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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,400 [电影片头曲] 2 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,320 [风声] 3 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,240 [庄严的音乐] 4 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,480 [雷鸣] 5 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,160 [雨声] 6 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:49,880 [电击声] 7 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:51,760 [闪电声] 8 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,120 [庄严的音乐继续] 9 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,240 [飘渺壮丽的音乐] 10 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,680 [众仙]参见玉帝… 11 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,600 众卿家大发雷霆 所为何事？ 12 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:44,680 王母 你先讲 13 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,400 玉帝 降龙罗汉 14 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,120 把我那棵蟠桃树上的蟠桃 15 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,800 全都偷去给牛郎的牛吃了 16 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,040 [灶神]还不止呢 17 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,240 他还串通那些喜鹊 天天架起鹊桥 18 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:54,920 让牛郎织女幽会 糗大了 19 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,560 已经生下一堆孩子了 20 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,760 玉帝 向来凡间男女关系 21 00:02:58,840 --> 00:02:59,960 一向由我来掌管 22 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,440 谁知他来到这里乱搞一通 23 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:02,840 搞得皇帝要去追野鸡 24 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,160 堂堂一个公主要跟乞丐私奔 25 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,680 我才说了他两句 26 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,000 他就偷了我的哮天犬 煮了吃了 27 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,320 你又是什么人啊？ 28 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,000 在下二郎神 29 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:13,320 玉帝 我这只眼 30 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:14,760 也是被那王八蛋给弄瞎的 31 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,760 这只也是哮天犬的替身 32 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:18,760 [狗喘气声] 33 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,800 国有国法 天有天条 34 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,400 这个降龙目无王法 35 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:23,760 我希望玉帝批准我揍他 36 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,160 财神你也不必这么冲动 37 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,000 这些都是小事 38 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,960 他偷了我的生死簿 改得一塌糊涂 39 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,320 凡间已经十八年没死过人 40 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,480 弄得那些仵作都没事做 41 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:33,760 还出了个五六百岁的人魔 42 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,280 玉帝 你不摆平这个混蛋 43 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,800 我阎王一定告到九重天 小事化大 44 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,120 来人哪 替我抓降龙上殿 45 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:41,080 [玉帝下属]是 46 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,480 [伏虎]喂… 47 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,960 不要这么用劲嘛 48 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,600 我正在睡午觉 49 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,680 怎么 大家都来了 各位 50 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,280 [众仙]你又不是降龙 你是伏虎 51 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,840 都一样嘛 降龙伏虎都一样嘛 52 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:57,880 -[玉帝]伏虎 -是 玉帝 53 00:03:58,240 --> 00:03:59,760 没你的事你干嘛上来？ 54 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,240 我是代表降龙来跟大家道歉的 55 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,360 你这么讲义气 难道你也有份？ 56 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,160 不关我的事 57 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,800 [降龙]神仙就了不起了？ 58 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,320 [哼] 59 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,280 伏虎 你真是管家婆 60 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,400 不过你还挺讲义气的 我心领了 61 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:35,600 谢谢… 62 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,320 照这个情形看起来 随便认错就算了 63 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:39,640 随便认错就想走？ 64 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,240 [二人同时] 我们俩兄弟聊天 哪里轮到你插嘴？ 65 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,360 你这个灶君 66 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,800 每逢年尾就想在下面捡便宜 67 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:45,800 人家不给你 68 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,120 -你就到上面来说人家不是 插他 -插他 69 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,960 喂 刚刚才插完好痛 现在又要插？ 70 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,720 小小一个罗汉 什么事情你都要管 71 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,280 岂有此理 你偷吃我的蟠桃 赔回来 72 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:56,280 [降龙]王母 73 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,120 -让人家吃一点也没关系吧 -什么？ 74 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,400 -每年生日 吃蟠桃也该吃腻了吧 -什么？ 75 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:01,840 -今年换换口味吃香蕉好了 -[王母惊讶声] 76 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,120 [哮天犬吠叫] 77 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,800 干嘛？不服气就冲我来 78 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,000 不要叫你的狗在那边乱吠 79 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,560 别以为换一只斑点狗我就不敢吃 80 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,320 我照吃不误 到哪一个了？ 81 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,440 -到哪一个了？就你好了 -[惊恐声] 82 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,960 你这个月老 仗着几根破烂红绳 没事就胡牵乱扯 83 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,960 就好像梁山伯与祝英台 84 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,880 为什么不肯把他们拴在一起？ 85 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,800 搞得他们扑坟吐血 86 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,240 他哪里对不起你？ 87 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,520 我说你老了 没事就退休吧 88 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:31,080 不然将来牵错了红绳 弄得男跟男 女跟女 89 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,880 再弄下去 人跟猪 蟑螂配牛了 90 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,520 最惨的还是莲藕跟石头 91 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,720 -[降龙]插他 -[伏虎]插他 92 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:38,480 [阎王] 人家年纪不小了 不要欺负他 93 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:39,680 你想管闲事吗？阎罗王 94 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,120 -插他 -唉 95 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,200 不要碰面就插 我们是讲道理的 96 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,120 [伏虎嘟囔] 97 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,320 为什么凡间有个女子 98 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:46,400 连生了十六个女儿 99 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,440 就不肯给她一个儿子？为什么？ 100 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:53,040 搞得那个女的终于想不开跳海自尽 101 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:58,080 到了下面 他还说她是枉死的 102 00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,080 [伏虎惊诧一声] 103 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:03,520 把她丢到油锅里炸得跟麻花似的 104 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:04,760 [大哭声] 105 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,120 你说天理何在？ 106 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,080 降龙… 107 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,320 昏过去也没有用 108 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,920 凡人的命运早已经成定数 并无不妥 109 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,960 由不得你在这儿无理取闹 110 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,160 我只是照例执行 111 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,440 玉帝… 112 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,280 何谓照例执行？谁订的例？ 113 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,920 谁说一定是对的？ 114 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:23,720 常言道天外有天 115 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:24,960 玉帝 你定的例 116 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:26,880 要是让九重天的菩萨给听见了 117 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,720 只怕会是白痴兼笑话 118 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:29,920 太过分了 119 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:31,640 玉帝 各位仙友 120 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,640 本人觉得降龙罗汉实在太嚣张了 121 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,440 我财神为了顾全大局 122 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:37,680 请玉帝批准我跟他单挑 123 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:41,000 [众仙大笑] 124 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,800 笑死人了 你打得过他吗？ [嘲笑声] 125 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:45,720 我要跟他单挑… 126 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,560 我要跟他拼了 我不会放过他的 127 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:48,720 吓死我了 128 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,120 [玉帝]听着 就算天条有什么不对 129 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,000 总有一条可以定你们的罪 130 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,560 押他们到凡间去 131 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,400 一个做猪 一个做狗 132 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,520 十世不得轮回 133 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,000 且慢 134 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,760 -什么事？ -你说做就做呀？ 135 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:02,800 就是我说了算 136 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,040 -我说你做蟑螂 你怎么说？ -[伏虎偷笑声] 137 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,480 [玉帝嫌弃地大怒声] 138 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,800 押他们下去 139 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,280 -[降龙]什么？ -[伏虎]慢着 别乱来 140 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:10,480 [雷声] 141 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,160 [众仙]参见大士 142 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:54,040 [观音]玉帝 我们每一位成仙至今 143 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,920 少说也有个万二八千年的 144 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:02,560 世情种种 凡间一切在我们来说 145 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,320 是遥远而微不足道的 146 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,000 今日被降龙罗汉这么一闹 147 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,120 或者是一个机缘 148 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,760 为什么不藉这个机缘 149 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,000 来了解一下凡人 150 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:15,880 是不是仍然那么愚昧无知 151 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,080 抑或有所进步呢？ 152 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,240 听观音大士说话真是好听 153 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,240 舒服… 154 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,960 大士 这小子以替人家打抱不平为借口 155 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,320 以下犯上 156 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,000 你不要乱说话 阎罗王 157 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,520 大士自有分寸 158 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,600 降龙 你做了这么多的事情 159 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,200 目的何在？ 160 00:08:32,919 --> 00:08:35,760 我只是想让这一班高高在上的神仙 161 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,280 能够真真正正的体验一下凡人 162 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,320 因为这些凡人只有几十年的命 163 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,720 不要因为做错一两件事就翻不了身 164 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,320 因为小弟我相信 165 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,720 无论他们是多么的笨 多么的无知 166 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,880 怎么凶 怎么该死也好 167 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,000 始终都是… 168 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,200 是这个… 169 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:59,160 -[众仙]都是什么啊 -[王母]快说呀 170 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,960 是这个… 171 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,080 [观音]都是人间有情 172 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:06,760 是不是 降龙？ 173 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,360 是呀 就是这样 174 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:10,720 [王母]不如这样 175 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:11,880 亲自下凡间去体验一下 176 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,400 由你开始 好不好啊 177 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,360 怕你呀 我正有此意 178 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:16,480 那你拿什么证明呢？ 179 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,640 我们已经选了三个人 180 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,080 这三个人的命运已经注定了 181 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,920 一个做九世乞丐 182 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,680 一个做九世野鸡 183 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,600 一个做九世恶人 184 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,760 降龙 如果你能够改变这三个人命运的话 185 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,240 就算你赢 186 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:32,920 你说我们神仙都这么坏 187 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,760 好 你就用凡人的身份下去 188 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,320 不准用法力 [奸笑] 189 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,320 -不用法力？ -[观音]不用法力也是对的 190 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,240 降龙 就用你的诚意去感化他们 191 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,640 好 我保证不会让你失望 192 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:45,400 你等我 193 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,400 我就给你三天的时间 194 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,760 谢谢 不过两天半就够了 195 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,200 [南天门神]哼 你不一定要听 196 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,640 但是今天我所说的一切 197 00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,120 将来如果你不照着做 198 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,200 就不要妄想重返天庭 199 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,480 第一 除非你有公文批准 200 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,400 否则不能擅自进入天庭 201 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,800 第二 你不可以带任何的法力下去 202 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,480 [滑稽音效] 203 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,880 -[伏虎]阿龙 阿龙一路顺风 -[击掌声] 204 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:14,920 彼此彼此 205 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,160 好兄弟呀 206 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,880 好兄弟 还有什么话跟我说？ 