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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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_
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I've had two babies, you
see, if you're counting.
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I was 16, the first one.
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A boy from our street was the father,
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though that's a bloody grown-up
word for a boy that age.
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Of course, he couldn't marry me.
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He had an uncle who'd made
good in Cardiff as an undertaker
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and was going to train him up.
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Dad said, "Well, he can probably
be trusted with dead bodies."
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Mum didn't like that.
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I don't see the point in
coming up with a name for her.
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Dad asked the man at the Home & Colonial
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to take me on as I'd best earn a living.
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Mum said, "Men don't
like damaged goods."
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Well, they won't if you
call them damaged goods!
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I liked it at the shop.
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All the foods!
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After I'd had the baby...
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... Mum made me sit at the back
in church, away from the family,
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to show she was taking our
collective shame seriously.
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And that's where I met Michael.
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They were a bit posh, his family...
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well, compared to the
rest of the congregation,
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not posh compared to what I met
after, through Michael, you know.
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He was new at the church,
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a bit older, but he took to
sitting at the back with me
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so he could make jokes.
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Not to shock me. He
knew I was hardly a nun.
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Michael didn't believe in
God, but he liked the singing.
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I used to laugh at his singing.
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"Do I sing funny?" he asked.
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"No," I said, "you sing
lovely. That's what's funny."
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I says to him, "You
should be in the choir."
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But he said he liked sitting with me,
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and that you can't muck
about if you're in the choir.
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"Or," he said, "in the case of
this choir, sing in bloody tune."
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Two months after he first set eyes
on me, he asked me to marry him.
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I didn't see it coming.
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Not because of my... scandal.
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It just hadn't occurred.
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He was my pal.
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We had a laugh.
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And it was his little brother,
Charlie, I'd got me eye on.
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Charlie!
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He'd just started in the police,
and he had such thick dark hair,
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he always looked like he
hadn't shaved since yesterday.
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He's gone to seed now,
Charlie, like some men do.
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Dad said it was up to
me if I married Michael.
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00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,740
Mum said, "How soon can you do it?"
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I just thought...
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... well, Alice, it could be fun.
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It was his parents got us
the weekend in Brighton.
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We got in the hotel room, and
the curtains were shut tight,
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even though it was
broad daylight outside.
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"I think they're
dropping hints," I said.
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Michael seemed not to hear that,
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and he went and straightened
a picture on the wall.
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I sat on the bed,
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and there was a vase of little
flowers on the bedside table,
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so I took one out and I
put it between my lips,
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like I'm some sort of...
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Oh, I don't know!
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Only, cos of the dark,
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I hadn't realised the flowers
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were made of bloody
cloth, so I'm sat there,
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all demure, spitting fluff
and dust out of my mouth.
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He laughed at that.
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We both did.
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So I patted the bed
beside me, like this.
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But he didn't seem to...
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Well, I thought you were meant
to get straight to it, see.
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What with how people
bang on about honeymoons,
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with their winks and nudges.
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I say people... silly girls who
wouldn't know sex from tobogganing.
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Michael looks me up and down, like
he's taking me in, and he says,
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"That bedspread is the
same pattern as your dress."
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He goes to the window
and opens the curtains.
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It wasn't a sea view, but
he stands there anyway,
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peering outside with all the specks
of dust swarming round his head.
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He must be nervous, I thought.
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That'd be it. That's what I thought.
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Well, he'd probably not done it
before and, of course, he knew I had.
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So I said, "Come on, let's go out.
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Out the hotel, I mean."
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We had supper and went dancing at
one of the smarter ones on the front,
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which had palm trees and a band.
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He's a lovely mover, is Michael.
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When the band stopped,
we were both half-cut.
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Well, half is an understatement.
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So we stumbled back, fell
into bed and passed out.
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The second night, he said he felt sick.
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We lived with Helen and Jack at first...
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that's Michael's mum and dad.
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Oh, they treated me nice, but...
