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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,989 --> 00:00:08,289
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,358 --> 00:00:11,743
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:15,014
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,586
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,638 --> 00:00:23,266
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,073
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,141 --> 00:00:29,844
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:38,587
You shower
with your dog every day.
11
00:00:38,656 --> 00:00:40,873
Do you and your dog
use the same soap?
12
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:44,076
If so, one of you
is damaging your hair.
13
00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:46,010
Really?
14
00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:50,298
Dial Cross Species isspecially formulatedfor both humans and dogs.
15
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,044
You'll like that
it gets you clean.
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00:00:52,068 --> 00:00:53,780
He'll like that it
smells like beef.
17
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,103
That sounds great!
18
00:00:56,489 --> 00:00:58,234
Jim, are you showering
with the dog again?
19
00:00:58,258 --> 00:00:59,724
What the hell?
20
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,505
All right, Peter, I'm leaving.
21
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,239
Bonnie invited me to
the shooting range.
22
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:04,296
What?
23
00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:06,476
Yeah, Bonnie says
she goes every week.
24
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:15,907
I think next time
you should bring
someone else.
25
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:18,237
Now, you'll be
watching Stewie, and I
don't want you just
26
00:01:18,261 --> 00:01:20,306
to prop him up next
to the TV all day.
27
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,507
Take him to the park.
28
00:01:21,531 --> 00:01:22,809
I want him to
get some fresh air.
29
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,883
Fresh air is bad
for a kid, Lois.
30
00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:26,251
Look at Michael J. Fox.
31
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,597
What?
I don't know.
32
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,566
Peter, you are taking
Stewie to the park.
33
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,701
It'll do you good to spend
some time with your son.
34
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,592
I spend lots of
time with him, Lois.
35
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,760
Just last week,
I took him to the doctor.
36
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,479
Mr. Griffin, you're here
to get your prostate examined?
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00:01:38,549 --> 00:01:40,031
Yeah, this is me.
38
00:01:45,372 --> 00:01:47,000
Is that your little one there?
39
00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:49,858
Oh, no, it's just
the way I'm sitting.
40
00:01:49,927 --> 00:01:51,810
Ah, nothing like
a day at the park,
41
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:54,980
surrounded by overcompensating
divorced dads.
42
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,598
Wow! Look how
high you're going!
43
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,433
What an amazing day this is!
44
00:01:58,502 --> 00:02:02,303
Is Mommy spending
$2,500 a month on you?
45
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:04,640
Because that's what
I'm sending Mommy!
46
00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,541
Oh, my God, it's only
been five minutes,
47
00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:08,543
and I'm already
bored out of my mind.
48
00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:13,921
Damn, I wish I
could go to the Clam.
49
00:02:17,688 --> 00:02:19,808
Well, I guess I see
those guys all the time.
50
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,527
A clown? Well, I guess
what's the big deal, huh?
51
00:02:26,596 --> 00:02:27,676
It's just one.
52
00:02:35,122 --> 00:02:38,540
Oh, I was quite
sure it was just one
from the size of the car!
53
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,438
Hello?
Peter,where the hell are you?
54
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:42,638
You've got to get
down to the Clam, man.
55
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:43,974
There's, like,
60 clowns in here.
56
00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,830
Ugh, I can't.
I've got to watch Stewie.
57
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:49,134
Peter,they threw what I thoughtwas a bucket of water on me,
58
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:52,104
but it turns outit was justa bunch of confetti!
59
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,092
Oh, man, I got to
get over there!
60
00:02:59,028 --> 00:03:01,630
Okay, okay.
It's okay, as long as
I can still see him.
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00:03:03,133 --> 00:03:04,494
Okay, Stewie, there you are.
62
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,662
There you are, safe and sound.
63
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,246
Daddy can still see you.
64
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,167
Okay, Daddy can still see you.
65
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,925
Daddy can still see you.
66
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,134
Daddy can still see you.
67
00:03:33,263 --> 00:03:36,498
That was a wink,
but you don't know it
'cause it's just a eye.
