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1
00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:02,273
(abby) get off of me.
2
00:00:02,273 --> 00:00:04,135
Get off me, max!
Well, stop moving!
3
00:00:04,135 --> 00:00:06,177
Mom, what are we having
For dinner?
4
00:00:06,177 --> 00:00:08,039
Really? You want dinner?
5
00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:11,042
We just spent the last three
Hours schlepping around town.
6
00:00:11,042 --> 00:00:12,183
Don't you wanna go inside,
Go to bed?
7
00:00:12,183 --> 00:00:13,314
It's still daytime.
8
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:16,487
Fine. I'll feed ya...
Again.
9
00:00:16,487 --> 00:00:17,688
Come on.
10
00:00:17,688 --> 00:00:19,090
(engine turns off)
11
00:00:19,090 --> 00:00:20,391
Hey, hon.
Hey, babe.
12
00:00:20,391 --> 00:00:21,752
How was your day?
13
00:00:21,752 --> 00:00:23,294
Aw, I spent half of it
In the car
14
00:00:23,294 --> 00:00:24,695
Because max's new karate place
15
00:00:24,695 --> 00:00:27,198
Is 40 minutes away
From abby's gymnastics.
16
00:00:27,198 --> 00:00:29,029
And mrs. Silverworth's
Hip replacement surgery
17
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,231
Went really well,
18
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,032
Which means piano lessons
Start up again tomorrow.
19
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:35,236
I was really bankin' on that
Thing not healing properly.
20
00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:36,237
Hey, parents.
21
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,169
I need $500,
No questions asked.
22
00:00:38,169 --> 00:00:39,370
For what?
23
00:00:39,370 --> 00:00:40,671
So much for
The no questions asked.
24
00:00:40,671 --> 00:00:43,043
It's for driver's ed.
Wait, what?
25
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,645
I always thought that I would
Teach you how to drive,
26
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,178
'cause I'm the best driver.
27
00:00:47,178 --> 00:00:49,049
It's true. He is
The best driver that I know.
28
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,082
He's cautious
Without being too slow.
29
00:00:51,082 --> 00:00:52,523
His merges
Are smooth as butter.
30
00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:53,824
This one time I looked up,
I'm like,
31
00:00:53,824 --> 00:00:55,086
"Marty, how'd we get
In this lane?
32
00:00:55,086 --> 00:00:56,087
We were just
In the other lane!"
33
00:00:56,087 --> 00:00:57,788
And we just merged.
(chuckles)
34
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:03,394
I can't believe my baby girl
Is old enough to drive.
35
00:01:03,394 --> 00:01:04,665
How can you
Be old enough to drive?
36
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,097
You're just, like,
A little chickadee.
37
00:01:06,097 --> 00:01:08,199
Since when do little chickadees
Know how to drive?
38
00:01:08,199 --> 00:01:11,202
Huh? Huh? Tell me.
Tell me how. Tell--
39
00:01:12,343 --> 00:01:13,504
Are you done?
40
00:01:13,504 --> 00:01:15,146
Yeah, I-I'm done now.
41
00:01:15,146 --> 00:01:17,148
Wow. Bold move.
42
00:01:17,148 --> 00:01:19,110
Thanks for inviting us
To the block party.
43
00:01:19,110 --> 00:01:21,112
Father, I want to learn
To drive.
44
00:01:21,112 --> 00:01:22,783
A son does not learn
How to drive
45
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,615
Before his parents
Learn how to drive.
46
00:01:24,615 --> 00:01:25,816
Well, then, maybe it's time
47
00:01:25,816 --> 00:01:27,758
You finally learned
How to drive, father.
48
00:01:27,758 --> 00:01:30,161
Oh, I drive a golf cart.
49
00:01:30,161 --> 00:01:33,794
Don't you worry about me.
I'm pretty fly for a white guy.
50
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:35,466
(jackie) but a car, husband.
51
00:01:35,466 --> 00:01:37,228
Think of the possibilities--
52
00:01:37,228 --> 00:01:40,171
A vehicle with air conditioning,
Seat belts, sides.
53
00:01:40,171 --> 00:01:41,432
Marty, will you
Teach us to drive?
54
00:01:41,432 --> 00:01:42,703
Oh, I don't know, guys.
55
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,205
Teaching someone to drive,
It takes a lot of--
56
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:46,137
Honey, am I right?
It takes a lot of patience.
57
00:01:46,137 --> 00:01:48,209
(car horn honks)
58
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,110
This thing doesn't
Drive itself, you know!
59
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,182
(car door closes)
60
00:01:51,182 --> 00:01:52,843
How'd he do that?
Hmm.
61
00:01:52,843 --> 00:01:58,489
♪♪♪
62
00:01:58,489 --> 00:02:01,252
Okay, that's the gas pedal.
Got it.
63
00:02:01,252 --> 00:02:02,693
That's the brake.
Mm-hmm.
64
00:02:02,693 --> 00:02:04,825
And this is the shifter.
Oh, this is excruciating.
65
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:07,258
We piloted a vessel that carried
Us thousands of light-years.
66
00:02:07,258 --> 00:02:08,899
I think we can handle
A midsized sedan.
67
00:02:08,899 --> 00:02:09,900
Zip it.
