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1
00:00:01,792 --> 00:00:03,544
[ indistinct speaking
Over telephone ]
2
00:00:03,544 --> 00:00:04,925
[ sighs ]
Yes, I understand.
3
00:00:04,925 --> 00:00:06,087
Uh-huh.
4
00:00:06,087 --> 00:00:07,218
Uh-huh.
5
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,720
Who's mom
Talking to?
6
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,093
I don't know, but her forehead
Vein is working overtime.
7
00:00:12,093 --> 00:00:14,435
Okay, well,
It sounds lovely,
8
00:00:14,435 --> 00:00:16,016
But I have
To think about it.
9
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,688
I got to go.
I'm stirring the sauce, ma.
10
00:00:17,688 --> 00:00:20,020
You have a friend
Named "Ma"?
11
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,353
No.
That was your grandma.
12
00:00:22,353 --> 00:00:23,604
But grandma's
Dad's mom.
13
00:00:23,604 --> 00:00:24,945
This is your
Other grandma.
14
00:00:24,945 --> 00:00:26,237
Grandma has a sister?
15
00:00:26,237 --> 00:00:27,908
No! It's my mom!
16
00:00:27,908 --> 00:00:29,070
Both:
You have a mom?!
17
00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:30,201
[ laughing ]
Yes.
18
00:00:30,201 --> 00:00:32,113
Don't you guys remember
Grandma janet?
19
00:00:32,113 --> 00:00:33,784
Oh, is she the one
You said
20
00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,456
Went off
To live on a farm
21
00:00:35,456 --> 00:00:38,329
Where she could roam free
With all the other grandmas?
22
00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:40,831
A proud parenting moment,
Deborah.
23
00:00:40,831 --> 00:00:42,833
Oh, zip it. Like you're
Gonna be such a good parent.
24
00:00:42,833 --> 00:00:44,505
Another proud
Parenting moment.
25
00:00:44,505 --> 00:00:46,297
Okay, the reason
That we don't spend
26
00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:48,469
So much time with
Grandma janet is because
27
00:00:48,469 --> 00:00:50,841
She wasn't the best mom to me
When I was growing up.
28
00:00:50,841 --> 00:00:52,763
Marty:
What'd she want this time?
29
00:00:52,763 --> 00:00:56,137
She got a timeshare from bruce
In her latest divorce,
30
00:00:56,137 --> 00:00:57,978
And she wants us
To come to san diego
31
00:00:57,978 --> 00:00:59,730
And meet
Her special new friend.
32
00:00:59,730 --> 00:01:01,482
I heard a rumor
That in san diego
33
00:01:01,482 --> 00:01:02,813
It's three hours earlier!
34
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:05,646
We got to get these kids
Out of jersey.
Mm.
35
00:01:05,646 --> 00:01:08,068
I sure would like to meet
My other grandma.
36
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,650
Buenas noches, weavers.
37
00:01:09,650 --> 00:01:11,152
Hey, guys. We're actually in
The middle of dinner right now.
38
00:01:11,152 --> 00:01:12,783
I'm doing terrible.
Thanks for asking.
39
00:01:12,783 --> 00:01:15,496
I just pulled a double shift
At salsa castle.
40
00:01:15,496 --> 00:01:16,657
It was hella loco.
41
00:01:16,657 --> 00:01:18,159
And I'm pretty much
Single-handedly
42
00:01:18,159 --> 00:01:19,500
Keeping the coffee shop
Afloat.
43
00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:20,831
Working in
The food industry
44
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,463
Is nothing like "Two guys,
A girl and a pizza place."
45
00:01:22,463 --> 00:01:25,206
If only there was something
That existed to help us relax.
46
00:01:25,206 --> 00:01:26,207
Yes.
47
00:01:26,207 --> 00:01:27,668
A socially acceptable
Opportunity
48
00:01:27,668 --> 00:01:30,211
To get away from it all for,
Say, one to two weeks a year
49
00:01:30,211 --> 00:01:32,423
With the understanding
That you'd then return to work
50
00:01:32,423 --> 00:01:35,015
Refreshed and recharged, thus
Actually improving productivity.
51
00:01:35,015 --> 00:01:37,178
Okay, well,
What you guys are describing
52
00:01:37,178 --> 00:01:38,559
Is called a vacation.
53
00:01:38,559 --> 00:01:40,981
And it just so happens
54
00:01:40,981 --> 00:01:43,434
That this family
Is gonna be going on one.
55
00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:44,525
We are?
56
00:01:44,525 --> 00:01:45,686
Yeah!
57
00:01:45,686 --> 00:01:47,188
The kids deserve
To know their grandma,
58
00:01:47,188 --> 00:01:48,489
And we all deserve
A little r&r.
59
00:01:48,489 --> 00:01:49,400
Yeah!
Yeah!
60
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,152
Yay!
61
00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,193
Wait.
62
00:01:52,193 --> 00:01:53,234
Why are you guys
Cheering?
63
00:01:53,234 --> 00:01:54,655
'cause we're
Coming, too.
No.
64
00:01:54,655 --> 00:01:55,996
No, you're not
Gonna go with --
65
00:01:55,996 --> 00:01:57,618
You know what? That might
Not be such a bad idea.
66
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,870
The more bodies, the less time
I have to spend alone
67
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,702
With my mom
And her new special friend.
68
00:02:01,702 --> 00:02:02,703
So, what do you say,
Guys?
69
00:02:02,703 --> 00:02:04,455
You want to be
Our alien buffers?
