All language subtitles for Plebs s03e01 The Beasts.eng

MAN: Hello. Can we buy three tickets
for the Games please?

WOMAN: Certainly, sir.
Which event?

The one were the prisoners take on
the wild beasts.

The prisoner executions, sure.

Hm. They're all sold out,
I'm afraid.

More shows will be added
if there's enough appetite.

From the punters or the beasts?
Both.

You're welcome to add your names
to the waiting list.

How about them massive
chubby chickens?

The ostrich show's sold out too.

Oh, the Mr Fatty Long-Nose.

As is the elephant parade.
What do you have tickets for?

The only animal show not sold out
is the pig chase.

Right. What does that involve?

Guys trying to catch
some greased up pigs.

That sounds absolutely mind blowing.

We're not paying to watch pigs.
You can get that on a farm.

We have to see something.
Three tickets for the pig chase.

That's just sold out.
Oh, for fu...

OLI JULIAN FEAT. MICHAEL PROPHET:
When in Rome

I really wouldn't bother.

Nothing good happens to us.
Accept it.

I will not accept it. No, sir.
We've got no money.

The one with the best job is a slave.
Ah, thank you.

And in the biggest city in the world,

I still can't find anyone
who'll go out with me.

It's a dry patchizzle. You'll put
that thing to use sooner or later.

(SCOFFS) I may as well cut it off
and use it as a spare thumb.

Hey, will you be my boyfriend?

Er... (CHUCKLES) Sorry.
Will I...?

I need you to be my boyfriend now.
Oi, you there.

Please?
Ah, yes. Yes. Sure.

Are you an animal rights dickhead
who's lobbing tomatoes at the area?

Excuse me, Officer. Tomatoes?
Yeah.

The splatty red things?
That is a criminal offence.

Even in Gaul, I imagine.
But, Officer,

I've been with my boyfriend
all afternoon.

Ah, yes. I'm her boyfriend.
Hello.

Oh, yeah? Doing what?

We've been buying things for dinner.
Haven't we, darling?

Oh... Yes! I'm cooking
a romantic dinner of grapes...

..and an egg.
Mm. My favourite.

If you don't mind, we really must
go home and make love now.

Ooh. Er, OK.

Yeah. On you go. As you were.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

I am sorry for kissing you.

It's fine. You can keep the tomato.

Is that it then?
Have we broken up already?

I should find my other dickhead.

We are doing another protest tonight
if you want to join us.

We'd love to.
Meet us by the area at sunset.

I'm Marcus, by the way.
Delphine.

You gonna eat that?

That was incredible.

You could see the sparks fly,
right, G Man?

I was more focussing on the tomato,
to be fair.

She was just using me as an alibi.
She could have grabbed anyone.

But she grabbed you.
It's definitely destiny, man.

I'm not sure destiny's thought
this through. She's from Gaul.

She chucks tomatoes at stuff.
She's a bit real.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're real.
You're really real.

I think she's the Gaul for you.

(CHUCKLES)
No, she's not my kind of Gaul.

She's gonna be your Gaulfriend.
I can feel it.

It's meant to go pink, blue,
pink, blue, you fat shit.

Salve, Grumio.
All right, Landlady.

What's with all the flowers?
I'm gentrifying, aren't I?

The Games are in town.
I'm turning this rats nest

into an exclusive urban
apartment complex.

Sweet. How are you going to do that?
Raise the rent, mainly.

That's another 30 a week.
Cough up, beaky.

(SCOFFS)
Any word from Landlord, by the way?

No, he was always crap
at keeping in touch.

He's a lot worse now he's dead.
We don't know that, do we?

Oh, give it a rest, gormless.

He's been on the run almost a year.

My boy's dead in a ditch by now.

Another 30 is pretty steep.
Yeah.

It's what he would have wanted.

(SCOFFS)
Of course I don't have tickets.

Animals are idiots. Why would anyone
want to watch those divs?

The one's in the arena have got some
serious talent.

Talent? Yes.
For what?

Pooing where they want
and licking their own privates?

No. For being cute and scary
at the same time.

We knew a guy at school who
could lick his own privates,

so that's not animal specific.
What? No. Surely not.

Apparently,
one in 20 guys can reach.

Oh, as if it's possible to reach.
It is if you try hard enough.

But...
I mean, that's...

(STRAINS)

You can't get anywhere near it.
Look.

Stop that.
Yes. Sorry. Was just making a point.

Kindly make your point at home,
water boy. You dirty devil.

