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1
00:00:00,164 --> 00:00:03,083
You're a stupid slow waddling duck.
2
00:00:03,125 --> 00:00:04,543
(Kids all talk at once)
3
00:00:05,586 --> 00:00:08,297
(All shouting out at once)
4
00:00:08,339 --> 00:00:10,674
Oh, you cheeky beasts.
5
00:00:10,716 --> 00:00:13,344
..slimy oven glove.
6
00:00:13,385 --> 00:00:16,222
You're germs from a fly.
7
00:00:16,263 --> 00:00:18,349
- I've never been so insulted.
- you're hair!
8
00:00:18,390 --> 00:00:22,520
You're stinky brain juice
from a diseased cave troll.
9
00:00:22,561 --> 00:00:26,232
You are a dead wakhog's burp.
10
00:00:26,273 --> 00:00:28,609
You're elephant poo that's stinky and yucky.
11
00:00:28,651 --> 00:00:33,489
- All right, enough with the poo stuff.
- You're dead elephant's diarrhoea.
12
00:00:33,531 --> 00:00:35,991
- Thank you.
- (All shout at once)
13
00:00:36,033 --> 00:00:37,910
All right, enough of that.
14
00:00:37,910 --> 00:00:39,870
(All shouting at once)
15
00:00:39,870 --> 00:00:41,914
Thank you, enough of the poo jokes.
16
00:00:41,956 --> 00:00:43,541
- ..horrible...
- Stop it.
17
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:48,838
I know,
let's play Fortunately, Unfortunately.
18
00:00:48,879 --> 00:00:50,548
I'll start.
19
00:00:50,589 --> 00:00:53,717
Fortunately, the sun was shining.
20
00:00:53,759 --> 00:00:55,469
Unfortunately, I don't like burgers.
21
00:00:55,469 --> 00:00:58,472
- You said you liked burgers.
- When did I say that?
22
00:00:58,514 --> 00:01:00,724
When you wouldn't eat your fish.
23
00:01:00,766 --> 00:01:02,434
I mean, what do you like?
24
00:01:02,476 --> 00:01:04,103
Pudding.
25
00:01:04,145 --> 00:01:06,147
You can't just eat puddings.
26
00:01:06,188 --> 00:01:08,107
You can if you're a vegetarian.
27
00:01:08,149 --> 00:01:12,403
Vegetarians eat up all their vegetables -
the clue is in the word.
28
00:01:12,444 --> 00:01:14,780
- This isn't my bowl.
- It is your bowl!
29
00:01:14,822 --> 00:01:17,283
Special bowl, special spoon, special cup.
30
00:01:17,324 --> 00:01:18,868
Nice burgers.
31
00:01:18,909 --> 00:01:20,411
Thank you, Deion.
32
00:01:20,452 --> 00:01:22,538
Now, why can't I have children like you?
33
00:01:22,580 --> 00:01:24,206
Can I have some lager?
34
00:01:25,374 --> 00:01:26,834
Red Stripe if you have it.
35
00:01:26,876 --> 00:01:28,669
Red Stripe?
36
00:01:28,669 --> 00:01:30,880
My dad gives it to me.
37
00:01:31,839 --> 00:01:33,382
Can I have some too?
38
00:01:33,424 --> 00:01:39,472
Now, weren't we playing
Fortunately, Unfortunately?
39
00:01:39,513 --> 00:01:41,098
Hm? Yeah, I think we were.
40
00:01:41,140 --> 00:01:43,517
- Can I start?
- No, I'll start.
41
00:01:43,559 --> 00:01:48,230
Fortunately, the dragon
who came to stay was friendly.
42
00:01:54,069 --> 00:01:56,280
- (Phone)
- ..he rushed to the toilet
43
00:01:56,322 --> 00:01:58,073
before he pooed his pants.
44
00:01:58,115 --> 00:02:00,451
Unfortunately,
45
00:02:00,493 --> 00:02:05,331
he left with all the food...
46
00:02:06,332 --> 00:02:09,502
- Mum!
- Ah, thank you.
47
00:02:09,543 --> 00:02:11,295
Hello?
48
00:02:12,296 --> 00:02:14,423
Hm, just put it down.
49
00:02:15,466 --> 00:02:19,720
Otto's dad had that, when he picked up
the phone, they always hung up.
50
00:02:19,762 --> 00:02:23,432
Turns out...his wife was cheating on him.
51
00:02:23,474 --> 00:02:26,310
Could you not do that at the table, please.
52
00:02:26,352 --> 00:02:27,812
I'm revising.
53
00:02:27,853 --> 00:02:30,105
- You're MSNing!
- About homework.
54
00:02:30,147 --> 00:02:32,274
''Hello, Barney, I'm not doing my homework.''
55
00:02:32,316 --> 00:02:34,693
- ''No, hi, Jake, neither am l.''
- Sarcasm.
56
00:02:34,735 --> 00:02:36,070
- No, it's not.
- (Phone)
57
00:02:36,070 --> 00:02:37,863
- Er...
- It's your mobile.
58
00:02:37,905 --> 00:02:40,741
I know it's my mobile.
59
00:02:40,783 --> 00:02:43,160
- (All) Ring, ring, ring!
- Vey funny! Shush.
60
00:02:44,703 --> 00:02:47,248
Stop it, guys, that is really annoying.
61
00:02:47,289 --> 00:02:50,584
- (All) Ring, ring, ring, ring.
- Ah!
62
00:02:50,626 --> 00:02:53,587
Oh, Jesus!
63
00:02:53,629 --> 00:02:55,297
- Hi, Veronica.
- (Phone)
64
00:02:55,339 --> 00:02:56,715
Hang on a minute.
65
00:02:59,510 --> 00:03:01,595
Hello. Oh, hi, Dad.
66
00:03:01,637 --> 00:03:04,598
Jake, can you talk to your granddad
for a minute, please.
67
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,350
Sorry, Veronica.
68
00:03:06,392 --> 00:03:08,686
- Hi, Granddad.
- Yeah.
69
00:03:08,727 --> 00:03:14,150
No, no, you only have to say I live with you
if anyone from my school comes round.
70
00:03:14,191 --> 00:03:18,237
- Yeah.
