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1
00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:01,666
Here we go.
2
00:00:01,839 --> 00:00:03,660
I'll be right back with some ***
and red pepper,
3
00:00:03,729 --> 00:00:05,894
and let me know if there's anything
else I can get you.
4
00:00:05,937 --> 00:00:08,327
Just a defibrillator and a cardiac needle.
5
00:00:08,653 --> 00:00:11,712
I know this restaurant is a little ***
than what you guys are used to,
6
00:00:11,832 --> 00:00:14,423
but Shania wanted to go to
*** Italian place where they serve
7
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,493
real *** dressing Breadstix to make
her big surprise announcement.
8
00:00:17,613 --> 00:00:19,164
That's okay, you know,
I read the other day
9
00:00:19,215 --> 00:00:20,415
that Americans are eating
too many vegetables.
10
00:00:20,449 --> 00:00:21,783
So this is great.
11
00:00:23,219 --> 00:00:24,386
Thank you all for coming.
12
00:00:24,420 --> 00:00:26,137
It is very important to me
13
00:00:26,172 --> 00:00:28,640
that you be the first to
know about my life change.
14
00:00:28,674 --> 00:00:29,958
This boy at my school, Wilbur...
15
00:00:29,976 --> 00:00:32,761
mom, you know the one with
the really intense eyes...
16
00:00:32,795 --> 00:00:34,479
he came up to me at recess,
and at first,
17
00:00:34,513 --> 00:00:36,481
I thought he was gonna
throw a red ball at my head...
18
00:00:36,515 --> 00:00:39,234
he's such a flirt...
but instead...
19
00:00:39,268 --> 00:00:40,468
Shania,
20
00:00:40,486 --> 00:00:41,987
we've been friends
for how long now?
21
00:00:42,021 --> 00:00:44,489
Three, three and a half weeks?
22
00:00:44,523 --> 00:00:45,941
Feels like four.
23
00:00:45,975 --> 00:00:47,993
I don't really understand
how time works.
24
00:00:48,027 --> 00:00:50,445
I got a check minus
on that section,
25
00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:52,247
but I want to spend
my whole life with you.
26
00:00:52,281 --> 00:00:53,999
I know you might have
to go back to the midwest,
27
00:00:54,033 --> 00:00:57,085
but I can't let you leave
without telling you how I feel.
28
00:00:58,004 --> 00:01:01,673
You make me want
to be a better boy.
29
00:01:01,707 --> 00:01:04,158
Shania,
will you pretend marry me?
30
00:01:05,378 --> 00:01:06,494
I'm getting pretend married.
31
00:01:06,512 --> 00:01:09,014
We're registered at toys "r" us.
32
00:01:09,882 --> 00:01:11,332
What is happening?
33
00:01:11,350 --> 00:01:13,018
He put a ring on it.
34
00:01:23,025 --> 00:01:28,444
Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com
35
00:01:28,834 --> 00:01:31,236
Shania's pretend wedding
is so romantic.
36
00:01:31,287 --> 00:01:33,538
Hmm.
37
00:01:38,577 --> 00:01:39,878
What?
38
00:01:39,912 --> 00:01:42,330
What are you thinking about?
39
00:01:42,364 --> 00:01:43,865
I can't believe
you've never been here before.
40
00:01:43,883 --> 00:01:45,366
I would've brought you here
like, three dates ago.
41
00:01:45,384 --> 00:01:47,385
Isn't it fun being with
all the beautiful people?
42
00:01:47,420 --> 00:01:48,536
I only see one.
43
00:01:50,172 --> 00:01:52,807
Oh, my God,
it's Ben Affleck and J. Lo.
44
00:01:52,842 --> 00:01:54,225
I predict
they're gonna get married
45
00:01:54,260 --> 00:01:56,377
and have beautiful,
soy latte-complexioned babies.
46
00:01:57,813 --> 00:02:00,381
Is that Madonna
and Guy Ritchie?
47
00:02:00,399 --> 00:02:02,717
Oh, my God, I've been reading
people magazine because of you.
48
00:02:02,735 --> 00:02:04,886
I'm so proud of you.
It's where I get all of my news.
49
00:02:04,904 --> 00:02:06,220
They're like,
the perfect couple.
50
00:02:06,238 --> 00:02:07,555
Till death do they part.
51
00:02:07,573 --> 00:02:09,240
No, I read that
Madonna can't die.
52
00:02:09,275 --> 00:02:10,492
She had that procedure done.
53
00:02:10,526 --> 00:02:11,826
Oh, yeah. I want
to get married someday
54
00:02:11,861 --> 00:02:13,578
and live happily ever after,
don't you?
55
00:02:13,612 --> 00:02:15,663
Sure, I also want to be
a seven-foot-tall center
56
00:02:15,698 --> 00:02:17,665
for the Chicago bulls,
but that's not gonna happen.
57
00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:20,452
I don't know what that means. Marriage
for guys like us, it's a fantasy.
58
00:02:20,486 --> 00:02:22,420
Gay people can have fabulous
commitment ceremonies,
59
00:02:22,455 --> 00:02:24,005
but until it's sanctioned
60
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,507
by the U.S. government,
61
00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:27,742
it's nothing more
than just playing house.
62
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,177
Yeah, but the emotions are real.
63
00:02:29,211 --> 00:02:31,179
I mean, it's still
a declaration of love.
64
00:02:31,213 --> 00:02:34,432
Until every single
consenting adult in this country
65
00:02:34,467 --> 00:02:36,217
can marry whomever they choose,
66
00:02:36,251 --> 00:02:39,270
I refuse to even
consider getting married.
