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00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:04,936
♪ It seems todaythat all you see
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,273
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,743
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,980
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,317
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,469
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do
7
00:00:21,538 --> 00:00:23,154
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:30,245
♪ He's a Family Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:38,303
Thanks for driving me to the
library for story time, Brian.
11
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,483
Today we're reading
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
12
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:42,407
vs. The Human Centipede.
13
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,120
I heard it's like
Alien vs. Predator.
14
00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:45,788
With a little bit more
butt eating.
15
00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:48,113
That does sound fun,
but what if I took you
16
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:50,348
- to a different library today?
- What?
17
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:53,351
But I like my library.
I met Curious George there.
18
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,580
Mom said he was a puppet,
but she's stupid.
19
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:56,933
I'm just saying we should
go to the library
20
00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,490
at Quahog University
21
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,470
and take your education
to a higher level.
22
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:03,261
I guess I can try it. I mean,
I do want to get ahead.
23
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:04,474
I don't want to end up like Meg,
24
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,815
doing sad one-woman shows.
25
00:01:06,884 --> 00:01:10,685
♪ Oh, I love trash
26
00:01:10,754 --> 00:01:14,890
♪ Anything dirtyor dingy or dusty
27
00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:19,427
♪ Anything ragged or rottenor rusty
28
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:23,565
♪ Yes, I love trash. ♪
29
00:01:23,634 --> 00:01:25,244
Whose fault is this?
30
00:01:25,268 --> 00:01:27,013
You're wearing a
garbage bag as a cape.
31
00:01:27,037 --> 00:01:28,037
Who do you think?
32
00:01:28,104 --> 00:01:30,171
- Him?
- Shh. She's crushing it!
33
00:01:39,617 --> 00:01:41,884
Oh, yeah.
That's good library.
34
00:01:41,952 --> 00:01:43,563
Aw, you didn't come here for me.
35
00:01:43,587 --> 00:01:44,697
You came to be a creep.
36
00:01:44,721 --> 00:01:46,299
Whatever.
You go do your thing.
37
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,734
I'm gonna go watch that young
hotshot attorney over there
38
00:01:48,758 --> 00:01:50,837
who's clearly in the middle
of a movie montage.
39
00:02:02,722 --> 00:02:05,607
Oh! He found it.
He's gonna win the case.
40
00:02:08,078 --> 00:02:10,245
Oh, no. It was a '70s movie.
41
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,219
- So, who you reading?
- George Eliot.
42
00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:25,843
Ah, Georgie.
I'm a big fan.
43
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:27,323
- I think he, uh...
- She.
44
00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:29,581
She said it best
when she said...
45
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,150
"Bantam Press, 1851."
46
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:35,365
- Lumineers?
- What?
47
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:38,390
- Hmm?
- You just said "Lumineers"
with no context.
48
00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,325
Did I do that?
49
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:41,660
Ugh!
50
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,012
Tumblr?
51
00:02:46,950 --> 00:02:48,494
Wow, I've never seen someone go
52
00:02:48,518 --> 00:02:50,718
oh for six in 15 minutes before.
53
00:02:50,788 --> 00:02:53,889
Just hard rejection
after hard rejection.
54
00:02:56,443 --> 00:02:58,843
- What's going on over there?
- Looks like a student rally.
55
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,790
They probably forgot
to study for an exam,
56
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,147
so they organized a protest.
57
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,027
In the '90s, you'd
just pull a fire alarm...
58
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,350
now you hold a protest.
59
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:08,086
That is, when they're not
looking down at their phones.
60
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:13,875
Hey, what's going on?
61
00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:15,822
Someone wrote "weird"
on the transgender bathroom,
62
00:03:15,846 --> 00:03:17,824
and the school president
didn't overreact,
63
00:03:17,848 --> 00:03:19,614
so we want him fired!
64
00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:20,782
Seems reasonable.
65
00:03:20,851 --> 00:03:21,851
Exactly!
66
00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:23,351
Oh, I see news cameras.
67
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:27,622
I'm gonna yell "Viva la Stool"
like a young, white drunkard.
