Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:04,503
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:08,173
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:11,810
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:15,047
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:18,183
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,436
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:23,154
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,923
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,975 --> 00:00:29,912
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,819 --> 00:00:37,919
Wow, I'm so excited for Brian.
11
00:00:37,988 --> 00:00:39,666
Remember, kids,
if it's terrible,
12
00:00:39,690 --> 00:00:42,107
at the end, we all say,
"You did it!"
13
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,653
I can't believe we're
going to the theater
14
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,378
the same day Chris
drowned a mouse in a puddle.
15
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,497
I mean, don't we need a day
to clear our heads?
16
00:00:48,566 --> 00:00:50,165
Boy, this takes me back.
17
00:00:50,233 --> 00:00:53,318
You know,
I was kind of one of those
theater kids in high school.
18
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,553
♪ Suddenly Seymour
19
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,655
♪ Suddenly Seymour
20
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,858
♪ He purified me
21
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:02,027
♪ He purified you
22
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:04,062
♪ Suddenly Seymour
23
00:01:04,131 --> 00:01:06,765
♪ Suddenly Seymour ♪
24
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,868
Mrs. Andrews,
I pooped in the pot again.
25
00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:12,037
I'm gonna need
somebody to clean me up.
26
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:15,573
It's really bad this time.
27
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:18,626
Wow, what a turnout.
Oh, hey, there's Glenn.
28
00:01:18,695 --> 00:01:20,795
Hey, guys. Hey,
this is my date, Consuela.
29
00:01:20,865 --> 00:01:23,065
No, no, no.
30
00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:26,301
Okay, we're here as friends,
but I'm gonna change
your mind one day.
31
00:01:31,875 --> 00:01:34,509
Whoa! Easy there, Spencer.
32
00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:38,446
Now behave yourself,
and there'll be a withered
carrot for you later.
33
00:01:41,819 --> 00:01:43,885
Oh, I'm so proud of Brian.
34
00:01:43,954 --> 00:01:45,331
It's hard to believe
he's the same dog
35
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,706
who barked at a pineapple
for four hours.
36
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,975
Close your purse.
I can see your tampons.
37
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:53,228
And why do you need six?
What happens to you?
38
00:01:53,297 --> 00:01:54,729
There's the man of the hour.
39
00:01:54,798 --> 00:01:56,742
Hey, Brian,
can you believe
I found this blazer
40
00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:57,977
on the side of the highway?
41
00:01:58,001 --> 00:01:59,328
Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.
42
00:01:59,352 --> 00:02:01,537
Big night, Brian.
How you feeling?
43
00:02:01,605 --> 00:02:03,886
Well, a little nervous.
I just want it to go well.
44
00:02:03,941 --> 00:02:05,001
Fingers crossed.
45
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,202
Will there be an intermission?
46
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,893
Because that will determine
47
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,240
whether or not I bring this
empty Gatorade bottle
into the theater.
48
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:11,596
This is unacceptable!
49
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:12,964
Sorry, guys, I got to go.
50
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:15,567
They didn't put masking tape
over a seat for Tom Tucker
51
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:16,979
and he's in
there pitching a fit.
52
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:19,538
Do you know who I am?
I'm Tom Tucker, damn it!
53
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:23,458
I make more in an hour
than you make in two hours!
54
00:02:23,526 --> 00:02:26,077
The play's about to start.
55
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,880
Mom, am I going to fit
in the seat
56
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,848
or is this going to be
like last time?
57
00:02:31,101 --> 00:02:33,268
This should tide you over
for a while.
58
00:02:33,337 --> 00:02:35,537
I'll come back as soon as I can.
59
00:02:35,605 --> 00:02:37,339
Mmm.
60
00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:39,288
She's not coming back, you know.
61
00:02:39,343 --> 00:02:40,475
How do you know that?
62
00:02:40,544 --> 00:02:42,327
'Cause she's my mom, too.
