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Nine Gay Dead Guys
3
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The year I went down to London
to actively seek work
4
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was a significant year for me.
5
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Dossing about on the dole
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was hardly new to me exactly,
but dossing about on the dole
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down in London...
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now that was a significant change.
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You see, I'm a lazy bastard at the best of times,
10
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But if a dosser like me can find gainful
employment
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in the big smoke
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then so could anyone.
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or at least that's what I told
14
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my best mate Kenny, from Ireland.
15
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Which might explain why you see him here.
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My best mate Kenny, over, from Ireland.
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Unannounced, unexpectedly visiting,
18
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this lazy bastard
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Who, it has to be said, well
20
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It goes without saying,
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That lazy bastard's me.
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For frig's sake, Kenny,
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What the frig are you doing here?
24
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What the frig are you doing here?
More like it.
25
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You look like shite...
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I feel like shite.
27
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Rough night, last night, was it?
28
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Yeah
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Guess you'd call it that.
30
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What happened there?
31
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What happened where?
32
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There!
33
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Black Death, last night
34
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Black Death, last night...
35
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What?
36
00:03:57,047 --> 00:03:58,632
Call in sick, did you?
37
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you know, work
38
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Your job.
39
00:04:02,254 --> 00:04:04,354
Recruitment Manager
In the city, 18 K.
40
00:04:07,062 --> 00:04:08,846
You don't have one, do you?
41
00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:12,280
Now, I could have lied and said 'yes'
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00:04:13,071 --> 00:04:14,857
And granted, my mate Kenny he does look stupid,
43
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But let's be honest here.
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Look at the state of me.
45
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I had to say
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No.
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Frig me Byron,
Look at you.
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You're a frigging mess.
49
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You're back on the booze again?
50
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For frig's sake, Kenny.
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You're giving me a sore head.
52
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That's not me.
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That's last night.
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What are you down here for anyway?
55
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I'm down here because you told me
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the streets of London are paved with gold.
57
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Like shite.
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00:04:40,116 --> 00:04:41,638
Exactly, like shite.
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I think I need a drink.
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00:04:51,135 --> 00:04:53,219
I think it's me that needs a drink.
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Look, Byron.
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It's my last fiver.
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my one and only.
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00:05:09,164 --> 00:05:11,170
You don't know any good pub by any
chance, do you?
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Aye, I knew a good pub alright.
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00:05:14,174 --> 00:05:15,727
My best mate Kenny.
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Only a wee part of him had fallen for
my story
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about the city job.
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00:05:20,184 --> 00:05:21,183
...two Guinnesses, please.
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The larger percentage,
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00:05:22,186 --> 00:05:24,832
The overruling majority of him had always
suspected
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that it was a total load of shite.
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Byron?
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What?
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00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:30,751
Still, all the same,
76
00:05:31,201 --> 00:05:33,205
I don't think he could have quite expected this.
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Know what I mean?
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This is a frigging gay pub!
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Aye, I know.
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If you know, then what the fuck are
we doing here?
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Kenny!
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A pub's a pub, a drink's a drink,
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And I need a frigging drink.
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00:05:46,227 --> 00:05:47,847
Now, where's your fiver?
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Here.
Well where's your money?
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Kenny,
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There's detox week
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and there's giro week
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This is detox week.
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00:05:55,854 --> 00:05:56,244
you happy?
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00:05:56,244 --> 00:05:58,247
I'll be happy just as long as
no one talks to us
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00:05:58,247 --> 00:05:59,899
all right?
93
00:06:00,250 --> 00:06:01,474
Hi, Byron.
94
00:06:05,258 --> 00:06:06,813
Hey, have you heard?
95
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The queen's dead!
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The queen dead? No!
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Yes, died last night.
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Poor bitch!
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Now that, presumably,
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00:06:26,292 --> 00:06:28,296
was the first gay guy, to my knowledge,
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that Kenny has ever met in his
entire life.
102
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At least, it's the first gay guy
he's ever met through me!
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00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:37,311
And I'll have to be honest with you,
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It was far from being the last.
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You all right, Kenny?
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Just so long as you don't kiss any
more gay guys
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00:06:45,324 --> 00:06:47,507
on the cheek I'll be all right.
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Byron
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Hi Jeff.
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00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,647
How are you?
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Take a seat and meet my mate Kenny.
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He's just come over from Ireland.
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Oh, from Ireland, how sweet.
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Unfortunately, you Irish boys
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tend to get corrupted when you get to London
116
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so my advice to you would be to go
straight back.
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Unlike you, I am addicted
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to this God-awful city, unfortunately.
119
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Yes, I'm much too old to be a practicing poof,
120
00:07:34,405 --> 00:07:36,787
But I enjoy it rather too much to give it up.
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Oh, Byron, have you heard,
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Her majesty, her royal highness
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is dead.
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I did actually.
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When did that happen?
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Last night.
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As much as a paddy would welcome
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00:07:54,438 --> 00:07:56,443
the abolition of the royal family,
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the dead queen in question was unfortunately not
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the ruler of England, but was,
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in fact, yet another male homosexual.
132
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Or in other words, the queen
was a dead gay guy.
133
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Dead Gay Gay Number One, you might say.
134
00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:13,471
As he was to be the first of nine,
135
00:08:13,471 --> 00:08:14,473
But the only one to be
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electrocuted!
137
00:08:18,478 --> 00:08:19,480
Electrocuted?
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Yes, with a cattle prod.
139
00:08:21,483 --> 00:08:22,485
With a cattle prod?
140
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Yes, a cattle prod.
141
00:08:23,487 --> 00:08:25,766
I mean that's a Class 5 Offensive Weapon.
142
00:08:26,491 --> 00:08:28,012
Anyway, she's dead.
143
00:08:28,495 --> 00:08:30,412
Regrettably, irredeemably, dead.
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Death is a strange thing really.
145
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There's something about death
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That makes one feel so very much ... alive.
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There's a cruel irony, yes there is,
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A cruel irony that while some poor
bastard
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is decomposing six feet under,
150
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,278
We're still here, to live
151
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And love.
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And shop
153
00:08:53,537 --> 00:08:54,726
and suck.
154
00:08:56,541 --> 00:08:57,542
Now tell me, Byron,
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00:08:57,542 --> 00:09:00,056
I may be mistaken, but isn't this
your detox week?
156
00:09:03,553 --> 00:09:05,934
Oh, maybe it's your uhh, let me see,
let me see,
157
00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:08,561
Yes, it's your giro week.
158
00:09:08,561 --> 00:09:10,215
Oh, no, no, no,
159
00:09:10,566 --> 00:09:12,283
It's not giro week, Jeff.
160
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:14,783
Really? So what kind of a week is it?
161
00:09:16,574 --> 00:09:17,930
It's Jeff week.
162
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That's right, it is.
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00:09:23,587 --> 00:09:24,809
Oh, Byron.
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Thank you, Byron.
165
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Thank you very much.
166
00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:39,612
No problem.
167
00:09:39,612 --> 00:09:40,614
Very good this time.
168
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Cheers, Jeff.
169
00:09:42,618 --> 00:09:44,997
There was giro week,
And there was detox week.
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Detox was short for detoxification.
171
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Or in other words, finances were low,
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Too low to drink the Black Death,
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00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,222
which is a bad thing.
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00:09:55,641 --> 00:09:57,192
But then I met Jeff,
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00:09:57,642 --> 00:10:00,288
And detox week became Jeff week,
which was a good thing.
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00:10:01,649 --> 00:10:02,652
This was Jeff week.
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00:10:02,652 --> 00:10:04,272
Or in other, other words,
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Any week that I drank Jeff,
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I would drink the Black Death!
180
00:10:08,660 --> 00:10:10,248
Or not, as it happens.
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00:10:10,663 --> 00:10:12,183
It was past 11.
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Hi.
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A bottle of Black Death, please.
184
00:10:17,675 --> 00:10:18,678
No, mate.
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00:10:18,678 --> 00:10:20,527
Aw c'mon, give us a break.
186
00:10:21,681 --> 00:10:23,137
It's gone 11:00.
187
00:10:24,686 --> 00:10:26,691
But it's just gone one minute past, though.
188
00:10:26,688 --> 00:10:29,499
Look, it's my license. I ain't laying
it on the line for you.
189
00:10:29,694 --> 00:10:31,878
But it's not just for me, though, is it?
190
00:10:32,702 --> 00:10:34,255
It's for him as well.
191
00:10:35,706 --> 00:10:36,708
Yeah.
192
00:10:36,708 --> 00:10:37,710
C'mon, mate.
193
00:10:37,710 --> 00:10:38,711
He's my long lost brother, right?
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00:10:38,711 --> 00:10:40,715
We just need a bit of drink to celebrate, OK?
195
00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:43,589
I ain't serving you, or your h-block long lost brother
here.
196
00:10:43,719 --> 00:10:45,967
And now I can't serve you compassionately this side of
11 o'clock.
197
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Do you get me?
198
00:11:05,754 --> 00:11:07,904
Now, a bottle of Black Death, please?
199
00:11:08,761 --> 00:11:10,379
What the fuck is that?
200
00:11:11,765 --> 00:11:13,285
It's a cattle prod!
201
00:11:13,768 --> 00:11:15,751
It's a Class 5 Offensive Weapon.
202
00:11:15,771 --> 00:11:18,219
Byron, you're a fucking arsehole, you know that?
203
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:21,091
That's a mouth now! Just get it, right?
204
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:23,962
Try coming in before 11, sometime?
205
00:11:24,786 --> 00:11:26,539
It's a lot easier that way.
206
00:11:30,796 --> 00:11:32,880
Where'd you get this thing anyway?
207
00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:34,992
I found it.
208
00:11:36,807 --> 00:11:38,723
What do you mean, you found it?
209
00:11:40,814 --> 00:11:42,269
I mean I found it.
210
00:11:42,816 --> 00:11:44,072
Last night.
211
00:11:45,822 --> 00:11:48,334
A lot of things happened last night,
didn't they?
212
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:48,825
What?
213
00:11:48,827 --> 00:11:50,778
Look, don't "What" me, all right?
214
00:11:50,831 --> 00:11:51,831
What exactly happened last night,
that's what.
215
00:11:51,831 --> 00:11:53,650
Nothing happened last night.
216
00:11:54,837 --> 00:11:56,840
I was in the back room, that's all.
217
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,163
The back room?
218
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:02,664
What the freak is a back room?
219
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,146
The back room,
220
00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:09,863
Otherwise known as a dark room,
221
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:12,374
Otherwise known as the play room,
was aptly named.
222
00:12:15,870 --> 00:12:18,153
It was in the back,
it was dark as shite,
223
00:12:18,877 --> 00:12:19,877
and it was full of boys
224
00:12:19,877 --> 00:12:21,895
playing with each other's toys.
225
00:12:24,886 --> 00:12:26,890
Not that I would ever call it that, no
226
00:12:26,890 --> 00:12:28,893
Giving a guy a blow job for money
227
00:12:28,893 --> 00:12:31,306
was what I called legitimate, lucrative work.
228
00:12:34,903 --> 00:12:37,383
Giving a guy a blow job while stealing his money
229
00:12:37,906 --> 00:12:40,386
was what I called illegitimate, lucrative work.
230
00:12:42,915 --> 00:12:44,920
This was the illegitimate variety.
231
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,967
Only the guy didn't have any money.
232
00:12:48,927 --> 00:12:50,931
This cattle prod killed the queen.
233
00:12:50,931 --> 00:12:51,987
What?
234
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:55,446
The guy you stole this frigging cattle
prod from
235
00:12:55,937 --> 00:12:57,889
electrocuted the queen to death.
236
00:12:57,942 --> 00:12:58,944
You think so?
237
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:00,366
You know he did!
238
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,955
You mean to tell me,
you gave a murderer a blow job?
239
00:13:04,955 --> 00:13:06,639
It was detox week, Kenny.
240
00:13:06,957 --> 00:13:07,959
He was a murderer, Byron!
241
00:13:07,959 --> 00:13:08,960
I freaking didn't know
242
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,963
that he was a murderer at the time, Kenny!
243
00:13:10,963 --> 00:13:12,965
Most cases you stick your hand down a guy's pocket
244
00:13:12,965 --> 00:13:14,968
you expect to find a wallet,
245
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:15,969
not a fricking cattle prod!
246
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:17,974
You know you're gonna have to go to the police.
247
00:13:17,974 --> 00:13:18,974
You're gonna have to hand it in.
248
00:13:18,974 --> 00:13:20,694
It's a piece of evidence.
249
00:13:20,978 --> 00:13:23,227
And what would you like me to tell them?
250
00:13:23,982 --> 00:13:25,987
'Ah, could I have a description of the
murderer please?'
251
00:13:25,987 --> 00:13:28,432
Oh, he had a 3�-inch willy, sir.
252
00:13:28,991 --> 00:13:31,107
He had a 3�-inch willy?
253
00:13:32,997 --> 00:13:34,023
Aye.
254
00:13:37,007 --> 00:13:39,009
You ever been in a dark room, Kenny?
255
00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:41,013
It's dark as shite, can't see fuck-all.
256
00:13:41,013 --> 00:13:42,864
This murderer, I know he had a 3�-inch willy
257
00:13:43,016 --> 00:13:43,016
and that's about all I know about him.
258
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:46,969
Well if it was that dark, Byron
259
00:13:47,022 --> 00:13:48,807
How did you even know that?
260
00:13:51,028 --> 00:13:53,045
It wasn't even as long as my fist.
261
00:13:57,038 --> 00:13:58,824
Finding your best mate broke,
262
00:13:59,043 --> 00:14:01,719
and back on the booze,
was probably bad enough already.
263
00:14:03,049 --> 00:14:05,051
But finding out that he's been blowing queers
264
00:14:05,051 --> 00:14:07,400
to subsidize his booze is presumably worse.
265
00:14:09,060 --> 00:14:11,062
However, finding out that the queen's been
electrocuted
266
00:14:11,062 --> 00:14:13,013
by a gay guy with a cattle prod
267
00:14:13,066 --> 00:14:15,068
and a 3�-inch willy
268
00:14:15,068 --> 00:14:16,070
was really queer news, ain't it?
269
00:14:16,070 --> 00:14:18,351
I guess, as such, Kenny could be forgiven
270
00:14:19,074 --> 00:14:21,655
for thinking that things could hardly get any worse.
271
00:14:23,082 --> 00:14:25,085
I was to prove him wrong of course!