- Yeah, no, I'm at big school now.
71
00:03:18,279 --> 00:03:19,780
Well, good for you.
72
00:03:19,822 --> 00:03:22,158
Mm, yeah.
73
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,578
- No, it's Jake.
- Yeah.
74
00:03:25,619 --> 00:03:29,915
- You kicked me.
- I'll email it later. Yes, this evening.
75
00:03:29,957 --> 00:03:32,918
Yes, I'm sure you will still be there.
76
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,503
Yeah.
77
00:03:34,545 --> 00:03:36,130
OK, bye.
78
00:03:37,047 --> 00:03:40,217
Wouldn't need to stay in the office
till ten o'clock if you had any friends.
79
00:03:40,259 --> 00:03:43,262
or a life or a...chin.
80
00:03:43,304 --> 00:03:45,389
He wants to know
when Auntie Angela's back.
81
00:03:45,389 --> 00:03:47,349
Don't we all.
82
00:03:49,143 --> 00:03:53,522
Hi, Dad. No, I'm sorry, she hasn't seen fit
to tell us when she'll be dropping by.
83
00:03:53,564 --> 00:03:55,941
(Karen) You kicked me.
(Ben) No, I didn't.
84
00:03:55,983 --> 00:03:58,527
No, I don't know when she's coming back.
85
00:03:58,569 --> 00:03:59,904
You started it.
86
00:03:59,945 --> 00:04:03,449
I'm sorry, Dad,
I'll have to ring you back later.
87
00:04:03,491 --> 00:04:04,909
OK. Right.
88
00:04:04,909 --> 00:04:06,911
Karen and Ben, now just stop it!
89
00:04:06,911 --> 00:04:09,288
Ben, stop, both of you.
90
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,081
- (Beeping)
- Karen, stop!
91
00:04:11,123 --> 00:04:12,166
(Sirens)
92
00:04:17,671 --> 00:04:21,258
Ben, see you did like it, well done,
and well done to you too, Deion.
93
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:23,803
- It was disgusting.
- You've done very well. Karen, eat up.
94
00:04:23,844 --> 00:04:26,263
- Don't like it.
- Who's Angela?
95
00:04:26,305 --> 00:04:28,098
Angela's our auntie.
96
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:30,684
Mum's older sister, she lives in America.
97
00:04:30,726 --> 00:04:35,356
Comes round every now and then,
then Mum turns all creepy and weird.
98
00:04:35,397 --> 00:04:37,149
l do not go creepy and weird.
99
00:04:37,191 --> 00:04:41,278
Every time she comes round she has
a different colour hat and a different boyfriend.
100
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,947
This one's called Trent.
101
00:04:42,988 --> 00:04:45,991
- I'm really looking forward to meeting him!
- Sarcasm.
102
00:04:46,033 --> 00:04:47,660
What?
103
00:04:47,701 --> 00:04:50,120
Sarcasm -
saying the opposite of what you mean.
104
00:04:50,162 --> 00:04:51,372
- Just...
- Sorry I'm late.
105
00:04:51,413 --> 00:04:53,624
- What happened?
- Oh, meeting.
106
00:04:53,666 --> 00:04:56,961
- What about?
- Boring curriculum stuff.
107
00:04:57,002 --> 00:04:58,546
Oh, right.
108
00:04:59,421 --> 00:05:00,965
There you go.
109
00:05:02,550 --> 00:05:04,593
Thanks.
110
00:05:04,635 --> 00:05:06,011
No.
111
00:05:06,804 --> 00:05:08,430
Family dinner, remember.
112
00:05:09,723 --> 00:05:12,518
- Oh, yeah. Of course.
- How was school?
113
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,147
A girl in 5J has posted bits of dead badger
to the prime minister.
114
00:05:16,188 --> 00:05:19,066
What, to protest against the badger cull?
115
00:05:19,108 --> 00:05:21,443
Probably cos she was bored.
116
00:05:21,485 --> 00:05:24,071
Still, I'm sure our new
head will now introduce
117
00:05:24,113 --> 00:05:27,741
a not posting bits of dead badger
to prime ministers target.
118
00:05:27,783 --> 00:05:34,039
My dad put a dead rat in my bed
and he said I'd wet it but I hadn't.
119
00:05:34,081 --> 00:05:35,166
This is Deion.
120
00:05:35,207 --> 00:05:36,709
Hi, Deion.
121
00:05:36,709 --> 00:05:40,504
He didn't put a dead rat into your bed!
122
00:05:40,546 --> 00:05:42,673
(Deion) He does things when he's drunk.
123
00:05:42,715 --> 00:05:47,553
He throws bricks at me
and he fights policemen.
124
00:05:48,888 --> 00:05:50,848
Nice tea, Ben's mum.
125
00:05:50,890 --> 00:05:53,476
That's... That's OK.
126
00:05:53,517 --> 00:05:55,186
We've finished, Mum. Can we get down?
127
00:05:55,227 --> 00:05:57,146
- All right.
- Not till everyone's...
128
00:05:57,188 --> 00:05:58,856
- OK.
- Not until...
129
00:05:58,898 --> 00:05:59,982
Go on then.
130
00:06:01,317 --> 00:06:03,068
Karen, I want you to finish that.
131
00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:08,449
I don't like it
and also it's not in my special bowl.
132
00:06:08,491 --> 00:06:11,410
I'm not eating out of a thing
that's not my bowl.
133
00:06:11,452 --> 00:06:12,661
So, how was school?
134
00:06:14,538 --> 00:06:16,081
Make any friends?
135
00:06:16,123 --> 00:06:17,750
lt's the second day, Dad.
136
00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:20,461
Make any enemies?
137
00:06:21,462 --> 00:06:26,342
Try not to worry about this bullying thing.
There's no reason he should be bullied.
138
00:06:26,383 --> 00:06:28,344
There's no reason why I was bullied.
139
00:06:28,385 --> 00:06:30,721
You're dad said
it was because you were effeminate.
140
00:06:30,763 --> 00:06:33,182
Not effeminate, sensitive.
141
00:06:33,224 --> 00:06:36,727
And Jake's sensitive. They'd have him
for breakfast at my school.
