All language subtitles for The.Ex.2006.1080p.WEB.H264-DiMEPiECE.shd.eng-English

[music playing]

SOFIA KOWALSKI: Allan?

TOM REILLY: No.

SOFIA KOWALSKI: Christoper?

TOM REILLY: Hm, no.

Nigel?

No.

[sighs]

Leonard, that's cute.

That's so cute!

We have a little fat kid
that likes internet porn.

What about Hans?

What about Adolf?

That's great.

It rings, rolls off the tongue.

Charles!

It's a classic.

You can't find anything
wrong with Charles.

Are you kidding me?

Do you know what the
nickname for Charles is?

What?

Chucky.

How am I supposed
to fall asleep with

a little red-haired
toddler named Chucky

sleeping in the next room?

Just forget the book, OK?

We don't need the book.

Let's come up with our own name,
like Apple or Destiny's Child.

I got an idea.

Just look at me, right?

What's the first name
that pops into your head?

Doofus.

[giggles]

OK, you go.

First name that
pops into your head.

Boobies.

You want to name
our child Boobies?

I'm saying that I'm open to it.

Honey.

[toaster ding]

SOFIA KOWALSKI:
Sweetie, the book

says it's best to
come up with a name

before the birth of the baby.

[sighs]

Will you relax with the book?

You're obsessed.

Honey!

You know doing research makes
me feel more comfortable.

Speaking of which, I've
decided not to do an epidural.

What?

Yep.

Apparently, natural childbirth's
better for the baby.

But everybody says
the pain is unbearable.

Whatever's best
for Baby Big Nose.

Big nose?

Oh sorry that's just the
name that popped into my head

when I was looking at you.

Oh, that's very funny.

That's very funny.

[screams] [laughter]

Honey, please!

You're making me pee!

Whoa, whoa. Look at the time.

- I've got to go.
- Oh.

Promotion day.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Hey, I love you.

I love you.

Tom.

Tom.

Tom Reilly.

How the hell are you, man?

What's going on?

Good, Forrest.

How are you?

The last time I saw you,
you were with Sofia Kowalski.

Yeah, we... we got
married actually.

Way to go, man.

You know I was never one
of the people that said

she was out of your league.

In their face, right?

Yeah.

We're about to have a baby.

Congratulations
that's fantastic!

Yeah, good stuff.

My wife and I just did
that deal in December.

Kids are expensive
as hell though.

You know I just made
SVP at Armstrong,

making 500 grand a year and
we're barely making ends meet.

We just got a beach
house in the Hamptons.

Oh.

Piece of advice, you
want the most ass ever?

Please.

Get your wife a beach house.

Oh.

I'm serious I can't
keep her off my junk.

I'll have to remember that.

Hey, come out to
the Hamptons sometime.

We'll go sailing.

- I'll bring my yacht!
- Even better.

- OK.
- All right.

$500,000 a year,
can you believe that?

I went to school
with this idiot,

he's one of the stupidest
people I ever met.

Where did I go wrong?

Dude, you're a cook.

I know.

Should've become
a hedge fund guy,

I'd be getting ass
out in East Hampton.

OK people!

There's a lot of hungry
stockbrokers up there.

They're counting on you.

What's wrong?

Somebody left a bunch
of salmon out overnight.

Leon's docking everybody's pay.

That's ridiculous.

Well, you've got
to talk to him, Tom.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not me this time, guys.

Sorry.

Tommy, you're the only guy
that can stand up to him.

Paco, my wife's
about to have a baby.

I need this promotion.

Well this guy's going
to dock our pay, man.

[clapping]

Let's go, ladies!

I don't pay you to
stand around all day.

Hey, Summers.

Look I need you to
work on Sunday, OK?

Leon my sister's getting
married on Sunday, remember?

Oh. Well, you know what?

You got to tell me that when
I'm making out the schedule.

I can't keep track of
everyone's social life.

- I did tell you.
- I'll sub for him, Leon.

Paco, silencio.

Summers, I'm sorry.

You got to be here
Sunday, that's it.

I don't make the rules.

Oh wait, yes I do.

You got something to say Riley?

'Cause, uh, I'd love to hear it.

Leon, you're an asshole.

And you're fired.

What?

Oh, ay dios mio.

You heard me,
Banderas, hit the road.

Go on back to your
10-family shack

and watch Telemundo all day.

I don't give a shit, all right?

OK, we both got a
little carried away.

I admit it, you admit it.

Let's... let's just have
a cool down period, OK?

Do you want to use my apron?

I can get most of that off.

Are you kidding
me, [inaudible]??

You don't hit a guy
with a pork chop!

[music playing]

[screams]

Crazy bastard!

[clattering]

TOM REILLY: OK, no.

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Come on!

We're sor... We're sorry.

We're sorry. We're sorry.

We're sorry.

We're sorry.

You're fired too.

[screams]

[chatter]

[piano music]

Aha.

Forrest, here's some
pork on the house.

[chatter]

How's the ahi?

Oh I'm so fat.

Oh.

[stretches]

[sighs]

Don't give me that
crazy look, Kimmie.

I see you.

I have too much to do before
I got to get out of here.

KAREN: Hey, Sof.

Can I ask you something?

Do you really think you can
raise a kid on Tom's salary?

He's getting promoted
to Head Lunch Chef.

We're going to be fine.

I have to say I have a hard
time seeing you as a housewife.

I am not going
to be a housewife.

I'm going to be a full-time mom.

Of course, yeah.

[gasp]

What?

[phone ring]

Don't worry about it, man.

Hello?

Now?

Tom's self-conscious 'cause his

peep has a little curve to it.

[laughter]

But hey it still works, right?

[laughter]

What are you two giggling about?

Your cute little curve.

I'll get you another pillow.

Babe, please don't
talk about my curve.

My curve is private.

Sweetie, she's
our delivery nurse.

Eventually she's
going to see my vagina

and most likely watch me poop.

What now?

Most women poop at some
point during the birth,

I told you that.

No, no.

I'm pretty sure I
would remember that.

So, which way does it curve?

Don't answer that.

Left.

It's actually right,
it's just her left.

Come here, sweetie.

You look more nervous than I am.

I know.

It's OK.

Really.

It's the most natural
thing in the world.

Women have been doing
this for thousands

and thousands of ye...!

What the hell was that?

I told you those contractions
were going to get stronger.

But don't worry, you
still have some time

before they get real nasty.

That wasn't nasty?

That wasn't nasty?

Hell no.

Tom, I think I changed my mind.

I want the drugs.

Now?

I... I... I could probably
score you some weed.

Sophia, you turned
down the epidural.

And the anesthesiologist
is in surgery now.

Baby, what about
all the research?

Screw the research.

Get me the drugs.

[music playing]

I'm sorry, I was told
the black, bald guy

at the counter who's
always trying to get

some is an anesthesiologist.

Is that you?

That is me but I'm going
home in just a second.

Oh, can I just talk to you for...

Sorry, that goes there.

My wife turned down her epidural
and now she totally regrets it.

She's in a lot of pain...

I... I'm very sorry
but you're going

to have to speak to one
of the anesthesiologists

that are on call.

So I'm just trying
to get out of here

because in a few minutes
I'm going to crack this...

Excuse me.

We can't find anybody else.

Excuse me.

Do you not see two grown
folks talking right here?

Can you respect that?

[indistinct conversation]

[screams]

Honey, I found one.

Can you please
get me an epidural?

Please?

Ah, much better.

Thank you so much.

I'm just glad I
could help, Sofia.

All right, you
can take him away.

Trying to steal a
brother's Hummer.

Please forgive me.

He was just trying to help me.

Don't make him miss
his son being born.

There must be
something we can do.

Babe, uh, we still don't
have a name for our son.

Ah.

What's your name?

Hakeem.

What's your last name?

Oliver.

TOM REILLY: Hey, Oliver.

[yawns]

He's beautiful.

Uh, baby?

A funny thing happened
at work today.

TOM REILLY: It's
a setback, baby.

But we're going to
get through this.