70
00:02:04,455 --> 00:02:05,296
We'd be honored.
71
00:02:05,296 --> 00:02:06,377
Max:
Wait a second.
72
00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:07,878
When you said
My hamster, ace,
73
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,880
Went off
To live on a farm,
74
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,842
Does that really mean
He's in san diego, too?
75
00:02:11,842 --> 00:02:13,804
Oh, no.
He's dead, buddy.
76
00:02:13,804 --> 00:02:16,347
When does your parenting book
Come out?
77
00:02:17,848 --> 00:02:18,849
[ slurps ]
78
00:02:18,849 --> 00:02:20,351
♪♪♪
79
00:02:20,351 --> 00:02:24,185
♪ we came from outer space
And settled in new jersey ♪
80
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:28,028
♪ we took names like larry bird
And jackie joyner-kersee ♪
81
00:02:28,028 --> 00:02:30,150
♪ then the humans
Moved next door ♪
82
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,323
♪ started testing
All our limits ♪
83
00:02:32,323 --> 00:02:34,485
♪ so sit right down,
Enjoy the show ♪
84
00:02:34,485 --> 00:02:39,990
♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes ♪
85
00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:42,953
Darling, this vacation
Is a mistake.
86
00:02:42,953 --> 00:02:45,586
Packing is so stressful.
87
00:02:45,586 --> 00:02:47,338
Obviously,
I need my pale pink,
88
00:02:47,338 --> 00:02:49,129
My medium pink,
My dark pink,
89
00:02:49,129 --> 00:02:51,051
And my dark-medium
Pink shirts,
90
00:02:51,051 --> 00:02:53,344
But then I won't have room
For my crocs.
91
00:02:53,344 --> 00:02:55,256
Don't overthink it,
Cinnabun.
92
00:02:55,256 --> 00:02:57,258
We're only going
For a few days.
93
00:02:57,258 --> 00:02:59,470
I've just packed
My flowiest dresses
94
00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,101
And some
Sensible stilettos.
95
00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:03,103
Okay, that's
The shirt suitcase.
96
00:03:03,103 --> 00:03:04,605
Now for the pants.
97
00:03:08,148 --> 00:03:09,810
Hey, sweetie.
Hey.
98
00:03:09,810 --> 00:03:11,612
Don't forget
Your bathing suit.
99
00:03:11,612 --> 00:03:14,275
The ocean in california
Is, like, the perfect temp.
100
00:03:14,275 --> 00:03:15,276
Um, nope.
101
00:03:15,276 --> 00:03:17,618
Abby weaver
Does not do ocean.
102
00:03:17,618 --> 00:03:18,739
What are you
Talking about?
103
00:03:18,739 --> 00:03:20,581
The year -- 2010.
104
00:03:20,581 --> 00:03:21,822
The victim --
105
00:03:21,822 --> 00:03:23,874
Marty weaver, pulled away
By a vicious current.
106
00:03:23,874 --> 00:03:26,457
The hero --
A lifeguard named jasper
107
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:28,539
Who has to kiss dad
On the mouth
108
00:03:28,539 --> 00:03:29,960
To keep him from dying.
109
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:30,791
[ sighs ]
110
00:03:30,791 --> 00:03:32,293
You remember that?
111
00:03:32,293 --> 00:03:34,044
You kissed
Amber's first crush.
112
00:03:34,044 --> 00:03:35,796
It's kind of burned
In my brain.
113
00:03:35,796 --> 00:03:38,259
I'm never going in the ocean
As long as I live.
114
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,340
I didn't kiss him.
115
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:40,431
Yes, you did.
116
00:03:40,431 --> 00:03:42,142
Okay,
Just finish packing.
117
00:03:42,142 --> 00:03:44,305
[ sighs heavily ]
118
00:03:44,305 --> 00:03:46,847
I feel terrible
That I have to leave jane
119
00:03:46,847 --> 00:03:48,809
To go on vacation
With my ex.
120
00:03:48,809 --> 00:03:51,231
Let's send her a picture
Of us packing.
121
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,654
[ squeals ]
122
00:03:53,654 --> 00:03:55,025
"Missing you already."
123
00:03:55,025 --> 00:03:58,198
Sad face, heart,
Airplane.
124
00:03:58,198 --> 00:03:59,360
This is a nightmare.
125
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,662
No. A nightmare
Is what the harsh cali sun
126
00:04:01,662 --> 00:04:04,995
Is going to do to the butkus'
Creamy white shell.
127
00:04:06,036 --> 00:04:07,958
Man: ...You accept
What is beyond your control.
128
00:04:07,958 --> 00:04:11,081
"I accept
What is beyond my control."
129
00:04:11,081 --> 00:04:12,583
Mom,
The last thing I need
130
00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:14,675
Is to be stuck on vacation
With reggie,
131
00:04:14,675 --> 00:04:17,137
Listening to my ex
Talk about his new girlfriend.
132
00:04:17,137 --> 00:04:19,219
Not that I want
To be with reggie.
133
00:04:19,219 --> 00:04:21,181
I've got my own stuff
Going on.
134
00:04:21,181 --> 00:04:22,262
Don't make me go.
135
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,515
"I accept
What I cannot change."
136
00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:25,846
Oh, god!
137
00:04:25,846 --> 00:04:27,518
Did you hear anything
I just said?
138
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:28,939
No!
139
00:04:28,939 --> 00:04:31,101
I was listening
To my self-help book.
