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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,822 --> 00:00:08,257
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,325 --> 00:00:11,743
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,813
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,949
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,418 --> 00:00:21,520
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,088
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,906
♪ Laugh and cry!
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00:00:24,975 --> 00:00:28,176
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:38,064
Peter, I need you
to take Chris
and Meg to school.
11
00:00:38,088 --> 00:00:40,254
Today's the day I
finally kill that squirrel
12
00:00:40,323 --> 00:00:42,285
that's been eating our tomatoes.
13
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:45,994
Try to get like
eight of them this time,
I wanna make bruschetta.
14
00:00:46,063 --> 00:00:47,646
Oh, can't the kids just walk?
15
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,516
You know I like to watch
two full movies
before I go to work.
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00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:53,352
No, Peter, they can't walk.
It's three miles.
17
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,386
Fine, I'll take 'em.
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00:00:55,455 --> 00:00:56,955
But you better
keep those goggles
19
00:00:57,007 --> 00:00:59,474
'cause I'm gonna put them
to good use tonight.
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00:01:02,112 --> 00:01:05,614
Once the floor is
full of saw dust,
we can eat peanuts in here.
21
00:01:11,621 --> 00:01:13,733
Dad, are you sure it's okay
that we took Brian's car?
22
00:01:13,757 --> 00:01:16,503
Yeah, it's his own fault.
He's the one who
keeps his key in the visor
23
00:01:16,527 --> 00:01:18,210
like a carefree hillbilly.
24
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:21,480
Okay, everybody out.
I don't want the cool kids
to know I'm your dad.
25
00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:26,796
Hey, Chris,
guess who I just scored
26
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,732
as my date to
the homecoming dance?
27
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,689
Vice Principal McGuire.
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00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,369
Really?
Yeah, her husband
just died of ALS.
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00:01:33,393 --> 00:01:35,538
So, she is ready to get at it.
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00:01:35,562 --> 00:01:37,479
Hey there, strong guy.
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00:01:37,547 --> 00:01:40,715
Not now, Brenda.
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00:01:40,784 --> 00:01:44,102
She says I have the body of
a 50-year-old
before it gets ALS.
33
00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:45,364
So, who you gonna go with?
34
00:01:45,388 --> 00:01:47,772
I was thinking of
asking Cara Morris.
35
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,792
Why don't you ask her now?
Her locker's right over there.
36
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,844
Um, yeah, okay.
37
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,697
Hi, Cara.
38
00:01:55,766 --> 00:01:57,877
I was wondering, um,
if you'd like to go
39
00:01:57,901 --> 00:01:59,696
to the homecoming dance with me.
40
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:04,323
Oh, hi, Robot from Big Hero 6.
No, but thank you.
41
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:07,459
His name is Baymax,
you gorgeous moron!
42
00:02:12,449 --> 00:02:16,835
All right, red light.
Time to text and shave
and whittle and floss.
43
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:19,838
Thanks for getting here
so quickly.
44
00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:21,884
What?
I'm sorry,
you're in a Prius.
45
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,608
I just assumed you're my Uber.
46
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:26,628
I don't know what that is
on account of being dull.
47
00:02:26,697 --> 00:02:28,692
Uber. It's like a cab
except it feels like
48
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:30,276
a game 'cause
it's from your phone.
49
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,494
Anyway, I'm late for a meeting.
50
00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:33,279
Can I just give you 20
bucks to drop me off?
51
00:02:33,303 --> 00:02:36,182
Wow, 20 bucks
just to drive you
across town?
52
00:02:36,206 --> 00:02:37,850
Maybe I should
be an Uber driver.
53
00:02:37,874 --> 00:02:39,502
I mean, I could
use the extra money.
54
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:42,343
And it's gotta be an easier
than when I was
delivering pizzas.
55
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,729
All right,
push, push, come on.
Come on, almost there.
56
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:47,799
Almost there,
just one more push.
Here it is.
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00:02:49,152 --> 00:02:51,052
Oh, it's half Hawaiian.
58
00:02:51,121 --> 00:02:52,771
I believe that's ours.
