All language subtitles for The.Conners.515

♪

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of
a live studio audience.

I could've sworn
you all moved out.

Maybe it was
a dream I had.

You were there,
and you were there,

and someone dropped
a house on you.

Well, I'm just here
to wake up your grandpa

and drag him to work.

Courage!

I'm here because Ben didn't go
grocery shopping yesterday,

so I'm shopping
in the Conners' mini mart.

Hey, look,
the only reason

I didn't go
grocery shopping yesterday

is 'cause by the time
I closed the hardware store,

dropped off your dad,

and then picked up
a white T-shirt

for Beverly Rose's
Tie-Dye Tuesday at school,

it was too late.

Did you get the dye
and a T-shirt

for her best friend,
Kayla?

'Cause I promised
you'd get that, too.

Ooh, well,
I better head back out

because I don't want
to disappoint Kayla.

I knew when I woke up and
there was no food in the house,

I'd find you guys here.

What happened to
No Child Left Behind?

Can I have $50 for the school
orchestra field trip?

We're going to a nursing home
in Carbondale

to perform the score
from "Jesus Christ Superstar"

for the seniors.

Sounds like a soft
introduction to the big man

before they go
and meet him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I think you have
the wrong department, sir.

This is love
and encouragement.

This gentleman over here
is the bank.

50 bucks to play
for a bunch of seniors?

It sounds like
your music teacher's

trying to buy a new Honda.

While the bank is open,

just a reminder
that the mortgage is due.

What?
Has it been a month already?

I feel like I just paid it.

You did, but we were
three weeks late.

Oh, well, then we're not due
for another three weeks.

I'm trying to stay
on a schedule here.

Okay, well,
when you do pay it,

just don't forget to cover
my share. Sorry.

Oh, and there's something
in the garage

that's hissing and throwing
itself against the door.

If you could put it in a bag and
toss it in the neighbor's yard,

that would be great.

Love you.
I love you.

Mwah.
Mwah.

Former tenant.

Former landlord.

Before I toss
youse all out,

I am receiving
an inordinate amount

of targeted ads for
pre-natal care on my cellphone.

Does anyone know why?

No. I didn't even know
you started getting your period.

[ Sighs ]

Do you know why I'm getting
pre-natal care ads?

No. I was just driving by,
saw everybody's cars,

thought they were doing
an intervention on you,

and wanted to grab
some of the beers

before they
threw 'em all out.

Well, if anybody's
looking up pregnancy stuff,

remember, we all share
an Amazon account.

And I'm only asking
because I want

to make sure
we weren't hacked.

Well, ya got me.

Why would you look up
pre-natal care?

Oh, one of the busboys
at the Lunch Box

got his girlfriend pregnant.

Why couldn't the guy
look it up on his own?

Uh, he's married,
and he and his wife

also share
an Amazon account,

so he didn't want her
to find out.

See, we're not
the only family

dealing with
this very real issue.

I-I read that on, um...

Uh, uh, CNN.

Uh, which one of
the busboys is it?

'Cause I'm pretty sure
they're all single.

Hey, let's just get back
to why we're all here.

Dan, you're a hopeless drunk,
and you need help.

♪

Okay.

Please tell me

you're just checking out
pre-natal stuff

because you want
better nails and hair.

I wish I could.

I took three tests.

I'm pregnant.
Oh, no!

And you probably don't even know
who the guy is, do ya?

That was your life,
not mine.

I know who it is.

It's Kai.
The drifter poet guy?

Okay, this is a small town.
People are gonna talk.

We're gonna go with
you don't know.

So how did this happen?

I thought
you were on the pill.

Well, I was,
but it made me feel crazy,

so then I switched
to the patch,

but I know it's not always
effective right away,

so then I started using
a period-tracking app,

but then I got rid of it

because Roe v. Wade
got overturned

and I didn't want Big Brother
spying on my ovaries.

And then I found
a calendar in the house,

but it turned out
it was from 2013--

Okay, okay, okay.

The-- The baby's gonna be here
before this is over,

so I'm guessing that
you're really scared.

Yeah.

And I definitely wasn't ready
to tell anyone,

so thank you for covering
for me at breakfast.

Yeah, you're welcome.

But you know you're gonna
have to tell your mom.

[ Sighs ] So not ready
for that fight.

She already thinks
I'm totally irresponsible.

