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1
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:04,059
Wake up! Wake up!
Sergeant, wake that man up.
2
00:02:04,219 --> 00:02:06,380
Constable, liven that man up
with your truncheon.
3
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,578
Get his feet moving!
4
00:02:12,420 --> 00:02:15,499
Remember, you're
electricity man to the whole nation.
5
00:02:44,781 --> 00:02:47,020
Rubber? Rubber?
6
00:03:13,502 --> 00:03:14,542
Eh?
7
00:03:20,143 --> 00:03:22,741
Yes. Coming, coming, coming !
8
00:03:26,062 --> 00:03:29,342
Good evening. l mean that most sincerely.
9
00:03:30,183 --> 00:03:32,822
-l am the BBC, as you can see.
-Oh !
10
00:03:32,903 --> 00:03:34,704
And here was the last news.
11
00:03:41,663 --> 00:03:44,982
On this, the third,
or is it the fourth anniversary
12
00:03:45,063 --> 00:03:46,303
of the nuclear misunderstanding
13
00:03:46,384 --> 00:03:49,503
which led to the Third World War,
here is the. . .
14
00:03:51,103 --> 00:03:52,543
Oh, sod !
15
00:03:55,424 --> 00:03:56,624
. . .here is the. . .
16
00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:02,623
. . .of the Third World War,
here is the last recorded statement
17
00:04:02,705 --> 00:04:04,983
of the Prime Minister, as he then was,
18
00:04:05,024 --> 00:04:08,383
who had just
succeeded his illustrious father into office.
19
00:04:09,744 --> 00:04:12,384
"l feel l am not boasting
when l remind you that this was,
20
00:04:12,464 --> 00:04:16,223
"without a shadow of a doubt,
the very shortest war in living memory.
21
00:04:16,303 --> 00:04:20,144
"Two minutes, 28 seconds,
up to and including the grave process
22
00:04:20,225 --> 00:04:22,264
"of signing the peace treaty fully blotted.
23
00:04:22,945 --> 00:04:25,623
"The great task of burying our 40 million dead
24
00:04:25,664 --> 00:04:29,305
"was also carried out
with great expediency and good will.
25
00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:33,985
"You know this great
country of ours often sticks in the mud of past,
26
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:37,464
"searches out and holds up
to the light the mistakes of past times."
27
00:04:37,665 --> 00:04:40,865
That man ! Damn him ! Haig the Butcher.
28
00:04:41,626 --> 00:04:43,824
l shall tell the world. Look at that!
29
00:04:44,225 --> 00:04:47,104
Another chap butchered. Oh, the horror!
30
00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:49,585
Oh, the horror! l can't look!
31
00:04:50,146 --> 00:04:52,865
"We eat our hearts out
with the canker of racialism
32
00:04:52,987 --> 00:04:54,425
"and death east of Suez.
33
00:04:55,107 --> 00:04:59,345
"But l am forced to ask,
have we forgotten the bomb?"
34
00:05:00,986 --> 00:05:02,865
The Prime Minister had, as you all know,
35
00:05:02,945 --> 00:05:06,785
just returned from the 449th
Disarmament Conference
36
00:05:07,267 --> 00:05:11,425
and was greeted on
the steps of Number 10 by Mao Tse-tung.
37
00:05:12,387 --> 00:05:14,786
The Chairman has invited me kindly in.
38
00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:16,545
l can't say very much at the moment,
39
00:05:16,627 --> 00:05:19,986
but there will be some pretty hard
bargaining, you may be sure.
40
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:23,105
That's all.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, thank you.
41
00:05:24,948 --> 00:05:27,027
Ah, Lord Fortnum. BBC Television.
42
00:05:27,107 --> 00:05:28,866
Off the cuff, while we're
waiting for a statement,
43
00:05:28,988 --> 00:05:30,746
l like your hat, l do.
44
00:05:30,786 --> 00:05:32,387
Do you? Do you say that?
45
00:05:32,507 --> 00:05:35,267
l tell you, it's the latest early warning hat.
46
00:05:35,347 --> 00:05:37,428
lt gives you that extra four minutes in bed.
47
00:05:37,508 --> 00:05:40,386
l never wore a hat in bed, l've been
a Catholic person for a long time now,
48
00:05:40,468 --> 00:05:42,947
and l wouldn't know where to begin.
ls this your car, sir?
49
00:05:43,027 --> 00:05:45,027
lt is, l acquired it from Lord Snowdon.
50
00:05:45,148 --> 00:05:47,426
-Not the Lord Snowdon?
-No, a Lord Snowdon.
51
00:05:47,508 --> 00:05:50,387
Ah, yes, the woods are full of them.
Goodbye, sir.
52
00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:55,267
Said that very well, didn't he?
53
00:05:59,268 --> 00:06:01,348
The Prime Minister. . .
54
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:02,948
The Prime Minister is coming out.
55
00:06:05,348 --> 00:06:07,587
-Prime Minister, can you say. . .
-Yes, l can say.
56
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,627
l can say without any fear of contradiction,
57
00:06:09,668 --> 00:06:12,948
after some pretty tough bargaining, l can say,
58
00:06:13,028 --> 00:06:17,187
we have finally fixed the rent of Number 1 0
at an undisclosed figure
59
00:06:17,349 --> 00:06:21,508
of 1 00 yen pounds per week.
60
00:06:21,990 --> 00:06:25,349
This lease means peace in our time.
61
00:06:31,510 --> 00:06:33,949
That, l'm afraid, was the end of the news.
62
00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:37,509
Our next scheduled programme
will be on August Bank Holiday,
63
00:06:37,589 --> 00:06:40,788
when Charlton Heston will
wrestle His Holiness the Pope
64
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,710
for the Sportsman of the Year title.
65
00:06:43,551 --> 00:06:47,589
Until then, all walk backwards
into long shot while good night is given.
66
00:06:53,510 --> 00:06:56,870
# God save Mrs Ethel Shroake
67
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:59,909
# Long live Mrs Ethel Shroake
68
00:06:59,950 --> 00:07:02,269
# God save Mrs Ethel Shroake
69
00:07:02,310 --> 00:07:05,989
# Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone #
70
00:07:06,951 --> 00:07:08,190
Good night.
71
00:07:08,391 --> 00:07:10,310
Here! Here!
72
00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:13,149
Come out of that television set.
lt's our turn for the telly news.
73
00:07:13,190 --> 00:07:15,309
-Oh, is it?
-Are you the District Visiting Announcer?
74
00:07:15,432 --> 00:07:16,830
Yes, that's right. Have you any requests?
75
00:07:16,872 --> 00:07:18,470
Can you do the fall of Singapore?
76
00:07:18,511 --> 00:07:20,071
Oh, yes, certainly.
77
00:07:20,191 --> 00:07:23,150
Tonight, Japanese invasion forces
reached Singapore.
78
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:24,669
Oh, dear!
79
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,750
-Ah !
-l didn't quite catch the name.
80
00:07:26,792 --> 00:07:27,909
Are you a doctor, Doctor?
81
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:30,631
-l advertise.
-No boots. l don't wear them.
82
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,071
And l don't travel in them.
83
00:07:32,112 --> 00:07:33,989
Don't be sharp with me, young man.
84
00:07:34,112 --> 00:07:35,271
My card.
85
00:07:35,712 --> 00:07:37,352
"Kennington and District Steam Laundry."
86
00:07:37,392 --> 00:07:38,671
Oh, l am pleased to meet you.
87
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,192
Oh, no, that's not me.
l've let the space for advertising.
88
00:07:41,352 --> 00:07:43,751
l am other side, Lord Fortnum of Alamein,
89
00:07:43,793 --> 00:07:45,671
l acquired the title from a soldier person
90
00:07:45,712 --> 00:07:47,271
who found himself on hard times.
91
00:07:47,313 --> 00:07:48,911
With psychiatry or army surplus?
92
00:07:49,031 --> 00:07:50,431
l think he had to do with all of that.
93
00:07:50,472 --> 00:07:52,590
And table lamps were negotiable.
We all got one.
94
00:07:52,872 --> 00:07:54,312
l don't require surgery.
95
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,752
l shall decide that, Lord Fortnum.
96
00:07:57,472 --> 00:08:00,432
Now, do you want
it privately or on the National Health?
97
00:08:00,552 --> 00:08:01,632
-Yes.
-What?
98
00:08:01,673 --> 00:08:03,912
Yes, l want it privately,
on the National Health.
99
00:08:20,554 --> 00:08:22,593
Ah ! You're home early tonight, Father.
100
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:25,633
-The last bar on the Circle Line.
-Oh !
101
00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,273
l think l'll have a smoke.
102
00:08:27,393 --> 00:08:29,153
One of these days, you'll not come back.
103
00:08:29,194 --> 00:08:31,794
Be brought back
by the health visitor, smoking.
104
00:08:32,393 --> 00:08:33,674
You know, and yet you persist,
105
00:08:33,715 --> 00:08:36,513
you know that l don't approve
of you leaving the compartment.
106
00:08:36,554 --> 00:08:39,112
She doesn't get enough exercise
on the whole.
107
00:08:39,153 --> 00:08:42,032
After all, it's been. . . How long's it been?
108
00:08:43,114 --> 00:08:44,673
lt's been since. . . Dear?
109
00:08:44,715 --> 00:08:47,794
That, since the. . . Since, well. . .
110
00:08:48,553 --> 00:08:51,752
Still, we've managed very well.
111
00:08:54,994 --> 00:08:56,714
l expect it's the choccy bars.
112
00:08:58,115 --> 00:08:59,874
l like my women chubby built.
113
00:09:00,234 --> 00:09:02,754
l think she smokes
to try to keep her weight down.
114
00:09:03,314 --> 00:09:06,955
Oh, l wish there was more people
of her own age on the Circle Line
115
00:09:07,275 --> 00:09:09,034
she could perhaps smoke with.
116
00:09:09,155 --> 00:09:12,714
lt'll be a damn fast habit, Mother.
Oh, she's always at it.
117
00:09:13,674 --> 00:09:15,115
Ah, well. . .
118
00:09:42,755 --> 00:09:45,194
Now, look here,
there's a limit to what l'll do, you know.
119
00:09:45,317 --> 00:09:47,235
ls there?
Well, let's go as far as that, then, shall we?
120
00:09:47,275 --> 00:09:49,995
Yes. Huh ! Well, it's not unpleasant
121
00:09:50,117 --> 00:09:52,075
-when one gets used to it.
-Yes.
122
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:54,316
Well, you know,
123
00:09:54,956 --> 00:09:56,395
you've been a bit off colour.
124
00:09:56,557 --> 00:09:58,436
Yes, l have.
And what's more l'm not eating anything.
125
00:09:58,477 --> 00:10:00,156
-Why is that?
-Well, l can't get the stuff.
126
00:10:00,237 --> 00:10:02,317
Ah, but look, l had this mounted,
this very morning.
127
00:10:02,557 --> 00:10:03,835
Eighteen carat Hovis.
128
00:10:04,078 --> 00:10:05,676
Well, tell me about it, more.
129
00:10:05,756 --> 00:10:07,597
Well, things were going swimmingly
until that. . .
130
00:10:07,638 --> 00:10:10,517
Well, until they dropped the,
well now, you know. . .
131
00:10:10,638 --> 00:10:12,877
-Oh, the old. . .
-That's the fellow.
132
00:10:12,957 --> 00:10:14,316
Yes. Did the noise keep you awake?
133
00:10:14,357 --> 00:10:17,876
Oh, no, l slept through it all right.
Yes. ln fact, when l was in England, still abed,
134
00:10:17,997 --> 00:10:20,075
albeit in a club chair,
the Third World War took place.
135
00:10:21,438 --> 00:10:23,277
l didn't get a chance to join the regiment.
136
00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,277
Neither did l. l was standing by,
137
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,956
ready to face the enemy,
whoever they might be.
138
00:10:27,038 --> 00:10:29,076
-Mmm.
-And l couldn't find them.
139
00:10:29,198 --> 00:10:30,636
Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?
140
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:33,756
l haven't the least idea. l thought, Doctor,
141
00:10:33,839 --> 00:10:38,316
l thought you might give me breakfast
as a prescription against malnutrition.
142
00:10:38,398 --> 00:10:40,077
Ah, yes. Well. . .
143
00:10:40,478 --> 00:10:45,078
Take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.
144
00:10:45,198 --> 00:10:46,718
You can get it made up at any restaurant.
145
00:10:46,798 --> 00:10:48,238
Oh, good ! l'll have it made up in Boots.
146
00:10:48,318 --> 00:10:49,517
lt's more hygienic in bottles.
147
00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:52,757
Yes, yes, yes, but will it cure me, huh?
148
00:10:52,878 --> 00:10:55,119
My first impulse is to cut and run.
149
00:10:55,199 --> 00:10:57,998
Thankful, happy in the thought
it's no more than simple starvation,
150
00:10:58,039 --> 00:11:01,757
but Doctor, l, l. . . l feel it is more.
151
00:11:02,839 --> 00:11:05,359
Lord Fortnum,
we must have a thorough look at you.
152
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,479
Uh, yes.
153
00:11:06,519 --> 00:11:08,078
-Would you sit down again, please?
-Yes, yes, yes.
154
00:11:08,159 --> 00:11:10,078
lnside and out. Feet up, please.
155
00:11:11,999 --> 00:11:14,318
Oh, your skin is very white.
156
00:11:14,359 --> 00:11:15,597
My parents were white.
157
00:11:15,639 --> 00:11:19,800
Doctor, look. Since this thing dropped,
this, this rude thing, this, um. . .
