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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:07,906
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:11,610
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,880
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,536
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,154
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:29,828
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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We now returto The Price is Right.
11
00:00:37,153 --> 00:00:38,854
Now with male models.
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00:00:38,923 --> 00:00:42,807
Let's look at thisbeautiful new carpresented by Ken.
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I don't want it.
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00:00:46,831 --> 00:00:48,764
Peter, what the hell happened
to my underwear?
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00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:50,177
They're all stretched out.
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00:00:50,201 --> 00:00:51,283
Oh, sorry about that.
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00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:52,632
Me and the guys were using them
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00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:56,154
to shoot crab apples at
Old Man McCratchen's truck.
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00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:59,357
We don't want
raisins on Halloween,
we want candy.
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00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,654
Hey, Quagmire,
aren't you gonna
get in on this?
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00:01:01,678 --> 00:01:04,918
I, uh, kind of got
my own game
going on over here.
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00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:11,686
All right, I'm off to get
more underwear.
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00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:13,500
We'll meet back
here at 2:00.
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00:01:13,524 --> 00:01:14,900
Chris, do you remember your job?
25
00:01:14,924 --> 00:01:17,337
To try and get
my shoes sucked
into the escalator
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00:01:17,361 --> 00:01:18,704
so we can sue the mall.
27
00:01:18,728 --> 00:01:20,006
That's right, sweetie.
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00:01:20,030 --> 00:01:22,192
I heard they're paying
50 grand a toe now.
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00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:30,656
Ah, the train. Now that
was the way to travel.
30
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:32,569
You remember that, Chris?
Not at all.
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00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,359
When did we go and get ourselves
32
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,428
in such a big damn hurry?
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00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:39,431
Hi. I'll take two tickets for
the Ladybug Express, please.
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00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,182
Sorry, the train is
just for children.
35
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:42,545
Well, what about
that guy in the front?
36
00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:43,646
He's a grown-up.
37
00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:44,670
He's the conductor.
38
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,349
I don't see no orchestra.
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00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,039
That's a different
kind of conductor.
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00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,685
Okay, well, if he's
the conductor,
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00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:50,887
why don't he
have electrical tape
42
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,155
wrapped around him for safety?
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00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:54,045
Also a different
kind of conductor.
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00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,925
All right, thanks for
joking around with me.
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00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,230
We're gonna go check out
the rest of the mall.
46
00:02:01,171 --> 00:02:03,082
So I'm thinking
about getting
my ears pierced.
47
00:02:03,106 --> 00:02:04,784
You know, big black gauges.
48
00:02:04,808 --> 00:02:07,921
Then I can just work
at a bike shop forever.
Take the pressure off.
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00:02:07,945 --> 00:02:08,988
That's a terrible idea.
50
00:02:09,012 --> 00:02:10,156
'Cause my lobes
are so nice, I know,
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00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:11,758
that's what everybody says.
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00:02:11,782 --> 00:02:13,314
Wow. Check it out.
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00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,667
Biracial slam piece, dead ahead.
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00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:20,249
What's going on
with you, man?
That's a human being.
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00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:21,540
Sorry, sorry,
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00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:23,408
my buddy sent me
a bunch of Romanian porn,
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00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,876
and now every girl I look at,
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00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:26,311
I imagine throwing onto a table.
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00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:29,292
Yeah, that wasn't
really the backpedal
I expected.
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00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,916
Excuse me, uh, Shelby?
Hi, I'm Brian.
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00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,830
Hey, I bet lots
of millionaires
come in here
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00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,653
and hit on you
all the time, huh?
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00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,505
Do we?
Do we do that a lot?
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00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:39,452
Yeah, I guess it
happens sometimes.
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00:02:39,476 --> 00:02:40,654
Did you want to
look at something?
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00:02:40,678 --> 00:02:42,177
Already am.
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00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:44,157
Hey, can I try that on?
Good taste.
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00:02:44,181 --> 00:02:46,092
That's our nicest men's ring.
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00:02:46,116 --> 00:02:48,416
Better see if it'll
come off when I ski Aspen.
