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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:08,189
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,877
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,796
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,864 --> 00:00:18,250
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,166
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:29,978
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:37,114
The Travel Channel presents,
11
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:40,873
Backpacking Through Europe
with a Bowlegged
Man in Short Shorts.
12
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:44,326
Hello. Come, let's see some
beautiful sites together.
13
00:00:44,394 --> 00:00:46,829
Hello, Tree.
Thank you for shade.
14
00:00:46,897 --> 00:00:48,247
Hello, Mountain Cat.
15
00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:51,132
Thank you for controlling
local rat population.
16
00:00:51,201 --> 00:00:52,417
Hello, Windmill.
17
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:54,936
Thank you for the cheese ride
and ball cooling.
18
00:00:55,005 --> 00:00:57,071
Next week, bullet trains.
19
00:00:57,607 --> 00:00:59,574
Hello!
20
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:02,161
Hey, Dad. Are you busy?
21
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,796
I was thinking we could
spend some time together.
22
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,432
Okay, are you a television
set, or the Internet?
23
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:08,501
No.
24
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:09,935
Oh, then no.
No, thank you.
25
00:01:10,004 --> 00:01:11,204
Are you sure?
26
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,033
'Cause there's a three-day
weekend coming up
27
00:01:13,057 --> 00:01:15,335
and I thought maybe
you and I could
finally go fishing
28
00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:16,736
like we've been talking about.
29
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,145
Oh, sorry, Chris, I can't.
I got insanity practice.
30
00:01:21,865 --> 00:01:23,732
Pinwheels!
Pinwheels in my head!
31
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,550
Voices! Angry fish!
32
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,213
How's he doing?
Not good.
33
00:01:27,237 --> 00:01:30,055
He still thinks this is
"practice" of some sort.
34
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:32,808
But you promised
we'd go fishing.
35
00:01:32,876 --> 00:01:36,010
Aw, Chris, I was just lying to
you so you'd go away.
36
00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:37,612
But, if you leave me alone now,
37
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,147
I'll give you a billion dollars.
38
00:01:39,216 --> 00:01:41,316
You've got a deal!
39
00:01:41,385 --> 00:01:42,884
Peter, you know,
it might help Chris
40
00:01:42,952 --> 00:01:44,730
to be able to spend
some time with his father.
41
00:01:44,754 --> 00:01:46,266
Well, what's in it for ol' Pete?
42
00:01:46,290 --> 00:01:47,322
He's your son.
43
00:01:47,391 --> 00:01:48,923
Don't you want
someone to bond with.
44
00:01:48,992 --> 00:01:51,693
No. I only form
unspoken bonds.
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00:01:56,983 --> 00:01:59,951
♪ Hit me with your best shot
46
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,700
♪ Why don't you hit
me with your best shot?
47
00:02:04,474 --> 00:02:05,674
♪ Hit me with your best shot
48
00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:09,878
♪ Fire away ♪
49
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,486
Okay.
50
00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:20,455
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
51
00:02:20,524 --> 00:02:21,757
You guys, that was my mom.
52
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,536
She said that
Daddy broke his leg.
53
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,637
How?
54
00:02:24,661 --> 00:02:27,312
Apparently, he got
hurt at the mall.
55
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,701
Carter, please stop doing that.
56
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,544
We need to get you
some new corduroys.
57
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:34,035
No! None of the other boys
are wearing corduroys!
58
00:02:34,104 --> 00:02:35,336
I want dungarees!
59
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,249
You're going to
get hurt doing that.
60
00:02:37,273 --> 00:02:40,308
No, I'm not!
I'm the champ at doing this!
61
00:02:40,376 --> 00:02:42,077
Ow! You jinxed me!
62
00:02:42,145 --> 00:02:43,845
Oh, damn it!
63
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:46,781
Hey, call that beeping cart
that carries around
the fat black people.
64
00:02:46,850 --> 00:02:49,067
Well, I guess Babs
has her work cut out for her.
65
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,181
Actually, Mom can't
take care of him.
66
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,082
She's out of town
doing a photo shoot
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00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,546
for the cover of Veins Magazine.
68
00:02:58,078 --> 00:02:59,939
So, are you gonna go
take care of him, Mom?