158
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:25,879
That's the fellow.
l've had terrible morbid fears.
159
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,718
l think l may turn into a bed sitting room.
160
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:37,039
Ah ! Ah, that's probably atomic mutation.
161
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,840
-There's a lot of it about.
-What can l take for it?
162
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,200
-Three guineas?
-What?
163
00:11:41,241 --> 00:11:42,879
Take three guineas, for your rent?
164
00:11:42,961 --> 00:11:48,319
Rent! l don't want rent, l want to be cured,
l demand a second opinion.
165
00:11:48,399 --> 00:11:50,040
Yes, well, that is your privilege, of course.
166
00:11:50,161 --> 00:11:54,161
But l can tell you that
there's no evidence of dry rot or woodworm,
167
00:11:54,241 --> 00:11:58,078
but keep well wrapped up
and try and keep out of overdrafts.
168
00:12:04,601 --> 00:12:08,080
She gets later and later every night,
and sometimes morning.
169
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,001
Well, perhaps she's had more than one.
170
00:12:10,041 --> 00:12:12,080
She's had time for half a dozen, if you ask me.
171
00:12:13,842 --> 00:12:14,961
l'm going to get her.
172
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,040
Oh, Father, don't leave me at night.
173
00:12:17,122 --> 00:12:18,800
lt is bleedin' night, isn't it?
174
00:14:03,766 --> 00:14:05,205
God, what's this?
175
00:14:08,406 --> 00:14:09,965
A likely story!
176
00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:13,324
Those are not my daughter's little hairs.
177
00:14:14,566 --> 00:14:15,804
Out you come.
178
00:14:21,965 --> 00:14:23,646
There's a simple explanation, sir.
179
00:14:23,727 --> 00:14:26,006
Yes. And l'm going to give it to you.
180
00:14:31,886 --> 00:14:36,246
Ah ! What class of person are you?
l am top drawer, to put it mildly.
181
00:14:36,327 --> 00:14:41,285
You, l expect, are from the guttering.
But l don't believe it, about my turning,
182
00:14:41,367 --> 00:14:42,366
no.
183
00:14:56,408 --> 00:14:58,047
Well, what can l say?
184
00:14:58,128 --> 00:15:00,087
-Say?
-Say sorry.
185
00:15:00,449 --> 00:15:01,647
Sorry?
186
00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:03,967
Sorry.
187
00:15:04,048 --> 00:15:06,326
That's not nearly enough enough,
under the circumstances.
188
00:15:07,008 --> 00:15:10,327
Actually, sir, l'm a commuter chap.
You know, backwards and forwards.
189
00:15:10,407 --> 00:15:12,087
-That's nice.
-Forwards and backwards.
190
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:13,687
How dare you !
191
00:15:13,768 --> 00:15:16,727
-Does it get boring?
-How really dare you say such things?
192
00:15:17,688 --> 00:15:18,967
And do them !
193
00:15:19,688 --> 00:15:23,447
Well, l'd be interested in joining your party,
l'm sure you can use another pair of hands.
194
00:15:23,528 --> 00:15:25,446
You keep your filthy commuter hands
to yourself.
195
00:15:25,528 --> 00:15:27,768
Down the seams of your trousers,
where l can see them.
196
00:15:29,690 --> 00:15:31,368
She'll need a nurse.
197
00:15:32,049 --> 00:15:33,448
Mmm.
198
00:15:55,130 --> 00:15:59,169
Right. You can get dressed.
Uh, but what is it you want?
199
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,728
Want, want?
200
00:16:00,810 --> 00:16:03,650
Do you mean to say you've been looking
at me without regard to my condition?
201
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,409
You're not well enough
to have a condition, dear.
202
00:16:05,490 --> 00:16:06,529
Do you want a potty?
203
00:16:06,610 --> 00:16:08,969
l want no such thing. l want an opinion.
204
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,129
Well, in my opinion. . .
205
00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:14,969
ln my opinion, you need re-pointing.
206
00:16:15,051 --> 00:16:16,730
But that's only putting off the evil hour.
207
00:16:16,811 --> 00:16:21,769
What you really need, you see,
is a full-scale conversion to maisonette.
208
00:16:22,529 --> 00:16:24,130
-lt's true, then?
-Oh, l expect it is.
209
00:16:24,210 --> 00:16:27,330
Still, try not to worry, love. lt's a simple op.
210
00:16:28,130 --> 00:16:30,130
And the Council
will give you a grant for your bathroom.
211
00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:32,610
You don't realise, do you,
l don't want a bathroom.
212
00:16:32,690 --> 00:16:36,809
Now, if you want anything,
here we are, just ring for nurse.
213
00:16:45,410 --> 00:16:47,171
My God, l've dropped a brick!
214
00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:57,371
Come along, Mother.
215
00:16:57,452 --> 00:16:59,252
Must we go, Dad?
216
00:16:59,972 --> 00:17:01,652
l felt safe in there.
217
00:17:02,373 --> 00:17:04,571
Nothing to worry about.
218
00:17:14,852 --> 00:17:15,891
Where are we going?
219
00:17:15,972 --> 00:17:18,211
l say that. l'm the leader of the new world.
220
00:17:18,293 --> 00:17:20,012
Where we're going,
up is where we're going, young man.
221
00:17:20,093 --> 00:17:21,972
And don't you forget it.
222
00:17:24,772 --> 00:17:27,691
l say, sir, you can't do that.
That's public property.
223
00:17:27,772 --> 00:17:29,972
That's all right. l am a member of the public.
224
00:17:31,372 --> 00:17:32,812
Public member.
225
00:17:36,772 --> 00:17:39,931
At last! At last they've come to collect me.
226
00:17:43,853 --> 00:17:45,813
-How long have you been. . .?
-Three years.
227
00:17:45,893 --> 00:17:47,132
Three years?
228
00:17:47,213 --> 00:17:48,812
Collect me, collect me.
229
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:51,412
l've been here dead
since imminent warning red.
230
00:17:51,493 --> 00:17:53,414
l'm afraid there's far too much to pay.
231
00:17:53,494 --> 00:17:55,573
My friend will pay. lf you can find him.
232
00:17:55,654 --> 00:17:57,572
There are no friends left.
233
00:17:59,134 --> 00:18:00,773
Roger, is this your trunk?
234
00:18:01,133 --> 00:18:03,493
Me? My name's not Roger, it's Alan.
235
00:18:04,174 --> 00:18:05,734
Roger's name is not on the lid.
236
00:18:06,815 --> 00:18:08,454
lt'll cost you 25 shillings.
237
00:18:09,574 --> 00:18:11,334
Oh, l'm afraid l haven't any money, sir.
238
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,893
l shall lend you some.
239
00:18:17,895 --> 00:18:20,134
Take something useful.
240
00:18:23,015 --> 00:18:24,614
Help me on.
241
00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:31,693
Oh ! This is nice and warm.
242
00:18:35,974 --> 00:18:37,215
Oh, dear me!
243
00:18:37,656 --> 00:18:40,534
l'm afraid l'm three shillings short, sir,
l shall have to owe it to you.
244
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:54,534
Come along.
245
00:18:59,016 --> 00:19:00,495
What are you doing with that trunk?
246
00:19:00,576 --> 00:19:02,695
What? We've got to have luggage, girl.
247
00:19:02,777 --> 00:19:04,495
Can't be arrested as vagrants.
248
00:19:04,976 --> 00:19:06,015
Go on.
249
00:19:06,135 --> 00:19:08,214
You've got the tickets, dear.
250
00:19:25,617 --> 00:19:26,976
l hear a rumour, sir,
251
00:19:27,098 --> 00:19:29,537
the Pope's now
allowing contraceptives for all occasions.
252
00:19:30,496 --> 00:19:32,417
Except during sexual intercourse.
253
00:19:32,497 --> 00:19:33,696
You'd better get your hair cut.
254
00:19:34,898 --> 00:19:37,456
That's enough of that talk. Keep talk out of it!
255
00:19:55,257 --> 00:19:56,736
You all right?
256
00:20:35,459 --> 00:20:37,779
Look here, look here.
Can't you get more horsepower?
257
00:20:37,860 --> 00:20:41,819
Keep moving. Keep moving, sir.
You're safer on the move.
258
00:20:43,379 --> 00:20:44,539
What?
259
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:49,019
l shan't, l shall not
keep asking you to keep moving, sir.
260
00:20:49,060 --> 00:20:53,219
You will not? You'll do your duty, young man.
l wish to speak to your superior,
261
00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:56,100
l expect to turn
into a bed sitting room very shortly.
262
00:20:57,061 --> 00:20:59,139
l think you'd better speak to me, sir.
263
00:20:59,261 --> 00:21:01,980
ln which particular,
l shall be obliged to stop somewhere,
264
00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:03,140
preferably a street.
265
00:21:03,221 --> 00:21:04,260
You can't stop here, sir.
266
00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:05,660
Oh, well, where can l stop?
267
00:21:05,701 --> 00:21:07,778
You can't stop anywhere, sir,
as you very well know.
268
00:21:07,901 --> 00:21:09,540
We don't want to stay
in one place long enough
269
00:21:09,661 --> 00:21:12,060
for the enemy to have
another chance at us, do we, sir?
270
00:21:12,102 --> 00:21:14,499
Not until our pre-emptive strike is launched,
do we, sir?
271
00:21:14,981 --> 00:21:16,019
Do we, sir?
272
00:21:16,102 --> 00:21:19,059
Have we not struck back? Has England not?
273
00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:23,139
We should have struck back
three years ago, if not before.
274
00:21:23,263 --> 00:21:26,019
l expect we did, sir.
But these things take time.
275
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:29,860
You're not looking very well, sir.
Have you been to a good estate agent?
276
00:21:29,981 --> 00:21:31,940
Oh, my God ! Sorry, sir.
277
00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:36,421
Oh, yes. Absolutely refused to handle me,
until l'd turned into a bed sitting room.
278
00:21:36,542 --> 00:21:37,700
And you are not that?
279
00:21:37,781 --> 00:21:39,141
Not yet fully, damn you, man !
280
00:21:39,261 --> 00:21:41,621
Do l, do l. . . Do l look like a bed sitting room?
281
00:21:41,780 --> 00:21:43,300
lt's not for me to say, sir.
282
00:21:43,383 --> 00:21:45,061
But should you stop,
you're liable to be knocked down
283
00:21:45,183 --> 00:21:46,261
without the option.
284
00:21:46,342 --> 00:21:47,942
Well, l. . .
285
00:21:48,063 --> 00:21:50,502
l don't want to turn into a bed sitting room.
286
00:21:50,622 --> 00:21:52,260
l don't.
287
00:21:52,382 --> 00:21:55,062
You can't have a Lord
turning into that sort of thing.
288
00:21:55,142 --> 00:21:59,302
l mean, Longleat, Woburn Abbey,
a place where the takings are considerable,
289
00:21:59,422 --> 00:22:01,221
but a bedsitter!
290
00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:04,741
Three pounds ten a week. Never!
291
00:22:04,862 --> 00:22:06,342
Carry on, Sergeant.
292
00:22:06,423 --> 00:22:08,902
Excuse me.
293
00:22:15,303 --> 00:22:16,902
Do you hear the frog?
294
00:22:22,662 --> 00:22:23,782
Here's a turkey.
295
00:22:27,664 --> 00:22:30,023
ln every way,
l'm getting better and better.
296
00:22:30,064 --> 00:22:31,262
Every day, in every. . .
297
00:22:35,302 --> 00:22:37,222
-Hello, hello?
-Hello, hello. Have they dropped it yet?
298
00:22:37,263 --> 00:22:38,703
No. l've still got it in me hand.
299
00:22:38,824 --> 00:22:40,103
Hello, hello. Have they dropped it?
300
00:22:40,144 --> 00:22:41,544
-Hello, up there.
-lt's coming from. . .
301
00:22:41,584 --> 00:22:44,303
Hello, hello!
302
00:22:44,424 --> 00:22:46,382
You stupid. . .
303
00:22:46,505 --> 00:22:49,544
Hello. l can hear you down here.
Can you hear me up there?
304
00:22:50,224 --> 00:22:52,104
Every day, in every way,
l'm getting better and better.
305
00:22:52,225 --> 00:22:53,863
Every day and every. . .
306
00:23:05,185 --> 00:23:07,784
She's got big busts, hasn't she?
For a girl her age, hmm?
307
00:23:07,905 --> 00:23:09,384
-What?
-Yeah, what?
308
00:23:09,425 --> 00:23:11,785
That left bust, especially seems to,
309
00:23:11,826 --> 00:23:13,505
the nipple seems
to stand out more on that one.
310
00:23:13,545 --> 00:23:14,625
Yes.
311
00:23:14,665 --> 00:23:17,384
Mmm. Father's very observant.
He was in the Corps.
312
00:23:17,506 --> 00:23:19,344
l wish he wouldn't
talk about me in front of Alan.
313
00:23:19,464 --> 00:23:21,544
He doesn't want to know about my busts.
314
00:23:21,585 --> 00:23:22,705
No, l do, l do.
315
00:23:22,827 --> 00:23:24,625
Shall we stop here for tea?
316
00:23:24,745 --> 00:23:26,785
l hope all this family talk
isn't boring you, Alan?
317
00:23:26,826 --> 00:23:27,985
-No, not a bit of it.
-Good.
318
00:23:28,106 --> 00:23:31,625
Well, l expect you'd like a little dance now.
To relax you, the both of you.
319
00:23:46,866 --> 00:23:49,905
l'm glad it's all over. The, um. . .
320
00:23:51,108 --> 00:23:53,105
Do you know, Mother, so am l.