67
00:02:39,305 --> 00:02:40,555
That's so unromantic.
68
00:02:40,589 --> 00:02:43,141
But so political
and Harvey milk hot.
69
00:02:43,192 --> 00:02:46,144
Um, okay,
so marriage is off the table.
70
00:02:46,195 --> 00:02:48,429
What about kids?
71
00:02:48,447 --> 00:02:50,815
That, I'd be interested in...
72
00:02:50,866 --> 00:02:52,734
With the right guy.
73
00:02:53,786 --> 00:02:55,370
Bryan, what are you
thinking about?
74
00:02:56,772 --> 00:02:58,623
Nothing.
75
00:03:03,946 --> 00:03:06,548
Bumblebee, it's almost 9:00.
76
00:03:06,582 --> 00:03:08,249
Helmet lights out.
77
00:03:08,283 --> 00:03:10,618
You should be sleeping,
not mining for coal.
78
00:03:10,636 --> 00:03:12,003
Sorry, mom.
79
00:03:12,054 --> 00:03:14,089
I just had to finish
sketching my wedding dress.
80
00:03:14,123 --> 00:03:17,291
I was thinking it could be
made out of autumn leaves,
81
00:03:17,309 --> 00:03:18,977
symbolizing Wilbur's and my
willingness
82
00:03:19,011 --> 00:03:21,596
to grow and change with
life's tempestuous seasons.
83
00:03:21,630 --> 00:03:24,933
Plus, they make a
funny crunch sound.
84
00:03:24,967 --> 00:03:27,402
Honey, having a pretend wedding
is kind of a big deal.
85
00:03:27,436 --> 00:03:30,471
You sure Wilbur's ready
to be a one-girl boy?
86
00:03:30,489 --> 00:03:32,323
Mom, I'm not you
and Wilbur's not dad.
87
00:03:32,358 --> 00:03:33,641
We love each other.
88
00:03:33,659 --> 00:03:35,143
Don't you remember how you felt
89
00:03:35,161 --> 00:03:36,978
when you first got engaged?
90
00:03:36,996 --> 00:03:38,997
Hit a Turkey, baby.
91
00:03:45,487 --> 00:03:48,623
If I throw a strike,
will you marry me, baby?
92
00:03:49,208 --> 00:03:50,425
No, I'm serious.
93
00:03:50,459 --> 00:03:52,010
My belly is as big
as that bowling ball.
94
00:03:52,044 --> 00:03:53,128
Is that why you're asking?
95
00:03:53,162 --> 00:03:54,295
You know, 'cause you have to?
96
00:03:54,329 --> 00:03:55,346
Yes. Oh.
97
00:03:55,381 --> 00:03:56,998
Yes, 'cause I have
98
00:03:57,016 --> 00:03:59,350
to be with you every
single day of my life.
99
00:03:59,385 --> 00:04:02,137
Always and forever, with or
without this baby we made.
100
00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:05,690
I love you, Goldie, and I
want you to be my wife.
101
00:04:05,724 --> 00:04:07,175
I love you, too.
102
00:04:24,660 --> 00:04:26,161
Yes.
103
00:04:26,195 --> 00:04:28,713
Yes, I'll marry you,
for better or worse.
104
00:04:30,332 --> 00:04:32,667
You know what, baby,
you're right.
105
00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:34,002
You can't stop love.
106
00:04:34,036 --> 00:04:35,470
So you'll make my dress?
107
00:04:35,504 --> 00:04:37,088
If you promise me one thing:
108
00:04:37,139 --> 00:04:39,207
No sex until you're at least 25.
109
00:04:39,225 --> 00:04:41,309
I couldn't possibly earn
a doctorate until then.
110
00:04:41,343 --> 00:04:43,011
Plus Wilbur and I talked
111
00:04:43,045 --> 00:04:45,230
about living in the French wine
country for at least a year
112
00:04:45,264 --> 00:04:46,564
before even discussing kids.
113
00:04:48,934 --> 00:04:50,935
Get some sleep.
114
00:04:53,939 --> 00:04:57,859
Love is the most
wonderful feeling of them all.
115
00:04:57,893 --> 00:04:59,577
Ooh. Ooh.
116
00:05:00,896 --> 00:05:02,864
Hamachi tartare
on crisped wonton,
117
00:05:02,898 --> 00:05:04,232
chipotle marinated flank steak,
118
00:05:04,250 --> 00:05:05,566
and my favorite,
the lamb slider.
119
00:05:05,584 --> 00:05:06,951
Now, the lamb might get
a little breathy,
120
00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,920
but we can have a mint amuse
bouche on hand if need be.
121
00:05:08,954 --> 00:05:10,121
Got it.
122
00:05:10,172 --> 00:05:11,906
My dad can't afford a new leg.
123
00:05:11,924 --> 00:05:13,424
These all look so foreign.
124
00:05:13,459 --> 00:05:15,243
Were you up all night
making them, rocky?
125
00:05:15,261 --> 00:05:17,011
No, but I was up
all night hating my life.
126
00:05:17,046 --> 00:05:18,412
Okay, so I've ordered
the gardenias,
127
00:05:18,430 --> 00:05:19,714
I sent out the invitations.
128
00:05:19,748 --> 00:05:21,933
Now, Goldie, where are we
with the dress?
129
00:05:21,967 --> 00:05:23,384
Uh, I think I'll just
make her something myself.