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00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:53,049
Yeah, yeah,
that works,
that works.
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00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,501
I know
I'm a nerd,
but I have, like,
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00:02:55,525 --> 00:02:57,125
a thing for rich guys.
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00:02:57,193 --> 00:02:59,628
I'll take the ring,
and I'll take your number.
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00:03:00,831 --> 00:03:03,197
Here you go. Call me.
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00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:05,567
What the hell
are you doing?
That ring is $10,000.
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00:03:05,636 --> 00:03:06,868
Relax, Stewie.
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00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:11,901
All I have to do is
bring the ring back
when she's not working.
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00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,469
I'll get a refund
and she'll never know.
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00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,738
It's a perfect scam,
like Teddy Roosevelt
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00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,540
getting to be on Mount Rushmore.
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00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:19,664
I won the Revolutionary War.
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00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,633
I won the Civil War.
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00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:23,668
I gained possession of Guam.
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00:03:29,192 --> 00:03:31,904
There you are.
We were supposed
to meet an hour ago.
85
00:03:31,928 --> 00:03:34,907
Yeah, I'm almost done.
I'm playing a really
cool new video game.
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00:03:34,931 --> 00:03:36,848
Michael Douglas' Munch Out.
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00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,682
Come on, Peter.
It's time to go home.
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00:03:42,706 --> 00:03:44,684
Not now, Lois.
I'm making
ladies feel good.
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00:03:44,708 --> 00:03:47,842
Peter, I've been
on my feet all day.
Let's go.
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00:03:47,911 --> 00:03:49,489
I'd stop, but
Catherine Zeta-Jones'
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00:03:49,513 --> 00:03:51,024
big hands are on
the back of my head.
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00:03:51,048 --> 00:03:53,393
You know what?
Forget this.
We're leaving.
93
00:03:53,417 --> 00:03:55,061
You find your own way home.
94
00:03:55,085 --> 00:03:57,785
What? Throat cancer?
95
00:03:57,854 --> 00:04:00,855
But all I did
was drink Scotch,
smoke cigars, and this.
96
00:04:00,924 --> 00:04:02,502
All right, we can go, Lois.
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00:04:02,526 --> 00:04:03,526
Lois?
98
00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:11,977
Mort?
Oh, hey, how do you
like my blowout?
99
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:15,114
I'm pulling down
so much chotch,
it's insane.
100
00:04:15,138 --> 00:04:18,005
I don't...
I'm... Yuck.
101
00:04:19,108 --> 00:04:20,108
Lois?
102
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:25,130
Oh, no! I'm alone and
lost in the mall!
103
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:28,467
I haven't been
this scared since
the silence of the lamb.
104
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:31,470
Hey, um, let's move in together.
105
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:35,974
Say something!
106
00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:41,708
And I turned around,
and I don't know
what happened to my wife,
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00:04:41,732 --> 00:04:44,298
and now I'm all alone
and I'm just so scared.
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00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,433
Okay.
109
00:04:45,501 --> 00:04:47,135
Do you want to go
look for your wife,
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00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,037
or you want me to
finish the makeover?
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00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,067
I guess we might as
well finish up here.
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00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,725
When I find her,
I want her to go, "Wow."
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00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,047
Lois?
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00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,647
Lois?
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00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:00,716
Lois!
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00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:02,834
Lois!
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00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:04,636
Is your wife named Lois, too?
118
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,132
No, but I figured
if she's banging
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00:05:06,156 --> 00:05:08,201
a guy like you, I got a shot.
120
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:09,290
Lois!
121
00:05:09,359 --> 00:05:11,392
Hey, what're you...
Lois!
Lois!
122
00:05:11,461 --> 00:05:12,593
Lois!
123
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:17,961
Wait, hang on a second, Shelby,
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00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,395
I can't hear you
over my brokers.
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00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:22,287
Buy! Sell! Buy! Buy!
126
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,523
Wow.Buying and selling?
Yeah, yeah.
127
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:28,504
Well, I'll see you
Saturday. I better go,
my helicopter's here.
128
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:33,598
Are you still...
By the way, you have no idea
what a helicopter sounds like.