207 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,160 你死定了 你打也不会打 208 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,560 法力也不准用 你到下面去死定了 209 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:23,840 -谢谢 -不用客气 210 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,240 [观音]降龙 你不会死的 211 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,880 你在凡间轮回的时候 212 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,640 留下了一个金身 213 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,560 只要找到金身合而为一 214 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,400 就可以保住肉身不灭 215 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:34,920 可以穿梭阴阳间 216 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,720 也要靠它才能够返回天庭 217 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,400 实在太好了 218 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,560 [观音]这次的旅程险阻重重 219 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,800 送你一把心想事成扇 220 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,760 这把扇每天只能够用三次 221 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,840 每用一次就会出现一道裂痕 222 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:51,040 三次之后就要等第二天日出 223 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,400 裂痕自动消失方可再用 224 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,840 -一天三次 太可怜了 -总比没有好 225 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,880 这把扇不能改变生死 226 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,840 不能改变人心意愿 227 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,640 只不过是一些障眼法 228 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,760 不过凡人往往会迷惑于眼前的事物 229 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,200 所以足够你应付的 230 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,200 谢谢大士 231 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:14,400 凡事小心 切记千万不要堕入邪道 232 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,720 我知道了 233 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,000 大士摆明是帮你 234 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,320 -没有这把扇子你就糟糕了 -是呀… 235 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:21,360 -下去吧 -[降龙][坠落惨叫] 236 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,520 喂…降龙 237 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,560 你是不是存心整他 他扇子还没拿 238 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:28,840 你就这样子把他踢下去了 239 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,600 [南天门神]玉帝规定是这个时辰 240 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,000 喂 什么玉帝规定？ 241 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,600 我问你 你是干什么的你？ 242 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:37,840 你在这里干什么？ 243 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:38,880 换班 244 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,880 -那好 跟我一道把扇子送给降龙 -喂… 245 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:41,800 你没有谕令 246 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:42,800 到了下面你又没有法力 247 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:43,960 凡人根本看不见你 248 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,920 所以才让你跟我一块下去 249 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,160 这里除了玉帝之外 250 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,120 只有你一个人可以随便出入 251 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,400 不行 犯天条的 252 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,360 犯什么天条 去一次嘛 253 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,560 -很快就回来的 走 -我不去 254 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,080 降龙煮哮天神犬那天 你也吃了 255 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,040 王母娘娘的蟠桃你咬了两口 256 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,800 九天玄女的两个婢女洗澡那天 257 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,400 你这个王八蛋 偷窥 258 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:10,960 别嚷嚷… 259 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:11,960 你是不是犯贱？ 260 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,720 一定要把你的糗事翻出来 你才肯就范 261 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:14,680 早去早回 262 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:15,880 怕了吧？ 263 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,400 我怕你 我怕你可以了吧 264 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,560 [寺院住持]左右两边是十八罗汉 265 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,160 降龙伏虎在这一边 266 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:34,320 至于求子…就要拜观音大士 267 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,600 [李茂春妻]大慈大悲观世音菩萨 268 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,920 求你保佑我生下麟儿 269 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,560 希望大士真的显灵 要不然的话… 270 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,080 过了今年我可就四十岁了 271 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,240 我李茂春任节度使多年 272 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,320 自问为官清廉 问心无愧 273 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,120 子嗣不需要太强求 274 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,800 就是因为你一清如水 光明磊落 275 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,560 上天没理由要我们李家绝后 276 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,320 大师 277 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,560 大师 278 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,400 左右两边是十八罗汉 [突然清醒啊一声] 279 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,240 降龙伏虎在这一边 如果求子… 280 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:12,840 大师 你刚才已经说过了 281 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:13,840 再见… 282 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:14,880 我们还没拜神呢 283 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,440 拜神… 284 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:25,960 [塑像飞起的神奇音效] 285 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,360 [被吓的叫声] 286 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,440 哦 287 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:34,840 降龙罗汉 288 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,800 大师 我们想… 289 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,680 我记得 要儿子嘛 290 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,160 [哼哼地笑] 291 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:42,880 没问题 292 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,760 [李茂春妻] 怎么会怀了十八个月还生不下来 293 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,160 [李茂春]夫人 用不着这么担心 294 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,160 老爷、夫人 你们看 295 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:52,240 在哪儿摘的？ 296 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:53,360 就在那边摘的 297 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:54,720 [众人开心地笑] 298 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,800 [李茂春妻]老爷 怎么会这样呢？ 299 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,080 [众奴仆]老爷 夫人 300 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,960 以前显贵诞生就会有灵芝异象出现 301 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:02,920 但是现在这么看起来的话 302 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,360 我们这位未出世的少爷一定是贵人 303 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,080 现在弄得满屋子都是冬菇 304 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,400 夫人 这孩子… 305 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,640 你自己跟他说吧 他就快要出来了 306 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,880 -恭喜老爷 夫人生了 -男的还是女的？ 307 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,560 是少爷 恭喜老爷 308 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:21,560 [众仆人]恭喜老爷 309 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:22,680 [开心的笑声] 310 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,040 [两人钻出坛子透气声] 311 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:25,960 [吐东西声] 312 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,360 怎么会掉到这里来？ 313 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:28,320 这是什么地方？ 314 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,480 [麒麟怪]大街 315 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,640 大街？去你妈的大街 316 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,720 我叫你带我去降龙投胎那个地方 317 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,160 多走几条街就到了嘛 318 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,480 这样也会降落错地方 319 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:37,760 谁叫你刚才晃来晃去的 320 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,440 [李茂春妻]儿子究竟上哪儿去了？ 321 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:40,400 -[李茂春]我也不知道 -[开门声] 322 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,840 [老者]他为人真好 323 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,120 [多人呻吟] 324 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,400 他妈的 那家馆子吃完了之后 325 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,080 每一个人都拉肚子 326 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,640 就是嘛 327 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,120 [老者]麻烦一下 茅房借用一下 328 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,240 十万火急 329 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:54,800 我们只有两间茅房 请便吧 330 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,800 -[老者]忍无可忍了 -[少妇]有没有风度啊 331 00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,560 -[少妇]他们俩跑得还真快 -[老妇]我快憋不住了 332 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:00,520 [突然出现的滑稽音效] 333 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,400 是这里吧？降龙… 334 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:03,480 [伏虎]嘿 335 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,760 老兄 我等你好久了 336 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,000 不关我的事 337 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,000 是麒麟怪带着我东跑西跑的 338 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,680 别说那么多了 快点拿回你的扇子 339 00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,000 [降龙]我叫你买两只蟋蟀 你怎么去这么久？ 340 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,240 我挑选了两只最能打的 341 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,160 打死它 342 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,600 阿龙 糟糕 他根本看不见我 343 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,480 他已经是个凡人了 你想跟他接触 344 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:21,840 就要投胎转世变成肉身 345 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,880 他已经长这么大 投胎也来不及了 346 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,480 上面一天 凡间就十年 347 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:26,840 但是别怕 我会把你吹大的 348 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:27,760 吹大？ 349 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,760 不过你会失去法力 350 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,320 就算变成了凡人也会是个白痴 351 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,880 变成白痴跟他接触也没用了 352 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,160 你不明白的 当乌云盖月的时候 353 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,560 上面的监视是最弱的 354 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:40,040 到时候你再静悄悄的取回法力 [偷笑] 355 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,120 干嘛声音这么小？ 356 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,520 这里没有人听到我们说话 357 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,240 [伏虎]孕妇 358 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,280 就这个好了 我上这一个 359 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:47,200 动作快一点 360 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,320 [呻吟] 361 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,720 我来投胎了 362 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,000 好舒服 该你了… 363 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,600 啊？来了 364 00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:01,480 不要走开 老太婆也认了 365 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:02,840 这是怎么回事？ 366 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,800 [老者]真舒服 367 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,760 啊？你的肚子… 368 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,720 [麒麟怪][笑声] 369 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,600 糟糕 扇子忘了 快… 370 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,400 [婴儿啼哭] 371 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,880 -[年轻男子]生了… -[老人笑] 372 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,400 原来要生孩子 373 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,400 我们快点去准备一下 帮帮他们 374 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,880 [沉重的音乐] 375 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,160 老婆 是男的还是女的？ 376 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,040 -生了一把扇子 -[年轻男子][大叫] 377 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,880 啊！ 378 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:36,240 [惊讶大叫] 379 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,880 我生了 生了个儿子 380 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,520 [李茂春妻]生下来了是吧？ 381 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,240 来…快点把这个肚兜给围上 382 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:49,160 这个肚兜是我修缘小时候穿过的 383 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,560 [众人尴尬无奈害怕声] 384 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:53,200 -现在给他穿上就刚刚好了 -[李茂春]嗯 385 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,440 来…我来把你吹大 386 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,680 [吹气声][滑稽音效] 387 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,400 [众人惊愕声] 388 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:01,840 再吹一下 389 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:02,880 -[吹气声] -[滑稽音效] 390 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,960 [众人][惊愕叫声] 391 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,520 -[吹气声] -[滑稽音效] 392 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:08,680 搞定了 393 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,079 [众人]快走 [惊叫声] 394 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,920 [众人]妖怪呀… 395 00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:20,200 [仆人]这个人会不会是妖怪？ 396 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,880 妖什么怪？他会变戏法 397 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,920 -你会不会变戏法？ -[伏虎哭闹声] 398 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,400 -老爷 我去报官 -[伏虎][哭闹声] 399 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:26,440 报什么官 我不就是官吗？ 