130
00:05:23,418 --> 00:05:24,752
Okay, so we're gonna need
a dress.
131
00:05:24,770 --> 00:05:25,770
What's going on?
132
00:05:25,804 --> 00:05:27,388
We're planning my wedding.
133
00:05:27,422 --> 00:05:30,191
I thought it was
a pretend wedding.
134
00:05:30,226 --> 00:05:32,593
It is, but it's
a real pretend wedding.
135
00:05:32,611 --> 00:05:33,394
Duh, David.
136
00:05:33,428 --> 00:05:35,063
You take that crazy Baton.
137
00:05:35,097 --> 00:05:37,615
I am going to go have a drink.
138
00:05:37,650 --> 00:05:38,950
Bryan, mmm-hmm?
139
00:05:38,984 --> 00:05:40,451
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yes.
140
00:05:40,486 --> 00:05:42,487
Let me know if that's too chewy.
141
00:05:43,956 --> 00:05:45,273
A wedding?
142
00:05:45,291 --> 00:05:46,708
A real wedding?
143
00:05:46,742 --> 00:05:48,442
With flowers and food
and a dress?
144
00:05:48,460 --> 00:05:50,945
I'm surprised you didn't hire
a monkey to be the ring bearer.
145
00:05:50,963 --> 00:05:53,414
I tried, but the only one in
town is booked on some TV show.
146
00:05:53,448 --> 00:05:56,951
Bryan, Shania is a nine-year-old
girl with a crush.
147
00:05:56,969 --> 00:05:59,620
If she wanted a fantasy
playground wedding, I get it.
148
00:05:59,638 --> 00:06:01,589
But not everybody
wants what you want.
149
00:06:01,623 --> 00:06:03,558
This is becoming
the social event of the season.
150
00:06:03,592 --> 00:06:04,892
Oh, from your lips.
151
00:06:04,927 --> 00:06:07,645
Do the Kardashians
have any school-age children?
152
00:06:10,149 --> 00:06:13,651
Can someone please explain
to me what the hell this is?
153
00:06:13,686 --> 00:06:16,020
Oh, yeah, that's Shania's
wedding invitation.
154
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:17,805
We wanted to do a customized
presentation box,
155
00:06:17,823 --> 00:06:19,073
but there just wasn't
enough time.
156
00:06:19,108 --> 00:06:20,975
And we couldn't agree
on a ribbon.
157
00:06:20,993 --> 00:06:22,777
Why are you doing
this to Shania?
158
00:06:22,811 --> 00:06:24,662
Oh, Nana, it's just
a pretend wedding.
159
00:06:24,697 --> 00:06:27,699
No, see,
that's what these gays do.
160
00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:29,167
They "pretend"
161
00:06:29,201 --> 00:06:30,952
you can define
what marriage is.
162
00:06:30,986 --> 00:06:32,320
Today it's two children.
163
00:06:32,338 --> 00:06:34,088
Tomorrow,
it's the banana polishers.
164
00:06:34,123 --> 00:06:35,256
Next thing you know,
they're gonna have
165
00:06:35,291 --> 00:06:36,591
a wedding for their dog.
166
00:06:36,625 --> 00:06:38,092
Actually, we had a
commitment ceremony
167
00:06:38,127 --> 00:06:39,544
for smelly and mabel,
the schuler's boxer,
168
00:06:39,595 --> 00:06:41,963
last spring, and that beef
bouillon fountain went over big.
169
00:06:41,997 --> 00:06:43,097
Not helping.
170
00:06:43,132 --> 00:06:45,333
Marriage is not for dogs,
171
00:06:45,351 --> 00:06:47,001
it is not for children,
172
00:06:47,019 --> 00:06:50,004
and I'm sorry, boys,
but it is not for you.
173
00:06:50,022 --> 00:06:52,140
Mrs. Forrest, there was a
time not too long ago,
174
00:06:52,174 --> 00:06:54,442
when it was illegal for black
people to marry white people.
175
00:06:54,476 --> 00:06:55,643
Kept things organized.
176
00:06:55,677 --> 00:06:56,811
When the state of California
177
00:06:56,845 --> 00:06:58,112
finally makes gay
marriage legal,
178
00:06:58,147 --> 00:07:01,015
my partner and I will be
getting married, right, David?
179
00:07:01,033 --> 00:07:03,868
Right?
180
00:07:05,871 --> 00:07:07,322
I don't know.
181
00:07:07,356 --> 00:07:09,824
Aw, cinderfella.
182
00:07:09,858 --> 00:07:12,693
Looks like that glass slipper
doesn't fit.
183
00:07:12,711 --> 00:07:15,363
And this sham wedding
isn't happening, either.
184
00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:20,134
Bryan, Willow Smith just rsvp'd.
185
00:07:20,169 --> 00:07:21,702
It's gonna be a no.
186
00:07:23,722 --> 00:07:25,723
Well, this is the
worst day ever.
187
00:07:28,201 --> 00:07:31,298
Okay. I have personally hand-picked
188
00:07:31,329 --> 00:07:32,880
each and every one of you girls
189
00:07:32,914 --> 00:07:35,499
because I've seen the Romney
sticker on your parents' car.
190
00:07:35,550 --> 00:07:37,117
That, and you know how to sit
191
00:07:37,135 --> 00:07:38,618
with your legs together.
192
00:07:38,636 --> 00:07:40,821
We have ourselves
a very big problem, ladies,
193
00:07:40,855 --> 00:07:44,791
and I need the help of every one
of you future one million moms.
