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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:04,963
- "What a loser.
2
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,089
"I hate ChaseDreams.
He sucks.
3
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:07,465
"Loser.
Loser.
4
00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,050
"ChaseDreams sucks.
Asshole.
5
00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:10,135
Loser.
Sucks."
6
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:11,720
And that's just one comment.
7
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:12,762
- I'm so sorry.
8
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,974
This is all my fault.
9
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,892
I mean, it's not all my fault.
10
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,769
- It's just, everyone still
thinks I'm this bad man,
11
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,146
and I'm not.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:23,773
- You know, and it's
giving me anxiety.
13
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,942
- Hold on.
14
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,193
You have anxiety?
15
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,945
- Yeah, and it's
making me depressed.
16
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,447
- What--wait.
17
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,949
You have anxiety
and depression?
18
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,118
- I mean, I guess so.
19
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:36,161
- Oh, my God.
20
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:38,079
I have a client...
21
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,330
[dramatic music]
22
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:43,084
Struggling with mental health.
23
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,003
Chase, you beautiful boy.
24
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,546
Do you know what this means?
25
00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:49,174
There's money in singing,
but if we can make you
26
00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:52,802
the face of mental health,
my gosh--
27
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,095
- Shuli, no.
28
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,138
This is disgusting.
29
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,639
- Why? He has anxiety.
30
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,016
He said it himself.
31
00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,976
I thought you'd be
on board with this.
32
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,604
He could do a lot of good.
33
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:03,897
- Oh.
34
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,147
Yeah?
35
00:01:05,230 --> 00:01:07,901
I mean,
he does have anxiety,
36
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,444
so it's not a lie.
37
00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:12,238
And having him talk
about mental health
38
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,199
could empower others.
39
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,994
So I could do
what I wanted all along:
40
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,120
Good.
41
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:20,246
[dramatic music]
42
00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:21,664
I could finally do good--
43
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,416
- Girl, don't just do
the thing I did.
44
00:01:23,541 --> 00:01:25,377
- Okay, sorry.
How does this help me?
45
00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:27,920
I just want to stop looking bad
and go back to being me.
46
00:01:28,045 --> 00:01:29,214
- First things first,
47
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:30,882
we'll set you up
with a therapist...
48
00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:31,883
- Okay.
49
00:01:31,966 --> 00:01:32,926
- App.
50
00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:35,095
A therapist app.
51
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,221
- Hi.
52
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:37,722
I'm pop singer ChaseDreams.
53
00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:40,265
I used to be bad
and want to punch my mom,
54
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,227
but then I went to therapy,
and now, I'm all better,
55
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,728
because therapy works,
56
00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:45,521
which is why I've partnered
with BetterHealth
57
00:01:45,604 --> 00:01:48,650
to give away $1 million
in free therapy to you.
58
00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:51,820
Because we all struggle
sometimes, including me,
59
00:01:51,902 --> 00:01:55,198
the new face of mental health,
ChaseDreams.
60
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,491
- ♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪
61
00:01:57,575 --> 00:01:59,327
- And then we're gonna go
shopping on Main Street,
62
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:01,162
and walk through that
little park with the ducks.
63
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,622
Do you remember
that park, Cary?
64
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:04,290
- Uh...
- And then we're gonna go back
65
00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:05,750
to Lisa's and order dinner
66
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,127
from El Poncho Taqueria.
67
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,586
Ooh, I can't wait.
68
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:10,088
- I think you might be
the first person ever
69
00:02:10,170 --> 00:02:11,673
to be excited to go to Ohio.
70
00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:12,966
- Well, I am.
71
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,427
Things have been so crazy here.
72
00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:17,887
I just want
a simple weekend back home.
73
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,681
Reconnect with the old me.
74
00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:21,266
Are you sure
you don't wanna come?
75
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,143
It is your high school
reunion tonight.
76
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,436
- Yeah, no,
77
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,228
I am absolutely
not going to that.
78
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:28,189
I just--I don't know.
I thought I was gonna be
79
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:29,482
more successful by now.
80
00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:30,775
Like, if I'm gonna go,
81
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,444
I need to make sure
I fully win.
82
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,612
- Sorry.
Aren't you so successful?
83
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,281
What about "Night Nurse"
and "Emily Overruled"
84
00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:39,659
and the Disney movie?
And now "WindWeaver"?
85
00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:41,786
I mean that show's a hit, Cary.
86
00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:43,747
It's number one on Netflix,
after that show
87
00:02:43,829 --> 00:02:45,957
where the puppies run
the errands.
88
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:46,958
What else are you looking for?
89
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:48,376
- Yeah, I know it's a hit.
90
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:49,793
But I still don't know
91
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,379
if they're gonna do
more seasons,
92
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:52,881
so it's not like I have
job security,
93
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,425
and even if they do,
my character doesn't talk.
94
00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:57,719
And it's just
a dumb wizard show.
95
00:02:57,802 --> 00:02:59,179
It's not, like, important or--
[motor revving]
96
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:00,805
- Oh, sorry, Cary.
My copter's here.
97
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,724
And I gotta get
to my plane ASAP,
98
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:05,226
because all the stores
on Main Street close at 3:15.
99
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,478
- Oh, this is my agent.
100
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,771
She wants me
to give her a call.
101
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,272
Okay, well, have fun.
102
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:10,690
Tell no one I said hi.
103
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:11,900
- Cary...
104
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,151
[line trilling]
105
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,611
- Cary!
- Hey, Mackenzie.
106
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,988
- Guess what.
Or wait, can you hear me
107
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:18,073
over the sound of the ocean?
108
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,240
I'm back in the Hamptons.
109
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,450
- Again?
110
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,327
Yes.
Yeah, I can hear you.
111
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,245
- Great, because I have
incredible news.
112
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,539
Netflix just picked up
"WindWeaver"
113
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,333
for three more seasons.
114
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:29,584
- Wait.
What?
115
00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:30,877
- Yeah.
I mean, it makes sense.
116
00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,504
It's the biggest show
Netflix has
117
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,172
that doesn't involve puppies
running errands.
118
00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:35,298
Oh, and get this.
119
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,299
They wanna make you
120
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:37,841
a series regular.
121
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:40,345
- What? [laughs]
122
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:41,554
A series regular?
123
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,014
Wait. Is this real?
124
00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:44,516
Like, how?
Why?
125
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:45,517
- Well, you know
how "WindWeaver"
126
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,643
is based on those books?
127
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:47,852
Apparently, the fifth book
128
00:03:47,977 --> 00:03:49,478
is being published Friday,
129
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,523
and in that book, it's revealed
that your character,
130
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,900
the little serf elf
with no lines,
131
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:56,861
is actually the one
who weaves the wind.
132
00:03:56,986 --> 00:03:59,364
- What?
133
00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:00,782
Holy fucking shit.
134
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,784
My-- my character
135
00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:04,077
is the WindWeaver?
136
00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:06,037
It's my--I'm the WindWeaver?
137
00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:07,914
- It's insane.
Right?
138
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,833
Apparently, the books end up
being all about
139
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:12,043
how the least of us hold
the most power,
140
00:04:12,168 --> 00:04:15,755
so your lowly, gay elf ends up
being the WindWeaver.
141
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,507
Oh, did I mention
your character's gay, too?
142
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,760
- So it's also important?
- Yeah, and this will all be
143
00:04:20,885 --> 00:04:22,429
on "Deadline"
in, like, an hour.
144
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,639
- This is, comically,
everything I ever wanted.
145
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:27,892
I guess--I guess I should go
to my reunion.
146
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,895
Shit.
Okay, it starts in six hours.
147
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:32,188
It's an eight-hour drive.
148
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,690
I'm gonna have to race.
149
00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:35,567
Mackenzie, find me
a rental car upstate, stat.