The important thing
is that we have

a beautiful, perfect,
handsome, baby boy, right?

[intercom voice]

And we love each other, right?

Do you remember how
we decided that I was

going to stay home
with our baby and you

were going to support us?

But Sofia, it was the
principle of the thing.

You should have seen this go...

It's always the
principle of the thing!

First it was a museum
job, but then you

didn't want to turn into a
pretentious social climber.

Then you decide to
become a magazine

writer, which lasts until you
tell your editor he's a whore.

Not an actual whore, Sofia.

A whore to the
entertainment industry.

You speak your mind and you
can smell bullshit a mile away

and that's what
I love about you.

But sooner or later
people make compromises!

They don't like what they
do, they hate their boss,

they're bored most of the time,
that's what having a job is!

Mm-hmm.

OK, well.

What if this whole thing
was a message from God?

What do you think
God's trying to tell us?

Maybe he's trying to tell
us that it's time for us

to move out of New York City.

I could finally take your
dad up on his job offer.

[MUSIC PLAYING - A.C. NEWMAN,
"MIRACLE DRUG"]

[music playing]

[SINGING] He was tied to
the bed with a miracle

drug in one hand.

In the other, a great lost
novel that, I understand

was returned with
a stamp that said,

thank you for your interest...

Woohoo!

Ohio!

Look, Oliver!

Yes!

[SINGING] his soul for a
perilous slide into crime.

He had decided that he would
err on this side of divine.

Being told this was wise.

A lot of white people
in this neighbourhood.

[SINGING] payback with
interest in due time.

So why all the history now?

[baby noises]

Kids!

Welcome.

Great, it's your parents.

They're in our house already.

Look at that baby!

I'm gonna eat you!

I'm gonna eat you.

Ah!

Oh.

Your stuff got
here safe and sound.

Not that you had very much.

Well, dad, our
apartment in New York

was about the size
of this porch.

I love it, go ahead.

Whose furniture is this?

Surprise.

Got you a little
housewarming gift.

BOB KOWALSKI: You
know having a job

completely changes a man, Tom.

It's not just about the money,
it's about having a purpose.

It's about feeling
proud of yourself.

Dad...

You know I've been
employed before, Bob.

No I'm not talking about a cook.

I'm talking about a real job.

Dad, Tom was a chef, not a cook.

A chef's a cook, right?

Personally, I think
being a cook is a real job.

BOB KOWALSKI: You want
a tip on how to succeed,

you take a look
at this girl here.

Did you know that your
wife was Phi Beta Kappa?

That she got 170 on the LSAT?

I know that, Bob.

If you remember we've
been dating since college.

[speaking Spanish] [cheep]
[cheep] Oh, don't eat me.

I'm for grown-ups.

You know who I'm putting
in charge of training Tom?

Chip Sanders.

Oh, great.

TOM REILLY: So what's
this Chip guy like?

I haven't seen him for years.

We were in
cheer leading together.

Which reminds me,
when are you going

to dig out one of your
cheer leading outfits

and do a little routine for me?

I don't know.

Are you going to score
a touchdown for me?

[WHISPERS] Oh I will
score you a touchdown, yeah.

[kissing sound]

Tom, don't.

It's just, Oliver
eats from there.

It just seems kind of weird.

I'm sorry, maybe it's
just a little too early.

Is that OK?

Of course it's OK.

Of course.

It's totally fine.

OK.

[baby noises]

Wish me luck, family members.

[kissing sound]

SOFIA KOWALSKI: Hm.

Give him hell.

I'll miss you guys.

[music playing]

[chatter]

[singing]

Tom!

Hi.

Welcome to Sunburst.

Thank you.

Oh I should have told you.

Suit and tie is not required.

Casual Friday everyday, huh?

No, it's not business casual.

We tried that.

It's business appropriate.

It's about being yourself,
but in an appropriate way.

It's kind of special.

Oh.

You know, I've been
here longer than anybody.

30 years.

Last year, a
visionary took over.

His name, Don Wollebin.

Guys!

Guys, I want you
to meet Tom Reilly,

our new assistant
associate creative.

[BOTH] Hey, Tom.

It's Manny.

- He's Doug.
- Oh oh.

- Oh oh.
- Oh.

Oh oh. DOUG: What's that?

What you trying to do?

Is that going somewhere?

It's off.

Catch.

Whoa.

Whoops.

Nice, Manny!

Can't let my man down.

You got to catch it, Tom.

The yes ball gets thrown
around the office all day long.

It's a way of showing
that we're all in sync.

Oh.

Once you start thinking
about stuff in a new way,

it'll turn your whole
world upside down.

Ha ha.

Come on.

[WHISPERS] Oh my god.

BOB KOWALSKI: People just
aren't eating as much fried fish

anymore.

So Don says, let's
shift the paradigm.

Forget fried fish, let's
reinvent the tartar sauce

as a hamburger spread,
call it Pickle Whip,

and sell it to teenagers.

That's classic Wollebin.

[laughter]

BOB KOWALSKI: No question.

Now last but not least, I
want to introduce all of you

to our new assistant associate
creative, Tom Reilly!

[applause]

Thank you all.

I'm sure that this
experience will...

Sit down, Tom.

It's all right.

Hey, Tom.

[laughter]

MAN: Throw it.

[chatter]

BOB KOWALSKI: Yes!

Oh I don't want too many.

Or do I?

[chatter]

Go long!

Come on, buddy.

You got to jump for those.

Uh, unfortunately I

I can't.

And I... and I haven't been
able to, Tom, since I was five.

It's great to meet you though.

My name's Chip Sanders.

This is the guy you're
going to be working under.

[music playing]

Hey, Chip.

I... I'm really sorry
about what just happened.

I feel like an idiot.

Hold it right there, Tom.

We don't apologize at Sunburst.

You know the Japanese have
a term called moushiwake.

It's a way of
saying you're sorry

and taking responsibility.

At Sunburst, if you feel
you've fallen short,

you write a moushiwake on one
of these little yellow pads.

Here, there you go.

Just go ahead, write it down.

Chip, I'm sorry I threw
the imaginary ball...

It's supposed to be silent.

Tom, don't you worry about it.

If I got depressed
every time somebody

made a joke at my expense,
I'd never get out of bed.

Oh, I wasn't making a joke.

I didn't

Tom, you'll be working
under the best here.

Oh, sticky.

I'm sorry.

Chip just won Ohio
Advertiser of the Year.

Oh, congratulations.

I don't do it for the awards.

He created Senor Tomato for
the Ketchup Caliente Campaign.

Caliente!

[laughter]

[speaking Spanish]

I love this guy.

Yeah I'm pretty proud of him.

There's not a lot of Latino
characters in advertising.

Oh he seems like a
really nice role model.

Well it's nice to do
well, but also to do good.

[speaking Spanish]

[baby laughs]

SOFIA KOWALSKI:
Look whose awake.

It's Mr. Stinky Winky.

[baby laughs]

It's Mr. Stinky Winky's pinkies.

You made mommy a nice
little poo, a stinky poo.

Yes you did.

[adult baby talk]
He backed away.

His hand holding the
purple crayon shook.

You don't understand a
word I'm saying, do you?

Johnson told the Senate
subcommittee he was satisfied

with the President's budget,
even though it represented

a 6% decrease from last year.

[music playing]

So, you married Sofia Kowalski.

You are one lucky man.

Thanks.

You love her, Tom?

Oh yeah.

You earn her love
every single day?

I believe I do, Chip.

That's all I need to hear.

So listen, I want you to know
that I don't care whether you

got this job through
family connections

or had to earn it
like the rest of us.

What's important is that
you're here and that's awesome.

OK, well.

I'm... I'm just excited
to jump in, whatever you

got for me just let me know...

Hang on there, killer.

We're going to walk
before we run, OK?

Did you see Karate Kid?

Yeah.

Miyagi, Macchio.

OK?

And right now we're in the
wax on, wax off period.

Advertising here,
advertising never here.

TEEN [ON TV]: She and my
mom got in a heated argument

and my mom took
her to the ground

and started hitting her while
my dad stood over top laughing.

