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1
00:00:01,222 --> 00:00:03,461
Still got a few tricks
up your sleeve, Jolly.
2
00:00:03,464 --> 00:00:04,664
We're missing a book.
3
00:00:04,667 --> 00:00:08,305
50 Great Coastal Walks
Of The British Isles Volume Two.
4
00:00:08,310 --> 00:00:11,069
Police have been asking -
I need someone to look after it.
5
00:00:11,073 --> 00:00:12,912
Stop it! Oh, why should I?
6
00:00:12,914 --> 00:00:14,793
Because you've got cancer!
7
00:00:14,796 --> 00:00:16,956
No loose ends, Kelvin.
8
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,720
And if he doesn't know anything?
Kill him.
9
00:00:20,723 --> 00:00:22,522
What do you know about Hancock?
10
00:00:22,525 --> 00:00:25,604
Who is he? Fill me in.
His name's Shahrouz. Oh, my God!
11
00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:27,008
Will you marry him for me?
12
00:00:27,011 --> 00:00:29,089
I won't say anything.
13
00:00:29,092 --> 00:00:31,291
Billy was nine years old,
fell out of a tree.
14
00:00:31,294 --> 00:00:34,253
Lost a lot of blood.
My wife said we'd better call Tony.
15
00:00:34,257 --> 00:00:35,976
What? He was the father?
16
00:00:35,979 --> 00:00:39,499
I loved that boy
but I walked out on him that day and never seen him since.
17
00:00:41,145 --> 00:00:42,385
How long have I got?
18
00:00:51,716 --> 00:00:55,635
I'm just reading the file on
Oscar Lomax. Have you read it? Oh, yes, ma'am.
19
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,119
I can't believe it.
20
00:00:57,122 --> 00:01:00,401
Indeed, ma'am. It's quite
extraordinary, if it's true.
21
00:01:00,405 --> 00:01:02,564
What's the clown up to? Mr Jelly?
22
00:01:02,568 --> 00:01:05,727
Still visiting the old lady,
the occasional children's party.
23
00:01:05,731 --> 00:01:07,450
Nothing out of the ordinary.
24
00:01:07,453 --> 00:01:09,452
BEEPING
25
00:01:09,455 --> 00:01:11,495
It's my video conference call.
26
00:01:14,220 --> 00:01:15,819
Mr Mansour. Can you see me?
27
00:01:15,822 --> 00:01:20,461
Yes, I see you.
Now, am I in high definition?
28
00:01:20,467 --> 00:01:25,467
We had these HDMI cables fitted.
You should be able to tell if I hold up this.
29
00:01:28,035 --> 00:01:29,394
Never mind.
30
00:01:29,396 --> 00:01:32,315
We are growing impatient,
Miss Andrews.
31
00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:34,718
When will we see
a return on our investment?
32
00:01:34,722 --> 00:01:38,961
I can assure you we are very close to
making our presentation, Mr Mansour.
33
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:43,085
I'm sure you can appreciate
we're working at the cutting-edge of technology here.
34
00:01:43,091 --> 00:01:46,451
Sorry ma'am, just need to grab
a bit of Blu-Tack. Thanks.
35
00:01:48,336 --> 00:01:52,535
We are just waiting on the
final piece of the jigsaw before we can proceed.
36
00:01:52,541 --> 00:01:56,980
I hope I need not remind you how
much is at stake here, Miss Andrews?
37
00:01:56,986 --> 00:02:01,585
Of course. And I can assure you
that we will leave no stone unturned.
38
00:02:01,591 --> 00:02:02,711
No offence.
39
00:02:03,713 --> 00:02:05,152
What do you mean?
40
00:02:05,154 --> 00:02:07,594
Well, you stone people, don't you?
41
00:02:08,678 --> 00:02:10,277
Do you?
42
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:20,368
Kelvin, get Detective Finney.
I need that locket!
43
00:02:31,583 --> 00:02:33,582
Hi, Mum.
44
00:02:33,585 --> 00:02:35,264
Morning, David.
45
00:02:35,267 --> 00:02:38,347
I've mushed a Weetabick up for you,
it's on the table.
46
00:02:44,677 --> 00:02:46,116
How you feeling?
