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1
00:00:06,037 --> 00:00:07,638
(whirs)
2
00:00:07,638 --> 00:00:10,181
It's nice to see you.
3
00:00:10,181 --> 00:00:12,383
Say hello to my... Drill.
4
00:00:12,383 --> 00:00:13,744
(whirs)
5
00:00:13,744 --> 00:00:16,417
Mmm. Nice drill, baby.
Yeah.
6
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,150
It's gonna be even sexier
When you put a bit on it.
7
00:00:19,150 --> 00:00:21,122
Whoa. Yeah, the bits.
No, I knew that.
8
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,054
You know, I must have left them
Under the sink
9
00:00:23,054 --> 00:00:24,495
The last time I fixed
The faucet for you.
10
00:00:24,495 --> 00:00:25,496
Mm-hmm.
11
00:00:25,496 --> 00:00:26,497
Yeah.
12
00:00:26,497 --> 00:00:28,028
Anyway, what you up to?
13
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,061
Well, max just entered
The pinewood derby--
14
00:00:30,061 --> 00:00:31,132
You know, where they build
15
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,533
And they race
The little wood cars?
16
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,235
Right.
So he and I
17
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:36,467
Are gonna spend the day
Building his car.
18
00:00:36,467 --> 00:00:39,170
Then at sunset, we're gonna
Take it for a test drive.
19
00:00:39,170 --> 00:00:41,072
Then we'll get
Root beer floats,
20
00:00:41,072 --> 00:00:43,174
We're gonna talk
About life...
21
00:00:43,174 --> 00:00:45,116
While van morrison
Plays on the jukebox.
22
00:00:45,116 --> 00:00:47,047
Honey, you've been chasing
That laxative commercial
23
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,819
For eight years now.
24
00:00:48,819 --> 00:00:50,151
It really moved me.
25
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,152
(laughs)
(laughs)
26
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,223
You see how I...
27
00:00:52,223 --> 00:00:53,224
I like that.
Laxative.
28
00:00:53,224 --> 00:00:57,228
Honey, did max ask
For your help?
29
00:00:57,228 --> 00:00:59,430
Okay, okay,
We're almost done here, kid.
30
00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:00,761
Don't get sloppy.
31
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:03,294
Grandpa, how are you
So good at this stuff?
32
00:01:03,294 --> 00:01:06,497
Oh, I come from a time
When men were men.
33
00:01:06,497 --> 00:01:08,599
Max. W-what are you doing?
34
00:01:08,599 --> 00:01:10,471
I though that I would
Help you build your car.
35
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,103
(laughs)
(laughs)
36
00:01:12,103 --> 00:01:14,175
With those sausage fingers?
37
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,677
(laughs)
You should see him
Try to text.
38
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,749
The only thing he could build
Is a sandwich. (laughing)
39
00:01:18,749 --> 00:01:21,112
(laughs)
40
00:01:21,112 --> 00:01:23,354
No. No. Not funny, guys.
(laughter)
41
00:01:23,354 --> 00:01:24,585
Oh, you know what?
This is great.
42
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:25,756
Thank you, everyone.
43
00:01:25,756 --> 00:01:27,688
Oh, come on, son.
44
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,790
I bet even your boyfriend
President osama
45
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,422
Is handier than you are,
46
00:01:31,422 --> 00:01:33,824
And he went to harvard...
Supposedly.
47
00:01:33,824 --> 00:01:36,096
Dad, you have to stop
Reading those e-mails.
48
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:40,631
Oh, uh, deb, speaking of which,
Did my advice about your faucet
49
00:01:40,631 --> 00:01:44,235
Help you
To fix numbskull's mess?
50
00:01:44,235 --> 00:01:46,377
Uh-huh.
It's working fine.
51
00:01:46,377 --> 00:01:48,139
Numbnuts.
52
00:01:48,139 --> 00:01:51,712
(dominick and max laugh)
53
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:54,114
All right, numbnuts,
Now it's your turn.
54
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,387
First, you gotta
Bait the hook.
55
00:01:56,387 --> 00:01:58,189
Careful not to
Stab your finger.
56
00:01:58,189 --> 00:02:00,551
Just like that.
57
00:02:00,551 --> 00:02:01,552
Thanks, dad!
(door opens and closes)
58
00:02:01,552 --> 00:02:03,294
Stop yellin'.
Ow.
59
00:02:03,294 --> 00:02:04,395
Pick that up.
60
00:02:04,395 --> 00:02:06,397
Whenever I picture
My dad growing up,
61
00:02:06,397 --> 00:02:09,630
He's this man's man,
You know?
62
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,433
In a plaid jacket
With a dead fish in one hand
63
00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,765
And his fishing pole
In the other. Grr.
64
00:02:14,765 --> 00:02:16,907
Stay here with the girls
And gut the fish.
65
00:02:16,907 --> 00:02:19,740
Hmm.
We turned to my dad
For everything.
66
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,141
This family turns to me
For nothing.
67
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,142
Wha--
68
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,674
Last time I tried
To send abby to her room,
69
00:02:23,674 --> 00:02:26,217
She giggled
And poked my belly.
70
00:02:26,217 --> 00:02:27,818
(baby voice)
Because it's so adorable.