140
00:04:31,101 --> 00:04:34,355
It's about accepting people
As they are, flaws and all.
141
00:04:34,355 --> 00:04:36,857
So I should accept the fact
That I have a mother
142
00:04:36,857 --> 00:04:39,029
Who's making me
Go on vacation with my ex,
143
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:41,862
Even though it constitutes
Cruel and unusual punishment.
144
00:04:41,862 --> 00:04:45,706
Oh, sweetie, if you think that's
Cruel and unusual punishment,
145
00:04:45,706 --> 00:04:48,369
Wait till grandma tries
To do a body shot off of you.
146
00:04:48,369 --> 00:04:51,332
[ "Holiday road" plays ]
147
00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:53,414
Larry:
Keep it moving!
148
00:04:53,414 --> 00:04:54,715
Move out
Of the aisles!
149
00:04:54,715 --> 00:04:56,216
Luggage up! Bodies in!
150
00:04:56,216 --> 00:04:57,508
Excuse me, sir.
151
00:04:57,508 --> 00:05:00,220
I can't believe they took
My medium-hold pomade.
152
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:01,472
Those animals.
153
00:05:01,472 --> 00:05:03,844
Where will we put our legs?
This is savage!
154
00:05:03,844 --> 00:05:06,186
Everyone has
Their own tray table.
155
00:05:06,186 --> 00:05:09,229
The flight attendants look
Like daytime talk-show hosts.
156
00:05:09,229 --> 00:05:10,431
This is perfection.
157
00:05:11,982 --> 00:05:14,194
I accept the people I love
Will disappoint me.
158
00:05:14,194 --> 00:05:16,437
This gon-- gonna be the whole --
The whole ride?
159
00:05:16,437 --> 00:05:18,318
I mean, it's okay.
It's totally cool.
160
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,320
I'm just -- I'm asking --
The whole ride?
161
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:24,284
[ chuckles ]
Jane is so funny.
162
00:05:24,284 --> 00:05:26,747
[ cellphone beeps ]
Oh, that's just the guy
I'm seeing -- zak.
163
00:05:26,747 --> 00:05:28,709
Great.
College guy?
164
00:05:28,709 --> 00:05:30,040
Mm-hmm.
165
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,752
[ laughs ]
166
00:05:31,752 --> 00:05:34,254
Classic zak.
167
00:05:34,254 --> 00:05:35,666
Will you get
My back?
168
00:05:37,668 --> 00:05:40,260
Dick, we're inside.
169
00:05:40,260 --> 00:05:42,423
Nicole kidman
Told allure.Com
170
00:05:42,423 --> 00:05:44,094
That you can never
Have enough sunscreen,
171
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,927
And homegirl
Looks like a porcelain doll.
172
00:05:46,927 --> 00:05:49,850
Wife, this was
A huge mistake.
173
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,562
Vacations are full
Of new things I hate.
174
00:05:51,562 --> 00:05:54,565
Husband, vacations
Are for letting go.
175
00:05:54,565 --> 00:05:55,606
Oh, look!
176
00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,317
"Leave the stress
Of work behind
177
00:05:57,317 --> 00:05:59,820
With a relaxing couple's
Massage at the cortez spa."
178
00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:00,981
That sounds fantastic.
179
00:06:00,981 --> 00:06:03,404
Miss! I can't fasten
My tummy rope!
180
00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:05,536
A-and -- and my wife and I
Would like to move to the front.
181
00:06:05,536 --> 00:06:06,907
I don't know
If you've noticed it,
182
00:06:06,907 --> 00:06:08,409
But the seats
Are much bigger up there.
183
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,621
And who the hell
Are you?!
I'm 8c.
184
00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:13,293
That's a ridiculous name.
And you're not sitting there!
185
00:06:13,293 --> 00:06:14,415
Tell her,
Plane slave!
186
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:18,499
Sorry, 8c. I think
You might have to go.
187
00:06:20,090 --> 00:06:21,462
Janet: sweetie!
Debbie: oh! Hey!
188
00:06:21,462 --> 00:06:24,054
Oh, come in.
Come in. Come in.
Hey, janet!
189
00:06:24,054 --> 00:06:25,766
[ laughing ] Hi.
You look terrific.
190
00:06:25,766 --> 00:06:26,927
Oh!
191
00:06:26,927 --> 00:06:28,308
Oh, abby,
You're so blond!
192
00:06:28,308 --> 00:06:30,561
[ chuckles ]
Amber, you grew boobs.
193
00:06:30,561 --> 00:06:33,353
Ma, please!
Lighten up.
It's a compliment.
194
00:06:33,353 --> 00:06:35,065
[ chuckles ]
Hi. Hello.
195
00:06:35,065 --> 00:06:36,477
Come in.
196
00:06:36,477 --> 00:06:37,728
Hi. Hi.
197
00:06:37,728 --> 00:06:39,940
Ah, hello.
198
00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:41,442
[ door closes ]
199
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:42,733
These are
Your neighbors?
200
00:06:42,733 --> 00:06:45,826
And you must be debbie's
Estranged, slutty mother.
201
00:06:45,826 --> 00:06:46,657
A pleasure.
202
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,869
Okay, so...
203
00:06:48,869 --> 00:06:52,833
I'd like you all
To meet my new special friend.
204
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:55,125
Benjamin, sweetie,
They're here!
205
00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:57,668
I accept you.
I accept this, no exceptions.
206
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:01,882
Hi.