194
00:07:44,809 --> 00:07:46,960
Now, I'm sure you've heard
your parents speak to you
195
00:07:46,978 --> 00:07:49,479
about the sanctity of marriage.
196
00:07:49,514 --> 00:07:50,981
Sure, marriage is between
Adam and Eve,
197
00:07:51,015 --> 00:07:53,300
not Adam and Steve.
198
00:07:53,318 --> 00:07:54,985
That is very good, Reagan.
199
00:07:55,987 --> 00:07:57,237
Gay marriage is currently legal
200
00:07:57,272 --> 00:07:58,471
in six states.
201
00:07:58,489 --> 00:08:00,524
My mom says that's six too many.
202
00:08:00,575 --> 00:08:02,576
We have a freezer in our garage
203
00:08:02,610 --> 00:08:04,144
filled with ziplock bags
of our blood
204
00:08:04,162 --> 00:08:06,313
in case we ever need
a transfusion.
205
00:08:06,331 --> 00:08:08,315
We don't want gay blood.
206
00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:10,417
My Uncle was gay,
but we cured him.
207
00:08:10,451 --> 00:08:12,369
Now he's a youth pastor.
208
00:08:12,420 --> 00:08:14,421
Now, we need to stop
this wedding nonsense
209
00:08:14,455 --> 00:08:16,206
between Shania and Wilbur.
210
00:08:16,257 --> 00:08:18,342
But it's a pretend
wedding, just for fun.
211
00:08:18,376 --> 00:08:20,877
Fun? Marriage isn't supposed
to be fun.
212
00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:24,998
Marriage is a sacred vow
taken between a heterosexual man
213
00:08:25,016 --> 00:08:27,768
and a woman, preferably
over the age of 18,
214
00:08:27,802 --> 00:08:30,503
to stay together
until death us do part.
215
00:08:30,521 --> 00:08:31,939
And do you know why?
216
00:08:32,690 --> 00:08:33,941
So you can have somebody
217
00:08:33,975 --> 00:08:35,609
to find your body when you die.
218
00:08:35,643 --> 00:08:37,394
You don't want to be
that weird smell
219
00:08:37,445 --> 00:08:39,780
coming out of an apartment
full of cats, do you?
220
00:08:42,116 --> 00:08:43,867
Hello, welcome.
Guests of the pretend groom
221
00:08:43,901 --> 00:08:45,953
to the right, the
pretend bride to the lef...
222
00:08:45,987 --> 00:08:47,871
Wait a minute, booger man,
you're gonna need
223
00:08:47,905 --> 00:08:50,040
to take that thing out of
that nose, you understand?
224
00:08:50,074 --> 00:08:52,075
Ew. Hey! How are you?
225
00:08:52,126 --> 00:08:54,361
Hey, cute poncho, welcome.
226
00:08:54,379 --> 00:08:55,629
Ready?
227
00:08:55,663 --> 00:08:56,880
Bring it on out here.
228
00:08:56,914 --> 00:08:58,131
Let's see the magic.
229
00:09:01,302 --> 00:09:03,587
What do you think?
230
00:09:05,556 --> 00:09:07,474
I can't believe your mother
made you that beautiful dress.
231
00:09:07,508 --> 00:09:10,427
I love it. I'm not
even lying this time.
232
00:09:10,478 --> 00:09:12,763
My mom's good at lots of things.
233
00:09:12,814 --> 00:09:14,731
Well, all eyes
are going to be on you.
234
00:09:14,766 --> 00:09:17,217
You and the
build-your-own-sundae bar.
235
00:09:17,235 --> 00:09:19,386
Now what about vows? Did you like
that neruda poem I sent you?
236
00:09:19,404 --> 00:09:20,553
I think it would
be really brave
237
00:09:20,571 --> 00:09:22,389
if you attempted
his original Spanish.
238
00:09:22,407 --> 00:09:24,557
Think I'm just going to wing it.
239
00:09:24,575 --> 00:09:25,942
That never works.
240
00:09:25,994 --> 00:09:27,160
But great.
241
00:09:27,195 --> 00:09:28,528
Bryan, there aren't
a lot of people
242
00:09:28,562 --> 00:09:30,280
who'd take this
as seriously as you.
243
00:09:30,331 --> 00:09:31,331
So, thanks.
244
00:09:32,367 --> 00:09:34,251
You're crushing the leaves.
Okay.
245
00:09:35,286 --> 00:09:36,620
Shall we?
246
00:09:36,671 --> 00:09:38,255
We shall.
247
00:09:42,593 --> 00:09:44,577
Goldie? Oh.
248
00:09:44,595 --> 00:09:46,129
Clint, hey.
249
00:09:46,180 --> 00:09:47,247
What are you doing here?
250
00:09:47,265 --> 00:09:48,348
Rocky called me.
251
00:09:48,383 --> 00:09:50,267
Said she needed
someone to officiate
252
00:09:50,301 --> 00:09:52,419
a ridiculous waste
of time and money.
253
00:09:52,437 --> 00:09:53,253
You're a minister?
254
00:09:53,271 --> 00:09:55,088
No, I'm an E.M.T.
255
00:09:55,106 --> 00:09:57,524
But do you need a real minister
to do a fake kids' wedding?
256
00:09:57,558 --> 00:09:58,942
Oh, right.
257
00:09:58,976 --> 00:10:01,094
I just said yes
so I could see you.
258
00:10:01,112 --> 00:10:04,398
Hey, I'm sorry
I never called you back.
