All language subtitles for Resident.Alien.S03E01.720p.WEBRip.x265-MiNX-HI

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

Hello, Harry.
My name is Joseph.

You are a Grey.

I will call you Dickhead.

You should be
helping each other,

not trying to kill one another.

There's a secret
base in Wyoming.

It's where I suspect they
keep all their information

on the Greys.

Please save my son.

There is only one person
who may have the resources

to stop the Greys...

an Air Force general
named Eleanor McCallister.

Tell me what's
going on right now.

That's my secret.

You're a dinosaur.

What?

[tense music]

♪

[panting]

♪

[dog barking]

[dog panting]

[dog yips]

♪

And lay on bed.

Damn it.

Well, you got the "leave him
inside the house" part right.

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

Mm.

[soft music]

Morning.
- Morning.

[clears throat]

How'd you sleep?

Mm, great.

But I did roll
off the bed again.

[both chuckle]

Well, I guess
it's better than sleepwalking

and waking up outside.

Mm, that's true.

It's freezing this morning.

[tense music]

How do you know that?

♪

I don't know.

Hmm.

Hmm.

[Brown Bird's "Bilgewater"]

[laid-back acoustic strumming]

♪

♪ Don't matter if
the cold wind blows ♪

♪ I'm gonna wind up working
in the thick of it ♪

[alarm blaring]

♪ Sunshine
through the rain and snow ♪

♪ There's an oily
brine bilgewater

♪ Baptism waiting below

♪

Ah.

♪

♪ That's just
the waves slamming ♪

♪ Against the topsides'
sound ♪

♪ Don't let the ever-rolling
motion go and get you down ♪

♪ Don't let it shake your
steady thread-cutting hand ♪

♪ Keep stealing ribbons
from the steel ♪

♪ And giving hell to
every halyard you can ♪

♪ In spite of all
the wherewithal ♪

♪ To fight it all
I will face it all ♪

This is the express
train to all Montana

underground facilities.

Travel time is approximately
6 minutes and 32 seconds.

♪ Will you be ready when
the straw boss calls? ♪

♪ He's got an ever-loving bone
to pick with one and all ♪

On my planet,
I worked alone, I ate alone.

My earliest memory was
gestating in my egg, alone.

When I hatched,
I was greeted by the mewling

of hundreds of siblings.

We all preferred solitude.

So naturally, we set
upon killing each other.

It is different here on Earth.

They get strength from each
other through cooperation.

Human babies cannot even live
without help from others.

It is probably a good thing
because if human babies

could kill,
they would certainly do it.

What have you done here?

Ooh!

This is garbage.

Get out of here.

Go back to your desk.

Maybe take a break
for the rest of the week.

I'll do it.

If these are the top
human thinkers on Earth,

then we are all as dead as my
siblings' mangled carcasses.

You've been here a week,

and output has slowed
to a stop.

I am the only one working.

Because you're taking
everyone's assignments.

I am the smartest being here.

It is just easier if I do it.

Lieutenant, why are
the Grey aliens on Earth?

We don't know yet because

Harry isn't being
a team player.

Look, we need
to work together if we're

going to stop the Greys.

I should be employee
of the month.

I saved everyone's butt
here last week.

These are spacecraft we've
acquired in the last 80 years.

This one might still have
its weapon system intact.

[beeps, whirrs]

Oh.

This is live.

[beeping steadily]

Oh.

Is that a countdown?

Get behind the blast doors!

[beeping stops]

That was lucky.

You need to fall in line.

You're part of a team now.

[grumbles]

[tense music]

[mouthing words]

♪

[sighs]

Cave in! The roof!

[laughs]
Whoa.

Hey, you got up early
to make me coffee?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

I'm building up goodwill.

I'm on the late shift
next week,

so I've got a full week of 4:00
a.m. drunk slumber parties.

Oh, that's great.

Great.

Anything good?

Nah.

Just some boring stuff.

I hate living in a small town.