I'm benjamin.
207
00:07:01,882 --> 00:07:04,174
Debbie,
Meet your new brother.
208
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:07,427
I'm debbie weaver.
Nice to meet you.
209
00:07:11,852 --> 00:07:13,353
Debbie: mom,
I don't understand this.
210
00:07:13,353 --> 00:07:15,185
Well,
This is benjamin.
211
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:18,729
He's 10 years old, and I
Adopted him four months ago.
212
00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:21,982
Together;
Hi, benjamin.
213
00:07:21,982 --> 00:07:23,273
Are these
My new cousins?
214
00:07:23,273 --> 00:07:25,195
Well, technically,
You're their new uncle.
215
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,698
Hi. I'm your uncle.
Want to see my toys?
216
00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,279
Lead the way, uncle ben.
217
00:07:29,279 --> 00:07:31,702
[ gasps ]
Did he just call him --
Yep.
218
00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,494
Like the --
Rice guy, yes.
219
00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,415
[ sighs ]
Mom, when did you --
220
00:07:35,415 --> 00:07:37,998
Why did you --
What government let you --
221
00:07:37,998 --> 00:07:40,380
I knew this was gonna be
Something of a shock.
222
00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:42,713
That's why I wanted
To tell you in person.
223
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,925
You may not know this,
But I wasn't exactly
224
00:07:44,925 --> 00:07:47,137
A picture-perfect mother
When debbie was growing up.
225
00:07:47,137 --> 00:07:48,428
Larry: oops.
226
00:07:48,428 --> 00:07:50,891
Was that an elephant I heard
Walking into the room?
227
00:07:50,891 --> 00:07:52,352
Well,
I'm different now.
228
00:07:52,352 --> 00:07:55,145
When I divorced bruce,
I gave up smoking,
229
00:07:55,145 --> 00:07:58,148
I started spinning,
I gave up gluten, and --
230
00:07:58,148 --> 00:08:00,861
Voilà! --
I was reborn.
231
00:08:00,861 --> 00:08:02,563
Mm, yeah. She also told me
She was reborn
232
00:08:02,563 --> 00:08:04,314
The morning after
She met charles barkley,
233
00:08:04,314 --> 00:08:05,405
And by "Met" I mean --
234
00:08:05,405 --> 00:08:07,107
Yep, got it.
Okay.
235
00:08:07,107 --> 00:08:10,160
But I knew that there
Was still something missing.
236
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,203
So, I adopted
Your uncle benjamin.
237
00:08:13,203 --> 00:08:14,535
Oh, my god.
238
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:17,247
Marty, hallway, now.
239
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:18,789
Larry: ugh!
240
00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:21,421
These outfits
Are so itchy.
241
00:08:21,421 --> 00:08:23,714
This tommy from bahama
Is a sadist.
242
00:08:23,714 --> 00:08:25,255
Where are you all from,
Exactly?
243
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,547
New jersey.
New jersey.
New jersey.
244
00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:28,048
[ high-pitched voice ]
Nice!
We're learning!
245
00:08:28,048 --> 00:08:31,431
Janet, sweetie,
You're all out of sunscreen.
246
00:08:31,431 --> 00:08:32,803
That is a human child!
247
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:35,395
She has no right
To ruin his life!
Okay, but --
248
00:08:35,395 --> 00:08:37,437
This is the same woman
Who spiked the punch
249
00:08:37,437 --> 00:08:39,940
At my sweet 16
To get the shy kids dancing.
250
00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:42,192
All right, but --
The same woman who met not one,
But two members of journey,
251
00:08:42,192 --> 00:08:44,645
And by "Met," I mean --
We all know
What you mean!
252
00:08:44,645 --> 00:08:46,446
Please stop doing those.
Please.
253
00:08:46,446 --> 00:08:48,148
Look,
Maybe you're right, okay?
254
00:08:48,148 --> 00:08:50,781
Maybe your mother's
Still that wild party
Girl she always was.
255
00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:52,362
[ scoffs ]
256
00:08:52,362 --> 00:08:54,244
But our kids want to know
Their grandmother.
257
00:08:54,244 --> 00:08:56,827
All right? So let's just
Take a deep breath.
258
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,789
[ inhales deeply ]
All right?
[ exhales slowly ]
259
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,290
We'll go change
Into our bathing suits,
260
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:03,003
And we'll go get to know
Your, uh, new, um...
261
00:09:03,003 --> 00:09:04,625
Your new brother.
262
00:09:04,625 --> 00:09:06,627
Fine. I'll go change.
263
00:09:06,627 --> 00:09:08,048
I'm proud of you.
264
00:09:09,219 --> 00:09:10,631
[ sighs ]
265
00:09:10,631 --> 00:09:13,053
But I am gonna prove
That my mother hasn't changed.
266
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,765
You just watch.
267
00:09:14,765 --> 00:09:16,637
And now I'm less proud.
268
00:09:16,637 --> 00:09:18,268
[ inhales sharply ]
269
00:09:18,268 --> 00:09:21,772
Awesome sand hole, max!
270
00:09:21,772 --> 00:09:23,313
Thanks, uncle ben.
271
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:25,776
Sweetie,
Just call him "Ben"!
272
00:09:25,776 --> 00:09:27,608
Max, get my back.
273
00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:29,359
I just got your back,
Dick.
274
00:09:29,359 --> 00:09:31,321
I can't keep
Getting your back.
275
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,325
I feel good, debbie.