59
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,355
You poor fool.
60
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,582
Hey, Stewie.
What's up, big guy?
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00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:06,334
None of the girls
in school want to go
to homecoming with me.
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00:03:06,402 --> 00:03:08,270
Probably 'cause
everyone calls me names
63
00:03:08,339 --> 00:03:12,207
like big nips and fat
nips and big fat nips.
64
00:03:12,276 --> 00:03:15,460
Oh, don't listen to them,
big fat nips,
they're just being haters.
65
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,628
What's a hater?
66
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,258
Oh, it's just
something people say instead
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00:03:18,282 --> 00:03:19,926
of working
to change their own flaws.
68
00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:22,967
Anyway, you just gotta do what
Taylor Swift does
and Shake It Off.
69
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,619
Who is Taylor Swift?
70
00:03:29,576 --> 00:03:33,678
Oh, my God.
Am I about to introduce
you to Taylor Swift?
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00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,347
What is she? A singer?
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00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:38,417
She's much more
than a singer, Chris. She's...
73
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,152
Uh, she's, she's the queen.
74
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,688
A goddess, a gazelle
in a high waisted swimsuit.
75
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:47,859
Uh, sorry,
if you're neither insane
nor clowns nor a posse,
76
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,978
I'm not interested.
I have an idea.
77
00:03:50,046 --> 00:03:52,698
You should ask Taylor Swift
to the homecoming dance.
78
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,400
What? Why would she go
to a dance with me?
79
00:03:55,468 --> 00:03:56,796
I'm telling you, this is exactly
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00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,147
the kind of thing she would do.
81
00:03:58,171 --> 00:04:01,690
She's such a sweetheart.
Oh, I'm going limp.
82
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:06,177
Oh, I'm just gonna
lie here, moaning.
Thinking about Taylor Swift.
83
00:04:09,099 --> 00:04:10,448
Tay-Tay.
84
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:11,966
How would I even ask her?
85
00:04:12,035 --> 00:04:14,152
It's easy. You and I
will just make a video
86
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,371
about how sad you
are and put it online.
87
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:18,724
She's very interactive
with all her fans.
88
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,292
I guess it's worth a shot.
89
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,344
Of course it is.
If she says yes,
you'll surprise everyone.
90
00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:25,508
Just like you did
on New Year's eve.
91
00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:27,849
Three, two, one.
92
00:04:27,918 --> 00:04:30,669
Some animals give me boners.
93
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,604
All right, Chris,
if this is going to work,
94
00:04:38,628 --> 00:04:40,606
we need to show Taylor
that you're a real fan.
95
00:04:40,630 --> 00:04:43,081
So mention her cats,
Meredith and Olivia.
96
00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,511
They're named after
Meredith Grey
of Grey's Anatomy
97
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:48,003
and Olivia Benson
from Law and Order SVU.
98
00:04:48,072 --> 00:04:50,021
This is stupid.
This is not stupid!
99
00:04:51,575 --> 00:04:53,508
This is not stupid.
100
00:04:53,576 --> 00:04:56,706
Look, even if she does, this
wouldn't you rather go to
the dance with a real singer?
101
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,748
Not an auto-tuned,
pop music flash-in-the-pan.
102
00:04:59,816 --> 00:05:01,776
You know who likes
the kind of music you like?
103
00:05:01,818 --> 00:05:04,202
People who are dead.
Yeah, whatever.
104
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,249
Are you and Brian a couple?
105
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:09,457
What? No, no,
no. Kind of. But, no, we...
106
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,859
Look, let me just
help you make this video.
107
00:05:11,929 --> 00:05:13,395
Why? Did he say something?
108
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,719
Hi, I'd like to
be an Uber driver.
109
00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:23,054
Okay, sure.
Welcome aboard.
110
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,857
Don't I... Don't I
need to fill out a form?
111
00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:28,085
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
112
00:05:29,312 --> 00:05:33,097
"Name." Peter Griffin.
"Criminal history."
113
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,885
"This section is optional,"
I will skip this. And done.
114
00:05:36,954 --> 00:05:39,131
Here you go.
