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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,756 It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller! 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,927 [BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC] 3 00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,769 ♪ It's time to play the music ♪ 4 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,896 ♪ It's time to light the lights ♪ 5 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:26,276 ♪ It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight ♪ 6 00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:28,361 ♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪ 7 00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,530 ♪ It's time to dress up right ♪ 8 00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:33,950 ♪ It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight ♪ 9 00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:40,415 Hey, did you hear the one about the kangaroo who walked into a store 10 00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:43,877 and this hippopotamus comes out and says to the kanga--? 11 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,003 Hey, I wasn't finished! 12 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,671 ♪ To introduce our guest star ♪ 13 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,673 ♪ That's what I'm here to do ♪ 14 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:51,134 ♪ So it really makes me happy ♪ 15 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,428 ♪ To introduce to you ♪ 16 00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:55,180 Miss Phyllis Diller! 17 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,515 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 18 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,642 [MUPPETS CHATTERING] 19 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,441 ♪ But now let's get things started On the most sensational, inspirational ♪ 20 00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,693 ♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪ 21 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:11,321 ♪ This is what we call ♪ 22 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:15,033 ♪ The Muppet Show ♪ 23 00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:17,494 [DYNAMITE EXPLODES] 24 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,833 Thank you. Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 25 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,919 and welcome to The Muppet Show. 26 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,546 We've got a really terrific show for you 27 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:32,842 with our super-extra-special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller. 28 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,178 Now, to get things started, we-- 29 00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:39,974 Excuse me, there seems to be a frog on the stage. 30 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:43,103 There is supposed to be a frog on the stage. 31 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:46,356 There is supposed to be a bear back in the dressing room. 32 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:50,068 See, I think you just work too hard, frog of my heart. 33 00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:52,737 So I thought I would introduce the show this week. 34 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:56,157 Okay. You introduce the show and I will pull the rope. 35 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,744 The ro--? What rope? 36 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,705 Uh, the rope for the trapdoor. 37 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,624 The trap--? Aah! 38 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,876 [THUDDING] 39 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,962 Now let's get things started on The Muppet Show 40 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,755 with some "Mississippi Mud." 41 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,300 [BAND PLAYING "MISSISSIPPI MUD"] 42 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,512 ♪ When the sun goes down And the tide goes out ♪ 43 00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:19,681 ♪ And people gather round And all begin to shout ♪ 44 00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:20,890 ♪ Hey, hey, Uncle Dud ♪ 45 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:24,561 ♪ It's a treat to beat your feet On the Mississippi mud ♪ 46 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:28,356 ♪ What a dance do they do Lordy, how I'm telling you ♪ 47 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,776 ♪ They don't need no band They keep time by clapping their hands ♪ 48 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,403 ♪ Happy as a cow chewing on a cud ♪ 49 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,114 ♪ When the people beat their feet On the Mississippi mud ♪ 50 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:37,240 ♪ Hoo ♪ 51 00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,162 ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 52 00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,580 ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 53 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,543 ♪ When the sun goes down And the tide goes out ♪ 54 00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,712 ♪ And people gather round And all begin to shout ♪ 55 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:51,921 ♪ Hey, hey, Uncle Dud ♪ 56 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:55,592 ♪ It's a treat to beat your feet On the Mississippi mud ♪ 57 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:59,387 ♪ What a dance do they do Lordy, how I'm telling you ♪ 58 00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:02,807 ♪ They don't need no band They keep time by clapping their hands ♪ 59 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,559 ♪ Happy as a cow chewing on the cud ♪ 60 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:07,562 ♪ When the people beat their feet When the people beat their feet ♪ 61 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:08,855 ♪ On the Mississippi mud ♪ 62 00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:11,066 ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 63 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,275 [GUFFAWS] 64 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,695 Bravo, oh, bravo! 