It's like, why do they
even have a paper, right?

Wait.
What is it?

Nothing.
Please don't look at it.

Hmm.

[chuckles]
I mean, so what?

You're not upset?

No, I don't care what
some stupid

paper says about me.

Yeah, right.

I mean, look.

Last year, you were
lying to me about Harry,

and I thought I was losing you,
and it threw me.

But now it's different.

All right.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

Oh, um, I'm going
to lock my door

when you come home at 4:00 a.m.

No, my bed's a block
of ice, and I pick locks,

so get your warm feet ready.

[blues music]

♪

So that climbing gym
that my son and I

go to is actually pretty good.

You should check
it out sometime.

Oh, I'd love to.

You know, I've been
working out at home.

I curl Cletus
three times a day.

[both laugh]

Here you go.
Whenever you're ready.

Thank you very much.

It's OK, I got it.

20... there we go.

OK.

Well, I am off to work.

Have a good day.

All right.

- Hi, Liv.
- Hey.

Did you see that?

Lena paid for breakfast.

And she paid for dinner
once last week.

Wow, yeah.
That's like, wow.

You should be so
angry and stuff.

Why, again?

Because that's not
the natural order of things.

All right, men pay, women eat.

This goes back
to caveman times.

The men, they...
they go out on a hunt, right?

And then they take
down a dinosaur.

And they drag it back
to the hut, and then the women,

they prepare the cutlery
and the lemonade,

then they all sit down,
say grace, and eat.

To think just one statement
could contain 200 million

years of misinformation.

Mm.

Sir, I printed out this still
from the CCTV footage the day

Peter Bach was killed.

I think finding this guy
in the passenger seat

is the key to our
whole investigation.

Hey, what are you doing?
Not here.

You never know who got eyes
and ears on us, all right?

We'll look
at this picture later.

I don't think
I want to anymore.

I just really think we
should go to the reservation.

Hi, Sheriff.

Get the V-A-N.

You need to leave
that V-A-N alone.

It's been there for a week.

I want to check for

F-I-N-G-E-R-P-R-I-N-T-S.

H-E-L-L-L-L no.

You had two fake cops
show up at your place.

Whoever we're dealing with,
they're professional

and they're well-funded.

Look, there goes
a damn government

drone watching us right now.

I think that's just some
mustard on the window.

That's what they
want you to think.

You gotta trust no one, Deputy.

Head on a swivel.

You ain't never
really safe until you

learn to look behind yourself.

Go ahead, watch your back.
Go ahead.

Do it.

You want me to turn my...

- Mm-hmm.
- OK.

Harder.

[neck cracking]
There you go.

Ow!

Now, you do that
nine times a day,

in 16 weeks,
you'll have owl neck.

But I don't want owl neck.

Everybody want an owl neck!

♪ If the sun
was always shining ♪

♪ And our load always light

♪ We'd be shaking like a leaf
with every god-given night ♪

♪ And we'd break
under the weight ♪

♪ Of any pain that ever
came in this life ♪

Good morning, Deputy.

Someone found this
by the bus stop.

Oh, thank you, Val.

- Have a good day.
- Have a good day.

[ominous music]

♪

What do we got here, Deputy?

Oh, someone found
it near the bus stop.

I'll go through it
and see who it belongs to.

Oh, whoa, no, no.

You're not here to do...

do clerical work.

You're a deputy
for the Patience

County Sheriff's Department.

Here.

Deputy Liv will process that.

There you go.

It's my lucky day.

See?

Look, uh, I got a gut
feeling that something

might be going down.

So I just want you to keep
your eyes peeled

for anyone suspicious.

Oh, don't worry.

If anybody's up to something,
I'll know it.

Damn, you smell
like a winner.

♪

What do you think?

Purr-fect.

I told you already,
we are not getting a cat.

Eh, you'll change your mind.

Harry, where have you been?

Your shift started,
like, an hour ago.

It is the General's fault
for making me work late.

Do not bite my balls.