Yeah, none of this
really matters.
115
00:05:39,155 --> 00:05:42,523
All I need to know is,
do you have a car,
a phone, and a face?
116
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:43,842
It's my dog's car.
117
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,477
Oh, and I know you didn't ask,
but I am quick to anger.
118
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,224
Okay, great.
Now, get out there
119
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,243
and try to kiss as many
ladies as you can.
120
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:53,935
The record is 60 in a month.
You, sir, are
officially an Uber driver.
121
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:43,351
This is some
good stuff, Chris.
I think it's ready to post.
122
00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:45,604
Actually, Stewie,
I changed my mind.
123
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,772
I made my own
video and posted it.
124
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,235
What? How could
you do that?
125
00:06:49,259 --> 00:06:51,743
Stewie, I didn't wanna do
all that fancy stuff.
126
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:55,130
So, I just did a video of me
speaking from the heart.
127
00:06:55,198 --> 00:06:56,976
You know, telling her
how much it would mean
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00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,268
if a girl like her went
to homecoming
with a guy like me.
129
00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:02,988
I couldn't even stay awake
during that description.
130
00:07:05,041 --> 00:07:07,575
Hey, she already
posted a response.
What?
131
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,062
Hey, Chris Griffin.
132
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,726
I just saw your videoand I'd love to go toyour dance with you.
133
00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:15,845
All right, I gotta go
eat an ice cream cone
134
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:18,369
'cause us stars
are just like you.
135
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,788
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
136
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:24,792
Uh-oh. This means
I have an awkward
phone call to make.
137
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:27,995
What? No, it was stupid.
What two guys
going to homecoming?
138
00:07:28,064 --> 00:07:30,932
I, I assumed it was
a goof this whole time.
139
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,518
Take it out.
I'm ugly and unlovable.
140
00:07:42,145 --> 00:07:44,795
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight,
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00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:48,149
pop star Taylor Swiftis coming to Quahogto attend a dance
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00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,218
with local high
schooler Chris Griffin.
143
00:07:50,287 --> 00:07:51,648
But first, we go to commercial
144
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,299
while our sports reporter smiles
145
00:07:53,323 --> 00:07:55,323
and spins a football
for some reason.
146
00:08:00,696 --> 00:08:05,050
Wow, Chris. I'm so excited.
You actually have
a date with Taylor Swift.
147
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:09,204
Thanks, Mom. Did I do good?
Can I wear
grandpa's jacket now?
148
00:08:09,273 --> 00:08:10,933
I don't know why you
always ask for that.
149
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:13,019
That's, that's not
a thing in our family.
150
00:08:13,043 --> 00:08:14,943
Oh, Rupert.
I can't believe Taylor Swift
151
00:08:15,011 --> 00:08:16,994
is actually going
to be at our house.
152
00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:19,476
I haven't been this excited
since I abused
those caffeine pills
153
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,633
to get ready for the big show.
154
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,152
Everything will be fine
as long as I
take one of these.
155
00:08:24,220 --> 00:08:26,654
Pills! You
actually are taking drugs?
156
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:29,723
Stewie, give me those.
I can't, Zack,
I need them to sing.
157
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:34,178
♪ I'm so excited
I'm so excited ♪
158
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:38,266
I'm so scared.
159
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:45,156
Screech is going
to stab someone on Christmas.
160
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,381
Oh, Chris, you look
so handsome in your tux.
161
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:56,078
This must be how
Meat Loaf looked
when he went to the prom.
162
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:57,936
Oh, that must be her.
163
00:08:57,988 --> 00:08:59,070
Ah!
164
00:09:03,659 --> 00:09:06,210
Hi, you must be Chris.
I'm Taylor.
165
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,446
What's up?
166
00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:11,949
It's so nice to
finally meet you.
Your video was so sweet
167
00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:14,102
and I can't wait to go
to the dance tonight.
168
00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:16,971
Me, too.
Would you like to come in?
169
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,752
Hi, Peter Griffin, leering dad.