63
00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:48,466
Excuse me, that's my seat.
64
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:50,936
We'll talk about this at home.
65
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,183
Let's see.
Who's in this thing?
66
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:57,275
Sad. Nobody. Sad. Sad. Nobody.
67
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:01,212
Victor Garber?
That's pretty good.
How did he get Victor...
68
00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:03,793
Oh, of course.
Tonight it's
Randall Evan Battincourt.
69
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,484
God, I hate understudies.
70
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:09,354
King Louis XVI
has been sentenced to
death by guillotine.
71
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:15,360
The part of King Louis XVI
will be played
by Jean De Menard.
72
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:16,678
Aw.
73
00:03:16,747 --> 00:03:18,190
Relax, you're going to do great.
74
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:22,801
Nailed it.
75
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:30,301
Well, as usual,
this is gonna
suck for one of us.
76
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:34,424
Donna? It's Grant,
your new husband.
77
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:35,514
Hi, honey.
78
00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:36,726
I've got great news.
79
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:37,816
What is it?
80
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,829
First, where do we keep
the good scotch?
81
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,753
At your brother's house.
82
00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:46,770
I got an audition
for the hottest
new play in town.
83
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,671
This could really make my career
84
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:50,540
and we can finally
start our family.
85
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,730
What's it called?
86
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:52,975
A Passing Fancy.
87
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:56,345
That's the name of this play.
88
00:03:56,369 --> 00:03:58,689
How did he do that?
How did he do that?
89
00:04:00,257 --> 00:04:03,258
Here, Donna.
I got you your
10-year anniversary present.
90
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,994
Suntan lotion?
But we live in the Northeast.
91
00:04:06,063 --> 00:04:07,662
That's right, we do.
92
00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:10,898
Unless we were
moving to California.
93
00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:12,934
He must've got the part.
94
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:14,669
When he going to meet Evita?
95
00:04:14,738 --> 00:04:16,622
Not every play is Evita.
96
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,890
Oh, no. I feel terrible.
97
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:20,592
Why? Don't you want to go?
98
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:23,495
No, I got you a parka.
99
00:04:25,131 --> 00:04:27,916
Those two are
never on the same page.
100
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,186
Wait for the look...
101
00:04:33,590 --> 00:04:35,623
And that's why it works.
102
00:04:39,096 --> 00:04:43,264
Donna, don't go!
It's not too late.
We can still start our family.
103
00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:46,484
Don't you see?
You already have a family.
104
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:48,085
It's right there.
105
00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:49,771
Ooh!
106
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,940
Those won't keep
you warm at night.
107
00:04:52,009 --> 00:04:53,741
Good-bye, Grant.
108
00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:55,143
It's funny, isn't it?
109
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:58,546
All these years,
I was the passing fancy.
110
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,659
Get up, you jerk.
111
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:29,594
Wow, that was amazing!
112
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,630
I mean, usually,
the shows suck in this town.
113
00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:34,715
Like Moishe, the low-energy
Bar Mitzvah clown.
114
00:05:34,785 --> 00:05:37,351
Ooh, what's this? A quarter.
115
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,687
I found it
behind your ear earlier.
116
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,656
All right,
that's enough tricks for you.
117
00:05:41,724 --> 00:05:43,992
I'm going to go lie down
on the coats.
118
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:51,544
Hey, has anybody
seen the review yet?
119
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,379
No, we've been waiting for you.
120
00:05:53,403 --> 00:05:55,236
Thanks. Oh, here it is.
121
00:05:55,305 --> 00:05:59,240
"Here's hoping A Passing Fancy
is actually a staying fancy.
122
00:05:59,309 --> 00:06:02,043
"The highest praise goes
to playwright Brian Griffin
123
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:05,480
"for his hilarious
and insightful look
into modern relationships.
124
00:06:05,548 --> 00:06:09,483
"If you see only
one play as an adult,
I urge you to see this one."
