All language subtitles for Gomer Pyle U S M C S05E20 Freddys Friendly Computer 1080p BluRay FLAC2 0 H 264-BTN_track5_[eng]

[marching band plays]

[male announcer] Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton
as Sergeant Carter.

Here it is, boys,
change your luck and your life.

Let the computer help you find
the girl of your dreams.

Read it, young man.
Here we go, son. Read this.

Let science help you find the perfect...

- Well, hey, Mr. Freddy.
- Hi. Uh, don't tell me.

Don't tell me,
it's on the tip of my tongue.

- Um, what is it?
- Gomer Pyle.

Oh, Gomer Pyle. How are you?

Read this, Gomer, make you a happy man.

What is it?

Well, I'm in
the computer dating service now.

You fill out a card, put it in the machine
and it finds the perfect mate for you.

Oh, well, I don't need this. I've already
found the perfect mate, Lou-Ann Poovie.

Yeah, but did you find her scientifically?

You know, we're finding perfect mates
these days scientifically.

Now, you read that, it's educational.

- Oh, I don't really think that I need...
- Computers, computers, my boy.

It's the coming thing.
It eliminates all the guesswork.

No more long engagements.

Science can show you how
to find the perfect partner for you.

Now, read it, read it. Read it.

- Hey, Lou-Ann.
- Well, hey, Gomer.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.
When's the last time you seen that?

[gasps] Beef jerky! But where
on earth did you ever find that?

I was passing this Army-Navy store
and there it was.

Well, that's just wonderful. I love it.

I do, too, and I knew you would.
Let's take it to the movie with us.

Hey, that's a real good idea.

I like it a whole lot better
than licorice.

It's a lot more nourishing for you, too.

- Where would you like to eat tonight?
- Oh, I don't care.

- Want to go to Chicken Heaven?
- If you'd like.

- Or maybe you'd rather have Italian.
- Well, that's good, too.

Or Chinese.

I like them all. Oh, my goodness,
now I'm really confused.

What we need's one of them computer
machines to help us decide where to eat.

What?

Well, as I was leaving the base today,
I ran into that Mr. Friendly Freddy.

You'll never believe what he's doing now.

"Let Science Help You
Find the Perfect Mate."

I think that's the silliest business
he's been in yet.

Imagine having a computer get you a date
with a girl

that's supposed to be perfect for you.
Isn't that silly?

Well, now, I don't know, Gomer.

Lots of people believe
in this sort of thing.

It's supposed to be very scientific.
Why, computers are the coming thing.

Well, that's what Mr. Freddy said.

Well, yes, they use them
to help forecast elections,

and the space program, and...

Hey, Gomer, you know what
I think would be real fun?

- What?
- Well, if you filled out that application

- and took it to the computer.
- Why?

Well, to see what kind of girl you'd get.

Lou-Ann, I'm not interested
in any other girls.

As far as I'm concerned,
you're the perfect girl for me.

Gomer, that's sweet, but...
well, aren't you curious?

- Not really.
- Well, I am.

I'd be real curious to find what kind
of girl that computer would pick for you.

- But, Lou-Ann, I...
- Oh, Gomer, please do it. It'll be fun.

- Well, I don't...
- Oh, come on, Gomer. Do it.

Come on, please, do it for me.

You didn't get the rent check?

Well, it's probably
a malfunction in the mails.

Uh, Mr. Halloran, let me call you back.
I've got somebody in the office now.

Yeah, okay.

Well, well, well, Homer,
what brings you here?

Uh, Gomer.

Uh, I guess I came
to try out the computer.

Well, great! Terrific!

Let me tell you, my boy,
you'll never be sorry.

Did you bring the application card?

- Oh. Uh-huh, and it's all filled out.
- Good, that saves time.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, this seems in order.
Are you ready for the big step?

What do you say we put this into
the computer and see what comes out, huh?

Well, I guess we might as well.

All right, then you stay there. We'll feed
this information into the computer.

Round and round she goes,
and where she stops, nobody knows.

[laughs] Right? Right.

You stay there now, don't move.

Pst! Look alive, sweetheart,
we got a customer.

- It's about time!
- Shh!

[whispers] It's about time.
I don't know about this deal, Freddy,

it's not working out like you said.

You know I gave up my seniority
at the bakery to come here.

- A girl with your talent...
- And the smell was better, too.

- Give it a chance. We just started.
- Well, all right. What's he like?