150
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,736
- That is not my job--
- Okay.
151
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,988
- Hi, everyone.
Hello. Hi.
152
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:43,450
I just wanna say thank you
so much for doing this.
153
00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:46,453
As you all know, Chase,
and by extension, me,
154
00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:47,912
are all about doing good now,
155
00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:50,290
and more specifically,
all about mental health,
156
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,250
which is why I am so proud
157
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:55,253
to be producing this telethon
for "P!",
158
00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:58,548
which aims to raise
$250 million
159
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,426
for mental health awareness.
160
00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,764
Clap for me.
[applause]
161
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:08,099
Anyway, note that we're
going live in a few,
162
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:11,603
but I need this to go well,
so if you have a prob,
163
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:13,355
just let me
or one of my co-EPs know.
164
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:15,023
- Hi.
- But remember,
165
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,608
this was my idea, not theirs.
166
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:17,984
- Yep.
- Hmm.
167
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,737
- Also, this is Effie,
our COVID officer,
168
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:22,322
here to make sure
that you are all
169
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:23,907
physically safe while working.
170
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,534
And this is Jules,
our mental health officer,
171
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:27,744
who is here to make sure
172
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,412
that you are all
emotionally safe.
173
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,624
Okay, I think I have
all my bases covered.
174
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:36,586
So let's go raise
some insane money.
175
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,296
- Oh, please, don't say insane.
176
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:39,339
- Oh, sorry.
177
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,424
Thank you, Jules.
178
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,385
- Welcome to "ChaseDreams
179
00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:45,136
"and BetterHealth present
180
00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:47,389
A Night of Undeniable Good,"
181
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,474
an eight-hour event
raising money
182
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,476
for mental health awareness,
183
00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,311
featuring performances
from singers
184
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,813
who get anxious sometimes,
185
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:57,107
like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt,
186
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,651
and the cast of "Hamilton,"
still.
187
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,112
Plus a teen
mental health town hall
188
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,905
led by Dr. Gregory Neal,
189
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:06,741
and a powerful speech
from Parkland survivor
190
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:09,285
insert name of
Parkland survivor we can get.
191
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,287
- Whoops.
- Now here's your host,
192
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,622
ChaseDreams.
193
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,165
- Hello.
Good evening.
194
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:15,667
Thank you for joining me.
195
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,085
As you know, mental health
is something
196
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,170
I've cared deeply about
for five weeks.
197
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:20,755
- Hi.
Um, sorry.
198
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,549
You know the therapist
doing the town hall?
199
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:23,842
- Mm-hmm.
- Apparently,
200
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,094
he's been sexually harassing
the crew.
201
00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:28,555
- Wait.
What?
202
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,391
- Aw, Lisa, it's
so nice to be back.
203
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,018
Everything is just
as I remembered.
204
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,853
- And don't you just love
these jackets?
205
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,730
Jenny's Jeans really
does have the best stuff.
206
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,148
- I know.
I love all the buttons
207
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,483
and the studs, and only $9.
208
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,985
- I mean, you really don't
need to spend
209
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,528
more than $9 on a jacket.
210
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,113
There's no reason.
- Nope.
211
00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:48,575
Aw, and this pond is
just as I remember, too.
212
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,326
And I bet these are
even the same ducks.
213
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:51,786
[both chuckling]
214
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,288
- Do you want to feed them?
215
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:55,040
We could get bread
at Benny's Bread.
216
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,207
It's right on Main Street,
next to Jenny's Jeans.
217
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,294
- Aw, I'd love to.
You know, it's really too bad
218
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,420
that Cary decided not to come.
219
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:02,088
- Okay, if I keep going 90,
220
00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:04,924
I should be able to make it
for at least the last hour.
221
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,555
Aw.
Aw. Oh, my God.
222
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:11,723
Oh, my God. Thank you.
223
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,058
Thank you. That's so nice.
224
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,559
Yeah, I was already planning
on coming,
225
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:15,685
and then the news came out.
226
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:16,853
And the news came out.
227
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,438
So--Oh, my God.
Thank you.
228
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,440
Aw, that's so nice.
Thank you so much.
229
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:21,649
Yes.
Thank you.
230
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:22,734
Thank you.
Thank you.
231
00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,069
Thank you so much.
232
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,070
[urine streaming]
233
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,404
Out you go.
234
00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:27,781
I was already
planning on coming.
235
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:28,907
Stop.
...the news came out.
236
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,367
Planning on coming anyway.
237
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,409
So nice.
Thank you so much.
238
00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,411
My God!
239
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,288
Whoa.
I did?
240
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,998
I don't even remember that.
241
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:39,584
[car horn honking]
242
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,461
What the heck?
- Hi, um...
243
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:45,423
You've been throwing piss
on me for, like, the last hour.
244
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:46,758
Oh, wait.
245
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,134
Are you the WindWeaver?
246
00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,469
- Oh, yeah.
247
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:51,054
I am, yeah. Thank you.
248
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,556
- And let me guess:
now you're racing home
249
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,767
to win your reunion.
250
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,102
- How'd you know that?
251
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:58,603
- 'Cause I just found out
I'm gonna be
252
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,313
Kamala Harris's
new chief of staff,
253
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,690
so I'm racing home to win mine.
254
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,108
- Oh.
- And here.
255
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,693
I recommend a diaper
256
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,277
so you can make it in time,
257
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,530
but still show respect
for other gays on the road
258
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,073
racing home to their reunions.
259
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,534
- Oh, is it more than
just the two of--
260
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:14,703
oh, yeah,
there's one in front of me.
261
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,788
- Uh, okay, so obviously,
262
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,790
I can't have a sexual predator
on my "Night
263
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,332
of Undeniable Good."
- No, of course not.
264
00:08:20,457 --> 00:08:22,085
- But I also can't lose
my mental health therapist
265
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,462
'cause he's here
to do the good.
266
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:25,714
- Yeah.
- Right.
267
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,966
- Was he grabbing
girl or guy butts?
268
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:30,552
'Cause if it's guys, I mean...
269
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:34,639
- No, I don't know
what you mean.
270
00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:35,974
- You know, I think Melanie
271
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:37,558
and Streeter and I
have got this.
272
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,893
But thanks
for letting us know, girl.
273
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,477
Love you.
- Thank you so much.
274
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:42,397
- Yeah, love you.
Love you.
275
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,606
Okay.
How about we just ask
276
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:44,774
these women not to say
anything?
277
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,152
You know, just stay silen...
278
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:49,988
Well, not stay silent.
That's not what I'm saying.
279
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,781
It's just, you know,
maybe these women
280
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,491
were flirting with him.
Maybe they were asking for--
281
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:54,868
eh...
- [sighs]
282
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,037
- Not asking for--oh, my God.
283
00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:58,830
Everything people say
that gets them in trouble,
284
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,790
I'm actually saying.
It's crazy.
285
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,167
Your brain really
does go there.
286
00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:03,585
- Please, don't say crazy.
287
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:04,669
- Jesus.
Yes.
288
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:05,837
Thank you, Jules.
- Wait.
289
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:06,921
I know a Bravo therapist
290
00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,465
who might be able to fill in.
291
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,924
But a heads-up:
most of his advice
292
00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,217
to the teens in crisis will be
293
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,635
to just let
Bethenny be Bethenny.
294
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:13,970
- Fine.
Whatever.
295
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,638
If he's a therapist,
then call him.
296
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,849
Because the good move
is to fire the predator,
297
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,101
so that is what I am doing.
298
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:23,980
Now I am off to watch
more of my goodness.
299
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,316
- Thank you, John Krasinski,
for that beautiful poem
300
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,525
while flexing.
301
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:28,860
When we come back, a message
302
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,570
from a Parkland survivor.
