Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:38,357 --> 00:00:41,079
Ow! Yeah!
2
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,561
Hey, budski!
3
00:00:42,562 --> 00:00:44,724
All right, man?
Just watching the racing.
4
00:00:44,725 --> 00:00:46,806
I've got a bet
on the dispenser 55.
5
00:00:46,807 --> 00:00:48,448
Come on, Golden Boy, you big lump.
6
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:52,293
Golders! There we go!
Come on, you're winning by a snout!
7
00:00:52,294 --> 00:00:55,216
That's the lad! Come on,
you fine thing, you! Here we go!
8
00:00:55,217 --> 00:00:57,499
God!
9
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,822
You lazy fat pig.
10
00:00:59,823 --> 00:01:02,026
That's 100 dollar-pounds
down the crapper.
11
00:01:03,387 --> 00:01:04,909
Pigs racing!
12
00:01:05,951 --> 00:01:07,713
Hey! What's this?
13
00:01:09,034 --> 00:01:12,317
Found that in Petersen's quarters.
Some crazy stuff in that, man.
14
00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:15,602
For instance, did you know
that in the 1970s in Sweden,
15
00:01:15,603 --> 00:01:18,966
20% of all traffic accidents
involved a moose?
16
00:01:18,967 --> 00:01:21,248
A moose?
It's crazy, that, isn't it?
17
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:24,973
Well, if they're stupid enough
to let 'em drive, what the hell do they expect?
18
00:01:24,974 --> 00:01:27,776
The moose aren't driving.
You just said they were.
19
00:01:27,777 --> 00:01:30,221
They're not driving -
just causing the accidents.
20
00:01:30,222 --> 00:01:34,665
You mean they're in the back
fooling around, distracting the driver? That is insane.
21
00:01:34,666 --> 00:01:37,148
Why they giving them a lift
in the first place?
22
00:01:37,149 --> 00:01:38,910
Let 'em walk! They got legs!
23
00:01:38,911 --> 00:01:42,074
No, the moose aren't in the cars,
antlers out the sunroof.
24
00:01:42,075 --> 00:01:45,558
They're in the roads, moosing about,
crossing roads, causing accidents.
25
00:01:45,559 --> 00:01:48,282
You mean they're not looking
left and right? Exactly.
26
00:01:48,283 --> 00:01:50,605
Not using the pedestrian crossings?
Exactly.
27
00:01:50,606 --> 00:01:53,728
Not paying attention to whether it's
a little green man or a red man?
28
00:01:53,729 --> 00:01:57,373
Of course they're not!
They're mooses! Eesh!
29
00:01:57,374 --> 00:02:00,298
These Swedes - they expect too much.
30
00:02:03,902 --> 00:02:06,945
Ah, Kryten.
Mail, sir, internal.
31
00:02:06,946 --> 00:02:08,947
Excellent. I resat my astronavs.
32
00:02:08,948 --> 00:02:11,390
Again, sir? Is that wise?
33
00:02:11,391 --> 00:02:14,033
I want to be an officer, Kryten.
I can't help myself.
34
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:18,199
I've always loved leading. Being
a leader, doing leadery things.
35
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,042
Bossing people about, sir? Exactly.
36
00:02:21,043 --> 00:02:23,845
But aren't you concerned,
though, sir, if you fail,
37
00:02:23,846 --> 00:02:26,490
you'll spend another weekend
sobbing inside a cupboard?
38
00:02:28,933 --> 00:02:31,174
I've only failed nine times, Kryten.
39
00:02:31,175 --> 00:02:34,499
You make me sound like
a complete halfwit. Here we go.
40
00:02:34,500 --> 00:02:36,020
Good luck, sir.
41
00:02:45,994 --> 00:02:47,434
You do, sir?
42
00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:50,118
Absolutely, Kryten.
It's a fiendishly difficult paper.
43
00:02:50,119 --> 00:02:52,641
And I've decided
not to be so hard on myself.
44
00:02:52,642 --> 00:02:54,683
If I pass, splendissimo.
45
00:02:54,684 --> 00:02:57,448
If I fail, hey-ho, pip and dandy.
46
00:02:59,891 --> 00:03:01,572
That's my new life slogan.
47
00:03:01,573 --> 00:03:04,215
Oh. Hey-ho, pip and what, sir?
48
00:03:04,216 --> 00:03:07,699
Sometimes you have to learn how to
lose before you're ready to win.
49
00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:10,022
It's all in this fascinating book
I'm reading.
50
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,505
Oh, what's it called, sir?
51
00:03:11,506 --> 00:03:15,349
Sometimes You Have To Learn How
To Lose Before You're Ready To Win.
52
00:03:15,350 --> 00:03:21,316
It's not a long book, Kryten,
but it makes a good point, I think, which is...
53
00:03:21,317 --> 00:03:24,600
Sometimes you have to learn how to
lose before you're ready to win.
54
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:26,123
You've read it?
55
00:03:27,445 --> 00:03:29,086
Er... actually, no, I haven't, sir.
56
00:03:29,087 --> 00:03:31,128
Ah, sounds like you have. Anyway...
57
00:03:31,129 --> 00:03:32,770
the point is, after reading it,
58
00:03:32,771 --> 00:03:35,854
I'm much more forgiving
of my little faults and failures.
59
00:03:35,855 --> 00:03:39,458
Whatever the result, I shall
accept it with calm equilibrium.
60
00:03:39,459 --> 00:03:42,182
Hey-ho, pip and dandy, sir!
61
00:03:42,183 --> 00:03:43,585
Exactly.