MAN 1 [ON TV]:
Did you later find

out that that was not true?

Hearsay.

MAN 2 [ON TV]:
[inaudible] hearsay.

MAN 1 [ON TV]: Did you
ever hear your sister

say that she hated your mother?

TEEN [ON TV]: Constantly.

Hi.

Hi.

What are doing?

Nothing.

Are those Snaps?

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

CHILD: It's pretty stupid.

My dad won't let me
watch TV anymore.

That's bullshit, dude.

Yeah.

This is all I can do.

You want to trade?

Just kidding.

Uh, that on...
That one was a dud.

It happens.

So during the school year, I
live with my mom in New Jersey.

And I spend the summer
here with my dad.

But he's at work all the time.

And all my friends
live back in Parsippany

so it's pretty [inaudible].

[music playing]

Hey, think fast.

[laughs] I'm just
messing with you.

I'm Carol, by the way.

Tom.

Hey, Tom.

- Can I give you some advice?
- Yeah.

Get out of here.

Run, run as fast as you can.

Walk out that door
and don't look back.

I'm just kidding.

[laughs] But not really.

[laughs] This is
going to be awesome.

Somebody's eating Chip's yogurt.

CHIP SANDERS: Yo,
Carol, watch your legs.

No breaks, thank you.

How we doing, gang?

Huh?

[music playing]

Uh oh.

Either one of you
two guys seen wh...

[music playing]

Is this your yogurt?

Uh huh.

Oh 'cause... 'cause Bob had
said something about, like,

free snacks in the kitchen.

Muffins.

Muffins are for everyone.

Yogurt's mine,
everyone knows that.

But listen, my
fault, you're new.

I'll just... I'll just
go buy you another one.

No no.

I'm your mentor, I
should've told you.

I'll go hungry today,
that'll be my punishment.

No no, please.

At least finish
the rest of this.

No, you've already
done about 2/3

of that, why don't
you finish it off.

OK? Enjoy.

It's peach, my favorite.

I give you one week.

SOFIA KOWALSKI: Who is that?

Who is that?

Hi, Dad.

Dad, I pooped today.

What did you do?

Can you please change
my diaper, Dad?

My dad loves Chip.

He's like the son he never had.

What about me?

It's totally different.

You're his son-in-law.

Chip's a great guy, babe.

He just, I don't know, he seems
a little angry or something.

Well maybe you'd be a
little angry too if you'd

lost the use of your legs.

It's not that.

I don't... I don't know.

He just... he's nice.

I just... I think he
might have a dark side.

Tom, is your first
week on the job.

I really hope you're
not picking a fight.

I'm not saying
anything bad about him.

Everybody has a dark
side, I have a dark side.

I'm very dangerous.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Come here.

[toilet flushes]

'Sup?

Who is that person?

That's Wesley, he's dad
doesn't want him to watch TV.

I don't see the wisdom of
selling directly to consumers.

Do you remember we spoke
about Smith and Hawkins, Sir?

2000% sales growth?

We've got a
three-pronged strategy,

web advertising, product
partnerships, and print ads.

Actually, it's a
four-pronged strategy.

You forgot about direct mailing.

Direct mailing is not
part of this strategy.

Actually it is.

No it's not.

Uh, it is Chip.

If you'd took the time to
read the report like I did.

Pages 23 through
29, direct mailing.

I specifically
said no junk mail.

Now, no junk mail means
no direct mailing!

Did my son say
you could do this?

This meeting is over.

Goodbye.

[sighs]

I'm really sorry.

I guess I shouldn't
have said that.

That report was for
internal distribution only.

That's what for internal
distribution only means.

Mr. Hordhaus' son asked
us not to tell his father

about the direct mailing.

Because in five years, when
direct mailing takes effect,

Mr. Hordhaus will be dead.

MR. HORDHAUS [ON INTERCOM]:
I can still hear you.

[sighs]

I guess you can kiss
that account goodbye.

Bob, I'm really sorry.

I mean moushiwake.

I'll... I'll write a, I'll
write a moushiwake, Bob.

Bob, if anybody should be
writing a moushiwake, it's me.

Tom is my responsibility.

Chip, please.

He's the one who screwed up.

Wollebin gets back
from Nepal tomorrow.

I don't want to tell him
you blew a major account

on your second day.

I'm going say it was me.

Oh, no no.

No I can't let you take the
rap for that, let me do it.

Absolutely not, Chipper.

It's my family, I'll
clean up the mess.

Well thank you, Bob.

I... I appreciate that.

Let's go back to work.

[music playing]

Hey, uh, Tom?

It's probably none
of my business

but, um, I doubt I'd ever
let my father-in-law take

the bullet for me like that.

You know what, Chip, it
is none of your business.

Sofia.

We are the Tigers!

And we're not cocky.

But we'll run you over...

[BOTH] Like a kawasaki.

Vroom vroom! [Laughs]

Hey, baby

Sofia... hey!

Let me... let me...
Let me see the baby.

Let me see the baby.

Oh my gosh, look
what you've made!

Who's the father?

Have you found him?

[laughs] Sofia, ready, OK.

Remember this?

[BOTH] Let me tell you
what we are, W-I-N-N-E-R.

That's it.

Second half, second half.

[BOTH] Let me tell you
what you are, L-O-S-E-R!

That's great.

And Riverside
Tigers out of sight.

[BOTH] Riverside
Tigers dynamite.

And that guy.

Hang on, hang on.

Explode!

Explode.

Explode!

[laughs]

Explode?

Come on, you remember
our song, Chips Ahoyers.

Come on, I got you.

Ready?

Ha.

Explode!

[applause]

Oh yeah.

I can't believe he
remembered all the moves.

Oh yeah, he's a real champ.

Bet he had a huge crush on
you in high school, didn't he?

[laughs]

Well, we did sort
of have sex once.

What?

I thought you said he was
paralyzed from the waist down.

Well, not completely.

So, you just like forgot
to tell me about it.

Sweetie it was a long time ago.

I didn't want you thinking
about that when you met the guy.

It's just... I don't
know, it's gross.

I think you showed
really bad judgment.

Why?

Because no offense to
Chip, but he's a dick.

You're not really
jealous, are you?

Don't you know I'm saving
my special cheer for you?

You have a special cheer?

Yeah.

Really?

Can I see it?

Show me upstairs.

[door closes]

Hi.

Hello, Wesley.

Can I get you anything?

Hm, I'm all right.

Got my twizzer.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

[inaudible]

So you, uh, spend any time at
your own house there, Wesley?

Wesley's mom lives in New
Jersey, and his dad works late.

Oh.

Well I'm glad we could help out.

Welcome to the family, Wesley.

Thanks, Tom.

Hey, guys.

You want to see
something really cool?

Sure.

SOFIA KOWALSKI: Oh.

Oh.

[laughs]

Wesley, you're going
to hurt yourself.

That was awesome.

Wait a second, this is it.

What are you doing?

The Pickle Whip Campaign.

This is how I'm going
to redeem myself.

You got to promise me you're
never going to do that again.

Do that again.

Nah, I don't feel so good.

Oh come on, buddy.

I need this for work.

I don't know.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

Tom!

Done and done.

[music playing]

There's my little Karate Kid.

You know, Tom, when I told you
to meet me at the gym at 7:45,

I didn't mean 47.

I'm so sorry, Chip.

Listen, I think I have
a really cool idea

for the Pickle Whip Campaign.

- Last night...
- you know what.

First of all, I need
you to calm down.

I'm pretty calm.

Great, we're going to start
by just painting the fence.

You know what I mean?

Because today is not for work
ideas, today is for bonding.

We're going to exercise
together like men.

You know how to exercise
like a man, Tom?

I'm guessing there won't
be any Pilates, right?

[brakes screech]

Of course there won't
be any Pilates, Tom.

I've got wheels for legs, OK?

I can never do Pilates.

No matter how super you and
your little sissy friends think

it is.

We're going to play basketball.

You play basketball?

That's right.

Of course you do, all right.

Well, we'll play basketball.

Could you hold that for me?