303
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,030
And before that,
three performances
304
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,948
from John Legend
that will make you say,
305
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,951
"Huh, I think he
just doesn't like to be home."
306
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,203
- Okay.
307
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,038
- Hi, um, more bad news.
308
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,165
Apparently,
the Parkland survivor
309
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,540
has COVID.
310
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:46,211
- Oh, my God.
311
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,420
Okay.
Okay.
312
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:49,381
Okay.
313
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:52,217
[driven march music playing]
314
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,260
both: ♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
315
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:55,887
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
316
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:58,515
♪ Our reunions
we will crush tonight ♪
317
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,141
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
318
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,185
- ♪ No one will be
more successful than we ♪
319
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,396
- ♪ Or understand
Kamala better than he ♪
320
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:08,692
both: ♪ Because we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
321
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,694
- Oh, look, a third gay.
322
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,529
- ♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
323
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,239
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
324
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,616
- ♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪
325
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,243
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
326
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:20,412
both: ♪ And now I am sitting
in my own pee ♪
327
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,455
♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪
328
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:26,084
all: ♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
329
00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:28,503
- [laughs]
- No, but really.
330
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,923
♪ Think of what they'll say
when they see me ♪
331
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:34,009
- ♪ See me ♪
- ♪ All my classmates ♪
332
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,094
♪ With their sad little lives ♪
333
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:38,388
- ♪ Sad little lives ♪
- ♪ Think of what they'll say ♪
334
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,724
♪ How they'll swoon
and scream ♪
335
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:45,020
♪ When the WindWeaver arrives ♪
336
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,022
- Holy shit, Cary Dubek?
- Oh, my God.
337
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,606
Everyone, stop
what you're doing.
338
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:49,941
Cary Dubek's here.
339
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,192
- This is literally like
340
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:53,236
if Brad Pitt came
to his reunion.
341
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,280
all: ♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪
342
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:56,948
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
343
00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:59,075
♪ 'Cause high school for us
was full of tears ♪
344
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,952
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
345
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:03,121
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
346
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,581
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
347
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,623
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
348
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,042
- ♪ The gays are coming ♪
349
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:09,085
- ♪ The gays are coming ♪
350
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:13,548
all: ♪ The gays are coming ♪
351
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,759
♪ Home to win the night ♪
352
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,057
- It makes it look, like,
super clean
353
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,767
or something like that.
Oh, my God.
354
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,019
This is gorgeous, Lisa.
355
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,938
- Yep.
Finally, have my dream kitchen.
356
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,273
- Oh, I'm so jealous.
357
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,150
I wish my kitchen
was bee themed.
358
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,985
- And I saved money
on a designer
359
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:36,196
by buying this little
stencil kit at Kathy's Crafts
360
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,114
on the other side
of Jenny's Jeans,
361
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,200
and just stenciling
the bees on myself.
362
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,285
- I love that you have
bees flying around
363
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,578
on every single cupboard.
364
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:44,829
- I actually did bees flying
365
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,039
around the whole house.
366
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,165
I mean, why not?
I had the stencil.
367
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,501
- I'm gonna take a picture.
368
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:51,336
This is so cozy.
- Thanks.
369
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:52,462
- And aw.
370
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:53,630
I used to have that sign.
371
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:54,964
- Don't you love it?
372
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,508
Meg got me that
for Mother's Day.
373
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,093
She and Mark know to only
ever get me something
374
00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:00,053
with a bee on it now, or else.
375
00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:01,596
- And how are Meg and Mark?
376
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:02,931
- The same.
That reminds me.
377
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,182
How's Brooke?
378
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,101
What's she up to now?
- Oh...
379
00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,436
- Are you sure he can't stay
for seven more minutes?
380
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,313
You know, he's on
right after the break.
381
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,523
- Sorry.
Protocol.
382
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:12,565
- Yes, totally.
383
00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:14,317
Safety is so key.
384
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:15,360
Fuck.
385
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:16,528
I can't lose my therapist
386
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,238
and my Parkland teen.
387
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,906
Do you know how humiliating
it will be
388
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:21,950
to have an eight-hour
mental health telethon
389
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:24,244
without one Parkland kid in it?
390
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,704
- Ooh, I know.
391
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:26,830
What if we chloroform her?
392
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,248
- Oh, my God, Streeter, no.
393
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:29,708
We can't chloroform
the COVID lady
394
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,376
on my "Night
of Undeniable Good."
395
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:32,544
- Fine.
396
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:33,712
- [whispering] This way.
This way.
397
00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:35,046
- What?
- Hmm?
398
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,214
- Where are we going?
- I have an idea.
399
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:37,841
I saw a broom closet upstairs.
400
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:40,176
What if we just...
lock her in it for ten?
401
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,803
- Are you out of your mind?
402
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,555
- That feels just as bad
as chloroforming her.
403
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,056
- No, it's no big deal.
404
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:46,391
We just lead her in
405
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:47,726
and let the door shut
behind her.
406
00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:49,394
And then we say, "Oh, no.
407
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,729
"We thought this was him.
408
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,397
Our bad.
We'll go get help."
409
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,692
And then we just let her out
right after he speaks.
410
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,068
No harm, no foul.
411
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:57,902
- Sorry.
412
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:58,987
Excuse me.
413
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:00,321
His dressing room's up here?
414
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:01,322
- I think so.
415
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:02,282
Almost there.
416
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:03,908
- You cannot lock
a full woman
417
00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,827
in a broom closet
on our night of good.
418
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,620
- We'd still be doing
net good.
419
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:09,831
It's one woman in a closet
for half of "Seinfeld"
420
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:13,293
so millions of teens can hear
this Parkland kid's message.
421
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,045
- I mean, his speech
is beautiful.
422
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,921
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
423
00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:18,423
- Breakdown to the stage.
424
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:21,176
- Okay, fine.
But just ten minutes.
425
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,553
- Okay, hands in.
We're doing good on three.
426
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:24,763
One, two, three.
427
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:25,930
all: We are doing good.
428
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,515
- Okay.
429
00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:31,603
♪ ♪
430
00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,271
Let's do this.
431
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:40,403
♪ ♪
432
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:48,995
[indistinct conversations]
433
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,795
[sighs]
434
00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:57,796
I feel so stupid.
435
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:58,963
No one here is gonna--
436
00:13:59,047 --> 00:13:59,964
- Holy shit.
437
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,007
Cary Dubek.
438
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:02,467
- Oh, my God.
439
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,803
Everyone, stop
what you're doing.
440
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,846
Cary Dubek is here.
441
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:07,847
- Whoa!
442
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:08,848
This is like if Brad Pitt
443
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:10,183
came to his reunion.
444
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,477
- Wait.
This is literally the song.
445
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,354
- Oh, my God.
I can't believe you came.
446
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,272
- Cary Dubes, dude.
- Yeah.
447
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,066
- Wait a minute.
What's going on?
448
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:19,651
It kind of smells
like piss over here.
449
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:22,278
- Oh, that's for sure me.
450
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,864
I'm literally
covered in piss 24/7.
451
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,157
It's the joy of having
a one-year-old.
452
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:28,034
- Oh.
[laughter]
453
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:30,203
- Wow.
Cary Dubek, hi.
454
00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,996
- Sorry. Can I get a pic?
455
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:33,623
My wife and I love
"WindWeaver,"
456
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,542
and now you're the full star?
457
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:36,668
- Thank you.
458
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:37,836
That's so nice.
459
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:44,676
But, um, uh, ah, are, ew.
460
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,428
- Sorry.
What's that, Cary?
461
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,388
- Uh, ow are you?
462
00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:51,016
- Oh.
I think he's asking how we are.
463
00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:52,434
- Yeah.
Sorry.
464
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,561
- Oh, no.
We see each other 24/7.
465
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,146
I'm sick of hearing
about these people.
