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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,906 --> 00:00:05,072
"What a loser.
2
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:06,240
"I hate ChaseDreams. He sucks.
3
00:00:06,241 --> 00:00:07,658
"Loser. Loser.
4
00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:09,202
"ChaseDreams sucks. Asshole.
5
00:00:09,203 --> 00:00:10,328
Loser. Sucks."
6
00:00:10,329 --> 00:00:11,829
And that's just one comment.
7
00:00:11,830 --> 00:00:12,830
I'm so sorry.
8
00:00:12,831 --> 00:00:16,083
This is all my fault.
9
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:18,127
I mean, it's not all my fault.
10
00:00:18,128 --> 00:00:19,837
It's just, everyone still
thinks I'm this bad man,
11
00:00:19,838 --> 00:00:21,172
and I'm not.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:21,173 --> 00:00:23,883
You know, and it's
giving me anxiety.
13
00:00:23,884 --> 00:00:26,093
Hold on.
14
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,345
You have anxiety?
15
00:00:27,346 --> 00:00:29,096
Yeah, and it's
making me depressed.
16
00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:30,640
What... wait.
17
00:00:30,641 --> 00:00:33,059
You have anxiety and depression?
18
00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:35,311
I mean, I guess so.
19
00:00:35,312 --> 00:00:36,354
Oh, my God.
20
00:00:36,355 --> 00:00:38,272
I have a client...
21
00:00:39,525 --> 00:00:43,236
Struggling with mental health.
22
00:00:43,237 --> 00:00:45,071
Chase, you beautiful boy.
23
00:00:45,072 --> 00:00:46,697
Do you know what this means?
24
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:49,242
There's money in singing,
but if we can make you
25
00:00:49,243 --> 00:00:52,912
the face of mental
health, my gosh...
26
00:00:52,913 --> 00:00:54,247
Shuli, no.
27
00:00:54,248 --> 00:00:55,289
This is disgusting.
28
00:00:55,290 --> 00:00:56,707
Why? He has anxiety.
29
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:58,042
He said it himself.
30
00:00:58,043 --> 00:01:00,044
I thought you'd be
on board with this.
31
00:01:00,045 --> 00:01:02,713
He could do a lot of good.
32
00:01:02,714 --> 00:01:04,048
Oh.
33
00:01:04,049 --> 00:01:05,216
Yeah?
34
00:01:05,217 --> 00:01:08,052
I mean, he does have anxiety,
35
00:01:08,053 --> 00:01:09,554
so it's not a lie.
36
00:01:09,555 --> 00:01:12,431
And having him talk
about mental health
37
00:01:12,432 --> 00:01:14,308
could empower others.
38
00:01:14,309 --> 00:01:18,187
So I could do what
I wanted all along:
39
00:01:18,188 --> 00:01:19,313
Good.
40
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,858
I could finally do good...
41
00:01:21,859 --> 00:01:23,568
Girl, don't just
do the thing I did.
42
00:01:23,569 --> 00:01:25,444
Okay, sorry. How
does this help me?
43
00:01:25,445 --> 00:01:28,030
I just want to stop looking
bad and go back to being me.
44
00:01:28,031 --> 00:01:29,282
First things first,
45
00:01:29,283 --> 00:01:31,033
we'll set you up
with a therapist...
46
00:01:31,034 --> 00:01:32,034
Okay.
47
00:01:32,035 --> 00:01:33,077
App.
48
00:01:33,078 --> 00:01:35,329
A therapist app.
49
00:01:35,330 --> 00:01:36,372
Hi.
50
00:01:36,373 --> 00:01:37,915
I'm pop singer ChaseDreams.
51
00:01:37,916 --> 00:01:40,334
I used to be bad and
want to punch my mom,
52
00:01:40,335 --> 00:01:42,420
but then I went to therapy,
and now, I'm all better,
53
00:01:42,421 --> 00:01:43,921
because therapy works,
54
00:01:43,922 --> 00:01:45,590
which is why I've
partnered with BetterHealth
55
00:01:45,591 --> 00:01:48,801
to give away $1 million
in free therapy to you.
56
00:01:48,802 --> 00:01:52,013
Because we all struggle
sometimes, including me,
57
00:01:52,014 --> 00:01:55,308
the new face of mental
health, ChaseDreams.
58
00:01:55,309 --> 00:01:57,602
♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪
59
00:01:57,603 --> 00:01:59,395
And then we're gonna go
shopping on Main Street,
60
00:01:59,396 --> 00:02:01,272
and walk through that
little park with the ducks.
61
00:02:01,273 --> 00:02:02,773
Do you remember that park, Cary?
62
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:04,442
- Uh...
- And then we're gonna go back
63
00:02:04,443 --> 00:02:05,776
to Lisa's and order dinner
64
00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:07,278
from El Poncho Taqueria.
65
00:02:07,279 --> 00:02:08,738
Ooh, I can't wait.
66
00:02:08,739 --> 00:02:10,198
I think you might be
the first person ever
67
00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:11,741
to be excited to go to Ohio.
68
00:02:11,742 --> 00:02:13,034
Well, I am.
69
00:02:13,035 --> 00:02:15,494
Things have been so crazy here.
70
00:02:15,495 --> 00:02:17,955
I just want a simple
weekend back home.
71
00:02:17,956 --> 00:02:19,874
Reconnect with the old me.
72
00:02:19,875 --> 00:02:21,334
Are you sure you
don't wanna come?
73
00:02:21,335 --> 00:02:23,336
It is your high school
reunion tonight.
74
00:02:23,337 --> 00:02:24,587
Yeah, no,
75
00:02:24,588 --> 00:02:26,297
I am absolutely
not going to that.
76
00:02:26,298 --> 00:02:28,341
I just... I don't know.
I thought I was gonna be
77
00:02:28,342 --> 00:02:29,717
more successful by now.
78
00:02:29,718 --> 00:02:30,968
Like, if I'm gonna go,
79
00:02:30,969 --> 00:02:32,637
I need to make sure I fully win.
80
00:02:32,638 --> 00:02:34,722
Sorry. Aren't you
so successful?
81
00:02:34,723 --> 00:02:37,308
What about "Night Nurse"
and "Emily Overruled"
82
00:02:37,309 --> 00:02:39,894
and the Disney movie?
And now "WindWeaver"?
83
00:02:39,895 --> 00:02:41,938
I mean that show's a hit, Cary.
84
00:02:41,939 --> 00:02:43,981
It's number one on
Netflix, after that show
85
00:02:43,982 --> 00:02:45,983
where the puppies
run the errands.
86
00:02:45,984 --> 00:02:47,068
What else are you looking for?
87
00:02:47,069 --> 00:02:48,569
Yeah, I know it's a hit.
88
00:02:48,570 --> 00:02:49,987
But I still don't know
89
00:02:49,988 --> 00:02:51,489
if they're gonna
do more seasons,
90
00:02:51,490 --> 00:02:53,074
so it's not like I
have job security,
91
00:02:53,075 --> 00:02:55,534
and even if they do, my
character doesn't talk.
92
00:02:55,535 --> 00:02:57,870
And it's just a
dumb wizard show.
93
00:02:57,871 --> 00:02:59,246
It's not, like, important
or...
94
00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:00,998
Oh, sorry, Cary.
My copter's here.
95
00:03:00,999 --> 00:03:02,833
And I gotta get
to my plane ASAP,
96
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:05,378
because all the stores on
Main Street close at 3:15.
97
00:03:05,379 --> 00:03:06,671
Oh, this is my agent.
98
00:03:06,672 --> 00:03:07,797
She wants me to give her a call.
99
00:03:07,798 --> 00:03:09,423
Okay, well, have fun.
100
00:03:09,424 --> 00:03:10,800
Tell no one I said hi.
101
00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:12,009
Cary...
102
00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:14,762
- Cary!
- Hey, Mackenzie.
103
00:03:14,763 --> 00:03:17,014
Guess what. Or wait,
can you hear me
104
00:03:17,015 --> 00:03:18,182
over the sound of the ocean?
105
00:03:18,183 --> 00:03:19,475
I'm back in the Hamptons.
106
00:03:19,476 --> 00:03:20,601
Again?
107
00:03:20,602 --> 00:03:22,395
Yes. Yeah, I can hear you.
108
00:03:22,396 --> 00:03:24,313
Great, because I
have incredible news.
109
00:03:24,314 --> 00:03:26,774
Netflix just picked
up "WindWeaver"
110
00:03:26,775 --> 00:03:28,484
for three more seasons.
111
00:03:28,485 --> 00:03:29,735
Wait. What?
112
00:03:29,736 --> 00:03:31,112
Yeah. I mean, it makes sense.
113
00:03:31,113 --> 00:03:32,571
It's the biggest
show Netflix has
114
00:03:32,572 --> 00:03:34,281
that doesn't involve
puppies running errands.
115
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:35,449
Oh, and get this.
116
00:03:35,450 --> 00:03:36,492
They wanna make you
117
00:03:36,493 --> 00:03:37,910
a series regular.
118
00:03:37,911 --> 00:03:40,579
What?
119
00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:41,789
A series regular?
120
00:03:41,790 --> 00:03:43,124
Wait. Is this real?
121
00:03:43,125 --> 00:03:44,625
Like, how? Why?
122
00:03:44,626 --> 00:03:45,751
Well, you know how "WindWeaver"
123
00:03:45,752 --> 00:03:46,877
is based on those books?
124
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:47,878
Apparently, the fifth book
125
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,547
is being published Friday,
126
00:03:49,548 --> 00:03:51,632
and in that book, it's
revealed that your character,
127
00:03:51,633 --> 00:03:54,093
the little serf
elf with no lines,
128
00:03:54,094 --> 00:03:57,013
is actually the one
who weaves the wind.