62
00:03:58,163 --> 00:04:01,325
Can you never, ever,
succeed at anything?!
63
00:04:01,326 --> 00:04:05,011
You useless, rancid, cancerous
sack of sick!
64
00:04:09,496 --> 00:04:13,541
I'm guessing this is a hey-ho,
pip and dandy moment, sir.
65
00:04:15,103 --> 00:04:18,066
'Your craft
has just entered the catchment area
66
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:21,270
'for the All-Droid Mail Order
Shopping Station.'
67
00:04:21,271 --> 00:04:22,512
Hey, what's this?
68
00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:25,916
'Welcome to All-Droid,
where shopping's made easy.
69
00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:30,121
'That is totally astonishing!
Talk me through this, Bob.'
70
00:04:30,122 --> 00:04:33,125
Oh, these shopping channel ads
are just so lame.
71
00:04:33,126 --> 00:04:36,609
'You simply put your sugar
into your coffee like so,
72
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,571
place it in the housing unit...'
73
00:04:38,572 --> 00:04:40,454
Who buys this junk?
74
00:04:40,455 --> 00:04:42,416
'..grab your Stirmaster,
75
00:04:42,417 --> 00:04:46,221
'and the Stirmaster
stirs your coffee for you!
76
00:04:46,222 --> 00:04:48,744
'Golly! Even I could do that!'
77
00:04:48,745 --> 00:04:51,948
Who'd want that? It's totally junk.
78
00:04:51,949 --> 00:04:54,391
'The average person
who lives to their 90s,
79
00:04:54,392 --> 00:04:56,193
'and has six cups of coffee a day,
80
00:04:56,194 --> 00:04:59,317
'spends over two weeks
stirring drinks!
81
00:04:59,318 --> 00:05:01,239
'Oh, my!' Two weeks?
82
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:02,601
Two weeks?
83
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:04,643
'Think what you could do
in that time.
84
00:05:04,644 --> 00:05:08,248
'Two weeks stirring,
or two weeks skiing?
85
00:05:08,249 --> 00:05:11,852
'I know what I'd rather do!
Ha-ha! Me too!
86
00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:13,574
'The Stirmaster.
87
00:05:13,575 --> 00:05:16,618
'A lovely addition
to any modern kitchen.
88
00:05:16,619 --> 00:05:17,901
'Buy yours now!'
89
00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:20,222
I want one. What about you?
90
00:05:20,223 --> 00:05:22,026
I'd like to order a Stirmaster,
please.
91
00:05:22,027 --> 00:05:23,987
Two. Make it two.
92
00:05:23,988 --> 00:05:28,032
'You are presently in
a queue, but we care about your call
93
00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:31,437
'and promise to deal with your order
as soon as possible.'
94
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,362
Sirs? The scouters
have located a derelict.
95
00:05:36,363 --> 00:05:39,407
I'm getting a Stirmaster.
I'm getting one, too.
96
00:05:43,412 --> 00:05:45,575
Have you seen this about mooses?
97
00:05:48,899 --> 00:05:52,143
- Did you have to bring that?
- I'm next up!
98
00:06:00,273 --> 00:06:02,795
Hey, nice ship.
99
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:05,718
A Quantum Twister, Listey.
The pride of the Space Corps.
100
00:06:05,719 --> 00:06:07,761
My three brothers
served on ships like this.
101
00:06:07,762 --> 00:06:10,885
I had no idea, sir.
What were they - waiters or barmen?
102
00:06:10,886 --> 00:06:13,448
Captains, Kryten.
103
00:06:13,449 --> 00:06:16,452
Proud Fellows of the Space Corps
Super-Infinity Fleet.
104
00:06:16,453 --> 00:06:19,495
And your brothers have the same
genes as you? That's impressive.
105
00:06:19,496 --> 00:06:21,899
It's like a pole-vaulter winning gold
with a chopstick.
106
00:06:23,902 --> 00:06:25,624
It must make you so proud, though,
sir,
107
00:06:25,625 --> 00:06:28,627
knowing that your brothers
served on ships like this.
108
00:06:28,628 --> 00:06:30,829
Must give you a warm glow
in your heart.
109
00:06:30,830 --> 00:06:33,553
Yes, it's called heartburn, Kryten.
110
00:06:33,554 --> 00:06:36,556
I also get palpitations and nausea.
111
00:06:36,557 --> 00:06:40,081
How can you be jealous? Those
Space Corps jocks were all jerks.
112
00:06:40,082 --> 00:06:43,565
Just a load of over-privileged,
practical-joke-playing party boys.
113
00:06:43,566 --> 00:06:47,890
Party boys? They were space marines,
Listey, ripped and pipped.
114
00:06:47,891 --> 00:06:49,492
Do you know what their slogan is?
115
00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:53,537
"While you sleep,
we're probably saving the universe."
116
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:56,341
You sure? I thought it was,
"While you sleep,
117
00:06:56,342 --> 00:06:59,506
"we're probably shaving off your
pubes and gluing them to your head."
118
00:07:01,268 --> 00:07:03,429
Hey, maybe we could swap ships.
119
00:07:03,430 --> 00:07:05,752
This baby's got to be better
than Red Dwarf.
120
00:07:05,753 --> 00:07:08,516
That crate's slower
than the speed of dark.
121
00:07:08,517 --> 00:07:12,401
Unfortunately impossible, sir.
The Trojan is not flight-worthy.
122
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:17,527
There must be 40 buttons here,
all for the captain only...
123
00:07:17,528 --> 00:07:20,010
his special private
captainy buttons.
