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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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Right arm up and elbow bent.
2
00:00:05,382 --> 00:00:07,969
Head roll, shimmy it, and shimmy it.
3
00:00:07,980 --> 00:00:10,316
And step on the bug.
Squish it, squish it.
4
00:00:10,327 --> 00:00:12,438
Bitten by a rattlesnake. Wince! Wince!
5
00:00:12,449 --> 00:00:14,951
Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.
6
00:00:14,951 --> 00:00:16,119
Drive to the hospital.
7
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Swerving, swerving.
8
00:00:18,163 --> 00:00:19,331
Slam on the brakes.
9
00:00:19,331 --> 00:00:21,333
Backwards box step.
10
00:00:21,333 --> 00:00:22,459
- Yeah!
- Yes!
11
00:00:22,459 --> 00:00:23,627
Whoo!
12
00:00:23,627 --> 00:00:25,212
Okay, okay, break time.
13
00:00:25,212 --> 00:00:28,048
Must take a break to not die.
14
00:00:28,426 --> 00:00:30,842
We're doing the annual
father-daughter dance,
15
00:00:30,842 --> 00:00:33,178
so we need to... are you knitting?
16
00:00:33,178 --> 00:00:35,805
Read an article that said
hobbies are good for the brain.
17
00:00:35,805 --> 00:00:37,974
Also said to give up bacon and fudge.
18
00:00:37,974 --> 00:00:40,977
But you can't believe
everything you read.
19
00:00:40,977 --> 00:00:42,562
Jimmy, car looks great.
20
00:00:42,882 --> 00:00:44,731
Any shot at winning the Pinewood Derby?
21
00:00:44,731 --> 00:00:46,566
Yeah, if nobody else shows up.
22
00:00:46,566 --> 00:00:47,901
Okay, Grace, let's take another...
23
00:00:47,901 --> 00:00:49,486
ah!
24
00:00:49,486 --> 00:00:52,072
- Oh, my God!
- Dad, are you okay?
25
00:00:52,375 --> 00:00:55,325
Don't move, don't move,
don't move, don't move.
26
00:00:55,325 --> 00:00:58,870
Oh, thank God, the blanket's unharmed.
27
00:00:58,870 --> 00:01:00,705
You can move now, Jim.
28
00:01:00,705 --> 00:01:02,749
I've never seen a human fly like that.
29
00:01:02,749 --> 00:01:05,627
- Are you okay, Dad?
- Yeah, yeah, I think I am.
30
00:01:05,627 --> 00:01:07,546
It must be the adrenaline.
31
00:01:07,546 --> 00:01:08,880
I don't feel a thing.
32
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,258
Where's my other knitting needle?
33
00:01:11,662 --> 00:01:13,969
Ahh.
34
00:01:21,906 --> 00:01:22,936
Why did they just gasp?
35
00:01:22,947 --> 00:01:24,729
Uh, no reason.
36
00:01:24,729 --> 00:01:27,440
Nobody gasps just to gasp.
37
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,901
Son, I need you to look at me.
38
00:01:29,901 --> 00:01:31,012
Why, what's happening?
39
00:01:31,023 --> 00:01:32,445
Everything is gonna be okay.
40
00:01:32,445 --> 00:01:33,965
Why wouldn't everything be okay?
41
00:01:33,976 --> 00:01:35,323
No reason. That's why
42
00:01:35,323 --> 00:01:37,659
everything is gonna be okay.
43
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,620
Don't sit down!
44
00:01:42,873 --> 00:01:44,958
There's a knitting needle in
my butt cheek, isn't there?
45
00:01:48,295 --> 00:01:51,172
No, there isn't.
46
00:02:13,809 --> 00:02:18,809
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
47
00:02:19,284 --> 00:02:21,828
Hey, thanks for the help
cleaning up the table, kids.
48
00:02:21,828 --> 00:02:24,164
I plugged the hole with
a dollop of Polysporin,
49
00:02:24,164 --> 00:02:26,791
and now my tush is good as new.
50
00:02:26,791 --> 00:02:28,418
Look who's here with Chinese.
51
00:02:28,418 --> 00:02:31,004
Got the orange chicken family meal.
52
00:02:31,004 --> 00:02:35,425
Orange, my second favorite
chicken flavor after nuggets.
53
00:02:36,635 --> 00:02:37,802
Where's the coffee table?
54
00:02:37,802 --> 00:02:40,013
- I got hit by a car.
- What?
55
00:02:40,013 --> 00:02:41,973
Oh, continue.
56
00:02:41,973 --> 00:02:43,600
Anyway, took a little bit of a tumble.
57
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,101
Punctured my old patootie.
58
00:02:47,521 --> 00:02:50,524
But I am confident that by this
Friday's father-daughter dance,
59
00:02:50,524 --> 00:02:52,400
that my little moneymaker will be 100%.
60
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:53,860
Not this Friday night.
61
00:02:53,860 --> 00:02:55,987
This Friday is the Pinewood Derby.
62
00:02:55,987 --> 00:02:57,531
No, that's next Friday.
63
00:02:57,531 --> 00:02:58,786
It's in my phone. See?
64
00:02:58,797 --> 00:03:00,700
Next Friday.