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00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:43,267
We now return to Superman.
69
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:46,541
Lois, what's wrong?
70
00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:48,822
Clark, we all have
breast cancer!
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00:03:48,846 --> 00:03:51,579
The doctor says it's as if
our breasts have been X-rayed
72
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,916
five hours a day, every day,
for the last three years!
73
00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,618
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
74
00:03:56,687 --> 00:03:59,253
First, every woman
I've ever known,
and now you guys.
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00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:01,740
Ah.
76
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:04,008
Boy, it was smart
to wait out that thunderstorm.
77
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:06,377
Aah, it's Lois!
78
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:07,779
Oh, my God! Stewie!
79
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,197
Oh, uh, hey, Lois.
80
00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:10,698
Hey, it's hard to hear you
81
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,468
over the sound
of joyful children
in the park.
82
00:04:13,537 --> 00:04:15,737
Are you and Stewie
having a good time?
83
00:04:15,805 --> 00:04:16,838
Uh, uh, yeah.
84
00:04:16,907 --> 00:04:18,306
Okay, well, let me talk to him.
85
00:04:18,375 --> 00:04:20,458
I want to tell him
Mommy's on her way home.
86
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,247
She wants to talk to Stewie.
What do I do?
87
00:04:22,312 --> 00:04:24,946
Here, give me the phone.
I do a great Stewie.
88
00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,992
Hey, Lois, it's me, the baby.
89
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,684
Hi, Stewie.
I'm on my way home.
90
00:04:29,753 --> 00:04:31,419
Mommy misses you.
91
00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:32,598
All right, cool.
92
00:04:32,622 --> 00:04:34,756
Bring some beef jerky, maybe.
93
00:04:34,825 --> 00:04:37,145
I just bought you 10 minutes.
94
00:04:37,828 --> 00:04:38,960
Hey, can you do me?
95
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:41,395
Hey, I'm Quagmire.
I'm a sex guy.
96
00:04:41,464 --> 00:04:44,833
I'll be honest.
I went in wanting to hate it,
but you were great!
97
00:04:45,969 --> 00:04:47,018
Stewie?
98
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:54,175
Oh, there's my boy.
99
00:04:57,014 --> 00:04:58,675
Hey, what happened
to my new friend,
100
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:01,599
that kid who sort of
looks like me from behind?
101
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:02,967
Wait. Where's the fat man?
102
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:07,522
Well, I guess this is it.
103
00:05:07,591 --> 00:05:08,723
I'm gonna die here.
104
00:05:08,792 --> 00:05:10,603
I'll never get to
grow old and become
105
00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:12,422
an across-the-country
grandparent.
106
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,761
What is this?
107
00:05:13,830 --> 00:05:15,130
It's a Skype.
108
00:05:15,198 --> 00:05:17,399
A Snyke?
No, a Skype.
109
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:18,499
Snype?
110
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:21,536
No, it's a Skype.
From your grandson.
111
00:05:21,939 --> 00:05:23,104
Stephen?
112
00:05:23,173 --> 00:05:26,274
Yes! He's right there
trying to say hi to you.
113
00:05:26,343 --> 00:05:27,775
What movie is this?
114
00:05:27,844 --> 00:05:29,377
It's not a movie.
115
00:05:29,446 --> 00:05:31,012
It's your grandson!
116
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,148
My grandson is in the pictures?
117
00:05:33,216 --> 00:05:35,116
You did this yesterday!
118
00:05:35,185 --> 00:05:36,284
Don't holler at me!
119
00:05:36,353 --> 00:05:37,797
I don't understand anything!
120
00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:39,054
I'm very frightened!
121
00:05:43,693 --> 00:05:46,310
Wait a minute.
Stewie, what happened
to your head?
122
00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,313
You're not Stewie!
123
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:51,223
I got to get you back
to the park and find...
124
00:06:00,143 --> 00:06:01,955
All right, kid,
your name is Stewie,
all right?
125
00:06:01,979 --> 00:06:03,144
I'm your new dad.