68
00:03:27,691 --> 00:03:29,502
And last week,
a professor told his class
69
00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:31,604
to have a nice day,
which is microaggression,
70
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,472
because in our systemic
rape culture
71
00:03:33,496 --> 00:03:34,829
no day is a nice day.
72
00:03:34,898 --> 00:03:36,698
So we want him fired, too.
73
00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:38,511
Hey, if you don't
want to get fired,
74
00:03:38,535 --> 00:03:40,346
- don't become a teacher,
right?
- Totally.
75
00:03:40,370 --> 00:03:42,704
You should tweet that.
#FireEveryone.
76
00:03:42,773 --> 00:03:44,172
Viva la Stool!
77
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,975
Well, I guess I could
fire up my account again.
78
00:03:47,043 --> 00:03:48,443
All right, open app.
79
00:03:48,512 --> 00:03:50,472
Got a bunch of those.
No biggie.
80
00:03:50,514 --> 00:03:51,613
Typing tweet.
81
00:03:51,682 --> 00:03:53,348
Blast off in three,
82
00:03:53,416 --> 00:03:54,816
two, one,
83
00:03:54,885 --> 00:03:56,585
and tweeted.
84
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:59,387
I am back in the game. See?
85
00:03:59,456 --> 00:04:00,722
Oop, you're gone.
86
00:04:00,790 --> 00:04:02,507
And the crowd is gone.
87
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,776
And the animators are gone.
88
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,127
Hey, Stewie, what do you think
about this tweet?
89
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,617
Oh, don't be that guy.
90
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,719
"Kelly Ripa no-shows at work."
91
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:17,589
Who does she think she is,
a Republican senator?
92
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,791
#G-O-P-U.
93
00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:22,194
Three references
in one tweet. I'm sweating.
94
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,074
I'll just add it
to my notes for later.
95
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,708
Why are you
getting into Twitter now?
96
00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:28,567
Unless you're an athlete
or a celebrity, no one cares.
97
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,368
A lot of people like my stuff.
98
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:33,138
Oh, yeah? Someone needs
to tell Donald Trump
99
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:34,372
it's not fashionable
100
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,553
to wear orange
on your face after Labor Day.
101
00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:38,343
#OompaTrumpa.
102
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,178
Zero retweets. Zero likes.
103
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,824
- Yeah, viral.
- You know, I don't care.
104
00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,526
You can't stop me.
Just like people
105
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:45,850
can't stop Peter
from ordering shepherd's pie.
106
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:47,747
And what can I get for you, sir?
107
00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:49,104
I'll have the shepherd's pie.
108
00:04:49,172 --> 00:04:51,050
I'm sorry, but that's
not on the menu.
109
00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:52,719
- Well, do you have potatoes?
- Yes.
110
00:04:52,743 --> 00:04:53,786
- Butter?
- Yes.
111
00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:54,854
- Cream?
- Yes.
112
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:55,922
- Salt?
- Yes.
113
00:04:55,946 --> 00:04:57,023
- Pepper?
- Yes.
114
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,091
- Garlic?
- Yes.
115
00:04:58,115 --> 00:04:59,192
- Onions?
- Yes.
116
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,292
- Lamb?
- Yes.
117
00:05:00,316 --> 00:05:01,393
- Carrots?
- Yes.
118
00:05:01,417 --> 00:05:02,461
- Eggs?
- Yes.
119
00:05:02,485 --> 00:05:03,529
- Flour?
- Yes.
120
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:04,597
- Rosemary?
- Yes.
121
00:05:04,621 --> 00:05:05,664
- Thyme?
- Yes.
122
00:05:05,688 --> 00:05:06,733
- Chicken broth?
- Yes.
123
00:05:06,757 --> 00:05:07,800
- Corn?
- Yes.
124
00:05:07,824 --> 00:05:08,868
- Peas?
- Yes.
125
00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:10,792
Lightsaber?
126
00:05:10,861 --> 00:05:13,161
Remember when we did Star Wars?
127
00:05:20,270 --> 00:05:21,681
Uhp, got another follower.
128
00:05:21,705 --> 00:05:25,340
Welcome to the team, Local
Jersey Mike's Coupons account.
129
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:27,529
I think it's cool, Brian,
I love Twitter.
