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00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:04,270
- I'm funnier than he is, but
they told me to introduce him.
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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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00:00:04,270 --> 00:00:08,041
Here's Jeff Dunham!
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:11,010
[upbeat rock music]
6
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:17,684
♪ ♪
7
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:24,057
- Well, welcome to my
Valentine's Day special and...
8
00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,826
[cheers and applause]
9
00:00:26,826 --> 00:00:28,528
There are at least two things
in this world
10
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,296
that I know are
completely universal.
11
00:00:30,296 --> 00:00:34,567
We all need love and laughter.
12
00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,470
Audrey and I have now been
married for 11 and 1/2 years,
13
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:40,106
and I, I am the luckiest man
on the planet.
14
00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,608
I say that every single day.
15
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:43,476
Yeah, and--
16
00:00:45,311 --> 00:00:46,546
But now the world turns,
17
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,248
and I have twin boys,
Jack and James.
18
00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:50,283
They are eight years of age.
19
00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:52,986
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, thanks.
20
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,187
But you know, with the kids,
21
00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:55,622
you never know
what you're going to get.
22
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,824
There's some DNA mixed in with
how you raise them.
23
00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:59,292
No matter what you do,
they could turn out
24
00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:03,263
to be little shits anyway, so.
25
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,965
But at age eight,
all kids are sponges.
26
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:07,834
You know, they hear stuff,
and they repeat it
27
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,002
whether they should or not.
28
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,503
And if I had known
earlier in life
29
00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:12,305
than later in life
I was gonna have more kids,
30
00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:14,007
I might not have said
some of the things I did
31
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:17,844
in some of
my stand-up specials.
32
00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,012
There's a couple of specials
33
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:23,550
where Peanut imitates
porno music.
34
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,752
And I'm not kidding, I don't
know how many times I've caught
35
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,787
James walking through
the house all by himself,
36
00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:32,525
and he's going
♪ boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
37
00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,093
And you know I'm gonna get
that call from school.
38
00:01:34,093 --> 00:01:37,330
"Mr. Dunham, James has been
imitating pornographic music."
39
00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:39,165
I'm like, "oh, yeah,
he got that from his mom.
40
00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:43,369
I have no idea
where that came from, so."
41
00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:44,904
Speaking of love,
are you guys ready for
42
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,339
the little people in the boxes?
43
00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:49,476
[cheers and applause]
All right.
44
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:54,814
In classical mythology,
Cupid is the god of desire,
45
00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:57,817
erotic love, attraction,
and affection.
46
00:01:57,817 --> 00:02:01,421
So ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome Cupid.
47
00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:04,390
[upbeat rock music]
48
00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:07,694
♪ ♪
49
00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:11,898
[laughter]
50
00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:18,738
[cheers and applause]
51
00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:22,242
- Shut the hell up.
52
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:25,345
[mocking laughter]
53
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:33,786
You know how much
I hate you right now.
54
00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:37,690
- Hello, Cupid.
- I'm Walter, damn it.
55
00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,526
- Yeah, but tonight
you're supposed to be Cupid.
56
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,528
- I'd rather be
working at Walmart.
57
00:02:41,528 --> 00:02:44,130
- [chuckles]
Just play along.
58
00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:46,533
- [mockingly] Just play along.
59
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,572
- So Valentine's Day is a busy
time for you, isn't it, Cupid?
60
00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:58,144
- This qualifies as
elder abuse.
61
00:02:58,144 --> 00:02:59,546
- It looks like you're ready to
62
00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:01,614
get to work for Valentine's
Day. Are you feeling OK?
63
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:05,552
- No, I'm half naked and
my nipples are chapped.
64
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:11,624
And what kind of costume is
wings and Depends?
65
00:03:11,624 --> 00:03:13,960
These lights are too bright.
Put my sunglasses on.
66
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:14,994
- You want sunglasses?
67
00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:16,195
- Put on the damn sunglasses.
68
00:03:16,195 --> 00:03:17,497
It's too bright out here.
69
00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:18,665
Whatever, just put 'em on me.
70
00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:19,799
Oh, you're gonna blind me.
71
00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:22,402
What the hell is wrong
with you?
72
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,537
- There.
- Oh, ah, much better.
73
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:29,008
[cheers and applause]
74
00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:31,110
Look, Ray-Bans and Depends.
75
00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:34,914
I'm Joe Biden!
76
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:43,823
[cackling laugh]
77
00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:46,092
I'm president
and I can't get up.
78
00:03:46,092 --> 00:03:48,661
- Will you stop?
79
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,565
Walter--
- Ah, come on.
80
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,434
Folks say I look like him
all the time.
81
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,069
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah, they're like,
82
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,637
"are you Joe Biden?"
83
00:03:57,637 --> 00:03:58,938
I wouldn't want
to disappoint them,
84
00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:02,775
so I say, "I don't know,"
and they believe me!
85
00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:07,347
- I'm taking these off.
- Well, that was easy.
86
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:08,948
- So as Cupid, your job is
to go around
87
00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:10,817
shooting arrows into
people's hearts,
88
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,885
which then makes them
fall in love, right?
89
00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:15,922
- Yeah, yeah. Love, lust,
whatever you want to call it.
90
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,058
- Oh. So what's the difference
between love and lust?
91
00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:21,628
- 50 bucks.
92
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,101
Less in certain
parts of Florida.
93
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,237
- Oh.
94
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:33,940
Yeah, and why do
you shoot arrows?
95
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,709
- I don't know,
TSA took my Glock.
96
00:04:36,709 --> 00:04:39,646
How about that?
[grumbles]
97
00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:41,047
- Let's talk about
relationships.
98
00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:44,017
- Oh, I am an expert on that.
- OK.
99
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:47,186
So how should a man approach
a woman he's attracted to?
100
00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:50,289
- From the rear.
- No.
101
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,194
- And with the size of
some of the asses these days,
102
00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:59,532
that could be considered
a long distance relationship.
103
00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:04,804
- So, Cupid, aren't greeting
cards a good way
104
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,339
of expressing your love
for someone?
105
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:08,875
- Oh, sure, yeah, greeting
cards are good for anybody.
106
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,743
In fact,
I've written a few myself.
107
00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:13,146
- Some greeting cards?
Can you recite a couple for us?
108
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,514
- Sure.
109
00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:16,683
- Do you have one for
longtime married couples?
110
00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:19,185
- Oh, absolutely. Here we go.
[clears throat]
111
00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:22,922
"Our love all these years has
been a blissful occurrence.
112
00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:26,459
I wish you would die so I could
collect the insurance."
113
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:33,766
- No.
- OK.
114
00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:35,535
How about one
for younger couples?
115
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,270
- Younger couples, great.
- OK.
116
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,739
"Meeting you was amazing luck,
117
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,175
and I think of that most
each time that we--"
118
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:45,978
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
119
00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:49,582
- "Have dinner." What did
you think I was gonna say?
120
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:52,552
You're a bad man.
121
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:53,920
- So how is your love life?
122
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,421
- Oh, you mean
me as Walter and--
123
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:56,689
and with the wife?
- Yeah.
124
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,825
- Well, things are different
at our age.
125
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:00,126
- I'm sure.
- Yeah.
126
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:01,561
We're actually kinkier now.
127
00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:02,729
- OK, I don't want
to hear about it.
128
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:04,697
- Yeah, now she offers me
the choice:
129
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:07,133
teeth in or teeth out.
130
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,875
Trust me, you'll see.
- OK.
131
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:19,145
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
132
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:20,513
- I didn't say that.
133
00:06:20,513 --> 00:06:22,148
- Do you ever tell your wife
that you love her?
134
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,349
- Of course I do.
135
00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:24,417
- How often do you tell her?
- Once.
136
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:27,153
- A day?
- A year.
137
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:30,957
- Well, that's not very much.
- It adds up.
138
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:32,892
- I guess you tell her
on Valentine's Day?
139
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,127
- No.
- Mother's Day?
140
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:35,094
- No.
- Christmas?
141
00:06:35,094 --> 00:06:37,997
- April Fools.
142
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,067
I'm kidding.
- Good.
