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It's The Muppet Show, with our
special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
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[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
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♪ It's time to play the music ♪
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♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
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♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
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♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
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♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
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♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
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New York is so crowded, even the
cemeteries have standing room only.
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♪ To introduce our guest star ♪
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♪ That's what I'm here to do ♪
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♪ So it really makes me happy ♪
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♪ To introduce to you ♪
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Mr. Paul Williams!
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♪ But now let's get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
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♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
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♪ This is what we call ♪
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
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[GONG SOUNDS]
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Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hi-ho, good friends.
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Hey, we got a great show for you tonight.
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Our special guest is Mr. Paul Williams,
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singer, composer, actor
and all-around good guy,
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and we're not gonna do
any jokes about his size.
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But he's such a cute little fella,
we're gonna make him an honorary Muppet.
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But right now let's get started with a
musical number done up in a brand new way:
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"All of Me."
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[MELLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING]
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♪ All of me ♪
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♪ Why not take all of me ♪
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♪ Can't you see ♪
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♪ I'm no good without you ♪
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♪ Take my lips
I want to lose them ♪
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♪ Take my arms
I'll never use them ♪
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♪ Your goodbye
Left me with eyes that cry ♪
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Here, take them too.
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♪ How can I
Go on, dear, without you ♪
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♪ You took the part
That once was my heart ♪
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♪ So why not
Take all of me ♪
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Hey, you want my hair?
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Well, hair it is. Ha, ha.
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Hey, you need a nose?
Guaranteed not to run.
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Friends, Romans, and countrymen.
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There you go. You want me to put my chest
in your chest?
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Here, here. Let me give you a hand.
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♪ You took the part
That once was my heart ♪
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♪ So why not take ♪
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♪ Why not take ♪
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♪ Why not take ♪
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♪ All of me ♪
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[MURMURING]
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Ohh, ha, ha.
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Ugh.
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Hark! I hear the cannons roar...
No, hark, the cannons r...
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-Ugh...
-Hi, Fozz. What's wrong?
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-You look worried.
-It's my new act, I hope it works.
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-Oh, come on, you're the greatest!
-Yeah?
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Yeah, you're always good.
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Besides, you're on soon.
Now is no time to panic.
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Oh, well, see, I got 10 minutes
of jokes here on the War of 1812.
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-Now is the time to panic.
-Ahh.
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Listen, if you're really in trouble,
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why don't you just use
the old telephone pole bit?
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-The old telephone pole bit?
-Oh, yeah, it's the best.
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-I don't know it.
-It's a classic!
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-It's a classic?
-Yeah!
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Terrific, I can use it.
Tell me, what is it?
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-The curtains open...
-The curtains open.
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-The audience is there...
-The audience is there!
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-There we are together, on-stage...
-There we are together... Hold it!
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-"We?"
-Well, yeah.
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No, you don't understand.
You see, I am a stand-up bear.
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-Uh-huh.
-Yeah, yeah. See...
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I work alone.
I tell the jokes on-stage, alone.
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Ha, ha, no, you don't tell jokes
in the telephone pole bit.
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-Why not?
-Well, you're the telephone pole.
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Cute. Cute idea.
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We'll see.
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Okay, right now, friends,
it is my great pleasure
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to introduce one of the most
talented people in our business.
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and it's a real treat to have him with us
on The Muppet Show, Mr. Paul Williams.
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[MELLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING]
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♪ Just an old-fashioned love song ♪
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♪ Playin' on the radio ♪
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♪ And wrapped around the music ♪
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♪ Is the sound of someone promising ♪
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♪ They'll never go ♪
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♪ You'll swear you've heard it before ♪
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♪ As it slowly rambles on and on ♪
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♪ No need in bringin' 'em back ♪
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♪ 'Cause they've never really gone ♪
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♪ That's just an old-fashioned love song ♪
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♪ Comin' down in two-part harmony ♪
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♪ That's just an old-fashioned love song ♪
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♪ One I'm sure they wrote for you and me ♪
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♪ To weave our dreams upon ♪
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♪ Listen to each evenin' ♪
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♪ When the lights are low ♪
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♪ To underscore our love affair ♪
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♪ With tenderness and feeling ♪
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♪ That we've come to know ♪
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♪ You'll swear you've heard it before ♪
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♪ As it slowly rambles on and on ♪
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♪ No need in bringin' 'em back ♪
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♪ 'Cause they've never really gone ♪
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♪ That's just an old-fashioned love song ♪
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♪ Comin' down in three-part harmony ♪
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00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:11,890
♪ That's just an old-fashioned love song ♪
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♪ One I'm sure they wrote for you and me ♪
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Two, three, four...
