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1
00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:08,341
The law clearly
stipulates that no person
2
00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:10,385
shall withhold payment
for services rendered.
3
00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:13,555
Agreed, but when a haircut
is this bad...
4
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:19,686
...hasn't he already
paid enough?
5
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:22,313
Not guilty, but I will
recommend house arrest
6
00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:25,191
for three to four weeks--
and a really big hat.
7
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:29,362
I feel your pain. One time,
I asked for "the Rachel."
8
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:31,489
Now I know to specify "Maddow."
9
00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:34,701
Oh, so that's our last case
of the night?
10
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,870
Yep! Another early one,
all thanks to Wyatt.
11
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,288
Yeah, I learned
from my DJ days
12
00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:39,539
it's all about the setlist.
13
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,708
You set the tone
with animal cases up top,
14
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,501
get things moving with
the drunk and disorderlies,
15
00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:45,086
and then we build to the drop--
16
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,963
muggings, muggings,
muggings, muggings,
17
00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:48,131
muggings, muggings, muggings!
18
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:51,259
Ah-ah-ah! Sex in public!
19
00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,261
Where my pervs at?!
20
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,475
Gurgs, what do you think?
21
00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,061
Go straight home to your place
or take the scenic route again?
22
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,729
- Hmm.
- 3:00 a.m., New York City.
23
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,107
That's more of the...
crime scenic route, right?
24
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,234
By "scenic,"
she means "Sea Nick's",
25
00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:10,695
New York's
only underwater-themed
26
00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:12,155
male strip club.
27
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:14,407
All the dancers are named Nick.
28
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:15,533
Ugh.
29
00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:18,119
They'll hire you
if your name isn't Nick.
30
00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:19,913
Uh, so I've heard.
31
00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:22,832
So you two are living together?
- I'm staying with Gurgs
32
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:24,542
because there was a murder
in my building.
33
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:27,170
You would not believe
what a true-crime podcaster
34
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,505
is paying to sublet my place.
35
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:31,257
[Laughing]
I am cleaning up!
36
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,592
Which the killer also did,
37
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,303
because they have found
no clues.
38
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:36,721
Them living together
was my idea.
39
00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:38,515
They're like Bert and Ernie
except without
40
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:41,101
the palpable sexual tension.
41
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,687
Speaking of, Judge, there's
a cutie in the gallery
42
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,397
who's been checking you out
all night.
43
00:01:45,397 --> 00:01:47,440
- Really? You sure?
- Definitely.
44
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,567
And it really stands out
because most people
45
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:52,362
don't pay you
any attention at all.
46
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:53,822
Last night, I counted zero.
47
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,490
I mean, you would think that,
even accidentally,
48
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:57,409
someone would glance--
- Okay, yeah, yeah, fine.
49
00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,494
I get it.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
50
00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:02,914
I just have to...
come up with the perfect line.
51
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,833
Come on, brain. Come on, brain.
52
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,459
Ah! Got it.
53
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,169
Fun fact-- did you know
54
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,005
the most common crime of passion
is murder?
55
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,631
Hi. I'm Abby.
56
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,174
Fun fact--
the term "Fun Fact"
57
00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:16,886
was first used in a 1970s
newspaper ad for Wrigley's gum.
58
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:19,055
Is it even worth
saying my name after that?
59
00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:20,640
It's-- It's Jake.
60
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,475
Is this how most
conversations start?
61
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,060
It's probably
how a lot of them end.
62
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,312
I haven't seen you around
here, which is a good thing
63
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,897
'cause it means
you're not a criminal.
64
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:30,358
Well, get ready to see a
little bit more of me tomorrow.
65
00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,694
Wow. Blond guys are easy.
66
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:35,822
Unfortunately, tomorrow,
I have this stupid
67
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,616
"Sensitivity and Respect
in the Workplace" seminar.
68
00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:41,745
Unless you want to come to that.
Nah. That'd be weird.
69
00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:45,498
It'll be weirder
if I don't come. I'm running it.
70
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:48,293
That should have been
your fun fact.
71
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,545
But I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.
72
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,630
I run a pretty sensitive
and respectful courtroom.
73
00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:54,674
Yeah, I gotta say--
for an underwater strip club,
74
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:57,635
Sea Nick's
has a top-notch website.