142
00:06:37,812 --> 00:06:40,189
They'd have Mike Tyson for breakfast
at your school.
143
00:06:40,231 --> 00:06:46,904
Do I have to go to the school
that you...go to when I'm older?
144
00:06:46,946 --> 00:06:48,697
No, no, sweetheak.
145
00:06:48,739 --> 00:06:51,951
We'll commit fraud
and say you live at Granddad's.
146
00:06:51,951 --> 00:06:54,954
Why do you have to go to the school
that you go to?
147
00:06:54,995 --> 00:06:56,580
What, to teach?
148
00:06:56,622 --> 00:06:58,123
Yeah.
149
00:06:58,165 --> 00:06:59,667
Mm, well...
150
00:06:59,708 --> 00:07:01,627
Is it cos you've been naughty?
151
00:07:01,669 --> 00:07:03,212
No, I chose to do it.
152
00:07:03,254 --> 00:07:04,880
Why?
153
00:07:04,922 --> 00:07:07,800
Well...it was a long time ago
when Daddy was young,
154
00:07:07,842 --> 00:07:13,347
and he thought he could get
quite rough children to learn to love histoy.
155
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,976
Daddy was wrong.
Now, go on, eat your peas.
156
00:07:17,017 --> 00:07:20,437
I'm not eating out of it, if it's not my bowl.
157
00:07:20,479 --> 00:07:22,064
- What's that?
- What's what?
158
00:07:22,106 --> 00:07:24,483
What's that down there?
159
00:07:26,527 --> 00:07:28,445
- (Sighs)
- Ben's dinner.
160
00:07:29,989 --> 00:07:31,657
Oh, he's good.
161
00:07:42,710 --> 00:07:44,044
OK, here's the deal, right -
162
00:07:44,086 --> 00:07:48,507
you eat half the burger, OK,
and all these vegetables.
163
00:07:48,549 --> 00:07:52,636
I'm only eating two things of one -
164
00:07:52,678 --> 00:07:56,390
like, one piece of broccoli
and then another piece of broccoli.
165
00:07:56,390 --> 00:07:59,643
- I'm not eating any more than two.
- No, you've gotta eat all these peas.
166
00:07:59,685 --> 00:08:04,273
I'm just eating
like one corn and another corn.
167
00:08:04,315 --> 00:08:08,194
No negotiation, right,
you're gonna eat all that food.
168
00:08:08,235 --> 00:08:09,737
OK, that's it.
169
00:08:09,778 --> 00:08:11,947
No deal, you're eating everything.
170
00:08:11,989 --> 00:08:14,825
(Deep voice) Glory to Spartar!
171
00:08:21,749 --> 00:08:23,918
- (Rings)
- (Both) Aargh!
172
00:08:27,463 --> 00:08:28,964
OK, five spoonfuls.
173
00:08:29,006 --> 00:08:30,508
Five spoonfuls.
174
00:08:30,549 --> 00:08:31,926
N-O, no.
175
00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:35,429
I'm not eating any more than two.
176
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:38,098
Four - four mouthfuls.
177
00:08:38,140 --> 00:08:40,684
- Nope, I'm not...
- That's two times two. Come on, four.
178
00:08:40,726 --> 00:08:43,270
No, I'm just eating two things.
179
00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:45,648
- Three?
- One and a half.
180
00:08:45,689 --> 00:08:50,277
There are children in Africa who are starving.
They'd love to eat all this stuff.
181
00:08:50,319 --> 00:08:53,739
(Sighs) Why don't you just send it to them?
182
00:08:53,781 --> 00:08:56,575
Go buy an envelope and send it to them.
183
00:08:56,617 --> 00:09:01,121
You can't put this in an envelope, can you?
It'd all get crushed. You'd get sort of soup.
184
00:09:01,163 --> 00:09:09,046
Well, you could put each thing
in a plastic bag and put it in the thing,
185
00:09:09,088 --> 00:09:10,339
and then send it.
186
00:09:10,381 --> 00:09:12,716
I'm not gonna put a burger in bubble wrap.
187
00:09:12,758 --> 00:09:14,510
Just eat this.
188
00:09:14,552 --> 00:09:15,970
(Rumbling overhead)
189
00:09:16,011 --> 00:09:17,888
What are they doing up there?
190
00:09:17,930 --> 00:09:20,432
Deion's mum should be here soon.
191
00:09:20,474 --> 00:09:22,393
ls she eating up?
192
00:09:22,434 --> 00:09:25,354
She's banging on
about how that's not her bowl.
193
00:09:25,396 --> 00:09:28,482
Well, it isn't her bowl,
because I dropped hers this morning,
194
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:33,529
and I had to drive all the way to Ikea to get
her one that was identical, but it is identical.
195
00:09:33,571 --> 00:09:35,489
Then how does she know?
196
00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:38,242
l don't know. She must have...powers.
197
00:09:42,705 --> 00:09:44,081
ls that Ben's bag?
198
00:09:44,123 --> 00:09:45,833
No, it's Deion's.
199
00:09:45,875 --> 00:09:47,042
Right.
200
00:09:47,084 --> 00:09:50,171
God, his writing's much better than Ben's,
and his pictures.
201
00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:56,760
And his maths!
God, what is wrong with that school?
202
00:09:56,802 --> 00:10:00,055
What do you make of him though?
He's a bit odd, isn't he?
203
00:10:00,097 --> 00:10:02,892
l mean, all that stuff about dead rat
and the bricks.
204
00:10:02,933 --> 00:10:04,143
Just don't get involved.
205
00:10:04,185 --> 00:10:07,730
Kids take the tiniest thing
and they blow it out of proportion.
206
00:10:07,771 --> 00:10:11,734
Daddy, I've had one spoonful,
can I get down?
207
00:10:11,775 --> 00:10:13,360
Yeah, all right.
208
00:10:13,402 --> 00:10:15,946
Can someone get Pusscat from the car?
209
00:10:15,988 --> 00:10:18,616
- OK.
- (Phone)
210
00:10:18,657 --> 00:10:20,534
Oh, Veronica, you...
211
00:10:21,452 --> 00:10:22,870
Hello.
212
00:10:24,830 --> 00:10:26,290
Mm-hm.
