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1
00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,189
- Previously
on "Time Traveling Bong"...
2
00:00:15,189 --> 00:00:16,755
- I can'’t get off
without HD porn, Sharee.
3
00:00:16,755 --> 00:00:18,714
[whooshing]
4
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:20,107
- Watch out!
- Hey!
5
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,282
- Oh, my God.
6
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:23,110
"Time traveling bong."
7
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:27,027
[dramatic music]
8
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,203
- Witchcraft has come to Salem.
9
00:00:29,203 --> 00:00:30,682
We will stamp it out.
10
00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:31,683
- [screams]
11
00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:32,641
[glass shatters]
12
00:00:32,641 --> 00:00:33,729
both: No!
13
00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:35,252
- I found a glassblower.
14
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:36,210
I think he'’s gonna do
an amazing job.
15
00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:37,733
- Your vase-pipe,
Sir Jeff.
16
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:39,169
- This looks like shit!
[goat bleats]
17
00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:40,301
Here goes the witch!
18
00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:42,216
[Sharee screams]
[whooshing]
19
00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:44,261
- The glassblower messed up
the bong when he blew it.
20
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:45,567
- Now we have no ability
to control where we go,
21
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:47,134
forcing us to bounce around
22
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,397
the space-time continuum
indefinitely?
23
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:52,226
We'’re going to raise
Michael Jackson as our son.
24
00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:53,575
I can'’t do this.
- Me either.
25
00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:55,185
Holy shit.
26
00:00:55,185 --> 00:00:57,492
The best time in human history: ancient Greece.
27
00:00:57,492 --> 00:00:58,754
both: Greek salad!
28
00:00:58,754 --> 00:01:01,713
[funky music]
29
00:01:01,713 --> 00:01:09,504
♪
30
00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:12,420
[upbeat bouzouki music]
31
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:15,162
♪
32
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:18,121
- Wow, great view.
33
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:19,644
- Yeah, it'’s okay.
34
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:21,168
- Huh.
35
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,908
- I can read this.
36
00:01:22,908 --> 00:01:24,519
- What?
- Yeah.
37
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:26,042
I know the Greek alphabet.
- Wait, how?
38
00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:28,349
- From my one semester at SDT
at Rutgers before I dropped out.
39
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:30,438
I'’m a sorority girl, remember?
40
00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:32,701
- Right.
Yeah.
41
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:36,226
- [speaking Greek]
42
00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:38,533
There'’s an event or something?
43
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,404
Hold on.
Excuse me.
44
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:45,888
- Wow.
45
00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:48,325
- Okay.
[burps]
46
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,806
There'’s a really hot party
tonight.
47
00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:54,070
Free wine, beans, chestnuts,
and toasted wheat!
48
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,941
Yes!
- Nice!
49
00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:58,205
Dude, I could so use a party
after that child rearing.
50
00:01:58,205 --> 00:01:59,380
My God.
51
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:00,381
- We earned this time period,
right?
52
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,773
- Yeah, we did.
Yes.
53
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:03,645
- I'’m gonna do a smoky eye
and a nude lip.
54
00:02:03,645 --> 00:02:05,560
What are you gonna do?
55
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:06,822
- I guess I'’ll put on a toga.
56
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,606
- Greek salad.
- Greek salad.
57
00:02:08,606 --> 00:02:11,609
[exotic techno music]
58
00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:19,487
♪
59
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,580
- ♪ Hey
60
00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,582
♪ Hey
61
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:35,459
♪
62
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:46,992
- This party is great, huh?
- Yeah.
63
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:48,690
Thank you.
- Except for all the kids.
64
00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:49,865
- No, it'’s good, you know?
65
00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,040
Greeks are way more enlightened.
66
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,433
Kids should mingle with adults.
67
00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:55,566
We should treat them
like real people.
68
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:57,612
She literally doesn'’t know
anyone else here.
69
00:02:57,612 --> 00:02:59,353
♪
70
00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:00,702
- ♪ Hey
71
00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:03,270
♪
72
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:06,273
- [speaking Greek]
73
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:08,971
♪
74
00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:10,190
- ♪ Hey
75
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,671
♪
76
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:16,152
[woman moaning]
77
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:19,111
- Oh, it'’s that kind of party.