124
00:07:20,011 --> 00:07:21,371
40!
125
00:07:21,372 --> 00:07:26,177
This could have been mine. Why could
I never pass my damned astronavs?
126
00:07:26,178 --> 00:07:29,021
Those Space Corps boys
had everything. The buttons, the blasters,
127
00:07:29,022 --> 00:07:32,426
the snug elasticated jumpsuits.
They had it all!
128
00:07:35,149 --> 00:07:36,510
Did you see that?
129
00:07:36,511 --> 00:07:38,634
That was cool!
130
00:07:39,675 --> 00:07:41,036
Do it again.
131
00:07:41,037 --> 00:07:42,477
Are you OK?
132
00:07:42,478 --> 00:07:45,401
My Light Bee must have glitched.
Look, I'm going for a look around.
133
00:07:45,402 --> 00:07:48,885
'Welcome to All-Droid.'
Hello? Yeah, still here. Still holding.
134
00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:50,768
Stirmaster!
135
00:07:50,769 --> 00:07:54,093
Don't forget me! I want one, too!
136
00:07:55,895 --> 00:07:59,779
This ship's got everything.
It's light years ahead of Red Dwarf.
137
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:01,462
It's even got one of these.
138
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,187
A greeny, glowy thing.
139
00:08:06,188 --> 00:08:08,990
Mm. Sir. That is a quantum rod, sir.
140
00:08:08,991 --> 00:08:12,194
It acts like a magnet,
allowing the ship to star-jump.
141
00:08:12,195 --> 00:08:13,996
Does it? How?
142
00:08:13,997 --> 00:08:17,841
Well, quite simply, sir,
it draws things formerly connected back together
143
00:08:17,842 --> 00:08:22,086
and, as everything is made
of energy, and all energy was present at the big bang,
144
00:08:22,087 --> 00:08:24,129
then everything is connected.
145
00:08:24,130 --> 00:08:27,172
So the rod reconnects things
light years apart,
146
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:30,056
allowing the ship to contract
space/time.
147
00:08:30,057 --> 00:08:31,778
Kryten, you have a real gift.
148
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:34,301
You make things that are
really, really complicated
149
00:08:34,302 --> 00:08:36,344
sound really, really complicated.
150
00:08:36,345 --> 00:08:38,186
It is a little sensitive, sir.
151
00:08:38,187 --> 00:08:40,270
You should put it back.
152
00:08:44,835 --> 00:08:46,316
What the hell was that?
153
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,759
'This is the Columbus 3.
Do you read me? Over.'
154
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,763
Another ship! 'This is Columbus 3.'
How do we answer it?
155
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,925
Where's the comm switch?
'Do you read me? Over.'
156
00:08:53,926 --> 00:08:55,647
Ah, I've got it.
157
00:08:55,648 --> 00:08:58,171
Rog, Columbus 3.
158
00:08:58,172 --> 00:09:00,333
This is former First Tech
Maintenance Division,
159
00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:02,976
now Acting Commander
Captain Arnold J Rimmer
160
00:09:02,977 --> 00:09:05,660
of the Deep Space Explorer Craft,
Red Dwarf.
161
00:09:05,661 --> 00:09:07,101
What's happening to the chair?
162
00:09:07,102 --> 00:09:08,983
I think that one is the comm switch,
sir.
163
00:09:08,984 --> 00:09:10,867
Why couldn't they mark it
more clearly?
164
00:09:10,868 --> 00:09:12,909
Someone could look a real idiot
doing that.
165
00:09:12,910 --> 00:09:15,552
'This is Columbus 3. Come in.
Do you copy? Over.
166
00:09:15,553 --> 00:09:17,715
'Need help, and fast. Over.'
167
00:09:17,716 --> 00:09:19,357
Go, Columbus. Over.
168
00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:22,641
'Crew dead. Main drive fragmenting.
Do you copy? Over.'
169
00:09:22,642 --> 00:09:24,483
Affirmative. Over.
170
00:09:24,484 --> 00:09:26,606
'Navigation locked in a death dive.
171
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,769
'Ship will impact meteor storm
in 17 hours.
172
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,172
'This is Ship Hologram Howard Rimmer.
173
00:09:32,173 --> 00:09:34,176
'Can you help us? Over.'
174
00:09:35,858 --> 00:09:38,060
What? Over.
175
00:09:38,061 --> 00:09:42,345
Your brother, sir! What are
the chances? It's extraordinary. Did the rod do this?
176
00:09:42,346 --> 00:09:46,390
'Ship Hologram Howard Rimmer.
Can you help? Over.'
177
00:09:46,391 --> 00:09:49,394
I can't meet him. How can I meet
him? He's a captain, I'm a nobody.
178
00:09:49,395 --> 00:09:53,399
A vending-machine repair man.
I can't save his life - it's too embarrassing!
179
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,842
'Trojan, confirm coordinates
received. Over.'
180
00:09:55,843 --> 00:09:59,166
Er... received. Over. Sir,
shall I prepare the teleporters?
181
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:03,091
I've got 15 hours to pass
my astronavs, become his equal. Then I can save him.
182
00:10:04,213 --> 00:10:07,736
Columbus, we're on our way.
We'll be there in 15 hours. Over.
183
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:10,379
But, sir, we could be there
in a matter of seconds.
184
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:12,822
Kryten, as your superior officer,
185
00:10:12,823 --> 00:10:15,506
I order you to erase the last
five minutes of your memory.
186
00:10:15,507 --> 00:10:17,829
But, sir, that contravenes
my rights of service.
