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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,273
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,710
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:14,880
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,250
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,503
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,232
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,956
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:29,862
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,546
We now return to Wes Anderson's
11
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:39,554
pan-up, pan-downFrench song, The End.
12
00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:49,631
Wow, that was amazing, I think.
13
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,766
All right, everyone.
14
00:00:50,834 --> 00:00:52,411
It's time to open up
our bank statements.
15
00:00:52,435 --> 00:00:54,069
Let's gather around for prayer.
16
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,205
Hey, God.
It's the Griffins.
17
00:00:57,274 --> 00:01:00,308
Again, we're very sorry
we cyberbullied
that girl to death,
18
00:01:00,377 --> 00:01:02,010
but we still want a snowmobile.
19
00:01:02,079 --> 00:01:05,080
Today though,
please let there be
money in our bank account.
20
00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:06,581
- Amen.
- Amen.
21
00:01:08,052 --> 00:01:10,485
Damn it. It didn't work.
We're still poor.
22
00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:13,555
Peter, every month
our savings get
smaller and smaller.
23
00:01:13,623 --> 00:01:15,290
We really got to
figure out a better way
24
00:01:15,358 --> 00:01:17,125
to budget for
this family's future.
25
00:01:17,194 --> 00:01:18,371
Bitcoin.
What?
26
00:01:18,395 --> 00:01:20,261
I don't know.
This is serious.
27
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,731
We need to think
about our kids' education.
28
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,333
Of course it's
already too late
for Meg to go to college.
29
00:01:25,402 --> 00:01:27,602
And Chris is too dumb
to get in anywhere.
30
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:28,936
Yay!
31
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:30,216
No, Chris.
Not "yay."
32
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,174
But there's still
time for Stewie.
33
00:01:32,242 --> 00:01:33,875
Let's sit down later
34
00:01:33,944 --> 00:01:36,255
and see if we can
figure out a plan
to get our finances in order.
35
00:01:36,279 --> 00:01:37,456
Don't worry about it, Lois.
36
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,458
I will always provide
for the family.
37
00:01:39,482 --> 00:01:41,328
Even if I have to
shoot our dinner.
38
00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,671
This will look
great in my study.
39
00:01:47,925 --> 00:01:50,525
I'm a hunter,
but I'm a silly hunter.
40
00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:02,554
Hey, don't fill up on that.
We got breakfast coming.
41
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,768
Hey, Peter, I think
I figured out one way
42
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:07,003
we can save money
for Stewie's college.
43
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,528
If we bundle our cable
and Internet together,
44
00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:11,830
we can save $14 a month.
45
00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:14,265
No. Bundling is
a sign of defeat.
46
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,967
Plus, I figured
out something better.
47
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,002
A metal detector.
What?
48
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,572
Yeah, combines two of
America's greatest resources.
49
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,673
Garbage and luck.
50
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:22,974
That's stupid, Peter.
51
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,187
Ah, you're just
saying that because
52
00:02:24,211 --> 00:02:26,445
the battery it uses
causes bladder cancer.
53
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:27,679
Well, then I'm off.
54
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,588
I shall be at the beach
looking for valuables
55
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,717
and occasionally
using a doorless bathroom.
56
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:32,934
Good day, madam.
57
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:40,642
We now return to
The Awkward Stepdad Show.
58
00:02:40,711 --> 00:02:42,655
Man, your mom's a real groaner.
59
00:02:42,679 --> 00:02:44,879
Do you hear that in your room?
60
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,226
Hey, Dad, where are you going?
61
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,345
Well, Meg, now that
I'm a metal detector guy,
62
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:52,070
I gotta start eating breakfast
at on-the-sand cafes
63
00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:55,840
where I will judge tourists
as my skin browns and hardens.
64
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,420
Stop throwing your kid's diapers
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00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,484
in the trash with
all the soda cans.
66
00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:06,321
Hey,
Lois, check out what I found
with my metal detector.
67
00:03:07,904 --> 00:03:09,971
Are those...
Are those Purple Hearts?