65 00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,073 Wonderful, just wonderful. 66 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:22,035 How would you know? You're not even facing the stage. 67 00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:25,914 Why did you have to tell me? I was having such a good time. 68 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:31,211 Yeah, great number. Really good, really good. 69 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,462 Very believable. 70 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:34,214 Good number. Great number. 71 00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:36,466 Hey! Who forgot to wipe their feet? 72 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:38,593 I thought I told you guys to wipe your feet! 73 00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:42,847 Ah, that Miss Diller, she is so wonderful. 74 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,975 -Oh. Nice lady, huh? -Oh, yes, Scooter. 75 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,728 And so young-looking. 76 00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:51,940 Scooter, just between you and me, 77 00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:55,318 do you suppose Miss Diller has had her face raised? 78 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:59,614 Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure, yeah. She jokes about it all the time. 79 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,700 Ah, that's wonderful. 80 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:06,371 A person should stay young and dynamic as long as possible. 81 00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:07,622 Mm. 82 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,749 Maybe I should consider that. 83 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,919 -Hmm? -After all, I am 35. 84 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:18,258 Hey. Hey, is it possible Hilda's 35? 85 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,844 Only around the waist. 86 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,391 And now a lady so wonderfully nutty 87 00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:30,395 that she makes The Great Gonzo seem like Sir Laurence Olivier. 88 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:34,816 Here she is, the zaniest of them all, the one and only Phyllis Diller. 89 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,362 [ROWLF PLAYING LOUNGE MUSIC ON PIANO] 90 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,962 Say there, sailor. You new in town? 91 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,673 Do you make it a habit of annoying beautiful women? 92 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:03,053 Yes, but since there are none around, I'll go ahead and annoy you. 93 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,929 Why are you hounding me? 94 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,640 I'm a hound. What should I do, people you? 95 00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:10,518 Tsk. Cut the comedy. I'm depressed. 96 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,646 Oh. I'm sorry. Hey, let me buy you a drink. 97 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,523 I don't drink with strangers. 98 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,235 -I'm Phyllis. -I'm Rowlf. 99 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,406 I'll have a triple cream soda on the rocks. 100 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,700 Say, you are depressed. 101 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,452 Oh, miss? 102 00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:30,538 Uh, miss, two triple cream sodas on the rocks. 103 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:37,212 -Now, what's wrong? -It's just that I'm such a loser. 104 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:40,674 Oh. I know what you mean. I am too. 105 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:43,593 Do you know, someone gave me a beautiful white mink stole. 106 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,680 Within a month, I had developed black dandruff. 107 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,725 Oh. Oh, that is depressing. 108 00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:55,897 But did you know my fleas have started wearing dog collars just to get rid of me? 109 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,233 Oh, I know the feeling. 110 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:02,112 I was in the backyard singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." 111 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,196 It fell on me. 112 00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:05,865 I went to a taffy pull. 113 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,826 The taffy won. 114 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:12,664 I swear if I bought a new hat, they'd cancel Easter. 115 00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:16,501 Oh, you think that's bad? 116 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:19,879 Listen, I went to Hollywood and fell in love with a movie star... 117 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,589 Lassie. 118 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:24,342 She left me for Francis the Talking Mule. 119 00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:28,763 I bought one of those expensive new cars 120 00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:33,727 that goes from zero to 60 in three hours and 27 minutes. 121 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,815 I had to put it in low to get off a wad of gum. 122 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,527 Hey, you think that's bad? 123 00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:45,989 The first three months of my life, there was a newspaper strike. 124 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:53,288 Okay. I went to the beauty parlor and the lady at the desk said: 125 00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:57,083 "Madam, we do repairs, not reclamations." 126 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:02,172 So then I asked the hairdresser what I should use on my hair. 127 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,631 He said, "A match." 