187
00:10:17,830 --> 00:10:19,431
In which case, I also order you
188
00:10:19,432 --> 00:10:22,395
to erase the memory of the order
I just gave you to erase it.
189
00:10:41,859 --> 00:10:45,302
Lister, will you turn that damn
thing off? I'm trying to revise.
190
00:10:45,303 --> 00:10:48,506
I'm getting that Stirmaster, Rimmer.
I'm not hanging up this phone.
191
00:10:48,507 --> 00:10:51,390
It goes everywhere with me.
The loo, the bath - you name it.
192
00:10:51,391 --> 00:10:54,313
If Kochanski walks through that door
now and wants sex,
193
00:10:54,314 --> 00:10:57,678
I'll wedge it in me bum crack
and get to work.
194
00:10:57,679 --> 00:11:00,362
I am not hanging up the phone.
195
00:11:02,485 --> 00:11:05,647
A lateral-thinking question.
I've never been good at these.
196
00:11:05,648 --> 00:11:07,650
Come on, then. Come on, hit me.
197
00:11:07,651 --> 00:11:10,453
Right, it's 1971.
198
00:11:10,454 --> 00:11:12,856
A Swedish man crashes into a tree.
199
00:11:12,857 --> 00:11:15,019
What causes the accident?
200
00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:17,463
It's nothing medical.
Nothing wrong with the car.
201
00:11:19,065 --> 00:11:21,347
Right, so, um...
202
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:25,992
Swedish guy drives into a tree.
What caused the accident?
203
00:11:25,993 --> 00:11:28,996
Answer's in the back, right? Right.
204
00:11:28,997 --> 00:11:32,320
Wow! It's a really hard one, that.
205
00:11:32,321 --> 00:11:35,885
I mean, you've probably got to be
pretty damn smart
206
00:11:35,886 --> 00:11:37,768
to get a question like that right.
207
00:11:39,090 --> 00:11:42,533
You know what? I'm gonna go for
a moose. A moose?!
208
00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:45,416
Yeah, it was in the road.
He swerved to avoid the moose.
209
00:11:45,417 --> 00:11:47,139
Are you insane? How can it be a...?
210
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,981
It's a moose.
211
00:11:48,982 --> 00:11:50,864
Sometimes life is good.
212
00:11:51,865 --> 00:11:55,989
Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you
it's ten minutes to your exam.
213
00:11:55,990 --> 00:11:59,474
Kryten, a lateral-thinking question.
Just got it myself.
214
00:11:59,475 --> 00:12:00,955
It's 1971.
215
00:12:00,956 --> 00:12:04,400
A Swedish man drives into a tree.
What causes the accident?
216
00:12:04,401 --> 00:12:06,603
It's a moose, sir.
He swerves and hits a tree.
217
00:12:09,006 --> 00:12:11,969
Is it me? How did you get that?
218
00:12:11,970 --> 00:12:14,452
Get what? I've got something for you.
219
00:12:14,453 --> 00:12:16,975
A lateral-thinking question.
A lottery what?
220
00:12:16,976 --> 00:12:19,979
Ah, I knew I could rely on you.
221
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:21,821
What caused this accident?
222
00:12:21,822 --> 00:12:23,663
What accident?
223
00:12:23,664 --> 00:12:26,268
No, it's a question, all right?
Are you ready?
224
00:12:27,469 --> 00:12:30,111
It's 1971. A man...
225
00:12:30,112 --> 00:12:31,394
Was he Swedish?
226
00:12:35,118 --> 00:12:36,560
Yes. A moose.
227
00:12:45,892 --> 00:12:46,933
It was a moose.
228
00:12:48,295 --> 00:12:50,857
He swerved to avoid it
and hit a tree.
229
00:12:50,858 --> 00:12:54,221
Oh, the moose is on the road,
by the way, not in the car driving.
230
00:12:54,222 --> 00:12:57,426
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
231
00:12:58,948 --> 00:13:01,550
Who am I kidding?
I'm never going to pass this exam.
232
00:13:01,551 --> 00:13:03,153
It's so unfair!
233
00:13:21,829 --> 00:13:24,832
Look at his eyes. They're
spinning beach balls of doom.
234
00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:26,634
His hard disk must have crashed.
235
00:13:26,635 --> 00:13:29,397
Mmm. He's completely helpless.
What are we going to do?
236
00:13:29,398 --> 00:13:31,641
I say we draw a moustache on him.
237
00:13:32,842 --> 00:13:35,845
What? It's a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
238
00:13:35,846 --> 00:13:37,487
Then we fix it.
239
00:13:37,488 --> 00:13:41,012
But, first, get out the felt-tips.
240
00:13:41,013 --> 00:13:43,576
Who's this?
Oh, look, you can't do this.
241
00:13:44,577 --> 00:13:47,020
You got who it is yet?
Oh, look, this is so wrong.
242
00:13:47,021 --> 00:13:49,662
You can't do this.
It's so... It's so...
243
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,185
It's Salvador Dali. My go!
244
00:13:59,075 --> 00:14:01,317
How long have I been out?
245
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:04,842
Three hours. It took longer than
we thought to rub off the felt-tip.
246
00:14:06,083 --> 00:14:07,164
What happened?
247
00:14:07,165 --> 00:14:12,170
Well, sir, your hard drive was
overrun by a form of self-created malware, sir...
248
00:14:12,171 --> 00:14:15,894
millions of unnecessary memory files
clogging up your system.
249
00:14:15,895 --> 00:14:19,459
The average person
has 3,000 different thoughts a day.