143
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:45,037
- Yeah, I tell her
every February 29th.
144
00:06:46,939 --> 00:06:48,808
- Let's talk about romance.
- Oh, great.
145
00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,643
- All right.
Just some simple things.
146
00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,512
Do you and your wife
ever watch movies together?
147
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:54,781
- Yeah, she wants to
watch our wedding movies.
148
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:56,516
- That's nice.
- I can't do it.
149
00:06:56,516 --> 00:07:00,253
- Why not?
- I know what happens next.
150
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,321
- So when you proposed,
did you get down on one knee?
151
00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:03,456
- Yeah, I had to.
152
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:07,293
I didn't want to
look her in the eye.
153
00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:09,128
Say, I got a joke-joke for you.
154
00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:12,398
What does Disney World
have in common with Viagra?
155
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:13,699
- I don't know, what?
156
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:16,669
- An hour-long wait
for a two-minute ride.
157
00:07:24,977 --> 00:07:27,246
- You're not gonna start
telling joke-jokes now,
158
00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:28,614
are you?
- Oh, sure.
159
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:30,082
I'll do some wife jokes
and get you canceled.
160
00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:31,484
- Walter--
- Hang on, hang on.
161
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,453
My wife is so ugly.
162
00:07:34,453 --> 00:07:37,056
crowd: How ugly is she?
163
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:42,161
- She sat on her iPhone
and it unlocked.
164
00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:43,362
That's butt ugly.
165
00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:45,665
- We got it.
- OK.
166
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,567
Calm down, though,
it's not one sided.
167
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,335
- How's that?
- Every Valentine's Day,
168
00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:52,305
she gets me sweetheart candies
with sayings on them.
169
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,673
- Oh, like "be mine"?
170
00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:57,844
- No, no.
"Do not resuscitate."
171
00:07:57,844 --> 00:07:59,178
I will say, though,
172
00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:01,314
we did go to a marriage
counselor one time.
173
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,448
- You did?
- Oh, yeah.
174
00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:04,016
He said I should
take my wife out
175
00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:06,152
and treat her like I did
on our first date.
176
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,954
- Sounds like a good idea.
- Yeah.
177
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:09,856
So I took her to dinner,
felt her up,
178
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:13,759
then dropped her off
at her parents' house.
179
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,563
- But despite that kind of
stuff, the love life is OK?
180
00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:19,065
- Yeah, we do our best.
181
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,834
We tried role playing with
a little French maid outfit.
182
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,536
- Ooh, how'd that go?
183
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,338
- Uh, she said
it was too tight.
184
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,840
- Ah.
- And my accent was bad.
185
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:35,214
See, I put the maid outfit on.
186
00:08:35,214 --> 00:08:37,149
- They got it.
187
00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:38,985
- And then I had her put it on.
- OK.
188
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:40,486
- Not because it was sexy.
189
00:08:40,486 --> 00:08:41,554
I thought she might...
- Walter.
190
00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:42,555
- Finally...
- Walter.
191
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:43,589
- Do some...
- Walter.
192
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:48,160
- Fucking housework.
- Walter!
193
00:08:50,997 --> 00:08:52,932
You really are trying
to get me canceled.
194
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:54,967
- No, I'm trying to get
my fucking house cleaned.
195
00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:57,970
- Please!
196
00:08:57,970 --> 00:08:59,505
Say good night, Walter.
197
00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:01,540
- Thanks, Tampa Bay!
198
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:02,942
- Thanks, Walter.
199
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,543
[cheers and applause]
200
00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:08,422
- This next guy is from
somewhere down south in the US.
201
00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,758
Please help me welcome Bubba J.
202
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,761
[upbeat rock music]
203
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:16,096
[cheers and applause]
204
00:09:16,096 --> 00:09:17,731
- [chortles]
205
00:09:17,731 --> 00:09:21,802
- How you doing Bubba J?
- I'm doing purdy good!
206
00:09:24,138 --> 00:09:25,939
- So what's been going on
with you lately?
207
00:09:25,939 --> 00:09:28,909
- Well, last week I went to
my best friend's wedding.
208
00:09:28,909 --> 00:09:30,311
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
209
00:09:30,311 --> 00:09:35,249
It was a combination wedding
and gender reveal party.
210
00:09:35,249 --> 00:09:36,817
- Oh.
- Yeah.
211
00:09:36,817 --> 00:09:41,522
He was very happy to find out
that she really was a woman.
212
00:09:49,163 --> 00:09:55,135
Yeah, always a nail-biter,
right, guys?
213
00:09:55,135 --> 00:09:57,471
- And how's your family?
- They're all good.
214
00:09:57,471 --> 00:10:01,141
- Yeah, and, uh,
what's your wife's name?
215
00:10:01,141 --> 00:10:04,244
- Uh...
216
00:10:04,244 --> 00:10:05,312
- Bubba J?
217
00:10:05,312 --> 00:10:08,749
- Oh, no, that's my name.
218
00:10:08,749 --> 00:10:10,718
- But she's doing well?
- Yeah, she's great.
219
00:10:10,718 --> 00:10:11,952
- You two have a lot
in common, don't you?
220
00:10:11,952 --> 00:10:13,821
- Yeah, we're made
for each other.
221
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:15,222
- I bet.
- Yeah, you know,
222
00:10:15,222 --> 00:10:19,827
we both got the exact same
results in our DNA tests.
223
00:10:24,365 --> 00:10:26,867
- Bubba J, how can you be
so smart on one hand,
224
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,702
and so stupid on the other?
225
00:10:28,702 --> 00:10:31,772
- Well, you're half of it.
226
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:37,344
- Well, you know, Bubba J,
during the show tonight
227
00:10:37,344 --> 00:10:40,214
we've been talking about
that romantic day in February.
228
00:10:40,214 --> 00:10:43,784
- Yeah, Groundhog Day.
229
00:10:43,784 --> 00:10:46,120
- No, it's a romantic day.
- Romantic?
230
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,789
- Yeah, February 14th is
the day for lovers.
231
00:10:48,789 --> 00:10:51,759
- Oh. [chortles]
Lovers.
232
00:10:51,759 --> 00:10:57,698
You mean the day you watch
the no-no channels?
233
00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,266
- The no-no channels?
- Yes.
234
00:10:59,266 --> 00:11:04,037
Like, "no-no, you're not
doing that to me."
235
00:11:06,039 --> 00:11:07,474
- No.
- No, not "no."
236
00:11:07,474 --> 00:11:10,744
It's no-no.
[giggling]
237
00:11:10,744 --> 00:11:14,815
- I'm talking about romance.
- So am I.
238
00:11:14,815 --> 00:11:16,116
- Do you and your wife
ever watch
239
00:11:16,116 --> 00:11:19,019
actual sweet romantic movies?
- Like what?
240
00:11:19,019 --> 00:11:21,221
- You know, things like
where the guy gets the girl.
241
00:11:21,221 --> 00:11:23,190
- Oh, yeah,
like Freddy Krueger?
242
00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:24,825
Oh, yeah, yeah.
243
00:11:24,825 --> 00:11:26,260
- No.
- I don't know.
244
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:28,429
- Come on, what first
attracted you to your wife?
245
00:11:28,429 --> 00:11:30,597
- Well, she's really hot.
246
00:11:30,597 --> 00:11:31,665
- OK.
- Yeah.
247
00:11:31,665 --> 00:11:33,233
And she's really big.
- Oh.
248
00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:37,571
- Yeah, so it was gravity.
- Yeah--oh.
249
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:43,243
- Yeah, if she spins around too
fast, she'll suck you right in.
250
00:11:43,243 --> 00:11:44,912
- And how's the romance
between you two?
251
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:45,913
- Oh, it's purdy good.
252
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:47,347
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
253
00:11:47,347 --> 00:11:52,252
In fact, one of your little
boys taught me something.
254
00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:53,287
- What's that?
255
00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:56,723
- ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
256
00:12:01,462 --> 00:12:02,796
- So when you proposed,
257
00:12:02,796 --> 00:12:05,065
did you ask her father
for her hand in marriage?
258
00:12:05,065 --> 00:12:07,601
- I sure did.
