All language subtitles for Family Guy - S14E12 - Scammed Yankees

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return
to the NBA on TNT on LSD.

Man, I'm out of my mind!

Okay, my mom will
be here any minute
for our spa day.

"Spa." S-P-A.

Yes. Very good, Peter.

And remember,
while we're off
getting our massages,

you and Daddy are gonna
spend the day together here.

Aw, I don't want
to hang out with him.

He's, like,
not ticklish anywhere.

Look, I'm sorry, but my mom said

he can't be left
alone at home anymore.

Last time, he went crazy

and moved all
the furniture around.

♪ Dancing, walking

♪ Rearranging furniture

♪ Babs is shopping

♪ I let the bird
out of the cage ♪

Hello, dear.

Ah, I always forget

you walk right into
the living room
in your house.

Hey, do you have a Band-Aid?
Nothing happened,
but I'm bleeding.

You know what,
I'll just rummage
through your bathroom.

Man, spending
a whole day with him

is gonna be worse than
eating at a ball park.

Uh, I'll take one terrible beer,

filled up way too high,

so I spill most of it,
and a too-long hot
dog on a too-short bun.

And do you have
mustard and relish?

Yeah, it's right there
between the entrance and
the exit to the bathroom.

Perfect. And can I get
a bag of unsalted peanuts?

You know, something I would
never eat anywhere else
in the world?

Sure, here you go.
Great. Great.

Ah, I can't wait
to have diarrhea in
the stall with no door

while 20 guys wait
for me to finish.

- I know, I know.
- Come on.

All right.
Left cankle, red.

Right muffin top, blue.

Sorry.

Ugh! God, kill me.

Stewie, I can't take
any more of Meg
and her gross friends.

Uh, uh, hang on, hang on.
I'm just finishing
up an e-mail to Delta.

"I have never not screamed
at the top of my lungs

"during air pressure changes,
and I do not intend
to stop now."

Okay, what was it?
Meg's friends.

They're just so loud
and boring and annoying.

Well, not everybody can be
as fascinating as you, Brian.

Thanks for coming by.

Hey, Brian, Mom took the car.

Can you give me
and my friends a ride
to field hockey practice?

Um, I'm kind of helping Stewie
with an e-mail to Delta.

Please, Brian.

It would get them
out of the house.

Well, that's true.

And I gotta do something,

'cause they're more annoying
than ants at a picnic.

Would you mind
turning that down?

And you are not
supposed to be grilling.

I know you can understand me.

So, what...
What do you want to do?

I don't know.
Sucks that we're
stuck here alone.

Wait a minute.
"Here alone."

You thinking what I'm thinking?

This was not
what I was thinking.

That's weird, it's not
what I was thinking either.

I don't even know
how it happened.
No, me neither.

But this spaghetti
is not half bad.

A "happy mistake,"
we'll call it.

Now what do you want to do?
Well, we could watch porn.

Have you heard of porn?

Is that something
you're aware of?

You have postcards from France?

No, no, no.
Like, on the computer.

There's like tons and tons
of videos of people
doing it on there.

Wait, let me understand.

You want to watch that with me?

Well, not anymore,
you just made it weird.

But there's
other stuff on there.

You want to see
a guy in a human-sized

hamster ball
roll off a mountain?

Uh, yeah.

So this is in Russia?

Somebody's gonna
slow him down, right?

Oh!

I got to
e-mail that to Babs.
She hates people.

Huh, got a new e-mail here.

And it's from a Nigerian prince.

It says he's got millions
frozen in an account.

All he needs is
$100,000 to pay legal fees,

and then as soon as
he gets his money,
I get a million bucks.

And he must need it quick,

'cause there was, like,
a bazillion typos
in that e-mail.

You got to send that money.

You think so?
Absolutely.

I mean, can you imagine
if you make a million bucks?

You'll be happier
than a guy on
his wedding day.

Thanks, everyone.
Goodbye, Mom.

Goodbye, Dad.

Goodbye, friends.
Goodbye, free time.
Farewell, sex.

So long, golf on TV.

I'll miss you, privacy.

Goodbye, being honest
about how many beers I've had.

Nice knowing you,
my own choices.

See you later, money!

Thanks for the ride, Brian.

Yeah, and thanks
for the lecture on what
real music is, Mr. Griffin.

Jeez, how many Snickers
could they eat in
a five-minute car ride?

Ah, crap,
somebody left their gym bag.

God, it would've been
real easy to bring
a gun in here.

Where the hell did they go?

Whoops.

Wow!