68
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,806
Yeah, some idiot
buried like 100 of them
69
00:03:11,875 --> 00:03:13,942
in this big lawn
under these bone cages.
70
00:03:14,011 --> 00:03:17,779
Peter, I think you desecrated
a military graveyard.
71
00:03:17,848 --> 00:03:20,915
Hey, guys. Like, four jeeps
just drove up
onto our front yard.
72
00:03:20,984 --> 00:03:23,229
They must be
here for the medals.
Maybe.
73
00:03:23,253 --> 00:03:26,538
Or it could be because of
my I'm Gonna Barf OnThe White House blog.
74
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:34,479
Ah, sweet.
75
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:40,051
Huh. Wonder what
happens if I turn it on
and point 'em at each other?
76
00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:44,990
Oh, my God.
77
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,425
Did you also call
into a talk show
78
00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:50,095
without turning
down your radio first?
79
00:03:53,383 --> 00:03:55,450
Jackpot.
80
00:03:55,518 --> 00:03:58,019
Wow, an iPad!
This thing finds everything.
81
00:03:58,856 --> 00:03:59,871
Engagement ring.
82
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,540
Family locket.
83
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:05,321
Sunglasses that
are an upgrade
over my current pair.
84
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,813
There he is!
There's the guy who's been
stealing everyone's stuff.
85
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:11,066
Don't yell at me!
I'm very sunburned.
86
00:04:12,803 --> 00:04:14,886
Go, crappy car. Go!
87
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,459
Peter, did you rob
a bunch of people
88
00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,261
on the beach with
your metal detector?
89
00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:24,707
Well, that's only
half the story.
90
00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:26,909
I also hooted at a lady
who was breast-feeding.
91
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,434
I want you to get rid
of that metal detector.
92
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,881
All you're doing is
getting into trouble
and digging up junk
93
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,872
when we really need
to be saving for
Stewie's college.
94
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,408
Tomorrow we are
going to the mall
95
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,075
and returning that
thing to the store.
96
00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:40,745
Okay, fine.
But you should know
97
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,692
the day I bought
this metal detector
98
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,076
was the happiest day of my life.
99
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,602
Well, obviously
the second happiest.
100
00:04:49,272 --> 00:04:53,474
♪ Now we'regonna do this thinga little different tonight
101
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:58,546
♪ You gonna come over
and pick me up in your ride
102
00:04:58,615 --> 00:05:01,182
Oh, my God.
I wasn't even
supposed to be here.
103
00:05:01,251 --> 00:05:04,318
I passed out at
the Tom Petty concert
last night and just stayed.
104
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:07,622
♪ You're gonna open my door
105
00:05:07,690 --> 00:05:10,859
♪ And I'ma reach
over and open yours
106
00:05:10,927 --> 00:05:13,728
♪ Gonna pay for dinner,
take me to see a movie
107
00:05:13,797 --> 00:05:17,598
♪ And whisper in my earhow bad youreally wanna do me ♪
108
00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:20,501
Please, go slow.
I have IBS.
109
00:05:25,842 --> 00:05:27,353
Well, I'm glad
the store was willing
110
00:05:27,377 --> 00:05:28,855
to take that
metal detector back.
111
00:05:28,879 --> 00:05:30,389
All right,
let's go to the food court.
112
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,980
I love eating Panda Express
113
00:05:32,049 --> 00:05:34,115
while squeezing our purchases
between our knees
114
00:05:34,184 --> 00:05:35,516
'cause someone might grab 'em.
115
00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:37,518
God, the mall sucks.
Doesn't it, kids?
116
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,938
If I had a credit card,
I'd shop online.
117
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,569
Oh, hey, Bonnie,
what are you guys
doing here?
118
00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:43,725
Oh, hey, Lois.
119
00:05:43,794 --> 00:05:45,727
We saw an ad
looking for a toddler
120
00:05:45,796 --> 00:05:47,762
to appear in
a peanut butter commercial,
121
00:05:47,831 --> 00:05:50,148
and we thought we'd bring Susie.
