All language subtitles for Night.Court.2023.S02E09.720p.WEB.h264-EDITH.Hi

The law clearly
stipulates that no person

shall withhold payment
for services rendered.

Agreed, but when a
haircut is this bad

hasn't he already paid enough?

Not guilty, but I will
recommend house arrest

for three to four weeks...
and a really big hat.

I feel your pain. One time,
I asked for "the Rachel."

Now I know to specify "Maddow."

Oh, so that's our last
case of the night?

Yep! Another early one,
all thanks to Wyatt.

Yeah, I learned from my DJ days

it's all about the set list.

You set the tone with
animal cases up top,

get things moving with the
drunk and disorderlies,

and then we build to the drop

muggings, muggings,
muggings, muggings,

muggings, muggings, muggings!

Ah-ah-ah! Sex in public!

Where my pervs at?!

Gurgs, what do you think?

Go straight home to your place
or take the scenic route again?

- Hmm.
- 3:00 a.m., New York City.

That's more of the...
crimescenic route, right?

By "scenic," she
means "Sea Nick's",

New York's only
underwater-themed

male strip club.

All the dancers are named Nick.

Ugh.

They'll hire you if
your name isn't Nick.

Uh, so I've heard.

- So you two are living together?
- I'm staying with Gurgs

because there was a
murder in my building.

You would not believe what
a true-crime podcaster

is paying to sublet my place.

[Laughing] I am cleaning up!

Which the killer also did,

because they have
found no clues.

Them living together
was my idea.

They're like Bert and
Ernie except without

the palpable sexual tension.

Speaking of, Judge, there's
a cutie in the gallery

who's been checking
you out all night.

- Really? You sure?
- Definitely.

And it really stands
out because most people

don't pay you any
attention at all.

Last night, I counted zero.

I mean, you would think
that, even accidentally,

- someone would glance...
- Okay, yeah, yeah, fine.

I get it. I'm gonna
go talk to him.

I just have to... come
up with the perfect line.

Come on, brain. Come on, brain.

Ah! Got it.

Fun fact... did you know

the most common crime
of passion is murder?

Hi. I'm Abby.

Fun fact... the term "Fun Fact"

was first used in a 1970s
newspaper ad for Wrigley's gum.

Is it even worth saying
my name after that?

It's... It's Jake.

Is this how most
conversations start?

It's probably how
a lot of them end.

I haven't seen you around
here, which is a good thing

'cause it means
you're not a criminal.

Well, get ready to see a
little bit more of me tomorrow.

Wow. Blond guys are easy.

Unfortunately, tomorrow,
I have this stupid.

"Sensitivity and Respect
in the Workplace" seminar.

Unless you want to come to
that. Nah. That'd be weird.

It'll be weirder if I
don't come. I'm running it.

That should have
been your fun fact.

But I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.

I run a pretty sensitive
and respectful courtroom.

- Yeah, I gotta say...
- for an underwater strip club,

Sea Nick's has a
top-notch website.

Come on. That thing would sink.

♪♪

♪♪

Flobert? You're coming to
our sensitivity training?

Yes. And with that tone,
seems like you need it.

- There he is. Satur-Dan!
- Ugh.

You're happy to be here
on a Saturday, huh?

You don't have that part of
your brain that tells you

when things are bad?!

I know this seminar isn't
your idea of a good time,

- but maybe please be nice?
- Nice?

That ship has sailed, sunk, and
hasn't been found in 30 years.

Why do you care
how I act, anyway?

Happy Saturday.

Not if I see you first!

I get it. You like that guy.

- Shut up. No, I don't.
- Do you think he likes me?

Also, do you think
he likes brunch?

Because I made reservations
hoping we finish early.

Oh, good. So we
want the same thing.

To go splitsies on eggs Benedict

and chocolate-chip pancakes, get
a little sweet, a little salty?

No. For this to be over quickly.

But you know what? Yeah, I'll
go splitsies on the seminar.