Here's his application. Take a look.

Just be a minute. I'm feeding it
into the computer now.

All right.

Study that while I give him
a little atmosphere.

I'm studying, I'm studying.

[machine whirring]

- [whispers] Hurry!
- I'm hurrying.

It's working on your case right now,
Gomer. Have the answer in a minute.

Okay.

- You ready?
- Yeah, I think so.

I'm wearing this yellow dress
cause it's his favorite color.

Good, good, go, go, go.

- I'm going.
- Go, go!

Uh, sorry to keep you waiting.
But here it is, we've got your answer.

- You have?
- Yes, sir.

And has the computer got a girl for you.
Whoo!

I think you hit the jackpot.
Listen to this, Gomer.

"Five-foot-four, blues eyes, blonde hair,

terrific figure,
completed the eighth grade."

Absolutely perfect for you.

Well, I don't know.

Her name is Ellie Hofsteder. I guess
you're anxious to meet her, right?

Well, not really.

But I guess I ought to see her,
so's I can tell Lou-Ann what she's like.

Yeah, yeah, I think I can arrange that.

[southern accent] Howdy do, Mr. Freddy.

Hi. Because...

Why, this...
[stammers] this is incredible.

Gomer, do you know who this is?

- No, I don't.
- This is Ellie. Ellie Hofsteder.

- Well, for goodness sakes. Really?
- Yeah.

Ellie, this is Gomer Pyle,

who the computer picked
not 30 seconds ago,

out of all the names in our files,
as your perfect mate.

Oh, for goodness sakes! Really?

[Freddy] Isn't science marvelous?

I mean, both came to my office
at practically the same time.

It just shows you how much
in tune you two people are.

Hey, Mr. Pyle. How you are?

Hey, Miss Hofsteder.

Excuse me, but you two people sound like

you're from the same part
of the country. Are you?

Oh, well, I'm from a little town
in North Carolina

I'm sure nobody ever heard of.

About a hundred miles from Mayberry.

A hundred miles from Mayberry?

You ain't from Cyler City, are you?

Yes, how'd you know?

Well, I just guessed.

You see, I'm from Mayberry.

[gasps] Oh, for goodness sakes alive.
You don't mean it.

- This is all kind of spooky, isn't it?
- It sure is.

This is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Why don't you two go out and have lunch
or something, get better acquainted, huh?

Oh, I would enjoy some lunch.

I just missed my breakfast completely.

Well, sure. Go on, go on.

Okay, Miss Hofsteder, you ready?

Oh, you can call me Ellie.
And I'll call you Gomer.

- Well, all right.
- [Freddy] Oh, uh, Pyle?

I hate to mention it at a time like this,
but that'll be ten dollars.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Well, that certainly does sound fantastic.

And then what happened next?

I mean, after you found out that
Miss Hofsteder was from North Carolina?

Huh? Oh, well, then Mr. Freddy
suggested we go have some lunch.

You took her to a restaurant?

Oh, no, there was this little
lunch truck on the street,

so we just stopped and had a hot dog.

It really was a strange experience,
and kind of interesting,

but that's all over and done with.

What movie would you like to see tonight?

Gomer, uh, what did you talk about?

With Ellie?

- Oh, we just talked...
- Ellie?

Uh-huh,
that's Miss Hofsteder's first name.

Hey, Lou-Ann, would you rather see
The Dancing Pimpernel or Seal Island?

Gomer, you still haven't told me
what you talked about.

Oh, you know, just things that
we both like and have in common.

Well, like what?

Oh, well, like hot dogs
with mayonnaise and relish.

Gomer...

Are you going to see her again?

Well, no, Lou-Ann.
I'm not interested in her.

Just because we both like hot dogs
with mayonnaise and relish

and she happened to wear a yellow dress,
which is my favorite color,

don't mean that we were meant
for each other.

Well, I certainly think that you
ought to see her for a second time.

Well, no, Lou-Ann.
I didn't want to see her a first time.

That was your idea.

No, Gomer, my idea was
to conduct a scientific experiment,

not to have you dine with Miss Hofsteder.

But it was just two hot dogs
at a lunch wagon.

Well, seeing as how you found
all these things in common

and you got along so famously,
I think you owe it to yourself

and to Miss Hofsteder
and to me to see her again.

Huh?

Well, suppose later on,
you and I happened to get married,

you'd never forgive yourself or me.

I mean, there was Miss Right
waiting for you

as the computer told you,
and you passed her by.

