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1
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(MUSIC)
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(POP SONG PLAYING)
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Shit!
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(SIREN WAILING)
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00:00:14,326 --> 00:00:15,846
SEAMUS: Nice to see you.
6
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(OFFICE CHATTER)
7
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Jason, don't start me!
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I can't believe I'm
working in Turley's.
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00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:29,560
Will I actually get to - meet Turley, himself?
- Mm.
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00:00:30,630 --> 00:00:31,870
Do you know Primark?
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Why is it called Primark?
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00:00:34,905 --> 00:00:37,785
Was the fella that
started it called Primark?
13
00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:40,839
I wish someone would
name a shop after me.
14
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,400
But then who'd want to
call a shop "Gemma"?
15
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,439
My granny Betty hates tea.
16
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:50,519
I mean it's not even that she
doesn't like it, she hates it.
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00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,399
If you made her a cup of tea
she'd throw it in your face.
18
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,839
I says to her once: "Granny,
why do you hate tea so much?
19
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,719
She said: "Don't you ever ask me
that again or I'll break your neck!"
20
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,599
(PHONE DINGS)(SEAMUS CHUCKLES)
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This government has done more
than any previous government
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00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,359
to end child poverty in
the developing world,
23
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,959
but no one in the media
wants to ask me about that!
24
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,479
And then you'd respond?
25
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,160
Uh... (TAPS KEYS) Seamus?
26
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,279
If I had a shop, I'd
call it "Bracelets."
27
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,079
But I wouldn't sell bracelets.
28
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I just really like
the name, "Bracelets."
29
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:27,199
Do you know who I love?
Matthew McConaughey.
30
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,879
Do you know what I
don't love? Tomato soup.
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But I like real tomatoes
and I don't like potatoes.
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00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,399
But I do like chips.
But I don't like fish.
33
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,719
But I do like scampi.
34
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,279
Seamus, I really
think we should-
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Seamus? (PHONE DINGS)
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(HE CHUCKLES)
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00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,000
- Seamus?
- Yeah, just...
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one sec.
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00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,639
Um...
40
00:01:55,640 --> 00:02:00,879
GEMMA: Crisps, broccoli, lettuce,
marzipan, porridge, curly wurleys...
41
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,839
Seamus, could you...?
42
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,359
Sausages, vegetarian
sausages, vegan sausages...
43
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NDIDI: Ahem.
44
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,199
- OK, no!
- Hey!
45
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:14,120
Anything vegan, anything
sausage-Shut the fuck up, Gemma!
46
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,639
I need you to focus.
47
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,959
Nisha Anand is a
formidable media performer.
48
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,119
If you're not prepared for this,
she will make you look amateur-
49
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:26,279
It's fine. Stop freaking
out. I'll just say, you know:
50
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,519
Nisha Anand, in an interview with
the Daily Telegraph, you described
51
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:34,319
the 2008 Climate Change Act as a
lurch towards global communism.
52
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,159
Seamus-Don't you think that
kind of language is not just
53
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,800
inflammatory but
hugely irresponsible?
54
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,959
Answer the question, Minister!
55
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,520
That wasn't her, Seamus.
56
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,599
Fuck! That was the
Health Secretary!
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00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,360
OK, OK, OK. I'll start again.
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Foreign Secretary...
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(CRUNCHING)
60
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,120
(FORKLIFT BEEPING)
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00:02:58,280 --> 00:02:59,439
I'm sorry I shouted at you.
62
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,679
I'm a bit stressed, I shouldn't
have taken it out on you.
63
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,759
Are you depressed again?
Who told you that?
64
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:06,039
Everyone who works
here. I'm not depressed.
65
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,320
If anything, it's the
opposite, I'm... overjoyed.
66
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:11,919
(SHE SIGHS)
67
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,999
Is this about a fella?
I can't talk about it.
68
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,959
It is about a fella!
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00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,879
I haven't told anyone about
him and it's driving me mental.
70
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,199
- Who is he?
- He's nobody. Well he's not nobody.
71
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,879
He's famous! Fuck off!
72
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:26,119
His girlfriend's famous,
too! He has a girlfriend?
73
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,799
I know, it's terrible
So how'd you meet him?
74
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,599
I saved his life.
And he saved my life!