There is 0% chance
of that happening.

Hello.

I'm looking for
Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle.

I'm Ellen.

I'm the one you're
looking for, officer.

I've broken six laws
since this morning.

Hi. I...

[tense music]

What are you doing here?

And why are you dressed
like it is Halloween?

Oh, I live here now.

Got a job, an apartment.

Figured I'd settle in
till I figure out what it is

you're up to.

You were supposed to leave the
planet on a ship we provided,

but you're still here.

Why?

I do not like
public transportation.

So why don't you
go away, or I will

tell everyone you are a Grey.

Nope, that's against the
Galactic Federation's charter.

Addendum two, command
order five... no alien

can reveal themselves
or another alien

being to a non-alien.

I have a copy of that charter
right here in my pocket.

It's on page one!

[laughs]

Just know I am watching you,
and I will figure

out what you're doing here.

And I will figure out
what you are doing here.

I'm here to figure out
what you're doing here.

Then I just figured it out.

I win.

[laughs]

♪

She's your friend, isn't she?

She's very pretty.

You stay away from her.

I'm Asta.

Hi, Asta.

I'm Joseph.

Hi.

Well, I'll let you
get back to work.

I just wanted to say hi.

I may have to drop by
more often.

Cool.

I've got to go
do '50s cop stuff.

But want to hang out later?

Shut up.

Come on.

♪ He wants to see you
in the shower ♪

- What?
- ♪ In the shower

What are you even doing?

♪ Where you go
to clean yourself, it's dirty ♪

[tense music]

♪

[gasps]

[breathing heavily]

It's not the first
time I saw it.

The owl was here
last week, too.

I'm getting new blinds today.

What?

Honey, no way.

It is good luck to have
an owl staring at you.

Why would it be good luck?

I don't know.

I just made it up
to save money on blinds.

Blinds it is.

[soft music]

♪

Working in a group
like a human is not efficient.

Yesterday, I spent half
the day searching my email

for data sequencing numbers,
but all I found were

fantasy football requests.

If I'm going to defeat
Joseph, I need to work

alone like a real alien.

So I handled it exactly
like a human worker would.

I texted Jeff and asked him to
tell the General I was sick.

Jeff is a horrible liar.

You need to come to work.

We picked up alien chatter.

I need you to go through it.

Plus you have
to take the HR seminar.

I have something
better than chatter.

I have found someone
who is doing the chattering.

Why do you have
a picture of a boy's chest?

Oh, that's my chest.

I have been manscaping.

Wait.

That's our mole.

That's the man who shot
Peter Bach and my guards.

He is also
a Grey hybrid alien.

He is here.

I have been watching him.

Here he is drinking coffee.

Here he is crossing the street.

This is me after leg day.

Here he is making
a suspicious phone call.

That is my penis.

Yeah.

You're definitely going to
have to take the HR seminar.

Look, we need to find out
what the Greys are up to.

I'll get a team
to go grab this Joseph.

No, no, then they will know
that we are onto them.

I will deal, uh,
with this Joseph myself.

Do not worry.

I have a plan.

[laughs]

I do not have a plan.

I was just
at the comic book store.

The conspiracy kids there
said the Alien Tracker's

death was no accident.

He was murdered.

Those kids don't know
what they're talking about.

They think Bigfoot and
Sasquatch are the same thing.

They are the same thing.

They got to you too.

You're being paranoid.

Those kids are
actually kind of nice.

Maybe you should spend
more time with them,

make some new friends?

I don't need new friends.

Wait, do you not want
to be my friend anymore?

Yes, I'm your friend,
and I protected you.

I didn't tell them
the Alien Tracker's

death was your fault.

What?
How is it my fault?

You sold him out to Harry,
and Harry killed him.

Think about it.

The last time we knew
the Alien Tracker was alive,

he was headed to Harry's cabin.

We have to go there
and sniff around.

[Jack the Radio's
"Just What I Need"]

♪

Hey, Deputy,
what's the emergency?