47
00:02:46,118 --> 00:02:49,037
I'm fine, thank you. How are you?
48
00:02:49,041 --> 00:02:50,841
Here, take your vitamins.
49
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,768
It burns.
That's because it's working.
50
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,053
Sorry about last night.
51
00:03:03,056 --> 00:03:06,735
Robin's fault. I've spent ages
unblocking that toilet bowl.
52
00:03:06,740 --> 00:03:09,299
You should've seen me.
It was like Augustus Gloop.
53
00:03:09,303 --> 00:03:12,703
No, I mean the cancer.
54
00:03:15,590 --> 00:03:17,110
What are you going to do?
55
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,313
I'm clearing out under your bed
56
00:03:21,316 --> 00:03:24,275
so if there's anything you don't
want me to see, shift it.
57
00:03:24,279 --> 00:03:27,919
PHONE RINGS
58
00:03:31,527 --> 00:03:33,046
Hello?
59
00:03:33,048 --> 00:03:35,847
Is that David Sowerbutts? Speaking.
60
00:03:35,851 --> 00:03:38,730
I sent you a card recently
with a message.
61
00:03:38,734 --> 00:03:42,973
I think it would be wise if we met.
Meet me at King's Cross Station.
62
00:03:42,979 --> 00:03:46,578
Three o' clock. There'll be
a ticket in your name. Yeah.
63
00:03:46,583 --> 00:03:48,183
I want this to end.
64
00:03:50,026 --> 00:03:53,345
HORN BLOWS
65
00:03:53,350 --> 00:03:56,429
PHONE RINGS
66
00:03:56,433 --> 00:03:58,112
Hello, Hoyti Toyti's.
67
00:03:58,115 --> 00:04:01,914
I've got to make a phone call.
Be back in ten minutes, all right?
68
00:04:01,919 --> 00:04:04,119
Aye, go on then. Cod and chips.
69
00:04:05,563 --> 00:04:09,522
A what, dear? A Homepride Fred?
70
00:04:09,527 --> 00:04:11,806
Oh, you mean like a flour shaker?
71
00:04:11,810 --> 00:04:15,729
No, we do toys, dear. Antiques.
72
00:04:15,734 --> 00:04:18,493
Try Kath's Kitchens.
73
00:04:18,497 --> 00:04:21,496
Oh, here comes trouble.
74
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,379
Where is it, then?
75
00:04:23,382 --> 00:04:26,021
Here, I've laid it all out for you.
76
00:04:26,025 --> 00:04:29,224
Not much new stuff in this month.
Come and have a feel.
77
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,307
That Sooty turned out
to be fake, then?
78
00:04:31,310 --> 00:04:36,069
Yes, they traced it back to a woman
in Pickering. She made them herself.
79
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:39,515
Apparently, she had a whole
attic full of Sues.
80
00:04:39,519 --> 00:04:42,558
She was about to flood the market
but they caught her.
81
00:04:42,562 --> 00:04:46,601
This Slinky's a bit loose, isn't it?
I know, it's Chinese.
82
00:04:46,607 --> 00:04:47,806
HE GROANS
83
00:04:47,808 --> 00:04:51,847
Now, I know the answer to this
but I'm going to put it out there anyway.
84
00:04:51,852 --> 00:04:55,371
Would you have any interest
in a Simpsons chess set?
85
00:04:55,376 --> 00:04:59,575
Not in the slightest.
I cannot shift it.
86
00:04:59,581 --> 00:05:03,620
Oh, stay away from the '80s, Peter.
You've been burned before.
87
00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:06,664
What's this?
Not seen one like this before.
88
00:05:06,668 --> 00:05:09,267
Oh, it just came in this morning,
89
00:05:09,271 --> 00:05:12,030
not had a chance to give it
the once-over myself yet.
90
00:05:12,034 --> 00:05:17,633
Papier mache head, wooden hands,
nicely carved.
91
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,120
Original lace.
92
00:05:21,084 --> 00:05:25,043
French, I'd say.
This is quite a find, Peter.
93
00:05:25,048 --> 00:05:28,727
Yes, apparently it was a prop
in that old film,
94
00:05:28,732 --> 00:05:31,971
The Punch And Judy Man with,
oh, what's his name...?