129
00:03:57,014 --> 00:03:59,557
What?
130
00:03:59,558 --> 00:04:00,850
Holy fucking shit.
131
00:04:00,851 --> 00:04:02,852
My... my character
132
00:04:02,853 --> 00:04:04,186
is the WindWeaver?
133
00:04:04,187 --> 00:04:06,147
It's my... I'm the WindWeaver?
134
00:04:06,148 --> 00:04:08,107
It's insane. Right?
135
00:04:08,108 --> 00:04:10,026
Apparently, the books
end up being all about
136
00:04:10,027 --> 00:04:12,236
how the least of us
hold the most power,
137
00:04:12,237 --> 00:04:15,906
so your lowly, gay elf ends
up being the WindWeaver.
138
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,534
Oh, did I mention your
character's gay, too?
139
00:04:18,535 --> 00:04:20,911
- So it's also important?
- Yeah, and this will all be
140
00:04:20,912 --> 00:04:22,496
on "Deadline" in, like, an hour.
141
00:04:22,497 --> 00:04:24,749
This is, comically,
everything I ever wanted.
142
00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:28,127
I guess... I guess I
should go to my reunion.
143
00:04:28,128 --> 00:04:30,963
Shit. Okay, it
starts in six hours.
144
00:04:30,964 --> 00:04:32,298
It's an eight-hour drive.
145
00:04:32,299 --> 00:04:33,799
I'm gonna have to race.
146
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,718
Mackenzie, find me a
rental car upstate, stat.
147
00:04:35,719 --> 00:04:37,970
- That is not my job...
- Okay.
148
00:04:37,971 --> 00:04:40,139
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
149
00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:43,517
I just wanna say thank you
so much for doing this.
150
00:04:43,518 --> 00:04:46,604
As you all know, Chase,
and by extension, me,
151
00:04:46,605 --> 00:04:48,105
are all about doing good now,
152
00:04:48,106 --> 00:04:50,441
and more specifically,
all about mental health,
153
00:04:50,442 --> 00:04:52,276
which is why I am so proud
154
00:04:52,277 --> 00:04:55,279
to be producing this
telethon for "P!",
155
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,741
which aims to raise $250 million
156
00:04:58,742 --> 00:05:01,411
for mental health awareness.
157
00:05:03,163 --> 00:05:05,956
Clap for me.
158
00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:08,292
Anyway, note that we're
going live in a few,
159
00:05:08,293 --> 00:05:11,712
but I need this to go well,
so if you have a prob,
160
00:05:11,713 --> 00:05:13,464
just let me or one
of my co-EPs know.
161
00:05:13,465 --> 00:05:15,049
- Hi.
- But remember,
162
00:05:15,050 --> 00:05:16,801
this was my idea, not theirs.
163
00:05:16,802 --> 00:05:18,177
- Yep.
- Hmm.
164
00:05:18,178 --> 00:05:20,930
Also, this is Effie,
our COVID officer,
165
00:05:20,931 --> 00:05:22,473
here to make sure
that you are all
166
00:05:22,474 --> 00:05:24,058
physically safe while working.
167
00:05:24,059 --> 00:05:26,727
And this is Jules, our
mental health officer,
168
00:05:26,728 --> 00:05:27,937
who is here to make sure
169
00:05:27,938 --> 00:05:29,480
that you are all
emotionally safe.
170
00:05:29,481 --> 00:05:32,817
Okay, I think I have
all my bases covered.
171
00:05:32,818 --> 00:05:36,737
So let's go raise
some insane money.
172
00:05:36,738 --> 00:05:38,447
Oh, please, don't say insane.
173
00:05:38,448 --> 00:05:39,532
Oh, sorry.
174
00:05:39,533 --> 00:05:41,534
Thank you, Jules.
175
00:05:41,535 --> 00:05:43,494
Welcome to "ChaseDreams
176
00:05:43,495 --> 00:05:45,204
"and BetterHealth present
177
00:05:45,205 --> 00:05:47,414
A Night of Undeniable Good,"
178
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:49,583
an eight-hour
event raising money
179
00:05:49,584 --> 00:05:51,544
for mental health awareness,
180
00:05:51,545 --> 00:05:53,379
featuring performances
from singers
181
00:05:53,380 --> 00:05:55,047
who get anxious sometimes,
182
00:05:55,048 --> 00:05:57,341
like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt,
183
00:05:57,342 --> 00:05:59,718
and the cast of
"Hamilton," still.
184
00:05:59,719 --> 00:06:02,179
Plus a teen mental
health town hall
185
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:04,014
led by Dr. Gregory Neal,
186
00:06:04,015 --> 00:06:06,851
and a powerful speech
from Parkland survivor
187
00:06:06,852 --> 00:06:09,353
insert name of Parkland
survivor we can get.
188
00:06:09,354 --> 00:06:11,438
- Whoops.
- Now here's your host,
189
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:12,773
ChaseDreams.
190
00:06:12,774 --> 00:06:14,233
Hello. Good evening.
191
00:06:14,234 --> 00:06:15,776
Thank you for joining me.
192
00:06:15,777 --> 00:06:17,319
As you know, mental
health is something
193
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,280
I've cared deeply
about for five weeks.
194
00:06:19,281 --> 00:06:20,865
Hi. Um, sorry.
195
00:06:20,866 --> 00:06:22,700
You know the therapist
doing the town hall?
196
00:06:22,701 --> 00:06:24,034
- Mm-hmm.
- Apparently,
197
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:26,162
he's been sexually
harassing the crew.
198
00:06:26,163 --> 00:06:28,706
Wait. What?
199
00:06:28,707 --> 00:06:31,500
Aw, Lisa, it's so
nice to be back.
200
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:33,210
Everything is just
as I remembered.
201
00:06:33,211 --> 00:06:35,045
And don't you just
love these jackets?
202
00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:36,881
Jenny's Jeans really
does have the best stuff.
203
00:06:36,882 --> 00:06:38,215
I know. I love all the buttons
204
00:06:38,216 --> 00:06:40,551
and the studs, and only $9.
205
00:06:40,552 --> 00:06:42,011
I mean, you really
don't need to spend
206
00:06:42,012 --> 00:06:43,637
more than $9 on a jacket.
207
00:06:43,638 --> 00:06:45,347
There's no reason.
- Nope.
208
00:06:45,348 --> 00:06:48,684
Aw, and this pond is
just as I remember, too.
209
00:06:48,685 --> 00:06:50,477
And I bet these are
even the same ducks.
210
00:06:52,022 --> 00:06:53,355
Do you want to feed them?
211
00:06:53,356 --> 00:06:55,232
We could get bread
at Benny's Bread.
212
00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:57,401
It's right on Main Street,
next to Jenny's Jeans.
213
00:06:57,402 --> 00:06:59,403
Aw, I'd love to. You
know, it's really too bad
214
00:06:59,404 --> 00:07:00,571
that Cary decided not to come.
215
00:07:00,572 --> 00:07:02,239
Okay, if I keep going 90,
216
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,035
I should be able to make it
for at least the last hour.
217
00:07:08,330 --> 00:07:10,706
Aw. Aw. Oh, my God.
218
00:07:10,707 --> 00:07:11,916
Oh, my God. Thank you.
219
00:07:11,917 --> 00:07:13,250
Thank you. That's so nice.
220
00:07:13,251 --> 00:07:14,710
Yeah, I was already
planning on coming,
221
00:07:14,711 --> 00:07:15,920
and then the news came out.
222
00:07:15,921 --> 00:07:17,046
And the news came out.
223
00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:18,505
So... Oh, my God. Thank you.
224
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,591
Aw, that's so nice.
Thank you so much.
225
00:07:20,592 --> 00:07:21,759
Yes. Thank you.
226
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:22,968
Thank you. Thank you.
227
00:07:22,969 --> 00:07:24,136
Thank you so much.
228
00:07:25,138 --> 00:07:26,430
Out you go.
229
00:07:26,431 --> 00:07:27,932
I was already
planning on coming.
230
00:07:27,933 --> 00:07:29,141
Stop. The news came out.
231
00:07:29,142 --> 00:07:30,434
Planning on coming anyway.
232
00:07:30,435 --> 00:07:31,602
So nice. Thank you so much.
233
00:07:31,603 --> 00:07:33,604
My God!
234
00:07:33,605 --> 00:07:35,397
Whoa. I did?
235
00:07:35,398 --> 00:07:37,066
I don't even remember that.
236
00:07:39,736 --> 00:07:41,695
What the heck?
- Hi, um...
237
00:07:41,696 --> 00:07:45,616
You've been throwing piss on
me for, like, the last hour.
238
00:07:45,617 --> 00:07:46,992
Oh, wait.
239
00:07:46,993 --> 00:07:48,244
Are you the WindWeaver?
240
00:07:48,245 --> 00:07:49,620
Oh, yeah.
241
00:07:49,621 --> 00:07:51,205
I am, yeah. Thank you.
242
00:07:51,206 --> 00:07:53,707
And let me guess: now
you're racing home
243
00:07:53,708 --> 00:07:56,001
to win your reunion.
244
00:07:56,002 --> 00:07:57,294
How'd you know that?
245
00:07:57,295 --> 00:07:58,712
'Cause I just found
out I'm gonna be
246
00:07:58,713 --> 00:08:00,381
Kamala Harris's
new chief of staff,
247
00:08:00,382 --> 00:08:01,882
so I'm racing home to win mine.
248
00:08:01,883 --> 00:08:03,175
- Oh.
- And here.
249
00:08:03,176 --> 00:08:04,843
I recommend a diaper
250
00:08:04,844 --> 00:08:06,470
so you can make it in time,
251
00:08:06,471 --> 00:08:08,639
but still show respect
for other gays on the road
252
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,266
racing home to their reunions.