68
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,362
Okay, jackie,
Take us away.
69
00:02:11,362 --> 00:02:12,363
(starts engine)
70
00:02:12,363 --> 00:02:14,465
Ooh. Listen to her purr.
71
00:02:14,465 --> 00:02:16,737
Pretty good.
Ooh.
72
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:19,870
Whoa. Jackie,
This is amazing.
73
00:02:19,870 --> 00:02:22,313
You're a natural, jackie.
(inhales deeply) ooh.
74
00:02:22,313 --> 00:02:24,245
All right.
Enough hogging of the wheel.
75
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:26,146
It's the big bird's turn.
76
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,319
All right. Use the door, larry.
Use the door.
77
00:02:28,319 --> 00:02:29,750
Oh, sorry.
78
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,352
All right, larry.
Just like jackie.
79
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:32,923
Marty, I've got this,
Okay?
80
00:02:32,923 --> 00:02:34,885
Okay. That's good--
81
00:02:34,885 --> 00:02:36,727
Aah!
Aah!
82
00:02:36,727 --> 00:02:39,360
Aah. Aah.
83
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,332
All right, that's okay.
Let's--we're gonna try it again.
84
00:02:41,332 --> 00:02:42,333
Aah.
85
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:43,834
This... You okay?
86
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:45,666
Mm.
This time, we're gonna be
A little more gentle.
87
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,568
Aah.
All right. You ready?
88
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:54,505
(squealing)
89
00:02:54,505 --> 00:02:56,247
This--this...
(whimpering)
90
00:02:56,247 --> 00:02:59,750
This is--this is
Too gentle.
This isn't anything.
91
00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:00,911
A little more speed.
92
00:03:00,911 --> 00:03:02,353
There you go. That's it.
(squealing)
93
00:03:02,353 --> 00:03:03,754
Oh!
94
00:03:03,754 --> 00:03:05,956
Why did you--why did...
Why'd you stop?
95
00:03:05,956 --> 00:03:08,219
(high-pitched voice)
'cause... I'm gonna hit it.
96
00:03:08,219 --> 00:03:11,292
Hit--hit what?
The car!
97
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:15,226
What--what car?
The car!
98
00:03:15,226 --> 00:03:17,268
It's, like, 100 yards away.
You're not gonna hit that car.
99
00:03:17,268 --> 00:03:19,630
I am!
I'm gonna hit the car.
100
00:03:19,630 --> 00:03:21,302
(whimpering)
101
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,303
(tires screech)
102
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:23,734
(whimpers)
103
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:25,276
I hate this!
104
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,979
Oh, hello, debbie weaver.
105
00:03:28,979 --> 00:03:30,611
We just finished
Our lesson with marty.
106
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:31,782
Hey, how was it?
107
00:03:31,782 --> 00:03:33,614
Wonderful.
Don't want to
Talk about it!
108
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,246
Oh... (stammers)
You'll get the hang of it.
109
00:03:35,246 --> 00:03:37,888
Don't be upset.
It was only a squirrel.
110
00:03:37,888 --> 00:03:40,451
Actually, it was a dog.
How are you?
111
00:03:40,451 --> 00:03:43,454
Okay, yeah.
Back doing the daily schlep.
112
00:03:43,454 --> 00:03:44,955
Although I'm changing
Things up a bit--
113
00:03:44,955 --> 00:03:48,759
Piano first, karate last.
Also the name of my memoir.
114
00:03:48,759 --> 00:03:52,263
"Piano first, karate last:
The debbie weaver story."
115
00:03:52,263 --> 00:03:54,605
(laughs)
116
00:03:54,605 --> 00:03:56,807
So what are you up to?
117
00:03:56,807 --> 00:03:58,569
Oh, I'll be here with dick.
118
00:03:58,569 --> 00:04:00,471
He doesn't have
Any after-school activities,
119
00:04:00,471 --> 00:04:03,344
So we just make the most of
Our lazy afternoons together.
120
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,576
Oh. Jackie,
Can I ask you something?
121
00:04:05,576 --> 00:04:08,879
What do you do every day,
All afternoon with dick butkus?
122
00:04:08,879 --> 00:04:11,382
Oh, well, dick's
Always had an old soul--
123
00:04:11,382 --> 00:04:12,453
An old female soul.
124
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:14,355
He's a perfect
Afternoon companion.
125
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,256
He's a woman's best friend.
126
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,257
It's true.
127
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,390
I'm the laverne
To her shirley,
128
00:04:19,390 --> 00:04:21,962
The gilmore girl
To her other gilmore girl.
129
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,434
Speaking of which?
130
00:04:23,434 --> 00:04:25,796
Season six is locked and loaded.
Subtitles are on.
131
00:04:25,796 --> 00:04:28,299
Oh. They speak so fast,
Those gilmore girls.
132
00:04:28,299 --> 00:04:30,371
We can't understand
A word they're saying.
133
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:33,444
But they sure are charming.
Coming!
134
00:04:34,805 --> 00:04:36,547
Welcome to driver's ed.
135
00:04:36,547 --> 00:04:39,850
I love cars so much
That my nickname is ms. Porsche.