122
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:51,827
Joe, are you wearing a corsage?
123
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,886
Yeah, you can get
a really good deal
on them after prom season.
124
00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:56,521
They're for girls, Joe.
125
00:05:56,589 --> 00:06:00,408
Hey, Peter?
Why don't you let me do me,
and you do you. Okay?
126
00:06:00,477 --> 00:06:02,209
"Peanut butter commercial," huh?
127
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:03,978
Hey, Brian,
maybe you should audition.
128
00:06:04,047 --> 00:06:06,058
You know,
because of that one time
you got in the trash
129
00:06:06,082 --> 00:06:08,015
and ate a whole jar of
recalled peanut butter.
130
00:06:08,084 --> 00:06:09,261
It wasn't peanut butter,
131
00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:11,553
it was that pre-mixed
peanut butter and jelly thing.
132
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,154
Oh, Mom bought that?
133
00:06:13,222 --> 00:06:15,707
That's what
the scab kid at
school always has.
134
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,944
That was really great, Jake.
Really, really great.
135
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,213
Your face is upside-down
so we're not gonna pick you,
136
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:22,830
but thanks for coming.
137
00:06:22,899 --> 00:06:24,466
Hey, hey, this is you.
138
00:06:24,535 --> 00:06:27,302
"I'm Brian.
I like garbage
peanut butter.
139
00:06:27,371 --> 00:06:30,205
"And I wear my
'I voted' sticker
for a week and a half."
140
00:06:30,274 --> 00:06:32,607
Nom, nom, nom, nom!
141
00:06:32,676 --> 00:06:35,910
I'm sorry. We're
looking for more of a...
Nom, nom, nom, nom!
142
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,230
Bob, look over there.
143
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,498
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!
144
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,634
Whose kid is that?
145
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,219
Oh, that's our son, Stewie.
146
00:06:45,288 --> 00:06:48,556
He's adorable.
And exactly what
we're looking for.
147
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:52,343
Congratulations.
Your son is the new
peanut butter kid.
148
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,345
My God!
I don't believe it.
149
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,781
That's so cool.
150
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,827
Hey, what's Dad
doing over there
with Chris?
151
00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,713
Oh, he's telling him
that he's no longer
his favorite son.
152
00:07:04,107 --> 00:07:05,874
No!
153
00:07:06,276 --> 00:07:07,742
No!
154
00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:14,382
Daddy! Daddy!
155
00:07:22,225 --> 00:07:25,385
I didn't even tell him.
He just does not
like to be touched.
156
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,763
Thanks for coming
to the viewing party
157
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,754
for Stewie's commercial,
everybody.
158
00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:38,456
We're sorry that it's airing
during 2 Broke Girls,
159
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,570
but we have no
control over that.
160
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,639
Thanks for coming to
my big night, Brian.
161
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,396
I see you got all dressed up
in your exposed wiener.
162
00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,543
Quiet, everybody.
Here it comes.
163
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:51,503
Welcome home, honey.
164
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:54,189
There's my family.
165
00:07:54,257 --> 00:07:56,135
Hey, wait.
Where's the baby?
166
00:07:56,159 --> 00:07:58,460
Well, he likes his hero dad,
167
00:07:58,528 --> 00:08:01,129
but he loves
Scooter's Peanut Butter.
168
00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:04,966
Nom, nom, nom, nom!
Nom, nom, nom, nom!
169
00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:08,314
So good your baby
will wanna eat it
170
00:08:08,338 --> 00:08:10,354
in an airport terminal bathroom.
171
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:11,850
Yeah, Stewie!
172
00:08:11,874 --> 00:08:14,275
He's a baby
who did a baby thing.
173
00:08:14,344 --> 00:08:15,743
Let's all calm down a little.
174
00:08:15,812 --> 00:08:18,346
Oh, I can't believe
Stewie's a commercial star.
175
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,858
We haven't had
a celebrity in the family
176
00:08:19,882 --> 00:08:22,300
since my great-aunt
Queen of Burlesque Griffin.
