Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,756
It's The Muppet Show, with our special
guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!
2
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,927
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
3
00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,769
♪ It's time to play the music ♪
4
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,896
♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
5
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:26,276
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
6
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:28,361
♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
7
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,530
♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
8
00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:33,950
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
9
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:40,415
Hey, did you hear the one
about the kangaroo who walked into a store
10
00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:43,877
and this hippopotamus comes out
and says to the kanga--?
11
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,003
Hey, I wasn't finished!
12
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,671
♪ To introduce our guest star ♪
13
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,673
♪ That's what I'm here to do ♪
14
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:51,134
♪ So it really makes me happy ♪
15
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,428
♪ To introduce to you ♪
16
00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:55,180
Miss Phyllis Diller!
17
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,515
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
18
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,642
[MUPPETS CHATTERING]
19
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,441
♪ But now let's get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
20
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,693
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
21
00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:11,321
♪ This is what we call ♪
22
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:15,033
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
23
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:17,494
[DYNAMITE EXPLODES]
24
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,833
Thank you.
Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
25
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,919
and welcome to The Muppet Show.
26
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,546
We've got a really terrific show for you
27
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:32,842
with our super-extra-special guest star,
Miss Phyllis Diller.
28
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,178
Now, to get things started, we--
29
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:39,974
Excuse me, there seems to be a frog
on the stage.
30
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:43,103
There is supposed to be a frog
on the stage.
31
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:46,356
There is supposed to be a bear
back in the dressing room.
32
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:50,068
See, I think you just work too hard,
frog of my heart.
33
00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:52,737
So I thought I would introduce the show
this week.
34
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:56,157
Okay. You introduce the show
and I will pull the rope.
35
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,744
The ro--? What rope?
36
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,705
Uh, the rope for the trapdoor.
37
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,624
The trap--? Aah!
38
00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,876
[THUDDING]
39
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,962
Now let's get things started
on The Muppet Show
40
00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,755
with some "Mississippi Mud."
41
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,300
[BAND PLAYING "MISSISSIPPI MUD"]
42
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,512
♪ When the sun goes down
And the tide goes out ♪
43
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:19,681
♪ And people gather round
And all begin to shout ♪
44
00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:20,890
♪ Hey, hey, Uncle Dud ♪
45
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:24,561
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
On the Mississippi mud ♪
46
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:28,356
♪ What a dance do they do
Lordy, how I'm telling you ♪
47
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,776
♪ They don't need no band
They keep time by clapping their hands ♪
48
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,403
♪ Happy as a cow chewing on a cud ♪
49
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,114
♪ When the people beat their feet
On the Mississippi mud ♪
50
00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:37,240
♪ Hoo ♪
51
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,162
♪ Uh-huh ♪
52
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,580
♪ Uh-huh ♪
53
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,543
♪ When the sun goes down
And the tide goes out ♪
54
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,712
♪ And people gather round
And all begin to shout ♪
55
00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:51,921
♪ Hey, hey, Uncle Dud ♪
56
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:55,592
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
On the Mississippi mud ♪
57
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:59,387
♪ What a dance do they do
Lordy, how I'm telling you ♪
58
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:02,807
♪ They don't need no band
They keep time by clapping their hands ♪
59
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,559
♪ Happy as a cow chewing on the cud ♪
60
00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:07,562
♪ When the people beat their feet
When the people beat their feet ♪
61
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:08,855
♪ On the Mississippi mud ♪
62
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:11,066
♪ Uh-huh ♪
63
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,275
[GUFFAWS]
64
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,695
Bravo, oh, bravo!
65
00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,073
Wonderful, just wonderful.
66
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:22,035
How would you know?
You're not even facing the stage.
67
00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:25,914
Why did you have to tell me?
I was having such a good time.
68
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:31,211
Yeah, great number.
Really good, really good.
69
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,462
Very believable.
70
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:34,214
Good number. Great number.
71
00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:36,466
Hey! Who forgot to wipe their feet?
72
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:38,593
I thought I told you guys
to wipe your feet!