126
00:06:03,213 --> 00:06:05,053
My name is Peter,
and I work at the brewer...
127
00:06:05,082 --> 00:06:07,399
NASA. I work at NASA.
128
00:06:10,854 --> 00:06:12,465
Hey, Lois.
You look fat.
129
00:06:12,489 --> 00:06:13,999
You should go for a run.
Peter!
130
00:06:14,023 --> 00:06:16,691
I'm gonna go give my baby
a kiss goodnight.
131
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,472
Uh, Lois, I had an affair,
and I think we
should talk about it!
132
00:06:19,496 --> 00:06:23,165
Peter, jamming yourself
into a grapefruit is
not an affair.
133
00:06:28,238 --> 00:06:30,638
See? There's
a human baby in there.
134
00:06:30,707 --> 00:06:31,940
Asleep in Stewie's overalls.
135
00:06:32,008 --> 00:06:33,908
Peter, please get out of my way!
136
00:06:37,513 --> 00:06:39,513
Great. We woke up
the doorbell.
137
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,801
I think there was
a mix-up at the park.
138
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,847
My little Stewie!
139
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:46,237
Oh, Jacob!
140
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,089
Where's your little hat?
141
00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:49,335
He didn't have a hat.
142
00:06:49,359 --> 00:06:51,008
Oh, I am so sorry.
143
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,394
I just got home myself.
144
00:06:52,462 --> 00:06:54,173
I left my husband in charge,
145
00:06:54,197 --> 00:06:56,531
which was obviously
a terrible mistake.
146
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:57,932
Thank you so much.
147
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,697
I took a bath with the dad.
148
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:04,255
Mmm. Oh, my baby's
back home.
149
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:05,457
Mommy missed you.
150
00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:06,941
Congratulations, Lois.
151
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,210
You passed the test.
152
00:07:08,244 --> 00:07:10,027
You really do love Stewie.
153
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,757
Now, what do you
say we all sit down
154
00:07:11,781 --> 00:07:13,493
and watch this
"Weird Al" Yankovic
documentary?
155
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,557
It's called
An Inconvenient Tooth.
156
00:07:17,221 --> 00:07:18,670
What's wrong with you, Peter?
157
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,271
Lois, I'm sorry.
158
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,874
How the hell can
you possibly mistake
another baby for Stewie?
159
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,143
Now, calm down, Lois.
160
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:25,655
You're gonna say
something you don't mean.
161
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,062
Oh, no, I'm not!
You're an idiot!
162
00:07:29,465 --> 00:07:31,149
You don't mean that.
163
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:34,269
I already got
a Facebook friend request
from the dad. Is that weird?
164
00:07:34,338 --> 00:07:36,821
Peter, I have put up
with your
nonsense for 20 years,
165
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,290
but today you crossed a line.
166
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,575
You left a helpless
baby in a public park.
167
00:07:40,644 --> 00:07:43,044
And that's something
only an idiot would do!
168
00:07:45,115 --> 00:07:46,614
I'm not an idiot.
169
00:07:48,752 --> 00:07:50,651
Hey, I think there was
a mix-up at the park.
170
00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:00,745
We now return to The Karate Kid,
171
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,780
with realistic human feelings.
172
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,510
You're all right, LaRusso!
173
00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:06,534
Fuck you!
You just tried to
cripple me!
174
00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,567
I hate to sound
like every woman ever,
but I'm depressed.
175
00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:12,735
Don't engage.
Don't engage.
176
00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:13,870
Why?
Damn it!
177
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,292
Lois called me an idiot.
178
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:16,778
So?
179
00:08:16,846 --> 00:08:18,991
So, I don't tell her
all the bad
things about herself.
180
00:08:19,015 --> 00:08:22,516
Like how the mole on her back
is changing shape and
size really quickly.
181
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,251
Being dumb isn't
the worst thing, Peter.
182
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,420
At least you're
not two foreign guys
183
00:08:26,489 --> 00:08:28,722
talking too loud
in the next booth.
