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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:08,040 "Jackie Onassis had hidden the Walther PPK pistol 2 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,880 in her round hat. 3 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,960 "As the motorcade approached the Texas Book Depository window, 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:18,800 "she knew this was her only chance to finally murder her husband." 5 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,480 This is bullshit. 6 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,520 Bullshit? 7 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,200 How the hell would he know? 8 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,040 Well, for a start, her name wasn't Jackie Onassis 9 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,840 when she was married to Kennedy. 10 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,440 It was Jackie Kennedy! 11 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:35,080 Oh! So, he's a historian as well as a shitty actor! 12 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:39,720 OK, but did you know she was having an affair with Onassis at the time? 13 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,360 No, she wasn't! 14 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,320 She didn't meet Onassis until many years later. 15 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,560 Come on, you got to help me out with this guy. 16 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,040 Clem Fandango! 17 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,880 What do you think? Do I need this shit? 18 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,760 Yeah, and who told you Jackie Kennedy assassinated her husband? 19 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,720 Who told me? A few guys told me. 20 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,200 A couple of guys who were there. 21 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:02,400 But more importantly, Arnold Schwarzenegger! 22 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,680 What?! 23 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,320 So, he was there, too, was he? 24 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,680 No, he wasn't there, you asshole! 25 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,560 He was married to the Kennedys! 26 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,600 Which one? All of them? 27 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,600 All right, you... You know what? 28 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,560 Maybe we should crack on, guys? 29 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,880 You know, hell of a lot to get through. 30 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,560 Hi, Sola, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me? 31 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,560 Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango. 32 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,120 What do you... what do you want? 33 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,920 Nothing. I was just making sure you can hear me. 34 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,640 Look, do we have to use this Toast guy? 35 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,440 His attitude stinks, he sounds like George Lazenby, 36 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:38,040 he's not professional at all, his delivery is terrible. 37 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,240 And don't get me started on his hair.. 38 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:46,760 What, is he saying something? Sorry, I've lost Sola's sound. 39 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,320 Maybe we should continue with me just reading the book? 40 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,480 OK, Steven, maybe... maybe we do that. 41 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:53,880 Yeah. 42 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,600 Yeah, we've got another 95,000 words to get through, Steven. 43 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,200 "She thought of her millionaire Greek lover 44 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,600 "and of her philandering presidential husband. 45 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:09,200 "Soon she would be free of Jack and enjoying the high life 46 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,360 "on one of Onassis's luxury yachts." 47 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,720 This is so great, Jennifyer. 48 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,680 Can I just ask a question, Mr Chickentoss? 49 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,240 Call me Richard. Go ahead. 50 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,560 Isn't this more like the kind of thing a hospital visitor would do 51 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,720 rather than a doctor? 52 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:08,440 That is such a great question. 53 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,120 But, occasionally, a doctor may place a vase beside a patient 54 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,280 to make them feel more comfortable 55 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,400 before giving them some terrible news. 56 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,080 Oh, right. 57 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,880 OK, I get it. No, they wouldn't... 58 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,200 OK. So, everybody, grab your stethoscopes 59 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,240 from beneath your chairs. 60 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,800 David, you want to try this? 61 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,800 Just place the stethoscope around your neck 62 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,680 and look concerned. 63 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,640 Uh... Steven, we've not seen much from you today. 64 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,680 Would you like to try that? 65 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:42,800 Yeah... 66 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,360 Wow. 67 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,680 That's very, very good, Steven. 68 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,360 Have you played a doctor before? 69 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,200 No. Uh, well, I... 70 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,480 ..played a vet in an episode of The Archers for Radio 4, 71 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,400 but I think they lost the tapes. 72 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,080 I see. 73 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,440 Now, could you try listening? 74 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,560 Yeah. 75 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,640 OK, listening is very important in doctor acting. 76 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,880 Imagine that a patient is telling you 77 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,040 his or her terrible symptoms. 78 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,160 Oh...! 79 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,120 It's very obvious to me that you've played doctors before. 80 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,360 It's so obvious. 