321
00:23:53,746 --> 00:23:55,306
Just like l was glad when l married you.
322
00:23:56,467 --> 00:23:57,667
Got it all over.
323
00:23:57,707 --> 00:24:01,666
lf l'd known the end was such a relief.
lf only l. . .
324
00:24:01,707 --> 00:24:04,145
l used to say,
"For Christ's sake, drop it," didn't l?
325
00:24:04,267 --> 00:24:06,307
Only when you were very tired.
326
00:24:10,067 --> 00:24:11,786
He's not a bad lad.
327
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:13,387
Now, there you are, what did l say?
328
00:24:13,428 --> 00:24:15,786
-Did you hear what l said, lad?
-He said you were not a bad lad.
329
00:24:15,827 --> 00:24:16,906
There!
330
00:24:16,947 --> 00:24:18,027
Oh, thank you.
331
00:24:18,147 --> 00:24:20,147
-One of the family now.
-There.
332
00:24:20,268 --> 00:24:22,826
l want you to treat me
just as if l was your father.
333
00:24:24,907 --> 00:24:26,666
l hated my father!
334
00:24:26,707 --> 00:24:28,907
No. Right. Ahhh !
335
00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,787
Well, haven't you got a favourite uncle
you were fond of, young Alan?
336
00:24:33,108 --> 00:24:34,227
Yes.
337
00:24:34,708 --> 00:24:36,587
Well, treat me like him, then.
338
00:24:40,068 --> 00:24:42,788
Uncle, can l have
sixpence for sweeties, please?
339
00:24:44,709 --> 00:24:45,828
Of course you may.
340
00:24:46,789 --> 00:24:48,587
What a good, polite boy you are!
341
00:24:54,389 --> 00:24:56,468
Radiation's rising.
342
00:24:57,028 --> 00:24:58,868
Still, one mustn't grumble too much.
343
00:25:03,310 --> 00:25:05,709
-Hello?
-Hello, have they dropped it yet?
344
00:25:05,829 --> 00:25:07,468
-Hey?
-Hello?
345
00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:09,548
-What?
-Have they dropped it yet, boy?
346
00:25:09,588 --> 00:25:11,388
-Where are you?
-ln by here.
347
00:25:12,469 --> 00:25:14,189
-Hmm?
-ln by here.
348
00:25:18,229 --> 00:25:21,268
l'm a regional seat of government.
Come in by here, quick.
349
00:25:21,388 --> 00:25:23,349
l'll soon have you seated and governed.
350
00:25:25,111 --> 00:25:27,070
Fancy seeing you down here.
351
00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:28,908
-Who are you?
-First of all,
352
00:25:29,630 --> 00:25:30,909
have they dropped it yet, indeed?
353
00:25:30,989 --> 00:25:32,029
Have they dropped what?
354
00:25:32,110 --> 00:25:36,629
You know, the. . . You're bound to know.
You're up there, weren't you?
355
00:25:40,110 --> 00:25:43,790
Still, towards the end
it got all mixed up with the blackies and LBJ.
356
00:25:43,870 --> 00:25:47,149
There's a fellow for you, LBJ.
l was proud to regionally serve him.
357
00:25:47,190 --> 00:25:50,390
Have they?
No, don't tell me, let me guess.
358
00:25:51,511 --> 00:25:53,269
Harrods laid all this on, you know. Harrods!
359
00:25:53,390 --> 00:25:55,350
-They're very good at that.
-Yes.
360
00:25:55,631 --> 00:25:58,230
l expect l talk too much. Don't listen.
l don't listen.
361
00:25:58,591 --> 00:26:00,590
Thank God l've kept my head,
when all about are. . .
362
00:26:01,711 --> 00:26:02,910
Have they?
363
00:26:03,992 --> 00:26:05,310
Some good people have gone, you know.
364
00:26:05,390 --> 00:26:07,231
-Oh, yes.
-l shot two myself.
365
00:26:07,311 --> 00:26:11,071
l had to. They came at me. They tried to get in
with the man from Harrods.
366
00:26:11,151 --> 00:26:12,950
ln gas masks, they were, trying to get in.
367
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:15,830
So l shot them. l said,
"Take those gas masks off your face," l said.
368
00:26:15,950 --> 00:26:18,351
l had to. They might have been some
of my directors, you see.
369
00:26:18,431 --> 00:26:19,550
Who? Who did you shoot?
370
00:26:19,633 --> 00:26:21,392
My mother and my wife. Shot them dead.
371
00:26:21,432 --> 00:26:23,311
-Oh.
-Of course, l married again.
372
00:26:24,591 --> 00:26:25,792
Don't mind me, l talk too much.
373
00:26:26,991 --> 00:26:28,751
-Doris. Doris.
-Hmm?
374
00:26:29,111 --> 00:26:31,351
l'm very much in love.
Of course, it led to marriage.
375
00:26:31,472 --> 00:26:33,312
She doesn't seem to mind.
376
00:26:34,033 --> 00:26:35,191
Are you hungry?
377
00:26:35,312 --> 00:26:36,991
-No.
-That's a damn lie!
378
00:26:37,553 --> 00:26:39,511
Don't you shout at me,
l'm a medical practitioner.
379
00:26:39,832 --> 00:26:41,792
Hey!
380
00:26:42,353 --> 00:26:44,312
l have the proof. The terrible proof.
381
00:26:44,433 --> 00:26:45,591
There!
382
00:26:45,712 --> 00:26:48,271
Fresh evidence has
come to life as to who is responsible.
383
00:26:48,832 --> 00:26:50,271
Will you have a bite with us?
384
00:26:50,352 --> 00:26:52,912
l will, l will, l will. ln that order.
385
00:27:01,273 --> 00:27:02,592
Mmm.
386
00:27:02,674 --> 00:27:03,672
Where are we?
387
00:27:03,794 --> 00:27:05,432
Are you all forgotten?
388
00:27:05,555 --> 00:27:06,552
Paddington.
389
00:27:08,154 --> 00:27:09,872
Don't you know your London?
390
00:27:12,434 --> 00:27:13,433
Shall l carve?
391
00:27:31,233 --> 00:27:32,752
lt's family life that's important.
392
00:27:33,555 --> 00:27:35,233
Do you have a family, young man?
393
00:27:35,316 --> 00:27:37,915
No. My big brother did.
394
00:27:38,035 --> 00:27:39,833
Didn't you have a Daddy and a Mummy, then?
395
00:27:39,955 --> 00:27:41,234
No. My brother had them.
396
00:27:42,234 --> 00:27:45,233
That's a bit unfair.
You could've had one each.
397
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:54,754
l'm sorry to have to rest, Dad,
but my legs feel like lumps of wood.
398
00:28:31,316 --> 00:28:33,755
Well, thank goodness
l caught you on your rounds, Doctor.
399
00:28:33,837 --> 00:28:35,555
What are you going to do for me? What?
400
00:28:41,277 --> 00:28:42,397
Mmm.
401
00:28:43,677 --> 00:28:45,997
Take, um,
402
00:28:46,637 --> 00:28:49,475
six of these pills. One every half mile.
403
00:28:49,876 --> 00:28:52,558
Oh, but l can't do that, l only live a mile away.
404
00:28:52,638 --> 00:28:54,157
This is Hyde Park, isn't it?
405
00:28:54,237 --> 00:28:56,356
Yes. Well, then you'll
have to move further out, l'm afraid.
406
00:28:56,437 --> 00:28:59,476
No. l'll tell you what,
l'll take the long road home.
407
00:28:59,556 --> 00:29:01,276
That's the ticket. Splendid !
408
00:29:01,636 --> 00:29:03,197
l don't know what to say to you, Doctor.
409
00:29:03,278 --> 00:29:04,797
Say, "Doctor, how much will that be?"
410
00:29:04,878 --> 00:29:06,397
Doctor, how much will that be?
411
00:29:06,478 --> 00:29:07,676
That'll be 1 8 post-war guineas,
412
00:29:07,758 --> 00:29:09,596
marked down to three and six
in the last bargain budget.
413
00:29:16,078 --> 00:29:17,757
Oi, here!
414
00:29:17,838 --> 00:29:19,477
Will you excuse me?
415
00:29:22,558 --> 00:29:25,117
Are you Captain Bules Martin?
416
00:29:25,199 --> 00:29:26,357
Yes.
417
00:29:27,039 --> 00:29:29,597
Just sign there, sir, on that line. Here we are.
418
00:29:30,398 --> 00:29:31,438
Thank you.
419
00:29:31,518 --> 00:29:34,437
-Ah ! Luncheon.
-Ah, would you care to join me?
420
00:29:34,519 --> 00:29:36,037
Yes, certainly, certainly.
421
00:29:38,119 --> 00:29:39,998
lf this is Regent's Park, then. . .
422
00:29:41,159 --> 00:29:42,838
Marble Arch must lie to the south.
423
00:29:43,919 --> 00:29:45,397
Dad !
424
00:29:51,999 --> 00:29:54,718
What l have here, sir,
is your wife's death certificate.
425
00:29:54,799 --> 00:29:56,879
-Oh, thank you.
-Oh, dear!
426
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:01,919
There! Well, it was a lovely way to go.
427
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:03,519
But Mummy's alive!
428
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:05,238
l'm afraid not, dear.
429
00:30:08,079 --> 00:30:10,079
lt makes me feel all funny to read it.
430
00:30:11,319 --> 00:30:12,360
No!
431
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:13,920
No! Tell them no, Alan.
432
00:30:14,001 --> 00:30:15,318
-No!
-Pull yourself together!
433
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:17,039
l am together. We are!
434
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,000
l want you to call me Arthur
and come to me for every little plaster.
435
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,640
But Mum's alive!
436
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,680
Well, l thought l was, dear.
By rights, l should be,
437
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,600
but how can you tell if
it's here in black and white?
438
00:30:27,681 --> 00:30:29,159
Give it to me.
439
00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,201
l shouldn't, should l, Dad?
lt'll only upset her to read it.
440
00:30:33,161 --> 00:30:37,280
Give it to me, dear.
l'll put it somewhere safe with all the others.
441
00:30:38,201 --> 00:30:39,719
With the health cards.
442
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:42,600
Look, Mrs Frereton,
there is nothing wrong with you.
443
00:30:42,683 --> 00:30:44,920
Now then, you're a nice, kind boy.
444
00:30:45,001 --> 00:30:47,800
lt's your wife being alive that seems to be
all the trouble, sir.
445
00:30:49,122 --> 00:30:50,280
-l'm sorry.
-Ah.
446
00:30:50,362 --> 00:30:52,440
Oh, l'm sorry,
we don't want to cause any trouble.
447
00:30:52,521 --> 00:30:53,801
Oh, now listen, Mum. . .
448
00:30:53,882 --> 00:30:54,961
Penny!
449
00:30:55,041 --> 00:30:56,241
Don't argue with the nurse, dear.
450
00:30:56,322 --> 00:30:59,001
She's bound to know best, what's best for us.
451
00:31:00,322 --> 00:31:02,441
Do l lie down or anything?
452
00:31:03,561 --> 00:31:05,722
The way, the way
l'd like you to look at it is this.
453
00:31:06,403 --> 00:31:10,441
You may have lost a wife, sir,
but you've gained a certificate.
454
00:31:10,522 --> 00:31:13,801
l expect you've got the set now,
if you haven't been careless with them.
455
00:31:14,082 --> 00:31:16,321
l do hope we haven't been careless
with our papers,
456
00:31:16,403 --> 00:31:17,922
birth, marriage, death. . .
457
00:31:18,003 --> 00:31:19,401
-And school.
-Ah !
458
00:31:19,842 --> 00:31:21,481
Mum got her school.
459
00:31:23,722 --> 00:31:27,401
Father, can you let me see them all
before you send them off?
460
00:31:28,283 --> 00:31:32,123
l would just like to, to hold them all together,
461
00:31:32,203 --> 00:31:33,762
look through them.
462
00:31:41,323 --> 00:31:42,603
Not much, is it?
463
00:31:43,683 --> 00:31:45,162
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
464
00:31:45,484 --> 00:31:49,483
And we've all been so much
happier since that. . .
465
00:31:54,124 --> 00:31:57,442
Oh, well, at least l can still keep cheerful.
466
00:31:58,444 --> 00:31:59,923
That's the style, Mum.
467
00:32:00,804 --> 00:32:02,603
That's the hammer.
468
00:32:03,725 --> 00:32:05,644
Forward.
469
00:32:14,125 --> 00:32:15,244
Hello!
470
00:32:16,244 --> 00:32:18,043
My dear God, gas metres!
471
00:32:18,484 --> 00:32:23,205
l can hear them shilling in the slot.
Gas metres on a lord's legs.
472
00:32:24,124 --> 00:32:27,964
Belgravia! l must find Belgravia before l turn.
473
00:32:28,324 --> 00:32:31,883
For all l know,
l may even now be in the provinces.
474
00:32:31,964 --> 00:32:37,644
Will someone kindly set me on the right road
to Belgravia? A guide! A guide!
475
00:32:38,365 --> 00:32:41,964
My freehold for a guide!
476
00:32:43,966 --> 00:32:47,365
Ah, what a lovely evening.
Splendid meal.
477
00:32:47,606 --> 00:32:49,525
Yes,
care for an after-dinner drink?
478
00:32:49,605 --> 00:32:51,405
Well, thank you very much, yes.
479
00:33:02,606 --> 00:33:04,205
No. Here, let me have a try.
480
00:33:14,046 --> 00:33:15,125
Cheers!
481
00:33:18,447 --> 00:33:19,886
What were you doing before this, then?