170
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,487
Quick question, in Shake It Off,
171
00:09:21,511 --> 00:09:25,279
you invite us to get down
to, quote, "This sick beat."
172
00:09:25,348 --> 00:09:27,899
Yet the beat you then provide
is rather mild.
173
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,518
My question is this.
May I lick your legs?
174
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:33,054
Hi, Taylor. Stewie Griffin.
I'm your biggest fan.
175
00:09:33,123 --> 00:09:36,424
I don't mean it like a psycho.
I just...
I'm not, I'm not a psycho.
176
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,226
Oh, you're a cutie.
177
00:09:38,295 --> 00:09:40,328
Okay, so let's talk
about Harry Styles.
178
00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:42,057
Now, you don't
have to say anything.
179
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:44,332
I'm just gonna slowly pull out
this tape measure
180
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,500
and you indicate
when I should stop.
181
00:09:46,569 --> 00:09:48,336
Okay, here I go.
182
00:09:48,404 --> 00:09:49,537
Still going.
183
00:09:50,473 --> 00:09:51,973
Still going.
184
00:09:52,042 --> 00:09:54,926
Oh, my God.
You bitch, seriously?
185
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:58,330
Taylor,
this is my sister, Meg,
and our dog, Brian.
186
00:09:58,398 --> 00:09:59,613
Nice to meet you both.
187
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,850
We're not all so impressed.
I've met Dan Aykroyd.
188
00:10:02,919 --> 00:10:06,320
I'm sorry,
uh, which cast member
of Hee Haw are you?
189
00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:08,590
Will you be nice?
190
00:10:08,658 --> 00:10:11,459
Okay, well,
we should probably go.
191
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:14,312
It was so nice to meet you all
except for the girl
and the dog.
192
00:10:15,565 --> 00:10:17,265
Sorry about my family.
193
00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:19,300
Don't apologize.
They seem nice.
194
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:22,353
Well, you wouldn't say that
if you ever saw
us in the movies.
195
00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:27,036
All right, we got our
popcorn from home,
196
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:30,461
our soda from home,
a snacks from home,
and Braveheart.
197
00:10:35,785 --> 00:10:37,296
Where ya headed?
The airport.
198
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:40,200
Great,
just a couple of errands
and we'll get you there.
199
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,387
That was one bitch of a class.
200
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,884
Anyways,
what time's your flight?
It's in 20 minutes.
201
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:02,028
Oh, boy, I can't
make it in 20 minutes.
I better call you a Lyft.
202
00:11:02,979 --> 00:11:04,774
Come on, hurry up.
Get in.
203
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,059
I hope you like The Offspring.
204
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,316
Let's go.
205
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,912
Oh, my God.
Taylor Swift.
206
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:22,514
She's here with him?
207
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:26,451
You guys, Mr. Bule is taking
a door-open duke
in the bathroom.
208
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,664
I hope this isn't
too boring for you.
209
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,721
No, this is so cool.
210
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:32,290
I always sing about high school
211
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,359
but I've never
actually seen one in person.
212
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,195
Would you like to dance?
213
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:40,398
Sure, but you're gonna have
to stand back like
five and a half feet.
214
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:45,136
Cool, you dance like
an unattended fire hose.
215
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,574
Wow, it's like your dance
tells a whole story.
216
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,810
Right? You're the only one
who's ever gotten that.
217
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:56,481
Usually people
just shove a wallet
in my mouth and call 911.
218
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:58,749
You know, Chris,
I'm having a great time.
219
00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:00,885
You're so cool
and down to earth.
220
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,487
I like you, too, Taylor.
221
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:05,790
I was scared
meeting a celebrity,
but you're so nice and normal.
222
00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:08,426
I feel totally
comfortable around you.
223
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:11,229
Well, why don't you
just kiss her, Griffin?
224
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:14,265
Sorry, I just smoked a joint
with the pickup truck kids.
225
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,507
That was really fun, Chris.
226
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,653
I hope you don't mind
I made the band
pay me a royalty
227
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,117
for each of my
songs they played.
Of course not.
228
00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:30,114
And I hope you
didn't mind I showed you
who every locker belongs to.