253
00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:12,643
Oh, is it more than
just the two of...
254
00:08:12,644 --> 00:08:14,895
Oh, yeah, there's
one in front of me.
255
00:08:14,896 --> 00:08:16,855
Uh, okay, so obviously,
256
00:08:16,856 --> 00:08:18,857
I can't have a sexual
predator on my "Night
257
00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:20,526
of Undeniable Good."
- No, of course not.
258
00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:22,319
But I also can't lose my
mental health therapist
259
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,571
'cause he's here to do the good.
260
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,823
- Yeah.
- Right.
261
00:08:25,824 --> 00:08:28,200
Was he grabbing
girl or guy butts?
262
00:08:28,201 --> 00:08:30,661
'Cause if it's guys, I mean...
263
00:08:30,662 --> 00:08:34,790
No, I don't know what you mean.
264
00:08:34,791 --> 00:08:36,166
You know, I think Melanie
265
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,626
and Streeter and
I have got this.
266
00:08:37,627 --> 00:08:39,086
But thanks for
letting us know, girl.
267
00:08:39,087 --> 00:08:40,546
Love you.
- Thank you so much.
268
00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:42,464
Yeah, love you. Love you.
269
00:08:42,465 --> 00:08:43,716
Okay. How about we just ask
270
00:08:43,717 --> 00:08:44,967
these women not to say anything?
271
00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:47,344
You know, just stay silen...
272
00:08:47,345 --> 00:08:50,139
Well, not stay silent.
That's not what I'm saying.
273
00:08:50,140 --> 00:08:51,849
It's just, you know,
maybe these women
274
00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:53,684
were flirting with him.
Maybe they were asking for...
275
00:08:53,685 --> 00:08:55,060
Eh...
276
00:08:55,061 --> 00:08:57,187
Not asking for... oh, my God.
277
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:58,939
Everything people say
that gets them in trouble,
278
00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:00,941
I'm actually
saying. It's crazy.
279
00:09:00,942 --> 00:09:02,192
Your brain really does go there.
280
00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:03,777
Please, don't say crazy.
281
00:09:03,778 --> 00:09:04,862
Jesus. Yes.
282
00:09:04,863 --> 00:09:06,030
Thank you, Jules.
- Wait.
283
00:09:06,031 --> 00:09:07,114
I know a Bravo therapist
284
00:09:07,115 --> 00:09:08,490
who might be able to fill in.
285
00:09:08,491 --> 00:09:10,159
But a heads-up:
most of his advice
286
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,452
to the teens in crisis will be
287
00:09:11,453 --> 00:09:12,786
to just let Bethenny
be Bethenny.
288
00:09:12,787 --> 00:09:14,121
Fine. Whatever.
289
00:09:14,122 --> 00:09:15,706
If he's a therapist,
then call him.
290
00:09:15,707 --> 00:09:18,042
Because the good move
is to fire the predator,
291
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,252
so that is what I am doing.
292
00:09:20,253 --> 00:09:24,048
Now I am off to watch
more of my goodness.
293
00:09:24,049 --> 00:09:26,383
Thank you, John Krasinski,
for that beautiful poem
294
00:09:26,384 --> 00:09:27,634
while flexing.
295
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,053
When we come back, a message
296
00:09:29,054 --> 00:09:30,637
from a Parkland survivor.
297
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,222
And before that,
three performances
298
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:34,058
from John Legend that
will make you say,
299
00:09:34,059 --> 00:09:37,019
"Huh, I think he just
doesn't like to be home."
300
00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:38,228
Okay.
301
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:40,189
Hi, um, more bad news.
302
00:09:40,190 --> 00:09:42,232
Apparently, the
Parkland survivor
303
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:43,692
has COVID.
304
00:09:43,693 --> 00:09:46,236
Oh, my God.
305
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:47,571
Okay. Okay.
306
00:09:47,572 --> 00:09:49,448
Okay.
307
00:09:52,369 --> 00:09:54,328
♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
308
00:09:54,329 --> 00:09:55,954
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
309
00:09:55,955 --> 00:09:58,624
♪ Our reunions we
will crush tonight ♪
310
00:09:58,625 --> 00:10:00,292
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
311
00:10:00,293 --> 00:10:02,336
♪ No one will be more
successful than we ♪
312
00:10:02,337 --> 00:10:04,505
♪ Or understand Kamala
better than he ♪
313
00:10:04,506 --> 00:10:08,842
♪ Because we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
314
00:10:08,843 --> 00:10:10,761
Oh, look, a third gay.
315
00:10:10,762 --> 00:10:12,638
♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
316
00:10:12,639 --> 00:10:14,431
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
317
00:10:14,432 --> 00:10:16,767
♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪
318
00:10:16,768 --> 00:10:18,394
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
319
00:10:18,395 --> 00:10:20,646
♪ And now I am
sitting in my own pee ♪
320
00:10:20,647 --> 00:10:22,606
♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪
321
00:10:22,607 --> 00:10:26,318
♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
322
00:10:26,319 --> 00:10:28,695
No, but really.
323
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:32,032
♪ Think of what they'll
say when they see me ♪
324
00:10:32,033 --> 00:10:34,159
- ♪ See me ♪
- ♪ All my classmates ♪
325
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,161
♪ With their sad little lives ♪
326
00:10:36,162 --> 00:10:38,622
- ♪ Sad little lives ♪
- ♪ Think of what they'll say ♪
327
00:10:38,623 --> 00:10:40,791
♪ How they'll
swoon and scream ♪
328
00:10:40,792 --> 00:10:45,129
♪ When the WindWeaver arrives ♪
329
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:47,172
- Holy shit, Cary Dubek?
- Oh, my God.
330
00:10:47,173 --> 00:10:48,757
Everyone, stop
what you're doing.
331
00:10:48,758 --> 00:10:50,175
Cary Dubek's here.
332
00:10:50,176 --> 00:10:51,427
This is literally like
333
00:10:51,428 --> 00:10:53,345
if Brad Pitt came
to his reunion.
334
00:10:53,346 --> 00:10:55,347
♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪
335
00:10:55,348 --> 00:10:56,974
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
336
00:10:56,975 --> 00:10:59,309
♪ 'Cause high school for
us was full of tears ♪
337
00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:00,978
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
338
00:11:00,979 --> 00:11:03,355
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
339
00:11:03,356 --> 00:11:04,690
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
340
00:11:04,691 --> 00:11:05,774
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
341
00:11:05,775 --> 00:11:09,278
♪ The gays are coming ♪
342
00:11:09,279 --> 00:11:13,657
♪ The gays are coming ♪
343
00:11:13,658 --> 00:11:15,743
♪ Home to win the night ♪
344
00:11:20,915 --> 00:11:22,207
It makes it look,
like, super clean
345
00:11:22,208 --> 00:11:23,917
or something like
that. Oh, my God.
346
00:11:23,918 --> 00:11:26,170
This is gorgeous, Lisa.
347
00:11:26,171 --> 00:11:29,131
Yep. Finally, have
my dream kitchen.
348
00:11:29,132 --> 00:11:30,507
Oh, I'm so jealous.
349
00:11:30,508 --> 00:11:32,301
I wish my kitchen
was bee themed.
350
00:11:32,302 --> 00:11:34,011
And I saved money on a designer
351
00:11:34,012 --> 00:11:36,430
by buying this little
stencil kit at Kathy's Crafts
352
00:11:36,431 --> 00:11:38,223
on the other side
of Jenny's Jeans,
353
00:11:38,224 --> 00:11:40,350
and just stenciling
the bees on myself.
354
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,311
I love that you have
bees flying around
355
00:11:42,312 --> 00:11:43,687
on every single cupboard.
356
00:11:43,688 --> 00:11:44,980
I actually did bees flying
357
00:11:44,981 --> 00:11:46,190
around the whole house.
358
00:11:46,191 --> 00:11:48,358
I mean, why not?
I had the stencil.
359
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:49,610
I'm gonna take a picture.
360
00:11:49,611 --> 00:11:51,487
This is so cozy.
- Thanks.
361
00:11:51,488 --> 00:11:52,529
And aw.
362
00:11:52,530 --> 00:11:53,739
I used to have that sign.
363
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:55,073
Don't you love it?
364
00:11:55,074 --> 00:11:56,742
Meg got me that
for Mother's Day.
365
00:11:56,743 --> 00:11:58,285
She and Mark know to only
ever get me something
366
00:11:58,286 --> 00:12:00,245
with a bee on it now, or else.
367
00:12:00,246 --> 00:12:01,663
And how are Meg and Mark?
368
00:12:01,664 --> 00:12:03,165
The same. That reminds me.
369
00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:04,374
How's Brooke?
370
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:06,210
What's she up to now?
- Oh...
371
00:12:06,211 --> 00:12:08,670
Are you sure he can't stay
for seven more minutes?
372
00:12:08,671 --> 00:12:10,380
You know, he's on
right after the break.
373
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:11,632
Sorry. Protocol.
374
00:12:11,633 --> 00:12:12,716
Yes, totally.
375
00:12:12,717 --> 00:12:14,384
Safety is so key.
376
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:15,427
Fuck.
377
00:12:15,428 --> 00:12:16,637
I can't lose my therapist
378
00:12:16,638 --> 00:12:18,388
and my Parkland teen.
379
00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:19,973
Do you know how
humiliating it will be
380
00:12:19,974 --> 00:12:22,100
to have an eight-hour
mental health telethon
381
00:12:22,101 --> 00:12:24,311
without one Parkland kid in it?
382
00:12:24,312 --> 00:12:25,812
Ooh, I know.