Yes, will do, water man.
Oh, Flavia.

You haven't got any tickets for
the beasts have you?

I don't need tickets.
I've got a luxury box in the arena.

Whoa. How?
My husband got it.

Then he got a bouncy bimbo
to run off to Greece with.

Leaving both me and the box behind.

Oh, no. How big is your box,
out of interest?

Any chance I could squeeze in there?

My box is narrow and snug, shredder,
and I'd rather hoped to fill it

with an eligible suitor rather than
some grubby goon from work.

I'm just desperate to see
the beasts. I'd do anything.

Very well. Go get some sacks
and ropes from the store room.

Oh, yes! Hang on.

Is this a sex thing?
Quickly.

You will do yourself a mischief.

In his hasty escape,

that randy little rat left
all of his crap behind, see?

Whoa! This is a lot of stuff.
Indeed!

He was an avid collector of art,
wine and women, as it turned out.

Take it all to the dump for me,
and you can come in my box.

Can I keep any of it?
There's no point. It's all broken.

This stuff here isn't.
Oh, is it not? No.

You little shit!
You dirty, dirty, cheating shit!

OK. I'll dump it.
If you would.

I say.
What do you think you're doing?

I will not tolerate fly tipping!

You can shift all that filthy
clutter n'all. That includes Grumio.

What? I'm not going anywhere.

I can't have you lowering the tone.

You're worse than mould.
(SHEEP BLEATING)

And you can shut your noise, girl,
and all.

Thank the gods I won't have to
put up with that din much longer.

You're not selling Juno?
No.

Actually, I'm eating her.
Right.

But she's Landlords'.

And he's dead.
They'll be reunited, won't they?

Soon as I've boiled her up.

Oi! Let go!
(BLEATING)

Let go!
Let go you bitey little bitch.

(BLEATING)
Right!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bloody hell. That's a bit full on.

Finger up the bum. The only language
your dumb animal speaks.

I'm getting my stew pot.

(SNIFFS)

Hold up. What are you doing?

You idiot.
Landlady's a total hard arse

and now you've got her goat.
Literally got her goat.

She were gonna eat her, tough.
Who brings a goat on a protest?

It'll be fine, man.
She can bleat along with the chants.

If there are chants.
We don't know, do we?

We've never protested about anything.
Or ever cared about anything.

Uh-uh. Not true.
We care about hot girls.

If they're protesting, so are we.

I just wanted to blend in.

Not expose ourselves as
the dopey twats we obviously are.

Please calm down.
We'll absolutely nail this.

You rescued a goat? That's amazing.

Oh. Yeah. Exactly.

We knew we had to intervene,
didn't we, Grumio?

Our landlady was going to eat it.
She fingered it up the bum.

Yeah. What? Did she?
She sounds horrible.

And unhygienic.
Yeah, well.

People do sick things
to animals here.

Look at The Games. They're stacking
elephants on top of each other.

For entertainment.
No way! How many can they do?

Does it matter? They're making
monkeys wear little hats.

(CHUCKLES FONDLY)

Oh, dear me, that's...
We hate that kind of thing.

Please may I have another tomato?

Sorry, cherie.
We need them for the protest.

Great.
Where we splatting these guys then?

We're not. We're pulping them.
Ah, right. So how's that work?

Tonight's protest
is more of a tableau.

So we pulp the tomatoes
to look like blood

and then we smear it on our naked
bodies.

Yeah, great. Sorry, what?

It's a naked protest. We're gonna
lay down like slaughtered animals.

And the animals have to be naked,
do they?

Animals usually are.
Fair point.

Please, guys? We need more males
to balance out the herd.

You'll do it, right?
Big time.

Yeah, whatever.
Sorry, can you give us a sec?

This is not how I want Delphine
to see me naked for the first time.

You'll see her naked too.
I'm sure she'll look great.

It's chilly, and broad daylight.

My penis does not fly
in these conditions.

Hurry up, Marcus. I'm saving a place
for you next to me.

Yeah! Sorry. Just having some trouble
with my belt knot.

She'll be protesting, not checking
out the size of you penoose.

She'll be protesting against the size
of my penoose.

Grumio's ready, look.
Yeah, I know. I'm trying not to look.

Do you need me to help you?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
No thanks! It's just a granny knot.

Ooh, ey up. Centurions.

Oh, thank Jove for that.
Hello, Officer.

Hi. There's a bit of a protest here.
You might wanna shut it down.

Oh, not another one. What are these
clowns doing this time?