75
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:01,848
Come on. That thing would sink.
76
00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:11,816
{\an8}♪
77
00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:14,110
{\an8}Flobert? You're coming to
our sensitivity training?
78
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:17,739
{\an8}Yes. And with that tone,
seems like you need it.
79
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,992
{\an8}- There he is. Satur-Dan!
- Ugh.
80
00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,827
{\an8}You're happy to be here
on a Saturday, huh?
81
00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:25,205
{\an8}You don't have that part
of your brain that tells you
82
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,165
{\an8}when things are bad?!
83
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,793
{\an8}I know this seminar
isn't your idea of a good time,
84
00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,045
{\an8}but maybe please be nice?
- Nice?
85
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:36,341
{\an8}That ship has sailed, sunk, and
hasn't been found in 30 years.
86
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,385
{\an8}Why do you care how I act, anyway?
87
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:39,969
{\an8}Happy Saturday.
88
00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:42,555
{\an8}Not if I see you first!
89
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:45,433
{\an8}I get it. You like that guy.
90
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,727
{\an8}Shut up. No, I don't.
Do you think he likes me?
91
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:49,562
{\an8}Also, do you think
he likes brunch?
92
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,606
{\an8}Because I made reservations
hoping we finish early.
93
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,024
{\an8}Oh, good.
So we want the same thing.
94
00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,693
{\an8}To go splitsies
on eggs Benedict
95
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:57,445
{\an8}and chocolate-chip pancakes, get
a little sweet, a little salty?
96
00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,072
{\an8}No.
For this to be over quickly.
97
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:02,450
{\an8}But you know what? Yeah, I'll go
splitsies on the seminar.
98
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,746
{\an8}I know. No one wants
to be here on a Saturday.
99
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,581
{\an8}Personally,
I'd rather be hiking.
100
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:11,751
{\an8}And would you be doing that
with a wife or a girlfriend...
101
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,753
{\an8}or just you
in your doorless Jeep
102
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:16,423
{\an8}with a German Shepherd rescue
who wears a bandana?
103
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,174
{\an8}It's a good idea
you bring this up
104
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:21,678
{\an8}before the sexual-harassment
part of the seminar.
105
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,264
{\an8}Dan, some of us would like
to know if they find Nemo.
106
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,683
{\an8}Okay. You hold it, then.
107
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,268
{\an8}I promise this will be quick.
108
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,270
{\an8}We just need to
get through... this.
109
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,938
{\an8}[ Thud ]
110
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,649
{\an8}I'm kidding. Can you imagine?
- [ Laughs ]
111
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,777
{\an8}'Cause it's so much bigger
than a regular binder!
112
00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:41,698
{\an8}I know she doesn't want
to die alone, but come on.
113
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,283
{\an8}Let's start with
a hypothetical.
114
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,951
{\an8}You're hanging out
with two co-workers
115
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,078
{\an8}when they get into an argument
and one of them leaves crying.
116
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,164
What do you do?
- Great question, Jake.
117
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,582
When I see an upset co-worker,
118
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,876
I follow a triage method
based on warmth.
119
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:56,629
First level is warm words.
Next is a warm hug.
120
00:04:56,629 --> 00:05:00,633
Code red is warm cookies.
Those hug you from the inside.
121
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,472
[Hushed] This is why
no one looks at you.
122
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,308
Sorry, Mister
"Name Tags Are Stupid."
123
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,435
You'd handle this differently?
124
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,020
First of all,
I wouldn't be "hanging out"
125
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,855
with any co-workers,
and if I found myself
126
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:17,400
in that situation,
I would fake a heart attack.
127
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,861
And when they ask me the next
day if I was feeling better,
128
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:24,324
instead of answering, I would
fake another heart attack.
129
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,658
Actually,
boundaries are important.
130
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,619
That is a perfect answer.
- Ah. That's fun.
131
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:29,996
Two people can be right
on the same hypothetical.
132
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,581
No. Yours was wrong.
133
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:35,001
Ooh! He liked mine better,
yours not at all.
134
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,253
We find when employees
keep their work
135
00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,672
and personal lives separate,
136
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,340
it makes for
a more productive workplace.
137
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,677
Well, here, we like to blend
the personal and work.