276
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:36,827
For the first time
In my life,
277
00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,578
I feel like
I'm doing stuff right.
278
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,250
Yeah.
279
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,662
Speaking
Of doing things right,
280
00:09:41,662 --> 00:09:44,004
What do you say we blow off
These kids for a while
281
00:09:44,004 --> 00:09:45,415
And hit the beach bar?
282
00:09:45,415 --> 00:09:47,467
[ laughs ]
Huh? Come on --
You and me.
283
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:48,298
Tempting.
284
00:09:48,298 --> 00:09:49,970
Old times?
Tempting...
285
00:09:49,970 --> 00:09:51,051
But I'm sober now.
286
00:09:52,422 --> 00:09:54,304
Mom, look at our hole!
287
00:09:54,304 --> 00:09:56,216
[ laughing ]
Oh, that is awesome!
288
00:09:56,216 --> 00:09:57,137
Let me in here.
289
00:09:57,137 --> 00:09:58,348
Hey, butterfly shake.
290
00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,350
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
291
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,982
Deborah, get my back.
292
00:10:03,223 --> 00:10:04,224
[ janet giggles ]
293
00:10:07,818 --> 00:10:09,029
[ sea gulls squawking ]
294
00:10:09,029 --> 00:10:11,231
Whee! You see?
I don't know
About this.
295
00:10:11,231 --> 00:10:12,612
It's not bad!
296
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,995
Look, we're just gonna put
Your toes in, all right?
297
00:10:14,995 --> 00:10:16,576
I got your hand.
Come on.
298
00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,409
We're not gonna swim
Or anything, right?
299
00:10:19,409 --> 00:10:21,121
No, we're just gonna feel
The waves on our feet.
300
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,743
Okay, here it comes.
You ready? Right now.
301
00:10:22,743 --> 00:10:24,334
Ah!
302
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:26,546
[ laughing ]
It's cold.
303
00:10:26,546 --> 00:10:28,338
This actually
Isn't so bad.
304
00:10:28,338 --> 00:10:29,920
Right! You see?
305
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,883
The ocean is just a wonder--
Ow! Ohh! Aah!
306
00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:34,054
Broken shell,
Broken shell.
307
00:10:34,054 --> 00:10:35,015
Aah!
No, no, no!
308
00:10:35,015 --> 00:10:37,217
I am not doing this
Anymore!
309
00:10:37,217 --> 00:10:39,890
Wait! A-abby? Abby!
[ cellphone beeping ]
310
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,311
[ breathing heavily ]
311
00:10:44,224 --> 00:10:45,225
Hey.
312
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,319
I'm just looking
For a, um...
313
00:10:49,319 --> 00:10:52,612
Cool rock...
To bring to zak.
314
00:10:52,612 --> 00:10:56,276
Oh, well, I'm trying
To find...Seashells
315
00:10:56,276 --> 00:10:58,488
To make jane
A necklace.
316
00:10:58,488 --> 00:11:00,240
Good call.
317
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,992
The last person
To wear a seashell necklace
318
00:11:01,992 --> 00:11:03,834
Was david cassidy.
319
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:05,786
I'm sure she'll love
Your timely gift.
320
00:11:06,877 --> 00:11:10,130
And I'm sure zak will love
His fantastic memento --
321
00:11:10,130 --> 00:11:11,882
The cool rock.
322
00:11:17,637 --> 00:11:19,469
[ soft, instrumental music
Plays ]
323
00:11:19,469 --> 00:11:21,181
Oh. Oh, yes.
324
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,263
Husband, this
Is exactly what you needed
325
00:11:23,263 --> 00:11:25,475
To learn how to enjoy
The vacation.
326
00:11:25,475 --> 00:11:27,477
Sir, I can't massage
You if you won't
Let me touch you.
327
00:11:27,477 --> 00:11:30,440
You've been giving oiled-up
Rubdowns to randos all morning.
328
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,023
I'd be safer rubbing my body
With raw chicken!
329
00:11:33,023 --> 00:11:35,115
Husband, just let the woman
Do her job.
330
00:11:35,115 --> 00:11:36,526
This feels amaz...
331
00:11:36,526 --> 00:11:38,368
Ooh, yes.
332
00:11:38,368 --> 00:11:40,080
Sir, if you could just
Let me pull this back.
333
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:40,991
Get off!
334
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,823
Just relax.
Wife!
335
00:11:42,823 --> 00:11:44,374
[ groans ]
Just relax.
336
00:11:44,374 --> 00:11:45,746
Lady, let...
337
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:46,827
Please?
...Go of it!
338
00:11:46,827 --> 00:11:48,829
Wife, sheet up!
339
00:11:48,829 --> 00:11:50,500
What?
Larry:
We're leaving!
340
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,172
These women
Are perverted.
341
00:11:52,172 --> 00:11:55,505
I don't know what your game is,
Sister, but I'm not playing!
342
00:11:55,505 --> 00:11:57,177
[ ben giggles ]
343
00:11:57,177 --> 00:11:58,889
Careful on the dock,
Champ.
344
00:11:58,889 --> 00:11:59,970
Thanks, uncle ben.
345
00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,511
You're gonna be fine,
Sweetie.
346
00:12:01,511 --> 00:12:03,303
The boat doesn't even
Leave the dock.
347
00:12:03,303 --> 00:12:05,015
Seriously?
It's a vintage
Boat.
348
00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:07,397
We enjoy the view
And drink iced tea.