Yeah, they're stripping off
and covering themselves in tomato.

Oh, OK. Well that's fine then.

Wow. Is it?

They're not damaging anything,
they can do what they want.

Surely they're disturbing the peace.
It's pretty disturbing stuff.

Just looks like some girls taking
their clothes off.

Which is absolutely fine by me.
(CHUCKLES)

DELPHINE:
Marcus, what's the problem?

Don't you try and stop me,
you bully boy bastard.

What? I'm not.
This is a peaceful protest

against the sick cruelty to beasts.
You've no right to stop me.

I know. That's what I've just said.

He said if I take my clothes off,
he's going to arrest me.

What the fuck?
No, I never said...

No!

You oppressive shit!

(GROANS)

No, no, no!

(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

(SCREAMING)
Centurion brutality!

Keep walking.

Morning, wankers.
You got bail.

You're free to go. Sentencing's
this afternoon in the Forum.

Stay out of trouble. OK, lads?

Thank you. Yes, will do.
(GRUMIO SNORES)

And put your bloody tunic back on.

(GROANS SLEEPILY)

(CHEERING)

Fuck the police!

(CHEERING)

Oh, hi. Thanks.
Thanks?

I mean, sorry. That's what you say
when people kiss you?

Thanks or sorry?

Historically, yes.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You guys bailed us out? Of course.
You took a beating for us.

Yeah, I mean, we managed to get in
a couple of good punches,

I'm just gutted I couldn't do
the whole naked protest thing.

Another time, maybe?
Yeah.

Or instead, how about dinner tonight
at my place?

Sounds good.

Where's you anally abused goat,
by the way?

Juno! Juno!

It's still warm. She must be close.

Yeah, that's not telling me much.

Juno?

No, it wasn't that.
How did you hurt your neck?

I just slept funny.
How funny?

End up trying to suck you're on nob?
No.

That would be funny.
Don't pretend you've never tried.

He doesn't need to.
He's got a Gaulfriend.

She gave him a Gaulic kiss.
What? You're kidding me.

Tonight, she's bringing a baguette.
What does that mean?

I think it's just long bread.
I can't handle this.

Shredder, a quick word in my office.
Oh. I did warn you.

No. Juno!

Juno! Move back.
(BLEATING)

Let go, Juno!
Oi!

(SHUDDERS)
(BLEATING)

You managed to get everything
to the dump, then, did you?

Er, yes, thanks. All fine.

Curious.
I wonder, then, how Simeon here,

found a bag full of my husband's
adult toys in his front garden.

Hello again.
How did you...

Company address was printed
on the sack

that you so carelessly tossed into
my privet.

It's an absolute disgrace, frankly.
OK. You're right. I'm really sorry.

To throw out such high quality
leatherwear like that...

Simeon is quite the aficionado.

Well, I dabble.

I must say, this is the finest
lambskin gimp mask I've ever handled.

He's persuaded me to hang onto it
after all, shredder.

Cool. Sorry, have I done bad
or good? I can't tell.

Very good. You've excelled yourself.

Thanks to your in-built idiocy,
I've met Simeon, here.

Great! So I can still use your box
later on, then?

As a result, I know have a much
better man to fill my box with.

Sorry, old chum.
What?

No, don't take this guy.
You barely know him.

We've only met briefly,
but, in that time,

we really have bonded, haven't we?

I'll say.

What about me?
How am I going to see the beasts?

There's a waiting list.
Add you name to it.

I already have.
Well, do it again.

My azaleas bitten to buggery.

Shit all over my courtyard.

It's Landlord's courtyard.
Punch him in the head, Davus.

I'd rather not. He's me mate.
Punch the goat in the head then.

We're fairly tight as well.
Right!

It's time for my dinner.

Don't.
Give us it here.

Stop it! No!
Stop it!

(GROANS)

Right! That is it!

You got us evicted, for the sake of
our dead landlord's rancid goat?

Yeah, it got a bit out of hand.

What about my sexy dinner date
with Delphine?

I'm back to getting naked
in the street.

(FOOTSTEPS)
Good afternoon, citizens.

Here are today's sentences.

Julius Drusus, charged with
shoplifting, 25 denarii fine.

(CROWD CHEERING)
Forza Alfidia,

charged with soliciting
without a licence, 300 denarii fine.

Bloody hell.
Ours had better not be that much.

Marcus Gallow, Stylax Urastaques
and Grumio, no surname given,

charged with assaulting a centurion,
50 denarii fine.

(CROWD CHEERING)
That's fine. That's a fine fine.