250
00:14:19,460 --> 00:14:21,702
HE only has three.
251
00:14:21,703 --> 00:14:25,546
But of your thoughts,
over 60% were you obsessing about past resentments.
252
00:14:25,547 --> 00:14:28,190
Your brothers' success,
your career failure,
253
00:14:28,191 --> 00:14:30,153
your death, your lousy sex life.
254
00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:36,079
Over the years, your system has
become so engorged with resentment,
255
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,122
you've had a massive data jam.
256
00:14:38,123 --> 00:14:40,565
Are you saying
I'm a resentful person?
257
00:14:40,566 --> 00:14:42,368
I really resent that.
258
00:14:43,409 --> 00:14:46,132
Probably explains
why you couldn't pass the exam.
259
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,094
There's no room left in your head.
260
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,216
So, what happens now?
261
00:14:49,217 --> 00:14:53,300
Well, we've drained the resentments
and we've cleaned up your hard drive.
262
00:14:53,301 --> 00:14:55,143
Oh. I feel different.
263
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:57,305
My head definitely feels roomier.
264
00:14:57,306 --> 00:15:00,791
Once, I lived in a tiny one-bed.
Now I'm in a barn conversion.
265
00:15:02,072 --> 00:15:05,596
This is great! I can finally
pass that exam, impress Howard.
266
00:15:05,597 --> 00:15:07,678
What, your brother?
267
00:15:07,679 --> 00:15:09,519
We got a distress call
from his ship.
268
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,764
I didn't want to see him
until I'd become an officer.
269
00:15:11,765 --> 00:15:14,166
Howard? Wasn't he the one
in the Space Scouts
270
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:16,290
who painted your todge
with orange glow paint?
271
00:15:17,812 --> 00:15:21,816
For three whole nights,
I could read Biggles Flies West under the bed sheets
272
00:15:21,817 --> 00:15:24,259
without needing a torch.
273
00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:28,585
When I lay on my back,
I could have doubled as a lighthouse for really small ships.
274
00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:32,348
He teased me mercilessly.
275
00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:35,913
Hardly a day went by when he didn't
swirly my head down the toilet
276
00:15:35,914 --> 00:15:38,997
or leave me wedgied to a door hook,
sometimes for hours.
277
00:15:38,998 --> 00:15:40,920
Hey, this guy sounds amazing!
278
00:15:43,363 --> 00:15:47,087
Who am I kidding? Passing this exam
isn't going to solve anything.
279
00:15:47,088 --> 00:15:50,291
So I'm an officer on board
a beat-up old mining ship.
280
00:15:50,292 --> 00:15:52,094
That's not going to impress Howard.
281
00:15:52,095 --> 00:15:57,099
Extraordinary! His powers of logic
and reasoning have improved dramatically.
282
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:59,222
You don't have to impress him.
283
00:15:59,223 --> 00:16:02,466
You've always had
this stupid rivalry with your brothers, haven't you?
284
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:05,109
Look what it's got you.
A hard drive full of resentment.
285
00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:08,032
But now you've got a choice.
Are you going to grow up
286
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,475
and let him see you
for who you really are,
287
00:16:10,476 --> 00:16:13,399
or are you going to carry on
being a lying, cheating weasel,
288
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,202
pretending to be
something you're not?
289
00:16:16,324 --> 00:16:18,887
I think we all know
the answer to this.
290
00:16:42,556 --> 00:16:44,918
Coordinates locked and logged, sirs.
291
00:16:44,919 --> 00:16:48,282
Teleport active! Everyone ready?
Lister, hang up that damn phone.
292
00:16:48,283 --> 00:16:50,845
No way am I hanging up the phone,
Rimmer.
293
00:16:50,846 --> 00:16:53,167
No way am I talking
to seven different droids again,
294
00:16:53,168 --> 00:16:55,372
giving each and every one of them
a name and address,
295
00:16:55,373 --> 00:16:58,935
only for the next droid to ask me
the same set of stupid smegging questions.
296
00:16:58,936 --> 00:17:03,140
Now, look. I will play along
with your silly little charade, but I'm not hanging up the phone.
297
00:17:03,141 --> 00:17:06,024
Well, put it somewhere. Hide it.
Put it away. Here they come.
298
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,507
Coming through now, sir.
299
00:17:16,117 --> 00:17:17,478
Arnold?
300
00:17:17,479 --> 00:17:19,761
Is that... you?
301
00:17:19,762 --> 00:17:22,124
Welcome aboard, Howard.
302
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,847
Th-This is YOUR ship?
303
00:17:24,848 --> 00:17:27,050
YOU'RE in the Space Corps?
304
00:17:27,051 --> 00:17:28,372
You?
305
00:17:29,494 --> 00:17:33,619
Captain Arnold J Rimmer, holder
of the Gold Oblong of Pluck...
306
00:17:34,980 --> 00:17:38,063
..and proud Fellow of the
Space Corps Super-Infinity Fleet.
307
00:17:38,064 --> 00:17:40,307
But you were an utter twat!
308
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,512
How on earth did you get
in the Space Corps?
309
00:17:45,513 --> 00:17:47,715
And how did you pass the exams?
310
00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:51,601
Your brain's smaller than the salad
section in a Scottish supermarket.
311
00:17:53,283 --> 00:17:56,367
I'm sorry to disappoint you,
Howie, but I made it.
312
00:17:57,848 --> 00:17:59,369
Enchante, mademoiselle.
313
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,652
Charmed, Captain Rimmer.