383
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:26,939
What if we chloroform her?
384
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:28,440
Oh, my God, Streeter, no.
385
00:12:28,441 --> 00:12:29,775
We can't chloroform
the COVID lady
386
00:12:29,776 --> 00:12:31,443
on my "Night of
Undeniable Good."
387
00:12:31,444 --> 00:12:32,569
Fine.
388
00:12:32,570 --> 00:12:33,862
This
way. This way.
389
00:12:33,863 --> 00:12:35,197
- What?
- Hmm?
390
00:12:35,198 --> 00:12:36,406
- Where are we going?
- I have an idea.
391
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:37,908
I saw a broom closet upstairs.
392
00:12:37,909 --> 00:12:40,410
What if we just...
lock her in it for ten?
393
00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:41,828
Are you out of your mind?
394
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,664
That feels just as bad
as chloroforming her.
395
00:12:43,665 --> 00:12:45,290
No, it's no big deal.
396
00:12:45,291 --> 00:12:46,583
We just lead her in
397
00:12:46,584 --> 00:12:47,876
and let the door
shut behind her.
398
00:12:47,877 --> 00:12:49,461
And then we say, "Oh, no.
399
00:12:49,462 --> 00:12:50,796
"We thought this was him.
400
00:12:50,797 --> 00:12:52,548
Our bad. We'll go get help."
401
00:12:52,549 --> 00:12:55,842
And then we just let her
out right after he speaks.
402
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,135
No harm, no foul.
403
00:12:57,136 --> 00:12:58,095
Sorry.
404
00:12:58,096 --> 00:12:59,137
Excuse me.
405
00:12:59,138 --> 00:13:00,389
His dressing room's up here?
406
00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:01,390
I think so.
407
00:13:01,391 --> 00:13:02,516
Almost there.
408
00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:03,976
You cannot lock a full woman
409
00:13:03,977 --> 00:13:05,936
in a broom closet on
our night of good.
410
00:13:05,937 --> 00:13:07,854
We'd still be doing net good.
411
00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:10,065
It's one woman in a closet
for half of "Seinfeld"
412
00:13:10,066 --> 00:13:13,485
so millions of teens can hear
this Parkland kid's message.
413
00:13:13,486 --> 00:13:15,237
I mean, his speech is beautiful.
414
00:13:15,238 --> 00:13:17,114
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
415
00:13:17,115 --> 00:13:18,657
Breakdown to the stage.
416
00:13:18,658 --> 00:13:21,285
Okay, fine. But
just ten minutes.
417
00:13:21,286 --> 00:13:23,662
Okay, hands in. We're
doing good on three.
418
00:13:23,663 --> 00:13:24,871
One, two, three.
419
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,123
We are doing good.
420
00:13:26,124 --> 00:13:27,624
Okay.
421
00:13:31,713 --> 00:13:33,338
Let's do this.
422
00:13:56,946 --> 00:13:57,904
I feel so stupid.
423
00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,156
No one here is gonna...
424
00:13:59,157 --> 00:14:00,157
Holy shit.
425
00:14:00,158 --> 00:14:01,241
Cary Dubek.
426
00:14:01,242 --> 00:14:02,659
Oh, my God.
427
00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:04,995
Everyone, stop
what you're doing.
428
00:14:04,996 --> 00:14:07,039
Cary Dubek is here.
429
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:07,998
Whoa!
430
00:14:07,999 --> 00:14:08,999
This is like if Brad Pitt
431
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,334
came to his reunion.
432
00:14:10,335 --> 00:14:12,669
Wait. This is
literally the song.
433
00:14:12,670 --> 00:14:14,588
Oh, my God. I can't
believe you came.
434
00:14:14,589 --> 00:14:16,465
- Cary Dubes, dude.
- Yeah.
435
00:14:16,466 --> 00:14:18,175
Wait a minute.
What's going on?
436
00:14:18,176 --> 00:14:19,718
It kind of smells
like piss over here.
437
00:14:19,719 --> 00:14:22,429
Oh, that's for sure me.
438
00:14:22,430 --> 00:14:24,931
I'm literally
covered in piss 24/7.
439
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,350
It's the joy of
having a one-year-old.
440
00:14:26,351 --> 00:14:28,185
Oh.
441
00:14:28,186 --> 00:14:30,437
Wow. Cary Dubek, hi.
442
00:14:30,438 --> 00:14:32,105
Sorry. Can I get a pic?
443
00:14:32,106 --> 00:14:33,690
My wife and I love "WindWeaver,"
444
00:14:33,691 --> 00:14:35,651
and now you're the full star?
445
00:14:35,652 --> 00:14:36,777
Thank you.
446
00:14:36,778 --> 00:14:37,944
That's so nice.
447
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:44,743
But, um, uh, ah, are, ew.
448
00:14:44,744 --> 00:14:46,495
Sorry. What's that, Cary?
449
00:14:46,496 --> 00:14:48,580
Uh, ow are you?
450
00:14:48,581 --> 00:14:51,208
Oh. I think he's
asking how we are.
451
00:14:51,209 --> 00:14:52,668
Yeah. Sorry.
452
00:14:52,669 --> 00:14:54,795
Oh, no. We see
each other 24/7.
453
00:14:54,796 --> 00:14:56,338
I'm sick of hearing
about these people.
454
00:14:56,339 --> 00:14:58,840
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
455
00:14:58,841 --> 00:15:00,050
So wait.
456
00:15:00,051 --> 00:15:01,968
You just want me to
talk about myself
457
00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:04,012
all night?
458
00:15:04,013 --> 00:15:05,722
Yes!
459
00:15:05,723 --> 00:15:08,725
I mean, if you insist.
460
00:15:11,729 --> 00:15:13,021
Thank you, John Legend.
461
00:15:13,022 --> 00:15:14,690
Another B-plus.
462
00:15:14,691 --> 00:15:17,192
And now, a quick announcement
for all you at home.
463
00:15:17,193 --> 00:15:19,653
Starting now, if you
tweet about the show
464
00:15:19,654 --> 00:15:22,072
using the hashtag
#ANightOfUndeniableGood,
465
00:15:22,073 --> 00:15:23,865
you will get one
month of therapy
466
00:15:23,866 --> 00:15:25,242
courtesy of BetterHealth.
467
00:15:25,243 --> 00:15:26,785
So tell all your
mentally ill friends
468
00:15:26,786 --> 00:15:28,787
to tune in and tweet,
and let's make this
469
00:15:28,788 --> 00:15:31,665
the most-watched telethon ever.
470
00:15:31,666 --> 00:15:33,834
Okay, we'll be right
back after the break
471
00:15:33,835 --> 00:15:36,753
with insert name of whatever
Parkland teen we get.
472
00:15:36,754 --> 00:15:38,422
Okay. Set's right this way.
473
00:15:38,423 --> 00:15:39,798
Follow us.
474
00:15:39,799 --> 00:15:41,466
I'm trying. You're
just going really fast.
475
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:42,759
Well, we're just
eager to get you
476
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:43,802
out there to tell your story.
477
00:15:43,803 --> 00:15:44,928
- Hello?
- Hey.
478
00:15:44,929 --> 00:15:46,096
Is COVID lady still in there?
479
00:15:46,097 --> 00:15:47,931
Mm-hmm. Help's on
the way. Sorry.
480
00:15:47,932 --> 00:15:49,808
We really thought this
was his dressing room.
481
00:15:49,809 --> 00:15:51,309
- Okay.
- I feel so weird
482
00:15:51,310 --> 00:15:52,310
about this, Brooke.
483
00:15:52,311 --> 00:15:53,437
Like, that Parkland kid
484
00:15:53,438 --> 00:15:54,438
does have COVID.
- No.
485
00:15:54,439 --> 00:15:55,981
Do not get cold feet now.
486
00:15:55,982 --> 00:15:58,483
Plus, who can he hurt
in the next minute?
487
00:15:58,484 --> 00:15:59,943
Hi. Sia?
488
00:15:59,944 --> 00:16:01,319
I'm such a huge fan.
489
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,946
"Rolling In The Deep" is
one of my favorite songs.
490
00:16:02,947 --> 00:16:05,282
Fuck. He's giving Sia COVID.
491
00:16:05,283 --> 00:16:06,533
Hey. Hey, bud?
492
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:07,617
Let's just keep it moving, okay?
493
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:08,994
I'm sure Sia is very busy.
494
00:16:08,995 --> 00:16:10,454
Can I maybe give you a hug?
495
00:16:10,455 --> 00:16:11,663
- No, no.
- No.
496
00:16:11,664 --> 00:16:12,831
You know what? It's fine.
497
00:16:12,832 --> 00:16:14,291
Everyone has to be vaccinated,
498
00:16:14,292 --> 00:16:15,792
so even if she does get
it, it'll be a cold.
499
00:16:15,793 --> 00:16:16,835
She's young.
- Right.
500
00:16:16,836 --> 00:16:18,128
And is this your grandma?
501
00:16:18,129 --> 00:16:19,296
I have to give you a hug, too.
502
00:16:19,297 --> 00:16:20,297
Oh, my God.
503
00:16:20,298 --> 00:16:22,799
We killed Sia's grandma.
504
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,384
Streeter, quit being psycho.
505
00:16:24,385 --> 00:16:25,802
Oh, please don't say psycho.
506
00:16:25,803 --> 00:16:26,970
God, can someone
507
00:16:26,971 --> 00:16:28,472
please put a bell on them?
508
00:16:28,473 --> 00:16:29,973
Shit. He's on in 10 seconds.
509
00:16:29,974 --> 00:16:31,349
Uh... uh...
510
00:16:32,977 --> 00:16:34,311
Grandma, stay away from the boy.