81 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,400 I haven't. 82 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,520 Follow that! 83 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,480 OK, everyone, that's all for today. 84 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,200 We'll see you tomorrow, except for Steven. 85 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,160 Honestly... 86 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,960 ..I have nothing more to teach you. 87 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,560 Good Lord. 88 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,120 Hi, uh, Steven. 89 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,880 I've been doing doctor acting classes for ten years, 90 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:51,040 and I have never seen anything like what you did today. 91 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,360 Really? 92 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,240 I mean, that was nothing. 93 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,640 I'm actually here in the States because I'm playing the lead role 94 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,720 in the new Star Wars movie. 95 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,800 Yeah, sure 96 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,400 What? 97 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,200 Are you playing Dr Spock? 98 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,640 Doctor who? 99 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,280 Oh, Doctor Who. 100 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:11,360 I don't think anyone watches that over here any more. 101 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,840 Anyway, would you mind...? 102 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:26,240 You know, I've been meaning to ask you a question. 103 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,160 You're an actor. Right. 104 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,840 How do you cry on camera? 105 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,200 Well, it's a good question. 106 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,920 Mostly applies to straight actors, and by "straight" I'm not referring 107 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,680 to their sexual orientation. 108 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,920 I mean serious dramatic actors. 109 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,840 Actors who cannot do comedy. 110 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,880 Your not funny, so how do you do it? 111 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,840 Well... 112 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,720 ..I just focus on a spot in the distance, 113 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:52,880 I think about snakes, monsters, aliens - all under my bed - 114 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:56,280 and when that thought gets too much, I cry. 115 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,000 Puta de madre! 116 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,680 Hay un hombre ahi abajo... 117 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,160 Some guy blocking the entrance where? 118 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:05,600 Show me. 119 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,760 Hey! 120 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,280 Get out of there! 121 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,280 You're blocking the entrance to my building! 122 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:13,520 What's happening? 123 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,200 Some homeless guy and his mattress 124 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,000 right in front of the doorway down there. 125 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,440 You believe that shit?! 126 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,600 Ugh... 127 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,840 How about that, buddy? 128 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,680 Ah...! You like that? 129 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,800 Huh? Argh! 130 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,040 Yo conozco ese hombre. 131 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,560 Si... 132 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,720 No es tu papa? 133 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,560 Was that man out there your father? 134 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,040 Yeah! So what?! 135 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,760 Haven't seen him in 40 years, since I was five. 136 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,960 Did he leave home when you were five? 137 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,440 I left home when I was five. 138 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:09,880 I had enough of those assholes. 139 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,200 Fuck... 140 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,960 Was that really his father? 141 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:23,120 Can I just start by saying Mark Ruffalo absolutely 142 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,800 loved your audition. What? 143 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:29,120 He said he follows you on the Twitter and the Instagram, 144 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,120 which is where he noticed your tweet announcing your donation 145 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,480 to his Climate Solutions Project. 146 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:37,720 How many people retweeted that? Was it two million? 147 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,720 You're getting me confused with another actor! 148 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,680 Oh, yeah. 149 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,520 I'm Steven Toast. 150 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,200 Ah, shit, so you are, yeah. 151 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,280 I'm getting confused. 152 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,680 It's been a busy morning. 153 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,560 Do you know anyone in LA with a spare room? 154 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,160 I need to move out. 155 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,880 Russ Nightlife is driving me crackers. 156 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,040 You want to move out, you need cash, buddy. 157 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,960 Everybody knows there's money in playing doctors. 158 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,960 Who knew you'd be such a goddamn natural? 159 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,560 You sure impressed the hell out of Richard Chickentoss. 160 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,560 I didn't do anything. I don't know what all the fuss is about. 161 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,240 Oh, we have to strike while the iron's red hot, baby! 162 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,160 You know a Bellender Bojangles? 163 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,840 Belinda Bojangles? 164 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,520 No, BELLENDER Bojangles. 165 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,160 Unusual name. 166 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,560 Though, we are in the US of A. 167 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,000 She's producing a new TV show set in a hospital, 168 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,960 it's the latest vehicle for Carmen. 