213
00:10:26,332 --> 00:10:27,541
(Mooing)
214
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:30,085
Hey, no, you're not having a biscuit.
215
00:10:30,127 --> 00:10:32,171
Why not? Mum said I could have one.
216
00:10:32,213 --> 00:10:34,673
That was before
you hid all your tea over there, wasn't it?
217
00:10:34,715 --> 00:10:36,842
I didn't hide all my tea over there.
218
00:10:36,884 --> 00:10:38,427
So who did hide your tea over there?
219
00:10:38,469 --> 00:10:39,470
Deion.
220
00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:42,973
Yeah, well, you're not exactly famous
for telling the truth, are you, Ben?
221
00:10:43,015 --> 00:10:47,102
look at this - no fibs for a whole week.
222
00:10:47,144 --> 00:10:49,688
One whole week.
223
00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:51,273
Bloody Veronica!
224
00:10:51,315 --> 00:10:55,110
She hates anyone who's had children.
She looks on it as slacking.
225
00:10:55,152 --> 00:10:57,571
Ben's been showing me his chart,
he's very proud of it.
226
00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:05,996
He's been putting his own stars on again,
hasn't he?
227
00:11:06,038 --> 00:11:07,748
l put them up there.
228
00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:13,170
l saw him make a tower to get the stickers
and put them on the chart,
229
00:11:13,212 --> 00:11:19,301
and, um, also I saw him
cut a centipede in two with scissors.
230
00:11:19,343 --> 00:11:23,097
lt's really not nice
to tell tales on your brother.
231
00:11:24,223 --> 00:11:28,185
So, was it Ben who threw the quiche
on Tim and Suki's conservatoy roof?
232
00:11:28,227 --> 00:11:31,230
- Yes.
- And was it Ben who buried...
233
00:11:31,272 --> 00:11:33,566
- Pete!
- Can I have a biscuit?
234
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:38,529
Yes, but it's not a reward, it's, erm...
235
00:11:38,571 --> 00:11:40,197
It's a biscuit.
236
00:11:40,239 --> 00:11:41,699
Thank you.
237
00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:44,994
He swore blind the quiche thing wasn't him.
238
00:11:45,035 --> 00:11:48,664
This is getting even more out of control.
239
00:11:48,706 --> 00:11:50,749
What does Dr Internet say?
240
00:11:50,749 --> 00:11:53,794
Why do you always assume
that I've been on the...
241
00:11:54,962 --> 00:11:59,341
OK, well, there's this woman in New Zealand
and she's doing this blog,
242
00:11:59,383 --> 00:12:01,886
and she's got a son who's a bit like Ben.
243
00:12:01,927 --> 00:12:05,055
- It's fairly reassuring.
- Because?
244
00:12:05,097 --> 00:12:07,433
Because he's slightly worse than Ben.
245
00:12:07,475 --> 00:12:09,226
Oh, well, that's all right then.
246
00:12:09,268 --> 00:12:12,730
So, of the five billion people on earth,
we know one lies more than Ben.
247
00:12:12,771 --> 00:12:15,858
D'you know, in some ways,
l would rather my child was best.
248
00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:17,401
(Sirens)
249
00:12:26,535 --> 00:12:28,496
- Another one from Angela?
- Yeah, a postcard.
250
00:12:28,537 --> 00:12:32,541
Her favourite method of communication. It says
she'll be passing through in a couple of days,
251
00:12:32,583 --> 00:12:35,294
with the emphasis on passing through.
252
00:12:35,336 --> 00:12:39,256
It'll be the usual one-day royal visit
where she shows off her suntan,
253
00:12:39,298 --> 00:12:42,510
and tells me that what I'm cooking
is full of poison.
254
00:12:42,510 --> 00:12:45,387
And then she'll piss off
and Dad won't even get a...
255
00:12:45,429 --> 00:12:48,140
Oh... Bin night.
256
00:12:55,481 --> 00:12:58,275
I'm in big trouble when you leave.
257
00:12:58,317 --> 00:13:00,736
This toilet roll's gonna go in a minute.
258
00:13:00,778 --> 00:13:03,030
What have you been doing?
259
00:13:03,072 --> 00:13:04,990
look, Mummy, it's a mummy.
260
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:09,995
Deion, your mummy's gonna... Your real
mummy's gonna be here in a minute.
261
00:13:10,037 --> 00:13:13,290
look, take your loo roll and go and ty
and get some of that off before she comes.
262
00:13:13,332 --> 00:13:14,834
He can't walk properly.
263
00:13:14,875 --> 00:13:17,461
Ben, I need to have a chat with you.
264
00:13:17,503 --> 00:13:19,797
Ben, listen to me.
265
00:13:20,798 --> 00:13:23,217
- I didn't do it.
- What?
266
00:13:23,259 --> 00:13:25,845
The, um...broken toilet roll holder.
267
00:13:27,471 --> 00:13:28,931
- Ben?
- Yeah?
268
00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:33,811
Have you ever heard of the story
called The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
269
00:13:33,853 --> 00:13:39,024
Yes, it's about a boy
who has some sheep
270
00:13:39,066 --> 00:13:41,610
- and he says that a wolf is attacking his sheep.
- Yes.
271
00:13:41,652 --> 00:13:43,654
Nobody believes him and he gets munched up.
272
00:13:43,696 --> 00:13:46,866
Yeah, and it's a story all about what?
273
00:13:46,907 --> 00:13:52,079
lf you're gonna speak to me about lying,
there are no wolves around here.
274
00:13:52,121 --> 00:13:53,789
We're in london, don't forget.
275
00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:57,001
Yeah, the reason I'm talking about...
276
00:13:57,042 --> 00:14:00,254
- You get wolves in Scotland.
- Yeah, thanks, Deion.
277
00:14:01,964 --> 00:14:04,967
Ben, no one will like you if you lie,
278
00:14:05,009 --> 00:14:07,636
- cos you tell...
- (Gun goes off)
279
00:14:07,678 --> 00:14:10,598
Stop doing that while I'm talking.
In fact, give it to me.
280
00:14:10,639 --> 00:14:15,394
Look, listen to me.
Listen, you must not lie.
281
00:14:15,436 --> 00:14:16,770
What I do is sarcasm.