129
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,500
Are you still
keeping up this charade?
130
00:05:35,568 --> 00:05:36,745
Yeah, but it's perfect.
131
00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:38,814
Shelby's already off work,
so I'll just grab the ring
132
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,078
and we can bring it
back before they close.
133
00:05:42,859 --> 00:05:44,993
Huh. I know I left
the ring right here.
134
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,689
If you're referring to the ring
135
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:49,033
that I thought was
a lug nut, I ate it.
136
00:05:49,066 --> 00:05:51,710
What? Why would
you eat a lug nut?
I was dared.
137
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:53,668
By who?
By myself.
138
00:05:53,736 --> 00:05:55,248
I have low self-esteem.
139
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:56,904
We should check in
on this guy more.
140
00:05:56,973 --> 00:05:58,484
Oh, my God,
this can't be
happening!
141
00:05:58,508 --> 00:06:00,108
Chris, that was a diamond ring!
142
00:06:00,176 --> 00:06:01,676
Do you know how
expensive that was?
143
00:06:01,745 --> 00:06:03,823
I'm sorry, Brian!
But don't worry,
144
00:06:03,847 --> 00:06:05,959
it'll come out of my
body sooner or later.
145
00:06:05,983 --> 00:06:07,882
He's right.
I ate a dime once.
146
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:11,219
It became a manhole cover
for, like, three days,
but then, pow!
147
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,586
Okay, yeah, yeah, we just...
148
00:06:12,655 --> 00:06:14,533
We just got to
force Chris to poop,
that's all.
149
00:06:14,557 --> 00:06:17,325
Yay! Like at a sleepover!
150
00:06:17,394 --> 00:06:19,794
I love you.
You're loved.
151
00:06:24,701 --> 00:06:28,252
Attention,the Quahog Mall will beclosing in five minutes.
152
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,967
Well, I've looked
everywhere.
Maybe she left.
153
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,569
Paul Blart, if you're out there,
154
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,433
I could sure use a miracle.
155
00:06:45,638 --> 00:06:47,972
All aboard the Ladybug Express!
156
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,574
But be careful, Peter.
157
00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:52,555
If this train slows
to less than
50 miles an hour,
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00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,845
then Sandra Bullock
has to marry a neo-Nazi
159
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:56,392
and act like she
didn't know about it,
160
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,776
and then overcompensate
by adopting a black kid.
161
00:07:00,904 --> 00:07:02,103
Help!
162
00:07:02,972 --> 00:07:03,972
Holy crap!
163
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,395
Wait! Don't
close the mall!
164
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:14,232
Like an actual Amtrak train,
this is dangerously
out of control!
165
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,534
That's legally
defensible, by the way.
166
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,704
On your screen
is a list of
actual rail disasters.
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00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,908
♪ A chuga-chuga motion
like a railroad train, now
168
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,711
♪ Come on baby,
do the Loco-Motion ♪
169
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,064
Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker.
170
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,233
Coming up,the secret toremaining upbeat
171
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,135
after getting
an elderly waitress.
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00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,837
But we beginwith breaking newsfrom the Quahog Mall,
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00:07:41,861 --> 00:07:45,463
where a local fat manwas stuck overnighton a child's train.
174
00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:47,176
We now go live to
the newest member
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00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,544
of the Channel Five news team,
176
00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:49,951
Dallas Portland.
177
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:51,352
Thanks, Tom.
178
00:07:51,421 --> 00:07:53,888
Yes, quite an ordeal
for Quahog's Peter Griffin.
179
00:07:53,957 --> 00:07:57,291
So, Mr. Griffin,you were going aroundin circles for 12 hours.
180
00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,595
Are you sufferingany ill effects fromthe centrifugal force?
181
00:08:00,664 --> 00:08:03,831
The wind on my
skin is like knifes.
182
00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:09,332
Oh, my God, Bonnie,
are you watching
the news right now?
183
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:11,534
Yes, I'm so sorry about Peter.
184
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:13,091
Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.
185
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,661
But did you see that
sweet new piece of ass,
Dallas Portland?