136
00:04:39,850 --> 00:04:41,452
That's porsche, like the car,
137
00:04:41,452 --> 00:04:43,354
Not portia, like the lesbian.
138
00:04:43,354 --> 00:04:46,286
But let's be clear--
I am a lesbian,
139
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,460
But my name
Is spelled like the car.
140
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:52,022
She's so cool.
She smells like leather.
141
00:04:52,022 --> 00:04:53,364
How does that
Make her cool?
142
00:04:53,364 --> 00:04:55,366
Okay. Big trouble,
You're up first.
143
00:04:55,366 --> 00:04:56,867
Little china, you're observing.
144
00:04:56,867 --> 00:04:58,469
(exhales)
145
00:04:58,469 --> 00:05:00,971
Key in ignition.
Foot on brake.
146
00:05:00,971 --> 00:05:04,304
Shift into drive.
Foot on gas.
147
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:08,308
Key, brake, drive, gas--
"K-b-d-g."
148
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,681
You can remember by
"Kapow-bam-drive-go."
149
00:05:10,681 --> 00:05:13,384
Wait. What?
Kapow, bam, drive, go!
150
00:05:13,384 --> 00:05:14,585
Start her up.
How?
151
00:05:14,585 --> 00:05:17,448
I just told you.
Kapow, bam, drive, go!
152
00:05:17,448 --> 00:05:18,889
(starts engine)
Okay. Okay. Sorry.
153
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,792
(tires screech)
154
00:05:21,792 --> 00:05:24,324
(exhales) you were in reverse,
Not drive.
155
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,557
I said
"Kapow, bam, drive, go,"
156
00:05:26,557 --> 00:05:29,400
Not "Kapow, bam, rev, go."
What?
157
00:05:30,701 --> 00:05:33,934
You are no danica patrick,
Let me tell you, and I know.
158
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:37,337
We met at
The "Talladega nights" premiere.
159
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,910
Nothing happened.
160
00:05:41,572 --> 00:05:43,013
Something happened.
161
00:05:43,013 --> 00:05:45,376
Really?
162
00:05:45,376 --> 00:05:48,719
Yes.
163
00:05:48,719 --> 00:05:49,880
(door closes)
Ooh.
164
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:51,682
Amber, I cannot wait for you
To get your license
165
00:05:51,682 --> 00:05:53,824
So you can help me out
With all this stuff.
166
00:05:53,824 --> 00:05:55,726
Yep. Any day now.
167
00:05:55,726 --> 00:05:58,759
God, I can't believe
My baby girl is driving.
168
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:01,892
Do you remember when I taught
You how to ride a bike? Huh?
169
00:06:01,892 --> 00:06:03,834
You were so little,
And you were so scared.
170
00:06:03,834 --> 00:06:04,965
She was so scared.
171
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,697
And I balanced her
On the bike.
172
00:06:06,697 --> 00:06:08,839
And then I let her go, but she
Didn't know I let her go.
173
00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:11,602
And then I started to cry.
174
00:06:11,602 --> 00:06:14,104
Oh, baby, please, let me
Teach you how to--
Dad!
175
00:06:14,104 --> 00:06:16,807
I do not need your help.
Nobody needs your help.
176
00:06:16,807 --> 00:06:19,079
(reggie) w-wait. Amber, am I
Supposed to follow you?
177
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,380
Amber?
178
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:26,617
Well, marty,
Debbie weaver,
179
00:06:26,617 --> 00:06:29,490
We... Are having
Some wonderful weather--
180
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:30,491
(amber) reggie.
181
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,562
Oh, thank god.
182
00:06:31,562 --> 00:06:33,063
(the high toppers' "Miracle day"
Playing)
183
00:06:33,063 --> 00:06:35,896
Wait. You've really never
Done this before?
184
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,668
You're very good.
185
00:06:37,668 --> 00:06:39,430
(squealing)
186
00:06:39,430 --> 00:06:41,972
(tires skidding)
Will you stop screaming?
187
00:06:41,972 --> 00:06:43,774
(ms. Porsche)
What--what are you doing?
188
00:06:43,774 --> 00:06:45,676
Did I say "Go forward"?
Sorry.
189
00:06:45,676 --> 00:06:47,878
♪ sad eyes ♪
190
00:06:47,878 --> 00:06:49,580
No, no, no, no!
191
00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:50,841
Are you kidding me?
192
00:06:50,841 --> 00:06:52,583
(clang)
193
00:06:52,583 --> 00:06:54,515
I've never in my life.
194
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,487
♪ I'm where I belong ♪
195
00:06:56,487 --> 00:07:02,152
Wonderful. Wonder--
Oh. Ah. (gasps)
196
00:07:02,152 --> 00:07:05,425
Marvelous. Marvelous!
197
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,557
I quit!
198
00:07:06,557 --> 00:07:07,728
You're failing.
199
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:10,100
You passed.
Aah!
200
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:11,562
(cheering)
(laughs)
201
00:07:11,562 --> 00:07:12,703
Whoo!
♪ just a miracle day ♪
202
00:07:12,703 --> 00:07:15,766
I have a driver's license.
I can't believe it!
203
00:07:15,766 --> 00:07:17,738
I feel so independent.
204
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,610
I could drive all over town
All by myself.