169 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,000 You've heard of Carmen, right? No. 170 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,640 The audition is tomorrow. 171 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,320 I'm going to call Bellender now. 172 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,320 Brooke! That car! 173 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,120 Bell. 174 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,840 Sure. 175 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,280 Steven! Hi! 176 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,040 My name's Hoop Kaaak - 177 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,080 that's Kaaak with three As - director of the show. 178 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,520 Bellender's a little late, but, you know, that's all right. 179 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,920 We can get to know each other a little bit. Steven! 180 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,720 I'm Bellender Bojangles. I'm sorry I'm late. 181 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,960 Brooke has told me all about you. 182 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,600 I am so excited to meet you. 183 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,440 This is so super exciting. 184 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,640 Bellender, I love your shoes. 185 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:22,840 Oh, thank you. 186 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,280 They're the latest thing. 187 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,560 They're based on the horseshoes, which are actually nailed 188 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,200 on to your foot, so they're a perfect fit. 189 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,920 It's only very minor surgery, so... 190 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,560 Mm, they're great. 191 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:33,720 Hugs all round. 192 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,360 Oh! 193 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,360 What do we like here, Hoop? Hugs and smiles! 194 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,640 And what do we do here, Hoop? 195 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,880 We love entertaining people and we love making TV shows. 196 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,440 Do you want in, Steven? 197 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,560 Uh... I'm good, thanks. 198 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,400 I hear you just completed the doctor acting class 199 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,160 with Rich Chickentoss. 200 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,600 How'd that go for you? 201 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,320 We heard you kicked ass. 202 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,960 I didn't really do anything. 203 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,520 You are being humble, Steven. We don't do humble in this town. 204 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,000 Well, actually, the real reason why I am in this town 205 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,680 is cos I'm starring in the new Star Wars movie. 206 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,920 Yeah, sure. 207 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,160 Sorry? 208 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,040 Would you like to have a read of some of the script? 209 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,520 I'll find us some hard copies. 210 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,760 Uh, let me just stop you there, Hoop, if you don't mind. 211 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:23,000 Steven, would you be OK with improvising a little? 212 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,080 What? 213 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,560 I was thinking, you could just say some general doctor things. 214 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,080 You know, anything you like. 215 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,480 As long as they're doctor related. 216 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,840 Uh... 217 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:35,960 One more thing, Mrs Wisehunt. 218 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,280 Now, I've just seen your X-rays, 219 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,080 and you have six months to live. 220 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,040 Something else. 221 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,960 Are you unwell, Captain? 222 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,480 Oh, that's very good. 223 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:51,600 Really? 224 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,080 This is amazing. Keep going. 225 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,120 You try any more shit like that, Mrs Greenflash, 226 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,120 and I'll have to take your temperature. 227 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,720 Oh...! 228 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,480 Mother, you've got gout. 229 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:04,000 Probably due to the amount of whisky and cigars you consume! 230 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,880 That's so good. 231 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,200 Thank you. 232 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,720 May I ask, to be this good, I'm presuming you've worked 233 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,560 as an actual doctor, right? 234 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:15,800 No. 235 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,320 I once played a vet on an episode of The Archers on Radio 4, 236 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,480 but I think they lost the tapes. 237 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,960 It is uncanny. 238 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,000 I loved how you worked out that not only that your mother had gout, 239 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,240 but also how she got it. 240 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,440 Genius. Well, thank you. 241 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,560 You know, my own doctor was just fired for having sex 242 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,160 with his colleague's twin sisters. 243 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,760 Really? 244 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,360 Some guys have all the luck. 245 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,160 I'm sorry. 246 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,000 Yes... 247 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,200 Gina, would you tell everybody coming in later to audition 248 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,120 for the Doctor Grainger part not to bother? 249 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,760 Ooh, that's good. 250 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,760 I'm presuming you're new to LA, Steven? Where are you staying? 251 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,280 I'm staying with a friend. Well, he's not really a friend. 