I called him up and I go,
259
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:12,005
"hey, Uncle Phil,
it's me, Bubba J."
260
00:12:17,077 --> 00:12:19,346
And you know our wedding
was half the cost
261
00:12:19,346 --> 00:12:21,715
of the average wedding.
- How's that?
262
00:12:21,715 --> 00:12:24,117
- Huh! Just one family.
263
00:12:31,391 --> 00:12:34,895
Yeah, the whole left side
of the church was empty.
264
00:12:34,895 --> 00:12:37,264
- Oh. [chuckles]
265
00:12:37,264 --> 00:12:39,233
You ever go out with your wife
for a romantic evening
266
00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:41,368
and whisper sweet nothings
in her ear?
267
00:12:41,368 --> 00:12:42,936
- What's a sweet nothing?
268
00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,104
Oh, I know.
269
00:12:44,104 --> 00:12:47,941
[whispering]
Diet Coke.
270
00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:49,977
- No, sweet nothings are
just flattering things
271
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:51,979
that you say softly
to someone you love.
272
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,480
- Oh, yeah, like,
273
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:58,585
[whispering]
"you're as hot as your mother."
274
00:12:58,585 --> 00:13:00,120
Hey, hey!
275
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:04,658
He thinks this crap up, not me.
276
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:08,662
My wife is beautiful, though.
- That's very sweet.
277
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,464
And what makes her beautiful?
278
00:13:10,464 --> 00:13:13,834
- Six beers.
- No.
279
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,836
- OK, less if the light is dim.
280
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:17,538
- All right. [laughs]
281
00:13:17,538 --> 00:13:19,940
And how dim should it be
for you to look good to her?
282
00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:23,844
- [chortles]
Total frickin' darkness.
283
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,245
- How's the rest of
your family doing?
284
00:13:25,245 --> 00:13:26,747
- They're good.
- How's your sister?
285
00:13:26,747 --> 00:13:28,048
- She just got married.
286
00:13:28,048 --> 00:13:30,083
- Oh, really? So she got hit
by Cupid's arrow.
287
00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:31,218
- [chuckles]
No.
288
00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:35,088
Our yard guy needed
citizenship.
289
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,128
- That's not right.
290
00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:42,829
- You think they'll leave
that joke in your show?
291
00:13:42,829 --> 00:13:44,831
- I--
292
00:13:44,831 --> 00:13:46,066
I doubt it.
293
00:13:46,066 --> 00:13:51,271
- Olé!
- All right.
294
00:13:51,271 --> 00:13:52,839
So I know your birthday
is coming up.
295
00:13:52,839 --> 00:13:54,107
You're gonna get a little TLC?
296
00:13:54,107 --> 00:13:59,313
- [chortles]
Jeff, it's spelled KFC.
297
00:13:59,313 --> 00:14:00,781
You should come over
next weekend.
298
00:14:00,781 --> 00:14:02,249
I'm barbecuing a turkey.
299
00:14:02,249 --> 00:14:03,884
- Oh, you love doing that,
don't you?
300
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:04,000
- Yeah, and we may or may not
301
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,352
- Yeah, and we may or may not
302
00:14:05,352 --> 00:14:07,521
have some skinny dipping
going on.
303
00:14:07,521 --> 00:14:08,822
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
304
00:14:08,822 --> 00:14:12,960
[gurgling]
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
305
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,062
- [chuckles]
What?
306
00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:19,066
Bubba J, where did you learn
to talk like that?
307
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:21,835
- Oh, you drink as much
as I do, you fucking learn.
308
00:14:21,835 --> 00:14:25,639
- All right.
309
00:14:25,639 --> 00:14:27,941
So, Bubba J, how about your
favorite part of the show?
310
00:14:27,941 --> 00:14:29,276
- OK, great.
311
00:14:29,276 --> 00:14:31,178
This is the part
where you get to hear
312
00:14:31,178 --> 00:14:34,815
what I think about stuff
after I've had one too many.
313
00:14:34,815 --> 00:14:37,684
Or maybe five, or eight,
or the whole keg.
314
00:14:37,684 --> 00:14:39,019
- All right.
- Yeah.
315
00:14:39,019 --> 00:14:42,189
- All right.
316
00:14:42,189 --> 00:14:45,258
- So welcome to
the Valentine's edition of
317
00:14:45,258 --> 00:14:48,996
Bubba J's
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
318
00:14:48,996 --> 00:14:51,965
[pensive piano music]
319
00:14:51,965 --> 00:14:54,868
♪ ♪
320
00:14:54,868 --> 00:14:56,303
Oh, I like the music.
321
00:14:56,303 --> 00:14:58,505
- Yeah.
- Yeah, puts me in the mood.
322
00:14:58,505 --> 00:15:00,007
- Oh, mood for what?
323
00:15:00,007 --> 00:15:03,577
- [gurgling]
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
324
00:15:03,577 --> 00:15:04,711
- Just go.
- OK.
325
00:15:04,711 --> 00:15:07,280
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
326
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,816
For Valentine's Day,
my wife said
327
00:15:09,816 --> 00:15:11,752
she wanted her favorite flower.
328
00:15:11,752 --> 00:15:14,688
So I gave her Bisquick.
329
00:15:14,688 --> 00:15:21,595
♪ ♪
330
00:15:22,996 --> 00:15:26,466
The first time someone
wished me "happy VD,"
331
00:15:26,466 --> 00:15:30,904
I thought,
"how the hell did they know?"
332
00:15:33,573 --> 00:15:36,677
When a woman says that
I must love her from afar,
333
00:15:36,677 --> 00:15:42,816
what that really means is that
she filed a restraining order.
334
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:45,352
One-night stands
make me feel empty.
335
00:15:45,352 --> 00:15:48,388
- Yeah.
- Which means it went great.
336
00:15:52,793 --> 00:15:54,928
- I'm sorry.
337
00:15:58,398 --> 00:16:02,836
- Guys, never get involved
with a farm animal.
338
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,805
- What?
- I know, I know.
339
00:16:04,805 --> 00:16:07,441
Moo means moo.
340
00:16:10,944 --> 00:16:12,946
When a woman asks you
if you know
341
00:16:12,946 --> 00:16:14,881
the quickest way to her heart,
342
00:16:14,881 --> 00:16:20,687
don't do what I did and stick
your head between her tatas.
343
00:16:20,687 --> 00:16:24,624
That was the worst ever
birthday for Grandma.
344
00:16:24,624 --> 00:16:26,593
[crowd groans]
345
00:16:26,593 --> 00:16:27,894
Oh, too far?
346
00:16:27,894 --> 00:16:29,730
Yeah, too far?
347
00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:30,897
- Too far.
- Yeah.
348
00:16:30,897 --> 00:16:35,702
[gurgling]
349
00:16:35,702 --> 00:16:37,738
Oh, wait, it's Grandma.
350
00:16:37,738 --> 00:16:39,473
[gurgling]
351
00:16:41,975 --> 00:16:43,110
- Say goodnight, Bubba J.
352
00:16:43,110 --> 00:16:45,412
- Happy Valentines, Tampa!
353
00:16:45,412 --> 00:16:46,413
[cheering]
354
00:16:49,692 --> 00:16:52,261
- He's purple, he's wacky.
355
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:55,531
[cheers and applause]
356
00:16:55,531 --> 00:16:57,933
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Peanut!
357
00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:00,903
[upbeat rock music]
358
00:17:00,903 --> 00:17:07,576
♪ ♪
359
00:17:07,576 --> 00:17:09,545
[cheers and applause]
360
00:17:09,545 --> 00:17:11,747
- [laughing]
361
00:17:11,747 --> 00:17:13,115
- How are you doing, Peanut?
- Doing pretty good.
362
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,383
How about you?
- I'm fine.
363
00:17:14,383 --> 00:17:16,686
- That's good, that's good,
that's good!
364
00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:17,953
[cackles]
365
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:20,056
Ha-ha!
- Cut it out.
366
00:17:20,056 --> 00:17:21,957
- ♪ I'm a little asshole,
short and stout ♪
367
00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:24,193
♪ This is my handle,
I can't show you my spout ♪
368
00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:27,063
[cackles] Ha-ha!