Thank you.

[sighs]

[chatter]

Chip, no.

Tom, yes.

I already told the guys
you were going to join us.

Come on, you're
going to love it.

I don't feel comfortable
doing that, man, I'm sorry.

Oh come on.

What do you mean comfortable?

We do this all the time
with able-bodied guys,

you'll have fun.

Well if they're
all cool with it.

Absolutely they're cool with it.

Are you cool with it?

Are you down?

Come on, get in
there and saddle up.

The rules are basically the
same, except for the dribbling.

OK?

Player in possession of the
ball may not push his chair

more than twice in
succession with one

or both hands in
either direction

without first tapping the
ball to the floor again.

OK?

Basically two consecutive
pushes constitutes

a traveling violation.

You got that, right?

Oh and don't move your legs
at all during the game,

the players consider
that poor etiquette.

Fellas!

Oh boy.

CHIP SANDERS: Hello hello.

All right, listen.

I'm going to play with Eddie.

New guy, you get the Colonel.

Colonel?

- You any good?
- No.

- Can you shoot?
- No.

- [inaudible]?
- Slow.

Good at defense?

I'm more of a
beginner, actually.

I like you.

Thank you.

You're honest.

I don't like fakers.

I don't like fakers.

Nobody likes a faker, sir.

Just, uh, try your best.

And by all means, keep your
hands in off the guard rails.

Or else, somebody could
come along and smash!

Ah!

Game on, guys.

Thought we're teammates?

CHIP SANDERS: Hey bro, you
can't leave me up here!

CHIP [VOICE OVER]:
Watch this, huh.

Which way do you want me to go?

No, this way.

And that's a pick.

Right back.

Here comes a score.

That's a little defensive, you
need to learn how to play, OK?

Focus.

[music playing]

[chatter]

This way, buddy.

[music playing]

Ah!

MAN 3: Sorry.

[chatter]

I'm open!

Ah!

What!

MAN 4: That's going to happen.

Get that thing in here.

Move it!

OK, 10-10.

Game point.

Bring it.

Ball's in.

Right, work it back around.

Here we go.

Hey!

You missed it!

Back to me.

This is what you want, pal.

Hey!

Shoot, kid!

[chatter]

Ooh ooh.

[laughs]

In your face!

MAN 5: Good job.

Guys, his leg just moved.

MAN 5: What?

What are you talking about?

MAN 5: Oh my gosh.

You can walk?

Uh, I think there
must be a little bit

of a misunderstanding.

Chip, can you?

Ooh ooh, looks like trouble.

[chatter]

Moushiwake on the
whole mix-up thing, Tom.

In my defense, I
was able to pry you

from the Colonel's death
grip about five seconds

after you blacked out.

Thank you so much, Chip.

Don't you mention it.

You're my dog.

All right, let's
go take a shower.

Did you bring your shampoo?

No, uh... oh my god.

Ah!

Careful.

You want to put the towel
around your waist, or

I'm all set.

Now, Tom, didn't you want
to tell me a little idea

for the Pickle Whip Campaign?

No, I'm... I'm cool.

Good, 'cause you're still real
new at the company, big guy.

All right?

You're a long ways from being
ready to pitch any ideas,

let's not get ahead
of ourselves, OK?

Fine.

And, Tom, it's
OK to look at him.

He likes it.

Don't ya?

[music playing]

Ow!

You, uh, you hit my face.

If you want to feel your
insignificance in the vastness

of the universe, I
mean really feel it,

try boarding in the Himalayas.

You, inspire me.

Sorry about your face, brother.

That's Don Wollebin.

Oh.

Power Pickle.

He's Senor Tomato,
only less Mexican,

and twice the attitude.

Power Pickle loves
extreme skating,

he loves extreme snowboarding,
also enjoys extreme skydiving.

Most of all, he enjoys
extreme lunching.

[laughs]

That's good.

It's phallic.

Oops.

That feels like a commercial.

Exactly.

Nobody likes commercials.

You know, that's true too.

Well I have something
actually, uh...

Who's this?

Uh, uh, this is Tom Reilly.

He's our new assistant
associate creative.

Tom, it's... it's... it's...
Generally the creatives,

or the associate creatives,
who make these proposals.

It is better to listen to a
wise beggar than a rich fool.

I want to hear the beggar.

OK, thank you.

I... I saw this kid do this kind
of funny trick the other day.

And, I don't know, I think
it would make a hilarious ad.

You... tell me what
you guys think.

[laughter]

No way!

MAN 6: That's funny.

Congratulations, Tom.
You did it.

Oh.

[applause]

Tom, I want you going down
to Lion's Pride tomorrow

to show this thing
to Jack Connor.

Chip?

Boss?

You're Tom's
wing-man on this thing.

Wing-man is.

How about that?

Do you mountain bike?

Uh, yeah.

I just... whenever I...
Whenever I get the chance

I mean, there's some
amazing trails around here,

especially at dawn.

It's all inspiring.

We should go sometime, hm?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, great.

I got to get a bike.

[guitar playing]

TOM REILLY: Hey, I hope
there's no hard feelings 'cause

I thought your
whole extreme pickle

thing was... was really cool.

When he was like,
you know, skydiving...

Tom.

Let me tell you something, if
you think I care about Power.

Pickle, you're sorely mistaken.

OK?

I can think up ideas
like that in my sleep.

And someday, when I'm
kicking ass in Barcelona,

I'm going to look back
on this whole campaign

as some sad,
pathetic, little joke.

He said that?

I have no idea what
he was talking about.

There's this ad agency
in Barcelona called Idea.

They're like cutting
edge euro geniuses.

Chip applied for a job there.

Nobody's supposed
to know about it

but I saw him
mailing off a bunch

of Senor Tomato figurines.

That guy is out of his mind.

Tell me about it.

He is great in the sack though.

How do you know?

Nancy slept with
him last Christmas.

She said it was the
best sex she ever had.

Apparently he can like
balance on his arms,

and then the angle
makes it intense

- because you're sitting...
- Yeah, I really

I don't want to
hear about it, OK?

What the hell?

What?

Someone stole the
picture of my wife.

[doorbell rings]

Sofia Kowalski.

Abby March, wow.

Hey!

It is so good to see you.

And who is this little guy?

This is Oliver.

Petey?

Petey, do you want
to give Oliver a hug?

Yeah?

Oh, that's a big yes!

Yes.

Oh yes.

Loves, oh, oh loves.

Loves for your new friend.

Oh.

The akana as an a aids
indigestion, and helps

with gas and constipation.

Shall we ask permission?

[chatter]

Did you need some?

Um?

Its Bag Balm, and dairy farmers

use it as a moisturizer
for cow udders.

And it is the best thing in
the world for sore nipples.

It's wonderful.

Right.

BOB KOWALSKI: Tom,
look at this lamp.

Wollebin just gave this to me
to thank me for hiring you.

Wow.

You know, it hasn't
been exactly smooth

for me since he took over.

Hm.

Anyway, I just wanted
to tell you that I think

you're doing a great job, son.

Well thank you, dad.

Have you seen my whales?

What?

Have I showed you my whales?

No.

Sometimes I just sit in
here and stare at them.

It's so peaceful.

I even give them names.

That one... ow fuck!

Are you OK?

That lamp is hotter than shit!

[music playing]

[baby crying]

Shh.

Come on, buddy.

[baby crying]

Hi.

Hello, wife.

Hello, child.

Daddy's home.

He's been like this all day.

Oh no.

What's wrong [inaudible] bear?

Come here, little bear.

Come on, you've
got to be kidding me.

What's with the bike?

TOM REILLY: It's hot, right?

Wollebin asked me to go
mountain biking with him.

He asked me right after
he put me in charge

of the Pickle Whip Campaign.

$1,200?

Oh, babe, a b...

A bike like that
should cost 1,500.

Try and bend those rims, try.

Kick them.

You can't bend
those rims, they're

called high performance rims.

Honey, you've never been
mountain biking in your life.

Look, if you want me to return
the bike, I'll return the bike.

I want you to return the bike.