511
00:16:34,312 --> 00:16:35,479
Step back, Grandma.
512
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,980
- What? What?
- Up we go.
513
00:16:36,981 --> 00:16:38,440
No, no. Don't worry.
514
00:16:38,441 --> 00:16:40,025
We're all doing good.
We're doing good here.
515
00:16:40,026 --> 00:16:41,067
- This is good.
- Okay.
516
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:42,444
Good coming through.
517
00:16:42,445 --> 00:16:43,695
- What he's doing is good.
- It's all good!
518
00:16:43,696 --> 00:16:45,197
And now, a moving message
519
00:16:45,198 --> 00:16:47,950
from Parkland survivor
Cameron Kasky.
520
00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:51,119
Thank you, Chase.
521
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,205
As many of you may
know...
522
00:16:53,206 --> 00:16:54,706
Hi.
523
00:16:54,707 --> 00:16:57,751
We have a problem
with Ben Platt.
524
00:16:57,752 --> 00:16:59,711
What the fuck?
525
00:16:59,712 --> 00:17:00,837
God.
526
00:17:00,838 --> 00:17:02,589
You are just so famous now.
527
00:17:02,590 --> 00:17:04,424
And it makes sense. I
remember in high school,
528
00:17:04,425 --> 00:17:07,219
you won "Most likely to
win an Academy Award."
529
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:08,345
I did?
530
00:17:08,346 --> 00:17:09,679
I don't even remember that.
531
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,598
God, I don't know what I won.
532
00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,975
Well, I got "most likely
to succeed," which is sad,
533
00:17:13,976 --> 00:17:15,310
'cause now I'm a dentist,
534
00:17:15,311 --> 00:17:16,686
which is nothing
compared to Cary.
535
00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:19,731
Oh, being a dentist
isn't nothing.
536
00:17:19,732 --> 00:17:22,025
Yes, it is. It's
truly nothing.
537
00:17:23,820 --> 00:17:26,988
Seriously, I tell everyone
I was in "Grease" with you.
538
00:17:26,989 --> 00:17:28,490
Oh, that's sweet.
539
00:17:28,491 --> 00:17:30,700
Are you still acting?
- Oh, no.
540
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,244
I do marketing for
a local theater now,
541
00:17:32,245 --> 00:17:34,371
which is nice, 'cause
the hours are flexible,
542
00:17:34,372 --> 00:17:35,789
but it's still creative.
543
00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:38,333
God, this must sound
so small time to you.
544
00:17:38,334 --> 00:17:41,044
No. Please, you
are not small time.
545
00:17:41,045 --> 00:17:42,838
Yes, she is. She
is small, I am big.
546
00:17:42,839 --> 00:17:45,215
And, hey. I'm so
happy you're out now.
547
00:17:45,216 --> 00:17:48,051
I had no idea you were
closeted in school.
548
00:17:48,052 --> 00:17:49,219
It must have been so hard.
549
00:17:49,220 --> 00:17:51,972
No, no. And now, I'm winning.
550
00:17:51,973 --> 00:17:53,850
So let's go back
to how I'm winning.
551
00:17:57,478 --> 00:17:58,562
- Hi.
- Hey.
552
00:17:58,563 --> 00:17:59,563
Wow.
553
00:17:59,564 --> 00:18:00,730
Hey, Owen?
554
00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:02,232
So cool you're here.
555
00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:03,400
Great to see you.
556
00:18:03,401 --> 00:18:04,901
Yeah. I wasn't gonna come,
557
00:18:04,902 --> 00:18:07,737
but I just got some insane news.
558
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:09,739
- What?
- I'm gonna be...
559
00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:11,908
an understudy on Broadway.
560
00:18:11,909 --> 00:18:14,244
Wow. That's so cool.
561
00:18:14,245 --> 00:18:15,787
You should talk to Cary Dubek
562
00:18:15,788 --> 00:18:17,247
since you guys are, like,
in the same industry.
563
00:18:17,248 --> 00:18:18,915
Hey, yo, Dubes.
564
00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:21,084
Wait. You came? Fuck!
565
00:18:21,085 --> 00:18:22,919
I can't be the second
most successful gay
566
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,922
at this reunion.
That's fucking nothing.
567
00:18:25,923 --> 00:18:28,466
No. Gosh.
568
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:30,927
We're
having a great time.
569
00:18:30,928 --> 00:18:32,095
Jesus.
570
00:18:32,096 --> 00:18:34,014
This is the best
night of my life.
571
00:18:34,015 --> 00:18:36,766
I may need to sing again.
572
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,310
Shit. But we already announced
573
00:18:38,311 --> 00:18:41,646
their company's $100-million
donation on air.
574
00:18:41,647 --> 00:18:43,398
But that was before the
company CEO found out
575
00:18:43,399 --> 00:18:45,108
there was a gay
person on the show.
576
00:18:45,109 --> 00:18:47,152
And he's crazy
conservative, and he says
577
00:18:47,153 --> 00:18:49,404
that if we let
Ben Platt perform,
578
00:18:49,405 --> 00:18:51,114
he'll take their money back.
579
00:18:51,115 --> 00:18:52,741
I'm so sorry.
- Well, thank you.
580
00:18:52,742 --> 00:18:54,492
Where are you going?
- Fuck.
581
00:18:54,493 --> 00:18:55,827
Doing good is impossible.
582
00:18:55,828 --> 00:18:57,996
No wonder I didn't
do it for 35 years.
583
00:18:57,997 --> 00:18:59,331
Okay, so what do we do?
584
00:18:59,332 --> 00:19:01,249
Let me just try
and go talk to him.
585
00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:02,417
Right.
586
00:19:02,418 --> 00:19:04,586
I mean, listen, I hate gays too.
587
00:19:04,587 --> 00:19:06,171
Penises in butts?
588
00:19:06,172 --> 00:19:08,256
How and why, sir?
589
00:19:08,257 --> 00:19:09,841
They're the ones who
are mentally ill.
590
00:19:09,842 --> 00:19:11,259
Am I right?
591
00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:13,762
It's just that Ben's
already here, you know,
592
00:19:13,763 --> 00:19:18,600
so let's just... let
him do his little song.
593
00:19:18,601 --> 00:19:21,811
Sorry. But I won't
budge on this.
594
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:23,313
I mean, can you believe it?
595
00:19:23,314 --> 00:19:25,690
He will take his money
back if you perform.
596
00:19:25,691 --> 00:19:27,651
Jesus. That is so shitty.
597
00:19:27,652 --> 00:19:28,568
I know.
598
00:19:28,569 --> 00:19:32,822
So obviously, you...
599
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,824
Are going out there,
more determined than ever
600
00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:36,160
to not be silenced.
601
00:19:37,703 --> 00:19:40,330
Yas, queen.
602
00:19:40,331 --> 00:19:42,707
Fucking gay people. Fuck.
603
00:19:42,708 --> 00:19:45,001
Okay, I know. What
if we chloroform him?
604
00:19:45,002 --> 00:19:47,170
No. Let's just game this out.
605
00:19:47,171 --> 00:19:49,005
- All right.
- We can't tell Ben to leave,
606
00:19:49,006 --> 00:19:50,382
'cause that would look bad.
- Yeah.
607
00:19:50,383 --> 00:19:51,925
Plus, mental health does affect
608
00:19:51,926 --> 00:19:53,426
the LGBTQ community,
609
00:19:53,427 --> 00:19:55,470
so it is good to have
a gay person on this.
610
00:19:55,471 --> 00:19:57,263
Representation is worth so much.
611
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,974
But is it worth $100 million?
612
00:19:58,975 --> 00:20:01,810
- I don't know.
- Like, if it was 5 or 10...
613
00:20:01,811 --> 00:20:03,561
- Brooke, hey.
- Hi.
614
00:20:03,562 --> 00:20:05,689
I had an idea. What
if we do a thing
615
00:20:05,690 --> 00:20:07,440
where, every time someone
buys my last album,
616
00:20:07,441 --> 00:20:08,858
they get a month
of free therapy?
617
00:20:08,859 --> 00:20:10,902
What? Absolutely
not. That's gross.
618
00:20:10,903 --> 00:20:13,238
But we just said if people
tweet about this show,
619
00:20:13,239 --> 00:20:14,739
they get a month of therapy.
What's the difference?
620
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:16,533
Well, Bud, you'd be doing it
621
00:20:16,534 --> 00:20:18,618
to help album
sales, which is bad.
622
00:20:18,619 --> 00:20:21,079
But I'm doing it to
help promote this show
623
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,040
that helps the whole
world, which is good.
624
00:20:24,041 --> 00:20:25,291
So...
625
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:26,334
No, yeah.
626
00:20:26,335 --> 00:20:27,544
Yeah, right.
627
00:20:27,545 --> 00:20:29,713
Sorry for asking.
628
00:20:29,714 --> 00:20:30,755
Okay.
629
00:20:30,756 --> 00:20:32,298
I know what we're gonna do.
630
00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:33,591
We're gonna accidentally
lock Ben Platt
631
00:20:33,592 --> 00:20:35,093
in the broom closet, too.
632
00:20:35,094 --> 00:20:36,553
Okay.
633
00:20:36,554 --> 00:20:38,304
Yeah, I mean, I've had
an agent for a while,
634
00:20:38,305 --> 00:20:40,640
but now I have a
lawyer and a manager.
635
00:20:40,641 --> 00:20:42,642
That is so crazy.
636
00:20:42,643 --> 00:20:44,394
I have none of that.
637
00:20:44,395 --> 00:20:45,687
♪ It's happening ♪
638
00:20:45,688 --> 00:20:47,188
♪ Look how they fawn ♪
639
00:20:47,189 --> 00:20:49,482
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
640
00:20:49,483 --> 00:20:51,735
- Wow.