466
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,690
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
467
00:14:58,773 --> 00:14:59,983
- So wait.
468
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,818
You just want me to talk
about myself
469
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,862
all night?
470
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,613
all: Yes!
[laughter]
471
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:08,658
- I mean, if you insist.
472
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:11,703
[song concluding]
473
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:12,871
- Thank you, John Legend.
474
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:14,539
Another B-plus.
475
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,083
And now, a quick announcement
for all you at home.
476
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:19,461
Starting now, if you tweet
about the show
477
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:22,005
using the hashtag
#ANightOfUndeniableGood,
478
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,757
you will get one month
of therapy
479
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:25,091
courtesy of BetterHealth.
480
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,593
So tell all
your mentally ill friends
481
00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:28,720
to tune in and tweet,
and let's make this
482
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:31,473
the most-watched telethon ever.
483
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,683
Okay, we'll be right back
after the break
484
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,519
with insert name of whatever
Parkland teen we get.
485
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,355
- Okay.
Set's right this way.
486
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,606
Follow us.
487
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,316
- I'm trying.
You're just going really fast.
488
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:42,734
- Well, we're just
eager to get you
489
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:43,735
out there to tell your story.
490
00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:44,819
- Hello?
- Hey.
491
00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:46,029
Is COVID lady still in there?
492
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,697
- Mm-hmm.
Help's on the way. Sorry.
493
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:49,741
We really thought
this was his dressing room.
494
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,117
- Okay.
- I feel so weird
495
00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:52,118
about this, Brooke.
496
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:53,244
Like, that Parkland kid
497
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:54,245
does have COVID.
- No.
498
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:55,747
Do not get cold feet now.
499
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:58,458
Plus, who can he hurt
in the next minute?
500
00:15:58,540 --> 00:15:59,793
- Hi.
Sia?
501
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,252
I'm such a huge fan.
502
00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:02,921
"Rolling In The Deep" is
one of my favorite songs.
503
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,090
- Fuck.
He's giving Sia COVID.
504
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,383
- Hey.
Hey, bud?
505
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,592
Let's just keep it moving,
okay?
506
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:08,927
I'm sure Sia is very busy.
507
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,261
- Can I maybe give you a hug?
508
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:11,429
- No, no.
- No.
509
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:12,764
You know what?
It's fine.
510
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,224
Everyone has to be vaccinated,
511
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,725
so even if she does get it,
it'll be a cold.
512
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:16,768
She's young.
- Right.
513
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,061
- And is this your grandma?
514
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,104
- I have to give you
a hug, too.
515
00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:20,105
- Oh, my God.
516
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:21,231
We killed Sia's grandma.
517
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,774
We killed Sia's grandma.
518
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:24,234
- Streeter, quit being psycho.
519
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:25,694
- Oh, please don't say psycho.
520
00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:26,903
- God, can someone
521
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,321
please put a bell on them?
522
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:29,823
- Shit.
He's on in 10 seconds.
523
00:16:29,948 --> 00:16:31,116
Uh... uh...
524
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:32,951
[inhales deeply]
525
00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,119
Grandma, stay
away from the boy.
526
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:35,286
Step back, Grandma.
527
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:36,871
- What? What?
- Up we go.
528
00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:38,331
No, no. Don't worry.
529
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:39,958
We're all doing good.
We're doing good here.
530
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:40,959
- This is good.
- Okay.
531
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,293
Good coming through.
532
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,461
- What he's doing is good.
- It's all good!
533
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,130
- And now, a moving message
534
00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:47,799
from Parkland survivor
Cameron Kasky.
535
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:51,052
- Thank you, Chase.
536
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:53,054
As many of you may know...
[coughs]
537
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:54,514
- [sighs]
- Hi.
538
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:57,642
We have a problem
with Ben Platt.
539
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,644
- What the fuck?
540
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:00,770
[laughter]
- God.
541
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,480
You are just so famous now.
542
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:04,315
- And it makes sense.
I remember in high school,
543
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,984
you won "Most likely to win
an Academy Award."
544
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,153
- I did?
545
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:09,487
I don't even remember that.
546
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,489
- God, I don't know what I won.
547
00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,867
- Well, I got "most likely
to succeed," which is sad,
548
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,160
'cause now I'm a dentist,
549
00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,493
which is nothing
compared to Cary.
550
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,539
- Oh, being a dentist
isn't nothing.
551
00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:21,833
Yes, it is.
It's truly nothing.
552
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,667
[laughter]
553
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:26,838
- Seriously, I tell everyone
I was in "Grease" with you.
554
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,339
- Oh, that's sweet.
555
00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:30,508
Are you still acting?
- Oh, no.
556
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,177
I do marketing
for a local theater now,
557
00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,179
which is nice, 'cause
the hours are flexible,
558
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:35,638
but it's still creative.
559
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,224
God, this must sound
so small time to you.
560
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:41,019
- No.
Please, you are not small time.
561
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,645
Yes, she is.
She is small, I am big.
562
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,148
- And, hey.
I'm so happy you're out now.
563
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,942
I had no idea
you were closeted in school.
564
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,152
It must have been so hard.
565
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,946
- No, no.
And now, I'm winning.
566
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,698
So let's go back
to how I'm winning.
567
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,536
- Hi.
- Hey.
568
00:17:58,620 --> 00:17:59,537
- Wow.
569
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,663
- Hey, Owen?
570
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,040
So cool you're here.
571
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:03,249
Great to see you.
572
00:18:03,375 --> 00:18:04,876
- Yeah.
I wasn't gonna come,
573
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:07,504
but I just got
some insane news.
574
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,714
- What?
- I'm gonna be...
575
00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:11,841
an understudy on Broadway.
576
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:14,177
- Wow.
That's so cool.
577
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,637
- You should talk
to Cary Dubek
578
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,055
since you guys are, like,
in the same industry.
579
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,890
Hey, yo, Dubes.
580
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,850
- Wait.
You came? Fuck!
581
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,727
I can't be the second
most successful gay
582
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:25,814
at this reunion.
That's fucking nothing.
583
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:28,358
No.
Gosh.
584
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,777
[laughs]
We're having a great time.
585
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,070
- Jesus.
586
00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:33,905
- This is the best night
of my life.
587
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,574
I may need to sing again.
588
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,243
- Shit.
But we already announced
589
00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:41,538
their company's $100-million
donation on air.
590
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,289
- But that was before
the company CEO found out
591
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:44,874
there was a gay person
on the show.
592
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,085
And he's crazy conservative,
and he says
593
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,254
that if we let
Ben Platt perform,
594
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,089
he'll take their money back.
595
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:52,549
I'm so sorry.
- Well, thank you.
596
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,300
Where are you going?
- Fuck.
597
00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:55,635
Doing good is impossible.
598
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,929
No wonder I didn't do it
for 35 years.
599
00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,264
- Okay, so what do we do?
600
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:01,057
- Let me just try
and go talk to him.
601
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,267
- Right.
602
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,352
- I mean, listen,
I hate gays too.
603
00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:06,021
Penises in butts?
604
00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:08,189
How and why, sir?
605
00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:09,774
They're the ones who
are mentally ill.
606
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,234
Am I right?
607
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,611
It's just that Ben's
already here, you know,
608
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:18,450
so let's just... let him
do his little song.
609
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,619
- Sorry.
But I won't budge on this.
610
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,246
- I mean, can you believe it?
611
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,498
He will take his money
back if you perform.
612
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,584
- Jesus.
That is so shitty.
613
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,376
- I know.
614
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:32,672
So obviously, you--
615
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,758
- Are going out there,
more determined than ever
616
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,176
to not be silenced.
617
00:19:37,469 --> 00:19:40,221
- Yas, queen.
618
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:42,599
Fucking gay people.
Fuck.
619
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,976
- Okay, I know.