138
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,512
You can call it "wersonal"
139
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,138
or you can call it "pork."
140
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:48,473
Both are equally bad.
141
00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:49,933
The important thing is,
142
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,352
we all feel valued
and appreciated.
143
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,853
[ Snorts ]
144
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:57,607
Oh, I thought that snort
was in my head.
145
00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,026
Wyatt, is there something
you'd like to say?
146
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,737
It's just a snort.
There doesn't have to be
something behind it.
147
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,614
Well, in my line of work,
when you hear a snort,
148
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,366
there's a story to report.
149
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,867
There's no way that's a saying.
150
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,787
No, it is. I saw it on a mug.
151
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,997
As someone who's winning
at sensitivity,
152
00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:16,459
I think it's important
to hear what he has to say.
153
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:17,919
Okay.
154
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:20,296
It bothers me that
you never say "thank you."
155
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,215
Ooh!
156
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,926
I thought we all were
gonna make that noise.
157
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:28,388
I just don't think it's too
much to expect a grown man
158
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,764
to say "thank you."
159
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,599
Ooh!
160
00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:34,936
We're really not
on the same page here.
161
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,855
Dan, how do you feel
about Wyatt's comment?
162
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,857
It's fine.
My co-worker feels strongly,
163
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,734
and I will do everything
in my power
164
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,402
to demonstrate my gratitude.
165
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,653
I will...
166
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,947
kill him with kindness.
167
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,868
See? Totally resolved.
168
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:52,120
Maybe we should get back
to those fun hypotheticals.
169
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,164
I have a hypothetical
that's real.
170
00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:57,542
There's a certain co-worker
who I let live with me
171
00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,711
who drank all my favorite
coffee creamer!
172
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,546
You told me
to make myself at home.
173
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:03,965
That's just something
people say. You're not
supposed to do it!
174
00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:06,760
I'm sorry. You two
are living together?
175
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,261
Oh, yeah.
It was, uh-- Wait, wait,
176
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,513
it was somebody's idea,
somebody in this room,
177
00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:11,681
a judge, but...
178
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,600
- [ Fingers snap ]
- ...which one?
179
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,687
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
180
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:20,899
And now we work as a team?
181
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,109
Wow.
There is a lot going on here.
182
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,487
This is gonna take longer
than I thought.
183
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,614
Okay, well,
if you had any plans today,
184
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,199
I would cancel them-- now.
185
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:31,034
- [ Screams ]
- Gah!
186
00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:32,285
I-I am so sorry.
187
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,538
I-I did not know
there was going to be a shark.
188
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,504
{\an8}♪
189
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,464
Jake? Didn't expect
to see you here.
190
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,509
I-I thought sensitivity training
was a one-time thing.
191
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:50,095
Well, when my supervisor
asked how it went, I snorted.
192
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,555
Oh, when you snort,
you have to write a report!
193
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:55,308
Yep. On the day I was supposed
to go hiking with my dog.
194
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,395
And I just had the doors
taken off my Jeep.
195
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:00,021
Listen. Everything's fine.
196
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:02,440
I mean, sure,
we weren't great on Saturday,
197
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,902
but some of us were hungry
for chocolate-chip pancakes.
198
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,029
I get it.
If you want some pointers,
199
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:10,865
I am the guy that invented
"Smile and Decline."
200
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:13,868
It's an HR-approved way to avoid
uncomfortable situations.
201
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,453
Invite me to do something.
202
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:19,541
How would you like to purchase
a timeshare in Cleveland?
203
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:23,003
It's the nation's largest hub
for yellow wallpaper.
204
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,213
This is not a hypothetical.
205
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:30,885
You'll come around.
They all come around.
206
00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,971
Your Honor, we're ready to go.
207
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,931
Get ready to watch us "pork."
208
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,726
Please don't write that down.
209
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:40,395
Uh, Wyatt, before we begin,
I just wanted to say
210
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:43,231
that I took to heart
what you said the other day,
211
00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:48,737
and I've learned to show my
appreciation in 135 languages.
212
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,947
French-- merci beaucoup.
213
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,408
Samoan-- fa'afetai.
214
00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:56,578
Elvish-- guren glassui.