282
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:20,107
Sarcasm is saying the opposite
of what you mean. That's what Dad said.
283
00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:22,526
- No, what you do...
- (Gun goes off)
284
00:14:24,069 --> 00:14:27,948
- What you do is, you tell lies.
- No, I don't.
285
00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:30,784
The upshot is, you tell lies,
286
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:34,538
and what you're saying is,
is if you do something like you say,
287
00:14:34,580 --> 00:14:37,082
no, I didn't throw quiche
onto the conservatoy roof,
288
00:14:37,124 --> 00:14:39,668
and you did throw quiche
onto the conservatoy roof.
289
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:42,087
You're saying that's sarcasm, are you?
290
00:14:42,129 --> 00:14:44,089
- Yep.
- Oh, brilliant!
291
00:14:44,131 --> 00:14:47,384
- Sarcasm.
- Yeah, that's sarcasm.
292
00:14:48,302 --> 00:14:49,595
Deion, where are you?
293
00:14:49,637 --> 00:14:53,015
Ben, I haven't finished yet.
Can you come back here, please.
294
00:14:53,057 --> 00:14:56,101
Deion, I have to speak to Ben
for a little bit longer.
295
00:14:56,143 --> 00:14:59,396
Ben, can you please come back here.
296
00:15:00,523 --> 00:15:03,901
lt's tough starting seconday school,
eh, Jake?
297
00:15:04,902 --> 00:15:06,487
l was, erm...
298
00:15:07,321 --> 00:15:09,657
l was thinking about
when I started seconday school.
299
00:15:09,698 --> 00:15:10,699
Mm.
300
00:15:10,741 --> 00:15:12,785
There were a couple of boys
who picked on me.
301
00:15:12,827 --> 00:15:14,245
Yeah, cos you were effeminate.
302
00:15:14,286 --> 00:15:16,413
No, not because I was...
303
00:15:17,414 --> 00:15:21,085
Dad, what's all this about you being a racist?
304
00:15:21,126 --> 00:15:24,296
What? Where did you hear that?
305
00:15:25,464 --> 00:15:29,969
Well, Susan Bentley's brother
goes to your school,
306
00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:33,013
and he reckons you're in trouble
for being a racist or something.
307
00:15:33,055 --> 00:15:38,310
Look, some... Some stupid parent
has made some stupid complaint,
308
00:15:38,310 --> 00:15:42,148
but that absolutely
does not make me a racist, OK, Jake?
309
00:15:42,189 --> 00:15:48,779
OK. I mean, it has to be said
you do shout at Ainsley Harriott rather a lot
310
00:15:48,821 --> 00:15:50,197
when he's on the TV.
311
00:15:50,239 --> 00:15:56,662
Everyone does that. I shout at Vanessa Felts,
Trinny and Susannah,
312
00:15:56,704 --> 00:16:02,710
Davina McCall, Huw Edwards -
It does not make me a racist.
313
00:16:02,751 --> 00:16:06,630
lf anyone is a racist, it is the parent
who is bringing the stupid complaint.
314
00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:08,716
Jake, go and finish your homework.
315
00:16:08,757 --> 00:16:10,593
- Do I have to?
- Mm-hm.
316
00:16:15,014 --> 00:16:17,099
What racist complaint?
317
00:16:18,559 --> 00:16:20,144
lt was that kid, Kamal again.
318
00:16:20,186 --> 00:16:21,604
The fat Turkish kid?
319
00:16:21,645 --> 00:16:25,107
Yeah. He was stuffing his face,
as per usual, in lessons -
320
00:16:25,149 --> 00:16:30,112
munching his way through a bag of crisps,
and I said to him, purely frivolously,
321
00:16:30,154 --> 00:16:34,200
''You could do with Ramadan lasting
all year round, couldn't you, Kamal?''
322
00:16:34,241 --> 00:16:35,493
lt was quite witty, really.
323
00:16:35,534 --> 00:16:39,788
And now his dad has said
that I singled him out because of his religion,
324
00:16:39,788 --> 00:16:42,917
and apparently I've traumatised him
about his weight -
325
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:48,005
which is down to a glandular disorder,
it seems,
326
00:16:48,047 --> 00:16:51,550
which presumably compels him
to thrust pies down his throat,
327
00:16:51,592 --> 00:16:53,677
and that was it.
328
00:16:55,387 --> 00:16:58,390
The governors won't take it seriously.
329
00:16:58,390 --> 00:16:59,600
The governors?
330
00:16:59,642 --> 00:17:01,852
He wrote to the LEA
so it has to go to the governors,
331
00:17:01,894 --> 00:17:04,146
but they'll just kick it into the long grass.
332
00:17:04,188 --> 00:17:06,524
l can't believe
that you were tying to keep this quiet.
333
00:17:06,565 --> 00:17:08,818
l was gonna tell you when it was over.
334
00:17:08,859 --> 00:17:13,030
Brilliant! So now I've got two members
of my family lying to me!
335
00:17:13,030 --> 00:17:15,741
- I didn't want to worry you.
- (Thud above)
336
00:17:15,783 --> 00:17:17,326
- (Ben) Aargh!
- (Sighs)
337
00:17:18,327 --> 00:17:20,454
We should be sharing these things, Pete.
338
00:17:20,496 --> 00:17:22,498
l know. I know, you're right.
339
00:17:24,708 --> 00:17:26,085
Um...
340
00:17:28,295 --> 00:17:29,797
What?
341
00:17:29,839 --> 00:17:35,761
There was an incident
that was vaguely similar last year.
342
00:17:35,803 --> 00:17:37,388
How similar?
343
00:17:37,429 --> 00:17:40,641
Well, similar in that it was
another completely baseless complaint...
344
00:17:41,934 --> 00:17:44,019
..and, er, it went to the governors.
345
00:17:44,061 --> 00:17:45,271
(Sighs)
346
00:17:45,312 --> 00:17:47,982
I mean,
you just can't make jokes these days.
347
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:51,193
That joke had no racial aspect.
348
00:17:51,235 --> 00:17:54,780
lt was just an unfortunate coincidence...
that she was pregnant.