You know what?

No, I'm not going
to return the bike.

Because I think physical
fitness is important

and I think it's
good for my career.

My day was terrible.

This girl I hated in
high school came over

and made me go to her
baby group and everyone

called me a bad mommy.

You're an amazing mommy.

Daddy gets the go mountain
biking with Wollebin.

Chip can't go mountain biking.

Tom.

It was a joke.

I don't think making fun of
people's handicap is funny.

It was a joke.

Asleep in under five minutes.

Daddy's got the magic touch.

So what does Wesley get out
of this whole Pickle Whip thing?

I already got him
to sign a release.

He gets $1,000 if the ad airs.

What you doing?

It's Bag Balm, Tom.

These are for cow's udders.

Rub on udders.

Wow.

I don't know, sweetie.

It just feels like the whole
thing's a little exploitative

of Wesley.

Oh, I get it.

I think I see what's happening.

Somebody's a little jealous.

What?

Oh come on.

You're used to being
the star and now I'm

in the limelight a little bit.

It's probably driving
you crazy, admit it.

Admit it.

Score a touchdown...

It's not going to happen, Tom.

Use the Bag Balm.

CHIP SANDERS: Jack,
good to see you again.

How are you?

Please meet Tom
Reilly, he's been

helping me out on the campaign.

Riley, is it?

Do you have Irish blood
in you, by any chance?

Me father's father
was an Irishman.

So I have a wee bit
of the leprechaunry.

Are you making fun of me?

No I'm... I'm sorry.

I... I... I thought that
was a fake accent.

Why?

I don't know.

I... I... I don't know.

Well that was unfortunate.

Jack, you're going to
love the new campaign.

Let's jump right in.

[laughter]

I mean, is that something?

Is that incredible or what?

When I saw that kid,
I said that's it.

We've all just said hello to
the new face of Pickle Whip.

Well done, Chip.

Thanks so much, Jack.

I'm so sorry, but you're going
to all have to excuse me.

Jack, [whispers]

Oh, certainly, of course.

Great.

And Tom, do us a favor
please, and present the market

penetration strategy.

Market penetration strategy.

Something that's very important
to today's youth market.

Penetration.

Um, let's stick with long range,
because that way we know we're

going to maximize P, profit.

Isn't p price?

You're thinking of upper
case, this is a lower case.

P. Write that down, here we go.

Next slide.

[chatter]

That's just J and Q. There
they are, next slide.

Have you talked to Chris
about the penetration strategy?

Chris?

Chris Caldwell.

Your director of
market research.

Oh, Chris Chris.

Chris Chris, yes.

I talked to him this
morning, he loves it.

Chris Caldwell is a woman.

Yes.

Why did you say he?

It's a little joke we have.

Everybody calls Chris a he
because she looks like a man.

She had a little mustache.

But it's gone, she...
She... she waxed it.

She looks great.

If you guys see her, you got
to tell her how good she looks.

Because we're all...
We're all proud of her.

Tom?

Sorry I had to duck out, how'd
the rest of the meeting go?

How do you think it went, Chip?

You left me high
and dry in there.

I'm sorry, I had
a medical emergency.

Yeah right.

What kind of emergency?

Well I don't really enjoy
talking about it in front

of other people,
but if you must know

I sometimes have a bladder
control problem, OK?

It's very embarrassing but
it is one of the things

that you have to
deal with when you're

paralyzed from the waist down.

[music playing]

[indistinct voices]

BOB KOWALSKI: A toast.

You know, Tom, to be honest
for a long time Amelia

and I have been wondering
how long it's going to take

you to get your act together.

Bob!

Amelia, please!

It's taken you awhile, but you
finally realized who you are.

You're an ad man.

To Tom Reilly.

Ad man.

TOM REILLY: You look
up to me now, buddy.

But when you get a
little bit older,

you're going to realize
that your dad has absolutely

no idea what he's doing.

[baby sounds]

I don't want to
go back out there.

I don't want to go back out
there, so how about you and me,

we're just going to
sit in here until you

crap your pants again.

OK?

Are you OK?

Yeah, why?

Chip said and you
blew up at him today.

What?

He called you?

He called me because
he was worried about you.

He said you were
acting kind of hostile.

I'm acting hostile?

Oh my god that son of a bitch.

Jack Connor tore me a
new asshole this morning.

What the hell is
the matter with you?

Bob, moushiwake, OK?

But Chip hung me out to dry.

Jack said that you
made fun of his mother

for having a mustache.

That's not true.

I said Chris Caldwell
had a mustache.

Chris Caldwell
doesn't have a mustache!

I know, but I
thought Chris Caldwell

was a man because Chris
is often a man's name.

Three creatives came
to me this morning

and said that you
were humiliating.

Chip about his disability!

Chip is trying to sabotage me!

Chip was trying to mentor you!

He came to me and said,
how can I help him?

Don't you see?

That's part of his plan!

He's like a... he's like a
mind game genius, that guy!

You know, you may not care
that I put my job on the line

to get you hired.

But you moved your family
1,000 miles for this,

you've got to pull
yourself together!

Just washing our hands.

Yeah, I just put
him down for a nap.

I'm desperate for a
little grown-up talk.

Did de Palma come back to you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah
we got a court date.

No... no no the other file no.

Honey, I'm so sorry
it's crazy here.

Can I call you later?

Sure.

Hey, Tom.

Wait up.

Sorry about that back there.

Rough times, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, looks like someone could
use a good listener, buddy.

Huh?

I just don't think I fit
into this place, Manny.

Oof, I've been there, man.

You?

You are Sunburst!

What are you talking about?

Oh you think so, huh?

The second I bought
this little guy,

made me feel a
whole lot more him.

- OK.
- Want to try it on?

No no.

Why don't you keep it?
'Cause that's yours.

It's not really a
hipness thing, I just

I'm not getting along
with Chip at all

and that's really
starting to mess up

my relationship with my wife.

Well, I think
today's your lucky day.

I'm studying to be a
marriage counselor.

Really?

Yeah.

I thought it'd be a
great way to meet women.

And men.

Oh, wow.

Guess that increases
your odds, huh?

Yeah, you know, I like
having sex with women.

But men are better cuddlers,
you know what I mean?

Sure, sure I do.

Well, at this point, Manny,
I would try anything.

I love my wife so much
but I don't even know

how to talk to her anymore.

You know?

How am I supposed to
tell her I'm miserable

when she's so happy here?

[laughter]

Sofia, remember
that the laughter

starts deep within and then just
comes ro... ro... rolling out.

Ha ha ha.

Yeah, I really only laugh
when something funny happens.

I've noticed that
Oliver isn't very happy.

He never smiles.

He smiles all the time.

He's... he just isn't
smiling right now.

Now you're not going
to like this, Sofia.

But you are a very
unhappy person

and I don't think
it's good for Oliver.

You're not going to
like this either, Abby,

but you're an idiot.

And your son,
Petey, is a dipshit.

It's OK.

[baby crying]

I know, sweetie.

Here, it's Professor Polar Bear.

It's Professor Polar Bear.

It's Professor Polar Bear.

[horn honks]

[baby crying]

Let's start by taking
a nice, deep breath.

Just relax.

OK?

[phone rings]

Mom!

Mom answer the phone!

So sorry.

Mom!

Answer the phone and don't come
down here I'm having a session!

[phone rings]

Many of the exercises
I'm studying

are a little new agey
so I hope you guys will

just trust me and roll with it.

Sure.

Sure, mate.

Great.

Let's start by holding
each other's genitals.

OK, I'm leaving.

No, not... not holding, poking.

No you're not poking anything.

Babe, he's kidding.

Tell me you're kidding?

I'm kidding.

Sort of lighten the
mood, that's all.

- Lightening the mood, come on.
- That's all that is.

OK, you know what?

Don't sit down, I've
got an exercise.

This is called I'm upset bat.

It's a great way to get to
the root of hurt feelings.

You'll each complete
the sentence,

I'm upset that, and then
tap each other with the bat.

OK?

Now, Sofia, you go first.