75
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:31,919
We didn't have sex.
76
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,759
I mean we didn't-
We didn't even kiss.
77
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,679
But we've been texting
each other all week.
78
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,759
So who is he? Well, I
can't tell you that.
79
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,399
Is it Tom Cruise? Of
course it's not Tom Cruise!
80
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,119
He's English. (MUFFLED)
Is it Hugh Grant?
81
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,239
No it's not Hugh Grant. Fuck
it's not Simon Cowell, is it?
82
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,640
Stop guessing, I'm
not telling you.
83
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,039
He's staying in the
Merchant Hotel. Ooh-hoo!
84
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,439
Yeah, and I texted him saying,
85
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:57,079
"Oh I've always wanted to stay at the
Merchant," with a sexy winking emoji.
86
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,079
But he hasn't replied
and it's been three hours
87
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,999
and it's driving
me fucking mental!
88
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,439
Should I text him and tell
him I was only joking?
89
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,319
(SLURPING) Cause it's-I
don't want to scare him away.
90
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,919
Ack, you know what these
English fellas are like.
91
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,759
You have to be very
forward with them.
92
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,240
They're too polite.
(DOOR CLANGS OPEN)
93
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,280
Coming, Jason.
94
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,119
NDIDI: We've moved things
around. SEAMUS: Yeah.
95
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:28,119
- So, Nisha is up first. - Uh-huh.
- You have to go in hard. - OK.
96
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,839
NISHA: (VIDEO) I have people
coming up to me on the street
97
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,239
and they say, "I am 100%
behind you on this."
98
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:37,079
Fuck, she's really good. Do you
think you're ready for this?
99
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,199
I really think the public's
ahead of you on this one.
100
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,839
(HE SIGHS) It's... fine.
101
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:43,919
It'll be fine.
102
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,039
(DOOR DINGS) Woah, woah, woah!
There's no way I'm staying here.
103
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,679
This is my hotel. Oh,
it looks really nice.
104
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(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
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Sleep well.
106
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DRIVER: Here you go, mate.
107
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Thank you.
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(DOOR LOCK BEEPS, CLICKS)
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00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,360
(LAUGHS) Woo-hoo!
110
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,400
Seamus, Seamus, Seamus.
111
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,320
(CHUCKLING)
112
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(WHISTLES)
113
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,800
Ooh! Ha-ha!
114
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(SHOWER RUNNING)
115
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,080
(SEAMUS HUMMING)
116
00:05:55,240 --> 00:06:00,159
Yeah! Yeah, girl! Wacka,
wacka. Wacka, wacka...
117
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,399
Hiiii.
118
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,559
(HE SCREAMS) It's only me!
119
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,679
Jesus fucking Christ!
What are you doing here?
120
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,679
- Turn around!
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-(SHE SCREAMS)
121
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Close your eyes! I was
trying to surprise you!
122
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Surprise, surprise-
Go in the other room!
123
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,120
I'm sorry, I just-
124
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(HE SIGHS) I'm so sorry.
125
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,199
That was a big
misjudgement on my part.
126
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You nearly gave me a
fucking heart attack.
127
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:28,559
I thought maybe
you were shy. What?
128
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,879
I thought you were shy, because
you didn't reply to my text,
129
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:34,039
I thought you wanted something to happen,
but you were being all English about it-
130
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,759
Sorry, I-I didn't
reply to your text
131
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,599
so you thought you'd
break into my hotel room?
132
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,519
I didn't break in!
Attack me in the shower!
133
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,999
I didn't attack you in the
shower, I gave you a little wave!
134
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,359
Did you not see my
wee wave? It was-What?
135
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:48,319
If you didn't want me to come up, why did
you tell me what room you were staying in?
136
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,799
Well... because I wanted to brag
about staying in Room Number One!
137
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,519
I didn't expect you to show up! Why
care about the number of the room?
138
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,719
Because it's the Presidential Suite!
- Bill Clinton slept here! - What?
139
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,279
Look, anyway, how
did you get in?
140
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,279
Oh, the cleaner was leaving when
I arrived so I just-Jesus Christ!
141
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:04,359
Look, I'm sorry, I only
meant to knock on your door.
142
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I never intended to drink your
champagne and eat your chocolates.
143
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,280
You drank my champagne?