125
00:06:09,552 --> 00:06:10,685
Hey, can you read that page
126
00:06:10,753 --> 00:06:12,687
with all the little paragraphs
about dead people?
127
00:06:12,755 --> 00:06:14,189
Those are hilarious.
128
00:06:14,257 --> 00:06:17,392
This is amazing, Brian.
How do you feel?
You're a hit!
129
00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:19,494
It's overwhelming.
130
00:06:19,562 --> 00:06:21,629
This is all I've
ever wanted, you know?
131
00:06:21,698 --> 00:06:24,082
For people to appreciate
and respect my writing.
132
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:25,417
I want to write a play!
133
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:27,785
That's cute, Stewie.
Maybe someday.
134
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:29,932
No, I'm going to write a play.
I can do lots of things.
135
00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:32,740
I was the human resources
director for the Muppets.
136
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:35,577
Mr. Beaker,
it is my unfortunate task
to inform you
137
00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:38,580
that your services
will no longer be required
by this company.
138
00:06:40,684 --> 00:06:42,284
Well, if you must know,
139
00:06:42,352 --> 00:06:44,964
it's because we've noticed
large quantities of benzene,
ephedrine
140
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:46,921
and everyday Epsom salt,
have gone missing.
141
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,023
Oh, please.
142
00:06:49,092 --> 00:06:52,194
We both know those
are the ingredients
used to make crystal meth.
143
00:06:52,262 --> 00:06:53,439
And I've got a pretty good idea
144
00:06:53,463 --> 00:06:54,990
who you've been
selling it to as well.
145
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:56,514
Oh, hey, uh, Beaker,
146
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,828
when you're done
talking to your friend,
I want to, uh...
147
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,732
I want to talk to you
about that thing.
148
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:05,168
Hey, what you doing?
149
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,869
I was going to start
rehearsing my new play.
150
00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:07,959
Want to hear it?
151
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:10,139
Aw, you actually
wrote a little play.
152
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,442
Aw. Boy, I wish
I could hang out,
153
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,826
but it has just gotten so crazy.
154
00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:16,179
Really?
I know, right?
155
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,713
I mean, I'm not complaining,
you know?
156
00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:19,217
But I just...
I want my old life back.
157
00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:23,808
I'm just kidding,
of course.
I'm so grateful, you know?
158
00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:25,610
I mean,
every performance is sold out
159
00:07:25,678 --> 00:07:27,390
and they just added
a Wednesday matinee.
160
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:28,958
It's great. I mean,
there's only one thing
161
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,493
I'm not getting out
of this experience.
162
00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:31,561
What's that?
Sleep.
163
00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:34,464
No, no, I'm so grateful, really.
164
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,232
It's just that I'm
so busy all the time.
165
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:37,666
But it's great.
It's all great.
166
00:07:37,690 --> 00:07:39,602
Well, do you think
you might have time
to read it?
167
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,770
All right, all right.
But be patient, all right?
168
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,872
I've got interviews
and appearances all week.
169
00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:46,142
I mean, they're squeezing
every last drop they can
out of me,
170
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,515
like a bottle of ketchup.
171
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,947
Listen, we've been at this
for 15 minutes.
172
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,615
I don't think
anything's coming out.
173
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,172
I'm fine. I can keep going.
174
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:55,740
I'm just really tired.
175
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,676
What if I stick my finger
in your hole?
176
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,761
That only works
when I'm already close.
177
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:06,233
The American play was dying.
178
00:08:06,302 --> 00:08:08,235
Have we brought it
back to life here?
179
00:08:08,304 --> 00:08:10,655
I can't say that,
but it has a pulse.
180
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,891
You're such
an amazing writer, Brian.
181
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:15,259
How do you do it?
What's your process?
182
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,729
Oh, God, Allison,
how do I even answer that?
183
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:20,932
Uh, I mean,
what's a rainbow's process?