259
00:10:04,432 --> 00:10:06,733
It's just, I've been dealing
with a lot of stuff lately,
260
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:08,952
and I'm not ready
to go on dates just yet.
261
00:10:08,986 --> 00:10:10,437
Wait.
262
00:10:10,455 --> 00:10:11,655
It was for a date, right?
263
00:10:11,706 --> 00:10:14,574
Yes.
264
00:10:14,608 --> 00:10:16,776
It was definitely a date.
265
00:10:16,794 --> 00:10:17,944
Ooh.
266
00:10:17,962 --> 00:10:20,497
Cheers.
267
00:10:20,548 --> 00:10:22,966
Okay, Wilbur, how's that?
268
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,334
It feels tight.
269
00:10:24,385 --> 00:10:25,719
Oh, here, loosen it up.
Like a noose.
270
00:10:25,753 --> 00:10:27,287
I can't breathe.
271
00:10:27,305 --> 00:10:29,306
And I'm hot. God, is it hot?
272
00:10:29,340 --> 00:10:30,457
Okay, all right...
273
00:10:30,475 --> 00:10:31,808
What the hell am I doing here?
274
00:10:31,843 --> 00:10:33,643
Relax, buddy.
275
00:10:33,678 --> 00:10:35,128
There's no reason
to be nervous.
276
00:10:35,146 --> 00:10:37,230
I'm ten, dude, and I'm about
277
00:10:37,265 --> 00:10:38,398
to lock this down with Shania.
278
00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:39,649
Like, forever.
279
00:10:39,684 --> 00:10:41,234
How could I not be nervous?
280
00:10:41,269 --> 00:10:43,153
Because none of this is real.
281
00:10:43,187 --> 00:10:45,188
You're not signing anything,
282
00:10:45,239 --> 00:10:46,940
you don't have any
legal obligations,
283
00:10:46,974 --> 00:10:49,809
it doesn't affect your
taxes or anything.
284
00:10:49,827 --> 00:10:51,244
It's just pretend.
285
00:10:51,279 --> 00:10:53,830
So just smile and say "I do."
286
00:10:53,865 --> 00:10:55,916
It doesn't mean anything
in the real world.
287
00:10:55,950 --> 00:10:59,703
Yeah, you're right.
288
00:10:59,754 --> 00:11:00,754
Thanks, man.
289
00:11:00,788 --> 00:11:01,872
Pound it.
290
00:11:01,923 --> 00:11:03,373
You're the best.
291
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,295
Hey.
292
00:11:08,329 --> 00:11:09,880
I guess you heard that stuff.
293
00:11:09,931 --> 00:11:12,265
It is what it is.
294
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,301
That's how you feel.
295
00:11:18,506 --> 00:11:21,041
Hi, everyone, and welcome.
296
00:11:21,075 --> 00:11:23,894
We are gathered here today
to join Shania and Wilbur
297
00:11:23,945 --> 00:11:25,645
in holy pretend matrimony.
298
00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:27,647
Why am I even watching this?
299
00:11:27,681 --> 00:11:29,566
I feel like
my eyes are bleeding.
300
00:11:29,617 --> 00:11:32,035
Like there's actually blood
seeping from my eyes.
301
00:11:32,069 --> 00:11:33,520
Oh, Nana, will you stop?
302
00:11:33,538 --> 00:11:34,788
This is important to Shania.
303
00:11:34,822 --> 00:11:36,406
I'm tired of you
being so unsupportive.
304
00:11:36,457 --> 00:11:39,025
And now, Shania has requested
305
00:11:39,043 --> 00:11:41,378
a spoken word reading
of her favorite poet.
306
00:11:45,383 --> 00:11:48,418
"Right thru me" by Nicki Minaj.
307
00:11:48,469 --> 00:11:51,171
"You let me win,
you let me ride
308
00:11:51,205 --> 00:11:53,757
"you let me rock,
you let me slide
309
00:11:53,808 --> 00:11:55,976
"and when you looking,
you let me hide
310
00:11:56,010 --> 00:11:58,929
"defend my honor,
protect my pride
311
00:11:58,980 --> 00:12:01,348
"the good advice,
I've always hated
312
00:12:01,382 --> 00:12:04,050
"but looking back,
it made me greater
313
00:12:04,068 --> 00:12:06,553
"you always told me,
forget the haters
314
00:12:06,571 --> 00:12:09,489
just get my money,
just get my weight up."
315
00:12:09,524 --> 00:12:12,108
Honey, I love Nicki Minaj.
316
00:12:13,778 --> 00:12:15,912
Come on, you don't think
this is a little ridiculous?
317
00:12:15,947 --> 00:12:17,164
Look, at their pretend divorce,
318
00:12:17,198 --> 00:12:19,115
you can sit in the pretend
courtroom and gloat.
319
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:20,567
But just...
until then, just shush.
320
00:12:20,585 --> 00:12:21,501
Thank you, rocky.
321
00:12:21,536 --> 00:12:22,536
And, everyone,
322
00:12:22,570 --> 00:12:24,671
please welcome
our pretend bride.
323
00:12:31,629 --> 00:12:36,249
Now, I think, Shania, you have
something you wanted to share?
324
00:12:36,267 --> 00:12:39,019
All my life, I've always known
I was different.
325
00:12:39,053 --> 00:12:40,770
I like to read
instruction manuals.
326
00:12:40,805 --> 00:12:42,639
I put sour cream on everything.
327
00:12:42,690 --> 00:12:44,357
There's no prescription
in these glasses.