272
00:14:25,085 --> 00:14:26,440
What the frig!
273
00:14:27,089 --> 00:14:28,674
What's the matter now?
274
00:14:29,091 --> 00:14:30,093
You tried to kiss me!
275
00:14:30,093 --> 00:14:31,086
No.
276
00:14:31,096 --> 00:14:32,383
You did so.
277
00:14:33,097 --> 00:14:35,181
You tried to make a pass at me.
278
00:14:37,104 --> 00:14:38,106
Byron
279
00:14:38,106 --> 00:14:39,109
Are you gay?
280
00:14:39,109 --> 00:14:40,100
No.
281
00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:42,112
Then why did you try to kiss me?
282
00:14:42,112 --> 00:14:44,031
I thought we were mates, Kenny!
283
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,119
We are mates,
284
00:14:45,119 --> 00:14:46,119
But that doesn't mean that you can kiss me.
285
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,122
I mean mates don't go around kissing each other
286
00:14:47,122 --> 00:14:48,840
whenever they feel like it.
287
00:14:51,128 --> 00:14:52,616
Give us a blow job.
288
00:14:55,137 --> 00:14:57,138
Kenny this is a Class 5 Offensive Weapon.
289
00:14:57,138 --> 00:14:58,858
Give us a blow job, or else...
290
00:14:59,143 --> 00:15:01,853
Byron, there's no way I'm going to give you a blow job.
291
00:15:02,146 --> 00:15:03,148
Do you understand?
292
00:15:03,148 --> 00:15:04,601
Oh, come on, Kenny.
293
00:15:05,150 --> 00:15:07,156
This isn't real gay sex.
294
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,158
It's not as if it's
295
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,108
Anal, or arsehole, or sphincter or shitter
or bumm banger or butt fucker
296
00:15:11,162 --> 00:15:13,212
or penetrative type sex.
297
00:15:17,172 --> 00:15:18,922
You for real? Are you?
298
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:24,626
Only messing, Kenny.
299
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,188
Byron, you've changed.
300
00:15:27,188 --> 00:15:29,436
You've really changed, you know that?
301
00:15:42,211 --> 00:15:43,964
I guess Kenny had a point.
302
00:15:45,218 --> 00:15:46,218
I guess I had changed.
303
00:15:46,218 --> 00:15:48,037
London must have changed me.
304
00:15:48,223 --> 00:15:50,667
I mean, I had never asked him for a blow job before.
305
00:15:51,226 --> 00:15:52,716
That much is true.
306
00:15:56,237 --> 00:15:58,319
But then again, he was one to talk.
307
00:15:59,242 --> 00:16:01,688
I mean, it wasn't long before he was to become
308
00:16:03,249 --> 00:16:04,966
a practicing poof either!
309
00:16:07,255 --> 00:16:09,502
Sure enough, what London had done to me,
310
00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:12,111
London would now do to Kenny.
311
00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:13,585
I need a pee.
312
00:16:15,268 --> 00:16:16,269
I need a drink.
313
00:16:16,269 --> 00:16:18,747
I need a pee so I can have a drink
after my pee
314
00:16:19,273 --> 00:16:20,794
because I need a drink.
315
00:16:21,277 --> 00:16:22,368
Byron?
316
00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:24,338
What?
317
00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:28,433
You got any of that money left on you?
318
00:16:34,299 --> 00:16:35,886
Here's my last fiver,
319
00:16:36,301 --> 00:16:37,756
the one and only.
320
00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:42,227
I think we should spend it now
321
00:16:43,314 --> 00:16:45,319
on breakfast beverages and
a liquid lunch.
322
00:16:45,319 --> 00:16:46,772
I agree totally.
323
00:16:47,321 --> 00:16:48,545
Now Kenny,
324
00:16:49,326 --> 00:16:51,327
bearing in mind your present physical condition
325
00:16:51,327 --> 00:16:53,807
which at best can only be described as fragile,
326
00:16:57,338 --> 00:17:00,080
which pub do you feel like you're capable
of walking to?
327
00:17:11,361 --> 00:17:12,979
Two Guinesses, please.
328
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,460
Kenny.
329
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,429
What?
330
00:17:20,375 --> 00:17:22,258
This here's a frigging gay pub!
331
00:17:22,377 --> 00:17:23,832
Not funny, Byron.
332
00:17:24,381 --> 00:17:27,092
It appears to me that this here
drinking establishment
333
00:17:27,387 --> 00:17:29,390
has an unusually high proportion of punters
334
00:17:29,390 --> 00:17:31,308
of a homosexual nature.
335
00:17:32,394 --> 00:17:34,709
Byron, you're not frigging funny, all right?
336
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,815
You see, the difference between me and you is
337
00:17:41,410 --> 00:17:43,414
you look around this pub and all you see is
338
00:17:43,414 --> 00:17:45,858
a lot of gay guys, and homosexuals,
339
00:17:46,418 --> 00:17:48,422
and queers, and buttfuckers, and
faggots and poofs, right?
340
00:17:48,422 --> 00:17:50,802
Whereas me, whenever I look around this pub
341
00:17:52,428 --> 00:17:54,808
I see a way of subsidizing my giro, big time.
342
00:17:57,437 --> 00:17:59,650
Byron, I'm not giving anyone a blow job.
343
00:18:00,441 --> 00:18:02,591
Kenny, don't look at it as a blow job.
344
00:18:04,448 --> 00:18:05,450
See it as work:
345
00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:07,234
Legitimate, lucrative work.
346
00:18:08,453 --> 00:18:10,459
I'm not giving anyone a blow job, all right?
347
00:18:10,459 --> 00:18:12,463
Face it, Kenny, would I ask you to give anyone
a blow job?
348
00:18:12,463 --> 00:18:13,983
I wouldn't do that.
349
00:18:14,465 --> 00:18:16,118
to anyone I wouldn't...
350
00:18:18,471 --> 00:18:19,694
Just Jeff.
351
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:21,477
Jeff?
352
00:18:21,477 --> 00:18:22,698
Aye, Jeff.
353
00:18:32,494 --> 00:18:34,181
Are you for real, are you?
354
00:18:34,499 --> 00:18:35,557
What?
355
00:18:36,501 --> 00:18:37,592
Kenny!
356
00:18:38,505 --> 00:18:40,507
Byron, there's just no frigging way, all right?
357
00:18:40,507 --> 00:18:43,251
Look do you want to be ever gainfully employed, or what?
358
00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:45,514
Byron, I'd rather be another pathetic paddy
359
00:18:45,514 --> 00:18:48,521
sleeping on the streets of London,
starving, freezing to death
360
00:18:48,521 --> 00:18:51,198
than gainfully employed in that sort of work, all right?
361
00:18:51,526 --> 00:18:53,642
- That sort of work is it now?
- Yeah.
362
00:19:23,578 --> 00:19:25,463
Welcome to my country cottage.
363
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,201
It's a little cramped,
364
00:19:27,585 --> 00:19:29,271
But I'm sure it will do.
365
00:19:38,603 --> 00:19:39,695
Kenny...
366
00:19:40,606 --> 00:19:42,127
Breakfast is ready....
367
00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:50,373
Slower, slower, slower.
368
00:19:51,627 --> 00:19:52,629
That's it, no,
Now that's too slow.
369
00:19:52,629 --> 00:19:54,630
Split the difference,
Split the difference.
370
00:19:54,630 --> 00:19:56,448
I know what you're thinking.
371
00:19:56,634 --> 00:19:58,636
You're probably thinking 'how could he?'
372
00:19:58,636 --> 00:20:00,641
But take it from me, and I should know,
373
00:20:00,641 --> 00:20:02,525
It was an easy choice to make.
374
00:20:02,644 --> 00:20:04,647
I mean, did Kenny really want to be
375
00:20:04,647 --> 00:20:05,649
just another homeless impoverished paddy
376
00:20:05,649 --> 00:20:07,652
sleeping on the streets of London?
377
00:20:07,652 --> 00:20:08,941
Did he frig!
378
00:20:11,659 --> 00:20:12,881
Thank you
379
00:20:13,662 --> 00:20:14,664
- You did very well.
- Thanks.
380
00:20:14,664 --> 00:20:16,384
For a beginner, excellent.
381
00:20:16,669 --> 00:20:17,668
Thanks Jeff
382
00:20:17,668 --> 00:20:19,619
And anyway, it's only a blow job.
383
00:20:19,672 --> 00:20:22,348
I mean, it's not like it was real gay sex or anything.
384
00:20:22,676 --> 00:20:25,156
It's like it was anal, arsehole, sphincter,
385
00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:27,995
shitter bum bang, penetrative type sex.
386
00:20:28,688 --> 00:20:30,690
No, all that Kenny was to do later.
387
00:20:30,690 --> 00:20:31,881
So Kenny,
388
00:20:32,694 --> 00:20:34,942
Who are you sleeping with at the moment?
389
00:20:35,697 --> 00:20:37,351
I'm staying at Byron's.
390
00:20:37,702 --> 00:20:38,704
What?
391
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:41,049
A big boy like you crammed
392
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:43,229
into that tight, rancid little hole?
393
00:20:44,713 --> 00:20:46,717
Well, you know, you can always stay with me.
394
00:20:46,717 --> 00:20:48,238
I've got plenty of room.
395
00:20:49,721 --> 00:20:51,937
Outlived the wife by at least a decade.
396
00:20:53,728 --> 00:20:55,381
Jeff, the horny bugger,
397
00:20:55,731 --> 00:20:58,342
had literally shagged his wife into an early grave.
398
00:20:58,736 --> 00:21:00,741
She died right there on the marital bed.
399
00:21:00,741 --> 00:21:03,648
That was at least a decade ago.
And Jeff, true to her memory,
400
00:21:04,747 --> 00:21:07,062
Jeff hadn't slept with another woman since.
401
00:21:09,755 --> 00:21:11,275
Entrez, Kenny dear.
402
00:21:13,761 --> 00:21:14,919
Wow, Jeff
403
00:21:15,766 --> 00:21:17,716
It's a, a big bed you have there.
404
00:21:17,769 --> 00:21:18,770
Oh, Kenny.
405
00:21:18,770 --> 00:21:20,754
Darling, you are showing your age.
406
00:21:20,774 --> 00:21:22,392
I've seen much bigger!
407
00:21:23,778 --> 00:21:24,780
But then again,
408
00:21:24,780 --> 00:21:26,729
I'm centuries older than you are.
409
00:21:27,784 --> 00:21:29,669
Oh, I've been a terrible slut,
410
00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:32,079
I have.
411
00:21:32,793 --> 00:21:34,808
You know, I've had, and been had,
412
00:21:35,797 --> 00:21:36,799
Sit down
413
00:21:36,799 --> 00:21:38,804
on beds much bigger than this one.
414
00:21:38,804 --> 00:21:40,853
But never, never, in my whole life,
415
00:21:42,810 --> 00:21:44,627
have I ever been had on a bed
416
00:21:44,812 --> 00:21:46,697
as big as Golders Green's bed.
417
00:21:47,818 --> 00:21:48,817
Who the frig is Golders Green?
418
00:21:48,817 --> 00:21:50,471
He is the queen's lover.
419
00:21:57,833 --> 00:21:58,835
Golders Green.
420
00:21:58,835 --> 00:22:00,589
No one knew his real name.
421
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,843
In fact, no one knew anything at all about him,
422
00:22:02,843 --> 00:22:05,587
other than the fact he lived somewhere in Golders Green.
423
00:22:06,851 --> 00:22:08,172
Jesus H. Christ!
424
00:22:14,864 --> 00:22:16,747
He was very discreet, you see.
425
00:22:16,866 --> 00:22:18,487
He was an orthodox jew.
426
00:22:34,894 --> 00:22:36,316
So, was he your uhm,
427
00:22:37,900 --> 00:22:39,453
boyfriend, then, sir?
428
00:22:40,905 --> 00:22:42,723
No, he was not my boyfriend!
429
00:22:42,909 --> 00:22:44,693
I'm an orthodox jew, please!
430
00:22:44,911 --> 00:22:45,913
He was my friend, just my friend.
431
00:22:45,913 --> 00:22:47,403
I see. Your friend.
432
00:22:48,919 --> 00:22:49,920
Well, would you happen to know
433
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,905
if he had any other friends, sir?
434
00:22:52,925 --> 00:22:54,314
No. No friends.
435
00:22:54,930 --> 00:22:55,932
What about enemies then?
436
00:22:55,932 --> 00:22:56,934
I mean was there anyone else?
437
00:22:56,934 --> 00:22:58,651
No there was nobody else.
438
00:22:58,936 --> 00:22:59,937
We never went out.
439
00:22:59,937 --> 00:23:00,939
We stayed in.
440
00:23:00,939 --> 00:23:02,942
We stayed in bed, all day and every day,
441
00:23:02,942 --> 00:23:04,628
just me and my... my friend.
442
00:23:07,950 --> 00:23:08,952
Blimey!
443
00:23:08,952 --> 00:23:10,573
That is a big bed, sir.
444
00:23:10,957 --> 00:23:12,938
So his bed was bigger than yours?
445
00:23:12,958 --> 00:23:14,446
Well, it had to be.
446
00:23:14,963 --> 00:23:17,607
You see, they say, that's where
he kept all his money.
447
00:23:19,972 --> 00:23:20,971
Why would he hide his money in his bed??
448
00:23:20,971 --> 00:23:22,976
Well it makes more sense than what it sounds,
449
00:23:22,976 --> 00:23:23,978
You see,
450
00:23:23,978 --> 00:23:26,025
They practically lived in the bed.
451
00:23:26,982 --> 00:23:28,985
I mean they did everything in the bed.
452
00:23:28,985 --> 00:23:31,397
They ate in the bed,
they shagged in the bed.
453
00:23:31,991 --> 00:23:33,777
they even slept in the bed.
454
00:23:36,998 --> 00:23:39,807
And they also say, that every time
the queen let GG have him,
455
00:23:43,009 --> 00:23:45,818
He would reach in the mattress and pull out
456
00:23:48,016 --> 00:23:49,669
-Thank you, your majesty
-a wad of cash
457
00:23:50,020 --> 00:23:51,739
Oh, thank you Goldilocks.
458
00:23:52,024 --> 00:23:53,024
It's what you might call
459
00:23:53,024 --> 00:23:54,909
Her majesty's discreet service.
460
00:23:58,033 --> 00:23:59,034
Well...
461
00:23:59,034 --> 00:24:00,037
Do you think that whoever murdered the queen
462
00:24:00,037 --> 00:24:01,039
took Golders Green's money?