130
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:30,045
Is it okay to unfollow
Roger Ebert now?
131
00:05:30,113 --> 00:05:31,357
You know,
I actually tweeted something
132
00:05:31,381 --> 00:05:32,647
about Roger Ebert once.
133
00:05:32,716 --> 00:05:34,460
Let's see, where is it?
Where is it?
134
00:05:34,484 --> 00:05:36,217
Um, oh, here... Oh, no.
135
00:05:36,286 --> 00:05:37,452
That one's about Ted Cruz.
136
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,288
Skewered.
Let's see, where is it?
137
00:05:40,357 --> 00:05:42,507
We're aquiver with anticipation.
138
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:44,487
Ah, here it is,
it's pretty good.
139
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,144
"We lost a good one today.
140
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:48,013
"R.I.P. Roger Ebert.
141
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,581
Hashtag #thumbsdowntocancer."
142
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,251
That sucks, right?
143
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,828
Better get a tweet out before
I go dark for a few hours.
144
00:06:04,381 --> 00:06:06,948
About to see
the new Kevin Hart movie.
145
00:06:07,017 --> 00:06:09,684
Just kidding.
I'm white and went to college.
146
00:06:09,753 --> 00:06:11,436
#BaywatchMovie.
147
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:36,728
♪ Some people standin the darkness
148
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:40,665
♪ Afraid to stepinto the light
149
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:44,702
♪ Some people needto have somebody
150
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:48,039
♪ When the edgeof surrender's in sight
151
00:06:48,107 --> 00:06:51,142
♪ Don't you worry
152
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,611
♪ It's gonna be all right
153
00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:58,616
♪ 'Cause I'm always ready
154
00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:01,886
♪ I won't let youout of my sight ♪
155
00:07:12,916 --> 00:07:14,627
Wow, I haven't seen
that much camel toe
156
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,151
since the Arab Spring.
157
00:07:16,219 --> 00:07:17,752
#ThinkinglnTweets.
158
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,224
Nah.
159
00:07:22,292 --> 00:07:24,893
Hey, are you @dogbackwards
from Twitter?
160
00:07:24,962 --> 00:07:26,594
I am. Are you a fan?
161
00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,196
You racist jerk!
162
00:07:28,265 --> 00:07:30,765
I hope you get
foot-and-mouth disease!
163
00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:31,954
What the hell was that?
164
00:07:33,252 --> 00:07:35,132
Uh-oh.
165
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,492
Wow, you are blowing up!
166
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:43,094
Blowing up bad.
167
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,508
Ah, look at that...
Huffington Post
just picked it up.
168
00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:46,764
Buckle up, buddy.
169
00:07:51,488 --> 00:07:53,648
- There he is!
- Where? I'm in the back.
170
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,400
Hey, how was Baywatch?
I want to see that bad.
171
00:08:05,468 --> 00:08:07,347
What were you thinking,
writing that tweet?
172
00:08:07,371 --> 00:08:08,803
What? It was just a joke.
173
00:08:08,872 --> 00:08:11,639
Brian, it's not 2005.
You can't just go online
174
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,241
and say whatever you want.
175
00:08:13,310 --> 00:08:15,521
Yeah, remember how mad people
got when DiGiorno tweeted
176
00:08:15,545 --> 00:08:17,078
about domestic violence?
177
00:08:17,147 --> 00:08:19,307
And they're not even a guy.
They're pizza.
178
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:21,177
All right, all right,
I'll delete the tweet.
179
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,034
You haven't deleted it yet?
180
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,983
What a train wreck!
181
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,758
There. Done. Done.
See? It's done. It's gone.
182
00:08:29,826 --> 00:08:31,993
What about all those
people outside?
183
00:08:32,062 --> 00:08:33,239
They'll see that I deleted it,
184
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:34,991
and it'll all blow over.
Trust me.
185
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,481
I hope so, but you never know.
186
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:39,668
They're still pretty mad at me
down at Dick's Sporting Goods.
187
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:41,614
Um, what's the name
of this place?
188
00:08:41,638 --> 00:08:43,104
Dick's.