65
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:02,744
Pretty sure they changed it.
66
00:03:02,744 --> 00:03:04,746
No, they would have sent
you home with a memo.
67
00:03:04,746 --> 00:03:09,334
Jimmy, did you leave a
memo in your backpack again?
68
00:03:09,334 --> 00:03:12,170
What kind of word is "memo"?
69
00:03:12,170 --> 00:03:13,797
It's short for "memorandum."
70
00:03:13,797 --> 00:03:16,883
What kind of word is "memorandum"?
71
00:03:16,883 --> 00:03:19,803
I believe it's the
long version of "memo."
72
00:03:19,803 --> 00:03:21,846
I know, but they're all we got.
73
00:03:22,212 --> 00:03:24,548
When is the last time you emptied this?
74
00:03:24,588 --> 00:03:26,256
Last time I what?
75
00:03:27,310 --> 00:03:29,479
Dad, you got to go to
the father-daughter dance.
76
00:03:29,479 --> 00:03:30,730
Grace, I know.
77
00:03:30,730 --> 00:03:32,232
Have I not learned all the moves?
78
00:03:32,232 --> 00:03:33,483
Risked paralysis?
79
00:03:33,483 --> 00:03:34,901
The father-daughter
dance is why I'm getting
80
00:03:34,901 --> 00:03:37,946
bitten by rattlesnakes
and swerving off the road.
81
00:03:37,946 --> 00:03:39,739
I'm the daughter, you're my father.
82
00:03:39,739 --> 00:03:41,825
There's a dance. We have to go!
83
00:03:41,825 --> 00:03:43,535
This is an unsigned
permission slip for the zoo
84
00:03:43,535 --> 00:03:44,578
from two weeks ago.
85
00:03:44,578 --> 00:03:45,745
And you still went?
86
00:03:45,745 --> 00:03:47,873
There's cracks in the system.
87
00:03:49,207 --> 00:03:50,584
Ugh! He's right.
88
00:03:50,584 --> 00:03:51,793
They did change the date of the derby.
89
00:03:51,793 --> 00:03:54,671
- I hate this school.
- I'm with you, Mom.
90
00:03:54,671 --> 00:03:56,590
You are not without blame, buddy.
91
00:03:56,590 --> 00:03:58,758
Me? They put their trust in a C student.
92
00:03:58,758 --> 00:04:00,260
You're a B student.
93
00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:02,804
I think there's another
memo in that bag.
94
00:04:04,514 --> 00:04:06,600
Dad, the dance is our tradition...
95
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,310
a tradition that's about to be over.
96
00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:09,686
I know I messed up,
97
00:04:09,686 --> 00:04:11,855
but the Pinewood Derby
is a tradition too.
98
00:04:11,855 --> 00:04:13,356
Dad, you gotta come with me.
99
00:04:13,356 --> 00:04:16,443
All right, I-I realize
that you both need Super Dad
100
00:04:16,443 --> 00:04:17,944
to bless you with his presence.
101
00:04:17,944 --> 00:04:20,822
But cloning technology
has sadly not kept pace
102
00:04:20,822 --> 00:04:23,909
with the universal need for more me.
103
00:04:23,909 --> 00:04:26,995
So just give me a minute
to figure out a plan.
104
00:04:29,372 --> 00:04:31,416
Okay, help.
105
00:04:31,416 --> 00:04:33,960
Uh, okay. Well, why don't I sub in
106
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,295
for Dad at the Pinewood Derby?
107
00:04:35,295 --> 00:04:36,463
Boom, problem solved.
108
00:04:36,463 --> 00:04:38,089
No, not boom.
109
00:04:38,089 --> 00:04:39,299
I can't go with Mom.
110
00:04:39,299 --> 00:04:41,176
Whenever I'm with Mom,
everyone calls me...
111
00:04:43,762 --> 00:04:45,597
When I was playing
Fortnite last month...
112
00:04:45,597 --> 00:04:47,849
keep in mind, I have a
live mic on my headset
113
00:04:47,849 --> 00:04:51,144
that is broadcasting to
45 of my best friends...
114
00:04:51,144 --> 00:04:52,646
Mom bursts in yelling,
115
00:04:52,646 --> 00:04:54,814
"Goo Goo Bear, your
bubble bath is ready."
116
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:58,569
My God, what were you thinking?
117
00:05:00,386 --> 00:05:02,138
I was thinking it was tubby time.
118
00:05:04,366 --> 00:05:08,161
Plus, Mom, Steve Green's
dad is always saying
119
00:05:08,161 --> 00:05:10,622
that you're the prettiest
mom in the neighborhood.
120
00:05:10,622 --> 00:05:13,291
Oh. Jerry said that?
121
00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:14,626
Hm.
122
00:05:14,626 --> 00:05:17,546
Yeah, Jerry said that.
123
00:05:17,546 --> 00:05:19,256
Jerry says a lot of things.
124
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,176
Grace, why don't I sub in at the dance?
125
00:05:23,176 --> 00:05:24,636
I'm a better dancer than your dad.
126
00:05:24,636 --> 00:05:26,346
Just ask the coffee table.
127
00:05:26,346 --> 00:05:28,390
I'm not going to the
father-daughter dance
128
00:05:28,390 --> 00:05:29,724
- with my mom.