- Stop it!
369
00:17:27,063 --> 00:17:29,765
Peanut!
- Jeff-fa-fa!
370
00:17:29,765 --> 00:17:31,467
- Do you know why we're here?
- I do.
371
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,968
- We've been talking about
Valentine's Day.
372
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,270
- I have been listening,
373
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:35,905
and you have finally come to
the right guy
374
00:17:35,905 --> 00:17:37,873
to talk about romance, my man.
375
00:17:37,873 --> 00:17:39,742
- You?
- Yes, me. For example:
376
00:17:39,742 --> 00:17:42,044
that is not just a suitcase
you got me out of.
377
00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:43,312
- No?
- No!
378
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:48,351
That, my friend, is where
I take the ladies.
379
00:17:48,351 --> 00:17:52,988
- What?
- That is the Luggage of Love.
380
00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:55,491
- The luggage?
- Of Love.
381
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,026
And you know it by the music.
382
00:17:57,026 --> 00:17:58,160
- The music?
- Yeah.
383
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,630
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
384
00:18:01,630 --> 00:18:04,233
- Peanut, no one but you
can fit inside that suitcase.
385
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:07,269
- Oh, you'd be surprised.
386
00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:10,139
- Maybe just and José Jalapeño.
387
00:18:10,139 --> 00:18:16,212
[crowd whooping]
388
00:18:16,212 --> 00:18:18,948
On a stick.
[chuckles]
389
00:18:18,948 --> 00:18:21,450
- OK, don't be gross.
390
00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:24,754
I refuse to allow
a stick in my box.
391
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,461
I-I just said that out loud,
didn't I?
392
00:18:32,461 --> 00:18:34,330
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.
393
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:37,032
Well, I meant it. Both ways.
- All right. [chuckles]
394
00:18:38,968 --> 00:18:40,970
Have you been on
any dates lately?
395
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:43,005
- Well, I think about it a lot.
396
00:18:43,005 --> 00:18:44,140
- You think about
going on dates?
397
00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:45,474
- Yeah, I do.
398
00:18:45,474 --> 00:18:47,176
I try and figure out
how to make it happen
399
00:18:47,176 --> 00:18:50,713
without you being there too!
400
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:52,047
- Right.
- It's not easy.
401
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:55,284
I just seem to lay there.
- [chuckles]
402
00:18:55,284 --> 00:18:56,552
- It's not funny!
403
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,155
It's like
my own "Toy Story" hell.
404
00:19:03,092 --> 00:19:04,760
And no Woody.
405
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,796
- [laughs]
406
00:19:06,796 --> 00:19:08,697
Wha--
407
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,837
- Maybe a little Buzz.
- All right. [laughs]
408
00:19:14,837 --> 00:19:17,640
- But I'm looking good,
right, ladies?
409
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,409
[crowd hollering]
410
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:24,647
That is Fifty Shades of Purple
right there.
411
00:19:24,647 --> 00:19:28,551
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
412
00:19:28,551 --> 00:19:31,253
- Look, Valentine's Day.
It's the holiday of love.
413
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,189
- It is about love, isn't it?
- Of course.
414
00:19:33,189 --> 00:19:38,561
And who is that extra special
person in your life right now?
415
00:19:38,561 --> 00:19:39,762
- Well.
416
00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:41,530
- Is there someone?
417
00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:43,265
- [sniffles]
No.
418
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,834
[crowd groans sympathetically]
419
00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:47,102
[whimpers]
420
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,506
[sympathetic groans, laughter]
421
00:19:50,506 --> 00:19:53,008
[high-pitched]
Thank you.
422
00:19:53,008 --> 00:19:54,577
- I'm really sorry.
- I know.
423
00:19:54,577 --> 00:19:56,412
But look at you.
- Yeah.
424
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,814
- And Walter. And Bubba J.
425
00:19:58,814 --> 00:20:00,850
You all have someone.
426
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:02,451
- You know, maybe José
could help you.
427
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:03,719
- Help me what?
- Find a date.
428
00:20:03,719 --> 00:20:06,388
- [laughs]
Wait, you're serious?
429
00:20:06,388 --> 00:20:08,457
- Well, I've heard--
- You've heard what?
430
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,725
- He's Latin.
- So?
431
00:20:09,725 --> 00:20:13,062
- You know, a Latin lover.
- On a stick?
432
00:20:13,062 --> 00:20:14,763
- Why don't we ask him?
- Oh, no.
433
00:20:14,763 --> 00:20:16,165
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
434
00:20:16,165 --> 00:20:18,968
José Jalapeño on a Stick.
435
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:23,172
[cheers and applause]
436
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,074
Good evening, José.
437
00:20:25,074 --> 00:20:27,810
- Buenas noches, Señor Jeff.
438
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:30,546
And others.
439
00:20:30,546 --> 00:20:32,548
- He's not, uh, happy with me
right now.
440
00:20:32,548 --> 00:20:34,583
- We are not speaking.
441
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:36,252
- Why not?
- Don't worry about it.
442
00:20:36,252 --> 00:20:38,787
- He ate my cousin Julio.
443
00:20:42,558 --> 00:20:44,393
- You ate his cousin Julio?
444
00:20:44,393 --> 00:20:45,761
- Well, how was I supposed
to know?
445
00:20:45,761 --> 00:20:49,598
He was just laying there
next to the dip.
446
00:20:49,598 --> 00:20:51,834
Not saying anything.
I thought he was a popper.
447
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,670
- [laughs]
448
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,972
- I don't want to talk to you.
449
00:20:56,972 --> 00:21:02,177
- Oh, OK, I'm--I'm actually...
really sorry, José.
450
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,547
- He died doing
what he loved most.
451
00:21:04,547 --> 00:21:08,450
- What was that?
- Burning your mouth.
452
00:21:08,450 --> 00:21:10,519
- He did do that.
- Right.
453
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:14,557
- And later your ass.
454
00:21:14,557 --> 00:21:17,459
- I'll let you know.
- OK.
455
00:21:17,459 --> 00:21:19,562
So, José, you think you can
help Peanut get a date?
456
00:21:19,562 --> 00:21:21,597
- Sí, I know women.
- You?
457
00:21:21,597 --> 00:21:23,899
I have never seen you
with a woman!
458
00:21:23,899 --> 00:21:26,435
[scoffs] You're in that box
all day long.
459
00:21:26,435 --> 00:21:28,671
- Sí, but many of the times,
I am not alone.
460
00:21:28,671 --> 00:21:31,507
- Oh, come on.
Who gets in there with you?
461
00:21:31,507 --> 00:21:32,808
- Ask your mother.
462
00:21:32,808 --> 00:21:34,543
- Hey!
463
00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:37,413
What the hell?
- [laughs] All right.
464
00:21:37,413 --> 00:21:38,547
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
465
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:41,150
- I'll deep fry his ass.
- No.
466
00:21:41,150 --> 00:21:42,518
- And his stick.
- Steeck.
467
00:21:42,518 --> 00:21:43,652
- Whatever.
- Calm down.
468
00:21:43,652 --> 00:21:45,054
- He said he was with
my mother!
469
00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:46,288
- I know.
470
00:21:46,288 --> 00:21:47,723
- My mother can't fit
in José's box.
471
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:48,000
- No, but José can fit in
your mother's--
472
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,692
- No, but José can fit in
your mother's--
473
00:21:49,692 --> 00:21:51,860
- All right!
474
00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:53,262
- What the hell?
475
00:21:53,262 --> 00:21:54,597
- I'm--
[laughs]
476
00:21:57,299 --> 00:21:58,934
- I'm gonna slice him up
and serve him
477
00:21:58,934 --> 00:22:01,804
on our next plate
of frickin' nachos.
478
00:22:01,804 --> 00:22:03,606
- And that's when
I burn your ass.
479
00:22:03,606 --> 00:22:05,240
- You can't!
- Yes, I can.
480
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:09,078
- I don't have an ass!
481
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,880
It's an elbow.
482
00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:19,088
- That sounds much worse
than a stick.