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... I looked forward to
him coming home of a night.
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I'd stopped working at
the Home & Colonial, see,
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cos Mr Barrett didn't think it
right for a married woman to stay on.
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Michael would come in, eight,
nine, even ten, sometimes.
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A bit of supper, a game of cards.
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He said he was funny about sex,
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what with his mum and dad
sleeping only in the next room.
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So...
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I'd lie there with him breathing
next to me, gentle enough,
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and his dad snoring like heavy
artillery from through the wall.
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Well, it was only for a few weeks.
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Now, when we got our flat, well...
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should have seen it... Mum's face.
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Helen and Jack had helped
us out, you see, so it was...
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You know?
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Michael got this young handyman
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he'd met in the pub to come round
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and put up a big new
mirror in our bedroom.
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He came round in the day
when Michael was at work.
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Nice-looking chap, he was.
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All strong in his rolled-up sleeves,
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and his shoulders when
he lifted the thing up!
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I had to stop myself saying something.
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He wouldn't stay for a cup of tea
after... he had more calls to make.
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00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:28,366
As he left, he stopped
in the door to bid me,
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"Good day, ma'am," and said,
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would I thank my nice husband for him?
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When he'd gone...
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... I stood looking in the mirror.
The room seemed twice the size.
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I took my clothes off.
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All of them. Don't know why.
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Curtains were open and everything.
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Dress and petticoat on the floor.
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Come on, Alice.
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Let's have a look at you.
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I can get fat, if I'm not careful.
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Fat on my hips and arms and on my neck,
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and it doesn't look nice on me,
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like with some women. Course,
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it was natural, with me
not being on my feet all day
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00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:15,860
in the shop no more, but...
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All I could think was...
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... well, I wouldn't fuck me.
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Well, it's easily solved, isn't it?
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You eat less.
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One night - this is
five, six months later -
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he comes home late, as ever,
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he's a few drinks inside him,
and he's got this new briefcase...
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proper shiny chestnut
job with gold fasteners.
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"A present," he says.
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"Did work give you that?"
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He says, "No. It was from a friend."
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"You've got nice friends," I said.
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"I have," he said, sort of proud
and sheepish at the same time.
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A few weeks later, it was cuff links.
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00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:07,407
He was pleased as punch with them
till he realised he didn't have
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00:08:07,410 --> 00:08:10,020
any of the right sort
of shirts with holes in.
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00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:13,820
When he came home the next
night, I was waiting for him.
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"Is it a woman bought
you those presents?"
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He shakes his head...
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... sits down on the
arm of the armchair,
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which his mum always
told him off for doing
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cos it puts the frame out of shape.
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"It's not a woman," he says.
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He puts his head in his hands.
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"It's not women."
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I knew right away what he meant.
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It was like the room shifted...
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... like when they cut to a
different angle in a film scene
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or like how everything
seems to settle different
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after you step off a carousel.
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So I go from feeling fat
to feeling bloody stupid.
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He looks more surprised
than me that he's said it.
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I tell him...
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"I can't be your wife, can I?"
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He looked surprised at that, too.
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Know what he said?
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"I'd miss you, Alice.
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I'd miss you."
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Next week, Helen invites me to lunch.
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Well, I can hardly say I'm busy.
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She gives me a hug
right there in the porch.
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00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:45,859
She's more, um...
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00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:49,099
Oh, what's the word? Er...
demonstrative than Mum is.
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00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,740
And you go along with it but,
this time, it's verging on assault.
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00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:55,939
She says, "We'll eat in the kitchen.
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It's less formal."
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Well, it's also the only room in
the house that's properly warm,
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00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:02,379
so it suits me well enough.
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On the table there's a bottle of wine.
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00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:07,379
"I know it's lunch, but I thought
we'd be naughty", she says.
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00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:10,779
"It's a good one, apparently,
so don't tell my husband."
