All language subtitles for The Nanny S04E23 You Bette Your Life 1080p WEB-DL DD2 0 H 264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Niles, any more of those little
sausage patties in the kitchen?

- Hello.
- Does that answer
your question?

Oh, look,
there's a big article

about the charity auction
that you're producing.

How come you're standing
right next to Fidel Castro?

Ma, that's Miss Babcock.
Niles had the paper first.

"Sheffield Produces Benefit
for New York Restoration
Project."

- Oh, we're gonna make
a fortune.
- [CHUCKLES]

It's time the fat cats
puts something back.

Fine. But I already licked it.

I am so sick
of planning this charity
event.

How am I gonna fit four more
people at this table?

Give up your seat.

Okay. Listen up.

I am busting my butt

for a benefit that doesn't
involve profit and I've got
PMS.

The ice is thin!

Good idea, C.C.,
putting Tom at our table.

So who's Tom and does he
have a Cruise, Hanks
or Selleck after his name?

Rosenstein.

Does he have a "doctor"
before it?

He happens to be one of
the richest men in New York.

And if schmoozed properly

will be investing $5 million
in our next show.

Wow, never mind what he's got
in front or after his name.

Does he have an "and missus"
anywhere near it?

Look, Miss Fine,
this event won't interest
you.

No single men, no shrimp,
and no stars will be there.

What about Bette Midler?
I thought she was coming.

[GASPS]

But I also thought I had
an inheritance and I'm
probably wrong about that too.

Oh, did I love Bette
inFirst Wives Club.

I really enjoyed that movie.

I found a theater
that had real butter.

Not just that BS canola oil.

Was the divine Miss M.
in this house?

Was she here the day that
I miraculously found that
ticket

forVictor Victoria
on the front stoop?

[GROANS]

The auction's at 8.
Dress formal.

But I wasn't lying
about the shrimp.

♪♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ in one of those
crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing to the
Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how
she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ when everybody else
is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Hi, Mr. Sheffield.

I brought some of my stuff in

that I wanna donate
to your auction.

Now, I've got
myWhat's Happening

The Raj thermos is
a little bit cracked

but I don't really think
that
that will affect the value.

[CHUCKLES] Miss Fine, that--
That's very sweet of you

but, well, you see,
they're actually auctioning
off items like this.

- "Audrey Hepburn's Oscar,
$30,000.
- Ooh. Wow!

Tennis match with Andre Agassi,
50,000."

Oh, my. Well, I'm guessing

that my autographed
Donna PescowTV Guide

won't bring in
anywhere near that.

Wait a minute.

What do you think
that they would pay

for a wise,
responsible person

to take care
of their children for a day?

- Oh, now,
that's a very good idea.
- Hmm.

You know, I might even bid on
that mys-- Oh, you mean you?

Excuse me,
but what happened to the day

when you actually tried
to hide your horror?

Well, um, you see, um,
the thing is, I'm afraid

that, um, you're so good

that, um, someone might...
steal you away from me.

Now, was that so hard?

[YAWNS]

We should all pop a Tic Tac

because we're about
to sleep together.

- Miss Fine.
- Yeah?

That is Tom's son

who is playing so beautifully.

He's gonna be
a concert pianist someday.

Oh, you know,
my Uncle Benny was a musician.

Actually, it was his monkey
that was the musician.

But Benny made all the costumes.

So, Max, I read the first
act
to your play

and I've been seriously
thinking
about investing the 5 million.

It's quite good, isn't it?

Dreadful. I've been looking
for a surefire tax
write-off.

Well, Tom, look no further.

Actually, I have act two

or should I say act phew.

MAN:Ladies and gentlemen,
the New York Restoration
Project is proud to present

your host and auctioneer
for the evening

Miss Bette Midler!

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, hello, hello, Miss
Midler.
Oh, I just adore you.

A fan, a fan.

Oh, and I adore your accent.

Oh, thanks.
I owe it all to Queens.

- Same with me and my career.
- [LAUGHING]

Oh, my mother and I love her
so much.

All those outrageous outfits
and campy makeup.

You can only get away
with that on stage.

Okay, let's crank
this auction into gear.

What am I bid for
this gorgeous antique chest?