184
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:25,070
Two parts rain, one part sun,
one part childlike wonder.
185
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:29,290
What we do know, though,
is that the end result
in both cases is joy.
186
00:08:31,127 --> 00:08:34,462
Wow. Wow, are you glad
you left
the lighthouse now, Seamus?
187
00:08:34,530 --> 00:08:36,231
Oh, I think so, Seamus!
188
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:39,767
Excuse me, I noticed
you were talking loud,
so that means you're smart.
189
00:08:39,836 --> 00:08:41,447
But would you mind,
and I hate asking,
190
00:08:41,471 --> 00:08:43,066
but would you mind signing this?
191
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,984
Is this guy giving you
a hard time, Brian?
192
00:08:45,008 --> 00:08:46,986
Naw, he's all right.
All right. Cool, cool.
193
00:08:47,010 --> 00:08:48,210
How you doing, buddy?
194
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:44,982
My God.
195
00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:47,585
It's miraculous.
196
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,588
Fuck.
197
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:52,635
Hey, Brian,
can you read my play?
198
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:56,141
Sorry, there was a fart
trapped in the play.
199
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,100
Hey, Jasper, how are you?
200
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,402
Hey, Brian!
201
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,282
Congratulations
on your new play.
202
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:07,705
Oh, thanks.
203
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,840
What's wrong? You look awful.
What happened?
204
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:11,542
I read the play Stewie wrote.
205
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,094
She writes plays now?
206
00:10:13,163 --> 00:10:15,196
Yes, and it was brilliant.
207
00:10:15,265 --> 00:10:17,309
Jasper,
I've never read anything
like it in my life.
208
00:10:17,333 --> 00:10:20,168
It was insightful
and fresh and intelligent.
209
00:10:20,236 --> 00:10:22,236
It's like his play
is mocking me.
210
00:10:22,305 --> 00:10:24,055
He wrote it in a night.
211
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,502
Ugh, that's how I feelwhenever I see Brad Goreskion Bravo.
212
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:29,127
God, everyone's on Bravo but me.
213
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,173
Anyhoo, have you
told him how good it is?
214
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,363
No. I just read it.
215
00:10:32,431 --> 00:10:34,226
He gave it to me
'cause he wanted my feedback.
216
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:37,318
Okay, listen to me.Tell Stewie it's awful,it's garbage.
217
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:38,730
Do whatever
you have to do, Brian,
218
00:10:38,754 --> 00:10:40,750
but never let him know
he's got talent.
219
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,439
Yeah, you're right.
220
00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:43,641
It won't be so hard.
221
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:45,476
After all,
I've certainly done worse.
222
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:47,589
I replaced Peter's
I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter!
223
00:10:47,613 --> 00:10:48,713
With real butter.
224
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,355
I... I can't...
I can't believe...
225
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:01,592
I don't know, Doctor.
226
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,195
Looking back,
I think it may have been
real butter.
227
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,431
Your husband murdered
three children.
228
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:14,021
Oh, my God. Look at this.
Brian, get in here!
229
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,201
What?
Your play has
been nominated
230
00:11:16,225 --> 00:11:20,011
for a local Hoggy Award
for Best Creative Anything.
231
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,812
Oh, that's great.
232
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:22,981
Um...
233
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,917
I'm gonna...
I'm going to go get some air.
234
00:11:27,737 --> 00:11:30,338
Look at that.
Nominated for an award.
235
00:11:30,406 --> 00:11:31,872
What have you two done today?
236
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,275
I found a lump
under one of my balls.
237
00:11:34,344 --> 00:11:35,576
Okay, that's something.
238
00:11:35,645 --> 00:11:38,646
I ate three quarters
of an Entenmann's strudel.
239
00:11:38,714 --> 00:11:40,114
Youse are good kids.
240
00:11:43,437 --> 00:11:46,371
Hey, so did you get a chance
to read my play?