328
00:12:44,392 --> 00:12:46,476
Other kids always thought
that was weird,
329
00:12:46,527 --> 00:12:48,595
so I never made
a lot of friends.
330
00:12:48,613 --> 00:12:50,363
It made me feel alone.
331
00:12:50,398 --> 00:12:51,764
Then I met Wilbur.
332
00:12:51,782 --> 00:12:53,700
And he liked
all that stuff about me.
333
00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:56,269
He made me feel like
it was okay to be who I am.
334
00:12:56,287 --> 00:12:58,772
When I'm with Wilbur,
there's no room to feel weird,
335
00:12:58,806 --> 00:13:01,641
because all I feel is love.
336
00:13:04,495 --> 00:13:06,246
That's why I want to
pretend marry you.
337
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,664
Because when you find
someone who gets you
338
00:13:07,715 --> 00:13:08,965
for who you are, you want to be
339
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,001
with that person
no matter what anyone else
340
00:13:11,052 --> 00:13:12,652
has to say about it.
341
00:13:12,687 --> 00:13:14,638
Wilbur, you have something
you want to share?
342
00:13:14,672 --> 00:13:17,891
Um, Shania, I love you a lot,
343
00:13:17,925 --> 00:13:20,894
and... I have
a piano lesson at 4:00,
344
00:13:20,928 --> 00:13:22,795
so I need to leave by 3:30.
345
00:13:24,965 --> 00:13:26,316
Now, if there's anyone
who knows any reason
346
00:13:26,350 --> 00:13:28,435
why these two should not be
joined in pretend matrimony,
347
00:13:28,469 --> 00:13:31,021
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
348
00:13:31,072 --> 00:13:32,472
Wilbur's a liar!
349
00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:33,640
He doesn't love Shania.
350
00:13:33,658 --> 00:13:34,741
He loves me!
351
00:13:34,775 --> 00:13:36,693
I've been pretend engaged
352
00:13:36,744 --> 00:13:38,311
to Wilbur since third grade.
353
00:13:38,329 --> 00:13:40,497
We're just waiting till I can
ride my bicycle in the street,
354
00:13:40,531 --> 00:13:41,615
and then we're out of here.
355
00:13:41,649 --> 00:13:42,699
He kissed me!
356
00:13:42,750 --> 00:13:43,833
Yesterday.
357
00:13:43,868 --> 00:13:45,452
I wasn't going to say anything,
358
00:13:45,486 --> 00:13:47,337
but Shania's Nana said
if I didn't, I'd burn in hell.
359
00:13:47,371 --> 00:13:48,505
Ow!
360
00:13:48,539 --> 00:13:49,873
What is happening right now?
361
00:13:49,924 --> 00:13:50,840
What did you do?
362
00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:52,342
Sorry, baby.
363
00:13:52,376 --> 00:13:54,711
If I could change for anyone,
it'd be you.
364
00:13:54,762 --> 00:13:56,012
But it's like they say:
365
00:13:56,047 --> 00:13:57,847
You can take the player
out of the game,
366
00:13:57,882 --> 00:13:59,933
but you can't take the game
out of the player.
367
00:13:59,967 --> 00:14:02,519
I loved you.
368
00:14:02,553 --> 00:14:04,337
Everyone, thank you for coming.
369
00:14:04,355 --> 00:14:06,356
Please help yourself
to the sundae bar.
370
00:14:06,390 --> 00:14:07,891
Sweetie, no, no, no.
371
00:14:08,859 --> 00:14:10,610
How could you?
372
00:14:10,645 --> 00:14:12,178
Oh, stop your blubbering.
373
00:14:12,196 --> 00:14:14,681
You know what, you get out
of here before I cut your hair!
374
00:14:14,699 --> 00:14:15,982
He's not worth it.
375
00:14:18,035 --> 00:14:19,653
Shame, huh?
376
00:14:19,687 --> 00:14:21,071
They seemed so good together.
377
00:14:27,795 --> 00:14:29,079
Here, eat your feelings.
378
00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:31,748
Rocky, did you call Disney world
379
00:14:31,799 --> 00:14:33,166
and cancel
the pretend honeymoon?
380
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,968
Bryan, cheer up.
381
00:14:35,002 --> 00:14:36,553
This actually was a nice event.
382
00:14:36,587 --> 00:14:38,388
There's not a lamb slider left.
383
00:14:38,422 --> 00:14:39,872
I ate every damn one.
384
00:14:39,890 --> 00:14:42,258
You know it's gonna backfire
on me later, don't you?
385
00:14:44,712 --> 00:14:46,479
It was a very sweet gesture.
386
00:14:46,514 --> 00:14:47,647
People had fun.
387
00:14:47,682 --> 00:14:48,715
No, David. You were right.
388
00:14:48,733 --> 00:14:49,816
This was a waste of time.
389
00:14:49,850 --> 00:14:51,568
Are you happy?
390
00:14:51,602 --> 00:14:53,069
Shania's in there
absolutely heartbroken.
391
00:14:53,104 --> 00:14:54,237
Shania's like her Nana...
392
00:14:54,271 --> 00:14:55,905
she's tough, she'll get over it.
393
00:14:55,940 --> 00:14:58,358
The important thing is
394
00:14:58,392 --> 00:14:59,943
that the next time she tries
to take a dump on marriage,
395
00:14:59,994 --> 00:15:01,277
she'll think twice.
396
00:15:01,329 --> 00:15:03,029
It wasn't a real wedding.