69
00:02:59,963 --> 00:03:03,123
I can't go. I've got to
go get my hair very
minutely changed
70
00:03:03,166 --> 00:03:04,811
and then spend the next 14 hours
71
00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:06,835
trying to get people to notice.
72
00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:09,999
Well...
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00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,943
Lois, move.
You're blocking the TV.
74
00:03:11,975 --> 00:03:13,903
What do you think?
75
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,560
I think you're blocking the TV.
76
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:18,830
Peter, is there anything
you want to say to me?
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00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:21,766
All right.
Amy at work kissed me.
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00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,969
It is true that I
did not step away,
but I did not lean in.
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00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,571
However, in my defense,
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00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,207
she had recently gotten
her hair done differently.
81
00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:32,244
I was actually thinking that
maybe you could go help Daddy.
82
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:33,423
Well, not me, Mom.
83
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:34,724
Last time I was at Grandpa's,
84
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,194
I beat him at checkers
and he punched
one of my hogans.
85
00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:38,483
Well, what about Chris?
86
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,218
Wait, where is Chris?
87
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:41,498
He's upstairs in his room.
88
00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:43,638
That's odd. He never
misses a meal.
89
00:03:43,707 --> 00:03:44,907
I better go check on him.
90
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,374
Yeah, good idea.
91
00:03:46,442 --> 00:03:48,910
I better check on my
hairless twin in
the storm shed.
92
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:53,465
Close the door,
the moonlight burns!
93
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:56,017
It's almost Christmas.
It's almost Christmas.
94
00:03:56,086 --> 00:03:57,201
Christmas?
95
00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:58,704
Yes. Keep being good
96
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:02,157
and all the eggshells
and coffee grounds
will be yours.
97
00:04:02,225 --> 00:04:03,691
Can I meet the family?
98
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,443
You've overstepped!
No Christmas!
99
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,065
Hey, Chris. Are you okay?
100
00:04:11,134 --> 00:04:13,585
Holy crap,
it smells like farts in here.
101
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,253
Those are my farts.
102
00:04:15,322 --> 00:04:18,100
Why doesn't Dad
ever want to
spend time with me?
103
00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:19,390
Chris, come here.
104
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,593
Sit down.
105
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,628
You know I love you,
right, sweetie?
106
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:26,031
Mom, not in front of my posters.
107
00:04:26,083 --> 00:04:27,999
And your father loves you, too.
108
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,919
He just has trouble
expressing his emotions.
109
00:04:30,988 --> 00:04:32,738
I love Mike & Molly!
110
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,307
I love Mike and I
also love Molly!
111
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,491
And I don't care who knows it!
112
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,493
You know, Chris,
you've got a grandpa
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00:04:39,562 --> 00:04:41,429
who could use
your help right now.
114
00:04:41,497 --> 00:04:44,165
I'm sure he'd enjoy
spending time with you.
115
00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:46,434
Okay, I'll give it a shot.
116
00:04:48,906 --> 00:04:50,449
You're not gonna
kill yourself, are you?
117
00:04:50,473 --> 00:04:53,174
That would be
a severe black mark
on my record as a mom.
118
00:04:53,243 --> 00:04:56,444
Oh, I'd have to make up
stories of a severe
mental illness.
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00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,614
Make it seem a miracle
you made it this long.
120
00:04:59,682 --> 00:05:01,482
I could do that.
121
00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:07,439
Sucks about your leg, Grandpa.
122
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:08,522
How you been doin'?
123
00:05:08,591 --> 00:05:10,369
Well, let me tell you,
this is awful.
124
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,692
I'm so bored.
125
00:05:11,762 --> 00:05:13,740
I can't sleep,
I just have to lie here
126
00:05:13,764 --> 00:05:15,641
and wait for my
stupid leg to heal.
127
00:05:15,665 --> 00:05:17,532
Oh, I'm really sorry, Grandpa.
128
00:05:17,601 --> 00:05:20,118
And the worst part about it,
is I can't have sex.
129
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,737
God! I wish there was a way
I could just do it myself.
130
00:05:22,806 --> 00:05:25,640
You know, just to be done
and napping
within four minutes.
131
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,743
Let me show you something.
132
00:05:29,613 --> 00:05:32,781
That was amazing!
