All language subtitles for Dead.Hot.S01E01

Hello?

Peter? Jess?

- So I'll see you later then?
- Yes, please.

I'll text you.

You better.

- Hello.
- Do you have a moment...

- Good for you, sir.
- Yeah? Thanks, kiddo.

- Elliot.
- Yeah?

Oh, my God.

Move, move, move.

So?

- I have a crush.
- Perfect.

Oh, God. Please put some underwear on.
Your v-word is trying to make eye contact.

No bare arse on the couch.
I can't keep telling you.

Yeah. Shut up. Tell me everything.

Okay, okay. But I need you
to just ground me. Okay?

Just remind me it's only been one date.

No, stop that.
Sometimes that's all it takes.

Okay. But, Jess, the connection from
the club... I wasn't just drunk?

- No.
- I think we were destined to meet.

- Destined?
- Yeah.

Elly.

Yeah, like he's better than anything
I could have ever hoped for.

Really. Like, he was so funny.

He was so smart. So real.

He was so hot. He was so tall.

And I'm seeing him again today.

- Today!
- Yeah.

- No, no, honestly, honestly.
- Come here.

We had so much in common.
We had all these weird little details.

It was actually really weird.
Like... Fuck. Okay. Yeah.

Like, we both went on the same cruise
in 2005, like, a week apart.

- A week apart. What?
- Yeah.

And, like, we both have dairy issues

and we both have
the same favourite colour.

Jess. No, not just green.

Like, emerald green. Imagine.

I have not seen you
this excited about a guy since...

- Oh, God.
- ...like, forever.

So happy for you.

I just... I wanted to bring him home,

like, five minutes
into the date to meet you.

Honestly, you are gonna love him.

- Okay, now we need to back up.
- Okay, okay.

And I need exact details
from the very beginning.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So basically...
- I need to start getting ready for work.

- No. Jess.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna listen...
- Jess, no.

- ...while I make my espresso, okay?
- No. No.

- Okay, I promise. Okay.
- Okay, okay.

Go. I'm freaking out.
You're never like this.

So we were supposed to meet at 9:00,

but there were train issues,
so I got there, like...

Wait. I can't hear you.

So, we were supposed to meet at 9:00,
but there were, like, train issues.

- So I was, like, 20 minutes late.
- Wait.

I hate to do this,
but I'm gonna have to cut you short.

Fuck.

Elliot, I would literally kill
any acquaintance to stay home

and listen to you talk about
this boy right now.

That's okay. I've got to
get it in my journal anyway.

Like, every detail
needs to be a permanent memory.

- You know?
- Yeah. Bye.

Jess?

A part of me does
still feel like I'm cheating.

Don't do that.
My brother would want you to be happy.

Especially with a hottie.

Drop me my lunch on your way to work.
We can have a little teaser chat.

- Little teaser chat.
- Okay.

- Love you.
- Love you. Bye.

Sorry.

So what made you pick this place?

It's pretty shit.

Well, maybe I wasn't ready
to bet ₤15 cocktails

on your personality being
up to par with your dance moves.

Let me take you somewhere else
after this. You'll love it. I promise.

- Oh, my God. Where did you come from?
- Just my house.

But, like, how long
have you been standing there?

Only about 40 seconds.

Babe, that is so unacceptable of me.
Please forgive me.

You know what? Take that. On me.

It's free.

- Really?
- Yeah, really. It was meant for you.

Bye.

That malachite is coming out
of your paycheque, Jessica.

Jess, Jess, Jess, Jess.

Hi, Grandma.

Thank God you picked up.
I've had a horrible day.

Why's that?

Your Aunt Bonnie is acting up again
with that invisible friend of hers.

McCoughley is my fiancé
who I'm in love with.

Yes, that handsome underwear model
with the six-pack

who lives in your computer.

- That's your fiancé?
- He doesn't live there, Mother.

- It's just where we met. You know that.
- You never met, you fool.

You just can't believe that someone
as gorgeous as McCoughley would love me.

- Admit it.
- Well, that's part of it, of course.

Do you hear her?
I can't believe that I gave birth to that.

It's awful, Grandma.
You must be so embarrassed.

Embarrassed is exactly it, Elliot.
Embarrassed and profoundly ashamed.

Thank the Lord I have you.

That's not why I'm calling.

I'm actually rather concerned
about you, Elliot.

Why's that, Grandma?

Well, Janelle tells me you've been showing
up late for your shifts at Le BarkBark.

Grandma, no. Look.

Janelle just likes to have
a reason to talk to you.

That's not true.