483
00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:21,523
- All ri--
[laughs]
484
00:22:21,523 --> 00:22:24,627
- I thought this was gonna be
a lot more fun.
485
00:22:24,627 --> 00:22:26,195
- That's what I said
to your mother.
486
00:22:26,195 --> 00:22:27,363
- Hey!
- All right!
487
00:22:27,363 --> 00:22:29,765
Wait--wait a minute.
488
00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:32,034
- I bet your mother
had a steeck.
489
00:22:32,034 --> 00:22:33,402
- Not as big as your sister's.
490
00:22:33,402 --> 00:22:37,306
- Oh, will you stop it,
both of you?
491
00:22:37,306 --> 00:22:38,607
Say good night, José.
492
00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:41,276
- I am José Jalapeño.
- On a Stick.
493
00:22:41,276 --> 00:22:42,344
- There he is.
- Hey!
494
00:22:42,344 --> 00:22:44,246
- All right.
495
00:22:44,246 --> 00:22:46,548
[cheers and applause]
496
00:22:48,409 --> 00:22:49,377
- All right, look, Peanut,
have you ever tried
497
00:22:49,377 --> 00:22:50,711
online dating?
- Well?
498
00:22:50,711 --> 00:22:52,013
- I thought that maybe
we could help you out
499
00:22:52,013 --> 00:22:53,481
by filling out a profile
on one of those sites
500
00:22:53,481 --> 00:22:55,549
and see how it goes.
- Oh, OK.
501
00:22:55,549 --> 00:22:56,717
- I pulled up the site.
- Yeah.
502
00:22:56,717 --> 00:22:58,219
- And let's enter your profile.
503
00:22:58,219 --> 00:22:59,320
Let's see what happens.
- OK.
504
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,455
- So for example,
OK, uh, name.
505
00:23:01,455 --> 00:23:05,459
- OK, first name, Pea,
last name Nut.
506
00:23:07,528 --> 00:23:09,096
- That's not right.
- There's two blanks.
507
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,331
What are you gonna do?
508
00:23:10,331 --> 00:23:13,267
Initial P then last name
[gargles]?
509
00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:14,468
Sound like
you're talking backwards.
510
00:23:14,468 --> 00:23:18,005
[mimics talking in reverse]
511
00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:22,043
- Height?
- Six four.
512
00:23:24,278 --> 00:23:25,680
- You're like two four.
513
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,817
- Objects in mirror are
larger than they appear.
514
00:23:29,817 --> 00:23:32,286
- OK, now it's asking
your relationship intent.
515
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:33,688
Is it long term, short term,
516
00:23:33,688 --> 00:23:36,324
short but open to long term,
not sure.
517
00:23:36,324 --> 00:23:40,661
- Is there a checkbox for
"wham, bam, thank you ma'am"?
518
00:23:42,530 --> 00:23:45,099
- OK, sexual orientation.
519
00:23:45,099 --> 00:23:47,735
- Upside down.
- No.
520
00:23:47,735 --> 00:23:48,803
- Sideways?
- No.
521
00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:50,838
- About face.
- Stop it.
522
00:23:50,838 --> 00:23:53,007
- That's what she said.
- [laughs]
523
00:23:53,007 --> 00:23:54,508
I have no idea
what you're doing!
524
00:23:54,508 --> 00:23:56,777
- She also said that.
- Wh--
525
00:23:56,777 --> 00:23:58,512
what do I enter?
- He said that.
526
00:23:58,512 --> 00:24:00,781
- Stop it!
527
00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:04,185
Income?
- What?
528
00:24:04,185 --> 00:24:05,386
- Income.
- Outcome?
529
00:24:05,386 --> 00:24:08,322
- What?
- Income, outcome. How come?
530
00:24:08,322 --> 00:24:10,124
- Read this, right there.
531
00:24:10,124 --> 00:24:13,260
- Uh, "the amount of money
you make anally."
532
00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:16,230
- Annually!
533
00:24:16,230 --> 00:24:19,200
- Oh, that's way different.
534
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:25,406
It's amazing how one little
missing U can rock your world.
535
00:24:25,406 --> 00:24:29,844
And make it difficult to walk.
- [laughs]
536
00:24:32,246 --> 00:24:34,115
OK, we've now gotten to
the part of the show
537
00:24:34,115 --> 00:24:36,016
that I'm not really sure about,
Peanut.
538
00:24:36,016 --> 00:24:38,152
- What's that?
- Well, as the audience knows,
539
00:24:38,152 --> 00:24:41,822
before the show started, many
of them were given these cards
540
00:24:41,822 --> 00:24:43,624
and asked to write you
questions about
541
00:24:43,624 --> 00:24:44,859
love and relationships,
542
00:24:44,859 --> 00:24:46,994
anything to do with Valentines.
- Yep.
543
00:24:46,994 --> 00:24:49,463
- So, uh, where is--
544
00:24:49,463 --> 00:24:51,132
all right,
I can't read the first name.
545
00:24:51,132 --> 00:24:54,402
Is it "Fru--"
546
00:24:54,402 --> 00:24:55,569
Fr--
person: Frank!
547
00:24:55,569 --> 00:24:57,104
- Oh, Frank?
548
00:24:57,104 --> 00:25:00,408
- It looks like "Fruck."
549
00:25:00,408 --> 00:25:01,876
- All right, Frank.
550
00:25:01,876 --> 00:25:03,944
"Dear Peanut,
I got my wife these tickets
551
00:25:03,944 --> 00:25:07,214
for our 10th anniversary.
Is this enough?"
552
00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:11,051
- Let's see, 25th anniversary
is silver, 50th is gold,
553
00:25:11,051 --> 00:25:14,522
and 10th is warm beer
and a puppet show.
554
00:25:14,522 --> 00:25:17,558
Yes, you're a good, Frank.
555
00:25:20,661 --> 00:25:22,196
- John Simmons.
556
00:25:22,196 --> 00:25:24,532
"Dear Peanut, are children
with peanut allergies
557
00:25:24,532 --> 00:25:28,402
allowed to play with you?"
558
00:25:28,402 --> 00:25:31,605
- Oh, ha, ha, ha.
559
00:25:31,605 --> 00:25:34,241
Yes, they are.
Deal with the itch, bitch.
560
00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,577
- Oh, that's--
561
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,549
Kate and Sherry.
562
00:25:41,549 --> 00:25:43,217
"Dear Peanut,
what advice would you give
563
00:25:43,217 --> 00:25:45,085
"a married lesbian couple
564
00:25:45,085 --> 00:25:49,356
that's been with each other
for 14 years?"
565
00:25:49,356 --> 00:25:50,391
- Do you know?
- No.
566
00:25:50,391 --> 00:25:51,659
- I don't know either.
567
00:25:51,659 --> 00:25:54,528
Clearly, we don't have
anything you need.
568
00:26:04,305 --> 00:26:06,340
- Where are Dennis and Cathy?
569
00:26:06,340 --> 00:26:07,875
Aw! "Dear Peanut,
570
00:26:07,875 --> 00:26:11,879
"we reconnected at our 56th
class reunion two years ago.
571
00:26:11,879 --> 00:26:14,248
Should we get married?"
572
00:26:14,248 --> 00:26:16,417
[crowd shouting approval]
573
00:26:16,417 --> 00:26:18,319
- I guess so.
574
00:26:18,319 --> 00:26:20,821
Are you the last two left?
575
00:26:27,161 --> 00:26:30,564
Happy Valentine's Day.
576
00:26:30,564 --> 00:26:32,366
- Uh, John McLendon.
577
00:26:32,366 --> 00:26:34,602
"Dear Peanut, after 20 plus
years of marriage,
578
00:26:34,602 --> 00:26:36,871
"how can I get my wife to,
you know, want to,
579
00:26:36,871 --> 00:26:39,640
"you know, have, um,
well, you know, sex?
580
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,609
Any thoughts?"
581
00:26:41,609 --> 00:26:43,611
- Well, John,
clearly from this question,
582
00:26:43,611 --> 00:26:48,182
it shows you like to
beat around the bush.
583
00:26:50,551 --> 00:26:54,288
And there's your problem.