400 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,920 是呀 还是把他留下来好了 401 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,640 你看看他 长得多逗人 应该很好带的 402 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,400 说不定他们将来会回来 403 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:34,720 再把孩子带回去的嘛 404 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,960 [众人]孩子？ 405 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,560 [伏虎][哭闹声] 406 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,760 打打… 407 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,000 [李修缘]你究竟是何方神圣 快说 408 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,240 你一定会变戏法 快点教我 409 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,640 [伏虎]奶奶… 410 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,080 你还给我装白痴？ 411 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:51,160 [伏虎]奶奶… 412 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,880 奶奶在那个姐姐身上 快过去拿 413 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,240 我看你还能装到什么时候 414 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:06,560 -[伏虎]奶奶…没有奶奶 -[女子][尖叫] 415 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,000 他还真是个低能儿 416 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:10,640 你们两个摸我的老婆 417 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,280 摸得过不过瘾？ 418 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,320 你去死呀你 419 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,280 [被鸟笼砸的声音] 420 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:15,320 [李修缘]快走 421 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,240 [伏虎]哥哥… 422 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:17,320 [男子]小心切了你… 423 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,760 [伏虎][咀嚼的声音] 424 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,640 老爷 看来你那点银子不够他吃的 425 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,120 我得找份兼差才行 426 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,120 [李茂春妻] 我们家附近不是有家孤儿院吗？ 427 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,600 我李茂春才不会做那种事呢 428 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,640 他已经懂事多了 东西是吃了不少 429 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,120 我也教了他很多东西 430 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,800 很快他就可以自食其力了 431 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:35,800 看着 432 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:36,920 叫我 433 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,080 鲍鱼 434 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,600 鲍鱼是一片一片的 叫我哥哥 435 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,120 叫她… 436 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,360 小鸡鸡 437 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:44,560 [噎住的声音] 438 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,760 傻瓜 小鸡鸡是一条一条的 再叫一次 439 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,720 他才那么小 怎么会记得嘛？ 440 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,240 伯伯 441 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,200 他终于叫对了一次了 442 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:54,840 洗白白 443 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,480 总算缘分一场 尽力而为吧 444 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,800 跟他多玩一会好了 我去看看公文 445 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,280 我也去做点刺绣 446 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,480 [月黑风高的声音] 447 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,200 伏虎罗汉现真身 [风声] 448 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:23,720 阿龙 449 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,800 老兄 你到哪儿去了？ 450 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:30,280 我没什么时间 你听着 你是神仙 451 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,320 只是你不知道 452 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,560 因为你的天灵盖还没有开 453 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,880 你记着 打雷的时候你把头伸出去 454 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,440 让雷劈开你的天灵盖 455 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,800 那你就会全记起来了 456 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,160 是谁在那边穷嚷嚷 让我尿尿断断续续的？ 457 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,520 [大叫减弱] 458 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:48,480 点虫虫 459 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,920 -虫虫飞 -[欢叫] 460 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,920 叫什么叫？一定是尿尿了 我看看 461 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,560 -扇扇… -哎呀 462 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,120 总是玩这把烂扇 463 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,720 真是没得救了 太可怜了 464 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:07,320 -扇扇… -[闹市嘈杂声] 465 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:09,720 不是这把 466 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,360 -大夫 麻烦你帮我看看这家伙 -奶奶… 467 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:12,400 还有没有得救？ 468 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:13,760 没得救了 469 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,120 了解 我只是没事问问 不好意思 470 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:17,800 [医生的徒弟]师父 471 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,480 黄大富在家出了事 他们都过来了 472 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:20,960 真的？快点 473 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,600 -还有大夫 我… -奶奶… 474 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,240 [街头妇女]臭婆娘 小心撞死你 475 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,920 [街头妇女]穿这么少还走出街 476 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,600 [街头妇女]整张床都搬出来 477 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,000 房事猝死 478 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,760 看看什么时候轮到你 479 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,000 [小玉]我就喜欢诅咒你 480 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,400 [小玉]神经病 你奈何不了我？ 481 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,600 [街头妇女]贱婆娘 你害羞吗？ 482 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,800 光天化日之下干这种下流的事情 483 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,000 真是有伤风化 484 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,560 你知道白天会伤风的吗 485 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:45,680 神经病 486 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,160 [小玉]免费给你看 便宜你了 487 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,040 [轿夫]放下来休息一下 488 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:53,080 干嘛停下来？我可是在赶时间的 489 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,080 幸亏那个男人不是我 490 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,680 -那个男的就惨了 -是啊 491 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,480 怎么样 要不要来参观比较一下 492 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:01,680 谁丢的？ 493 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:02,800 是我丢的 494 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,240 姑娘 可不可以麻烦你矜持一点 495 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,600 矜持就没有 肚脐就有一个 496 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,560 有空来怡香院参观一下 497 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,160 太不知羞耻 当心被雷劈 498 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,720 [小玉]有空你们也可以来捧捧场嘛 499 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:14,640 [风雷大作声] 500 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,320 刚讲完就打雷 真是老天有眼 劈死她 501 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,400 [雷闪电声][惨叫] 502 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:21,640 怎么会差那么远 503 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,400 在那一边 看准一点 再来 504 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,360 [闪电声] 505 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:25,440 [爆炸声] 506 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,120 [凌乱的音乐][快速转换的音效] 507 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:38,240 降龙罗汉现身 下凡普渡众生 508 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,520 白痴 509 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,760 奶奶… 510 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,120 伏虎 511 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,360 奶奶 512 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,920 为了帮我 你变成这个样子 513 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:46,960 太够义气了 514 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:48,440 奶奶 515 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,600 -[小玉]你们不要这样 -[众人][谴责声] 516 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:53,960 -[小玉]你们不要这样 -[众人][谴责声] 517 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:55,040 九世野鸡 518 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,440 你们大家都是女人 何苦互相残杀 519 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,160 她是野鸡 520 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,280 鸡都有爱国的 521 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,040 是啊 522 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,320 [众人感动哭泣声] 523 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:15,920 谢了 524 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,240 我很快会回来找你 525 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:22,480 你叫什么名字？ 526 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:24,960 姓名只是个代号 怎么叫都一样 527 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,280 -你看着办吧 -大鸡鸡 528 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,400 [伏虎][惊讶的声音] 529 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,240 人家在叫你 还不走？ 530 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:31,240 奶奶… 531 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:32,640 -走了 -奶奶 532 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:33,800 -走了 -奶奶 533 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:39,520 奶奶… 534 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:44,160 [伏虎]奶奶… 535 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,080 奶奶… 536 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,520 奶奶… 537 00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,280 奶奶 538 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,520 就是这里了 539 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:14,800 [滑稽音效] 540 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:16,640 老兄 我等你好久了 541 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:17,720 你是哪位？ 542 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,880 土地公 这也不能怪你 543 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,320 你的元神还没有回来 544 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,480 你不要怕 545 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,640 只要你把金身拿回来就没事了 546 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,640 还有 你这个金身 547 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,360 官府跟强盗都争着要 548 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,520 上个月那一次来争的人可多着呢 549 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,480 你到底是土地公还是地头蛇？ 550 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,960 [敲木鱼声] 551 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,720 金身就在这里 552 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:54,720 -金身就是我 我就是金身 -你跟我说没用 跟他们说去 553 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,320 -是哦 -你们两个头放错了 554 00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:58,680 不会吧 555 00:23:58,760 --> 00:23:59,920 [土地公]先换过来 556 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,560 什么东西？ 557 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,360 -木鱼 -鱼？ 558 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:09,800 [咀嚼木头的声音] 559 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:12,160 这也能吃呀 560 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,480 师父 打扰你一会容我说两句话 561 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:15,800 -我不认识你呀 -在十三世之前 562 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,000 我在这间寺庙当和尚 563 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,160 到了约八世 我就做了住持了 564 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,600 也就是金身还没圆寂之前的性经大师 565 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,400 然后升了天做了神仙 请跟我来 566 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:24,720 然后你猜会怎么样？ 567 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,400 最后就变成一个降龙罗汉 也就是我本人 568 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,680 到这里来 这次我下来是办点小事情 569 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:30,920 至于什么事情 你就不用管了 570 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,080 看你这个德行 资质平常 571 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,480 念你在寺里待那么久了 572 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:35,720 没有功劳 也有苦劳 573 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,080 在你徒弟面前我叫你一声师父 574 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:41,200 够意思吧 还不赶快去拿件衣服给我换 575 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:42,680 师父 他是疯子 576 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,240 可是我一看到他 我就很欣赏他 577 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,720 -拿衣服来 -是 578 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:50,760 乖呀！ 579 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,200 你怎么那么快就吃光了？ 580 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:56,960 外面还有一个更大的 581 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,440 这一根是我的宝贝 不能吃 582 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,240 要吃 吃后面那个 583 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,160 求你温柔一点 拜托 584 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:08,800 师父 照惯例帮我取个名吧 585 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:10,240 你这么癫 就叫济癫吧 586 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:11,800 非常好 587 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,080 [拳打脚踢声] 588 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,280 [惨叫声] 589 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,480 [大种]救命呀 不要追我… 590 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:19,480 九世乞丐 591 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,120 不要呀 592 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:26,240 好恐怖啊 真的好恐怖 [飞鸟惊叫声] 593 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,120 啊！