215
00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,079
Elvis-ish--
216
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,540
[As Elvis Presley] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
217
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:04,377
- I see what you're doing.
- I also got you this card.
218
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,213
{\an8}-[Dan as Elvis] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
219
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:13,053
{\an8}Thank you.
Thank you very much.
220
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,430
What a heartwarming display.
221
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:18,266
Another issue resolved
in Abby Stone's court.
222
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,434
Wyatt, case?
223
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,853
The People vs.
Arthur and Layla Doyle.
224
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:24,105
They are charged
with unwanted touching.
225
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:25,815
Your Honor, this is a mistake.
226
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,942
My clients were merely promoting
their small business
227
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,652
by providing free samples.
228
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,321
And what is their business?
229
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,823
They are professional cuddlers.
230
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:38,244
There's a workplace you could
really write a report on.
231
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,289
Well, we have
the police report,
232
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,625
where 19 rush-hour commuters
describe them
233
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:45,460
as "gropers,"
"fondlers," "ticklers,"
234
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,880
and, according to one woman,
"handy dandies."
235
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,383
Your Honor, these plucky
entrepreneurs should be able
236
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:54,719
to promote their product
without being labeled freaks.
237
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,263
Sounds like someone
wants a sample.
238
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,974
Whoa! Back off, freaks.
239
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,602
Your Honor, we ask that
you let our HR department
240
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,229
decide our fate.
241
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:07,065
They know us better
than we know ourselves.
242
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:11,653
Alright. We get it.
Case dismissed.
243
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,363
I'll take a sample.
244
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:17,575
Ohh! Heh. That'll get you there.
[ Chuckles ]
245
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:20,286
Your Honor, we have one more
small piece of business
246
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,789
before we go on
to the next case.
247
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,250
"Sarcastic" in C.
248
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,377
[ Pitch-pipe blows ]
249
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:28,753
♪ Bohm-bohm-bohm ♪
250
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,089
♪ Thank you, Wyatt,
for breathing ♪
251
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,883
♪ Thanks for being alive ♪
252
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,428
♪ Thank you for blinking
and eating food ♪
253
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:39,014
♪ Without a "thank you,"
it would be so rude ♪
254
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:42,100
♪ So it's thanks
for taking up space and ♪
255
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,936
♪ Thanks for being awake ♪
256
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:47,480
♪ One last thing
you should know ♪
257
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:51,526
♪ Is that all these "thanks"
are fake ♪
258
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,696
♪ They're not real ♪
259
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:58,867
♪ Mmm ♪
260
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,162
What the hell was that?
261
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,372
Can't you just give Wyatt
a real "thank you"?
262
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,665
He does so much for us!
263
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,501
His shelf-reaching alone
is next-level.
264
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,879
People thank each other
entirely too much.
265
00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,881
We're expected
to be grateful for nothing.
266
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,758
You handed me a coffee.
Here's a dollar.
267
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,259
Thanks for doing your job.
268
00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:18,553
Oh, you held the elevator.
Gee. Thanks.
269
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:22,223
Now I get to breathe air
that was recently in your body.
270
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:26,353
"Thank yous" should be earned.
That's the world I'm creating.
271
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:30,315
No "thank you" is necessary.
You're welcome.
272
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:33,610
I've always wanted to be
the inspiration for a rant.
273
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,070
Thank you.
274
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:37,322
That's how it sounds!
275
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,199
Why can't you two
be more like Olivia and Gurgs?
276
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,742
They sorted out
their differences.
277
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,535
Well, I don't know. There
weren't really differences.
278
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,079
I just bought more creamer.
279
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,414
She's being modest.
She had to go to Staten Island.
280
00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:47,707
Most stores don't carry it
281
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,793
because the ingredients
aren't considered legal.
282
00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:51,252
It's the only creamer produced
283
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:54,923
entirely
in international waters.
284
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,591
Actually, Flobert got it.
285
00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:59,427
He was going to Staten Island
to visit his adopted highway.
286
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:02,722
Don't tell the highway.
It doesn't know it's adopted.
287
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,517
You told Flobert?
Now the word's gonna get out.
288
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,936
It'll be impossible to get.
- That man is an influencer.
289
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,604
You know, he is
single-handedly responsible
290
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,524
for the revitalization of
Cleveland's wallpaper district.