This will just
confirm it.

Harris, your grandma
got knocked up,

your mom got knocked up,
your aunt got knocked up,

so you haven't
broken the curse.

[ Chuckles ]

Although, you are the first one
to do it with a hobo.

You've opened up a whole portal
we didn't know existed.

No, what I'm trying to say is,
I'm here for you.

♪

- Captions by VITAC--

Hey. Oh, okay,
so I went over the bills.

If I take care of your share
of the mortgage this month,

that uses up the money
I earmarked for utilities,

so what would you prefer,
m'lady?

Heat or TV?

TV. All the sister-wives
are leaving Kody,

and I'm right
in the middle of it.

[ Door opens ]

Hey, uh, can you do

Beverly Rose's
tie-dye project with her?

It's due tomorrow,
and I have class tonight.

[ Sighs ]

Sure.
Thanks.

Oh, wait.
You got the rent?

Yes.

No.

But I will, soon.

That's a lie.

Goodbye.
Wait, Becky.

We're really behind.
We need the money.

I'm sorry. I had to buy
new school books

and clothes
for Beverly Rose.

I have about $5 in change
in a jar in the garage,

but you're gonna
have to fight

the snarling hell-beast
to get it.

So something might eat my face,
but I'll get $5?

By the time it gets
through the beard,

it'll get tired
and take a nap.

You'll be fine.

[ Door opens ]

How come the sister-wives
have a better life than I do?

[ Door closes ]

Thanks for making dinner, Grandpa.

Yeah,
Ben took the late shift,

so I had time
to slow-cook some chili.

Harris.

Beer?

Oh, no, thanks.

I had one, like,
an hour ago.

Someone else can have that.

Oh, come on.
That chili's pretty spicy.

You're gonna need a cold one
to wash it down.

Damn it, Dan.
Get off her back.

Stop pushing your dirty liquor
on everybody.

This isn't Prohibition, Jackie.

Here, have some bathtub hooch
to wash down your chili.

I really don't want one.
Thanks, Grandpa.

Oh, my God.
You're pregnant.

Happy, Dan?

Once again, your drinking
problem spills onto the family.

Now everybody knows that a hobo
knocked up your granddaughter.

I'll take this.

Oh, sorry.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well,
I just wanted to be sure.

I've taken three tests,
and they're all positive.

Well, I think we're all
missing the point here.

Harris passed
three tests.

We should talk about this.

I know there's gonna be
a lot of yelling,

and that kind of stress
is not good for my IBS.

No, Mark's right.

This whole family always
skips over the talking part

and goes right
to the yelling.

I haven't made
any decisions yet,

so I would appreciate it

if we could just not
do that right now.

Fair enough.

We'll all give Harris
time to think about this.

And once she wants to hear
what we have to say,

she'll ask us.

Thank you, Grandpa.

Yeah, thank you.
And while you're thinking,

I want you to seriously
consider keeping this baby.

Yep, I'm leaving.

♪

Look, I know this is a shock
and you're probably feeling,

"There's no way I'm ready
to have this baby,"

but we've all
felt like that.

There's never
enough time,

there's never enough money,
or enough anything.

You just make it happen,
and somehow it all works out.

You know, that's really easy
for you to say, Dan,

because you had Roseanne.

There were two of you.

Or, no, wait,
I take that back.

There was only one.

Roseanne was
raising the kids,

and you were hiding out
in the garage.

Hey, I was always
on property.

Can I jump in here?

Harris,
my opinion is that

you need to go
with your gut on this,

and I think I know what
your decision is gonna be.

How do you know?

Because if Harris
wasn't pregnant,

there's no way she would
be thinking about having a kid.

Harris, I love you, I don't
think you're prepared for this.

I had to make this choice
when I was your age,

and I knew that
I wasn't ready,

and it was a decision
that I've never regretted.

So if you decide that
that's what's right for you,

I support that.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate you both.

Could you give me
a moment alone with Mom?

You're way too quiet.
What's up?

I am thrown
that you feel

this is even something
to think about.

You broke up with Aldo
because he wanted a baby,

and that was someone you were
in a real relationship with.

Well, I felt pressured
with Aldo.

He made it a dealbreaker,
like the whole relationship

was about me giving him a kid,
and I wasn't ready for that.

Okay, that was just
six months ago, right?