Complete with
the original knobs?

[LAUGHTER]

It's a joke.
Put your hand down, Rabbi.

But seriously, folks

you know, we're not here
just to clean up the parks.

We're gonna get all the
trash out of this city.

I did my part.

I moved to L.A.

[LAUGHTER]

Time to start the bidding.

Let's get the cheap items
out of the way first.

Oh, good. That will give me
a chance to go to the
bathroom.

Item number one: Fran Fine.

Oh!

- Oh, it's you.
- Oh, Miss Midler.

I'll tell you,
you are so awe-inspiring,
girl.

I mean, to have a baby at 40,
I can't even imagine
what that must be like.

Let me tell you.
[SCREAMS]

OK, Ladies and gentlemen,
here we have the services

of a professional child
caregiver for one day.

And let's start
the bidding at

20 bucks.

Do I hear 22.50?

Twenty-five anyone?

Girl, you are on fire.

$1000!

I saw that inGypsy.

Gypsy?

Is there any other?

I myself bid $2000.

Okay, $3000.

$4000.

Take it off, honey.
Show us some skin!

Sorry, sir. Just trying
to drive the bidding up.

$5000?

Yes! All right.

Going once. Going twice.

Sold to bidder number 550
for $5000. Okay.

Who the devil is number 550?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
that I can't spend time with
you

but a little boy bid a lot of
money to spend the day with me.

Hey, I've got $5000.

I'd pay that to have you
all to myself for a day.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, no,
it wouldn't be right, no.

Wouldn't be right.

You know, if you hadn't
donated your services

I wouldn't have been shamed
into donating mine.

Oh, big deal. It's one day.
You did a good deed

- and you raised some money
for charity.
- Mm.

Best 37 bucks I ever spent.

You can start by washing the
car
and changing the oil.

You don't have a car.

I rented one.

Now, Miss Fine,
before Tom and his son get here

remember, we have a little
saying in the theater.

"Mess up with the investor

move back in with your mother."

Well, I have a saying too.

"Mess with the nanny, please."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

- Isn't that a cute saying?
- Yes, yes.
Very funny, Miss Fine.

Thank you.

Tom, Keith, do come in.
Welcome both of you.

Max, I read the second act.

It's actually quite good.

- Oh, we'll fix that.
- Okay.

So, Tom, why don't you
go on ahead to the study
and I'll be right in.

See if we can't suck the funny
out of act two.

Now, Miss Fine, remember,
the child is a gifted
pianist.

Please make sure he
practices at least two hours
like his father asked.

Sure, sure. But, you know, the
kid's got to have some fun too.

Have you ever seen a lady
get her hair highlighted?

Keith, I just wanna thank you
for offering to play the piano

- for my grandma's rest home.
- When did I do that?

At the Clinique counter,
don't you remember?

When we were getting
our eyebrows reshaped.

Hi, Yetti.

Where is everybody?

Exhausted.

Last night, the cable went out,
so we broke into the vitamin E.

That dayroom was likeCaligula.

You see that thumb?
I lost it on Iwo Jima.

That's my big toe
they put there.

Couldn't tell, right?

Honey, go play
"Moonlight Sonata."

And listen, don't be upset
if they're not impressed.

Most of them heard Beethoven
do it himself.

You're the entertainer
today, huh?

Play something with
a "Hava Nagila" beat. You know?

- [PLAYING CLASSICAL PIANO]
- I love that song.

- ♪♪ Hello, Dolly
Well, hello, Dolly ♪♪
- [RYTHYM INCREASES]

♪♪ It's so nice to have you
back Where you belong ♪♪

Big finish, everybody.

♪♪ Dolly, don't go away ♪♪

♪♪ Dolly don't ever go away
Dolly don't ever go away ♪♪

Oh, oh, Keith, you know,
it's all right.

He-- He's gonna be all right.

He's just taking a little break.

This sort of thing happens
all the time.

You just keep playing.

I can't. I can't.

Sure you can. Sure you can.

[LAUGHS] He's just resting.

Right, Yetta?

Sure.

Sweetheart, I'm next in line

for that Italian guy's
corner room with the bidet.

Can you play the tarantella?