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♪ That's just an old-fashioned love song ♪
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♪ Comin' down in three-part harmony ♪
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♪ That's just an old-fashioned love song ♪
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♪ One I'm sure they wrote for you and me ♪
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♪ That's just an old-fashioned love song ♪
116
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♪ Comin' down in three-part harmony ♪
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00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:09,823
♪ That's just an old-fashioned love song ♪
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♪ One I'm sure they wrote for you and me ♪
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-Bravo! Bravo!
-Encore! Encore!
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-Heh, heh! He's a credit to his race.
-What race is that?
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The 100-yard dash.
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[BOTH LAUGH]
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Welcome to Muppet Labs,
where the future is being made today.
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Folks, let me take just
one moment of your time
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to acquaint you with a
fascinating new product.
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It's Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer.
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Now, you can use it
on all sorts of dishes.
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For example, dishes like this one here.
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Whoo, that's one of the problems with
dishes, isn't it? They do tend to break.
130
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:05,128
But if you had used All-Purpose Tenderizer
in such fashion as this...
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00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:09,758
your dish would have
been as tender as this.
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Oh, it sets me all a-quiver!
133
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Well, it's lovely.
134
00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:22,145
And what it does for dishes it can do
for utensils too. Watch.
135
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,900
It only takes a second.
136
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:33,448
So there it is,
Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer.
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00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,909
It's new from Muppet Labs.
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Oh, goodness.
139
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Okay, who's the smarty-pants
who tenderized the table?
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I mean it!
141
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:50,298
Science, huh?
They can put a man on the moon.
142
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Huh. Yeah, but they
can't put a moon on a man!
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"Silence." A poem by Rowlf.
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That's me.
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00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,812
Silence
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Hear the nothingness
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Listen to the quietness
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Of everlasting space
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Down the winding velvet corridors
Of time it sweeps
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00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:19,285
And sweeps and sw...
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00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:28,962
And sweeps away the sound of creatures
Crying in the night...
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[SQUAWKING]
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...creatures crying in the night...
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And cry we must
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For we have tasted the forbidden fruit
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But lo, lo, the faceless names, name...
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...faceless names and nameless faces
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Whisper of our woes
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[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
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But overall... overall
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The blessed silence falls
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Sweet serpentines of silence
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Singing their sad song
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[HUMMING]
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Out of the silence and dark
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We build the music, silent music
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[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
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And the endless emptiness of emptiness
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Drumming in our ears...
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Will you all get out of here?!
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But in the end
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All is silence
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Quiet, silent ways
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All still
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Could you hold it down, Rowlf?
We're trying to do a show here.
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[SOBBING]
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You know, when they asked me
to do the show, I was delighted.
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This is a great show to do.
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I have a special reason for being
very excited. You see...
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Except for me, the entire cast is Muppets.
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Muppets are little, tiny things.
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For the first time in my life, no one
will make jokes about how short I am.
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For the first time in my life,
I am the tallest person on the show.
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For the first time in my life,
I will cry in front of 30 million people.
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[SOBS]
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I am a telephone pole.
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Hmmm...
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-Fozzie, what are you doing?
-It's my new act with Scooter.
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I'm practicing to be a telephone pole.
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00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,908
Hmmm...
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00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:07,787
That's ridiculous. You don't
look like a telephone pole.
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00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:11,374
No one would believe
you were a telephone pole.
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♪ I am a lineman for the county ♪
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00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:23,094
On the other hand, what do
I know about telephone poles?