252 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,320 If I'm honest, I'm desperate to get out. 253 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,360 Well, I think you may be in luck. 254 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,840 I have a great place here in Beverly Hills, 255 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,240 but I recently moved out to Santa Monica. 256 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,080 Why don't you stay in my Beverly Hills apartment? 257 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,120 Really? 258 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,160 It's a fantastic penthouse. 259 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,440 Here, I'll give you the key now. 260 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:18,880 Thank you. 261 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,080 You can stay there as long as you want, rent-free obviously. 262 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,840 It's having a multi-million-dollar refurb at the moment. 263 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,280 But as soon as that's completed, it's all yours, Steven. 264 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:29,880 Should only be a couple of weeks. 265 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,280 Sounds splendid. 266 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,480 Welcome aboard, Steven! 267 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,920 My God, you are going to have such fantastic chemistry with Carmen. 268 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,880 She's in such a great place right now. 269 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,960 Remarried for the fifth time to Rodrigos, who we all love dearly. 270 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,880 You guys are going to be great together. 271 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,320 I'm so super excited to start! 272 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,520 Hot damn! 273 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:05,720 Thrust? 274 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:33,920 Steven. 275 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,080 You're here? 276 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,560 I've been here for three hours. 277 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,160 Ah, shoot! No-one told you? 278 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,360 No. 279 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,720 Oh. Sorry, Steven. 280 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,680 You see, Carmen is always three hours late. 281 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,520 So, if we say nine o'clock, we know she'll turn up at 12:00. 282 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,240 I'm so sorry, someone should have told you. 283 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,760 Hayley. 284 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,840 Why did you forget to tell Mr Toast not to turn up till 12:00? 285 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,240 Erm... 286 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,520 I don't think I was... 287 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,320 OK, Hayley. 288 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,360 Now I look like a douchebag in front of our actor. 289 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,640 So one of us has to leave the company. 290 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:11,920 Jesus, that's harsh. 291 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,360 My apologies, Steven. 292 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:14,880 That obviously won't happen again. 293 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,520 Come on, boys! 294 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,560 Come closer. 295 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,720 You know what turns me on! 296 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,880 ♪ So, take your time Take it slowly 297 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,200 ♪ Drink some wine It is lovely 298 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,480 ♪ Let's make love Nice and sexy 299 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,880 ♪ Let's make sex Nice and naughty 300 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,160 ♪ Fuck these bitches 301 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,080 ♪ Fuck 'em in the ass on my private jet... ♪ 302 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,600 What? # You're economy class 303 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,360 ♪ Suck my titties I'll smoke your grass... ♪ 304 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,560 Jesus. 305 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,440 ♪ Losing your mind when you're eating this ass... ♪ 306 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,320 Good God! 307 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,840 ♪ When you're eating this ass! 308 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,640 ♪ Eating this ass. ♪ 309 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,600 Hello, everybody! Hola! 310 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,800 Hello! 311 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,840 Mwah, mwah, mwah! 312 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,600 So, Hoop, you want to tell everyone a little bit about the show? 313 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,320 Yes. I'm Hoop Kaaak - 314 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,880 that's Kaaak with three As - the director of our show. 315 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,000 It's called The Hospital, 316 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,400 and it's about a hospital in New York for sick children, 317 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,760 which is run by a very conscientious doctor, called Doctor Grainger, 318 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,560 who will be played by Steven... 319 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,240 Steven, uh...? 320 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,200 Toast. Toast. 321 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,280 The hospital has no money, so the owners are forced to sell 322 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,640 to a glamorous, rich entrepreneur, called Trace Willoughby, 323 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,440 who is also a super bitch, 324 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,880 played by the extraordinary Carmen, 325 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,280 who, quite frankly, is no stranger to playing super bitches! 326 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,240 I am a super bitch! 327 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,880 Boo! Boo! 328 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,440 You love it. You love it! 329 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,000 You want it! 330 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,360 Boo! 331 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,840 Trace immediately plans to knock down the hospital 332 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,280 due to its value as prime real estate. 333 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,320 But can Doctor Grainger stop her and save the sick children? 334 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,760 Ooh! 335 00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,920 OK, let's start. 336 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,920 Scene one. Interior hospital. Day. 337 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,960 Splendid. 