95
00:05:31,975 --> 00:05:33,415
The lad himself?
96
00:05:35,099 --> 00:05:37,099
Tony Hancock.
97
00:05:39,383 --> 00:05:41,663
All right, see you in a bit. Cool.
98
00:05:49,834 --> 00:05:54,913
You following me, bruv? What?
I've seen you following me.
99
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,679
What do you want?
I think you can help me.
100
00:05:58,684 --> 00:06:03,444
PHONE RINGS
101
00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:08,130
Hello? Hello, husband.
102
00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:12,093
Do you know, I still can't get used
to saying that. Hello, Hattie.
103
00:06:12,098 --> 00:06:14,937
Eh, Chris is not here.
He go to Cranford.
104
00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:17,540
I know. I tried to call him
but couldn't get through.
105
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:21,463
Listen, Shahrouz, I don't want
to panic you, but we might have a bit of a problem.
106
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:22,507
Huh?
107
00:06:22,509 --> 00:06:26,908
I've had a call from the man
at the Home Office who's processing your visa application.
108
00:06:26,914 --> 00:06:27,953
Visa, yes.
109
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:33,114
Well, he's suspicious about
our wedding cos it was so close to the expiry date of your old visa,
110
00:06:33,121 --> 00:06:34,840
and he wants to do a home visit,
111
00:06:34,842 --> 00:06:39,441
just to check we are actually
living as Mr and Mrs, what is it, Japan...?
112
00:06:39,447 --> 00:06:44,126
Javanmardy. That's it.
Hattie Javanmardy. Unreal.
113
00:06:44,132 --> 00:06:47,891
You want me to come round after work?
Erm...
114
00:06:47,896 --> 00:06:53,175
I think you should, you know,
just to be on the safe side. OK.
115
00:06:53,182 --> 00:06:56,261
I will be there after six.
Thank you, Hattie.
116
00:06:56,265 --> 00:06:58,545
Oh, and Shahrouz? Yes?
117
00:06:59,909 --> 00:07:01,669
Bring your toothbrush.
118
00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:19,047
DOORBELL RINGS
119
00:07:22,293 --> 00:07:25,132
Hello. I'm Mr Jolly.
120
00:07:25,136 --> 00:07:28,535
Yes, we are expecting you.
121
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:33,620
Oooh, I know it says Jelly on there
but it's a mistake.
122
00:07:34,626 --> 00:07:36,426
Just ignore it.
123
00:07:42,314 --> 00:07:45,393
Mmmm. This is all very posh.
How long you lived here?
124
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:49,077
Oh, I'm not the owner, sir.
I'm just in service here.
125
00:07:49,082 --> 00:07:52,521
Oh, right. Oh, yeah.
I wondered why you had gloves on.
126
00:07:52,525 --> 00:07:54,405
Thought you might be allergic.
127
00:07:55,488 --> 00:08:01,087
So, can I ask, the party -
is it a boy or a girl?
128
00:08:01,094 --> 00:08:06,573
A young man I believe, sir.
He's just upstairs getting prepared.
129
00:08:06,580 --> 00:08:10,259
Right, well, I usually do
pirate stuff for the lads.
130
00:08:10,264 --> 00:08:13,584
I used to do balloon animals but
it's got ridiculous with the hook.
131
00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:19,830
Well, we have a room prepared
for you. Just let me have your bag.
132
00:08:21,556 --> 00:08:23,076
I shan't be a moment.
133
00:08:25,841 --> 00:08:29,961
LAUGHTER
134
00:08:38,615 --> 00:08:40,254
SHE SCREAMS
135
00:08:40,256 --> 00:08:42,336
Oh, sorry! Sorry! Use a lock.
136
00:08:50,347 --> 00:08:55,386
Yo, ho, ho. Hello,
my name is Captain Hook and I'm looking for the birthday boy.
137
00:08:55,392 --> 00:08:58,071
Have any of you landlubbers
seen him?
138
00:08:58,075 --> 00:09:01,195
HE SINGS "The Sailor's Hornpipe".
139
00:09:14,293 --> 00:09:18,732
Sorry, have I dropped a bollock?
Everyone, this is Mr Jolly.