584
00:26:54,288 --> 00:26:57,224
- Say goodnight, Peanut.
585
00:26:57,224 --> 00:27:02,029
[cheers and applause]
586
00:27:02,029 --> 00:27:05,299
- There's a character that has
been in my act for many years,
587
00:27:05,299 --> 00:27:06,400
but for various reasons,
588
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:07,968
he has now been all but banned
589
00:27:07,968 --> 00:27:10,838
from any new television
programming.
590
00:27:10,838 --> 00:27:14,775
[cheers and applause]
591
00:27:14,775 --> 00:27:18,345
And because of all that,
he is not with us here tonight.
592
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,981
[crowd groaning, booing]
593
00:27:20,981 --> 00:27:22,983
However!
594
00:27:22,983 --> 00:27:27,821
It seems that
he has a distant cousin...
595
00:27:27,821 --> 00:27:30,624
a long-lost relative
who apparently is immortal
596
00:27:30,624 --> 00:27:32,092
and Greek and a god.
597
00:27:32,092 --> 00:27:33,694
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
598
00:27:33,694 --> 00:27:36,397
the Greek god, Achimedes.
599
00:27:36,397 --> 00:27:39,366
[upbeat rock music]
600
00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:41,735
♪ ♪
601
00:27:41,735 --> 00:27:46,000
- [cackling]
602
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:46,640
- [cackling]
603
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:51,745
[cheers and applause]
604
00:27:51,745 --> 00:27:57,484
Greetings,
mortal human infidels!
605
00:27:57,484 --> 00:27:59,219
[cackles]
606
00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:01,188
It is I!
607
00:28:01,188 --> 00:28:03,857
What's my name?
608
00:28:03,857 --> 00:28:06,927
- Achimedes.
- Achimedes!
609
00:28:06,927 --> 00:28:12,366
I am the ancient Greek god
of keeler love.
610
00:28:12,366 --> 00:28:13,634
- What--what's killer love?
611
00:28:13,634 --> 00:28:15,502
- Not killer, keeler!
612
00:28:15,502 --> 00:28:16,637
- Keeler.
- Yes.
613
00:28:16,637 --> 00:28:18,439
- And where are you from,
Achimedes?
614
00:28:18,439 --> 00:28:20,441
- Uh...
615
00:28:20,441 --> 00:28:24,211
- Mount Olympus.
- Mm--what?
616
00:28:24,211 --> 00:28:25,312
- Yes.
- OK.
617
00:28:25,312 --> 00:28:28,782
Mount the platypus!
618
00:28:28,782 --> 00:28:29,750
- No.
- What?
619
00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:30,918
- Mount Olympus.
620
00:28:30,918 --> 00:28:35,089
- Yes, don't forget the puss.
621
00:28:35,089 --> 00:28:37,591
I am from the mountain
of platypuses!
622
00:28:37,591 --> 00:28:39,526
- No.
623
00:28:39,526 --> 00:28:40,594
- Platy-pussies?
624
00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:43,030
- No, no! No!
625
00:28:45,232 --> 00:28:47,434
- I'm not sure I can say that.
- Just forget it.
626
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:50,404
- Silence!
627
00:28:50,404 --> 00:28:51,639
I love you.
628
00:28:51,639 --> 00:28:56,210
[laughter and applause]
629
00:29:00,547 --> 00:29:01,548
- Really?
- Yes.
630
00:29:01,548 --> 00:29:03,851
It's "silence! I love you."
631
00:29:05,953 --> 00:29:07,388
- That's different.
- Yes, I know.
632
00:29:07,388 --> 00:29:09,490
I call it keeler love.
633
00:29:09,490 --> 00:29:10,824
- OK.
- Yeah.
634
00:29:10,824 --> 00:29:13,093
- I got it.
- I keel you! With love.
635
00:29:19,100 --> 00:29:20,301
- And what is your job,
Achimedes?
636
00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:21,903
- I am a god.
637
00:29:21,903 --> 00:29:24,272
- I didn't know that
being a god was a job.
638
00:29:24,272 --> 00:29:26,374
- And I didn't know that
talking to dolls was a job,
639
00:29:26,374 --> 00:29:30,111
but here we fricking are.
640
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:33,581
- So you're not dead?
641
00:29:33,581 --> 00:29:36,384
- No. I am immoral.
642
00:29:36,384 --> 00:29:38,019
- [chuckles]
643
00:29:38,019 --> 00:29:39,887
- What?
- Immortal.
644
00:29:39,887 --> 00:29:43,558
- I-- what? I don't know
that word in English.
645
00:29:43,558 --> 00:29:45,526
- It means you live forever.
646
00:29:45,526 --> 00:29:47,528
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
647
00:29:47,528 --> 00:29:49,597
- That's a thing?
- Yeah.
648
00:29:49,597 --> 00:29:53,434
- I love this country so much!
649
00:29:53,434 --> 00:29:54,635
- But you're not dead.
650
00:29:54,635 --> 00:29:56,571
- No, I am not dead.
Do I look dead?
651
00:29:56,571 --> 00:29:59,040
- Well, yes.
- Silence!
652
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:02,677
I love you.
- [snorts]
653
00:30:02,677 --> 00:30:04,078
- I have to be honest.
654
00:30:04,078 --> 00:30:07,114
That "I love you" thing
just feels wrong to me.
655
00:30:07,114 --> 00:30:08,482
- You're doing great.
- OK.
656
00:30:08,482 --> 00:30:11,819
- If you're a Greek god,
why are you here on Earth?
657
00:30:11,819 --> 00:30:14,088
- I don't know.
658
00:30:14,088 --> 00:30:17,992
We didn't talk about that.
Stick to the script.
659
00:30:17,992 --> 00:30:18,960
- Just--just go with it.
- What?
660
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:20,761
- Just go with it, ad lib.
661
00:30:20,761 --> 00:30:22,496
- OK.
662
00:30:22,496 --> 00:30:24,732
- So, Achimedes,
why are you here?
663
00:30:24,732 --> 00:30:28,703
- Uh, to play Powerball.
664
00:30:30,738 --> 00:30:32,707
- What?
- Well, you said to ad lib.
665
00:30:32,707 --> 00:30:35,576
The jackpot is huge!
666
00:30:35,576 --> 00:30:39,880
And you know us Greek gods,
we love to gamble.
667
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:41,616
Right?
- I don't know.
668
00:30:41,616 --> 00:30:44,719
- Damn it, just go with it!
669
00:30:44,719 --> 00:30:46,654
Quick,
what's a good gambling game?
670
00:30:46,654 --> 00:30:48,289
- Uh, craps.
671
00:30:48,289 --> 00:30:50,491
- What?
672
00:30:50,491 --> 00:30:51,626
- Craps.
- Are you kidding?
673
00:30:51,626 --> 00:30:52,727
- No.
- That's a game?
674
00:30:52,727 --> 00:30:54,562
- Yeah, it's huge in Vegas.
675
00:30:54,562 --> 00:30:57,832
- Gross, OK.
676
00:30:57,832 --> 00:31:02,536
Yes, my favorite thing to do
in Las Vegas is to take a crap.
677
00:31:02,536 --> 00:31:04,272
- No.
678
00:31:04,272 --> 00:31:05,773
- What?
679
00:31:07,408 --> 00:31:09,877
What?
680
00:31:09,877 --> 00:31:12,346
"Give a crap"?
- No, no.
681
00:31:12,346 --> 00:31:15,049
- I don't give a crap.
- No.
682
00:31:15,049 --> 00:31:18,986
"To play craps."
- That's worse.
683
00:31:18,986 --> 00:31:23,090
You're like monkeys in a zoo.
What the hell, dude?
684
00:31:23,090 --> 00:31:26,027
Hey, by the way,
did you see my new friend?
685
00:31:26,027 --> 00:31:27,461
- Your new friend?
- No.
686
00:31:27,461 --> 00:31:30,064
Uh, over there in the case.
Get her out.
687
00:31:30,064 --> 00:31:32,166
- Over here?
- Yeah.
688
00:31:32,166 --> 00:31:33,334
- OK.