338 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,000 Well, I don't see why we can't get in touch with your mother 339 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,040 and she'll pick you up and home you go. 340 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,680 Would you like that? 341 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,800 Excellent. 342 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,480 Doctor Grainger. 343 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,360 You have until next Tuesday to get rid of these sick children 344 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,080 and find somewhere else to live. 345 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,040 You won't get away with this, Trace Willoughby. 346 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,200 I'll fight you every step of the way, you heartless witch. 347 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,440 And I know how your husband died. 348 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:36,200 Ha! Conrad died of natural causes! 349 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:40,160 How can an axe to the back of the head be described as natural causes? 350 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,240 I have one thing to say to you, Doctor Grainger. 351 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:45,760 What? 352 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,040 ♪ Fuck these bitches 353 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,840 ♪ Fuck 'em in the ass on my private jet 354 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,200 ♪ You're economy class 355 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,520 ♪ Suck my titties I smoke your grass 356 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,320 ♪ You'll be losing your mind when you're eating this ass... ♪ 357 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,480 Why does she have to sing a song in every bloody episode? 358 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,880 It's supposed to be a serious drama. 359 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,560 Cos she's a singer, not an actress. 360 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,360 She's not even Brazilian. 361 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,880 She's Irish. 362 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,760 Well, then, why not hire a non-singing actress? 363 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,800 Like every other hospital show. 364 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,440 Wait here, Toast. 365 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,920 I got to get my painkillers out of the trunk. 366 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,360 Right. 367 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:21,800 Oh...! 368 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,800 Ooh...! Hey, man. 369 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,920 I don't have any money and... 370 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,600 ..my mother will be back soon. 371 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,480 Jesus Christ! 372 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,040 Ha! He talks real funny. 373 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,160 Is he from the olden times? 374 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,720 Ew! 375 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,280 Look at all these creepy photos! 376 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,920 See you around, brother. 377 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,920 Must have left them on the gas station counter. 378 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,840 Goddamn it! 379 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,040 So, first show goes out tonight. 380 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,360 You excited? 381 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:03,640 Yeah. 382 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,240 Ah, give it a couple of weeks, people start kissing your ass 383 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,160 when you they see you, you'll know it's a hit! 384 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,840 ♪ Ray... ♪ 385 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,000 Good grief. Surely not. 386 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,960 ♪ Ray... ♪ 387 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,440 Oh...! 388 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,360 ♪ Ah! ♪ 389 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,680 Hey, Carmen. 390 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,560 What about those sick kids? 391 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,400 You're one shitty lady. 392 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,800 I don't care what you assholes think. 393 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,160 Why don't you go fuck yourselves? 394 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,880 Such language! 395 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,640 Not to mention, those poor sick children. 396 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:45,240 Who cares? I can get a billion dollars for that old building. 397 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,240 How do you like that, you weasel-faced witch? 398 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,560 But we all love you, Doctor Grainger. 399 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,560 You're my favourite on the show. 400 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,560 I'm not really Doctor Grainger. 401 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,640 It's a part. Play along, Toast. 402 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,360 They love it. 403 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:01,760 Hey, you two! Oh, yes! 404 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,120 Mwah! 405 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,360 Mm! 406 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:14,120 Oh, God, I love hugging people! 407 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,960 Yes, you do. 408 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,360 So, the show is a huge success. 409 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,240 Are you two getting great feedback? 410 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,240 Everyone loves a super bitch! 411 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,760 And I hear they love you, too, Steven. 412 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,240 Well, it's not me, is it? It's the character. 413 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,160 I've been wondering something, Steven, what is the whole story 414 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,520 behind the, uh... you know, the white? 415 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,040 I fell out of a tree, 416 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,640 like the Olympic swimmer, Duncan Goodhew. 417 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,200 OK, listen to this. 418 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:44,600 I got a letter from a couple who really love the show, uber fans, 419 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:49,880 but not only is the guy's mother a crazy super-duper fan of the show... 420 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,120 ..but especially of you, Steven Toast. 421 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,760 Really? 422 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,800 Oh, I got to get this. 423 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,360 It's Rodrigos. 