(giggles)
71
00:02:27,818 --> 00:02:28,819
Stop, stop.
72
00:02:28,819 --> 00:02:30,721
I don't want
To be adorable.
73
00:02:30,721 --> 00:02:33,153
You know, I wanna be the dad
Whose kids lean on them.
74
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,755
You know, this way
When they get older,
75
00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:37,188
They can look at shelves
Filled with videos
76
00:02:37,188 --> 00:02:40,591
Of their dad
Being a manly man, you know?
77
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,294
We're going camping.
78
00:02:43,294 --> 00:02:45,266
Camping? Babe,
We don't camp.
79
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,637
We're gonna go camping.
80
00:02:46,637 --> 00:02:49,300
I'm gonna set up shelter,
I'm gonna forage for food,
81
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,802
This way, everyone can see that
I'm not some useless doofus.
82
00:02:51,802 --> 00:02:53,374
No one thinks
You're a--
83
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,876
Marty, you useless doofus.
What the hell are you doing?
84
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,948
No, not like that.
Pick that up.
85
00:02:57,948 --> 00:03:00,251
So we'll camp.
86
00:03:01,512 --> 00:03:10,261
♪♪♪
87
00:03:10,261 --> 00:03:11,262
(clacks)
88
00:03:11,262 --> 00:03:13,724
It gets me every time!
89
00:03:13,724 --> 00:03:15,195
It's nonstop.
90
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,369
We're getting through
Ten boxes of tart pops a week.
91
00:03:18,369 --> 00:03:20,601
I like the suspense.
And the smell.
92
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,374
So back to doing camping--
Why would we join you?
93
00:03:23,374 --> 00:03:25,506
'cause I plan
On being amazing this weekend,
94
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:28,639
And I need
As many witnesses as possible.
95
00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:30,281
You know,
To oft tell my tale.
96
00:03:30,281 --> 00:03:31,612
But I don't understand.
97
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,914
A weekend of primitive shelter
And no basic comforts
98
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,287
Just sounds like
Life around here.
99
00:03:36,287 --> 00:03:37,217
Yes. Isn't this camping?
100
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,549
No, guys, this is
The lap of luxury
101
00:03:38,549 --> 00:03:40,391
Compared to what
Most people have.
102
00:03:40,391 --> 00:03:42,323
(chuckles) really.
Well, whatever you have to
Tell yourself.
103
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:43,494
(cell phone alert chimes)
(giggles)
104
00:03:43,494 --> 00:03:45,296
Hello, reggie.
105
00:03:45,296 --> 00:03:46,897
Say hello to giselle.
(camera shutter clicks)
106
00:03:46,897 --> 00:03:49,530
Ugh. He will not
Get off his "Phone"
107
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:52,333
With his new "Girlfriend,"
"Giselle."
108
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:55,266
She's practicing "Air quotes."
We're open to notes.
(chimes)
109
00:03:55,266 --> 00:03:56,467
(giggles)
110
00:03:56,467 --> 00:03:59,340
Barely hears anything
We say anymore.
111
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,341
Isn't that right, dick?
112
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,642
Dick?
113
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,444
You see, that's the best part
About camping.
114
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,246
Okay? There's no phones,
There are no tvs,
115
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,380
There's no...
T-toasters, you know?
116
00:04:09,380 --> 00:04:10,521
It's just nature
And scary stories
117
00:04:10,521 --> 00:04:12,383
By the fire all night long.
118
00:04:12,383 --> 00:04:14,855
Ooh.
Scary stories
Around the fire?
119
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,727
You know, back on zabvron,
Our favorite thing to do
120
00:04:16,727 --> 00:04:18,959
Was to sit
At my father's flippers
121
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,031
And listen to him tell tales.
122
00:04:21,031 --> 00:04:23,994
It was the only thing we needed
To pass the time...
123
00:04:23,994 --> 00:04:25,496
Except the time passer,
124
00:04:25,496 --> 00:04:27,738
Which was a thing on zabvron
That we used to pass time.
Ah.
125
00:04:27,738 --> 00:04:30,971
Husband, I don't think
That this camping
126
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,374
Sounds like it's "For" us.
Oh, boys?
127
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:34,745
Would you like
To sit around the fire
128
00:04:34,745 --> 00:04:37,408
And listen to your father
Weave tales?
129
00:04:37,408 --> 00:04:39,450
(buttons clicking)
130
00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:40,751
(click)
Ooh!
131
00:04:40,751 --> 00:04:44,355
(giggling)
132
00:04:44,355 --> 00:04:45,856
So we'll camp.
133
00:04:45,856 --> 00:04:48,489
Okay. I think
We've covered everything.
134
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,361
Can anyone think
Of anything else?
135
00:04:50,361 --> 00:04:51,522
Yes. Tell me again
136
00:04:51,522 --> 00:04:53,824
Why living like homeless people
Is considered a vacation?
137
00:04:53,824 --> 00:04:55,766
Amber...
138
00:04:55,766 --> 00:04:57,368
This tent is so luxurious,
139
00:04:57,368 --> 00:04:58,829
You're not even gonna know
You're camping.
140
00:04:58,829 --> 00:05:00,401
If we're not gonna know
We're camping,
141
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:02,403
Why do we even
Have to go camping?
