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{\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪
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00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,307
{\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
3
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,436
{\an8}♪ But this is one thing
I'm sure of ♪
4
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:23,064
{\an8}♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
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00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:25,817
{\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
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00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:35,994
{\an8}All right.
7
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,997
{\an8}We have come to the final unit
here in health class--
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00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,749
{\an8}sexual education.
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00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,667
{\an8}Now, this is
mature subject matter,
10
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:45,503
{\an8}and I expect you all
to handle it with maturity
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00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:47,130
{\an8}like the young adults
you are becoming.
12
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,882
{\an8}I'm scared, Teddy.
13
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{\an8}What if he shows us a diagram
of a vagina and I get a boner?
14
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,720
{\an8}Hey, you're getting a boner
before this class ends, buddy.
15
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,555
{\an8}The sooner you wrap your head
around that, the better.
16
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:59,184
{\an8}Sexual intercourse is
a physical expression
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00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,687
{\an8}of love and affection
that is perfectly natural
18
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:03,980
{\an8}and often deadly.
19
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,608
{\an8}Sexually transmitted
diseases include
20
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,486
{\an8}gonorrhea, HIV,
herpes, chlamydia,
21
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,113
{\an8}HPV, hepatitis A through C--
22
00:01:12,113 --> 00:01:15,408
{\an8}♪ JFK, blown away,
what else do I have to say? ♪
23
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,743
{\an8}♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
24
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{\an8}Ted, knock it off!
25
00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:20,080
{\an8}See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
26
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{\an8}To avoid
sexually transmitted disease,
27
00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:25,418
{\an8}it is important
to practice safe sex.
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{\an8}Now, who can tell me
what the safest sex of all is?
29
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{\an8}No one?
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{\an8}Masturbation.
31
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{\an8}Hey, if you're gonna
assign homework,
32
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,430
{\an8}Johnny already did it
this morning.
33
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{\an8}Hey, shut the fuck up, dude!
34
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,392
{\an8}- He's doing extra credit.
- Be quiet!
35
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:41,893
{\an8}- Stop it!
- Oh!
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00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:43,728
{\an8}You keep that up, you're
headed for detention, mister.
37
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{\an8}Now, why is it important
to practice safe sex?
38
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{\an8}Well, it all begins
with biology.
39
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,862
{\an8}- Aw, here we go.
- Let's start
40
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{\an8}with the female
reproductive system.
41
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{\an8}Oh, no.
42
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,286
{\an8}Holy shit.
That's fast, even for you.
43
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:04,416
{\an8}Well, I'm glad
that's over, huh?
44
00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:06,960
{\an8}I know, that was like
sex ed for babies.
45
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,044
{\an8}What?
46
00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,337
{\an8}I mean, you're
really gonna talk
47
00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,548
{\an8}about masturbation
and leave out edging?
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{\an8}Seriously.
He didn't even talk about
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00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:16,469
{\an8}how massaging the prostate
increases orgasm intensity.
50
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,054
{\an8}Did you see how
when I brought up rimming,
51
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,723
{\an8}he flipped to the glossary?
52
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:21,391
{\an8}- Wait, you t--
53
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,143
{\an8}you two have had sex?
54
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,310
{\an8} No.
55
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{\an8}I'm felching my own jizz.
56
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{\an8}Pfft! Duh, we're 16.
57
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{\an8}When? With who?
58
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:30,525
{\an8}A few weeks ago,
with each other.
59
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,193
{\an8}We didn't want to be
the last ones in school
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00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:33,278
{\an8}to lose our virginity.
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00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,320
{\an8}Oh, yeah.
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00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,822
{\an8}No. Right, of course.
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00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,490
{\an8}How--how lame would
that be, right?
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00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,659
{\an8}Wow, I didn't even know
you two guys were dating.
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00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,119
{\an8}Andrew, I thought you were gay.
66
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,579
I don't know.
Might be.
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00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:44,497
I just know I'm not
a fucking loser.
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00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:46,708
You're so confident.
I love it.
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00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,293
Let's go
to the computer room.
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00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,920
We can do it
on the Oregon Trail.
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00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,673
Holy shit, Teddy,
do you know what this means?
72
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,550
I'm the last virgin in school.
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00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:56,760
What about Ben Carness?
74
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,136
No, he slept
with his math teacher.
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That's why she got fired.
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00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:01,389
I thought she got fired
for giving him angel dust.
77
00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:03,058
Yeah, Teddy,
I think that was the trade.
78
00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:04,100
Oh.
Oh, wow--
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00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,393
oh, yeah,
well, then that's a mess.
80
00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:07,354
Anyway, dude,
this is serious.
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00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,938
I need to hurry up
and have sex with somebody
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00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:10,815
before people find out
and I'm humiliated.
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00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:12,776
You're right.
We gotta find a buyer.
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00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:14,027
Fresh penis!
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00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,153
Get your fresh penis here!
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00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,529
Ted, Jesus Christ!
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00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,531
This penis used to belong
to a little old lady
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00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,075
who only fucked it on Sundays!
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00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,493
Still has that new penis smell!
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00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,619
Will you shut up?
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00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,162
All right,
I'm just trying to help.
92
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,003
Okay, what about Talia?
93
00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:34,381
Talia Winthrop is not
having sex with you.
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00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,548
Hey, you don't know that.
95
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,258
You ever seen the guys
she dates, Johnny?
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00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,510
They're brooding degenerates.
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00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,053
They paint their nails.
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00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,097
Is that what you want to do?
You want to paint your nails?
99
00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,390
I could paint my nails.
100
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,891
Oh, ok--oh, you want
to be nail-painting guy?
101
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,102
Okay, get ready
to never be funny.
102
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,311
No more jokes.
103
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,688
You never get
to make a joke again.
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00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:50,605
Why not?
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00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,357
Nail-paint guy
is very serious.
106
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,733
If you're on a cruise
and you spot
107
00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:55,568
the captain bringing
a lady passenger
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00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:57,195
back to his cabin,
what do you say?
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00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,530
Well, you say,
"Thar she blows."
110
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,240
No, you don't.
You say, "Good for them."
111
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,076
You say, "Everyone deserves
love in this fucked-up world,"
112
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,327
'cause you got painted nails.
113
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,954
Wait, can I--can I say,
"Shiver me timbers"?
114
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,330
No, you cannot.
No jokes.
115
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,456
Only finger colors.
116
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,584
Oh, hey, Blaire.
Hey, you think
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00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,253
one of your college friends
would be willing
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00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,838
to have sex with John?
119
00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:16,214
Yeah, every lit major wants
120
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:18,299
to have sex with a teenager
on his Star Wars sheets.
121
00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:20,719
Oh, and a bad relationship
with her father is a plus.
122
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:21,886
You got any friends like that?
123
00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:23,763
Okay, why are you
asking me this?
124
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,849
'Cause I'm the last virgin
in my class.
125
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,100
Come on,
your friends are always
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00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,226
trying to do good in the world.
127
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,561
How about one of 'em
takes a break
128
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,438
from feeding the hungry
to fuck the desperate?
129
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,440
Yeah, no.
I'm not helping you.
130
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,442
God, I'm pathetic.
131
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,485
Ah, come on.
There's a lot of cool virgins.
132
00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:39,779
The Flying Nun,
133
00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,407
Richie Rich,
134
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,075
the Lincoln Memorial...
135
00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:47,537
That yearbook.
136
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,330
I've never had sex,
137
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:50,749
never had a girlfriend.
138
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,667
Fuck, I've never even
kissed anybody.
139
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,336
You kissed Michael Dukakis
140
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:55,628
at that parade
when you were nine.
141
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,255
Yeah, that doesn't count.
He kissed me.
142
00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,050
It was passionate enough
that they ran it in the paper.
143
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,426
Look, don't worry, Johnny.
144
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,053
There's a lot of alleys
in Boston.
145
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,763
One of them's gotta
have a glory hole.
146
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:07,515
And if it doesn't,
we're going to Worcester.
147
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,520
Look at all these
welfare queens.
148
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,564
See, tha-that's the problem
with this country.
149
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,316
Everybody expects
everything handed to them
150
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,318
on a silver platter.
151
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,527
Hey, guys.
152
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:22,030
Um, can I talk to you
about something?
153
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,323
You want a tuna sandwich?
154
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,824
No, I'm--I'm okay.
155
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,451
Um...
156
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:27,911
it's about John.
157
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:32,999
Uh, I think he might be
on the verge of--
158
00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,252
Well, I--I think
he's interested
159
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:38,630
in becoming sexually active.
160
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,341
What do you mean?
161
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:45,178
Well, I don't really know
how I can be clearer than that.
162
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:48,848
Um, have you guys ever talked
to John a-about sex?
163
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,142
Course not.
He's only 16.
164
00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,311
Talking about sex is rude.