186
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:17,996
Oh, I don't know.
187
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:21,060
Why don't you ask
my index and
middle finger?
188
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,761
I thought this
was a recovery day.
189
00:08:22,785 --> 00:08:24,352
No days off, bro.
190
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,292
Peter, move, we need the TV.
191
00:08:31,361 --> 00:08:33,027
Is this... Is this a coven?
192
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,741
No, we're watching the news.
193
00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:36,042
Now get out of the way.
194
00:08:36,066 --> 00:08:38,410
We had a bottle
of wine and a joint
at Bonnie's house,
195
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:41,236
and we want to
watch Dallas Portland
before the buzz wears off.
196
00:08:41,304 --> 00:08:43,624
You chicken-heads
are out of control.
197
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:48,926
Yoga for men?Yes, says the inventorof bro-ga.
198
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:51,073
I'm here inhis studioabove the Petco
199
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:54,109
to see if I wantto namaste forthe whole class.
200
00:08:55,768 --> 00:08:57,888
I guess he's handsome and funny.
201
00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:00,316
Oh. Feel like
I'm cheating on
Tom Bergeron.
202
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,218
That's who you're
all excited about?
203
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:05,543
That chiseled Adonis
with eyes the color of
summer's first blueberry?
204
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:07,212
I don't know about none of that,
205
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,214
but look at that
bulge in his shorts.
206
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:12,750
I've never seen a bulge
in the front of
a man's pants before.
207
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:15,798
You see that, Peter?
That's the right
amount of leg hair.
208
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:19,222
My leg hair's fine.
I have what they
call the Irish Wisp.
209
00:09:25,048 --> 00:09:26,692
Why are we at
a health food store?
210
00:09:26,716 --> 00:09:28,194
Well, we got to get
that ring out of you,
211
00:09:28,218 --> 00:09:29,698
and this is
a place where people buy
212
00:09:29,752 --> 00:09:31,452
disgusting cereals
to help them poop.
213
00:09:31,521 --> 00:09:33,966
Well, which one
should we buy?
I don't know, let's ask.
214
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,624
Are there any gray-haired
lesbian art teachers
215
00:09:36,693 --> 00:09:39,360
who can help us
select a fiber cereal?
216
00:09:39,429 --> 00:09:42,063
This won't take long,
we know your large dogs
217
00:09:42,132 --> 00:09:43,264
are tied up outside.
218
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,146
There's too many of them!
219
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,314
We've got to start a chant so
220
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,715
they'll file out into
the street!
221
00:09:49,739 --> 00:09:53,140
All sex is rape!
All sex is rape!
222
00:09:53,210 --> 00:09:56,561
All sex is rape!
All sex is rape!
223
00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:58,441
When I first joined this cause,
224
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,309
I was just trying to
get this guy to poop,
225
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:04,602
but now we're this close
to getting sex outlawed
in the United States.
226
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,590
So, Peter,
where are your
boyfriends tonight?
227
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:14,980
I don't know.
Where are yours?
228
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,425
What the fuck did you just say?
229
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,160
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
230
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:19,851
I'm just not myself tonight.
231
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,154
Lois and all of her friends
are drooling over
that new news guy.
232
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,589
That Dallas Portland's a jerk.
233
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,424
Don't even say that name.
234
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,787
Tom Tucker?
What are you
doing here?
235
00:10:28,811 --> 00:10:30,590
Getting out of
that wind storm that
236
00:10:30,614 --> 00:10:32,680
screwed up my hair
and loosened my tie,
237
00:10:32,749 --> 00:10:35,628
but also trying to
forget how mad I am
at Dallas Portland.
238
00:10:35,652 --> 00:10:36,918
You and me both, pal.
239
00:10:36,986 --> 00:10:38,286
That Dallas guy sucks.
240
00:10:38,354 --> 00:10:39,632
Why, what's your
problem with him?
241
00:10:39,656 --> 00:10:42,101
Ah, my wife's been
creaming her
spinach over him.
242
00:10:42,125 --> 00:10:43,424
Yeah, tell me about it.