482
00:33:19,967 --> 00:33:22,246
l was in the army, actually. l'm a Captain.
483
00:33:22,328 --> 00:33:24,366
Oh, l say! What regiment?
484
00:33:24,447 --> 00:33:26,686
Oh, we didn't know,
due to the Official Secrets Act.
485
00:33:26,767 --> 00:33:31,287
But from what l can make of my cap badge,
it was the Household Cavalry.
486
00:33:31,368 --> 00:33:32,686
Did you have to be a householder?
487
00:33:32,767 --> 00:33:36,007
Oh, good lord, no, no!
No. lt did help for a commission.
488
00:33:36,087 --> 00:33:37,166
No, the household that we're referring to
489
00:33:37,247 --> 00:33:39,607
is the Buckingham Palace household.
We did all the cavalry for them.
490
00:33:39,688 --> 00:33:42,407
Did you? They're splendid !
491
00:33:42,489 --> 00:33:45,447
All destroyed,
of course, when they dropped the. . .
492
00:33:45,926 --> 00:33:46,967
Oh !
493
00:33:47,048 --> 00:33:48,726
# God save our gracious Queen
494
00:33:48,806 --> 00:33:50,527
# Long live our noble Queen
495
00:33:50,608 --> 00:33:52,127
# God save our Queen. . . #
496
00:33:52,209 --> 00:33:55,088
No, no, no! We don't sing that any longer.
497
00:33:55,168 --> 00:33:56,526
-You don't?
-No, we sing now that
498
00:33:56,608 --> 00:34:00,207
God should save Mrs Ethel Shroake
of 393A High Street, Leytonstone.
499
00:34:00,288 --> 00:34:01,327
Oh.
500
00:34:01,409 --> 00:34:04,047
Of the twenty people
who are known to be left alive in England,
501
00:34:04,129 --> 00:34:05,768
she stands next in line
to the throne, you know.
502
00:34:06,968 --> 00:34:08,607
-Mmm.
-l say!
503
00:34:08,688 --> 00:34:12,528
You're lucky to be still connected, huh?
Bit of luck to have the phone.
504
00:34:12,609 --> 00:34:16,647
l've only got the bells, boy.
Drive me mad, they do, they drive me mad !
505
00:34:16,728 --> 00:34:17,768
Aye.
506
00:34:17,849 --> 00:34:19,888
Hey, is that the authorities?
507
00:34:19,968 --> 00:34:22,047
Hey! Hey! Keep moving !
508
00:34:22,127 --> 00:34:24,688
No building whatever! Keep moving !
509
00:34:25,209 --> 00:34:26,768
No building whatever!
Keep moving ! Keep moving !
510
00:34:26,849 --> 00:34:28,728
l have the proof! l have the proof!
511
00:34:29,209 --> 00:34:31,448
Look! The proof of germ warfare, boy.
512
00:34:33,049 --> 00:34:35,728
They dip the weapons in germs, you see.
They dip the weapons in the germs.
513
00:34:35,809 --> 00:34:37,169
And then if they survive the, you know. . .
514
00:34:37,249 --> 00:34:40,529
lf you survive that, you see,
you go down with the measles.
515
00:34:41,690 --> 00:34:43,528
Uh, excuse me, madam.
516
00:34:43,609 --> 00:34:46,090
Uh, which one
of you ordered a business telephone?
517
00:34:46,170 --> 00:34:47,169
-Both of me.
-Huh?
518
00:34:47,249 --> 00:34:50,289
At last, at last, l shall convince the world
with my documentary voice!
519
00:34:50,370 --> 00:34:51,449
No, this is a. . .
520
00:34:51,529 --> 00:34:53,809
Hello, folks of world !
Hello, hello, folks of world !
521
00:34:53,890 --> 00:34:55,930
This is a. . . lt's only a demonstration model.
522
00:34:56,010 --> 00:34:57,810
But this is the type you'll be getting, madam.
523
00:34:57,891 --> 00:34:59,729
Just let me have the borrowing of it,
will you, please?
524
00:34:59,810 --> 00:35:01,289
-The bells are driving me mad, you see.
-Don't worry, sir.
525
00:35:01,370 --> 00:35:03,130
Don't worry.
As soon as the telephone's installed,
526
00:35:03,211 --> 00:35:04,409
we rip the bells out.
527
00:35:04,490 --> 00:35:05,970
Let me have it! Let me have it!
528
00:35:06,050 --> 00:35:07,130
Madam !
529
00:35:07,211 --> 00:35:08,689
Hello, hello, hello!
530
00:35:10,812 --> 00:35:12,170
lt's for you.
531
00:35:12,250 --> 00:35:13,330
Oh.
532
00:35:14,011 --> 00:35:16,530
-Hello?
-Colour? l'll show you in bloody colour.
533
00:35:16,610 --> 00:35:18,769
-What's he talking about, chum?
-Colour!
534
00:35:18,851 --> 00:35:21,930
The dirty. . .sod ! That's naughty.
535
00:35:22,011 --> 00:35:23,971
Bules Martin, Captain and Doctor.
536
00:35:25,412 --> 00:35:26,889
Oh, just a moment!
537
00:35:30,532 --> 00:35:34,091
Hello, darling.
What are you doing this evening?
538
00:35:35,251 --> 00:35:36,970
Oh, are you?
539
00:35:38,131 --> 00:35:40,092
Well, let me have a photograph of it,
won't you?
540
00:35:41,573 --> 00:35:43,251
Oh, give him my regards.
541
00:35:43,693 --> 00:35:45,891
Yes. Bye-bye, Gregory.
542
00:35:46,371 --> 00:35:49,411
Ah, Gregory, have you seen my Nigel?
543
00:35:54,052 --> 00:35:58,171
Oh, it's getting late. Time for my humiliation.
544
00:35:58,253 --> 00:36:00,411
Now, what have l done
with my defeat of England medal?
545
00:36:02,693 --> 00:36:05,972
Your Majesty, l'm sorry that l failed you.
546
00:36:06,053 --> 00:36:08,691
l tried to catch the thing
before it hit the Palace,
547
00:36:08,773 --> 00:36:10,452
but one of your corgis bit me.
548
00:36:14,813 --> 00:36:16,251
Come on, Sergeant, put your back into it.
549
00:36:16,333 --> 00:36:17,532
l've got my back into it, sir.
550
00:36:17,653 --> 00:36:19,252
Put your front into it, then!
551
00:36:19,333 --> 00:36:20,532
Put your front into it, Constable.
552
00:36:20,614 --> 00:36:22,892
Come on now, sir, keep moving.
553
00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:25,813
Hurry up! Don't stand there and watch us.
554
00:36:25,893 --> 00:36:29,933
We'II be moving, aII right. Come on, Iady.
She who hesitates is Iost.
555
00:36:44,653 --> 00:36:46,613
My first wife died, you know.
556
00:36:46,693 --> 00:36:48,653
l'm sorry to hear that.
557
00:36:48,735 --> 00:36:50,533
l got my certificate the other day.
558
00:36:52,654 --> 00:36:55,053
You don't want an old woman like me.
559
00:37:06,294 --> 00:37:07,975
You remind me of my first wife.
560
00:37:08,056 --> 00:37:10,454
That's funny. You see,
l never met her, you see.
561
00:37:11,374 --> 00:37:14,454
Will you do for me what my first wife did?
562
00:37:14,535 --> 00:37:17,334
Doris tries, but she can't coordinate, you see.
563
00:37:18,496 --> 00:37:19,894
Will you do it for me?
564
00:37:19,975 --> 00:37:25,374
Well, so long as we get it over quickly,
before Daddy misses me.
565
00:37:33,176 --> 00:37:34,775
Now, no, no, no!
566
00:37:34,855 --> 00:37:37,374
See reason, Mildred !
Mildred, you're worse than your mother!
567
00:37:37,417 --> 00:37:40,455
l didn't, Mildred, l haven't!
She's a common or garden secretary!
568
00:37:40,576 --> 00:37:42,535
Mildred, please! l love you !
569
00:37:42,616 --> 00:37:44,615
She means nothing to me at all ! Mildred !
570
00:37:44,736 --> 00:37:47,136
l was kept late at the office.
Mildred, l love you !
571
00:37:47,176 --> 00:37:49,175
Mildred, please, no! The people next door!
572
00:37:49,256 --> 00:37:51,295
Mildred, please! Mildred, no! Mildred !
573
00:37:51,337 --> 00:37:53,216
Mildred ! Mildred, Mildred !
574
00:37:53,336 --> 00:37:54,496
Oh ! Oh !
575
00:37:57,697 --> 00:38:00,936
Get out, you slut! Get out and leave me alone!
576
00:38:03,578 --> 00:38:05,737
That was my best dinner service.
577
00:38:12,217 --> 00:38:14,657
Hello! Hello!
578
00:38:17,017 --> 00:38:18,697
Doctor!
579
00:38:18,778 --> 00:38:20,096
Hello!
580
00:38:36,578 --> 00:38:37,898
Call the roll, Alan.
581
00:38:40,258 --> 00:38:41,897
-Father figure!
-Present.
582
00:38:42,019 --> 00:38:44,457
-Penelope, the well-known fiancée!
-Here.
583
00:38:44,618 --> 00:38:46,176
Alan ! Here!
584
00:38:46,218 --> 00:38:47,778
Mother!
585
00:38:48,299 --> 00:38:49,737
Mummy?
586
00:38:49,857 --> 00:38:51,817
We're all here except one, Mother.
587
00:38:51,939 --> 00:38:53,897
That's all we ever had, one Mother.
588
00:38:53,979 --> 00:38:55,097
Mummy!
589
00:38:55,179 --> 00:38:56,378
All right.
590
00:38:57,419 --> 00:38:59,457
Now, when l say wave, l want you all to wave.
591
00:38:59,819 --> 00:39:00,938
Wave!
592
00:39:01,060 --> 00:39:02,698
-Hello.
-Hello, young Alan.
593
00:39:03,739 --> 00:39:05,658
-Hello, Penelope.
-Hello.
594
00:39:07,418 --> 00:39:08,579
Mummy!
595
00:39:08,621 --> 00:39:10,458
All right. That's enough.
596
00:39:10,539 --> 00:39:11,899
Mummy!
597
00:39:12,300 --> 00:39:13,819
l demand an explanation.
598
00:39:15,619 --> 00:39:18,177
Oh ! Much worse than l thought.
599
00:39:18,619 --> 00:39:20,420
Oh ! Mother!
600
00:39:21,699 --> 00:39:24,099
Don't worry, Mother, we'll look after you.
601
00:39:47,420 --> 00:39:50,660
One more stop, madam,
and l shall be forced to endorse your licence.
602
00:39:51,340 --> 00:39:54,340
You wouldn't want us to
use our special powers, would you, madam?
603
00:39:54,781 --> 00:39:58,220
l can't move. My legs are stiff.
604
00:40:27,143 --> 00:40:28,621
-Hello?
-It is I.
605
00:40:29,263 --> 00:40:31,021
-Who?
-Lord Fortnum. l've changed.
606
00:40:31,102 --> 00:40:33,101
Lord Fortnum ! And you've changed?
607
00:40:33,223 --> 00:40:34,301
Yes, l have.
608
00:40:34,381 --> 00:40:37,262
Well, keep moving, and where are you?
609
00:40:37,703 --> 00:40:39,581
l'm number 29 Cul de Sac Place.
610
00:40:39,663 --> 00:40:42,501
Hurry, for God's sake,
and bring me some furniture, l'm freezing.
611
00:40:42,544 --> 00:40:44,781
l shall come at once.
Try not to look conspicuous,
612
00:40:44,902 --> 00:40:46,541
or you'll be knocked down without the option.
613
00:40:53,422 --> 00:40:56,302
Oh ! Oh, you black fiend !
614
00:40:56,423 --> 00:40:59,303
Get your hand out of my drawers!
l'm a mother!
615
00:40:59,583 --> 00:41:06,662
Mummy!
616
00:41:07,142 --> 00:41:11,983
Penny!
617
00:41:28,064 --> 00:41:29,544
l'm over here.
618
00:41:29,823 --> 00:41:33,423
So you are.
l'd recognise you anywhere, My Lord.
619
00:41:33,985 --> 00:41:35,823
l must say it suits you.
620
00:41:42,985 --> 00:41:45,024
Please don't do that, l'm not well.
621
00:41:45,984 --> 00:41:48,584
lt's me. Captain Bules Martin.
622
00:41:49,705 --> 00:41:51,424
And l'm your doctor.
623
00:41:53,746 --> 00:41:56,104
Come in, Doctor.
Did you bring some furniture?
624
00:41:59,825 --> 00:42:01,264
l say!
625
00:42:03,945 --> 00:42:05,105
ls this you?
626
00:42:05,226 --> 00:42:07,945
Yes, tell me the worst. Where am l?
627
00:42:07,986 --> 00:42:11,464
Yeah, you're number 29 Cul de Sac Place.
628
00:42:11,505 --> 00:42:13,904
Yes, l know that, but what borough?
629
00:42:14,026 --> 00:42:15,345
Ah, that's pretty bad news, l'm afraid.
630
00:42:15,467 --> 00:42:17,066
-lt's Paddington.
-Quick, put a card.
631
00:42:17,106 --> 00:42:18,185
Put a card in the window.
632
00:42:18,226 --> 00:42:21,105
No coloureds, no children
and definitely no coloured children.
633
00:42:21,226 --> 00:42:22,225
Don't worry.
634
00:42:22,346 --> 00:42:23,344
Doctor Bules Martin looks like
he's come to stay.
635
00:42:23,466 --> 00:42:25,585
You're still under your doctor.