184
00:08:28,791 --> 00:08:30,508
Much sorry, friend!
185
00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:33,178
Man, there are no womens here.
186
00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:36,381
We've got to make like
'70s rock man
Garrett and Leif.
187
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:37,648
You said it, Belgard.
188
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,784
Looks like you and me
will have to make hands
189
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:40,853
on each other tonight.
190
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,354
Aah, gross!
191
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,722
I was just playing joke at you!
192
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:46,970
Ah, good one!
You should be
comedy writer.
193
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,059
Too late, friend.
194
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,362
I already have
comedy development at CBS.
195
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:51,897
Oh, nice!
196
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:55,433
CBS knows real
situations I want to
see for 100 episodes!
197
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,336
Thanks. My hysterical
multi-camera show is called
198
00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:00,805
Wizard Robotand His LessSuccessful Friend.
199
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,503
Oh, man,
you know what
America wants.
200
00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:05,504
All right,
fine, so I'm a
dumb, hot guy.
201
00:09:05,528 --> 00:09:07,239
All right?
There's worse
things to be.
202
00:09:07,263 --> 00:09:09,041
Okay, we're only gonna
tackle one thing today.
203
00:09:09,065 --> 00:09:11,543
Peter, maybe you
need to broaden your
horizons, you know?
204
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:12,817
Read a book, travel.
205
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,368
Oh, yeah, I love traveling.
206
00:09:14,437 --> 00:09:17,389
You see new things,
inconvenience
thousands of people.
207
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,318
You know what?
You guys are right.
208
00:09:19,342 --> 00:09:22,338
It's time to travel,
to learn, to experience
new things.
209
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,642
I've been letting
opportunities pass me by
ever since I was a kid.
210
00:09:27,583 --> 00:09:30,484
Hey, kid, get in my van,
and I'll give you some candy.
211
00:09:30,553 --> 00:09:32,520
No, my mom says I shouldn't.
212
00:09:42,299 --> 00:09:44,666
Hey, kid, get in my van,
and I'll give you some candy.
213
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:45,866
Okay!
214
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:58,263
Stella, I need you to go
to Chicago on Thursday.
215
00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:01,477
I can't.
This week is
the Deaf Games.
216
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,623
Oh, my God, this has been
a 12-minute round.
217
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,360
Why does every fight
have to go to the death?
218
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:13,966
Angela,
if you got
business traveling
219
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,064
that needs to be done,
I'm your guy.
220
00:10:16,132 --> 00:10:17,810
Griffin,
I'm not gonna
look over there
221
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:20,512
until you first
assure me you've
got pants on.
222
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,737
It's not a rule unless
there's a sign on the wall.
223
00:10:22,805 --> 00:10:24,616
I won that court case.
Fine.
224
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:27,737
So you'd be willing
to take that trip to
Chicago for the company?
225
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,729
Yeah, you know,
I was just saying I need
to broaden my horizons.
226
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,274
You see, my wife
thinks I'm an idiot.
227
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,666
She's always making me feel
small and insignificant.
228
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,200
Like John Goodman's heartbeat.
229
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:43,174
Honey? My inside left
boob stomach did
that thing again.
230
00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:44,909
You mean your heart?
231
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,822
Um, I don't know
about any of that,
232
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,766
but I think I
should eat something.
233
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:54,664
Well, gentlemen,
thank you for coming.
234
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,815
Mr. Griffin, I believe you
have something for me.
235
00:10:56,839 --> 00:10:57,883
Yes, I do, Mr. Franks.
236
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:58,984
Terrific.
237
00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:00,887
We were completely
out of these tubes.
238
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:02,922
Well, thank you all
for coming. Good day.
239
00:11:02,946 --> 00:11:05,079
Nicely done, Mr. Franks.
Thanks, Chief.
240
00:11:05,148 --> 00:11:06,258
Wait, so that's it?
241
00:11:06,282 --> 00:11:07,315
Hey, you nailed it!
242
00:11:07,383 --> 00:11:08,727
But I'm here
till tomorrow night.