140
00:09:18,737 --> 00:09:22,176
He's our entertainment
for the afternoon.
141
00:09:22,181 --> 00:09:23,980
Can I get you a drink?
142
00:09:23,983 --> 00:09:27,623
Why not? I am Mr Jolly.
143
00:09:28,908 --> 00:09:32,547
No! I told you before,
I don't want anything to do with him!
144
00:09:32,552 --> 00:09:35,951
He only wants to talk to you.
I'm not meeting him, Tealeaf.
145
00:09:35,956 --> 00:09:38,515
Here, ring him up and cancel it.
Tell him it's off.
146
00:09:38,518 --> 00:09:42,517
Look, you should just chat to him.
He seems like a nice guy.
147
00:09:42,523 --> 00:09:45,842
I can't meet him, Tealeaf. Do you
understand? I can never meet him.
148
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:48,805
He doesn't blame you for anything.
It wasn't your fault.
149
00:09:48,809 --> 00:09:53,488
You were the one who was lied to.
If I saw him it would only make things worse than they already are.
150
00:09:53,494 --> 00:09:55,493
It wouldn't,
he sees you as his father.
151
00:09:55,497 --> 00:10:00,096
I am his father. That's what he
wants. I mean I'm his real father. I thought Hancock...
152
00:10:00,102 --> 00:10:02,182
I am Hancock!
153
00:10:04,306 --> 00:10:05,426
What?
154
00:10:08,270 --> 00:10:10,270
I'm Tony Hancock.
155
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:55,318
Stone me, what a life.
156
00:10:57,923 --> 00:11:00,163
Can't even do the voice any more.
157
00:11:01,607 --> 00:11:02,847
Does your son know?
158
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:06,050
Yes, I think he's worked it out.
159
00:11:07,213 --> 00:11:08,893
Go and fetch him, Tealeaf.
160
00:11:10,216 --> 00:11:12,136
It's time I faced the truth.
161
00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:16,540
All right. Be back in half an hour.
162
00:11:22,189 --> 00:11:24,709
Hancock's Half Hour.
163
00:11:34,482 --> 00:11:36,282
Sorry. That's all right.
164
00:11:39,528 --> 00:11:42,047
You? Yes, me.
165
00:11:42,050 --> 00:11:43,970
I know what you did.
166
00:11:47,696 --> 00:11:48,816
What do you want?
167
00:11:48,819 --> 00:11:53,177
Well, I've been thinking a lot about
how to commit the perfect murder.
168
00:11:53,182 --> 00:11:54,782
Coffee?
169
00:11:56,025 --> 00:11:58,744
I have a bit of a problem
with cash flow.
170
00:11:58,748 --> 00:12:01,827
I don't know if you know
about Haringey's payment structure,
171
00:12:01,832 --> 00:12:05,031
but there's a glass ceiling
for public sector workers
172
00:12:05,035 --> 00:12:06,915
and I'm banging my head against it.
173
00:12:06,918 --> 00:12:10,076
It's supposed to incentivise
cross-borough collaboration,
174
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,799
but why would we want to get
into bed with the Barnet lot
175
00:12:12,803 --> 00:12:15,242
when their grants
are not centrally managed?
176
00:12:15,246 --> 00:12:17,485
I don't know. Exactly!
177
00:12:17,488 --> 00:12:21,327
Anyway, I have, shall we say,
substantial debts,
178
00:12:21,332 --> 00:12:23,851
and I can't keep chasing
the Thunderball forever
179
00:12:23,855 --> 00:12:26,415
because that way, madness lies.
180
00:12:30,502 --> 00:12:31,621
What's this?
181
00:12:31,623 --> 00:12:35,302
I have a great aunt who's
left me some money in her will.
182
00:12:35,307 --> 00:12:39,626
It's not much, but it'll see me
debt-free for the first time since the credit crunch.
183
00:12:39,632 --> 00:12:43,992
I want you to help her on her way.
184
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:47,317
You want me to murder her?
185
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,159
Don't look so shocked.
186
00:12:50,163 --> 00:12:54,042
Last time I saw you,
you were happily telling me you'd just killed five people.
187
00:12:54,047 --> 00:12:56,926
Three men, two ladies.