I know. No one wants to
be here on a Saturday.

Personally, I'd
rather be hiking.

And would you be doing that
with a wife or a girlfriend,

or just you in
your door less Jeep

with a German Shepherd
rescue who wears a bandana?

It's a good idea
you bring this up

before the sexual-harassment
part of the seminar.

Dan, some of us would like
to know if they find Nemo.

Okay. You hold it, then.

I promise this will be quick.

We just need to get
through... this.

[ Thud ]

- I'm kidding. Can you imagine?
- [ Laughs ]

'Cause it's so much bigger
than a regular binder!

I know she doesn't want
to die alone, but come on.

Let's start with a hypothetical.

You're hanging out
with two co-workers

when they get into an argument
and one of them leaves crying.

- What do you do?
- Great question, Jake.

When I see an upset co-worker,

I follow a triage
method based on warmth.

First level is warm
words. Next is a warm hug.

Code red is warm cookies.
Those hug you from the inside.

[Hushed] This is why
no one looks at you.

Sorry, Mister "Name
Tags Are Stupid."

You'd handle this differently?

First of all, I wouldn't
be "hanging out"

with any co-workers,
and if I found myself

in that situation, I
would fake a heart attack.

And when they ask me the next
day if I was feeling better,

instead of answering, I would
fake another heart attack.

Actually, boundaries
are important.

- That is a perfect answer.
- Ah. That's fun.

Two people can be right
on the same hypothetical.

No. Yours was wrong.

Ooh! He liked mine
better, yours not at all.

We find when employees
keep their work

and personal lives separate,

it makes for a more
productive workplace.

Well, here, we like to
blend the personal and work.

You can call it "wersonal"

or you can call it "pork."

Both are equally bad.

The important thing is,

we all feel valued
and appreciated.

[ Snorts ]

Oh, I thought that
snort was in my head.

Wyatt, is there something
you'd like to say?

It's just a snort. There doesn't
have to be something behind it.

Well, in my line of work,
when you hear a snort,

there's a story to report.

There's no way that's a saying.

No, it is. I saw it on a mug.

As someone who's
winning at sensitivity,

I think it's important to
hear what he has to say.

Okay.

It bothers me that you
never say "thank you."

Ooh!

I thought we all were
gonna make that noise.

I just don't think it's too
much to expect a grown man

to say "thank you."

Ooh!

We're really not on
the same page here.

Dan, how do you feel
about Wyatt's comment?

It's fine. My co-worker
feels strongly,

and I will do
everything in my power

to demonstrate my gratitude.

I will

kill him with kindness.

See? Totally resolved.

Maybe we should get back
to those fun hypotheticals.

I have a hypothetical
that's real.

There's a certain co-worker
who I let live with me

who drank all my
favorite coffee creamer!

You told me to make
myself at home.

That's just something people say.
You're not supposed to do it!

I'm sorry. You two
are living together?

Oh, yeah. It was,
uh... Wait, wait,

it was somebody's idea,
somebody in this room,

a judge, but.

[ Fingers snap ] which one?

- Ooh! - Ooh!
- Ooh!

And now we work as a team?

Wow. There is a
lot going on here.

This is gonna take
longer than I thought.

Okay, well, if you
had any plans today,

I would cancel them... now.

- [ Screams ]
- Gah!

I-I am so sorry.

I-I did not know there
was going to be a shark.

♪♪

Jake? Didn't expect
to see you here.

I-I thought sensitivity
training was a one-time thing.

Well, when my supervisor
asked how it went, I snorted.

Oh, when you snort, you
have to write a report!

Yep. On the day I was supposed
to go hiking with my dog.

And I just had the
doors taken off my Jeep.

Listen. Everything's fine.

I mean, sure, we weren't
great on Saturday,

but some of us were hungry
for chocolate-chip pancakes.

I get it. If you
want some pointers,

I am the guy that invented
"Smile and Decline."

It's an HR-approved way to
avoid uncomfortable situations.