Seriously, Grandma.
She's obsessed with you.

You know it.

I was late one time
and that's because church ran over.

I should've known.
You see through everyone, Elliot.

Forgive me for doubting you. Phone.

For the church.

Grandma, you shouldn't have.

I'm so proud of the man
you've grown up to be, Elliot.

Your mother would be too.

Yeah, being straight
has been super awesome.

Your happiness and salvation
are everything to me, Elliot.

Okay. I've got to go to work, okay?

My ambitious, precious Elliot.

Unlike some delusional freeloaders
living under my very roof.

- I hate you!
- I love you, Grandma.

I love your nails.

Thanks. Colour's called blood sex.

Do you ever do yours?

- No, no. Looks cringe on me.
- No, stop that.

You'd look sexy. Like, even more sexy.

Like, blood sexy.

So, you're really not gonna
tell me where we're going?

No. But I promise you'll like it.

- Thought we'd take the scenic route.
- No, no, it's lovely.

- Hey, Raphael. How you been?
- Hi.

Jess?

Hi. Oh, my God. Taking lunch. Back in 20.

Remember when you and Raphael hooked up?

- Will you ever let that go?
- Absolutely not.

- It's peak comedy.
- I'm too fragile to be teased right now.

No, I'm too anxious to talk about
Will any more. He still hasn't texted me.

Well, not everyone
is a 24/7 texter like we are.

Yeah, but he told me he was, though.
That was another thing we had in common.

I really think he's just sleeping.

Trust the connection that you guys felt.

Also, if he is ignoring you,
then he's always been a fuckboy.

You should be grateful that he's
only ruined one of your nights.

I don't know.

Jess.

I told him everything.

- About Peter?
- Yeah. Everything.

Why would you tell all that to a stranger?

- He didn't feel like a stranger.
- He could be anyone.

Plus, that stuff's, like, private.

I thought you didn't like telling people.

No, no, no. Will asked me to tell him.
It's like he could see it in me.

He's got his own fucked-uppery
in his life too.

Well, what kind of fucked-uppery?

He never said.

- I need to tell you something.
- Who died?

No. No one. Listen.

You know that DNA app thing that I used,
years ago, to try and find Peter?

Jess, you promised
we'd never do that again.

I got a match today.

Look at that smiley.

- Jess, no. We're not doing this.
- I don't know who else it could be.

It's probably just some random cousin.

You think some random cousin
is using that stupid smiley?

And it's a tier one, Elliot.
That means it's a close relative.

It can't be Peter.
Babe, someone is messing with you.

I know it can't be, but what if it is?

Look at that smiley, Elliot.

Peter's dead, Jess.

But there was no body.
And the finger, you know.

How can we know for sure,
like, really, really know?

- Because of the finger, Jessica.
- Jessica?

- You're mad at me for this.
- No, I'm not mad at you.

- Just trying to move on.
- Sorry.

Stuff's just not healthy any more.

Still nothing from Will. Whatever.

I've got to get to work.

Janelle ratted me out to Grandma
for being late again.

Okay. Love you.

Fuck.

Sorry.

Sir, you just stroked my breast.

What?

Sorry.

Jessica.

It's three past.

I'm taking the afternoon off.

Jessica.

So you do know how to tell the time.

- Wonderful.
- Hey, Janelle.

If you have a problem with how
I'm conducting myself in the workplace,

maybe just try taking it up with me
instead of my grandma next time.

I have taken it up with you.
Nearly every day, in fact.

It's just, like,
Grandma tends to take my side,

and I just hate for it
to affect your relationship,

or compromise your invitation
to my aunt's wedding.

Sweetie.

There we go. All done.

Now then, let's see.

Here's Daddy.

Why the fuck's his hair like that?

Our stylist felt
a more modern look for Laurent...

You have to be severely disturbed
to work here. You know that?

All I asked for was a nail trim
and an arsehole shave.

How do I know you?

Perhaps from one of
Laurent's previous visits to Le BarkBark.

No. Absolutely not. He's never
been here before and he'll never return.

- Okay.
- You're the weather bloke.

The pants guy?

No, I'm sorry.

I wish.

Dog were a nightmare too.

Is that so?

Do you know, it's awful.

Someone left this poor little angel
out front last night. No name. No chip.

Nothing but the milk crate
from whence the baby came.

- Who's that?
- Just a little tiny baby, that's who.

But that's...

I've got to go.

You moved the lockbox key.

Of course I did.
What are you even doing with that?

No, no.
You just have to tell me where it is.

- Nope, sorry babe.
- Okay. No, it's an emergency.