- Why?
129
00:05:29,724 --> 00:05:31,184
Your other classmates
go with their moms,
130
00:05:31,184 --> 00:05:33,478
- and they think it's cool.
- Yeah, if you have two moms
131
00:05:33,478 --> 00:05:34,855
or your dad's in prison, it's cool.
132
00:05:34,855 --> 00:05:37,524
But that's not me. Dad, you decide.
133
00:05:37,524 --> 00:05:39,401
The child that first made you a father
134
00:05:39,401 --> 00:05:41,027
or the other kid?
135
00:05:41,027 --> 00:05:42,362
Other kid?
136
00:05:42,362 --> 00:05:46,658
I am James Patrick
Kearney, second of his name.
137
00:05:46,658 --> 00:05:48,869
I cannot and will not choose.
138
00:05:48,869 --> 00:05:51,121
Ethically and philosophically,
it would be a mistake
139
00:05:51,121 --> 00:05:54,749
because one of you would not like me.
140
00:05:54,749 --> 00:05:56,459
The more I see how
adults make decisions,
141
00:05:56,459 --> 00:05:58,545
the less safe I feel.
142
00:05:58,545 --> 00:06:00,171
So what, we flip a coin?
143
00:06:00,171 --> 00:06:02,591
Ah, the age-old
tiebreaker. Jimmy, call it.
144
00:06:02,591 --> 00:06:04,801
- Give me the nickel off the car.
- Heads.
145
00:06:04,801 --> 00:06:06,011
I'm not flipping it. The losing kid
146
00:06:06,011 --> 00:06:07,512
will just blame me for how I flipped.
147
00:06:07,512 --> 00:06:09,556
The blame is never on the
flipper, it's on the caller.
148
00:06:09,556 --> 00:06:11,016
Why? The responsibility is just
149
00:06:11,016 --> 00:06:12,183
as much on the flipper as the caller.
150
00:06:12,183 --> 00:06:14,060
- She's got a point.
- That's legit.
151
00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:16,605
No, no, no, the caller has
two choices, heads or tails.
152
00:06:16,605 --> 00:06:18,523
If Jimmy picks the wrong one,
then the blame lies with him.
153
00:06:18,523 --> 00:06:20,901
But the flipper is the last
person to touch the coin.
154
00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:22,485
That's when the questions begin.
155
00:06:22,485 --> 00:06:24,404
How high did the flipper toss?
How fast did the flipper flip?
156
00:06:24,404 --> 00:06:26,364
The flipper holds the fate
of the flip in their hands.
157
00:06:26,364 --> 00:06:28,074
The flipper has all the blame.
158
00:06:29,784 --> 00:06:31,786
Trey, we need you to flip a coin.
159
00:06:33,330 --> 00:06:35,248
Jimmy Jr.'s already called heads.
160
00:06:35,248 --> 00:06:37,334
We need an impartial
flipper to flip in a way
161
00:06:37,334 --> 00:06:40,086
that is free of conscious
or unconscious flipper bias.
162
00:06:40,086 --> 00:06:41,922
How could a flipper flip with bias?
163
00:06:41,922 --> 00:06:44,341
Velocity, trajectory, phalange, finesse.
164
00:06:44,341 --> 00:06:45,926
I've studied magic, so I know.
165
00:06:45,926 --> 00:06:47,761
I am not surprised.
166
00:06:47,761 --> 00:06:49,804
Did you know that coin
flipping actually began
167
00:06:49,804 --> 00:06:51,723
during the Roman Empire
when they had to decide
168
00:06:51,723 --> 00:06:53,725
who was going to be castrated?
169
00:06:53,725 --> 00:06:55,435
The term eunuch comes...
170
00:06:55,435 --> 00:06:57,103
Flip it!
171
00:06:59,272 --> 00:07:00,440
- Tails.
- Yes!
172
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,983
I'm gonna go try on my dress.
173
00:07:01,983 --> 00:07:05,070
That's what the losers
used to say in Rome.
174
00:07:05,070 --> 00:07:06,947
We're gonna need more orange chicken.
175
00:07:06,947 --> 00:07:08,990
- You spilled it?
- I ate it.
176
00:07:08,990 --> 00:07:11,701
You ate the whole thing?
It was a family size.
177
00:07:11,701 --> 00:07:14,162
I'm family.
178
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:18,124
I'm really sorry about missing
the Pinewood Derby, buddy.
179
00:07:18,124 --> 00:07:20,126
This is a ridiculous way to parent.
180
00:07:22,329 --> 00:07:23,997
Ridiculous!
181
00:07:25,507 --> 00:07:28,301
- Did I mess this up?
- No. He messed this up.
182
00:07:28,301 --> 00:07:29,719
Do you have any idea how many times
183
00:07:29,719 --> 00:07:31,221
we've told him to empty his backpack?
184
00:07:31,221 --> 00:07:32,597
Well, is there anything I can do?
185
00:07:32,597 --> 00:07:33,848
I feel responsible.
186
00:07:33,848 --> 00:07:35,517
Well, you should. You're the flipper.
187
00:07:35,517 --> 00:07:37,811
If you'd stayed in the kitchen,
none of this would've happened.