Three men, two ladies.
188
00:12:56,930 --> 00:13:00,770
This just makes it three of each.
Balances it.
189
00:13:02,016 --> 00:13:06,815
You do this for me,
and all the information I have on you and Critchley Gardens
190
00:13:06,821 --> 00:13:09,781
will mysteriously find it's way
into the recycling.
191
00:13:10,865 --> 00:13:14,864
You scratch my back and I'll
scratch yours. My mum does that.
192
00:13:14,870 --> 00:13:15,910
Oh.
193
00:13:16,832 --> 00:13:18,432
Well, do we have a deal?
194
00:13:19,394 --> 00:13:20,594
She's not well.
195
00:13:23,999 --> 00:13:28,278
If I do this for you,
you've got to do something for me.
196
00:13:28,284 --> 00:13:30,443
Criss cross.
197
00:13:30,446 --> 00:13:34,526
How do you mean?
I don't want her to suffer any more.
198
00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:38,972
Is that your watch?
199
00:13:38,975 --> 00:13:41,134
There you are. Thank you, ladies.
200
00:13:41,138 --> 00:13:44,617
Everything's prepared for you
upstairs. If you'd come this way.
201
00:13:44,621 --> 00:13:48,580
God, half pissed now!
Birthday boy ready, is he?
202
00:13:48,586 --> 00:13:49,905
I believe so, sir.
203
00:13:49,907 --> 00:13:53,507
Right. Well, I'd better get going.
I'll take that, thank you.
204
00:14:03,281 --> 00:14:04,961
Everything in order, sir?
205
00:14:06,525 --> 00:14:09,565
I think so, yes.
I won't be a moment.
206
00:14:27,948 --> 00:14:31,508
Just checking you have everything,
Jolly? We've prepared the lights.
207
00:14:33,994 --> 00:14:35,473
What's this?
208
00:14:35,476 --> 00:14:39,715
This is Mr Kakkar.
And it's his left kidney, I think. Is that right, Gravy?
209
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:40,759
It is, sir.
210
00:14:40,761 --> 00:14:46,360
And the local anaesthetic
has been administered as instructed.
211
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:49,047
It goes in here when you're done,
then ring the bell.
212
00:14:50,171 --> 00:14:53,690
I was thinking more of
a rabbit out of a hat.
213
00:14:53,695 --> 00:14:55,375
We'll just leave you to it.
214
00:14:56,979 --> 00:15:00,859
Two hundred dollar, please.
215
00:15:09,272 --> 00:15:11,392
BANGING ON DOOR
216
00:15:14,037 --> 00:15:15,876
Hello, Billy.
217
00:15:15,879 --> 00:15:17,919
Please, come in.
218
00:15:24,248 --> 00:15:25,368
Hello, Dad.
219
00:15:26,450 --> 00:15:27,970
This way.
220
00:15:32,416 --> 00:15:35,976
MUSIC: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart"
by Bonnie Tyler.
221
00:15:38,383 --> 00:15:41,223
♪ Every now and then I fall apart. ♪
222
00:15:42,387 --> 00:15:45,906
Have you ever worked with Gaynor,
Shahrouz? Gaynor?
223
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,910
Sorry, you probably know her
as Bonnie Tyler.
224
00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:50,593
I know her as Gaynor Hopkins.
225
00:15:50,596 --> 00:15:53,475
I did the hair and make-up
on this video.
226
00:15:53,479 --> 00:15:56,919
I have never back-combed
so much in my entire life.
227
00:15:58,805 --> 00:16:00,765
The lacquer we got through.
228
00:16:02,809 --> 00:16:05,768
Are you sure you don't want
a little glass of poo,
229
00:16:05,772 --> 00:16:07,572
we're supposed to be celebrating?
230
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:09,735
No.
231
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:14,137
I am not permitted to drink.
Mmmm.
232
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,701
There's other things
you're not permitted to do.
233
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:21,946
But you still do them though,
don't you?
234
00:16:21,949 --> 00:16:24,268
It is my religion.
235
00:16:24,272 --> 00:16:27,871
Oh, God. I'm going to have
to learn all about this, aren't I?