Invite me to do something.

How would you like to purchase
a timeshare in Cleveland?

It's the nation's largest
hub for yellow wallpaper.

This is not a hypothetical.

You'll come around.
They all come around.

Your Honor, we're ready to go.

Get ready to watch us "pork."

Please don't write that down.

Uh, Wyatt, before we
begin, I just wanted to say

that I took to heart what
you said the other day,

and I've learned to show my
appreciation in 135 languages.

French... merci beaucoup.

Samoan... fa'afetai.

Elvish... guren glassui.

Elvis-ish...

[As Elvis Presley] Thank
you. Thank you very much.

- I see what you're doing.
- I also got you this card.

- [Dan as Elvis] Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What a heartwarming display.

Another issue resolved
in Abby Stone's court.

Wyatt, case?

The People vs. Arthur
and Layla Doyle.

They are charged with
unwanted touching.

Your Honor, this is a mistake.

My clients were merely
promoting their small business

by providing free samples.

And what is their business?

They are professional cuddlers.

There's a workplace you could
really write a report on.

Well, we have the police report,

where 19 rush-hour
commuters describe them

as "gropers,"
"fondlers," "ticklers,"

and, according to one
woman, "handy dandies."

Your Honor, these plucky
entrepreneurs should be able

to promote their product
without being labeled freaks.

Sounds like someone
wants a sample.

Whoa! Back off, freaks.

Your Honor, we ask that
you let our HR department

decide our fate.

They know us better
than we know ourselves.

Alright. We get
it. Case dismissed.

I'll take a sample.

Ohh! Heh. That'll get
you there. [ Chuckles ]

Your Honor, we have one
more small piece of business

before we go on
to the next case.

"Sarcastic" in C.

[ Pitch-pipe blows ]

♪ Bohm-bohm-bohm ♪

♪ Thank you, Wyatt,
for breathing ♪

♪ Thanks for being alive ♪

♪ Thank you for blinking
and eating food ♪

♪ Without a "thank you,"
it would be so rude ♪

♪ So it's thanks for
taking up space and ♪

♪ Thanks for being awake ♪

♪ One last thing
you should know ♪

♪ Is that all these
"thanks" are fake ♪

♪ They're not real ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

What the hell was that?

Can't you just give
Wyatt a real "thank you"?

He does so much for us!

His shelf-reaching
alone is next-level.

People thank each other
entirely too much.

We're expected to be
grateful for nothing.

You handed me a coffee.
Here's a dollar.

Thanks for doing your job.

Oh, you held the
elevator. Gee. Thanks.

Now I get to breathe air that
was recently in your body.

"Thank yous" should be earned.
That's the world I'm creating.

No "thank you" is
necessary. You're welcome.

I've always wanted to be
the inspiration for a rant.

Thank you.

That'show it sounds!

Why can't you two be more
like Olivia and Gurgs?

They sorted out
their differences.

Well, I don't know. There
weren't really differences.

I just bought more creamer.

- She's being modest.
- She had to go to Staten Island.

Most stores don't carry it

because the ingredients
aren't considered legal.

It's the only creamer produced

entirely in
international waters.

Actually, Flobert got it.

He was going to Staten Island
to visit his adopted highway.

Don't tell the highway. It
doesn't know it's adopted.

- You told Flobert?
- Now the word's gonna get out.

- It'll be impossible to get.
- That man isan influencer.

You know, he is
single-handedly responsible

for the revitalization of
Cleveland's wallpaper district.

Great. Now all
I'll be able to get

are those gross
seasonal flavors.

I don't care if it
is Cinco de Mayo

no one wants their coffee
tasting like guacamole!

What's happened to us?!

Jake has us turning
on each other

when I should be turning him on!

Picture yourself
in a luxury condo

with a view of the Rock
& Roll Hall of Fame's

parking lot.

Jake, I need to speak with you.

Good. Talk it over
with the wife.

I'll be standing
right over there.