243
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:09,912
What am I supposed to do?
244
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:11,731
Get out there and
explore Chicago, Peter.
245
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:13,799
It's one of the great
cities of the world.
246
00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:16,708
There's museums,
a symphony, a Lyric Opera.
247
00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:17,854
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
248
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,798
Did you say
"chicken fashion show"?
249
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,445
No.
Oh.
250
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,659
But that other stuff,
they all sound like
251
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:27,003
the kind of things
I could do to
expand my horizons.
252
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:32,507
Wow. Chicago,
The San Francisco Treat.
253
00:11:32,575 --> 00:11:34,386
I haven't felt this
sense of limitless
254
00:11:34,410 --> 00:11:36,578
adventure since I
went cave jumping.
255
00:11:36,646 --> 00:11:38,162
Here we go!
256
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:41,449
I told no one what
I was doing today!
257
00:11:46,689 --> 00:11:49,974
Man, I'm, like,
the fifth-most attractive
woman in Chicago.
258
00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:58,761
Hi. Welcome to
the museum.
259
00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:00,385
Thanks. Just to be clear,
260
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,714
I should touch
everything, right?
261
00:12:01,738 --> 00:12:03,449
No, please don't touch anything.
262
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,606
Sorry, it's my first time
at an adult museum.
263
00:12:05,675 --> 00:12:07,642
I'm used to
petting the starfishes.
264
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:09,822
Well, maybe you'd find
our audio tour helpful.
265
00:12:09,846 --> 00:12:11,057
You have your
choice of narrators,
266
00:12:11,081 --> 00:12:12,713
our senior curator
267
00:12:12,782 --> 00:12:14,942
or Chicago's own Dennis Farina.
268
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,802
Hmm.
269
00:12:17,854 --> 00:12:19,698
Hey, there, chief.
Dennis Farina here.
270
00:12:19,722 --> 00:12:21,588
And welcome to our museum.
271
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:24,943
Just so you know,I'll be eatingthrough most of this.
272
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,427
Yeah. This one.
273
00:12:29,132 --> 00:12:31,432
Ah, man, that's good sausage.
274
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:32,934
Oops. Excuse me.
275
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:35,102
Anyways, this is
At the Moulin Rouge
276
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,570
by Toulouse-Lautrec.
277
00:12:36,639 --> 00:12:38,572
Uh, it's from the 1890s.
278
00:12:38,641 --> 00:12:41,542
Now, he was a midge,
but he painted like a normal.
279
00:12:44,614 --> 00:12:48,166
Now, here is a naked chick
made completely out of marble.
280
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:50,467
I got to wonder,
I'm sure you do, too,
281
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:52,937
how this thing didn't crack
when they were carving out
282
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:55,039
her downstairs business.
283
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,792
He did a great job
with the vagina.
284
00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,928
Here's a picture by
this guy Salvador Dali.
285
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:04,765
This guy, I'm telling you,
was a freakin' whack-a-doodle.
286
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:07,768
Wow, who knew you could
learn so much at a museum?
287
00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:09,654
And this is only Chicago.
288
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,135
From now on,
I'm gonna volunteer
for every business trip
289
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,808
and see all the great
stuff that's out there.