133
00:05:32,850 --> 00:05:34,961
And Lynda Carter
wasn't actually here?
134
00:05:34,985 --> 00:05:36,918
No! That was just
in your mind.
135
00:05:36,987 --> 00:05:38,453
Incredible!
136
00:05:38,521 --> 00:05:40,817
So you can do that like,
what, once a year
or something?
137
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:44,176
No. You can do it basically
whenever you're not
doing something else.
138
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,410
Cool!
139
00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:47,798
Hey, next time I want
to try it with my hand.
140
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:52,161
Hey, Grandpa.
What should we do now?
141
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,518
You wanna order a pizza?
142
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,997
Well, that doesn't
sound very exciting.
143
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:58,973
But now you can
follow your order online!
144
00:05:59,042 --> 00:06:00,253
There it is.
It's on Van Buren!
145
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:01,509
Oh, oh! He's almost here!
146
00:06:01,577 --> 00:06:03,311
Wow. He's really fast.
147
00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:04,580
Hey, I got an idea.
148
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,043
Let's put in two
different orders
and have 'em race!
149
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,251
You think
it'll crash the system?
150
00:06:09,319 --> 00:06:11,152
Only one way to find out.
151
00:06:12,222 --> 00:06:14,462
Here's your pizza.
That's $16.50.
152
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,857
We were playing a game with you.
153
00:06:15,926 --> 00:06:17,692
That's what you are.
You're a clown.
154
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,205
Are you gonna pay for the pizza?
155
00:06:19,229 --> 00:06:21,696
Yes. Your money is in
this pile of mashed potatoes.
156
00:06:21,764 --> 00:06:23,764
Eat your way out.
No hands.
157
00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:29,037
This is fun, Chris.
I like hanging out with you.
158
00:06:29,106 --> 00:06:31,205
Don't look up.
You're not a part of this.
159
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,812
It's sounding
really good, Grandpa.
160
00:06:37,881 --> 00:06:39,881
I know, I know.
Sorry I'm late.
161
00:06:39,950 --> 00:06:42,016
Look, Jason, are you
taking this seriously?
162
00:06:42,085 --> 00:06:44,085
Because Chris and I
take this seriously.
163
00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:45,764
You know, if you're not
gonna show up to rehearsal,
164
00:06:45,788 --> 00:06:47,533
we'll find someone
else who will, all right?
165
00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:48,923
We want to get some paying gigs!
166
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,624
Sorry. Geez.
167
00:06:50,693 --> 00:06:53,728
Remember,
this is about writing music
that means something to us!
168
00:06:53,797 --> 00:06:55,213
Okay, from the top.
169
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,650
♪ Halls Mentho-lyptus
170
00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,152
♪ You can feel it in your nose
171
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,722
♪ That's how you know
it's a medicated cough drop
172
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:06,157
♪ And not just a candy ♪
173
00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:07,954
Hey, can we play
one of my songs?
174
00:07:07,978 --> 00:07:10,912
No! No one wants to
hear your stupid songs
about nothing!
175
00:07:10,981 --> 00:07:15,016
Now, let's play
I Fell in the Shower,So Maybe We Do Need That Bar.
176
00:07:15,085 --> 00:07:16,584
Five, six, seven, eight!
177
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,035
Listen, Chris,
I really want to thank you
178
00:07:22,059 --> 00:07:24,625
for coming to take care of me
and helping me get well again.
179
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:27,078
Oh, it was no big deal.
Well, it is to me,
180
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,428
and I want to give you some
money for all your time.
181
00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:31,161
Come on,
you don't have to do that.
182
00:07:31,185 --> 00:07:34,252
I just like
getting to spend time
with my grandpa, you know?
183
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,854
I... Wait, wait, what?
184
00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:38,934
You're... You're not
gonna take the money?
185
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:42,260
No, I don't want
your money. I had fun
hanging out with you.
186
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,096
Well, all right, then.
187
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,347
Hey, Grandpa, check it out.
188
00:07:46,416 --> 00:07:48,199
When I make my elbow like this,
189
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:49,968
it looks like
women's private parts!
190
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,470
Oh, Chris!
191
00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:55,239
You just have a way
of looking at things
that's delightfully fresh!