78
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:20,200
- Oh.
79
00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:23,812
- Mm.
80
00:03:23,812 --> 00:03:26,684
- Well, when in Rome, right?
81
00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:30,862
- Wait, we'’re in Rome?
82
00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:32,255
- No, we'’re in Greece.
83
00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:33,561
- Oh, yeah, I thought Greece.
84
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,824
I just--I got confused
when you said Rome.
85
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:37,129
- No, yeah, Greece.
86
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:38,130
- Okay.
87
00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:39,306
- Okay.
Bye.
88
00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:42,309
[upbeat bouzouki music]
89
00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:47,357
♪
90
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:50,360
[intense techno music]
91
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:58,281
♪
92
00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:09,945
[people moaning]
93
00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:13,688
- Hey!
- Oh, hi!
94
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,037
How are you?
- Oh!
95
00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,865
I'’m great.
This is crazy, right?
96
00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:18,519
- I know.
97
00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:20,129
Do you think it'’s safe?
- I don'’t know.
98
00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:22,436
I mean, I'’m wearing
a sheep'’s bladder as a condom,
99
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,307
but I mean, I hope it works.
100
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:26,048
I think people are
really drawn to my teeth,
101
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,398
because I don'’t--
I'’m, like, doing really well.
102
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:29,965
- Yeah, everybody'’s
doing really well.
103
00:04:29,965 --> 00:04:31,009
It'’s an orgy.
104
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:32,097
- Well, yeah.
105
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:33,098
[both laugh]
106
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,099
Good point.
107
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:36,101
- You know what?
108
00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:37,886
I don'’t think we'’ve partied
together since high school.
109
00:04:37,886 --> 00:04:38,887
- Whoa.
Is that true?
110
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,192
How can that be true?
111
00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:42,107
- I don'’t know.
112
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:44,936
We just started hanging out
with different groups, you know?
113
00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:46,155
- Yeah.
114
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:47,809
- And then when Grandma died...
115
00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:49,550
- We became roommates,
and when you'’re roommates,
116
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:50,986
you never make plans
to hang out.
117
00:04:50,986 --> 00:04:52,683
You just complain and...
118
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:55,425
- Talking about how you
leave piss on the seat.
119
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:56,774
- Or how you never
take out the trash
120
00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:58,080
or do the dishes.
121
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,388
- Or how you ejaculate
on my electronics...
122
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,738
- [laughs]
- Repeatedly.
123
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:05,609
- Sorry. I know.
Sorry.
124
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:06,610
Well, you know what?
125
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,046
It has been really great
126
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:09,744
seeing you blossom
on this trip.
127
00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:11,659
- And how about you, dude?
128
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:13,835
Back at home,
I feel like you were...
129
00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:15,619
stuck.
130
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:19,493
But here you put yourself
out there, and it pays off.
131
00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:21,930
I mean, a girl is sucking
your [bleep] right now.
132
00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:23,235
- I know!
133
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,367
It'’s crazy.
134
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:26,108
This has been so fun.
135
00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,284
- I wouldn'’t have wanted to
time travel with anybody else.
136
00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:32,070
- Aw. That'’s cool.
Me either.
137
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:33,289
Best cousins.
138
00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:34,421
- Best cousins.
Greek salad.
139
00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:35,944
- Greek salad.
140
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:37,815
♪
141
00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:38,903
Ooh!
142
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,165
♪
143
00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,128
Huh.
144
00:05:46,128 --> 00:05:47,651
- Oh!
- [gasps]
145
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,044
- What is that?
- Oh!
146
00:05:49,044 --> 00:05:50,219
- Is that a b--
147
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:51,612
- Did we--
- Did we f--
148
00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,440
[both scream]
149
00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:56,399
- Oh, my God.
150
00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:58,401
Did we f--
[retching]
151
00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,185
- [retching]
152
00:06:00,185 --> 00:06:01,752
I don'’t know.
153
00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:03,058
I don'’t think so.
I don'’t think so.