243
00:10:43,493 --> 00:10:45,771
Since he arrived,
our ratings have
skyrocketed.
244
00:10:45,795 --> 00:10:48,279
They're grooming Dallas,
which means I'm on my way out.
245
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,668
What? We can't
let that happen.
246
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,845
If that guy
becomes the anchor,
every night is gonna be...
247
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:54,535
Hey!
248
00:10:54,604 --> 00:10:56,749
Sorry, I still get
a little dizzy
from the train,
249
00:10:56,773 --> 00:10:58,851
but if Dallas Portland's
on TV every night,
250
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,870
my life's gonna
be a living hell.
251
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,060
You and me both.
252
00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:05,096
Without the news, I...
I don't know who I am.
253
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,348
But what can you do?
He's the flavor of the month.
254
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:08,683
But wait a minute,
255
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:11,197
maybe if we work together,
we can solve
both our problems.
256
00:11:11,221 --> 00:11:12,681
What do you mean?
Well,
257
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,683
if he's the hot,
young thing and
everybody loves him,
258
00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:18,243
all we got to do is
make you hotter and
younger and thing-er!
259
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:19,722
And then they won't need him.
260
00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:21,523
Well, how're we
supposed to do that?
Just trust me.
261
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:23,960
When I set my
mind to something,
anything's possible.
262
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:26,265
That's how I got
myself on The Voice.
263
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,586
I'm doing this for
my mother, who taught me
264
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:31,055
to sing when I was only seven.
265
00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:32,803
She was my biggest inspiration,
266
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:37,127
and she was taken
from me when I was 12
267
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,717
in a fatal car accident.
268
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,668
She was my rock, my beacon,
269
00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:46,537
and this one...
270
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:50,007
This one's for her.
271
00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:52,354
♪ So, tell me what you want
What you really, really want
272
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,740
♪ And I'll tellyou what I wantWhat I really, really want ♪
273
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,312
Okay, now Tom,
if you want to be like
274
00:12:00,336 --> 00:12:02,603
the young kids,
you got to get
into MMA.
275
00:12:02,672 --> 00:12:05,839
Oh, awesome.
Looks like we got a great
fight on our hands.
276
00:12:08,211 --> 00:12:09,322
He's killing that man.
277
00:12:09,346 --> 00:12:10,489
Oh, no, he's long dead.
278
00:12:10,513 --> 00:12:11,724
Well, this is just murder.
279
00:12:11,748 --> 00:12:13,247
Yes, public murder.
280
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,993
All right,
so what am I supposed
to do with this erection?
281
00:12:15,017 --> 00:12:17,617
Just put it in someone's
back as we walk out.
Come on, let's go.
282
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:21,426
I know.
Good fight, right?
283
00:12:23,126 --> 00:12:25,004
All right, Tom,
if you want to be
young these days,
284
00:12:25,028 --> 00:12:28,140
you gotta do
a wicked awesome
GoPro skate video.
285
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:47,882
♪ Oh, I can't stand it
I know you planned it
286
00:12:47,951 --> 00:12:49,791
♪ I'm gonna set it straight,
this watergate
287
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:53,087
♪ I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here
288
00:12:53,156 --> 00:12:55,874
♪ Because your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear
289
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:59,126
♪ So while you sit back
and wonder why
290
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,545
♪ I got this fucking thorn
in my side
291
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,999
♪ Oh my God, it's a mirage
292
00:13:05,068 --> 00:13:06,845
♪ I'm tellin' y'all
it's sabotage ♪
293
00:13:08,338 --> 00:13:09,338
Damn!
294
00:13:22,452 --> 00:13:24,618
Latvia's number-one
bear prank show.
295
00:13:24,687 --> 00:13:27,555
Now available in Region 3 DVD.
296
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,511
All right, Chris, nothing's
gotten that ring out yet.
297
00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:35,380
That's why we brought you
to this fast-food
298
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:37,081
roast beef restaurant.
299
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,283
Uh, yeah, I'll take
the Angus steak melt.
300
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,063
I'm sorry, are you here
to poop something out?
301
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:42,186
Yes.
302
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,966
Okay, this line is
just for regular diners.