189
00:08:43,173 --> 00:08:45,373
And what's that say
on your shirt?
190
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,275
Dick's.
191
00:08:47,343 --> 00:08:49,911
Can I have two balls
and a helmet?
192
00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:51,891
Hey, you're the guy
from the phone.
193
00:08:53,183 --> 00:08:54,415
Start the car, Chris!
194
00:08:54,484 --> 00:08:56,444
- Did you get him, Dad?
- We got him!
195
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,974
Hey, Sid.
Happy Mango Monday.
196
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,342
Hmm.
197
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,912
Hmm. Those nighttime
information technology classes
198
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,213
must really be getting to Sid.
199
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,182
- Hey, Curt.
- Hmm.
200
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:13,051
Curt? Come on, it's me,
201
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:14,886
Lunchtime Lois.
202
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,287
Gil, help me out here.
203
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:17,572
Hmm.
204
00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:20,074
Gil, no!
Uh, what about Barbara?
205
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,223
Is she back there?
She can clear this up.
206
00:09:22,278 --> 00:09:23,645
Let me talk to Barbara.
207
00:09:23,713 --> 00:09:25,257
She doesn't want
to talk to you, either.
208
00:09:25,281 --> 00:09:26,614
Nobody does...
209
00:09:26,683 --> 00:09:28,494
not as long as you're
living with that racist dog.
210
00:09:28,518 --> 00:09:31,869
Oh, come on!
It was just a bad joke.
211
00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:33,137
Where's Stanley?
212
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,984
He'll vouch for me.
Let me talk to Stanley.
213
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,725
Or Henry. Somebody
help me out here.
214
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,661
- Chip?
- Hmm!
215
00:09:39,729 --> 00:09:41,157
- Karen?
- Hmm!
216
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,691
- JJ?
- Hmm.
217
00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:44,275
- Angela?
- Hmm.
218
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:45,528
- Tito?
- Hmm!
219
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,552
- Larry?
- Hmm!
220
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:49,298
You can't freeze me out
like this.
221
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,056
We're on a first-name basis!
222
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,058
They're on our name tags, Lois.
223
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,543
But I don't even have to look!
224
00:09:55,612 --> 00:09:59,047
I don't even have to look!
225
00:10:05,155 --> 00:10:07,500
Hey, how come no one told me
we were going to the Clam?
226
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:08,890
Hey, Jerome, give me a beer.
227
00:10:08,958 --> 00:10:11,159
Oh, why? 'Cause I'm, like,
your slave?
228
00:10:11,228 --> 00:10:13,761
Man, you're no better
than your racist dog.
229
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:17,132
Come on, man.
Brian was just making a joke.
230
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,367
I told you about Brian.
I told you.
231
00:10:19,436 --> 00:10:21,069
Come on, he deleted his tweet.
232
00:10:21,137 --> 00:10:24,238
But the hurt has been RT'd
in our hearts.
233
00:10:24,307 --> 00:10:25,717
Peter, you better get out
of here
234
00:10:25,741 --> 00:10:27,781
before I start
saying "sir" like a cop.
235
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,355
- Come on, Joe, I...
- Sir? Sir?
236
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:30,945
You've been asked to leave.
237
00:10:31,014 --> 00:10:32,892
- Joe, it's me, Peter. I...
- Sir.
238
00:10:32,916 --> 00:10:34,956
I don't want to have
to ask you again.
239
00:10:35,018 --> 00:10:36,628
- Please leave.
- All right, fine.
240
00:10:36,652 --> 00:10:38,097
- Sir!
- No, Joe, Joe.
241
00:10:38,121 --> 00:10:39,165
- He's leaving.
- Sir!
242
00:10:39,189 --> 00:10:40,366
- Joe, Joe...
- Sir!
243
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,467
- He's gone.
- Sir.
244
00:10:41,491 --> 00:10:42,935
- It's okay.
- Sir.
245
00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:43,959
He's gone.
246
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,893
Your dog wrote
an insensitive tweet.
247
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:56,104
You can't eat here.
248
00:10:56,172 --> 00:10:58,372
Uh-oh, Meg.
It's a sensitivity mob.
249
00:10:58,441 --> 00:10:59,858
It was just a joke.