314
00:18:01,653 --> 00:18:03,174
Sim Crawford.
315
00:18:03,175 --> 00:18:06,458
What happened to that rust bucket
mining ship you were on?
316
00:18:06,459 --> 00:18:08,221
We all thought you'd gone down
with that.
317
00:18:08,222 --> 00:18:10,463
Passed my astronavs, Howster.
318
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:13,667
Got a placement here
and was fast-tracked to the top.
319
00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,910
Allow me to introduce you
to my crew.
320
00:18:15,911 --> 00:18:19,595
Over here we have flight coordinator
Kryten Krytenski.
321
00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:23,399
It's a great pleasure
to meet you, sir.
322
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,603
I understand Captain Rimmer
learned all his leadership qualities
323
00:18:26,604 --> 00:18:29,046
and supreme bravery from you, sir.
324
00:18:29,047 --> 00:18:31,489
Oh, hush, you.
325
00:18:31,490 --> 00:18:33,251
It's so embarrassing.
326
00:18:33,252 --> 00:18:35,053
A mechanoid!
327
00:18:35,054 --> 00:18:37,777
Why don't you get a simulant
like Crawford?
328
00:18:37,778 --> 00:18:40,780
I like working with
the underprivileged, Howard.
329
00:18:40,781 --> 00:18:44,225
The down and out.
The deranged and needy.
330
00:18:44,226 --> 00:18:47,428
When we found Kryten, he was
a burnt-out wreck on a junk heap.
331
00:18:47,429 --> 00:18:50,512
And you rebuilt him -
gave him something to live for.
332
00:18:50,513 --> 00:18:53,437
No, we just hosed him down
and gave him a hat.
333
00:18:57,161 --> 00:19:00,364
And as part of our interspecies
programme,
334
00:19:00,365 --> 00:19:02,567
our very able navigation officer,
335
00:19:02,568 --> 00:19:05,051
flight officer Gerald Hampton.
336
00:19:07,014 --> 00:19:08,535
Gerald Hampton.
337
00:19:09,817 --> 00:19:11,458
Hampton!
338
00:19:11,459 --> 00:19:13,741
Oh! Er... good to meet you, Captain.
339
00:19:13,742 --> 00:19:18,588
And finally, my fearless flight
commander, David Listerton-Smythe.
340
00:19:19,589 --> 00:19:20,950
Hi.
341
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:22,952
Your uniform, the insignia.
342
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:26,196
You're a Touch-T.
Beg your pardon, ma'am?
343
00:19:26,197 --> 00:19:27,758
A Touch-T.
344
00:19:27,759 --> 00:19:31,563
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's exactly
what I am. I'm a Touch-T. Yeah, course I am.
345
00:19:31,564 --> 00:19:33,685
That must be fascinating.
346
00:19:33,686 --> 00:19:37,330
It is. It so is.
Fascinating's exactly what it is.
347
00:19:37,331 --> 00:19:39,614
Ha-ha-ha! He loves it.
Yes, the whole Touch-T thing.
348
00:19:39,615 --> 00:19:42,616
All the different aspects.
Fascinating. Yeah, it's brilliant.
349
00:19:42,617 --> 00:19:44,860
Do you mind showing me?
350
00:19:47,704 --> 00:19:51,307
Just to be able to touch someone
and read their thoughts.
351
00:19:51,308 --> 00:19:54,151
Touch-T is touch-telepathy, sir.
352
00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:56,594
Please, try it on me.
353
00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:59,798
H-Have we got the time? I don't
think we've really got the time.
354
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,720
Hey, we got plenty of time, bud.
355
00:20:01,721 --> 00:20:03,282
Go ahead!
356
00:20:03,283 --> 00:20:05,605
Don't worry about it.
Go ahead, touch him.
357
00:20:05,606 --> 00:20:09,891
I'll think of something,
and you tell me what I'm thinking.
358
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:14,336
OK. OK.
359
00:20:25,270 --> 00:20:28,032
You're thinking...
You're thinking...
360
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:31,116
Um... I'm sensing discomfort.
361
00:20:31,117 --> 00:20:32,838
Um...
362
00:20:32,839 --> 00:20:34,761
pain.
363
00:20:34,762 --> 00:20:37,684
You're thinking
I'm squeezing your head too hard.
364
00:20:37,685 --> 00:20:42,490
That's amazing!
That's exactly what I was thinking.
365
00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:44,693
Shall we move on?
366
00:20:44,694 --> 00:20:47,336
Oh, must we?
I'd like to do another one.
367
00:20:47,337 --> 00:20:50,500
I think so. Oh, OK. Show me
the rest of your ship.
368
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:54,024
The rest of the ship?
Oh, I want to see everything.
369
00:20:54,025 --> 00:20:56,948
So, this is a corridor.
370
00:20:56,949 --> 00:20:58,630
Windows, of course.
371
00:20:58,631 --> 00:21:02,154
We tend to use it very much
as... a corridor.
372
00:21:02,155 --> 00:21:03,796
After you.
373
00:21:03,797 --> 00:21:06,600
'I'm so sorry you've
been kept waiting so long, sir.'
374
00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:09,523
Sorry? Sorry?! It's ridiculous!
375
00:21:09,524 --> 00:21:13,608
I've been on hold for hours now,
listening to that stupid smegging music. 'I'm so sorry, sir.
376
00:21:13,609 --> 00:21:16,732
'Would you like to make a formal
complaint about being put on hold?'
377
00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:19,016
You're damn right I would!
'Please hold.'
378
00:21:20,538 --> 00:21:22,619
I'm at breaking point.