165
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,689
So you're gonna rely
on a gym teacher
166
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,565
and a horny teddy bear?
167
00:05:57,565 --> 00:05:58,608
I mean, how do you
expect him to learn
168
00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,151
what he needs to know?
169
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,529
When you get drafted,
they show you a film.
170
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,449
Look, I get it can be
an awkward conversation,
171
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:07,617
but it's really important.
172
00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:08,702
Tony Randall was in it.
173
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,787
You're
absolutely right, Blaire.
174
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,706
You know what I'm gonna do?
175
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,583
I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth
from "The Globe,"
176
00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,669
and I'll slide it
under his door.
177
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,421
Guys, there's
nothing shameful
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00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:20,839
about human sexuality.
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00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,048
You've never been
in a strip club
180
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,175
when the lights come on.
181
00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,720
And neither have I.
182
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,513
Matty, this isn't
a joke, okay?
183
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:29,889
He needs to know this stuff.
184
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,642
Look, I-I'll talk to him
when the time is right.
185
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:33,810
And I'm telling you,
186
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,146
as somebody who knows him
really well,
187
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,647
it's the right time.
188
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,149
Okay, I think
you're trying to avoid
189
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:40,400
an uncomfortable conversation,
190
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,235
and honestly,
that's selfish of you.
191
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,320
All I'm trying to do
is eat my lunch here.
192
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,780
Jesus.
193
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,365
Your period coming in
or something?
194
00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:50,201
I--what?
195
00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,037
- Forget it.
- Coming in?
196
00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:53,747
Like it's my fucking
adult teeth?
197
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,540
- Forget I brought it up.
- Fuck, it sounds like
198
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,250
you need the talk, not him.
199
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,627
Do you have any idea
how a period actually works?
200
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:01,046
I know enough.
201
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,422
No one's ever explained it
to you, have they?
202
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,840
I tried once,
203
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,301
but Matty said it was
too close to the holidays.
204
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,011
Oh, my God.
Aunt Suze,
205
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:09,888
think about your son,
all right?
206
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,264
Don't you want John to grow up
207
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,266
to be a sexually healthy adult?
208
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,477
Blaire, language.
209
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,354
My parents never talked
to me about sex.
210
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:20,148
I figured it all out on my own,
and I'm doing just fine.
211
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,527
We'll talk to John.
212
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,161
Come in.
213
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,288
John?
214
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,623
Yeah?
215
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,832
Are you alone?
216
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,250
Yeah.
Yeah, Teddy went
217
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:40,543
to the store to get Doritos.
218
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,921
Oh, we have Doritos
here at the house, honey.
219
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:45,131
- We do?
- Oh, yeah, always.
220
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,883
Oh, that's right.
We're trash.
221
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,635
John, your father and I,
222
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:52,597
we want to talk to you
about something.
223
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:55,183
It's a private thing.
224
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,184
What is it?
225
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,190
John,
226
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:08,530
sometimes when two grown-ups
are married,
227
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:11,157
and they're in a bed,
228
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,535
and it's nighttime,
229
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:17,706
they get this funny feeling
in their bathing suit areas.
230
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,499
Jesus Christ, Susan!
231
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,583
It's like this, John.
232
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,127
Men and women have
different parts,
233
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:24,587
and those parts fit together
like a piston and a cylinder.
234
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,214
Just give the motor
a minute to warm up.
235
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:28,008
If you gun it,
you're gonna blow a gasket,
236
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,218
seize up, and you're
looking at minimum a grand
237
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,261
for a new engine block.
238
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,179
That's sex.
239
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,597
Fuck me.
240
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,687
John.
241
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:50,697
Someday, when you're older,
242
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:54,034
you're gonna have
your first time,
243
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,703
and it should
be special, honey.
244
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,912
Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom.
245
00:08:57,912 --> 00:09:00,457
I want it to be better
than my first time.
246
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:01,416
God, no, please don't--
247
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:04,044
It was 1974.
248
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,130
And your father and I were
staying at a Howard Johnson's
249
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:11,509
off the turnpike,
and things were moving quickly,
250
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:15,388
when suddenly there was
a news bulletin on the TV.
251
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,183
Nixon had resigned.
252
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:21,811
Oh, your father,
he was so distracted
253
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:23,772
and just so agitated and--
254
00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,482
Mom, really,
you don't have to do this.
255
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,151
I tried to get him back
into bed, but he wouldn't.
256
00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:30,403
He was too upset.
He just kept yelling,
257
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:33,406
"The hippies have won!
The hippies have won!
258
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,076
They've won!
They've won!"
259
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:40,121
I hope this helped.
260
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,967
Ugh.
261
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,928
This fucking resin's
giving me a headache.
262
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,638
Can't you call your guy?
263
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,390
Ah, my guy won't
sell to me on Shabbat.
264
00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,391
Ah, shit.
265
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,478
Teddy, what if
I'm a virgin forever?
266
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,521
I mean, what do I do?
267
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,064
Look,
268
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,816
I know the glory hole thing
didn't work out,
269
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,734
but at least we got
to see the city.
270
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,194
We met that
friendly homeless guy
271
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:13,154
who taught us a lesson
and then died.
272
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:15,573
Yeah, but I mean, like,
what if this is my future?
273
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,033
Well, if it is,
you just gotta learn
274
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,952
to live with the embarrassment.
275
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,954
Yeah, I mean,
it could be worse.
276
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,997
I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat
on his own balls
277
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:24,457
and had to go to the hospital.
278
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,167
- What?
- Yeah.
279
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,961
Yeah.
I mean, that's humiliation.
280
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,755
Like--like, Mr. Belvedere
from the TV show?
281
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:31,881
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
282
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,008
He was riding in a convertible
283
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,217
during the Hollywood
Christmas parade,
284
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,428
fell backwards,
crushed his own balls.
285
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,013
Jesus.
286
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,933
Would you rather have that
happen to you at a parade
287
00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:45,186
or what happened to JFK
happen to you at a parade?
288
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,646
Oh, God,
I honestly don't know.
289
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,981
Yeah, that's
a tough one, right?
290
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,232
That's a really tough one.
That's, like, one of
291
00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:50,316
the hardest would-you-rathers
I've ever heard.
292
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,484
I know.
That's, like, a brainteaser.
293
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,652
God, I'm too high
to think about that.
294
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,154
Yeah, it's a tough one.
295
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,409
Okay, all right, fuck this.
296
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,994
We gotta get some real weed.
297
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,996
Hey, what about
Sheila Borgwardt?
298
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,247
What, like,
smoking-hot Sheila?
299
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,291
Yeah, remember,
she hooked us up before.
300
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,710
She sent us to that dealer
who turned out to be Blaire.
301
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,045
Oh, yeah, that wasn't good.
302
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,422
Well, it's just like
Homeless Joe said.
303
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:13,506
Be careful what you wish...
304
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,841
Agh, my heart.
305
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,885
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he died.
306
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,649
Oh. Hey.
307
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,692
Hey.
308
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:33,860
Ted, right?
309
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:34,903
Yeah, that's right.
310
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,863
Uh, hey, is your sister here?
311
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,823
Uh, yeah.
312
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:41,326
Sheila, you got company!
313
00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:42,494
See you later.
314
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,541
John?
315
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,001
Oh. Hi, Bethany.
316
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,753
Hi. How's it going?
317
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:52,962
Uh, it's going good.
318
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,673
My, uh--
my teddy bear's upstairs
319
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:55,674
buying drugs from your sister.
320
00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,217
Ah, nice.
321
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,681
Wh--sex ed class was weird
the other day.
322
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,057
Oh, yeah, it was super weird.
323
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,642
Yeah, I still can't
get the image
324
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,853
of Mr. Maynard putting a condom
on a banana out of my head.
325
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,355
Oh, yeah, I know, right?
Like--
326
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,357
like, can you imagine,
like, being a banana,
327
00:12:12,357 --> 00:12:15,026
and--and, like, you get picked,
and then you get put on a boat,
328
00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,277
and then you get put
into the market,
329
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,363
and--and you're thinking
the whole time, like,
330
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:21,408
oh, I hope I get to be made
into, like, a cream pie
331
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:24,994
or, like,
used as a phone for humor.
332
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,413
And then you're just
sitting in our class,
333
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,289
pretending to be a dick.
334
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:30,792
Well, I-I gotta go.
335
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:31,918
Oh, okay, yeah, for sure.
336
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,003
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good to see you.
337
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,088
See you later.
338
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,506
You promise this is just
for you, right?
339
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,591
'Cause I don't want
to get busted for enabling.
340
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,386
Nope, just me and the rest of
the guys in the doo-wop group.
341
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,930
Those guys need a buzz
to feel the music, you know.
342
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,265
Me, I'm good when I'm straight.
343
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,808
That's why I'm always
the one talking
344
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,101
to management about payment.