250
00:10:59,926 --> 00:11:02,038
There's no such thing
as jokes any more.
251
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,062
Yeah, we live
in a post-joke world.
252
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,208
Chris, maybe we should
just eat outside.
253
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,449
No, Meg, we're eating here.
254
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,201
I'd like to see you try.
255
00:11:27,204 --> 00:11:32,223
♪ I can't change
256
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:37,027
♪ Lord, I can't change
257
00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:42,233
♪ Won't you fly high
258
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:45,536
♪ Free bird, yeah ♪
259
00:12:34,470 --> 00:12:37,171
It was a joke.
260
00:12:45,581 --> 00:12:47,359
Can you put on the Canucks game?
261
00:12:47,383 --> 00:12:48,583
No, go away.
262
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,652
Loser.
263
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,498
This is getting out of control.
264
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,366
We can't leave the house
without getting harassed.
265
00:12:54,390 --> 00:12:56,502
Yeah, yesterday I went outside
to try to get the mail
266
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:57,825
and I had a seizure.
267
00:12:57,894 --> 00:12:59,705
That may not
be protester-related,
268
00:12:59,729 --> 00:13:01,896
but still, you got
to do something, Brian.
269
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,142
What do you want me to do?
270
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:05,194
I deleted my Twitter
account, my Instagram,
271
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,417
Facebook, everything.
272
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,181
People still won't leave
me alone.
273
00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:09,770
You have to apologize.
274
00:13:09,839 --> 00:13:11,539
Go outside, do it now.
275
00:13:11,608 --> 00:13:14,108
Tell them that it was a
mistake and how sorry you are
276
00:13:14,177 --> 00:13:15,754
and maybe they'll get off
our backs.
277
00:13:15,778 --> 00:13:17,311
Maybe you're right.
278
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,714
I got to face them
and hope they'll forgive me.
279
00:13:22,919 --> 00:13:25,220
Hello.
280
00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:27,622
As you all know,
I'm Brian Griffin.
281
00:13:27,691 --> 00:13:29,090
Boo.
282
00:13:29,158 --> 00:13:31,559
Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
283
00:13:31,628 --> 00:13:33,060
I want to read a few words...
284
00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:34,440
Boo. Liar.
285
00:13:34,464 --> 00:13:37,332
Boo, Brian Griffin, boo.
286
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,666
Anyway, I want to...
287
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,613
Boo. Apologize somewhere else.
288
00:13:40,637 --> 00:13:44,522
Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.
289
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:47,458
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm here today to apologize...
290
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,238
Why did you say "ladies" first?
291
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,461
That's sexist.
292
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,408
It's just, it's just
a standard greeting.
293
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:55,133
Let me start over.
Gentlemen and ladies...
294
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:56,512
Ooh, says the man.
295
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:59,737
Okay, sorry, I...
Um, humans in the audience...
296
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:01,717
I identify as a basketball.
297
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,207
Humans and basketballs...
298
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,620
I'm a parrot who mimics words
299
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,110
but doesn't comprehend them.
300
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,413
Humans, basketballs,
talking parrots,
301
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,292
and whatever else
is out there...
302
00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:12,261
"Whatever"? It's whoever.
303
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,196
Actually, it's whomever.
304
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:15,881
No one likes you, Mary.
305
00:14:15,905 --> 00:14:18,284
All right, all right,
just calm down, okay?
306
00:14:18,308 --> 00:14:20,051
Now you're tone policing us!
307
00:14:20,075 --> 00:14:21,520
That makes me uncomfortable.
308
00:14:21,544 --> 00:14:24,144
Anything that makes me
uncomfortable in 2017
309
00:14:24,213 --> 00:14:25,480
should be illegal.
310
00:14:25,548 --> 00:14:28,349
You know what? Fuck you.
311
00:14:28,418 --> 00:14:30,952
I'm not a racist, all right?
I just told a bad joke.
312
00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:32,219
There's a huge difference.
313
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:33,966
But nobody on the Internet
ever takes the time
314
00:14:33,990 --> 00:14:36,357
to ask themselves, "Is this
worth freaking out over?"