241
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,541
Uh, I did. I did.
242
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,676
Ooh, I'm so nervous.
What'd you think?
243
00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:53,322
Stewie, you and I
are friends, right?
244
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,658
Yeah, I mean, I know you
through our
mutual friend, Greg,
245
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,215
but sure,
I'd say we're friends now.
246
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:58,883
Exactly. And as your friend,
247
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,463
you'd want me to be
honest with you, right?
248
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:01,786
Totally.
249
00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:02,965
It wasn't good.
250
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:04,722
Oh, no, really?
251
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:06,558
Oh, I worked so hard on it.
252
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:09,344
Oh, I thought it was good. Oh.
253
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:12,597
I know, I wanted it
to be good so much.
254
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,832
Oh, I am so bummed out
right now.
255
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,729
Now I don't even know
if I should submit it.
256
00:12:16,753 --> 00:12:18,136
Submit it?
257
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:19,564
Yeah,
I was planning to submit it
258
00:12:19,588 --> 00:12:21,622
to the Roundabout Theater
Company in New York.
259
00:12:21,691 --> 00:12:24,225
No! I mean... I mean,
that would be a bad idea.
260
00:12:24,294 --> 00:12:25,492
Definitely not.
261
00:12:25,561 --> 00:12:27,506
No, no, they won't
let you down easy like I did.
262
00:12:27,530 --> 00:12:30,515
New York can be pretty harsh,
especially to outsiders.
263
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,450
Hello, New York!
264
00:12:34,403 --> 00:12:36,737
Maybe you're right.
I'll think about it.
265
00:12:36,806 --> 00:12:39,123
Anyway, can I have that back?
It's my only copy.
266
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,042
Your only copy?
Yes.
267
00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:42,621
And thank you
for being a good friend
268
00:12:42,645 --> 00:12:44,045
and telling me the truth, Brian.
269
00:12:44,113 --> 00:12:45,779
I know that was hard for you.
270
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,815
And to show my appreciation
for reading my play,
271
00:12:47,884 --> 00:12:49,217
I made you this.
272
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:53,604
Wow, "Good dog."
And it's official?
273
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,039
That's what it says, doesn't it?
274
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:57,308
I wish my dad
was alive to see this.
275
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,393
Hey.
Who the hell are you?
276
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,328
I'm the guy Stewie pays
to watch him sleep.
277
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:18,696
Who are you?
278
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,031
I'm Brian. I live here.
279
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,332
Oh.
280
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:22,945
Do you mind
if I take this script?
281
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,435
Yeah, sure, whatever.
282
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,904
He just pays me
to watch him sleep
283
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,640
and rub this knife
across my face while I do it.
284
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,043
Okay.
285
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:35,513
Hey, how much
does Stewie pay you?
286
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,115
$4,800 a week.
287
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,883
Holy shit.
Yeah.
288
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:45,150
Hey, Brian.
Oh, hey, Stewie.
289
00:13:45,174 --> 00:13:46,874
Listen, have you seen my play?
290
00:13:46,943 --> 00:13:51,011
You know, Stewie,
I have seen your play,
and it is exhilarating to me.
291
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:55,215
A child's play
is one of the most
beautiful things in the world.
292
00:13:55,284 --> 00:13:58,419
Continue to play, little one.
You're our future.
293
00:13:58,488 --> 00:14:00,433
What the fuck are
you talking about?
294
00:14:00,457 --> 00:14:01,901
The play I wrote.
Have you seen it?
295
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,436
Uh, I don't know.
Let me call my lawyer.
296
00:14:03,460 --> 00:14:05,571
Hello.
I'm being cross-examined.
297
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,628
No, I haven't...
I haven't seen it.
298
00:14:07,697 --> 00:14:09,508
Really? 'Cause I had it
sitting right on my table...
299
00:14:09,532 --> 00:14:10,910
I said I haven't
seen it, all right!