袁霸天 594 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,160 快躲 595 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:30,080 [狗吠叫] 596 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:31,760 [沉重紧张的音乐] 597 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,520 袁霸天来了 先到我家躲一躲 走 598 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:36,560 土地公 599 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:37,880 [滑稽音效] 600 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,600 九世恶人 全都到齐了 601 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,000 救命呀 602 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:50,960 我早说不要让我再看到你 603 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,080 我一看到你 我就火大 604 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,480 我也不想让你看到我 605 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:56,560 -你不要过来 -[拳打脚踢声] 606 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,680 我要避开你 但是避不了 607 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,480 你打我的头好了 不要打我的背 哎呀… 608 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,360 [大声吼叫声] 609 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,400 好 我把庙给烧了 看你往哪儿跑 610 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:13,920 [袁霸天]连你这个臭和尚也烧掉 611 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:15,480 -[袁霸天] -[惊讶叫声] 612 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,720 我要烧你 你竟敢吹灭我的火 613 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,440 [暗暗发怒声音] 614 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:30,640 [拳打音效] 615 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,400 [咬牙切齿声] 616 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,080 [发怒声] 617 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:37,640 [武打音效] 618 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:38,560 [袁霸天][痛苦叫声] 619 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:41,680 你… 620 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:47,760 痛吗？ 621 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,200 我只是让你了解被人欺负的痛苦 622 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,120 放下屠刀 立地成佛 623 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,760 我不会生气 我疼你 我爱你 624 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,080 重新做人 乖孩子 625 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,600 不可能… 626 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,080 回去关上门想清楚 627 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,320 我会很快回来找你的 628 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:17,600 [大种][害怕哆嗦声] 629 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,200 你不要再行乞了 跟我回家吧 630 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,480 怪物… 631 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:22,400 [大种][害怕的叫声] 632 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:23,400 你怕什么？ 633 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:24,600 我不去呀 634 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,000 -走啦 -[大种][尖叫声] 635 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,280 -很快的车 -[桌腿摩擦地板的声音] 636 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,440 [神秘的音乐] 637 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:32,800 哥哥 伯伯 638 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,000 奶奶 哥哥 639 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,920 -孩子 你怎么弄成这个样子？ -伯伯 640 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,120 我换了发型 不错吧 641 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:44,800 房子怎么也变了样了？ 642 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:45,920 [众人][惊叹声] 643 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,480 修缘 你怎么会惹上袁霸天这种人 644 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,680 洗白白… 645 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,040 李修缘 我誓要杀你全家 646 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,120 袁霸天留字 647 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,480 老爷 他杀光了我们全家的畜生 648 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,000 连蟑螂老鼠都没放过 649 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,080 还有只蟑螂是大肚子的 太残忍 650 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:04,840 还好我们跟老爷夫人去拜神了 651 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,760 [降龙] 这么快就查到我底细 真厉害 652 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,800 可惜我已经不是李修缘了 653 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,080 看不出来他还写了一手好书法 654 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:12,960 连日子都写下了 655 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:14,840 这个家伙做事还挺有条理的 656 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,960 儿子啊 家里被人弄成这个样子 657 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:18,320 你还说这些话 658 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:20,400 [突发疾病的痛苦声] 659 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:22,920 -老爷… -[咽气声] 660 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,560 你爸爸他不行了 661 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:27,120 老爷 662 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:29,480 寿终正寝 福气到极点了 663 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,400 让我算算 下辈子做皇帝 664 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:33,360 已经很不错了 665 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:35,880 修缘 你这孩子 你是不是疯了？ 666 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,280 对了 现在我的新名字叫济癫 667 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:45,200 天哪 我们李家是做错了什么事？ [绝望的哭泣] 668 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:47,080 是呀 你要是没做错事 669 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:49,120 你还应该跟他一块死才对 670 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:50,760 [咽气声] 671 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,160 [仆人]夫人… 672 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,240 快点拿麝香让夫人闻一闻 快 673 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:57,640 别动 他们俩好好的 你们就不要多事了 674 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:00,480 他们俩是鸳鸯蝴蝶命 死也死一双 675 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:02,440 他们在下辈子将会再续未了情 676 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:04,520 真是羡煞旁人 677 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:06,880 少爷 那我们该怎么办？ 678 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:08,840 这是喜事 赶快买只鸡回来庆贺一下 679 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,840 还有你 找个仵作回来送他们一程 680 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:12,600 走呀…快点… 681 00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:13,600 [仆人]我们快走吧 682 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:15,960 唉 你还不可以走 683 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:17,560 [惊恐声] 684 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,320 睡一会倒可以 685 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:20,320 我… 686 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:22,120 哎呀 [木头敲击声] 687 00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:29,440 扇扇… 688 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:32,600 [哭闹声] 689 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:35,480 鸭乖乖… 690 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:36,800 你们夫妻俩生了这么多 691 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,160 送一只给我吃 692 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:39,280 如果我数到三 693 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:40,800 你们没有摇头那就表示答应了 694 00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:41,800 一、二、三 695 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,280 -[大种]哎呀 [降龙]岂有此理 696 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:45,520 又是你 697 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:46,720 沦落到偷鸭 698 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:49,000 不要过来… 699 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:50,720 我问过它们夫妻俩了 700 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:51,680 你问过它们？ 701 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:52,840 他有没有问过你们？ 702 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:54,120 [鸭子]没有 没… 703 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:56,560 鸭子怎么会说话？ 704 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:57,680 你还有什么话说？ 705 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,200 你不要再拉我了 706 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:02,880 一定是它妈勾引了一只八哥鸟 它才会说话的 707 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:04,640 对呀 一定是勾引了八哥鸟 708 00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:06,520 人家的妈妈勾引什么人是它的事 709 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:08,720 什么时候要你来管？我告诉你 710 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:12,040 我们做人处世一定要有点自尊 711 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:13,520 既然你想吃它们 712 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:15,200 得先得到它们的同意 713 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:17,640 -哪有人情愿被别人吃的？ -他妈的 714 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:19,240 我现在想吃你们 715 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:20,720 哪个愿意的 可以跟我走 716 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:22,680 [鸭叫] 717 00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:25,000 [惊叹声] 718 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:36,720 我崇拜你 719 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:39,360 可以叫我一声师父了 720 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,720 师父 有什么我可以效劳的 721 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:43,720 请尽管吩咐 722 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:45,760 晚了 你该睡了 723 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:46,880 啊？ 724 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:49,560 师父 你怎么把我当猪 725 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:50,600 一看到我就叫我睡觉 726 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:55,800 大种 你老爸来找你了 727 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,600 你妈才来找你呢 我老爸早死了 728 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:00,240 你看一看嘛 729 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:06,520 老爸 你好吗？ 730 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:09,040 大种 你听不听老爸的话？ 731 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:10,160 [大种]听 732 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:12,320 听我就以老爸的名义跟你说 733 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:13,920 以后不准再托钵行乞 734 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:15,880 老爸 我也是这么想 735 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,160 我应该换一个大盆子再去要饭 736 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:20,640 -你妈的 -[脚踢音效] 737 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:23,800 [大种]我只记得老爸骂了我一顿 然后就走了 738 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,440 [降龙]别说这么多 先吃点东西吧 739 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:27,880 [大种]我被这家店的人赶出来过 740 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,160 这么多金子 741 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:32,560 [降龙]抱好 742 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:35,280 这样子就不会被赶出来了 743 00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:39,160 大爷 请坐 744 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:41,080 臭和尚 滚出去 745 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:43,360 两位大爷请坐请坐 746 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,440 您先坐会儿 我去给您沏茶 747 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:49,800 大种 喜欢吃什么就点 748 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:51,160 我喜欢吃鸡屁股 749 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:53,560 鸡你妈的屁股 你现在有钱又有面子 750 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:55,880 -当然是先来碗鱼翅漱漱口 -好 751 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:57,160 -叫啊 -啊？ 752 00:31:57,800 --> 00:31:58,720 我不敢叫 还是你叫 753 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:00,320 你连这一点自信心都没有 754 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:03,040 怎么出人头地 鼓起勇气来 755 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:04,720 给我两天时间考虑一下 756 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:06,160 你耍我是不是？说 757 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:08,160 给我一碗鱼翅 758 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,320 我要你大声的说 连街坊都可以听到 759 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:12,080 给我一碗鱼屎 760 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:13,360 不是屎 是翅 761 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,160 你不要逼我 762 00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,680 别傻了 我怎么会逼你呢？ 763 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,160 乖乖的说不就没事了 764 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:24,080 要听话 765 00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:27,080 我只想吃鸡屁股 766 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:28,520 -你以为我不敢打你 -[大种][痛苦叫声] 767 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,080 我一定要你说 768 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:31,680 -说给我一碗鱼翅漱漱口 -[喘不上气的声音] 769 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,320 给我一碗鱼翅漱漱口 770 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:37,000 这个王八蛋 771 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,080 [吃惊的声音] 772 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:40,960 好好吃 773 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:42,880 -气死我 你这个臭小子 -啊呀 774 00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:45,680 大种 废话我不想多说了 775 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:47,480 看我的 776 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,840 这是我本来的面目 降龙罗汉 777 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:52,720 有鬼呀 [惊吓大叫] 778 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:54,480 少鸡猫子喊叫的 鬼不是这样的 779 00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:57,960 鬼是这样子的 780 00:32:58,600 --> 00:32:59,760 [倒地音效] 781 00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:02,080 喂 你不会是真的昏过去吧 782 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:04,840 哎呀 谁踢我嘴巴？ [脚踢音效] 783 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:06,000 装神弄鬼 784 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:07,920 披个被单还挂两条猪肠在嘴上 785 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:10,160 来吓唬乞丐 白痴呀你 786 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:11,400 去死啊你 787 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,200 -去死啊 -别打了… 788 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:14,240 走啊 789 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:15,880 -去死啊 -不要这么冲动 走啊 790 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:18,240 -走吧 让上天惩罚他 -像这样的人 不打死他不行 791 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:19,640 现在的人真的不怕鬼 792 00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:23,960 大种 你终于明白了吧 793 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:24,920 你真的是神仙？ 794 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:26,840 如假包换 所以你有什么愿望 795 00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:28,160 尽管跟我说 我都可以帮你实现 796 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:29,920 -你说啊 -我要你带我上天堂 797 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:31,080 你真有想法 798 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:33,160 我不要再做什么大种乞丐了 799 00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:34,360 [惊讶声] 800 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,000 终于让我看到你的自尊心 801 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,200 我要做一个神仙乞丐 802 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:39,920 气死我了… 803 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:41,600 [大种][惨叫声] 804 00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:45,880 [住持] 明天有早课 大家早一点去休息 805 00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:47,200 [和尚] 师父 外面那个乞丐怎么办？ 