205
00:07:19,610 --> 00:07:22,112
You can, can't you?
Yes.
206
00:07:22,112 --> 00:07:24,845
I just wish my husband would
Give driving another chance.
207
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,547
I'm sure he'll come around.
208
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:28,549
You know, he's gotten much
Better at not overreacting.
209
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:29,920
(larry, amplified voice)
When I say "Down with,"
210
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:31,622
You say "Cars"!
211
00:07:31,622 --> 00:07:32,783
Down with...
(zabvronians) cars!
212
00:07:32,783 --> 00:07:34,855
Down with...
Cars!
213
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,487
Bad news, drivers.
214
00:07:36,487 --> 00:07:38,228
Banning cars
From this neighborhood
215
00:07:38,228 --> 00:07:41,932
Has just become the giant
Political cause of my life.
216
00:07:41,932 --> 00:07:44,094
That and fracking.
217
00:07:44,094 --> 00:07:45,165
Hey hey!
218
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,637
(zabvronians join in) ho ho!
219
00:07:46,637 --> 00:07:47,968
Your filthy cars
Have got to go!
220
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,200
Hey hey! Ho ho!
221
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,242
Your filthy cars
Have got to go!
222
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,649
(chanting) you're fast!
We're furious!
223
00:07:58,649 --> 00:08:00,480
You're fast! We're furious!
You're fast! We're furious!
224
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,553
You're fast! We're furious!
225
00:08:02,553 --> 00:08:06,757
I refuse to give up driving.
I love it.
226
00:08:06,757 --> 00:08:10,060
The wind in my hair,
My tune blasting...
227
00:08:10,060 --> 00:08:11,221
Tune?
Mm.
228
00:08:11,221 --> 00:08:12,523
I really only care
229
00:08:12,523 --> 00:08:14,124
For third eye blind,
"Semi-charmed life."
230
00:08:14,124 --> 00:08:15,996
It's really
The only perfect thing
231
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,528
To come out of this planet.
232
00:08:17,528 --> 00:08:19,870
That and "Free willy."
233
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:26,506
Jackie, since you're so excited
About your newfound freedom...
234
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,038
Never mind.
235
00:08:28,038 --> 00:08:29,039
Never mind what?
236
00:08:29,039 --> 00:08:31,181
No. No.
I'd miss it too much.
237
00:08:31,181 --> 00:08:32,943
You'd miss what too much?
238
00:08:32,943 --> 00:08:34,585
Well, I was going to say
239
00:08:34,585 --> 00:08:37,117
That maybe I would let you
Drive abby to gymnastics
240
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,790
And after that,
Drive max to karate,
241
00:08:39,790 --> 00:08:42,853
And then pick them both up
And take max to his play date,
242
00:08:42,853 --> 00:08:44,755
And then take abby
To her piano lesson,
243
00:08:44,755 --> 00:08:46,557
And then pick up max
244
00:08:46,557 --> 00:08:48,198
And go get one of
Those rotisserie chickens
245
00:08:48,198 --> 00:08:49,199
That they have
On special this week,
246
00:08:49,199 --> 00:08:51,161
The herbed lemon,
Not the barbecue,
247
00:08:51,161 --> 00:08:53,233
And then pick up abby
From piano,
248
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,035
Take them both home
With the chicken--
249
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,207
Herbed, not barbecue.
250
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,872
Wait. So I'd...
Be lucky to do this?
251
00:09:01,872 --> 00:09:03,644
So lucky.
So lucky?
252
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:07,578
Jackie, it's like
Hitting the driving jackpot.
253
00:09:07,578 --> 00:09:10,781
You'd get to go through town,
Like, nine times
254
00:09:10,781 --> 00:09:12,723
During rush hour,
255
00:09:12,723 --> 00:09:16,627
Which is, like, the most popular
Time of the day to drive.
256
00:09:16,627 --> 00:09:18,589
Really, deb? Really?
Marty.
257
00:09:18,589 --> 00:09:21,992
Ooh. I could listen
To "Semi-charmed life"
258
00:09:21,992 --> 00:09:24,665
50 0r 60 times.
Pfft. More.
259
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,336
Oh! Oh, please,
Let me do it?
260
00:09:26,336 --> 00:09:27,567
Just this once?
261
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,569
Oh, I'd miss it
Too much.
262
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,570
Please?
No...
263
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,571
Oh, please?
I don't think...
264
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,572
Oh, please?
Mm...
265
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,303
Please?
266
00:09:33,303 --> 00:09:34,775
Please, please, please,
Please, please?
267
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,306
Okay.
Oh!
268
00:09:36,306 --> 00:09:37,307
But you owe me big-time.
Mm-hmm.
269
00:09:37,307 --> 00:09:40,310
Big-time.
Mm-hmm.
270
00:09:40,310 --> 00:09:41,581
(door closes)
271
00:09:44,114 --> 00:09:45,786
Are you disappointed
In me?
272
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,889
No, I am incredibly turned on.
Is that weird?
273
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,260
Yeah. But I get it.
274
00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:51,591
Ooh.
275
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,592
(keyboard clicking)
276
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:56,126
Excuse me.
Uh, ms. Porsche?
277
00:09:56,126 --> 00:09:59,900
As you know, I've been having
Some trouble with my driving.