291
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:14,818
Great.
Now all I'll be able to get
292
00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:16,861
are those gross
seasonal flavors.
293
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,446
I don't care
if it is Cinco de Mayo--
294
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:21,991
no one wants their coffee
tasting like guacamole!
295
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,368
What's happened to us?!
296
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,036
Jake has us
turning on each other
297
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:27,163
when I should be turning him on!
298
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,547
Picture yourself
in a luxury condo
299
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:40,719
with a view of the Rock & Roll
Hall of Fame's...
300
00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:42,387
parking lot.
301
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,889
Jake, I need to speak with you.
302
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,850
Good.
Talk it over with the wife.
303
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,894
I'll be standing
right over there.
304
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:53,189
You know, ever since you got
here, everyone's been on edge.
305
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:54,941
Interesting.
And that's my fault?
306
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,443
Because it wasn't my idea
307
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,361
to have your prosecutor
move in with your bailiff.
308
00:12:58,361 --> 00:12:59,946
Well, before this
whole creamer thing,
309
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:03,324
they were having a lot of fun
objectifying men together.
310
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,577
Also, is it true that you
locked your staff in your office
311
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:07,871
and made them tell you
their personal secrets?
312
00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:09,581
- Not this week.
- Did I also hear
313
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:12,167
that you tagged along
on a co-worker's date?
314
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,919
Only because Dan wanted
to have sex with a woman
315
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,129
who was going to kill him!
316
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,298
That's got to be a loophole!
317
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,551
I understand this would be
frowned upon in some workplaces,
318
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,011
but here we're a family.
319
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,471
Except you're not. It's work.
320
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,473
Are you telling me
how to run my courtroom?
321
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:29,059
Well, it's kind of my job.
Look, I'm starting to think
322
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,685
you're a little too close
to all this.
323
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:33,396
I think the best thing to do
is to have another meeting.
324
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,607
I don't think us having
another meeting is a good idea.
325
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:39,944
I completely agree.
You shouldn't be involved.
326
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,073
So you're having an HR meeting
about me?
327
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:46,618
I'm reporting that.
It makes me uncomfortable.
328
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,036
I couldn't help but notice
329
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:50,455
there's a little trouble
in paradise.
330
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:54,125
You know, Cleveland is a great
town to be newly divorced in.
331
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:59,631
{\an8}♪
332
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,764
Really, Dan?
A "thank you" flash mob?!
333
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,140
When is this going to end?!
334
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,892
When you've experienced
the full force
335
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:13,770
and fury of my gratitude.
336
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:17,065
I was in an elevator! 20 people
started dancing around.
337
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,983
I thought I was gonna die!
338
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,610
What are you waiting for,
gossip girl?
339
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,570
Why aren't you telling
all this to Flobert?
340
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,782
Well, at least Flobert
doesn't use my deodorant.
341
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,409
My wife and I share deodorant.
342
00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:30,286
We share everything--
except the bed.
343
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:34,457
- Where the hell is this HR guy?
- Sorry I'm late.
344
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:38,086
Ah. Jake's not here? Who calls
a meeting and doesn't show?
345
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,130
It's so unprofessional.
- Maybe he bailed because
346
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:42,132
he only likes me and he heard
the rest of you
347
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:44,801
insensitive losers
were gonna be here.
348
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,970
Totally.
In the meantime, though,
349
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,388
maybe we talk through some stuff
350
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,598
just to kill some time
until Jake can break away
351
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,435
from whatever it is
that's keeping him?
352
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,146
I really have to be somewhere.
353
00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:58,481
You were gifted
an hour-long throuple cuddle.
354
00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,525
That's what you're getting.
- Ugh!
355
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:05,155
18, 19, 20.
356
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,032
Okay! Now, how do you feel?
357
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:09,451
Kind of like I wasted
20 seconds.
358
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:10,827
20 seconds of eye contact
359
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,328
is supposed to help you feel
more connected.
360
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,997
Then shouldn't I be doing it
with Dan?
361
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,958
It's important to create unity
throughout the entire team.
362
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,502
And Dan refused to participate.
363
00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:23,006
I wish I had refused to do
that trust fall with Flobert.
364
00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:24,341
If I was supposed to catch you,
365
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:27,177
it should be called
a "trust catch."