806 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,160 [住持] 我佛慈悲 寺院大开方便之门 807 00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:51,680 就让他在外面睡一个晚上好了 808 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:57,040 [伏虎]奶奶… 809 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,880 -[住持]快把木鱼法器搬到里面去 -[和尚]好… 810 00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:02,480 [伏虎]奶奶… 811 00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:05,520 鱼鱼… 812 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:06,720 [降龙]走快两步 813 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:10,639 哥哥… 814 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,159 -哥哥 奶奶 -臭小子 生个叉烧都比生你好 815 00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:14,880 叉烧？ 816 00:34:18,199 --> 00:34:19,239 [惊吓声] 817 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,880 -[伏虎]叉烧… -[大种]不是我 我很臭不能吃呀 818 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:24,800 [月黑风高的音效] 819 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:32,040 [伏虎]伏虎罗汉现真身 820 00:34:35,159 --> 00:34:36,080 你吃我豆腐呀？ 821 00:34:36,199 --> 00:34:37,159 [惊吓声] 822 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:38,560 我被你吓得尿裤子 823 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:41,480 哎 824 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:43,960 麒麟怪 你怎么搞成这样子？ 825 00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:46,560 我弄成这个样子是为了掩人耳目 826 00:34:46,639 --> 00:34:47,520 下来给你报信的 827 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:48,920 什么事？ 828 00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:51,000 你今天私自下凡 上面已经知道了 829 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,639 还派了瘟神下来 到处散布瘟疫 830 00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:55,159 到时候伤了多少人 死了多少人 831 00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:57,000 全算在你的头上 832 00:34:57,640 --> 00:34:59,040 你在这里造这么多的孽 833 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:01,160 你回去的时候一定会被连降三级 834 00:35:01,240 --> 00:35:02,080 你死定了 835 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:03,320 伏虎 你醒过来了？ 836 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,400 降龙 这件事情不关我的事 837 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:06,440 虽然不关你的事 838 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:08,160 你又不是不知道上面那票笨蛋 839 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:09,560 一个人降级不要紧 840 00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:11,240 还要害了这么多条人命 841 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,160 -这下你可麻烦了 -就是呀 842 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:14,720 也不晓得是什么规矩！ 843 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:16,560 你告诉我 是哪个下令放瘟疫的 844 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:18,520 -上头呀 -他妈的 845 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:20,000 上头什么人哪？ 846 00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:23,440 说呀 我不会说是你讲的 847 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:24,720 是康乐部 848 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:25,640 嗯？ 849 00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:27,400 康乐部是搞旅游的 850 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:29,720 康乐部跟会计部有挂勾的 851 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:31,720 -会计部是发薪水的 -是呀 852 00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:32,840 没错呀 853 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:34,640 糟糕的就是会计部跟宣传部 854 00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:36,280 都是拜把兄弟 855 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:38,400 又好像宣传部跟福利部 大家都死要面子… 856 00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:40,880 降龙 别理他 我回到上面去了 857 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,240 你自己小心点 保重 858 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,520 上去认个错 看看有没有办法补救 859 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:45,640 保重了 860 00:35:46,720 --> 00:35:49,720 -走了 -那就糗大了 你说是不是？ 861 00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:00,280 一夜之间死了一百多个人 862 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:01,280 [男子]一定是有妖精作怪 863 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,840 [跌倒疼痛叫声] 864 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,760 死乞丐 生那么多大毒疮 865 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:09,000 早晚毒死你 866 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:11,120 [施法音效] 867 00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:12,920 -哇 -怎么了 868 00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:14,320 你这里更大 869 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:19,800 大毒疮…完了…这下完蛋了 [惊恐哭诉] 870 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:22,560 不用怕 多生几粒你都不会死 871 00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:27,200 降龙 齐天大圣 至霸尊者驾到 872 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:28,640 [铃声] 873 00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:30,160 我知道这里有瘟疫 874 00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:33,400 我就踏上西天跟玉皇大帝谈判 875 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,120 他说要你们凑足一千两白银给我 876 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:41,240 [道士] 让我做法事 替你们消灾解难 877 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:46,320 我做这场法事可能要我减寿十年 878 00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:48,800 妖言惑众 打扰我睡觉 879 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:49,760 [施法音效] 880 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:51,480 -你… -什么你… 881 00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:53,840 我这么做是为了拯救苍生 882 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,880 要我减寿十年我也在所不计 883 00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:58,280 还胡说 884 00:36:58,360 --> 00:36:59,280 [施法音效] 885 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:00,360 牺牲很大的呀 知不知道啊 886 00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:01,560 牺牲了什么呀？ 887 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:02,600 -又多一个 -是的 888 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:03,600 什么？ 889 00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:07,040 你再说 我把你屁股变到嘴巴上 890 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:10,880 一天只能三次 算你走运了 891 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:12,560 找个人出来祭神 892 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,200 要找哪种人哪？ 893 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:15,960 死了也没关系那种 894 00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:17,920 到哪儿去找？ 895 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:19,760 怡香院里多的是 896 00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:21,440 去啊 897 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:26,480 [龟公]老鸨 898 00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:30,880 -这班臭男人怎么这么早就来了 -就是呀 899 00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:31,960 [众人]快… 900 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:33,240 [道士]叫她们交出一个人来 901 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,560 如果她们不肯交人那怎么办呢？ 902 00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:36,960 这关乎全城人的安危 903 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:38,360 由不得她们不肯了 904 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:40,720 大家一起进去 地保 你先走 905 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:46,400 [袁霸天]什么事？ 906 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:47,680 [众人惊恐声] 907 00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:48,800 停 908 00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:50,640 你们搞什么鬼？ 909 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:54,080 天爷 你也知道 910 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:55,160 这次瘟疫死了那么多的人 911 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:56,920 跟我怡香院有什么关系？ 912 00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:58,960 他们说随便找几个姑娘去祭神 913 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:00,200 干嘛不找你妈去祭呀？ 914 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:01,360 是呀 915 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:02,840 昨天你不是告诉我很讨厌你老婆 916 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:03,840 叫她去呀 917 00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:05,800 [男子]我知道天爷你很为难 918 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:07,880 我有什么为难？这里全是我的人 919 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,080 要她死就死 要生就生 对不对？ 920 00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:11,240 对 921 00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:14,200 哪几个没人要的 统统给我站出来 922 00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:15,360 我可以省点米饭 923 00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:18,480 不用这么多 一个半个就够了 924 00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:20,640 [袁霸天]出来围一圈 围一圈… 925 00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,920 [龟公]围好…围个圈 快点… 926 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:26,080 [龟公]围好了… 927 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:28,280 -[袁霸天]驼子躺下 -好 928 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:35,160 他的脚指向谁就是谁 929 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,920 [众女子]转啊… 930 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,080 [惊恐叫声] 931 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,440 你耍赖 932 00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:57,960 [倒吸一口凉气声] 933 00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:00,880 -不是我呀 -[男子]抓住她 934 00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:02,120 你也看到了 935 00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:03,240 -走 -拉她走 936 00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:05,320 你记不记得昨天跟我说过什么？ 937 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:06,800 我说你收费太高 938 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:08,600 -走… -别说那么多 拉她走 939 00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:09,840 [痛苦叫声] 940 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:11,560 [袁霸天]敢在我怡香院撒野？ 941 00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:18,480 不…不是我 [哭泣] 942 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:20,960 -喂 怎么祭？ -红烧 943 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:22,520 [袁霸天]那得不少时间 944 00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:24,560 留条左腿给我 945 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:25,600 我先歇会 946 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,320 抓她去沐浴更衣 走 947 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:29,880 不要呀 948 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:32,320 [铃声] 949 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:41,160 [铃声] 950 00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,880 好漂亮 烧死了多可惜 951 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:47,000 赶快想办法救她 952 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:49,640 漂亮的才救 烧你就不用救了？ 953 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:56,200 你这把扇子 真的要等到天亮才能变东西呀 954 00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:57,800 与其等到天亮 955 00:39:57,880 --> 00:39:59,840 倒不如等我的法力消失好了 956 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:02,080 我解释给你听你就明白了 957 00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:04,400 不用了 我就是不明白 958 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:05,480 照我的吩咐做 959 00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:07,360 吉时已到 960 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,480 慢一点 请问一下你怎么知道 961 00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:14,200 烧死了她就会没有瘟疫？ 962 00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:16,760 玉帝托梦告诉我的 963 00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:26,200 王母娘娘刚刚托梦告诉我 964 00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:30,040 说烧你老妈 965 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,120 你… 966 00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:34,560 还说要连骂三次 967 00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:37,880 你脸上那两块黑痣就会没有了 968 00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:39,600 神经病 走开 969 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:41,080 时间到了 快骂 970 00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:42,040 我…我不要 971 00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:47,360 你妈 你妈 去你妈 972 00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:50,360 [众人]哇 973 00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:51,880 [男子]好灵啊 974 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:55,400 你们看他的脸 比神仙还要灵验 975 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,920 各位 他已经跟王母娘娘谈好了 976 00:40:58,000 --> 00:40:59,880 以后不会再有瘟疫了 马上放人 977 00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:01,120 嗯… 978 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,080 如果放了她 979 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:03,320 还有瘟疫那怎么办呢？ 980 00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:05,320 -是不是 -[众人]对呀… 981 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:07,160 [妇女]你说怎么办？ 982 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:11,040 -不关我事 我不知道… -[众人][质问声] 983 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:12,480 这样子了 984 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:14,320 要是烧死她还有瘟疫的话 985 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,720 就烧死你们 986 00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:17,040 [众人][惊恐叫声] 987 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:18,440 喂 988 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,320 听到没有 马上放人 989 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:21,760 火这么大 怎么放？ 990 00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:23,120 拿水来浇熄它呀 991 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:25,320 街口的井给封了 哪来的水呀？ 992 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:26,800 [哭泣声] 993 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,200 没有水 随便什么水都可以 994 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:31,080 哦 我明白了 995 00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:33,800 [众人][吐口水声] 996 00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:39,160 你实在太神勇了 避都不避 997 00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:41,160 口水而已 怕什么 998 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:45,360 [欢快的音乐] 999 00:41:52,720 --> 00:41:58,560 [木头被扫开的声音] 1000 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,240 谢谢你 1001 00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:29,000 不客气 1002 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:30,720 [舒缓的音乐] 1003 00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:32,760 我… 1004 00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:48,880 你休息一下 1005 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:51,520 你不要走 1006 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:56,560 你放心 那些人不会再来烧你 1007 00:42:56,800 --> 00:42:59,240 那些臭男人平时在床上 都对我那么好 1008 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:01,800 他们干嘛要放火来烧我？ 