229
00:12:30,182 --> 00:12:33,718
No, I thought that was nice.
I've never had a locker.
230
00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:36,320
I just keep my stuff
in stupid mansions.
231
00:12:37,406 --> 00:12:39,624
Can I finger you?
Sure.
232
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:43,828
"Hi, I'm Taylor Swift.
I'm famous but
I'm really nice."
233
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:46,864
Aw. That's one of
the best fingerings
I've ever had.
234
00:13:07,971 --> 00:13:09,520
What are you
working on there, Chris?
235
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:11,889
Oh, I'm making
a collage for Taylor
236
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,836
of some of her favorite things.
237
00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:15,927
Here's flowers and crop tops
238
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,713
and pictures of Kanye West
with his mouth shut.
239
00:13:18,782 --> 00:13:21,749
Wow, you two seem to have
a wonderful connection.
240
00:13:21,818 --> 00:13:26,203
We do, Mom. You know,
she's the first girl
to ever really understand me.
241
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:28,033
Uh, you guys,
you might want to see
242
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,169
this video Bonnie
posted on Facebook.
243
00:13:30,193 --> 00:13:32,260
Why are you on
Bonnie's Facebook page?
244
00:13:32,329 --> 00:13:34,279
'Cause she's
a fucking smoke show.
245
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:42,536
♪ 'Cause I knowyou're just blubberIn a dress shirt
246
00:13:45,275 --> 00:13:49,177
♪ He licked his armpitThen ate all mydinner and dessert
247
00:13:51,348 --> 00:13:54,882
♪ Chris Griffin is
a pig in every way
248
00:13:54,951 --> 00:13:56,634
♪ Oh, oh
249
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,453
♪ Blubber, blubber, blubber
Oh, oh, blubber, blubber
250
00:13:59,522 --> 00:14:00,888
♪ Oh, oh ♪
251
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:06,577
Oh, and some
animals give him boners.
252
00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:14,519
What the hell?
Why would she do this?
253
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:16,427
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, what's that next video?
254
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:19,273
Oh, Daughtry.
255
00:14:19,342 --> 00:14:21,542
I'm a mom, so I love this.
256
00:14:30,886 --> 00:14:32,403
Chris, what happened?
257
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,383
I thought you said Taylor
had a good time
the other night.
258
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,574
We did. She even let
me grab the part
259
00:14:36,642 --> 00:14:39,126
of her body which on
others would be a butt.
260
00:14:39,195 --> 00:14:41,929
Wow, look at these comments.
Everyone hates you, Chris.
261
00:14:41,997 --> 00:14:44,837
She's right.
Check it out,
you're already a meme.
262
00:14:47,904 --> 00:14:51,639
Aw, man, Chris, this computer
is telling me that
you done swifted it up.
263
00:14:51,708 --> 00:14:53,652
Why would she do
something like this?
264
00:14:53,676 --> 00:14:55,910
Because this is
what Taylor Swift does.
265
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:58,307
She gets into
relationships with guys,
sabotages them,
266
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,209
and then writes
angry songs about it.
267
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,961
I just wish I could talk to her.
268
00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:03,600
Well, why can't we?
She has a house
269
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,303
in Rhode Island.
We could go today.
270
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:08,672
Oh, my God.
We can go today.
My schedule is wide-ass open.
271
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,219
Well, we can't just
show up there.
272
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,276
Why not? We've done
crazier things before.
273
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,478
Remember when we
sent that tweet?
274
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:15,730
All right, you ready?
275
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:21,935
Freeze, we're
the internet police.
276
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,204
You guys are going
away for a long time.
277
00:15:25,442 --> 00:15:27,141
Hey, what are you in for?
278
00:15:27,210 --> 00:15:30,011
I said, "Caitlyn Jenner
wasn't brave and beautiful."
279
00:15:30,079 --> 00:15:32,297
Brian, there's some
bad people in here.
280
00:15:35,985 --> 00:15:38,086
Hey, what's up?
I'm just going
to Quahog Stadium.
281
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:40,755
Okay, would you like the AC on
or the windows down?