Holy crap. That was Patty.

She's got a smoking hot body.

This is a bigger surprise
than when I found out
Joe was a clown.

I think that belongs to me.

I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.

Okay.

You won't tell anyone,
will you?
No.

You can tell people.

Hey, so how was the spa?

Oh, it was fine.

Though I don't know why
they made us face each other

during the mother-daughter
bikini wax.

Did you two have
a nice afternoon?
Sure did.

I made a million dollars!

What? How?

Carter sent $100,000
to a Nigerian prince

who's gonna give him a million.

Oh, Peter, don't tell me
you two fell for that scam.

What? What are you
talking about?

It's the oldest
e-mail scam out there.

Assets are frozen,
you cover legal fees.
Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, my God, he did say,
"Blah, blah, blah."

You're never
getting that money back.

What? So that money's
just been Josh Hartnett-ed?

What's that?
Gone! Disappeared!

Never to be heard from again!

Isn't he in that Showtime
thing with the blood
and the hats?

Look, the point
is I was swindled.

I guess so.

Well, come on, Mom,

the man was very specific
that we need to go put
lotion on each other.

Jeez, I'm really sorry, Carter.

But at least you
have your health.

Oh.

You know, this is your fault.

You're the one who
said I should do it!

Mmm-hmm. There's
that judgy-ness Babs

is always calling
me and talking about.

Look, nobody steals
from Carter Pewterschmidt.

I am going to Africa
and getting my money back.

And you're coming with me.

Africa? We're going to Africa?
I wonder if it will change us.

But, of course,
it did change us.

I've been working
here for 50 years,
pretending I'm a woman.

Do you ever regret
not having children,
Mother Bernadette?

Oh, I've had many children.

We now return
to Kevin James Got Too
Fat to be in Movies.

Kevin James,
why did you have to
come back to television?

I ate Adam Sandler.

Yoo-hoo!

I'm in here with the pizza.

Okay, time to go to Africa
and get my money back.

Are you ready?
I was born
three months early.

Peter, who's that at the door?

Oh, just so you know,
I didn't tell Lois
where we're going,

and I couldn't be
touched until I was two.

Daddy, what are
you doing here?
Oh, hey, Lois.

Uh, Carter and I are going
away for the next week or so.

You are? Where?
Oh, uh...

We're... I mean...
Um, Pinterest!

Wow. Sounds great.
Have fun.

This is getting easier.

Now I just say
daytime-mom words.

Okay, so see you soon,
and Chablis The View.

You too, sweetheart. Bye.

I'm telling you,
you wouldn't
believe Patty's body.

Just a tiny waist,
firm butt, great rack.

She's in high school.

I know, and she's
in high school.

It's, like,
7:00 a.m., dude.
Calm down.

Meg, hey, how's it going?

Uh, hey, Brian.

Cool, that's great to hear.

Hey, where's Patty?
Oh, I don't know.

Probably at her house?
You're hilarious, Meg.

Hey, so, what kind of movies
do you and your friends like?

Well, Ruth likes...
Not her.

Esther likes...
Not her.

I like...
Patty, just Patty.

Oh. She loves
anything where a teenage girl
is sick and dies of cancer.

Or any movie where
a character is named Patty.

Oh, she loses her mind for that.

Well, okay, Miss Chatterbox,
you better get off to school.

Wow, you're really
obsessed with Patty.

You want her even more
than I wanted the new iPhone.

How's it going?
Good.

Just looking forward
to getting that new phone.

What are you talking about?
This isn't the Apple store.

This is a super-gay club.

Yeah, right,

I leave and you get my phone.
Nice try, cutie pie.

Wow, there's so much
wildlife in Africa.

You know, they say there's
some animal species here

that haven't even
been discovered yet.

Is that right?
Yes, that is right.

Oh, my God, look over there!

That African warlord
is brutalizing those
innocent people.

Yeah, but it's okay,
because he's wearing
a large cowboy hat

and follows everything
with "hamburger,"

like that stand-up
comic from the '90s.

We are going to force
all these young boys
to be child soldiers.

Hamburger.

After 18 hours in the mines,

we are going to check
your butts for diamonds.

Hamburger.

I get it.

If you do not work on
my rubber plantation,
I will burn your tongues.

Oh, my God!

Hamburger.

Ah! I found him.

Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones.

He made it to YouTube.
Must be filthy rich.

Oh, my God!
I didn't expect to
see you guys here.

So teenagers know
about the mall, too?

Know what about the mall?
Yeah, right?