- Yeah, we shoot in Croatia,
641
00:20:51,736 --> 00:20:54,529
but luckily, they
have to fly me first.
642
00:20:54,530 --> 00:20:55,905
Lucky.
643
00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:57,407
We did a friend trip
to Hawaii last year,
644
00:20:57,408 --> 00:20:59,242
and we were in the
very last row of coach.
645
00:20:59,243 --> 00:21:00,368
Aw.
646
00:21:00,369 --> 00:21:02,037
♪ It's happening ♪
647
00:21:02,038 --> 00:21:03,455
♪ I am their god ♪
648
00:21:03,456 --> 00:21:05,498
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
649
00:21:05,499 --> 00:21:08,168
Hey, would you mind
FaceTiming my brother-in-law?
650
00:21:08,169 --> 00:21:10,003
He's a huge fan.
651
00:21:10,004 --> 00:21:11,755
My brother-in-law's also a fan.
652
00:21:11,756 --> 00:21:13,423
Girls, girls, there
is plenty of me
653
00:21:13,424 --> 00:21:16,176
for every brother-in-law.
654
00:21:16,177 --> 00:21:18,219
♪ Their lives were
empty before I came ♪
655
00:21:18,220 --> 00:21:21,514
♪ 'Cause they're just
people, but I have fame ♪
656
00:21:21,515 --> 00:21:23,600
Aw.
- Already?
657
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:25,268
But I guess I do need
to relieve the sitter.
658
00:21:25,269 --> 00:21:26,770
And what time is
soccer tomorrow?
659
00:21:26,771 --> 00:21:28,271
- Drinks on Thursday, right?
- Love you.
660
00:21:28,272 --> 00:21:30,273
♪ They'll never forget
this epic night ♪
661
00:21:30,274 --> 00:21:31,775
It was so great seeing you.
662
00:21:31,776 --> 00:21:34,611
♪ I hope when I leave,
they will be all right ♪
663
00:21:34,612 --> 00:21:36,362
I think we can all safely say,
664
00:21:36,363 --> 00:21:38,114
you won this reunion, bro.
665
00:21:38,115 --> 00:21:39,949
♪ Tonight was just
how I hoped it'd be ♪
666
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:42,118
♪ Add this to the list
of successes for me ♪
667
00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:50,119
♪ The gay has come home ♪
668
00:21:50,669 --> 00:21:57,802
♪ And won the night ♪
669
00:21:58,803 --> 00:21:59,887
Ha!
670
00:22:33,337 --> 00:22:35,756
Let's see.
671
00:22:38,551 --> 00:22:40,510
That's why we call it
wine o'clock Zumba.
672
00:22:40,511 --> 00:22:43,346
- Food's here from Pat's fave.
- Yum-yum!
673
00:22:43,347 --> 00:22:45,974
I have been dreaming
about El Pancho Taqueria.
674
00:22:45,975 --> 00:22:49,561
That's 'cause nobody does
Mexican like Tony and Mike.
675
00:22:49,562 --> 00:22:52,438
Anyway, you have to come
back next summer, too,
676
00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:54,023
so you can pontoon.
677
00:22:54,024 --> 00:22:57,193
Oh, 100%. I will
be on that pontoon.
678
00:22:57,194 --> 00:22:59,195
We thought it was gonna
be a hassle having one.
679
00:22:59,196 --> 00:23:00,864
You know, taking it
out in the winter.
680
00:23:00,865 --> 00:23:03,575
But you just pay one fee,
and the marina does it all.
681
00:23:03,576 --> 00:23:05,368
- Love that.
- But if you do go, Pat,
682
00:23:05,369 --> 00:23:08,997
do not let Robin pull
you on that tube.
683
00:23:08,998 --> 00:23:12,375
She nearly broke my
neck she went so fast.
684
00:23:12,376 --> 00:23:14,461
You just had one too
many Kim Crawfords.
685
00:23:14,462 --> 00:23:16,087
Uh, it was the weekend.
686
00:23:16,088 --> 00:23:18,923
There's no such thing
as one too many Kim Cs.
687
00:23:18,924 --> 00:23:21,050
I'm on her side.
688
00:23:21,051 --> 00:23:23,720
And speaking of,
I just wanna say,
689
00:23:23,721 --> 00:23:25,805
thank you so much
for having me back.
690
00:23:25,806 --> 00:23:28,099
This has truly been
the perfect day.
691
00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:29,726
Melanie, let the COVID lady out.
692
00:23:29,727 --> 00:23:31,227
We need the closet
for Ben Platt.
693
00:23:31,228 --> 00:23:32,562
Wait. What?
694
00:23:32,563 --> 00:23:33,938
Okay.
695
00:23:33,939 --> 00:23:36,232
Hi, ma'am. I am so
sorry about the mix-up.
696
00:23:36,233 --> 00:23:38,484
We... wait. Where did she go?
697
00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:40,403
Oh, my God.
698
00:23:40,404 --> 00:23:42,071
I think she escaped
through the vents.
699
00:23:42,072 --> 00:23:44,407
What? There's a
lady in the vents
700
00:23:44,408 --> 00:23:46,242
on my "Night of
Undeniable Good"?
701
00:23:46,243 --> 00:23:48,161
It absolutely appears so.
702
00:23:48,162 --> 00:23:49,329
Ugh!
703
00:23:49,330 --> 00:23:50,788
So if we can't throw
Ben in a closet,
704
00:23:50,789 --> 00:23:52,081
how else are we
gonna distract him
705
00:23:52,082 --> 00:23:53,583
so he misses his performance?
706
00:23:53,584 --> 00:23:55,501
Well, I know you're
gonna be mad, but...
707
00:23:55,502 --> 00:23:56,920
Streeter, no chloroform.
708
00:23:56,921 --> 00:23:58,087
Now think.
709
00:23:58,088 --> 00:24:00,298
How else can we
distract a gay man?
710
00:24:00,299 --> 00:24:01,257
Oh, my God.
711
00:24:01,258 --> 00:24:03,801
Brooke, I'm a daddy.
712
00:24:07,848 --> 00:24:09,307
Hey, twink.
- Excuse me?
713
00:24:09,308 --> 00:24:10,934
What do you say we blow
off this fundraiser
714
00:24:10,935 --> 00:24:13,436
and I go...
715
00:24:13,437 --> 00:24:16,439
step on your bones,
or break your neck?
716
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,774
Or is it legs?
717
00:24:17,775 --> 00:24:19,150
I'm going to... I'm going to...
718
00:24:19,151 --> 00:24:21,736
I will break any
bone in your body
719
00:24:21,737 --> 00:24:23,447
that you want me to break.
720
00:24:24,907 --> 00:24:27,325
Well, Ben Platt filed a
sexual harassment complaint
721
00:24:27,326 --> 00:24:29,953
against you, so I guess I
have to fire you now, too?
722
00:24:29,954 --> 00:24:31,788
Okay, but this is great.
723
00:24:31,789 --> 00:24:34,290
This means he isn't gay, or
he would have loved that.
724
00:24:34,291 --> 00:24:36,417
- Oh, just go.
- Brooke!
725
00:24:36,418 --> 00:24:39,295
Sorry, but Ben's
on in 15 minutes.
726
00:24:39,296 --> 00:24:40,588
Fuck.
727
00:24:40,589 --> 00:24:42,799
I can't lose $100 million.
728
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,218
I know.
729
00:24:47,388 --> 00:24:50,473
Maybe Streeter was right?
730
00:24:50,474 --> 00:24:54,561
Maybe we do chloroform him?
731
00:24:56,897 --> 00:25:00,734
I actually saw some
in the broom closet.
732
00:25:12,830 --> 00:25:14,706
Refinance today,
and your new loan
733
00:25:14,707 --> 00:25:16,666
could save you
hundreds of dollars.
734
00:25:16,667 --> 00:25:18,751
And get one of our certified
pre-owns at Akron Auto World,
735
00:25:18,752 --> 00:25:20,795
home of the most enormous
American flag you've
736
00:25:20,796 --> 00:25:22,506
ever seen in your goddamn...
737
00:25:25,843 --> 00:25:28,220
Where is the turnoff?
738
00:26:11,722 --> 00:26:14,265
What the fuck? Did I
just miss the turnoff?
739
00:26:14,266 --> 00:26:16,810
And why does it smell
like full piss in here?
740
00:26:18,354 --> 00:26:19,896
- Okay, but like...
- Uh-huh.
741
00:26:19,897 --> 00:26:21,731
It's good that we're
chloroforming Ben Pratt,
742
00:26:21,732 --> 00:26:23,608
because this money can
help a lot of people.
743
00:26:23,609 --> 00:26:26,194
And he said he was
tired when he got here,
744
00:26:26,195 --> 00:26:28,446
so he'll just think he
slept through his song.
745
00:26:28,447 --> 00:26:30,323
Plus, I already have
the "Hamilton" cast
746
00:26:30,324 --> 00:26:31,824
ready to go on instead.
747
00:26:31,825 --> 00:26:32,992
They're gonna sing "The
Room Where It Happens,"
748
00:26:32,993 --> 00:26:34,118
but in this version,
749
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:35,745
the room is a
therapist's office.
750
00:26:35,746 --> 00:26:36,788
Ew.
751
00:26:36,789 --> 00:26:37,872
Maybe it's worth $100 million
752
00:26:37,873 --> 00:26:39,123
to not hear that.
753
00:26:39,124 --> 00:26:41,042
Also, like, what if
we kill Ben Platt?
754
00:26:41,043 --> 00:26:43,461
Oh, my God. We're not
gonna kill Ben Platt.
755
00:26:43,462 --> 00:26:44,963
Just focus.