463
00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:02,658
That is a possibility.
464
00:24:04,044 --> 00:24:05,046
After all, the queen used to find
465
00:24:05,046 --> 00:24:07,193
a different lover every Friday night.
466
00:24:11,054 --> 00:24:12,057
Friday nights,
467
00:24:12,057 --> 00:24:14,059
when Golders Green was off to synagogue,
468
00:24:14,059 --> 00:24:16,935
the queen would make a similar pilgrimage
to his own Mecca.
469
00:24:19,069 --> 00:24:20,953
Keep the bed warm, your majesty.
470
00:24:21,072 --> 00:24:22,956
Goldilocks is off to synagogue.
471
00:24:59,134 --> 00:25:01,138
The queen may not have been jewish,
472
00:25:01,138 --> 00:25:02,822
but he did, nonetheless,
473
00:25:03,140 --> 00:25:05,093
have a religious bent of his own.
474
00:25:05,146 --> 00:25:07,062
Indeed, he was positively zealous
475
00:25:08,149 --> 00:25:10,134
in his picking up of new converts
476
00:25:10,154 --> 00:25:11,607
to his own faith.
477
00:25:15,163 --> 00:25:16,152
My!
478
00:25:17,165 --> 00:25:18,620
You're a big boy!
479
00:25:19,169 --> 00:25:21,019
So, whoever the queen picked up
480
00:25:22,174 --> 00:25:24,025
on that fateful Friday night,
481
00:25:25,178 --> 00:25:27,180
must have murdered him and stolen the money.
482
00:25:27,180 --> 00:25:28,966
The murderer took the money?
483
00:25:29,183 --> 00:25:31,265
Yeah, that's right. Yes, very good.
484
00:25:32,188 --> 00:25:34,138
Sherlock Holmes, you are clever.
485
00:25:34,191 --> 00:25:36,771
But enough of all these terrible depressing
stories of murder
486
00:25:37,198 --> 00:25:39,113
and mayhem, and horror.
487
00:25:39,199 --> 00:25:40,919
That's not why we're here.
488
00:25:41,204 --> 00:25:43,814
We're here to have a nice time together, aren't we?
489
00:25:53,225 --> 00:25:54,877
Rough night last night?
490
00:25:58,233 --> 00:26:00,085
Yeah, you could call it that.
491
00:26:02,239 --> 00:26:03,792
What happened there?
492
00:26:04,242 --> 00:26:05,795
What happened where?
493
00:26:07,247 --> 00:26:08,338
There!
494
00:26:10,253 --> 00:26:11,474
Ah, Jeff.
495
00:26:14,260 --> 00:26:17,002
Jeff died, appropriately enough,
like his wife before him,
496
00:26:17,263 --> 00:26:19,248
a decade ago,
on the marital bed.
497
00:26:19,268 --> 00:26:21,879
In the end, Jeff, also like his poor wife before him,
498
00:26:22,273 --> 00:26:24,274
had literally shagged himself to death.
499
00:26:24,274 --> 00:26:26,953
Jeff had shagged himself into...
500
00:26:32,288 --> 00:26:34,171
You took him up the bum, Kenny?
501
00:26:35,293 --> 00:26:36,749
Why, haven't you?
502
00:26:40,301 --> 00:26:41,756
For frig's sake, Kenny,
503
00:26:42,306 --> 00:26:44,553
I've never taken a guy up the bum before.
504
00:26:45,310 --> 00:26:46,313
You haven't?
505
00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:47,302
No.
506
00:26:48,314 --> 00:26:49,968
I don't do penetration.
507
00:26:50,319 --> 00:26:51,970
Sure, I'm not even gay.
508
00:26:52,321 --> 00:26:53,323
You aren't?
509
00:26:53,323 --> 00:26:54,316
No!
510
00:26:55,327 --> 00:26:56,846
Kenny, are you gay?
511
00:27:00,336 --> 00:27:01,988
No, I'm not gay, Byron.
512
00:27:02,339 --> 00:27:04,554
It's the same as having sex with a women,
513
00:27:05,344 --> 00:27:06,831
except it's a man.
514
00:27:07,347 --> 00:27:08,349
Anyway, it's work.
515
00:27:08,349 --> 00:27:09,351
Legitimate, lucrative work.
516
00:27:09,351 --> 00:27:10,351
You said so yourself.
517
00:27:10,351 --> 00:27:11,607
What, Kenny?
518
00:27:13,357 --> 00:27:15,174
You shagged the guy to death!
519
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,211
I don't think
520
00:27:17,363 --> 00:27:18,364
you quite grab the severity of the situation here!
521
00:27:18,364 --> 00:27:19,983
The poor bugger's dead!
522
00:27:23,375 --> 00:27:25,389
And it's still not yet giro week!
523
00:27:28,383 --> 00:27:30,827
I mean, where are we gonna go for money now?
524
00:27:32,389 --> 00:27:34,040
Kenny knew I was right.
525
00:27:34,390 --> 00:27:37,103
I mean, did we really want to be just another two
526
00:27:37,397 --> 00:27:39,400
homeless, impoverished paddies
sleeping on the streets of London?
527
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:40,689
Did we, frig!
528
00:27:42,403 --> 00:27:44,222
No, we'd much rather sleep on
529
00:27:45,410 --> 00:27:46,963
Golders Green's bed.
530
00:27:49,416 --> 00:27:50,971
Golders Green's bed?
531
00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:54,424
Everyone knows there's money hidden
532
00:27:54,424 --> 00:27:55,427
inside Golders Green's bed.
533
00:27:55,427 --> 00:27:57,143
Kenny, that's just a myth.
534
00:27:57,428 --> 00:27:58,430
A rumor.
535
00:27:58,430 --> 00:28:00,777
Everyone knows there's no bread in the bed.
536
00:28:01,435 --> 00:28:02,437
No, not now there isn't.
537
00:28:02,437 --> 00:28:03,496
What?
538
00:28:04,441 --> 00:28:06,443
Well the murderer has stolen it all,
hasn't he?
539
00:28:06,443 --> 00:28:07,447
What murderer?
540
00:28:07,447 --> 00:28:09,034
The queen's murderer.
541
00:28:09,451 --> 00:28:10,451
Find the queen's murderer
542
00:28:10,451 --> 00:28:12,534
And you'll find Golders Green's money.
543
00:28:14,457 --> 00:28:16,210
And just how do you propose
544
00:28:16,462 --> 00:28:18,466
that we find this murderer, Kenny?
545
00:28:18,466 --> 00:28:19,466
I mean, we know nothing at all about him.
546
00:28:19,466 --> 00:28:20,689
Yes we do.
547
00:28:21,470 --> 00:28:23,519
He has a 3�-inch willy.
548
00:28:26,479 --> 00:28:28,262
Byron, where are you going?
549
00:28:28,481 --> 00:28:29,483
Margaret's.
550
00:28:29,483 --> 00:28:30,483
Margaret's?
551
00:28:30,483 --> 00:28:31,485
Who the frig is Margaret's?
552
00:28:31,485 --> 00:28:32,488
I thought we were gonna look for a gay guy
553
00:28:32,488 --> 00:28:34,489
with a 3�-inch willy.
554
00:28:34,489 --> 00:28:34,489
We are.
555
00:28:34,489 --> 00:28:36,494
It's the second pub closest to the flat.
556
00:28:36,494 --> 00:28:37,494
It's got a back room.
557
00:28:37,494 --> 00:28:38,496
A back room?
558
00:28:38,496 --> 00:28:40,501
Byron, I'm not going near any back room, all right?
559
00:28:40,501 --> 00:28:41,791
Look, Kenny.
560
00:28:42,502 --> 00:28:42,502
We're looking for a guy
561
00:28:42,502 --> 00:28:44,507
with a 3�-inch willy, right?
Yeah.
562
00:28:44,507 --> 00:28:46,509
Well, if you can imagine, it can be rather difficult
563
00:28:46,509 --> 00:28:49,155
to find a willy that tiny even in the best of times.
564
00:28:49,516 --> 00:28:50,517
But if, if
565
00:28:50,517 --> 00:28:52,520
such a wee willy actually does exist
566
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:53,523
then it's only in the back room
567
00:28:53,523 --> 00:28:55,527
that we're probably going to find it.
568
00:28:55,527 --> 00:28:56,528
Do you understand me?
569
00:28:56,528 --> 00:28:58,511
It seems perfectly logical to me.
570
00:29:02,538 --> 00:29:05,115
And anyway it's where Donkey Dick Dark hangs out.
571
00:29:06,544 --> 00:29:07,545
Donkey Dick Dark?
572
00:29:07,545 --> 00:29:09,561
Who the frig is Donkey Dick Dark?
573
00:29:18,565 --> 00:29:20,480
In a world where all that counts
574
00:29:20,567 --> 00:29:22,253
is the size of your willy,
575
00:29:22,571 --> 00:29:24,487
Donkey Dick Dark rules supreme.
576
00:29:24,574 --> 00:29:26,161
He was a willy expert.
577
00:29:26,578 --> 00:29:29,188
If there was a 3�-inch willy out there
578
00:29:29,582 --> 00:29:31,586
then Donkey Dick Dark would have heard about it.
579
00:29:31,586 --> 00:29:33,588
In other words, we had to find a big dick
580
00:29:33,588 --> 00:29:35,591
to find a small dick, to find the queen's murderer
581
00:29:35,591 --> 00:29:37,594
to find the money hidden in Golders Green's bed.
582
00:29:37,594 --> 00:29:39,315
It was quite complicated.
583
00:29:39,599 --> 00:29:41,602
In other, other words, we had to find
584
00:29:41,602 --> 00:29:43,684
Donkey Dick Dark!
585
00:29:50,618 --> 00:29:52,302
3� inches.
586
00:29:53,622 --> 00:29:55,604
That sounds like bollocks to me.
587
00:29:55,624 --> 00:29:58,270
The queen would never have taken anything that small.
588
00:29:58,630 --> 00:29:59,622
No?
589
00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:00,622
No.
590
00:30:01,635 --> 00:30:03,487
The queen liked her dicks big.
591
00:30:03,639 --> 00:30:05,159
The girl had class.
592
00:30:05,642 --> 00:30:07,195
That girl had taste.
593
00:30:08,647 --> 00:30:10,332
I mean, why do you think they called her
594
00:30:10,650 --> 00:30:12,601
the seven eleven?
595
00:30:12,654 --> 00:30:13,657
Seven eleven?
596
00:30:13,657 --> 00:30:15,638
What the frig's a seven eleven?
597
00:30:16,660 --> 00:30:21,709
That's a seven. And that's an eleven.
Anything in between was big enough
598
00:30:22,670 --> 00:30:24,884
and classy enough, for her royal highness.
599
00:30:26,678 --> 00:30:27,678
Anything bigger
600
00:30:27,678 --> 00:30:29,728
passes Golders Green's really hard
601
00:30:30,684 --> 00:30:32,040
Red Bull Test.
602
00:30:32,686 --> 00:30:32,686
Golders Green's really hard
603
00:30:32,686 --> 00:30:34,438
Red Bull Test?
604
00:30:34,690 --> 00:30:37,564
What the frig is Golders Green's
really hard Red Bull Test?
605
00:30:44,706 --> 00:30:47,383
Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test
606
00:30:48,713 --> 00:30:50,716
was the one singular reason Golders Green,
607
00:30:50,716 --> 00:30:53,592
on that rarest of occasions,
could be seen outside of Golders Green.
608
00:31:06,743 --> 00:31:09,551
Are you man enough to pass the really hard
Red Bull Test?
609
00:31:11,752 --> 00:31:13,339
Two cans of Red Bull.
610
00:31:13,754 --> 00:31:16,002
Really long, really strong, really hard.
611
00:31:19,765 --> 00:31:22,279
Now that mah-fucker is what's commonly known
612
00:31:22,769 --> 00:31:24,621
as Golders Green's really hard
613
00:31:28,780 --> 00:31:30,136
Red Bull Test.
614
00:31:32,786 --> 00:31:33,788
Flip me, Kenny.
615
00:31:33,788 --> 00:31:35,341
That is really hard!
616
00:31:35,791 --> 00:31:36,791
Sure, that ain't possible.
617
00:31:36,791 --> 00:31:38,378
If so, please contact
618
00:31:38,795 --> 00:31:40,647
Golders Green! Golders Green!
619
00:31:41,799 --> 00:31:43,552
Two cans of Red Bull long?
620
00:31:44,806 --> 00:31:46,808
But surely no one could be that big!
621
00:31:46,808 --> 00:31:48,812
Surely no one could ever be that lucky!
622
00:31:48,812 --> 00:31:49,837
Rick
623
00:31:50,815 --> 00:31:52,667
Two cans of Red Bull, please.
624
00:32:01,834 --> 00:32:02,836
True to its name,
625
00:32:02,836 --> 00:32:05,150
Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test
626
00:32:05,841 --> 00:32:07,528
was, indeed, really hard.
627
00:32:07,846 --> 00:32:09,893
But it wasn't, however, impossible.
628
00:32:10,848 --> 00:32:12,853
I mean, why else do you think the queen
629
00:32:12,853 --> 00:32:15,497
and Golders Green got together in the first place?
630
00:32:34,889 --> 00:32:35,881
Hi.
631
00:32:36,891 --> 00:32:38,545
They call me the queen.
632
00:32:40,897 --> 00:32:42,848
You can call me your majesty.
633
00:32:44,907 --> 00:32:46,360
Come in, come in
634
00:32:46,908 --> 00:32:48,892
quickly, before somebody sees you.
635
00:32:48,912 --> 00:32:50,828
I have to be a bit discreet,
636
00:32:50,914 --> 00:32:52,766
I'm an orthodox jew.
637
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:56,739
If the queen was, as you say,
638
00:32:56,925 --> 00:32:58,909
murdered for the bread, in the bed
639
00:32:59,930 --> 00:33:02,475
that you're not looking
640
00:33:03,936 --> 00:33:05,821
for no 3�-inch dick.
641
00:33:05,940 --> 00:33:07,494
No, take it from me.
642
00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:10,620
You don't wanna be doing none of that
small dick shit.
643
00:33:11,950 --> 00:33:14,131
You wanna be looking for the ... Iron Lady.
644
00:33:15,957 --> 00:33:17,016
Oh, no
645
00:33:18,961 --> 00:33:19,963
Not the Iron Lady!
646
00:33:19,963 --> 00:33:21,485
I think so, boys.