303
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,150
You need to get in that line.
304
00:13:48,110 --> 00:13:49,355
Excuse me, is this the line
305
00:13:49,379 --> 00:13:50,989
for people who need
to puke something up?
306
00:13:51,013 --> 00:13:53,253
I think this is
just the poop line.
307
00:13:54,517 --> 00:13:56,201
Cheers.
308
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,703
You know what restaurant
we're talking about.
309
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,236
Oh, almost time for the news.
310
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,405
Mind if I join you?
I thought you
hated the news.
311
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,796
Developing story.
I like it now.
312
00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:11,632
Okay.
313
00:14:11,701 --> 00:14:14,252
Good evening, Quahog,
I'm Dallas Portland.
314
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:17,921
And I'm T-homiewith the newsin your mouth!
315
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:20,692
What the hell's he doing?
316
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,493
He's crushing it.
317
00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:25,429
Okay, Tom,
our top story tonight,
318
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:29,066
a burst water pipein the pediatricunit of Quahog General
319
00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:31,080
results inthe tragicdrowning deaths
320
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,948
of four children and one nurse.
321
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:34,372
News bomb!
322
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,118
I know
what you're thinking, right?
323
00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:37,574
"He's so random."
324
00:14:37,643 --> 00:14:41,078
Boy, I never realized
how young and hip
Tom Tucker is.
325
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,458
Dallas Portland
should just pack it up
and go home.
326
00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:44,682
What are you talking about?
327
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,417
Wait, wait, quiet, quiet.
328
00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:49,899
Tom's about to tattoo
the word "Coachella" on
the bridge of his nose.
329
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,722
Is that a thing?
330
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,668
Oh, I don't know,
Grandma, sit back and...
331
00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:55,070
Oh! He got his eye!
Oh, God.
332
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:57,139
What's wrong with you, Dallas?
333
00:14:57,163 --> 00:14:59,274
Never seen a guy so
young and cool before?
334
00:14:59,298 --> 00:15:01,098
Tumblr!
335
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,547
I've just received
some breaking news.
336
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,804
Channel Five News
anchor Tom Tucker
337
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,940
has been relievedof his duties,effective immediately.
338
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,988
Holy crap.
They fired him?
Oh, my God!
339
00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:14,807
Oh, well, now back to my life.
340
00:15:21,971 --> 00:15:23,999
We'll be backafter message fromstate-run industry.
341
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:28,826
♪ Shirt. gov, shirt. govis only place toget your shirt ♪
342
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:37,980
Peter, you were the one who told
343
00:15:38,004 --> 00:15:40,771
Tom Tucker to try all
that nonsense on TV?
344
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,257
You realize you
cost that man his job?
345
00:15:43,326 --> 00:15:44,570
Well, how was
I supposed to know?
346
00:15:44,594 --> 00:15:46,972
Katie Couric went
on TV and stuck
a tube up her butt
347
00:15:46,996 --> 00:15:48,039
and they threw her a parade.
348
00:15:48,063 --> 00:15:49,764
That was a colonoscopy!
349
00:15:49,832 --> 00:15:51,543
This is kind of
your fault, you know.
350
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:52,878
I mean, you're
the one who was drooling
351
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:54,246
over that Dallas Portland.
352
00:15:54,270 --> 00:15:55,947
I was just trying
to get that guy
off the air.
353
00:15:55,971 --> 00:15:57,571
Peter, that's ridiculous.
354
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,674
He's just some pretty boy
who doesn't mean anything.
355
00:16:00,743 --> 00:16:02,087
It's like when you watch Mad Men
356
00:16:02,111 --> 00:16:04,177
for that chick you
said was like a fat me.
357
00:16:04,246 --> 00:16:06,213
I said,
"A young, fat you."
358
00:16:06,282 --> 00:16:09,149
The point is, you've
ruined that man's life.
359
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:11,619
You're right.
Poor Tom.
360
00:16:11,687 --> 00:16:15,050
Thanks to me, he's
fallen even further
than Charlie Rose.
