All language subtitles for The.Conners.507

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Hey, honey,
you're home early.

Wait. You finally realized
that being a stay-at-home wife

and taking care
of your man

is the greatest satisfaction
a woman can have.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, you guessed it.

Now, sit down
and enjoy your arsenic.

But what
are you doing home?

Oh, the owners of Casita Bonita
weren't taking me

and the other employees
seriously about unionizing.

So, after lunch,
we walked out.

Good for you.
Yeah.

And they know that we're not
gonna budge off of our demands,

so I think they're gonna buckle
like an old pilgrim's shoe.

Huh.
Was one of your demands

that you want
more archaic references?

Did you ask for an extra
fortnight of vacation

and, uh, increased
medical coverage

for vapors
and bad humors?

[ Laughter ]

Your contumely
is not appreciated,

you gormless troglodyte.

Oh!
[ Laughs ]

Smart people.

I don't think we've ever had
two of them

in the house
at the same time.

Don't you worry,
young missy,

we'll bring 'em down
to our level.

We're gonna make them watch
"Parking Wars"!

Isn't it just a show
about people

fighting over
parking spots?

Just?

[ Scoffs ]
What more do you want?

You guys --
You guys missed it.

Some idiot in a big SUV
just took a tight compact space.

Now he can't open his doors.
He's trapped.

No, he's not.
No, he's not.
Uh-oh.

He's squeezing out
through the moonroof.

Uh-oh.

His kid is
closing the moonroof.

Look at his eyes bulge.
[ Laughs ]

Ben: Hey.

Is everything okay?

Uh, it's my job.

Dammit, I knew
this was gonna happen.

They let you go?

Uh, no.

I got promoted again.

Alright!
Whoa!

Well, that's great!

I guess when you're
not used to good news,

you don't know
what to do with your face.

No. Look, I'm happy
it's more money,

but now I'm the VP
of Public Relations.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

I assume everyone else
there died.

No, but that is
the first thing I checked.

I'm really happy for you,
Darlene.

Forgive me if I don't
jump up and down,

but I just walked out over
75 more cents an hour

and a hand-washing station
in the kitchen.

That sucks, Louise, and I'm sure
I seem like an ungrateful jerk,

but I don't know why
they picked me for this job.

I know
why they picked you.

Because it's funny when people
who look like children

say adult things.

No, because she's working class,
she's a mom raising a family,

and people are more likely
to listen to her

than some slick,
corporate guy.

Yeah, I get that, but I've never
done anything like this.

Ah, just do what men do.

Take the job regardless
of being qualified

and you stay around long enough
until you harass somebody,

and then they move you up
in the company.

♪♪

♪♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

Hey! You get a promotion
like Darlene?

'Cause that's the face,
right?

No.

The owners of Casita Bonita
closed it for good.

The doors are padlocked.

I'm outta work.

Oh, wow, that's crazy.

I might have told a few people
about that soap thing.

It wasn't about that,
was it?

Did another cat
give birth in the oven?

No.

They said they can't afford
a union wage

because the cost of food
has gone up so much.

Nobody wants to pay $16 for a
burrito that's mostly potatoes.

Hey, I'm gonna
miss that place.

It's where you and I
found each other again.

Yeah.
We had our first dates there.

I'm gonna miss it, too.

And Beverly Rose was conceived
in the freezer there.

Can't find a romantic way
to spin that.

To Casita Bonita.

Aww. Yeah.
Yeah.

Ah. I just lost
my wife's income,

so I'm gonna need
a couple more of these.

Anyone?
Well, I just found out

my buddy lost
his wife's income,

so I'm gonna drink with him
so he's not sad.

You know, Jackie,
um, I'm --

I'm gonna be looking for
another restaurant position.

Oh, that's gonna be a challenge.
Good luck with that.

I know that we had our ups
and downs

when I first joined
the family.

Oh, man, did we.

But I-I feel like we're in
a really good place now.

Do you?
Good for you.

Jackie,
she wants a job.

Do you mind?

Yeah, I want a job.

And it's a great idea.

I have all this experience,
I can work any shift you need,

and we're family,
so you can trust me.

Timing's right.

My only other server's
part-time now

because she's working
on her "psychology degree,"

which is
causing problems.

Uh, the "other server"
wants to know what problems.

Last week, you psychoanalyzed
everybody based on their order.

What is it about a tuna melt
that makes you a narcissist?

[ Laughs ] Everything.

And I supposed you believe
that people order a hot dog

just because
they want a hot dog.

It has nothing to do
with their father.

Here's something
I've been thinking about.

I've always wanted
to try the "Buy a beer,

and if the Bears win,
it's free" scam.

Oh, wow. Wow.
I never thought of that.