236
00:16:27,876 --> 00:16:30,675
Are you going to try and convert me?
237
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,599
Or should I try and convert you?
238
00:16:36,605 --> 00:16:40,764
The man is coming?
Yeah, he is, but we don't know when. They try and trick you out.
239
00:16:40,769 --> 00:16:44,529
Do you think we should be
heading upstairs? Just do what we'd normally do?
240
00:16:46,696 --> 00:16:48,935
I sleep on the couch.
241
00:16:48,938 --> 00:16:52,818
Don't be daft.
You can sleep in my bed.
242
00:16:54,344 --> 00:16:56,664
I'll go in the spare room.
243
00:16:58,148 --> 00:17:01,388
Besides, you've got to carry me
up the stairs yet.
244
00:17:05,916 --> 00:17:07,316
That's it.
245
00:17:08,279 --> 00:17:12,679
You see, we've got to observe
each other's customs, Shahrouz.
246
00:17:14,766 --> 00:17:16,565
It's all part of being married.
247
00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:18,887
SHE HUMS "Here Comes The Bride"
248
00:17:18,890 --> 00:17:20,329
ANSWER PHONE BEEPS
249
00:17:20,332 --> 00:17:23,971
'This is Jeremy Goode from
Brooke Street Library. Will you be returning
250
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:26,735
'50 Great Coastal Walks
Of The British Isles Volume Two?
251
00:17:26,739 --> 00:17:29,379
'I expect to hear from you
immediately, if not sooner.'
252
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,903
Have a wonderful time. Thanks.
253
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,427
Night.
254
00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:36,368
I don't know what I'm doing.
Can you feel that?
255
00:18:36,373 --> 00:18:39,772
You'll have to tell me
if it starts hurting because I have not a clue.
256
00:18:39,777 --> 00:18:41,376
I'm a children's entertainer.
257
00:18:41,378 --> 00:18:44,137
Is there no other way
you could have earned that money?
258
00:18:44,141 --> 00:18:47,740
Two hundred dollar.
Well, I'm not giving it you.
259
00:18:47,745 --> 00:18:51,304
I'm being paid in Euros anyway.
It's an international operation.
260
00:18:51,309 --> 00:18:52,668
Right.
261
00:18:52,670 --> 00:18:54,989
Here... we... go.
262
00:18:54,993 --> 00:18:58,552
Oh, God, you're bleeding, now.
I need some bog roll.
263
00:18:58,557 --> 00:19:00,357
HE WHIMPERS
264
00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:06,482
CREAKING
265
00:19:16,215 --> 00:19:18,735
A-a-a-a-h!
Hattie, what are you doing?
266
00:19:21,982 --> 00:19:25,062
I am consummating our relationship,
Shahrouz.
267
00:19:28,909 --> 00:19:32,908
That was harder than back-combing
Bonnie Tyler's hair, I tell you.
268
00:19:32,913 --> 00:19:35,193
But this is not right.
269
00:19:37,158 --> 00:19:38,917
Come back to bed.
270
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,880
We'll talk about it in the morning.
No.
271
00:19:42,283 --> 00:19:43,723
This is all wrong.
272
00:19:49,091 --> 00:19:51,171
I'm wearing your ring, Shahrouz.
273
00:19:52,574 --> 00:19:57,014
We've got a certificate of marriage
downstairs, signed in the sight of God.
274
00:19:58,340 --> 00:20:00,539
You are my husband.
275
00:20:00,543 --> 00:20:03,742
And husbands sleep with their wives,
Shahrouz. Sorry.
276
00:20:03,746 --> 00:20:06,825
But, I am homosexual.
277
00:20:06,829 --> 00:20:09,109
Nobody's perfect. Come on.
278
00:20:11,034 --> 00:20:12,514
I want to phone Chris.
279
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:15,557
Chris is in Cranford.
280
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,880
No phones in Cranford.
281
00:20:24,969 --> 00:20:28,649
What would happen to you, Shahrouz,
if you got sent back to Iran?
282
00:20:29,774 --> 00:20:33,054
If they found out
you were living with an English man?
283
00:20:36,581 --> 00:20:38,620
HE WHIMPERS
284
00:20:38,623 --> 00:20:40,103
Right.