349
00:17:56,657 --> 00:17:58,325
let me get this straight -
350
00:17:58,993 --> 00:18:02,329
the school is investigating
whether you are racist.
351
00:18:02,371 --> 00:18:03,622
But I am not a racist!
352
00:18:03,664 --> 00:18:06,792
l am not racially prejudiced
in any shape or form.
353
00:18:08,169 --> 00:18:10,045
Would you like some juice, Deion?
354
00:18:16,927 --> 00:18:18,554
Do you want to play?
355
00:18:18,596 --> 00:18:20,014
Do you want a toy?
356
00:18:20,931 --> 00:18:22,266
OK, I'll have that one.
357
00:18:23,392 --> 00:18:25,853
I'm worried about bullying.
358
00:18:25,895 --> 00:18:27,521
Why are you worried about bullying?
359
00:18:27,563 --> 00:18:29,565
I pushed Maisie.
360
00:18:29,607 --> 00:18:33,652
Oh, you're worried you're a bully?
How many times did you push Maisie?
361
00:18:33,694 --> 00:18:34,945
Once.
362
00:18:34,987 --> 00:18:36,030
Then what happened?
363
00:18:36,030 --> 00:18:40,826
She pushed me back,
then we played a game called Spy Dudes.
364
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:42,244
What's Spy Dudes?
365
00:18:42,286 --> 00:18:47,875
It's where you have to follow a teacher around,
and, without them noticing,
366
00:18:47,917 --> 00:18:53,172
and, erm, find out things about their life.
367
00:18:54,590 --> 00:18:56,300
Did you find anything out?
368
00:18:56,342 --> 00:19:04,350
Mm. I found out that one of the teacher's
husband had g... gout.
369
00:19:04,391 --> 00:19:05,851
What's gout?
370
00:19:05,893 --> 00:19:08,771
I'm not that sure.
371
00:19:08,813 --> 00:19:12,817
Look, when the last complaint thing flared up,
it was just after your mum had died
372
00:19:12,858 --> 00:19:16,946
- and I thought you had enough on your plate.
- But after that, you could've told me then.
373
00:19:16,987 --> 00:19:19,698
After that, you got involved
in that argument with Angela.
374
00:19:22,076 --> 00:19:23,869
Ben!
375
00:19:23,869 --> 00:19:25,287
We're tying to have a...
376
00:19:26,288 --> 00:19:27,706
(Ben) Sorry.
377
00:19:27,748 --> 00:19:31,043
Hey, Deion, I found something really cool.
378
00:19:31,085 --> 00:19:35,131
You know, she left you to sort out the will
and she wanted that second funeral.
379
00:19:35,172 --> 00:19:37,800
God, yeah, when she was going through
her Druid phase.
380
00:19:37,842 --> 00:19:39,969
I'm surprised
she didn't just wanna dig Mum up,
381
00:19:40,010 --> 00:19:43,347
and leave her on the mountaintops
for the vultures to eat.
382
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:49,979
But this whole Kamal racist complaint thing
is absurd.
383
00:19:50,020 --> 00:19:51,772
Yeah, nothing'll come of it.
384
00:19:51,814 --> 00:19:53,732
- No, it'll just...
- Fizzle out.
385
00:19:53,774 --> 00:19:56,110
- It's just blow over.
- Of course it will.
386
00:19:57,403 --> 00:20:01,115
(Jake) Karen, look what I found in the bin.
387
00:20:01,157 --> 00:20:02,449
lt's your bowl.
388
00:20:02,491 --> 00:20:03,868
- No, it's not!
- Ben!
389
00:20:03,909 --> 00:20:05,953
- (Karen) What is it?
- Nothing.
390
00:20:05,995 --> 00:20:08,289
Jake, can you try not to leave the lights on.
391
00:20:08,330 --> 00:20:10,541
You're the one that's worried
by global warming.
392
00:20:10,583 --> 00:20:13,335
lt's not global warming
you want to wory about.
393
00:20:13,377 --> 00:20:15,629
lt's the carbon bloom.
394
00:20:15,629 --> 00:20:16,881
Carbon bloom?
395
00:20:16,922 --> 00:20:20,926
When the tundra melts and all the peat releases
the carbon dioxide trapped in it,
396
00:20:20,968 --> 00:20:23,137
then it goes into the earth's atmosphere,
397
00:20:23,179 --> 00:20:27,099
and the temperature shoots up
by about ten degrees in a couple of days.
398
00:20:27,141 --> 00:20:29,935
Right. Then what happens?
399
00:20:29,977 --> 00:20:31,312
Everyone dies.
400
00:20:32,605 --> 00:20:34,190
Excellent!
401
00:20:34,231 --> 00:20:38,068
In the meantime,
I'll turn the bloody lights out.
402
00:20:38,068 --> 00:20:40,070
(Sirens)
403
00:20:41,030 --> 00:20:43,991
- What's this?
- Karen's birthday list.
404
00:20:44,033 --> 00:20:47,369
Hama beads,
Blu-tack... donkey.
405
00:20:47,411 --> 00:20:49,038
(Mooing)
406
00:20:49,079 --> 00:20:51,373
Oh, hi, Deion.
Your mum'll be here soon.
407
00:20:51,415 --> 00:20:53,501
It won't be Mum, she's in prison.
408
00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:55,377
She's in prison?
409
00:20:55,419 --> 00:20:57,546
I saw her in the playground last week.
410
00:20:57,588 --> 00:21:00,341
She's in prison
for tying to kill the headmaster.
411
00:21:00,382 --> 00:21:02,510
Oh, right, OK.
412
00:21:02,510 --> 00:21:04,887
And how did she do that exactly?
413
00:21:04,929 --> 00:21:07,139
With a deadly ray gun.
414
00:21:07,181 --> 00:21:10,309
Well, let's hope she'll escape from prison
and pick you up really soon.
415
00:21:10,309 --> 00:21:12,061
(Ben) Deion, where are you?
416
00:21:12,102 --> 00:21:14,605
Ah, well, that all makes sense, doesn't it?
417
00:21:14,647 --> 00:21:18,275
- What?
- It's where it's all coming from, the lying.
418
00:21:18,317 --> 00:21:20,778
Because Ben really looks up to Deion.