300
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,611
And what does it matter?
It was terrible anyway!
301
00:14:12,635 --> 00:14:15,336
We've had this conversation!
Do yourself a favor
and move on!
302
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,566
Well, that's interesting,
Brian, because I found this
303
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,885
buried in the backyard
next to your soup bone.
304
00:14:21,010 --> 00:14:22,075
Stewie, I...
305
00:14:22,145 --> 00:14:23,923
You tried to
destroy it, didn't you?
306
00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:25,513
I knew my play was good.
307
00:14:25,581 --> 00:14:28,116
Just like I knew your play
was a mediocre patchwork
308
00:14:28,184 --> 00:14:30,351
of hackneyed ideas
and tired cliches.
309
00:14:30,419 --> 00:14:32,264
You have no idea how hard it was
310
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:35,256
to sit in that theater
with all those braying hyenas.
311
00:14:35,324 --> 00:14:36,702
Couldn't you tell
something was up
312
00:14:36,726 --> 00:14:38,938
when Chris and the fat man
could follow the plot?
313
00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:41,712
I mean, it took Peter a year
to figure out Stuart Little.
314
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,999
I just figured it out.
"Stuart" means "mouse."
315
00:14:46,068 --> 00:14:47,401
No, Peter.
316
00:14:48,705 --> 00:14:49,937
"Little" means "mouse"?
317
00:14:50,005 --> 00:14:51,205
No, Peter.
318
00:14:51,273 --> 00:14:53,958
I feel so old and in the way.
319
00:14:54,010 --> 00:14:55,409
It's still a good play!
320
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:58,645
It's filled with
terrible double entendres,
puns and stolen bits.
321
00:14:58,714 --> 00:15:00,292
There's a line in there
from Seinfeld!
322
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:01,900
I never saw that episode!
323
00:15:01,968 --> 00:15:04,135
I have a voice.
Do you understand that?
324
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:07,238
A writer needs a voice,
and I have one.
You don't.
325
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:10,052
Your play panders
to the lowest common
denominator, Brian.
326
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,504
And it doesn't
even do that well.
327
00:15:11,528 --> 00:15:12,843
Shut up!
328
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,780
May every person that laughs
at your sophomoric effort
329
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:18,449
be a reminder of
your eternal mediocrity
330
00:15:18,517 --> 00:15:21,035
and pierce your heart
like a knife.
331
00:15:30,129 --> 00:15:31,479
Come here, you bastard!
332
00:15:34,217 --> 00:15:36,984
You stink!
And your play stinks!
333
00:15:37,053 --> 00:15:38,385
This ain't about me, is it?
334
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,792
No.
335
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:46,293
And I'm sorry,
336
00:15:47,396 --> 00:15:49,263
but nobody can ever know that.
337
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,699
Donna? It's Grant,
your new husband!
338
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:57,822
Hi, honey.
339
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,068
I've got great news.
340
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:00,190
What is it?
341
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:02,370
First, where do we keep
the good scotch?
342
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:03,828
At your brother's house.
343
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:08,633
Lois,
can I have my birthday here?
344
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:09,967
Seems to be going well.
345
00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:11,068
What do you want?
346
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,215
Wanted to share
a bit of good news.
347
00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:16,607
I just found out that my play
is going to be produced
on Broadway.
348
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,875
What?
349
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:20,928
And I'm taking Randall
Evan Battincourt with me.
350
00:16:20,996 --> 00:16:22,663
Hi, Stewie.
I'll be right there.
351
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,332
I just got to finish this crap.
352
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,200
Hey, I need you to
take me to New York
353
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:33,585
for the opening night
of my play.
354
00:16:33,609 --> 00:16:35,109
No way.
355
00:16:35,178 --> 00:16:36,922
Besides, I checked,
and there's no play
by Stewie Griffin
356
00:16:36,946 --> 00:16:37,978
opening in New York.