361
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:16,685
Today on CBS This Morning,
362
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:18,620
we'll be talking about
how much sleep you need
363
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:21,178
to not be drunk
from the night before.
364
00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:22,657
That's not what
we're talking about.
365
00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:24,801
That's what I'm talking about.
366
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,833
I don't know what else to do.
We've tried everything.
367
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:32,601
Brian, the jeweler
closes at 6:00.
368
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,536
You don't have
much time left
to return that ring.
369
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,861
You're right.
Well, we have
no choice.
370
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,495
We'll just have to
take a bumpy ride
371
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,064
to the mall and
hope for a miracle.
372
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,210
You know, Brian,
this wouldn't
have happened
373
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:43,646
if you were just
honest with women
374
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,313
and had an ounce of integrity.
375
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:48,639
Don't pull rank on me.
You ate a ring,
you worthless tub of crap.
376
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:51,754
Yeah? Well, who's gonna
be fishing through
a tub of crap soon,
377
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,555
you unemployed buttmunch?
378
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,479
Whoa! Whoa!
Let's calm down, guys.
379
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,060
Shut up,
you unemployed
buttmunch!
380
00:16:58,084 --> 00:16:59,750
Okay, he found a burn he likes.
381
00:17:06,909 --> 00:17:08,253
What the hell do you want?
382
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:11,645
I'm here to say
I'm sorry about
what happened.
383
00:17:11,714 --> 00:17:13,314
Let me make it up to you.
384
00:17:13,382 --> 00:17:16,067
I'm the one who
made you lose your job.
I'll find you a new one.
385
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:18,269
Don't bother.
I'm washed up.
386
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:22,773
Everyone saw what
I did, and besides,
I can't do anything else.
387
00:17:22,841 --> 00:17:25,058
I was born to be a newsman.
388
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,228
This just out. Me!
389
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,930
That happened?
Is that for real?
390
00:17:29,999 --> 00:17:33,066
That's nuts. But still,
I want to help you
get back on your feet.
391
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:35,614
Go home, Peter.
You've already
done enough.
392
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,667
Thanks to you,
it's over for me,
like Billy Zane.
393
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:40,057
Billy, you're through.
394
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:42,304
You haven't done
anything in 10 years.
Yes, I have.
395
00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:44,707
I was in those
electronic cigarette
commercials.
396
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,197
That was Stephen Dorff.
397
00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:47,265
Oh.
398
00:17:51,854 --> 00:17:53,732
How're we doing on time?
Less than a minute.
399
00:17:53,756 --> 00:17:55,255
How you feeling, Chris?
400
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,336
No different,
except I have to poop
from all this running.
401
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,755
What? That's great!
There's a bathroom
down that hall!
402
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,259
No time!
They're closing
the gate!
403
00:18:12,141 --> 00:18:13,819
- Hey, Shelby.
- Brian?
404
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:16,210
Ah!
It's coming!
405
00:18:16,278 --> 00:18:18,178
Oh, my God!
406
00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:20,314
Yes, I'd like to
make a return, please.
407
00:18:20,383 --> 00:18:22,350
And maybe take you to dinner?
408
00:18:22,418 --> 00:18:24,985
Brian, I don't care
that I was diarrhea'd on.
409
00:18:25,054 --> 00:18:27,621
I care that you weren't honest.
410
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:30,958
I care that I
was diarrhea'd on.
I care a great deal.
411
00:18:36,933 --> 00:18:38,866
Sorry I let you down, Tom.
412
00:18:38,935 --> 00:18:41,435
Oh, my God, look!
Up on the roof!
413
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:47,057
Holy crap! Doritos Tacos
is only for a limited time?
414
00:18:48,411 --> 00:18:51,195
And, oh, no!
Tom Tucker's
gonna jump!
415
00:18:58,204 --> 00:18:59,915
Tom, I got here
as fast as I could.
416
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:01,355
So, what's going on?
417
00:19:01,423 --> 00:19:02,773
It's over for me, Peter.
418
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:06,009
If I can't anchor
the local news,
I have no reason to live.
419
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,624
Look, Tom, Tom,
before you do
anything crazy,
420
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,058
you should know one thing.