142
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:03,674
(snickers)
143
00:05:03,674 --> 00:05:06,076
Sorry, babe, you walked
Right into that one.
144
00:05:06,076 --> 00:05:08,739
Daddy, isn't camping scary?
145
00:05:08,739 --> 00:05:12,483
I mean, you're outside
With spiders, bears, and snakes.
146
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:16,447
That's why daddy bought
A head lamp.
147
00:05:16,447 --> 00:05:18,689
I have some concerns.
Mm-hmm.
148
00:05:18,689 --> 00:05:20,050
Can we at least bring the ipad
149
00:05:20,050 --> 00:05:22,793
So if we need something,
We can skype grandpa?
150
00:05:22,793 --> 00:05:24,825
No. If you need something,
You'll ask grizzly dad.
151
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,627
Who's grizzly dad?
Me.
152
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:27,628
You?
Him?
153
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:28,829
Yep.
Is he growing a beard?
154
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,100
No, it gets patchy.
155
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:31,532
Okay, you know what?
Let's wrap this up.
156
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,434
Should we bring
Sleeping bags for the aliens?
157
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,506
Do aliens need
Sleeping bags?
158
00:05:35,506 --> 00:05:37,067
Remember when we
Just used to wonder
159
00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:39,610
If aliens existed at all?
160
00:05:39,610 --> 00:05:41,341
It was a simpler time.
161
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,543
Mm.
Yep.
162
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:45,015
I'm nervous
About this trip, jackie.
Oh?
163
00:05:45,015 --> 00:05:47,047
Marty is going to crumble
If it doesn't go perfectly,
164
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,519
And he proves he's a "Man."
165
00:05:48,519 --> 00:05:50,851
Listen, debbie weaver,
I've learned several things
166
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,454
On my 10-year "Camping" trip
To earth,
167
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:56,587
Mainly about managing
A well-meaning but incapable man
168
00:05:56,587 --> 00:05:58,489
Who's completely
Out of his element.
169
00:05:58,489 --> 00:06:01,061
I'm speaking about somebody
That you don't know, of course.
170
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,033
Understood.
171
00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:04,364
It's not larry bird.
172
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,366
Gotcha.
It is larry bird,
173
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,399
Just please don't tell him.
Okay, I'm alone with you here.
174
00:06:08,399 --> 00:06:09,770
Oh. So just fix
All of the things
175
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,372
That marty does wrong in private
And then give him credit
176
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,475
For all the things
That are going right.
177
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,807
Also, you should make your eyes
Look like this...
178
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,481
And say something like,
179
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,053
"Your brain is so big,
Larry bird."
180
00:06:23,053 --> 00:06:25,656
Of course, replace
"Larry bird" with "Marty,"
181
00:06:25,656 --> 00:06:27,558
And "Brain"
With whatever organ
182
00:06:27,558 --> 00:06:30,521
Human men like to be told
Is big. I'm thinking nipples.
183
00:06:30,521 --> 00:06:31,662
Jackie, it's not the 1950s.
184
00:06:31,662 --> 00:06:33,464
I don't have to pretend
I'm a helpless woman
185
00:06:33,464 --> 00:06:34,665
For marty to feel like a man.
186
00:06:34,665 --> 00:06:36,967
Oh. That's weird.
187
00:06:36,967 --> 00:06:39,530
Because he's just spent $400
On camping equipment,
188
00:06:39,530 --> 00:06:41,401
And we're about to spend
The weekend sleeping in dirt
189
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,573
So he can feel manly.
190
00:06:42,573 --> 00:06:43,574
Mm.
191
00:06:43,574 --> 00:06:45,906
Explain the eye thing
To me again.
192
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,177
Oh, it's just...
193
00:06:48,439 --> 00:06:50,541
(american accent)
Your spleen is so big, marty.
194
00:06:50,541 --> 00:06:52,412
Huh.
195
00:06:53,584 --> 00:06:56,447
Come on, kids!
It's breakfast time!
196
00:06:56,447 --> 00:06:58,689
(abby) I can't wait
To go camping.
197
00:06:58,689 --> 00:07:00,951
Hey, camper.
(buttons clicking)
198
00:07:00,951 --> 00:07:02,693
Reggie.
199
00:07:02,693 --> 00:07:03,694
Hello?
200
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,527
Hi.
201
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,929
Oh. Hey, amber. Sorry.
202
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,731
I'm just, um,
Trying to text giselle
203
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:13,764
As much as I can before this
Stupid no-phone camping trip.
(alert chimes)
204
00:07:13,764 --> 00:07:15,936
(gasps)
She just had orange juice.
205
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:19,940
What?! Oh, my god!
I love her!
(door closes)
206
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,742
All right, everyone!
207
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,645
It took four bungee chords,
Couple extension cords,
208
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:25,946
And a lot of strapping
To the roof,
209
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,518
But the van is packed!
210
00:07:27,518 --> 00:07:30,751
You strapped things to the roof
With extension cords?
Yes, I did.
211
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:35,125
Let's go and admire
His work, debbie weaver.
212
00:07:35,125 --> 00:07:36,587
Good idea.
213
00:07:36,587 --> 00:07:38,959
Great job fitting
Everything in, baby.
214
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:42,032
Well, thanks, sweetie.