636
00:42:25,626 --> 00:42:28,586
lf everyone thought like you,
this world would be a much happier place.
637
00:42:34,066 --> 00:42:35,306
Breathe in.
638
00:42:35,346 --> 00:42:37,586
ln. . .
639
00:42:40,747 --> 00:42:43,346
-Out.
- Out!
640
00:42:44,106 --> 00:42:45,465
Yes.
641
00:42:47,986 --> 00:42:49,106
How's your water?
642
00:42:49,227 --> 00:42:50,746
lt hasn't run properly for years.
643
00:42:50,867 --> 00:42:52,745
Oh well, we'll soon fix that.
Have you got a washer somewhere?
644
00:42:55,187 --> 00:42:58,066
One, two, three, 1 2. . .
645
00:43:01,628 --> 00:43:03,948
-Cough.
646
00:43:07,988 --> 00:43:10,587
-You married?
-No, not at the moment.
647
00:43:11,468 --> 00:43:14,227
Well, l'd advise against it. Against it.
648
00:43:17,588 --> 00:43:19,027
Listen.
649
00:43:19,828 --> 00:43:21,267
Harken.
650
00:43:27,829 --> 00:43:31,507
Survivors of the Third Gurkhas, quick march !
651
00:43:37,588 --> 00:43:39,667
lt's the Burma reunion.
652
00:43:40,829 --> 00:43:42,428
And hot dinner.
653
00:43:43,310 --> 00:43:45,268
The Cavalry cometh !
654
00:43:48,629 --> 00:43:50,108
l must find the Albert Hall.
655
00:43:51,989 --> 00:43:53,548
l shall be out till dawn.
656
00:43:54,029 --> 00:43:56,429
No, don't wait up. And don't take any rent.
657
00:43:58,110 --> 00:44:00,629
That's got rid of him.
Come on, Abdul, let's get the furniture in.
658
00:44:19,030 --> 00:44:20,470
Mummy!
659
00:44:26,870 --> 00:44:28,469
Thank you, my dear.
660
00:44:28,510 --> 00:44:32,790
As you chaps know,
electricity is the life blood of civilisation.
661
00:44:33,471 --> 00:44:37,269
Without electricity,
civilisation as we know it could not survive.
662
00:44:37,912 --> 00:44:42,350
So l intend, with God's help,
to go on pedalling this bicycle
663
00:44:42,392 --> 00:44:45,389
until we've hit this desolation for six
664
00:44:45,431 --> 00:44:49,271
and won God's
just victory over the forces of evil.
665
00:44:53,392 --> 00:44:54,710
Hmm? Hmm?
666
00:45:00,312 --> 00:45:07,391
Mummy!
667
00:45:08,192 --> 00:45:09,872
l'll look up here.
668
00:45:12,473 --> 00:45:13,912
No. . .
669
00:45:29,433 --> 00:45:32,152
Oi, you watching?
670
00:45:32,193 --> 00:45:33,752
Oh, please come down !
671
00:45:33,874 --> 00:45:35,033
Okay, coming.
672
00:45:35,153 --> 00:45:36,312
Oh !
673
00:45:44,314 --> 00:45:46,392
l like it! l like it!
674
00:45:46,434 --> 00:45:49,153
More! More! Oh !
675
00:45:51,513 --> 00:45:53,232
What are you doing with that? lt's not raining.
676
00:45:54,393 --> 00:45:55,513
Come on.
677
00:46:01,434 --> 00:46:02,593
Oh.
678
00:46:03,074 --> 00:46:07,233
# Roll me over in the clover
679
00:46:09,154 --> 00:46:10,713
# Do it again #
680
00:46:12,315 --> 00:46:15,193
# Roll me over. . . #
681
00:46:17,074 --> 00:46:20,273
# On the road to Mandalay #
682
00:46:28,194 --> 00:46:30,595
Who's there?
Oh, for pity's sake!
683
00:46:30,715 --> 00:46:32,434
No coloureds, damn you !
684
00:46:32,475 --> 00:46:35,514
Have you
not yet finished with my poor bruised body?
685
00:46:35,635 --> 00:46:37,154
Are you
that black man's woman?
686
00:46:37,274 --> 00:46:39,354
That's hardly likely,
in my condition.
687
00:46:39,435 --> 00:46:40,795
And what is
your condition?
688
00:46:40,875 --> 00:46:43,994
l'm a cupboard.
Will nobody close my doors?
689
00:46:44,475 --> 00:46:47,994
l'm Lord Fortnum of Alamein. Who are you?
690
00:46:48,876 --> 00:46:50,594
l'm Mrs Frereton.
691
00:46:51,036 --> 00:46:53,434
Well, madam,
in view of the ghastly circumstances
692
00:46:53,515 --> 00:46:54,875
in which we both find ourselves,
693
00:46:54,916 --> 00:46:58,395
l suggest we speak
only when spoken to and hold our tongues.
694
00:46:58,476 --> 00:47:00,075
Very well, if you think so.
695
00:47:01,996 --> 00:47:06,916
Mummy!
696
00:47:08,476 --> 00:47:11,356
Mummy! Mummy!
697
00:47:13,117 --> 00:47:14,716
Mummy!
698
00:47:23,236 --> 00:47:27,356
Oh, let's sleep here for a bit.
We can look again when it's light, love.
699
00:47:51,838 --> 00:47:53,277
l will say this for him,
700
00:47:54,597 --> 00:47:56,196
l can't really say anything for him,
701
00:47:56,958 --> 00:47:59,517
except he is like a sheet of white paper.
702
00:48:01,118 --> 00:48:03,878
l haven't seen a sheet of white paper for years
l could draw a face on.
703
00:48:06,079 --> 00:48:07,838
His poor suit!
704
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,237
Crumple-fashion little stitches on the edges.
705
00:48:11,678 --> 00:48:13,317
And l'll say this for him,
706
00:48:13,439 --> 00:48:15,597
trendy boy.
707
00:48:15,678 --> 00:48:17,277
You can say his lapels are crumpled
708
00:48:17,318 --> 00:48:19,838
and he has got a nose
where noses used to be.
709
00:48:21,279 --> 00:48:22,918
And l'll say this for him.
710
00:48:23,679 --> 00:48:25,478
He's always here.
711
00:48:25,799 --> 00:48:27,558
Wherever his feet are, he is.
712
00:48:29,038 --> 00:48:32,159
Toes are bent upwards, but he's straight,
713
00:48:33,641 --> 00:48:34,879
flat.
714
00:48:36,520 --> 00:48:38,238
Stupid as the sun.
715
00:48:40,159 --> 00:48:41,760
l will say this for him.
716
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:44,799
And he has got twirly hair.
717
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:49,119
But you do get the whole of him,
718
00:48:50,159 --> 00:48:52,879
now, to stroke.
719
00:48:56,001 --> 00:48:57,439
There's nobody else.
720
00:49:11,081 --> 00:49:21,440
# Roll me over in the clover
721
00:49:21,481 --> 00:49:26,080
# Roll me over,
lay me down and do it again
722
00:49:27,922 --> 00:49:29,281
# When she's. . . #
723
00:49:51,361 --> 00:49:54,561
-All right, Sergeant, let's just check your ruler.
-That's, uh. . .
724
00:49:54,682 --> 00:49:56,321
-. . .22 inches, sir.
-Carry on.
725
00:49:56,362 --> 00:49:57,603
Thank you.
726
00:49:58,242 --> 00:50:00,961
Head, 22 inches.
727
00:50:01,003 --> 00:50:02,722
Ah, taking my measurements!
728
00:50:05,002 --> 00:50:06,121
Chest, 22 inches.
729
00:50:06,243 --> 00:50:09,442
That's right. That's the hammer.
Get it all down, eh !
730
00:50:09,562 --> 00:50:10,682
lnside leg,
731
00:50:13,002 --> 00:50:14,883
-22 inches, sir.
-You're right.
732
00:50:15,003 --> 00:50:17,121
Right, sir. We'll let you know.
733
00:50:17,163 --> 00:50:19,002
Thank you very much, thank you.
734
00:50:19,684 --> 00:50:20,923
Ah ! There are my children !
735
00:50:21,404 --> 00:50:22,403
Hello, Daddy!
736
00:50:22,883 --> 00:50:26,442
You won't want their measurements,
of course, they're a bit young.
737
00:50:26,562 --> 00:50:29,283
My word ! What a hairy trunk!
738
00:50:32,164 --> 00:50:33,323
Keep moving.
739
00:50:35,883 --> 00:50:37,443
You going to let me know, then?
740
00:50:37,564 --> 00:50:40,003
Uh, who are you?
741
00:50:40,603 --> 00:50:41,643
They are.
742
00:50:41,765 --> 00:50:43,882
l must say, they seemed rather impressed
with my inside leg.
743
00:50:44,445 --> 00:50:46,243
Excuse me, sir, but it was a 22, wasn't it?
744
00:50:46,284 --> 00:50:48,043
-Yes, l believe it was.
-l say!
745
00:50:48,164 --> 00:50:50,243
Not many of them left, you know.
746
00:50:50,364 --> 00:50:51,723
Like to shake you by the hand.
747
00:50:51,844 --> 00:50:54,283
Yeah, l would, but not until l've referred it
748
00:50:54,404 --> 00:50:55,963
-to the Ministry of Health.
-Quite, quite.
749
00:50:56,004 --> 00:50:57,564
Can't be too careful.
750
00:50:57,605 --> 00:50:58,684
You in business, then?
751
00:50:58,725 --> 00:51:00,124
-Hmm?
-Looking for a partner?
752
00:51:00,164 --> 00:51:01,283
No, l am a partner.
753
00:51:01,403 --> 00:51:03,804
Of course. Who is your partner?
754
00:51:03,845 --> 00:51:05,964
l don't need one,
l'm just Partner and Company.
755
00:51:06,084 --> 00:51:09,124
l say, uh, is that your daughter?
756
00:51:09,245 --> 00:51:11,524
l say, it is. Chubby little thing.
757
00:51:11,964 --> 00:51:13,603
-Well-built young girl.
-Thank you.
758
00:51:14,204 --> 00:51:17,245
Been going on for some time?
759
00:51:17,565 --> 00:51:20,124
-Eighteen months.
-Eight. . . lndeed, indeed !
760
00:51:20,805 --> 00:51:22,844
Well,
l'd like your permission to
761
00:51:23,366 --> 00:51:24,925
call upon your daughter.
762
00:51:25,887 --> 00:51:28,004
Often. Starting now.
763
00:52:06,566 --> 00:52:07,645
No.
764
00:52:07,686 --> 00:52:10,526
l'd like a bit more off here, for courting.
765
00:52:20,006 --> 00:52:22,247
Ah ! Ah, yes, that's much better.
766
00:52:22,288 --> 00:52:26,127
l'm not one of your hippie types, you know.
Such as that never won fair lady.
767
00:52:26,248 --> 00:52:28,447
-Anything else, sir?
-Mmm?
768
00:52:50,048 --> 00:52:51,728
But Daddy, l love Alan.
769
00:52:52,328 --> 00:52:55,048
Love?
Love is a four-letter word.
770
00:52:55,088 --> 00:52:56,488
Come to that, so is bull.
771
00:52:57,129 --> 00:52:58,848
Cat is a three-letter word.
772
00:52:58,889 --> 00:53:00,047
Right.
773
00:53:01,288 --> 00:53:02,888
You're going to make a famous son-in-law.
774
00:53:03,369 --> 00:53:04,768
Been my ambition for years.
775
00:53:05,929 --> 00:53:07,208
Uh. . .
776
00:53:14,769 --> 00:53:16,648
Now, look here, Mr Frereton !
777
00:53:16,689 --> 00:53:19,209
You can't arrange
this thing over our heads, you know.
778
00:53:19,250 --> 00:53:20,288
Can't l?
779
00:53:20,329 --> 00:53:22,928
Captain Bules Martin is a man of subsidence
and property, if not more.
780
00:53:23,250 --> 00:53:24,529
Moreover, he's a partner.
781
00:53:25,329 --> 00:53:28,008
A very fitting
son-in-law for a future Prime Minister.
782
00:53:28,810 --> 00:53:30,090
Who is?
783
00:53:30,131 --> 00:53:31,249
l am.
784
00:53:31,370 --> 00:53:34,569
You don't imagine they gathered my
measurements for nothing, do you?
785
00:53:34,610 --> 00:53:37,769
Show me a 22 inside leg
and l'll show you a future Prime Minister.
786
00:53:37,890 --> 00:53:39,529
lt's a well-known fact.
787
00:53:39,651 --> 00:53:41,809
l expect Mrs Ethel Shroake
788
00:53:42,850 --> 00:53:44,529
to consider my credentials any day now.
789
00:53:45,170 --> 00:53:48,010
That trunk of yours, get rid of it.
790
00:53:49,451 --> 00:53:51,210
This is not my trunk.
791
00:53:52,011 --> 00:53:54,930
He tied his thumbs up with string and exposed
himself for a limited period
792
00:53:55,050 --> 00:53:57,010
between Bagshot and Camberley.
793
00:53:57,130 --> 00:53:58,570
Was that you, sir?
794
00:53:59,571 --> 00:54:01,330
A post-war gesture, l suppose.
795
00:54:02,091 --> 00:54:03,570
l hope you destroyed the string.
796
00:55:03,853 --> 00:55:06,733
Get out of it! Shoo! Get out!
797
00:55:08,813 --> 00:55:10,253
Clear out!
798
00:55:11,534 --> 00:55:12,693
Naughty. . . !
799
00:55:39,095 --> 00:55:40,694
l love St Paul's, you know.