73
00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:42,847
Ah, that Miss Diller, she is so wonderful.
74
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,975
-Oh. Nice lady, huh?
-Oh, yes, Scooter.
75
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,728
And so young-looking.
76
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:51,940
Scooter, just between you and me,
77
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:55,318
do you suppose Miss Diller
has had her face raised?
78
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:59,614
Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure, yeah.
She jokes about it all the time.
79
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,700
Ah, that's wonderful.
80
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:06,371
A person should stay young and dynamic
as long as possible.
81
00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:07,622
Mm.
82
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,749
Maybe I should consider that.
83
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,919
-Hmm?
-After all, I am 35.
84
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:18,258
Hey. Hey, is it possible Hilda's 35?
85
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,844
Only around the waist.
86
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,391
And now a lady so wonderfully nutty
87
00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:30,395
that she makes The Great Gonzo
seem like Sir Laurence Olivier.
88
00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:34,816
Here she is, the zaniest of them all,
the one and only Phyllis Diller.
89
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,362
[ROWLF PLAYING LOUNGE MUSIC ON PIANO]
90
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,962
Say there, sailor. You new in town?
91
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,673
Do you make it a habit
of annoying beautiful women?
92
00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:03,053
Yes, but since there are none around,
I'll go ahead and annoy you.
93
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,929
Why are you hounding me?
94
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,640
I'm a hound. What should I do, people you?
95
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:10,518
Tsk. Cut the comedy. I'm depressed.
96
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,646
Oh. I'm sorry.
Hey, let me buy you a drink.
97
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,523
I don't drink with strangers.
98
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,235
-I'm Phyllis.
-I'm Rowlf.
99
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,406
I'll have a triple cream soda
on the rocks.
100
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,700
Say, you are depressed.
101
00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,452
Oh, miss?
102
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:30,538
Uh, miss,
two triple cream sodas on the rocks.
103
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:37,212
-Now, what's wrong?
-It's just that I'm such a loser.
104
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:40,674
Oh. I know what you mean. I am too.
105
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:43,593
Do you know, someone gave me
a beautiful white mink stole.
106
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,680
Within a month,
I had developed black dandruff.
107
00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,725
Oh. Oh, that is depressing.
108
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:55,897
But did you know my fleas have started
wearing dog collars just to get rid of me?
109
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,233
Oh, I know the feeling.
110
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:02,112
I was in the backyard singing
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
111
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,196
It fell on me.
112
00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:05,865
I went to a taffy pull.
113
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,826
The taffy won.
114
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:12,664
I swear if I bought a new hat,
they'd cancel Easter.
115
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:16,501
Oh, you think that's bad?
116
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:19,879
Listen, I went to Hollywood
and fell in love with a movie star...
117
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,589
Lassie.
118
00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:24,342
She left me for Francis the Talking Mule.
119
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:28,763
I bought one of those expensive new cars
120
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:33,727
that goes from zero to 60
in three hours and 27 minutes.
121
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,815
I had to put it in low
to get off a wad of gum.
122
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,527
Hey, you think that's bad?
123
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:45,989
The first three months of my life,
there was a newspaper strike.
124
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:53,288
Okay. I went to the beauty parlor
and the lady at the desk said:
125
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:57,083
"Madam, we do repairs, not reclamations."
126
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:02,172
So then I asked the hairdresser
what I should use on my hair.
127
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,631
He said, "A match."
128
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,928
But you see, I was born ugly.
129
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,765
I have home movies
of my folks leaving the hospital
130
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,641
with sacks over their heads.
131
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:19,189
My father asked the doctor,
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
132
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,398
He said, "No."
133
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:27,906
I tell you, Rowlf, I'm just a born loser.
134
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:32,410
Oh. Maybe, but you don't know
what it's like to live life as a dog.
135
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:34,871
Don't be so sure, fella.
136
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,711
-Listen, I gotta go now.
-Hey, wait a minute. What's wrong?
137
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:42,962
I'm having too good a time.
138
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,465
A girl just can't be miserable
in this dump.
139
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:50,470
Aw. You should stick around, Phyllis.