I have to tell you something.

Um, but I want
to be very careful,

just in case
we're being watched.

Come here.

♪ Late night radio

♪ Still hear you
singing to me ♪

This way,
if someone is onto us,

nobody can hear
what we're saying.

- You're going haying?
- No.

Listen, that duffel bag belongs
to the Alien Tracker's son.

I found the information
in a diary.

Who... who has diarrhea?

No, diary!

- Diarrhea?
- Diary!

And I found the name
of the son's therapist.

He lives in Utah.

And get this...
he was murdered last night.

Damn.

Things have taken a turn.

It's no wonder
you got diarrhea.

What?

Your diarrhea.

Listen, we got to get that van.

John's parents aren't safe.

Why do you have diarrhea?

I don't have diarrhea!
[music stops]

[coughs]

♪

I cleared it up.

I ate a bunch
of bananas and toast.

I can't ask Joseph out.

Why not?

He looked at you
like a Christmas ham.

I'm just not ready to date.

Come on.
Look at you.

You're perfect.
You're more than ready.

You're smart, you're funny.

Oh, I would love
to go to a restaurant

where they don't give me a pack
of crayons to color my menu.

Oh.

I guess you're joining us.

No.

I just wanted fries.
These need salt.

It's just too soon.

I barely left Jimmy.

Is this girl talk?

I want to play.

You go, girl.

D'arcy and Kayla
think that I should

ask Deputy Joseph on a date.

You cannot go, girl.

Men ask women out.
Women do not ask men.

It is not their place.

Do you want
to try that again?

He's not even a nurse.

You will have nothing
to talk about.

Have you ever been on a date?

He has.
Not much of a talker.

Kisses like a goat.

- Ew.
- Thank you.

Look.

Sometimes it's nice to
meet new people, you know?

Get to know them.

If Asta goes out
with the Grey,

she can get information for me.

I changed my mind.

You can go on the date.

[laughs] You think
she needs your permission?

You said it, sister.

Yasss, queen.

He was kind of cute.

There's my girl.

That's also my girl.

Who runs the world?

Girls.

[tense music]

[Kalyn Fay's "Tulsa"]

♪ I like the city,
but not as much as Tulsa ♪

♪

Hey, there.

You must be John's parents.

I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson
from Patience.

I work with
your daughter-in-law.

I'm meeting her and John
here to see the van.

We don't have
a daughter-in-law or a van.

Don't know a John.

Huh.

I could swear that
this was the right house.

It's even got a brown barn
with white doors.

Don't have a brown barn.

Or white doors.

The barn right there,
it's brown.

I'm looking at it
with my own eyes.

We don't have eyes.

There's a lot of confusing
shit coming from over here.

I'm going to be
honest with you.

[horn honks]

- Hey, it's Livy and John.
- Hey-hey.

Hi.

- How are you?
- Hello.

Hey, John.

- Hey, honey.
- You're just in time.

- Hi, my boy.
- Hi, Fingers.

Hey.

We made a big batch
of jerky this time.

You should take some home.
- Ooh.

[clears throat]
You said you didn't know them.

Don't take it personally.

They just don't
trust outsiders.

It's a, you know,
fool-me-once kind of thing.

Liv was really worried the
van might get you in trouble

with the government.

[laughter]

The U.S. government?

[gasps]
I'm so scared.

Yeah, tell them it's here.

This is Ute land.

They come here, I'll be slicing
off more than jerky, eh?

[laughter]

[laughs nervously]

Come on, my boy.

Come help me.

They're jokers.

Hey, you started without me.

- What do you think?
- It looks great, babe.

Is that a fetus?

Yes, it is.

It's, uh, Max.

You know, I kept having
this image in my head,

and then I realized it
must be Max's ultrasound.

It's cool, huh?

[dramatic music]

Oh, god.
Uh, I don't...

- Babe?
- I don't feel so good.

Whew.

Oh, what... what, uh...

what is that bracelet?