But, Lou-Ann,
I've already found Miss Right.

And I think you ought to be sure.
It's the only fair thing to do.

Fair to you, and fair to me,
and certainly fair to Miss Hofsteder.

Ellie.

Malingering, Pyle.
That's what they call it in the book,

and that's what you're doing.

Goldbricking, goofing off.
You're moping around like a sick cat.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

Now, you got a personal problem,
let's hear it.

Well, I'd rather not talk about it,
Sergeant.

Well, I would. Let's get it out
in the open. Let's hear it.

- Well, it has to do with Lou-Ann.
- Yeah?

Well, she wants me to go out
with Ellie Hofsteder.

Who is Ellie Hofsteder?

Well, she's the girl that Mr. Freddy's
computer picked for me.

What?

It's that Friendly Freddy's
latest gimmick.

He's got a computer machine
that finds the perfect mate for you.

You gotta be kidding.

Pyle, you are really stupid.

When are you gonna learn that anything
that Friendly Freddy is mixed-up in

has gotta be phony.
A computer machine.

I know it sounds ridiculous, Sergeant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you give him any money?

- Ten dollars.
- Ten dollars?

He gave him ten bucks
for this phony date.

- Boy.
- Okay, that does it.

I'm going down there, and I'm gonna
nail that guy once and for all.

- Good idea, Sarge.
- Give me ten bucks.

- What?
- I'm doing this for you, not for me.

You don't want me
to spend my own money, do you?

Sergeant Carter, what can I do for you?

Hello, Freddy. I hear you
got a dating service going here

with a computer and everything.

- Yeah, yeah, real scientific.
- Mm-hmm.

I wonder what ever made you decide
to go into this kind of business.

Oh, uh, two things, Sergeant.

One, you gotta keep up with the times,
and I mean the time is now.

- Computers is a now thing.
- Mm-hmm.

- And what's the other reason?
- Well, maybe I'm getting mellow,

but the fact is I'm interested in opening
a lifetime of happiness and joy

for as many lonely people as possible.

Oh, for crying out...

No, no, it's true.
Have you any idea how many

lonely people there are
in this world, Sergeant?

[slams table]

What a coincidence.

I was laying in bed last night,
and I said to myself,

"Vince Carter, you are a lonely man."

And I got up this morning,
and I filled out this card.

Now, why don't you
shoot old, lonesome Vince

through your computer and see if you can
find some of that happiness for me?

Yeah. Absolutely, Sergeant.
Sheesh. How you never know.

Now, to me, you look like a man
whose phone never stops ringing

and whose dance card is always filled.
How you never know.

Compute. Compute.

[whispering] Quick,
study this and get out there.

And if you ever thought of being great,
make it now.

- [whispering] Why, who's out there?
- Shh. Just get out there.

Make it Babe Stanton this time.

- Babe Stanton?
- Yeah.

- Excuse me, Sergeant, is anyone here?
- Huh?

Oh... uh, yeah. Freddy's in the back.

Fine. Are you signed up
with this dating bureau?

Are you kidding? No chance.

And if you want some free advice,
you won't get mixed up with it either.

Oh, but I already am.
I joined last week,

just as soon as I came here from Wichita.

Wichita? Is that where you're from?

- Yes. Why?
- That's my hometown.

- Oh, isn't that a coincidence?
- Yeah.

That's why I became a member here, because
it can get so lonely in a new town.

Why, if I didn't have my bowling...

- Bowling? Do you bowl?
- Oh, yes.

I have my own ball and everything.

No kidding?

Well, Sergeant,
I got your answer right here. And the...

Oh, I'm sorry. Can I help you?

Oh, I guess you don't remember me.
I was in last weekend.

- I'm Babe Stanton.
- Babe Stanton?

Oh, no, you're not going to believe this.

- What?
- You're not going to believe it

- I don't blame you.
- What? What?

Sergeant, the computer just matched your
card with this girl right here,

Babe Stanton.

Oh, you must be kidding.

[Freddy] Now wait,
now you're putting me on.

You two know one another
and you're playing a joke on me, huh?

- I'll just tear up these two cards.
- No, wait!

What are you talking about? We never met.

Oh, Babe Stanton, Vince Carter.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Well, the computer certainly
was right about one thing.

- I've always admired military men.
- Oh, yeah?

Oh, yes, they're so forceful
and masculine.

I mean, I like a man who's a real man.