[GROANS]

I just spent four hours
putting together a gazebo
for Miss Babcock's terrace.

Miss Babcock doesn't have
a terrace.

Now we both know.

Chop-chop.
I need to hem my aunt's dress.

Since when do you sew?

Since I spent $37 on a dummy.

- [PLAYING PIANO OFFKEY]
- Come on, play!

Play! Play!

I can't. I can't.

I told you,
I don't ever wanna play again.

Maybe a nice piece
of cheesecake would induce
a little "Muskrat Love?"

I can't eat when I'm upset.

Oh, that's right.
Your mother's a Gentile.

Maybe if you played at our
home,
it'd snap you out of it.

No. Wait.

They don't want piano players.

Some kid just killed a guy.

Val, if he's this
traumatized
by seeing an old man die

what's he gonna do when
he sees Mr. Sheffield
tear me apart?

- He's gonna turn into Tommy.
- [SIGHS]

I know what he's going through.

I saw my grandfather die
after his lung machine
suddenly stopped.

Oh, it was so sad.

Because I brought him a tape
of our glee club

and just when I found a place
to plug it in...

he went.

Val!

I didn't know you had a tape
of our glee club.

Yeah.

You know, Fran, maybe
Keith's father won't be
that upset.

My parents were fine
when I gave up my musical career

after seven years of lessons.

Yeah, but, Val, you knew
you were never gonna be great

at playing the triangle.

His father is just gonna
freak.
And how long can I stall

before Mr. Sheffield
is gonna find out?

[MR. SHEFFIELD]
Miss Fine!

There goes seeing
The English Patient.

Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield

just because I've deprived
the world of the next
Victor Borge

does not mean that
his father is gonna take out

the $5 million from your show?

Miss Fine, I was just
calling to see if you
took my Wite-Out again

for your French tips.
You what?

What have you done to Tom's son?

Well, I took him to Yetta's home

and a man with a toe on his
thumb died in front of him.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I can't believe this.

Well, neither can I until
I shook hands with a bunion.

Look, Mr. Sheffield,
even if the worst happens

you'll get another investor
for your show.

Not after I spent a week taking
the story and jokes out of it!

Let's just hope Bette
Midler's
charity's smart enough
to cash that check fast.

Well, look, he's not going
to take it out

on the whole
show business community

just because I made
one itty, bitty mistake.

Don't bet the kibbutz,bubbe.

The kid called his father
and now he's pulling all
his money out of my charity!

Oh, that littlepisher
must have called him

when I took him
to Bloomingdales.

You went to Bloomingdales
after someone had died?

Well, it always makes me
feel better.

Oh, Miss Midler,
I-- I'm so sorry.

I-- I usually never
make mistakes like this.

Ignore his shocked expression.

Listen, I'll do anything
to make it up to.

Just tell me what I should do.

Start running.

Oh, Miss Midler.

I'm one of your biggest fans.

That's a shocker.

[GRUNTING]

Stop hitting me with that purse!

- Now, what's wrong
with this picture?
- I give up.

We're Jewish, we're running,
and there's macaroons
over there.

Are they fresh?

- Who cares?
- Who cares?

BOTH: Mmm!

[CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING]

Miss Fine?
Miss Fine, how did you do
this?

It's not important how.

What's important is it was done.

How was it done?

I think I've learned a thing or
two from somebody around here.

- It was me.
- It was me.

Okay, Ringo,
are we back in the saddle,
babe?

Well, it seems that way.

You get your parks cleaned,
I get to do my show.

Now, I just have to persuade
Tom the third act is worse

than the first two.

Oh, if push comes to shove,
you'll just cast it really
bad.

And there's your
leading lady now.

Oh, you don't have to thank me.

It's my gift to you.

Well, just finish out
the hour and send him home.

Oh, you're welcome.

[DEVIOUS LAUGH]

Oh, Niles.

All those years of
kneading dough really paid
off.

You know what?

Let's lose the sheet.
I'm not shy.

How much longer
do we have to go?

MORTY: Fifteen minutes.

How can that be, Morty?
You said that 15 minutes ago.

I'm going by the VCR clock.

You have five minutes to go.

Five minutes?

Then let's take it all off.
I'm not embarrassed.

[♪♪♪]