128 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,928 But you see, I was born ugly. 129 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,765 I have home movies of my folks leaving the hospital 130 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,641 with sacks over their heads. 131 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:19,189 My father asked the doctor, "Is it a boy or a girl?" 132 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,398 He said, "No." 133 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:27,906 I tell you, Rowlf, I'm just a born loser. 134 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:32,410 Oh. Maybe, but you don't know what it's like to live life as a dog. 135 00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:34,871 Don't be so sure, fella. 136 00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,711 -Listen, I gotta go now. -Hey, wait a minute. What's wrong? 137 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:42,962 I'm having too good a time. 138 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,465 A girl just can't be miserable in this dump. 139 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:50,470 Aw. You should stick around, Phyllis. Why, you and me could be rotten together. 140 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:51,680 Oh. 141 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,474 Aw. 142 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,685 [ROWLF PLAYING LOUNGE MUSIC] 143 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,733 -That was fantastic. -What a performer she is. 144 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,152 -Mm. What's her secret? -What's her magic? 145 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:09,364 -What's her name? -You've forgotten too, huh? 146 00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:13,743 Well, whoever she is, she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller. 147 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,704 -Who is? -Ah, I forget. 148 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:17,080 Huh, me too. 149 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:27,257 Oh, good. Nobody is around. 150 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:31,553 Time for old Hilda to become young Hilda. 151 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:44,607 Oh! Everybody is going to be so surprised. 152 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:49,154 They won't even recognize their old wardrobe mistress. 153 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:52,991 Hi, Hilda. Hey, the opening-number costumes are downstairs. 154 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,785 Would you bring them up here, please? 155 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:59,497 And then again, I could be wrong. 156 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,503 NEWSCASTER: Here's a Muppet news flash. 157 00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:09,174 Dateline Mobile, Alabama. 158 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:13,303 Mrs. Beverly Shepherd has made aviation history in this Southern city. 159 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:16,056 Last week, Mrs. Shepherd made a pair of wings, 160 00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:19,893 strapped them to her body, and flew to Dallas, Texas. 161 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:23,271 Here she is direct from Texas to tell us the details. 162 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:29,527 -Gosh! Am I really on TV? -Yes, Mrs. Shepherd, you are. 163 00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:32,822 Now, can you tell us the details of this astounding accomplishment? 164 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:36,284 What was so astounding? It was so easy. 165 00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:40,955 I just made my wings out of aluminum and covered them with chicken feathers, 166 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:43,917 and then I fitted them with straps for my arms. 167 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,418 Yes, yes. Go on. 168 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:49,839 Then I went out to the airport and boarded a plane for Dallas. 169 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,091 [BEVERLY CAWS] 170 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,468 What's the big deal? 171 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,553 I'm sure I have no idea. 172 00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,183 [BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] 173 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,109 Oh, I'm so crazy about you, I can't see straight. 174 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,235 [CHUCKLES] 175 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,862 Oh, I'm so goofy about you, I can't eat. 176 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:13,988 [CHUCKLES] 177 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:17,075 I'm so much in love with you, I can't even sleep. 178 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,120 -Oh, well, what should we do? -Well, I... 179 00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:22,205 Check into a hospital, man. 180 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,710 Ah, ah. 181 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:31,172 -Finally good to get out of that box. -Yeah, pay attention. I'm leading. 182 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,592 -One, two, three, dip. -Ah! 183 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,680 [PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC] 184 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:43,727 Huh. That's what I don't like about him. 185 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:47,772 -Huh? What? -He's always blowing his own horn. 186 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:48,982 Huh. 187 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,361 Wasn't that garlic you had for dinner hot? 188 00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:54,738 Are you kidding? 