[ Laughs ]
Well, you must have at least
done the drinking game,

where the customers do a shot
every time the Bears fumble.

As soon as they get the ball,
I start pouring.

Look at you
with all the ideas.

Finally, a server
who understands

the hospitality business.

I'm not just a server.

I-I was a manager.

Okay, well, maybe you could
work for five minutes

before we start
talking titles.

I'm just saying, I-I worked all
these years to become a manager.

Uh-huh.

Hey, I got an idea
for a drinking game, too.

We'll all take a shot
every time you say "manager."

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Ah. It's nice Wellman's
shelling out a couple bucks

for Beverly Rose's school.

Do I look like
the head of PR?

You look like a shaky
little Chihuahua,

but you always
look like that.

I'm bored.

How much longer do I have
to stand here?

We're trying to be
supportive of Aunt Darlene.

Believe me,
I know it's hard.

Thank you for coming.

Uh, I am very proud to be
representing Wellman Plastics

as we donate a year's supply
of utensils, plates, and cups

to Lanford Public School's
free breakfast program.

[ Applause ]

Hi, there. I'm Jimmie Pike
from the "Lanford Gazette."

Oh. Did I blink
in that photo?

I always do that,
but it's worse

when I try
to keep 'em wide open.

I look like
Japanese anime.

I just want to know,
is this event to distract

from the accusations
from an anonymous whistleblower

that Wellman is polluting
the groundwater in Lanford?

What?

Uh -- I don't know
anything about that.

Company has no comment.

No, no. No, no.

I-I can't comment

'cause I really haven't heard
anything about that.

You can ask me anything you want
about the placemats

and the forks and the knives
for the children.

Okay, is the toxic runoff
from making the knives

and the forks
for the children

killing the children?

Here at Wellman,
we have a strict policy

against killing children.

Write that down.

Company thinks destroying
the environment is funny.

Come on, Jimmie,
give me a break.

This is my first day.

Look, I'll ask my bosses
about it and then we
can talk later, okay?

You take bad photos,

you don't know how
to do your job.

I'm looking forward
to it.

♪♪

This feels very weird.

I asked for a meeting,
not like a big fancy dinner.

Well,
I don't think it's weird.

I mean, this is how executives
do things.

And, you know, they can write
this whole thing off.

Lobster mashed potatoes?!
That's fantastic!

In nature, those two things
would never meet.

Just don't talk a lot.

Hey. Hey, Darlene.
Good to see you.

Hi, Mr. Wellman.

Ben.
Hi.

Wow.
This is all so nice,

but it wasn't necessary for you
to take us out to dinner.

Well, Bella and I just wanted
to celebrate your promotion,

and go over the plan
to publicize

our commitment
to the community.

Oh, that's great.

Um, and -- and like I said
in my e-mail,

I just want to know
if there's anything

to what this reporter
was talking about?

Absolutely not.

They're just fishing
for a story.

We've done studies,
and they all come back clean.

Oh. Hear that?
Water's clean.

Let's celebrate
with some oysters?

The doctor
gave me vitamins.

I have a condition
where I need to be happier.

[ Raspy ] I find they absorb
better with Chardonnay.

Well, um, those studies
make me feel a lot better.

So, if we are not
contaminating anything,

would you mind just
telling the press that?

That's exactly what
you are gonna do.

Those are the dates
for your media tour,

a list of, uh, difficult
questions you might encounter,

and the talking points
we'd like you to stick to.

Okay. Yeah.

Looks like there's some very
vague things you want me to say.

"As a mom with two kids,
I trust the Wellman family

to do what's right
for our community.

We know we can live well
with Wellman."

Well, a little stiff
and awkward,

but that's how a real person
would read it.

Yeah, I mean, that's --
that's what we want,

somebody
from the community.

I mean, we all live
in the same town.

Your, uh, media tour
starts in about a week.

You'll do great.

Dress in that lumberjack thing
you usually do

and whatever's happening
up there with your hair,

just keep doing it.

I'm going
to the restroom.

Would you mind escorting me
while these two talk business?

When the Chard hits my vitamins,
I get a little wobbly.

That's understandable.

Those vitamins have killed
a lot of rockstars.

No, I think it's best if I
escort you, my precious angel.

Here we go.
Excuse us.

[ Scoffs ]

This is all corporate
double-speak.

Something about this
does not feel right.

Look, is there anyone that's
been at the company a long time

and knows Bill Wellman
enough to tell you

whether you can trust him
or not?

Well, yeah.
There's Robin,

but I don't want her to think
I can't handle this job.

Oh, well, I think
we've established

you can't handle the job,
but look...

you trust Robin
and see what she thinks.

Huh.

Did you know that
your Wellman shampoo bottle

will be recycled
into playground equipment

in slide-less communities?

Thank God
for this company.