192
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,758
We're not supposed
to be doing this.
193
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,902
I bet we're not supposed
to be doing this.
194
00:08:05,002 --> 00:08:06,567
Daddy! You're all better!
195
00:08:06,636 --> 00:08:07,818
That's right, pumpkin.
196
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:09,820
And I have an important
announcement to make.
197
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:14,225
I have decided
to change my will,
and name my grandson Chris
198
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,827
the sole heir to
the Pewterschmidt fortune.
199
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:18,613
What?
Oh, my!
200
00:08:19,816 --> 00:08:21,700
Oh, no! My hairless
twin got out!
201
00:08:26,889 --> 00:08:28,223
Hello, family.
202
00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:30,658
Let's eat all
the garbage we want.
203
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:40,702
Daddy, you're seriously
leaving your entire
estate to Chris?
204
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,370
I mean, what about Mom?
205
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:45,339
I promise she'll
be dead before I am.
I promise.
206
00:08:45,408 --> 00:08:47,541
But, Grandpa,
I don't even want the money.
207
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,894
See? This is exactly
why you should get it!
208
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,029
So refreshing!
209
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,975
Well, I don't want it, either.
210
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:54,310
Good, 'cause you're
not getting it.
211
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,129
Come on, what are you doing?
212
00:08:56,153 --> 00:09:00,355
Listen, Carter,
you take me out of your will,
I'm taking you out of mine.
213
00:09:00,423 --> 00:09:03,068
Peter, that wasn't
your will, that was
your birth certificate.
214
00:09:03,092 --> 00:09:05,226
Oh, no!
215
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:08,530
There's no light!
There's only fire!
216
00:09:08,598 --> 00:09:11,277
Look, Carter, I suppose
you're entitled to
do what you want,
217
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,879
but, you know,
I'm just saying,
if it were me,
218
00:09:13,903 --> 00:09:15,748
I would give all
the money to charity.
219
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,038
Oh, yeah?
Which charity?
220
00:09:17,107 --> 00:09:20,307
Well, there are just so many
that do such great work.
221
00:09:20,376 --> 00:09:21,609
Name just one.
222
00:09:21,678 --> 00:09:23,511
Um... Well, you know...
223
00:09:23,579 --> 00:09:29,000
Poor Green Whale Guns Books?
224
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,052
You are such a fraud.
225
00:09:31,121 --> 00:09:33,954
Why won't anyone help us?
226
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:42,346
What the hell?
I can't believe your dad's
giving all his cash to Chris!
227
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,116
I know it's strange,
but in the end it's his money,
228
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,700
so who really cares?
229
00:09:46,769 --> 00:09:48,302
Well, yeah, but...
230
00:09:48,371 --> 00:09:49,970
But what?
231
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,141
Peter, did you marry
me for my money?
232
00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,443
Of course not, Lois,
but even you can't deny
233
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,645
it was always
gonna be a huge perk.
234
00:09:57,714 --> 00:09:59,647
Did I use that right? Perk?
235
00:09:59,716 --> 00:10:01,483
Yes, Peter.
236
00:10:01,551 --> 00:10:03,729
Yeah, I thought so,
but then it just sounded
kind of weird when I said it.
237
00:10:03,753 --> 00:10:05,513
It was fine.
Thanks.
238
00:10:05,555 --> 00:10:07,955
Anyway, I don't plan
on losing out on
any of that money.
239
00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:11,292
So if you ask me, we gotta
start sucking up
to Chris right away.
240
00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,506
What? What are you
talking about?
241
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,330
I'm talking about
brownnosing Chris
242
00:10:15,399 --> 00:10:17,098
and getting on
his good side perk.
243
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:18,944
No, that's wrong.
No "perk."
244
00:10:18,968 --> 00:10:21,903
Okay, my bad.
But I've been counting
on that money, Lois.
245
00:10:21,971 --> 00:10:24,139
It's always been
critical to my master plan.
246
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:25,806
What master plan?
247
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,159
Look, I never told
you this, but,
248
00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:31,329
for years now, I've been
planning on retiring at 45,
249
00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:34,615
so I can work
on finding a cure
for Ballzheimers disease.
250
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,535
Peter, are those testicles?