290
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:16,944
♪ I've been everywhere, man
291
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:18,796
♪ I've been everywhere, man
292
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:21,148
♪ Crossed the
deserts bare, man
293
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,095
♪ I've breathed
the mountain air, man
294
00:13:23,119 --> 00:13:25,570
♪ Of travel,
I've had my share, man
295
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,439
♪ I've been everywhere
296
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:30,691
♪ I've been to Reno, Chicago
Fargo, Minnesota
297
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,192
♪ Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow
298
00:13:32,261 --> 00:13:33,877
♪ Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa
299
00:13:33,930 --> 00:13:35,263
♪ Ottawa, Oklahoma
300
00:13:35,331 --> 00:13:37,331
♪ Tampa, Panama
Mattawa, La Paloma
301
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,361
♪ Bangor, Baltimore
Salvador, Amarillo
302
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:41,547
♪ TocopillaBarranquilla and PadillaI'm a killer
303
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,554
♪ I've been everywhere, man
304
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,389
♪ I've been everywhere, man
305
00:13:45,441 --> 00:13:47,675
♪ Crossed
the deserts bare, man
306
00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:49,944
♪ I've breathed
the mountain air, man
307
00:13:50,012 --> 00:13:52,096
♪ Of travel
I've had my share, man
308
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:56,083
♪ I've been everywhere
309
00:13:56,152 --> 00:13:58,703
♪ I've been to Boston
Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana
310
00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:00,699
♪ Washington, Houston
Kingston, Texarkana
311
00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:03,074
♪ Monterey, Ferriday
Santa Fe, Tallapoosa
312
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,203
♪ Glen Rock, Black Rock
Little Rock, Oskaloosa
313
00:14:05,227 --> 00:14:07,422
♪ Tennessee toTennessee ChicopeeSpirit Lake
314
00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:09,475
♪ Grand Lake, Devils Lake
Crater Lake, for Pete's sake
315
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:12,467
♪ I've been everywhere ♪
316
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,188
We now
return to Janeane Garofalo
317
00:14:17,239 --> 00:14:20,024
and Mark Ruffaloin Garofaruffalo.
318
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,175
Turn it off, Chris.
319
00:14:21,243 --> 00:14:23,478
I don't even want
to know what that is.
320
00:14:23,546 --> 00:14:25,513
Your father has returned.
321
00:14:25,582 --> 00:14:27,192
Dad!
Oh, Peter!
322
00:14:27,216 --> 00:14:28,927
How were all
your business trips?
323
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,668
Oh, exemplary, Chris.
324
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,504
I don't understand what
either of those words mean.
325
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:34,906
One of them was "Chris."
326
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:37,458
Peter, you seem different.
327
00:14:37,526 --> 00:14:40,677
That's right, Lois.
I live the life
of the mind now.
328
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:43,514
My brain is awash with
theorems and profundity
329
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:46,500
and abstractions that I can
pontificate upon at length.
330
00:14:46,569 --> 00:14:48,653
Brian's a woof-cat!
331
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,549
Peter, you sound so refined.
332
00:14:50,573 --> 00:14:52,639
Are you intelligent now?
333
00:14:52,708 --> 00:14:55,092
Affirmative.
That means "yes."
334
00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:56,260
Does that please you?
335
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:57,406
It does, Peter.
336
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,663
Well, it should.
337
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,616
After all, knowledge is
the ultimate aphrodisiac.
338
00:15:01,684 --> 00:15:03,484
Shall we away for relations?
339
00:15:03,553 --> 00:15:06,632
I'm not sure
what you're saying,
but let's hump!
340
00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,539
Affirmative, affirmative,
341
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:11,775
affirmative...
Oh, my God, affirmative!
342
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:14,278
Wow, Peter, that was great!
343
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,647
It was.
Sorry I "arrived" early.
344
00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:18,249
That's okay.
345
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,728
And sorry about the bedspread.
346
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,718
That was about
a week's worth of arrive.
347
00:15:28,945 --> 00:15:32,046
Mom, Dad, the TV's broken!
348
00:15:32,114 --> 00:15:34,548
Actually, Chris,
I got rid of our television.
349
00:15:34,617 --> 00:15:37,284
This is our new bookshelf,
and I think you'll find
350
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:40,221
it has more channels than
any TV we've ever owned.
351
00:15:40,289 --> 00:15:42,234
I want to watch
The Walking Dead!
352
00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:45,543
Then I shall read to you from
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
353
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:46,961
I want to watch New Girl.
354
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,907
Perhaps you'd like to
hear about Jane Eyre,
355
00:15:48,931 --> 00:15:52,800
who felt quite the new
girl at Rochester's
Thornfield Hall.
356
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,602
How about Game of Thrones?
357
00:15:54,671 --> 00:15:57,171
Instead,
I shall read to you from...