Well, uh...

I... I just got it
at an antique market.

Can you please not point
that mug at me?

Oh, I feel sick.

[both gagging, retching]

Heroes work alone.

The General may have provided
me with the equipment,

but I am doing all the work,
so I am the real hero.

Just like the most famous
alien hero, Superman.

[knocking]

What do you want?

I need to talk to you.

[whispering] Keep him busy.

I need to use your bathroom.

Fine, but do not stink it up.

I have not brushed
my teeth yet.

You need to tell me what
happened to the Alien Tracker.

Alien Tracker?

Well, is an old guy,
kind of bald?

I think his son
put him in a home.

What are you doing over there?

I thought you said you
needed to go to the bathroom.

Just looking for a magazine.

It might be a while.

Harry, you need
to tell me the truth.

Did you kill him
the night I sent him here?

Of course I did not kill him.

He did not even come here.

I was very upset.

I had to soothe myself
with some breezy music.

Have you heard of yacht rock?

OK, Max. Let's go.

I did not hear a flush.

It was a false alarm.

But I did clean the toilet
with your toothbrush.

Well, the joke is on you
because I will not

pay you for your maid service!

[laughs]

See? I told you.

Harry said the Alien Tracker
never even came here.

If the Alien Tracker
never came here,

then how did I find this?

Harry lied to me?

Yes, because Harry
is a bad alien.

I think it's time
we got some backup.

I'll put out some
feelers to those kids

at the comic book store.

[tense music]

Pass me some more tape.

♪

What you doing
with all these sponges?

I didn't want
to raise red flags

using department resources,
so I bought

the fingerprint kit online.

And the scrubber is
for my cast-iron skillet.

Wait, wait, you wash
your cast-iron skillet?

You can't do that.

Where do you think
the food's flavor come from?

The food?

The skillet.

What you think got more flavor,
the food you're cooking,

or 10 years of food
cooked on iron?

I don't know, but now
my stomach feels weird.

[scoffs]
Shit.

Scrubbing a cast-iron
skillet, that's like...

that's like washing your hands
before you eat a sandwich.

Half of what you taste
on the sandwiches,

that's... that's finger flavor.

Wait.

Is this...

Yeah.

That right there
is a fingerprint.

Good job, Deputy.

Hi.

I'm excited for your date,
so I bought you a present.

It's a makeup container.

You can put powder on your
nose and on your cheeks.

It's also a listening device,
so I can spy on your date.

Thank you.
That's sweet.

Um, I'm just not really
the nose-powdering type.

You should be.

Your face is sweaty.

That's less sweet.

Take it with you on your date
with Joseph, and ask him lots

of questions about himself.

Human men like that.

I know how to go on a date.

Do you?

I... I am an alien.

I have been on more
dates than you.

[chuckles nervously]
Good luck.

♪

[singing in French]

[Ingrid Hagelberg's
"Je Sais Qu'on Va S'revoir"]

♪

I'll be honest,
I'm surprised you asked me out.

Well, I'll be honest,
I was surprised, too.

I haven't been
on a date in a while.

I mean, I could have, probably.

But I've been busy at work,

also reconnecting
with my daughter,

which is a whole story.

I like to read at night.

I am nervous.

Maybe if I just
drink this beer,

my mouth will stop talking.

I'm also divorced.

I like that you're nervous.

It means I'm not the only one.

I don't date much either.

Oh, yeah?

Why not?

I move around a lot.

I always have,
since I was young.

Never stayed in one place for
more than a couple of months.

Mm, that's hard.

I grew up here,
but I left for a while.

And when I came back,
it sort of felt like I left

half of myself somewhere else.

Well, I'm glad
I met this half.

Uh, or no.

Actually, like, I'm still that
person, but two people in one.

I don't know.
- No.

Two people in one,
but sometimes only half.

That's kind of
a perfect way to put it.

[soft music]

High school was
in New Hampshire.

I grew up on a lake.

