All language subtitles for The.Family.Pile.S01E06

Looks like we've been robbed.

Except we paid them
to take it all away.

Oh, they even took the kettle!
That had been there longer than me.

What's this? What's this over here?

Nothing to box up!
Oh, and over here?

HE GASPS
Nothing for the bin.

Excuse me while I squeeze past
this big load of bugger all to do.

Yes!

Ha-ha!

Free at last!

I don't know.

I'm gonna go and say goodbye
to the bog.

I doubt there's any paper, lad.

You'll be lucky
if they've left the seat.

No, honestly,
gonna go and say goodbye to him.

Been a good friend
over the past 12 years.

Hey! Hey, hey!

Morning, Nic.
You got that kettle on?

There isn't a kettle.
What are you doing here?

What? Right now?

Wishing I was a bit more
appropriately dressed.

Makes two of us.
But why are you here at all?

Well...

seeing as me and...
MUTTERS: ..Ursula have "'plit"...

it really didn't seem appropriate
to still share a bed.

Or even worth it,
considering there wouldn't be any

"'issing" or "'ucking".
Or even just a "'ow 'ob".

Austin, you're gonna
have pronounce some of the words,

otherwise we're none the wiser.

Well, what he's trying to say
is that

since him and Auntie Ursh split,

there's no need for them
to keep sharing a bedroom

cos there wouldn't have been any...

I know why you
didn't finish it now.

Hey, buddy!
I know what you're thinking.

You're wondering, will I still
be your uncle after the divorce?

And technically, no,

so I'm not obliged
to make any wild promises.

But we'll see how it pans out.

CLICKS TONGUE

Thanks.

So, I suppose I should ask you
how you're coping.

You don't seriously think
it's permanent, do you?

Surely she's just working stuff out.

Yes - how to live her life
without you.

Now, I daresay the others
will be along soon.

Last day, and all that,

they'll want to say goodbye
to the place.

So you're still not talking?
Sad to see the sisters so divided.

Yeah, and whose fault's that?

So just grab yourself a shower
and make yourself scarce.

You do know
I regret all this, right?

Oh...

Forgot to bring shower gel.

Oh, and a... a towel.

I might be a while.

Ugh!

In you go, Pop-Pop.
Go and play with the...

..the carpets?

You OK, babe?

Yeah.

I think I mind it a bit less
like this, without all the stuff.

Well, to be fair,
their taste was in their arse.

The memories it provoked.

You all right there, Con?

Just saying goodbye to all the doors
and windows.

Oh, fair dos, lad, yeah.

I do sometimes worry
that all the acid

I took in my teens has somehow
worked its way into his system.

Oh, here she is.

What family secrets are you
keeping from us this week, Nic?

Stu join the Taliban,

or is Ray running a secret
meth lab from his shed?

What was I supposed to do, Gay?
Fill me in on the goss.

Yeah, sorry, I should have
thrown Vetty under the bus

and broken Ursula's heart. It was
the push Ursh needed. And Austin.

I don't think they were ever
really suited, you know.

I thought that
the day they got married.

I said,
but no-one would listen to me

cos I was just the flower girl.

I was hoping you'd come round
to make friends again.

Well, keep hoping.
Right, so that's it?

After today, we all go home
and then we never patch things up?

No, don't be daft, Nic.
You're still Poppy's auntie,

so we'll need you
for babysitting and that.

Oh, here she is, my princess!

Where are you off to,
you silly-billy?

Where's my Poppy?

Daddy's gonna get you! You'd better
be quick up them stairs...

Aw, he's great with her, isn't he?

Now.

I've been so distracted,
they've had time to bond.

She does tend to come back swearing
like a docker. I've had words.

Are we OK?

We're all right.

Nudging up to OK.

If you keep me up to speed on all
the shenanigans... we'll be fine.

Sick! Is what Connor might say.

Hiya!

She's a different story.

You got that kettle on, Nic?

If you're looking for Austin,
he's having a shower,

and Christ,
am I tempted to run that hot tap.

Austin's here?
Oh, surprise me. You didn't know.

Look, when it comes to a choice
between my sister

and a passionate, experimental fling
that pushed boundaries

I never knew...
Well, my sister still wins.

Has our Ray forgiven you yet?