Why, you and me could be rotten together.
140
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:51,680
Oh.
141
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,474
Aw.
142
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,685
[ROWLF PLAYING LOUNGE MUSIC]
143
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,733
-That was fantastic.
-What a performer she is.
144
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,152
-Mm. What's her secret?
-What's her magic?
145
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:09,364
-What's her name?
-You've forgotten too, huh?
146
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:13,743
Well, whoever she is, she's every bit
as funny as Phyllis Diller.
147
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,704
-Who is?
-Ah, I forget.
148
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:17,080
Huh, me too.
149
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:27,257
Oh, good. Nobody is around.
150
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:31,553
Time for old Hilda to become young Hilda.
151
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:44,607
Oh! Everybody is going to be so surprised.
152
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:49,154
They won't even recognize
their old wardrobe mistress.
153
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:52,991
Hi, Hilda. Hey, the opening-number
costumes are downstairs.
154
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,785
Would you bring them up here, please?
155
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:59,497
And then again, I could be wrong.
156
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,503
NEWSCASTER:
Here's a Muppet news flash.
157
00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:09,174
Dateline Mobile, Alabama.
158
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:13,303
Mrs. Beverly Shepherd has made
aviation history in this Southern city.
159
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:16,056
Last week,
Mrs. Shepherd made a pair of wings,
160
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:19,893
strapped them to her body,
and flew to Dallas, Texas.
161
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:23,271
Here she is direct from Texas
to tell us the details.
162
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:29,527
-Gosh! Am I really on TV?
-Yes, Mrs. Shepherd, you are.
163
00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:32,822
Now, can you tell us the details
of this astounding accomplishment?
164
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:36,284
What was so astounding? It was so easy.
165
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:40,955
I just made my wings out of aluminum
and covered them with chicken feathers,
166
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:43,917
and then I fitted them
with straps for my arms.
167
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,418
Yes, yes. Go on.
168
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:49,839
Then I went out to the airport
and boarded a plane for Dallas.
169
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,091
[BEVERLY CAWS]
170
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,468
What's the big deal?
171
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,553
I'm sure I have no idea.
172
00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,183
[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
173
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,109
Oh, I'm so crazy about you,
I can't see straight.
174
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,235
[CHUCKLES]
175
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,862
Oh, I'm so goofy about you, I can't eat.
176
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:13,988
[CHUCKLES]
177
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:17,075
I'm so much in love with you,
I can't even sleep.
178
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,120
-Oh, well, what should we do?
-Well, I...
179
00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:22,205
Check into a hospital, man.
180
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,710
Ah, ah.
181
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:31,172
-Finally good to get out of that box.
-Yeah, pay attention. I'm leading.
182
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,592
-One, two, three, dip.
-Ah!
183
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,680
[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]
184
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:43,727
Huh. That's what I don't like about him.
185
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:47,772
-Huh? What?
-He's always blowing his own horn.
186
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:48,982
Huh.
187
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,361
Wasn't that garlic you had for dinner hot?
188
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:54,738
Are you kidding?
189
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,202
[PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC]
190
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,849
♪ Oh, lazybones ♪
191
00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,602
♪ Sleeping in the sun ♪
192
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:31,524
♪ How you expect to get
Your day's work done? ♪
193
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,779
♪ Never get your day's work done ♪
194
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,868
♪ Sleeping in the noonday sun ♪
195
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,414
♪ Lazybones ♪
196
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,250
♪ Sleeping in the shade ♪
197
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:54,881
♪ How you expect to get
Your cornmeal made? ♪
198
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,760
♪ Never get your cornmeal made ♪
199
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:05,642
♪ When you're sleeping
In the evening shade ♪
200
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,320
♪ Mm, yeah ♪
201
00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:20,156
♪ Mm ♪
202
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:33,837
♪ Oh, I say, lazybones ♪
203
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,132
♪ Loafing through the day ♪
204
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,217
♪ How you expect to make ♪
205
00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:42,470
♪ A dime that way? ♪
206
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:46,975
♪ You're gonna never make a dime
That way ♪
207
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:52,605
♪ Well, he never heard a word I said ♪
208
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,234
Yeah.