800
00:55:41,416 --> 00:55:43,574
Dearly love us to be married here.
801
00:55:44,455 --> 00:55:45,934
Ah ! Vicar!
802
00:55:47,373 --> 00:55:49,734
May be requiring your services soon.
803
00:55:50,736 --> 00:55:52,014
My fiancée and l.
804
00:55:53,455 --> 00:55:55,054
l'm not surprised.
805
00:55:55,575 --> 00:56:00,015
l wouldn't leave it too long, if l were you.
Chubby little thing, isn't she?
806
00:56:03,696 --> 00:56:05,894
My patient, you know.
807
00:56:07,015 --> 00:56:08,175
Well, if you'll excuse me,
808
00:56:08,296 --> 00:56:11,975
l'll just go in for a minute
and get spruced up a bit.
809
00:56:18,856 --> 00:56:20,134
l can't go through with it.
810
00:56:20,776 --> 00:56:21,774
What?
811
00:56:21,897 --> 00:56:24,375
Having this monster.
812
00:56:28,215 --> 00:56:30,255
Well, no one else can have it, can they?
813
00:56:56,977 --> 00:56:58,737
-Then it must be?
-lt must be.
814
00:57:00,497 --> 00:57:02,736
Well, l'll just slip into an old wedding dress.
815
00:57:02,777 --> 00:57:04,496
No, no, wait a minute, darling.
816
00:57:06,419 --> 00:57:08,017
Go behind the screen.
817
00:57:08,378 --> 00:57:10,577
Oh, really, darling,
you've watched a lady undress
818
00:57:10,617 --> 00:57:11,897
before today, haven't you?
819
00:57:12,017 --> 00:57:13,616
Of course, darling.
820
00:57:13,778 --> 00:57:16,177
l'll go behind the screen with you.
821
00:57:20,819 --> 00:57:22,737
l wish Mother could have been alive to see it.
822
00:57:25,138 --> 00:57:26,617
Uh, just a thought.
823
00:57:27,538 --> 00:57:31,857
Have you considered the new economical
combined marriage and divorce ceremony?
824
00:57:31,898 --> 00:57:34,578
Three pounds one shilling. Catholics extra.
825
00:57:34,939 --> 00:57:37,457
No, no, we couldn't afford
the divorce just now.
826
00:57:37,578 --> 00:57:39,378
She'll have to be satisfied with the wedding.
827
00:57:39,419 --> 00:57:42,099
Later on, of course, when l'm earning,
then we can get the annulment.
828
00:57:42,219 --> 00:57:44,337
Uh, this is the instant God kit, sir.
829
00:57:45,259 --> 00:57:46,258
Good luck.
830
00:57:57,419 --> 00:57:59,539
Alley-up there.
831
00:58:00,019 --> 00:58:01,459
Would you join hands, please?
832
00:58:02,579 --> 00:58:04,539
Good, good.
833
00:58:04,659 --> 00:58:05,940
And now for a good book.
834
00:58:08,821 --> 00:58:11,898
# Oh, and the naughty gamekeeper
835
00:58:12,019 --> 00:58:14,099
# Took her into the potting shed
836
00:58:14,140 --> 00:58:16,338
# And laid her upon the ground
837
00:58:16,381 --> 00:58:18,140
# And with hands quivering, he ripped. . . #
838
00:58:18,260 --> 00:58:19,858
l say, look here, that's not the Bible.
839
00:58:19,900 --> 00:58:21,339
l know, it's Lady Chatterley's Lover.
840
00:58:21,461 --> 00:58:24,939
But if you prefer the old twit version,
l think l can still recall it.
841
00:58:26,781 --> 00:58:30,419
# Do you, Bules Martin,
take this girl to be your lawful wedded wife?
842
00:58:30,460 --> 00:58:32,059
# l was expecting you to ask me that question
843
00:58:32,181 --> 00:58:33,739
# As it so happens, l do
844
00:58:34,461 --> 00:58:38,260
# And do you, Penelope, take this lawful
wedded man to be your husband?
845
00:58:38,381 --> 00:58:39,380
l do.
846
00:58:39,421 --> 00:58:42,380
# And do you promise,
Penelope Rose Frereton
847
00:58:42,421 --> 00:58:45,019
# To cherish your husband
in sickness and in health
848
00:58:45,141 --> 00:58:47,860
# ln trial and in ordeal and in all that holy. . . #
849
00:58:47,901 --> 00:58:49,100
l do!
850
00:58:49,141 --> 00:58:50,620
l say, look here,
there's still some decency left.
851
00:58:50,741 --> 00:58:51,741
Come on, darling, let's get out of here.
852
00:58:51,861 --> 00:58:52,820
Stop!
853
00:58:53,342 --> 00:58:55,060
Haven't finished, have we?
854
00:58:55,700 --> 00:58:59,341
l now pronounce you man and wife.
855
00:59:00,702 --> 00:59:03,021
On your mark, get set. . .
856
00:59:11,742 --> 00:59:14,780
Get out of my bedroom, you Peeping Tom.
857
00:59:16,182 --> 00:59:18,381
Ah ! This ought to do the trick.
858
00:59:18,422 --> 00:59:20,302
You've got two hours, mate.
859
00:59:20,342 --> 00:59:22,103
-l won't need this, then, will l?
-No!
860
00:59:23,863 --> 00:59:26,381
My God ! When was my last virility test?
861
00:59:31,343 --> 00:59:32,541
Congratulations, Mrs Martin.
862
00:59:32,664 --> 00:59:34,582
l thought you'd never get here.
863
00:59:38,903 --> 00:59:40,823
-Excuse me, sir. BBC Television.
-Yes?
864
00:59:43,102 --> 00:59:45,302
When did you first decide
to become a politician?
865
00:59:48,304 --> 00:59:49,581
Did you get that?
866
00:59:49,622 --> 00:59:51,663
l'm afraid l didn't, sir.
Would you like to try again?
867
00:59:51,704 --> 00:59:53,783
lt began when l measured
my inside leg one day,
868
00:59:53,904 --> 00:59:55,343
-as we all do.
-Mmm.
869
00:59:55,385 --> 00:59:57,623
And l found that l was very well-equipped.
870
01:00:14,744 --> 01:00:16,545
Good heavens! Penelope?
871
01:00:17,984 --> 01:00:19,264
Hello, Daddy.
872
01:00:19,384 --> 01:00:21,463
But you're promised
to Captain Bules Martin, you slut.
873
01:00:21,585 --> 01:00:23,063
Come down at once.
874
01:00:23,184 --> 01:00:24,704
l married him this morning, Daddy.
875
01:00:24,825 --> 01:00:26,145
So you did.
876
01:00:26,266 --> 01:00:27,543
That's all right, then.
877
01:00:27,584 --> 01:00:28,704
Carry on.
878
01:00:35,505 --> 01:00:36,944
Wife sent you along, did she?
879
01:00:37,345 --> 01:00:39,504
Well, it did occur
to me that l might review the circumstances.
880
01:00:39,546 --> 01:00:41,263
Huh. You'll love it.
881
01:00:41,306 --> 01:00:43,905
Yeah, l can't keep away.
882
01:00:44,545 --> 01:00:45,904
You'll learn to love your virility test.
883
01:00:46,304 --> 01:00:47,744
l've always had a very good wind.
884
01:00:47,866 --> 01:00:49,144
Mmm, oh dear.
885
01:00:50,146 --> 01:00:52,466
-Who's wrong?
-Well, my wife. . .
886
01:00:52,546 --> 01:00:54,864
She. . . Well. . .
887
01:00:57,786 --> 01:00:58,785
Oh !
888
01:00:58,906 --> 01:01:01,985
Best thing, uh, best thing to do is
talk dirty among yourselves.
889
01:01:02,105 --> 01:01:05,786
Well, if you can't come to that,
flick through the dirty books.
890
01:01:20,947 --> 01:01:21,946
ls it?
891
01:01:22,146 --> 01:01:23,707
-ls it?
-Due?
892
01:01:24,187 --> 01:01:25,746
-Due?
-l knew it.
893
01:01:25,787 --> 01:01:27,866
-Ooh !
-Should have kept my socks on.
894
01:01:30,588 --> 01:01:32,186
Look, never mind, my love.
895
01:01:32,507 --> 01:01:34,745
l'll nip downstairs and get some boiling water.
896
01:01:35,548 --> 01:01:37,467
Come. Come on down.
897
01:01:38,586 --> 01:01:39,705
Come on, we'll just nip down.
898
01:01:43,748 --> 01:01:45,267
-Oh.
-Oh.
899
01:01:51,387 --> 01:01:52,987
Pretty Poll. Pretty Poll !
900
01:02:08,028 --> 01:02:10,987
Ah, did you pass your virility test, son?
901
01:02:11,069 --> 01:02:13,228
l don't know. Hard to tell.
902
01:02:13,628 --> 01:02:15,548
You see, lights fused at the critical moment.
903
01:02:16,109 --> 01:02:18,348
Where's my bride? She should be able to tell.
904
01:02:18,429 --> 01:02:21,268
Sit down, son. Your bride is in labour.
905
01:02:21,949 --> 01:02:23,467
Oh, God !
906
01:02:25,228 --> 01:02:27,548
Daddy, l need a drink.
907
01:02:32,429 --> 01:02:33,468
What'll you have, old boy?
908
01:02:33,549 --> 01:02:36,308
l'll have a large, uh, water.
909
01:02:36,348 --> 01:02:37,548
With water?
910
01:02:37,630 --> 01:02:39,869
No, nothing with it.
911
01:02:39,990 --> 01:02:41,308
-Here you are.
-Good. Thanks.
912
01:02:41,389 --> 01:02:42,669
A pleasure.
913
01:02:42,750 --> 01:02:46,868
Well, l think l'll
wander along to the saloon car, bar.
914
01:02:46,909 --> 01:02:49,150
Well, here we are again.
915
01:02:49,270 --> 01:02:52,149
Another one for you? Pleasure, old friend.
916
01:02:53,230 --> 01:02:54,909
Oh, l knew.
917
01:02:55,029 --> 01:02:58,750
As soon as l
grasped the test-tube firmly in my right hand.
918
01:02:58,831 --> 01:03:01,069
None of your cheek and impotence.
919
01:03:01,150 --> 01:03:02,109
Cheek?
920
01:03:05,751 --> 01:03:07,711
-You'll like it, l think.
-Thank you.
921
01:03:07,831 --> 01:03:09,309
Jolly good health.
922
01:03:10,871 --> 01:03:11,989
Oh.
923
01:03:25,111 --> 01:03:26,751
Evening.
924
01:03:27,791 --> 01:03:29,070
We're looking for a man.
925
01:03:29,150 --> 01:03:30,870
Are you indeed, lnspector?
926
01:03:30,910 --> 01:03:33,471
There aren't many of us left, you know.
927
01:03:36,471 --> 01:03:38,271
We're also looking for a bed sitting room.
928
01:03:38,351 --> 01:03:40,031
Aren't we all?
929
01:03:40,152 --> 01:03:41,390
True. True.
930
01:03:42,431 --> 01:03:45,591
We're on the trail of a foul and grisly murder.
931
01:03:45,632 --> 01:03:48,751
l say, isn't that the first, uh, post-war murder?
932
01:03:48,832 --> 01:03:50,711
Things are looking up for you
in popular fiction.
933
01:03:50,753 --> 01:03:52,791
Yes, we've had a pretty thin time of it recently.
934
01:03:52,832 --> 01:03:53,871
Yes.
935
01:03:53,952 --> 01:03:55,071
What with 40 million dead,
936
01:03:55,193 --> 01:03:56,591
we haven't been
able to see the wood for the trees.
937
01:03:56,672 --> 01:03:58,511
Yes, quite.
938
01:03:58,592 --> 01:04:01,232
But this is murder, not glory.
939
01:04:01,952 --> 01:04:03,150
How do you do?
940
01:04:06,752 --> 01:04:11,151
We are also looking for a trunk,
if the lnspector doesn't mind me saying so.
941
01:04:11,232 --> 01:04:15,553
And when we find it,
we shall know why we're looking for it.
942
01:04:21,792 --> 01:04:23,513
Penelope!
943
01:04:24,832 --> 01:04:35,073
Penelope!
944
01:04:35,153 --> 01:04:36,512
Penelope. . .
945
01:04:37,233 --> 01:04:39,353
Relax, dearie. She's doing very well.
946
01:04:39,394 --> 01:04:42,513
Would you like to see the birth?
We've still got a few tickets left.
947
01:04:42,594 --> 01:04:44,912
Let me go! She needs me!
948
01:04:44,994 --> 01:04:46,033
No.
949
01:04:46,113 --> 01:04:48,994
What she has need of is medical science.
950
01:04:56,354 --> 01:04:57,752
Father?
951
01:05:00,274 --> 01:05:04,114
Oh ! Are you that bloke
what ordered the Van Gogh painting?
952
01:05:04,194 --> 01:05:07,394
l am, l am. Hang it up there.
953
01:05:10,115 --> 01:05:11,994
l think it might do better on the wall.
954
01:05:12,035 --> 01:05:14,754
l wish you'd make your bleeding mind up.
955
01:05:16,515 --> 01:05:19,554
ls your name Frereton?
956
01:05:19,635 --> 01:05:21,556
No. lt's not.
957
01:05:21,636 --> 01:05:22,914
Never!
958
01:05:22,995 --> 01:05:24,994
-That is the man you want.
-Never!
959
01:05:25,116 --> 01:05:28,434
Only it's, uh, it's his turn to be Prime Minister.