345
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,394
You know, anything
logistic like that,
346
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:50,687
it always falls on my--
- Yeah, yeah.
347
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:51,813
You looking
for something mellow
348
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:52,939
or something more potent?
349
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:53,982
Well, my last guy gave me
350
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,066
something that was pretty good.
351
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,526
It was called
Confident Gorilla.
352
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,278
You got any of that?
- I don't think so,
353
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,740
but I just got this new batch
called Heartbeat Fingers.
354
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,409
Ah, yeah, no, that--no,
tha-that doesn't sound so good.
355
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,410
Uh, uh, what else?
356
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,536
Uh, let me look.
357
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,622
So, Sheila,
358
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,042
no offense, but you ever think
about doing something
359
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,544
about that god-awful name?
360
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,507
Got it.
361
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:20,592
Oh, hell yeah.
362
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:21,968
Yeah, by the way, just FYI,
363
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,970
Sheila is
her dead mother's name,
364
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,972
so we're not allowed
to shop here anymore.
365
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,891
Oh, man, Kafka Trip?
366
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,142
Isn't this the stuff
that made me think
367
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,894
the Land O'Lakes lady
was mad at me?
368
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:32,479
Well, she only had
a few other batches.
369
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:36,232
Uh, Heartbeat Fingers,
Bathroom Mirror Reckoning,
370
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:39,152
What Was That,
and Why Won't The Pee Start.
371
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,653
- Yikes.
- All right, go on.
372
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,780
Put it in your bag.
373
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,156
Hey!
374
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,200
Hey, we need that pot,
you motherfucker!
375
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:50,955
Get off me!
376
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,878
Jesus, nice save!
377
00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,421
Man, fuck that guy.
378
00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:00,215
We should call
the fucking cops.
379
00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:03,301
Yeah, maybe--maybe
under the circumstances, no.
380
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:05,178
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
381
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,639
Oh, hey, Bethany.
382
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,265
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
383
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:12,018
I can't believe you did that.
That was so cool!
384
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,812
No, I was just reacting
in the moment.
385
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,896
It's not that big a deal.
386
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:17,023
No, that took guts.
387
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,693
You're, like, kind of awesome.
388
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,653
Well, you know, when you're
addicted to a substance,
389
00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:23,613
you can do anything
you put your mind to.
390
00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:27,534
I have swim practice
tomorrow afternoon,
391
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:33,164
but after that, would you
maybe want to hang out?
392
00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:36,876
Maybe see a movie
or get food or whatever?
393
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,796
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
394
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:40,964
Want to pick me up at 7:00?
395
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,590
Definitely.
396
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,801
Cool.
397
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,052
See ya.
398
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,557
Holy shit, I got a date.
399
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,558
A date?
400
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,059
Johnny, look
at the big picture.
401
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,894
This is your chance
to have sex.
402
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:55,937
What, you think so?
403
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,230
She called you "cool."
404
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,857
Chicks have sex with cool guys.
405
00:14:58,857 --> 00:15:00,233
Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
406
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,901
Fuck "maybe."
Trust me on this.
407
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,696
We are gonna make sure you
don't blow this opportunity.
408
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,197
And I will guide you.
409
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,867
I will be...
410
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:10,744
Your Master Yoda.
411
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:11,995
I mean, I guess I could try.
412
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,247
Screw or screw not.
There is no try.
413
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,915
Now, let's get you
some exercise.
414
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,709
Run, Johnny, run! Run!
415
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:20,670
"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows
from the Force,
416
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,088
but beware the dark side."
417
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,382
I mean, unless
she says it's okay.
418
00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:35,143
Are we sure about this?
419
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:36,353
Look, you gotta have condoms
420
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,812
locked and loaded on your date.
421
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:39,356
When you get--well, you know,
422
00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,816
maybe not loaded, obviously,
but you gotta be ready.
423
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,985
There's a lot of options.
I don't know what to pick.
424
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:46,696
Well, which one
speaks to you?
425
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,198
Maybe these?
426
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:49,657
"Ribbed for her pleasure"?
427
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,785
Good choice.
And you want to know a trick?
428
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,788
You turn it inside out
and steal the pleasure.
429
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,039
You can do that?
430
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:57,123
Oh, yeah, she'll be like,
431
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:58,416
where's the pleasure?
432
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,543
And you'll be like,
uh, uh, uh, I don't know.
433
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,545
Uh, I didn't know
there was any pleasure.
434
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,881
Can I help you young men
pick out a condom?
435
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,466
Uh, no.
436
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,385
Act-actually, we were--
we were just leaving.
437
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:09,761
Oh, please don't go.
438
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,554
One of the joys
of my job is pairing
439
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:13,306
the right young man
with the right condom.
440
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,392
Oh, that's... normal.
441
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,560
Well, I don't really know
what I want.
442
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,187
Well, tell me about the girl.
443
00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:21,898
Um, she's got
medium brown hair,
444
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,108
average height.
445
00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:24,776
I-I think she might be
on the swim team.
446
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,695
I see. Jewish?
447
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,113
I don't think so.
448
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,115
Well, that rules these out.
449
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,533
What about community activism?
450
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:32,867
Does she do any charity work?
451
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,120
I--I honestly don't know.
452
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,289
Why don't you try a Ramses?
453
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:41,334
Sturdy, solid,
made for all kinds of weather,
454
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,628
can withstand
over 300 pounds of torque.
455
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:46,047
Oh, Johnny, how many pounds
of torque were you gonna do?
456
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:47,841
Uh, thank you.
457
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,175
I just want to say,
I've been watching
458
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,427
you shop here for years.
459
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,429
I've been waiting for this day.
460
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:55,890
Frankly, I thought it would
come a little sooner, but...
461
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,434
Congratulations.
462
00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,185
I need an adult!
I need an adult!
463
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,478
It's okay.
It's all right, Johnny.
464
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:01,688
It's all right.
Look, uh, here you go, buddy.
465
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:02,689
Keep the extra.
466
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:03,982
Hey! You!
467
00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,316
Get away from that kid!
468
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,570
Now, how can I help you?
469
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,952
Okay, now, I'm gonna
time you on this.
470
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:17,203
This feels weird.
471
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:18,997
Look, you have trouble
taking off her bra,
472
00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:20,123
she's gonna know
you're a virgin.
473
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:21,249
Shit, really?
474
00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:22,208
Trust me, all right?
475
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,710
Now take it off.
476
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,795
Okay.
477
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,047
What are you doing?
478
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,131
Well, I'm not gonna
make it easy for you.
479
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,132
You gotta work for it.
480
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:30,508
Jesus.
481
00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,304
Jesus Christ, Teddy,
just let me do the clasp.
482
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:35,680
Oh, no, you gotta earn it.
483
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,016
All right, now let's pretend
you're a randy executive
484
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,684
and I'm your secretary.
Go.
485
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,145
Mr. Bennett,
Mr. Bennett, control yourself!
486
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,814
For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett,
you're a married man!
487
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,107
Teddy, come on!
488
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,484
Who's Teddy?
I'm Debra.
489
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,361
I just moved to the big city
490
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:50,945
with nothing but a suitcase
full of dreams
491
00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:53,073
and an associate's degree
from Katharine Gibbs.
492
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,908
Uh, hi.
493
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,618
What the hell are you doing
in my bra?
494
00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:59,120
The question is, what
am I still doing in your bra.
495
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,830
Johnny?
496
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,624
I've got a date
with Bethany Borgwardt,
497
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,167
and I'm--
498
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,002
I'm practicing
in case we have sex.
499
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:08,505
Practicing what?
500
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,382
I want her to think
I'm experienced,
501
00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:12,258
you know,
like I've done it a lot.
502
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,635
Okay.
503
00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:16,680
Well, I do have some thoughts
on the topic.
504
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,683
Uh, one, whoever this girl is,
505
00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:20,975
she's not gonna want
to have sex with you
506
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:22,644
if she thinks that's
all you're interested in.
507
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:25,980
And two, she's definitely not
gonna be into it if she thinks
508
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,565
you've been sleeping around
with other girls.
509
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,359
Wait, so I can't want
to have sex with her?
510
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:30,694
No, you just--
511
00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:32,737
eh, you can't want it
too much, you know?
512
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,240
Okay, well, what's
the right amount to want it?
513
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,741
Just be yourself.
514
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:37,659
Okay?
515
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:38,993
The rest will happen naturally.
516
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:41,371
Yeah, if I may count it,
John has been himself
517
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:44,833
for 16 years and raked in
exactly zero vagina.
518
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,876
Am I getting that number
right, John, zero?
519
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,545
Yeah, yeah, zero.
520
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,505
I think--
521
00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:52,007
I think I'm gonna
do it Ted's way.
522
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:54,759
That is a very
self-destructive sentence.
523
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:57,053
Blaire, please, you're
disrupting a teachable moment.