144
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,559
Only most of it.(HE SIGHS)
145
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:17,640
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
146
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,959
Wh-wh-where are
you going? Home.
147
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,119
Well, don't just go! You
don't seem happy to see me.
148
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,959
No, I am. (LIFT DINGS)
149
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,920
Look, do you want
to go for a drink?
150
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,680
Well, do you want
to get dressed?
151
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,639
(BAR CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
152
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:40,999
So why do you think you're
staying at the Presidential Suite?
153
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,999
Erm, hmm, because I am.
154
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,719
The Presidential Suite's in the
Europa, which is a different hotel.
155
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,802
No-It's not the Presidential
Suite. No, no, no, no, no.
156
00:07:48,827 --> 00:07:50,849
It's not the Presidential... - Oh, excuse me. Hi.
- Yes? - Hi.
157
00:07:50,874 --> 00:07:54,360
Erm, ahem, I'm staying
in Room 1. Yes, sir.
158
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Which is... Room 1.
159
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:03,639
Yes, er, but could you tell
this lady, the very important,
160
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,319
famous guest, who once stayed
there? She doesn't believe me.
161
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,279
Ah. Certainly, sir.
162
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:12,359
On his "One Last
Time" tour in 2004,
163
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:16,115
Barry Manilow did stay in Room 1.
But it was only for the one night.
164
00:08:16,140 --> 00:08:18,639
No, no, no. Not, not,
not Barry Manilow.
165
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:22,919
I meant, erm, you know,
erm, Bill Clinton.
166
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:23,999
I'm sorry.
167
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:28,279
No, I'm afraid President
Clinton never stayed here.
168
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,679
Perhaps you're, erm,
thinking of the Europa?
169
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,679
(SHE GIGGLES) Yeah,
perhaps, could be.
170
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,800
(SHE SLURPS) I should've
double-checked.
171
00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,239
My mind's been very taken up
with this extremely important
172
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,919
interview I've got tomorrow.
Hmm. Who's the interview with?
173
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- Nisha... Anand.
- Oh!
174
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,818
Am I supposed to know who that
is? She's the Foreign Secretary.
175
00:08:55,318 --> 00:08:56,855
Farm Secretary! What?
176
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,239
No, no. Not, not Farm Secretary.
177
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,039
Sorry, the-the
Foreign Secretary.
178
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:05,799
That's what I said, Farm Secretary.
No, no, foreign. Foreign.
179
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,439
- For-reign!
- Oh, Foreign. Foreign. Yes.
180
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,359
Foreign Secretary. Why
didn't you just say that?
181
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:13,639
Fuck off."I'm interviewing
the Farm, Foreign Secretary!"
182
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,439
Oh, is that supposed to be me? It's
what English people sound like.
183
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,839
Well, anyway, I'm not English,
I'm Irish.(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
184
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,599
What's funny about
that? I am Irish.
185
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,079
My name's Seamus O'Hannigan.
186
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,639
"My name's Seamus O'Hannigan.
Don't you know, old bean?"Fuck off!
187
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,560
(LAUGHING)
188
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,119
I can't imagine you being any
good at interviewing people.
189
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,919
Oh, well, thank you very much!
190
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,959
It's only, erm, what
I do for a living.
191
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,719
No, you're too self-absorbed.
192
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,919
Surely to do your job you have to
be like interested in other people?
193
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:43,599
I am interested in other people!
- Hey, I'm interested in you. - Bollocks.
194
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,279
You haven't asked me one single
question about myself since I sat down.
195
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,319
- You haven't asked me anything.
- I'm not interested in anything you have to say.
196
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,360
Well, fine, let's not talk then.
- Fine by me. - Fine.
197
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,200
(BAR CHATTER)
198
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,320
(SLOW SOFT MUSIC)
199
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,160
(SHE CHUCKLES)
200
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,759
I do actually have a
serious question for you.
201
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,279
Well, I actually have a serious - question for you too.
- You go first.
202
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:20,999
No, no, no. You go first.
I'll ask mine after-
203
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,040
Why do you want
to kill yourself?
204
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,840
Why didn't you tell me
you had a girlfriend?
205
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,079
I don't want to
answer that question.
206
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,120
But thank you for
saving my life.