689
00:31:33,334 --> 00:31:36,003
[crowd whooping]
690
00:31:39,740 --> 00:31:40,775
What--what is this?
691
00:31:40,775 --> 00:31:44,078
- Not what, who.
692
00:31:44,078 --> 00:31:47,615
- Sorry.
- You'll hurt her feelings.
693
00:31:47,615 --> 00:31:49,150
It's my little sheep.
694
00:31:49,150 --> 00:31:50,818
- Oh.
695
00:31:50,818 --> 00:31:52,219
A ewe?
696
00:31:52,219 --> 00:31:53,688
- A what?
697
00:31:53,688 --> 00:31:55,089
- A ewe?
698
00:31:55,089 --> 00:32:01,329
- Yes, it's a-me.
Are we a-speaking Italian now?
699
00:32:01,329 --> 00:32:02,430
- No, she's a ewe.
700
00:32:02,430 --> 00:32:03,764
- No, she's a-not a-me.
701
00:32:03,764 --> 00:32:07,168
I a-mean she's a her.
702
00:32:07,168 --> 00:32:10,204
- No, she is a ewe.
- She is not a-me.
703
00:32:10,204 --> 00:32:12,740
What is a-wrong with a-you?
704
00:32:12,740 --> 00:32:13,908
- I don't know.
705
00:32:13,908 --> 00:32:15,409
What's wrong with the ewe?
- What?
706
00:32:15,409 --> 00:32:16,744
- You just said there's
something wrong with the ewe.
707
00:32:16,744 --> 00:32:18,879
- No, I didn't.
I'm fine!
708
00:32:18,879 --> 00:32:20,114
- Not you, her.
709
00:32:20,114 --> 00:32:21,882
- You?
What, now me?
710
00:32:21,882 --> 00:32:24,485
What the fuck?
711
00:32:25,886 --> 00:32:27,788
- [breathes deeply]
712
00:32:27,788 --> 00:32:29,690
A female sheep is a ewe.
713
00:32:29,690 --> 00:32:31,459
- No, she's a-not a-me,
714
00:32:31,459 --> 00:32:35,863
and stop a-making a-fun of
the Italianos!
715
00:32:37,565 --> 00:32:38,766
- Can I pet your ewe?
716
00:32:38,766 --> 00:32:40,868
- [screams]
717
00:32:43,337 --> 00:32:45,940
Do not touch me!
718
00:32:45,940 --> 00:32:48,042
- Not you, that ewe.
719
00:32:48,042 --> 00:32:50,378
- What?
- Your ewe has very nice wool.
720
00:32:50,378 --> 00:32:52,813
- What?
721
00:32:52,813 --> 00:32:56,083
And you are a pervert!
722
00:32:57,618 --> 00:32:59,286
- So otherwise, uh, how's it--
723
00:32:59,286 --> 00:33:00,755
how's it going
being a Greek god?
724
00:33:00,755 --> 00:33:01,789
- Actually, it's not too bad.
725
00:33:01,789 --> 00:33:02,823
- Really?
- Yeah.
726
00:33:02,823 --> 00:33:04,158
It's so much fun being famous.
727
00:33:04,158 --> 00:33:05,259
- I bet.
- Yeah.
728
00:33:05,259 --> 00:33:06,827
Folks now stop me
on the street.
729
00:33:06,827 --> 00:33:09,930
They asked me for my autograph,
they want to take selfies.
730
00:33:09,930 --> 00:33:11,031
- I would think that
looking like you do,
731
00:33:11,031 --> 00:33:12,233
people would be afraid of you.
732
00:33:12,233 --> 00:33:15,202
- Of course they are.
[chuckles]
733
00:33:15,202 --> 00:33:17,438
- Oh, so you're saying
it's good being Achimedes.
734
00:33:17,438 --> 00:33:20,608
- Oh, no, no.
They think I'm Nancy Pelosi.
735
00:33:32,286 --> 00:33:38,359
I mean, look at us!
The resemblance is uncanny.
736
00:33:38,359 --> 00:33:40,795
- Achimedes.
- [screams]
737
00:33:40,795 --> 00:33:43,964
I forgot you were here.
738
00:33:43,964 --> 00:33:45,366
I would like to do
this act solo.
739
00:33:45,366 --> 00:33:47,168
- Really?
- Yes, I do not need you.
740
00:33:47,168 --> 00:33:48,936
- Oh, I think you do,
but you can do what--
741
00:33:48,936 --> 00:33:53,874
[laughter]
742
00:33:59,613 --> 00:34:03,751
- Holy crap.
743
00:34:03,751 --> 00:34:06,987
Did my arm just fall off?
744
00:34:06,987 --> 00:34:08,589
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
745
00:34:08,589 --> 00:34:10,958
- Well, I got to kick it
over into place.
746
00:34:10,958 --> 00:34:13,060
- Ow!
You stepped on my pinkie.
747
00:34:13,060 --> 00:34:16,030
How the hell did I know that?
- I don't know.
748
00:34:16,030 --> 00:34:17,000
I'm gonna have to get down
on one knee.
749
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:17,798
I'm gonna have to get down
on one knee.
750
00:34:17,798 --> 00:34:19,867
- [gasps]
This is so sudden.
751
00:34:19,867 --> 00:34:21,302
- No.
752
00:34:25,473 --> 00:34:26,640
- Put it back.
753
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,008
- All right,
just hang on a second.
754
00:34:28,008 --> 00:34:30,244
- Come on.
755
00:34:30,244 --> 00:34:33,814
- I don't know
how this goes in here.
756
00:34:33,814 --> 00:34:35,983
- That's what she said.
757
00:34:38,819 --> 00:34:41,722
- All right. OK.
758
00:34:41,722 --> 00:34:44,291
So I think the next thing--
759
00:34:56,270 --> 00:34:58,038
- Son of a bitch,
don't drop me.
760
00:34:58,038 --> 00:34:59,440
- I'm trying not to.
761
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,709
- Put 'em back!
- I'm--I'm working on it.
762
00:35:01,709 --> 00:35:03,444
Here, let's put these here.
763
00:35:03,444 --> 00:35:08,115
- [screams]
764
00:35:08,115 --> 00:35:11,752
That does not go there!
- Stop.
765
00:35:11,752 --> 00:35:15,155
- What the hell, dude?
766
00:35:15,155 --> 00:35:20,227
Look like I had
a five-fingered wiener.
767
00:35:20,227 --> 00:35:22,997
I don't have that.
- No.
768
00:35:22,997 --> 00:35:28,202
- But if I did, my underwear
would fit like a glove.
769
00:35:31,005 --> 00:35:32,473
- [chuckles]
770
00:35:32,473 --> 00:35:36,176
- Put it back!
- [laughs] I'm working on it.
771
00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:39,346
- And fix my feet, asshole.
- OK.
772
00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:40,948
All right, there.
All right, there's good.
773
00:35:40,948 --> 00:35:43,817
All right, here we go.
774
00:35:43,817 --> 00:35:46,253
- Son of a bitch!
775
00:35:46,253 --> 00:35:48,489
What am I, a fucking clock?
776
00:35:51,125 --> 00:35:54,061
I don't know if I'm coming
or going.
777
00:35:54,061 --> 00:35:55,195
- OK, just sit still.
778
00:35:55,195 --> 00:35:57,298
- Take your hand off my wiener.
779
00:36:07,575 --> 00:36:09,510
What?
780
00:36:13,681 --> 00:36:14,982
- You--you don't have a--
781
00:36:14,982 --> 00:36:17,985
- I know, I know, I know.
782
00:36:17,985 --> 00:36:21,221
It's not there.
- OK.
783
00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:24,892
- I lost it in an explos...
[grunting]
784
00:36:24,892 --> 00:36:29,997
...sive game of poker.
785
00:36:29,997 --> 00:36:33,300
- [chuckles softly] You--
786
00:36:33,300 --> 00:36:38,505
you lost--
- My wiener in a poker game.
787
00:36:38,505 --> 00:36:42,343
You should have seen
the other guy.
788
00:36:46,189 --> 00:36:47,557
- So I was talking about
Valentine's Day earlier.