349
00:12:07,397 --> 00:12:09,479
It sounds lovely.
Ugh.
350
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:12,152
Oh, really.
351
00:12:12,152 --> 00:12:14,484
Every time I think vacation
Can't get any more stupid,
352
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,446
More vacation happens
And proves me wrong.
353
00:12:16,446 --> 00:12:17,657
That's it,
Larry bird.
354
00:12:17,657 --> 00:12:19,239
I'm sick
Of your attitude --
355
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,282
Airplanes are death traps and
Massage parlors are slut houses.
356
00:12:22,282 --> 00:12:24,574
I get that you can't
Handle being out of your
Element for three days,
357
00:12:24,574 --> 00:12:26,827
But some of us
Need this weekend.
358
00:12:26,827 --> 00:12:28,498
There's no reception.
359
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,130
Jane's gonna be
So worried.
360
00:12:30,130 --> 00:12:33,083
We've been texting each other
Every 15 minutes on the 15.
361
00:12:33,083 --> 00:12:36,176
God, it's weird that you guys
Wait so long in between texts.
362
00:12:36,176 --> 00:12:38,178
Zak and I text each other
Every 10 on the 10.
363
00:12:38,178 --> 00:12:39,840
We're like traffic updates,
But hot.
364
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:43,093
I wonder if there's cell
Reception on the upper deck.
365
00:12:43,093 --> 00:12:45,055
There's an upper deck?
366
00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:48,058
[ soft jazz music playing ]
367
00:12:52,232 --> 00:12:53,733
The bartender's
Eyeing you.
368
00:12:53,733 --> 00:12:56,026
I'm sure he'd meet you in the
Bathroom if you offered to --
369
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,737
All right,
Enough, debbie. Enough.
370
00:12:57,737 --> 00:12:59,699
I know what
You're trying to do.
371
00:12:59,699 --> 00:13:01,992
Why can't you just accept
That I've changed?
372
00:13:01,992 --> 00:13:03,663
Because you don't change.
373
00:13:03,663 --> 00:13:05,705
I've been fooled before.
374
00:13:05,705 --> 00:13:07,207
We both know
That before long
375
00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:08,498
You're gonna get tired
Of benjamin
376
00:13:08,498 --> 00:13:10,040
Just like you get tired
Of everything else.
377
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,833
Any day now, you are gonna
Decide to give him back.
378
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,544
You're gonna
Give me back?!
379
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,626
Oh, sweetie!
380
00:13:16,626 --> 00:13:18,548
What did she mean,
Give me back?
381
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:19,880
I don't want to go back.
382
00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:27,187
What did I tell you about
The first moment I saw you?
383
00:13:27,187 --> 00:13:30,190
That you knew your whole life
Had changed forever.
384
00:13:30,190 --> 00:13:31,391
And?
385
00:13:31,391 --> 00:13:34,104
And that you knew
I'd look great in orange.
386
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:35,355
[ laughs ]
387
00:13:35,355 --> 00:13:37,277
You're stuck with me
For life, kid.
388
00:13:37,277 --> 00:13:38,148
You understand?
389
00:13:38,148 --> 00:13:39,699
Yeah.
[ chuckling ] Yeah.
390
00:13:39,699 --> 00:13:42,612
Benjamin, sweetheart,
I'm really sorry.
391
00:13:42,612 --> 00:13:45,115
Sometimes adults say things
That they don't mean.
392
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:48,408
My bad.
393
00:13:52,122 --> 00:13:55,956
[ indistinct conversations ]
394
00:13:55,956 --> 00:13:57,217
Hi.
395
00:13:57,217 --> 00:13:58,758
Hey.
396
00:13:58,758 --> 00:14:01,801
Just taking a photo of this tiny
Drink umbrella to send to zak.
397
00:14:01,801 --> 00:14:02,632
[ cellphone beeps ]
398
00:14:02,632 --> 00:14:03,723
That's great.
399
00:14:03,723 --> 00:14:05,135
Jane loves umbrellas...
400
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:08,138
Big umbrellas,
Drink umbrellas,
401
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:09,389
Rihanna umbrellas.
402
00:14:09,389 --> 00:14:10,971
'ellas, 'ellas.
403
00:14:10,971 --> 00:14:12,602
[ cellphone beeps ]
404
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,975
What are we doing?
405
00:14:14,975 --> 00:14:18,318
I'm...Taking a photo
Of this umbrella,
406
00:14:18,318 --> 00:14:20,280
And you're riffing
On umbrellas?
407
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,363
Maybe...Us being friends
Would go better
408
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,744
If we were
The kinds of friends
409
00:14:24,744 --> 00:14:26,326
That didn't constantly
Try and prove
410
00:14:26,326 --> 00:14:27,827
How great
Our new relationships are.
411
00:14:28,989 --> 00:14:30,490
Just a hunch.
412
00:14:30,490 --> 00:14:31,751
Oh, thank god.
413
00:14:31,751 --> 00:14:32,752
Deal.
414
00:14:32,752 --> 00:14:34,254
Good.
415
00:14:35,455 --> 00:14:38,088
[ imitating jerry seinfeld ]
So, what's the deal
416
00:14:38,088 --> 00:14:40,921
With the tiny
Umbrellas?!
417
00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:42,382
Did you just do
Seinfeld?
418
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,343
[ normal voice ]
Yup.
419
00:14:43,343 --> 00:14:45,055
That wasn't
Totally terrible.
420
00:14:45,055 --> 00:14:47,387
[ imitating jerry seinfeld ]
And what's the deal
With the straw?!