What if we chloroform him?
620
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,978
- No.
Let's just game this out.
621
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,813
- All right.
- We can't tell Ben to leave,
622
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:50,315
'cause that would look bad.
- Yeah.
623
00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,858
- Plus, mental health
does affect
624
00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:53,360
the LGBTQ community,
625
00:19:53,485 --> 00:19:55,320
so it is good to have
a gay person on this.
626
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,155
- Representation
is worth so much.
627
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,823
- But is it worth $100 million?
628
00:19:58,907 --> 00:20:01,576
- I don't know.
- Like, if it was 5 or 10...
629
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:03,453
- Brooke, hey.
- Hi.
630
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,538
- I had an idea.
What if we do a thing
631
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:07,332
where, every time
someone buys my last album,
632
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:08,708
they get a month
of free therapy?
633
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,794
- What? Absolutely not.
That's gross.
634
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,046
- But we just said if people
tweet about this show,
635
00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:14,547
they get a month of therapy.
What's the difference?
636
00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:16,424
- Well, Bud,
you'd be doing it
637
00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:18,510
to help album sales,
which is bad.
638
00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,887
But I'm doing it
to help promote this show
639
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,890
that helps the whole world,
which is good.
640
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,141
So...
641
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:26,184
- No, yeah.
642
00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:27,352
Yeah, right.
643
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,646
Sorry for asking.
644
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:30,563
- Okay.
645
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,232
I know what we're gonna do.
646
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:33,400
We're gonna accidentally lock
Ben Platt
647
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:34,984
in the broom closet, too.
648
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,444
- Okay.
649
00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:38,238
- Yeah, I mean, I've had
an agent for a while,
650
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,448
but now I have a lawyer
and a manager.
651
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:42,450
- That is so crazy.
652
00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,244
- I have none of that.
653
00:20:44,369 --> 00:20:45,495
- ♪ It's happening ♪
654
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,080
♪ Look how they fawn ♪
655
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:49,374
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
656
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:51,584
- Wow.
- Yeah, we shoot in Croatia,
657
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:54,295
but luckily, they
have to fly me first.
658
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:55,714
- Lucky.
659
00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:57,382
- We did a friend trip
to Hawaii last year,
660
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,092
and we were in
the very last row of coach.
661
00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:00,218
- Aw.
662
00:21:00,343 --> 00:21:01,970
♪ It's happening ♪
663
00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:03,304
♪ I am their god ♪
664
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:05,473
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
665
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:08,059
- Hey, would you mind
FaceTiming my brother-in-law?
666
00:21:08,143 --> 00:21:09,811
He's a huge fan.
667
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,604
- My brother-in-law's
also a fan.
668
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:13,356
- Girls, girls,
there is plenty of me
669
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,984
for every brother-in-law.
[laughter]
670
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:18,028
♪ Their lives were empty
before I came ♪
671
00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:21,364
♪ 'Cause they're just people,
but I have fame ♪
672
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:23,533
all: Aw.
- Already?
673
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,243
- But I guess I do need
to relieve the sitter.
674
00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:26,619
- And what time is
soccer tomorrow?
675
00:21:26,745 --> 00:21:28,079
- Drinks on Thursday, right?
- Love you.
676
00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:30,165
- ♪ They'll never forget
this epic night ♪
677
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:31,708
- It was so great seeing you.
678
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,461
- ♪ I hope when I leave,
they will be all right ♪
679
00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:36,254
- I think
we can all safely say,
680
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,922
you won this reunion, bro.
681
00:21:38,048 --> 00:21:39,841
- ♪ Tonight was just
how I hoped it'd be ♪
682
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:42,093
♪ Add this to the list
of successes for me ♪
683
00:21:42,177 --> 00:21:44,095
♪ The gay has come home ♪
684
00:21:44,179 --> 00:21:46,097
♪ The gay has come home ♪
685
00:21:46,181 --> 00:21:50,518
♪ The gay has come home ♪
686
00:21:50,602 --> 00:21:57,734
♪ And won the night ♪
687
00:21:58,735 --> 00:21:59,778
Ha!
688
00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:05,533
[engine turns over]
689
00:22:33,228 --> 00:22:35,689
Let's see.
690
00:22:38,525 --> 00:22:40,485
- That's why we call it
wine o'clock Zumba.
691
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:43,154
- Food's here from Pat's fave.
- Yum-yum!
692
00:22:43,238 --> 00:22:45,865
I have been dreaming
about El Pancho Taqueria.
693
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:49,494
- That's 'cause nobody does
Mexican like Tony and Mike.
694
00:22:49,619 --> 00:22:52,330
- Anyway, you have
to come back next summer, too,
695
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:53,873
so you can pontoon.
696
00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:57,002
- Oh, 100%.
I will be on that pontoon.
697
00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,004
- We thought it was gonna be
a hassle having one.
698
00:22:59,087 --> 00:23:00,755
You know, taking it
out in the winter.
699
00:23:00,839 --> 00:23:03,508
But you just pay one fee,
and the marina does it all.
700
00:23:03,591 --> 00:23:05,343
- Love that.
- But if you do go, Pat,
701
00:23:05,427 --> 00:23:08,847
do not let Robin pull you
on that tube.
702
00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:12,142
She nearly broke my neck
she went so fast.
703
00:23:12,225 --> 00:23:14,352
- You just had
one too many Kim Crawfords.
704
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:15,937
- Uh, it was the weekend.
705
00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,898
There's no such thing
as one too many Kim Cs.
706
00:23:18,982 --> 00:23:20,859
- I'm on her side.
707
00:23:20,984 --> 00:23:23,611
- And speaking of,
I just wanna say,
708
00:23:23,695 --> 00:23:25,697
thank you so much
for having me back.
709
00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:27,907
This has truly been
the perfect day.
710
00:23:28,033 --> 00:23:29,576
- Melanie,
let the COVID lady out.
711
00:23:29,701 --> 00:23:31,202
We need the closet
for Ben Platt.
712
00:23:31,286 --> 00:23:32,370
- Wait.
What?
713
00:23:32,495 --> 00:23:33,830
Okay.
714
00:23:33,913 --> 00:23:36,166
Hi, ma'am.
I am so sorry about the mix-up.
715
00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:38,376
We--wait.
Where did she go?
716
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:40,378
[gasps] Oh, my God.
717
00:23:40,503 --> 00:23:41,880
I think she escaped
through the vents.
718
00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:44,341
- What?
There's a lady in the vents
719
00:23:44,424 --> 00:23:46,217
on my "Night
of Undeniable Good"?
720
00:23:46,301 --> 00:23:48,053
- It absolutely appears so.
721
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:49,304
- Ugh!
722
00:23:49,387 --> 00:23:50,680
So if we can't throw
Ben in a closet,
723
00:23:50,764 --> 00:23:51,890
how else are we
gonna distract him
724
00:23:51,973 --> 00:23:53,516
so he misses his performance?
725
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,393
- Well, I know you're
gonna be mad, but--
726
00:23:55,477 --> 00:23:56,853
- Streeter, no chloroform.
727
00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:57,896
Now think.
728
00:23:57,979 --> 00:24:00,190
How else can we distract
a gay man?
729
00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:01,191
- Oh, my God.
730
00:24:01,274 --> 00:24:03,568
Brooke, I'm a daddy.
731
00:24:03,693 --> 00:24:06,154
- [humming]
732
00:24:06,237 --> 00:24:07,697
- [pounding on door]
733
00:24:07,781 --> 00:24:09,115
Hey, twink.
- Excuse me?
734
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,909
- What do you say
we blow off this fundraiser
735
00:24:10,992 --> 00:24:13,244
and I go...
736
00:24:13,328 --> 00:24:16,289
step on your bones,
or break your neck?