177
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,369
♪ Cheesy jokes
178
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,072
♪ And ugly broads
179
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,341
♪ Way back when
180
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,476
♪ They had no porn
181
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:37,815
♪ Just scarves,
fans, fat, gross
182
00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:40,251
♪ A terrible time
183
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:43,070
♪ For your penis
to live in ♪
184
00:08:47,544 --> 00:08:50,478
Bill. Bill. Bill.
185
00:08:50,547 --> 00:08:53,181
Weird magazine
about our town
that's just ads.
186
00:08:53,249 --> 00:08:55,416
Hmm, this one's for Stewie.
187
00:08:55,485 --> 00:08:57,818
Whoa! A check for $2,000!
188
00:08:57,887 --> 00:08:59,320
Let me see that.
189
00:08:59,389 --> 00:09:02,256
It's a royalty check
from Stewie's commercial.
190
00:09:02,325 --> 00:09:05,026
Apparently, he gets
paid every time it airs.
191
00:09:05,095 --> 00:09:06,295
This is great.
192
00:09:06,329 --> 00:09:08,662
We can put it right into
Stewie's college fund.
193
00:09:08,731 --> 00:09:10,398
Yeah, yeah, but, you know,
194
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,700
maybe we should keep
a little bit out to celebrate.
195
00:09:12,768 --> 00:09:14,146
I mean,
I ain't done nothing fancy
196
00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:17,038
since I bought
those rich guy socks.
197
00:09:17,107 --> 00:09:21,042
Ah, there. I'm ready
to get caught cheating
with my secretary.
198
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,035
Welcome, folks.
Would you like flat
or sparkling water to start?
199
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,214
Garden hose will be fine.
200
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,738
We prefer it to be
hot and then metally.
201
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:37,008
Actually, Peter,
let's go for
the sparkling water.
202
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,644
I mean, we are celebrating
our little commercial star
203
00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:41,313
and his big payday.
204
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,714
Oh, I don't care
about that, ma'am.
205
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,628
You know, this is
a nice dinner and all,
206
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,630
but I thought you guys
were gonna save
this commercial money
207
00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,154
for Stewie's college fund?
208
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,958
We are saving it, Brian.
This is just
a little celebration.
209
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,071
The rest of it is
going right in the bank.
210
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,307
Yeah, and besides,
it's been a while
since we ate at a place
211
00:09:57,331 --> 00:09:59,909
where if you ask for ketchup,
they look at you
like you're dirt.
212
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,577
You know,
Stewie actually got a call
213
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,279
for another commercial tomorrow.
214
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,014
Who knows?
This could be the beginning
215
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,688
of a nice career for him.
216
00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:08,334
You sure about this, Lois?
217
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,157
I mean,
the world of child acting
218
00:10:10,227 --> 00:10:12,338
can be a pretty bad
environment for a kid.
219
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,458
Maybe we should just let
Stewie's childhood be
about being a child.
220
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,322
Wasn't your kid an actor,
you jagoff?
221
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:19,278
Didn't your father
hate your guts and die?
222
00:10:19,302 --> 00:10:21,836
Whoa! Bring a gun
to a knife fight.
223
00:10:21,905 --> 00:10:23,571
Look, I'm sorry.
224
00:10:23,639 --> 00:10:26,757
All I'm saying is, just
try to keep Stewie's
best interests in mind.
225
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,693
Relax, Brian.
Stewie's fine.
226
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:31,863
I mean, look at him.
He's happier than
a sunny-side up egg.
227
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,810
What a great way
to start the day.
228
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,800
What a pan! What a grill!
229
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:38,469
Oh, no! I'm at Denny's!
230
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,805
Hey, I'm a drug addict
and it's midnight.
231
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,307
Where's my breakfast?
232
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:45,643
Help!
He's only gonna eat the toast
and put a cigarette out on me.
233
00:10:50,032 --> 00:10:53,212
Okay, Stewie. You booked
the last commercial
without even trying,
234
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,047
so this one should
be a piece of cake.