424 00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:00,120 They have a small request. 425 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,800 Would you go and visit his mother in hospital? 426 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,640 She has not been well lately. 427 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:09,160 Are you serious? Doctor Grainger in an actual hospital? 428 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,240 It'll be great publicity for the show. 429 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,680 Rodrigos is gay! 430 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:15,840 I'm sorry? 431 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,880 Rodrigos is gay! 432 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,800 He just told me! 433 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,560 I am distraught! 434 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,480 I can't live with him any more! 435 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,080 Can I stay in your Beverly Hills place, please? 436 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,720 Of course. 437 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,680 No... 438 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,240 Steven, have you got the key to my apartment in Beverly Hills? 439 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,880 You haven't moved in yet, have you? 440 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,520 Well, I was planning on moving in today. 441 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,520 I packed all my belongings this morning. 442 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,800 Is the key in your apartment? 443 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,760 I think Carmen needs the place a bit more than you. 444 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,000 I mean, look at her. 445 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,320 He's gay! 446 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,840 We need that key. Oh...! 447 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,200 He has a boyfriend called Carlos! 448 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,560 They've been fucking for six months! 449 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:53,840 Toast! 450 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,000 Your stuff is still here. I thought you were moving out! 451 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,760 Who the hell are these two?! 452 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,280 You can't bring people here! 453 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:01,840 No-one should know where I am! 454 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,200 Yeah, this is Carmen, the pop legend. 455 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,160 How can you not know it's me?! 456 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,600 And this is Bell... I'm Bellender Bojangles. 457 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,120 I like to hug people when I meet them. 458 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:12,440 No, no, no. Oh, come on. 459 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:13,560 No, no, no. 460 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,760 No, no, no, he doesn't like close personal contact. 461 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,000 I say, Russ, you've trodden on her scarf. 462 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,640 Let me help with that. 463 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,400 Whoa! 464 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:22,600 Shit! 465 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,320 Oh! 466 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,120 Oh. That's lucky. 467 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,880 He landed on a soiled mattress. 468 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,000 Who is that old homeless man? 469 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,800 I don't believe it. My boy! 470 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,240 Not now, Dad. Just get off! 471 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,120 That's his father. 472 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:39,640 Get off! 473 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,720 Don't hug him! He doesn't like close personal contact! 474 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,840 Hey, Ma? 475 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:54,280 This here's Steven Toast. 476 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,520 You remember, you wrote him a letter? 477 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,040 She's a lot older than I expected. 478 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,920 She's 93. 479 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,640 She's been in and out of hospital constantly for the past, like, 480 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,440 what, 25 years. She fell down her steps last week. 481 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,360 Now she's completely fucked. Look at her. 482 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,880 We've had to visit her a lot. 483 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,160 I mean a lot. Way too much. 484 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,480 We're from New York, so it's a flight over here to see her. 485 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,440 It's a pain in the ass is what it is. 486 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,280 Yeah, but I imagine she can't help being ill. 487 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,280 Oh, yeah, right. OK, Steven! 488 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,800 Anyways, no point in hanging around. 489 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,640 The knob is there. 490 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,760 All you got to do is turn it to the right, and it'll all be over. 491 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,000 What?! 492 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,160 It was her last request. What was? 493 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,000 For you to turn off her life-support machine! 494 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,280 It was her dying wish! 495 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,880 Hey, look, time's tight here, honey. We got a plane to catch back home, 496 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,480 for the dogs, you know what I'm saying? 497 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,160 Hang on. What do the doctors think of this? 498 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,480 Oh...! 499 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,160 My mother hates the doctors, OK? 500 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,960 She could give two shits what they think. 501 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,360 She didn't want a doctor doing it. 502 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,000 She asked for you. 503 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,400 She loves that show you're in! 504 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,080 Don't do it... 505 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,960 She just said something. No... 506 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,120 I heard nothing. You hear something? I heard nothing. 507 00:22:58,120 --> 00:22:59,320 No, nothing. 