358
00:15:57,239 --> 00:15:58,523
Game of Thrones.
359
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,775
Oh, finally, another
reader in the family.
360
00:16:00,844 --> 00:16:03,510
You know, these are some of
my favorite books and authors.
361
00:16:03,579 --> 00:16:05,290
Oh? What are you
reading right now?
362
00:16:05,314 --> 00:16:06,826
Oh, boy.
Well, I'm...
363
00:16:06,850 --> 00:16:08,482
I'm sort of
between books right now.
364
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,062
Yeah? What was
the last thing you read?
365
00:16:10,086 --> 00:16:11,764
He's got you on the ropes now.
366
00:16:11,788 --> 00:16:14,021
I'm actually
re-reading a lot of stuff.
367
00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:15,901
Yeah? Like what?
Just tap out.
368
00:16:15,925 --> 00:16:17,691
Uh... The classics,
you know?
369
00:16:17,761 --> 00:16:21,195
Going back to
the basics, really.
370
00:16:21,264 --> 00:16:22,864
Words on the printed page.
371
00:16:22,932 --> 00:16:25,099
Thank you,
Steve Guttenberg, right?
372
00:16:25,168 --> 00:16:26,367
What is this, oak?
373
00:16:26,435 --> 00:16:28,013
Oh, I don't even think it's oak!
374
00:16:28,037 --> 00:16:31,255
Peter, I can't get over
the way you've
transformed yourself.
375
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,468
How'd you do it?
376
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,258
Well, Lois, some of it
came from books,
377
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,660
some came from museums,
378
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:38,145
and, honestly, a lot of it
just came from travel.
379
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,514
Hey, excuse me,
I need to rent a car.
380
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:43,467
Preferably one where
the radio is stuck on NPR.
381
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,083
Here you go.
382
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:50,224
Hello. It's me.
I am returning.
383
00:16:50,293 --> 00:16:51,370
How was the car?
384
00:16:51,394 --> 00:16:53,211
Coastal and superior.
385
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,479
I never knew whisper-talking
was so smart.
386
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,815
And how will you be paying
for your rental, sir?
387
00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:00,517
I will pay you with stories
of my abusive father
388
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,503
set to dissonant flute.
389
00:17:03,739 --> 00:17:06,107
I was seven when
he first came home drunk.
390
00:17:06,176 --> 00:17:09,944
A child should
sleep on his bed,
not under it.
391
00:17:14,417 --> 00:17:15,560
Hey, what are you listening to?
392
00:17:15,584 --> 00:17:17,551
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm learning Sanskrit.
393
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,754
You know, an ancient
tongue can be as
titillating as a young one.
394
00:17:20,823 --> 00:17:23,335
Peter, what gives?
Ever since you had
all those business trips,
395
00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:24,686
you've been acting weird.
396
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:28,395
Pity a man in familiar places
who yet feels like a stranger.
397
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:31,243
You... You're the
asshole who wrote that
in the bathroom!
398
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:34,601
Indeed. Being smart
and cultured is so lonely.
399
00:17:34,671 --> 00:17:37,471
Now I know why Oscar Wilde
turned to alcoholism
400
00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:38,973
and bone inhalation.
401
00:17:39,042 --> 00:17:41,425
Gentlemen,
as they say in Sanskrit...
402
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:42,926
Shubha Prabhatam.
403
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:45,941
Heh! You know
what's weird?
404
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,043
Shubha Prabhatam
is my porn name.
405
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,067
What?
406
00:17:49,135 --> 00:17:50,679
Yeah, first pet and
street you grew up on.
407
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,236
You had a pet named Shubha?
408
00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:54,624
Oh, yeah. Old Shubha
was a tough pooch.
409
00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:58,059
He was feared by everyone up
and down Prabhatam Drive.
410
00:17:58,127 --> 00:17:59,694
You have a very weird past.
411
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,916
All right, if this is
to be a smart family,
412
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,551
we will have to
learn not to giggle
413
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:10,020
at smart things that
sound dirty but are not.