- Someone who can take charge.
- [chuckles]

I guess you got a point there.

Say, do you happen
to be doing anything tonight?

As a matter of fact, I'm not.

Great!

- Isn't this fantastic... Sergeant?
- Huh?

I hate to mention this,
but that'll be ten bucks.

Oh. Oh, yes. Sure.

Say, Babe, uh, do you like tacos?

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh. And beer?

- Right out of the can.
- Just like me! Holy smokes!

But, Sarge, you went down there
to expose the whole thing.

- I know, I know, but facts is facts.
- Oh, come on, Sarge.

Look, how do you explain the fact
we had so much in common?

- It was probably a coincidence.
- But she liked everything about me.

She even loves the smell of a cigar.

Except last night she had a slight cold
and it bothered her.

- No kidding?
- Yeah, and listen to this.

We stopped to get something to eat
on the way back from the beach, you know?

Guess what she ordered. Soup.

A cup, not a bowl. Huh? Huh?

- [Carter laughs]
- Sergeant?

Uh, yeah, Pyle, what is it?

Did you happen to go over
to Mr. Freddy's yesterday?

Well, as a matter of fact, I did, Pyle.

Well, did you find out anything?
Is he fooling us?

I'm working on it, but I've got
to do some more investigating

and see what I come up with.

Did Mr. Freddy's machine find you a girl?

Well, yeah, Pyle, but you can't find
anything out on just one date.

I got to see her again,
so I can wrap this whole thing up.

You mean, you're gonna
go out with her again?

What about Miss Bunny?

Look, Pyle, this ain't romantic,
it's scientific.

I'm doing this for you.

As a matter of fact, you ought
to do some investigating yourself.

- Me, Sergeant?
- Well, yeah.

How are we ever going to be sure
whether this thing is on the level or not

if we don't stick with it? Now, look.

Here, here's your ten bucks back.
Take that Hofsteder dame out again.

- You want me to take her out again?
- Yeah, that's right.

And this time,
remember every word she says. Take notes.

Here, here's a pencil.

But, Sergeant,
I don't want to go out again.

Well, you think I want to?
Now, look, Pyle, just do as I say,

and we'll have this thing
wrapped up in no time. Goodbye, Pyle.

Look, Slater, we gotta make sure.

You want to do what, Sergeant?

I want to take
that Babe Stanton out again tonight.

She forgot to give me her phone number.

Well, I don't know if she can.
I think she's busy tonight.

What do you mean busy?
We were both computerized.

Yeah, but she goes over
to help her poor father a lot.

He's got arthritis, poor fella.

She's got to help him
change channels on the TV.

Aw, come on, don't give me that.

Listen, you didn't give her card
to somebody else too, did you?

- [Freddy] Why, of course not.
- [Carter] Because you said the computer

picked me as the perfect match for her.
And I gave you ten bucks.

That's true, Sergeant.
You're the one and only.

Okay, then call her right now.

Well, I can't call her now,
she's working.

She works for the Red Cross,
rolling bandages.

- They're expecting a hurricane.
- What?

Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll have her
meet you here tonight, how's that?

- Huh? About 8:00?
- Okay, that's better.

- Oh, listen...
- I heard.

You know I can't see him at 8:00 tonight.

I got a date with this Gomer guy
as Ellie Hofsteder.

- So cancel it.
- Okay.

The only thing is, he said his sergeant
insisted that he see me tonight.

Well, you better not fool around
with that. See him.

But I've got to go out with the sergeant.

You better not fool around
with that either.

- So what do I do?
- The only thing you can do.

Go out with the both of them.

Are you sure you want to eat here?
It looks kind of fancy.

Oh, I'm sure you'll like it, Vince.
And we can really be alone.

[Carter chuckles]

Dinner for two?
We have a table right over here.

Oh, I think we'd like
to sit out on the terrace.

It's very private.
And I just love the ocean.

Yes, madam, if you wish,
but it's rather cool this evening.

We'll find a way to keep warm.

- [chuckles]
- This way.

[wind whistling]

[patrons yelling]

Madam.

- Monsieur.
- Thanks.

[shouting] Isn't this nice?
We're the only ones out here.

Yeah.

I think I know the reason why.

Would you excuse me a minute, Vince?
I have to powder my nose.

Yeah, oh, sure, go ahead.

Order me a sloe gin fizz.

- I thought you said you like beer.
- Okay, beer.