189 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,202 [PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC] 190 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,849 ♪ Oh, lazybones ♪ 191 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,602 ♪ Sleeping in the sun ♪ 192 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:31,524 ♪ How you expect to get Your day's work done? ♪ 193 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,779 ♪ Never get your day's work done ♪ 194 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,868 ♪ Sleeping in the noonday sun ♪ 195 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,414 ♪ Lazybones ♪ 196 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,250 ♪ Sleeping in the shade ♪ 197 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:54,881 ♪ How you expect to get Your cornmeal made? ♪ 198 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,760 ♪ Never get your cornmeal made ♪ 199 00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:05,642 ♪ When you're sleeping In the evening shade ♪ 200 00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,320 ♪ Mm, yeah ♪ 201 00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:20,156 ♪ Mm ♪ 202 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:33,837 ♪ Oh, I say, lazybones ♪ 203 00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,132 ♪ Loafing through the day ♪ 204 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,217 ♪ How you expect to make ♪ 205 00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:42,470 ♪ A dime that way? ♪ 206 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:46,975 ♪ You're gonna never make a dime That way ♪ 207 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:52,605 ♪ Well, he never heard a word I said ♪ 208 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,234 Yeah. 209 00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,532 [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY] 210 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,160 -Oh, oh. We're on, we're on. -Oh. 211 00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,996 Phyllis Diller. Well, hello. 212 00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:10,540 Hey, Kermit said I could chat with you 213 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,917 because, well, we're both comedians, you know? 214 00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:16,796 And frankly, I think you are the funniest person alive. 215 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,173 -Yeah. -Thank you. 216 00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:21,676 I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on comedy, hmm? 217 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:25,430 Why, that's so nice of you, Fozzie. Of course I'll give you a few tips. 218 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,015 [LAUGHS] 219 00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:30,393 "Of course I'll give you a few tips." That's so funny! 220 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,895 -Wait, wait. -I love it. 221 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,938 -Wait a minute. The first tip. -What? 222 00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,524 Don't laugh before I tell the joke. 223 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:40,195 -Oh. -Oh. This isn't gonna be easy. 224 00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:41,529 Okay, okay, okay. 225 00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:43,531 We need topics. Here's a topic. 226 00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,325 -Topics, topics. -Fang is so cheap, 227 00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:49,788 his idea of a deodorant is to Scotch-tape a pine cone under each armpit. 228 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,794 -That's a husband joke. -I can't do that joke. 229 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,712 -Why? -I don't have a husband. 230 00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,173 -Well, how about a wife? -No, no wife. 231 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,425 Well, make one up. They don't care. 232 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,551 What?! 233 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:04,803 [SPUTTERS] 234 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:08,223 I couldn't do that. I couldn't lie to the audience. 235 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:11,810 They love me. I love them. I couldn't lie to the audience. 236 00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:14,688 You just did. You told them you're a comedian. 237 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:21,444 Now, lookie here. We've got to find you a topic. 238 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,738 -Okay. Topic. Okay. -Ah. A-ha. 239 00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:25,824 Okay, you must live somewhere. 240 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:29,994 -Uh, yeah, I got this small apartment. -Terrific. Small-apartment joke. 241 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:34,082 I live in an apartment so small, the mice are hunchbacked. 242 00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:39,754 -No? No mice? -No. 243 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:43,133 No, I got a mouse, but he's not hunchbacked. 244 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,342 He's got the gout. 245 00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:49,264 Wait, wait, I understand now. Wait. I see. Okay, here it goes. 246 00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,641 -You got it? -Here we go, yeah. 247 00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:55,353 I live in an apartment so small, my mouse has the gout. 248 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,150 That's funny. It's funny. 249 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,027 It is funny. 250 00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,194 Oh, please laugh. 251 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,866 Oh, please. 252 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:09,409 -Fozzie, baby. -What? 253 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:13,038 -You're just gonna have to learn to lie. -But why, Phyllis? 254 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,289 I'll tell you why. 255 00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:16,416 So in case you don't make it as a comedian... 256 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,252 -Yeah? -...at least you can go into politics. 257 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,341 Now, that's funny! 