647
00:33:21,968 --> 00:33:24,379
You know what they say:
'Where's there's money...
648
00:33:25,973 --> 00:33:26,973
There's the Iron Lady'.
649
00:33:26,973 --> 00:33:28,979
I don't want to fuck with the Iron Lady!
650
00:33:28,979 --> 00:33:30,864
Who the frig is the Iron Lady?
651
00:33:40,997 --> 00:33:42,750
The Iron Lady was Margaret.
652
00:33:43,001 --> 00:33:44,952
And Margaret was the manageress...
653
00:33:50,012 --> 00:33:52,492
The size of both Kenny and myself put together,
654
00:33:53,019 --> 00:33:54,803
she was of an ample weight.
655
00:33:55,021 --> 00:33:57,025
All of which she tended to push around.
656
00:33:57,025 --> 00:33:58,027
That's disgusting!
657
00:33:58,027 --> 00:33:59,645
Absolutely disgusting!
658
00:34:00,029 --> 00:34:01,032
I'm not having any
659
00:34:01,032 --> 00:34:03,015
disgusting heterosexual behavior in my pub.
660
00:34:03,035 --> 00:34:04,223
Out! Out!
661
00:34:07,041 --> 00:34:08,461
Go on, stay out!
662
00:34:16,057 --> 00:34:18,060
Looking at a woman this fat and scary, I could...
663
00:34:18,060 --> 00:34:19,944
Who let them perverts in here!
664
00:34:21,065 --> 00:34:22,849
... begin to understand
665
00:34:23,068 --> 00:34:25,549
why it is that guys choose to shag guys.
666
00:34:27,074 --> 00:34:28,827
And that, is the Iron Lady.
667
00:34:31,081 --> 00:34:35,429
That woman, as you might say,
is 'your man.'
668
00:34:37,091 --> 00:34:38,942
You think she's the murderer?
669
00:34:39,094 --> 00:34:40,094
But surely she wouldn't have a penis,
670
00:34:40,094 --> 00:34:42,838
I mean, not even a tiny one, not like 3� inches.
671
00:34:43,100 --> 00:34:44,324
Would she?
672
00:34:45,102 --> 00:34:46,062
No
673
00:34:47,107 --> 00:34:48,992
She wouldn't have a penis, no.
674
00:34:49,111 --> 00:34:51,113
But the three west African brothers,
675
00:34:51,113 --> 00:34:53,593
now they, no doubt, would be packing their dicks.
676
00:34:58,126 --> 00:35:00,075
The Iron Lady had it all sorted.
677
00:35:01,131 --> 00:35:03,974
Not only was she taking money through
the front of the bar,
678
00:35:05,137 --> 00:35:08,112
but she was also taking money off the punters
through the back
679
00:35:08,142 --> 00:35:10,689
in exchange for other 'under the counter' services.
680
00:35:13,150 --> 00:35:15,464
The brothers, then, were the other services.
681
00:35:16,156 --> 00:35:18,138
Whereas the father was a punter.
682
00:35:19,161 --> 00:35:21,164
I've never had West African before.
683
00:35:21,164 --> 00:35:23,180
Well, there's always a first time.
684
00:35:24,169 --> 00:35:26,151
So go one, take your pick, father.
685
00:35:27,174 --> 00:35:29,091
Oh, I couldn't possibly choose.
686
00:35:29,177 --> 00:35:30,763
They're all so tasty.
687
00:35:32,182 --> 00:35:34,001
Well, which one do you like?
688
00:35:34,186 --> 00:35:35,804
I would like them all.
689
00:35:36,188 --> 00:35:37,190
You want them all?
690
00:35:37,190 --> 00:35:39,041
Cause that can be arranged.
691
00:35:40,194 --> 00:35:42,013
You know what I like to say,
692
00:35:42,198 --> 00:35:44,314
'Where there's money, there's love.'
693
00:35:46,204 --> 00:35:48,091
And that's exactly what he did.
694
00:35:49,210 --> 00:35:51,214
The father proceeded to have them all,
695
00:35:51,214 --> 00:35:52,536
One at a time.
696
00:35:53,217 --> 00:35:55,220
There were three west African brother altogether.
697
00:35:55,220 --> 00:35:57,568
The youngest being only 14 years old.
698
00:35:59,226 --> 00:36:00,549
He's how old?
699
00:36:03,233 --> 00:36:04,423
Fourteen.
700
00:36:06,238 --> 00:36:07,559
Only fourteen?
701
00:36:09,243 --> 00:36:09,243
Yes,
702
00:36:09,243 --> 00:36:10,566
only fourteen.
703
00:36:12,248 --> 00:36:14,066
You've had your love father,
704
00:36:14,251 --> 00:36:15,707
Now pay your money.
705
00:36:18,258 --> 00:36:20,044
But I don't have any money.
706
00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:24,073
Well then, you'll just have to pay me in kind, won't you?
707
00:36:25,271 --> 00:36:26,261
No.
708
00:36:26,271 --> 00:36:27,693
No, no, no aagh!
709
00:36:33,284 --> 00:36:35,833
In the end, love cost the father
710
00:36:36,089 --> 00:36:38,109
very dearly indeed!
711
00:36:38,110 --> 00:36:39,410
DEAD GAY GUY NUMBER 3
712
00:36:39,394 --> 00:36:42,070
Because, where there's money, there's the Iron Lady, and
713
00:36:42,298 --> 00:36:44,511
You don't want to fuck with the Iron Lady.
714
00:36:46,304 --> 00:36:48,421
Not when it comes to money, you don't.
715
00:36:49,309 --> 00:36:51,260
Believe me, money's important,
716
00:36:53,315 --> 00:36:55,134
But it's not that important!
717
00:36:57,324 --> 00:36:59,075
Byron, where are you going now?
718
00:36:59,326 --> 00:37:01,330
We're going back to the Elephant's Graveyard.
719
00:37:01,330 --> 00:37:03,312
What about Golders Green's money?
720
00:37:03,332 --> 00:37:04,335
Look, Kenny.
721
00:37:04,335 --> 00:37:05,336
There are some things
722
00:37:05,336 --> 00:37:07,218
that even I don't do for money,
723
00:37:07,337 --> 00:37:08,340
And I don't fuck with the Iron Lady.
724
00:37:08,340 --> 00:37:10,986
I wouldn't like to sleep with the Iron Lady either.
725
00:37:11,346 --> 00:37:12,601
Me neither.
726
00:37:13,349 --> 00:37:14,351
And besides
727
00:37:14,351 --> 00:37:15,352
There's easier ways of making money
728
00:37:15,352 --> 00:37:17,355
than trying to find a 3�-inch willy.
729
00:37:17,355 --> 00:37:19,373
You're better off looking for UFOs.
730
00:37:20,363 --> 00:37:21,783
Go and look for UFOs?
731
00:37:22,364 --> 00:37:23,366
Aye.
732
00:37:23,366 --> 00:37:24,855
Ugly, Fat, Oldies.
733
00:37:25,371 --> 00:37:27,816
Now that Jeff is dead I need a new benefactor.
734
00:37:28,376 --> 00:37:30,377
And there's none as ugly, none as fat,
735
00:37:30,377 --> 00:37:32,229
and none as old, as old Nick.
736
00:37:35,386 --> 00:37:36,643
Hello, Nick.
737
00:37:37,391 --> 00:37:38,647
Meet Kenny.
738
00:37:39,392 --> 00:37:41,145
He's just over from Ireland.
739
00:37:42,397 --> 00:37:44,115
Kenny, say hello to Nick.
740
00:37:45,401 --> 00:37:47,405
I don't need to know his name, Byron.
741
00:37:47,405 --> 00:37:49,619
I just need to know if he's monogamous.
742
00:37:51,412 --> 00:37:53,063
What's monogamous mean?
743
00:37:54,416 --> 00:37:56,235
Monogamous means, my dear boy,
744
00:37:56,420 --> 00:37:59,164
does your beautiful boyfriend sleep exclusively with you,
745
00:37:59,425 --> 00:38:01,938
or does he sleep around with other people as well,
746
00:38:03,431 --> 00:38:05,317
in a more modern relationship?
747
00:38:05,437 --> 00:38:07,254
We're not in a relationship.
748
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:09,443
We're just mates.
749
00:38:09,443 --> 00:38:10,997
Mmm. You're not attached?
750
00:38:14,452 --> 00:38:15,808
How wonderful.
751
00:38:17,456 --> 00:38:19,638
You wouldn't be open to the suggestion of a threesome,
752
00:38:21,462 --> 00:38:23,181
would you?
753
00:38:24,467 --> 00:38:26,284
No, why'd you say no, Byron?
754
00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:28,474
Kenny, do you really want to shag me?
755
00:38:28,474 --> 00:38:30,477
Because I sure as hell don't want to shag you!
756
00:38:30,477 --> 00:38:31,478
Kenny, we're mates.
757
00:38:31,478 --> 00:38:33,429
And mates don't shag each other!
758
00:38:33,483 --> 00:38:34,483
Yeah, but it's work Byron.
759
00:38:34,483 --> 00:38:35,485
It's money, you know?
760
00:38:35,485 --> 00:38:37,490
Kenny, shagging each other up the bum
761
00:38:37,490 --> 00:38:38,492
is penetration,
762
00:38:38,492 --> 00:38:39,491
and I don't take it, or give it, for that matter.
763
00:38:39,491 --> 00:38:41,496
I don't like it up the bum either!
764
00:38:41,496 --> 00:38:42,587
Nor me!
765
00:38:43,497 --> 00:38:46,077
- I don't like it that way either.
- No dear.
766
00:38:46,504 --> 00:38:48,353
Me? I'll go back to earning a proper
767
00:38:48,505 --> 00:38:50,656
decent, respectable living.
768
00:38:51,513 --> 00:38:53,793
Or in other other words, I went back to blow jobs.
769
00:38:55,518 --> 00:38:57,521
Donkey Dick Dark, I wonder
770
00:38:57,521 --> 00:38:59,525
if you happen to know of any sad buggers
771
00:38:59,525 --> 00:39:01,245
not only desperate enough,
772
00:39:01,529 --> 00:39:03,531
but also sexually repugnant to such a degree
773
00:39:03,531 --> 00:39:05,218
as to have little choice
774
00:39:05,535 --> 00:39:07,849
other than to pay me to give them a blow job.
775
00:39:08,540 --> 00:39:09,895
By any chance?
776
00:39:11,544 --> 00:39:13,098
Yeah I do, actually.
777
00:39:15,553 --> 00:39:17,369
I know of a desperate dwarf.
778
00:39:18,557 --> 00:39:19,559
A desperate dwarf?
779
00:39:19,559 --> 00:39:21,409
Yeah, you know, he's a dwarf.
780
00:39:23,566 --> 00:39:25,680
He's about 3� feet tall
781
00:39:26,570 --> 00:39:28,091
and he's desperate.
782
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:30,755
and naturally it goes without saying
783
00:39:31,579 --> 00:39:33,396
he ain't one of the brothers.
784
00:39:34,582 --> 00:39:36,732
He's about 3� feet tall?
785
00:39:37,589 --> 00:39:39,274
Yeah, 3�.
786
00:39:40,593 --> 00:39:42,677
3�? 3�?
787
00:39:43,598 --> 00:39:45,601
So what if I'm only 3�?
788
00:39:45,601 --> 00:39:47,222
So what if I am small?
789
00:39:48,605 --> 00:39:50,226
Size isn't everything!
790
00:39:50,610 --> 00:39:52,362
I mean, I may not be huge,
791
00:39:52,612 --> 00:39:53,902
but after all,
792
00:39:55,618 --> 00:39:58,295
it's only a matter of inches we're talking about.
793
00:39:59,625 --> 00:40:00,627
Inches?
794
00:40:00,627 --> 00:40:01,627
Yes, inches.
795
00:40:01,627 --> 00:40:03,313
But don't you mean feet?
796
00:40:03,631 --> 00:40:05,549
You know, 3� feet?
797
00:40:05,635 --> 00:40:07,750
No, inches. 3� inches.
798
00:40:09,641 --> 00:40:11,457
No, he meant inches all right!
799
00:40:11,643 --> 00:40:13,263
Coincidentally enough,
800
00:40:13,647 --> 00:40:15,650
Not only was he 3� feet tall, he was also
801
00:40:15,650 --> 00:40:18,097
only 3� inches long.
802
00:40:18,655 --> 00:40:20,658
I had found our 3� inch willy
803
00:40:20,658 --> 00:40:22,511
and we had found our murderer.
804
00:40:22,663 --> 00:40:25,175
No, 3� inches, that' the problem.
805
00:40:26,669 --> 00:40:28,674
No one will take anything under 4.
806
00:40:28,674 --> 00:40:31,152
They say it's too small. They say it's painful.
807
00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:33,200
But I'm telling you,
808
00:40:33,683 --> 00:40:35,632
whenever it comes to penetration
809
00:40:35,685 --> 00:40:37,689
there's always going to be a thin line
810
00:40:37,689 --> 00:40:39,440
between pain and pleasure.
811
00:40:39,692 --> 00:40:40,694
No, No.
812
00:40:40,694 --> 00:40:42,479
No, I only agreed to a blow job,
813
00:40:42,697 --> 00:40:44,700
and no one said anything about penetration.
814
00:40:44,700 --> 00:40:46,649
So what? What's the difference?
815
00:40:46,702 --> 00:40:48,387
Well I'm not gay, right?
816
00:40:48,886 --> 00:40:49,696
Yeah
817
00:40:49,706 --> 00:40:51,711
So what's gonna ... I might enjoy it.
818
00:40:51,711 --> 00:40:53,428
No, it's under 4 inches.
819
00:40:53,713 --> 00:40:55,718
You lad, I'm telling you, you won't enjoy it.
820
00:40:55,718 --> 00:40:56,717
Well if I'm not gonna enjoy it,
821
00:40:56,717 --> 00:40:57,719
then I'm definitely not up for it.
822
00:40:57,719 --> 00:40:58,943
Sorry.
823
00:40:59,724 --> 00:41:01,375
I think you'd better go.
824
00:41:01,726 --> 00:41:02,950
Awww, not again!
825
00:41:11,745 --> 00:41:13,100
What the frig?
826
00:41:13,748 --> 00:41:16,623
As it happened, being a short arse wasn't
a problem for him,
827
00:41:17,755 --> 00:41:18,757
he didn't mind that so much,
828
00:41:18,757 --> 00:41:20,375
but having a wee willy?