357
00:16:38,047 --> 00:16:39,791
I submitted it
under a pseudonym.
358
00:16:39,815 --> 00:16:41,893
They think it was
written by Tony Dovolani.
359
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,685
I thought your pseudonym was
Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower.
360
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:46,465
That's my dodge ball pseudonym.
361
00:16:46,489 --> 00:16:47,922
Look, if you won't take me,
362
00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:50,201
I'm sure
the New York Theater League
would send a car.
363
00:16:50,225 --> 00:16:51,776
New York Theater League? Why?
364
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,244
Because they're throwing
a welcome dinner in my honor.
365
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:55,379
Really?
366
00:16:55,447 --> 00:16:57,447
Well, I guess I could
clear my schedule.
367
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:58,961
Oh, you won't regret it, Brian.
368
00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:01,485
All the most important
Broadway people will be there.
369
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:04,505
Playwrights, money men,
even Stanley Kowalski.
370
00:17:04,574 --> 00:17:05,773
Hi. I'm Michael.
371
00:17:05,842 --> 00:17:08,075
Michael!
372
00:17:08,144 --> 00:17:10,478
Michael!
373
00:17:10,547 --> 00:17:12,547
Um, and this is my wife, Nancy.
374
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:14,582
Nancy!
375
00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:17,552
Nancy!
376
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,588
And this is our Uzbekistani
friend, Bokyavroychesku.
377
00:17:20,657 --> 00:17:21,737
Hi.
378
00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:31,577
Stewie, don't you think
you're overdoing it
with that outfit?
379
00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:34,835
I don't wear anything
I can't take off
with a flourish.
380
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,708
Wow, this is amazing.
Every major playwright
is here.
381
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:43,127
Yes, and it seems to be
quite a successful party.
382
00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:45,223
Several of them
have already
committed suicide.
383
00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:46,413
Great party.
384
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:47,482
Totally!
385
00:17:48,884 --> 00:17:50,384
Hey, Tony.
386
00:17:50,453 --> 00:17:51,918
Oh, my God, that's David Mamet.
387
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:53,432
There's the man of the evening.
388
00:17:53,456 --> 00:17:55,400
I read your play,
An American Marriage.
389
00:17:55,424 --> 00:17:57,991
It was incredibly raw.
I was pretty damn impressed.
390
00:17:58,060 --> 00:17:59,360
Oh, thank you, David.
391
00:17:59,428 --> 00:18:01,529
David, this is Brian.
Brian, David.
392
00:18:01,598 --> 00:18:02,797
Oh, it's an honor.
393
00:18:02,866 --> 00:18:04,298
Listen, I just want to say
394
00:18:04,367 --> 00:18:06,178
what an inspiration
Glengarry Glen Ross was to me
395
00:18:06,202 --> 00:18:07,312
when I was writing my own play.
396
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:08,336
Easy.
397
00:18:08,404 --> 00:18:09,870
Is that Tony Dovolani?
398
00:18:09,939 --> 00:18:11,539
Hello. Alan Bennett.
399
00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:13,106
Fantastic play.
400
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:14,842
And I'm Yasmina Reza.
401
00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:16,477
Oh, are you his night nurse?
402
00:18:16,546 --> 00:18:17,845
No, I'm a playwright.
403
00:18:17,913 --> 00:18:19,991
I wrote Art and God of Carnage.
404
00:18:20,015 --> 00:18:21,649
I won a Pulitzer.
405
00:18:21,718 --> 00:18:23,651
You want to say your
grade point average, too?
406
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,230
Boy, it's just so weird
to be in a room
407
00:18:25,254 --> 00:18:28,021
where every single person
in the room is a playwright.
408
00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:29,557
Every single one of us.
409
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:30,725
Everyone.
410
00:18:30,793 --> 00:18:33,260
Including me.
I'm a playwright.