Um, I'm upset that you
bought that mountain bike.

Now tap him.

Good.

Tom.

Oh I'm upset that we haven't
had sex in a long time.

I'm upset that you
didn't get the chance

to have an eight-pound baby
shoot out of your vagina.

Maybe then you'd understand!

Good!

That's great.

I'm upset that you banged Chip!

- You banged Chip?
- No.

Yes!

I'm upset that you just
told him I banged Chip!

Ow!

You're not supposed to
hit people in the face.

I'm upset that you
talked me into coming here.

Don't hit me anymore, please.

Please don't hit me more.

[laughter]

No, that was helpful.

Well look what I
grabbed on the way out.

[laughter]

I love you so much.

I love you too.

But, are you happy?

You can tell me.

I...

Wait, that might
be the babysitter.

Hello?

So I'm looking
through the 1989 Tigers.

Paw and I see a
picture of a very

pretty girl in a Yaz t-shirt.

Yeah, you know what?

I can't really talk right now,
can I call you back later?

Chip which, thanks for making
the last four years so awesome.

Too cool to be forgotten.

Boy, those words have gotten
me through some pretty tough

times.

[chatter]

I got you.

[mumbling]

Tom.

Tom is a man with vision and
I want him in that meeting.

Take this down to video tech
first thing in the morning.

I want them to put the tag
on it, and then make dubs.

Dubs, OK.

Bye.

[whale sounds]

Careful.

[music playing]

TOM REILLY: Hey!

Hey, buddy!

There's something
that I wanted to see!

We're going to do that cool
hamburger trick again, buddy.

I can't.

What are you talking
about, sure you can.

I don't eat meat anymore.

What?

I saw this show yesterday
about how they made meat.

It's all about killing animals.

You became a
vegetarian yesterday?

Yeah, so what?

All right, cool, whatever.

We'll get you a veggie burger.

Nah.

Wesley, you'll get to be famous!

Like Harry Potter or Urkel.

Tom, it's not going to happen.

End of discussion.

Don't be an idiot, Wesley.

That's mine!

Now you'll get it back
when you eat a hamburger.

Hey! Come here!

Help!

Wesley!

Wesley!

Wesley!

Wesley!

I'm not done talking to you!

Can I help you?

Hey.

I just moved in next door.

Nice to meet you.

Just talking to
Wesley, he's great.

SOFIA KOWALSKI: Tom?

Yeah?

Were you just yelling at Wesley?

I need you to talk
to that kid, Sophia.

His priorities are
way out of line.

What are you talking about?

I accidentally taped
over the video of Wesley.

We got to get him to
eat another burger.

Honey, if he doesn't want to
do it just find somebody else.

Sure, honey, I'll just
get one of the other kids

on the block who can swallow
a hamburger in one bite.

I'm sure there's not a
gag reflex on the block!

OK you've got to calm down.

You're acting crazy.

I'm acting crazy?

That little twerp...

[knocking]

Could you get that?

Hi.

I believe your husband
has my son's skateboard.

[chatter]

MAN 6: Let's open up
some windows over there.

Tom, you are not
going to believe this.

Bob left the Wesley tape
on his desk and we lost it.

No shoes on the prayer mat!

We found the culprit.

Somebody left the bulb
touching a stack of paper.

Dammit!

Jesus Christ, Bob.

It's just an accident.

No no no, it's been a
series of mistakes, Tom.

Earlier this week he
cost us a major account.

Could have been the
next Smith and Hawkin.

Don I can fix this.

I can fix it.

All I got to do is get
Wesley on tape again.

Trust me, I can fix it.

Go for help, now.

Go!

TOM REILLY: I'm not going
to hurt you, Wesley.

I just want to talk to you.

Look what I got, $1,000 from
my very own bank account.

Huh? For you!

What do you say?

My lawyer said I
can't talk to you, dude.

- Your lawyer?
- Hey!

Get away from the kids!

Get away from the kids!

I'm just talking...

Ah!

Ah!

Are you crazy?

Ah!

[indistinct voice]

I will.

Wait, mom, Tom just got home.

Let me... let me
call you right back.

My dad got fired.

What?

I told him to wait.

I was going to fix everything.

He got blamed for...
For some kind of fire?

Oh my god, it's not about that.

You see the Wesley video got
destroyed in the fire, so...

The Wesley video?

What?

Well you told me you
taped over the Wesley video.

I know.

And what I'm trying
to explain to you

is that it wasn't one thing.

But Wollebin knows
that the tape thing

wasn't my dad's fault, right?

Sofia, it's a very
complicated situation.

Well did you tell him or not?

Yes or no?

It wouldn't have
made a difference!

I don't believe you.

You know what, Sofia?

If you'd helped me
get Wesley to redo

the video instead of taking
his side, none of this

would have happened.

Are you insane?

Your dad was going
to get fired anyway.

What do you want me to
volunteer to get fired too?

I tried to fix it,
it didn't work.

I'm sorry.

I'm doing all of
this for you, Sophia.

Everything! You have it so easy!

You get to hang out
with Oliver all day!

You think I like what I'm doing?

You think I like
that stupid job?

I hate it!

I am completely miserable!

Sofia.

SOFIA KOWALSKI: I'm
going to my parents.

Call me when you calm down.

[music playing]

Sweet ride, Tom.

I thought this thing
was a Poon magnet.

What the hell are
you doing here, Chip?

I was just in the neighborhood.

Did I see Sofia leaving
with a suitcase?

Don't worry about it.

Is it work, Tom?

Because I have heard that you've
blown your way through quite

a few jobs and the
one thing about women

is that they can smell
failure a mile away.

It's not work, OK?

Is it sexual?

Is there a midget
living in the basement?

If there is, they are selling
the pump on the internet

but I do not know if it works.

I don't need a pump!

I thought of Sofia
alone and vulnerable.

I don't like it

I swear to God, Chip, if
you go anywhere near my wife,

I will...

What are you going to do, Tom?

You're going to catch us
on your hidden camera?

How do you know about that?

Let's drag.

[screams]

Son of a bitch.

Chip!

Chip!

I could not make
it up the steps.

Hope I'm not imposing.

[music playing]

[laughter]

Oh, it's not easy swimming
with just your arms.

Especially when the
water's just 38 degrees.

I can't believe
you're still alive!

Always been a risk-taker, Sofia.

I do like to test the limits.

Chip, you fill this
house with warmth.

And we can really
use that right now.

It isn't just that
Bob got fired,

- but Tom and Sofia have been...
- Mom!

Mom!

Difficult. Well you have.

Anyway.

Anyway, I, uh, I rented a movie.

I've got it in my
saddlebag, I was going

to go home and watch it alone.

Love to share it if
you guys are up to it.

You want to see a movie?

Sure, Chip.

MAN 7 [ON TV]: Make
yourself comfortable.

I have some things to
do in the bathroom.

WOMAN 2 [ON TV]: OK.

I want you.

What do I do?

MAN 7 [ON TV]: Everything.

That's OK.

[doorbell rings]

Sofia, I need to talk to you.

Listen, you have every
right to be upset with me.

Sweetie, I'm not angry. I just...

Finish.

Let me finish, OK?

I finally figured it out.

I didn't put the wrong
tape in the camera.

- Chip switched it!
- What?

Yeah, I was right
all along, baby.

He's been trying to
sabotage me since day one

and now I have proof.

You can see his face, the
reflection, on my computer...

Hi, Tom.

What's he doing here?

What are you doing with my son?

Get the baby away from

Tom, cool it!

Why don't you take the baby?

What did you come over here
to get with my wife, Hot Wheels?

- [BOTH] Tom!
- Hot Wheels?

Chip came over because
he heard dad got fired.

Oh and how did that happen?

Huh?

The same way my
chair got shorter?

The same way gay porn
got put on my computer?

You had everybody
fooled didn't you?

You cripple?

[BOTH] Tom!

That's enough.

Poor me, I'm in a wheelchair.

Everybody feel sorry for
me and have sex with me

because I can't use my legs.

Or can he?

He can walk.

I have proof.

What's that?

What?