- [wind whistling]
- [patrons grumbling]

- Freddy, this isn't going to work,
- Shh, shh, shh.

- I just know it.
- Now, don't get panicky.

It's working like clockwork.
Pyle just came in.

Now, you keep moving between him
and the sergeant and keep them apart.

Freddy, I don't know about all this.
I really don't know.

Will you go on? He's waiting for you.

[southern accent] Hey, Gomer, there you are.

Have you been waiting long?

Oh, hey, Miss Ellie.
No, I just got here.

Oh, um, let's sit over
at this table next to the wall.

All right.

Thank you.

Isn't this nice?

Would you excuse me a minute, Gomer?
I feel like I have the shiniest nose.

And just order me
a big orange drink, please.

- [Duke] Magda. Magda.
- Duke!

[foreign accent] Uh... uh, darling,
what are you doing here?

Well, I've been calling you all day.
I finally got your roommate.

She said you were here so I came over.

But our date wasn't till tomorrow night.

I know, but seeing
as how the computer matched us,

I thought maybe we could
get together tonight, too.

- What are you doing here?
- Uh, uh...

I'm meeting my aunt who
is just arriving from Budapest.

She had such a terrible time
getting through customs.

They found fruit in her luggage
and she had to be sprayed.

Well, can we have a little drink
until she gets here?

Yes, one little drink over here
would be very private.

Duke, would you excuse me for a minute?
I have to powder my nose.

- What can I order you?
- Uh, schnapps, double schnapps.

Double schnapps. Bartender...

Hey, I was beginning to worry about you.

I'm sorry I took so long.
Is my schnapps here?

- Schnapps? You said beer.
- Of course, beer.

- Would you excuse me a moment, Vince?
- Huh? Where you going now?

- I have to powder my nose.
- But you just did that.

Magda, Magda.

Excuse me, darling.
I'll be right back.

- Do you have my big orange?
- You ordered a schnapps.

Oh, yeah, of course, schnapps.

- Excuse me, Vince.
- Vince?!

[foreign accent] Oh, Gomer, darling,
I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.

Miss Ellie, where you been?
And why are you talking so funny?

Gomer, what are you doing here?
Magda, what's going on?

- Magda? Her name's Ellie.
- What?!

This is Ellie Hofsteder, the girl I met
through Mr. Freddy's computing machine.

Well, she's the one I got matched up
with in the computer.

What's going on here?

[Gomer] I don't know, Duke.

Pyle, Slater, what are you doing here?
What is all this?

Sarge, I think we've been conned.

That Freddy character
introduced me to Magda here,

and I find her here with Gomer.

- Magda? Her name is Babe.
- No, it's Ellie.

Sarge, we've been had.
We have really been had.

[all shouting]

Not so fast, Freddy.
I told you it wouldn't work.

It's just a big mess.

I've never been so embarrassed
in my entire life.

I'm going back to the bakery!

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.

Well, gentlemen, I guess we
all learned a lesson today.

Don't depend on machines.

Machines will never replace
the human mind, the human heart.

We must put our faith in people
instead of machinery.

And why?
Because people can forgive

and machines don't know how to forgive.

And the quality of mercy is not strained.

And we must remember to forgive...

Shame, shame, shame.

I think I'm going to have the sand dabs
with a little lemon and a baked potato.

Well now, isn't that funny?

That's just exactly what I
was about to order for myself.

You see there,
we've got a lot in common.

Well, I guess we do, Gomer.

Hey, Gomer, where you
been keeping yourself?

Oh, well, uh, hey. Uh...

Lou-Ann Poovie,
this is Mr. Friendly Freddy.

You know, the computer man.

How do you do?

Uh, Gomer, about
the computer business.

I wish you wouldn't even mention it.
It was all a big mistake,

and I'd like to forget it
if you don't mind.

Oh, all right.

You see, a couple of weeks ago,
Ellie and I got engaged.

You did? You don't say.

Unfortunately, it didn't last.

Ellie decided that her career was more
important to her than marriage,

so she's back working for the Red Cross.

Oh, well, they've done
some wonderful things.

Yeah. Now all I have left

is a few memories
and this $5,000 diamond ring.

[gasps] Oh, my goodness gracious.

Why, that's just about
the most beautiful ring I ever did see.

- You really mean it?
- Uh-huh.

I'll let you have it for $29.95.

29 dollars and 95 cents for a $5,000 ring?

Okay, $22.50.