So you're ready now?

Well, it's different now.

Now that it's real,
I can't explain it, I just--

I feel like
I have to think about it.

I had unplanned kids
at your age

with no partner
really helping me,

and it wore me down.

I mean, look at me.

I've seen pictures.

You looked like that
on Santa's lap.

So, what are you saying?

You're sorry you had me?

No, of course not.

But if I could go back
and really think it through

and choose to have you later
and on way more solid ground,

I would do that.

People who don't have money
who have kids at your age

just continue
the cycle of poverty.

I mean, I couldn't keep us
in our own house in Chicago.

When other kids
were getting piano lessons,

you were crouching
outside their window

to get free piano lessons.

Alright?

You couldn't
go to college.

I don't even know how
you would consider doing this.

You know,
at the moment,

I swear I would do it
just to piss you off.

Oh, that is so mature.

But I'm not gonna do that

because I'm a lot more
responsible than you think I am.

So I'm gonna continue thinking
very carefully about this.

Yeah, at this point,
I have a lot of questions

about you "carefully"
considering anything.

Oh, that's right.

Go up to
my childhood room

that you'll pass on
to your pregnant kid,

and then they'll pass it on
to their pregnant kids.

And while they're watching the
flying cars go by the window,

they'll wonder if maybe
you should've listened

to their great-grandmother.

[ Door slams ]

Oh, you call that a slam?

I once slammed it so hard,

I broke that thing
off the hinges!

[ Door slams harder ]

Oh, so you are hearing me!

She's in her room reflecting
on what I just said.

♪

[ Door bell jingles ]

If you were just
beating up a Smurf,
you got some on you.

Yeah, the blue and orange dye's
from Beverly Rose's art project,

and the scratch is from
me risking my life

for a jar full of change.

Possum in the garage, huh?
Yeah.

You gotta trap him
in a sack

and throw him
in the neighbor's yard.

Anyway,
I heard about Harris.

How ya doing?

How many times
do I gotta tell you

about asking
about my feelings?

Anyway, anyway,
I got some good news for you.

Oh, please.

I closed the deal with
that contractor friend of mine.

It took some doing,
but it's a big, fat order,

and it's ours.

Oh, my God, Dan.

That's fantastic!
Ohh!

I'd hug you right now,
but then we'd have to hug

every time things go right,
and that's a slippery slope.

Hey. Ha-ha-ha!

I'm just glad
it worked out.

[ Exhales deeply ]

I gave him 15% off

if he promised
to spread the word,

and I'm sure we'll get
more business from him.

Wait, 15%?

What the hell
were you thinking?

I was thinking
we needed a big order,

and that's the way this kind
of business gets done.

Is there a problem?

No, I should've just made you
a tie-dye shirt, too,

since you clearly think this is
some sort of hippie commune

where we share the profits
with our customers.

You should've
run this by me.

I've been in construction
a long time, son.

I know what I'm doing.
[ Sighs ]

And since when do I have
to run anything by you?

Since I need
every dime I can get

because most of your family
is living with me now,

and I'm carrying
the load.

And everybody wants
something from me.

I'm trying my damnedest
to help 'em,

but I can't do it
with you giving away the farm!

I'm gonna assume you got
rabies from that possum

and that's why
you're yelling at me.

Don't make any more deals
without my approval.

And I've had
my rabies shot.

I got it when I married into
this crazy-ass family!

♪

Hi.

Oh, your food's by
the register.

I hear you're
eating for two now.

News travels fast.

I also heard that
you're undecided.

I'm lucky I even live somewhere
where I have that option, right?

Ha, amen.

It doesn't make it
any easier.

I'm trying to make
an adult decision,

but I still just feel like
an idiot kid who got pregnant.

Well, you kinda are.

What do you think
I should do?

Okay, I'm not gonna
tell you what to do,

but I do know, if Beverly Rose
were 17 right now,

going to school and pursuing
a career would be way easier.

Hmm. I never thought about it
like that.

So what you're saying is

you wish you'd had her
around my age?

Oh, hell yeah.

I'd have
twice as much energy.

And I bet Beverly Rose
wishes that, too.

Nobody wants to play tag
with someone lying down.

It's just two people
laying there tapping each other.

♪

[ Knock on door ]

I come bearing a slice of
Whole Foods organic apple pie

from work.