188
00:07:37,822 --> 00:07:39,626
And we have chicken.
189
00:07:44,073 --> 00:07:46,314
Hey, kid. Sorry it didn't go your way.
190
00:07:46,325 --> 00:07:48,077
I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.
191
00:07:48,077 --> 00:07:50,454
No, I get it. I totally get it.
192
00:07:50,454 --> 00:07:53,040
I mean, I enjoyed going to
the Pinewood Derby with my dad.
193
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,708
I really loved that bonding time.
194
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,043
Yeah, it's fun.
195
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:57,545
I mean, we make a whole night out of it.
196
00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:00,297
First we lose, then
we go to Mike's Pastry,
197
00:08:00,297 --> 00:08:02,341
and the whole time we're laughing.
198
00:08:02,341 --> 00:08:04,844
I love me some Mike's Pastry.
199
00:08:04,844 --> 00:08:06,720
You know, um,
200
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,931
you'd probably do better
if you polished your axle
201
00:08:08,931 --> 00:08:11,433
and checked your alignment.
202
00:08:11,433 --> 00:08:14,311
When I was a scout,
we studied woodworking,
203
00:08:14,311 --> 00:08:17,356
we studied aerodynamics,
weight transfer.
204
00:08:17,356 --> 00:08:19,692
We had this thing down to a science.
205
00:08:19,692 --> 00:08:22,153
Will you go to the Derby
with me instead of my mom?
206
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:23,571
Dude, your mom's gonna kill it.
207
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,073
She's in the kitchen scouring
the web for ways to win.
208
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,534
Well, she should scour your head.
209
00:08:30,995 --> 00:08:33,080
Please? You're my stepdad.
210
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,291
I mean, future stepdad.
211
00:08:39,837 --> 00:08:43,174
I-I will be your stepdad.
212
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,426
Unless, um...
213
00:08:45,426 --> 00:08:47,928
how are you and Mom
getting along lately?
214
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,180
We're good.
215
00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:51,098
Why, you heard something?
216
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,892
Dude, you think she'd tell me?
217
00:08:52,892 --> 00:08:54,685
I thought my parents
had a good marriage.
218
00:08:56,562 --> 00:08:57,897
Talk to her.
219
00:08:57,897 --> 00:09:01,567
Fingers crossed for the
Derby and your engagement.
220
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:05,070
The engagement's solid.
Let me go work on the Derby.
221
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,706
Pro tip, always include
the words "Pinewood Derby"
222
00:09:15,706 --> 00:09:17,208
when you Google "which
lubricant gives you
223
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:19,877
the most bang for your buck?"
224
00:09:19,877 --> 00:09:21,462
Also, "wood derby" by itself
225
00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:24,256
will return some very disturbing images.
226
00:09:24,256 --> 00:09:26,217
We gotta bring back shame.
227
00:09:27,676 --> 00:09:29,094
Are you okay?
228
00:09:29,094 --> 00:09:32,056
Yeah, um,
229
00:09:32,056 --> 00:09:36,227
Jimmy Jr. just called
me his future stepdad.
230
00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:41,148
Emotions just kind of
snuck up on me like a burp.
231
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:43,692
He wants me to take him to the Derby.
232
00:09:43,692 --> 00:09:45,027
Instead of me?
233
00:09:45,027 --> 00:09:46,904
Yeah, but it's only
'cause I'm an Eagle Scout.
234
00:09:46,904 --> 00:09:49,198
Oh, yeah, of course.
235
00:09:49,198 --> 00:09:51,534
- So you won't feel hurt?
- Far from.
236
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:53,744
- Cast aside or iced out?
- Nope.
237
00:09:53,744 --> 00:09:55,871
- Taken for granted?
- I don't think in those terms.
238
00:09:55,871 --> 00:09:57,331
You're amazing.
239
00:09:57,331 --> 00:09:59,125
By the way,
240
00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:01,460
I think your Eagle
Scout thing is super hot.
241
00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:03,838
That might be the first time
those words were ever spoken.
242
00:10:13,305 --> 00:10:16,225
This is when you really
miss coffee tables.
243
00:10:18,561 --> 00:10:21,647
- Where's Dad?
- Went to go pick up his tux.
244
00:10:21,647 --> 00:10:24,191
Oh, my God, I can't get
over how good you look.
245
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,485
- Let me get a few pictures.
- Mom, enough, please.
246
00:10:26,485 --> 00:10:28,487
I'm the most documented
child in captivity.
247
00:10:32,116 --> 00:10:34,368
Hey, future stepdad.
248
00:10:34,368 --> 00:10:37,204
- Big night.
- Jimmy, Trey's here.
249
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,831
You're gonna do great, okay?
250
00:10:38,831 --> 00:10:40,624
Just remember the basics.
Favorite place to eat?
251
00:10:40,624 --> 00:10:42,418
7-Eleven. Two Big Bites,
252
00:10:42,418 --> 00:10:44,712
blue Takis, Code Red Mountain Dew,
253
00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:47,131
and family-sized pack
of Sour Patch Kids.
254
00:10:47,131 --> 00:10:49,258
And if he then gets sick in the car?
255
00:10:49,258 --> 00:10:50,885
Ginger ale.