737
00:24:16,414 --> 00:24:17,665
Or is it legs?
738
00:24:17,749 --> 00:24:18,958
I'm going to--
I'm going to--
739
00:24:19,084 --> 00:24:21,586
I will break
any bone in your body
740
00:24:21,670 --> 00:24:23,463
that you want me to break.
741
00:24:24,881 --> 00:24:27,175
- Well, Ben Platt filed
a sexual harassment complaint
742
00:24:27,258 --> 00:24:29,761
against you, so I guess
I have to fire you now, too?
743
00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:31,763
- Okay, but this is great.
744
00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:34,224
This means he isn't gay,
or he would have loved that.
745
00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:36,393
- Oh, just go.
- Brooke!
746
00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:39,187
Sorry, but Ben's on
in 15 minutes.
747
00:24:39,270 --> 00:24:40,438
- Fuck.
748
00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:42,565
I can't lose $100 million.
749
00:24:42,649 --> 00:24:44,109
- I know.
750
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,407
Maybe Streeter was right?
751
00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:54,577
Maybe we do chloroform him?
752
00:24:56,830 --> 00:25:00,709
- I actually saw some
in the broom closet.
753
00:25:12,804 --> 00:25:14,639
- Refinance today,
and your new loan
754
00:25:14,764 --> 00:25:16,516
could save you
hundreds of dollars.
755
00:25:16,641 --> 00:25:18,518
- And get one of our certified
pre-owns at Akron Auto World,
756
00:25:18,643 --> 00:25:20,645
home of the most enormous
American flag you've
757
00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:22,522
ever seen in your goddamn--
758
00:25:25,734 --> 00:25:28,111
- [sighs] Where is the turnoff?
759
00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:14,115
What the fuck?
Did I just miss the turnoff?
760
00:26:14,199 --> 00:26:16,785
And why does it smell
like full piss in here?
761
00:26:18,161 --> 00:26:19,788
- Okay, but like...
- Uh-huh.
762
00:26:19,871 --> 00:26:21,706
- It's good that we're
chloroforming Ben Pratt,
763
00:26:21,790 --> 00:26:23,541
because this money can help
a lot of people.
764
00:26:23,667 --> 00:26:26,044
And he said he was tired
when he got here,
765
00:26:26,169 --> 00:26:28,254
so he'll just think
he slept through his song.
766
00:26:28,380 --> 00:26:30,256
- Plus, I already have
the "Hamilton" cast
767
00:26:30,382 --> 00:26:31,758
ready to go on instead.
768
00:26:31,883 --> 00:26:32,801
They're gonna sing
"The Room Where It Happens,"
769
00:26:32,884 --> 00:26:33,927
but in this version,
770
00:26:34,052 --> 00:26:35,553
the room
is a therapist's office.
771
00:26:35,679 --> 00:26:36,680
- Ew.
772
00:26:36,763 --> 00:26:37,681
Maybe it's worth $100 million
773
00:26:37,764 --> 00:26:38,973
to not hear that.
774
00:26:39,057 --> 00:26:40,934
Also, like, what
if we kill Ben Platt?
775
00:26:41,059 --> 00:26:43,353
- Oh, my God.
We're not gonna kill Ben Platt.
776
00:26:43,436 --> 00:26:44,896
Just focus.
777
00:26:45,814 --> 00:26:47,732
We are doing this for good.
778
00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:51,444
But if you ever say
anything about the good
779
00:26:51,528 --> 00:26:54,614
that we did here,
I will end you.
780
00:26:54,739 --> 00:26:56,408
- Okay, fine.
781
00:26:56,491 --> 00:26:57,742
Let's do this.
782
00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:03,415
both: Hi.
783
00:27:03,540 --> 00:27:04,749
- Hey.
What's up?
784
00:27:04,874 --> 00:27:06,084
- Do you think that--
785
00:27:06,209 --> 00:27:08,628
- Just stay there,
because...
786
00:27:08,753 --> 00:27:10,255
- We just wanna...
787
00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:11,548
[creaking]
788
00:27:11,631 --> 00:27:12,841
- [yelps]
789
00:27:12,924 --> 00:27:14,175
- Oh, my--
- Oh, my God!
790
00:27:14,259 --> 00:27:16,720
- Jesus Christ.
Are you okay?
791
00:27:16,803 --> 00:27:18,054
- Oh.
- Hey, girl,
792
00:27:18,138 --> 00:27:20,598
aw, we just sent
the maintenance man up.
793
00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:21,808
- Who the fuck is this?
794
00:27:21,933 --> 00:27:24,227
- Oh, are you Ben Platt?
795
00:27:24,310 --> 00:27:26,271
- Yes.
796
00:27:26,396 --> 00:27:28,732
- Well, you have COVID
and need to leave immediately.
797
00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:30,525
- I--what?
- Wait, what?
798
00:27:30,608 --> 00:27:32,652
- Yeah.
- Yes!
799
00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:34,404
I mean, no.
800
00:27:34,487 --> 00:27:35,447
He does?
801
00:27:35,572 --> 00:27:36,865
Oh, so he can't perform?
802
00:27:36,948 --> 00:27:38,533
He can't perform,
and it's his fault.
803
00:27:38,616 --> 00:27:40,160
- Fuck.
This sucks.
804
00:27:40,285 --> 00:27:42,120
I feel like I'm letting
the whole gay community down.
805
00:27:42,245 --> 00:27:43,496
- You are.
806
00:27:43,621 --> 00:27:45,707
You are letting them down.
807
00:27:45,790 --> 00:27:49,294
Melanie, girl,
we fucking did it.
808
00:27:49,377 --> 00:27:50,337
Fuck! [laughs]
809
00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:51,796
- Okay.
810
00:27:55,508 --> 00:27:57,093
- Hi, can I use
your bathroom, please?
811
00:27:57,177 --> 00:27:58,636
- It's out of order.
- That's okay.
812
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,805
I just need the bathroom room.
813
00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:04,809
- Why do you need
the bathroom room?
814
00:28:04,934 --> 00:28:06,311
- 'Cause I'm wearing
a fucking diaper,
815
00:28:06,436 --> 00:28:07,687
and I need to take it off.
816
00:28:07,812 --> 00:28:09,105
Yep. I've been sitting
in my own piss
817
00:28:09,189 --> 00:28:10,982
for the last six hours,
so may I please
818
00:28:11,107 --> 00:28:12,650
just use your bathroom room
819
00:28:12,734 --> 00:28:14,944
so I can take off my diaper,
kind sir?
820
00:28:16,988 --> 00:28:18,323
- Sounds like you had
a pretty rough night.
821
00:28:18,406 --> 00:28:19,657
- It's actually one
of the best nights
822
00:28:19,783 --> 00:28:20,992
of my entire life.
823
00:28:44,349 --> 00:28:45,725
Ugh.
824
00:28:47,185 --> 00:28:48,353
God.
825
00:28:59,531 --> 00:29:04,035
[phone vibrates]
826
00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:14,212
What?
Is there no service in here?
827
00:29:20,677 --> 00:29:22,345
Fuck.
828
00:29:29,144 --> 00:29:33,231
Come on.
829
00:29:33,356 --> 00:29:34,441
Fuck.
830
00:29:36,526 --> 00:29:38,528
What the fucking fuck?
831
00:29:40,196 --> 00:29:42,741
- Well, this night
sucked my ass.
832
00:29:42,866 --> 00:29:45,452
- Yeah.
That was 100% cuckoo bananas.
833
00:29:45,577 --> 00:29:48,079
- Oh, yeah, please don't say
"cuckoo bananas."
834
00:29:48,163 --> 00:29:49,247
Just kidding.
Have a great night.
835
00:29:49,330 --> 00:29:50,582
- Okay.