366
00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:31,723
Where's that guy who said
everything I do is right?
367
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,350
I liked him.
368
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,768
We don't need Jake.
369
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,811
We can deal with our problems
like a family.
370
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,480
So you want us to resent other
371
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,024
but also share a cellphone plan?
372
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:44,361
Gurgs, why does that creamer
mean so much to you?
373
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:46,696
I don't know. Maybe because
when I was growing up,
374
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:49,032
I never had anything
that was all mine.
375
00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:51,159
Or maybe years of
drinking toxic creamer
376
00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:53,578
just makes your brain weird.
377
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,789
Either way,
we are ready to help.
378
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,124
Flobert?
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
379
00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,377
What's he doing with that,
Judge?
380
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,212
You're scared
of losing that creamer,
381
00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,381
so Flobert is gonna
help you face that fear
382
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:07,425
by drinking an entire carton
right in front of you.
383
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:10,720
It'll be tough to watch
for all of us, but...
384
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,847
it might help one of us.
385
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:14,974
It might kill one of us.
386
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,768
Murray! That's poison!
387
00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:20,897
And your barbershop quartet
just made regionals!
388
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,649
Abby promised to sit through
389
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,567
a three-hour
Cleveland presentation.
390
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,277
If I don't move those condos,
391
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:29,406
my wife's never gonna
let me back in that bed.
392
00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:32,534
Ah. Here we go! Whew.
393
00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:38,415
Ugh! Oh, I-I can't watch.
He's not appreciating it!
394
00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:40,125
And there's no way
he can taste the notmeg.
395
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:43,378
Yes, I said "notmeg." Legally,
that's what they gotta call it!
396
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:46,423
Ohh!
- Ugh. If this is what it takes
397
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:47,924
to live with Gurgs,
I'll just move back to my place.
398
00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:49,884
Fine. Then no more
joint birthday party.
399
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,012
It didn't make sense anyway.
Mine's June, yours is December.
400
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,723
Fine! Then I'll call
your friend and tell her
the party's off!
401
00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:57,600
Hey, friend? Yeah?
The party's off!
402
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,936
No, I will not
let us drift apart!
403
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,355
We are a family
and we love each other!
404
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,941
Can I stop drinking now?
405
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:07,485
You're all getting real blurry.
406
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:11,114
Not until we're friends again.
That stupid Jake can't win!
407
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:12,782
You hijacked my seminar?
408
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:21,499
Before you start
throwing blame around,
409
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,627
I didn't know that Flobert
was lactose-intolerant!
410
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:27,422
You live, you learn.
- What you did
411
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,507
with those cuddlers
was completely unprofessional.
412
00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:31,343
Sure, I felt like
I was back in the womb
413
00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:33,053
and it gave me validation
I never received from
414
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,431
an emotionally distant father,
but I have a job to do.
415
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:37,849
So do I,
but you're not letting me,
416
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:39,601
and then I'm left
to pick up the pieces
417
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,561
while you're off
to blow up another office.
418
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,855
Most offices
don't get blown up.
419
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,191
It's usually just people
tuning me out for 45 minutes,
420
00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:49,277
then I find a Quizno's
and eat a toasted sandwich
alone in my car.
421
00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:51,696
Why couldn't you
just let me do my thing?
422
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,531
Because my thing was working
423
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:56,326
until you showed up with your
"Smile and Decline."
424
00:17:56,326 --> 00:18:00,538
Hey! That technique saves
hundreds of feelings every day.
425
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:03,750
You know what your problem is?
You see one way of doing things,
426
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,836
and if anyone has the nerve
to suggest anything else,
427
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,254
it drives you crazy.
428
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,506
Ugh. Well, you know
what your problem is?
429
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:10,924
You don't see people as people.
430
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,676
You just see them
as potential lawsuits.
431
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:14,552
That's why you play everything
too safe.
432
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,179
Probably live your life
the same way.
433
00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:18,682
I don't know what trails you're
taking that dog hiking on,
434
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:22,143
but I bet he can handle
way harder ones!
435
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,396
He is afraid of hawks,
and he has every right to be.
436
00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:26,648
They are killing machines!
437
00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:29,567
Man, I can't believe
I ever thought you were cute.