That's how I roll. (chuckles)
215
00:07:42,032 --> 00:07:43,964
What? No. No, no. Come on, guys.
No more of this junk.
216
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:46,036
We are not eating anything
This weekend
217
00:07:46,036 --> 00:07:48,038
That I'm not catching
With these bad boys.
218
00:07:48,038 --> 00:07:50,200
Aw. It'll be abby's first diet.
219
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,142
All right, everyone!
Let's go campin'.
220
00:07:52,142 --> 00:07:54,905
Reggie?
221
00:07:54,905 --> 00:07:56,046
Phone.
222
00:07:56,046 --> 00:07:57,878
Be careful with it?
223
00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,550
Of course. Of course.
224
00:07:59,550 --> 00:08:02,653
I will guard it with my life.
225
00:08:02,653 --> 00:08:03,684
(object shatters)
226
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:04,685
Dick?
227
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,056
What's under your sweater?
228
00:08:06,056 --> 00:08:07,618
Nothing.
229
00:08:07,618 --> 00:08:09,159
Is that the toaster
Under your sweater?
230
00:08:09,159 --> 00:08:10,160
No.
231
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,122
Dick...
Give me the toaster.
232
00:08:14,064 --> 00:08:16,026
Leave a light on for him?
233
00:08:16,026 --> 00:08:18,669
Of course. Of course.
234
00:08:18,669 --> 00:08:20,571
(clatters)
And let's go camping!
235
00:08:25,035 --> 00:08:26,136
All right, guys, if you think
The road trip is fun,
236
00:08:26,136 --> 00:08:27,578
Wait till we get
To the campsite.
237
00:08:27,578 --> 00:08:28,879
My thumbs are twitchy.
238
00:08:28,879 --> 00:08:31,281
I've never felt
So lonely and disconnected.
239
00:08:31,281 --> 00:08:32,883
I miss my toaster.
240
00:08:32,883 --> 00:08:34,815
I know. Let's do math.
241
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:35,816
Ooh!
242
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:38,549
Y=log x.
If y=10, what is x?
243
00:08:38,549 --> 00:08:39,950
1.
1.
244
00:08:39,950 --> 00:08:41,191
Ha! Beat you.
Suck it, son.
Touche. Another.
245
00:08:41,191 --> 00:08:43,824
4,176 times 8,247?
246
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:47,027
(reggie and jackie)
34,439,472.
247
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,028
Tie!
248
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,830
Calculus to the next stop!
249
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:54,234
Mommy, I will seriously
Jump out of this car.
250
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,836
But what's the point
Of doing math
251
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,638
If I can't text giselle
That I'm doing math?
252
00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:58,839
If a tree falls in the forest,
253
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,210
And giselle
Isn't there to hear it,
254
00:09:00,210 --> 00:09:02,973
Does it, in fact,
Make a sound?
255
00:09:02,973 --> 00:09:05,145
God, I wish
I could ask giselle.
256
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:08,018
Okay, how about
Some more math, everybody?
257
00:09:08,018 --> 00:09:09,119
Well, there's not enough time
For more math,
258
00:09:09,119 --> 00:09:10,981
Because guess what,
Ladies, gentlemen,
259
00:09:10,981 --> 00:09:13,584
Extraterrestrials,
And just terrestrials?
260
00:09:13,584 --> 00:09:16,587
We're here!
(the wellingtons' "The ballad of
Davy crockett" playing)
261
00:09:16,587 --> 00:09:19,660
♪ davy, davy crockett ♪
(marty) here we go, eh?
This is it!
262
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:23,063
♪ king of the wild frontier ♪
Come on, guys!
Home sweet home!
263
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,566
♪ davy, davy crockett ♪
264
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,641
♪ the man who don't know fear ♪
265
00:09:30,641 --> 00:09:33,604
♪ born on a mountaintop
In tennessee ♪
266
00:09:33,604 --> 00:09:36,977
♪ greenest state
In the land of the free ♪
I'll show you how to,
You know, burn this wood.
267
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:40,210
Oh. Bravo. Yeah.
♪ raised in the woods
So's he knew every tree ♪
268
00:09:40,210 --> 00:09:44,314
♪ killed him a b'ar
When he was only three ♪
269
00:09:44,314 --> 00:09:47,287
♪ davy, davy crockett ♪
270
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,661
♪ king of the wild frontier ♪
271
00:09:50,661 --> 00:09:51,962
(clicks)
272
00:09:51,962 --> 00:09:53,794
♪ davy, davy crockett ♪
It's gonna happen.
273
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,295
Oh! Oh, my goodness.
Oh, hey, hey, hey!
274
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:58,969
♪ leadin' the pioneer ♪
275
00:09:58,969 --> 00:10:03,904
Marty, I shan't be able to tell
My tale for a few hours yet.
276
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:04,975
You'll get her, buddy.
277
00:10:04,975 --> 00:10:06,837
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
What's that?
278
00:10:06,837 --> 00:10:08,709
What happened
To no technology?
279
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:09,940
This is the only exception.
280
00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:11,742
I have to document my manliness
For my children.
281
00:10:11,742 --> 00:10:13,383
This way, they can
Watch it for years to come,
282
00:10:13,383 --> 00:10:15,746
And--crap.