My mother was
a hairdresser named Marlene,

and my father was
a small-town doctor.

Kind of like your
Harry Vanderspeigle.

[laughing]
Oh, Harry.

One of a kind.

Tell me about him.

Oh.
[laughs]

Come on, I haven't even
finished my first drink yet.

You don't really expect me
to talk about work.

Oh.

Don't worry,
I won't ask you about Harry

again until drink number two.

[chuckles]

♪

My alliance with
the General is working well.

Having her deliver
military surveillance

equipment to my house is
easier than buying it online.

I did not even have
to pay for shipping.

D'arcy doesn't
know we're here, OK?

So you have to promise
not to say anything.

What the hell is this?

I know you'll keep
your widdle mouth shut,

because you're
not a tattletale.

No, you're not.

You have a tail, but that's
just a skin tail, OK?

So time to get
your nubs in the tubs.

Asta left
her makeup at home.

[tense music]

♪

♪ Oh, Kevin boy ♪

♪ Your skin is
pink and stretchy ♪

♪ From ear to ear
and down to your backside ♪

[cat meows]

♪ You have no hair

♪ And look like a raw chicken

♪ It's true, it's true

♪ Your skin is soft rawhide

Oh.

Well, hello, sailor.

Hi.

[cat meows]
- You want to get out?

[cat meows]

[sighs] He gets so
self-conscious about his body.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just, you know,
making a little Judy soup.

[laughs]
You want to taste it?

Make sure it's ready?

[chuckles]
Oh, oh, no.

Oh, my body's
rising to the top.

[laughs]
- Please stop.

Oh, fine.

Maybe we can just
keep this between us

because Asta and D'arcy
don't totally

know that I use their bathtub.

Mine's full of dirty dishes.

I will keep it a secret,
if you keep it a secret

that I was here.

Oh, my lips are sealed.

♪

[cat meows]

[gasps]

[chuckles]

God, JuJu, you scared me.

What are you doing here?

Uh, Kevin really wanted
to see your new place, so...

Oh, OK.
Yeah, sure.

OK, OK.
That's OK, baby.

You can go see the bedroom.

And while we were here,
we just decided to take a bath.

- Gotta.
- It's working really well.

[clicks tongue]

If someone mentioned
to you that I was here,

then that just means
that I am way better

at keeping secrets than he is.

Wait, someone else was here?

The human bladder is

not considered full until
it holds two cups of liquid.

Or in this case, that local
beer Joseph is drinking.

That was faster than expected.

Maybe because that local beer
is already like urine.

Hello, Asta, my friend.
- Mm.

What are you doing here?

I forgot to give
you your good luck

hug before your date.

Oh, good luck to you.

OK.

That's sweet,
but you can go now.

Some French fries.

Harry.

♪

[doorbell rings]

[soft music]

- Oh.
- Hi, Mrs. Hawthorne.

- Hi.
- Is Max around?

Yeah, sure.
Come on in.

Max, Sahar is here.

OK.

I am going to go
pick up dinner.

Oh, Sahar,
you want to eat with us?

No, thanks.

I don't eat takeout,
because the packaging is

slowly destroying the Earth.

It's OK to just say no.

Where were you?

You were supposed to meet me
at the comic book store

so we could find some recruits.

I told you, I don't want
to be friends with those kids.

Our group is fine
with just the two of us.

Two isn't a group.
It's a couple.

I thought two was a few.

- Why would you think that?
- It rhymes.

Look, more people is better
because, like, you never know

when you might lose someone.

Who are we going to lose?

Me.

What?

I'm going away, Max.

To jail?

What?

No.

I tested into
a prestigious academic program

for gifted children
in California.

But you can't move away.

I'm sorry
I didn't tell you sooner.

I just thought if you
had some new friends

to hang around with,
you wouldn't care if I left.

Of course I care.

You're the only real friend
I ever had that didn't

make me feel like I'm a freak.

You're not a freak.

You're special.

Now that
the Alien Tracker is gone,

you're the only one
who can identify aliens.