438
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,903
I can't believe I thought
of first-date spots for us.
439
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,697
Well, I didn't know
you did that.
440
00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:35,949
Well, I wish I hadn't,
because you're the worst!
441
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,283
You're the worst!
442
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:40,036
- Consent to ravage you?
- Consent given.
443
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,086
We were just checking to see
if we could leave, and, uh...
444
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,839
Yeah.
445
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,133
What's the deal?
Can I go home or not?!
446
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,968
Run, Dan. Run.
447
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:58,304
Wait. What do you mean?
Are-- Are they...
448
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,516
- Yes, and it's evolving.
- Ohh...
449
00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:04,019
Wyatt, I don't know what to say.
450
00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:05,812
I think you do.
451
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:10,608
Thank you.
452
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,533
You know, I think that was
the first unprofessional thing
453
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:19,993
I've ever done.
- Well, don't worry.
454
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,579
I won't report you to HR.
- I think I'm coming around
455
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:24,372
to the idea
that work relationships
456
00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,458
don't need to be
entirely professional.
457
00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:28,126
Well, full disclosure--
458
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,587
there may be some problems
with my approach, too.
459
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,547
I don't know.
Making a man chug creamer
460
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:34,799
seems like a pretty good
team-building exercise.
461
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:38,678
Okay. No one said chug.
He could have sipped it.
462
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,138
Well, you'll be happy to know
463
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,724
that we have forms
that address this situation.
464
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,976
- We have a situation?
- We had an incident.
465
00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:48,688
But if you sign here,
then it's a situation.
466
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,109
You're so good
at filling out those forms.
467
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,987
Let's get out of here. I can
fill these out on the way.
468
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,405
Let's go.
469
00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:02,410
[ Didgeridoo playing]
470
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:03,745
- Hey-- Ugh.
- Aww!
471
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,247
- Aww! Heh heh!
- Aww!
472
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:07,874
What are they watching?
473
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,543
Videos of koalas jumping
into peoples' arms.
474
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,004
Apparently, that's exactly
how you and blondie
475
00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:14,422
slammed together.
476
00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:18,093
- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah...
477
00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:20,470
Anyway, uh, now that
they're all warmed up,
478
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,514
I'm gonna go get
my presentation materials
479
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:25,100
so I can give them
the full Cleveland.
480
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:26,518
Here's a taste--
481
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:28,853
"The lake is anything but Erie."
482
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,064
Huh? Ha ha, yeah!
483
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,943
Everyone's
really getting along.
484
00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:38,697
It's at my expense and I'm
humiliated, but it's worth it.
485
00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:40,448
Yeah, nothing brings
a family together
486
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:42,784
like watching their weird aunt
make out with the stranger
487
00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:45,995
they didn't know she was going
to invite to Thanksgiving.
488
00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,289
You should see what we have
planned for Christmas.
489
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:50,500
- Ugh!
- Ugh!
490
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,419
Want a splash
of the good stuff?
491
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,546
{\an8}Aww. That's mighty
generous of you.
492
00:20:54,546 --> 00:20:56,548
{\an8}I've got plenty now,
thanks to Olivia.
493
00:20:56,548 --> 00:20:58,258
{\an8}Oh, I can't take
all the credit.
494
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:00,427
{\an8}[Chuckles] Or any of it.
495
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:01,886
{\an8}My friend works at the FDA,
496
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,680
{\an8}and they've been stockpiling it
for research.
497
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,557
{\an8}So far,
it hasn't killed any mice...
498
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,394
{\an8}though it did make a few
age in reverse.
499
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:10,854
{\an8}Flobert drank a whole bottle,
500
00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:14,149
{\an8}and it's not like he turned
into a kid or something.
501
00:21:14,149 --> 00:21:15,608
{\an8}Okay, everybody!
502
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:18,153
{\an8}Who's ready to hear
about Cleveland?
503
00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:22,449
{\an8}I can't afford
to get any shorter.
504
00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:24,868
{\an8}Oh. I see you all
met my nephew.
505
00:21:24,868 --> 00:21:26,995
{\an8}He knows how to work the VCR.
506
00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:30,165
{\an8}♪
507
00:21:30,165 --> 00:21:32,000
{\an8}It's funny!
38073
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