251
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,036
Where did you get those?
252
00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:41,038
I don't remember!
253
00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,528
Hey, hey, there he is!
254
00:10:47,597 --> 00:10:50,565
Oh, boy, hot dogs and
Nintendo, huh, Chris?
255
00:10:50,634 --> 00:10:52,934
Dad, what are you doing?
What's going on?
256
00:10:53,002 --> 00:10:56,503
Good one, Chris! Good one!
257
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:58,239
Why are you dressed like that?
258
00:10:58,307 --> 00:11:00,786
I don't know. I just kind of
felt like this is what
cool people wear.
259
00:11:00,810 --> 00:11:03,211
Hey, hey, Chris, how about you
and me do a secret handshake
260
00:11:03,279 --> 00:11:05,458
that has way too many steps
to remember, all right?
261
00:11:05,482 --> 00:11:08,433
Okay. Shake, bump, bump,
slap, pinky hook,
262
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,947
pretend to slick
your hair back,
represent, bump,
263
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,954
one spin, slap high, slap low,
264
00:11:13,023 --> 00:11:15,589
reverse spin, bump, explode,
shake, belly rub,
265
00:11:15,658 --> 00:11:18,176
fake yawn, finger gun,
hitchhiker, hitchhiker,
266
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:20,422
shimmy shimmy sham sham,
shake, shake, shake, bump,
267
00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:22,025
something smells
and shake again.
268
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,097
Okay, ready?
269
00:11:25,202 --> 00:11:27,001
Oh, my God, it's nighttime.
270
00:11:29,805 --> 00:11:31,467
We now return to the
director's cut
271
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,024
of Mission: Impossible 5,
272
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,560
with the step stools
not edited out.
273
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:38,229
You're coming with me because
I'm definitely over six feet,
274
00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:39,980
and you're not handsome.
275
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,544
Hey, Chris, hey,
you remember that kid
276
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:42,978
you said was
bullying you at school?
277
00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:44,180
Well, here's his head!
278
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,273
That's not even him!
That's the deaf kid!
279
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,708
Oh, that was sign language.
280
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:53,937
I thought he was
trying to defend himself
with terrible karate.
281
00:11:56,199 --> 00:11:57,709
Chris, I want to share with you
282
00:11:57,733 --> 00:12:00,201
a timeworn father-son tradition.
283
00:12:00,270 --> 00:12:01,764
I am gonna show
you a film comedy
284
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:04,255
from my youth
that won't hold up.
285
00:12:04,323 --> 00:12:06,940
Welcome to the classic
comedy, Meatballs.
286
00:12:07,009 --> 00:12:08,276
Oh, that sounds great.
287
00:12:08,344 --> 00:12:10,490
Is it about a pasta
factory or something?
288
00:12:10,514 --> 00:12:11,879
No, that's part of the joke.
289
00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:14,883
Who's the guy?
That's not a guy.
That's the hot chick!
290
00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:16,550
Where are her boobs?
291
00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:19,320
Flat with a decent
face was the best
we could hope for back then.
292
00:12:19,389 --> 00:12:21,749
Miley Cyrus had sex
with a foam finger
293
00:12:21,791 --> 00:12:24,025
at, like, 6:00 p.m.
Central Time.
294
00:12:24,094 --> 00:12:26,461
This movie has a canoe
that slowly sinks.
295
00:12:26,529 --> 00:12:27,890
All right, you know what?
Forget it!
296
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,815
I'm just gonna take my VCR,
my VCR head-cleaning tape,
297
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:33,667
my VCR head-cleaning spray,
my head-cleaning rag,
298
00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:36,270
and my rewinder, and just
get the hell out of here.
299
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,326
We now return to
300
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:45,646
At the Movies With Two Guys
Who Watch the Films
on Their iPhones.
301
00:12:45,715 --> 00:12:47,676
Good evening.First off, we'regoing to review
302
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,968
Paul Greengrass'
Captain Phillips.
303
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:51,168
What did you think, Bill?
304
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:52,615
Well, it got off
to a great start,
305
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,534
but when it was my turn toplay Words With Friends,
306
00:12:54,558 --> 00:12:55,834
it really took me out of it.
307
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,025
Well, that's a shame,
308
00:12:57,093 --> 00:12:59,213
because visually... Ooh.