756
00:26:45,964 --> 00:26:47,716
We are doing this for good.
757
00:26:49,093 --> 00:26:51,469
But if you ever say
anything about the good
758
00:26:51,470 --> 00:26:54,806
that we did here,
I will end you.
759
00:26:54,807 --> 00:26:56,516
Okay, fine.
760
00:26:56,517 --> 00:26:57,768
Let's do this.
761
00:27:01,814 --> 00:27:03,523
Hi.
762
00:27:03,524 --> 00:27:04,941
Hey. What's up?
763
00:27:04,942 --> 00:27:06,275
Do you think that...
764
00:27:06,276 --> 00:27:08,778
Just stay there, because...
765
00:27:08,779 --> 00:27:10,363
We just wanna...
766
00:27:12,991 --> 00:27:14,409
- Oh, my...
- Oh, my God!
767
00:27:14,410 --> 00:27:16,869
Jesus Christ. Are you okay?
768
00:27:16,870 --> 00:27:18,204
- Oh.
- Hey, girl,
769
00:27:18,205 --> 00:27:20,706
aw, we just sent the
maintenance man up.
770
00:27:20,707 --> 00:27:21,999
Who the fuck is this?
771
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,293
Oh, are you Ben Platt?
772
00:27:24,294 --> 00:27:26,462
Yes.
773
00:27:26,463 --> 00:27:28,840
Well, you have COVID and
need to leave immediately.
774
00:27:28,841 --> 00:27:30,633
- I... what?
- Wait, what?
775
00:27:30,634 --> 00:27:32,844
- Yeah.
- Yes!
776
00:27:32,845 --> 00:27:34,554
I mean, no.
777
00:27:34,555 --> 00:27:35,555
He does?
778
00:27:35,556 --> 00:27:36,973
Oh, so he can't perform?
779
00:27:36,974 --> 00:27:38,641
He can't perform,
and it's his fault.
780
00:27:38,642 --> 00:27:40,268
Fuck. This sucks.
781
00:27:40,269 --> 00:27:42,186
I feel like I'm letting the
whole gay community down.
782
00:27:42,187 --> 00:27:43,604
You are.
783
00:27:43,605 --> 00:27:45,815
You are letting them down.
784
00:27:45,816 --> 00:27:49,360
Melanie, girl, we
fucking did it.
785
00:27:49,361 --> 00:27:50,486
Fuck!
786
00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:51,780
Okay.
787
00:27:55,742 --> 00:27:57,243
Hi, can I use your
bathroom, please?
788
00:27:57,244 --> 00:27:58,703
- It's out of order.
- That's okay.
789
00:27:58,704 --> 00:28:00,831
I just need the bathroom room.
790
00:28:02,291 --> 00:28:04,917
Why do you need
the bathroom room?
791
00:28:04,918 --> 00:28:06,335
'Cause I'm wearing
a fucking diaper,
792
00:28:06,336 --> 00:28:07,753
and I need to take it off.
793
00:28:07,754 --> 00:28:09,213
Yep. I've been
sitting in my own piss
794
00:28:09,214 --> 00:28:11,174
for the last six
hours, so may I please
795
00:28:11,175 --> 00:28:12,675
just use your bathroom room
796
00:28:12,676 --> 00:28:14,970
so I can take off
my diaper, kind sir?
797
00:28:17,014 --> 00:28:18,514
Sounds like you had
a pretty rough night.
798
00:28:18,515 --> 00:28:19,849
It's actually one
of the best nights
799
00:28:19,850 --> 00:28:21,018
of my entire life.
800
00:28:44,416 --> 00:28:45,709
Ugh.
801
00:28:47,252 --> 00:28:48,504
God.
802
00:29:11,944 --> 00:29:14,321
What? Is there no
service in here?
803
00:29:20,827 --> 00:29:22,454
Fuck.
804
00:29:29,169 --> 00:29:33,339
Come on.
805
00:29:33,340 --> 00:29:34,591
Fuck.
806
00:29:36,552 --> 00:29:38,679
What the fucking fuck?
807
00:29:40,347 --> 00:29:42,765
Well, this night sucked my ass.
808
00:29:42,766 --> 00:29:45,643
Yeah. That was 100%
cuckoo bananas.
809
00:29:45,644 --> 00:29:48,187
Oh, yeah, please don't
say "cuckoo bananas."
810
00:29:48,188 --> 00:29:49,438
Just kidding. Have
a great night.
811
00:29:49,439 --> 00:29:50,606
Okay.
812
00:29:50,607 --> 00:29:52,108
Oh! Watch where you're going,
813
00:29:52,109 --> 00:29:53,276
you fucking psycho.
814
00:29:53,277 --> 00:29:54,694
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, but hey,
815
00:29:54,695 --> 00:29:55,987
this might cheer you up.
816
00:29:55,988 --> 00:29:57,446
Chase's album is
number one on iTunes.
817
00:29:57,447 --> 00:29:58,614
Wait. What?
818
00:29:58,615 --> 00:30:00,074
What do you mean?
- Yeah.
819
00:30:00,075 --> 00:30:01,617
He tweeted he'd give a
free month of therapy
820
00:30:01,618 --> 00:30:03,119
to anyone who bought
his last album,
821
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:04,579
and this whole country is sick,
822
00:30:04,580 --> 00:30:06,455
so it went straight
to number one.
823
00:30:06,456 --> 00:30:08,040
Kind of smart. Well...
824
00:30:08,041 --> 00:30:09,458
Wait. No.
825
00:30:09,459 --> 00:30:11,627
I specifically told
him not to do that,
826
00:30:11,628 --> 00:30:14,422
and he just did anyway? Fuck.
827
00:30:14,423 --> 00:30:17,091
The whole reason we pivoted
him to mental health
828
00:30:17,092 --> 00:30:19,635
was so that people wouldn't
think he was bad anymore.
829
00:30:19,636 --> 00:30:21,804
But then he does
this shit thing?
830
00:30:21,805 --> 00:30:23,055
Ugh!
831
00:30:23,056 --> 00:30:26,726
Why is it so hard to do good?
832
00:30:26,727 --> 00:30:28,686
Okay, if you do think that,
833
00:30:28,687 --> 00:30:32,148
I wouldn't look
behind you right now.
834
00:30:39,698 --> 00:30:43,285
What in the actual fuck?
835
00:30:48,707 --> 00:30:49,749
Hi.
836
00:30:49,750 --> 00:30:51,000
Can I use your bathroom, please?
837
00:30:51,001 --> 00:30:52,543
Another one?
838
00:30:52,544 --> 00:30:54,503
Right. Totally forgot.
839
00:30:54,504 --> 00:30:56,047
It's reunion season.
840
00:30:56,048 --> 00:30:59,175
There's actually another
diaper guy in there now, but...
841
00:30:59,176 --> 00:31:00,844
We should probably check on him.
842
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:02,678
How are you doing?
843
00:31:02,679 --> 00:31:05,389
My own piss in my eyes.
844
00:31:05,390 --> 00:31:06,975
Oh, god.
845
00:31:08,727 --> 00:31:10,811
I can...
846
00:31:10,812 --> 00:31:12,272
I can take it from here.
847
00:31:15,067 --> 00:31:17,818
I don't know. I
don't... I'm lost.
848
00:31:17,819 --> 00:31:21,155
I'm, like, fucking lost.
849
00:31:21,156 --> 00:31:23,324
Yeah, no. I'm lost too.
850
00:31:23,325 --> 00:31:26,160
No. I think I'm,
like, lost lost.
851
00:31:26,161 --> 00:31:27,953
Like, I just had
this great night,
852
00:31:27,954 --> 00:31:33,542
and immediately, I don't know,
left and just felt unhappy...
853
00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:35,461
Or, like, not happy,
854
00:31:35,462 --> 00:31:37,088
and I don't know why.
855
00:31:37,089 --> 00:31:38,381
Like, I am the star
856
00:31:38,382 --> 00:31:39,632
of the number-one
show on Netflix
857
00:31:39,633 --> 00:31:41,175
without puppies shopping.
858
00:31:41,176 --> 00:31:44,887
So why do I feel like
I'm about to fucking cry?
859
00:31:44,888 --> 00:31:47,390
I feel lost lost, too,
860
00:31:47,391 --> 00:31:50,267
which is insane, 'cause I
have Kamala's phone number.
861
00:31:50,268 --> 00:31:53,646
Like, if I called her
now, she'd answer.
862
00:31:53,647 --> 00:31:56,399
It's just like I have
everything I ever wanted.
863
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,150
So what am I missing?
864
00:31:58,151 --> 00:32:00,361
Like what else am I looking for?
865
00:32:03,657 --> 00:32:08,577
Oh, one of my classmates is
videoing me on Instagram.
866
00:32:08,578 --> 00:32:10,454
So weird.
867
00:32:10,455 --> 00:32:14,083
One of my classmates
is videoing me, too.
868
00:32:14,084 --> 00:32:15,334
Hello?
- Hello.
869
00:32:15,335 --> 00:32:16,585
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
870
00:32:16,586 --> 00:32:17,670
He picked up. Shut up.
871
00:32:17,671 --> 00:32:18,671
Hi. It's Alicia.
872
00:32:18,672 --> 00:32:20,005
Sorry.
873
00:32:20,006 --> 00:32:21,424
I don't mean to be
a full stalker...
874
00:32:21,425 --> 00:32:22,508
Yes, we do.
875
00:32:22,509 --> 00:32:23,509
We were just talking
876
00:32:23,510 --> 00:32:25,052
about how you won
877
00:32:25,053 --> 00:32:26,595
"most likely to win
an Academy Award."