I forgot the battery.
283
00:10:15,746 --> 00:10:17,317
Daddy, we're bored.
284
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,019
Ugh.
285
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,821
I know what we can do!
286
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,993
We can play with my pets!
(buzzing)
287
00:10:22,993 --> 00:10:24,224
Ooh!
Oh!
288
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,727
Holy lord almighty.
Dick, you are covered
In mosquitos.
289
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,128
I'll get you
Insect repellent.
290
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,730
No, thanks. I'm fine.
291
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,001
They're not biting you?
292
00:10:31,001 --> 00:10:32,903
I don't think so.
They're just resting.
293
00:10:32,903 --> 00:10:34,164
Huh. Okay. Well, I must say,
294
00:10:34,164 --> 00:10:36,166
I haven't had
A single bug on me.
No.
295
00:10:36,166 --> 00:10:37,868
(abby) me, either.
He's like
A living bug light.
296
00:10:37,868 --> 00:10:39,009
Awesome.
297
00:10:39,009 --> 00:10:40,841
Just lucky, I guess.
298
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,042
(buzzing)
299
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,643
(marty) all right.
So you just go like this,
300
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,875
And--ow!
301
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:47,017
And you make sure
You take the hook--ay!
302
00:10:47,017 --> 00:10:48,418
Here, let me do it.
303
00:10:48,418 --> 00:10:51,782
Remember.
304
00:10:51,782 --> 00:10:54,084
I'd like to try.
305
00:10:54,084 --> 00:10:55,155
I wanna learn.
306
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,687
(sighs) all right.
307
00:10:56,687 --> 00:10:59,089
But be very careful,
'cause it's very sharp.
308
00:10:59,089 --> 00:11:01,131
It is sharp. Wow.
309
00:11:01,131 --> 00:11:03,093
You don't wanna turn the hook
The wrong--whoa.
310
00:11:03,093 --> 00:11:04,795
Wow, look. You just--you--
311
00:11:04,795 --> 00:11:07,037
You put it
Right through there, huh?
312
00:11:07,037 --> 00:11:09,069
You're a great teacher.
313
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,370
You know about everything.
314
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,672
I am kind of good
At this stuff.
315
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,175
All right, you ready, max?
Let's go.
Yep.
316
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,246
And just like that,
317
00:11:16,246 --> 00:11:18,408
The baby bird
Began to fly on her own.
318
00:11:18,408 --> 00:11:20,781
Can you give me
A minute, jackie?
319
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:23,754
I just set women's lib
Back 50 years.
320
00:11:23,754 --> 00:11:25,155
Little nauseous.
321
00:11:25,155 --> 00:11:27,187
(abby) mommy, can I go play
In that field over there?
322
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,019
Sure, baby.
But there's a lot of bugs,
323
00:11:29,019 --> 00:11:30,190
So take dick with ya.
324
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,322
(buzzing)
Come on, dick.
325
00:11:32,322 --> 00:11:35,365
Hey. Whatcha doin'?
326
00:11:35,365 --> 00:11:38,829
Um, I'm writing down everything
I would be texting giselle
327
00:11:38,829 --> 00:11:41,902
So I can catch her up when
This waste of a weekend is over.
328
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:45,475
New idea--how about you try
To have some fun here and now?
329
00:11:45,475 --> 00:11:47,177
Uh, doing what?
330
00:11:47,177 --> 00:11:48,809
I don't know. I thought
Maybe we could go swimming.
331
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:51,081
Oh. A lot of hype
About swimming.
332
00:11:51,081 --> 00:11:52,382
What's so fun
About swimming?
333
00:11:52,382 --> 00:11:55,185
You know, it is one of
Life's great mysteries.
334
00:11:55,185 --> 00:11:56,987
You think it's gonna be
Cold and boring,
335
00:11:56,987 --> 00:11:58,148
But then you get in there
336
00:11:58,148 --> 00:11:59,449
And your dad puts you
On his shoulders...
337
00:11:59,449 --> 00:12:01,091
Oh, your dad's
Going swimming, too?
338
00:12:01,091 --> 00:12:03,954
No. No, no. I'm just saying
It's fun, you know?
339
00:12:03,954 --> 00:12:05,725
You splash around...
340
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,057
The water feels good...
341
00:12:07,057 --> 00:12:09,129
If you put your hair
Like this in the water
342
00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:10,060
And then flip it up,
You look like george wash--
343
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:11,061
It doesn't matter.
344
00:12:11,061 --> 00:12:13,163
Um, it's just fun, reggie.
345
00:12:13,163 --> 00:12:14,304
Mm...
346
00:12:14,304 --> 00:12:17,137
No, thanks.
I'd rather paper text.
347
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,239
Paper texting
Is not a thing.
348
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,241
You're just writing
A letter!
349
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:26,316
"Think amber preparing
To menstruate.
350
00:12:26,316 --> 00:12:27,978
L.O.L."
351
00:12:27,978 --> 00:12:29,149
Winky face.
352
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:35,155
I gotta pee.
353
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,256
All right. Come on.
354
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,788
(reel clicks)
355
00:12:37,788 --> 00:12:39,289
Hon?
Hmm?
356
00:12:39,289 --> 00:12:41,061
Oh, have fun.
We'll fish for you.