[tires squealing]
836
00:29:50,665 --> 00:29:51,916
- Oh! Watch where you're going,
837
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,126
you fucking psycho.
838
00:29:53,251 --> 00:29:54,586
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, but hey,
839
00:29:54,711 --> 00:29:55,920
this might cheer you up.
840
00:29:56,004 --> 00:29:57,422
Chase's album is
number one on iTunes.
841
00:29:57,505 --> 00:29:58,548
- Wait.
What?
842
00:29:58,631 --> 00:30:00,008
What do you mean?
- Yeah.
843
00:30:00,091 --> 00:30:01,426
He tweeted he'd give
a free month of therapy
844
00:30:01,509 --> 00:30:02,969
to anyone who bought
his last album,
845
00:30:03,094 --> 00:30:04,387
and this whole country
is sick,
846
00:30:04,471 --> 00:30:06,222
so it went straight
to number one.
847
00:30:06,306 --> 00:30:07,891
Kind of smart.
Well--
848
00:30:07,974 --> 00:30:09,309
- Wait.
No.
849
00:30:09,434 --> 00:30:11,394
I specifically told him
not to do that,
850
00:30:11,478 --> 00:30:14,272
and he just did anyway?
Fuck.
851
00:30:14,397 --> 00:30:17,025
The whole reason
we pivoted him to mental health
852
00:30:17,108 --> 00:30:19,569
was so that people wouldn't
think he was bad anymore.
853
00:30:19,652 --> 00:30:21,613
But then he does
this shit thing?
854
00:30:21,738 --> 00:30:22,947
Ugh!
855
00:30:23,031 --> 00:30:26,659
Why is it so hard to do good?
856
00:30:26,785 --> 00:30:28,453
- Okay, if you do think that,
857
00:30:28,578 --> 00:30:31,956
I wouldn't look behind you
right now.
858
00:30:32,082 --> 00:30:34,959
[discordant music]
859
00:30:35,085 --> 00:30:38,546
♪ ♪
860
00:30:39,631 --> 00:30:43,218
- What in the actual fuck?
861
00:30:48,598 --> 00:30:49,683
- Hi.
862
00:30:49,808 --> 00:30:50,809
Can I use
your bathroom, please?
863
00:30:50,934 --> 00:30:52,310
- Another one?
864
00:30:52,435 --> 00:30:54,437
Right.
Totally forgot.
865
00:30:54,521 --> 00:30:56,022
It's reunion season.
866
00:30:56,106 --> 00:30:59,025
There's actually another
diaper guy in there now, but--
867
00:30:59,150 --> 00:31:00,860
we should probably
check on him.
868
00:31:01,653 --> 00:31:02,612
How are you doing?
869
00:31:02,696 --> 00:31:05,323
- My own piss in my eyes.
870
00:31:05,448 --> 00:31:06,991
- Oh, god.
871
00:31:08,618 --> 00:31:10,662
- I can--
872
00:31:10,787 --> 00:31:12,205
I can take it from here.
873
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,669
- I don't know.
I don't--I'm lost.
874
00:31:17,794 --> 00:31:21,006
I'm, like, fucking lost.
875
00:31:21,131 --> 00:31:23,174
- Yeah, no.
I'm lost too.
876
00:31:23,299 --> 00:31:26,011
- No.
I think I'm, like, lost lost.
877
00:31:26,136 --> 00:31:27,762
Like, I just had
this great night,
878
00:31:27,846 --> 00:31:33,476
and immediately, I don't know,
left and just felt unhappy--
879
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,228
or, like, not happy,
880
00:31:35,353 --> 00:31:36,938
and I don't know why.
881
00:31:37,022 --> 00:31:38,189
Like, I am the star
882
00:31:38,314 --> 00:31:39,566
of the number-one show
on Netflix
883
00:31:39,691 --> 00:31:41,109
without puppies shopping.
884
00:31:41,192 --> 00:31:44,779
So why do I feel like
I'm about to fucking cry?
885
00:31:44,863 --> 00:31:47,323
- I feel lost lost, too,
886
00:31:47,407 --> 00:31:50,201
which is insane, 'cause I have
Kamala's phone number.
887
00:31:50,285 --> 00:31:53,496
Like, if I called her now,
she'd answer.
888
00:31:53,580 --> 00:31:56,207
- It's just like I have
everything I ever wanted.
889
00:31:56,291 --> 00:31:58,043
So what am I missing?
890
00:31:58,126 --> 00:32:00,128
Like what else
am I looking for?
891
00:32:00,211 --> 00:32:02,005
[phone rings]
892
00:32:03,548 --> 00:32:08,386
Oh, one of my classmates is
videoing me on Instagram.
893
00:32:08,470 --> 00:32:10,347
[phone ringing]
- So weird.
894
00:32:10,430 --> 00:32:13,892
One of my classmates
is videoing me, too.
895
00:32:14,017 --> 00:32:15,226
Hello?
- Hello.
896
00:32:15,310 --> 00:32:16,394
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
897
00:32:16,478 --> 00:32:17,562
He picked up.
Shut up.
898
00:32:17,687 --> 00:32:18,563
Hi. It's Alicia.
899
00:32:18,688 --> 00:32:19,939
Sorry.
900
00:32:20,065 --> 00:32:21,232
I don't mean to be
a full stalker--
901
00:32:21,316 --> 00:32:22,275
- Yes, we do.
902
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:23,276
- We were just talking
903
00:32:23,401 --> 00:32:24,819
about how you won
904
00:32:24,903 --> 00:32:26,404
"most likely to win
an Academy Award."
905
00:32:26,529 --> 00:32:27,739
So we got out
Jesse's yearbook,
906
00:32:27,822 --> 00:32:29,240
and guess what I won.
907
00:32:29,324 --> 00:32:30,575
- Wait for it.
- "Most likely to win
908
00:32:30,700 --> 00:32:32,660
an Academy Award
for Best Actress."
909
00:32:32,744 --> 00:32:34,245
[laughter]
910
00:32:34,371 --> 00:32:36,331
So you should feel
really good about yourself
911
00:32:36,414 --> 00:32:38,333
because I'm
a literal dog walker now.
912
00:32:38,416 --> 00:32:40,418
- [laughs] Thank you.
- Wait.
913
00:32:40,543 --> 00:32:41,795
Cary, what are you doing now?
914
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:42,837
Want to come hang?
915
00:32:42,921 --> 00:32:44,255
I mean, I'm sure, no,
916
00:32:44,381 --> 00:32:45,840
'cause you're fully famous
917
00:32:45,924 --> 00:32:47,300
and we're just, like,
watching "Survivor."
918
00:32:47,425 --> 00:32:48,593
- Oh, I thought
only gay people
919
00:32:48,677 --> 00:32:50,011
watched "Survivor" now.
- What?
920
00:32:50,095 --> 00:32:51,513
- I think everyone does.
921
00:32:51,596 --> 00:32:53,515
Anyway, it's just
a cazh friend hang,
922
00:32:53,598 --> 00:32:55,558
if you want to come.
- Yes, come!
923
00:32:55,642 --> 00:32:57,268
- Come on, Dubes.
- Max, Max, Max.
924
00:32:57,394 --> 00:32:59,270
You gotta come.
It's a friend hang.
925
00:32:59,354 --> 00:33:00,397
- Okay, no,
let's let him go.
926
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:01,606
But come if you want.
927
00:33:01,731 --> 00:33:03,191
I'll DM you the address.
928
00:33:03,274 --> 00:33:05,068
- Okay.
Great. Great.
929
00:33:05,151 --> 00:33:06,986
I appreciate it.
930
00:33:09,739 --> 00:33:13,576
God, it's so obvious
what I've been missing.
931
00:33:14,786 --> 00:33:16,788
- It's so clear what I need.