235
00:10:57,207 --> 00:11:00,741
Oh, I guess
there are other people
auditioning, too.
236
00:11:00,810 --> 00:11:04,212
Oh, is your child
up for the cough syrup
commercial, too?
237
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:05,491
You'd have no way
of knowing this,
238
00:11:05,515 --> 00:11:08,416
but the moms tend to dress up.
239
00:11:08,485 --> 00:11:10,284
Oh, thank you.
240
00:11:10,353 --> 00:11:11,873
And you'd have no
way of knowing that
241
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,088
my son is the Scooter's
Peanut Butter kid.
242
00:11:14,157 --> 00:11:15,723
That's cute.
243
00:11:15,791 --> 00:11:19,260
My son had a gun
waved in his face
in a Dexter episode.
244
00:11:19,329 --> 00:11:21,140
Are you guys
talking about your kids?
245
00:11:21,164 --> 00:11:25,266
My daughter is
the American Apparel
slut baby.
246
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:29,137
My son got crapped on
in the last Jackass movie.
247
00:11:29,205 --> 00:11:32,056
God, everyone here
is so talented.
248
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,168
Hi, everybody.
249
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,637
We're a little
crunched for time,
250
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:37,662
so we're gonna have
to audition people
right here in the hallway.
251
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,642
You, do something exceptional.
252
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:41,366
Uh, okay.
253
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,942
Oh, my grundle!
It's bruised.
254
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,343
It's bruised bad.
255
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,879
Oh, okay, I'm out.
I'm out. Tapping out.
256
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,815
Well, that was a disaster.
257
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,050
It was humiliating
is what it was.
258
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:03,388
That woman just smiled
when Stewie banged
his balls on the floor.
259
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:04,656
A damn disaster.
260
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,425
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!
261
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,976
Shut up! That's over.
262
00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:11,423
Did you see
those other kids?
They were amazing.
263
00:12:11,447 --> 00:12:14,516
One of them was texting with
the funny dumb kid
from Modern Family.
264
00:12:14,584 --> 00:12:15,917
I wanna text with that kid.
265
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,763
Holy Christmas!
There were a lot of
266
00:12:17,787 --> 00:12:20,171
hot moms in yoga
pants in there, though.
267
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,807
Dear me.
They're really
disappointed in me, Rupert.
268
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,386
I haven't seen
the fat man this upset
269
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,330
since he went to
the 9/11 museum.
270
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:28,646
Lois made us do this,
271
00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:31,249
but I wanted to go
to the Central Park
merry-go-round.
272
00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:32,467
We had time to do both.
273
00:12:38,241 --> 00:12:39,241
What the hell?
274
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,841
Okay.
That's great, that's great.
Just one question, Stewie.
275
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,488
Do you get pleasure
out of humiliating
your family?
276
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,646
Yeah. Is there some
kind of sick joy in it?
277
00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,525
Why can't he just
be Pierce Brosnan?
278
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,760
Pierce Brosnan
would have got this.
279
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,317
In a heartbeat.
280
00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:08,497
It's 3:00 in the morning.
What the hell
are you guys doing?
281
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,688
What does it look like?
We're practicing.
282
00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,234
Stewie has another
audition tomorrow,
283
00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:14,303
and we're not
gonna be embarrassed
like we were today.
284
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:16,627
See? This is
the kind of thing
I was talking about.
285
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:18,462
And look at him.
He can barely stand up.
286
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:21,516
That's why I made this.
I call it "8-hour ENERGY".
287
00:13:21,584 --> 00:13:23,183
It's one part 5-hour ENERGY,
288
00:13:23,252 --> 00:13:24,663
and the other three hours
are espresso,
289
00:13:24,687 --> 00:13:25,865
Scotts Turf Builder,
290
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:29,034
and a tiny, tiny,
super small amount
of cocaine.
291
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,202
Just a little bit.
292
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,159
I can't stress
the littleness of it enough.
293
00:13:33,830 --> 00:13:36,997
Whoa! Mama,
there's a kick
like a mule.
294
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:39,867
♪ Who will buy
this wonderful morning?