209
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,532
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
210
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,160
-Oh, oh. We're on, we're on.
-Oh.
211
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,996
Phyllis Diller. Well, hello.
212
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:10,540
Hey, Kermit said I could chat with you
213
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,917
because, well,
we're both comedians, you know?
214
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:16,796
And frankly,
I think you are the funniest person alive.
215
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,173
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
216
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:21,676
I was wondering if you could give me
a few tips on comedy, hmm?
217
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:25,430
Why, that's so nice of you, Fozzie.
Of course I'll give you a few tips.
218
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,015
[LAUGHS]
219
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:30,393
"Of course I'll give you a few tips."
That's so funny!
220
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,895
-Wait, wait.
-I love it.
221
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,938
-Wait a minute. The first tip.
-What?
222
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,524
Don't laugh before I tell the joke.
223
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:40,195
-Oh.
-Oh. This isn't gonna be easy.
224
00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:41,529
Okay, okay, okay.
225
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:43,531
We need topics. Here's a topic.
226
00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,325
-Topics, topics.
-Fang is so cheap,
227
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:49,788
his idea of a deodorant is to Scotch-tape
a pine cone under each armpit.
228
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,794
-That's a husband joke.
-I can't do that joke.
229
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,712
-Why?
-I don't have a husband.
230
00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,173
-Well, how about a wife?
-No, no wife.
231
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,425
Well, make one up. They don't care.
232
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,551
What?!
233
00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:04,803
[SPUTTERS]
234
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:08,223
I couldn't do that.
I couldn't lie to the audience.
235
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:11,810
They love me. I love them.
I couldn't lie to the audience.
236
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:14,688
You just did.
You told them you're a comedian.
237
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:21,444
Now, lookie here.
We've got to find you a topic.
238
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,738
-Okay. Topic. Okay.
-Ah. A-ha.
239
00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:25,824
Okay, you must live somewhere.
240
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:29,994
-Uh, yeah, I got this small apartment.
-Terrific. Small-apartment joke.
241
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:34,082
I live in an apartment so small,
the mice are hunchbacked.
242
00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:39,754
-No? No mice?
-No.
243
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:43,133
No, I got a mouse,
but he's not hunchbacked.
244
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,342
He's got the gout.
245
00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:49,264
Wait, wait, I understand now.
Wait. I see. Okay, here it goes.
246
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,641
-You got it?
-Here we go, yeah.
247
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:55,353
I live in an apartment so small,
my mouse has the gout.
248
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,150
That's funny. It's funny.
249
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,027
It is funny.
250
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,194
Oh, please laugh.
251
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,866
Oh, please.
252
00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:09,409
-Fozzie, baby.
-What?
253
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:13,038
-You're just gonna have to learn to lie.
-But why, Phyllis?
254
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,289
I'll tell you why.
255
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:16,416
So in case
you don't make it as a comedian...
256
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,252
-Yeah?
-...at least you can go into politics.
257
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,341
Now, that's funny!