357
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,362
Let's go, buddy.
358
00:12:44,795 --> 00:12:46,837
Okay, now, now, now, now, now!
Okay, you get the hooks,
359
00:12:46,837 --> 00:12:48,298
And I'll gouge
Their face holes.
Ew.
360
00:12:48,298 --> 00:12:50,140
I can't believe
I'm doing this.
361
00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:51,301
It's so fake and dishonest.
362
00:12:51,301 --> 00:12:53,874
The crazy thing
Is that marty hasn't smelled
363
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,105
That something's up, you know?
364
00:12:55,105 --> 00:12:58,108
He knows I'm not
This helpless, impressed girl.
365
00:12:58,108 --> 00:13:00,550
But he hasn't
Noticed anything.
366
00:13:00,550 --> 00:13:02,782
Mommy?
What are you doing?
367
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,254
Nothing, abby. Nothing.
368
00:13:04,254 --> 00:13:06,256
Daddy caught these fish,
Capisce?
369
00:13:06,256 --> 00:13:07,257
Capisce.
370
00:13:07,257 --> 00:13:08,518
Where's dick?
371
00:13:08,518 --> 00:13:10,120
Lying on an anthill.
372
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,823
He says he likes the way
They tickle his back.
373
00:13:12,823 --> 00:13:14,895
You know, we really should
Keep dick close.
374
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:18,098
I think I'm getting bit.
Hey, guys!
You caught two!
375
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,170
Really?
What?
376
00:13:20,170 --> 00:13:21,171
Here, max.
377
00:13:21,171 --> 00:13:22,272
(max) whoa!
Ha!
378
00:13:22,272 --> 00:13:24,374
Whoa!
This feels like a whale!
379
00:13:24,374 --> 00:13:25,936
He's really fightin' me!
380
00:13:25,936 --> 00:13:27,207
Mine isn't fighting me
At all.
381
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,079
Reel, men! Reel!
Here they come.
382
00:13:29,079 --> 00:13:30,410
Bring it up.
Bring it up, max. Bring it up.
383
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,442
Whoa! Whoa!
384
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,246
I think
They're already dead.
385
00:13:36,246 --> 00:13:39,589
They died from exhaustion,
From all the reeling!
386
00:13:39,589 --> 00:13:41,391
(cheering)
(marty) daddy did it!
387
00:13:41,391 --> 00:13:43,123
All right, kids, huh?
388
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,555
Sear this into your memories!
389
00:13:45,555 --> 00:13:47,427
Sear it into your memories!
390
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,528
Oh!
Ugh.
391
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,260
It just touched me
Right in the mouth.
392
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,232
It went in my mouth.
Watch out.
393
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,564
Do you have baby wipes,
Hon?
394
00:13:54,564 --> 00:13:56,907
It's seared in my memory,
All right.
395
00:13:57,968 --> 00:14:01,541
(sizzling)
396
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,613
Their blackened scales
Are so awful.
397
00:14:03,613 --> 00:14:05,175
It reminds me of grandma.
398
00:14:05,175 --> 00:14:08,879
"Remind me to tell you
About my grandma's fire burial.
399
00:14:08,879 --> 00:14:10,250
Miss you."
400
00:14:11,321 --> 00:14:13,523
No! My texts!
401
00:14:13,523 --> 00:14:15,425
I didn't even
Back them up!
402
00:14:15,425 --> 00:14:17,057
Enough tumult.
403
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:19,089
It's ghost story time,
404
00:14:19,089 --> 00:14:22,993
Starring master tale teller
Lawrence bird.
405
00:14:22,993 --> 00:14:24,334
(fire crackling)
406
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:27,867
It all started
A long time ago
407
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:32,242
When a young man
Didn't listen to his father.
408
00:14:32,242 --> 00:14:36,346
This rudderless boy withdrew
Into the woods of new jersey,
409
00:14:36,346 --> 00:14:39,509
Not far from here, actually.
410
00:14:39,509 --> 00:14:42,382
He then started haunting
A family of campers.
411
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,284
Okay! Everybody!
412
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,116
Dinner's ready.
Grab a plate.
413
00:14:46,116 --> 00:14:49,089
(debbie) that's great!
To daddy, who provided!
414
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,061
Thank you. (laughs)
415
00:14:51,061 --> 00:14:53,023
And for mommy,
For buying the fish!
416
00:14:53,023 --> 00:14:54,394
Abby.
Wha--what?
417
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:57,267
She was so fast
At putting them on the hooks.
418
00:14:57,267 --> 00:14:59,369
Mommy's awesome.
419
00:15:01,271 --> 00:15:02,372
Capisce.
420
00:15:02,372 --> 00:15:04,004
Wait. W-what did you do?
421
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,636
Dad, it's not like you were
Ever gonna put up the tent
422
00:15:06,636 --> 00:15:09,109
Or get the fire started
On your own or anything.
423
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,280
Max.
What?
424
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,512
So wait a minute--
You--you did all of this,
425
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,145
And everybody...
Knew about it?
No.
426
00:15:15,145 --> 00:15:18,248
Oh, yes.
I definitely knew.
427
00:15:19,649 --> 00:15:21,391
(chuckles)
428
00:15:23,293 --> 00:15:25,055
Marty. Marty!