829
00:41:20,759 --> 00:41:21,761
Well that drove him round the bend.
830
00:41:21,761 --> 00:41:23,678
That drove him flipping mental.
831
00:41:23,764 --> 00:41:26,177
I mean, this was one seriously desperate dwarf
832
00:41:26,769 --> 00:41:27,770
we're talking about!
833
00:41:27,770 --> 00:41:29,290
Don't you touch me!
834
00:41:29,773 --> 00:41:31,857
This is a Class 5 Offensive Weapon!
835
00:41:32,780 --> 00:41:34,993
I know it's a Class 5 Offensive Weapon.
836
00:41:35,783 --> 00:41:37,768
It's MY Class 5 Offensive Weapon.
837
00:41:39,790 --> 00:41:41,378
I lost it that night.
838
00:41:51,808 --> 00:41:52,811
That night!
839
00:41:52,811 --> 00:41:54,816
That night you murdered the queen.
840
00:41:54,816 --> 00:41:55,908
Yeah.
841
00:41:57,821 --> 00:41:58,821
So where's the money?
842
00:41:58,821 --> 00:41:59,823
What money?
843
00:41:59,823 --> 00:42:00,826
the money you stole from Golders Green
844
00:42:00,826 --> 00:42:02,577
after you killed the queen.
845
00:42:02,828 --> 00:42:04,813
The money hidden inside the bed!
846
00:42:04,833 --> 00:42:06,549
The money inside the bed?
847
00:42:06,834 --> 00:42:07,836
What bed?
848
00:42:07,836 --> 00:42:08,839
What do you mean, what bed?
849
00:42:08,839 --> 00:42:09,841
The biggest bed in the entire world!
850
00:42:09,841 --> 00:42:11,393
Golders Green's bed!
851
00:42:11,843 --> 00:42:13,728
I didn't get as far as his bed.
852
00:42:19,856 --> 00:42:20,849
No.
853
00:42:21,860 --> 00:42:22,852
No?
854
00:42:22,862 --> 00:42:24,216
No, I'm sorry.
855
00:42:25,867 --> 00:42:28,215
But I never usually take anything under 7,
856
00:42:28,871 --> 00:42:30,458
let alone 4 inches.
857
00:42:31,877 --> 00:42:33,132
4 inches!
858
00:42:34,882 --> 00:42:35,883
Shit!
859
00:42:35,883 --> 00:42:38,526
Well anything shorter than 4 inches,
is pure hell.
860
00:42:38,887 --> 00:42:39,889
It doesn't go in properly.
861
00:42:39,889 --> 00:42:42,973
Instead it just lingers around the edge
862
00:42:43,896 --> 00:42:47,246
teasing, never penetrating.
863
00:42:48,904 --> 00:42:50,525
Pain without pleasure.
864
00:42:50,909 --> 00:42:52,196
It's no fun.
865
00:42:52,910 --> 00:42:53,913
No fun.
866
00:42:53,913 --> 00:42:54,915
I won't linger,
867
00:42:54,915 --> 00:42:57,498
I promise you, I won't linger!
868
00:42:58,922 --> 00:43:01,438
No, I'm afraid it's no good.
869
00:43:01,926 --> 00:43:04,109
I tried it once before and NEVER again.
870
00:43:04,932 --> 00:43:05,933
I'm not exaggerating when I tell you
871
00:43:05,933 --> 00:43:08,743
that I couldn't sit down for a whole fortnight afterwards.
872
00:43:09,939 --> 00:43:10,941
It was, and...
873
00:43:10,941 --> 00:43:12,792
you'll have to pardon the pun,
874
00:43:12,944 --> 00:43:14,628
a real 'pain in the arse.'
875
00:43:15,948 --> 00:43:17,866
No, when it comes to my bottom,
876
00:43:17,953 --> 00:43:19,955
I'm afraid 4 inches is the bottom.
877
00:43:19,955 --> 00:43:21,543
Anything less, no go.
878
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:22,961
In fact, I think you'd better go.
879
00:43:22,961 --> 00:43:23,960
Please no,
880
00:43:23,961 --> 00:43:25,947
Don't make me go. Don't make me beg, for Christ's sake.
881
00:43:26,969 --> 00:43:28,786
No, no, I'll beg, I'll beg...
882
00:43:28,971 --> 00:43:30,657
I'll do anything for you.
883
00:43:30,975 --> 00:43:32,977
You know, I thought it'd turn me on,
884
00:43:32,977 --> 00:43:34,631
to be taken by a midget
885
00:43:35,984 --> 00:43:37,373
sort of kinky
886
00:43:37,986 --> 00:43:38,988
you know.
887
00:43:38,988 --> 00:43:40,906
I'm not a midget, I'm a dwarf.
888
00:43:40,992 --> 00:43:42,181
Whatever!
889
00:43:43,997 --> 00:43:45,947
Small is small, and I like big.
890
00:43:48,003 --> 00:43:50,118
I'm a dwarf, what d'you expect?
891
00:43:51,008 --> 00:43:53,009
Well, I was rather expecting
892
00:43:53,009 --> 00:43:54,961
that long hard thing which I felt earlier.
893
00:43:55,014 --> 00:43:56,467
Long hard thing?
894
00:43:58,018 --> 00:43:59,639
What long hard thing?
895
00:44:02,024 --> 00:44:05,612
-My, you're a big boy...
-Are you trying to be funny?
896
00:44:08,036 --> 00:44:09,027
No!
897
00:44:10,037 --> 00:44:11,427
No, not at all.
898
00:44:16,049 --> 00:44:18,000
You ARE a big boy, and hard, too.
899
00:44:35,081 --> 00:44:37,162
Oh, you mean this long hard thing.
900
00:44:38,085 --> 00:44:39,087
Oh, my god. What's that?
901
00:44:39,087 --> 00:44:40,089
It's a cattle prod.
902
00:44:40,089 --> 00:44:41,709
Oh, is that what it is?
903
00:44:42,091 --> 00:44:44,096
What were you doing to do with it, darling?
904
00:44:44,096 --> 00:44:46,100
Electrocute me? Or shove it up my arse?
905
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:48,809
Well, I was hoping you'd shove it up MY ass, actually.
906
00:44:50,106 --> 00:44:51,106
I think you'd better go.
907
00:44:51,106 --> 00:44:52,108
don't you?
908
00:44:52,108 --> 00:44:54,356
This is also a Class 5 Offensive Weapon.
909
00:44:56,114 --> 00:44:58,794
You know, I swear, I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of,
910
00:45:00,122 --> 00:45:02,501
A cattle prod, or a 3�-inch knob.
911
00:45:03,126 --> 00:45:04,129
This isn't funny!
912
00:45:04,129 --> 00:45:06,045
This is a very dangerous weapon!
913
00:45:12,142 --> 00:45:14,488
That prod is just like you, my little darling,
914
00:45:17,150 --> 00:45:19,199
All charged up, and no one to blow.
915
00:45:26,165 --> 00:45:28,776
Oh, so you didn't actually get to see the bed then?
916
00:45:30,172 --> 00:45:31,164
No.
917
00:45:33,176 --> 00:45:35,987
So if there was money actually hidden inside the bed then,
918
00:45:37,183 --> 00:45:38,936
It's probably still there, do you think?
919
00:45:39,186 --> 00:45:40,188
There's money?
920
00:45:40,188 --> 00:45:42,190
Inside Golders Green's bed?
921
00:45:42,190 --> 00:45:43,977
Well, that's what they say.
922
00:45:44,196 --> 00:45:45,452
Hey, Byron!
923
00:45:50,206 --> 00:45:51,758
If I'm not mistaken,
924
00:45:52,208 --> 00:45:54,853
Didn't that dward have a 3�-inch willy?
925
00:45:57,216 --> 00:45:58,274
Taxi!
926
00:45:59,220 --> 00:46:00,343
I know!
927
00:46:01,223 --> 00:46:03,226
He's the guy we've been looking for, Kenny.
928
00:46:03,226 --> 00:46:04,228
He's the murderer.
929
00:46:04,228 --> 00:46:05,229
He's the murderer?
930
00:46:05,229 --> 00:46:07,180
Listen, guess who I've just seen!
931
00:46:07,233 --> 00:46:09,282
Byron, did you give a dwarf a blow job?
932
00:46:10,238 --> 00:46:11,239
Never mind that, Kenny,
933
00:46:11,239 --> 00:46:12,463
a dwarf!
934
00:46:13,244 --> 00:46:14,244
...a desperate dwarf,
935
00:46:14,244 --> 00:46:16,247
he didn't steal Golders Green's money.
936
00:46:16,247 --> 00:46:18,791
I know, that's what I've been trying to tell you.
937
00:46:19,251 --> 00:46:21,732
Who the frig is the guy in that, Donkey Dick?
938
00:46:23,258 --> 00:46:25,176
Well behold thee,
939
00:46:26,264 --> 00:46:28,213
A succulent slice of panani.
940
00:46:29,269 --> 00:46:31,274
If it isn't Golders Green himself.
941
00:46:31,274 --> 00:46:32,628
Golders Green?
942
00:46:33,277 --> 00:46:34,278
What's that dude doing in here?
943
00:46:34,278 --> 00:46:36,723
He hasn't been in the 'hood since he advertised...
944
00:46:39,287 --> 00:46:41,202
his really hard Red Bull Test.
945
00:46:43,293 --> 00:46:45,739
With the queen dead, Golders Green
946
00:46:46,298 --> 00:46:48,302
was looking for an heir to fill his vacant throne,
947
00:46:48,302 --> 00:46:49,304
and his vacant bed.
948
00:46:49,304 --> 00:46:51,306
We concluded therefore, that there must have been
949
00:46:51,306 --> 00:46:54,115
significant funds left in the royal treasury, as it were.
950
00:46:54,311 --> 00:46:55,731
Or in other words,
951
00:46:57,315 --> 00:46:59,200
his bed might have been vacant,
952
00:46:59,319 --> 00:47:01,136
but it probably wasn't empty.
953
00:47:02,324 --> 00:47:04,206
Kenny, I think it's about time
954
00:47:04,325 --> 00:47:06,330
we paid Golders Green a visit, don't you?
955
00:47:06,330 --> 00:47:07,752
I agree totally.
956
00:47:08,334 --> 00:47:10,482
But Byron, how are we gonna get there?
957
00:47:11,339 --> 00:47:13,341
No one knows exactly where in Golders Green
958
00:47:13,341 --> 00:47:14,343
Golders Green lives.
959
00:47:14,343 --> 00:47:16,348
But Kenny, the really hard Red Bull Test
960
00:47:16,348 --> 00:47:18,351
isn't the only way of getting there.
961
00:47:18,351 --> 00:47:19,353
It isn't?
962
00:47:19,353 --> 00:47:21,356
No, we can always take a mini-cab.
963
00:47:21,356 --> 00:47:22,578
A mini-cab?
964
00:47:25,363 --> 00:47:26,356
Aye
965
00:47:27,365 --> 00:47:29,368
Dick Cheese Deepak knows where everybody lives.
966
00:47:29,368 --> 00:47:30,890
Dick Cheese Deepak?
967
00:47:31,373 --> 00:47:33,455
Who the frig is Dick Cheese Deepak?
968
00:47:35,379 --> 00:47:37,381
Dick Cheese Deepak was a mini-cab driver.
969
00:47:37,381 --> 00:47:39,234
He wasn't the best driver,
970
00:47:39,386 --> 00:47:41,388
But he did know where Golders Green was.
971
00:47:41,388 --> 00:47:42,390
He wasn't the worst drive either,
972
00:47:42,390 --> 00:47:44,539
but he was more than a little partial
973
00:47:45,396 --> 00:47:47,147
to the professional blow job.
974
00:47:47,399 --> 00:47:48,788
Deepak! Deepak!
975
00:47:49,403 --> 00:47:51,087
Oh is that yours or mine?
976
00:47:51,405 --> 00:47:53,191
A job on the job, as it were.
977
00:47:55,411 --> 00:47:57,197
Deepak's taxi, come with me,
978
00:47:57,415 --> 00:47:59,200
Good morning, good evening
979
00:47:59,417 --> 00:48:00,839
Deepak speaking.
980
00:48:01,421 --> 00:48:02,425
Byron, what makes you think
981
00:48:02,425 --> 00:48:04,427
he's gonna tell us exactly
982
00:48:04,427 --> 00:48:05,428
where it is in Golders Green that Golders Green lives?
983
00:48:05,428 --> 00:48:07,432
I mean,
Golders Green is very discreet.
984
00:48:07,432 --> 00:48:08,432
That's easy.
985
00:48:08,432 --> 00:48:09,434
Everyone knows that Dick Cheese Deepak
986
00:48:09,434 --> 00:48:11,783
hasn't had a blow job in the last five years.
987
00:48:12,441 --> 00:48:13,440
He hasn't had a blow job in the last five years!?
988
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:15,359
No, he's got a foreskin problem.
989
00:48:15,445 --> 00:48:17,231
He's got a foreskin problem?
990
00:48:17,449 --> 00:48:19,452
What the frig's his foreskin problem?
991
00:48:19,452 --> 00:48:21,700
Goodness gracious, it doesn't pull back!
992
00:48:22,456 --> 00:48:23,448
No.
993
00:48:23,458 --> 00:48:25,641
No it hasn't done in the last five years.
994
00:48:26,464 --> 00:48:28,466
Do you think it's going to be a problem?
995
00:48:28,466 --> 00:48:31,244
I think maybe you'd better give me a blow job, don't you?
996
00:48:31,471 --> 00:48:32,661
Oh, OK.
997
00:48:33,475 --> 00:48:35,162
It's better than nothing!
998
00:48:36,479 --> 00:48:38,483
Consequently, as a result of all his dick cheese,
999
00:48:38,483 --> 00:48:40,929
Deepak hasn't been able to persuade any punter
1000
00:48:41,488 --> 00:48:43,901
to give him a blow job in the last five years.
1001
00:48:45,493 --> 00:48:46,684
Yo, taxi.
1002
00:48:47,499 --> 00:48:48,987
Until now, that is.
1003
00:49:01,521 --> 00:49:02,910
It's all yours.
1004
00:49:05,528 --> 00:49:07,346
Deepak's taxi, come with me,
1005
00:49:10,536 --> 00:49:11,539
Good morning, good evening,
1006
00:49:11,539 --> 00:49:12,959
Deepak speaking.
1007
00:49:13,541 --> 00:49:15,690
What can I be doing with you, please?