282
00:15:40,823 --> 00:15:42,840
How about both?
283
00:15:45,795 --> 00:15:48,696
Pretty great, right?
It is. It really is.
284
00:15:52,735 --> 00:15:54,334
Thank you, genius person.
285
00:15:54,403 --> 00:15:56,421
No problem.
Hey, you ever go in
286
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,639
a hot tub when
it's snowing outside?
287
00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,991
Uh, what?
288
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:09,066
Miss Swift, your song
writing team is here.
289
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:12,236
We got a socko
tune for you, Taylor.
Hit it, Marty.
290
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:16,107
♪ Lox and bagels
and bagels and lox
291
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:18,626
♪ I like being a girl ♪
292
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,545
Okay, one thought.
293
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:24,499
What if we change lox to boys
and bagels to problems?
294
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,150
Oh, that's perfect.
295
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,803
Like when you
changed Pickle it Good
to Shake It Off.
296
00:16:28,872 --> 00:16:30,552
All right, we got our homework.
297
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:32,907
Hi, Taylor.
Chris?
298
00:16:32,976 --> 00:16:34,475
What are you guys doing here?
299
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,194
I wanted to talk to you.
300
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:39,446
Your house is way nicer than
Anne Murray's.
We broke in there, too.
301
00:16:39,515 --> 00:16:41,727
Taylor, why'd you write
that song about me?
302
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,695
I thought we had
a real connection.
303
00:16:43,719 --> 00:16:47,472
We do. I really like you,
Chris. I just...
304
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,523
I'm sorry.
I always do this.
305
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,376
I ruin relationships
with nice guys and John Mayer,
306
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:55,262
just so I can write
songs about heartbreak
and moving on.
307
00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:57,242
But don't you
think that's unhealthy?
308
00:16:57,266 --> 00:17:00,434
You're never gonna find a real
relationship if
you keep doing this.
309
00:17:00,503 --> 00:17:04,288
Listen, I'm sorry I
hurt your feelings, Chris.
Let me make it up to you.
310
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,974
Why don't you guys all come
to my show tonight
as my guests?
311
00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:10,278
Are you serious?
Backstage with Taylor Swift?
312
00:17:10,346 --> 00:17:11,857
That'll be even
cooler than when I was in
313
00:17:11,881 --> 00:17:13,292
that remake of
The Princess Bride
314
00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:15,032
with Bill Cosby.
315
00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:18,068
Now, one of these
has the iocane powder,
316
00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:20,187
you see,
and one of them makes you go
317
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:22,616
sleepy-bye with your mouth open.
318
00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:29,007
Hey, pal,
where we heading again?
319
00:17:29,031 --> 00:17:30,598
Just go down this dark alley.
320
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:39,290
What the hell's going on?
321
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,925
This is what we do
to Uber drivers in this town.
322
00:17:45,581 --> 00:17:47,798
Stop, stop, please stop!
323
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,701
The sound of
your leather jackets
is excruciating.
324
00:17:50,769 --> 00:17:53,688
You can't just buy a phone
and become a cab driver.
325
00:17:53,756 --> 00:17:56,057
Please, I have two families.
326
00:18:01,464 --> 00:18:04,159
Stay back.
Where, where
did you get that?
327
00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:05,950
Judd Hirsch himself.
328
00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:10,121
I was a boy.
No more than 11 or 12,
was on the side of the road.
329
00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:11,784
Man with a hat
pulled up next to me.
330
00:18:11,808 --> 00:18:14,474
Said I reminded of him
when he was my age.
331
00:18:14,543 --> 00:18:17,345
I was just a boy,
husking corn,
didn't know what it meant.
332
00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:20,548
'Course we were all
husking corn back then,
just to keep the lights on.
333
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,345
And you burned my
car while I was
334
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:25,650
telling my fake
Judd Hirsch story.
335
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:40,567
God, I hate everybody
who's not backstage.
336
00:18:40,636 --> 00:18:44,338
This next song is a new one.
It's about my boyfriend,
Chris.