Get up, you faker.

You can walk.

Let's show them how you walk!

[screaming]

Tom the man can't walk!

Oh, yeah?

Let's find out!

[screaming]

He's dead!

I'm OK.

This isn't Chip, it's Danny!

Danny?

He's Chip's twin brother.

He died in an accident
about five years ago.

He was my hero.

Tom, get down here!

Out of the house!

Out of the house! Out!

BOB KOWALSKI: Tom!

I found

I found it... I saw his

Tom, out!

I saw his reflection
in... in my...

Out!

Out!

For god's sakes, Tom.

What the hell is
the matter with you?

You just threw a disabled
man down a flight of stairs!

Moushiwake, Bob.

Now obviously I was wrong
about the cripple thing,

but he's the one responsible
for you getting fired.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You could've just killed him!

Sofia

I think you should go.

[music playing]

Are you sure you're OK?

I'm fine.

Um, what I'm really
worried about is you.

Um, I can tell that
you're not happy

and I think that it... it
might be because you're

on the wrong track.

I don't... I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're
still looking for something

that you haven't found yet.

You know, I mean...

I... I know that I am.

You know, I mean,
everybody thinks

that I've got everything,
you know, the Ohio.

Advertiser of the Year.

And probably be hired
to go to Barcelona soon.

But I don't have anybody
I can share that with.

You know, and the one person
that really does it for me

is a girl that I met
back in high school.

We are the Tigers and we're
not cocky, but we're run you...

You know, kawasaki.

Do you what I mean?

I've still got your panties
from that time that...

OK, Chip, I...

It's time to go.

OK, it's tough to hear I get it.

Stay the hell away
from my wife, Chip.

I got a newsflash
for you, Sparky.

Your wife's gone.

She's way out of your league and
she's finally realized it, OK?

It's over.

Easy.

Huh?

You think I can't
defend myself just

'cause I'm in a wheelchair?

No I know Hapkido!

Ah!

That's for stealing
my yogurt, douche.

You know what the worst
part is for me, Chip?

You're a horrible person.

I mean there is
just nobody worse.

And yet because of
what you had to deal

with being in that
chair, I actually still

feel guilty for hating you.

You know what I hate
most about you, Tom?

It's not your gay voice,
probably thought I was

going to say your gay voice.

Actually no, but thank you.

It's that you're weak.

I've defeated you in
every possible way.

I neutered you at work,
I've turned your in-laws

against you, and I'd say
I'm at most three days away

from mounting your
slutty wife again

and you've got the
gall to pity me.

Yeah.

I guess I do.

Yeah, don't.

It's a miracle, he can stand.

I knew it!

[screaming]

You banged my wife with that
giant, uncircumcised ant-eater!

Can't breathe, Tom.

Why the hell would you
spend your entire life

pretending to be paralyzed?

What's wrong with you?

You ever try to park at
the mall during Christmas?

Or do you have any idea how much
easier it is to get sympathy

sex when you can't walk?

You're a sociopath.

Oh don't get the
wrong idea, I actually

needed that chair for a while.

When I was 14, I got
into a surprisingly

violent hacky sack accident.

And then a few weeks later,
came out here for high school,

decided I'd milk
it a little bit.

Do you think I'm not
going to tell everyone

that's ever met you, you freak?

You just threw an
innocent, handicapped guy

down the stairs.

No one's going to believe you.

And, you know, you were just at
a very distinct advantage just

then when you threw
me to the ground.

All of my martial
arts training has

been from the seated position.

[screaming]

Give it up, Chief.

You're never going to win.

See you at school tomorrow!

[phone rings]

Hello?

MAN 8 [ON PHONE]: Is this
[inaudible] Chip Sanders?

What?

MAN 8 [ON PHONE]: My
name is Juan [inaudible]

Of [inaudible].

I am the Executive
President of Idea,

the ad agency in Barcelona.

You sent to us your resume.

Yes! Hello!

Ola!

Coma esta!

MAN 8 [ON PHONE]: Very
good, thank you very much.

Will you indulge me
please, sir, for one moment

and allow me to say to you that
your work is absolutely genius?

Senor Tomato is, in
a word, spectacular.

Jesus, yes.

Uh, thank you.

Gracias.

MAN 8 [ON PHONE]: You're
very, very welcome.

I come to the point.

You, sir, are being
chosen for the position

of Director Creativo.

Can you fly to Barcelona
[speaking Spanish] please?

Sure! Si!

Gracias.

Super.

[speaking Spanish]

[beeps]

MAN 9 [ON TV]: Tom!

Wildman here, we set up a
meeting with the Wesley kid.

But you probably
know all about it,

seeing as your
wife is his lawyer.

Screw it.

I'll send Chip...

Shit!

[music playing]

Bob!

Have you seen Sofia?

No, I went to buy more scotch.

When I... when I got
back she was gone.

You all right?

Bob, there's something
I have to tell you.

The Wesley tape wasn't
destroyed in the fire, I

I accidentally taped over it.

Sofia told me last night.

I told her the same
thing I'll say to you.

The only person responsible
for me losing my job is me.

I also started the fire.

It was an accident, I...

I... I wasn't aware.

Are you... are you OK?

I bent over backwards
to sell Wollebin's vision

and I, you know

I knew in the back of
my mind it was bullshit.

- It is bullshit, Bob.
- It is.

- Screw him.
- Screw him!

Screw him!

You're all right, kid.

You're all right.

Sofia's getting ice cream
with Chip at Eddy's Sweets.

Thank you, Bob.

Oh Jesus, Tom.

You got to take a shower!

I'm sorry.

BOB KOWALSKI: Go get her, son!

KID: Hey, 5 bucks to whoever can
knock that tool off his bike.

[laughs]

Oh.

These rims aren't
supposed to bend.

[music playing]

OK, Wesley.

You just sign there at
the bottom of the paper,

you're about to be a
very rich young man, OK?

Try not to get the
fudge on the contract.

Don't do it, Wesley.

Oh good, Tom's here.

Tom.

What happened to you?

Will everyone just please
listen to me for one second OK?

Sofia, Wesley, Wesley's dad.

Sofia I know on paper I'm
not the most ideal husband.

I'm selfish, I can't
hold down a job,

and I think I may have turned
your father into a problem.

Drinker.

Still, one thing you
said you loved about me

is that I could smell
bullshit a mile away.

Well this guy, Sofia,
is filled with bullshit.

He's a sociopath, and more
importantly, baby he can stand.

I have seen it.

He can't fight while he's
standing, but he can stand.

Fortunate for me that there's
no stairs here for you to try

to prove your point again.

TOM REILLY: Baby,
I know it's hard.

But I need you to believe this,
I need you to believe in me.

Tom, why would I pretend to
be handicapped my entire life?

Just so I can park at
the mall at Christmas?

Hello.

Uno momento, por favor Senor.

This is my dream
job in Spain, OK?

They're calling to make the
final travel arrangements.

It's the actual reason
that I came, I just

I don't really care
much about Wesley.

Hey, ain't cool.

Less words.

I have one question, Sofia.

Si si.

Do I have them buy me one
plane ticket to Spain or dos?

You know what, Chip?

I think you're weird and creepy.

And if you think I'd ever choose
you over the love of my life,

you're the most delusional
man on the face of the earth.

That'd be uno
ticketo, por favor.

Sweetie, you couldn't
lose me if you tried.

And you've been trying
pretty hard lately.

Momento.

So I guess this is adios.

Oh my god.

Ta da!

Holy shit!

Sofia, you should know
the night that we made love,

I faked my orgasm.

Tom, you're never
going to beat me,

and I'm going to
send you a pretty

little postcard from Barcelona.

Senor!

If it's all the same with you,
I'd like to travel tonight.

[speaking Spanish]

Of course, Senor Chip.

I will have Barcelona's
longest limousine

awaiting your arrival.

And after your beauty rest,
I make big party for you

with beautiful chicks.

Fantastico.

Everything all settled?

Girls, best of luck.

Good luck to you, Chip!

Good luck to me, I
don't need luck, Tom.