309
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:03,564
When we come back,the guys will review
American Hustle.
310
00:13:03,633 --> 00:13:04,648
Mmm?
311
00:13:05,468 --> 00:13:06,646
Hey, you guys.
312
00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:08,236
Geez, Peter, you look exhausted.
313
00:13:08,305 --> 00:13:10,483
Oh, I am. I've been
busting my ass
314
00:13:10,507 --> 00:13:12,757
for the last week trying
to suck up to Chris.
315
00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:14,475
To Chris? What the hell for?
316
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,478
Well, Carter kind of decided
he's gonna leave all
his money to Chris.
317
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,491
So, I've been trying
to get on his good side.
318
00:13:19,515 --> 00:13:21,527
I even cleaned his room
for him the other day.
319
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:22,951
Wish I hadn't done that.
320
00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:26,220
Chris, our bath is ready.
321
00:13:26,689 --> 00:13:28,589
I... Uh...
322
00:13:28,658 --> 00:13:30,291
I don't...
I don't know what to do now.
323
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,694
I... I don't have
the parenting skills
necessary to deal with this.
324
00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:35,674
I say we never
speak of this again.
325
00:13:35,698 --> 00:13:38,132
I... I might move.
326
00:13:38,201 --> 00:13:40,267
You know what?
I say, good for Chris
327
00:13:40,336 --> 00:13:42,570
and whatever lucky girl
he ends up marrying.
328
00:13:42,639 --> 00:13:45,205
Yeah, or lucky guy,
if he ends up being gay.
329
00:13:45,274 --> 00:13:47,191
Lucky guy?
330
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:50,478
Wait a minute.
You guys just gave me an idea!
331
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,499
What's he doing up there?
He's a cat!
332
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:58,403
He can't play no tuba!
333
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:01,422
No, wait! Actually,
you guys gave me two ideas!
334
00:14:03,660 --> 00:14:07,745
Mumbling while I sleep
to indicate dream content.
335
00:14:07,797 --> 00:14:08,991
Chris, Chris, wake up.
336
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,243
I have something very
important to ask you.
337
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,212
Chris, there comes
a time when every man
looks at his son
338
00:14:14,236 --> 00:14:17,171
and thinks, "I want to take
this to the next level."
339
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,944
Chris Griffin,
will you marry me?
340
00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:27,448
What? Is it even legal
for a man to marry his son?
341
00:14:27,517 --> 00:14:28,983
It is in Vermont.
342
00:14:29,051 --> 00:14:31,130
As long as it's
a man and a man,
anything goes up there.
343
00:14:31,154 --> 00:14:33,065
They're a bunch of
liberal degenerates.
344
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:35,139
I don't know.
It seems really weird.
345
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,375
I mean, aren't men supposed
to marry women?
346
00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,488
No, no, no, that's
just all of human history
347
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,473
except for the last five months.
348
00:14:41,497 --> 00:14:43,031
We'll just be like best pals.
349
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:44,510
And besides,
there's plenty of people
350
00:14:44,534 --> 00:14:45,911
who are married
and don't have sex.
351
00:14:45,935 --> 00:14:47,713
Like Will Smith
and that pit bull.
352
00:14:47,737 --> 00:14:49,554
Why do you even
want to marry me?
353
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,872
It's time to settle down
and simplify things,
354
00:14:51,941 --> 00:14:55,059
like maybe having one ATM card
and one bank account.
355
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,594
Say, yours.
356
00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:57,761
Oh.
357
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,129
I get it.
358
00:14:59,182 --> 00:15:00,414
So, what do you say?
359
00:15:02,385 --> 00:15:04,886
When you're married,
you get to spend all
your time together,
360
00:15:04,954 --> 00:15:08,022
doing things
like playing catch
and going fishing, right?
361
00:15:08,091 --> 00:15:11,203
Well, the best marriages
give each other space,
but, yes, Chris.
362
00:15:11,227 --> 00:15:13,978
Then, yes, I will
marry you, Dad!
363
00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:16,730
Oh, that's wonderful news!
364
00:15:16,799 --> 00:15:19,111
You should know this
ring is very special.
365
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:20,879
It used to belong
to your mother.