1009 00:43:02,240 --> 00:43:03,720 原因是这样子的 1010 00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:04,880 那些人来找你 1011 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,200 就跟坐马桶一样 1012 00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:08,920 坐的时候固然是很舒坦 1013 00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:11,640 但是绝对不会对马桶有感情 1014 00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:13,720 我不明白 1015 00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:16,160 也就是说请你以后不要再做马桶 1016 00:43:16,240 --> 00:43:17,520 明白吗？ 1017 00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:18,840 我明白了 1018 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:20,800 你干什么？ 1019 00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:22,000 我要报答你呀 1020 00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:24,800 不要 你真是鸡性难改 1021 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:26,120 我不收你钱的呀 1022 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:28,480 你不收钱 我还收呢 1023 00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:29,720 你连马桶都不如 1024 00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:30,880 你除了会躺下收钱之外 1025 00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:31,880 你还会做什么？ 1026 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:36,240 倒挂也行？ 1027 00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:37,640 不会吧 1028 00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:40,160 妈的 我怎么会跟你谈这个玩意 1029 00:43:40,240 --> 00:43:41,880 我是说你可不可以换一个职业 1030 00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:43,880 譬如说卖卖豆腐也行呀 1031 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:45,840 那摊子摆门口还是床边？ 1032 00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:49,400 [吐血音效] 1033 00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:55,720 [大种]师父…要到半块豆腐乳 1034 00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:00,120 好香 有没有我的份 1035 00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:01,600 豆腐乳就有你的份 1036 00:44:02,480 --> 00:44:04,960 别这样 连汤都喝光了？ 1037 00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:08,360 是条洋狗 没什么味 1038 00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:10,080 还有一口 我试试就知道了 1039 00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:12,200 这只狗生前咬死了两个人 1040 00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:13,720 我现在吃它是超渡它 1041 00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:15,200 你想吃 你还没这个本事呢 1042 00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:16,320 不会吧 师父 1043 00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:18,480 狗肉穿肠过 徒弟的肚子好饿 1044 00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:21,480 [轻快滑稽的音乐] 1045 00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:27,240 做做好事 留一块骨头给我尝尝 1046 00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:28,480 拜托 1047 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:30,320 拜托嘛 师父 拜托 1048 00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:31,560 别闹了 1049 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,680 发发慈悲吧 1050 00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:35,200 -[吐掉的声音] -这样不行 1051 00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:37,480 我知道你还没有吞下去 1052 00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:40,360 [降龙]你这个臭小子 其他事情不见你这么有斗志 1053 00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:41,560 真是 1054 00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:50,080 [小玉]内裤拿走了没？ 1055 00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:51,320 拿了… 1056 00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:53,800 这么久 到我呀 1057 00:44:53,880 --> 00:44:54,760 来… 1058 00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:55,920 小玉 1059 00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:57,560 怎么是你呀？ 1060 00:44:57,640 --> 00:45:00,800 你不但不听我的话 还变本加厉 1061 00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:02,080 简直太不自爱 1062 00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:03,760 我全照你的吩咐做了 1063 00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:06,760 你这个妓女就跟小贩一样当街叫卖 1064 00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:09,000 还好意思说照我的吩咐做 1065 00:45:09,720 --> 00:45:12,200 没错 我是在卖豆腐 1066 00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:18,960 真的卖豆腐？ 1067 00:45:20,240 --> 00:45:21,960 快一点 你到底做不做生意？ 1068 00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:23,720 说好了干一次才跟你买豆腐的 1069 00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:25,040 不干是吗？退钱啊 1070 00:45:25,120 --> 00:45:26,640 别生气 走… 1071 00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:29,840 多谢你的提醒 1072 00:45:29,920 --> 00:45:31,160 我现在的生意好得不得了 1073 00:45:34,080 --> 00:45:36,080 她是改了 只是用错方法了 1074 00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:37,120 大种 跟我来 1075 00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:42,400 [大种]喂… 帮帮忙… 1076 00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:43,920 我有少少请求 1077 00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,600 千万不要在街上用刚才的名字叫我 1078 00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:47,600 行不行？ 1079 00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:48,680 我叫你什么名字？ 1080 00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:51,880 大种乞丐 1081 00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:53,560 你叫大种吗？ 1082 00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:55,480 -你忘了你叫朱大常 你这个臭小子 -不要打… 1083 00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,960 你要打 带我到后面巷子再打 1084 00:45:58,040 --> 00:45:59,160 在这里打会让小玉看到的 1085 00:45:59,240 --> 00:46:00,400 我带你到后面巷子去 1086 00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:02,600 [恍然大悟的声音] 1087 00:46:02,680 --> 00:46:04,480 原来要在小玉面前 1088 00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:06,720 你的自尊心才会出现 1089 00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:08,560 我明白了 1090 00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:09,840 好爽 1091 00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:13,000 谁说他们没有救 所有的人都可以救 1092 00:46:13,080 --> 00:46:16,560 上面的人听着 我赢定了 1093 00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:43,560 [小玉心声]在这个世上 除了他 我谁都不嫁 1094 00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:53,600 [暧昧的笑声] 1095 00:46:57,360 --> 00:46:59,440 你坏坏 偷看人家洗澡 1096 00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:02,160 你才坏呢 不许你这样说我 1097 00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:09,240 就是这个造型 一个好女孩 1098 00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:10,640 本来就是应该这个样子 1099 00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:16,760 不会痛嘛 我就知道是在作梦 1100 00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:17,800 不然我怎么会穿这种衣服 1101 00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:19,600 可以啦 1102 00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:27,000 这是什么虫 长得真难看 1103 00:47:27,080 --> 00:47:28,120 -咦 -唉 1104 00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:29,520 -你看 -[神奇的音效] 1105 00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:31,880 真漂亮 1106 00:47:32,480 --> 00:47:35,560 小玉 既然毛虫可以变蝴蝶 1107 00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:37,800 那么鸡一样可以变凤凰 1108 00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:39,840 -那我也要做凤凰 行不行？ -[淋水音效] 1109 00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:41,480 [惊醒叫声] 1110 00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:44,560 [窗户被风吹的声音] 1111 00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:50,760 凤凰？ 1112 00:48:04,240 --> 00:48:07,360 [袁霸天] 主宫 你真有先见之明 1113 00:48:08,160 --> 00:48:10,800 那个和尚做的一切正如你所说的 1114 00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:13,920 你有什么吩咐 尽管说 1115 00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:19,160 嫖妓？改天吧 1116 00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:20,880 [推搡声] 1117 00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:22,040 我没空 1118 00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:23,120 [降龙被推搡声] 1119 00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,960 我推你是可以 你敢推我？ 你给我过来 1120 00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:27,720 不要打我 1121 00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:29,160 厕所上过了 你又不用洗澡 1122 00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:30,160 你还有什么事要做的？ 1123 00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:32,080 可是嫖妓关我什么事？ 1124 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:34,000 小玉正在上面等她的意中人 1125 00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,240 是谁呀？ 1126 00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:39,000 他叫朱大常 1127 00:48:39,240 --> 00:48:40,280 我？ 1128 00:48:41,360 --> 00:48:43,960 一个风度翩翩的美男子 [施法音效] 1129 00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:47,040 [轻快愉悦的音乐] 1130 00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:00,160 耶！ 1131 00:49:01,600 --> 00:49:02,960 [降龙]大种 你要切记 1132 00:49:03,040 --> 00:49:04,720 初更时你一定要走 1133 00:49:04,800 --> 00:49:07,560 要不然黄金变狗屎 1134 00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:11,040 所有的大疮都会冒出来 吓死别人就不好了 1135 00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:16,120 [大种惊讶的叫声] 1136 00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:17,960 [小姐笑声] 1137 00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:19,800 -有没有相熟的姑娘？ -小玉 1138 00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:20,960 她的大姨妈来了 1139 00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:22,120 哎呀 1140 00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:24,000 她的大姨妈刚走 1141 00:49:24,080 --> 00:49:25,880 不过她住在这儿不接客的 1142 00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:27,560 -哎呀 -哎呀 1143 00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:31,000 不要紧 她偶尔客串一下 你跟我来吧 1144 00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:35,160 [不好意思的笑] 1145 00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:37,560 小玉 1146 00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:39,640 叫我凤凰 [开心的笑] 1147 00:49:40,800 --> 00:49:41,880 这位官人 1148 00:49:41,960 --> 00:49:44,520 -不如我吩咐厨房给你弄几个小菜吧 -[赞同的声音] 1149 00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:45,800 你喜欢什么？ 1150 00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:48,760 要是有一盘鸡屁股那就太好了 1151 00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:51,120 是不是我说错话了？ 1152 00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:52,160 真会吃 1153 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:53,280 [满意的笑] 1154 00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:56,120 [抑制不住兴奋的笑] 1155 00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:58,640 你是干哪一行的？ 1156 00:49:58,720 --> 00:49:59,960 要饭的 1157 00:50:01,680 --> 00:50:03,480 原来是你呀 1158 00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:05,120 你不会嫌弃我吧？ 1159 00:50:05,200 --> 00:50:06,920 怎么会呢？ 1160 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,240 我看到你就好像看到那个谁一样 那个谁呢？ 1161 00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:10,880 是那个谁叫我来找你的 1162 00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:12,320 那个谁叫你来找我什么事？ 1163 00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:14,480 那个谁叫我来找你… 1164 00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:16,760 买豆腐 1165 00:50:16,840 --> 00:50:18,080 你坏死了 1166 00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:21,440 [脚步声] 1167 00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:23,400 [冷哼] 1168 00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:26,560 [发怒的声音] 1169 00:50:26,720 --> 00:50:29,160 来得正好 顺便把你解决 1170 00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:31,520 [施法声] 1171 00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:36,200 [诡异音效] 1172 00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:38,560 有少林达摩祖师上身 1173 00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:39,640 一盏灯的时间 1174 00:50:39,720 --> 00:50:42,280 没有理由摆不平你 站住 1175 00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:44,160 -干掉他 -是 1176 00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:47,640 [惨叫声] 1177 00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:51,400 [众人]发生什么事了？ 1178 00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:56,000 达摩祖师果然厉害 1179 00:50:56,600 --> 00:50:57,680 达摩？ 1180 00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:00,280 怕了吧 1181 00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:02,800 看你这个德行 无恶不作罪孽深重 1182 00:51:02,880 --> 00:51:04,080 当我做件善事 1183 00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:05,360 带你回去做和尚重新做人 1184 00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:06,800 去你妈的 1185 00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:08,920 打到你去 1186 00:51:12,280 --> 00:51:13,920 开玩笑的吧 藤条？ 1187 00:51:14,240 --> 00:51:15,920 [密集的鞭打音效] 1188 00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:17,800 小看我 1189 00:51:19,040 --> 00:51:20,160 妈的 好累呀 [叹气声] 1190 00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:24,520 [众人][惊恐叫声] 1191 00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:29,560 看你往哪儿跑？ 1192 00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:31,280 [搏命而出声] 1193 00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:35,400 他妈的二百五 教不会的 1194 00:51:48,400 --> 00:51:49,600 [发力声] 1195 00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,280 [惊恐叫声] 1196 00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:19,560 [发怒声] 1197 00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:21,720 服不服气？ 1198 00:52:22,320 --> 00:52:23,320 服你的妈 1199 00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:25,640 [发力声] 1200 00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:34,200 [男女呻吟声] 1201 00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:36,480 -原来那个谁是神仙？ -你不知道的吗？ 1202 00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:40,600 -不好意思让你费这么大劲 -没关系 我喜欢 1203 00:52:40,880 --> 00:52:43,360 -要多少块啊？ -这种情况 两块就够了 1204 00:52:44,560 --> 00:52:47,720 记得跟那个谁说 明天我会加卖豆浆 1205 00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:48,880 真的？ 1206 00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:52,160 -你猜那个谁喜欢吃甜的还是咸的？ -咸的 1207 00:52:52,240 --> 00:52:53,280 那加点榨菜吧 1208 00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:54,560 放点芝麻更香 1209 00:52:55,240 --> 00:52:56,640 罗汉斋豆浆 1210 00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:57,920 他喜欢吃狗肉 1211 00:52:58,000 --> 00:52:59,960 狗肉罗汉斋豆浆 1212 00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:02,480 耶！ 