524
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,221
Fuck it.
525
00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,222
Whatever, I tried.
526
00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:00,724
Just give me my bra back.
527
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,854
Now you know!
528
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691
Teddy, we're missing
something here.
529
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:10,817
What?
530
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,402
How am I even supposed
to get to the sex
531
00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:14,029
if she doesn't have
a good time?
532
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:16,114
I mean, I haven't even
planned the fucking date.
533
00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:17,699
Johnny, you are gonna
take her
534
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,576
on the best date of her life.
535
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,744
What do you mean? How?
536
00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:22,454
Your teddy bear's
got you covered.
537
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,419
Hey, Bethany.
538
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,212
This is for you.
539
00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:32,714
Ted?
540
00:19:32,714 --> 00:19:33,590
What's this?
541
00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,592
Your attire for the evening.
542
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:38,219
Wh--I-I'm wearing
my outfit for the evening.
543
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,220
Where's John?
544
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,347
He awaits you
545
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,557
on your flying carpet.
546
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,661
Oh, John, I-I can't believe
you did this.
547
00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:06,081
Yeah, well,
it's our first date.
548
00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:08,500
I wanted to make it special.
549
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:11,878
I have sort of
a confession to make.
550
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,380
What is it?
551
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,090
I still haven't seen
"Aladdin."
552
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,467
Aw, man.
Are you serious?
553
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,219
I thought, like,
every girl loved that movie.
554
00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:20,679
My friends love it.
555
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:22,931
I have kind of weird taste
in movies.
556
00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,349
Like what?
557
00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,433
It's kind of embarrassing.
558
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,976
No, you gotta tell me now.
559
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:30,772
Well, there's
this really good bad movie
560
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:33,149
from the early '80s
called "Flash Gordon."
561
00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,402
No fuckin' way!
562
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:36,528
You've seen "Flash Gordon"?
563
00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:37,946
Oh, only, like,
a thousand times!
564
00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:39,447
Of course.
It's my favorite fucking movie.
565
00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:40,657
- You're just saying that.
- No, no, no.
566
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:43,034
"Who are you?
Flash Gordon.
567
00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,452
Quarterback, New York Jets."
568
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,038
I love that!
And when Princess Aura's like,
569
00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:49,290
"Father! Damn you, Father!"
570
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,543
Oh, man, is that a
four-pack-a-day voice or what?
571
00:20:51,543 --> 00:20:53,420
Dude, those lungs
are working overtime.
572
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,879
Oh, and when
Prince Vultan is like,
573
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,340
"That must be one hell
of a planet you men come from."
574
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,341
And Flash says...
575
00:20:58,341 --> 00:20:59,884
"Not too bad."
576
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:00,927
Oh, my God.
577
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,637
Holy shit.
578
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,348
I have never met a girl
who liked that movie.
579
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,809
Well, now you have.
580
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,231
Oh, shit!
581
00:21:14,315 --> 00:21:15,358
Ah!
582
00:21:20,238 --> 00:21:21,364
Oh, my God!
583
00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:23,241
Jesus Christ,
are you guys okay?
584
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:24,701
I think so.
585
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,161
Johnny, Johnny,
you all right?
586
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:27,287
Talk to me!
587
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,914
Teddy?
588
00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,041
Did I sex?
589
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,500
You sure did, buddy.
590
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,879
You sexed real good.
591
00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,555
You know, you're lucky
you weren't more hurt.
592
00:21:45,555 --> 00:21:46,890
How are you feeling now?
593
00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:48,850
Not too bad, actually.
My arm is a little--
594
00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:50,018
No, him.
595
00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:51,102
Oh, right, yeah.
596
00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:52,228
I'm okay.
597
00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:54,230
Uh, you know, it doesn't
hurt that much.
598
00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:57,067
Uh, doctor, I-I really have
no idea how this happened.
599
00:21:57,067 --> 00:21:59,152
You know, we were both
sitting inside the car,
600
00:21:59,152 --> 00:22:00,487
and we had our seatbelts on,
601
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:01,863
you know,
as is required by law--
602
00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:04,324
Son, this isn't
my first night in the ER.
603
00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:06,159
I saw the carpet burns.
604
00:22:06,159 --> 00:22:09,412
I know when kids have been
"A Whole New World-ing."
605
00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:11,039
I curse the day
that movie came out.
606
00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:13,083
All right.
You're gonna be okay.
607
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,542
There's no concussion.
608
00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:17,087
But I need you to get some rest
for the next few days.
609
00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:18,421
And stay off cars.
610
00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:20,674
Okay. Thanks.
611
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:27,222
Listen, I'm--
I'm sorry about tonight.
612
00:22:27,222 --> 00:22:28,223
You know, it was stupid.
613
00:22:28,223 --> 00:22:29,891
No, it wasn't.
614
00:22:29,891 --> 00:22:32,727
It was romantic and thoughtful.
615
00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:34,104
Wait, so you're not mad?
616
00:22:34,104 --> 00:22:35,397
No.
617
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:38,775
I like you--a lot.
618
00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,860
Okay, well,
do you maybe want to go
619
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:42,404
on an inside-the-car date
sometime?
620
00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:45,240
I have a better idea.
621
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,867
I was supposed to go
to the prom with Danny Hirsh,
622
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:50,328
but his acne has
reached a point
623
00:22:50,328 --> 00:22:52,330
where I need to take action.
624
00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:54,499
Would you maybe want to go?
625
00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,792
Yeah.
626
00:22:55,792 --> 00:22:57,127
Yeah, yeah, of course.
627
00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,129
Cool.
628
00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:02,799
I'm actually kind of surprised
you don't have a date already.
629
00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:05,010
Although I guess
I haven't seen you
630
00:23:05,010 --> 00:23:06,678
around school
with a girlfriend.
631
00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:09,347
Oh, John's had
lots of girlfriends.
632
00:23:09,347 --> 00:23:10,557
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
633
00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,017
Oh, yeah.
You're looking at a guy
634
00:23:12,017 --> 00:23:14,477
with a whole lot
of experience...
635
00:23:14,477 --> 00:23:15,687
with fucking.
636
00:23:15,687 --> 00:23:16,730
Right, Johnny?
637
00:23:16,730 --> 00:23:18,940
Uh--uh, yeah.
638
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:21,359
Yeah, I'm still sore
from yesterday, you know?
639
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,237
Yeah, a whole lot of--
whole lot of pounds of torque.
640
00:23:24,237 --> 00:23:25,572
- Oh.
- Trust me,
641
00:23:25,572 --> 00:23:27,574
this guy knows his way
around a woman.
642
00:23:27,574 --> 00:23:29,034
You know what they call him
at school?
643
00:23:29,034 --> 00:23:30,493
The Ladyboy.
644
00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:32,537
He's that seasoned.
645
00:23:32,537 --> 00:23:34,539
Sorry, we need this room.
646
00:23:34,539 --> 00:23:37,083
We got another one.
647
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:39,336
Goddamn movie.
648
00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:44,424
Guess what?
649
00:23:44,424 --> 00:23:48,720
One of the eggs had two yolks.
650
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,056
I can't wait to get invited
to a party.
651
00:23:51,056 --> 00:23:52,515
I have small talk.
652
00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:56,019
Well, you know, uh,
Johnny also has some good news.
653
00:23:56,019 --> 00:23:57,937
- Aw, shut up, man.
- No, no, no.
654
00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:00,065
No, no, no, we're doing this.
I'm proud of you, man.
655
00:24:00,065 --> 00:24:02,859
Our boy has been invited
to the prom.
656
00:24:02,859 --> 00:24:04,402
- What?
657
00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:05,779
Are you serious?
- Wait a minute.
658
00:24:05,779 --> 00:24:07,322
Wait a minute. Invited?
659
00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:08,656
She invited you?
660
00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,575
- Yeah.
- See that, Susan?
661
00:24:10,575 --> 00:24:12,160
Still think
the Clintons are harmless?
662
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,037
Times are changing, Matty.
You gotta keep up.
663
00:24:14,037 --> 00:24:15,497
Oh, John!
664
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:18,500
I'm so happy for you.
665
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:20,210
Who's the lucky girl?
666
00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,753
Bethany Borgwardt.
667
00:24:21,753 --> 00:24:24,130
Wait, the--the girl
from the other night?
668
00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:24,923
The one with the--
669
00:24:24,923 --> 00:24:26,174
The bra lady, yeah.
670
00:24:26,174 --> 00:24:28,468
Guess somebody gave him
some good advice.
671
00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:31,680
Well, I'm very surprised.
672
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,808
Uh, I guess, good luck.
673
00:24:34,808 --> 00:24:36,559
All right,
I gotta go to work.
674
00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:37,686
I'll see you later.
675
00:24:37,686 --> 00:24:38,728
Don't forget
your lunch, honey.