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00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:14,179
Calm down, love! I wasn't
thinking to leave him a note.
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She's done us chops with cauliflower
cheese, which she knows I like.
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00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:20,060
"How's the flat?" "Nice, thank you."
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00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:24,337
Her napkin's fallen off her
lap onto the floor three times,
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00:10:24,338 --> 00:10:26,785
so she gives up on it, puts
it on the table instead,
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00:10:26,790 --> 00:10:28,300
clenched in her hand.
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00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:31,740
And then she comes out with it.
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00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,180
"You're having trouble," she says.
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00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,820
"Not me with the trouble," I say.
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00:10:38,780 --> 00:10:41,420
"We know how Michael is," she says.
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00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:43,460
"Oh."
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00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:46,459
It sounds stupid,
199
00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:48,802
but it is really bothering
me that the woman has somehow
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00:10:48,803 --> 00:10:51,495
got cheese sauce on her
wrist, and she hasn't noticed.
201
00:10:51,499 --> 00:10:54,739
And now I can't mention it
cos it's not quite the moment.
202
00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:57,539
"It doesn't mean he can't be a
good husband to you," she says.
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00:10:57,540 --> 00:11:02,419
"Better that than drink or
gambling or illness... or women."
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00:11:02,420 --> 00:11:05,019
Thing is, and this is God's own truth,
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00:11:05,020 --> 00:11:08,059
I don't give a monkey's what
he gets up to elsewhere, but...
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00:11:08,060 --> 00:11:10,699
Well, what I say to her
is, "If it was women,
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00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:13,060
at least he might show
me some interest, too."
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00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,540
Bugger it! I'm close
to crying, but I don't.
209
00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:20,059
She reaches out her hand to me
and, before she can touch me,
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00:11:20,060 --> 00:11:23,299
thank God she finally
notices the muck on her wrist.
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00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,259
"He's very fond of you," she says.
212
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:30,459
"And so are we." And then - this
is my mother-in-law - then she says,
213
00:11:30,460 --> 00:11:31,701
"If that's all that's missing,
214
00:11:31,702 --> 00:11:34,099
can't you just pretend
everything is normal?
215
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:36,259
And if you have needs occasionally,
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00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,740
I'm sure, if you're careful,
you can go elsewhere."
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00:11:41,580 --> 00:11:43,579
They'll look after me well, she says.
218
00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:45,659
I'll have a good life. She says
219
00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:48,419
I won't have forgotten how
his brother's a policeman.
220
00:11:48,420 --> 00:11:51,539
And it would all be very
difficult for him if word got out,
221
00:11:51,540 --> 00:11:53,695
and how surely, after my own mishap,
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00:11:53,696 --> 00:11:56,219
I, of all people, know how important
223
00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:57,980
it is to appear respectable.
224
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:03,099
I walk home... hour and a
half, even though the wind's up.
225
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:04,260
I can't face the Tube.
226
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:09,300
When Michael gets in - nearly
midnight, it is - he sees my face and...
227
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,940
... he looks like he's
just watched his own death.
228
00:12:14,260 --> 00:12:16,899
"I'm so sorry," he says.
229
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:18,260
"It wasn't my idea."
230
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:20,540
I just run at him...
231
00:12:21,620 --> 00:12:23,551
... hitting him in the
chest over and over and over
232
00:12:23,552 --> 00:12:25,180
until I crumple, and...
233
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:27,500
... and he holds me tight.
234
00:12:30,340 --> 00:12:33,420
"You got so bloody skinny," he says.
235
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:40,659
He asks, will I let him make me tea
236
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,810
and put me to bed and, in the morning,
237
00:12:42,811 --> 00:12:44,131
I can think what I want to do, and
238
00:12:44,140 --> 00:12:46,659
he will help me, whatever I decide?
239
00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:50,020
Well, I don't have anywhere else
to go... that I'd want to go.
240
00:12:53,220 --> 00:12:54,980
We don't say a word until I'm in bed.