Trust me. I'm right on this.

Weird shit is happening. Okay?

- I'll be home soon.
- No, just listen to me. Please. Okay?

I saw Marvin. I saw the cat.

Hello?

Hello?

Miss? Did you hear what I said?

Miss? What can I get you?

I'm all right for now. Thank you.

You're not allowed to sit
unless you get something.

Did you hear what I said?

I'll just have a water, please. Thank you.

Water is not a drink.

Miss, you're not allowed to touch that.

- Is it you?
- Miss, you're gonna get me fired.

Peter? If it's you, can you
just tell me you're okay?

Please. This is killing me.

Hello?

Why are you doing this?

Whoever you are,
can you just say something? Please.

Tequila soda, please.

- Single or double?
- Both.

Elliot.

This is all my fault.

I should have never said anything about
that stupid DNA match. It wasn't him.

I shouldn't have put you down
like that earlier.

- I'm the fucking worst.
- But you were right.

It was all a load of crap.

And I let myself get my hopes up. Again.

Look what it's done to you.

You should let yourself get your hopes up.

I wish I still could.

It's like my brain won't let me
any more. It's so...

- It just hurts too much.
- I don't know what to do.

Having hope is just slowly
beating me to death, isn't it?

I feel like I'll die if I believe
he's gone, like, actually gone.

- I'll never find love like that again.
- Don't say that.

I thought, like, maybe with Will...
Maybe...

I don't know. Like, it could go there.
Eventually. I don't know.

He never even texted me.

Stupid, ugly loser.

You're not a stupid, ugly loser.

You are hot. And you are brilliant.

- I fucking love you.
- I love you.

And that guy is an idiot if he can't
see how much of a catch you are.

I thought I saw him today.

Peter.

And?

It was just a lesbian.

I can't believe how crushed I was
over that stupid DNA thing.

This stuff isn't healthy any more.

We've got to stop. I've got to stop.

- It's too much.
- Yes.

What?

- What? Something's on your mind.
- It's nothing.

Elliot.

It's just, something else happened today.

At Le BarkBark.

I don't know if the mark's wrong.

Elly, that's literally Marvin.

- Where's the cat?
- Well, there's lots of cats.

No, no, the cat that
was dropped here last night.

- The sphinx.
- That cat.

Well, the Heavenly Tails shelter
picked him up about an hour ago.

Fuck.

Shit. They're closed.

Okay. Let's check the CCTV footage.
See who brought him here.

No, you can't do that,
because Janelle's not back till tomorrow

and the recorders are in her office.

Well, you can tell Janelle
to lick my balls.

Come on. We've got to be quick.

That's it. The cat's in there.

- Is that him?
- Can't tell.

Wait, wait. Pause it.

Could that be Peter?

- How do you zoom in?
- I don't know. I don't know.

- I'm calling the police.
- What? No, no.

You don't have to do that, Elsie.
It's okay. We need to hurry up.

Is that a mask of your face?

That's literally
the ugliest picture of me.

Do you think we're being fucked with?

Elliot Byrd. The police are on their way.

- No, no, Jess.
- And, Elliot, you're fired.

What?

I've just got off the phone with Janelle
and she's furious.

No, no, no. Elsie, come back.
No, no, no, Elsie. Elsie.

We'll work it out. I promise.

What the fuck is going on?

Please.

Listen. I know it's the first date.
But I can tell.

Something really bad happened to you.

- Well, that makes me feel great.
- No, no, it's not a bad thing.

I have something like that too.

Who hurt you?

My ex-boyfriend/the love of my life,
he disappeared.

Five years ago.

Like one of those true crime things.
Just, like, completely gone.

Shit.

Yeah, he's presumed murdered, actually.

All he left behind was a puddle of blood
and a severed finger.

And a twin sister who's, like...

She's, like, my best friend/housemate,
which sounds toxic but isn't.

But they never found the body, though.
And his cat was gone.

So, like, part of me
just thinks he, like, ran away.

And he's, like,
living it up somewhere tropical.

It's a bit easier to swallow
than the alternative, isn't it?

Sorry. That was a lot.

Is that too much?

No. Of course not.

Jess.

Will? It's Elliot. I'm outside.

Let me take you somewhere else
after this. You'll love it.

So, you're really not gonna
tell me where we're going?

No. But I promise you'll like it.

A taxi would have been quicker.

- But I thought we'd take the scenic route.
- No, no, it's lovely.

Okay. It's just round the corner.

Shall we go inside?

Hang on. I need to do this.

Come on.

William?

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