676
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,816
Take the fruit out!
677
00:24:42,816 --> 00:24:44,526
I can't be seen at work
with a plum!
678
00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:45,819
Why?
679
00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:47,612
There's fiber in here, hon.
680
00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:49,781
You haven't made caca yet.
681
00:24:49,781 --> 00:24:51,658
Hey, Blaire, you know,
since Johnny's got a date,
682
00:24:51,658 --> 00:24:52,867
how about you and me go
to the prom?
683
00:24:52,867 --> 00:24:54,536
Yeah, no thanks.
684
00:24:54,536 --> 00:24:55,578
Why not?
685
00:24:55,578 --> 00:24:56,830
A high school prom?
686
00:24:56,830 --> 00:24:58,289
Been there, done that.
687
00:24:58,289 --> 00:24:59,791
No booze, no thanks.
688
00:24:59,791 --> 00:25:01,167
Ah, come on.
Don't leave me hanging!
689
00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:02,752
Johnny's gonna be
off getting laid.
690
00:25:02,752 --> 00:25:03,712
I don't want
to be stuck talking
691
00:25:03,712 --> 00:25:04,879
to a bunch of wiener bags.
692
00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:06,006
Don't you think you're being
693
00:25:06,006 --> 00:25:07,632
a little overconfident
about this?
694
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:09,676
I mean, he just started
dating this girl.
695
00:25:09,676 --> 00:25:10,802
Yeah, but it's--
696
00:25:10,802 --> 00:25:12,095
it's going really good, Blaire.
697
00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:13,763
We had a great time
on our first date.
698
00:25:13,763 --> 00:25:14,973
Even the hospital was fun.
699
00:25:14,973 --> 00:25:16,766
Yeah, they're gonna fuck
for sure.
700
00:25:16,766 --> 00:25:19,602
I mean, unless, you know,
the timing's off.
701
00:25:19,602 --> 00:25:20,603
What do you mean?
702
00:25:20,603 --> 00:25:21,980
Well, I mean, you know, if--
703
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:24,149
if she's gotta make her period.
704
00:25:24,149 --> 00:25:25,900
- What?
- You know, if it's
705
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:27,193
that time of the week.
706
00:25:27,193 --> 00:25:29,946
Okay, so what?
So what if she gets her period?
707
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,948
Well, like, you can't
have sex then, right?
708
00:25:31,948 --> 00:25:34,200
Like, I heard that
if you have sex
709
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,785
while a girl's doing
her period,
710
00:25:35,785 --> 00:25:38,079
then--then you could
go back in time.
711
00:25:38,079 --> 00:25:40,665
I think I just went
back in time.
712
00:25:40,665 --> 00:25:42,334
Does any male in this house
713
00:25:42,334 --> 00:25:45,795
actually even fucking know
how it works?
714
00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:48,631
Well, do you?
715
00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:50,050
- I-I do not.
- I actually
716
00:25:50,050 --> 00:25:51,051
have no idea, no.
- Yeah.
717
00:25:51,051 --> 00:25:52,218
- Yeah.
- Ugh. Okay.
718
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:53,887
I actually was always
kind of curious.
719
00:25:53,887 --> 00:25:55,638
There's, like, a--
a little tube, right?
720
00:25:55,638 --> 00:25:57,098
Yes, a tampon.
721
00:25:57,098 --> 00:25:58,516
Oh, yeah, I know that word.
722
00:25:58,516 --> 00:26:00,226
Is a crampon also something?
723
00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:02,062
A crampon is used
for rock climbing.
724
00:26:02,062 --> 00:26:03,688
It's got nothing
to do with periods.
725
00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:04,814
Oh.
726
00:26:04,814 --> 00:26:05,815
It's weird that it has the word
727
00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:06,858
"cramp" in there though, yeah?
728
00:26:06,858 --> 00:26:08,276
Two completely
different things.
729
00:26:08,276 --> 00:26:09,486
But you can see
why I thought--
730
00:26:09,486 --> 00:26:10,570
Okay, you want to make jokes,
731
00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:11,488
or you want to fucking
learn something?
732
00:26:11,488 --> 00:26:12,822
I wasn't making a joke!
733
00:26:12,822 --> 00:26:14,282
I didn't know about
the rock climbing! God!
734
00:26:14,282 --> 00:26:15,533
How's it work?
735
00:26:15,533 --> 00:26:16,826
Give me your best guess.
736
00:26:16,826 --> 00:26:19,537
You put the tampon inside.
737
00:26:19,537 --> 00:26:21,581
Genius, yes. How?
738
00:26:21,581 --> 00:26:23,166
Y-you swallow it.
739
00:26:23,166 --> 00:26:27,087
You use the applicator
to insert it into the vagina,
740
00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:29,673
and then you remove the
applicator by pulling it out.
741
00:26:29,673 --> 00:26:31,633
And this happens
all the time?
742
00:26:31,633 --> 00:26:33,134
Once a month
for just a few days.
743
00:26:33,134 --> 00:26:34,678
Is it shorter in February?
744
00:26:34,678 --> 00:26:35,845
You want to get fucking wet?
745
00:26:35,845 --> 00:26:37,222
No, no, no.
No, I'm good, I'm good.
746
00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:41,726
Look, I know you guys think
you're pretty smart.
747
00:26:41,726 --> 00:26:47,357
But maybe you're not as ready
for sex as you think you are.
748
00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:54,406
Hello?
749
00:26:54,406 --> 00:26:55,865
John, it's Bethany.
750
00:26:55,865 --> 00:26:57,617
Oh, hey, Bethany.
751
00:26:57,617 --> 00:26:59,703
Yeah, we were, uh--we were
just talking about the prom.
752
00:26:59,703 --> 00:27:00,704
I'm really excited.
753
00:27:00,704 --> 00:27:02,080
What time should I pick you up?
754
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,750
Yeah, about that,
I've been thinking,
755
00:27:05,750 --> 00:27:09,379
maybe it's better
if we go separately.
756
00:27:09,379 --> 00:27:11,172
Wait--wait, what? Why?
757
00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:14,342
I just think you might be
a little bit too, um,
758
00:27:14,342 --> 00:27:16,219
experienced for me.
759
00:27:16,219 --> 00:27:17,679
No, but--
760
00:27:17,679 --> 00:27:19,055
Come back to bed, Johnny!
761
00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:20,890
I'm one of your many satisfied
762
00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:22,100
sexual partners!
- Stop!
763
00:27:22,100 --> 00:27:23,059
What?
He's gonna thank me.
764
00:27:23,059 --> 00:27:25,061
- No, he's not!
- Shh!
765
00:27:25,061 --> 00:27:26,980
Hey, uh, can we talk
about this?
766
00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:28,648
I'm sure you've got
lots of other girls
767
00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:29,983
who'd love to go with you.
768
00:27:29,983 --> 00:27:31,818
Maybe you ask one of them.
769
00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:33,278
Sorry.
770
00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:38,450
She dumped me.
771
00:27:38,450 --> 00:27:39,868
What?
772
00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:43,288
Yeah, it's--it's over.
773
00:27:43,288 --> 00:27:44,497
No, it's not.
774
00:27:44,497 --> 00:27:46,124
We are gonna do what they do
in the movies.
775
00:27:46,124 --> 00:27:48,126
Go over there tonight,
stand on her lawn,
776
00:27:48,126 --> 00:27:50,462
and declare your love
for all the world to hear.
777
00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:51,463
Yeah.
778
00:27:54,299 --> 00:27:56,259
Sorry about that, Officer.
Thank you so much.
779
00:27:56,259 --> 00:27:57,927
Our apologies.
Won't happen again.
780
00:27:57,927 --> 00:27:59,596
Wow, that was so not good.
781
00:27:59,596 --> 00:28:02,098
Yeah, her dad really
did not care that you love her.
782
00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:03,892
I can't believe
I listened to you.
783
00:28:03,892 --> 00:28:05,435
You fucked
this whole thing up, Teddy!
784
00:28:05,435 --> 00:28:07,729
It's okay, Johnny.
We can still salvage this.
785
00:28:07,729 --> 00:28:09,856
All right, there's gonna be
a lot of girls at the prom.
786
00:28:09,856 --> 00:28:11,149
We're gonna get you
a fake chest.
787
00:28:11,149 --> 00:28:12,108
We'll stick a sock
in your pants.
788
00:28:12,108 --> 00:28:14,110
This isn't just
about sex, okay?
789
00:28:14,110 --> 00:28:15,445
How many times
do I have to stand here
790
00:28:15,445 --> 00:28:17,530
and tell you,
I really like her?
791
00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:18,698
She's wicked cool.
792
00:28:18,698 --> 00:28:19,991
We've got a lot in common.
793
00:28:19,991 --> 00:28:22,077
Wasn't it pretty much
just "Flash Gordon"?