315
00:14:36,426 --> 00:14:39,060
Or, "Are there bigger problems
in the world than this tweet?"
316
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,627
Well, I assure you, there are.
317
00:14:40,696 --> 00:14:43,164
And just for the record,
I love black people.
318
00:14:43,232 --> 00:14:45,032
I watch tons of black porn.
319
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:46,778
So, what do you all want
from me, huh?
320
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,169
You want to ruin my life?
321
00:14:48,237 --> 00:14:49,815
Then congratulations.
You did it.
322
00:14:49,839 --> 00:14:51,072
Everybody hates me.
323
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,018
I can't leave the house
without getting harassed.
324
00:14:53,042 --> 00:14:54,175
No one will hire me.
325
00:14:54,243 --> 00:14:55,554
That was a problem before.
326
00:14:55,578 --> 00:14:57,911
I can't turn on my phone
without strangers telling me
327
00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:00,326
to kill myself or that
they're gonna kill my family.
328
00:15:00,350 --> 00:15:01,665
Leave me alone!
329
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,235
I'm the self-righteous,
liberal douchebag, not you!
330
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,248
I've kissed
a transsexual before!
331
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:07,512
How many of you can say that?!
332
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:08,906
Where's my fucking medal?
333
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,308
I am so far left,
334
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,543
I'm spinning
in circles, you shit-heads!
335
00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:15,512
Instead of killing myself,
I should kill all of you!
336
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,081
I'd like to see you try.
337
00:15:27,643 --> 00:15:29,810
Ow! Jeez.
338
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,833
Well, we started the dialogue.
339
00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:38,435
You screamed "black porn"
at the top of your lungs
340
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,082
in front of women and children.
341
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,456
I am not the person those
people out there say I am.
342
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,587
I know that, but you
also haven't done much
343
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,077
to prove that you aren't.
344
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,861
I know, I know.
345
00:15:47,930 --> 00:15:49,363
All I have left is you guys.
346
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,515
Thank God you have my back.
347
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:53,495
- We think you should move out.
- What?
348
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:56,398
Oh! Brian, listen,
we love you,
349
00:15:56,422 --> 00:15:58,433
but they're throwing
things at our house.
350
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,858
We've got to keep
our family safe.
351
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,960
I'm sorry.
It's for the best.
352
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:05,096
Are you serious?
You're okay with this?
353
00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:07,632
Does this slow pan
across our disapproving faces
354
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,150
answer your question?
355
00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:21,012
I saw Baywatch.
356
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,747
That thing was frickin' rad.
357
00:16:29,723 --> 00:16:31,600
I still think
this is a drastic measure.
358
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:32,890
Yeah, I messed up,
359
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,670
but what about all the stupid
things Peter's done?
360
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,505
He's never been kicked out
and his life...
361
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,095
My life is not the issue here.
362
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,363
Peter, calm down.
363
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:40,842
Did you eat breakfast
this morning?
364
00:16:40,866 --> 00:16:42,633
I had a banana and a coffee.
365
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,301
Why am I so fat?
366
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:47,472
I'm sorry, Brian, but this
is the way it has to be.
367
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,740
All right, then.
368
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,925
I guess this is good-bye.
369
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,784
Brian, wait.
370
00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:04,728
This collar is ours.
It has our address on it.
371
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:06,424
Peace, dude.
372
00:17:14,884 --> 00:17:16,284
All right, radio, time for you
373
00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:18,252
to tell me what this all means.
374
00:17:18,321 --> 00:17:20,354
♪ I got a pocketfull of quarters
375
00:17:20,423 --> 00:17:23,090
♪ And I'm headedto the arcade
376
00:17:25,061 --> 00:17:26,894
♪ I don't have a lot of money
377
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:29,530
♪ But I'm bringingev'rything I made
378
00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:33,645
♪ I've got a calluson my finger
379
00:17:33,669 --> 00:17:36,304
♪ And my shoulder'shurting, too
380
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,507
♪ I'm gonna eat them all up
381
00:17:40,576 --> 00:17:43,410
♪ Just as soonas they turn blue
382
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,748
♪ 'Cause I've gotPac-Man fever
383
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,516
♪ Pac-Man fever
384
00:17:49,585 --> 00:17:51,118
♪ It's driving me crazy
385
00:17:51,187 --> 00:17:52,353
♪ Driving me crazy
386
00:17:52,421 --> 00:17:54,355
♪ I've got Pac-Man fever
387
00:17:54,423 --> 00:17:56,068
♪ Pac-Man fever
388
00:17:56,092 --> 00:17:57,391
♪ I'm going out of my mind ♪
389
00:18:13,159 --> 00:18:15,104
Hey. Are you here
for the Time magazines
390
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:16,538
with some of the letters
cut out?