207
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,639
Look, I'm... (CLEARS THROAT)
208
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,999
I'm sorry I didn't mention
I had a girlfriend.
209
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,279
I shouldn't have done that.
210
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:47,199
But look, we didn't
actually do anything, so-
211
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,080
So, what are we doing here now?
212
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,639
Er, well, erm, I like you.
213
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,479
I wanted to see you again.
214
00:10:55,480 --> 00:11:00,480
And, erm, I do-I do find
you extremely attractive.
215
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:05,399
Wow, what do you find
"extremely" attractive about me?
216
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,679
Pfft!
217
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:11,479
You-you want me to
spell it out? Yeah.
218
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:12,520
OK.
219
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,800
OK, erm...
220
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,359
Well, I like, erm, er...
221
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,279
Right, I like your
face. It's a nice face.
222
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,719
Erm, it's, erm, a
very regal, er, face.
223
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:32,559
Er, your-your brow, is as-
You got-You have eyes too-
224
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:37,919
Er, nice eyes-Is that it?
And-And your-your smile-
225
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,039
(EXAGGERATED ACCENT) - You like my smile?
- Yeah.
226
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,239
(NORMAL) You're not gonna
see me smiling much tonight
227
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,119
if that's the level of
compliment you're giving-
228
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,919
Alright, alright, alright,
alright. I-I-I like, erm-
229
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,399
I like that you
always tell the truth.
230
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:53,359
I like that you clearly don't give
a fuck what anyone thinks about you.
231
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,799
And I like how...
232
00:11:55,800 --> 00:12:00,520
you're just always
unapologetically you.
233
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:02,880
Janet.
234
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,799
Mm-hmm.
235
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,840
What?
236
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,279
What do you find
attractive about me
237
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,719
Who says I find anything about - you attractive?
- Oh, come on!
238
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,639
Name one thing that
you like about me.
239
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,960
Go on, one thing.
240
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,720
(HE CHUCKLES) Hmm...
241
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,320
Oh, dear.
242
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,680
(SHE SNIFFS, HE LAUGHS)
243
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,799
- Your nose.
- My nose? Yeah, you've a nice nose.
244
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,839
- Pfft!
- That's the only thing I like about you.
245
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:42,279
An inch bigger or smaller I-I
wouldn't be here right now.
246
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:43,320
(HE CHUCKLES)
247
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,240
(SOFT MUSIC)
248
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:02,520
So...
249
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,600
what do you want to do now?
250
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,400
I love my girlfriend.
251
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:14,760
(DISTANT APPLAUSE)
252
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,560
That's that, then.
253
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,599
Yeah. Yup.
254
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,599
I should probably go and do - some work.
- Um-hmm. I'm gonna go.
255
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,080
I'm gonna see if
they've got a taxi. Yep.
256
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,000
(SHE SIGHS)
257
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,000
(BAR CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
258
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,240
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
259
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,199
(Shit! Motherfucker!)
260
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,920
Can you just give me
a second? Thank you.
261
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:01,720
Thanks.
262
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,919
So, listen. I've just had this - crazy idea.
- Oh yeah? What's that?
263
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,960
- Let's have an affair.
- What?
264
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,959
- We can't, we just-We can't.
- Why, of course we can, of course we can.
265
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,439
- Why?
- People would get hurt! Who?
266
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,999
Well, my girlfriend for a start.
She wouldn't find out, Seamus.
267
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,719
That's why they call it an affair.
- You would get hurt. - I would get hurt?
268
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,959
By who, by you? Who do
you think you are, Seamus?
269
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,359
Do you think you're
so good at sex,
270
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,239
I'll be broken-hearted if
you take away the dick?
271
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,479
- Shush!
- I have a vibrator. You won't be missed.
272
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,719
Anyway I'm famous. It
would be national news.
273
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,679
(LAUGHING) National news?
274
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,079
I hate to break this to you,
mate, but, you're not that famous.
275
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:47,879
I am famous! Not
really famous.
276
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,040
I fucking am. I am famous!
277
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,400
So why is nobody looking at you?
278
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,279
They were looking at
me when I walked in.
279
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,839
They-They've got used
to me being here by now.
280
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,399
- Walk in again.
- What?
281
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:06,959
Walk from here to here and
see if anyone notices you.