295
00:13:39,936 --> 00:13:42,236
♪ Such a sky you
never did see ♪
296
00:13:42,305 --> 00:13:44,149
There he is.
There's the magic.
297
00:13:44,173 --> 00:13:47,241
Peter,
you're giving your baby drugs
to improve his acting career?
298
00:13:47,310 --> 00:13:48,709
Oh, he's fine with it.
299
00:13:48,778 --> 00:13:50,778
Stewie,
if you're fine with it,
bleed from the nose.
300
00:13:52,181 --> 00:13:53,748
I think that's pretty close.
301
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:06,471
All right, Stewie.
Now remember
what we practiced last night.
302
00:14:06,495 --> 00:14:08,396
And here's a trick
to keep that confidence up.
303
00:14:08,464 --> 00:14:10,231
You go in that room and imagine
304
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,499
everyone in it
wants you sexually.
305
00:14:12,568 --> 00:14:13,867
I'm doing it right now.
306
00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:16,554
And I feel powerful.
Okay.
307
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:18,684
And don't forget.
If you screw this up,
308
00:14:18,708 --> 00:14:20,453
Mommy's gonna kill
all of your toys.
309
00:14:20,477 --> 00:14:21,809
Okay.
310
00:14:21,877 --> 00:14:24,117
All right. Now I'm gonna go
psych out these other kids.
311
00:14:24,714 --> 00:14:27,815
Hey, little guy.
Nervous? Sure you are.
312
00:14:27,884 --> 00:14:29,324
Here's something
that might help you.
313
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:33,137
Hey, little guy.
314
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,439
Stewie Griffin.
Oh, right here.
315
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:38,468
Peter, he needs a boost.
Give him some of
the acting soup.
316
00:14:40,863 --> 00:14:42,696
I wanna say curse words.
317
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:48,063
Okay, Stewie,
you're just gonna
drink this juice,
318
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:50,621
then say, "Mmm..."
And rub your belly.
319
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:51,809
Yeah, yeah, you got it.
320
00:14:53,509 --> 00:14:55,626
Yay! Bye, juice!
321
00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:57,694
That was amazing.
I've got goose bumps.
322
00:14:57,763 --> 00:14:58,963
I want him sexually.
323
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,782
Well, Mom, Dad,
324
00:15:01,851 --> 00:15:04,385
I think we've got our
new orange juice boy.
325
00:15:04,453 --> 00:15:06,320
Does this guy really think
we're his parents?
326
00:15:06,389 --> 00:15:08,690
Stewie got the part? Yes!
327
00:15:08,758 --> 00:15:11,559
That is how you do it!
328
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,017
Oh, hey, Brian.
What's going on?
329
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,229
Where's the fridge?
330
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,336
We got a new one.
331
00:15:21,404 --> 00:15:23,148
Stewie booked that
orange juice commercial,
332
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,685
so we thought we'd make
a few upgrades
around the house.
333
00:15:25,709 --> 00:15:28,725
Yeah. I even bought an awesome
voice-activated 3-D printer.
334
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,723
Why the hell do you
need a 3-D printer?
335
00:15:30,747 --> 00:15:32,479
Print coyote.
336
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:40,705
Heel! Heel! Heel!
337
00:15:40,757 --> 00:15:42,289
I can't make him
attack you, Brian.
338
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,536
But if I keep printing them,
eventually one
will go after you.
339
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,728
That money is supposed to be
for Stewie's college.
340
00:15:46,796 --> 00:15:49,630
He's an actor, you idiot.
He doesn't need college.
341
00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:52,211
Look, I just don't
think any of this is
good for Stewie.
342
00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:53,968
It's great for Stewie.
343
00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:55,136
He's becoming a star.
344
00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:56,771
That's right.
345
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,506
Man, this must be
what it's like to be
Anne Hathaway's parents.
346
00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:03,010
Oh, that's Anne's car.
347
00:16:03,079 --> 00:16:04,159
Ugh.
348
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,878
Hey, Stewie.
Can I talk to you...