154
00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:04,451
Oh, God, but it'’s hard
to remember.
155
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:05,887
It'’s such a blur.
156
00:06:05,887 --> 00:06:07,802
Bodies and passion and--
157
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:10,413
[gagging]
158
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:12,546
[both retching]
159
00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:14,417
- We'’re cousins, Jeff.
160
00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:17,681
- [retching and spitting]
161
00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:19,291
I know, Sharee.
162
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,902
- [retches]
163
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:22,556
I knew I shouldn'’t
have come with you.
164
00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:23,600
- What?
165
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,646
- I knew this was a bad idea!
166
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:26,734
- Before you time traveled,
167
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,300
you'’d never had an orgasm
168
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,824
and you were dating
a married guy.
169
00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:31,869
- I like my life.
I like my job at Hertz.
170
00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:34,437
I like my shitty
married boyfriend.
171
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,526
You were the one trying
to escape your sad life.
172
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:39,616
Now we'’re both
weird loser [bleep]-cousins.
173
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:40,617
- Alleged!
174
00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,402
- Ew! Ew!
175
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,534
- You didn'’t seem to mind when
your finger was in my butthole.
176
00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:45,927
- That was you?
177
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:47,668
- You said my butthole
was tighter than a dime
178
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:48,973
and I need to loosen up.
179
00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,584
- Stop!
Oh, God!
180
00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:51,802
Listen.
181
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:53,413
If we ever get back to 2016,
182
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,371
I think you should move out.
183
00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:56,894
- Fine.
You know what?
184
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,548
If we ever get back to 2016,
I will.
185
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,768
In fact, I think we need
some space right now.
186
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,291
- Great idea.
187
00:07:02,291 --> 00:07:05,512
- [giggling]
188
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,122
- But let'’s maybe get it
somewhere else.
189
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:09,167
- Yeah, there'’s some serious
abuse happening here.
190
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,342
- Oh, it'’s rough.
191
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:13,345
[dramatic music]
192
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:20,744
♪
193
00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:22,137
[whooshing]
194
00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,269
Oh, I forgot to get
a Greek salad!
195
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:26,358
♪
196
00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:27,577
[whooshing]
197
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:29,100
[both grunting]
198
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:31,059
It does not get any easier.
199
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:33,670
- Ah.
- God.
200
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:35,542
Is that a flying car?
201
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:38,588
[engine whirring]
202
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:39,284
- It'’s the future.
203
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:40,285
- [laughs]
204
00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:42,244
Oh, my God.
205
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,767
♪
206
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:44,942
- This must be a dump.
207
00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:46,466
- God.
208
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,206
- Let'’s get out of here.
209
00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,207
- Yikes.
210
00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:52,123
♪
211
00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,255
Ugh.
212
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:54,648
- Nope.
213
00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:56,563
- Another dead end.
214
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,695
- Maybe we should get high.
215
00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:01,524
- Ooh, there'’s got to be
something to smoke out of here.
216
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:02,960
- No, I mean get higher up
217
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,440
and see if we can see
where the exit is.
218
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,528
- Fine.
219
00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:09,619
- All right, come on.
220
00:08:13,318 --> 00:08:14,929
- [grunts]
221
00:08:16,321 --> 00:08:19,324
[ominous music]
222
00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:21,283
♪
223
00:08:21,283 --> 00:08:24,025
Oh, my God.
224
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:25,417
Did you just fart?
225
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:26,810
- No!
226
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:27,855
I think you'’re probably smelling
227
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:28,856
the huge pile of trash
you'’re on.
228
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:30,597
- Duh. Sorry.
229
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:31,859
- It'’s okay.
230
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:38,866
♪
231
00:08:38,866 --> 00:08:41,695
- [grunting]
232
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:43,392
Ooh, God.
233
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,960
God, it is redonkulously hot.
234
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,614
- Oh, my God,
you'’re really red.
235
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,441
- Holy shit, so are you.
236
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:50,530
- Ah. Ow!
- We'’re burning alive!
237
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,879
- Ooh! Ow!
238
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,271
Get in the shade.
Get in the shade.