1213 00:53:05,240 --> 00:53:06,880 小玉无敌豆浆霸 1214 00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:08,080 耶！ 1215 00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:09,200 哎呀 1216 00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:10,720 我是来嫖妓的 1217 00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:17,480 [刀断的音效] 1218 00:53:19,640 --> 00:53:21,240 事到如今 我只好以暴制暴 1219 00:53:23,240 --> 00:53:24,160 铁头功 1220 00:53:24,240 --> 00:53:25,400 [撞墙的音效] 1221 00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:32,200 [痛苦叫声] 1222 00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:37,080 认输了吗？ 1223 00:53:37,680 --> 00:53:39,760 叫你当和尚 又不是叫你去死 1224 00:53:40,040 --> 00:53:41,080 马上乖乖的跟我回去 1225 00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:47,600 你真是冥顽不灵 1226 00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:50,240 [痛苦尖叫] 1227 00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:52,840 算了 不做和尚好了 1228 00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:54,280 总之不能杀人 行不行？ 1229 00:53:54,360 --> 00:53:55,240 [惊讶声] 1230 00:53:57,560 --> 00:53:59,560 [玻璃碎的音效] 1231 00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:01,080 [发狂的叫声] 1232 00:54:01,160 --> 00:54:03,960 他妈的 到底是人还是禽兽？ 1233 00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:08,360 [骨碎加惨叫] 1234 00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:12,320 你喜欢我吗？ 1235 00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:13,880 喜欢 不过等下辈子吧 1236 00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:16,560 这辈子我一定要嫁给他才甘心 1237 00:54:16,720 --> 00:54:18,240 那也是 我也是认识他以后 1238 00:54:18,320 --> 00:54:19,520 才发现自己有自尊 1239 00:54:19,880 --> 00:54:21,360 [二人笑] 1240 00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:27,120 今天晚上算我怕你了 1241 00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:28,480 一人让一步 1242 00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:31,240 只要你现在不要去找小玉的麻烦 我们的帐以后再算 1243 00:54:31,320 --> 00:54:32,520 [刀插的音效] 1244 00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:39,440 哇 1245 00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:41,640 要是我没变身就被你刺死了 1246 00:54:41,720 --> 00:54:43,320 你这个浑球 1247 00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:45,440 我忍无可忍了 1248 00:54:53,240 --> 00:54:54,200 [飞刀音效] 1249 00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:59,200 我佛慈悲 大吉大利 1250 00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:07,680 [狂笑声] 1251 00:55:09,120 --> 00:55:12,240 糗了 大种 时辰到了 1252 00:55:14,320 --> 00:55:15,240 有人卖大粽子？ 1253 00:55:15,320 --> 00:55:17,600 -每天都有人来卖粽子 别理他 -哦 1254 00:55:18,840 --> 00:55:19,960 [不好意思的笑] 1255 00:55:20,040 --> 00:55:23,280 法术全用完了 快走 1256 00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:25,400 [大种]糟糕 时辰到了 1257 00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:27,360 哎呀 1258 00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:29,880 哎呀 我怎么又变回乞丐了？ 1259 00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:32,000 哎呀什么？你本来就是乞丐啊 1260 00:55:32,800 --> 00:55:34,080 不行了 我要走了 1261 00:55:34,240 --> 00:55:37,120 我们是好朋友吧 1262 00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:39,240 嗯… 1263 00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:40,560 哎呀 还不下来？ 1264 00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:41,520 臭小子 1265 00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:44,800 有没有看到一个大胡子？ 1266 00:55:45,240 --> 00:55:47,280 有 他好像在大便呢 1267 00:55:47,360 --> 00:55:48,240 追 1268 00:55:49,120 --> 00:55:50,080 站住 1269 00:55:50,720 --> 00:55:51,960 臭小子 你好面熟呀 1270 00:55:52,960 --> 00:55:54,880 两位壮士 你们认错人了 1271 00:55:57,680 --> 00:55:58,560 哼 1272 00:55:58,640 --> 00:56:00,560 [惊恐叫声] 1273 00:56:00,640 --> 00:56:02,320 -[袁霸天]岂有此理 -[大种]啊 死了 1274 00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:04,160 -[袁霸天]都说别让我见到你的了 -不要… 1275 00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:05,560 你还想白吃？ 1276 00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:09,760 没有 我没有白吃 我有钱 1277 00:56:10,240 --> 00:56:11,480 麻烦了 黄金变… 1278 00:56:13,680 --> 00:56:15,440 [痛苦叫声] 1279 00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:21,840 他没有白吃 你不要打了 1280 00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:23,160 他是我男朋友 1281 00:56:23,240 --> 00:56:25,240 真是下贱 满身疮的你都要 1282 00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:26,720 [小玉][尖叫] 1283 00:56:26,800 --> 00:56:27,680 哎呀 1284 00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:28,880 看我的 1285 00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:29,880 [小玉][惊恐叫声] 1286 00:56:29,960 --> 00:56:32,360 -老大 早跟你说不是我 -你还不承认 1287 00:56:32,440 --> 00:56:33,920 说不定只是长得很像而已嘛 1288 00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:35,560 他根本在装神弄鬼 1289 00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:36,560 我有胡子吗？ 1290 00:56:36,640 --> 00:56:38,560 -刮掉行不行呀？ -哪有人刮得那么快的 1291 00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:40,400 你怎么帮着外人 1292 00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:41,800 -我讲道理呀 -去死 1293 00:56:41,880 --> 00:56:43,400 [惨叫] 1294 00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:45,920 -你打伤人了 -打伤人又怎么样？ 1295 00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:48,560 -你成心跟我过不去 -连老大的话都不听 1296 00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:50,240 -我告诉你 我忍你很久了 -不要… 1297 00:56:50,560 --> 00:56:52,240 不要打我老大… 1298 00:56:52,320 --> 00:56:53,160 你们滚开 1299 00:56:53,240 --> 00:56:54,240 去死吧 1300 00:56:55,040 --> 00:56:56,960 不要打了… 1301 00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:58,560 不要 救命呀 1302 00:56:58,640 --> 00:57:00,160 -大爷 不要呀 -让你开开眼界 1303 00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:01,720 求你放了她吧 大爷 [沉重的音乐] 1304 00:57:01,800 --> 00:57:02,760 哎呀 1305 00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:06,520 [小玉][痛苦的叫声] 1306 00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:07,720 小玉 1307 00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:09,840 [大种][哭泣声] 1308 00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:11,080 小玉 1309 00:57:11,160 --> 00:57:13,280 救我 [痛苦的喊] 1310 00:57:15,240 --> 00:57:17,000 我跟你拼了 1311 00:57:19,760 --> 00:57:20,680 [尖叫声] 1312 00:57:21,240 --> 00:57:22,360 大种 1313 00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:24,880 你进来怎么不敲门 1314 00:57:25,440 --> 00:57:26,280 对不起 我找错人了 1315 00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:28,520 记得关门呀 来 吃香蕉 1316 00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:29,960 对不起… 1317 00:57:32,440 --> 00:57:34,200 师父 我… 1318 00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:35,640 这么久也不下来 找死呀 1319 00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:36,880 都变回乞丐了 快点走 1320 00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:38,440 师傅 走不动 1321 00:57:41,880 --> 00:57:42,800 [插入声] 1322 00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:45,000 [痛苦尖叫声] 1323 00:57:45,840 --> 00:57:47,400 [丧心病狂的笑声] 1324 00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:48,480 袁霸天 1325 00:57:49,280 --> 00:57:51,800 [脚踢音效] 1326 00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:56,360 [袁霸天]大种乞丐 你去死吧 1327 00:58:00,440 --> 00:58:04,080 不要叫我大种 叫我朱大常 1328 00:58:04,920 --> 00:58:05,920 [吐舌头声] 1329 00:58:08,040 --> 00:58:09,480 [大笑] 1330 00:58:10,560 --> 00:58:11,480 大种 1331 00:58:12,920 --> 00:58:14,280 -你害得我们够惨了 -大种 1332 00:58:14,360 --> 00:58:17,760 你不能死 要撑下去呀 大种 1333 00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:19,320 你没有法术了吗？ 1334 00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:21,160 明天有 明天你就知道厉害了 1335 00:58:21,240 --> 00:58:22,240 [衣服撕裂声] 1336 00:58:26,040 --> 00:58:27,320 [惨叫] 1337 00:58:28,320 --> 00:58:29,280 王八蛋 1338 00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:30,480 把他的脸扳过来 1339 00:58:30,920 --> 00:58:32,000 转过去… 1340 00:58:33,800 --> 00:58:35,320 过去 再过去 看好 1341 00:58:35,400 --> 00:58:36,560 [袁霸天][狂笑声] 1342 00:58:37,240 --> 00:58:39,080 [小玉][哭泣声] 1343 00:58:43,080 --> 00:58:44,320 把眼睛睁开 1344 00:58:44,400 --> 00:58:45,880 [小玉][哭泣声] 1345 00:58:52,200 --> 00:58:53,760 天爷说放你一马 以后当心一点 1346 00:58:53,840 --> 00:58:55,360 刚才看得真爽呀 眼睛都不眨一下 1347 00:58:55,720 --> 00:58:57,320 -不过刚才真的精彩呀 -是呀 1348 00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:02,800 [袁霸天][大笑] 1349 00:59:03,080 --> 00:59:04,680 这一次你还不死呀 1350 00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:10,640 土地公… 1351 00:59:11,040 --> 00:59:13,360 快点出来 你给我出来 1352 00:59:15,800 --> 00:59:17,840 我不是来了嘛 干嘛大呼小叫的 1353 00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:19,720 要怎么样才可以救大种？ 1354 00:59:19,800 --> 00:59:22,160 人的生死早有定数 1355 00:59:22,240 --> 00:59:23,640 天条规定改不了的 1356 00:59:23,720 --> 00:59:25,160 大种这次枉死 1357 00:59:25,240 --> 00:59:26,240 我无论如何都要救他 1358 00:59:26,320 --> 00:59:27,720 快点帮我想想办法 1359 00:59:27,800 --> 00:59:29,040 枉死一定下地狱 1360 00:59:29,720 --> 00:59:32,120 阎罗王这个人没得商量 1361 00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:33,480 不过… 1362 00:59:33,560 --> 00:59:34,400 不过什么？ 1363 00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:36,800 入枉死城之前 1364 00:59:36,880 --> 00:59:39,720 有一段是邪神黑罗刹的地盘 1365 00:59:39,800 --> 00:59:42,160 他是专收孤魂野鬼的 1366 00:59:42,240 --> 00:59:44,560 到了他的手上就永不得超生 1367 00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:46,560 不过他是可以商量的 1368 00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:48,040 快带我去下去见他 1369 00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:51,640 喂 我只是一个小神 没有资格下去 1370 00:59:51,720 --> 00:59:54,080 不像你 你有金身护着 1371 00:59:54,160 --> 00:59:55,840 上上下下都没问题 1372 00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:57,840 我马上把金身拿回来 1373 00:59:57,920 --> 00:59:58,760 喂… 1374 00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:00,640 千万不可以拿金身来开玩笑 1375 01:00:00,720 --> 01:00:01,640 不行也得行 1376 01:00:07,680 --> 01:00:08,840 干什么？放手 1377 01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:10,640 师父说这个金身不能离开这间寺庙 1378 01:00:10,720 --> 01:00:12,640 离开了又怎么样？ 1379 01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:13,880 -不知道 -那就是没事情了 1380 01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:16,160 -借来用用 最多付你利息 -不可以 1381 01:00:16,240 --> 01:00:17,320 -只借一个晚上？ -不行 1382 01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:18,480 -一个时辰？ -不行 1383 01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:19,400 那就把你变个大字 1384 01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,200 不行 怎么变呀？ 1385 01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:22,120 [被打晕的声音] 1386 01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:28,480 [入地音效] 1387 01:00:28,560 --> 01:00:31,840 [阴森神秘的音乐] 1388 01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:39,200 [鬼叫] 1389 01:00:42,040 --> 01:00:45,560 [阴森恐怖的叫声] 1390 01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:56,320 [沉重的脚步声] 1391 01:00:56,400 --> 01:00:58,440 [铁链拖拽声] 1392 01:01:16,320 --> 01:01:18,240 大黑鬼 你给我站住 1393 01:01:18,600 --> 01:01:19,800 什么事？ 1394 01:01:20,480 --> 01:01:21,440 放了他 1395 01:01:21,520 --> 01:01:23,880 -哼 你是如来佛祖吗？ -不是 1396 01:01:23,960 --> 01:01:24,880 我呸 1397 01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:26,000 [口水落下声] 1398 01:01:33,400 --> 01:01:35,040 大黑鬼 你真没礼貌 1399 01:01:35,120 --> 01:01:37,360 我告诉你 我跟佛祖是好朋友 1400 01:01:37,440 --> 01:01:39,320 我代表他取回这个人的三魂七魄 1401 01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:40,520 听懂了没有？ 1402 01:01:41,080 --> 01:01:42,280 [抬脚蓄力声] 1403 01:01:42,560 --> 01:01:44,320 你好大的胆子 不要过来… 1404 01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:46,080 [用力脚踏声] 1405 01:01:46,680 --> 01:01:47,720 哎呀 1406 01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:59,120 垃圾 叫释迦牟尼来见我 1407 01:02:01,040 --> 01:02:02,480 [降龙]不要走 1408 01:02:03,000 --> 01:02:05,240 其实我跟佛祖也不太熟 1409 01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,480 我也不知道你跟他有过节 1410 01:02:08,280 --> 01:02:10,080 这样子好了 我叫你老大 你已经有这么多的手下 1411 01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:11,920 多一个不多 少一个不少 1412 01:02:12,000 --> 01:02:13,800 这个就当送给我好了 1413 01:02:13,880 --> 01:02:16,120 送给你有什么好处？ 1414 01:02:16,200 --> 01:02:17,240 好处？ 1415 01:02:17,920 --> 01:02:20,480 我帮你修一下脚趾甲 好长呀 1416 01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:21,880 -好不好？ -滚开 1417 01:02:22,840 --> 01:02:25,720 除非拿你的金身来换 嗯？ 1418 01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:28,120 金身？金身不可以给你 1419 01:02:28,200 --> 01:02:29,280 况且你要来也没什么用 1420 01:02:29,720 --> 01:02:30,600 摆着看也好呀 1421 01:02:30,680 --> 01:02:34,480 王八蛋 你这死黑鬼 好 换了 1422 01:02:37,560 --> 01:02:39,760 大种 我再怎么样也要带你回去 1423 01:02:39,840 --> 01:02:40,920 放心好了 1424 01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:42,320 把你金身留下来 1425 01:02:42,400 --> 01:02:43,320 [黑罗刹][大叫一声] 1426 01:02:43,680 --> 01:02:44,760 [降龙][惨叫] 1427 01:02:57,960 --> 01:02:59,600 [吸气声] 1428 01:03:03,480 --> 01:03:04,400 啊？ 1429 01:03:04,960 --> 01:03:06,440 [得意的笑] 1430 01:03:06,520 --> 01:03:08,000 你答应我要交换的 1431 01:03:08,080 --> 01:03:09,480 你居然还吸他的魂魄 1432 01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:10,560 我坏嘛 1433 01:03:10,640 --> 01:03:11,480 啊！ 1434 01:03:24,080 --> 01:03:26,560 [男子]臭和尚 你跟鬼一样 从哪儿冒出来的 1435 01:03:26,840 --> 01:03:28,200 糟了 又回到上面来了 1436 01:03:28,280 --> 01:03:30,120 [男子] 你不喜欢的话 就回到下面去好了 1437 01:03:30,200 --> 01:03:32,280 没有金身 我怎么回到下面去呀？ 1438 01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:35,040 这下可惨了 连金身都被人家拿走 1439 01:03:35,480 --> 01:03:39,040 大种… 1440 01:03:42,560 --> 01:03:43,600 大种 1441 01:04:11,200 --> 01:04:13,800 [树叶的沙沙声] 1442 01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:17,880 [风声] 1443 01:04:23,040 --> 01:04:24,040 主宫 1444 01:04:24,120 --> 01:04:26,040 我一定照你的吩咐 1445 01:04:26,680 --> 01:04:28,240 帮你完成你的大业 1446 01:04:41,040 --> 01:04:42,000 [土地公]喂 1447 01:04:42,400 --> 01:04:44,080 [土地公]喂… 1448 01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:45,840 -你们不要这样嘛 -喂… 兄弟 1449 01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:48,800 怎么连这一点面子都不给 1450 01:04:49,240 --> 01:04:50,840 好歹我也是这儿当家的 1451 01:04:52,920 --> 01:04:54,840 -早跟你说过不要这么做的嘛 -怎么回事呀？ 1452 01:04:55,520 --> 01:04:57,000 里面那一票神仙说 1453 01:04:57,080 --> 01:04:58,680 这一次你跟邪魔打交道 1454 01:04:59,160 --> 01:05:01,280 他们都不愿意跟你在一起了 1455 01:05:01,360 --> 01:05:02,720 所以全都跑光了 1456 01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:04,200 这一群人是回来搬行李的 1457 01:05:04,280 --> 01:05:08,600 对不起 为了我的终身俸 只好跟着大家走了 看着办吧 1458 01:05:14,080 --> 01:05:16,600 [诡异音乐] 1459 01:05:18,320 --> 01:05:19,400 啊？ 1460 01:05:19,880 --> 01:05:22,960 搞什么鬼呀？东西呢？ 1461 01:05:23,920 --> 01:05:25,320 济癫 那个金身呢？ 1462 01:05:27,680 --> 01:05:29,320 你死定了 惹这么大的祸 1463 01:05:33,160 --> 01:05:35,280 糟了 土地公也不见了 1464 01:05:35,360 --> 01:05:37,280 这次祸闯大了 1465 01:05:54,160 --> 01:05:55,320 师父 你要到哪里去？ 