794
00:28:22,077 --> 00:28:23,828
We could have built off that.
795
00:28:23,828 --> 00:28:24,913
Where am I gonna find
another girl
796
00:28:24,913 --> 00:28:26,122
who likes that movie?
797
00:28:26,122 --> 00:28:27,123
I mean, you and me like it,
798
00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:28,416
but that's mostly
'cause of drugs.
799
00:28:28,416 --> 00:28:30,085
Okay, look,
I fucked up, all right?
800
00:28:30,085 --> 00:28:31,628
But we can still have fun
at the prom.
801
00:28:31,628 --> 00:28:34,464
Come on, we'll spike the punch
and stuff the ballot box
802
00:28:34,464 --> 00:28:36,966
so a couple of horse-faced kids
win King and Queen.
803
00:28:36,966 --> 00:28:38,009
If you want to go
to the prom,
804
00:28:38,009 --> 00:28:39,844
you can do it without me.
805
00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:41,096
Johnny.
806
00:28:54,859 --> 00:28:56,569
Come on, hurry up,
807
00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:59,072
before I change my mind.
808
00:28:59,948 --> 00:29:01,199
Oh, my God, that's--
809
00:29:01,199 --> 00:29:03,034
that's the tie you landed on?
810
00:29:03,034 --> 00:29:04,244
Yeah, what's wrong with it?
811
00:29:04,244 --> 00:29:05,870
You're wearing
a fucking piano tie to prom.
812
00:29:05,870 --> 00:29:07,455
What are you, in an a-ha video?
813
00:29:07,455 --> 00:29:09,541
Well, you know, it's
kind of hard to tie a bow tie
814
00:29:09,541 --> 00:29:10,709
when you got no fingers.
815
00:29:10,709 --> 00:29:12,377
You look great, by the way.
816
00:29:12,377 --> 00:29:14,254
See?
See how easy that is,
817
00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:15,463
to give someone a compliment?
818
00:29:15,463 --> 00:29:20,301
Oh, look at you two,
all dressed up!
819
00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:23,471
Oh, Matty,
don't they look nice?
820
00:29:23,471 --> 00:29:25,181
- Yeah.
- Blaire, you should
821
00:29:25,181 --> 00:29:27,809
wear girl clothes
more often, hon.
822
00:29:27,809 --> 00:29:28,893
Thanks.
823
00:29:28,893 --> 00:29:30,520
Is John going too?
824
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,732
No, he's, uh--
he's still pretty upset.
825
00:29:33,732 --> 00:29:36,026
Oh, no, my baby.
826
00:29:36,026 --> 00:29:39,571
Matty, why don't you
go talk to him?
827
00:29:39,571 --> 00:29:40,655
Huh?
828
00:29:40,655 --> 00:29:42,240
Go talk to John.
829
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,366
What do you mean?
830
00:29:43,366 --> 00:29:44,993
Oh, my God.
Am I speaking Farsi?
831
00:29:44,993 --> 00:29:46,578
Go speak to your son.
832
00:29:46,578 --> 00:29:49,247
Do, like, a, I don't know,
father-type thing.
833
00:29:49,247 --> 00:29:51,791
You know,
I remember my junior prom
834
00:29:51,791 --> 00:29:54,169
and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb.
835
00:29:54,169 --> 00:29:57,297
He was so nervous,
he accidentally stabbed me
836
00:29:57,297 --> 00:29:59,632
putting on the corsage.
837
00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:02,260
And I didn't want to make
a fuss or anything like that,
838
00:30:02,260 --> 00:30:03,636
so I spent the whole night
839
00:30:03,636 --> 00:30:06,806
with this carnation stuck
to my breast.
840
00:30:06,806 --> 00:30:09,476
Jesus,
this fucking story again.
841
00:30:09,476 --> 00:30:11,311
I'll talk to John.
842
00:30:14,314 --> 00:30:16,191
And then I got sepsis,
843
00:30:16,191 --> 00:30:18,526
and I'm still
not allowed to swim.
844
00:30:23,114 --> 00:30:24,783
Hey, Johnny, wrap it up.
I need your help.
845
00:30:24,783 --> 00:30:26,076
Just started the game.
846
00:30:26,076 --> 00:30:27,243
Tough shit.
847
00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,328
I gotta load
our old refrigerator
848
00:30:28,328 --> 00:30:29,329
in the back of the truck,
849
00:30:29,329 --> 00:30:30,955
dump it in the woods.
850
00:30:30,955 --> 00:30:32,457
It's 7:30 at night.
851
00:30:32,457 --> 00:30:34,834
Yeah.
This isn't exactly legal, John.
852
00:30:34,834 --> 00:30:37,295
But I'll be damned if I'm
paying for bulky-item pickup.
853
00:30:37,295 --> 00:30:39,130
Besides, it'll be fun
for kids to play in.
854
00:30:39,130 --> 00:30:40,882
Can't we just do it
another time?
855
00:30:40,882 --> 00:30:44,010
Why? It's not like
you have anywhere to go, right?
856
00:30:46,262 --> 00:30:47,639
Dad, I know
what you're doing.
857
00:30:47,639 --> 00:30:48,640
I'm not doing anything.
858
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:49,974
I just need another set
of hands.
859
00:30:49,974 --> 00:30:51,309
I'm not going to prom!
860
00:30:51,309 --> 00:30:53,770
All right?
I--I got dumped.
861
00:30:53,770 --> 00:30:55,188
It'll be too embarrassing.
862
00:31:01,111 --> 00:31:03,363
Life is a series
of embarrassments.
863
00:31:03,363 --> 00:31:05,448
Bosses humiliating you,
864
00:31:05,448 --> 00:31:07,659
your wife nagging you
all the time,
865
00:31:07,659 --> 00:31:10,078
going off to fight
in the one war
866
00:31:10,078 --> 00:31:10,995
where you're the bad guy.
867
00:31:10,995 --> 00:31:12,163
I mean, fuck.
868
00:31:12,163 --> 00:31:13,665
Is this supposed
to be a pep talk?
869
00:31:13,665 --> 00:31:15,834
All I'm saying is,
you only get so many nights
870
00:31:15,834 --> 00:31:17,669
like this one, John.
871
00:31:17,669 --> 00:31:20,380
There are no junior proms
when you're an adult.
872
00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:22,215
You miss this one,
that's fucking it.
873
00:31:22,215 --> 00:31:24,134
The rest of your life is
spending all day
874
00:31:24,134 --> 00:31:25,510
breaking your back,
and all night
875
00:31:25,510 --> 00:31:28,805
standing at a toilet,
peeing in Morse code.
876
00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:35,562
All right.
877
00:31:39,315 --> 00:31:41,317
There you go.
878
00:31:48,241 --> 00:31:50,076
♪ Rhythm is a dancer ♪
879
00:31:50,076 --> 00:31:52,162
♪ It's a soul's companion ♪
880
00:31:52,162 --> 00:31:55,540
♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪
881
00:31:55,540 --> 00:31:57,709
♪ Lift your hands and voices ♪
882
00:31:57,709 --> 00:31:59,669
♪ Free your mind and join us ♪
883
00:31:59,669 --> 00:32:02,422
See, this ain't
so bad, right?
884
00:32:02,422 --> 00:32:05,884
Thanks to this,
not the worst night of my life.
885
00:32:05,884 --> 00:32:09,637
Yeah, well, I'm having
a nice time with you too.
886
00:32:09,637 --> 00:32:13,099
And the compliment-free
evening continues.
887
00:32:13,099 --> 00:32:14,392
Hey, Javier!
888
00:32:14,392 --> 00:32:16,436
Ha! I know that guy.
889
00:32:16,436 --> 00:32:17,896
No one was looking at you.
890
00:32:17,896 --> 00:32:19,814
Yeah, it's just--there was--
there was the one guy.
891
00:32:19,814 --> 00:32:21,900
No, I have great eyes,
and no one was looking.
892
00:32:21,900 --> 00:32:24,069
No, it's just--it's this
thing we do, the two of us.
893
00:32:24,069 --> 00:32:25,737
Ah, that's so him.
894
00:32:25,737 --> 00:32:27,739
Have you made
any fucking friends this year?
895
00:32:27,739 --> 00:32:29,199
Uh, not really, no.
896
00:32:32,077 --> 00:32:34,537
Shit, Ted, look.
897
00:32:36,289 --> 00:32:38,291
Hey! Hey, Johnny!
898
00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:43,713
- Hey, John.
- Hey, buddy.
899
00:32:43,713 --> 00:32:45,882
Hey, hey, you just
missed Javier, man.
900
00:32:45,882 --> 00:32:47,175
He was up to his old tricks.
901
00:32:47,175 --> 00:32:48,718
Shit, again?
902
00:32:48,718 --> 00:32:49,761
Man, I really gotta
meet that guy.