256
00:10:50,885 --> 00:10:52,678
Really sick?
257
00:10:52,678 --> 00:10:53,762
Backup ginger ale.
258
00:10:55,264 --> 00:10:56,974
An Eagle Scout is always prepared.
259
00:10:56,974 --> 00:10:58,058
Yep.
260
00:11:00,578 --> 00:11:01,814
Jim, where are you?
261
00:11:01,825 --> 00:11:03,063
I'm stuck.
262
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:04,064
What do you mean you're stuck?
263
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,566
The green line is stuck.
264
00:11:05,566 --> 00:11:07,735
- Are you on the green line?
- No, Julia.
265
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:10,029
I'm updating you on an
unrelated track closure.
266
00:11:10,029 --> 00:11:12,031
Yes, I'm on the green
line, and I'm stuck!
267
00:11:12,031 --> 00:11:15,534
And desperately clinging
to a single bar of service.
268
00:11:15,534 --> 00:11:17,620
Dad, the dance starts in an hour.
269
00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:19,246
I told the engineer that.
270
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:21,874
But like this train, he was unmoved.
271
00:11:21,874 --> 00:11:23,042
I'll go to the dance.
272
00:11:23,042 --> 00:11:24,168
We'll say your father is in prison.
273
00:11:24,168 --> 00:11:26,128
We can brainstorm about why on the way.
274
00:11:26,128 --> 00:11:27,838
No, no, no, no! I'm innocent.
275
00:11:27,838 --> 00:11:29,840
I-I'm gonna make it,
Grace. You hear me?
276
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,717
Grandpa is on his way
to escort you there,
277
00:11:31,717 --> 00:11:34,845
and I will arrive before
the last dance, I promise.
278
00:11:34,845 --> 00:11:36,972
There are some old dads
there on their third wives,
279
00:11:36,972 --> 00:11:39,767
so I guess Grandpa won't stand out.
280
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,770
Um, he's not gonna wear his
powder blue tuxedo, is he?
281
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,855
Oh, no, that's just for
weddings and funerals.
282
00:11:44,855 --> 00:11:46,357
He'll be there any second.
283
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:47,983
Can I have your attention, please?
284
00:11:47,983 --> 00:11:49,902
Could the guy in the back
who's standing up on the seat
285
00:11:49,902 --> 00:11:53,322
please get his dirty
sneakers off the seat?
286
00:11:56,659 --> 00:11:59,245
You're deliberately going the
long way to jack up the fare!
287
00:11:59,245 --> 00:12:00,704
I'm using Waze.
288
00:12:00,704 --> 00:12:03,958
Yeah, ways to cheat me out
of my hard-earned dough!
289
00:12:03,958 --> 00:12:06,585
Trust me, I want you out of
my cab as soon as possible.
290
00:12:06,585 --> 00:12:08,420
You should have taken Storrow Drive,
291
00:12:08,420 --> 00:12:10,005
you rip-off artist.
292
00:12:10,005 --> 00:12:12,174
I didn't take Storrow 'cause
I knew there was an accident.
293
00:12:12,174 --> 00:12:13,509
How? We didn't even try it.
294
00:12:13,509 --> 00:12:15,302
I told you, I got Waze.
295
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,470
Oh, you got ways, huh?
296
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:18,264
I got ways to deal with bums like you.
297
00:12:18,264 --> 00:12:19,640
Pull over!
298
00:12:22,518 --> 00:12:25,146
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hey, you owe me $12.50.
299
00:12:25,146 --> 00:12:27,314
Not a chance, you crook!
300
00:12:28,858 --> 00:12:30,860
This looks like it's worth $12.50,
301
00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:33,154
you Bobby Vinton wannabe.
302
00:12:33,473 --> 00:12:34,807
Not my knitting bag.
303
00:12:34,818 --> 00:12:37,128
I need that for my brain.
304
00:12:39,807 --> 00:12:42,298
A crooked cabdriver just robbed me.
305
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,880
Oh, my God, are you okay?
306
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,299
Yeah, he only got my knitting bag.
307
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,510
And my wallet was in the bag.
308
00:12:48,510 --> 00:12:50,762
I'll send an Uber. Give me your address.
309
00:12:50,762 --> 00:12:54,099
I'm on the corner of
walk and don't walk.
310
00:12:54,099 --> 00:12:55,934
Forget it. I'll hail another cab
311
00:12:55,934 --> 00:12:58,311
and just ditch the fare when I'm close.
312
00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,980
See you soon.
313
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,192
Grace, I'm not bullish
on Grandpa's chances.
314
00:13:04,192 --> 00:13:05,277
We may need a Plan B.
315
00:13:05,277 --> 00:13:07,779
Isn't it, like, Plan G at this point?
316
00:13:07,779 --> 00:13:09,239
I may be your best bet.
317
00:13:09,239 --> 00:13:10,574
I've got the perfect dress.
318
00:13:10,574 --> 00:13:13,118
Mom, it's not that I
don't want to go with you.
319
00:13:13,118 --> 00:13:15,203
It's that I don't
want you to go with me.
320
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,874
Trey, will you take me?
321
00:13:18,874 --> 00:13:20,584
To the father-daughter dance?
322
00:13:20,584 --> 00:13:22,627
Yeah, you're kind of
like my other father.