397
00:15:03,063 --> 00:15:06,449
It was about a little girl
wanting to believe in something.
398
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,201
I want her to believe
in something,
399
00:15:08,235 --> 00:15:09,919
like that marriage is sacred.
400
00:15:09,954 --> 00:15:11,171
Do you have any idea
401
00:15:11,205 --> 00:15:13,289
what kind of role models
your daughter has?
402
00:15:13,341 --> 00:15:17,427
I get it, you don't respect
David and Bryan's relationship.
403
00:15:17,461 --> 00:15:18,762
No.
404
00:15:18,796 --> 00:15:21,348
It's you and me.
405
00:15:21,382 --> 00:15:24,100
Both of our marriages
completely tanked.
406
00:15:24,135 --> 00:15:26,019
And your mother
didn't even bother.
407
00:15:26,053 --> 00:15:28,054
And now you've got her
here with these two
408
00:15:28,088 --> 00:15:31,391
parading around, playing house,
writing their own rules,
409
00:15:31,425 --> 00:15:33,860
defying laws of science
and morality.
410
00:15:33,894 --> 00:15:35,061
With role models like this,
411
00:15:35,095 --> 00:15:38,148
things can only go
one way for Shania,
412
00:15:38,199 --> 00:15:40,400
and you think
I'm trying to hurt her?
413
00:15:40,434 --> 00:15:42,569
I am trying to protect her.
414
00:15:42,603 --> 00:15:43,870
That's great, Nana.
415
00:15:43,904 --> 00:15:46,489
But I need to protect
her from you.
416
00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:47,774
Go home.
417
00:15:47,792 --> 00:15:48,908
Fine.
418
00:15:48,942 --> 00:15:50,493
I will go back to my hotel.
419
00:15:50,544 --> 00:15:51,628
I would rather
420
00:15:51,662 --> 00:15:52,796
pay for my booze
421
00:15:52,830 --> 00:15:55,832
than drink champale out of
a size-12 ballet slipper.
422
00:15:55,883 --> 00:15:58,418
No, not to your hotel.
423
00:15:58,452 --> 00:16:00,220
Go home, Nana.
424
00:16:00,254 --> 00:16:02,172
Pack your bag, get on a plane,
425
00:16:02,223 --> 00:16:04,007
and go back to Ohio for good.
426
00:16:04,058 --> 00:16:06,810
Do you think I would just
walk out on my family?
427
00:16:06,844 --> 00:16:08,478
I'm not your mother.
428
00:16:08,512 --> 00:16:10,129
I am never walking away.
429
00:16:10,147 --> 00:16:12,565
I love you. I love Shania.
430
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,435
You know, since the day you
were born on that porch,
431
00:16:15,469 --> 00:16:16,903
I have done nothing
432
00:16:16,937 --> 00:16:18,822
but put your needs
ahead of my own,
433
00:16:18,856 --> 00:16:21,107
and then your daughter's,
434
00:16:21,141 --> 00:16:23,159
and this is the thanks I get.
435
00:16:26,664 --> 00:16:28,915
Lamb sliders are gay.
436
00:16:28,949 --> 00:16:30,200
I'm going to have
437
00:16:30,251 --> 00:16:32,869
a hearty meal
at the chick-fil-a.
438
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,337
Oh, I want to go.
I miss chick-fil-a.
439
00:16:34,371 --> 00:16:35,371
Uh-uh. No.
440
00:16:35,423 --> 00:16:36,989
Oh, okay. Calm down.
441
00:16:44,688 --> 00:16:45,671
Hey, sweetie.
442
00:16:45,689 --> 00:16:47,306
Can I come lie with you?
443
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,609
Sure, just don't shower me
with sunshine.
444
00:16:49,643 --> 00:16:52,311
I'm not ready for my melancholy
to leak out just yet.
445
00:16:58,902 --> 00:17:00,570
I'm sorry your heart hurts,
446
00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:02,438
but the next time
love comes knocking,
447
00:17:02,472 --> 00:17:04,507
don't be afraid
to open the door, okay?
448
00:17:04,541 --> 00:17:06,242
Mom, did you let me
have that fake wedding
449
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:07,660
so I'd learn a lesson from it?
450
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:08,828
No.
451
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,663
But why didn't I think of that?
452
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,531
You're so much wiser
than your years, monkey.
453
00:17:12,549 --> 00:17:14,199
I get that from you.
454
00:17:14,217 --> 00:17:16,202
Actually, I get lots of
good things from you.
455
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,037
I know you're always
looking out for me.
456
00:17:18,055 --> 00:17:20,389
Makes it so I'm not
afraid to fail,
457
00:17:20,424 --> 00:17:22,425
even at stuff that
seems a little weird,
458
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:23,843
like pretend weddings.
459
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,210
Or like the time
you wanted to start
460
00:17:25,228 --> 00:17:26,646
your own line of
deep-fried jewelry?
461
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:27,897
I still think there's something
462
00:17:27,931 --> 00:17:29,966
in that whole "stylish
and delicious" area.
463
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:34,854
Do you know how lucky
I am that you're mine?
464
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,322
You're the greatest mom ever
465
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,190
'cause you set
the best example...
466
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,191
Oh, thank you, baby.
467
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:41,727
Of what not to do.
468
00:17:41,745 --> 00:17:43,279
I'm not going to have
sex or get pregnant,
469
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,031
and I'm definitely
gonna go to college
470
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:48,367
and someday become the most
venerated volcanologist ever.
471
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,902
That's just a placeholder.