1466 01:05:55,400 --> 01:05:57,440 济癫 我早跟你说过 1467 01:05:57,520 --> 01:05:59,320 那个金身是不能离开寺庙 1468 01:05:59,400 --> 01:06:01,160 现在弄得人神共愤 1469 01:06:01,240 --> 01:06:03,200 我怎么担得起呀？ 1470 01:06:03,800 --> 01:06:05,160 师父 快走吧 1471 01:06:05,240 --> 01:06:07,000 -说不定雷劈下来就倒了 -师父… 1472 01:06:07,080 --> 01:06:08,040 [爆炸声] 1473 01:06:14,600 --> 01:06:15,680 连你也怪我？ 1474 01:06:15,800 --> 01:06:17,800 [和尚]走了… 1475 01:06:18,040 --> 01:06:19,000 你还原 1476 01:06:20,920 --> 01:06:23,280 [沉重的音乐] 1477 01:06:25,560 --> 01:06:27,560 真的是逼我走绝路 1478 01:06:32,240 --> 01:06:33,240 [男子]小玉 1479 01:06:33,440 --> 01:06:35,400 小玉 听说你昨天晚上被天爷搞翻 1480 01:06:35,480 --> 01:06:36,720 是不是真的？ 1481 01:06:37,720 --> 01:06:38,920 她不理我 1482 01:06:39,000 --> 01:06:40,960 -有什么了不起 -太惨了 我们找小红算了 1483 01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:42,040 [小玉]等一等 1484 01:06:43,400 --> 01:06:44,560 叫我呀 小玉姐？ 1485 01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:46,240 我不收你们的钱 你们肯不肯要我 1486 01:06:46,520 --> 01:06:48,680 -好呀 我们马上就来 -我也要… 1487 01:06:48,840 --> 01:06:49,720 她先叫我的 1488 01:06:49,800 --> 01:06:50,920 -我先 -什么时候轮到你们 1489 01:06:51,000 --> 01:06:52,000 -我先 -我先 1490 01:06:52,600 --> 01:06:53,520 [惊讶声] 1491 01:07:06,280 --> 01:07:09,040 你告诉我 要怎么样你才开心？ [气喘吁吁] 1492 01:07:09,120 --> 01:07:10,080 嫁给你 [气喘吁吁] 1493 01:07:10,160 --> 01:07:11,160 别开玩笑 1494 01:07:11,480 --> 01:07:12,440 嫁给你 1495 01:07:12,520 --> 01:07:13,560 你是不是嫁给了我 1496 01:07:13,640 --> 01:07:14,720 就不再做野鸡了？ 1497 01:07:14,800 --> 01:07:16,320 -不做 -真的吗？ 1498 01:07:16,400 --> 01:07:17,400 是真的 1499 01:07:17,480 --> 01:07:18,520 娶了 1500 01:07:23,960 --> 01:07:26,320 我是降龙罗汉 法号济癫和尚 1501 01:07:26,880 --> 01:07:28,640 今天愿娶白小玉为妻 1502 01:07:28,720 --> 01:07:31,200 无论前世种种 今生何样 1503 01:07:31,880 --> 01:07:33,080 此生永不言悔 1504 01:07:33,560 --> 01:07:35,080 [惊喜大叫] 1505 01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:37,720 [喜极而泣] 1506 01:07:38,960 --> 01:07:40,760 但是我一双玉臂千人枕 1507 01:07:40,840 --> 01:07:43,240 半点朱唇万客尝 你也… 1508 01:07:43,320 --> 01:07:44,480 不要紧 我承受得了 1509 01:07:44,720 --> 01:07:46,040 耶！ 1510 01:07:46,480 --> 01:07:47,800 你真的爱我？ 1511 01:07:48,160 --> 01:07:49,120 我…我好爱你呀 1512 01:07:49,200 --> 01:07:50,840 你爱我有多深？ 1513 01:07:52,240 --> 01:07:53,360 就好像爱大种一样 1514 01:07:56,240 --> 01:07:57,400 跟大种一样？ 1515 01:07:57,480 --> 01:07:58,400 是呀 1516 01:07:58,800 --> 01:07:59,800 那你爱谁多一点？ 1517 01:07:59,880 --> 01:08:00,880 一样呀 1518 01:08:02,240 --> 01:08:03,520 我好怕 1519 01:08:03,600 --> 01:08:05,600 -你爱他比爱我多一点 -不…一样 1520 01:08:05,760 --> 01:08:07,320 耶！ 1521 01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:10,160 怎么你不开心呀？ 1522 01:08:10,440 --> 01:08:11,800 耶！ 1523 01:08:11,880 --> 01:08:14,240 -好棒呀 拜堂吧 -好 1524 01:08:14,480 --> 01:08:16,720 拜完堂我们就马上圆房 1525 01:08:16,800 --> 01:08:17,920 -要快一点 -立刻生孩子 1526 01:08:18,000 --> 01:08:19,120 我怕来不及了 1527 01:08:19,200 --> 01:08:20,319 干嘛来不及？ 1528 01:08:21,479 --> 01:08:24,160 如果我们神仙跟凡人结合的话 1529 01:08:24,640 --> 01:08:26,479 天庭就会惩罚我 1530 01:08:26,560 --> 01:08:28,279 慢慢的就会变成一块木头了 1531 01:08:29,040 --> 01:08:30,560 不许你说这种话 1532 01:08:30,640 --> 01:08:31,680 [惊吓声] 1533 01:08:33,399 --> 01:08:34,840 啊！你的脚… 1534 01:08:40,960 --> 01:08:41,880 变了 1535 01:08:41,960 --> 01:08:44,000 臭小子 你在骗我的 对不对？ 1536 01:08:44,080 --> 01:08:46,080 我…现在不要谈这些 1537 01:08:46,160 --> 01:08:47,319 快点 我们先拜堂吧 1538 01:08:47,399 --> 01:08:48,520 我嫁给一个木头人干嘛 1539 01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:49,720 你当我白痴呀 1540 01:08:51,560 --> 01:08:53,319 没关系… [叹气] 1541 01:08:53,800 --> 01:08:55,479 只要你不要反悔不嫁就行了 1542 01:08:55,560 --> 01:08:56,800 我嫁你妈 1543 01:08:56,880 --> 01:08:58,000 你发过誓的 1544 01:08:58,080 --> 01:08:59,560 -是你发的誓 -那！ 1545 01:09:00,560 --> 01:09:01,640 我不管你嫁不嫁 1546 01:09:01,720 --> 01:09:03,160 反正你不可以再当妓女了 1547 01:09:04,439 --> 01:09:06,080 -用不着你管 -你！ 1548 01:09:06,160 --> 01:09:07,800 臭娘儿们 你耍我是不是？ 1549 01:09:08,240 --> 01:09:10,479 没错 我是在耍你 1550 01:09:11,319 --> 01:09:12,399 神仙了不起吗？ 1551 01:09:13,319 --> 01:09:14,880 你对我一点感情都没有 1552 01:09:14,960 --> 01:09:15,960 你以为我不知道 1553 01:09:16,040 --> 01:09:17,279 我什么都知道 1554 01:09:21,399 --> 01:09:22,399 [筋疲力尽的叹气] 1555 01:09:23,560 --> 01:09:24,960 这一次我输了 1556 01:09:26,160 --> 01:09:27,399 什么都没有了 1557 01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,399 真的什么都没有了 1558 01:09:30,640 --> 01:09:32,520 [悲伤的音乐] 1559 01:09:34,080 --> 01:09:35,840 既然你不要我 1560 01:09:36,399 --> 01:09:38,479 这一辈子我再也不要什么爱情了 [悲伤欲绝] 1561 01:09:38,560 --> 01:09:39,880 不要！ 1562 01:09:43,160 --> 01:09:44,640 我再也不要爱情 1563 01:09:45,160 --> 01:09:46,080 [痛苦声] 1564 01:09:49,479 --> 01:09:50,760 我再也不要爱情 1565 01:10:09,760 --> 01:10:11,640 [妓女]救命呀… 1566 01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:14,760 救命呀… 1567 01:10:18,800 --> 01:10:20,200 救命啊 1568 01:10:20,480 --> 01:10:21,360 [砍杀声] 1569 01:10:21,440 --> 01:10:22,320 [妓女][惨叫声] 1570 01:10:22,800 --> 01:10:23,960 [暴雨雷鸣声] 1571 01:10:24,040 --> 01:10:27,320 杀了你就刚好储足了 七七四十九人的血 1572 01:10:33,440 --> 01:10:35,920 我现在就拿济公金身浸下去 1573 01:10:36,000 --> 01:10:37,600 就算他找到了 武功也已经全废 1574 01:10:38,080 --> 01:10:40,560 [雷声] 1575 01:10:45,240 --> 01:10:47,360 终于出现了吧 不过已经没有用了 1576 01:10:47,440 --> 01:10:48,960 就像只死狗一样 1577 01:10:50,440 --> 01:10:52,760 天字派的出来 1578 01:10:52,840 --> 01:10:54,360 [庄严的音乐] 1579 01:10:54,440 --> 01:10:55,480 [树叶沙沙声] 1580 01:10:55,560 --> 01:10:57,000 [风声] 1581 01:11:01,200 --> 01:11:03,000 -[屋顶破洞声] -[神奇法术音效] 1582 01:11:05,200 --> 01:11:08,560 -[喊叫声] -[雷声] 1583 01:11:12,480 --> 01:11:13,800 罗汉压顶 1584 01:11:13,880 --> 01:11:15,400 天将援助 1585 01:11:16,080 --> 01:11:16,960 [撞击声] 1586 01:11:20,880 --> 01:11:22,000 把那个王八蛋给我抓过来 1587 01:11:22,080 --> 01:11:24,160 -[破风声] -[功夫叱喝声] 1588 01:11:34,320 --> 01:11:35,320 哼 1589 01:11:35,680 --> 01:11:38,800 九世恶人 我看是你硬还是我厉害 1590 01:11:39,280 --> 01:11:40,640 你是打不死我的 1591 01:11:40,720 --> 01:11:41,880 [雷声] 1592 01:11:41,960 --> 01:11:43,040 是吗？ 1593 01:11:48,440 --> 01:11:50,680 -我打… -[捶打声] 1594 01:11:50,760 --> 01:11:52,320 [痛苦叫声] 1595 01:11:52,800 --> 01:11:53,720 打死你… 1596 01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:57,200 [降龙][发力狂叫] 1597 01:11:58,920 --> 01:12:01,320 [袁霸天][痛苦尖叫] 1598 01:12:04,960 --> 01:12:06,200 我们跟上面谈判好了 1599 01:12:06,280 --> 01:12:07,800 只要你肯认输 再连降三级 1600 01:12:07,880 --> 01:12:09,560 你就可以再做神仙 1601 01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:11,400 现在时间不多了 快点回去吧 1602 01:12:11,480 --> 01:12:13,240 -我把他先给解决了 -那就快点 1603 01:12:13,920 --> 01:12:15,920 王八蛋 我早该杀了你 1604 01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:17,000 要不然也不会死这么多人 1605 01:12:18,240 --> 01:12:19,640 [阴森的音乐] 1606 01:12:20,080 --> 01:12:21,120 黑罗刹的皮？ 1607 01:12:21,920 --> 01:12:24,360 主宫帮我换了一个千年不死的心 1608 01:12:25,800 --> 01:12:27,280 你们是弄不死我的 1609 01:12:28,040 --> 01:12:29,960 [大笑] 1610 01:12:30,760 --> 01:12:31,920 [痛苦大叫] 1611 01:12:32,800 --> 01:12:34,840 看清楚 你的千年不死心 1612 01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:36,160 [惊讶声] 1613 01:12:37,080 --> 01:12:39,880 石头？怎么会这样？ 1614 01:12:40,440 --> 01:12:42,880 [痛苦叫声] 1615 01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:45,880 主宫 [痛苦大叫] 1616 01:12:46,320 --> 01:12:48,880 [伏虎] 他不但让你死心 而且还对他塌地呢 1617 01:12:49,400 --> 01:12:52,040 主宫 你骗我 1618 01:12:52,600 --> 01:12:53,800 骗你就骗你 1619 01:12:54,240 --> 01:12:55,960 像你这种傻瓜 不骗你骗谁呀 1620 01:12:56,040 --> 01:12:57,600 黑罗刹有什么阴谋 快说 1621 01:12:57,680 --> 01:12:59,080 骗我 1622 01:12:59,160 --> 01:13:00,280 说 不然我劈你 1623 01:13:00,360 --> 01:13:03,240 不要 好 我说 1624 01:13:04,640 --> 01:13:08,480 当年佛祖为了不让黑罗刹上人间去 1625 01:13:08,560 --> 01:13:10,320 就把他的权杖 1626 01:13:10,840 --> 01:13:12,920 放在国清寺的观音下面 1627 01:13:13,400 --> 01:13:14,640 骗你的金身 1628 01:13:14,720 --> 01:13:16,480 搞到所有的神仙全跑光了 1629 01:13:16,880 --> 01:13:18,640 这都是他的奸计 1630 01:13:19,320 --> 01:13:22,520 目的就是要国清寺没有神力的庇护 1631 01:13:24,480 --> 01:13:28,280 他就趁着今天晚上月蚀至阴的时候 1632 01:13:29,320 --> 01:13:30,880 取回他的权杖 1633 01:13:30,960 --> 01:13:32,280 那会死很多人了 1634 01:13:32,360 --> 01:13:34,960 -[雷电声] -[神奇音效] 1635 01:13:36,440 --> 01:13:38,160 阿龙 没有时间了 1636 01:13:38,240 --> 01:13:39,240 再不回到上面去 1637 01:13:39,320 --> 01:13:40,960 我们三个都要留在凡间卖槟榔了 1638 01:13:41,040 --> 01:13:41,880 快走 1639 01:13:42,280 --> 01:13:46,320 好难过 把心还给我 我不想死 1640 01:13:46,400 --> 01:13:47,480 你不想死？ 1641 01:13:47,960 --> 01:13:50,080 大种乞丐 这里的几十条人命 1642 01:13:50,160 --> 01:13:51,520 难道他们该死吗？ [怒斥声] 1643 01:13:52,640 --> 01:13:54,080 你的那条命早就没了 1644 01:13:55,120 --> 01:13:56,760 就算把这块烂石头拿回去 1645 01:13:56,840 --> 01:13:59,120 还是一样做黑罗刹的傀儡 1646 01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:01,360 继续滥杀无辜 你是不是想这么做 1647 01:14:01,440 --> 01:14:03,480 是的话你就拿回去吧 拿 1648 01:14:14,480 --> 01:14:16,840 下辈子不要再让我做人 1649 01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:20,600 [痛苦大叫] 1650 01:14:31,200 --> 01:14:32,200 搞定 1651 01:14:32,360 --> 01:14:33,760 走了… 1652 01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:34,880 还不行 1653 01:14:34,960 --> 01:14:36,880 你疯了 现在不走就没有机会了 1654 01:14:36,960 --> 01:14:39,240 黑罗刹是罪魁祸首 我要摆平他 1655 01:14:39,320 --> 01:14:40,640 -你们先走吧 -[伏虎]降龙 1656 01:14:40,720 --> 01:14:41,800 来不及了 1657 01:14:41,880 --> 01:14:45,720 [伏虎]降龙… 1658 01:14:48,200 --> 01:14:51,720 [月黑风高的音效] 1659 01:14:51,800 --> 01:14:54,280 [门被吹动的声音] 1660 01:15:10,600 --> 01:15:11,520 真的在这里 1661 01:15:13,160 --> 01:15:14,320 我现在跟你佛法加持 1662 01:15:14,400 --> 01:15:16,080 将我十三世的修为全放在你身上 1663 01:15:16,160 --> 01:15:17,840 今晚全靠你了 你知道吗？ 1664 01:15:17,920 --> 01:15:19,480 -[金身]来吧 -好 1665 01:15:34,720 --> 01:15:37,800 [捣锤砸的声音] 1666 01:15:49,600 --> 01:15:51,680 [大风声] 1667 01:15:52,160 --> 01:15:54,160 [门吱呀吱呀地响] 1668 01:16:15,760 --> 01:16:16,680 哇 1669 01:16:18,960 --> 01:16:20,280 [痛苦的叫声] 1670 01:16:38,680 --> 01:16:40,080 哎呀 糟了 1671 01:16:44,680 --> 01:16:47,440 [降龙][尖叫] 1672 01:16:49,800 --> 01:16:50,800 [发力的叫声] 1673 01:16:58,080 --> 01:17:00,280 [屋顶散落声] 1674 01:17:06,400 --> 01:17:09,280 [黑罗刹][沉重的脚步声] 1675 01:17:15,120 --> 01:17:16,680 [房屋摧毁声] 1676 01:17:21,040 --> 01:17:24,680 [沉重脚步声] 1677 01:17:42,640 --> 01:17:45,080 [房屋毁坏声] 1678 01:17:57,560 --> 01:17:58,600 [惊吓声] 1679 01:17:58,680 --> 01:18:00,520 -济癫 -师父 1680 01:18:00,600 --> 01:18:01,520 济癫 1681 01:18:01,600 --> 01:18:02,920 师父 1682 01:18:03,000 --> 01:18:05,440 我们又见面了 快走吧 1683 01:18:05,520 --> 01:18:06,520 [黑罗刹][怒吼声] 1684 01:18:06,920 --> 01:18:09,280 [黑罗刹][恐怖发力声] 1685 01:18:11,760 --> 01:18:13,160 师父 你干嘛来这里呀？ 1686 01:18:13,240 --> 01:18:14,480 我不应该在最危急的关头 1687 01:18:14,560 --> 01:18:16,640 -把你一个人留在寺庙里面 -你知道我处境危险你干嘛回来找我 1688 01:18:19,080 --> 01:18:21,320 -因为我一直最欣赏的人就是你 -[黑罗刹][怒吼声] 1689 01:18:22,720 --> 01:18:23,840 快走 1690 01:18:28,000 --> 01:18:30,200 师父 我的金身所剩无几 1691 01:18:30,280 --> 01:18:31,560 只有使出最后一招 1692 01:18:31,640 --> 01:18:33,000 将剩下来的金粉打入黑罗刹身体 1693 01:18:33,080 --> 01:18:34,440 才能制服他 1694 01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:36,120 金身耗尽 你也会被毁灭 1695 01:18:36,200 --> 01:18:37,560 顾不了这么多了 1696 01:18:37,720 --> 01:18:39,080 那你怎么打入他体内？ 1697 01:18:39,160 --> 01:18:41,160 只有麻烦你把他的嘴张开 1698 01:18:41,480 --> 01:18:42,480 -这么简单？ -行不行？ 1699 01:18:42,680 --> 01:18:43,680 当然不行 1700 01:18:43,760 --> 01:18:45,360 [黑罗刹][怒吼声] 1701 01:18:48,320 --> 01:18:49,800 哎呀 1702 01:18:54,000 --> 01:18:55,920 师父…你怎么了？ 1703 01:18:56,400 --> 01:18:57,440 我的钵 1704 01:18:58,040 --> 01:18:59,040 啊？ 1705 01:18:59,480 --> 01:19:00,320 金粉呢？ 1706 01:19:00,400 --> 01:19:01,320 师父 你该不会是… 1707 01:19:01,400 --> 01:19:03,320 是呀 我全吞下去了 1708 01:19:03,400 --> 01:19:06,080 啊？在这么危急的关头你居然… 1709 01:19:06,480 --> 01:19:07,720 我也不愿意呀 1710 01:19:07,800 --> 01:19:10,280 吞了这些金粉 我肚子觉得怪怪的 1711 01:19:10,360 --> 01:19:11,480 [怒吼声] 1712 01:19:11,560 --> 01:19:13,520 [发力践踏声] 1713 01:19:20,080 --> 01:19:22,200 师父 你快点想想办法 把金粉拉出来 1714 01:19:22,280 --> 01:19:23,680 我长期便秘呀 1715 01:19:28,640 --> 01:19:31,000 我想起来了 金身还有两只金牙在我嘴里 1716 01:19:33,520 --> 01:19:34,520 给 1717 01:19:36,560 --> 01:19:37,760 师父 你偷东西？ 1718 01:19:37,840 --> 01:19:39,640 嘘 我没牙 借用一下嘛 1719 01:19:39,720 --> 01:19:40,680 去死啊 1720 01:19:40,760 --> 01:19:41,880 撑不住了 1721 01:19:41,960 --> 01:19:43,560 师父 帮我最后一个忙 1722 01:19:43,640 --> 01:19:45,200 想办法把他嘴巴张开 1723 01:19:49,160 --> 01:19:51,520 [住持] 我决定使出浑身解数来收拾你 1724 01:19:52,440 --> 01:19:53,320 我好怕呀 1725 01:19:53,400 --> 01:19:55,440 怕了吧？ [自信的笑] 1726 01:19:55,800 --> 01:19:58,160 跪下磕三个响头 我就饶了你 1727 01:19:58,320 --> 01:20:04,280 [大笑] 1728 01:20:04,560 --> 01:20:05,480 [降龙]笑得好过瘾嘛 1729 01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:07,600 济癫 1730 01:20:11,880 --> 01:20:13,760 济癫… 1731 01:20:13,840 --> 01:20:14,800 [痛苦叫声] 1732 01:20:14,880 --> 01:20:17,320 [开裂声] 1733 01:20:19,640 --> 01:20:21,120 [爆炸声] 1734 01:20:22,200 --> 01:20:23,760 [临死的尖叫] 1735 01:20:50,000 --> 01:20:52,640 阿弥陀佛 1736 01:20:52,720 --> 01:20:58,640 南无阿弥陀佛 1737 01:21:12,040 --> 01:21:14,800 [王母]早就说了嘛 他一定会输的 1738 01:21:14,880 --> 01:21:17,640 -[王母]我都说他输定了 -[仙人]肯定的 1739 01:21:17,720 --> 01:21:18,960 输定？ 1740 01:21:19,040 --> 01:21:20,880 何以大家都这样认为 1741 01:21:21,400 --> 01:21:24,560 就像大种乞丐 本来还有二十多年的饭可以讨 1742 01:21:24,640 --> 01:21:25,720 现在不但死了 临死还是个乞丐 1743 01:21:25,800 --> 01:21:28,840 还有啊 他害得那个野鸡刮破了脸 好可怜 1744 01:21:28,920 --> 01:21:30,640 还有袁霸天那件事就更惨了 1745 01:21:30,720 --> 01:21:33,240 临死之前还多伤了几十条人命 1746 01:21:33,320 --> 01:21:36,040 你说这个… 该怎么说呢？ 1747 01:21:36,120 --> 01:21:37,640 -失败 -失败呀 1748 01:21:37,720 --> 01:21:40,240 何止失败呀 如果那天让我跟他单挑 打败了他 1749 01:21:40,320 --> 01:21:41,480 就不会让他弄得一团糟了 1750 01:21:41,560 --> 01:21:43,640 [王母]你算了吧 整天都说单挑 1751 01:21:44,560 --> 01:21:46,320 虽然大种是冤枉死的 1752 01:21:46,680 --> 01:21:47,720 不过在他临死之前 1753 01:21:47,800 --> 01:21:49,320 起码知道自己叫朱大常 1754 01:21:49,640 --> 01:21:51,640 那就是他重新得回他的自尊 1755 01:21:52,280 --> 01:21:53,400 你们看看 1756 01:21:54,000 --> 01:21:54,920 [众仙]有戏看 1757 01:21:55,040 --> 01:21:56,600 这一辈子他不用再做乞丐 1758 01:22:07,400 --> 01:22:10,120 [观音]小玉的脸虽然花了 1759 01:22:10,200 --> 01:22:14,040 但是她再也不做野鸡 而是真正的在卖豆腐 1760 01:22:14,120 --> 01:22:15,960 至于无恶不作的袁霸天 1761 01:22:16,040 --> 01:22:19,640 大家都知道 他在临死前的忏悔是不想再做人 1762 01:22:20,440 --> 01:22:22,920 现在他已经转入轮回了 1763 01:22:23,560 --> 01:22:27,400 -今世做猪 前途一片光明 -嗯 1764 01:22:27,480 --> 01:22:28,560 请大家想一想 1765 01:22:28,920 --> 01:22:31,280 降龙究竟是输还是赢呢？ 1766 01:22:31,360 --> 01:22:32,560 [众仙]这个… 1767 01:22:32,640 --> 01:22:36,160 不管怎么样 降龙罗汉已经不存在了 1768 01:22:36,320 --> 01:22:37,400 [众仙][惊讶声] 1769 01:22:37,480 --> 01:22:40,680 你掉了武器 幸好我帮你捡回来 1770 01:22:40,760 --> 01:22:43,120 不过又多了一个降龙尊者 1771 01:22:46,600 --> 01:22:47,920 [仙人]你怎么会在这里的 1772 01:22:48,000 --> 01:22:50,160 [仙人]不会吧 他都可以当尊者 1773 01:22:50,240 --> 01:22:53,160 一不小心就升级了 [得意的笑] 1774 01:22:56,080 --> 01:22:57,520 加冕仪式开始 1775 01:23:26,000 --> 01:23:27,120 [喜极而泣] 1776 01:23:31,880 --> 01:23:33,600 -恭喜你 -谢谢 1777 01:23:52,560 --> 01:23:55,080 [观音]降龙 今天你成为降龙尊者 1778 01:23:55,160 --> 01:23:56,640 有什么感想？ 1779 01:23:57,040 --> 01:23:58,640 [降龙]我想成为一位和平使者 1780 01:23:58,720 --> 01:24:00,280 代表天宫向凡间宣扬爱心 1781 01:24:00,360 --> 01:24:03,880 让他们明白 只要有爱 哪里都是天堂 110898

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