239
00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:54,664
- There'’s no shade.
It'’s just trash.
240
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:55,796
- Shit.
- Oh!
241
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,885
- Oh!
- Oh, God!
242
00:08:57,885 --> 00:08:59,713
I can smell your skin.
243
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,149
- Ooh, it'’s sizzling.
244
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:02,454
- Oh, my God.
245
00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:05,196
- Oh.
- Good idea.
246
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:06,589
Let'’s get out of here!
247
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:07,547
- Give me the bong.
Give me the bong.
248
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,548
- Go!
- I can'’t.
249
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,636
My fingers are too sweaty.
250
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:10,811
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
251
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:13,814
[hip-hop music playing]
252
00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:16,120
♪
253
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:16,991
[music stops]
254
00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:20,603
Oh, thank you.
255
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:23,432
- [speaking a Chinese language]
256
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,782
- English.
- Do you speak English?
257
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,828
- [with Chinese accent]
Yes, English.
258
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:28,872
I am Dasani.
259
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:30,570
This is my friend Aquafina.
260
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,745
And that'’s JoJo.
261
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,616
- Are you guys doing an accent?
262
00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:36,576
- Yeah, I know we just met,
but that'’s kind of racist.
263
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,273
- I'’m not doing accent.
264
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:40,710
Chinese is first official
language of America.
265
00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:43,104
- You use accent like
drunk uncle does at holiday.
266
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:44,932
It'’s very passé.
[laughs]
267
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:46,063
- Me so sorry.
268
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:50,459
Ah, it is almost noon.
269
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:51,808
We must get inside.
Come.
270
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:53,636
- "Me so sorry"?
271
00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:55,725
- It just came out.
I don'’t know.
272
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,690
- We are so happy
to meet new defectors
273
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,648
of the evil corporation
Nomsanto.
274
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,824
- Now that you'’re out,
you can finally learn the truth.
275
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:09,217
- Yeah, walk us
through some stuff.
276
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:11,132
Pretend like we don'’t know
anything.
277
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:13,700
- [blowing forcefully]
278
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,354
Nomsanto is agricultural
biotechnology company
279
00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:17,834
that rules our world.
280
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:20,489
- In 2009, Citizens United
allowed corporations
281
00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:22,186
to sponsor elections.
282
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:23,971
- Nomsanto gained influence
and abolished
283
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:26,016
the Environmental
Protections Agency.
284
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:28,018
- So Earth grew too hot
for plants to grow,
285
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:29,759
and the world was plagued
with famine.
286
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:32,196
Corporations kept merging
until there were only two:
287
00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:34,329
Nomsanto
and Vivid Entertainment.
288
00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:35,504
- The porn company?
289
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:36,505
- Yes.
290
00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:37,506
- That'’s awesome.
291
00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:39,029
- Why did you defect?
292
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,683
Is the resistance forming?
293
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:42,642
- Actually,
we'’re not defectors.
294
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,991
- Are you spies?
295
00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,557
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
296
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:46,646
We'’re not spies, okay?
We'’re not spies.
297
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,821
- No. No, no, no, no.
298
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,213
- Well, who are you, then?
299
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:51,999
- We'’re time travelers.
300
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:53,870
- [gasps]
301
00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:56,743
Did you employ the principles
of the Tipler Cylinder?
302
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:59,659
- Can you confirm
our Schroedinger equation in QM?
303
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,748
- Mm...no.
304
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,140
- We'’ve been working
305
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,229
on a time traveling tool
to save our world.
306
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:07,667
And we developed this.
307
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,059
- The bong but fixed.
308
00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:10,104
- We can go home.
309
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:12,019
- It'’s a time traveling bong.
310
00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,411
- We know.
- Yeah.
311
00:11:13,411 --> 00:11:15,370
- It started as a silly idea
among friends
312
00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:16,893
when we would drink
gasoline.
313
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,678
- But then it actually
turned out to be a thing.
314
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,462
- Which is pretty hilarious.
315
00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:21,811
- Since nothing can grow
on Earth anymore,
316
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,639
we cannot use it
317
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:26,207
'’cause it'’s fueled
by the ancient herb marijuana.