508 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,160 This is some dark shit. 509 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,920 I shouldn't even be here. What...? 510 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,280 Steven! Steven, where you going?! 511 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:06,920 You come back here! 512 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:13,680 Yeah, sure, it's odd, but the main thing is, 513 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,640 the show is a big success. 514 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:17,800 Yes, it is. 515 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,880 Maybe I should ask Bellender for a pay rise. 516 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,920 Well, they signed you up for two seasons, 517 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,200 we agreed the same fee for both. 518 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,280 You want more dollars, she'll have to change the contract. 519 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,040 Yeah, I can be pretty persuasive when I try. 520 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,640 Let me have a word with her. 521 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,320 Why are you dressed like a clown? 522 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,560 I'm celebrating. I'm a star now. 523 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,320 You said yourself, people love my character. 524 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,960 Yes, of course they do, Steven! 525 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,280 It's no secret that Carmen gets paid a hell of a lot more than I do, 526 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,720 and she's staying in your fancy mansion. 527 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,360 I'm sorry, the contract is legally binding, 528 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:57,080 and there's not a thing I can do about it. 529 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:58,440 Bloody irritating. 530 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,600 Come on. Give me a hug. 531 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,120 No, no, I'm not going to fall for that hug bullshit. 532 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:04,400 Come on. 533 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,480 Oh, you big bear of a man. 534 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,480 The show is a success. 535 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,160 What more could you want? 536 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:16,080 Oh. There is another issue I'd like to talk about. 537 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:17,640 What issue? 538 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,160 There is a chance... you may be arrested for murder. 539 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,680 What?! 540 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,880 That family who contacted you, 541 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:31,840 did you turn off their mother's life-support machine? 542 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,600 No, I bloody did not! 543 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,720 Well, she's dead now, so somebody did, without a doctor present, 544 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,560 which kind of makes it a criminal matter. 545 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,640 The family did it, they couldn't wait to get rid of her. 546 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:41,920 They say you did it. 547 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,640 No, they asked me to do it. 548 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,120 Poor old girl hadn't even seen the show. 549 00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:50,440 If you were charged with murder, it would reflect badly on the show. 550 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:51,960 Not necessarily. 551 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,080 The LAPD are looking into it. 552 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,240 They say that there is footage of you fleeing the building. 553 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,120 Yeah, I was trying to get away from them. 554 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,720 I wouldn't mind, Steven. 555 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,040 But you're Doctor Grainger. 556 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:04,920 You're supposed to be the good guy. 557 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,400 I am the good guy. 558 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,760 Would you stop looking dubious? 559 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:15,240 Anyway, you can't fire me, I'm contracted for a second series. 560 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,840 And as you said yourself, it's legally binding. 561 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,680 Carmen! 562 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,480 You're three hours late, Steven. 563 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:39,680 Yeah, but I thought... 564 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,520 Since Rodrigos has left, now I am always on time. 565 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,200 OK, we've waited long enough. Let's start. 566 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,400 Scene one. Interior hospital. Night. 567 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:02,080 We see Trace Willoughby alone in the ward. It is late. 568 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,360 Doctor Grainger enters. 569 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,000 You wanted to see me, Mrs Willoughby? If it's about... 570 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,400 Trace Willoughby stabs Doctor Grainger with a knife. 571 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:13,000 He falls in a cowardly manner to the floor. 572 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,840 He lies there motionless, 573 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,240 like a piece of shit. 574 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,880 He's dead. 575 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,240 Very dead. 576 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,400 What? 577 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:23,720 Scene two. 578 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:26,120 Trace is with her attractive younger lover, Jim Buckstar, 579 00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,480 played by Sonny-Sam Disco. 580 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,080 Thank God that dog-faced limey weasel 581 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,960 is finally out of the picture, darling. 582 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,600 Here's to us, baby. 583 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,520 I have big plans for making millions of dollars 584 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,880 by selling the hospital! 585 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,240 I know you do. 586 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:57,600 It's part of a long-term plan for world domination. 587 00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:01,560 Can you imagine, the whole Trace Willoughby phenomenon 588 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,600 bigger than we've ever dreamed of. 589 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,360 I think I'd like an apartment in Paris... 39978

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