Well, we're not speaking properly,
but he's sending me GIFs.

God, Viola Davis
pulls some judgy faces.

Well, if you want to make amends,
you can start by cleaning the house.

What do you mean, clean?

When you wipe away all the dirt
and dust and things like that.

It's the buyers' dirt now,
or it will be from tomorrow.

Oh, God.

What now?

They've only gone
and left the kids' climbing frame

and all the garden furniture.
I said the whole house!

But not the garden.
Did it need spelling out?

While you clean, Nic,
I'm gonna go out there,

I'm gonna see what I can do
about this bloody garden furniture!

Did they leave the cushions on, Stu?

Oh!

Just leaving the front door open,
eh?

Now there's nothing left to nick.

Ursh. We didn't expect to see you.

The last day in our family house?
You thought I'd swerve it? No.

Thought you might be trying to avoid
Vetty. I can handle her.

It's you who should be
keeping a low profile.

You knew she was blowing Austin
every chance she could get.

She didn't go into specifics.

Yeah, well, you were still
bezzying up with her.

Whatever she did,
she still lost Mum and Dad.

Well, she had my husband.

Who, I should warn you,
is upstairs having a shower.

What?

I thought he was in our guest room.
He camped out here last night.

I think he was hoping
you might miss him.

I didn't even notice.

What a pointless flounce
that was, eh?

So, how have you been...
since the split?

Top of the world.
Can't recommend it enough.

I think me and Stu are fine.
Have you put the kettle on?

CAMERA CLICKS

Babe, I might take
Poppy for a play outside.

She's bored shitless
roaming round in here.

Well, don't let her
mess up that dress.

I wanna take some pictures
of her later

saying bye-bye
to Nanny and Grampy's house.

Hey, you've missed a trick there.

You should have had her posing,
sat on the coffin (!)

I don't want her to forget them.

Well, would it be really the worst
thing in the world if she does?

Come on, babe, she's four.
She's been round here every week

watching the people
that matter to her the most...

and Austin, all sighing and crying
and sighing again.

She must think yous
have all sprung a leak.

Well, her mother's an empath.

Chances are she is, too.
I'm sure she'll understand.

Babe, let's start taking her
places again, yeah?

Remind her what fun's really like.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Babe, did I just cross the line
there?

Come on.

Where is the line?
Cos I'm thick, you know.

No, you're right.

Mum and Dad would want her
to be happy.

Is it, yeah?

Cos I just thought it was me
knocking these vapes in on the head.

You know, the nicotine withdrawal.

But I still want a picture of her
in that frock. She looks too cute.

Sound.

I'll try not to get her
covered in shite, yeah?

Hm.
Come here.

Oh, sorry. Just...

..here to hug the door.

No, you're fine. Just reminiscing.

There used to be a mural
on that wall...

of Satan eating a live rabbit.

Why?
Oh, I used to be a Goth.

Erm... Auntie Ursula?

Hm?
You know if I ask you something,

you'll tell me if it's out of line,
won't you?

How long have I been your auntie?

Yeah, OK, course you will.

Erm, how come that
you and Uncle Austin

ever got married, even though...

Hm. ..yous don't really
seem to like each other?

That's a fair question.

Your mum had just got engaged to
your dad, and I'm quite competitive,

and whenever I'd go out on the town
with your Auntie Vetty,

cos we were mates once,

there your Uncle Austin would be,
sniffing around.

He always claimed
it was a coincidence,

but I knew what his game was.

In the end, I was like,
"Yeah, OK, then. Come on."

Lucky it wasn't Auntie Vetty
he was after!

Awkward.

But he'd have said, wouldn't he?

No-one persists
with a 20-year marriage

on the basis of a misunderstanding.
Do they?

I'm 12.

I'm just gonna...

Ow.

Oh, shit.

God!

Yvette.
Don't start, Ursula, please.

Oh, are you just waiting
to use the lav?

Straightaway, you just assume
I'm on the bounce.

You do have form.

I did shag your husband.

True.

What if I nicked him off you first?

I never had him to nick.
Didn't you?

It was the pair of us
he chased round every pub in town.

Well... We just assumed he was
after me cos I was the fittest.

SHE SCOFFS

No.

He would have said.

That's 20 years of all our lives.