258 00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:29,888 [BAND PLAYING FUNK MUSIC] 259 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,517 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 260 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:38,772 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 261 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:42,734 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 262 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,030 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 263 00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,701 ♪ Hug hugga wug wugga ♪ 264 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,703 ♪ Wuggy buggy mugga mugga ♪ 265 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:56,164 ♪ Wug bug wah ♪ 266 00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,044 ♪ A-hugga wugga ♪ 267 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,298 ♪ Piggy wiggy? ♪ 268 00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,427 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 269 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,557 ♪ Hoogy woogy heeky hooky ♪ 270 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,814 -♪ Hugga wugga ♪ -♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 271 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,901 -♪ Hugga wugga ♪ -♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 272 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:27,737 -♪ Hug ♪ -♪Hugga ♪ 273 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:28,863 -♪ Wug ♪ -♪ Wugga ♪ 274 00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:29,989 -♪ Buggy ♪ -♪ Buggy ♪ 275 00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:31,116 -♪ Mugga ♪ -♪ Mugga ♪ 276 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:33,451 BOTH: ♪ Wug wug wah ♪ 277 00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:37,747 ♪ You are my sunshine ♪ 278 00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:41,543 ♪ My only sunshine ♪ 279 00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:46,715 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 280 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:52,512 ♪ You make me happy ♪ 281 00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:55,181 ♪ When skies are gray ♪ 282 00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:04,274 ♪ You'll never know, dear ♪ 283 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:08,069 ♪ How much I love you ♪ 284 00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,366 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 285 00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:21,166 ♪ You are my sunshine ♪ 286 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:23,585 ♪ My only sun... ♪ 287 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:26,212 ♪ Shine ♪ 288 00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:30,383 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 289 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:35,847 ♪ You make me happy ♪ 290 00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:41,770 ♪ Hug hugga wug wugga ♪ 291 00:17:41,853 --> 00:17:43,813 ♪ Buggy buggy mugga mugga ♪ 292 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,566 ♪ Wug wug wah ♪ 293 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:50,278 [IN MUFFLED VOICE] ♪ When skies are gray ♪ 294 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,656 ♪ Hugga wugga? ♪ 295 00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:59,162 ♪ You'll never know, dear ♪ 296 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:03,291 ♪ How much I love you ♪ 297 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,378 ♪ Hugga wugga ♪ 298 00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:23,645 ♪ Do not take my sunshine away ♪ 299 00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:31,361 ♪ You are my sunshine ♪ 300 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,738 ♪ My only sunshine ♪ 301 00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:36,866 -Why, you old fool. -What? 302 00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:39,661 I'm not your son, and my name's not Shine. 303 00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,039 And he calls me an old fool? 304 00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,460 ♪ You make me happy ♪ 305 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,671 ♪ When skies are gray ♪ 306 00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:56,386 Well, this time Miss Diller has given me some beauty hints. 307 00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,849 Now everybody will notice the change. 308 00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:02,892 Hilda. Hilda, it is great. 309 00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:04,728 The change is wonderful. 310 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,147 Oh, you like it, then? 311 00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:10,734 Oh, sure, yeah. Those dressing-room towels have been dirty for a week. 312 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,111 It's wonderful that you changed them. 313 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,241 This means all-out war! 314 00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:23,788 Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, 315 00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:26,416 where the future is being made today. 316 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,918 Well, excitement is running high here at the labs 317 00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:34,299 because today is the day we introduce our new line of exploding hats. 318 00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,509 [GRUNTING] 319 00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,640 [COUGHS] 320 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:45,268 Ugh, isn't that cunning, folks? 321 00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:50,023 And, of course, for those who want the daring double-barreled effect... 322 00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:53,193 Ahem. Exploding earmuffs. 323 00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,653 Oh! Oh. Whoopee. 324 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,572 Well, ahem, there you have it. 325 00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,784 These are the perfect companions to the perennial favorite, 326 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,411 the Muppet self-destruct necktie. 327 00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:05,580 [GROANS] 328 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:09,751 So that's all for now from, uh, Muppet... 