278
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,233
I don't know who you are.
279
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:05,335
I'm amber weaver.
I'm in your driver's ed class.
280
00:10:05,335 --> 00:10:09,179
I'm ms. Porsche.
Porsche, like the car.
281
00:10:09,179 --> 00:10:11,081
Not like the les--
We've done this.
282
00:10:11,081 --> 00:10:13,914
But I am a lesbian.
That's a great catchphrase.
283
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:16,386
Um, but seriously,
I was wondering
284
00:10:16,386 --> 00:10:19,690
If maybe you could slow down
When you explain things
285
00:10:19,690 --> 00:10:21,792
So I could learn to drive?
286
00:10:21,792 --> 00:10:24,624
Did we try
"Kapow, bam, drive, go"?
287
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,697
We did.
It did not work.
288
00:10:26,697 --> 00:10:28,899
Hmm. Okay.
289
00:10:28,899 --> 00:10:32,632
Maybe we should try,
"Kazam, boom, drive, go."
290
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,134
I'd like my money back.
291
00:10:35,666 --> 00:10:36,737
(thinking) this is weird.
292
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,839
Why do I feel weird?
293
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,371
Because I don't have to
Pick up the kids.
294
00:10:41,371 --> 00:10:45,075
This is what
Being relaxed feels like.
295
00:10:45,075 --> 00:10:48,218
I could have a margarita.
(knock on door)
296
00:10:48,218 --> 00:10:51,321
Uh, hold on a second.
297
00:10:51,321 --> 00:10:53,323
Or come right in.
298
00:10:53,323 --> 00:10:54,324
(door closes)
Greetings, debbie weaver.
299
00:10:54,324 --> 00:10:55,325
My mother is m.I.A.,
300
00:10:55,325 --> 00:10:56,326
The weaver children occupied,
301
00:10:56,326 --> 00:10:58,689
And I, dick butkus,
Am the cheese.
302
00:10:58,689 --> 00:10:59,690
You're the what?
303
00:10:59,690 --> 00:11:01,431
♪ heigh-ho the derry-o ♪
304
00:11:01,431 --> 00:11:03,093
♪ the cheese stands alone ♪
305
00:11:03,093 --> 00:11:05,065
(thinking) say something
Or he's gonna sing more.
306
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,097
No, I won't.
Oh, my god, can he--
307
00:11:07,097 --> 00:11:09,169
Read your mind?
Only when your hair is up.
308
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:13,804
All right, the cheese
Is leaving... Alone.
309
00:11:13,804 --> 00:11:15,746
Dick, wait.
310
00:11:15,746 --> 00:11:17,848
I, uh...
311
00:11:17,848 --> 00:11:20,881
I guess we could spend
A lazy afternoon together.
312
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:24,084
I was about to watch a bunch
Of "Revenge" I have dvr'd.
313
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,757
Ooh. I love that show.
314
00:11:26,757 --> 00:11:29,419
There's so much...
Revenge in it.
315
00:11:29,419 --> 00:11:31,822
Let's get 'er goin'!
316
00:11:31,822 --> 00:11:36,426
(amplified voice)
♪ kumbaya, my lord ♪
317
00:11:36,426 --> 00:11:38,799
♪ god hates cars ♪
318
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,801
All right, larry,
Enough, okay?
319
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,973
Everyone knows
That this is just a front
320
00:11:42,973 --> 00:11:44,404
Because you're bad
At driving.
321
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,006
How dare you say that?
322
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:47,307
In front of these people,
Who are prepared to die
323
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,309
In order to protect
The environment?
324
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,742
(man) I don't want to die.
(woman) I'm too young to die.
325
00:11:51,742 --> 00:11:52,983
Sorry, boss. I'm out.
326
00:11:52,983 --> 00:11:54,484
(man) maybe I'll protest
More tomorrow.
327
00:11:54,484 --> 00:11:56,716
(larry) where are you all going?
328
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,889
Come back here, you traitors!
329
00:11:58,889 --> 00:12:00,490
(horn honks)
330
00:12:00,490 --> 00:12:02,753
(amplified voice)
What do we hate?
331
00:12:02,753 --> 00:12:04,354
Cars.
332
00:12:04,354 --> 00:12:05,455
Why do we hate them?
333
00:12:05,455 --> 00:12:07,027
(normal voice)
Because they're stupid
334
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:09,760
And impossible to drive,
And everyone...
335
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,903
Does it better than me.
336
00:12:12,903 --> 00:12:16,736
Oh. I'm such a loser.
337
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,910
Are you absolutely sure
The baby's yours?
338
00:12:19,910 --> 00:12:23,073
Why doesn't emily just
Tell jack who she really is?
339
00:12:23,073 --> 00:12:24,444
They're meant
To be together.
340
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:28,178
Amen, dick.
341
00:12:28,178 --> 00:12:29,519
This is great.
342
00:12:29,519 --> 00:12:31,822
I never have anyone to watch
Nighttime soaps with.
343
00:12:31,822 --> 00:12:34,024
I'm your man, lady friend.
344
00:12:34,024 --> 00:12:35,255
(clink)
345
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:39,029
Ahh. I needed this.