318
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,208
- Oh, my God, I have weed.
319
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:28,513
- [gasps]
320
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:31,516
[ethereal vocal music]
321
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:34,084
♪
322
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,303
- Sticky, right?
323
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:37,871
- So [bleep] sticky.
324
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:39,873
[bird screeches]
325
00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:41,831
[blipping]
326
00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:43,441
[beeping]
327
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:46,357
[alarm beeping]
328
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,100
[both speaking
a Chinese language]
329
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:55,845
- We should use your sweet bud
to time travel immediately.
330
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:59,544
- Or we could keep the seeds
and synthetically replicate it.
331
00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:00,850
There'’s a huge market for it.
332
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:01,938
I know some guys
who could distribute.
333
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,505
- We don'’t have to be "dealers."
334
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,637
We would just sell enough
that we smoke for free.
335
00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:06,595
- No, no, no, no,
or you guys
336
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:07,857
could do your original plan,
337
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,293
which is to time travel.
338
00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:10,904
- Well, we don'’t know
if the bong works yet,
339
00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:12,601
so we might as well
get high first anyway.
340
00:12:12,601 --> 00:12:14,037
- No, it does work.
Look.
341
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,299
We used it to get here.
342
00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:20,000
- Uh, what the [bleep] is that?
343
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,566
- It'’s your bong.
344
00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:22,916
- It looks like shit.
345
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,787
- Yeah, well, we broke it.
346
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,529
- But we used it to get here.
347
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:28,748
We got it from
these future people,
348
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:29,966
this black lady
and this white dude.
349
00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:31,838
They'’re wearing
"Star Trek" stuff--
350
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:32,926
[both gasp]
351
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:36,712
[all groaning]
352
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:39,410
[dramatic music]
353
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:46,026
♪
354
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:49,029
- [groaning]
355
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:56,601
♪
356
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,081
- Sharee.
357
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:03,478
- Sharee!
358
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,046
- They took the weed.
359
00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:07,743
- Yeah, and Sharee.
360
00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:08,788
Where did they take her?
361
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:09,963
- There'’s an incinerator room
362
00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:11,703
at the core
of the Nomsanto Center.
363
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:12,748
- Oh, my God.
364
00:13:12,748 --> 00:13:14,489
I have to save her.
365
00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:15,446
Sharee!
366
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:30,331
- Hey, actually, I don'’t know
my way around here.
367
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:32,942
Can you guys show me how to get
to the Nomsanto Center?
368
00:13:32,942 --> 00:13:34,074
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, definitely.
369
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:35,075
- All right,
let'’s hurry, though.
370
00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:37,033
- Get my gloves.
371
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,034
- Guys, please, no.
372
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,557
What are you gonna do to me?
373
00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:42,560
- You were found in possession
of plant life,
374
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:43,561
which is illegal.
375
00:13:43,561 --> 00:13:44,954
- That is such bullshit.
376
00:13:44,954 --> 00:13:46,913
Nature rules us,
not the other way around.
377
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:49,480
[both laugh]
378
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:54,094
[dramatic music]
379
00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:56,400
♪
380
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,620
- We can go no further.
381
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,317
Our ID chips might sound
the alarms.
382
00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:01,928
You must go alone.
383
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:04,104
- I don'’t know
if I can do this alone, guys.
384
00:14:04,104 --> 00:14:05,975
- Here, take this.
385
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:08,238
- It is your only hope
to escape.
386
00:14:08,238 --> 00:14:10,284
But promise us, Jeff,
you will come back for us.
387
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:12,982
Together we must save
the planet.
388
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:14,897
- Uh, I mean, I'’ll try, yeah.
389
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,203
I gue--I'’ll try.
390
00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:17,552
Okay?
Cool.
391
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:18,945
So is there, like,
a secret entrance,
392
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:20,424
or, like, can you override
an access code?
393
00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:21,686
Can you hack into the system
394
00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:22,992
and shut down security
so I can--
395
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:24,298
- Nope.
- That'’d be great, right?
396
00:14:24,298 --> 00:14:25,429
We can'’t.
Just can'’t do it.