429
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,698
Awkward.
Okay, back to me.
430
00:15:28,698 --> 00:15:30,300
The brothers knew
431
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:31,701
That one of them wouldn't
Make it through the night,
432
00:15:31,701 --> 00:15:32,702
But who would it be?
433
00:15:32,702 --> 00:15:34,664
The cute little one?
434
00:15:34,664 --> 00:15:38,008
Or the larger,
Ungrateful one?
435
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:51,651
(owl hoots in distance)
436
00:15:57,227 --> 00:15:59,129
You burned
My paper texts.
437
00:15:59,129 --> 00:16:02,162
Here's the thing, dude.
438
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:05,065
There are two kinds
Of people in this world--
439
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,037
The kind who blow off everyone
440
00:16:07,037 --> 00:16:08,498
The minute they get
A boyfriend or girlfriend,
441
00:16:08,498 --> 00:16:11,441
And the cool kind.
442
00:16:11,441 --> 00:16:13,373
Wow.
443
00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:15,675
I guess I didn't realize
You'd even miss me.
444
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,348
Well, I do.
445
00:16:18,348 --> 00:16:20,050
So suck it.
446
00:16:22,752 --> 00:16:24,284
(drew holcomb and the neighbors'
"What would I do without you"
Playing)
447
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,156
Oh, my god!
448
00:16:26,156 --> 00:16:28,458
Ooh!
449
00:16:28,458 --> 00:16:31,391
Okay. This is happening.
450
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:32,492
This is nice.
451
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,763
Whoo!
452
00:16:33,763 --> 00:16:35,595
♪ sometimes
I wake up with the sadness ♪
453
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:38,198
♪ other days
It feels like madness ♪
(laughs)
454
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:39,599
Okay. Hi.
Hi.
455
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:40,600
Now what?
456
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,402
I don't know.
457
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:43,773
Why is this fun?
458
00:16:43,773 --> 00:16:45,735
I don't know.
Okay.
459
00:16:45,735 --> 00:16:49,409
Oh, this is fun.
460
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,311
Reggie, you have to
Do it to me.
461
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:52,382
Oh, okay.
462
00:16:52,382 --> 00:16:53,383
Whoop!
463
00:16:54,684 --> 00:16:56,446
Aah!
Oh. Whoa.
464
00:16:56,446 --> 00:16:59,689
Oh. Sorry.
It's okay.
465
00:16:59,689 --> 00:17:00,690
You cold?
466
00:17:00,690 --> 00:17:03,653
A little bit.
467
00:17:03,653 --> 00:17:05,125
Thanks.
468
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:12,462
♪ what would I do without you? ♪
469
00:17:12,462 --> 00:17:13,803
We should get back.
470
00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:23,373
(laughs)
You all look so cozy.
471
00:17:23,373 --> 00:17:25,175
Dick, are you sure you want to
Sleep with the weaver kids?
472
00:17:25,175 --> 00:17:26,546
Oh, yes. I'm looking forward
473
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,518
To smelling
The human sleep breath.
474
00:17:28,518 --> 00:17:30,180
And I'm out.
475
00:17:30,180 --> 00:17:32,522
(owl hoots)
476
00:17:32,522 --> 00:17:34,384
Mommy, I'm scared.
477
00:17:34,384 --> 00:17:36,286
The woods are really dark.
478
00:17:36,286 --> 00:17:38,458
Ooh, honey, there's nothing
To be scared of.
479
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:39,459
Mwah ha ha ha
Ha ha ha!
480
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,191
(children scream)
481
00:17:41,191 --> 00:17:43,263
Mwah ha ha!
Seriously, larry?
482
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:44,264
(amber) hey.
483
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,265
(screaming)
484
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:46,436
Aah! Aah!
485
00:17:46,436 --> 00:17:49,599
(laughs)
Everybody calm down.
486
00:17:49,599 --> 00:17:50,600
Where's dad?
487
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:51,801
I hate the woods.
488
00:17:51,801 --> 00:17:53,543
Okay, dad just went
To walk it off.
489
00:17:53,543 --> 00:17:54,744
He'll be right back,
490
00:17:54,744 --> 00:17:56,146
And there's nothing
To hate about he woods.
491
00:17:56,146 --> 00:17:57,347
They're not scary.
492
00:17:57,347 --> 00:17:59,309
It's filled with--
With flowers and trees,
493
00:17:59,309 --> 00:18:00,450
And little... (gasps)
494
00:18:01,451 --> 00:18:03,453
Oh, my god.
495
00:18:03,453 --> 00:18:04,454
Bear!
496
00:18:04,454 --> 00:18:07,487
Bear! Bear!
(bear grunts)
497
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,219
Husband, help us.
498
00:18:09,219 --> 00:18:10,790
(screams
In high-pitched voice)
499
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,222
(all screaming)
500
00:18:12,222 --> 00:18:14,824
Everybody just stay calm!
Back away slowly!
501
00:18:14,824 --> 00:18:16,596
(debbie) marty!
Deb, please,
Get everyone to the car,
502
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:17,597
And lock the doors, okay?
503
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,569
Dad, be careful!
I'm okay, baby.
504
00:18:19,569 --> 00:18:22,472
Kids, are you all right?