346
00:12:39,029 --> 00:12:42,062
(whirs)
347
00:12:46,296 --> 00:12:47,297
What's wrong?
348
00:12:47,297 --> 00:12:48,768
I'm panicking. You?
349
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:49,940
I'm sulking.
350
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:52,372
I'm a terrible driver.
351
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:53,543
I am, too.
352
00:12:55,305 --> 00:12:58,178
Don't tell anyone, but that's
What my protest was all about.
353
00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,280
Yeah, everyone knows.
Really?
354
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,252
Don't think anyone
Had any lingering doubts
355
00:13:02,252 --> 00:13:04,154
That maybe it was partially
About the environment?
356
00:13:04,154 --> 00:13:06,857
No. You're very transparent.
357
00:13:08,058 --> 00:13:11,521
All the other kids in my class
Are doing better than me.
358
00:13:11,521 --> 00:13:16,326
Jackie's
A regular danica mckellar.
359
00:13:16,326 --> 00:13:17,968
You mean danica patrick.
360
00:13:17,968 --> 00:13:19,830
Danica mckellar
Played winnie cooper
361
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:21,171
On "The wonder years."
362
00:13:21,171 --> 00:13:22,873
Oh, I know that.
363
00:13:22,873 --> 00:13:26,236
She strikes me as the sort of
Woman who'd be good at anything.
364
00:13:26,236 --> 00:13:29,880
Say, why don't you and I
Practice driving together,
365
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:31,241
Just the two of us?
No pressure.
366
00:13:31,241 --> 00:13:32,412
I'm listening.
367
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,284
Meet me at 2:00 a.M. Outside.
368
00:13:34,284 --> 00:13:36,546
We'll take the minivan
And go for a spin.
369
00:13:36,546 --> 00:13:37,848
Deal?
Deal.
370
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:46,526
Amber, would you describe us
As two unlikely best friends?
371
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:50,500
No. We're more like
Two neighbors who can't drive.
372
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:52,402
Yes. That's how
I'd describe us, too.
373
00:13:52,402 --> 00:13:54,834
I'm just making sure
We're on the same page.
374
00:14:00,010 --> 00:14:03,113
Okay, so the "V" is on
A triple letter score,
375
00:14:03,113 --> 00:14:06,346
Which is 26 points.
376
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,018
You're delightful.
377
00:14:08,018 --> 00:14:09,179
Mm.
(door opens)
378
00:14:09,179 --> 00:14:10,981
(max) you're mean!
You are!
379
00:14:10,981 --> 00:14:12,883
I hated every second
Of that!
380
00:14:12,883 --> 00:14:13,954
Mm.
381
00:14:15,025 --> 00:14:16,156
(thud)
382
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,088
Everything okay?
383
00:14:18,088 --> 00:14:20,860
You tricked me, debbie weaver.
I sat in traffic for hours
384
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,064
While max
"Practiced his farting."
385
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,296
And abby walked me through
The entire first season
386
00:14:26,296 --> 00:14:28,168
Of "Spongebob squarepants."
387
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,970
The second season
Is when it really--
388
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,943
I listened to
"Semi-charmed life" 74 times.
389
00:14:32,943 --> 00:14:34,444
I'm completely burnt out.
390
00:14:34,444 --> 00:14:37,207
Which means that I now have
Zero songs that I like.
391
00:14:37,207 --> 00:14:39,910
I'm sorry--
Zet! (clicks teeth)
392
00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:40,911
Dick, let's go.
393
00:14:40,911 --> 00:14:42,212
But, mother,
After this game,
394
00:14:42,212 --> 00:14:43,984
We were gonna
Set up the elliptical machine
395
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,957
Debbie bought six months ago.
(gasps loudly)
396
00:14:46,957 --> 00:14:48,959
You've been taking advantage
397
00:14:48,959 --> 00:14:51,561
Of my son's excellent
Female companionship.
398
00:14:51,561 --> 00:14:53,263
Only I can do that.
399
00:14:53,263 --> 00:14:55,325
Enjoy your bad children.
400
00:14:55,325 --> 00:14:57,567
And your chicken. Um...
Ahem.
401
00:14:57,567 --> 00:14:59,930
They were out of the herbed,
But I got that last rosemary.
402
00:14:59,930 --> 00:15:00,900
Hope that's okay.
403
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,073
It is. Thank you.
404
00:15:03,073 --> 00:15:05,005
Oh, good. I was worried.
405
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,436
Good night! Come on.
406
00:15:06,436 --> 00:15:08,939
Fine.
407
00:15:08,939 --> 00:15:12,642
Bye, dick.
408
00:15:14,344 --> 00:15:16,987
(amber) okay. Now easy.
Easy. You're doing great.
(larry) mm-hmm.
409
00:15:16,987 --> 00:15:18,989
I am. I'm doing it.
410
00:15:18,989 --> 00:15:21,051
Yeah. Okay, now just
Hit the brake pedal.
411
00:15:21,051 --> 00:15:23,593
What's a pedal? I forget
English when I'm stressed!
412
00:15:23,593 --> 00:15:24,594
Pedal!
(thuds)
413
00:15:24,594 --> 00:15:25,996
(crickets chirping)
414
00:15:25,996 --> 00:15:28,928
It's okay. We're okay.