472
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,253
Dreams can change.
473
00:17:51,288 --> 00:17:53,589
Just make sure
you never stop dreaming.
474
00:17:53,624 --> 00:17:56,375
Okay, I'm going to leave you
with your melancholy.
475
00:18:01,098 --> 00:18:04,083
Why, Wilbur? Why?
476
00:18:04,101 --> 00:18:05,184
Disaster is still looming...
477
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,755
I was calling you all day.
You could have picked up.
478
00:18:09,773 --> 00:18:10,923
I was too depressed to answer.
479
00:18:10,941 --> 00:18:12,925
Even after her
extreme weight loss,
480
00:18:12,943 --> 00:18:15,061
Teresa still thinks she looks
huge in all those dresses.
481
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:16,862
Why can't Teresa
forget about her past?
482
00:18:16,897 --> 00:18:19,065
Why can't Teresa just have
her day in the sun?
483
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,783
Get up. We're going
for Chinese food.
484
00:18:20,817 --> 00:18:22,151
I have to see how this ends.
485
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,970
Teresa says
yes to the dress.
486
00:18:24,004 --> 00:18:25,488
David, don't be glib!
487
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,390
They don't always find
the dress they're looking for.
488
00:18:27,424 --> 00:18:29,108
Why are we here?
You promised me dumplings.
489
00:18:29,126 --> 00:18:30,209
There's something I have to do.
490
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,494
It'll only take a minute.
491
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,129
I don't like being in
your office after dark.
492
00:18:33,163 --> 00:18:34,463
It feels like there are ghosts.
493
00:18:34,498 --> 00:18:36,082
Ghosts of patients who couldn't
understand their co-pay
494
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,084
and died talking to
their insurance company.
495
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,252
Hi, Bryan.
Pretend like I'm not here.
496
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,622
There's something
I want to ask you,
497
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,808
and I could only
do it like this.
498
00:18:45,842 --> 00:18:47,977
David, stop it.
What's going on?
499
00:18:48,011 --> 00:18:49,461
Just give me a minute.
500
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,067
You doing okay?
501
00:18:55,102 --> 00:18:56,301
Yeah, I'm great. You do you.
502
00:18:58,872 --> 00:19:00,472
There.
503
00:19:00,490 --> 00:19:01,473
Hold it right there.
504
00:19:01,491 --> 00:19:03,909
Steady. Oh, David.
505
00:19:03,944 --> 00:19:07,163
David, look, you can see his
or her tiny, little fingers.
506
00:19:13,203 --> 00:19:14,503
What are you doing?
Is it my birthday.
507
00:19:14,538 --> 00:19:17,173
I wanted to do it like this,
508
00:19:17,207 --> 00:19:19,158
in front of our baby,
509
00:19:19,176 --> 00:19:24,130
so that one day, he or she
could say, "I was there."
510
00:19:25,482 --> 00:19:28,851
"I was there
when my daddies got engaged."
511
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:34,974
There was this, uh, moment
at Shania's fake wedding
512
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,942
when I looked over at you,
513
00:19:36,977 --> 00:19:39,678
and the tears
in your eyes were real.
514
00:19:39,696 --> 00:19:44,016
I always knew how important
getting married was to you,
515
00:19:44,034 --> 00:19:47,653
but it wasn't until that moment
that I truly understood
516
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,288
what commitment meant.
517
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,323
We're having a baby, Bry.
518
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,894
This is our family.
519
00:19:54,928 --> 00:19:57,362
You, me,
520
00:19:57,380 --> 00:20:00,049
and that kid.
521
00:20:00,083 --> 00:20:01,517
Forever.
522
00:20:01,551 --> 00:20:05,688
Family is the ultimate
commitment.
523
00:20:05,722 --> 00:20:08,841
Getting married,
it just seems...
524
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,843
I don't know, easy.
525
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,545
But you don't believe in it.
526
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,146
But you do,
527
00:20:14,181 --> 00:20:16,315
and I believe in us.
528
00:20:19,019 --> 00:20:21,020
Oh.
529
00:20:24,608 --> 00:20:25,908
Bryan Collins...
530
00:20:25,942 --> 00:20:28,194
Oh, my God, it's happening.
531
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:30,562
Will you do me the honor
532
00:20:30,580 --> 00:20:33,082
of being my husband?
533
00:20:33,116 --> 00:20:35,334
Yes.
534
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,771
Shania, honey, I know
you're disappointed
535
00:20:46,773 --> 00:20:47,905
that the wedding didn't happen,
536
00:20:47,907 --> 00:20:49,190
but you know when I'm sad,
537
00:20:49,192 --> 00:20:50,441
I like to do something
called "eat my feelings,"
538
00:20:50,443 --> 00:20:51,609
and I'd like to share
it with you right now.
539
00:20:51,611 --> 00:20:54,173
What's that?
Well, when you feel sad,
540
00:20:54,204 --> 00:20:56,150
you just eat stuff until
you're not sad anymore.
541
00:20:58,957 --> 00:21:01,993
It's really healing. Try it.
542
00:21:04,546 --> 00:21:06,330
Yeah, really get in there.
543
00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:09,417
I mean, who needs boys
when you can have sugar?
544
00:21:09,419 --> 00:21:11,969
You know?
545
00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:14,172
He wasn't that great anyway.
546
00:21:14,174 --> 00:21:15,339
It's okay, honey.
547
00:21:15,341 --> 00:21:16,541
Just keep eating.
548
00:21:16,573 --> 00:21:21,985
Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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