789
00:36:47,557 --> 00:36:48,825
Do you do anything special
on Valentine's Day?
790
00:36:48,825 --> 00:36:51,461
- I have a romantic dinner
with my wives.
791
00:36:51,461 --> 00:36:53,663
- Oh, Greek gods have wives.
792
00:36:53,663 --> 00:36:55,198
- Yes, wives and virgins.
793
00:36:55,198 --> 00:36:59,802
- Mm.
What's the difference?
794
00:36:59,802 --> 00:37:04,274
- I call it "graduation."
795
00:37:04,274 --> 00:37:07,243
- But don't you have one
particular favorite sweetheart?
796
00:37:07,243 --> 00:37:08,845
- Well, it's not easy to say.
797
00:37:08,845 --> 00:37:10,580
- The one you like spending
the most time with.
798
00:37:10,580 --> 00:37:12,582
- [gasps]
Oh, yes, of course.
799
00:37:12,582 --> 00:37:14,784
She's the greatest of all time.
800
00:37:14,784 --> 00:37:18,388
- Ah, the greatest of all time.
She's the G.O.A.T.
801
00:37:26,296 --> 00:37:32,202
- [bleating] Yes.
802
00:37:32,202 --> 00:37:33,403
- But, Achimedes, are there
803
00:37:33,403 --> 00:37:36,105
any actual people
that you like?
804
00:37:36,105 --> 00:37:38,041
- Well...
805
00:37:38,041 --> 00:37:41,010
I like you.
806
00:37:41,010 --> 00:37:43,146
- Me?
- Yeah.
807
00:37:43,146 --> 00:37:46,683
I think you are my best friend.
808
00:37:46,683 --> 00:37:48,051
- Well, thank you.
809
00:37:48,051 --> 00:37:50,253
- And isn't Valentine's Day
when you say that?
810
00:37:50,253 --> 00:37:51,788
- Well, you can say that
at any time but
811
00:37:51,788 --> 00:37:54,557
yeah, friends can be recognized
on Valentine's Day too.
812
00:37:54,557 --> 00:37:56,593
- OK. And I--
813
00:37:56,593 --> 00:37:59,896
I kinda need you.
- Well, thank you.
814
00:37:59,896 --> 00:38:04,267
- I mean, 'cause otherwise
I might fall off of this thing.
815
00:38:04,267 --> 00:38:06,169
- Right.
- But it's more than that.
816
00:38:06,169 --> 00:38:07,303
- Thank you.
817
00:38:07,303 --> 00:38:09,305
And I feel the same way.
818
00:38:09,305 --> 00:38:12,976
- [softly] Thanks.
819
00:38:12,976 --> 00:38:16,512
♪ I can't live ♪
820
00:38:16,512 --> 00:38:19,782
♪ If living is without you ♪
821
00:38:19,782 --> 00:38:22,385
♪ I can't live ♪
822
00:38:22,385 --> 00:38:27,290
♪ I can't give any more ♪
823
00:38:27,290 --> 00:38:30,893
- [chuckles]
824
00:38:30,893 --> 00:38:32,729
- What are you laughing at?
825
00:38:32,729 --> 00:38:35,632
- Well, sometimes I ad lib
myself into a corner,
826
00:38:35,632 --> 00:38:39,636
and don't quite know
how to get out of it.
827
00:38:39,636 --> 00:38:41,571
So.
828
00:38:45,241 --> 00:38:46,609
- Yeah, it's a little awkward.
829
00:38:46,609 --> 00:38:48,611
- Little bit.
- Yeah.
830
00:38:48,611 --> 00:38:50,747
- Uh, what was that song?
- What?
831
00:38:50,747 --> 00:38:52,282
- What was the name
of that song?
832
00:38:52,282 --> 00:38:54,350
- I don't--wait.
833
00:38:54,350 --> 00:38:56,185
How the hell do I know
the lyrics to the song
834
00:38:56,185 --> 00:38:59,789
and you don't know the name?
835
00:38:59,789 --> 00:39:02,925
- I don't know. I--I--
I know it's from the '70s.
836
00:39:02,925 --> 00:39:07,697
- Well, thank you, Casey Kasem.
837
00:39:07,697 --> 00:39:09,165
What are you doing?
- What's the name of that song?
838
00:39:09,165 --> 00:39:13,202
I got to--
839
00:39:13,202 --> 00:39:14,304
I was right,
it was Harry Nilsson.
840
00:39:14,304 --> 00:39:16,506
Uh, yeah, it was "Without You."
841
00:39:16,506 --> 00:39:20,576
- What are you doing?
- I just--I don't know.
842
00:39:20,576 --> 00:39:22,812
Play "Without You"
by Harry Nilsson.
843
00:39:22,812 --> 00:39:25,114
- You don't have the signal.
That is never going to--
844
00:39:25,114 --> 00:39:28,418
oh, you got--
[song playing]
845
00:39:28,418 --> 00:39:31,454
♪ ♪
846
00:39:31,454 --> 00:39:35,525
- ♪ No, I can't forget
this evening ♪
847
00:39:35,525 --> 00:39:39,329
♪ Or your face
as you were leaving ♪
848
00:39:39,329 --> 00:39:41,264
♪ But I guess that's just-- ♪
849
00:39:41,264 --> 00:39:43,299
- Oh, look,
the phones are coming out.
850
00:39:43,299 --> 00:39:46,502
It's going to be like
a rock concert!
851
00:39:46,502 --> 00:39:49,572
- ♪ You always smile,
but in your eyes ♪
852
00:39:49,572 --> 00:39:51,341
- Look at that!
- ♪ Your sorrow shows ♪
853
00:39:51,341 --> 00:39:54,110
- You can do that, that's--
[laughs]
854
00:39:54,110 --> 00:39:57,814
- ♪ No, I can't forget
tomorrow ♪
855
00:39:57,814 --> 00:40:01,918
♪ When I think of
all my sorrows ♪
856
00:40:01,918 --> 00:40:06,589
♪ When I had you there
but then I let you go ♪
857
00:40:06,589 --> 00:40:09,459
- I love this.
I think I'm going to cry!
858
00:40:09,459 --> 00:40:14,330
- ♪ And now it's only fair
that I should let you know ♪
859
00:40:14,330 --> 00:40:17,300
- OK, we're going to have to
sing the chorus.
860
00:40:17,300 --> 00:40:20,303
Are you ready?
Here it goes, everybody!
861
00:40:20,303 --> 00:40:24,407
- ♪ Oh ♪
862
00:40:24,407 --> 00:40:28,511
[all singing]
♪ I can't live ♪
863
00:40:28,511 --> 00:40:31,981
♪ If living is without you ♪
864
00:40:31,981 --> 00:40:35,551
♪ I can't live ♪
865
00:40:35,551 --> 00:40:39,255
♪ I can't give any more ♪
866
00:40:39,255 --> 00:40:43,292
♪ I can't live ♪
867
00:40:43,292 --> 00:40:46,529
♪ If living is without you ♪
868
00:40:46,529 --> 00:40:50,299
♪ I can't give ♪
869
00:40:50,299 --> 00:40:55,037
♪ I can't give any more ♪
870
00:40:55,037 --> 00:40:59,442
- Ah, that was fantastic!
[cheers and applause]
871
00:40:59,442 --> 00:41:00,843
Say goodnight, Achimedes.
872
00:41:00,843 --> 00:41:04,647
- Thanks, Tampa Bay.
I love you!
873
00:41:04,647 --> 00:41:07,817
[upbeat rock music]
874
00:41:07,817 --> 00:41:14,357
♪ ♪
875
00:41:14,357 --> 00:41:15,625
- You guys have been
an awesome audience.
876
00:41:15,625 --> 00:41:17,293
Thanks for coming out.
877
00:41:17,293 --> 00:41:19,262
Happy Valentines Day,
everybody.
878
00:41:20,688 --> 00:41:23,324
[upbeat rock music]
879
00:41:23,324 --> 00:41:30,432
♪ ♪
880
00:41:40,809 --> 00:41:43,411
[beeping]
881
00:41:47,015 --> 00:41:49,284
- ♪ MTV ♪
58517
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