Oh, I know.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry.
I'm glad you can see the funny side.

Ten years' time,
I might be able to do the same.

Look, I just wanted to say
that now I'm done with Austin,

you can have him.

SHE SIGHS
You should be used to my cast-offs.

I don't think I want him now.

If he's the type to cheat
on his wife... You are unbelievable.

Ursh!

What's it gonna take
for you to forgive me?

Crack. Some sort of cerebral bleed.

But seeing as though it's the last
day in our parents' house,

I am prepared to call
a brief, tepid truce.

I knew we'd come through this
closer than ever.

Come here. I'll come to you.

Are you drying your hands
on my back?

A bit.

Where am I putting these?
Anywhere.

Not...
SHE SCOFFS

Aw, does that mean yous two
are talking again?

Back off, Nic.

Mum and Dad loved this place
so much. Yeah.

Where are we gonna go now,
to still feel connected to them?

The grave?

Where are we gonna go
that doesn't feel haunted?

I'm not gonna go to the grave.

Mum and Dad didn't go
to their parents'.

Mind you, Dad's was in Jamaica.

They went to Elvis Presley's.
I'll go there.

I can't believe
we're never coming back here.

Come on, let's keep busy.

Course I can help.

Anything for the family.

It is my area of expertise.

Kids' playgrounds?
I am an architect.

I thought he had something
to do with space.

Not to get too technical -
we could just muller the thing.

What's he still doing here?

He's the only one
who can dismantle this.

We're hoping. Yeah, well,
when he's done, he can get off.

Back to our guest bedroom?

Let's just crack on, shall we, eh?

So, erm, when's the next
big family shindig?

What makes you think
you'd be invited?

Look, Ursula,
I know it might be awkward

when I start rocking up
with my new girlfriend,

but we're really gonna have to be
adult about this.

You don't let the grass grow.
Well, I haven't found her yet.

I mean, I only just
downloaded Tinder last night.

But I mean when I do.
Well, when you do,

I think your new girlfriend
might want you to start

going to HER family parties.
Well, I might not like her family.

Didn't know you were
that keen on us. Ha!

You do have to grit your teeth.

Er...
PHONE RINGS

I need to take this.

Gaynor...

you lot are my family.

You're the only ones that have made
me feel welcome. Do you reckon?

No. Go us for making it
seem that way.

I suppose we could all
meet up individually.

I mean, that wouldn't be
out of order.

But we don't have to feel obliged,
do we?

Yeah, but we were all
really good mates once.

Do you know what? Do what you like.

The pair of you, do what you like.

HE SCREAMS

CONNOR: Is Dad all right?
Dad, are you all right?

What's his problem?

So, that was Lammers and Mead,
the estate agents.

There's been a teensy-weensy
setback on the sale.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
No.

The snivelly pair of... They sat
there, slurping our Douwe Egberts,

snaffling our biscuits, "Ooh,
this'll make a lovely family home,"

when anyone can see
it's suffered years of neglect!

Will you just let me
tell you the whole story?

That's the problem with this family.

It's just talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk.

Nobody fucking listens...
GREG: 'Ey!

Watch your potty mouth, you.

There's a little girl down there.

Nah, fuck it, she's fine.
Crack on.

The problem isn't Hasim and Nadiya.

It's further down the chain.
Twats.

Apparently, they had a survey

and discovered a false wall
with three human skulls behind it.

THEY ALL GASP

Yes, yeah, and a pelvis,
some femurs, an assortment of ribs.

I think they said
there was an arse bone.

CONNOR LAUGHS

The news sites are calling it
"the bungalow of horrors".

Jesus Christ.

See, I would have called it
"bone-galow of horrors".

Oh, eh, look, piccies here.

Oh!
Ee!

To be fair,
Mum would have loved that story.

She would.
'Scuse me. Dad.

Yeah. This means we get to keep
the house, then, right?

No, son. I'm sorry, mate.

OK.

Build up your hopes and then
they dash them back down!

Argh!

HE GRUNTS

Oh, I'll let Raymond know.

What it does mean is
we're all stuck in limbo

while the police
look into the dental records.

I keep telling myself that
Mum and Dad are watching over us,

making everything OK,
but they can't be, can they?