349
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,802
What are you doing?
I don't know.
350
00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:15,606
Mom and Dad just stuck
a book on my head and left.
351
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,620
Stewie, look at you.
You're a wreck.
352
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,688
And for what?
So Peter and Lois
can spend the money
353
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,857
you earned on crap
they don't even need?
354
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:25,482
Uh, I'm not
supposed to use my voice
for non-paying stuff, Brian.
355
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,596
This is insane!
You've got to stop!
356
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,454
Oh, stop worrying.
I'm fine.
357
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,690
And besides,
the fat man knows
what he's doing.
358
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,236
No, he doesn't.
He's an idiot.
359
00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:35,504
You remember?
He couldn't even figure out
360
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,368
how to use
a hotel business center.
361
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,564
So, what business are you in?
362
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,310
Oh, I'm just here
to look at other
people's e-mails
363
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:43,567
who haven't logged out.
364
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,036
Then how's business?
365
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:48,117
Well, I have left some
pretty wild replies on
a bunch of e-vites.
366
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:51,275
Look at this.
"I'm bringing 53 guests."
367
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:53,878
You're the coolest
guy I've ever met
in one of these things.
368
00:16:59,736 --> 00:17:02,770
Oh, hey.
You caught me pigging out.
369
00:17:02,839 --> 00:17:05,439
I'm dipping this celery stalk
into some lemon water.
370
00:17:05,508 --> 00:17:06,974
But don't freak out.
371
00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:08,821
I'm just gonna smell it
and then throw it
in the trash.
372
00:17:08,845 --> 00:17:10,388
Stewie, this has
gotten out of control.
373
00:17:10,412 --> 00:17:12,212
If you're gonna
continue on this path,
374
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,115
you need to know
what your future holds.
375
00:17:14,183 --> 00:17:16,851
Being a child actor
almost never ends well.
376
00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:18,463
You remember that kid
from A Christmas Story
377
00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:20,047
who got his tongue
stuck to that pole?
378
00:17:20,089 --> 00:17:21,433
Yeah, whatever happened to him?
379
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:23,024
I'll tell you
what happened to him.
380
00:17:23,092 --> 00:17:24,224
He did porn.
381
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,460
Boner from Growing Pains?
Dead.
382
00:17:26,529 --> 00:17:28,406
Screech from
Saved by the Bell? Porn.
383
00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:29,596
Corey Haim? Dead.
384
00:17:29,666 --> 00:17:31,786
Dana Plato?
Porn, then dead.
385
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:33,534
Oh, no, this is horrible.
386
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,953
You see, Stewie,
there are tons of
actors like this.
387
00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:37,921
They all started out
just like you,
388
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,524
but eventually
they were destroyed
by their parents' greed,
389
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,626
drugs, or perverted
Hollywood directors.
390
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,495
Oh, like Bryan Singer.
Exactly.
391
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,897
The point is, it's a dark path.
392
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:49,666
My God, I had no idea
it could be so bad.
393
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,147
Brian, I don't want
to act anymore.
Good.
394
00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:54,305
Now we just gotta make
Peter and Lois understand.
395
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:55,551
Yes, well, if they
want to make me
396
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,219
into a monster
like those people,
397
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,909
we'll give them a monster.
398
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,778
Like when
Godzilla attacked Haiti.
399
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:06,617
Oh, my God.
400
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:19,992
Peter, did you get my text?
401
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,048
No, hold on.
402
00:18:22,919 --> 00:18:24,630
No, I don't know
what he's doing here.
403
00:18:24,654 --> 00:18:27,054
Okay, Stewie,
when Barbara hands you
that orange juice,
404
00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:28,756
you're gonna drink it and smile.
405
00:18:28,825 --> 00:18:31,125
And really show us that energy
from your audition.
406
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,105
Hold on a second,
he's got a smudge
on his face.
407
00:18:33,129 --> 00:18:34,739
Let me just take care
of that for you guys.
408
00:18:34,763 --> 00:18:35,862
Here, drink this.