282
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,359
No, I'm-I'm-I'm not making
a spectacle of myself.
283
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,959
It won't be a spectacle, cause
nobody'll be watching you.
284
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,000
Fine.
285
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,160
(ICE CUBES RATTLE)
286
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,400
(HE WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY)
287
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,840
(HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS)
288
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,280
(SHE SLURPS)
289
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,680
(SHE GIGGLES)
290
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,000
Ahem!
291
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,880
Hmm.
292
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,039
See? People were looking.
Nobody was looking.
293
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:48,039
They're posh. That's how posh
people respond to the presence
294
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,679
of a celebrity, with
studied disinterest.
295
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,239
Anyway, you were
looking at me, not them.
296
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,799
Let's try somewhere else.
297
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,719
(RESTAURANT CHATTER)
298
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,560
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
299
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:02,880
Zip! Shh!
300
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,120
(ROARS)
301
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,759
MAN: What the fuck's your
problem? Sorry, sorry.
302
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,440
(SHE LAUGHS)
303
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,040
(HE GRUNTS, SHE LAUGHS)
304
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,200
It's OK.
305
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,599
(SCREAMS) I'M SEAMUS O'HANNIGAN!
306
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,759
DOES NOBODY IN BELFAST
KNOW WHO I AM?!
307
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,000
WOMAN: FUCK OFF,
YOU ENGLISH PRICK!
308
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,000
Maybe I'm just
famous in Islington.
309
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,760
OK, let's have sex.(SHE COUGHS)
310
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,200
OK, then.
311
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,560
(GULPING)
312
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:20,119
OK, let's go.
313
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,840
(FAST MUSIC)
314
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,999
Seamus O'Hannigan?
Foreign Secretary!
315
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,879
Good evening! I, erm, didn't
know you were staying here.
316
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,839
I'm not. I'm just having dinner - with the Secretary of State.
- Oh.
317
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,479
I'm at the Europa.
Presidential Suite!
318
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,679
(JANET SCOFFS LOUDLY)
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
319
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,159
I... Hello!
320
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,760
I'm Nisha! Ooh.
321
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,160
Hello, I'm Janet. Hi.
322
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,999
- I'm his secretary.
- Assistant. Assistant.
323
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,559
Yeah, assistant.
Assistant, yeah.
324
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,519
So, ready to do battle
tomorrow, mister?
325
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,759
I'm a bit nervous. Go easy on
me! (CHUCKLES PRETENTIOUSLY)
326
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,679
Oh, it'll be fine. Is she the politician you're - interviewing tomorrow?
- Yeah.
327
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,559
Don't be nervous,
Nisha! He's nervous too!
328
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,319
What? I'm not nervous?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
329
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,559
Who said I was nervous? You
said it about ten minutes ago!
330
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,520
No, I didn't. I never said
that. No, no, no, no, no, no.
331
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,879
Where do I know your face from?
She's the Foreign Secretary.
332
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,479
Oh, my holy fuck! You were on - Celebrity Come Dine With Me!
- I was!
333
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,399
Jason Donovan hated
your lasagne! (LAUGHS)
334
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,959
You know what? a lot of the snobby
types in the party, and the media,
335
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:41,919
criticised me for doing reality
TV but I loved every second of it!
336
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,879
You were brilliant!
Aw, thank you, pet!
337
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,439
The look on your face when
Jedward handed you that pear flan!
338
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,439
The stories I could
tell you about Jedward!
339
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,359
Tell me, tell me, tell me!(LIFT
DINGS) Oh, we should get going.
340
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,959
Right, bye.
341
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,919
(PRESSES BUTTON REPEATEDLY)
342
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,079
(LIFT DOOR CLOSES)
343
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,320
- Now she is famous.
- She's a cunt!
344
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:06,960
I thought she was nice.
345
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,799
Why'd you have to tell
her I was nervous?
346
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,759
I hate her knowing that I'm nervous.
She said she was nervous, too.
347
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:19,719
Well, I know she's nervous
and she knows I'm nervous,
348
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,119
but now I know she
knows I'm nervous-
349
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,079
So, everybody's nervous and
everybody knows everybody's nervous.
350
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,840
What's the big deal? It
sabotages the dynamic.
351
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,039
I don't know what that means.