419
00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:23,739
There are classes, I suppose,
where there's a culture of lying,
420
00:21:23,781 --> 00:21:27,076
- especially amongst boys.
- At least we haven't raised a sociopath.
421
00:21:27,117 --> 00:21:29,495
I thought when we had a third child
it'd get easier.
422
00:21:29,537 --> 00:21:31,413
I thought I'd get better at the Dad thing.
423
00:21:31,455 --> 00:21:33,165
I think we wory too much.
424
00:21:34,208 --> 00:21:37,169
It's impokant not to fall into the trap
of over-parenting.
425
00:21:37,211 --> 00:21:38,671
More internet?
426
00:21:38,712 --> 00:21:41,173
No, this book.
427
00:21:41,215 --> 00:21:42,466
A book?
428
00:21:42,508 --> 00:21:45,719
Do you think we over-parent
or do we under-parent?
429
00:21:45,761 --> 00:21:47,805
Both, I think.
430
00:21:47,847 --> 00:21:49,807
- Often at the same time.
- (Doorbell)
431
00:21:49,849 --> 00:21:52,351
Ah, good, Deion's mum.
432
00:21:52,393 --> 00:21:57,189
I can't wait to get them all into bed
and then just...collapse.
433
00:22:00,609 --> 00:22:01,735
Trick or treat?
434
00:22:01,777 --> 00:22:03,195
What?
435
00:22:03,237 --> 00:22:04,989
Trick or treat?
436
00:22:04,989 --> 00:22:06,866
But it's September!
437
00:22:06,907 --> 00:22:09,451
Halloween isn't till the end of October.
438
00:22:09,493 --> 00:22:12,037
Yeah, but we're away then, so, you know...
439
00:22:12,079 --> 00:22:14,165
OK, Deion,
did you bring anything with you?
440
00:22:14,206 --> 00:22:16,792
Coat, book, bag? Shoes?
441
00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:18,544
- Are those my shoes?
- They're mine.
442
00:22:18,586 --> 00:22:20,671
let's pop you up on here.
443
00:22:20,713 --> 00:22:22,590
Where's the other shoe?
444
00:22:22,631 --> 00:22:23,883
- Dad?
- Yes, Ben?
445
00:22:23,924 --> 00:22:28,095
How many buckets of water
could fill an elephant?
446
00:22:28,137 --> 00:22:29,513
I don't really know, Ben.
447
00:22:29,555 --> 00:22:35,769
If it was like one that you could open the back
and pour water in, how long would it take?
448
00:22:35,811 --> 00:22:39,607
- Erm...
- Would it take longer with custard?
449
00:22:39,648 --> 00:22:41,734
OK, that's it, off we go.
450
00:22:41,775 --> 00:22:44,820
- Are you OK, Deion?
- But you haven't answered my question.
451
00:22:44,862 --> 00:22:48,532
How many buckets of water
would it take to fill an elephant?
452
00:22:50,075 --> 00:22:51,869
4,615.
453
00:22:51,911 --> 00:22:53,162
How long would that take?
454
00:22:53,204 --> 00:22:55,039
Seven hours, 22 minutes.
455
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,791
- Are you sure?
- Could be quicker if you use a hose.
456
00:22:59,168 --> 00:23:00,920
False alarm. Trick or treaters.
457
00:23:00,961 --> 00:23:03,464
What, in September?
458
00:23:03,506 --> 00:23:05,883
God, I hate all that American stuff.
459
00:23:05,925 --> 00:23:10,930
God, so do l. It's like when Angela comes back
with all that sidewalk and cookie crap.
460
00:23:10,971 --> 00:23:12,515
I mean, she's English!
461
00:23:12,556 --> 00:23:15,017
No, no, sorry, she's a citizen of the world.
462
00:23:15,059 --> 00:23:17,728
- Yeah, but that's only...
- I know what's gonna happen.
463
00:23:17,770 --> 00:23:21,190
She's gonna drop by, she's gonna give Dad
half an hour of her precious time
464
00:23:21,232 --> 00:23:26,070
and then she's gonna bugger off
to find herself again. I've been...
465
00:23:26,070 --> 00:23:28,030
Can you stop going on
about bloody Angela?!
466
00:23:29,406 --> 00:23:33,869
look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap,
it's just when you go off on one about Angela,
467
00:23:33,869 --> 00:23:35,830
that's quite a lot of the day gone.
468
00:23:35,871 --> 00:23:37,122
(Phone)
469
00:23:42,795 --> 00:23:44,547
Hello?
470
00:23:44,588 --> 00:23:46,090
Oh, hi. Oh, no, OK.
471
00:23:46,132 --> 00:23:49,468
I'll bring him out. No, no, that's fine.
472
00:23:50,469 --> 00:23:54,140
It's your mum, she can't park.
She's probably on the run from the police.
473
00:23:54,181 --> 00:23:56,892
- The police thing isn't true.
- Really?
474
00:23:56,934 --> 00:24:01,188
And my dad throwing the brick thing isn't true.
475
00:24:01,230 --> 00:24:02,398
Isn't it?
476
00:24:02,439 --> 00:24:04,692
Ben told me to say that stuff.
477
00:24:04,733 --> 00:24:06,110
(Sighs)
478
00:24:07,319 --> 00:24:10,489
Bye-bye, Ben's mum.
Thank you for having me.
479
00:24:10,531 --> 00:24:12,950
Have you got everything?
480
00:24:14,577 --> 00:24:17,788
Mum, can you get Pusscat from the car?
481
00:24:20,749 --> 00:24:23,961
Did Mummy put you on the naughty step?
482
00:24:24,003 --> 00:24:26,297
- Yes, that's right.
- What did you do?
483
00:24:26,338 --> 00:24:28,632
l told her not to go on about something.
484
00:24:28,674 --> 00:24:30,009
Mm.
485
00:24:30,050 --> 00:24:35,473
You're not allowed to leave the naughty step
until Mummy says.
486
00:24:35,514 --> 00:24:37,808
l have clearance from the parole board.
487
00:24:40,352 --> 00:24:44,273
''Ben told me to say that stuff.''
488
00:24:44,833 --> 00:24:46,233
l know.