421
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,309
That's really good.
422
00:14:49,309 --> 00:14:50,510
Thank you!
423
00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:02,152
Abby, could you please
Come look at the ocean with me?
424
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:03,863
I know it's big
And unpredictable,
425
00:15:03,863 --> 00:15:06,947
But it's also splashy,
And it's a lot of fun.
426
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:09,579
I like splashy.
427
00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:11,031
What else you got?
428
00:15:11,031 --> 00:15:12,742
[ sighs ]
Well...
429
00:15:14,034 --> 00:15:17,337
What else I got is,
It would break daddy's heart
430
00:15:17,337 --> 00:15:19,539
If I'm the one that kept you
From enjoying the ocean
431
00:15:19,539 --> 00:15:22,712
Because it is my job,
As your dad,
432
00:15:22,712 --> 00:15:25,465
To give you good memories,
Not scary ones.
433
00:15:25,465 --> 00:15:30,050
And if I wound up the guy
Who ruined the ocean for you,
434
00:15:30,050 --> 00:15:32,102
Well, I-I don't know
If I could forgive myself.
435
00:15:32,102 --> 00:15:34,394
So, you got
To help me out here.
436
00:15:35,895 --> 00:15:37,317
Cheap trick, dad.
437
00:15:37,317 --> 00:15:39,439
You know my soft spot
For father-daughter schmaltz.
438
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,821
So, does that mean
We're good?
439
00:15:41,821 --> 00:15:43,323
[ sighs ]
440
00:15:43,323 --> 00:15:44,484
Let's do this.
441
00:15:44,484 --> 00:15:45,445
All right.
442
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:48,368
You get me every time.
443
00:15:51,911 --> 00:15:53,413
Husband.
444
00:15:53,413 --> 00:15:55,035
Look, um...
445
00:15:55,035 --> 00:15:56,746
You're right.
I'm sorry.
446
00:15:56,746 --> 00:15:59,289
Uh, I ruined your time.
447
00:15:59,289 --> 00:16:01,251
I'm terrible
At vacation.
448
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:03,003
Yes, I know.
449
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:05,135
But I realize
It's not your fault.
450
00:16:05,135 --> 00:16:07,217
It's not?
No, you're
The supreme leader.
451
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:08,798
You're used
To being in control.
452
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,551
But I have a plan.
453
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,765
I love a plan.
454
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,362
Hi.
455
00:16:22,362 --> 00:16:24,404
Where's benjamin?
456
00:16:24,404 --> 00:16:27,567
He's having a farting contest
With his nephew.
457
00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:30,280
I didn't mean to hurt
His feelings. I --
458
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,911
I know. I know.
459
00:16:35,825 --> 00:16:36,876
[ scoffs ]
460
00:16:36,876 --> 00:16:38,248
It's not fair.
461
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,752
My whole life, I wanted
The mom that benjamin has.
462
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:45,505
I'm sorry.
I was just so young.
463
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,928
I didn't know
What the hell I was doing.
464
00:16:48,928 --> 00:16:51,301
I know it's crazy
To adopt at my age,
465
00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:53,433
But, you know,
I-I love him...
466
00:16:53,433 --> 00:16:55,935
Just like I love you.
467
00:16:55,935 --> 00:16:57,597
I'm telling you, debbie,
468
00:16:57,597 --> 00:17:00,980
I don't know how
You turned out so great.
469
00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:03,693
I have no idea.
470
00:17:03,693 --> 00:17:07,527
I guess I just thought
That it'd be nice
471
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,409
If there was one person
On this planet
472
00:17:09,409 --> 00:17:12,202
That turned out wonderful
Because of me,
473
00:17:12,202 --> 00:17:14,864
Instead of in spite of me.
474
00:17:14,864 --> 00:17:16,996
[ sighs ]
475
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:22,502
Don't screw it up, mom.
476
00:17:22,502 --> 00:17:24,834
I won't.
477
00:17:26,586 --> 00:17:29,629
All right,
Open your eyes.
478
00:17:31,511 --> 00:17:33,843
We're flying, jackie!
479
00:17:33,843 --> 00:17:35,345
I'm doing it!
480
00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:37,016
I'm vacationing!
481
00:17:37,016 --> 00:17:38,888
Yes, you are!
482
00:17:39,979 --> 00:17:40,980
I'm doing it.
483
00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:43,393
I'm almost
At the edge of the boat!
484
00:17:43,393 --> 00:17:45,445
I'm not scared
Of the ocean!
485
00:17:45,445 --> 00:17:46,686
I'm vaca--
Whee!
486
00:17:46,686 --> 00:17:49,189
[ gasps ]
Husband!
487
00:17:49,189 --> 00:17:51,651
[ shrieks ]
488
00:17:51,651 --> 00:17:53,613
I don't know
How to swim!
489
00:17:53,613 --> 00:17:54,454
Larry!
490
00:17:54,454 --> 00:17:55,825
Husband!
491
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:57,036
Jackie,
Go get a crew member.
492
00:17:57,036 --> 00:18:00,290
Marty!
Zabvronians are like sponges!
493
00:18:00,290 --> 00:18:02,332
We just soak up water!
494
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,378
I got you, larry!
495
00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:09,549
I got you! Come on!
496
00:18:09,549 --> 00:18:11,381
Get up!
497
00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:13,843
[ shouting in distance ]
Okay, ocean...
498
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,515
Prepare to get owned.