You need the luck,
you're the sorry idiot

that's going to be stuck living
in Ohio the rest of your life.

Working in the most boring
ad agency in the world.

I'm going to Spain.

Spain, Tom!

Spain!

I'm taking this little
walk and roll show on tour.

Yeah!

They're not going to
see what hit them!

You know what I mean?

[chatter]

[music playing]

The folks at Lion's Pride were
all set to spend tons of money

to try and get you to
eat their new hamburger

spread, Pickle Whip.

They even went so far as
to hire pro-skater Tony.

Hawk to put on a
pickle costume and do

rad skateboarding tricks.

The only problem was, once
Tony was in his pickle costume,

he couldn't see very well.

To be honest, it's just
tartar sauce on a hamburger.

But I've got to tell you,
it tastes really good.

TOM REILLY: And cut!

Great job, Wesley.

What'd you think Bob?

I love it!

It's honest, no bullshit,
and the kid's a natural.

Take five, buddy.

Come on, babes.

I'll be in my trailer.

Somebody should get
that girl some pants.

Listen, Bob, I cannot thank you

enough for flying out here to
help me start my own company.

You're an ad man, Tom.

You're fabulous.

I brought you a
present from Ohio.

Aw, you didn't have to do that.

The yes ball.

I'm kidding.

[laughs]

Why would I give
you my yes ball?

[music playing]

Hola, Senor.

[speaking Spanish] Senor?

Senor?

Hola.

Chip Sanders, new
creative director.

I need to get
inside the building.

Do you see I've
broken both my legs?

Is that tough to see?

Guess what, old Chiperoo
is going to take

care of things himself.

This is what a man who
needs help looks like.

Don't worry, you got... are
you late for an appointment

or something?

Is that what it is?

You must be late.

How about this door?

Can I just get this one?

There's no mistake at all.

I don't... Sir, I work
on the fourth floor.

It's Chip Sanders.

I... please don't
break my arms too.

Please don't break my arms too.

Just lift me up and place
me back in my chair.

[chatter]

SOFIA KOWALSKI: There's
my two favorite boys.

Hey, [inaudible].

Hi.

Hi.

So baby, I've got to be at a
deposition downtown by 9:30.

I got breakfast in the oven,
it'll be ready in 15 minutes.

I really can't be late.

Chocolate croissant.

What's 15 minutes?

I know how we can spend
six of those minutes.

Six minutes?

You really think you
can last that long?

I could last seven and 1/2.

What do you think of that?
[laughs]

[MUSIC PLAYING - THE MAGIC
NUMBERS, "MORNINGS ELEVEN"]

[SINGING] Baby if
you telephone maybe

I can meet you in the morning.

Call me if you're on
your own and maybe

I can meet you in the morning.

[screams]

[SINGING] Ah ba ba ba
ba ba ba ba ba aah.

Mornings eleven the
feelings are severed

I can't feel anything at all.

But I would...

Die for you.

Oh I would...

Die for you.

Well, what's my name?

Well, what's my name?

I don't know.

Baby if you telephone maybe I
can meet you in the morning.

Call me if you're on
your own and maybe

I can meet you in the morning.

Ah ba ba ba ba ba ba ba aah.

I had it all.

But I never thought I did.

No, no, no, no, I
never thought I did.

Whoa oh oh oh I had it all.

But I never thought I did.

No, no no, no I
never thought I did.

Whoa oh oh oh ba
ba ba ba ba ba ba.

MAN 10 [ON TV]: So make
sure that you understand,

when you're chopping things up
in the way that those people

in the north of Italy.

[baby crying]

That's the kid.

Let's go.

[baby crying]

WOMAN 3 [ON TV]:
[speaking Spanish]

They're out of their minds.

Hey, Tom.

You got to come see this guy.

WOMAN 3 [ON TV]:
[speaking Spanish]

What?

PACO: Ah, you missed it.

Let's go, man.

[MUSIC PLAYING - VOXTROT, "THE
START OF SOMETHING"]

[SINGING] This time of
night I could call you up.

I get angry with
athletic ease, break

common laws in twos and threes.

[inaudible]

[laughs]

CREW: Cut it.

What did you do?

[laughs]

[inaudible]

How's my pressure?

[laughs]

CREW: Keep rolling, guys.

Have you step into that again...

He's going to the bathroom.

[laughs]

Will it come through?

[beep]

TOM REILLY: Sorry, guys.

Try and sneeze a couple
more times in this take.

[laughs]

Did you... was
that good for sound?

I mean...

[beep]

Sir, we've got web advertising,

product pr... um, product
partnerships, and print ads.

Actually, it's a... it's
a four-pronged strategy.

No, no, no, uh,
uh, this is, uh, no.

No.

Uh, actually it is, uh, Chip.

Is there direct mailing in it?

TOM REILLY: Yeah.

Sorry.

This... this was a
great take, everybody.

Let's save this one.

Let's just mark this one.

Circle it, and let's go again.

CREW: Cut it out, I want it out.

[beep]

This neighbourhood is
chock-full of honkies.

[laughs]

SOFIA KOWALSKI: Do you
have a problem with that?

And, go ahead and get my...

Do you want... do
you want a code word?

Get my [laughs]

I want a safe word.

Our safe word is raisins.

[laughs]

Did you see Karate Kid?

SOFIA KOWALSKI: Yeah.

All right, good.

Miyagi, Miaccho.

That's not right.

[beep]

Oh oh.

No habla espanol?

You know what I'm saying.

You heard me, muchacho.

Pack your bags.

Adios.

What?

LEON: You heard me, Iglesias.

Take your anger out on
a pinata, you're gone.

It's great, just
think of how many more

soccer games you can go to.

[laughs]

Dude, you're killing me.

[beep]

This is nice.
CHIP SANDERS: Isn't it good?

It's a good chair.

It's actually more
comfortable than I had imagined.

CHIP SANDERS: Less words.

What we're going to...

[laughs]

[laughs]

Shh, here we go.

Stop it.

That's for st... uh, it
smells like [muted]..

Did you crap your pants?

[laughs]

God.

Here we go.

[laughs]

TOM REILLY: I'm
sorry, that was funny.

Ah.

I'm sorry, [inaudible] [laughs]

CHIP SANDERS: You good?

[laughs]

Just go ahead and
[muted] the master.

TOM REILLY: Oh, shit.

[laughs]

[muted] That's great.

This is going to be an awesome
gag reel for [inaudible]..

[MUSIC PLAYING - VOXTROT, "THE
START OF SOMETHING"]

[SINGING]... what's a
book to you in bed?

Do you feel better?

Older?

Say this just makes me ill.

Your name is
dripping from my pen.

Still, you're not
around to curse.

I've gotta drop the gun now.

Say I'm still under you.

Marianne, let the
ghosts sleep tonight.

Marianne, let the ghosts sleep.

Just shut your eyes
and burn the past.

Marianne, let the
ghosts sleep tonight.

Marianne, let the ghosts sleep.

Just shut your eyes
and burn the past.

Marianne, let the
ghosts sleep tonight.

Marianne, let the ghosts sleep.

Just shut your eyes
and burn the past.

Marianne, let the
ghosts sleep tonight.

Marianne, let the ghosts sleep.

Just shut your eyes
and burn the past.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Pa da da
pa da pa da pa da pa.

Pa da da pa da pa da pa da.

Pa da da pa da pa da pa da pa.

Pa da da pa da pa da pa da.

Pa da da pa da pa da pa da pa.

Pa da da pa da pa da pa da.

Pa da da pa da pa da pa da pa.

Pa da da pa da pa da pa pa.

Paa pa ra pa ra pa ra pa raa.

Pa pa ra pa ra pa ra.

Pa ra pa ra pa ra pa ra pa
pa ra ra paa pa pa ra pa

ra pa ra pa ra pa ra pa pa pa.

Pa pa pa ra pa pa
ra pa raa pa pa

ra pa raa pa pa pa ra pa raa.

Pa ra pa ra pa ra
pa ra pa pa ra pa ra

pa raa pa ra pa ra pa ra pa ra.