489
00:24:46,273 --> 00:24:49,113
l tell you something eke -
490
00:24:49,152 --> 00:24:51,353
Pusscat isn't in the car.
491
00:24:51,393 --> 00:24:53,193
Oh, God!
492
00:24:53,233 --> 00:24:56,673
l had to nip out to Boots
and Karen had Pusscat,
493
00:24:56,712 --> 00:24:58,553
but I think she must've dropped her...
494
00:24:58,593 --> 00:25:01,233
Then, go to Boots, go, Boots, now!
495
00:25:01,273 --> 00:25:04,073
But it's closed.
We're just gonna have to bluff like mad.
496
00:25:04,112 --> 00:25:05,673
She's in the car...
497
00:25:06,672 --> 00:25:08,353
..and we've lost the car keys.
498
00:25:08,393 --> 00:25:10,073
- That's good.
- (Doorbell)
499
00:25:10,112 --> 00:25:12,473
Oh, Deion must've left something behind.
500
00:25:15,992 --> 00:25:17,073
Surprise!
501
00:25:18,273 --> 00:25:20,713
Too right it's a surprise. Why didn't you ring?
502
00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:24,073
Oh, God, here we go,
cos then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?
503
00:25:24,113 --> 00:25:27,433
Hey, honey!
Oh, how are you?
504
00:25:28,593 --> 00:25:30,793
Guys, where are you, it's Auntie Angela!
505
00:25:30,833 --> 00:25:34,033
- It's their bedtime, try not to get them...
- She's got presents!
506
00:25:34,072 --> 00:25:35,633
..excited.
507
00:25:35,672 --> 00:25:39,153
Where are you all?
Who loves Auntie Angela?
508
00:25:39,193 --> 00:25:41,793
Me, me, me, me, me, me me!
509
00:25:41,833 --> 00:25:43,193
Have you got a bad back?
510
00:25:43,233 --> 00:25:46,913
l know this wondemul Reiki guy.
He's a friend of Trent.
511
00:25:46,952 --> 00:25:49,273
I'll give you his number.
There you go.
512
00:25:49,313 --> 00:25:53,153
- oh.
- And...this is for Ben.
513
00:25:53,193 --> 00:25:56,553
They're seeds
and you can make pictures with them.
514
00:25:58,273 --> 00:25:59,433
They're from Bulgaria.
515
00:26:00,872 --> 00:26:02,833
Say thank you, Ben.
516
00:26:02,872 --> 00:26:06,233
- No, don't bother with all that stuff.
- Well, in this house,
517
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:09,393
you do have to bother
with all that stuff though.
518
00:26:09,432 --> 00:26:12,393
- Ben?
- They're seeds!
519
00:26:12,432 --> 00:26:16,193
Yes, you have to say thank you for presents,
even if they're seeds. Don't you?
520
00:26:16,232 --> 00:26:19,353
Yeah, for all presents.
Say thank you.
521
00:26:19,393 --> 00:26:21,313
Thank you.
522
00:26:21,352 --> 00:26:24,393
Now, Jake, this is for you.
523
00:26:24,432 --> 00:26:25,633
Thank you.
524
00:26:25,673 --> 00:26:28,113
And, erm, Karen, what've I got for you?
525
00:26:28,152 --> 00:26:32,953
look, it's a dream catcher. Isn't it beautiful?
526
00:26:32,992 --> 00:26:35,153
It's made by the native Americans,
527
00:26:35,193 --> 00:26:38,353
and it catches your dreams
and keeps them safe forever.
528
00:26:38,393 --> 00:26:43,953
l had a dream about weasels eating me
last night and I don't want that one again.
529
00:26:43,992 --> 00:26:47,433
Well, it wouldn't keep a dream like that,
it only keeps the nice ones.
530
00:26:47,473 --> 00:26:52,793
How does it know which ones are the good
dreams and which ones are the bad dreams?
531
00:26:52,833 --> 00:26:54,913
That's a very good question.
532
00:26:54,953 --> 00:26:59,073
It knows which are the good dreams
cos it can see you smiling in your sleep.
533
00:26:59,113 --> 00:27:03,153
What if you're smiling,
but it's a bad dream...
534
00:27:03,192 --> 00:27:06,473
Erm... Erm...
535
00:27:06,513 --> 00:27:09,233
..and it catches that one
and you have it again?
536
00:27:09,273 --> 00:27:12,033
- It's more magical than that.
- How does it...
537
00:27:12,073 --> 00:27:13,913
- Say thank you, Karen.
- Thank you.
538
00:27:15,752 --> 00:27:17,593
So, nice to see you.
539
00:27:17,633 --> 00:27:20,633
Yeah, right, well,
I'll go and make you a bed up.
540
00:27:20,673 --> 00:27:22,793
Oh, I'm not staying.
541
00:27:23,793 --> 00:27:25,433
No, of course you're not staying.
542
00:27:26,432 --> 00:27:30,793
Dad has been ringing evey day for a week
to try and find out when you're coming,
543
00:27:30,833 --> 00:27:35,873
and you know how anxious he gets now
with his...and you're just gonna drop in,
544
00:27:35,912 --> 00:27:40,313
say hello, goodbye and run away again
as per usual, it's just not...
545
00:27:40,353 --> 00:27:42,313
I'm staying with Dad.
546
00:27:43,192 --> 00:27:44,833
Pardon?
547
00:27:44,872 --> 00:27:47,473
I'm gonna stay with Dad.
548
00:27:47,513 --> 00:27:49,873
I've left the states for good to stay with him.
549
00:27:49,912 --> 00:27:53,673
I did a lot of thinking while I was on holiday,
and you're right, it's my turn.
550
00:27:53,712 --> 00:27:57,953
And Dad's not gonna live forever.
I want to spend some time with him.
551
00:27:57,992 --> 00:27:59,633
Well, that's great.
552
00:28:00,633 --> 00:28:02,033
Thank you.
553
00:28:02,073 --> 00:28:04,033
Isn't it?
554
00:28:04,073 --> 00:28:07,593
Yeah, it... That... That really is great.
555
00:28:07,633 --> 00:28:08,993
To Angela.
556
00:28:10,353 --> 00:28:11,793
To Angela.
557
00:28:11,843 --> 00:28:16,393
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