903
00:32:49,761 --> 00:32:51,388
He sounds awesome.
- I know, I--
904
00:32:51,388 --> 00:32:53,264
fuck, he's always just leaving
when you get here.
905
00:32:53,264 --> 00:32:55,266
I-I don't--
I don't know how that happens.
906
00:32:55,266 --> 00:32:58,228
Well, listen, man, I--
907
00:32:58,228 --> 00:33:00,230
I'm really sorry
for laying into you like that.
908
00:33:00,230 --> 00:33:01,856
No, man, I'm sorry.
909
00:33:01,856 --> 00:33:04,442
I fucked things up
between you and Bethany.
910
00:33:04,442 --> 00:33:06,194
I should have just kept
my big mouth shut
911
00:33:06,194 --> 00:33:07,570
and let you be yourself.
912
00:33:07,570 --> 00:33:09,614
No, man,
it's not all your fault.
913
00:33:09,614 --> 00:33:11,741
I didn't have to listen to you.
914
00:33:11,741 --> 00:33:13,493
I made my own choices.
915
00:33:18,873 --> 00:33:21,376
I think I know
how to un-fuck things.
916
00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:27,966
Bethany. Hi.
917
00:33:27,966 --> 00:33:30,218
John.
918
00:33:30,218 --> 00:33:32,053
Hi.
919
00:33:32,053 --> 00:33:35,390
So listen, I was wondering
920
00:33:35,390 --> 00:33:40,020
if you'd maybe
give me another chance.
921
00:33:40,020 --> 00:33:43,565
John, look.
922
00:33:43,565 --> 00:33:45,108
I think you're
a nice-enough guy,
923
00:33:45,108 --> 00:33:48,361
but you're not the guy for me.
924
00:33:48,361 --> 00:33:49,654
I-I'm just not interested
925
00:33:49,654 --> 00:33:51,322
in being a notch
in someone's belt.
926
00:33:51,322 --> 00:33:54,200
Okay, well, that's what
I'm here to tell you.
927
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,870
I've never had sex, okay?
928
00:33:56,870 --> 00:33:59,164
I'm a virgin.
I-I said that I had
929
00:33:59,164 --> 00:34:00,290
because I thought
it would impress you.
930
00:34:00,290 --> 00:34:01,958
It was stupid.
931
00:34:01,958 --> 00:34:04,169
So you lied to me?
932
00:34:04,169 --> 00:34:06,004
Well, yeah.
933
00:34:06,004 --> 00:34:07,255
I'm sorry.
934
00:34:07,255 --> 00:34:09,007
How do I know
you're not lying now?
935
00:34:09,007 --> 00:34:10,258
I'm not.
I'm not.
936
00:34:10,258 --> 00:34:11,551
I swear to God.
937
00:34:14,262 --> 00:34:16,222
And I think I can prove it.
938
00:34:20,060 --> 00:34:21,436
Excuse me.
939
00:34:21,436 --> 00:34:23,271
I need that mic.
I got something to say.
940
00:34:23,271 --> 00:34:25,982
Sorry,
it's against the rules...
941
00:34:25,982 --> 00:34:27,901
unless it's for true love.
942
00:34:27,901 --> 00:34:28,902
It is.
943
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,033
Go get her.
944
00:34:36,409 --> 00:34:37,494
Hi. Hi, every--
945
00:34:37,494 --> 00:34:38,578
Oh, that's loud.
Hi, everyone.
946
00:34:38,578 --> 00:34:40,705
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
947
00:34:40,705 --> 00:34:42,707
Sorry for the interruption.
I, uh,
948
00:34:42,707 --> 00:34:46,044
uh, just have
a real quick question.
949
00:34:46,044 --> 00:34:48,755
Who here has had sex with me?
950
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,385
Nobody.
951
00:34:53,385 --> 00:34:54,928
You want to know why?
952
00:34:54,928 --> 00:34:57,889
Because I'm a virgin.
953
00:34:57,889 --> 00:34:59,933
I was too embarrassed
to admit it until tonight,
954
00:34:59,933 --> 00:35:02,060
but it's the truth.
955
00:35:02,060 --> 00:35:03,561
And you know what?
956
00:35:03,561 --> 00:35:06,064
I bet I'm not alone.
957
00:35:06,064 --> 00:35:09,359
I bet there are more of you
out there just like me,
958
00:35:09,359 --> 00:35:11,236
so let's stop being embarrassed
959
00:35:11,236 --> 00:35:13,363
and let our voices be heard.
960
00:35:13,363 --> 00:35:15,365
Who out there is a virgin?
961
00:35:23,248 --> 00:35:25,250
Nerd!
962
00:35:25,250 --> 00:35:26,835
- What the fuck?
- What? He was drowning.
963
00:35:26,835 --> 00:35:28,420
No sense in me going down
with him.
964
00:35:45,145 --> 00:35:46,980
Hey.
Hey, John, wait up!
965
00:35:51,609 --> 00:35:53,653
I can't believe
you just did that.
966
00:35:53,653 --> 00:35:55,363
Oh.
Yeah, it was pretty stupid.
967
00:35:55,363 --> 00:35:57,907
Yeah, very stupid.
968
00:35:59,284 --> 00:36:01,286
But it took guts.
969
00:36:01,286 --> 00:36:02,787
Well, I mean,
970
00:36:02,787 --> 00:36:05,457
it's not like my social life
could get any worse.
971
00:36:05,457 --> 00:36:08,418
Well...
972
00:36:08,418 --> 00:36:09,961
you want to know a secret?
973
00:36:09,961 --> 00:36:11,963
What?
974
00:36:11,963 --> 00:36:16,259
You're not the only person
at this school who hasn't--
975
00:36:16,259 --> 00:36:17,719
you know.
976
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:19,137
Wait.
977
00:36:19,137 --> 00:36:21,348
Wait, you're a virgin too?
978
00:36:21,348 --> 00:36:23,641
Mm-hmm.
979
00:36:23,641 --> 00:36:25,894
You know, I don't think
I believe you.
980
00:36:25,894 --> 00:36:27,270
- What?
- I think you gotta
981
00:36:27,270 --> 00:36:28,521
get up and tell
the whole school.
982
00:36:28,521 --> 00:36:30,607
Yeah, no thanks.
I'm not an idiot.
983
00:36:30,607 --> 00:36:32,067
Oh, you sure?
Why not?
984
00:36:32,067 --> 00:36:34,235
It's a great feeling.
I can't recommend it enough.
985
00:36:37,572 --> 00:36:39,324
Do you want to get out of here?
986
00:36:39,324 --> 00:36:42,827
Maybe hang at my house?
987
00:36:42,827 --> 00:36:45,580
My dad and his girlfriend
are out for the night.
988
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,333
Sure.
989
00:36:50,001 --> 00:36:53,004
- * And I swear ♪
- * I swear ♪
990
00:36:53,004 --> 00:36:58,343
♪ By the moon and the stars
in the sky ♪
991
00:36:58,343 --> 00:37:01,846
♪ I'll be there ♪
- * I'll be there ♪
992
00:37:01,846 --> 00:37:04,057
- * I swear ♪
- * And I swear ♪
993
00:37:04,057 --> 00:37:06,059
I think those two might
just make it.
994
00:37:06,059 --> 00:37:07,894
Yeah, I think so too.
995
00:37:09,104 --> 00:37:11,106
- Well, now what?
- One of the goth kids
996
00:37:11,106 --> 00:37:12,607
in the parking lot
gave me a pill.
997
00:37:12,607 --> 00:37:14,401
I got no idea what it is.
You want to split it?
998
00:37:14,401 --> 00:37:16,653
♪ For better or worse ♪
999
00:37:16,653 --> 00:37:18,571
♪ Till death do us part ♪
1000
00:37:18,571 --> 00:37:22,283
♪ Uh, yeah,
talk to me, yeah ♪
1001
00:37:22,283 --> 00:37:24,786
♪ What a man, what a man,
what a man ♪
1002
00:37:24,786 --> 00:37:26,162
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
1003
00:37:26,162 --> 00:37:28,206
♪ He's a mighty,
mighty good man ♪
1004
00:37:28,206 --> 00:37:30,291
♪ What a man, what a man,
what a man ♪
1005
00:37:30,291 --> 00:37:31,918
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
- * All right ♪
1006
00:37:31,918 --> 00:37:34,713
What are you doing back there?
1007
00:37:34,713 --> 00:37:36,923
Trying to unhook your bra.
1008
00:37:36,923 --> 00:37:39,759
Well, if there was any doubt
about your being a virgin...
1009
00:37:43,138 --> 00:37:44,639
Ah! Ah, shit, all right.
1010
00:37:44,639 --> 00:37:47,308
I think I tore it, and I might
have fucking cut myself.
1011
00:37:47,308 --> 00:37:49,310
Here, why don't I get it?