1008
00:49:16,547 --> 00:49:17,547
Golders Green please.
1009
00:49:17,547 --> 00:49:19,828
Where precisely in Golders Green, please.
1010
00:49:20,553 --> 00:49:21,555
No, no, no, no, no.
1011
00:49:21,555 --> 00:49:23,437
Deepak, Golders Green please.
1012
00:49:23,557 --> 00:49:25,111
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
1013
00:49:25,561 --> 00:49:27,114
- Oh, no.
- oh, yes.
1014
00:49:27,564 --> 00:49:28,655
Oh, no
1015
00:49:29,567 --> 00:49:31,979
Golders Green is choosing to be most private.
1016
00:49:32,572 --> 00:49:33,575
He is most discreet.
1017
00:49:33,575 --> 00:49:34,577
Look Deepak, cut the crap, right?
1018
00:49:34,577 --> 00:49:35,579
Bring us to Golders Green.
1019
00:49:35,579 --> 00:49:38,222
And he'll give you your first blow job in five years.
1020
00:49:41,588 --> 00:49:43,176
But I've just had one.
1021
00:49:43,592 --> 00:49:45,111
- You have?
- Yes.
1022
00:49:46,596 --> 00:49:48,184
Just half an hour ago.
1023
00:49:49,601 --> 00:49:51,552
You mean to say someone gave you,
1024
00:49:51,605 --> 00:49:53,457
Dick Cheese Deepak, a blow job?
1025
00:49:53,609 --> 00:49:54,609
Yes.
1026
00:49:54,609 --> 00:49:56,492
My first blow in five years!
1027
00:49:57,614 --> 00:49:59,596
It was terrific. It was a dwarf!
1028
00:50:00,618 --> 00:50:01,775
A dwarf!
1029
00:50:02,622 --> 00:50:03,645
Yes,
1030
00:50:04,625 --> 00:50:05,627
You know, a dwarf.
1031
00:50:05,627 --> 00:50:07,939
He's only about 3 and a half feet tall.
1032
00:50:12,638 --> 00:50:15,151
Oh, but it's not like I get a blow job every day!
1033
00:50:16,646 --> 00:50:18,066
All right, Deepak.
1034
00:50:19,651 --> 00:50:20,654
You take us to Golders Green
1035
00:50:20,654 --> 00:50:23,330
and we'll give you your second blow job in five years.
1036
00:50:24,660 --> 00:50:25,718
OK!
1037
00:50:29,669 --> 00:50:32,080
To administer the second blow job in five years
1038
00:50:32,673 --> 00:50:35,119
on a willy with an advanced foreskin problem
1039
00:50:35,676 --> 00:50:37,681
and an inordinate amount of dick cheese,
1040
00:50:37,681 --> 00:50:40,092
one first needs to find a suitable detergent,
1041
00:50:40,685 --> 00:50:42,570
disinfectant, and finally last
1042
00:50:42,689 --> 00:50:44,012
but not least,
1043
00:50:44,692 --> 00:50:45,783
Oh, Jesus!
1044
00:50:46,695 --> 00:50:48,878
a more than usually potent deodorizer.
1045
00:50:50,702 --> 00:50:52,852
And containing 40% of pure,
1046
00:50:53,709 --> 00:50:56,319
undiluted, 100% proof, mind-blowing,
1047
00:50:56,712 --> 00:50:58,595
brain cell decimating alcohol.
1048
00:50:59,716 --> 00:51:01,799
There was nothing quite as suitable
1049
00:51:02,722 --> 00:51:04,539
as good old Black Death.
1050
00:51:31,770 --> 00:51:33,654
And that, was Dead Gay Guy No. 4
1051
00:51:35,776 --> 00:51:38,323
Dick Cheese Deepak's second blow job in five years
1052
00:51:38,783 --> 00:51:41,062
proved unfortunately, also to be his last.
1053
00:51:41,787 --> 00:51:43,903
But at least it was a memorable one.
1054
00:51:44,791 --> 00:51:47,534
He had managed to come at the precise moment of impact,
1055
00:51:47,796 --> 00:51:49,547
ejaculating himself
1056
00:51:49,799 --> 00:51:51,804
through the windscreen, quite a respectable distance.
1057
00:51:51,804 --> 00:51:53,952
But, as is so often the case
1058
00:51:54,809 --> 00:51:57,189
with the first blow job in years,
Dick Cheese Deepak
1059
00:51:57,814 --> 00:51:59,465
had ejaculated prematurely.
1060
00:52:00,818 --> 00:52:02,820
We hadn't yet reached Golders Green.
1061
00:52:02,820 --> 00:52:04,275
Oh, where are we?
1062
00:52:04,824 --> 00:52:06,147
Dunno.
1063
00:52:08,831 --> 00:52:10,550
I know one thing for sure--
1064
00:52:11,835 --> 00:52:13,621
We're not in Golders Green.
1065
00:52:29,866 --> 00:52:30,923
Kenny,
1066
00:52:33,872 --> 00:52:35,875
What is it with you and dead gay guys?
1067
00:52:35,875 --> 00:52:38,092
Byron, it was only a blow job, big deal.
1068
00:52:39,883 --> 00:52:41,502
Kenny, the guy's dead.
1069
00:52:43,891 --> 00:52:45,893
Yet again, I don't think you quite grasp
1070
00:52:45,893 --> 00:52:47,911
the severity of the situation here.
1071
00:52:49,899 --> 00:52:51,904
There's only two ways to Golders Green,
1072
00:52:51,904 --> 00:52:52,906
and one of 'em's lying face down
1073
00:52:52,906 --> 00:52:55,021
in the bottom of his car, not alive.
1074
00:52:55,911 --> 00:52:57,630
Do you understand? Do you?
1075
00:53:01,919 --> 00:53:03,373
What's the other?
1076
00:53:03,921 --> 00:53:05,145
The other?
1077
00:53:06,925 --> 00:53:09,803
The other? The other's only Golders Green's really
hard Red Bull Test.
1078
00:53:15,943 --> 00:53:17,264
Oh!
1079
00:53:17,265 --> 00:53:18,665
Exactly, Oh!
1080
00:53:27,963 --> 00:53:29,219
Jeff's dead.
1081
00:53:30,967 --> 00:53:32,853
Dick Cheese Deepak's dead.
1082
00:53:33,974 --> 00:53:34,973
It's still not yet giro week.
1083
00:53:34,973 --> 00:53:37,122
I could really use a drink right now.
1084
00:53:37,979 --> 00:53:38,981
But thanks to you
1085
00:53:38,981 --> 00:53:41,195
there's no gay guys left to make any money from!
1086
00:53:44,990 --> 00:53:45,992
Byron!
1087
00:53:45,992 --> 00:53:46,994
What?
1088
00:53:46,994 --> 00:53:48,348
Yes, there is.
1089
00:53:52,003 --> 00:53:53,456
Come, Come, Come.
1090
00:53:55,007 --> 00:53:57,389
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
1091
00:53:58,011 --> 00:53:59,013
The time had come, then...
1092
00:53:59,013 --> 00:54:00,766
I'm delighted to have you
1093
00:54:01,018 --> 00:54:02,536
... to shag each other.
1094
00:54:06,025 --> 00:54:07,875
I must say, I always welcome
1095
00:54:08,028 --> 00:54:09,815
a spot of serendipity.
1096
00:54:11,035 --> 00:54:12,884
What the frig's serendipity?
1097
00:54:14,038 --> 00:54:15,921
Serendipity means, my dear boy,
1098
00:54:16,041 --> 00:54:18,356
that there's a direct consequence of the unhappy
1099
00:54:20,049 --> 00:54:22,362
and unfortunate demise of our friend
1100
00:54:23,053 --> 00:54:25,333
Dick Cheese Deepak, I am in the fortunate
1101
00:54:27,060 --> 00:54:29,637
and happy position of being able to shag you both.
1102
00:54:31,066 --> 00:54:32,687
Or, to paraphrase Jeff,
1103
00:54:34,073 --> 00:54:36,451
It's a cruel irony, that while some poor bugger
1104
00:54:38,079 --> 00:54:39,929
is six feet under, decomposing,
1105
00:54:39,881 --> 00:54:43,086
you're left very much alive and able to indulge
1106
00:54:43,186 --> 00:54:45,070
in a good old-fashioned threesome.
1107
00:54:50,099 --> 00:54:51,099
Now you two boys
1108
00:54:51,099 --> 00:54:53,445
look like you could really use a stiff one.
1109
00:54:57,312 --> 00:54:59,793
Kenny and me, we were best mates.
1110
00:55:01,118 --> 00:55:02,768
But as close as we were,
1111
00:55:03,119 --> 00:55:05,124
the thought of taking each other up the bum
1112
00:55:05,124 --> 00:55:07,899
was just a little bit more intimate
than we would have liked.
1113
00:55:09,130 --> 00:55:10,882
Look Byron, it's only work.
1114
00:55:11,132 --> 00:55:12,134
Aye.
1115
00:55:12,134 --> 00:55:13,920
Legitimate, lucrative work.
1116
00:55:18,145 --> 00:55:19,865
I mean, I'm not even gay.
1117
00:55:20,147 --> 00:55:21,140
No.
1118
00:55:24,155 --> 00:55:25,145
No.
1119
00:55:26,158 --> 00:55:27,159
Thus,
1120
00:55:27,159 --> 00:55:28,978
now that that's been settled,
1121
00:55:31,165 --> 00:55:32,918
Let's get down to business.
1122
00:55:33,169 --> 00:55:34,170
Yeah.
1123
00:55:34,170 --> 00:55:35,172
Let's get down to business.
1124
00:55:35,172 --> 00:55:36,363
Cheers!
1125
00:55:55,207 --> 00:55:56,629
Flip sake, Kenny.
1126
00:55:57,209 --> 00:55:58,268
What?
1127
00:55:59,214 --> 00:56:00,701
Look at your willy!
1128
00:56:01,217 --> 00:56:02,218
What's wrong with it?
1129
00:56:02,218 --> 00:56:03,607
It's ginormous!
1130
00:56:04,220 --> 00:56:05,543
You think?
1131
00:56:06,223 --> 00:56:07,347
Aye, I think!
1132
00:56:08,226 --> 00:56:10,231
I think it's about the biggest willy
1133
00:56:10,231 --> 00:56:12,213
that I've ever seen in my entire life!
1134
00:56:12,233 --> 00:56:13,235
I always thought it was average.
1135
00:56:13,235 --> 00:56:14,238
Average?
1136
00:56:14,238 --> 00:56:17,850
Frig's sake, Kenny, that thing isn't average!
1137
00:56:19,246 --> 00:56:20,666
This is average.
1138
00:56:22,251 --> 00:56:23,252
Flip me, Byron,
1139
00:56:23,252 --> 00:56:24,738
Look at your willy!
1140
00:56:25,254 --> 00:56:27,260
Nothing wrong with my willy!
1141
00:56:27,260 --> 00:56:30,135
Six and a third inches, Kenny, that's average!
1142
00:56:31,266 --> 00:56:33,052
Excuse me, you're the one here
1143
00:56:33,270 --> 00:56:35,153
with the flipping weird willy.
1144
00:56:35,273 --> 00:56:37,555
I mean, what do the women used to think?
1145
00:56:39,279 --> 00:56:40,337
Byron
1146
00:56:42,284 --> 00:56:44,068
There's never been any woman.
1147
00:56:46,290 --> 00:56:47,413
In fact,
1148
00:56:48,293 --> 00:56:49,881
To tell you the truth,
1149
00:56:50,297 --> 00:56:51,949
I think I might be gay.
1150
00:56:56,308 --> 00:56:58,158
Oh my god, I'm terribly sorry
1151
00:57:00,315 --> 00:57:01,314
but you can't really expect me
1152
00:57:01,314 --> 00:57:03,133
to accommodate that -- thing!
1153
00:57:04,321 --> 00:57:06,137
That's way beyond my league.
1154
00:57:06,322 --> 00:57:08,327
In fact I wouldn't be surprised if that couldn't pass
1155
00:57:08,327 --> 00:57:10,639
Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test.
1156
00:57:11,331 --> 00:57:12,389
Damn!
1157
00:57:20,346 --> 00:57:22,661
Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test!
1158
00:57:25,354 --> 00:57:26,356
As a direct consequence
1159
00:57:26,356 --> 00:57:28,361
of the unhappy and unfortunate demise
1160
00:57:28,361 --> 00:57:30,363
of our mutual friend, Dick Cheese Deepak,
1161
00:57:30,363 --> 00:57:32,711
we were in the fortunate and happy position
1162
00:57:33,367 --> 00:57:34,369
of being able to pass
1163
00:57:34,369 --> 00:57:36,618
Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test.
1164
00:57:40,380 --> 00:57:43,156
I must say, I always welcome a nice spot of serendipity.
1165
00:57:46,391 --> 00:57:49,001
Kenny's willy had won us an audience
1166
00:57:49,395 --> 00:57:53,005
with the very private, and very discreet, Golders Green,
1167
00:57:54,403 --> 00:57:57,013
about whom very little was known, other than the fact
1168
00:57:57,407 --> 00:57:59,525
he lived somewhere in Golders Green.
1169
00:58:21,448 --> 00:58:24,191
I have to be very discreet, you see I'm an orthodox jew.
1170
00:58:25,454 --> 00:58:26,909
Please, sit down.
1171
00:58:34,468 --> 00:58:35,956
No, not the chair.
1172
00:58:36,473 --> 00:58:38,422
The bed.
Please sit on the bed.
1173
00:58:39,477 --> 00:58:41,031
The chair's private.
1174
00:58:41,481 --> 00:58:42,835
It's personal.
1175
00:58:44,487 --> 00:58:46,504
The chair is only for me to sit on,
1176
00:58:47,491 --> 00:58:48,493
whereas the bed,
1177
00:58:48,493 --> 00:58:50,497
so many people have been in and out of that bed
1178
00:58:50,497 --> 00:58:52,500
it might just as well be public property.
1179
00:58:52,500 --> 00:58:54,352
I'm funny like that, you see.
1180
00:58:54,504 --> 00:58:56,506
I'll let any number of willies up my bum,
1181
00:58:56,506 --> 00:58:58,510
But I won't let anybody sit on my chair.
1182
00:58:58,510 --> 00:59:01,154
In other words, my bum might be everybody's property,
1183
00:59:01,515 --> 00:59:05,301
but my seat is my property! HA!
1184
00:59:13,534 --> 00:59:15,682
It's quite a big bed you've got here.