960
01:05:29,875 --> 01:05:31,873
l know. l know.
961
01:05:31,996 --> 01:05:34,915
l always knew
my inside leg would lead to power.
962
01:05:35,035 --> 01:05:38,674
Dear Martin. . . Bules,
give me a hand, will you?
963
01:05:38,756 --> 01:05:42,515
And get rid of my old togs, which l shall
not need as Prime Minister.
964
01:05:53,795 --> 01:05:55,795
Martin, what about down there, eh?
965
01:05:55,877 --> 01:05:57,235
Huh?
966
01:06:06,197 --> 01:06:07,237
Ah.
967
01:06:35,878 --> 01:06:37,597
Oh, fire, fire!
968
01:06:38,117 --> 01:06:39,198
Fire!
969
01:06:39,238 --> 01:06:42,038
-Did you say something?
-What? Me? No.
970
01:06:42,118 --> 01:06:43,237
Fire!
971
01:06:43,318 --> 01:06:45,597
All right, Sergeant, nip down and see
what that fire's about, would you?
972
01:06:45,638 --> 01:06:47,398
l was just going to do so, actually, sir.
973
01:06:47,478 --> 01:06:48,997
Can't have fires around this time of the year.
974
01:06:49,077 --> 01:06:50,198
Very well put, sir.
975
01:06:50,279 --> 01:06:51,358
Down you go, then, Sergeant.
976
01:06:51,400 --> 01:06:53,118
Right. Could you lower the balloon a little, sir?
977
01:06:53,159 --> 01:06:55,397
-Doing me best.
-Thank you.
978
01:06:56,518 --> 01:06:58,598
Oh, my bloody leg !
979
01:06:58,718 --> 01:07:00,318
Never mind about your bloody leg !
980
01:07:00,358 --> 01:07:02,558
Look at me, l'm drifting ! Grab hold of the rope!
981
01:07:02,599 --> 01:07:05,158
Grab hold of the rope, Constable.
Sir's drifting.
982
01:07:05,240 --> 01:07:08,478
Sir's more than drifting ! Sir's away!
983
01:07:08,519 --> 01:07:10,197
Grab the anchor!
984
01:07:10,279 --> 01:07:14,119
l didn't join the force just to drift aimlessly
into the void !
985
01:07:14,240 --> 01:07:16,678
Right, sir! Hold on, sir, we'll soon
have you out of trouble!
986
01:07:16,760 --> 01:07:18,038
Grab the anchor!
987
01:07:18,119 --> 01:07:19,998
l've got hold of it, sir.
Everything's under control !
988
01:07:20,039 --> 01:07:23,399
Oh, my God ! Pull me down, Sergeant!
989
01:07:23,519 --> 01:07:24,679
l will, sir!
990
01:07:24,760 --> 01:07:27,078
Use your weight and gravity.
l'll come and help you !
991
01:07:27,160 --> 01:07:29,558
l haven't got much gravity left, sir!
992
01:07:30,880 --> 01:07:33,399
What a lovely dome that is.
Wren, isn't it?
993
01:07:33,481 --> 01:07:36,199
No, it's not rain, sir. lt looks a bit cloudy,
994
01:07:36,320 --> 01:07:38,999
but l don't think we're in for any rain.
Sorry, sir.
995
01:07:39,080 --> 01:07:41,319
Ever thought of dropping off
the balloon suddenly, Sergeant?
996
01:07:42,440 --> 01:07:43,559
We have this new system.
997
01:07:43,641 --> 01:07:46,521
lnstead of moving the baby out,
we move the furniture in.
998
01:07:47,681 --> 01:07:48,680
Excuse me.
999
01:07:48,800 --> 01:07:50,679
What are you doing to my Penny?
1000
01:07:50,760 --> 01:07:52,199
We should all ask ourselves,
1001
01:07:52,320 --> 01:07:55,160
is it really necessary
for people to leave the womb nowadays?
1002
01:07:55,240 --> 01:07:57,800
That's when most of
the trouble seems to start in this wicked world.
1003
01:08:01,001 --> 01:08:02,840
My God, it's monstrous!
1004
01:08:02,920 --> 01:08:05,440
lt may well be, but you must be prepared
to love your monster.
1005
01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:07,721
Oh, we have some medicated wallpaper here.
1006
01:08:07,801 --> 01:08:10,600
Perhaps you'd like
to chose a pattern to suit your womb.
1007
01:08:16,121 --> 01:08:17,441
Ah.
1008
01:08:24,121 --> 01:08:27,402
Then, in come the three bears.
And Daddy Bear said,
1009
01:08:27,482 --> 01:08:29,641
"Who's been sleeping in my porridge?"
1010
01:08:29,722 --> 01:08:31,241
And the Mama Bear said,
1011
01:08:31,321 --> 01:08:34,041
"That's no porridge. That was my wife."
1012
01:08:35,401 --> 01:08:38,081
Waste of time telling bleeding chinks. . .
1013
01:08:38,121 --> 01:08:40,201
There were three pandas, see?
1014
01:08:40,282 --> 01:08:41,321
Ah !
1015
01:08:41,402 --> 01:08:42,401
Sergeant!
1016
01:08:42,442 --> 01:08:43,642
Sir!
1017
01:08:43,723 --> 01:08:45,801
Quick, man, they're coming over the wire.
1018
01:08:47,002 --> 01:08:50,682
Where, sir? l can see no one whatever, sir.
1019
01:08:50,763 --> 01:08:53,481
Put these glasses to your eyes, you idiot!
1020
01:08:57,082 --> 01:08:59,402
No, sir. Duff information, sir.
1021
01:08:59,522 --> 01:09:02,283
l can see nothing whatever, sir.
Nothing untoward to report, sir.
1022
01:09:02,403 --> 01:09:03,883
-No sign of the enemy, sir.
-Here.
1023
01:09:05,163 --> 01:09:06,522
Are you the bloke, uh, officer,
1024
01:09:06,603 --> 01:09:09,962
what was in charge of the nuclear detergent
in the last atomic war?
1025
01:09:10,043 --> 01:09:11,082
l am he.
1026
01:09:11,203 --> 01:09:15,203
Bad news. lt has been returned to sender.
1027
01:09:15,244 --> 01:09:17,762
And there's three and nine to
pay on it in Chinese dollars.
1028
01:09:17,803 --> 01:09:20,122
-Good heavens! We got a reply.
-l can't help that, mate.
1029
01:09:20,204 --> 01:09:22,123
You didn't reckon
with the chinky-poo post office, did you?
1030
01:09:22,243 --> 01:09:23,883
-Well, it's a bit late now.
-Yes.
1031
01:09:24,004 --> 01:09:27,642
Sixty-five million pounds
it cost to develop that bomb.
1032
01:09:27,725 --> 01:09:29,803
Pity about the three and nine.
1033
01:09:29,884 --> 01:09:32,643
We could have won, you know.
Damnable bad luck!
1034
01:09:57,125 --> 01:09:59,163
Dad will get a nice surprise.
1035
01:10:00,445 --> 01:10:02,285
-Dad !
-Dad !
1036
01:10:04,205 --> 01:10:06,043
-Daddy?
-Daddy?
1037
01:10:06,125 --> 01:10:08,365
-Dad?
-Dad?
1038
01:10:13,926 --> 01:10:16,764
Sorry we're late home, Dad.
1039
01:10:16,846 --> 01:10:19,046
l had the baby.
1040
01:10:21,805 --> 01:10:23,884
Don't you think he looks a bit like you, sir?
1041
01:10:45,006 --> 01:10:47,046
lt's been a long day.
1042
01:10:55,967 --> 01:10:59,686
Oh.
1043
01:11:04,367 --> 01:11:06,127
Good night.
1044
01:11:14,768 --> 01:11:16,527
Rape!
1045
01:11:16,608 --> 01:11:19,167
Damn it,
l can hold my tongue no longer!
1046
01:11:19,248 --> 01:11:21,006
-What?
-How dare you, adulterer!
1047
01:11:21,129 --> 01:11:23,287
How dare you
take advantage of our feathered friend !
1048
01:11:23,368 --> 01:11:25,128
-Mummy!
-l'm so ashamed.
1049
01:11:25,209 --> 01:11:27,688
Compromised internally
in front of my own daughter.
1050
01:11:27,768 --> 01:11:29,047
Close my doors at once.
1051
01:11:29,129 --> 01:11:31,567
-Can't we go into this in the morning? l'm all. . .
-Daddy, it's Mummy.
1052
01:11:31,649 --> 01:11:35,207
Very well, Captain.
But be gentle with me.
1053
01:11:35,289 --> 01:11:37,488
Nighty-night.
1054
01:11:39,648 --> 01:11:40,888
Night-night, Mum.
1055
01:11:40,969 --> 01:11:42,887
Good night, dear.
1056
01:11:50,569 --> 01:11:52,488
Uh, good night, Dad.
1057
01:12:04,009 --> 01:12:05,128
No.
1058
01:12:06,409 --> 01:12:08,449
Nothing edible here.
1059
01:12:08,531 --> 01:12:13,130
You know, ever since they
dropped the, uh, you know,
1060
01:12:13,210 --> 01:12:15,528
woodworms have become quite extinct.
1061
01:12:15,611 --> 01:12:17,568
Oh, really?
1062
01:12:17,650 --> 01:12:19,049
Very strange.
1063
01:12:20,170 --> 01:12:22,529
Perhaps it wasn't the Russians and Americans
who dropped it, then.
1064
01:12:22,610 --> 01:12:24,409
Perhaps it was Rentokil.
1065
01:12:27,931 --> 01:12:30,089
Dinner is served, Daddy-o.
1066
01:12:33,130 --> 01:12:34,249
Well. . .
1067
01:12:34,331 --> 01:12:37,330
Well, l don't know who he is,
but he's just in time.
1068
01:12:42,091 --> 01:12:44,650
Well. Sit you down.
1069
01:12:52,251 --> 01:12:55,251
What? What is it, darling? Chicken?
1070
01:12:55,331 --> 01:12:56,691
No, it's Daddy.
1071
01:12:56,771 --> 01:13:00,851
Oh. Well, never mind. Don't take it too hard.
1072
01:13:00,931 --> 01:13:04,491
We'll let his perch to another bird,
if we can find one.
1073
01:13:04,573 --> 01:13:06,092
Be gentle, Bules.
1074
01:13:08,012 --> 01:13:11,450
How did this terrible thing happen?
1075
01:13:11,531 --> 01:13:13,051
After his career in politics,
1076
01:13:13,131 --> 01:13:16,051
he said he wanted his body
to be left to science.
1077
01:13:16,132 --> 01:13:18,252
Then he threw himself off his perch.
1078
01:13:28,772 --> 01:13:29,812
Eh?
1079
01:13:34,413 --> 01:13:38,092
Here, what's that silly thing?
1080
01:13:38,174 --> 01:13:39,452
lt's her father.
1081
01:13:39,533 --> 01:13:42,252
Father, eh? Ooh ! This'll mean a by-election.
1082
01:13:42,332 --> 01:13:44,092
Oh dear Lord !
1083
01:13:45,413 --> 01:13:49,053
Cor, he tastes marvellous.
We've never had so good.
1084
01:14:49,415 --> 01:14:50,695
Oh.
1085
01:14:51,935 --> 01:14:53,615
l am moving.
1086
01:15:11,056 --> 01:15:13,134
Gas masks on !
1087
01:15:14,296 --> 01:15:16,897
Gas masks on ! Hurry up.
1088
01:15:17,697 --> 01:15:21,735
Atomic bomb, radiation rising ! Hurry up!
1089
01:15:21,817 --> 01:15:25,215
Radiation rising. Masks on !
1090
01:15:25,296 --> 01:15:26,617
All your masks on !
1091
01:15:27,777 --> 01:15:30,097
My word,
it's a good job the Minister of Defence
1092
01:15:30,177 --> 01:15:33,255
had a sense of humour
when he invented these masks.
1093
01:15:33,337 --> 01:15:37,336
Mind you, l was thinking. l don't think
the human face fits the modern need.
1094
01:15:37,416 --> 01:15:38,896
-You don't?
-No.
1095
01:15:38,977 --> 01:15:42,337
lf l had my way
in the hurly-burly of post-atomic living,
1096
01:15:42,418 --> 01:15:44,976
l'd have a bloke's mouth on top of his nut.
1097
01:15:45,056 --> 01:15:46,817
You see, then when he's late for work
1098
01:15:46,897 --> 01:15:49,258
all he has to do
is slide his breakfast under his hat
1099
01:15:49,338 --> 01:15:50,898
and eat it on the way to the office.
1100
01:15:50,978 --> 01:15:52,337
Huh?
1101
01:15:53,977 --> 01:15:56,456
Do you think we've come to the end of it all?
1102
01:15:57,257 --> 01:15:59,898
Oh, dear.
1103
01:16:02,299 --> 01:16:03,377
Nah.
1104
01:16:09,179 --> 01:16:12,217
Get your masks on !
Get your masks on !
1105
01:16:12,338 --> 01:16:15,257
Get your masks on ! Atomic bomb!
1106
01:16:24,019 --> 01:16:26,418
Oh, please, God, not again.
1107
01:16:33,539 --> 01:16:35,059
Bloody fog.
1108
01:16:36,460 --> 01:16:37,618
What's to become of us now?
1109
01:16:37,700 --> 01:16:39,538
Well, we'll just have to keep going.
1110
01:16:39,619 --> 01:16:41,098
What for?
1111
01:16:41,180 --> 01:16:42,938
Because we're British.
1112
01:16:43,019 --> 01:16:44,380
British?