Boy, the day I'm having.

I actually made one too many
Build-a-Bears for
the cancer kids.

If only I could
build a cure, huh?

Aww.

Hey, you know what, Patty?
Why don't you take
the extra one?

Wow, thanks, Brian.

Yeah, that's cool, Brian.

Will you buy me
a hat at Lids?
No.

You know, Patty,
I've got $7.50 left
on my Panda Express card

if you want to split
a three-item combo.
No drink.

Sure!
Well, then, hop on board

the Panda Express!

In bed, right?

Like with the fortune cookies,
you know.

Brian, can I talk
to you for a second?

What the hell is going on?

You're hitting on
Patty and it's gross.

She's 18! Stop it!

Me? Meg, I am not even
going to dignify that
with a mall erection.

Don't... Don't look down.

Well, we made it.
East Bola.

All right,
let's find our "prince"
and get my money back.

Get down! On the ground!
Ahh!

This is unacceptable.

I demand to speak
to Anthony Anderson.

Okay, hold on.
Shoot me if you must,

but it is imperative
that I answer this call.

Yello?

Yes, this is Peter Griffin.

Yes, I did call you about
the eight-piece
lawn croquet set.

Now, it says "weathered,"
just how weathered is it?

Yeah, go ahead
and send me a pic,
that'd be very helpful.

Sir, shoot me if you must,

but it is imperative
that I look at these pictures.

The hell with this.

I'm getting my money back
if it's the last thing I do.

Hey, here's the guys.

Who are you and
why are you here?

I'm Carter Pewterschmidt,
and I'm here because
you stole my money!

You? You are
Carter Pewterschmidt?

You're damn right I am!

Oh! It's him!
It's the Great
Father Pewterschmidt!

What's happening?
What's he talking about?

You are a great hero to us.

It is with the money
that you sent

that we have been able
to make many wonderful
improvements to our village.

And he used my computer.

I'm Griff, by the way,
that's what everybody
calls me.

That's not true.
Nobody calls him that.

It was your money
that paid for the school,

a well to provide
clean drinking water,

our first health clinic,

and a Redbox with
one movie in it.

It's Baby Geniuses.

Which I, personally,
could begin watching

at any point in the film
and enjoy from there.

Yeah, that's how I
feel about that video

of Kelsey Grammer
falling off the stage.

I don't understand.

So there never was
a Nigerian prince?
No.

You see, no one will actually
give money to Africa unless
they are tricked into it.

So again, we thank
you for your generosity,
Father Pewterschmidt.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it
'cause I'm taking it all back.

What?
What?

You heard me!
Nobody steals from
Carter Pewterschmidt

and gets away with it!

Carter, why you being so mean?
The money's spent.

And look how happy
you made these people.

Talk to me.
It's your buddy Griff.

Tear it all down! Now.

Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa.

What is Kwanzaa?

Ah! I knew it wasn't real.

Hey, there, babe.
Hey, Brian.

You ready?
Got the Smash Mouth
cued up in the Pri.

Brian, what are you doing here?

I'm here to pick up Patty.

We're going to see a movie
called Brittany Finds a Lump.

You're parked
in Mr. Tackleman's space.

You're going on
a date with Patty?
I told you to back off.

And since when do
you wear high-tops?

What, my kicks?
Ah, it's nothing.

I just use these for Instagram.

That's something I like!

Shut up, Esther!
All right,
we're out of here.

Feel free to use
the seat warmer,
keep that box hot.

Jeez, I can't believe
you're going through
with this, Carter.

Paying these thugs
to tear down the village

isn't gonna bring
your money back.

This isn't about the money.

This is payback for
Sammy Davis dating Kim Novak.

Oh, come on,
Carter, don't do this.

You don't want to be
the first white guy
to do something bad to Africa.

Are you about done?

I'm supposed to
go lion shooting
with a scumbag dentist.

Oh, my God,
they're even taking down
the mosquito netting.

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

No, Carter,
I can't let you do this!

I won't stand by
and let you further
ruin this terrible place!

Oh, is that right?

Yes, that is right.

Here's $5,000.
Lock up that fat-ass.

Damn it, this sucks.

I may never get out of here.

Well, as a man falsely
imprisoned in Africa,

I have no choice
but to write a memoir
of my struggles.

"Chapter One.
Harry Potter's aunt
and uncle were super mean.

"'Spank me
harder, ' the lady says
to Fifty Shades of Grey.

"'That's Mr. Fifty Shades
of Grey to you,

"'Kate from Ben and Kate.'