1185
00:59:16,538 --> 00:59:17,994
Yes, I like big.
1186
00:59:19,542 --> 00:59:20,832
Big is good.
1187
00:59:21,547 --> 00:59:23,465
But it takes two to fill a bed.
1188
00:59:23,549 --> 00:59:25,203
And with the queen gone
1189
00:59:25,554 --> 00:59:27,537
this bed is too big, even for me.
1190
00:59:31,565 --> 00:59:32,952
Speaking of big
1191
00:59:34,569 --> 00:59:36,123
You've passed the really ..
1192
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:38,655
hard Red Bull Test, yes?
1193
00:59:43,584 --> 00:59:44,641
Good.
1194
00:59:46,588 --> 00:59:47,845
I like big.
1195
00:59:48,592 --> 00:59:49,594
Small I don't like.
1196
00:59:49,594 --> 00:59:51,596
Dwarves and midgets I don't like.
Dwarves I don't do.
1197
00:59:51,596 --> 00:59:52,598
Dwarves?
1198
00:59:52,598 --> 00:59:55,310
Yes, a dwarf. Earlier to night you should have seen him.
1199
00:59:55,605 --> 00:59:56,605
You wouldn't believe it.
1200
00:59:56,605 --> 00:59:58,357
He was only about 3� feet tall.
1201
01:00:12,631 --> 01:00:14,634
I'm sorry, I don't sleep with midgets.
1202
01:00:14,634 --> 01:00:16,520
I'm not a midget, I'm a dwarf!
1203
01:00:17,641 --> 01:00:19,744
I don't care what you are! Small is small. I like big.
1204
01:00:20,844 --> 01:00:25,095
Nah. I like big. Big boys.
1205
01:00:25,653 --> 01:00:28,038
And boy, was the queen a big boy.
1206
01:00:28,657 --> 01:00:30,278
He had a...
1207
01:00:30,279 --> 01:00:31,279
big...
1208
01:00:31,280 --> 01:00:32,680
you know.
1209
01:00:33,266 --> 01:00:37,114
and I had a, I have a big ... you know
1210
01:00:38,675 --> 01:00:40,428
it just fit it very nicely.
1211
01:00:42,682 --> 01:00:44,864
Now that he's gone he's left a huge
1212
01:00:45,687 --> 01:00:46,688
Hole in my life.
1213
01:00:46,688 --> 01:00:47,746
Huge!
1214
01:00:49,694 --> 01:00:50,697
And I've been looking for someone
1215
01:00:50,697 --> 01:00:53,009
to fill my huge hole ever since.
1216
01:00:58,708 --> 01:00:59,700
So...
1217
01:01:00,710 --> 01:01:01,712
It was big then?
1218
01:01:01,712 --> 01:01:04,326
It was the biggest I've ever seen in my entire life.
1219
01:01:04,718 --> 01:01:06,073
Swear to god.
1220
01:01:06,722 --> 01:01:07,724
And Kenny,
1221
01:01:07,724 --> 01:01:08,726
would it be fair to say therefore
1222
01:01:08,726 --> 01:01:10,674
that its capacity to accommodate
1223
01:01:10,728 --> 01:01:13,043
was directly proportional to its bigness?
1224
01:01:13,731 --> 01:01:14,734
In other words, very, very big?
1225
01:01:14,734 --> 01:01:16,354
It would be fair to say
1226
01:01:16,738 --> 01:01:17,740
that there's room up there
1227
01:01:17,740 --> 01:01:20,020
to stick whatever the hell you want, yes.
1228
01:01:21,746 --> 01:01:23,960
I mean, to be honest, it's not every bum
1229
01:01:23,651 --> 01:01:26,755
that can take a ginormous willy like mine.
1230
01:01:26,755 --> 01:01:28,407
Know what I mean?
1231
01:01:30,761 --> 01:01:33,207
Kenny, I was talking about the size of his bed
1232
01:01:33,467 --> 01:01:36,716
not his arsehole. You arsehole.
1233
01:01:36,769 --> 01:01:38,059
Oh. His bed.
1234
01:01:38,973 --> 01:01:40,826
Well that was pretty big too.
1235
01:01:46,084 --> 01:01:47,735
Byron, what are you doing?
1236
01:01:47,789 --> 01:01:50,403
Look, if that bed is really as big as you say it is,
1237
01:01:50,794 --> 01:01:52,798
then that's a shitload of money.
1238
01:01:52,798 --> 01:01:56,177
Kenny, I think it's high time we did work
1239
01:01:56,205 --> 01:01:58,809
of a highly lucrative and wholly illegitimate nature.
1240
01:02:00,109 --> 01:02:01,129
No Byron, listen
1241
01:02:01,313 --> 01:02:03,930
Don't you stop me! All right? All right?
1242
01:02:04,618 --> 01:02:05,575
All right.
1243
01:02:06,176 --> 01:02:07,176
All right.
1244
01:02:06,822 --> 01:02:07,777
All right.
1245
01:02:08,378 --> 01:02:09,378
All right.
1246
01:02:22,845 --> 01:02:25,727
And anyway, why do you think
1247
01:02:25,954 --> 01:02:28,857
I sent you down to Golders Green in the first place?
1248
01:02:28,857 --> 01:02:32,503
Kenny, we don't have sex with guys for pleasure.
1249
01:02:33,865 --> 01:02:35,652
We only do it for the money.
1250
01:02:35,870 --> 01:02:38,183
Now will you try and remember that, please?
1251
01:02:48,891 --> 01:02:51,039
And so back we went to Golders Green.
1252
01:02:51,595 --> 01:02:53,899
But as is so often the case when one goes again so soon
1253
01:02:53,899 --> 01:02:56,681
after already having had sex,
1254
01:02:57,506 --> 01:03:00,186
we were, the second time, late in coming.
1255
01:03:04,917 --> 01:03:06,868
Someone had got there before us.
1256
01:03:07,923 --> 01:03:09,276
The Iron Lady!
1257
01:03:10,927 --> 01:03:12,877
What the frig is she doing here?
1258
01:03:15,233 --> 01:03:17,616
Surely you don't think,
1259
01:03:17,937 --> 01:03:19,822
Golders Green would fuck with the Iron Lady?
1260
01:03:19,941 --> 01:03:20,935
No.
1261
01:03:21,947 --> 01:03:24,721
No one could possibly want to have sex with the Iron Lady.
1262
01:03:25,952 --> 01:03:27,901
At least not for pleasure, anyway.
1263
01:03:27,954 --> 01:03:29,542
Two cans of Red Bull.
1264
01:03:29,959 --> 01:03:32,337
Really long, really strong, and really hard.
1265
01:03:33,965 --> 01:03:35,969
If so, please contact Golders Green
1266
01:03:35,969 --> 01:03:37,654
for lots of fun and money.
1267
01:03:38,974 --> 01:03:40,989
Money! Did someone mention money?
1268
01:03:47,988 --> 01:03:50,533
Rick, pass over two cans of Red Bull, will ya?
1269
01:03:52,997 --> 01:03:54,221
The money,
1270
01:03:55,301 --> 01:03:57,003
the bread in Golders Green's bed,
1271
01:03:57,003 --> 01:03:58,856
that's what they're here for.
1272
01:03:59,208 --> 01:04:01,412
The Iron Lady and the two West African brothers.
1273
01:04:01,912 --> 01:04:04,522
The Iron Lady and the TWO West African brothers?
1274
01:04:05,015 --> 01:04:07,021
Well where the frig's the third one?
1275
01:04:07,021 --> 01:04:09,533
Rick, pass us over two cans of Red Bull, will ya?
1276
01:04:13,029 --> 01:04:14,031
Ah ooh, you all pass
1277
01:04:14,031 --> 01:04:16,346
Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test.
1278
01:04:17,037 --> 01:04:19,039
Well we are all brothers, you know.
1279
01:04:19,039 --> 01:04:20,041
But I don't think I know
1280
01:04:20,041 --> 01:04:21,794
which one of you to choose.
1281
01:04:22,044 --> 01:04:23,046
Well, Margaret
1282
01:04:23,046 --> 01:04:24,865
Which one of us to you like?
1283
01:04:25,050 --> 01:04:26,052
Well, dunno really,
1284
01:04:26,052 --> 01:04:28,332
to be honest. You all look the same to me.
1285
01:04:28,856 --> 01:04:33,674
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Catch a ...
1286
01:05:21,942 --> 01:05:23,300
Fuck me!
1287
01:05:27,853 --> 01:05:29,310
Fuck me!
1288
01:05:30,858 --> 01:05:32,315
Fuck me!
1289
01:05:46,184 --> 01:05:48,466
There's the money in the bed, in the bag!
1290
01:06:16,234 --> 01:06:17,621
Flip me, Kenny.
1291
01:06:24,248 --> 01:06:26,065
Look at the size of that bed!
1292
01:06:27,252 --> 01:06:29,069
Forget about the bed, Byron.
1293
01:06:30,257 --> 01:06:32,273
Golders Green, I think he's dead.
1294
01:06:33,262 --> 01:06:35,048
Forget about Golders Green.
1295
01:06:35,263 --> 01:06:37,843
Have you ever seen a bigger bed in your entire life?
1296
01:06:38,270 --> 01:06:39,692
Don't touch him!
1297
01:06:42,277 --> 01:06:44,161
If he's dead, then it's murder.
1298
01:06:44,281 --> 01:06:45,281
And if it's murder and you've touched him
1299
01:06:45,281 --> 01:06:47,067
then we're both implicated.
1300
01:06:49,288 --> 01:06:50,709
And anyways, hey
1301
01:06:52,210 --> 01:06:53,410
Do you love him or what?
1302
01:06:54,196 --> 01:06:55,198
What?
1303
01:06:53,898 --> 01:06:56,721
Do you love him?
1304
01:06:56,722 --> 01:06:57,622
No of course I don't love him
1305
01:06:57,702 --> 01:06:58,302
Exactly
1306
01:06:58,302 --> 01:07:00,485
You don't love him and you're not gay.
1307
01:07:05,315 --> 01:07:07,759
Kenny, I will never forget the size of that bed.
1309
01:07:09,321 --> 01:07:10,324
Never!
1310
01:07:10,324 --> 01:07:11,879
Nor will I ever forget
1311
01:07:12,327 --> 01:07:14,330
the ginormous amount of money that must have been hidden
1312
01:07:14,330 --> 01:07:16,348
in a bed of that magnitude, either.
1313
01:07:17,334 --> 01:07:18,336
Money, I might add,
1314
01:07:18,336 --> 01:07:20,387
that we were going to steal first.
1315
01:07:22,342 --> 01:07:25,120
If only the Iron Lady and the three West African brothers
1316
01:07:25,349 --> 01:07:26,349
hadn't gotten there before us.
1317
01:07:26,349 --> 01:07:27,804
Forget it, Byron.
1318
01:07:29,355 --> 01:07:31,701
The money it's gone, we'll never get it now.
1319
01:07:32,359 --> 01:07:33,749
Oh, yes we will.
1320
01:07:36,366 --> 01:07:37,788
How d'you mean?
1321
01:07:41,375 --> 01:07:43,378
Well where do you think the Iron Lady
1322
01:07:43,378 --> 01:07:45,380
and the three West African brothers
1323
01:07:45,380 --> 01:07:47,232
went after they got the money?
1324
01:07:47,384 --> 01:07:48,641
Margaret's.
1325
01:07:49,387 --> 01:07:51,391
It's only the second closest pub to the flat.
1326
01:07:51,391 --> 01:07:52,392
Oh no, Byron.
1327
01:07:52,392 --> 01:07:54,395
We don't want to fuck with the Iron Lady, OK?
1328
01:07:54,395 --> 01:07:55,397
Oh, yes.
1329
01:07:55,397 --> 01:07:58,113
Yes we do wanna fuck with the Iron Lady.
1330
01:08:16,432 --> 01:08:17,435
Hello.
1331
01:08:17,435 --> 01:08:19,053
My name's Bill Clinton
1332
01:08:19,437 --> 01:08:21,440
And this is my colleague Ronald Reagan.
1333
01:08:21,440 --> 01:08:23,919
Owing to recent national expenditures the U.S. economy
is not as strong as it could be,
1334
01:08:25,445 --> 01:08:26,448
or indeed should be.
1335
01:08:26,448 --> 01:08:28,452
It is our responsibility therefore to bring about
1336
01:08:28,452 --> 01:08:30,798
a level of stability on the economic front.
1337
01:08:31,456 --> 01:08:33,460
Or in other words, to refill the coffers.
1338
01:08:33,460 --> 01:08:35,079
Or in other, other words
1339
01:08:35,463 --> 01:08:37,447
and to use plain fucking English
1340
01:08:37,467 --> 01:08:39,284
hand over your frigging money.
1341
01:08:40,471 --> 01:08:41,473
Is that you, Byron?
1342
01:08:41,473 --> 01:08:43,294
It is, it's the Black Death.
1343
01:08:44,479 --> 01:08:45,480
The Black Death.
1344
01:08:45,480 --> 01:08:47,432
'Can I get a Black Death, please?'
1345
01:08:48,485 --> 01:08:49,487
Byron, they know you, they frigging know you.
1346
01:08:49,487 --> 01:08:51,141
Well for course they know me,
1347
01:08:51,492 --> 01:08:53,473
I'm here nearly every night.
1348
01:08:57,501 --> 01:08:59,980
Look, just hand over your frigging money, all right?
1349
01:09:01,507 --> 01:09:02,508
What money?
1350
01:09:02,508 --> 01:09:03,510
What you do you mean, 'what money'?
Golders Green's money!
1351
01:09:03,510 --> 01:09:05,097
The bread in the bed.
1352
01:09:05,514 --> 01:09:07,100
The bread in the bed?
1354
01:09:13,527 --> 01:09:16,113
The money. Where's the money?
1355
01:09:19,231 --> 01:09:20,288
What money?
1356
01:09:22,542 --> 01:09:25,151
The money in the bed. Where's the money in the bed?
1357
01:09:26,548 --> 01:09:28,401
There is no money in the bed.
1358
01:09:28,553 --> 01:09:31,230
Everybody knows there's bread in Golders Green's bed.
1359
01:09:32,558 --> 01:09:33,560
There's no money in the bed.
1360
01:09:33,560 --> 01:09:35,179
It's rumors and lies.
1361
01:09:35,563 --> 01:09:37,567
Look! Look at the bed! There's no money in the bed.