878
00:32:26,596 --> 00:32:27,763
So we got out Jesse's yearbook,
879
00:32:27,764 --> 00:32:29,306
and guess what I won.
880
00:32:29,307 --> 00:32:30,766
- Wait for it.
- "Most likely to win
881
00:32:30,767 --> 00:32:32,768
an Academy Award
for Best Actress."
882
00:32:34,312 --> 00:32:36,439
So you should feel really
good about yourself
883
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:38,482
because I'm a literal
dog walker now.
884
00:32:38,483 --> 00:32:40,651
- Thank you.
- Wait.
885
00:32:40,652 --> 00:32:41,902
Cary, what are you doing now?
886
00:32:41,903 --> 00:32:42,945
Want to come hang?
887
00:32:42,946 --> 00:32:44,447
I mean, I'm sure, no,
888
00:32:44,448 --> 00:32:46,073
'cause you're fully famous
889
00:32:46,074 --> 00:32:47,450
and we're just, like,
watching "Survivor."
890
00:32:47,451 --> 00:32:48,784
Oh, I thought only gay people
891
00:32:48,785 --> 00:32:50,161
watched "Survivor" now.
- What?
892
00:32:50,162 --> 00:32:51,662
I think everyone does.
893
00:32:51,663 --> 00:32:53,664
Anyway, it's just
a cazh friend hang,
894
00:32:53,665 --> 00:32:55,750
if you want to come.
- Yes, come!
895
00:32:55,751 --> 00:32:57,418
- Come on, Dubes.
- Max, Max, Max.
896
00:32:57,419 --> 00:32:59,378
You gotta come.
It's a friend hang.
897
00:32:59,379 --> 00:33:00,629
Okay, no, let's let him go.
898
00:33:00,630 --> 00:33:01,672
But come if you want.
899
00:33:01,673 --> 00:33:03,340
I'll DM you the address.
900
00:33:03,341 --> 00:33:05,259
Okay. Great. Great.
901
00:33:05,260 --> 00:33:06,970
I appreciate it.
902
00:33:09,890 --> 00:33:13,685
God, it's so obvious
what I've been missing.
903
00:33:14,770 --> 00:33:16,938
It's so clear what I need.
904
00:33:18,398 --> 00:33:22,651
Hey, would you want to
get a drink as frien...
905
00:33:22,652 --> 00:33:23,986
Wait, what?
906
00:33:23,987 --> 00:33:25,404
Mackenzie,
907
00:33:25,405 --> 00:33:27,490
I need to win the Academy Award
908
00:33:27,491 --> 00:33:29,867
for Best Actor in
a Motion Picture.
909
00:33:35,540 --> 00:33:36,665
Good night, Pat.
910
00:33:36,666 --> 00:33:38,293
Good night, Lisa.
911
00:33:52,182 --> 00:33:54,934
Wazzup?
912
00:33:54,935 --> 00:33:56,352
I'm not here. Leave a message
913
00:33:56,353 --> 00:34:00,648
after the beep.
914
00:34:00,649 --> 00:34:03,943
Hey, I tried calling you,
but you didn't pick up.
915
00:34:03,944 --> 00:34:07,029
And I just wanted to let
you know about my day.
916
00:34:07,030 --> 00:34:08,989
My friend picked me
up from the airport,
917
00:34:08,990 --> 00:34:10,783
and we went shopping
918
00:34:10,784 --> 00:34:14,912
and then got ice cream and
fed the ducks in the park,
919
00:34:14,913 --> 00:34:16,914
then went back to her
house and ordered dinner
920
00:34:16,915 --> 00:34:19,542
with some other friends.
921
00:34:19,543 --> 00:34:21,794
And the whole time,
the whole day,
922
00:34:21,795 --> 00:34:24,171
I just kept thinking,
923
00:34:24,172 --> 00:34:26,924
"I am so fucking bored."
924
00:34:29,010 --> 00:34:33,264
I just... I was so excited
to come back, but I...
925
00:34:33,265 --> 00:34:36,767
I hated every minute of it.
926
00:34:36,768 --> 00:34:39,228
Everything we did, I
thought, "How much longer
927
00:34:39,229 --> 00:34:40,604
do I have to do this for?"
928
00:34:40,605 --> 00:34:42,314
All afternoon, if you want.
929
00:34:42,315 --> 00:34:45,568
We walked through town,
and I found it small.
930
00:34:45,569 --> 00:34:46,944
We bought clothes
I used to wear,
931
00:34:46,945 --> 00:34:48,904
and I felt foolish in them.
932
00:34:48,905 --> 00:34:51,115
- Pat's fave.
- And everything we ate
933
00:34:51,116 --> 00:34:52,575
was so awful.
934
00:34:52,576 --> 00:34:53,909
I was embarrassed to be putting
935
00:34:53,910 --> 00:34:56,328
food like that in my mouth.
936
00:34:56,329 --> 00:34:59,540
And the houses were so ugly.
937
00:34:59,541 --> 00:35:01,000
These people should be in jail
938
00:35:01,001 --> 00:35:02,418
for what their houses look like.
939
00:35:02,419 --> 00:35:03,961
I wish my kitchen
was bee-themed.
940
00:35:03,962 --> 00:35:05,421
I just... I kept thinking,
941
00:35:05,422 --> 00:35:07,006
"Thank God I don't
think this shit
942
00:35:07,007 --> 00:35:09,967
looks good still." I
wanna take a picture.
943
00:35:09,968 --> 00:35:11,468
Eventually, the day was so long,
944
00:35:11,469 --> 00:35:13,178
I started to get physically mad
945
00:35:13,179 --> 00:35:14,430
it was still happening
946
00:35:14,431 --> 00:35:15,848
because the conversations
947
00:35:15,849 --> 00:35:17,266
were so mind-numbing.
948
00:35:17,267 --> 00:35:18,642
And the marina does it all.
949
00:35:18,643 --> 00:35:20,352
And the jokes weren't funny.
950
00:35:20,353 --> 00:35:22,479
One too many Kim Cs.
951
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:24,773
I just... I was with my friends,
952
00:35:24,774 --> 00:35:26,192
but I wasn't.
953
00:35:26,193 --> 00:35:29,236
I was outside them
954
00:35:29,237 --> 00:35:31,530
because they were the same,
955
00:35:31,531 --> 00:35:34,116
and I was different.
956
00:35:34,117 --> 00:35:35,743
I am different.
957
00:35:35,744 --> 00:35:37,119
And I just...
958
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,955
I don't think I can
come here again...
959
00:35:39,956 --> 00:35:42,000
Not ever again.
960
00:35:44,044 --> 00:35:46,629
Anyway, this is a lot of texts,
961
00:35:46,630 --> 00:35:48,297
and I know we're not
together anymore,
962
00:35:48,298 --> 00:35:50,507
but I just wanted to say hi
963
00:35:50,508 --> 00:35:54,470
and that I miss
you... and your dick.
964
00:35:54,471 --> 00:35:57,807
God, I miss your big, fat dick.
965
00:36:00,727 --> 00:36:03,354
Oh, my God. Those
were all tweets again.
966
00:36:03,355 --> 00:36:04,480
Delete, delete, delete.
967
00:36:06,191 --> 00:36:08,150
♪ The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
968
00:36:08,151 --> 00:36:09,985
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
969
00:36:09,986 --> 00:36:12,196
♪ Our reunions we
will crush tonight ♪
970
00:36:12,197 --> 00:36:14,073
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
971
00:36:14,074 --> 00:36:16,408
♪ No one will be more
successful than we ♪
972
00:36:16,409 --> 00:36:18,410
♪ Or understand Kamala
better than he ♪
973
00:36:18,411 --> 00:36:23,040
♪ 'Cause we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
974
00:36:23,041 --> 00:36:24,583
Oh, look, a third gay.
975
00:36:24,584 --> 00:36:26,710
♪ At Netflix I run comedy ♪
976
00:36:26,711 --> 00:36:28,253
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
977
00:36:28,254 --> 00:36:30,506
♪ And at Google,
I'm the new VP ♪
978
00:36:30,507 --> 00:36:32,383
♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪
979
00:36:32,384 --> 00:36:34,677
♪ And now I am
sitting my own pee ♪
980
00:36:34,678 --> 00:36:36,679
♪ So all of my past
can compliment me ♪
981
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:41,141
♪ 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
982
00:36:41,142 --> 00:36:42,935
No, but really.
983
00:36:42,936 --> 00:36:45,813
♪ Think of what they'll
say when they see me ♪
984
00:36:45,814 --> 00:36:47,648
♪ See me ♪
985
00:36:47,649 --> 00:36:51,026
♪ All my classmates with
their said little lives ♪
986
00:36:51,027 --> 00:36:55,072
♪ Think of what they'll say,
how they'll swoon and scream ♪
987
00:36:55,073 --> 00:36:58,867
♪ When the
WindWeaver arrives ♪
988
00:36:58,868 --> 00:37:01,161
♪ Us gays have not
been back in years ♪
989
00:37:01,162 --> 00:37:02,913
♪ Like 10, or 12 ♪
990
00:37:02,914 --> 00:37:05,207
♪ 'Cause high school, for
us, was full of tears ♪
991
00:37:05,208 --> 00:37:07,126
♪ So sad, oh, well ♪
992
00:37:07,127 --> 00:37:09,169
♪ But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
993
00:37:09,170 --> 00:37:10,546
♪ And look at our résumés ♪
994
00:37:10,547 --> 00:37:11,797
♪ Holy shit, wow ♪
995
00:37:11,798 --> 00:37:13,298
♪ The gays are coming ♪
996
00:37:13,299 --> 00:37:17,469
♪ The gays are coming ♪
997
00:37:17,470 --> 00:37:19,305
♪ Home to win the night ♪
65854
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