932
00:33:18,331 --> 00:33:22,585
Hey, would you want
to get a drink as frien--
933
00:33:22,669 --> 00:33:23,837
wait, what?
934
00:33:23,962 --> 00:33:25,255
- Mackenzie,
935
00:33:25,338 --> 00:33:27,340
I need to win the Academy Award
936
00:33:27,465 --> 00:33:29,759
for Best Actor
in a Motion Picture.
937
00:33:29,843 --> 00:33:32,095
[engine revving]
938
00:33:35,348 --> 00:33:36,599
- Good night, Pat.
939
00:33:36,683 --> 00:33:38,268
- Good night, Lisa.
940
00:33:43,815 --> 00:33:47,318
[line trilling]
941
00:33:52,032 --> 00:33:54,701
- Wazzup?
942
00:33:54,826 --> 00:33:56,286
I'm not here.
Leave a message
943
00:33:56,369 --> 00:34:00,540
after the beep.
[voice mail beeps]
944
00:34:00,665 --> 00:34:03,752
- Hey, I tried calling you,
but you didn't pick up.
945
00:34:03,835 --> 00:34:06,838
And I just wanted to let
you know about my day.
946
00:34:06,963 --> 00:34:08,882
My friend picked me up
from the airport,
947
00:34:09,007 --> 00:34:10,675
and we went shopping
948
00:34:10,759 --> 00:34:14,763
and then got ice cream
and fed the ducks in the park,
949
00:34:14,846 --> 00:34:16,848
then went back to her house
and ordered dinner
950
00:34:16,931 --> 00:34:19,391
with some other friends.
951
00:34:19,516 --> 00:34:21,728
And the whole time,
the whole day,
952
00:34:21,853 --> 00:34:24,022
I just kept thinking,
953
00:34:24,147 --> 00:34:26,858
"I am so fucking bored."
954
00:34:26,940 --> 00:34:28,818
[melancholy music]
955
00:34:28,902 --> 00:34:33,156
I just--I was so excited
to come back, but I--
956
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:36,659
I hated every minute of it.
957
00:34:36,743 --> 00:34:39,079
Everything we did,
I thought, "How much longer
958
00:34:39,204 --> 00:34:40,413
do I have to do this for?"
959
00:34:40,538 --> 00:34:42,081
- All afternoon, if you want.
960
00:34:42,206 --> 00:34:45,418
- We walked through town,
and I found it small.
961
00:34:45,543 --> 00:34:46,878
We bought clothes
I used to wear,
962
00:34:47,003 --> 00:34:48,713
and I felt foolish in them.
963
00:34:48,838 --> 00:34:51,007
- Pat's fave.
- And everything we ate
964
00:34:51,091 --> 00:34:52,425
was so awful.
965
00:34:52,550 --> 00:34:53,885
I was embarrassed
to be putting
966
00:34:53,967 --> 00:34:56,221
food like that in my mouth.
967
00:34:56,304 --> 00:34:59,391
And the houses were so ugly.
968
00:34:59,474 --> 00:35:00,767
These people should be in jail
969
00:35:00,892 --> 00:35:02,268
for what their houses
look like.
970
00:35:02,394 --> 00:35:03,895
I wish my kitchen
was bee-themed.
971
00:35:04,020 --> 00:35:05,313
I just-- I kept thinking,
972
00:35:05,397 --> 00:35:06,815
"Thank God I don't think
this shit
973
00:35:06,898 --> 00:35:09,776
looks good still."
I wanna take a picture.
974
00:35:09,901 --> 00:35:11,361
- Eventually,
the day was so long,
975
00:35:11,444 --> 00:35:13,071
I started to get
physically mad
976
00:35:13,154 --> 00:35:14,239
it was still happening
977
00:35:14,364 --> 00:35:15,782
because the conversations
978
00:35:15,907 --> 00:35:17,158
were so mind-numbing.
979
00:35:17,242 --> 00:35:18,451
- And the marina does it all.
980
00:35:18,576 --> 00:35:20,203
- And the jokes weren't funny.
981
00:35:20,286 --> 00:35:22,414
- One too many Kim Cs.
982
00:35:22,497 --> 00:35:24,749
- I just--
I was with my friends,
983
00:35:24,833 --> 00:35:26,084
but I wasn't.
984
00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:29,129
I was outside them
985
00:35:29,254 --> 00:35:31,339
because they were the same,
986
00:35:31,423 --> 00:35:34,009
and I was different.
987
00:35:34,092 --> 00:35:35,677
I am different.
988
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:36,928
And I just--
989
00:35:37,012 --> 00:35:39,848
I don't think
I can come here again--
990
00:35:39,931 --> 00:35:41,850
not ever again.
991
00:35:43,810 --> 00:35:46,521
Anyway, this is
a lot of texts,
992
00:35:46,604 --> 00:35:48,189
and I know we're not
together anymore,
993
00:35:48,273 --> 00:35:50,442
but I just wanted to say hi
994
00:35:50,525 --> 00:35:54,362
and that I miss you...
and your dick.
995
00:35:54,446 --> 00:35:57,699
God, I miss
your big, fat dick.
996
00:36:00,618 --> 00:36:03,204
Oh, my God.
Those were all tweets again.
997
00:36:03,288 --> 00:36:04,289
Delete, delete, delete.
998
00:36:04,414 --> 00:36:05,999
[dramatic march music]
999
00:36:06,124 --> 00:36:08,043
both: ♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
1000
00:36:08,126 --> 00:36:09,836
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
1001
00:36:09,961 --> 00:36:12,130
♪ Our reunions
we will crush tonight ♪
1002
00:36:12,213 --> 00:36:13,923
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
1003
00:36:14,007 --> 00:36:16,343
- ♪ No one will be
more successful than we ♪
1004
00:36:16,468 --> 00:36:18,219
- ♪ Or understand Kamala
better than he ♪
1005
00:36:18,303 --> 00:36:22,974
both: ♪ 'Cause we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
1006
00:36:23,058 --> 00:36:24,476
- Oh, look, a third gay.
1007
00:36:24,559 --> 00:36:26,519
- ♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
1008
00:36:26,644 --> 00:36:28,021
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
1009
00:36:28,146 --> 00:36:30,315
- ♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪
1010
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:32,150
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
1011
00:36:32,275 --> 00:36:34,569
both: ♪ And now I am sitting
my own pee ♪
1012
00:36:34,652 --> 00:36:36,488
♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪
1013
00:36:36,571 --> 00:36:41,034
all: ♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
1014
00:36:41,159 --> 00:36:42,827
- No, but really.
1015
00:36:42,911 --> 00:36:45,789
♪ Think of what they'll say
when they see me ♪
1016
00:36:45,872 --> 00:36:47,415
- ♪ See me ♪
1017
00:36:47,499 --> 00:36:50,919
- ♪ All my classmates with
their said little lives ♪
1018
00:36:51,002 --> 00:36:54,881
♪ Think of what they'll say,
how they'll swoon and scream ♪
1019
00:36:55,006 --> 00:36:58,760
♪ When the WindWeaver
arrives ♪
1020
00:36:58,843 --> 00:37:01,054
all: ♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪
1021
00:37:01,179 --> 00:37:02,847
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
1022
00:37:02,931 --> 00:37:05,100
♪ 'Cause high school,
for us, was full of tears ♪
1023
00:37:05,183 --> 00:37:06,976
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
1024
00:37:07,060 --> 00:37:09,104
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
1025
00:37:09,187 --> 00:37:10,397
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
1026
00:37:10,522 --> 00:37:11,606
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
1027
00:37:11,690 --> 00:37:13,233
- ♪ The gays are coming ♪
1028
00:37:13,358 --> 00:37:17,362
all: ♪ The gays are coming ♪
1029
00:37:17,445 --> 00:37:19,322
♪ Home to win the night ♪
71895
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