You know what
a unique gift that is?

Wait.

Are you saying
I'm the new Alien Tracker?

That I'm all-powerful?

What?

No, not exactly...

Is it possible only the true

Alien Tracker
can lift the taser?

Well, I actually carried
it out of Harry's house...

I am the one.

I am the Alien Tracker.

I am he, and him is I.

Yeah, Earth is in good hands.

Hey, Dan.
Is my order ready?

Give me one minute.

Oh, hi, Kayla.

Hi, Rachel.
- Mm.

How's it going?

Oh, I'm good.

I was just
grabbing some takeout.

- Come sit.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, you know, I am...

I'm not getting a lot
of sleep, thanks to the owl

outside my window that's
keeping me awake at night.

You have an owl
outside your house?

Yeah.

Why?

Well, it's just,
for our people

owls are a little taboo.

They're messengers of death.

What?

OK, it's more
like a metaphor.

You're going to be fine.
And come on.

We're in Colorado.

There's going to be owls
flying all over the place.

Well, the owl isn't flying.

It just sits outside
my window and stares at me.

Here you go, Kate.

Three burgers,
one extra well-done for Ben.

[chuckles] Hope he
enjoys his shoe leather.

[clears throat]

What's going on?

Something wrong with the food?

Kate has an owl sitting
outside of her window.

It just stares at her.

Take this cedar,
Kate, and burn it

in every room in your house.

But don't use a lighter,
use a match.

Oh, my god.

Usually we use sage
or sweetgrass.

But this is stronger.

It'll offer you more protection,
which you need.

Just burn the cedar, OK?

You're going to be fine.

Wait, would you come over
to the house and help me?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Dan, would you...

Are you sure
you don't want any dessert,

or another drink, maybe?

No, thank you.
But you know...

Do I need to put up
no trespassing signs?

You have three
seconds to tell me

why you're listening
to Asta's date,

or I'm going
to smash this shit.

I do not care.

If you break it, you buy it.

[tense music]

♪

[screams]

That is way more pieces
than I would have guessed.

You are so stupid!

Now the world will end,
and it will be your fault.

What the hell are
you talking about?

Joseph is a Grey alien.

What?

And you let Asta
go out with him?

I needed to figure
out what the Grey

aliens were doing here.

Oh, by risking Asta's life?

I was keeping Asta safe
by listening to the date,

but you broke the radio.

How could you do that to Asta?

You're a bad friend.

Pick up.

Pick up, goddamn it.

Do not worry.

He will not hurt her
when they are in public.

Well, they left Laurent's.

All right.

They're headed
to our apartment.

You are tracking Asta?

You are doing what I was doing.

It's only creepy
if you do it.

Can I get a ride with you?

Uh, no.

Yeah, it was kind
of our special thing.

When me and Dad went
fishing, I don't know,

it was like the rest
of the world didn't exist.

[chuckles]

[soft music]

What about your mother?

Um, she wasn't around.

[door bangs]

- Oh.
- Hey.

- [groans]
- Oh, are you OK?

[grunts]
Uh, no.

No, I... [clears throat]

[retches]

I had a gnarly fish sandwich,
so I'm sick.

[retches]
I should be alone with Asta.

Oh.

- [gagging]
- OK, I'm here.

Everything's going to be OK.

Oh, yeah.
[retches]

Well, yeah.

Well, I should probably go.
Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you
for a lovely evening, and...

[gagging]

Maybe we could
do it again sometime.

All right. OK.

All right.
I need to tell you something.

Wait, that was an act?

- I had to get rid of him.
- Why?

You're the one that wanted me
to go on this date.

You made me buy new underwear.

You should sit down.

And, uh, maybe start
drinking that wine.

- Uh...
- From the bottle.

Now you're scaring me.

What's going on?

Harry.

[tense music]

What is Harry doing here?

Yes, Harry,
what are you doing here?

Joseph is a Grey alien
here to destroy the planet.