1362
01:09:37,567 --> 01:09:39,846
But Margaret, maybe he's telling the truth,
1363
01:09:40,571 --> 01:09:42,853
not all jewish people have a lot of money.
1364
01:09:43,576 --> 01:09:45,196
It's just a stereotype.
1365
01:09:45,580 --> 01:09:47,584
People stereotype jews in the same way
1366
01:09:47,584 --> 01:09:49,586
that they stereotype balck men or fat women.
1367
01:09:49,586 --> 01:09:51,240
Jewish people are rich,
1368
01:09:51,591 --> 01:09:53,342
black men are well-endowed,
1369
01:09:53,593 --> 01:09:56,536
fat women only become lesbians only because
they can't find a man.
1370
01:09:57,599 --> 01:09:58,601
You know,
1371
01:09:58,601 --> 01:10:01,181
Maybe there's no truth in a stereotype whatsoever.
1372
01:10:01,608 --> 01:10:03,292
Especially that last one.
1373
01:10:05,614 --> 01:10:07,617
Whether or not poor Golders Green died from being hit
1374
01:10:07,617 --> 01:10:10,161
or from a heart attack we'll never know.
1375
01:10:11,622 --> 01:10:12,624
Heart attack or no heart attack, though,
1376
01:10:12,624 --> 01:10:14,874
the sheer pain of seeing his bed destroyed
1377
01:10:15,632 --> 01:10:17,633
in front of his very eyes
1378
01:10:17,633 --> 01:10:19,485
would have killed him anyway.
1379
01:10:19,638 --> 01:10:21,487
There's no bread in the bed?
1380
01:10:21,639 --> 01:10:23,644
No. It was just a stereotype, stupid.
1381
01:10:23,644 --> 01:10:25,691
And as we all know,
1382
01:10:26,647 --> 01:10:28,433
there's no truth in a stereotype whatsoever.
1383
01:10:28,652 --> 01:10:30,237
So what's in the bag?
1384
01:10:31,657 --> 01:10:33,706
There's no bread in the bag either.
1385
01:10:34,660 --> 01:10:36,248
So there we all were.
1386
01:10:36,665 --> 01:10:37,667
Standing there like the total knobs
1387
01:10:37,667 --> 01:10:39,583
Golders Green had taken us for.
1388
01:10:39,670 --> 01:10:41,673
Golders Green in more ways that one
1389
01:10:41,673 --> 01:10:43,490
had well and truly shagged the lot of us.
1390
01:10:45,679 --> 01:10:48,322
All of us, that is, except for the desperate dwarf.
1391
01:10:49,685 --> 01:10:51,173
Where's the money?
1392
01:10:51,689 --> 01:10:53,473
Who the hell is the midget?
1393
01:10:53,692 --> 01:10:55,576
I'm not a midget, I'm a dwarf!
1394
01:10:57,698 --> 01:10:59,816
How the hell did a dwarf get in here?
1395
01:11:01,706 --> 01:11:03,491
Small is small, I like big.
1396
01:11:08,709 --> 01:11:11,000
No, the desperate dwarf Golders Green didn't shag.
1397
01:11:11,722 --> 01:11:13,178
He was too small.
1398
01:11:33,757 --> 01:11:35,113
The Iron Lady!
1399
01:11:36,764 --> 01:11:37,766
Where's the money?
1400
01:11:37,766 --> 01:11:39,252
There is no money!
1401
01:11:39,768 --> 01:11:42,016
Oh! If there is no money, how did Golders Green
1402
01:11:44,777 --> 01:11:46,960
persuade the queen to have sex with him?
1403
01:11:47,782 --> 01:11:48,785
He didn't.
1404
01:11:48,785 --> 01:11:50,788
They probably had sex just for pleasure.
1405
01:11:50,788 --> 01:11:52,770
They probably did it out of love.
1406
01:11:52,791 --> 01:11:53,793
Did it out of love?
1407
01:11:53,793 --> 01:11:55,480
Sex for pleasure?
1408
01:11:55,797 --> 01:11:57,878
No, you don't need money to have sex.
1409
01:11:58,801 --> 01:12:00,804
That again is yet another stereotype.
1410
01:12:00,804 --> 01:12:03,283
Two unattractive people can have sex, as long as
1411
01:12:03,809 --> 01:12:05,793
they're attracted to each other.
1412
01:12:06,813 --> 01:12:09,694
Two people who are in love can have sex for free.
1413
01:12:12,823 --> 01:12:14,543
They can have sex for free?? Bahh!
1414
01:12:18,030 --> 01:12:18,785
Look, enough of this!
1415
01:12:18,835 --> 01:12:21,213
What does this anyway, a bloody circus or what?
1416
01:12:21,839 --> 01:12:23,842
How many more clowns and midgets am I to expect tonight?
1417
01:12:23,842 --> 01:12:25,725
I'm not a midget, I'm a dwarf!
1418
01:12:25,845 --> 01:12:27,464
What's the difference?
1419
01:12:27,848 --> 01:12:28,848
Small is small!
1420
01:12:28,848 --> 01:12:32,429
I keep telling you, I'm not a midget. I'm a dwarf!
1421
01:12:34,661 --> 01:12:35,861
For a small short arse of a guy
1422
01:12:35,861 --> 01:12:36,863
the desperate dwarf
1423
01:12:36,863 --> 01:12:38,866
had an awfully large chip on his shoulder.
1424
01:12:38,866 --> 01:12:40,916
Yet again he went flipping mental.
1425
01:12:41,873 --> 01:12:44,052
Then again, his inferiority complex
1426
01:12:44,876 --> 01:12:46,881
could be seen as justified. I mean, after all,
1427
01:12:46,881 --> 01:12:49,723
the poor midget did only have a 3�-inch willy.
1428
01:12:53,892 --> 01:12:56,041
Hitting on everyone with his big stick
1429
01:12:56,896 --> 01:12:58,900
the desperate dwarf was directly responsible
1430
01:12:58,900 --> 01:13:00,884
for Dead Gay Guys number 6, 7,
1431
01:13:01,905 --> 01:13:04,054
8 and 9. Number 9 being himself.
1432
01:13:05,911 --> 01:13:07,862
The Iron Lady fell on top of him.
1433
01:13:07,915 --> 01:13:09,919
It was the first time the desperate dwarf
1434
01:13:09,919 --> 01:13:11,922
had ever hit on a woman, and it was the first time
1435
01:13:11,922 --> 01:13:14,268
the Iron Lady had ever been on top of a man!
1436
01:13:15,927 --> 01:13:17,780
She was a lesbian, of course.
1437
01:13:18,935 --> 01:13:20,619
They had sex for pleasure?
1438
01:13:25,944 --> 01:13:28,918
It has been known to happen from time to time, Byron,
you know.
1439
01:13:30,953 --> 01:13:32,838
But if they had sex for pleasure
1440
01:13:32,957 --> 01:13:35,303
then what the frig was the big bed for then?
1441
01:13:35,962 --> 01:13:37,910
That was for pleasure too, maybe?
1442
01:13:40,211 --> 01:13:41,411
Nah!
1443
01:13:44,168 --> 01:13:45,586
There has to be money in there!
1444
01:13:45,978 --> 01:13:47,994
Byron, there is no money, all right?
1445
01:13:48,183 --> 01:13:50,768
There is no frigging money!
1446
01:13:52,386 --> 01:13:53,772
You just don't get it, do you?
1447
01:13:55,995 --> 01:13:57,997
You can't get it into that thick skull of yours
1448
01:13:57,997 --> 01:14:00,080
that people can have sex for pleasure. Huh??
1449
01:14:04,009 --> 01:14:05,958
Wow!
You know, people fucking for fun!
1450
01:14:07,013 --> 01:14:09,468
How strange, huh?
1451
01:14:12,022 --> 01:14:14,026
What is it about that strange concept
1452
01:14:14,026 --> 01:14:16,510
you just, you just can't grasp, huh?
1453
01:14:19,035 --> 01:14:20,124
Jesus!
1454
01:14:24,041 --> 01:14:26,685
You know, there doesn't have to be any money, Byron.
1455
01:14:28,048 --> 01:14:29,666
There isn't any money!
1456
01:14:30,049 --> 01:14:32,563
There's nothing except that stupid fucking bed!
1457
01:14:34,056 --> 01:14:35,115
Fuck!
1458
01:14:51,087 --> 01:14:52,088
The armchair!
1459
01:14:52,088 --> 01:14:54,600
You see, I'll let any number of willies up my bum
1460
01:14:56,094 --> 01:14:58,098
but I won't let anybody sit in my chair.
1461
01:14:58,098 --> 01:15:00,741
In other words, my bum might be everybody's property
1462
01:15:02,104 --> 01:15:05,889
but my seat is my property. Hah!
1463
01:15:13,123 --> 01:15:15,225
The year I went down to London to actively seek work
1464
01:15:15,325 --> 01:15:18,043
was a significant year for me.
1465
01:15:19,831 --> 01:15:23,143
Dossing about on the dole is hardly new to me exactly,
1466
01:15:23,240 --> 01:15:25,585
But dossing about on the dole down in London,
1467
01:15:26,144 --> 01:15:28,192
Now that was a significant change.
1468
01:15:31,151 --> 01:15:34,294
For they say, the streets of London are paved with gold.
1469
01:15:35,559 --> 01:15:37,762
I now know this to be an undisputed fact,
1470
01:15:37,862 --> 01:15:40,274
for even I was able to find gainful employment
1471
01:15:40,366 --> 01:15:41,822
in the big smoke.
1472
01:15:43,371 --> 01:15:46,453
Now, I'm a lazy bastard at the best of times,
1473
01:15:47,177 --> 01:15:49,182
But if a dosser like me could find work,
1474
01:15:49,182 --> 01:15:50,769
then so could anyone.
1475
01:15:54,390 --> 01:15:58,235
Highly lucrative and wholly illegitimate work.
1476
01:16:01,202 --> 01:16:03,086
But most significantly of all,
1477
01:16:03,205 --> 01:16:05,355
the year I went down to London
1478
01:16:05,508 --> 01:16:08,357
was the year of the nine dead gay guys.
1479
01:16:09,217 --> 01:16:11,066
Byron, why do you have to go?
1480
01:16:11,218 --> 01:16:12,971
I mean, why don't you stay?
1481
01:16:13,223 --> 01:16:16,007
Nah, I've had enough, Kenny.
1482
01:16:16,726 --> 01:16:18,743
I've had enough of dead gay guys.
1483
01:16:21,636 --> 01:16:24,440
I mean I don't know what it is
about you and dead people, Kenny,
1484
01:16:24,440 --> 01:16:26,325
but there's been nine arleady.
1485
01:16:26,244 --> 01:16:27,763
Nine dead gay guys.
1486
01:16:28,246 --> 01:16:29,448
I mean that's a hell of a lot of dead people
1487
01:16:29,448 --> 01:16:31,252
and you've only been here a couple of days.
1488
01:16:31,252 --> 01:16:32,936
Know what I mean?
1489
01:16:40,065 --> 01:16:41,450
Why don't you come with me?
1490
01:16:41,468 --> 01:16:43,271
Go back home for a little while. It might do you some good.
1491
01:16:43,572 --> 01:16:44,572
Nah!
1492
01:16:44,371 --> 01:16:45,894
Well why not?
1493
01:16:46,276 --> 01:16:48,462
What's there to stay for?
1494
01:16:48,879 --> 01:16:50,998
You know, the streets of London,
1495
01:16:51,284 --> 01:16:53,006
Paved with gold.
1496
01:16:59,698 --> 01:17:02,215
Anyway, it's giro week sure.
1497
01:17:09,314 --> 01:17:11,529
How much more money do you want, Kenny?
1498
01:17:13,322 --> 01:17:15,139
Well you know what they say:
1499
01:17:15,325 --> 01:17:17,329
Where there's money, there's love.
1500
01:17:17,329 --> 01:17:20,673
Although you don't need money to have sex, exactly,
1501
01:17:20,733 --> 01:17:22,455
it can, however, help.
1502
01:17:23,338 --> 01:17:27,186
You see, although Golders Green did, in fact
1503
01:17:27,346 --> 01:17:29,262
pay her majesty for his pleasure,
1504
01:17:29,348 --> 01:17:31,451
their relationship was not totally
1505
01:17:31,551 --> 01:17:33,269
without reciprocation.
1506
01:17:33,953 --> 01:17:36,997
It was what you might call a give and take relationship.
1507
01:17:40,366 --> 01:17:42,646
Golders Green gave, and the queen took.
1508
01:17:43,370 --> 01:17:44,990
Thank you, your majesty.
1509
01:17:46,375 --> 01:17:50,188
But then sometimes it was the other way round.
1510
01:17:50,381 --> 01:17:52,200
No,
1511
01:17:54,001 --> 01:17:55,901
Thank you Goldilocks.
1512
01:17:55,391 --> 01:17:58,403
In other words, not only could the queen take it,
1513
01:17:58,396 --> 01:18:00,679
but the queen could also give it.
1514
01:18:01,401 --> 01:18:04,086
And so, I guess you could say,
1515
01:18:03,406 --> 01:18:06,488
they were, in more ways than one,
1516
01:18:06,508 --> 01:18:08,755
respectively able to fill each other's hole.
1517
01:18:09,413 --> 01:18:10,472
What?
1518
01:18:13,419 --> 01:18:15,635
The hole in each other's life, that is.
1519
01:18:20,432 --> 01:18:22,436
Never wonder then why Golders Green
1520
01:18:22,436 --> 01:18:24,121
was so precious about his seat.
1521
01:18:24,439 --> 01:18:26,093
Or in other, other words,
1522
01:18:26,443 --> 01:18:29,143
when it comes to Golders Green's end
1523
01:18:29,443 --> 01:18:31,522
it really is true to say
1524
01:18:31,651 --> 01:18:33,774
that where there's money
1525
01:18:34,275 --> 01:18:35,675
there's love.
1526
01:18:40,667 --> 01:18:43,111
And if London can do all that for Golders Green,
1527
01:18:44,472 --> 01:18:47,983
then London can do all that for my best mate, Kenny.
1528
01:18:48,479 --> 01:18:50,563
Whatever makes you happy.
1529
01:18:52,485 --> 01:18:53,487
Hey Byron
1530
01:18:53,487 --> 01:18:54,545
What?
1531
01:18:59,496 --> 01:19:02,248
It's good seeing you, man.
1532
01:19:02,300 --> 01:19:04,618
Yeah it's good seeing you too.
106843
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