What's going on now?

Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been
informed that due to popular demand,

one more beast show has been added
for this afternoon.

(CHEERING)
Oh, yes! That was me!

I was the popular demand!
Boom. Yeah!

Let's get to the box office
and snaffle some good seats.

As a result,
we'll be needing more prisoners

so those people just mentioned
will no longer have to pay a fine...

What?
This gets better and better.

Shh. Hang on. ..as they will now be
sentenced to death

by wild beasts in the arena.

Have a great day.
(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

Well, you wanted to see the beasts.

Now you will.
Right up close.

Bit too close.
I didn't want to see inside them.

Should have thought of that before
you filled in that waiting list.

You punched centurion because you
didn't want to get your wang out.

At least we won't have
to find somewhere to live any more.

Because we won't live any more.
I know.

I'm just saying. Every cloud.
(GROANS)

(BLEATING)
Juno, love!

Where you going? (BLEATING)
Soz, mate.

She keeps wandering off.

Salve, Grumio.
All right, Landlord.

Landlord?

Where've you been?
Well, how long have you got?

Not long. Probably just give us
the gist, if poss.

OK. Ran away, hid in a cave, got
caught, brought here, met you lot.

But you've got a way out of this,
right?

You're dodgy as fuck.
Surely you got a plan?

Yeah, I have, actually.

Gonna knock myself out on the
arena wall before something eats me.

Right. And how about if we want
to avoid getting eaten altogether?

Oh, well. If you beat the beasts,
then you're laughing.

Wicked. let's do that, then.
15 years ago I think someone did.

OK, great.
Back when they used to use badgers.

And squirrels.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Marcus!
Hey!

Delphine. I'm being executed.

I heard. It's so shitty.

Have you come to watch?
No, we're protesting outside.

And they listening?
Will they let us go?

No idea. We're protesting against
the animal cruelty.

(SCOFFS)
What about the human cruelty?

I'm gonna get eaten alive.
I'm trying to do both.

It's amazing that you'd die
for the cause like this.

What? I'm not dying
for the bloody cause.

I don't give a shit about the cause.

If I'm honest,
I don't even really like animals.

I did this because I really fancy you

and didn't want you seeing my scared
little willy in broad daylight.

How's that for a cause?
Come on!

(CHEERING)

I don't want to die now.

I mean, I'm not keen on it happening
at all, but not now.

I've got no regrets.
Really? No regrets? None at all?

I suppose I could have had
more sleep.

I wish I'd had more sex.
(TUTS) Don't we all, mate.

Or at least another go on myself.
I wonder if I can...

No. The adrenaline should speed
things up.

Isn't it humiliating enough
without throwing in a death wank?

Fine, I won't.
(DOOR OPENING)

(CROWD BOOING

(BOOING AND WHISTLING)

Afternoon.

(FANFARE)

Well, it's been nice knowing you.

I'm going to brain myself
on that wall.

Go on, I'll 'ave a bit of that.
OK, cool.

I think I will have that death wank.
No, wait.

Listen.
I know the odds aren't...great,

and this usually doesn't end well,

but I also know that if we stick
together and work as a team,

then no matter what comes
through that gate, we can take it.

What do you say?

Together.
BOTH: Together.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GROWLS)
Shit the bed, it's a lion!

I'm getting out of here!
OK, great.

Brain myself, brain myself.

(GROANS)

I kicked it in his face! I kicked
a lion in its fucking face!

I'm fast, you big yellow bastard.

Why are you aggressive?
Just calm down!

(GROWLS)
Er...

Er, help me! Help me.

Good lion, good lion.
(WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMS)
Shit, that hurts!

Bad lion, bad lion!

It's eating me. It's eating me up.

Help! Bloody hell.

(SCREAMING)

(LION HOWLING)

Good thinking, G Man.

Sometimes a finger up the bum's the
only language these animals speak.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

Cheers for saving
the old life there, Grumio.

S'all right. Let us stay in
the flats and we'll call it quits.

Deal.
Maybe a reduction in rent?

Sorry, we just called it quits.

Marcus! I'm so glad you're alive.

Really? Even though I lied about
liking animals?

Yeah, you did it all for me.
That's so romantic.

Hm, yeah. I guess it is.
My friends don't all agree.

Lion fingerer! You fingered a lion!

You lying, fingering bastard.

MAN: You're scum!
Animal hating scum!

(MAN SHOUTING)

Delphine.
Uh-huh?

Will you be my Gaulfriend?

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