499
00:18:15,515 --> 00:18:16,716
Marty:
Get up! Get up!
500
00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:18,678
Dad!
501
00:18:18,678 --> 00:18:20,560
[ both gasping ]
502
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,223
Hey!
503
00:18:23,223 --> 00:18:25,855
Ah! Thank you, baby!
You saved us!
504
00:18:27,897 --> 00:18:29,899
Hey. All right,
We're good.
505
00:18:29,899 --> 00:18:30,900
[ chuckles ]
506
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:33,193
Larry,
Did you just pee?
507
00:18:33,193 --> 00:18:34,324
You didn't?
508
00:18:34,324 --> 00:18:35,365
Oh! Get --
509
00:18:40,950 --> 00:18:43,243
Abby: daddy and larry
Were screaming.
510
00:18:43,243 --> 00:18:45,915
The deck was slippery
Beneath my feet.
511
00:18:45,915 --> 00:18:50,089
I could feel the cold spray
Of the sea.
512
00:18:50,089 --> 00:18:52,962
I could sense the waves rising
By the second!
513
00:18:52,962 --> 00:18:57,637
Every part of me said,
"Turn back, abby. Turn back."
514
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,138
[ gasps ]
515
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:03,683
Well, I once went swimming
In the ocean with tony danza.
516
00:19:03,683 --> 00:19:05,645
And by "Swimming,"
I mean --
517
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,607
Oh, we know --
We know what you mean.
We know.
518
00:19:08,728 --> 00:19:11,481
Husband, your vacation
Is almost over.
519
00:19:11,481 --> 00:19:13,533
But I love it now.
520
00:19:13,533 --> 00:19:16,276
Peeing on marty was
A real game-changer for me.
521
00:19:16,276 --> 00:19:18,448
I think when I let go
Of my bladder,
522
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,950
I also let go of my need
To be in control.
523
00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:26,916
I'd like to put a three-bedroom
House on boardwalk.
524
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,379
You don't have to say
How many bedrooms.
525
00:19:29,379 --> 00:19:31,961
Amber, don't tell the thimble
How to rule his kingdom.
526
00:19:31,961 --> 00:19:34,844
Well, the thimble is going
To have to go without...
527
00:19:34,844 --> 00:19:37,597
Marvin's garden,
Because I am buying.
528
00:19:37,597 --> 00:19:40,139
It's not "Marvin's garden."
It's "Marvin gardens."
529
00:19:40,139 --> 00:19:42,302
Why do you always say
"Marvin's garden"?
530
00:19:42,302 --> 00:19:43,563
Is it?
Yes.
531
00:19:43,563 --> 00:19:45,395
[ imitating jerry seinfeld ]
You always say that!
532
00:19:45,395 --> 00:19:47,016
Oh, you're so weird.
533
00:19:47,016 --> 00:19:48,017
Thank you.
534
00:19:48,017 --> 00:19:49,569
[ cellphones vibrating,
Beeping ]
535
00:19:49,569 --> 00:19:51,311
But it's not.
It's one marvin garden.
536
00:19:51,311 --> 00:19:54,234
Say it.
I'm gonna call it...
537
00:19:55,655 --> 00:19:59,028
For what it's worth,
I think my mom --
538
00:19:59,028 --> 00:20:00,820
Our mom --
539
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:02,452
Is gonna be
A really good mom to you.
540
00:20:02,452 --> 00:20:03,913
Thanks.
541
00:20:03,913 --> 00:20:05,455
Listen, I got a few tips
For you.
542
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:08,788
If your mom makes brownies,
Do not eat them.
Got it.
543
00:20:08,788 --> 00:20:12,882
It is not okay for your mom
To sleep until 2:00.
Makes sense.
544
00:20:12,882 --> 00:20:15,295
If a man named carlos
Comes to your house,
545
00:20:15,295 --> 00:20:16,256
Do not let him in.
546
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:17,216
Who's carlos?
547
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,389
He might be my dad.
548
00:20:19,389 --> 00:20:20,470
[ door opens ]
549
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:21,931
I don't know what happened,
550
00:20:21,931 --> 00:20:24,684
But I'm a golden god.
551
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:37,116
Hi.
552
00:20:37,116 --> 00:20:39,529
Oh. Hi.
553
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:41,361
Anyone see you?
554
00:20:41,361 --> 00:20:42,742
I don't think so.
555
00:20:43,823 --> 00:20:45,625
Are you ready
To do this?
556
00:20:45,625 --> 00:20:47,667
So ready.
We're so bad.
557
00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:49,419
[ chuckles ]
558
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:55,465
[ squeals ]
559
00:20:55,465 --> 00:20:57,216
[ both exhale sharply ]
560
00:20:57,216 --> 00:20:59,048
[ cellphone beeps ]
561
00:20:59,048 --> 00:21:00,300
We did it.
562
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,052
We've been in the bathroom
For an entire mile.
563
00:21:03,052 --> 00:21:04,183
Mile-high club.
564
00:21:04,183 --> 00:21:05,725
[ both squeal ]
565
00:21:05,725 --> 00:21:06,726
[ sighs ]
566
00:21:09,809 --> 00:21:11,230
Want to go again?
567
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,893
Larry bird!
568
00:21:13,893 --> 00:21:15,895
You're so naughty.
569
00:21:15,895 --> 00:21:17,397
[ cellphone beeping ]
570
00:21:17,397 --> 00:21:18,658
[ sighs ]
40043
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