1113
01:16:44,460 --> 01:16:49,219
Well, what a lot of use that is.
We don't even know who's won the war.
1114
01:16:49,300 --> 01:16:53,859
We've run out of food. No medicine.
We're eating our parents.
1115
01:16:53,939 --> 01:16:55,299
British !
1116
01:17:00,380 --> 01:17:02,579
And another thing. lf l had my way,
1117
01:17:02,661 --> 01:17:05,980
l'd have a bloke's genitals
on the end of his finger.
1118
01:17:06,061 --> 01:17:07,061
He'd wear a glove, of course?
1119
01:17:07,141 --> 01:17:10,419
Oh, yes!
You don't want the frost to get at it, eh?
1120
01:17:10,500 --> 01:17:13,501
And you think how
handy it would be in them non-corridor trains.
1121
01:17:13,581 --> 01:17:15,100
He could waggle it
out the window then, couldn't he?
1122
01:17:15,180 --> 01:17:17,141
Where would you put a woman's equivalent?
1123
01:17:17,221 --> 01:17:20,900
Well, l'd. . .
l'd have that up here on her shoulder. See?
1124
01:17:20,981 --> 01:17:23,500
-Oh?
-Then she couldn't get raped by, uh, midgets.
1125
01:17:23,580 --> 01:17:25,099
Supposing they stood
on each other's shoulders?
1126
01:17:25,180 --> 01:17:27,781
No! lt'd be easier for her to kneel down.
1127
01:17:27,862 --> 01:17:29,661
Oh no, it wouldn't work. Out of the question !
1128
01:17:29,742 --> 01:17:31,700
-How do you mean?
-Picture to yourself.
1129
01:17:31,782 --> 01:17:37,980
Crowded train, a young man
gets up to give his seat to a young, pretty girl.
1130
01:17:38,060 --> 01:17:40,821
She doesn't notice at first, and then. . .
1131
01:17:40,902 --> 01:17:43,461
"Excuse me, miss." Ah?
1132
01:17:46,902 --> 01:17:48,342
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
1133
01:17:48,422 --> 01:17:49,942
Oh dear, indeed.
1134
01:17:50,023 --> 01:17:52,501
That would put the price of tickets
up on the Tube, wouldn't it, eh?
1135
01:18:02,901 --> 01:18:04,662
lsn't it looking a bit off to you?
1136
01:18:04,743 --> 01:18:06,901
Well, take him inside, then.
1137
01:18:06,983 --> 01:18:08,821
. . . no-poking compartment.
1138
01:18:10,942 --> 01:18:13,422
Ah, let's get in now, dear. Blowing up foggy.
1139
01:18:14,143 --> 01:18:16,182
Here, here, here. Come here.
1140
01:18:16,263 --> 01:18:17,942
Turn round, darling.
1141
01:18:18,023 --> 01:18:19,341
What?
1142
01:18:19,422 --> 01:18:21,342
Pardon. . . Pardon me, miss.
1143
01:18:30,863 --> 01:18:32,542
Rubber?
1144
01:18:32,623 --> 01:18:34,144
Please go away.
1145
01:18:36,824 --> 01:18:39,063
lt's rubber.
1146
01:18:39,224 --> 01:18:42,262
lt's rubber! Rubber!
1147
01:18:43,103 --> 01:18:44,263
Gas.
1148
01:18:44,343 --> 01:18:46,783
This is a killer fog, all right.
Just like the old days.
1149
01:18:46,864 --> 01:18:48,223
Eh? lsn't it, eh?
1150
01:18:48,304 --> 01:18:51,223
Hey! You'll enjoy this.
lt was horrible how they were gassed.
1151
01:19:08,986 --> 01:19:10,344
Oh !
1152
01:19:10,425 --> 01:19:11,984
My baby!
1153
01:19:13,305 --> 01:19:14,903
My poor baby!
1154
01:19:15,664 --> 01:19:16,904
lt's dead !
1155
01:19:18,225 --> 01:19:21,505
Now, look, darling,
we all know that Rupert was thing.
1156
01:19:21,586 --> 01:19:26,024
lt was our thing. Ours!
We made it, Alan and l.
1157
01:19:27,104 --> 01:19:30,105
lt was the only thing
l ever cared for in the whole world.
1158
01:19:33,026 --> 01:19:35,985
Well, never mind, darling,
we might someday make another.
1159
01:19:37,145 --> 01:19:39,264
What a shame. What a shame.
1160
01:19:40,587 --> 01:19:45,265
Here. Here, darling, l'll drink that silly,
silly bottle of milk up for you.
1161
01:19:45,345 --> 01:19:47,225
That's right.
1162
01:19:47,305 --> 01:19:50,226
Hey! Look! He's already got the hang of it.
1163
01:19:50,306 --> 01:19:53,147
Look, darling,
why don't we adopt this one? Mmm?
1164
01:19:54,107 --> 01:19:57,786
Here we are. There's his rattle.
Diddles want his rattle, then?
1165
01:19:57,866 --> 01:20:00,025
Diddles want his rattle?
1166
01:20:00,106 --> 01:20:01,506
Piss off!
1167
01:20:01,586 --> 01:20:04,746
Listen, darling, his first words. "Piss off!"
1168
01:20:04,826 --> 01:20:06,106
Piss off.
1169
01:20:24,108 --> 01:20:26,547
Sergeant, I think we've found
what we've been looking for.
1170
01:20:26,627 --> 01:20:32,786
Proceed in orderly fashion towards target,
map reference 79, D-3 and remove same.
1171
01:20:39,947 --> 01:20:42,426
The rubber! The rubber!
1172
01:20:42,508 --> 01:20:44,427
lt is the end of us, my friends!
1173
01:20:46,190 --> 01:20:49,547
Oh, yes! The end, my friends, is in sight!
1174
01:20:50,428 --> 01:20:54,907
l carried little Rupert inside me for 1 7 months
rather than let him out into this wicked world.
1175
01:20:57,469 --> 01:21:01,148
Yes, my friend, rubber. lt is the end of us!
1176
01:21:01,310 --> 01:21:03,228
Stretch and repent!
1177
01:21:03,349 --> 01:21:06,508
lt's because of the rubber,
stretching his way around the world.
1178
01:21:06,748 --> 01:21:08,308
Run, brothers, run !
1179
01:21:08,389 --> 01:21:11,029
The rubber will get you wherever you hide!
1180
01:21:11,109 --> 01:21:12,988
The rubber is come.
1181
01:21:13,069 --> 01:21:15,548
Stretch, brothers, and repent!
1182
01:21:16,909 --> 01:21:20,509
We've provoked the hand and the foot,
1183
01:21:20,590 --> 01:21:24,349
and the elbow, and the knees,
and the teeth of God !
1184
01:21:24,429 --> 01:21:26,228
-Right, Sergeant.
-Stand by, men.
1185
01:21:27,428 --> 01:21:31,030
That's why he dropped the bomb.
1186
01:21:31,509 --> 01:21:32,749
The bomb?
1187
01:21:32,831 --> 01:21:33,828
The bomb!
1188
01:21:33,910 --> 01:21:35,829
-The bomb.
-The bomb?
1189
01:21:35,909 --> 01:21:37,309
The bomb!
1190
01:21:44,070 --> 01:21:45,069
Stop!
1191
01:21:46,191 --> 01:21:47,509
Dear God !
1192
01:21:47,791 --> 01:21:49,350
That's the fellow!
1193
01:21:50,430 --> 01:21:53,150
Stretch and repent all your wicked ways!
1194
01:21:53,230 --> 01:21:55,749
Follow me and ye shall be saved !
1195
01:21:56,791 --> 01:21:59,150
Run, brothers, run !
1196
01:21:59,471 --> 01:22:02,470
We can all stretch and repent!
1197
01:22:03,310 --> 01:22:07,310
Stop!
Stop! Stop in the name of the Lord !
1198
01:22:08,191 --> 01:22:12,670
Here, it's God ! lt's God.
He's come back on us.
1199
01:22:13,071 --> 01:22:14,671
Good old God, mate.
1200
01:22:14,831 --> 01:22:17,630
# For he's a jolly good fellow #
1201
01:22:18,113 --> 01:22:19,871
He's a Socialist, you know.
1202
01:22:19,951 --> 01:22:22,270
Quiet, Labour scum !
1203
01:22:22,431 --> 01:22:23,910
What?
1204
01:22:23,991 --> 01:22:27,112
He's. . . He's a bleeding Conservative.
1205
01:22:27,192 --> 01:22:29,231
Here, hold hard a minute,
you don't sound like God,
1206
01:22:29,312 --> 01:22:30,591
you sound like Lord Fortnum.
1207
01:22:30,673 --> 01:22:32,871
l also do impressions.
1208
01:22:32,951 --> 01:22:36,832
Save us, Lord God,
from the dreadful death by radiation.
1209
01:22:36,992 --> 01:22:38,352
Save us, oh, God,
1210
01:22:38,472 --> 01:22:41,671
from the temptations
and perversions of the rubber.
1211
01:22:41,753 --> 01:22:45,031
Save me and l'll give up
being an atheist, Goddy.
1212
01:22:45,112 --> 01:22:47,313
God, give me back my baby.
1213
01:22:48,152 --> 01:22:50,791
Yes, well, uh, yes indeed !
1214
01:22:50,873 --> 01:22:54,032
ln the fullness of time
we'll see what we can do.
1215
01:22:54,472 --> 01:22:55,912
Good, now well, um. . .
1216
01:22:55,992 --> 01:22:59,592
That's not God, that's Lord Fortnum,
the well-known bed sitting room.
1217
01:23:00,113 --> 01:23:01,632
What? What? Lies!
1218
01:23:01,713 --> 01:23:03,352
Captain Bules Martin !
1219
01:23:03,753 --> 01:23:05,553
That's God, l recognise the voice.
1220
01:23:06,633 --> 01:23:10,153
A large brown substance
has come to our attention.
1221
01:23:20,314 --> 01:23:23,153
Bules, darling ! Say something !
1222
01:23:23,593 --> 01:23:26,552
My God, Nigel ! And alive!
1223
01:23:27,113 --> 01:23:29,834
You left me on a left luggage rack.
1224
01:23:29,914 --> 01:23:32,553
There's seventeen pounds
seven shillings to pay, Bules Martin.
1225
01:23:32,593 --> 01:23:35,113
But apart from that,
there are no further charges against you.
1226
01:23:35,194 --> 01:23:38,834
Provided that you have the immediate funds
about your person, that is.
1227
01:23:38,954 --> 01:23:40,073
lt is.
1228
01:23:40,754 --> 01:23:42,154
ls it?
1229
01:23:42,194 --> 01:23:45,034
-Another.
-Due?
1230
01:23:45,675 --> 01:23:48,875
l knew there was something in there.
l'm going to be another mummy.
1231
01:23:49,114 --> 01:23:52,874
l expect you may be wondering why
l've invited you all here this afternoon.
1232
01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:55,114
l've just come
from an audience with Her Majesty,
1233
01:23:55,155 --> 01:23:56,715
Mrs Ethel Shroake.
1234
01:23:56,874 --> 01:23:59,794
And l'm empowered by her to tell you
that in the future,
1235
01:23:59,914 --> 01:24:04,075
clouds of poisonous nuclear fog
will no longer be necessary.
1236
01:24:04,435 --> 01:24:06,835
Mutations will cease sine die.
1237
01:24:06,955 --> 01:24:09,834
And furthermore,
l'm the bringer of glad tidings.
1238
01:24:10,675 --> 01:24:12,875
A team of surgeons at the Woolwich Hospital
1239
01:24:12,955 --> 01:24:17,676
have just accomplished the world's first
successful complete body transplant.
1240
01:24:18,316 --> 01:24:20,915
The donor was the entire
population of South Wales
1241
01:24:21,035 --> 01:24:23,675
and the new body is functioning normally.
1242
01:24:24,076 --> 01:24:27,915
l myself saw it sit up in bed,
wink and ask for a glass of beer.
1243
01:24:28,397 --> 01:24:33,355
All in all, l think we're in for a time of peace,
prosperity and stability,
1244
01:24:33,516 --> 01:24:38,516
when the earth will burgeon forth anew,
the lion will lie down with the lamb,
1245
01:24:38,636 --> 01:24:41,355
and the goat give suck to the tiny bee.
1246
01:24:41,677 --> 01:24:43,756
At times of great national emergency,
1247
01:24:43,836 --> 01:24:46,996
you'll often find that a new leader
tends to emerge.
1248
01:24:47,476 --> 01:24:50,156
Here l am. So watch it.
1249
01:24:50,957 --> 01:24:53,676
Keep moving, everybody. That's the spirit.
1250
01:24:53,758 --> 01:24:55,435
Keep moving !
1251
01:25:16,399 --> 01:25:18,076
Come on, Sergeant.
1252
01:25:18,158 --> 01:25:20,557
Come on. Come on, Sarge. Come on, then.
1253
01:25:20,638 --> 01:25:23,198
Come on. You can come
with us then, Sergeant.
1254
01:25:23,278 --> 01:25:27,037
This is BBC Television.
l have great news for the country.
1255
01:25:27,117 --> 01:25:29,717
Great Britain is a first-class
nuclear power again.
1256
01:25:53,399 --> 01:25:56,878
# God save Mrs EtheI Shroake
1257
01:25:56,960 --> 01:26:00,879
# Long Iive Mrs EtheI Shroake
1258
01:26:00,920 --> 01:26:04,599
# God save Mrs EtheI Shroake
1259
01:26:04,720 --> 01:26:08,718
# Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone #
1260
01:26:10,000 --> 01:26:10,959
Good night.
94548
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