323
00:13:22,627 --> 00:13:25,756
Stepfather... stepfather-to-be.
324
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,843
- They're both saying it now.
- I know.
325
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,970
Keep it together, big guy.
326
00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:34,264
Grace, Trey already
promised to go to the Derby.
327
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:35,515
It wouldn't be fair to Jimmy.
328
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:38,226
What wouldn't be fair
to Jimmy this time?
329
00:13:38,226 --> 00:13:40,645
Well, your father is
stuck in the subway,
330
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,105
and Grace asked Trey to
take her to the dance.
331
00:13:42,105 --> 00:13:43,982
But I know how much
you're looking forward
332
00:13:43,982 --> 00:13:45,817
to Trey taking you to the Derby.
333
00:13:45,817 --> 00:13:47,736
Even though I've done a lot of research,
334
00:13:47,736 --> 00:13:48,987
and I know that if we swap out
335
00:13:48,987 --> 00:13:50,781
the steel axle for the graphite,
336
00:13:50,781 --> 00:13:54,326
we can achieve a significant
reduction in friction.
337
00:13:54,326 --> 00:13:55,702
I'm just saying.
338
00:13:57,245 --> 00:14:00,624
Wow. I don't know so
many of those words.
339
00:14:02,996 --> 00:14:04,399
What would you rather do?
340
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,078
It's up to you, Jimmy.
341
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:12,010
So this is what power feels like, huh?
342
00:14:12,010 --> 00:14:14,096
I like it.
343
00:14:14,096 --> 00:14:16,598
I like it a lot.
344
00:14:16,598 --> 00:14:19,142
Jimmy, I re...
345
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,437
Okay, fine. I'll take Mom.
346
00:14:22,437 --> 00:14:23,772
But I want the bigger bedroom.
347
00:14:23,772 --> 00:14:25,023
And I want to be an only child,
348
00:14:25,023 --> 00:14:26,191
but there are laws that prevent me
349
00:14:26,191 --> 00:14:28,402
from making that dream come true.
350
00:14:28,402 --> 00:14:31,530
Then I win the next
five arguments we have.
351
00:14:31,530 --> 00:14:32,656
- Four.
- Five.
352
00:14:32,656 --> 00:14:34,116
Okay, you win. You have four left.
353
00:14:34,116 --> 00:14:35,200
Trey, let's go!
354
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,870
I promise not to call you Goo Goo Bear.
355
00:14:38,870 --> 00:14:40,747
We can only hope.
356
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,207
Babe, I'm not dressed for it.
357
00:14:42,207 --> 00:14:44,584
I studied up on Jimmy Jr., not Grace.
358
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,586
I know the TikTok song, not the dance.
359
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,213
Go by your place and pick up a suit.
360
00:14:48,213 --> 00:14:50,340
Just dance with her in a
way that won't embarrass her
361
00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:51,717
or you'll... what am I saying?
362
00:14:51,717 --> 00:14:53,176
She usually goes to this thing with Jim.
363
00:14:53,176 --> 00:14:54,302
You're good.
364
00:14:57,228 --> 00:14:59,307
- You moving?
- Uh, I am.
365
00:14:59,307 --> 00:15:01,727
However, my train is
not. Did my dad show up?
366
00:15:01,727 --> 00:15:04,062
Your dad got his wallet
stolen by a cabbie.
367
00:15:04,062 --> 00:15:05,814
- Apparently...
- I don't want to know.
368
00:15:05,814 --> 00:15:07,649
So Grace had to go with Trey.
369
00:15:07,649 --> 00:15:09,609
Wha... no, no, Grace can't go
370
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,027
to the father-daughter
dance without me.
371
00:15:11,027 --> 00:15:12,487
People will think I bailed on her.
372
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:14,322
But you didn't; you just
chose the wrong train.
373
00:15:14,322 --> 00:15:15,949
Wait, no, h-how is this my fault?
374
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,909
I'm not driving the
train. I'm merely a rider.
375
00:15:17,909 --> 00:15:19,828
Yes, I've heard news of budget cuts.
376
00:15:19,828 --> 00:15:22,080
But I expected basic functionality.
377
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,957
Ah, so the rider did pick the train,
378
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:26,084
and the rider did fail to plan
for unforeseen circumstances,
379
00:15:26,084 --> 00:15:28,295
so the rider did, in fact,
choose his own destiny!
380
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:31,006
I will not be flipped down
that rabbit hole again.
381
00:15:31,006 --> 00:15:33,884
I will get to the dance
no matter what occurs.
382
00:15:35,343 --> 00:15:37,012
Pinewood Derby, let's go.
383
00:15:37,012 --> 00:15:38,764
Let's go, Jimmy, let's go!
384
00:15:38,764 --> 00:15:40,766
Pinewood Derby, let's go. Oh!
385
00:15:40,766 --> 00:15:42,225
Gracie, let's go!
386
00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:44,519
I ditched the cabbie at a
red light two blocks away.
387
00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:46,521
Oh, sorry, Bobby. Grace
already left with Trey
388
00:15:46,521 --> 00:15:48,732
to the dance and Jimmy Jr.
and I are off to the Derby.