241
00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:57,660
I'm shattered.
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00:12:59,380 --> 00:13:01,300
He gets in, too. I don't stop him.
243
00:13:03,140 --> 00:13:04,859
And then,
244
00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:08,460
in the dark and safe, with
my back to him, I say...
245
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:12,420
"It was your brother I always fancied."
246
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:15,739
He snorts into my neck.
247
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,500
"Yeah, you and half of London," he says.
248
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:27,019
He puts an arm round me, his
hand warm and flat on my tummy,
249
00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:28,180
like he sometimes does.
250
00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:31,900
A minute later...
251
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,340
... he's cupping my breast.
252
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,540
Usually, he stays well clear, but...
253
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:39,940
... no mistake.
254
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:42,940
Feels electric.
255
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:48,459
And he shuffles himself
up close behind me so...
256
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,460
I can feel that he's hard.
257
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:57,859
My heart's bloody pounding,
so loud I can hear it.
258
00:13:57,860 --> 00:13:59,579
I keep my eyes shut,
even though it's dark,
259
00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:02,379
and I can hear the clock
ticking from his side of the bed,
260
00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:04,379
slower than my heart's beating.
261
00:14:04,380 --> 00:14:05,620
Everything out of pace.
262
00:14:08,980 --> 00:14:10,020
But it's nice.
263
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:17,580
His hand slides back down
from my breast to my stomach...
264
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:20,420
... and further down...
265
00:14:21,620 --> 00:14:22,660
... till he finds me.
266
00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:26,100
And his mouth is hot on my neck.
267
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,740
I don't respond to any of it...
268
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:32,220
... until I do.
269
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:40,620
So, now we were what you'd
call properly husband and wife.
270
00:14:42,940 --> 00:14:43,980
A month later...
271
00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:48,260
... the doctor tells me I'm to
start feeding myself properly...
272
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:51,460
... and that I'm pregnant.
273
00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:59,100
That's Salim over there, just come in...
274
00:14:59,101 --> 00:15:02,300
the Arab-looking one, obviously.
275
00:15:04,020 --> 00:15:05,060
He's very charming.
276
00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:08,659
Not unflirtatious with me, either,
277
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:10,000
considering he usually walks in here
278
00:15:10,001 --> 00:15:12,759
with one man and leaves with another.
279
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:15,099
I'll say hello in a minute.
280
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:17,299
He'll ask what I'm
doing in here by myself.
281
00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:20,619
He's very direct, you see,
with his being foreign.
282
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,500
In here without Michael
is what he'll mean.
283
00:15:23,780 --> 00:15:25,459
Well, why not?
284
00:15:25,460 --> 00:15:28,739
It's as much my pub as
his these days, in a way,
285
00:15:28,740 --> 00:15:31,259
especially since Violet
moved out and that's...
286
00:15:31,260 --> 00:15:32,819
God, nearly ten years.
287
00:15:32,820 --> 00:15:33,860
Can you believe it?
288
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,340
Violet... that's our daughter.
289
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:42,139
When she was a couple of years old,
290
00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:45,419
I suggested to Michael he might
bring friends over more often,
291
00:15:45,420 --> 00:15:47,339
if he wanted.
292
00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:49,219
Friends or...
293
00:15:49,220 --> 00:15:50,260
You know.
294
00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:53,340
Better that than not seeing him.
295
00:15:54,980 --> 00:15:57,020
Better that than nights in without him.
296
00:15:59,380 --> 00:16:01,059
He was shy about it at first.
297
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,499
He'd always been very discreet.
298
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:03,540
Couldn't fault him.
299
00:16:04,780 --> 00:16:06,619
But we soon had men about.
300
00:16:06,620 --> 00:16:08,299
Still do.
301
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:12,939
They come over, one or more of
them, play cards, have a few drinks.
302
00:16:12,940 --> 00:16:14,819
He does very well for himself, Michael.