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[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
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Huh, I'll be darned.
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You say that's your boy?
How could you have a son that age?
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00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:45,408
I didn't. When I had him,
he was just a baby.
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00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:52,791
Oh, how do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
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00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:55,585
You are more beautiful
than the summer days.
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00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:59,506
You know, there's a lot of ham in you.
Ha-ha-ha!
202
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:06,346
That man is annoying me.
203
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,098
He isn't even looking at you.
204
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,517
That's what's annoying me.
205
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:16,439
I can't understand it!
I just can't seem to hold on to a job!
206
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,818
My last one only lasted for 10 minutes!
207
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:23,822
-Yeah? What were you doing?
-I was a librarian!
208
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,202
Hey, you wanna take a trip?
209
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,121
Sure, I'd love to.
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00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,957
Okay, hang on...
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00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,584
-Ahh!
-Aah!
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00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:42,090
[RIBBITING IN UPBEAT TUNE]
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♪ I'm in love with a big blue frog ♪
214
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,975
♪ A big blue frog loves me ♪
215
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,894
♪ It's not as bad as it appears ♪
216
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:58,565
♪ He wears glasses
And he's 6-foot-3 ♪
217
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,407
♪ Well, I'm not worried about our kids ♪
218
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:10,493
♪ I know they'll turn out neat ♪
219
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,621
♪ They'll be great-lookin'
'Cause they'll have my face ♪
220
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:17,208
♪ Great swimmers
'Cause they'll have his feet ♪
221
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:26,301
♪ Well, I know we can make things work ♪
222
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:29,137
♪ He's got good family sense ♪
223
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,182
♪ His mother was a frog
From Philadelph-i-a ♪
224
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,643
♪ His daddy an enchanted prince ♪
225
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:56,664
♪ The neighbors are against it
And it's clear to me ♪
226
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:59,793
♪ And it's probably clear to you ♪
227
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:02,837
♪ They think values on their property
Will go right down ♪
228
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:06,383
♪ If the family next door is blue ♪
229
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:15,558
♪ Well, I'm in love with a big blue frog ♪
230
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,436
♪ A big blue frog loves me ♪
231
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,439
♪ But it's better than the beau
I had last year ♪
232
00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:24,984
♪ When I loved a little bumble bee
Oh, yeah ♪
233
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:31,783
♪ Loved a bumble bee ♪
234
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:40,583
[BOTH RIBBITING]
235
00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:46,840
Well, Paul, listen. Listen, Paul.
236
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,843
I just want to say what a real thrill
it is to have you on the show.
237
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,845
That's very kind of you, Kermit,
thank you.
238
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:55,223
You know what? You're not gonna hear
any jokes about your being little-bitty
239
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,475
and small and cute
and all that sort of thing, like you are.
240
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,102
You're not gonna hear that coming from me.
241
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,478
-You promise?
-No.
242
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,856
-Us little guys gotta stick together.
-Oh, yeah.
243
00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:06,401
And besides that, there have been a lot
of famous people who were small in size.
244
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:08,778
-That's true.
-Sure, like Napoleon.
245
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:12,365
-Uh... Truman Capote?
-Uh... Mickey Rooney.
246
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:13,533
Tom Thumb.
247
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:16,244
Not to mention the legendary
Wally Blatner.
248
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:20,498
Wally Blatner, a famous...
Who is Wally Blatner?
249
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,543
Well, he invented the elevator shoe.
250
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:27,422
-The elevator... Really? Lifts, right?
-Mm-hm. Right, right.
251
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,174
Whatever happened to old Wally?
252
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:33,720
Well, one day somebody pressed his down
button and he was never seen again.
253
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,514
Down button? Oh, I get it, you mean he...?
254
00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,016
[IMITATES WINDING SOUND]
255
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:43,313
-That's terrible.
-Yeah, if you think that was terrible,
256
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:47,025
what about the 12 people
who were riding with him?
257
00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:49,569
That's a ludicrous story.
258
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:52,572
I mean, even told by a frog,
that's ridiculous.
259
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:55,658
Really? Hey, do you wear lifts?