285
00:20:42,027 --> 00:20:45,347
No, no. Can't do this. Ridiculous.
286
00:20:57,363 --> 00:20:58,803
Had to mush that up a bit.
287
00:21:02,169 --> 00:21:03,209
What else?
288
00:21:04,291 --> 00:21:07,211
It's like Ready Steady Cook, this.
Oh, that'll do.
289
00:21:10,898 --> 00:21:12,258
Hang on a minute.
290
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:20,906
How you getting on?
291
00:21:20,909 --> 00:21:22,949
Yeah, it's all done. It's in there.
292
00:21:23,912 --> 00:21:25,112
No, don't look at it.
293
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:28,793
You have to leave the lid on,
or else they'd go off.
294
00:21:28,797 --> 00:21:30,156
Oh, right.
295
00:21:30,158 --> 00:21:33,437
Nice easy one, that.
Just slipped out, didn't it? Kidley?
296
00:21:33,442 --> 00:21:35,961
He's regretting it, now.
I told him he would.
297
00:21:35,965 --> 00:21:37,364
Don't worry, Mr Kakkar.
298
00:21:37,366 --> 00:21:41,245
We have your fee waiting for you.
As we do for you, Mr Jolly.
299
00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:45,210
Once the client has received
the kidney, of course. Of course.
300
00:21:48,538 --> 00:21:51,818
Right, well.
I think I'll just, er...
301
00:21:53,063 --> 00:21:54,463
go and, er...
302
00:21:56,346 --> 00:21:57,826
have a piss.
303
00:22:02,793 --> 00:22:06,793
MUSIC: "Twinkle, Twinkle,
Little Star"
304
00:22:11,202 --> 00:22:13,282
Who are you?
305
00:22:14,326 --> 00:22:16,405
I'm Jeremy from the library.
306
00:22:16,408 --> 00:22:18,848
Why are you in my room?
307
00:22:20,132 --> 00:22:25,051
On the 14th of October 2007,
you borrowed Alice Through The Looking Glass.
308
00:22:25,057 --> 00:22:26,856
Do you remember that book, Chloe?
309
00:22:26,859 --> 00:22:29,458
Beware the Jabberwock, my son.
310
00:22:29,462 --> 00:22:32,182
The jaws that bite.
The claws that catch.
311
00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:36,945
On the 28th of October,
your mummy brought the book back to the library,
312
00:22:36,950 --> 00:22:41,509
and on the 31st of October
Margaret Cheng took it out again.
313
00:22:41,515 --> 00:22:44,755
Because libraries are all about
sharing, aren't they, Chloe?
314
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:47,599
What do you want?
315
00:22:47,601 --> 00:22:52,281
Where is 50 Great Coastal Walks
Of The British Isles Volume Two?
316
00:22:53,848 --> 00:22:56,127
It's a book, Chloe.
317
00:22:56,130 --> 00:22:59,970
One of our books from the library
and your mummy has stolen it.
318
00:23:02,297 --> 00:23:04,977
Jabberwocky would like to read
that book, Chloe.
319
00:23:06,141 --> 00:23:09,660
Would you like me to send him to
your room so he can look for it?
320
00:23:09,665 --> 00:23:11,664
Very well.
321
00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:14,987
You have to look for it.
322
00:23:17,833 --> 00:23:21,193
I'll be watching. Night night.
323
00:23:42,580 --> 00:23:44,940
Never been with a woman before,
have you?
324
00:23:46,945 --> 00:23:51,745
Well, as Bonnie said,
I can always...
325
00:23:53,111 --> 00:23:55,351
"Turn around, bright eyes".
326
00:23:56,835 --> 00:24:01,035
I'm very proud of the fact
my ex-partner said he could never tell the difference.
327
00:24:02,681 --> 00:24:04,561
Turn the light out, Shahrouz.
328
00:24:10,410 --> 00:24:14,049
There wasn't a day go by
I didn't think of you, Billy.
329
00:24:14,053 --> 00:24:17,773
But after what I did,
I knew I couldn't go on.
330
00:24:18,899 --> 00:24:20,379
Sugar? Thank you.
331
00:24:22,783 --> 00:24:26,222
I ruined my best friend's life.