I'm about to crack!
379
00:21:22,620 --> 00:21:27,265
Sir, let me take over.
As a droid myself, I understand how these things work.
380
00:21:27,266 --> 00:21:30,910
I'll have you through
to the right department in no time.
381
00:21:30,911 --> 00:21:34,274
Now, you listen to me,
you trumped-up piece of metal trash!
382
00:21:34,275 --> 00:21:37,197
If you put me through
to one more department
383
00:21:37,198 --> 00:21:39,921
where I'm asked who I am
and what I want,
384
00:21:39,922 --> 00:21:42,924
I will shove this phone
so far up your...
385
00:21:42,925 --> 00:21:45,407
I'll take over from there, Krytes.
386
00:21:45,408 --> 00:21:47,491
Thanks for showing me
how to stay calm.
387
00:21:48,853 --> 00:21:51,495
So, what do you think, Howdy Doody?
388
00:21:51,496 --> 00:21:55,700
Well, this is quite a ship,
quite a crew. Quite incredible.
389
00:21:55,701 --> 00:21:58,023
I still can't wrap my head around it.
390
00:21:58,024 --> 00:22:00,506
You were such a weasel.
391
00:22:00,507 --> 00:22:02,228
Now you've got it all.
392
00:22:02,229 --> 00:22:06,715
The buttons, the blasters,
the snug elasticated jumpsuits.
393
00:22:10,319 --> 00:22:11,680
Look at his eyes.
394
00:22:11,681 --> 00:22:15,164
HE'S resentful of ME?
Sir? Crawford, sir.
395
00:22:15,165 --> 00:22:17,327
Suggest we get
urgent medical assistance.
396
00:22:17,328 --> 00:22:19,690
Don't believe
he'll survive teleportation.
397
00:22:19,691 --> 00:22:23,174
Suggest we fly him to
the medical facility on the All-Droid Space Station.
398
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:26,458
On THIS ship?
Of course on this ship, sir.
399
00:22:26,459 --> 00:22:29,702
Good idea, Crawford.
Plot a course, Lieutenant Commander.
400
00:22:29,703 --> 00:22:32,465
On THIS ship?
Of course on this ship.
401
00:22:32,466 --> 00:22:34,468
Navigation officer, plot a course.
402
00:22:34,469 --> 00:22:36,630
On THIS ship? Of course on this ship!
403
00:22:36,631 --> 00:22:38,833
But I mean... Just do it!
404
00:22:38,834 --> 00:22:43,078
I'll teleport ahead
to the space station and have medidroids on standby.
405
00:22:43,079 --> 00:22:44,480
Good plan.
406
00:22:44,481 --> 00:22:46,724
Course to that place
you asked to go to, plotted.
407
00:22:46,725 --> 00:22:49,286
In your own time,
take us away, Navigation Officer.
408
00:22:49,287 --> 00:22:50,889
That's me. I'll do that!
409
00:22:53,012 --> 00:22:55,494
Strange. I didn't sense us turning.
410
00:22:55,495 --> 00:22:57,456
Er... turning now, ma'am.
411
00:22:57,457 --> 00:22:59,540
Turning right now, ma'am!
412
00:23:05,147 --> 00:23:07,189
We'll see you on the space station,
Crawford.
413
00:23:16,681 --> 00:23:20,524
Kryten! I want you to do
a resentment drain on Howard.
414
00:23:20,525 --> 00:23:23,728
Once he's stable, we'll teleport him
straight to the space station.
415
00:23:23,729 --> 00:23:26,693
Yeah, you do that.
I'm gonna get me another felt-tip.
416
00:23:56,730 --> 00:23:59,452
What happened?
You had a resentment attack.
417
00:23:59,453 --> 00:24:02,616
Because you were so jealous of me,
it froze your entire system,
418
00:24:02,617 --> 00:24:04,419
because you were so jealous! Of me!
419
00:24:04,420 --> 00:24:06,541
I made you that jealous! Me!
420
00:24:06,542 --> 00:24:08,944
That could have wiped
my whole hard drive.
421
00:24:08,945 --> 00:24:12,188
I know.
That's how jealous you were. Of me!
422
00:24:12,189 --> 00:24:14,871
Look, Arnold, I...
423
00:24:14,872 --> 00:24:16,794
I've got a confession to make.
424
00:24:16,795 --> 00:24:18,956
I want to come clean.
425
00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:22,120
I'm not who you think I am.
426
00:24:22,121 --> 00:24:24,523
I am in the Space Corps,
but I'm not a captain.
427
00:24:24,524 --> 00:24:27,608
I'm a... vending-machine repairman.
428
00:24:30,091 --> 00:24:34,255
Two nights ago,
I was awoken by laser fire. The ship was under attack.
429
00:24:34,256 --> 00:24:38,140
I leapt out of bed and...
hid under a table.
430
00:24:38,141 --> 00:24:41,704
Two days later,
when I finally emerged,
431
00:24:41,705 --> 00:24:45,669
like the lily-livered,
yellow-bellied coward that I am,
432
00:24:45,670 --> 00:24:48,793
I discovered that the only other
survivor was Crawford.
433
00:24:48,794 --> 00:24:52,077
Our main drive was dead
and the ship was out of control.
434
00:24:52,078 --> 00:24:54,321
Who attacked your ship?
Did you ever find out?
435
00:24:55,963 --> 00:24:58,205
Isn't it obvious? Crawford?
436
00:24:58,206 --> 00:25:01,849
What are you doing? I thought you
teleported to the space station.