Cos it's just setback
after setback.

Well, if she'd put the offer in
when she had the chance,

kept it in the family...
PHONE CHIMES

Oh, Raymond!

Aw! He says he's relieved we get
to keep it that little bit longer.

Oh, this means we're talking again!

I could probably stay on...
look after the old place.

Get a blow-up bed,
have the Wi-Fi switched back on.

What part of getting divorced
do you not understand, Austin?

I still need somewhere
to call a home.

Yeah. But not my home, you dick.

She doesn't mean that.

SHE SOBS

Nic, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come here. Hey, hey, hey.

I know it means we're lumbered
with your family even longer, but...

if you damage this sign,
we are liable.

Today was supposed to be
the end of it all.

I know, when we could finally
shut the door on all their nonsense

and fuck the lot of them off
for good.

Is that how you felt
about Mum and Dad?

No.

Reggie and Sandra
were completely different.

The mum and dad I never had.

Your mum and dad are still alive.

Yeah, they're the mum and dad
that I do have, more's the pity.

Well, these are the sisters
I have...

..and they need to know that
wherever we are,

..my door is always open.

What do you mean?

Oh, no.

Nicole.

Aw. I'm glad you can see it was all
your Uncle Austin's fault.

No.

Well, that's what I'm hearing.

Anyway...

RAY: 'Love you.'
I love you, too.

Yeah. Bye. Bye-bye.

So, I've crunched the numbers
and it shouldn't be a problem.

Me and Austin have to sell our house
cos of the split,

so I can buy this place
and keep it in the family.

Oh, Ursh, you don't wanna do that.

Well, yeah, I do, so I'm doing it.

You defo don't wanna
give up your sea view.

I couldn't give a shit
about my sea view.

Well, you can't.

Raymond's been on,
he's offered to chip in with me.

We're buying the place.

Yay!

Oh, I see.

So you've nicked my husband, and now
you wanna nick my fucking house.

If you're worried
I'll be too embarrassed

about that Austin business
to have you over, don't be.

I won't be. Mi casa es tu casa.

Er, no. Tu casa es mi...
Why are we speaking fucking Spanish?

If anyone is gonna be buying
this house, it'll be me.

This is the best news ever!
Oh, bagsy our Ray's room.

Connor's room now!

And why would that be?

Well, we're doing what
yous all wanted from the off.

We're buying this place.

Gregory, have you heard this?

Nicole and Stu wanna buy the house.
What?

Are you taking the pi...?

I know, I know, it makes
the last few weeks clearing

a total waste of time, but...
Well, it was all tat.

We can do a proper makeover.
Whoa, whoa,

hold your horses there, Nic.

What if you don't
have your offer accepted?

Well, you're the ones
who are accepting it.

Not now we're putting an offer in.
What?

Your house is a decent size already.

We've only got that
tiny little terrace.

Yeah,
with seagull Luftwaffes circling.

But when the option came
for either one of us to buy it,

you said you were 40 grand short.
Oh, we were.

But now we've got a mystery backer,
you know.

Austin says there's no strings
attached. Sorry?

Austin's coming on board on this?

Erm, I just want to help out
my niece.

You know how important
family is to me.

I'm your sister-in-law.

I'm already having
second thoughts about this. What?

We are buying this house,
and that's that.

All right, then,
let's let Ursula settle this.

Who do you think should bail us out
and buy this house?

Should it be me and Stu,

who you all pestered to do it
in the first place?

Or should it be this consortium
of Gaynor, Gregory,

and - oh, look - Austin?

Are you fucking kidding me?
Yeah.

None of yous. I'm gonna buy it.

Then I get to say who comes through
that front door,

and I won't have to spend Crimbo

with my two-faced sisters
or my cheating ex-husband.

Or I could buy it.

Oh, God.
Is she for real?

With a little help from Raymond.
Then everybody's welcome.

I think we need to up the offer.

Can we do that?
Shit!

Come on, Raymond.

Oh, that's the game we're playing?

Come on, Raymond.
GAYNOR: Oh, yeah, that's the game.

And you can forget about buying in
with Raymond.

Do I need to say I told you so?

GAYNOR: We put an offer in,
it's ours! No.

The ungrateful bastards.

Thank you, house...

..for keeping our family together.

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