389
00:15:48,732 --> 00:15:50,609
Ah, the Pinewood Derby.
390
00:15:50,609 --> 00:15:52,110
I used to love going with Jim.
391
00:15:52,110 --> 00:15:54,237
I guess I could go with
little Jimmy next year.
392
00:15:54,237 --> 00:15:57,824
You know what they say.
Grandparents live forever.
393
00:16:02,454 --> 00:16:04,956
Jimmy, you're going
with your grandfather.
394
00:16:07,959 --> 00:16:10,629
Uh, Grace, it's Dad.
395
00:16:10,629 --> 00:16:12,005
Pointlessly leaving you a voicemail
396
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,757
to which you will never listen.
397
00:16:13,757 --> 00:16:16,760
I am so sorry I'm not at the dance yet.
398
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,303
I know you're having no fun without me.
399
00:16:18,303 --> 00:16:20,972
But I promise you, I am on my way,
400
00:16:20,972 --> 00:16:22,974
because there is nothing on this Earth
401
00:16:22,974 --> 00:16:24,851
that will keep me from... rat!
402
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,729
Rat! Rat!
403
00:16:27,729 --> 00:16:30,732
Good lord, look at
the size of that thing.
404
00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:33,235
I'm on my way. Don't dance without me.
405
00:16:42,423 --> 00:16:44,723
Dammit! That was my train.
406
00:16:49,006 --> 00:16:51,675
Here we go, Grace, let's see
if I can keep up with you.
407
00:17:06,812 --> 00:17:10,065
Elbow bent, and shoulder,
shoulder, shimmy it...
408
00:17:10,065 --> 00:17:11,650
- Dad, you made it!
- Oh.
409
00:17:11,915 --> 00:17:13,485
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Trey.
410
00:17:13,485 --> 00:17:15,070
Did you know Trey knew
how to swing dance?
411
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:17,448
I didn't even know you
knew how to swing dance.
412
00:17:17,714 --> 00:17:20,466
- She's a natural.
- And he's a natural coach.
413
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,334
Super, super.
414
00:17:29,334 --> 00:17:30,961
Do you want to step on the bug now?
415
00:17:30,961 --> 00:17:33,505
Hey, DJ, play "Snake
Bite Emergency," okay?
416
00:17:33,505 --> 00:17:36,216
Actually, do you mind if I
do one more dance with Trey?
417
00:17:36,216 --> 00:17:38,635
Oh. Yeah, yeah, of
course. Go... go ahead.
418
00:17:38,635 --> 00:17:40,387
I should probably go freshen
up in the men's room anyway.
419
00:17:40,387 --> 00:17:42,890
A lot of subway soot in my lungs
420
00:17:42,890 --> 00:17:44,475
I should probably cough up,
421
00:17:44,475 --> 00:17:46,768
along with a smidgen of rat dander.
422
00:17:50,022 --> 00:17:51,565
Ow! Ow.
423
00:17:51,565 --> 00:17:53,525
Oh, man.
424
00:17:53,525 --> 00:17:56,361
Happened again. I pulled a hamstring.
425
00:17:56,361 --> 00:17:58,363
Swinging too strong.
426
00:18:00,365 --> 00:18:03,076
Go get 'em, Kearneys!
427
00:18:03,076 --> 00:18:04,578
- Uh...
- DJ, hit it!
428
00:18:04,578 --> 00:18:07,247
- Maybe I should stretch first.
- No time, Dad. Let's go.
429
00:18:07,247 --> 00:18:08,248
Trey.
430
00:18:13,295 --> 00:18:15,130
Left arm up and elbow bent
431
00:18:15,130 --> 00:18:16,173
and shoulder shrug.
432
00:18:16,173 --> 00:18:18,175
And shimmy it, shimmy it.
433
00:18:18,175 --> 00:18:20,135
Right arm up and elbow bent.
434
00:18:20,135 --> 00:18:22,721
Head roll. Shimmy it, shimmy it.
435
00:18:22,721 --> 00:18:24,014
Step on the bug.
436
00:18:35,275 --> 00:18:36,527
And while pretending to pull my hammy,
437
00:18:36,527 --> 00:18:39,071
I almost did pull my hammy.
438
00:18:39,071 --> 00:18:40,538
Thanks for stepping up tonight.
439
00:18:40,549 --> 00:18:43,325
Oh, it was fun to step in.
440
00:18:43,325 --> 00:18:45,369
Then Jim showed up, and I stepped back.
441
00:18:45,664 --> 00:18:47,067
Yep, that's being a parent.
442
00:18:47,078 --> 00:18:49,414
Sacrifice, sucking it up, stepping back.
443
00:18:49,491 --> 00:18:50,874
Hm.
444
00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:53,092
And you're sure you're
all right with all of this?
445
00:18:53,103 --> 00:18:58,048
Dude, I'm a battle-tested
tournament-tough warhorse mom.
446
00:18:58,048 --> 00:18:59,299
What does that mean?
447
00:18:59,299 --> 00:19:00,676
It means that I'm immune
448
00:19:00,676 --> 00:19:02,469
to getting my feelings hurt by children,
449
00:19:02,469 --> 00:19:04,721
because I have to be as a parent.