260
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,660
-Sometimes, yeah.
-Oh, yeah?
261
00:17:57,786 --> 00:17:59,287
Going up!
262
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,545
Now Paul is someone
everybody can look up to.
263
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:13,968
I am a telephone pole,
I am made of solid wood.
264
00:18:14,052 --> 00:18:18,306
I am a telephone pole,
I am made of solid wood.
265
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:25,313
I am too talented for my own good.
266
00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:28,692
Will you please...?
267
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,821
Yes, ma'am, you're confirmed.
Two tickets to New York City. Thank you.
268
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,948
[SCATTING]
269
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:37,701
-Hello.
-Hello.
270
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:39,577
I want to go to Pittsburgh.
271
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:44,874
I can send you to Pittsburgh first class
on a supersonic jet for $764.
272
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,710
You got anything cheaper?
273
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:50,880
I can send you to Pittsburgh coach class
on a subsonic jet for 511.
274
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,341
You got anything cheaper?
275
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:58,471
I can send you to Pittsburgh excursion
economy in an old prop job for about 398.
276
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:01,099
You got anything cheaper?
277
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,727
Yeah, I could send you to Pittsburgh
standing-room only
278
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:07,230
on a broken-down old bus
for about 75 bucks.
279
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:10,066
You got anything cheaper?
280
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:14,487
Yeah, I think I can work
something out for you, pal.
281
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:29,753
Hey, Charlie, you wanna mail this
to Pittsburgh?
282
00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:39,262
My mother is very religious.
283
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:42,766
-She's a fanatic?
-No, she's a church.
284
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,773
And here they are now, my kind of people,
285
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,525
Wayne and Wanda!
286
00:19:53,777 --> 00:19:55,278
[MELLOW TUNE PLAYING]
287
00:19:57,405 --> 00:20:01,826
♪ You do ♪
288
00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:05,288
♪ Something to me ♪
289
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,707
Ow! Ow!
290
00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:10,043
NEWSCASTER:
Here's a Muppet news flash.
291
00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:14,422
Arnold Stockman, a retired shoe salesman,
recently had a most unusual experience
292
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:18,843
and we at Muppet News Central feel it is a
story that should be shared with everyone.
293
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:23,181
Here in his own words is Mr. Stockman
to tell you of this bizarre event.
294
00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:29,604
Well, it was about a week ago and I
was sitting at home watching television.
295
00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:32,315
-It must have been about 9:00.
-Mm-hm.
296
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,442
Suddenly the phone rang.
297
00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:38,446
Well, I picked it up,
but there wasn't anybody there.
298
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:43,827
So I hung up, and then I went back
to watching the television.
299
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,954
Darnedest thing.
300
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:54,212
Whenever unusual events occur,
you'll hear it first on Muppet News.
301
00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:57,716
Boy, my uncle will be really interested
in this.
302
00:20:57,841 --> 00:21:00,010
-That's private business here, Scooter.
-Sorry.
303
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:03,346
And, by the way, you guys are really
gonna do the old telephone pole bit?
304
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:05,348
That's right, chief.
305
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,183
Lots of luck.
306
00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:10,520
-Scooter, I won't do it.
-What?
307
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:14,733
I just found out what the telephone pole
bit is and I will not do it!
308
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:19,863
Oh, come on... Fozzie, come on,
we're on now. Besides, we'll be terrific!
309
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:23,742
Scooter, we will not be terrific.
We will die out there. Die!
310
00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:28,246
Of course we're not gonna die.
What makes you think we're gonna die?
311
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,708
Just a hunch.
312
00:21:34,753 --> 00:21:38,506
Folks, we got a little something different
for you tonight in the old comedy spot.
313
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:42,385
Our own Fozzie Bear is being joined
by our gofer Scooter.
314
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:47,640
And here they are doing that classic
comedy sketch, the telephone pole bit!
315
00:21:50,143 --> 00:21:53,146
Hello, and what's your name?
316
00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:55,565
Mike Oznowiczsky.
317
00:21:55,648 --> 00:22:00,028
Oh, so you're the telephone Pole!