411
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,173
Brian, my God,
take it down a notch.
412
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,075
You're a playwright?
In New York?
413
00:18:37,099 --> 00:18:38,331
Well, Quahog, Rhode Island.
414
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,934
You're kidding.
415
00:18:40,002 --> 00:18:42,820
We just went and saw a play
in Quahog, Rhode Island.
Really?
416
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:45,422
Have you ever heard
of A Passing Fancy?
417
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:46,507
I have!
418
00:18:46,576 --> 00:18:49,610
Oh, my God,
what a load of rubbish.
419
00:18:49,679 --> 00:18:52,913
We have this thing where we go
to the worst regional theater
we can find
420
00:18:52,982 --> 00:18:54,648
and laugh ourselves sick.
421
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:57,168
And this one took
the grand prize.
422
00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:00,671
Really?
423
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:02,840
I had heard only good things.
424
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:06,177
It was goddam
fucking piece of shit
on a dick!
425
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:11,198
Oh, my God.
I got to hear David Mamet
curse in person.
426
00:19:22,011 --> 00:19:23,310
Oh, there you are.
427
00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:26,213
That was the worst night
of my life.
428
00:19:26,282 --> 00:19:28,522
It's not like you were
the only fat guy in there.
429
00:19:28,551 --> 00:19:31,669
What?
Oh, this is about
the play. Sorry.
430
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:35,239
I was so happy
until I read your play,
Stewie.
431
00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:37,942
I finally had some kind
of success as a writer.
432
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,277
It wasn't big, but it was mine.
433
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,613
I was fine being an okay writer,
434
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,550
until I discovered I was
living in a house
with a brilliant one.
435
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,585
I know we don't talk
about doggy years a lot,
436
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:50,054
but I just wish
you could have waited
437
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,758
to find out
how talented you were
until I was gone.
438
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,826
By the time I'm dead,
you won't even be 10.
439
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:58,395
You'll have 70 more years
to be great.
440
00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:01,965
I just wish I could have
had five to be good.
441
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,900
There's your voice, Brian.
442
00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:08,272
It's a depressing voice,
but it's yours.
Write from that.
443
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,452
Listen,
me and the other playwrights
are going out to have drinks
444
00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:14,378
with Woody Allen
and his daughter-wife.
You want to come?
445
00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:17,397
All right. We can just
sit here for a while.
446
00:20:19,902 --> 00:20:22,636
They talked a lot more crap
about you after you left.
447
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:32,396
Oh, God,
that was just terrible.
Terrible.
448
00:20:33,499 --> 00:20:34,632
Wow, I don't understand.
449
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,701
Stewie, what happened
to the play you wrote?
450
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:37,818
That was terrible.
451
00:20:37,887 --> 00:20:39,331
Well, I gave it a final polish.
452
00:20:39,355 --> 00:20:42,489
Changed a few things.
Guess I kind of
mucked the whole thing up.
453
00:20:42,558 --> 00:20:43,858
But how? You...
454
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:45,743
Wait.
455
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,861
Did you do that for me?
456
00:20:47,930 --> 00:20:49,641
What are you talking about?
I'm a young writer.
457
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:51,810
I just wasn't as ready
as I thought I was.
458
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,218
Maybe in a couple
of years, who knows?
459
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:56,486
Stewie,
you shouldn't have done that.
460
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:58,906
But thanks.
461
00:20:58,974 --> 00:21:00,608
No problem, Brian.
462
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:02,287
Hey, what do you say
we head back home?
463
00:21:02,311 --> 00:21:03,844
That sounds good.
464
00:21:03,913 --> 00:21:06,124
You know, I'm going to move
to New York City
when I'm older,
465
00:21:06,148 --> 00:21:09,249
'cause it's twinkly and big
and this is where
dreams come true,
466
00:21:09,318 --> 00:21:11,769
and that giant bird's
coming for us, isn't he?
35112
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