Someone left it
in the bathroom,

but it's still got the seal
on it, so it's good.

Thanks.

Ugh!

I'm so stressed out trying
to figure out what to do.

But isn't there some part of you
that's a little excited?

I-I mean, it could be
a good thing.

You think
I should have it?

I don't know.

I just think you'd be
a great mom.

Really?

You're the first person
who's even thought about

what kind of mom
I would be.

You'd be a great mom because
you've already been one.

When Dad left and Mom
had to go work full-time,

you were the one
who woke me up,

made my lunch,
got me to school.

Sure, sometimes it was
just a can of olives

and baking chocolate...

...but still,
I-I always had something.

That's true.

And, hey,
look how tall you are.

I clearly
did something right.

Yeah.

It'd be criminal if some kid
coming into this world

didn't get you
as a parent.

♪

♪

"Fight Club"?

Yeah.

I don't remember
inviting you over.

I'm only here because
our garage gremlin

chewed through the wires
on our washer and dryer.

Sure wish you would've
run that by me first.

Don't.

Is that beer
from my fridge?

I can't afford to be
giving away money.

This ain't
some hippie commune.

Okay, I guess
I had that coming.

[ Groans ]

I'm just losing it because
everyone needs so much from me.

You know,
I can't pay my bills,

I can't work
and do everybody's errands.

I just...

[ Sighs ]

I had to wash my hands
a thousand times,

and this dye
is not coming off.

I mean, it's just
not coming off!

Hey, you're okay.

There, there.

Deep breaths.

[ Exhales sharply ]

I don't know how to be
the patriarch.

Patriarch of what?

This ain't
"Yellowstone."

I'm serious.
It's...

I mean, look,
it was always you, right?

You were the guy that everybody
came to for everything,

and now it seems like
I'm supposed to be that guy,

but it's just too much
to handle.

Well, it was easier for me
'cause I had years to adjust

to the chaos of having kids
and worrying about money.

You're gonna
be great at this.

I know it.

I used to be so cool.

Last night, I hid in the
bathroom and ate a pound cake.

I get that
it's harder for you.

I was like
this happy little frog

that got tossed into
a tepid pot of water

slowly brought
to a boil.

You were the lobster
that got thrown in

after it was
already boiling.

The truth is, no matter what,
we're both gonna boil to death.

Thanks, man.

If they ever ask you
to man a crisis hotline...

...you should pass.

Hey.

Done with my food deliveries
for the night.

I made $11 in tips.

It's all singles.

So I say we go home,
we throw it on the bed,

and we roll around in that.

Alright.
We're heading out.

It's not too late
to come with us

to the Lanford
Film Festival.

There's a gay black-and-white
puppet movie from Kosovo.

It's subtitled,
but I hear it's worth it.

I would,
but I just watched

a gay black-and-white
puppet movie on A&E.

Hey.

Uh, I just wanted to
let you all know

that I've made
my decision,

and I've listened to everything
you all had to say

because I know you all want
what's best for me,

and I just wanted
to say thank you.

You forgot something.

Oh, yeah.
I'm having the baby.

I have no further comment
at this time.

Maybe somebody should check
the train yards

and congratulate
the father.

It's her decision, Darlene.

Yeah.

And I have
made one, too.

Mm.

I shouldn't be surprised that
you're doing the exact opposite

of what I think is
the right thing to do.

And I shouldn't
be surprised

that you wouldn't be happy
with my decision.

I'm not.

But...

I'm gonna be here
for you 100%.

[ Voice breaking ] I will
help you every step of the way.

Thank you.

I'm, like,
freaking out here.

Yeah, you should be.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

Harris is going
to have the baby.

[ Refrigerator opens ]

She's going to
move in with us.

And we are going to
take care of her

like the poverty-stricken,

dysfunctional enablers
that we are.

Of course we are.

Congratulations.

♪

I'm so happy you're gonna
help me with the baby.

Uh-huh.

I think if we all take turns
feeding the baby at night,

it's gonna be
just so much easier.

Uh-huh.

And since you've never
had a kid,

it'll be like
your first kid, too.

And I'll let you
do everything.

Change diapers,
give it a bath.

I'm gonna be
a free-range mom,

so we're all gonna be
chasing after

that little bastard
all day.

I'm gonna run to the store
and grab a pound cake.