318
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:07,786
Huh, good old Fozzie.
He's never been better.
319
00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:09,788
-Or shorter.
-Same difference.
320
00:22:09,871 --> 00:22:11,164
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
321
00:22:13,875 --> 00:22:16,795
[PLAYING MELLOW TUNE]
322
00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:33,603
♪ That's a sad song ♪
323
00:22:33,687 --> 00:22:36,356
♪ That used to be our song ♪
324
00:22:36,439 --> 00:22:39,693
♪ The one you just played ♪
325
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:44,322
♪ I wonder if I'd stayed ♪
326
00:22:44,447 --> 00:22:47,200
♪ What we'd be doin' now ♪
327
00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:53,748
♪ Yeah, but part of bein' people ♪
328
00:22:53,832 --> 00:22:57,419
♪ Is an ever-changing mind ♪
329
00:22:58,461 --> 00:23:02,966
♪ We don't mean to be unkind ♪
330
00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:05,343
♪ We just grow ♪
331
00:23:07,053 --> 00:23:09,097
♪ That's a sad song ♪
332
00:23:09,222 --> 00:23:11,850
♪ That used to be our song ♪
333
00:23:11,975 --> 00:23:16,479
♪ And oh, she sang it too ♪
334
00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:20,108
♪ And every word rang true ♪
335
00:23:20,191 --> 00:23:23,236
♪ Like a bell somehow ♪
336
00:23:24,988 --> 00:23:29,659
♪ When I ran off chasing visions ♪
337
00:23:29,743 --> 00:23:34,164
♪ My emotions made me blind ♪
338
00:23:34,247 --> 00:23:38,376
♪ Like a fool I left behind ♪
339
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:41,755
♪ An angel's glow ♪
340
00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:47,802
♪ So play it one more time ♪
341
00:23:47,886 --> 00:23:52,140
♪ That sympathy in rhyme ♪
342
00:23:52,265 --> 00:23:56,519
♪ Let those old familiar feelings ♪
343
00:23:56,644 --> 00:24:00,023
♪ Start to show ♪
344
00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:05,528
♪ Come and sing my favorite phrase ♪
345
00:24:05,653 --> 00:24:09,657
♪ Oh, from those good old days ♪
346
00:24:09,783 --> 00:24:16,790
♪ Let those tears
And sweet memories flow ♪
347
00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:23,088
♪ Play it one more time ♪
348
00:24:23,171 --> 00:24:27,592
♪ Whoa, sympathy in rhyme ♪
349
00:24:27,676 --> 00:24:31,721
♪ And old familiar feelings ♪
350
00:24:31,805 --> 00:24:34,307
♪ Start to show ♪
351
00:24:34,391 --> 00:24:36,559
♪ Let 'em show ♪
352
00:24:36,643 --> 00:24:40,271
♪ Come and sing my favorite phrase ♪
353
00:24:41,439 --> 00:24:44,943
♪ From those good old days ♪
354
00:24:45,026 --> 00:24:52,033
♪ Let those tears
And sweet memories flow ♪
355
00:24:53,451 --> 00:24:59,958
♪ Let those tears
And sweet memories ♪
356
00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:03,712
♪ Flow ♪
357
00:25:13,722 --> 00:25:15,348
That's about the end of the show, folks.
358
00:25:15,432 --> 00:25:19,519
We'd like to thank our
special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
359
00:25:19,602 --> 00:25:25,108
Thank you, thank you, Kermit.
I've loved every minute of it, little guy.
360
00:25:28,111 --> 00:25:31,990
Except, of course, for the parts
that I hated.
361
00:25:32,115 --> 00:25:33,366
I'm sorry about that, Paul.
362
00:25:33,491 --> 00:25:37,203
But we'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show!
363
00:25:39,748 --> 00:25:41,499
[CHATTERING]
364
00:25:42,125 --> 00:25:44,836
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
365
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,164
-This show is good for what ails me.
-Yeah? Well, what ails you?
366
00:26:21,289 --> 00:26:23,166
Insomnia.
28608
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