397
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:26,430
- I wish.
That'’d be so cool.
398
00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:28,171
- Oh.
399
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:30,260
- But there is one way
you can get inside undetected.
400
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:33,394
You must climb through
the biohazard chute.
401
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:34,525
- This shit?
402
00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:35,657
- Through there
will take you
403
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:36,701
straight to the n'’energy core.
404
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:38,181
- I can'’t climb up there.
405
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:39,139
There'’s condoms and syringes
and shit.
406
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:40,531
What if I get AIDS?
407
00:14:40,531 --> 00:14:42,533
- What? Oh, no,
AIDS has been eradicated.
408
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,448
- It has?
409
00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:47,756
Wow, I guess that'’s one
good thing about the future.
410
00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:49,062
[sighs]
Okay.
411
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:50,324
Thank you, guys.
412
00:14:50,324 --> 00:14:52,239
I'’ll never forget you.
413
00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:54,110
- You are coming back for us,
though, right?
414
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:55,416
- Yeah, I'’ll do my best.
415
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:58,332
Oh, this is just open.
416
00:14:59,594 --> 00:15:01,161
Whoof.
417
00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:03,772
This is the only way?
No other way?
418
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:05,643
Wow. Wow.
419
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:06,818
Okay.
420
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,646
Okay.
Oof, Jesus.
421
00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:10,997
God, it stinks!
Oof!
422
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,216
- AIDS hasn'’t been eradicated.
423
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:14,304
- I know.
424
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:15,740
It'’s worse than ever.
425
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:18,613
But he was freaking out,
so that'’s life.
426
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:21,746
[scanner beeping]
427
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,016
- Oh, God.
428
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,801
[whimpering]
429
00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:34,107
Please, no.
430
00:15:34,107 --> 00:15:35,717
Please, please, please.
431
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:36,936
Please, please.
432
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,198
What are you doing?
433
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:40,156
No!
434
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,332
Oh, God!
435
00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:43,986
Oh, God damn it!
436
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:45,814
That was just starting to heal.
437
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:48,730
[muffled screaming]
438
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,517
- [laughs]
439
00:15:53,517 --> 00:15:56,259
[dramatic music]
440
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:58,348
- I can'’t do this.
441
00:15:58,348 --> 00:15:59,567
Mm-mm.
442
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,440
Oh! Oh!
443
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:09,881
Where am I?
444
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:10,926
Oh!
445
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,978
[spits]
446
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,110
Okay.
447
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:23,983
[alarm blaring]
448
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,691
Oh.
449
00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:39,346
[sputtering]
450
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,787
Oh! Oh!
451
00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:52,272
[gasping]
452
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:56,841
[whimpering]
453
00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:09,898
[dramatic music]
454
00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:14,816
♪
455
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,690
- [muffled whimpering]
456
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,175
- You are an illegal citizen,
457
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:29,352
and possession of plant life
is punishable by death.
458
00:17:29,352 --> 00:17:37,230
♪
459
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:42,365
- This is the third computer
you'’ve destroyed.
460
00:17:42,365 --> 00:17:43,845
[echoing]
Destroyed.
461
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:44,889
- It'’s not my fault
everything breaks
462
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,152
if a drop of jizz hits it.
463
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:47,196
[echoing]
Drop of jizz hits it.
464
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:48,458
- Aim, Jeff.
465
00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:49,459
[echoing]
Aim.
466
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:56,466
♪
467
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,468
- [moans]
468
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:04,909
♪
469
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:08,087
Oh. You can do it, Jeff.
Come on.
470
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,958
[echoing]
I can'’t get off without porn.
471
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:12,047
I can'’t get off without porn.
472
00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:15,137
♪
473
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:16,312
- [muffled whimpering]
474
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:20,011
♪
475
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:21,970
- Oh, please.
476
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:24,320
♪
477
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,323
[exciting music]
478
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:28,411
♪
479
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,674
[electricity crackling]
Oh! Oh!
480
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:33,982
[dramatic music]
481
00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:36,027
[alarm blaring]
482
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:38,900
[woman speaking a Chinese
language over P.A. system]
483
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:51,956
- Come on.