What?

[groans]

And you let me go
on a date with him?

Also, Judy Pooper used your
bathtub without permission.

Can you believe her?

I think I would feel better
if someone said something.

Such a bad alien.

You're bad!
- No, don't hit him with that.

Fine.

Now that you
know who Harry is,

you should also
know that he's not

emotionally evolved
enough to distinguish

between right and wrong.

He's basically a child.
- Just a child.

- He doesn't get it.
- I don't get it.

But I still want to hit him.

I only did it because I
was trying to save the Earth.

OK, but we talked
about this before.

You don't do that to someone
that you care about.

I also care about the Earth.

I had no choice.

Please, Harry, just go.

[somber music]

♪

[sighs]

You know, I'm more mad
at myself than Harry.

[inhales sharply]
What is wrong with me?

I finally feel like going
on a date for the first time

since Jimmy, and what do I do?

I choose the asshole again.

You can't blame yourself.

Come on.

No, it's just bad luck.

You can't... you can't give up.

[phone dings]

[sighs]
"Had fun.

You looked very pretty tonight.
Can I see you again?"

Aw.
- Aw, that's kind of sweet... no.

- What the hell?
- You should give up.

[Van Morrison's "Bein' Green"]

♪

I used to prefer
working alone.

♪

But as a human,
you're never really alone.

OK.

- Night.
- Night.

Every decision
you make affects other people.

♪ When it could be nicer

♪ Being red
or yellow or gold ♪

♪ Or something much more
colorful like that ♪

♪

♪ Like that

♪ It's not, it's not

Maybe that's why humans

struggle with difficult
decisions all the time.

♪

♪ You seem to blend
in with so many ♪

♪ Ordinary, everyday

Some are small
and affect only a few.

♪

I think we should
sell the house.

♪ Standing out like
sparkles in the water ♪

Other decisions are so big
they affect the entire planet.

I knew what I was doing when
I told Asta to date Joseph.

I was making the decision
that the Earth is more

important than any one person.

But what if that
one person feels

more important than anything?

What if you love them
so much, you will choose

what is best for them
over what is best

for an entire planet?

If I am a superhero,
Asta is my kryptonite.

[gasps]

[sighs]

Harry?

Harry, you scared me.

[grunts]

What are you doing here?

Are you crying?

I came in here to kill you.

What's that now?

Oh, do not worry.

I could not do it.

And even if I did, your murder
would be gentle, painless.

[laughs]
OK.

Well, that's good to know.

Asta, what should I do?

I could have gotten
information from Joseph,

information that would
help me save the planet.

But I had to stop
because of you.

I will always have
to stop because of you.

I don't understand.

I care about you too much.

If I could just kill you,
I could save the world.

But if I save you,
then the world dies

and you die with it,
so why can I not just kill you?

[sobbing]
- Oh, Harry.

Oh, Har...

You're afraid of me now.

No, I know you
would never kill me.

[soft music]

And I'm going to help you.

I will not let you
fail your mission.

You'll kill yourself?

You are such a good friend!

- Oh.
- You're a good friend.

No.

Do you know what one
of the best things

is about being human?

The colon.

Choice.

We choose what we do, OK?

I'm going to go on
another date with Joseph.

No, you cannot do that.

The Grey aliens
are very dangerous.

I know.
But I choose to go.

And... and this time, you won't
have to hide a mic in my bag.

I'll find out what
you need to know.

You and I are going
to save Earth together.

The problem
with working as a team

is sometimes other
people can hold you back.

But all the best
superheroes have sidekicks.

Even Superman has Lois Lane.

If you have the right
person on your team,

they do not hold you back.

They lift you up.

♪ It's not, it's not easy

♪ Being green

♪ You seem to blend in
with so many ♪

♪ Ordinary, everyday things

♪ And people tend to pass
you by because you're not ♪

♪ Standing out like
sparkles in the water ♪

♪ Or stars in the sky

♪

♪ But green's
the color of spring ♪