421
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,316
I have that exact same bathrobe.
422
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,552
Hey, Tom, the camera's
gonna be on you in a second.
423
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:16,698
Before you jump,
could you just hand
me this microphone,
424
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,750
like you're
passing me
the torch?
425
00:19:18,774 --> 00:19:21,119
What the hell
are you doing here?
What am I doing?
426
00:19:21,143 --> 00:19:23,755
Getting an interview
with a crazed jumper
on the brink of suicide.
427
00:19:23,779 --> 00:19:25,413
This is huge.
428
00:19:25,481 --> 00:19:27,080
Wait a second.
429
00:19:27,149 --> 00:19:30,279
You heard wrong, Dallas.
There's a jumper here,
but it ain't Tom.
430
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:32,348
It's me.
That's right.
What?
431
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,049
Tom was just
trying to
talk me down,
432
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:36,140
and if there's
a news story here,
433
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:38,849
the only one
I'm giving it to
is Tom Tucker.
434
00:19:38,912 --> 00:19:40,027
Here.
435
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,798
Roll it.
436
00:19:43,866 --> 00:19:46,750
Good evening, Quahog.This is TomTucker atop a roof,
437
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,803
where a local crazy person
is preparing to end it all.
438
00:19:49,872 --> 00:19:52,573
Bonnie! Tom Tucker's
back on the news!
439
00:19:53,309 --> 00:19:54,353
Oh, here you are.
440
00:19:54,377 --> 00:19:56,376
Tom Tucker's back.
I know.
441
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:58,846
Honey, I'm back on TV.
442
00:19:58,914 --> 00:20:00,759
No, Billy, that's Tom Tucker.
443
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:01,783
Oh.
444
00:20:02,685 --> 00:20:03,884
What's going on?
445
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,487
Don't worry about it,
just get those pants off.
446
00:20:06,555 --> 00:20:08,789
Oh. Your hair
is amazing.
447
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,692
Tell us, crazy person,
why are you doing all this?
448
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,260
I'll tell you why.
449
00:20:13,329 --> 00:20:17,598
I'm doing this because
I ruined a guy's life
and I feel awful about it.
450
00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:20,907
It's the only
thing I can think of
to make things right.
451
00:20:22,605 --> 00:20:24,305
Well, whoever this guy is,
452
00:20:24,373 --> 00:20:26,752
I'm sure he appreciateswhat you'retrying to do for him.
453
00:20:26,776 --> 00:20:30,844
I think I speakfor all our viewerswhen I say, don't do this.
454
00:20:30,913 --> 00:20:33,614
Please. Come down
off this ledge with me.
455
00:20:33,683 --> 00:20:35,349
You got it.
456
00:20:35,418 --> 00:20:38,538
If that's what the mosttrusted newsmanin Quahog wants.
457
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,000
Pigeon!
Ah!
458
00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:46,592
It's fine.
He landed on people.
459
00:20:52,268 --> 00:20:54,412
Well, I'm glad
your crazy stunt
worked out
460
00:20:54,436 --> 00:20:56,503
and Tom Tucker is
back at Channel Five.
461
00:20:56,572 --> 00:20:58,617
Yeah, apparently,
when he interviewed
me up on that roof,
462
00:20:58,641 --> 00:21:01,341
the ratings were so huge,
they made him anchor again.
463
00:21:01,410 --> 00:21:03,490
That's great to hear,
because...
Lois!
464
00:21:04,213 --> 00:21:05,713
Lois!
465
00:21:05,782 --> 00:21:07,422
Is somebody calling my name?
466
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,665
Lois!
467
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:10,033
I don't think so, no.
468
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,802
Lois, I'm rich!
469
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:13,515
Now I think I do hear something.
470
00:21:13,539 --> 00:21:15,384
I should probably
go see what he wants.
471
00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:19,143
I know I'm a nerd,
but I have, like,
a thing for rich guys.
472
00:21:21,581 --> 00:21:24,515
Oh, boy, she's getting
in his helicopter.
473
00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:30,738
Well, I'm big enough to admit
when I'm wrong.
34888
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