You know, ever since you got
here, everyone's been on edge.

Interesting. And
that's my fault?

Because it wasn't my idea

to have your prosecutor
move in with your bailiff.

Well, before this
whole creamer thing,

they were having a lot of fun
objectifying men together.

Also, is it true that you
locked your staff in your office

and made them tell you
their personal secrets?

- Not this week.
- Did I also hear

that you tagged along
on a co-worker's date?

Only because Dan wanted
to have sex with a woman

who was going to kill him!

That's got to be a loophole!

I understand this would be
frowned upon in some workplaces,

but here we're a family.

Except you're not. It's work.

Are you telling me how
to run my courtroom?

- Well, it's kind of my job.
- Look, I'm starting to think

you're a little too
close to all this.

I think the best thing to do
is to have another meeting.

I don't think us having
another meeting is a good idea.

- I completely agree.
- You shouldn't be involved.

So you're having an
HR meeting about me?

I'm reporting that. It
makes me uncomfortable.

I couldn't help but notice

there's a little
trouble in paradise.

You know, Cleveland is a great
town to be newly divorced in.

♪♪

Really, Dan? A "thank
you" flash mob?!

When is this going to end?!

When you've experienced
the full force

and fury of my gratitude.

I was in an elevator! 20
people started dancing around.

I thought I was gonna die!

What are you waiting
for, gossip girl?

Why aren't you telling
all this to Flobert?

Well, at least Flobert
doesn't use my deodorant.

My wife and I share deodorant.

We share everything...
except the bed.

- Where the hell is this HR guy?
- Sorry I'm late.

Ah. Jake's not here? Who calls
a meeting and doesn't show?

- It's so unprofessional.
- Maybe he bailed because

he only likes me and he
heard the rest of you

insensitive losers
were gonna be here.

Totally. In the
meantime, though,

maybe we talk through some stuff

just to kill some time
until Jake can break away

from whatever it is
that's keeping him?

I really have to be somewhere.

You were gifted an
hour-long throuple cuddle.

- That's what you're getting.
- Ugh!

18, 19, 20.

Okay! Now, how do you feel?

Kind of like I
wasted 20 seconds.

20 seconds of eye contact

is supposed to help you
feel more connected.

Then shouldn't I be
doing it with Dan?

It's important to create unity
throughout the entire team.

And Dan refused to participate.

I wish I had refused to do
that trust fall with Flobert.

If I was supposed to catch you,

it should be called
a "trust catch."

Where's that guy who said
everything I do is right?

I liked him.

We don't need Jake.

We can deal with our
problems like a family.

So you want us to resent other

but also share a cellphone plan?

Gurgs, why does that
creamer mean so much to you?

I don't know. Maybe because
when I was growing up,

I never had anything
that was all mine.

Or maybe years of
drinking toxic creamer

just makes your brain weird.

Either way, we
are ready to help.

- Flobert?
- Mm. Mm-hmm.

What's he doing
with that, Judge?

You're scared of
losing that creamer,

so Flobert is gonna
help you face that fear

by drinking an entire carton
right in front of you.

It'll be tough to watch
for all of us, but

it might help one of us.

It might kill one of us.

Murray! That's poison!

And your barbershop quartet
just made regionals!

Abby promised to sit through

a three-hour Cleveland
presentation.

If I don't move those condos,

my wife's never gonna
let me back in that bed.

Ah. Here we go! Whew.

- Ugh! Oh, I-I can't watch.
- He's not appreciating it!

And there's no way he
can taste the notmeg.

Yes, I said "notmeg." Legally,
that's what they gotta call it!

- Ohh!
- Ugh. If this is what it takes

to live with Gurgs, I'll
just move back to my place.

Fine. Then no more
joint birthday party.

- It didn't make sense anyway.
- Mine's June, yours is December.

Fine! Then I'll call your friend
and tell her the party's off!

Hey, friend? Yeah?
The party's off!

No, I will not let
us drift apart!