414
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,271
Balzac.
415
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,074
Homo erectus.
416
00:18:15,912 --> 00:18:17,228
Spotted dick.
417
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:20,497
The results have
been disappointing.
418
00:18:21,951 --> 00:18:23,751
I always thought spotted dick
419
00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:25,986
had something
to do with Morgan Freeman.
420
00:18:29,925 --> 00:18:31,187
We now return to
421
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:33,989
Wizard Robot
and His Less
Successful Friend.
422
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:37,748
Aah! We're in a real jar
of jam this time,
Wizard Robot.
423
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,350
Gip-gop.
424
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,152
I have put too much
suds in this machine
for washing clothes.
425
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:44,489
And tonight is the night
I meet with other members
426
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,423
of my form 12 learning mates
427
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:49,794
to celebrate the exactly
two groupings of 10 years ago.
428
00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:51,983
Gip-gop.
429
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,298
Oh, excellent!
430
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,166
The situation has abated itself.
431
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:57,668
Let us leave the room
432
00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:00,237
where no comedic situation
will soon take place.
433
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,767
Hi, Lois.
No, I wasn't!
434
00:19:13,836 --> 00:19:15,731
Oh, Brian,
thank God
it's just you.
435
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,523
You know how Peter
thinks TV rots the mind.
436
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,470
Oh, as long as you're
here, can you run some
vocabulary with me?
437
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,572
I need to know how to use
these words in sentences
438
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,007
by the time Peter gets home.
439
00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:26,709
Oh, that should be easy.
Just give me the word,
440
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,210
and I'll put it in
a sentence for you.
441
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:29,633
"Anodyne."
442
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:30,767
Uh...
443
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,754
A friend asked me
what "anodyne" means.
444
00:19:33,822 --> 00:19:35,072
Oh, who am I kidding?
445
00:19:35,124 --> 00:19:37,235
I'm never gonna learn
any of these words.
446
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:40,777
I can't
take this anymore, Brian,
and the kids can't either.
447
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,446
Peter's become a nightmare.
448
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,075
Wait, I thought this was
what you always wanted...
449
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:45,749
For Peter not to be an idiot.
450
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,479
Oh, at least that Peter was fun
451
00:19:47,503 --> 00:19:49,347
and didn't make
me feel so stupid.
452
00:19:49,371 --> 00:19:51,405
I miss the old Peter.
453
00:19:51,473 --> 00:19:52,990
Well, we got to do something,
454
00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:55,125
'cause this new Peter
just sounds all wrong.
455
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,327
Like a pilot
without a calming voice.
456
00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:00,876
We've now reached
our cruising altitude!
457
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,846
If you look outthe window, you'll seethe Rocky Mountains!
458
00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:07,130
We have to get out of here!
459
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:10,775
Wait a minute.
460
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:14,044
If visiting San
Francisco and New York
made Peter smart,
461
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:16,057
maybe if we send him
to the dumbest city
462
00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:18,861
in the whole country,
it'll bring
back the old Peter.
463
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,618
Huh. It's worth a try.
464
00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:26,081
Aloha!
465
00:20:36,085 --> 00:20:38,297
Is Peter home?
He's pulling in now.
466
00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,437
I sure hope Tucson helped.
467
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:43,774
Heads up, guys.
I farted on the doorstep,
but it's hot on my trail.
468
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,360
Oh, Brian, that's a good sign.
469
00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:48,379
How was your trip?
Oh, amazing.
470
00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:51,515
I saw a wet T-shirt contest
using chocolate milk.
471
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:53,250
It was at
the Tucson Philharmonic.
472
00:20:53,319 --> 00:20:54,551
What else did you do?
473
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,704
Eh, mostly just
picked my desert boogers.
474
00:20:56,773 --> 00:20:59,890
Oh, Peter, you're back!
Thank God!
475
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:03,076
We all owe that trash city
a debt of gratitude.
476
00:21:03,145 --> 00:21:05,880
Did you know Battleship
is still in theaters there?
36370
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