Daddy, I'm scared!
505
00:18:22,472 --> 00:18:26,536
Okay, well, I'm just gonna talk
To yogi here for a sec.
(growling)
506
00:18:26,536 --> 00:18:27,737
All right. Okay.
507
00:18:27,737 --> 00:18:30,140
So I gotta stay big, right?
Stay big.
508
00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:33,783
Look near you
But not directly at you.
509
00:18:33,783 --> 00:18:39,319
And I have to project
A calm and a dominance...
510
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,320
Like that.
511
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:41,851
(roaring)
512
00:18:41,851 --> 00:18:44,524
Oh, god. Jeez.
513
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:45,895
Deb, how you doin'?
514
00:18:45,895 --> 00:18:47,327
Come on, woman!
515
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:48,428
I can't find the keys!
516
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:49,729
There's so many
Friggin' pockets!
517
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:50,900
Hurry up, please!
518
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:53,533
(continues growling)
Okay. Oh, you are big.
519
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:57,267
Okay. Got a couple
Of pounds--oh.
520
00:18:57,267 --> 00:18:59,639
You got a couple
Of pounds on me.
(growling)
521
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,712
(roars)
I can see that.
522
00:19:02,712 --> 00:19:04,644
Not today, buddy.
523
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,775
(growls)
524
00:19:05,775 --> 00:19:08,478
You get out of here!
Get! Go on!
525
00:19:08,478 --> 00:19:12,552
Get! Get! Get out of here!
(roars)
526
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,354
(growls)
527
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,587
(clacks)
528
00:19:17,587 --> 00:19:18,888
Thank you.
(car alarm chirps)
529
00:19:18,888 --> 00:19:20,560
(debbie) come on, babe!
530
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,862
(josh ritter)
♪ I'm not afraid of the dark ♪
531
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,934
♪ we've been here before ♪
He took nothing. Crazy.
532
00:19:24,934 --> 00:19:26,536
♪ fallen on hard times ♪
Awesome.
533
00:19:26,536 --> 00:19:29,299
That bear
Was as big as this van.
534
00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:30,570
No. Bigger.
535
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,942
But not as big as daddy.
536
00:19:32,942 --> 00:19:35,875
I will say it was
Pretty impressive, dad.
537
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,747
Ah.
538
00:19:37,747 --> 00:19:39,809
Those are real
"Big strong man" eyes, huh?
539
00:19:39,809 --> 00:19:43,683
They are. I'm sorry
I gave you the fake ones.
540
00:19:45,515 --> 00:19:47,917
Good job, daddy. Good job.
541
00:19:47,917 --> 00:19:49,619
(all speaking indistinctly)
542
00:19:49,619 --> 00:19:52,562
(marty) my dad was the kind
Of man you made movies about.
543
00:19:52,562 --> 00:19:54,664
The kind
You told stories about.
544
00:19:54,664 --> 00:19:57,667
And I always wanted to be
That kind of man to my kids.
545
00:19:57,667 --> 00:20:01,231
But I'm no good at camping
Or fishing or making things.
546
00:20:01,231 --> 00:20:03,533
But I did make
Three amazing things
547
00:20:03,533 --> 00:20:06,436
That I'm very, very proud of.
548
00:20:06,436 --> 00:20:10,680
So one day, long from now,
You tell that story about me.
549
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,782
I like that one.
550
00:20:12,782 --> 00:20:14,284
You can tell people about
The bear, too,
551
00:20:14,284 --> 00:20:16,786
'cause it was huge.
552
00:20:16,786 --> 00:20:19,689
Okay. I love you guys.
553
00:20:23,693 --> 00:20:25,695
Wait, how do you...
554
00:20:25,695 --> 00:20:27,297
Come on. Would...
555
00:20:27,297 --> 00:20:28,558
Hon! How do you
Turn this thing off?
556
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:33,433
So I suppose we should, uh,
557
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:35,365
Discuss my reaction
To the bear...
558
00:20:35,365 --> 00:20:38,508
Or as it is more formally known,
The ursus americanus,
559
00:20:38,508 --> 00:20:41,441
Which, as you know,
Is an omnivore
560
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,343
Whose diet varies greatly.
561
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,474
Which, I'd like to point out,
562
00:20:44,474 --> 00:20:46,476
Means there was
A very possible likelihood
563
00:20:46,476 --> 00:20:47,747
That it might have eaten us.
564
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,949
Yes. The bear
Almost ate your family.
565
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,482
And you ran into the woods.
And screamed like a girl.
566
00:20:52,482 --> 00:20:54,023
Well, yes.
Well, I-I worked myself up
567
00:20:54,023 --> 00:20:55,455
With all the ghost stories.
568
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:57,287
And it's not easy
Being the man of the house.
569
00:20:57,287 --> 00:20:59,389
Yes.
It's a real "Bear."
570
00:21:00,630 --> 00:21:04,334
Okay. Now don't you have
Some texting or toasting to do?
571
00:21:04,334 --> 00:21:05,495
Now go. Go on.
572
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:12,542
My brain is still huge,
Though, right?
573
00:21:12,542 --> 00:21:14,544
(american accent)
Yes, dear, it's gigantic.
574
00:21:14,544 --> 00:21:16,576
I can barely handle it.
40706
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