450
00:19:04,721 --> 00:19:06,849
These are kids. Every day is like this,
451
00:19:06,849 --> 00:19:09,351
except for the first two
hours of Mother's Day.
452
00:19:09,351 --> 00:19:10,644
First two hours? That's all you get?
453
00:19:10,644 --> 00:19:11,728
What do you do the rest of the day?
454
00:19:11,728 --> 00:19:13,230
It's just managing the fallout
455
00:19:13,230 --> 00:19:14,481
from breakfast in bed...
456
00:19:14,481 --> 00:19:15,983
scrubbing the syrup out of your sheets,
457
00:19:15,983 --> 00:19:18,026
rinsing the coffee
stains out of your robe.
458
00:19:18,026 --> 00:19:20,195
Luckily, your children have
gotten you a brand-new robe
459
00:19:20,195 --> 00:19:21,947
to replace the old new robe
they gave you for Christmas.
460
00:19:21,947 --> 00:19:24,616
Mother's Day is the dirtiest
trick the devil ever played.
461
00:19:26,285 --> 00:19:28,162
My mom says she loves it.
462
00:19:28,162 --> 00:19:30,664
Your mom is a great liar.
463
00:19:30,664 --> 00:19:32,166
Look, you've already learned
464
00:19:32,166 --> 00:19:33,959
the biggest lesson of parenting:
465
00:19:33,959 --> 00:19:36,503
When you feel left out, you
gotta shut up and limp off
466
00:19:36,503 --> 00:19:38,255
because their feelings come first.
467
00:19:38,255 --> 00:19:40,549
Besides, it's not so bad.
468
00:19:40,549 --> 00:19:41,967
And they always come back to you.
469
00:19:41,967 --> 00:19:43,677
Sometimes sooner than you want.
470
00:19:43,677 --> 00:19:45,304
Hello!
471
00:19:45,304 --> 00:19:47,639
- Mom, we had the best time.
- Oh, good.
472
00:19:47,639 --> 00:19:49,433
The bug squishing
dance had a lot of steps
473
00:19:49,433 --> 00:19:50,851
to keep track of, so Grace taught me
474
00:19:50,851 --> 00:19:52,978
some swing moves that
she learned from Trey.
475
00:19:52,978 --> 00:19:54,271
Bravo, Trey.
476
00:19:54,271 --> 00:19:56,398
Yeah, you know, I picked
it up at prep school
477
00:19:56,398 --> 00:19:57,900
for the Friday night socials
478
00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:59,443
we had with the girls'
school across the lake.
479
00:19:59,443 --> 00:20:00,819
Mm, how lovely.
480
00:20:00,819 --> 00:20:03,238
As a public school kid,
every other Tuesday,
481
00:20:03,238 --> 00:20:06,450
I would get beaten senseless
by the McGrath twins.
482
00:20:06,450 --> 00:20:08,869
Bob held and Betsy punched.
483
00:20:10,287 --> 00:20:11,747
Hey, hey, hey!
484
00:20:11,747 --> 00:20:14,166
New record in the books. Fourth place!
485
00:20:14,166 --> 00:20:16,293
Whoa! Whoa!
486
00:20:16,293 --> 00:20:17,419
That's my boy.
487
00:20:17,419 --> 00:20:19,004
I never did better than tenth.
488
00:20:19,004 --> 00:20:21,131
Evolution in action.
489
00:20:21,131 --> 00:20:23,050
It was fun, Jimmy.
490
00:20:23,050 --> 00:20:24,468
But I got a cab waiting.
491
00:20:24,468 --> 00:20:26,678
Found a cabbie who
didn't know my reputation.
492
00:20:26,678 --> 00:20:29,681
Until the next Kearney family fiasco!
493
00:20:31,207 --> 00:20:33,894
Uh, kids, I will plan on you
ignoring my calls and texts
494
00:20:33,894 --> 00:20:35,697
until you need something. Love you.
495
00:20:35,708 --> 00:20:37,397
- Love you.
- You're the best.
496
00:20:37,397 --> 00:20:40,108
- Thank you.
- They were talking to me.
497
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,985
I didn't hear 'em say "Dad."
498
00:20:44,822 --> 00:20:46,114
Jimmy, you want some ice cream?
499
00:20:46,125 --> 00:20:48,414
- Always.
- Chocolate or strawberry?
500
00:20:48,425 --> 00:20:49,661
Uh, strawberry.
501
00:20:49,672 --> 00:20:50,828
Chocolate.
502
00:20:50,828 --> 00:20:52,830
- Strawberry.
- Fine, strawberry.
503
00:20:52,830 --> 00:20:54,623
You only have three more
wins in your account.
504
00:20:57,209 --> 00:20:59,753
Man, why are girls so smart?
505
00:21:01,922 --> 00:21:05,217
Oh, and Trey, thanks for the
pep talk before the Derby.
506
00:21:05,217 --> 00:21:06,510
It helped a lot.
507
00:21:06,510 --> 00:21:09,138
You're gonna be a great stepdad.
508
00:21:10,639 --> 00:21:13,350
Are you welling up?
509
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:15,519
I can't look at you yet.
510
00:21:17,104 --> 00:21:18,605
Come here.
511
00:21:22,272 --> 00:21:27,272
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
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37646
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