Come on, Jeff.
484
00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:53,175
Come on.
Come on.
485
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:54,481
- [groaning]
486
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,874
Sharee, I [bleep] without porn.
487
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:58,920
- I saw.
I literally couldn'’t look away.
488
00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:02,402
- I have the bong.
489
00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:04,143
- Yes!
We can smoke it and go home.
490
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,101
- It'’s going to be hard
without this.
491
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:11,367
- No!
492
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:13,717
I'’m gonna kill you, bitch!
493
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:16,590
[alarm continues blaring]
494
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:31,866
Yes!
495
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:32,780
Ow, God.
496
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:37,872
[whooshing]
497
00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:42,746
[whooshing]
498
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:44,748
- Oh! [laughs]
- Oh! Oh!
499
00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:45,923
- Oh, my God!
- We'’re home!
500
00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:47,403
- We'’re home! Oh!
501
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:48,404
We'’re home!
502
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:49,666
- Wait, wait.
- Yes.
503
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,233
- Did you just smoke your hair?
- Yeah.
504
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,627
Remember in 2007 when
Britney Spears had her meltdown?
505
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,411
She saved her head '’cause she
didn'’t want to be tested for THC
506
00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:56,847
'’cause she would lose
her children.
507
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:58,762
And I realized I must have
enough THC in my hair,
508
00:19:58,762 --> 00:20:00,111
so I smoked it,
and it worked.
509
00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:02,288
- That'’s genius.
You are so smart.
510
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,767
- I am.
I'’m smart now.
511
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,116
- Oh.
512
00:20:05,116 --> 00:20:06,292
[gasps] Crispin!
- Crispin! Hi!
513
00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:08,990
- Oh, Crispin!
- Oh, my God!
514
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:10,948
Hi!
- Oh, we missed you, buddy.
515
00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:13,168
- Oh, my God,
there is so much I missed.
516
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:14,387
- Me too.
517
00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:15,692
- Running water.
518
00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:19,348
[triumphant music]
519
00:20:19,348 --> 00:20:20,784
Medicine.
520
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:22,786
- Toilet paper!
521
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:25,224
[doorbell rings]
522
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,486
both: Food!
523
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:28,749
[laughter on TV]
524
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,968
[both laugh]
525
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:32,970
[pounding at door]
526
00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:37,410
- Oh, God, yeah.
527
00:20:37,410 --> 00:20:38,802
- Come on, let'’s go.
528
00:20:38,802 --> 00:20:40,239
Applebee'’s happy hour
ends in 30 minutes.
529
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,631
I'’m not paying full price
for shit.
530
00:20:41,631 --> 00:20:43,633
- Jesus.
Okay, we'’re not dating anymore.
531
00:20:43,633 --> 00:20:45,200
I'’m breaking up with you.
532
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:46,897
- Cut the bullshit, fat tits.
Come on, let'’s go.
533
00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:48,421
- You know, I might have
[bleep] my cousin,
534
00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:50,684
and it was a healthier
situation than this.
535
00:20:50,684 --> 00:20:52,120
- Wait a minute.
What did you say?
536
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,469
- [slurping]
537
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:55,863
Mm, sorry.
538
00:20:57,299 --> 00:21:00,128
This is the best time.
539
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,695
- It really is.
540
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:04,654
You know,
I didn'’t realize before
541
00:21:04,654 --> 00:21:06,917
how shitty the world
has been
542
00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:08,963
for women forever.
543
00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:10,356
- Mm. Yeah.
544
00:21:10,356 --> 00:21:12,662
- I really learned
that I need to be
545
00:21:12,662 --> 00:21:14,098
the best woman
that I can be.
546
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:17,450
I owe it to the women
who'’ve suffered before me.
547
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:20,496
- I learned...how to masturbate
without porn.
548
00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:21,497
- That'’s something.
549
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:22,672
- That'’s huge.
550
00:21:22,672 --> 00:21:23,673
- It'’s something.
551
00:21:23,673 --> 00:21:25,719
- That'’s huge.
552
00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:26,720
[sighs]
553
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:27,982
I always said I was...