We are a family and
we love each other!

Can I stop drinking now?

You're all getting real blurry.

- Not until we're friends again.
- That stupid Jake can't win!

You hijacked my seminar?

Before you start
throwing blame around,

I didn't know that Flobert
was lactose-intolerant!

- You live, you learn.
- What you did

with those cuddlers was
completely unprofessional.

Sure, I felt like I
was back in the womb

and it gave me validation
I never received from

an emotionally distant father,
but I have a job to do.

So do I, but you're
not letting me,

and then I'm left to
pick up the pieces

while you're off to
blow up another office.

Most offices don't get blown up.

It's usually just people
tuning me out for 45 minutes,

then I find a Quizno's and eat a
toasted sandwich alone in my car.

Why couldn't you just
let me do my thing?

Because my thing was working

until you showed up with
your "Smile and Decline."

Hey! That technique saves
hundreds of feelings every day.

You know what your problem is?
You see one way of doing things,

and if anyone has the nerve
to suggest anything else,

it drives you crazy.

Ugh. Well, you know
what your problem is?

You don't see people as people.

You just see them as
potential lawsuits.

That's why you play
everything too safe.

Probably live your
life the same way.

I don't know what trails you're
taking that dog hiking on,

but I bet he can
handle way harder ones!

He is afraid of hawks, and
he has every right to be.

They are killing machines!

Man, I can't believe I
ever thought you were cute.

I can't believe I thought
of first-date spots for us.

Well, I didn't
know you did that.

Well, I wish I hadn't,
because you're the worst!

You'rethe worst!

- Consent to ravage you?
- Consent given.

We were just checking to see
if we could leave, and, uh...

Yeah.

- What's the deal?
- Can I go home or not?!

Run, Dan. Run.

- Wait. What do you mean?
- Are... Are they...

- Yes, and it's evolving.
- Ohh...

Wyatt, I don't know what to say.

I think you do.

Thank you.

You know, I think that was
the first unprofessional thing

- I've ever done.
- Well, don't worry.

- I won't report you to HR.
- I think I'm coming around

to the idea that
work relationships

don't need to be
entirely professional.

Well, full disclosure

there may be some problems
with my approach, too.

- I don't know.
- Making a man chug creamer

seems like a pretty good
team-building exercise.

- Okay. No one said chug.
- He could have sipped it.

Well, you'll be happy to know

that we have forms that
address this situation.

- We have a situation?
- We had an incident.

But if you sign here,
then it's a situation.

You're so good at
filling out those forms.

Let's get out of here. I can
fill these out on the way.

Let's go.

[ Didgeridoo playing]

- Hey... Ugh.
- Aww!

- Aww! Heh heh!
- Aww!

What are they watching?

Videos of koalas jumping
into peoples' arms.

Apparently, that's exactly
how you and blondie

slammed together.

- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah...

Anyway, uh, now that
they're all warmed up,

I'm gonna go get my
presentation materials

so I can give them
the full Cleveland.

Here's a taste...

"The lake is anything butErie."

Huh? Ha ha, yeah!

Everyone's really getting along.

It's at my expense and I'm
humiliated, but it's worth it.

Yeah, nothing brings
a family together

like watching their weird aunt
make out with the stranger

they didn't know she was going
to invite to Thanksgiving.

You should see what we
have planned for Christmas.

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

Want a splash of the good stuff?

Aww. That's mighty
generous of you.

I've got plenty now,
thanks to Olivia.

Oh, I can't take all the credit.

[Chuckles] Or any of it.

My friend works at the FDA,

and they've been
stockpiling it for research.

So far, it hasn't
killed any mice

though it did make a
few age in reverse.

Flobert drank a whole bottle,

and it's not like he turned
into a kid or something.

Okay, everybody!

Who's ready to hear
about Cleveland?

I can't afford to
get any shorter.

Oh. I see you all met my nephew.

He knows how to work the VCR.

♪♪

It's funny!