258
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:29,888
[BAND PLAYING FUNK MUSIC]
259
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,517
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
260
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:38,772
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
261
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:42,734
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
262
00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,030
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
263
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,701
♪ Hug hugga wug wugga ♪
264
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,703
♪ Wuggy buggy mugga mugga ♪
265
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:56,164
♪ Wug bug wah ♪
266
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,044
♪ A-hugga wugga ♪
267
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,298
♪ Piggy wiggy? ♪
268
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,427
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
269
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,557
♪ Hoogy woogy heeky hooky ♪
270
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,814
-♪ Hugga wugga ♪
-♪ Hugga wugga ♪
271
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,901
-♪ Hugga wugga ♪
-♪ Hugga wugga ♪
272
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:27,737
-♪ Hug ♪
-♪Hugga ♪
273
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:28,863
-♪ Wug ♪
-♪ Wugga ♪
274
00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:29,989
-♪ Buggy ♪
-♪ Buggy ♪
275
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:31,116
-♪ Mugga ♪
-♪ Mugga ♪
276
00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:33,451
BOTH:
♪ Wug wug wah ♪
277
00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:37,747
♪ You are my sunshine ♪
278
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:41,543
♪ My only sunshine ♪
279
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:46,715
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
280
00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:52,512
♪ You make me happy ♪
281
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:55,181
♪ When skies are gray ♪
282
00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:04,274
♪ You'll never know, dear ♪
283
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:08,069
♪ How much I love you ♪
284
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,366
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
285
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:21,166
♪ You are my sunshine ♪
286
00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:23,585
♪ My only sun... ♪
287
00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:26,212
♪ Shine ♪
288
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:30,383
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
289
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:35,847
♪ You make me happy ♪
290
00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:41,770
♪ Hug hugga wug wugga ♪
291
00:17:41,853 --> 00:17:43,813
♪ Buggy buggy mugga mugga ♪
292
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,566
♪ Wug wug wah ♪
293
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:50,278
[IN MUFFLED VOICE]
♪ When skies are gray ♪
294
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,656
♪ Hugga wugga? ♪
295
00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:59,162
♪ You'll never know, dear ♪
296
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:03,291
♪ How much I love you ♪
297
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,378
♪ Hugga wugga ♪
298
00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:23,645
♪ Do not take my sunshine away ♪
299
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:31,361
♪ You are my sunshine ♪
300
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,738
♪ My only sunshine ♪
301
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:36,866
-Why, you old fool.
-What?
302
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:39,661
I'm not your son, and my name's not Shine.
303
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,039
And he calls me an old fool?
304
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,460
♪ You make me happy ♪
305
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,671
♪ When skies are gray ♪
306
00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:56,386
Well, this time Miss Diller has given me
some beauty hints.
307
00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,849
Now everybody will notice the change.
308
00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:02,892
Hilda. Hilda, it is great.
309
00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:04,728
The change is wonderful.
310
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,147
Oh, you like it, then?
311
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:10,734
Oh, sure, yeah. Those dressing-room towels
have been dirty for a week.
312
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,111
It's wonderful that you changed them.
313
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,241
This means all-out war!
314
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:23,788
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs,
315
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:26,416
where the future is being made today.
316
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,918
Well, excitement is running high
here at the labs
317
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:34,299
because today is the day we introduce
our new line of exploding hats.
318
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,509
[GRUNTING]
319
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,640
[COUGHS]
320
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:45,268
Ugh, isn't that cunning, folks?
321
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:50,023
And, of course, for those who want
the daring double-barreled effect...
322
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:53,193
Ahem. Exploding earmuffs.
323
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,653
Oh! Oh. Whoopee.
324
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,572
Well, ahem, there you have it.
325
00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,784
These are the perfect companions
to the perennial favorite,
326
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,411
the Muppet self-destruct necktie.
327
00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:05,580
[GROANS]
328
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:09,751
So that's all for now from, uh, Muppet...
329
00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,965
Hi, Phyllis. What you got there?
330
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:19,844
It's my new pocket camera.
It takes great pictures. See there?
331
00:20:19,928 --> 00:20:22,597
Ah. What are these pictures of?
332
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,057
-Pockets.
-Wow.
333
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:30,730
NARRATOR:
And now Veterinarian's Hospital,
334
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:34,359
the continuing story
of an orthopedic surgeon
335
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,695
who has gone to the dogs.
336
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:43,243
Dr. Bob? Dr. Bob?
337
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:45,203
Your next patient is ready.
338
00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:47,997
Yes, yes,
I was just tending to an emergency.
339
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:51,209
A musician at the symphony
just fell through his harp.
340
00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,836
Oh, where is he now?
341
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:55,296
In Rooms 9, 10, 11 and 12.
342
00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:01,011
-Okay, where's the next patient?
-Uh, he's right here, Dr. Bob.
343
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:03,596
Oh, mm. Little fella, isn't he?
344
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,391
Ah! This is no patient.
It's a loaf of bread.