1012
00:37:49,310 --> 00:37:52,147
Um, do you have a condom?
1013
00:37:52,147 --> 00:37:53,314
Yeah.
Yeah, a grown-up
1014
00:37:53,314 --> 00:37:54,858
at the pharmacy
helped me pick one out.
1015
00:37:54,858 --> 00:37:55,817
What?
1016
00:37:55,817 --> 00:37:57,569
Nothing.
Uh, yeah.
1017
00:37:57,569 --> 00:37:59,195
Yeah, I got one.
1018
00:37:59,195 --> 00:38:03,950
Good, 'cause I think
we should have sex.
1019
00:38:03,950 --> 00:38:05,160
Really?
1020
00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:08,329
Holy shit, Blaire was right.
1021
00:38:08,329 --> 00:38:09,581
- Huh?
- Nothing.
1022
00:38:09,581 --> 00:38:12,375
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready.
1023
00:38:12,375 --> 00:38:13,752
♪ 'Cause his mama
taught him that ♪
1024
00:38:13,752 --> 00:38:15,045
♪ I got a good man ♪
1025
00:38:15,045 --> 00:38:16,629
♪ What a man,
what a man, what a man ♪
1026
00:38:16,629 --> 00:38:18,882
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
1027
00:38:18,882 --> 00:38:20,216
♪ A mighty, mighty good man ♪
1028
00:38:20,216 --> 00:38:22,302
♪ What a man,
what a man, what a man ♪
1029
00:38:22,302 --> 00:38:24,512
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
1030
00:38:24,512 --> 00:38:26,890
- * Yes, he is ♪
- * What a man, what a man ♪
1031
00:38:29,392 --> 00:38:30,727
- Oh, my God!
- What? What?
1032
00:38:30,727 --> 00:38:32,187
What's wrong?
- Look!
1033
00:38:32,187 --> 00:38:34,272
Police are in pursuit
of a white Bronco
1034
00:38:34,272 --> 00:38:37,150
presumed to be the vehicle
of OJ Simpson.
1035
00:38:37,150 --> 00:38:39,652
Now, as you can see there,
it's traveling very slowly--
1036
00:38:39,652 --> 00:38:41,196
Holy shit!
1037
00:38:41,196 --> 00:38:43,031
Yeah.
Yeah, that's really something.
1038
00:38:43,031 --> 00:38:45,450
Fuck! Does this mean
he actually did do it?
1039
00:38:45,450 --> 00:38:46,743
Speaking of doing it--
1040
00:38:46,743 --> 00:38:47,952
Where do you think
he's going?
1041
00:38:47,952 --> 00:38:49,788
And why are they driving
so slow?
1042
00:38:49,788 --> 00:38:51,623
I'm sure the LAPD has
its best men on it.
1043
00:38:51,623 --> 00:38:52,624
I mean, he must have
done it, right?
1044
00:38:52,624 --> 00:38:53,833
Why else is he running?
1045
00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:55,543
Times like these,
all we can really do
1046
00:38:55,543 --> 00:38:56,961
is hold each other close.
- Fuck!
1047
00:38:56,961 --> 00:38:59,714
I mean, he was Nordberg
in "The Naked Gun,"
1048
00:38:59,714 --> 00:39:01,257
and now he might be a murderer?
1049
00:39:01,257 --> 00:39:03,968
I think Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Goldman would
1050
00:39:03,968 --> 00:39:06,096
really want us to make
the most of this night.
1051
00:39:06,096 --> 00:39:09,307
And now we're hearing
reports that he has a gun.
1052
00:39:09,307 --> 00:39:12,310
Oh, my God.
1053
00:39:12,310 --> 00:39:15,647
I don't think this is gonna
have a happy ending.
1054
00:39:15,647 --> 00:39:17,649
No fucking shit.
1055
00:39:17,649 --> 00:39:19,317
To repeat, he is believed--
1056
00:39:21,986 --> 00:39:25,740
It's just like what happened
with my parents and Nixon.
1057
00:39:25,740 --> 00:39:27,951
Oh. Oh, my God.
1058
00:39:27,951 --> 00:39:29,828
Oh, my God, I'm my mother.
1059
00:39:29,828 --> 00:39:31,746
Well, your mother
actually had sex,
1060
00:39:31,746 --> 00:39:34,541
so that comparison
doesn't really work.
1061
00:39:34,541 --> 00:39:36,209
But at least
you got a girlfriend now.
1062
00:39:36,209 --> 00:39:38,545
Eh, sort of.
1063
00:39:38,545 --> 00:39:40,547
Whoa, what do you mean,
"sort of"?
1064
00:39:40,547 --> 00:39:42,882
Bethany's spending
the summer in Italy.
1065
00:39:42,882 --> 00:39:44,134
She's leaving tomorrow.
1066
00:39:44,134 --> 00:39:45,927
Oh, I wouldn't worry
about that.
1067
00:39:45,927 --> 00:39:48,388
That vagina's gonna be
right where you left it.
1068
00:39:48,388 --> 00:39:49,889
- You think so?
- Oh, yeah,
1069
00:39:49,889 --> 00:39:52,350
Italian guys are famous
for their sexual restraint
1070
00:39:52,350 --> 00:39:54,144
and respect for women.
1071
00:39:54,144 --> 00:39:56,312
- Oh, you were saying--
- I was saying the opposite.
1072
00:39:56,312 --> 00:39:57,814
You were doing a bit.
You were doing, like,
1073
00:39:57,814 --> 00:39:58,898
a bit, like an opposite thing.
- I was saying the thing
1074
00:39:58,898 --> 00:40:00,066
they don't do.
- You motherfucker.
1075
00:40:00,066 --> 00:40:02,027
Yeah.
1076
00:40:02,027 --> 00:40:03,987
Man, junior year
was weird, huh?
1077
00:40:03,987 --> 00:40:05,989
Yeah, it sucked,
no doubt about it.
1078
00:40:05,989 --> 00:40:07,490
Yeah.
1079
00:40:07,490 --> 00:40:09,159
But you know what?
1080
00:40:09,159 --> 00:40:11,369
Would've sucked way worse
without you, buddy.
1081
00:40:11,369 --> 00:40:12,704
Thanks, man.
1082
00:40:12,704 --> 00:40:15,040
That touches me deeply...
1083
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,916
which is what's gonna happen
to Bethany in Italy.
1084
00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:18,209
Sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, you motherfucker.
1085
00:40:18,209 --> 00:40:19,461
- That was the last one.
- Like, seriously though?
1086
00:40:19,461 --> 00:40:20,462
I know you're hurting.
That was the last one.
1087
00:40:20,462 --> 00:40:22,339
Last one.
1088
00:40:22,339 --> 00:40:24,382
I wonder what senior year's
gonna be like.
1089
00:40:24,382 --> 00:40:25,884
I don't know.
1090
00:40:25,884 --> 00:40:27,719
But you know what?
I say we make it great.
1091
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:29,554
Really turn our lives around,
you know?
1092
00:40:29,554 --> 00:40:31,931
Yeah.
Yeah, like actually do all
1093
00:40:31,931 --> 00:40:33,933
the summer reading and shit,
like, show up prepared.
1094
00:40:33,933 --> 00:40:36,019
Yeah, maybe even get a jump
on our college applications.
1095
00:40:36,019 --> 00:40:38,355
Yeah. That sounds great.
1096
00:40:38,355 --> 00:40:40,106
First thing tomorrow.
1097
00:40:41,649 --> 00:40:43,610
Looks like it might rain.
1098
00:40:43,610 --> 00:40:45,236
Jesus fucking Christ!
1099
00:40:45,236 --> 00:40:47,072
Fucking shit!
Why does it have to do that?
1100
00:40:47,072 --> 00:40:49,240
Oh, my God,
it's so fucking scary.
1101
00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:51,326
- I hate the thunder!
- Fuck you, thunder!
1102
00:40:51,326 --> 00:40:53,411
Yeah, you can suck my dick!
1103
00:40:53,411 --> 00:40:54,996
Oh, my God, Teddy.
1104
00:40:54,996 --> 00:40:56,247
You thinking what I'm thinking?
1105
00:40:56,247 --> 00:40:57,791
Get the guitar.
1106
00:41:34,619 --> 00:41:38,998
♪ Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful ♪
1107
00:41:38,998 --> 00:41:42,252
♪ And yet, alas,
that someone adores you ♪
1108
00:41:43,837 --> 00:41:47,549
♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
1109
00:41:47,549 --> 00:41:50,093
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
1110
00:41:50,093 --> 00:41:53,596
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
1111
00:41:53,596 --> 00:41:57,017
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
1112
00:41:57,017 --> 00:42:03,106
♪ But you just don't care
'cause your ♪
1113
00:42:03,106 --> 00:42:05,358
♪ Best friend is me ♪
79152
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