409
00:18:35,931 --> 00:18:37,498
I threw a little
Molly in there, too,
410
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:39,099
so we'll go out
clubbing afterwards.
411
00:18:43,739 --> 00:18:44,922
Hey, you want this?
412
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,440
Sure, I'll drink anything.
413
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,141
All right, action!
414
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,445
As a mom,
I want my kids to
start their day right.
415
00:18:51,513 --> 00:18:53,273
And there's no better
way than with a glass
416
00:18:53,315 --> 00:18:56,083
of fresh-squeezed
Sunnydale Orange Juice.
417
00:18:56,151 --> 00:18:57,417
Isn't that right, sweetie?
418
00:18:57,486 --> 00:18:58,686
Shut your hole, bitch!
419
00:18:58,754 --> 00:19:00,799
I'll tell you what I want
fresh-squeezed. These.
420
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,476
What the hell's he doing?
He's blowing this.
421
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,912
Oh, here's what I
think of this orange juice.
422
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,352
I can't...
I can't go right now
with everybody watching.
423
00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:18,656
But I presume you understand
the disrespect I intended.
424
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,758
Oh, my God,
he's having a meltdown.
425
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:22,104
You don't suppose
this has anything to do
426
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,295
with the sleep
deprivation and narcotics?
427
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,864
Oh, Peter, what have
we been thinking?
428
00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:29,950
It's us.
We're the ones who
turned him into this.
429
00:19:30,019 --> 00:19:31,918
Get this kid out of here!
He's fired.
430
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,939
Well done.
Not a bad performance.
431
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,442
Thank you, Brian.
I... Oh, there's the poop.
432
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:39,743
Right now.
433
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:43,080
Oh, Stewie,
Mommy and Daddy
are so sorry.
434
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:45,383
I guess we just got
too caught up in your success
435
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,818
and forgot that
you're just a baby.
436
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,287
You were right, Brian.
437
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,435
I guess we pushed
Stewie a little too hard.
438
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:55,275
Well, the good news is
that now he can go back
to being a regular kid.
439
00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:00,109
Why are you
winking at our baby,
you creep?
440
00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:03,493
God, that's weird.
I don't want to ever
see that happen again.
441
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:10,257
Well, we went
a little crazy there,
didn't we, Peter?
442
00:20:10,326 --> 00:20:12,326
But I'm glad we have our normal,
443
00:20:12,394 --> 00:20:14,445
very average,
non-famous baby back.
444
00:20:14,497 --> 00:20:16,775
You know, I was once
a very famous baby.
445
00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:18,532
Were you, Peter?
No.
446
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:20,545
But you see how easy it is
for me to lie to you?
447
00:20:20,569 --> 00:20:22,036
I do it every day.
448
00:20:22,105 --> 00:20:24,216
Anyway,
it looks like everything
worked out for the best.
449
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,451
You know, Brian,
that acting stuff
was a bit much for me,
450
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:29,276
but I did quite enjoy
the dancing and the cocaine.
451
00:20:29,345 --> 00:20:30,656
Yeah?
Yep.
452
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,624
So you're just gonna be
a dancer and a drug addict?
453
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,881
For a while.
I might crash when I'm 18,
454
00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:37,284
but then I'll
just turn to the Lord
and working out.
455
00:20:37,353 --> 00:20:41,989
I'll just be a 180-degree
different type
of insufferable.
456
00:20:42,057 --> 00:20:44,002
I used to need
drugs to feel powerful,
457
00:20:44,026 --> 00:20:46,694
but now my power
comes from my core strength.
458
00:20:46,762 --> 00:20:48,474
And let's look at
that word, "strength."
459
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,442
The "S" stands for sacrifice.
460
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,165
No gain without sacrifice.
461
00:20:52,234 --> 00:20:55,335
The "T," of course,
stands for the sufferings
of the cross.
462
00:20:55,404 --> 00:20:56,882
The "R..."
You want some cocaine?
463
00:20:56,906 --> 00:20:58,016
Oh, my God, please, yes!
464
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,200
That's all I want all the time!
36377
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