352
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,039
(LIFT DINGS) It's a media
term, you wouldn't understand.
353
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,720
(DOOR LOCK BEEPS, CLICKS)
354
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,479
Where are you going?
I'm going home.
355
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,359
I thought we were going
to-This isn't gonna work.
356
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,959
What-What's not going to
work? This, this, and this.
357
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,919
You think I'm beneath
you. No, I don't!
358
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,519
You think I'm
stupid. Oh my God!
359
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,639
Where-Where's this
coming from? No, I don't!
360
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,399
- I embarrassed you.
- When?
361
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,159
Just now in front of
the Farm Secretary.
362
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,719
Foreign-Foreign! Fucking
Foreign Secretary. Fuck!
363
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:05,680
Well, look it's-It's
just-(STAMMERS)
364
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:09,680
(HE SIGHS)
365
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,359
Seamus, we're completely
different people,
366
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,960
from completely different worlds.
- It shouldn't matter. - It does though.
367
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,720
(SHE CHUCKLES)
368
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,000
Ah well, big lad.
369
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,520
It wasn't meant to be.
370
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,040
How will you get home?
371
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,040
I'll get the bus.
372
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,479
Come on!
373
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,640
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
374
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,679
(TV PLAYING)
375
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:07,720
(SHE SIGHS)
376
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,040
(LIFT CLANGS, DINGS)
377
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,639
TV: "Does the minister
agree with Labour's plans
378
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,559
to work with the
British Business Bank
379
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,359
to support female families
achieve their ambitions?"
380
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,239
ALL: "Hear, hear."
381
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,319
"I have been hurt on here,
382
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,279
like in here, you kind
of get away with it..."
383
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,160
(TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
384
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,440
(COUPLE MOANING)
385
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:41,200
Ugh!
386
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,159
I said, "Ugh!"
387
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:49,359
I know, love. And it'd turn
your stomach, wouldn't it?
388
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:50,960
(COUPLE MOANING)
389
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,600
(UPLIFTING MUSIC)
390
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:22,640
(WHISTLE)
391
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,320
Fuck it!
392
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,520
DRIVER: Are you
getting on or what?
393
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,239
Where's the bus stop?
Left on the corner.
394
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:44,680
Thank you, thank you-
395
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,719
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
396
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,000
Fuck! Fuck!
397
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:54,480
Wait! Wait! Wait!
398
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,360
Uh, fuck!
399
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,359
Was that the bus for
the Newtownards Road?
400
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:05,200
Aye, you just missed
it, son. Ah, shit.
401
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:08,680
(HE SIGHS)
402
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,040
Huh?
403
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,000
(INDISTINCT STREET CHATTER)
404
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,520
You didn't get on the bus?
405
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:29,759
Might have.
406
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:30,959
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
407
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,479
Might have got off again.
408
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,719
I had a craving for an
ice cream and I thought,
409
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,559
"Fuck it, I'll get myself an ice
cream and then I'll go home."
410
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,320
Do you mind if I join you?
411
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:43,280
Um...
412
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,800
(STREET CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
413
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,879
You know, every time I've been to
Belfast, it's never places like this.
414
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,719
I'm always stood beside a
mural or stuck in a farmhouse
415
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,959
interviewing a terrorist.
416
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,600
I mean, this is lovely.
417
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,599
Well, that never used
to be a sushi bar.
418
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,360
They used to execute people - in there.
- Huh.
419
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,280
(SHE GASPS, HE GRUNTS)
420
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,319
Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.
421
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,759
(GROANING) I'm sorry.
Are-Are you OK?
422
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:52,479
What-what did you
do that for? Argh!
423
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:53,799
It was just instinct.
424
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,879
I'm not used to people
trying to kiss me.
425
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:59,200
I think my nose is broken.
Oh god! Let me see.(GROANS)
426
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,479
Let me see, let
me see. Oh fuck!
427
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:04,520
(HE SNIFFS)
428
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,120
There. No. Fine. It's still a-
429
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,359
Yup, still a lovely nose.
430
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:12,920
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
431
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,919
(VEHICLE APPROACHES)
432
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,160
WOMAN: Seamus?
433
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,719
Frankie?
434
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,480
(END CREDITS SONG PLAYING)
435
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:07,440
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