415
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:29,929
It's not that bad.
416
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,532
Oh!
(electricity crackles)
417
00:15:39,269 --> 00:15:42,412
Amber, how could you
Crash the car?
418
00:15:42,412 --> 00:15:43,974
I didn't. Larry, tell them.
419
00:15:43,974 --> 00:15:47,317
Uh, yeah. It was amber.
I begged her to stop--
Larry.
420
00:15:48,518 --> 00:15:50,080
Fine.
421
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,352
It was me.
I crashed the car.
422
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:55,555
I was practicing driving, okay?
Are you happy now?
423
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:58,388
Okay, so you admit
You weren't protesting cars
424
00:15:58,388 --> 00:16:00,090
To save the environment?
425
00:16:00,090 --> 00:16:03,994
I'm sorry, marty.
I will pay for the damage,
426
00:16:03,994 --> 00:16:05,635
As money is no object to me.
427
00:16:05,635 --> 00:16:07,267
Well, thank you.
For the first part.
428
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:09,269
The second part
Was an unnecessary
429
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,970
And infuriating detail.
430
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,443
And if the offer
Still stands,
431
00:16:13,443 --> 00:16:15,605
I'd very much appreciate
Your help
432
00:16:15,605 --> 00:16:18,578
In teaching me
How to drive.
433
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:21,651
Well, I guess
I could do that.
434
00:16:21,651 --> 00:16:24,384
And since I've come clean,
435
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:27,117
Is there anyone else here,
436
00:16:27,117 --> 00:16:30,620
Inspired by my display
Of commendable honesty,
437
00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:33,063
Who'd like to make
A confession of her own?
438
00:16:33,063 --> 00:16:34,294
Nope.
Everyone else is good.
439
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,765
Great. Let's all go back
To bed.
440
00:16:35,765 --> 00:16:39,299
Good night, jackie.
441
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:44,774
(engine starts)
Why don't you
Just tell them the truth?
442
00:16:44,774 --> 00:16:46,306
That you're having trouble
In driver's ed
443
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:47,377
And you need their help?
444
00:16:47,377 --> 00:16:49,109
Because I'm not
4 years old.
445
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,041
I'm not gonna run
To my daddy for help.
446
00:16:51,041 --> 00:16:53,343
Amber, when I first
Started school,
447
00:16:53,343 --> 00:16:55,385
I had to ask you for help
A thousand times a day.
448
00:16:55,385 --> 00:17:00,420
With my fashion, my slang.
With my cool guy walk.
449
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,491
The walk still needs work.
450
00:17:01,491 --> 00:17:03,393
I don't think so.
451
00:17:03,393 --> 00:17:04,624
Maybe you thought it was lame
452
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,596
That I needed
So much of your help, but...
453
00:17:06,596 --> 00:17:10,430
I just... Felt lucky
To have you.
454
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:13,403
It's not a crutch to have people
Want to help you, amber.
455
00:17:13,403 --> 00:17:15,605
It's a gift.
456
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,039
Thank you, reggie.
457
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:24,074
Okay. Well, good night.
458
00:17:24,074 --> 00:17:29,119
(barcelona) ♪ today I realized
As I went walking ♪
459
00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:30,780
♪ hurried past the dark ♪
460
00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:31,781
(knock on door)
461
00:17:31,781 --> 00:17:36,656
♪ far away from where I live ♪
462
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,428
Jackie, I know it's late.
463
00:17:38,428 --> 00:17:40,660
Are you here to convince me that
Washing your family's dishes
464
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:43,263
Would be like
A splashy ocean adventure?
465
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:48,238
Oh, jackie, I'm so sorry.
466
00:17:48,238 --> 00:17:51,601
It's just that I got so jealous
Of your lazy afternoons
467
00:17:51,601 --> 00:17:54,644
That I tricked you
Into driving around my kids.
468
00:17:55,705 --> 00:17:57,076
(exhales)
469
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,779
Everybody needs help sometimes,
Debbie weaver.
470
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:01,711
Now that I have a license,
471
00:18:01,711 --> 00:18:03,553
If you need me
To pick up your kids
472
00:18:03,553 --> 00:18:06,216
Once in a while, just ask.
473
00:18:06,216 --> 00:18:07,557
That's what neighbors do.
474
00:18:07,557 --> 00:18:09,489
Oh, jackie, I have to
Be honest with you.
475
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,391
That's not what
Neighbors do.
476
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:14,464
They go through your mail.
They steal your wi-fi.
477
00:18:14,464 --> 00:18:16,366
Well, you've got
Good neighbors now.
478
00:18:16,366 --> 00:18:18,398
Yes, we do,
And speaking of that,
479
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,170
If you need someone
To watch dick
480
00:18:20,170 --> 00:18:21,431
Or hang out--
Don't push it.
481
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,105
Sorry.
482
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,107
He really gets me.
Mm.
483
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,679
He's a woman's best friend.
484
00:18:29,679 --> 00:18:31,741
Mm.
485
00:18:31,741 --> 00:18:34,244
(switch clicks)
486
00:18:34,244 --> 00:18:36,716
Well, luckily,
It's just the bumper,
487
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,518
So it shouldn't
Be too expensive.