"And then he turned
her butt inside out."

Because, sexy.

"'Isn't that special, '
said the Church Lady,

"before reporting for
her botched surgery.

"Anyway, I'm here in
a prison against my will,
and I should be free.

"The end."

Take this, Cheebo.

Take this to a French-Canadian
flight attendant.

And he will give
it to everybody.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story,
sinking newscaster.

Just kidding, it's the chair.

But, in other news,
domestic abuse
enthusiast Paul Simon

has released a new song

inspired by a memoir
written by Quahog's
own Peter Griffin,

who has been
falsely imprisoned
by his father-in-law

in an African jail.

Oh, for God's sake.

I bet there's not one word
about you in that book.

Wow! What a beautiful night.
Yeah.

Hey, I wonder if
any of those stars
are wishing on us, huh?

You're so deep.

I bet you you're
pretty deep, too.

Aw!

You're so sweet.

Why are you so nice to me?

Most guys never
give me the time of day
because I'm so plain-looking.

Well, I'm not like most guys.

I can see past that sweater.

Speaking of which,
why don't we get rid
of that big old thing?

Brian, stop!

You don't have
to do this, Patty.

Brian's just taking
advantage of you.

What? That's crazy!

What? Why would he do that?

Because you have
an amazing body.

I do?

But you're always
saying dumpy girls
like us only have each other.

You're not dumpy.

I was just saying that
because I was worried
you'd become popular

and not want to be
friends with us anymore.

Meg, I'm $18 into this evening,

so can you maybe
just get out of here?

Meg, that's silly.

I'll always be your friend.

You promise?

Oh, come on, what the hell?

Bummer. He's never
gonna get to hit that.
I know.

That's exactly
what I wished for.

Well, I actually wished
for it 30,000 years ago.

It's true.

Even at the speed of light,

mean-spirited
thoughts from the stars
can take thousands

or even millions of
years to reach the Earth.

Hamburger.

♪ There's a great
man locked up in a cell

♪ The African
folks all know him well

♪ He's a great
spirit with a lot to say

♪ That's why they
locked Peter Griffin away

♪ There's a breeze
that's in the air

♪ Peter Griffin in my hair

♪ Peter Griffin up my nose

♪ In my lungs
and down to my toes

♪ Peter Griffin in my skin

♪ Everybody breathe him in

♪ Peter Griffin

♪ Freedom for Peter Griffin

♪ Peter Griffin

♪ Let my Peter go ♪

Now wait,
let me get this straight.

None of you guys has
ever heard of Bono?

He says he knows you.

Daddy! What the hell
are you doing?

You threw Peter in jail?

Hey, pumpkin, welcome!

Whatever you do,
don't tell them
you have a clitoris.

Yeah, they told me
that at the embassy.

Look, I'm sorry
you got swindled,

but you can't
treat people this way.

You let Peter out of
that jail right now.

And give these people
back their health
clinic and their school.

No.
Hi, Lois!
I like your shorts!

Bye, Lois!

Oh, my God! Enough is enough!

That's your son-in-law!
And my husband!

I know how families work, Lois.

All right. Let him go.

Yay.

Lois, how much was your
flight and which card
did you put it on?

Daddy, I don't
understand any of this.

I mean,
you've always been grouchy,

but why are you
being so mean-spirited?

What's gotten into you?

What's gotten into me?
I'm angry!

For God's sake,
I can't even be left alone

in my own house
for an afternoon.

You have to drop
me off at your house

so this fat idiot
can babysit me!

I'm old and it sucks!

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I realize growing old is no fun,

but this is no way to act.

I know.

I'm sorry I almost
had you shot.
Oh, that's all right.

I got a fever of 108.

I'm not gonna
remember any of this.

And I'm sorry for what I did
to your village, Dave.

His name is "Dave"?
Yeah.

Get to know these people, okay?

Listen, when I get home,

I'll transfer enough money
so you can rebuild your town.

You've all been very kind.

Yeah, this has been great, guys.

Now all I need is
a group photo of me

kneeling in the front
of the village,

so I can brag about
what a good person I am.

♪ He's a great
spirit with a lot to say

♪ That's why they
locked Peter Griffin away

♪ There's a breeze
that's in the air

♪ Peter Griffin in my hair

♪ Peter Griffin up my nose

♪ In my lungs
and down to my toes

♪ Peter Griffin in my skin

♪ Everybody breathe him in

♪ Peter Griffin

♪ Freedom for Peter Griffin

♪ Peter Griffin

♪ Let my Peter go ♪