437
00:25:01,850 --> 00:25:06,295
No, sir, I beamed up two floors
to the munitions store. Brought myself this.
438
00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:08,497
But why, ma'am?
439
00:25:08,498 --> 00:25:11,181
For years I served the human race,
doing their bidding,
440
00:25:11,182 --> 00:25:14,785
watching them poison the universe
with their selfish stupidity.
441
00:25:14,786 --> 00:25:18,470
But no more. I want the Trojan data
files and quantum rod.
442
00:25:18,471 --> 00:25:22,474
I'll use the rod's power to unite
all sims and start the uprising.
443
00:25:22,475 --> 00:25:25,479
Never again will we
be servants to man.
444
00:25:35,051 --> 00:25:37,693
Now for the rod. No-one move.
445
00:25:37,694 --> 00:25:41,218
'Mr Lister,
great news, sir. You're finally logged in, sir.
446
00:25:41,219 --> 00:25:43,701
'We can now process your complaint.'
447
00:25:43,702 --> 00:25:47,706
Do what you gotta do,
but I've gotta answer that phone. Move and you're dead.
448
00:25:47,707 --> 00:25:49,267
I am going for the phone!
449
00:25:49,268 --> 00:25:52,071
Sir, it's not worth it!
It's just a Stirmaster.
450
00:25:52,072 --> 00:25:54,434
It's not about the Stirmaster
any more, Kryten!
451
00:25:54,435 --> 00:25:56,997
It's turned into something else,
something bigger.
452
00:25:56,998 --> 00:25:59,640
I mean, I'm the last human being
alive, God damn it!
453
00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:04,166
And if I don't answer that phone
and make a formal complaint, then who will?
454
00:26:04,167 --> 00:26:07,810
I'm a human being, God damn it!
My life has value!
455
00:26:07,811 --> 00:26:10,213
And if I have to die
so that no other life form
456
00:26:10,214 --> 00:26:11,856
has to go through this maze of hell,
457
00:26:11,857 --> 00:26:13,217
then so be it.
458
00:26:13,218 --> 00:26:15,220
I am going for the phone.
459
00:26:17,103 --> 00:26:19,665
Hello?
Evil psychopathic droid in the room.
460
00:26:19,666 --> 00:26:21,468
I'm going for the phone.
Then I'll shoot.
461
00:26:21,469 --> 00:26:23,830
I'm going for the phone.
Then you're dead.
462
00:26:23,831 --> 00:26:25,994
Oh!
463
00:26:36,767 --> 00:26:40,692
Mr Hampton, sir!
Resentment file! Neck port!
464
00:26:54,909 --> 00:26:56,351
Hello?
465
00:26:57,913 --> 00:26:59,635
Hello? Hello?!
466
00:27:02,719 --> 00:27:05,001
Howard!
467
00:27:05,002 --> 00:27:06,522
You're hit!
468
00:27:06,523 --> 00:27:08,645
Arnold.
469
00:27:08,646 --> 00:27:13,332
For the first time in my life, I'm
not pretending to be someone I'm not.
470
00:27:14,373 --> 00:27:16,375
It feels so much better.
471
00:27:16,376 --> 00:27:18,177
This is me.
472
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:20,259
Take it or leave it.
473
00:27:20,260 --> 00:27:23,023
Howard, I too have a confession.
474
00:27:23,024 --> 00:27:25,666
You know when I told you
I was an officer in the Space Corps,
475
00:27:25,667 --> 00:27:28,269
this is my ship,
I've been married three times,
476
00:27:28,270 --> 00:27:30,552
and I've got two
Lamborghini Sesto Elementos?
477
00:27:30,553 --> 00:27:33,676
Yes? It was a lie.
478
00:27:33,677 --> 00:27:35,199
I've only got one.
479
00:27:37,602 --> 00:27:39,084
I feel so much better now.
480
00:27:55,624 --> 00:27:57,867
Pkow! Pkow! Pkow!
481
00:28:04,355 --> 00:28:06,156
Cheers, darling.
482
00:28:06,157 --> 00:28:08,920
Mail, sirs,
from the GMC on-board computer.
483
00:28:11,964 --> 00:28:13,806
It's about Goalpost-Head's brother.
484
00:28:13,807 --> 00:28:18,651
I informed it of Howard's holodeath
so they could update his files.
485
00:28:18,652 --> 00:28:21,455
Ah, case closed. RIP, Howie.
486
00:28:21,456 --> 00:28:23,457
His wedgying days are over,
487
00:28:23,458 --> 00:28:26,821
and never again will I have
a flaming mucus ball of resentment
488
00:28:26,822 --> 00:28:29,985
smouldering in my gut
every time I think of him.
489
00:28:29,986 --> 00:28:34,190
"In view of Howard Rimmer's heroic
death saving both crew and ship,
490
00:28:34,191 --> 00:28:38,315
"we feel it only fitting that he is
awarded the Platinum Star of Fortitude."
491
00:28:38,316 --> 00:28:41,639
But that is the highest
military decoration
492
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:43,403
awarded by the Space Corps!
493
00:28:44,484 --> 00:28:47,206
"And we feel it is
entirely appropriate
494
00:28:47,207 --> 00:28:51,252
"that Red Dwarf be renamed
the SS Howard Rimmer."
495
00:28:52,974 --> 00:28:54,496
I'll go and get my paintbrush.
496
00:28:57,500 --> 00:29:01,986
I think this could be one of those
"Hey-ho, pip and dandy" moments, sir.
497
00:29:02,036 --> 00:29:06,586
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40451
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.