488
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,550
I need you to teach me
How to drive.
489
00:18:40,550 --> 00:18:41,551
What?
490
00:18:41,551 --> 00:18:42,852
I'm failing driver's ed.
491
00:18:42,852 --> 00:18:44,694
My teacher
Is a total psycho.
492
00:18:44,694 --> 00:18:47,727
I can't drive,
Like, at all.
493
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,200
Aw, baby, why didn't
You tell me?
494
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,201
Because of that.
495
00:18:51,201 --> 00:18:53,303
Because of "Baby!"
496
00:18:53,303 --> 00:18:55,665
You know, every time I do
Something that teenagers do,
497
00:18:55,665 --> 00:18:58,468
Like get a boyfriend
Or learn how to drive,
498
00:18:58,468 --> 00:18:59,569
You freak out.
Amber--
499
00:18:59,569 --> 00:19:02,542
Listen. I'm not
A little girl anymore.
500
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,244
I am getting my license.
501
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,845
So I need you to help me,
502
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:08,278
And I need you to
Treat me like an adult,
503
00:19:08,278 --> 00:19:10,750
And I need you
To start tomorrow. Okay?
504
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,623
Yeah, okay.
505
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,658
You know,
We were 25 years old
506
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,460
When we found out
We were having you?
507
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,932
We had just decided
That getting a cat
508
00:19:22,932 --> 00:19:24,594
Was too much responsibility,
509
00:19:24,594 --> 00:19:26,836
And we found out
We were getting a baby.
510
00:19:26,836 --> 00:19:28,238
I was an accident?
511
00:19:28,238 --> 00:19:29,299
Oh, do that math.
512
00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:31,201
You're eight years
Older than max.
513
00:19:31,201 --> 00:19:32,502
Let's just say
That your mother and I
514
00:19:32,502 --> 00:19:34,544
Should not drink
Long island iced teas.
515
00:19:36,346 --> 00:19:39,349
You know, because it makes her
A little...
516
00:19:39,349 --> 00:19:40,350
Amorous...
Got it.
517
00:19:40,350 --> 00:19:41,351
Thank you.
518
00:19:41,351 --> 00:19:43,182
Look,
I was 25 years old,
519
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,555
And my entire life
Was turned upside-down,
520
00:19:45,555 --> 00:19:48,418
And it was the best thing
That ever happened to me.
521
00:19:48,418 --> 00:19:50,660
Look, I know
You're getting older.
522
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,322
Rationally, I know that.
523
00:19:52,322 --> 00:19:54,564
But here's the thing--
524
00:19:54,564 --> 00:19:58,298
You are the baby that changed
My entire life, amber.
525
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:02,872
So if I get, you know,
Too "Baby" with you,
526
00:20:02,872 --> 00:20:05,235
Well, now, at least you know
Where that comes from.
527
00:20:05,235 --> 00:20:06,476
All right?
528
00:20:06,476 --> 00:20:08,578
♪ today I realized
As I went walking ♪
529
00:20:08,578 --> 00:20:09,579
Go ahead.
530
00:20:09,579 --> 00:20:10,880
Oh, can I, please?
Yeah.
531
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,912
Thank you.
♪ hurried past the dark ♪
532
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,944
That's enough.
Okay.
533
00:20:14,944 --> 00:20:16,716
Okay.
♪ far away from where I live ♪
534
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,418
Go to bed. We're getting up
Bright and early.
535
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:22,522
7:00 a.M. Driving lessons.
No excuses.
536
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:23,523
Dad.
537
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,255
What?
538
00:20:25,255 --> 00:20:29,429
I'm really happy you and mom
Got wasted that night.
539
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,631
Yeah, me, too.
540
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,363
You've lasted
Much longer than a cat.
541
00:20:41,471 --> 00:20:43,573
Max!
542
00:20:43,573 --> 00:20:45,675
(third eye blind)
♪ I want something else ♪
♪ I want something else ♪
543
00:20:45,675 --> 00:20:49,779
♪ to get me through this ♪
♪ to get me through this ♪
544
00:20:49,779 --> 00:20:50,920
♪ life, baby ♪
♪ life ♪
545
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,622
Abby!
546
00:20:52,622 --> 00:20:55,555
♪ I want something else ♪
♪ I want something else ♪
547
00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:58,858
♪ not listening when you say ♪
♪ not listening when you say ♪
548
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,930
Dick!
549
00:21:00,930 --> 00:21:03,363
♪ good-bye ♪
♪ hello ♪
550
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,664
Dick.
551
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,766
♪ good-bye ♪
♪ good-bye ♪
552
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,939
Dick, come on.
Come on. Come on.
553
00:21:09,939 --> 00:21:13,042
♪ good-bye ♪
♪ good-bye-ay-ay ♪
554
00:21:13,042 --> 00:21:14,974
Okay. It's okay. Everybody.
555
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:17,907
♪ do do do do do-do do ♪
♪ do do do do do-do do ♪
556
00:21:17,907 --> 00:21:20,350
♪ do do do do do-do do ♪
♪ do do do do do-do do ♪
557
00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:23,783
♪ do do do do do-do do ♪
Oh, I could never burn out
On you, "Semi-charmed life."
39914
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