345
00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:09,394
And a very sick one.
346
00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:12,272
Good grief! It's talking bread!
347
00:21:12,355 --> 00:21:14,858
Dr. Bob, what do you make of it?
348
00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:16,693
What else? Toast!
349
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:22,741
NARRATOR: And so Dr. Bob has discovered
edible patients.
350
00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:24,034
[BREAD GROANS]
351
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:28,288
NARRATOR: Tune in next week,
when you will hear Nurse Janice say:
352
00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:31,791
Uh, Dr. Bob,
should I prepare the anesthetic?
353
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:34,878
No, just stand by with the marmalade.
354
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:37,005
[BREAD GROANING]
355
00:21:40,759 --> 00:21:43,261
Gee, who is that? She is beautiful.
356
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:45,555
Uh, excuse me, miss. Can I help you?
357
00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:49,184
Hello, darling.
358
00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:54,147
Got any wardrobe work for your old Hilda?
359
00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:56,983
Hilda! Why... Why, you're beautiful.
360
00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:59,027
Thank you.
361
00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:02,614
But you're so slim. How do you do that?
362
00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:06,576
Very tight, ahem, foundation garments.
363
00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:11,331
I want you to know I think it's wonderful
you wanna look your best and to--
364
00:22:11,414 --> 00:22:12,415
[BUTTONS POP]
365
00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:19,089
Oh, darn. My girdle had a blowout.
366
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:20,215
Aw.
367
00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:23,718
Oh, that's okay, Hilda.
We love you like you are anyhow.
368
00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:29,891
Well, the old gray mare
is just what she used to be.
369
00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:35,980
And now featuring, in concert
with our own Muppet orchestra,
370
00:22:36,064 --> 00:22:37,273
Miss Phyllis Diller.
371
00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:43,697
[BAND PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC]
372
00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:58,962
[PLAYING SQUEAKILY]
373
00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:06,094
[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]
374
00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:48,678
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
375
00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:49,846
I'll find it.
376
00:24:13,411 --> 00:24:15,538
[PHYLLIS PLAYING OFF-KEY]
377
00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:20,669
[PHYLLIS PLAYING RANDOM NOTES]
378
00:24:34,224 --> 00:24:36,309
[PLAYING SQUEAKILY]
379
00:24:44,693 --> 00:24:46,778
[PLAYING STRAINED NOTE]
380
00:24:52,867 --> 00:24:54,869
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
381
00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:58,707
[PHYLLIS LAUGHS]
382
00:24:58,790 --> 00:25:00,500
That's just about it for another show.
383
00:25:00,583 --> 00:25:04,379
We'd like to thank our special guest star,
Miss Phyllis Diller!
384
00:25:04,462 --> 00:25:05,964
Yay!
385
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:09,217
-Thank you, Kermit.
-Oh, you're welcome, Phyllis.
386
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:12,595
-Would you do me a favor?
-For you? For you I would do anything.
387
00:25:12,679 --> 00:25:16,016
Aw, how nice. Would you stand over there,
on the other side of me?
388
00:25:16,099 --> 00:25:17,976
-Uh, stand here?
-Right there.
389
00:25:18,059 --> 00:25:21,229
-Sure. Is this okay? Hmm.
-Yes. That's just perfect.
390
00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:24,107
Okay, as I say,
it's the end of the show now,
391
00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:27,527
so thank you for joining us
and join us next time-- Aah!
392
00:25:27,610 --> 00:25:28,862
[THUDDING]
393
00:25:28,945 --> 00:25:30,155
[FOZZIE LAUGHS]
394
00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:32,615
See you next time on The Muppet Show.
395
00:25:32,699 --> 00:25:34,492
[FOZZIE LAUGHS THEN SCREAMS]
396
00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:35,994
[THUDDING]
397
00:25:36,077 --> 00:25:38,121
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
398
00:26:12,364 --> 00:26:13,406
I loved it.
399
00:26:14,991 --> 00:26:17,827
Aah! I hated it!
400
00:26:17,911 --> 00:26:18,995
[THUDS]
30198
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.