366
00:15:20,903 --> 00:15:22,537
Wait. What about Mom?
367
00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:24,788
I'm afraid that's over, Chris.
368
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:27,591
Lois, wake up.
I need you to sign
this legal document.
369
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,928
Huh? What is this?
370
00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:31,963
It's a petition to
force that hot mom
371
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,465
to wear something appropriate
at PTA meetings.
372
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,967
Oh, thank God.
373
00:15:47,046 --> 00:15:48,112
No, Dad.
374
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,081
I don't know what
normal is anymore.
375
00:16:01,478 --> 00:16:04,178
So now you know my complete
sexual history, Chris.
376
00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:07,815
Wow. I'm surprised
you got fooled by
a bear in a wig.
377
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:10,184
It wasn't a wig,
it was a hair system.
378
00:16:10,253 --> 00:16:11,418
Well, whatever.
379
00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:13,420
Why do we have all
these appointments?
380
00:16:13,489 --> 00:16:15,489
Wedding DJ, florist.
381
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:18,259
Because, Chris, it takes time
to plan a perfect wedding.
382
00:16:18,327 --> 00:16:19,638
You don't want to jump the gun.
383
00:16:19,662 --> 00:16:21,782
You know, like when you
respond to a text too quickly.
384
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,212
So, should we get started
with your bridal registry?
385
00:16:38,281 --> 00:16:40,192
Yeah, I'd like to
furnish my kitchen
386
00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:42,061
as if I'm the greatest
chef in the world,
387
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,562
even though I've
never cooked before.
388
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,264
That's what we do!
Okay, great.
389
00:16:45,288 --> 00:16:48,689
All right, we'll start
with the nine grand
in copper-bottom cookware.
390
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,096
Holy wack-a-zoly!
391
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,593
Dad!
What?
392
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,728
Don't "what" me.
You know what you did.
393
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:02,720
Hey, I may be your husband and
your dad, but I'm still a man.
394
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:09,488
Yeah, we're looking
to plan our post-wedding
Sunday breakfast.
395
00:17:09,512 --> 00:17:11,657
You know, when
everyone's sick of us.
Of course.
396
00:17:11,681 --> 00:17:13,730
Excellent. Do you have
a table for the couple
397
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,911
that barely made it through
the weekend
without breaking up?
398
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,712
Absolutely. Can I put
them near the couple
399
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,881
that hooked up drunk
and now have to make
awkward small talk
400
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:21,650
until their cab to
the airport arrives?
401
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,107
Sure. And maybe
they could go next
402
00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,575
to the vastly-underdressed
cousin
403
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:26,377
who thinks the world
revolves around him?
404
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,844
I have just the spot.
405
00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:30,326
Will there be
a physically-frail,
fall-down uncle?
406
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,384
Indeed. And we'd
like to have him walk
through a maze of chair legs.
407
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:34,596
Anything else?
Yes.
408
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:36,254
We did invite a black couple.
409
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,362
Um, even though
we only met them
three months ago,
410
00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:40,424
but we would like them
to be prominently featured
411
00:17:40,459 --> 00:17:43,310
to let other guests know how
tolerant and wonderful we are.
412
00:17:47,917 --> 00:17:49,911
I'm excited for
your first dance.
413
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:52,565
And now we're
ready to add music.
What's your song?
414
00:17:52,589 --> 00:17:54,032
You know, I've given
it a lot of thought,
415
00:17:54,056 --> 00:17:56,624
and I went with the most
romantic song ever,
416
00:17:56,693 --> 00:18:00,528
Stars And Stripes Forever
by John Philip Sousa.
417
00:18:00,596 --> 00:18:02,657
March! March! March! March!
418
00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:04,292
Can you feel
the soldiers, Chris?
419
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:07,284
So many have fallen.
And this is why
they were fighting.
420
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:08,986
For a man to marry his son
421
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,632
in a state with
enough trees around
422
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,616
that nobody can
see what's going on.
423
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:22,294
It was nice of the guests
at the cat funeral
to stay for our wedding.
424
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:23,950
Yeah, and I bet
you're especially happy
425
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:25,553
we're getting married
on a Thursday.
426
00:18:25,621 --> 00:18:27,721
School, yuck, right?