391
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,195
Uh, no, I... no, I saw
392
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:19,842
that you
have an apartment for rent.
393
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:20,914
Okay.
394
00:18:20,983 --> 00:18:22,983
Here. Apartment 23.
395
00:18:23,052 --> 00:18:24,318
Oh, okay.
396
00:18:24,387 --> 00:18:27,555
I just have one rule here.
No kissing the mailman.
397
00:18:27,623 --> 00:18:29,167
I don't think that's
gonna be a problem.
398
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,592
You haven't seen him,
so don't say that yet.
399
00:18:31,661 --> 00:18:33,361
Mail's here.
400
00:18:33,429 --> 00:18:34,462
Wow.
401
00:19:24,714 --> 00:19:26,391
If I have
other items I want to buy,
402
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:28,359
uh, can I buy them here
at the pharmacy window?
403
00:19:28,383 --> 00:19:29,661
Yes.
404
00:19:29,685 --> 00:19:31,763
Ruth?
Yeah, bring it over here.
405
00:19:31,787 --> 00:19:33,087
We can buy them over here.
406
00:19:33,155 --> 00:19:34,321
Where are you?
407
00:19:34,389 --> 00:19:35,601
By the pharmacy.
408
00:19:35,625 --> 00:19:38,826
Hang on,
I'm picking out sunscreen.
409
00:19:38,894 --> 00:19:40,438
Sir, do you mind
if I go ahead of you?
410
00:19:40,462 --> 00:19:42,596
Uh, yes, I do mind.
411
00:19:42,665 --> 00:19:47,835
♪ This time I have reallylead myself astray
412
00:19:54,376 --> 00:19:58,312
♪ Wrong wayon a one-way track
413
00:19:58,380 --> 00:20:02,382
♪ Seems like I should begetting somewhere
414
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:06,187
♪ Somehow I'm neitherhere nor there ♪
415
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,307
Six dollars?
416
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:15,145
Hey, did you knock over
a few bottles in aisle seven?
417
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,947
Uh, yeah.
418
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:20,785
Okay.
419
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,238
Patricia?
420
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,827
Where's the big nail clipper?
421
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:31,940
PATRICIA I don't know.
422
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,375
Did you get rid of it?
423
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:34,609
Why would I get rid
of the big nail clipper?
424
00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:36,378
'Cause you're a bitch,
425
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,113
that's why.
426
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:40,577
Nice. Yeah, now I'm
gonna tell you where it is.
427
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,617
I knew you knew
where it was, you liar.
428
00:20:42,641 --> 00:20:43,774
Tell me where it is!
429
00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:45,420
No. Find it yourself.
430
00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:46,889
Oh, okay. Fine.
431
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,013
How about I hide
something of yours? Huh?
432
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,425
Put that back!
433
00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:52,950
No, tell me
where the big nail clipper is!
434
00:21:02,779 --> 00:21:04,094
Boom.
435
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:06,147
Damn it.
436
00:21:06,215 --> 00:21:08,494
Why can't you use
the little nail clipper?
437
00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:09,995
I want the big one, okay?
438
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:12,059
And I don't want you
using it any more!
439
00:21:12,121 --> 00:21:13,399
Shut up, little man!
440
00:21:13,423 --> 00:21:14,533
You shut up!
441
00:21:14,557 --> 00:21:16,323
Where'd you put it, you liar?!
442
00:21:25,068 --> 00:21:26,845
- $900.
- "L."
443
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:28,613
- "R."
- Aw.
444
00:21:28,637 --> 00:21:30,004
Two "R" s.
31649
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