332
00:24:26,226 --> 00:24:30,626
Slept with his wife and
fathered a son he thought his own.
333
00:24:31,672 --> 00:24:32,792
It killed him.
334
00:24:33,835 --> 00:24:35,594
And the guilt killed me.
335
00:24:35,596 --> 00:24:41,236
One fake suicide in Australia later
and all my sins were washed away.
336
00:24:42,884 --> 00:24:46,284
The career was on its way out
so that didn't bother me.
337
00:24:47,609 --> 00:24:50,008
I'd turned them all against me,
anyway.
338
00:24:50,012 --> 00:24:53,131
Sid, Ray and Alan.
339
00:24:53,135 --> 00:24:54,175
Williams.
340
00:24:55,298 --> 00:24:59,178
All I had to do was
become somebody else.
341
00:25:02,465 --> 00:25:05,744
It was easier to arrange
away from home.
342
00:25:05,749 --> 00:25:07,669
A weighted coffin was buried.
343
00:25:08,952 --> 00:25:11,192
Then I came up here
to start my new life.
344
00:25:12,556 --> 00:25:14,116
A quiet life.
345
00:25:17,161 --> 00:25:19,040
It's quite a story.
346
00:25:19,043 --> 00:25:22,762
Yes, indeed.
But what about you, Billy?
347
00:25:22,767 --> 00:25:25,246
There must me so many things
you want to ask me.
348
00:25:25,250 --> 00:25:27,569
Oh, only one thing.
Where's the locket?
349
00:25:27,572 --> 00:25:29,811
Eh? The locket!
350
00:25:29,814 --> 00:25:33,213
Oscar. What happened to it?
351
00:25:33,218 --> 00:25:35,977
What do you mean?
I don't know anything about that.
352
00:25:35,981 --> 00:25:39,780
I thought you probably didn't.
But it'd be rude not to ask, eh?
353
00:25:39,785 --> 00:25:46,265
Here we go, then.
Billy! Please. Billy, I'm sorry.
354
00:25:52,679 --> 00:25:54,079
I forgive you.
355
00:26:11,299 --> 00:26:12,539
Here we go, then.
356
00:26:16,144 --> 00:26:19,984
You ready for this?
Just give me a moment.
357
00:26:21,670 --> 00:26:23,750
I've waited 40 years for this.
358
00:26:25,153 --> 00:26:26,313
I'm shaking.
359
00:26:29,718 --> 00:26:31,517
Don't worry.
360
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:35,199
I'm sure your dad's just as
choked up as you are.
361
00:26:35,204 --> 00:26:37,004
Yeah? Come on.
362
00:26:57,308 --> 00:26:59,068
Mr Lomax, Billy's here.
363
00:27:10,522 --> 00:27:11,882
Not again.
364
00:27:28,381 --> 00:27:30,541
There you are! Where've you been?
365
00:27:32,185 --> 00:27:33,265
Eccles.
366
00:27:34,788 --> 00:27:35,948
What for?
367
00:27:37,030 --> 00:27:38,069
Eccles cake.
368
00:27:38,071 --> 00:27:41,590
David, how many more times?
You can get them from the Spar.
369
00:27:41,595 --> 00:27:44,115
You don't have to go to Hamburg
to get a hamburger.
370
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,479
I've been picking out the music
I want at my funeral.
371
00:27:48,482 --> 00:27:51,201
I want one classical and
one from the cheering-up tape.
372
00:27:51,205 --> 00:27:55,524
Trying to decide between Superman
and Oops Upside Your Head. See how wide the pews are.
373
00:27:55,530 --> 00:27:59,130
But for the classical, I want this.
374
00:28:01,336 --> 00:28:04,736
SHE PLAYS "Abide With Me"
375
00:28:20,797 --> 00:28:22,956
'Is that you, Tealeaf?
376
00:28:22,959 --> 00:28:24,798
'Is there anything from Nasa?
377
00:28:24,801 --> 00:28:27,361
'In with the plums!'
378
00:28:40,618 --> 00:28:42,738
'I have a great aunt.
379
00:28:44,222 --> 00:28:48,142
'I want you to help her on her way.'
380
00:28:48,192 --> 00:28:52,742
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