427
00:18:27,790 --> 00:18:30,024
Welcome, friends, loved ones,
428
00:18:30,093 --> 00:18:32,404
and people who are waiting
for the 3:00 check-in time
429
00:18:32,428 --> 00:18:33,778
with nothing better to do.
430
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,396
Just let us put
our bags in there.
431
00:18:35,464 --> 00:18:37,698
I'm literally gonna
grab my shorts and leave.
432
00:18:37,766 --> 00:18:40,634
I understand the two of you
have written your own vows?
433
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,621
Chris, to express my love,
434
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:46,690
I turn to the words
of the only poet
that blue collar,
435
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:50,461
New England scumbags
like me know, Robert Frost.
436
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,631
"Two roads diverged
in a wood, and I...
437
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:55,932
"I took the one
less traveled."
438
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:58,269
Now, I ain't no scholar,
but if that's not a metaphor
439
00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:00,971
for major-league butt stuff,
I don't know what is.
440
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,406
Thank you. Chris?
441
00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:03,824
Stop the wedding!
442
00:19:05,528 --> 00:19:07,778
Lois! How did you
find out about this?
443
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:11,215
Peter, several people
have called the police
about a man marrying his son.
444
00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:12,583
It's not normal!
445
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,035
Peter? Peter Griffin?
446
00:19:15,104 --> 00:19:16,921
Oh, God.
447
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,140
Is everyone
from your past here
to walk you down the aisle?
448
00:19:20,209 --> 00:19:22,021
Peter, you cannot do this!
449
00:19:22,045 --> 00:19:23,689
You cannot marry your son!
450
00:19:23,713 --> 00:19:25,858
I don't care how much
money Daddy's left him.
451
00:19:25,882 --> 00:19:27,058
Don't listen to
your mother, Chris.
452
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,122
It's 'cause of her
we have bedtimes!
453
00:19:29,184 --> 00:19:32,584
Chris, come on, we're
going home! He can't
make you do this.
454
00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:34,705
But, Mom, I want to do this.
455
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,240
What?
456
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,760
I know he's marrying me
for my money,
but I don't care.
457
00:19:39,829 --> 00:19:42,296
Dad and I spent more time
together planning this wedding
458
00:19:42,364 --> 00:19:43,931
than we ever have before.
459
00:19:43,999 --> 00:19:45,566
And if being married means
460
00:19:45,635 --> 00:19:49,920
I get to spend even
more time with my dad,
then it's worth it.
461
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:54,191
Wait. You knew all along
I just wanted you
for your money?
462
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:56,210
Yeah, Dad, I did.
463
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,662
Wow.
464
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,532
Oh, boy, I've been a real jerk.
465
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,166
I'm sorry, Chris.
466
00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:04,435
But you know what?
467
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:07,038
I'm gonna make it up to you,
starting right now.
468
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:10,641
Chris Griffin,
will you be my son?
469
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,660
Yes, Dad.
470
00:20:12,728 --> 00:20:17,098
OMG, the photographer is,
like, obsessed with me.
471
00:20:17,166 --> 00:20:19,286
Well, let's all
go home, you guys.
472
00:20:19,335 --> 00:20:21,680
I think we've had enough
excitement for one day.
473
00:20:21,704 --> 00:20:23,937
Yeah, and I guess
I learned it's wrong
474
00:20:24,007 --> 00:20:26,307
to take your son to Vermont
under false pretenses
475
00:20:26,376 --> 00:20:28,309
to try to marry him
for his inheritance.
476
00:20:28,378 --> 00:20:30,022
You... You should've
known that.
477
00:20:30,046 --> 00:20:31,678
Well, we should
probably get going.
478
00:20:31,747 --> 00:20:34,148
I think this adventure is over.
479
00:20:34,217 --> 00:20:37,034
Interestingly, however,
I did run into Chris again.
480
00:20:37,102 --> 00:20:39,219
It was on the Upper West Side
of Manhattan.
481
00:20:39,288 --> 00:20:41,939
He was with another dad.
I was with another son.
482
00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:44,408
But it was nice reminiscing
about old times.
483
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,622
For you kids watching,this is a referenceto a Woody Allen movie.
484
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:50,181
He also married
one of his children.
37545
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