303
00:16:14,820 --> 00:16:16,700
He didn't go to seed,
like his brother, see.
304
00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:19,060
Don't know how he finds them.
305
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,740
Well, who cares?
306
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:26,031
I should go. I only came into town
307
00:16:26,032 --> 00:16:28,419
to buy theatre tickets for his birthday.
308
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,499
I know... fancy!
309
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,339
Me and him and Tony,
he's Michael's current...
310
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,220
friend. Been a few weeks now.
311
00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:39,780
Older than he usually goes
for, more settled, you know.
312
00:16:40,940 --> 00:16:43,019
Then Violet and her fella.
313
00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:45,939
Oh, and a couple we're friendly
with, George and Pierre.
314
00:16:45,940 --> 00:16:48,299
Pierre's not French... he's from Carlisle.
315
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:49,899
He said to me once, he said, "Alice,
316
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:52,939
me and George is just like any
other normal long-time couple.
317
00:16:52,940 --> 00:16:55,740
"We ain't had it off in years.
At least, not with each other!"
318
00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:01,060
Last Friday...
319
00:17:02,180 --> 00:17:06,740
... it was, in the afternoon,
when I found out it had become...
320
00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:13,180
How would you say it? An appropriate
subject for public discussion.
321
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,259
Tony came round, Michael's Tony.
322
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:18,139
He'd left his wallet at ours.
323
00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:19,080
Michael was at work.
324
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:23,221
And Tony puts a newspaper article
into my hands that he's cut out.
325
00:17:24,140 --> 00:17:25,780
"What do you make of this, Alice?
326
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:30,259
The report on homosexual offences."
327
00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:33,900
The headline's just three
words: Crime And Sin.
328
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:37,979
"Imagine that, Alice," he says.
329
00:17:37,980 --> 00:17:41,300
"Two men being allowed to
do what they like... legal.
330
00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:43,300
No pretending."
331
00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:46,260
And he goes.
332
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:53,780
But, you see, for Michael, it's
not like with George and Pierre.
333
00:17:54,980 --> 00:17:56,939
They CAN do what they like.
334
00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:59,539
George is an actor and
Pierre cuts ladies' hair.
335
00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:00,979
Michael's got a respectable job.
336
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:04,020
It's been nice for him having
a wife, having a family.
337
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:09,819
Anyway, even if things
were legal, normal, even,
338
00:18:09,820 --> 00:18:13,659
he wouldn't want to go off and
live all happy couples with a man.
339
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,740
Not at his age, not at our age.
340
00:18:18,380 --> 00:18:20,019
It wouldn't make him happier, would it?
341
00:18:20,020 --> 00:18:21,779
He's got all he needs.
342
00:18:21,780 --> 00:18:22,820
Always has.
343
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,340
Hasn't he?
344
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:31,299
Well, this was Friday, like I say,
345
00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:34,210
so it's cinema night
and we were going to see
346
00:18:34,211 --> 00:18:35,611
The Bridge Over The River Kwai.
347
00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:38,219
It was very good, actually,
it's our sort of film.
348
00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:39,632
We don't go for the romantic ones,
349
00:18:39,633 --> 00:18:42,340
though there's usually a bit of
that, isn't there, for the ladies?
350
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,820
And as we're knocking
back a quick supper...
351
00:18:46,940 --> 00:18:52,939
... I nearly ask him, what do you
think about this Wolfenden report thing?
352
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:53,980
Not cos I'm...
353
00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:59,459
Not because I'm worried, just interest.
354
00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:00,500
You know.
355
00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:03,499
But I don't say anything.
356
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,380
And we go to the pictures
and he holds my hand.
357
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:08,979
As we're walking home, about halfway,
358
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:11,140
without stopping or
looking at me or anything...
359
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,700
... he says, out of the blue...
360
00:19:16,660 --> 00:19:17,740
"I'd miss you, Alice."
361
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:27,600
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
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