329 00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,965 Hi, Phyllis. What you got there? 330 00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:19,844 It's my new pocket camera. It takes great pictures. See there? 331 00:20:19,928 --> 00:20:22,597 Ah. What are these pictures of? 332 00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,057 -Pockets. -Wow. 333 00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:30,730 NARRATOR: And now Veterinarian's Hospital, 334 00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:34,359 the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon 335 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,695 who has gone to the dogs. 336 00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:43,243 Dr. Bob? Dr. Bob? 337 00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:45,203 Your next patient is ready. 338 00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:47,997 Yes, yes, I was just tending to an emergency. 339 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:51,209 A musician at the symphony just fell through his harp. 340 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,836 Oh, where is he now? 341 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:55,296 In Rooms 9, 10, 11 and 12. 342 00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:01,011 -Okay, where's the next patient? -Uh, he's right here, Dr. Bob. 343 00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:03,596 Oh, mm. Little fella, isn't he? 344 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,391 Ah! This is no patient. It's a loaf of bread. 345 00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:09,394 And a very sick one. 346 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:12,272 Good grief! It's talking bread! 347 00:21:12,355 --> 00:21:14,858 Dr. Bob, what do you make of it? 348 00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:16,693 What else? Toast! 349 00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:22,741 NARRATOR: And so Dr. Bob has discovered edible patients. 350 00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:24,034 [BREAD GROANS] 351 00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:28,288 NARRATOR: Tune in next week, when you will hear Nurse Janice say: 352 00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:31,791 Uh, Dr. Bob, should I prepare the anesthetic? 353 00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:34,878 No, just stand by with the marmalade. 354 00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:37,005 [BREAD GROANING] 355 00:21:40,759 --> 00:21:43,261 Gee, who is that? She is beautiful. 356 00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:45,555 Uh, excuse me, miss. Can I help you? 357 00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:49,184 Hello, darling. 358 00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:54,147 Got any wardrobe work for your old Hilda? 359 00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:56,983 Hilda! Why... Why, you're beautiful. 360 00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:59,027 Thank you. 361 00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:02,614 But you're so slim. How do you do that? 362 00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:06,576 Very tight, ahem, foundation garments. 363 00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:11,331 I want you to know I think it's wonderful you wanna look your best and to-- 364 00:22:11,414 --> 00:22:12,415 [BUTTONS POP] 365 00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:19,089 Oh, darn. My girdle had a blowout. 366 00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:20,215 Aw. 367 00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:23,718 Oh, that's okay, Hilda. We love you like you are anyhow. 368 00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:29,891 Well, the old gray mare is just what she used to be. 369 00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:35,980 And now featuring, in concert with our own Muppet orchestra, 370 00:22:36,064 --> 00:22:37,273 Miss Phyllis Diller. 371 00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:43,697 [BAND PLAYING RAGTIME MUSIC] 372 00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:58,962 [PLAYING SQUEAKILY] 373 00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:06,094 [SQUEAKING CONTINUES] 374 00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:48,678 [PLAYING OFF-KEY] 375 00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:49,846 I'll find it. 376 00:24:13,411 --> 00:24:15,538 [PHYLLIS PLAYING OFF-KEY] 377 00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:20,669 [PHYLLIS PLAYING RANDOM NOTES] 378 00:24:34,224 --> 00:24:36,309 [PLAYING SQUEAKILY] 379 00:24:44,693 --> 00:24:46,778 [PLAYING STRAINED NOTE] 380 00:24:52,867 --> 00:24:54,869 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 381 00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:58,707 [PHYLLIS LAUGHS] 382 00:24:58,790 --> 00:25:00,500 That's just about it for another show. 383 00:25:00,583 --> 00:25:04,379 We'd like to thank our special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller! 384 00:25:04,462 --> 00:25:05,964 Yay! 385 00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:09,217 -Thank you, Kermit. -Oh, you're welcome, Phyllis. 386 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:12,595 -Would you do me a favor? -For you? For you I would do anything. 387 00:25:12,679 --> 00:25:16,016 Aw, how nice. Would you stand over there, on the other side of me? 388 00:25:16,099 --> 00:25:17,976 -Uh, stand here? -Right there. 389 00:25:18,059 --> 00:25:21,229 -Sure. Is this okay? Hmm. -Yes. That's just perfect. 390 00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:24,107 Okay, as I say, it's the end of the show now, 391 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:27,527 so thank you for joining us and join us next time-- Aah! 392 00:25:27,610 --> 00:25:28,862 [THUDDING] 393 00:25:28,945 --> 00:25:30,155 [FOZZIE LAUGHS] 394 00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:32,615 See you next time on The Muppet Show. 395 00:25:32,699 --> 00:25:34,492 [FOZZIE LAUGHS THEN SCREAMS] 396 00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:35,994 [THUDDING] 397 00:25:36,077 --> 00:25:38,121 [BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC] 398 00:26:12,364 --> 00:26:13,406 I loved it. 399 00:26:14,991 --> 00:26:17,827 Aah! I hated it! 400 00:26:17,911 --> 00:26:18,995 [THUDS] 30198

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