554
00:21:27,982 --> 00:21:28,939
both:
Born in the wrong decade.
555
00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:30,680
- I know.
556
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,247
- But I was just blaming
my stupid life on that.
557
00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:35,642
And the fact is, I'’m really
lucky to have been born now,
558
00:21:35,642 --> 00:21:36,904
and I need to take
advantage of it
559
00:21:36,904 --> 00:21:38,514
and not make excuses,
you know?
560
00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:39,646
- Totally.
That'’s amazing.
561
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,517
- Thank you.
562
00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:43,345
- Another classic from the king of pop, Michael Jackson.
563
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:44,912
both: Whoa!
564
00:21:44,912 --> 00:21:46,566
- One of his greatest hits
from 1986...
565
00:21:46,566 --> 00:21:47,784
- Our son.
566
00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:49,395
- "Left Behind."
567
00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:53,268
- ♪ You took me
568
00:21:53,268 --> 00:21:55,357
♪ Then you left me
569
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:56,576
- You don'’t think
that'’s about us.
570
00:21:56,576 --> 00:21:59,883
- ♪ My mommy, my mommy
571
00:21:59,883 --> 00:22:02,756
♪ My mommy and my daddy
572
00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:04,366
♪ Hee-hee
573
00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:05,411
- That'’s about us, yeah.
574
00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:06,760
- Okay.
- Ooh.
575
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,066
- I'’m definitely done
with time travel.
576
00:22:09,066 --> 00:22:10,720
- Me too.
577
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,418
- What should we do
with the bong?
578
00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:14,942
- Hmm.
579
00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:17,901
[somber music]
580
00:22:17,901 --> 00:22:25,518
♪
581
00:22:25,518 --> 00:22:26,910
[sighs]
582
00:22:26,910 --> 00:22:28,172
- Okay, I have to talk
a couple things through.
583
00:22:28,172 --> 00:22:29,609
- Yeah.
584
00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:30,523
- Why aren'’t there doubles
of us?
585
00:22:30,523 --> 00:22:31,654
- Oh.
586
00:22:31,654 --> 00:22:33,308
- Also, how did
the future people
587
00:22:33,308 --> 00:22:34,440
get here in the first place
if they didn'’t have weed?
588
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:35,832
- Mm-hmm.
589
00:22:35,832 --> 00:22:38,139
- Also, I'’m like,
"Why didn'’t we land
590
00:22:38,139 --> 00:22:39,488
"where the future people
landed in the street
591
00:22:39,488 --> 00:22:41,142
when we first saw them?"
592
00:22:41,142 --> 00:22:43,231
You know, aren'’t there parallel,
alternate timelines
593
00:22:43,231 --> 00:22:45,146
that we'’re dealing with here?
594
00:22:45,146 --> 00:22:46,756
- Yeah, there'’s a lot of theory
about time travel, right,
595
00:22:46,756 --> 00:22:48,323
and I'’ve been giving it
a lot of thought,
596
00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:49,759
and I think I figured it out.
597
00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:51,979
Here'’s the airtight logic.
598
00:22:51,979 --> 00:22:53,154
So--
[door slams]
599
00:22:57,114 --> 00:23:00,074
[dramatic percussive music]
600
00:23:00,074 --> 00:23:02,990
♪
601
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:08,691
- Action!
602
00:23:08,691 --> 00:23:10,476
[both grunting and screaming]
603
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,216
- Oh, my God!
- Ah!
604
00:23:12,216 --> 00:23:13,392
- ♪ Blame it on the dro
605
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:14,654
♪ Blame it on the pills
606
00:23:14,654 --> 00:23:15,785
♪ Got my eyes sittin'’ low ♪
607
00:23:15,785 --> 00:23:16,830
♪ Blame it on the dope
608
00:23:16,830 --> 00:23:18,005
♪ Blame it on the dro
609
00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:19,310
♪ Blame it on the pills
610
00:23:19,310 --> 00:23:20,529
♪ Got my eyes sittin'’ low ♪
611
00:23:20,529 --> 00:23:21,530
♪ You can blame it on the dro
37095
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