337
00:18:50,513 --> 00:18:52,746
♪ I'm pretty and I'm rich
and I'm in love
338
00:18:52,815 --> 00:18:54,748
♪ Me, Taylor
339
00:18:54,817 --> 00:18:57,051
♪ I've met the guy that
I've been dreaming of
340
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,402
♪ Me, Taylor ♪
341
00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,937
Boo!
342
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:01,973
Wow, they hate it.
343
00:19:03,993 --> 00:19:06,953
This stinks.
We like you when
you're miserable.
344
00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:10,247
You guys, Mr. Bule is taking
a door-open duke
in the bathroom.
345
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,128
Why were they
being so mean to you?
346
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,487
Well, I guess they
are just used to me
being sad and hurt by men.
347
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:20,007
But I don't care if
they like it, Chris.
I'm happy with you.
348
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:21,708
I'm happy with you, too.
349
00:19:21,777 --> 00:19:25,579
But it doesn't
seem like your fans
like this new happy Taylor.
350
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,443
Are you willing
to risk losing them
351
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:30,651
and jeopardize your career
and your art just for us?
352
00:19:31,237 --> 00:19:32,703
I think I am.
353
00:19:37,827 --> 00:19:39,744
Well, I don't know if I am.
354
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,628
What? What are you saying?
355
00:19:43,466 --> 00:19:45,933
I'm saying that, Taylor Swift,
356
00:19:46,002 --> 00:19:50,571
you are a spoiled,
ostrich-legged,
no-talent, big-footed freak.
357
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,184
You pretend to
relate to your fans
358
00:19:52,208 --> 00:19:54,742
but you make your bodyguards
carry your purse.
359
00:19:54,811 --> 00:19:58,962
All your songs sound the same.
And your cats
aren't that cute.
360
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:05,669
Thank you, Chris.
361
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:12,125
This next song
is about my dumb ex-boyfriend
362
00:20:12,194 --> 00:20:14,795
who either
mistreated me, cheated on me,
363
00:20:14,864 --> 00:20:17,681
or went to massage parlors
when I was out of town.
364
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:26,523
Wow, Chris,
that was really nice of you.
365
00:20:26,592 --> 00:20:28,042
Yeah, I guess.
366
00:20:28,111 --> 00:20:30,561
Don't worry.
They'll be plenty
of girls for you.
367
00:20:30,629 --> 00:20:33,714
No one will ever be
close to as good as her
but we'll find you someone.
368
00:20:33,782 --> 00:20:36,850
What about like
a motorcycle lady?
You know, like an old gal.
369
00:20:36,919 --> 00:20:39,153
Her grandchildren call her
by her first name.
370
00:20:39,222 --> 00:20:41,262
Now, let's get out of here.
I called us an Uber.
371
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:45,242
How many tooths is
not enough tooths?
372
00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:53,117
Well, kids, your father
may have gotten beat up,
373
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:56,620
but Uber's still a great job
for anyone afraid
to sell their blood.
374
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:58,121
And, Chris, I'm sorry it didn't
375
00:20:58,190 --> 00:20:59,673
work out with you
and Taylor Swift.
376
00:20:59,742 --> 00:21:01,386
I think we're all
sorry about that, Brian.
377
00:21:01,410 --> 00:21:03,728
But I'm afraid
we're out of time.
378
00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:06,091
I would like to
thank our guests
Taylor Swift,
379
00:21:06,115 --> 00:21:08,310
Chris Griffin, Stewie and Brian,
380
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:11,018
Cleveland Brown
and his band of Brown Renown.
381
00:21:11,087 --> 00:21:13,453
Hey, we'll see you down
in Brown Town, huh, Cleveland?
382
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,840
Oh, I ain't even
gonna go there, Peter.
383
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,038
We apologize to
the Greased-Up Deaf Guy,
384
00:21:19,062 --> 00:21:20,923
didn't have time
for him tonight.
385
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,525
But let's see if we can
get him back next week
when Amanda Peet will be here
386
00:21:23,549 --> 00:21:25,816
with standup Dom Irrera.
Good night, everybody.
31597
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