I'm getting truffle fries
for the table.

♪♪

So, how do you like
working here?

Well, I know everybody.
I know the menu.

I feel like I've been
working here forever.

[ Chuckles ] Me, too,

but in a way
that makes me want to

slam my face
into this cake.

So, how do you like my ideas
for bringing in more business?

They're all the changes
that those idiots

at Casita Bonita
wouldn't even listen to.

I'm glad somebody's
bringing in fresh ideas.

There haven't been any
since I lost interest.

[ Chuckles ]

Clearly, she's forgotten
about Stew-mendous Mondays,

uh, Stew Year's Eve,
and Stew-Paul's Drag Race.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, as much as people
love stew puns...

[ Laughs ]

...there's a whole menu of stuff
here we can promote.

Yeah.

Yeah, but we're mostly
about the stew.

Mm, that's your problem.

You need
some high margin items,

like a-a fried chicken platter
or skirt steak.

Okay, okay.

Well, if you think the average
Midwestern working type

is gonna want, uh, fried chicken
and steak, that's --

that's --
that's great.

Yeah,
we'll roll the dice.

Hey. How's it going
with Louise?

Um, well, I think she's starting
to feel very comfortable here.

Not afraid
to use her voice.

Hey, Robin.
Hey, Jackie.

Um, I love your new
Bears promotion.

Yeah. Yeah, genius.

And I'm the idiot
who never thought of it.

Still hates herself,
I see.

Well, thanks for coming.
Mm.

Well, I'm always happy to,
uh, drive across town,

where it's convenient
for you.

So, you said you wanted to pick
my brain, so have at it.

Thanks.

Um, is Bill Wellman
a lying scumbag?

Well, let me
ask you this first.

Is this for
the company newsletter

or a birthday cake
or what?

No, I-I was at my first
PR event,

and this reporter told me
that an anonymous whistleblower

said that Wellman
is polluting the groundwater,

but Bill tells me
that we have studies

that say that's not true.

Well,
that's interesting.

That's not an answer.

I know.
I'm being evasive.

Come on.
Is he a liar?

Well, as your fellow employee
at Wellman, I'd say no.

But as the anonymous
whistleblower,

I'd have to say yes.

What?
Why didn't you tell me that?

Look, in my defense,
never in my wildest dreams

did I think they'd make you
someone important.

Okay, but how
can you still work there

knowing they're polluting
our water?

Because I like to eat
and live indoors.

And I'm only a year away
from getting a pension.

Oh, my God.

Well, now,
what am I gonna do?

Well, for starters,
when you're taking a shower,

always keep
your mouth closed.

♪♪

Dammit.

The company picked me
to be their stooge

because they know
I can't afford to quit.

And they're right, but if this
is too much for you,

we'll figure something out.
How?

I won't get unemployment,

the kids and I won't have
health insurance.

We can't lose that.

I had like a month worth
of rainy-day money saved up,

and then I stopped for gas
and bought groceries.

Now we got
like six hours.

Well, I say we get a pizza,
see a movie,

and just go out
in a blaze of glory.

Have you thought about asking
for your old job back?

Yeah,
maybe I should do that.

I'd still know the company's
wrecking the environment,

but it would buy me some time
to find a new job.

What if they won't?

Well, then I have to try
to get myself fired.

You know, then at least,
I could get unemployment.

Yeah, just grab Robin's ass
and they'll get rid of you

for creating
a hostile workplace.

That won't work.

Everybody already thinks
we're a couple.

Well, visually, it makes
more sense than you and Ben.

♪♪

Made any decisions
about expanding the menu?

No. Not yet. Nope.
Still thinking about it.

Okay.

How about, uh,
changing the website?

It's impossible to use.

No. It's not.
It's simple.

Right now, you look at a picture
of the food, you click on it.

That takes you the old website
that has the menu,

you look at what you want,
you go back to the new website,

type in what you want
and how many,

and then
you give us a call

to make sure we're
not out of anything,

you solve the riddle
at the checkout page

for a free slice of cheesecake,
and you're done.

Just...

a drunken monkey
could do it.

You have to stop
dragging your feet.

I'm not dragging my feet.
I'm thinking.

Hey, what's the code
to the bathroom?

What code?

Uh, I put a code lock
on the bathroom door

so non-customers couldn't
just wander in here

and use the restroom.

This is
a family restaurant.

Everybody who comes through
that door, I consider family.

Yeah, this feels like
a discussion

you should have after
I get the code.

1-1-1-2.

Oh, that's great.
Oh, that --

O-Okay, a long list
of random numbers

that's gonna be
impossible to remember.

So, I can't believe --

Why did you do something
like that without asking me?

I did it because every time
I ask you to make a decision,

you get paralyzed.

No, that's not true.

That's not -- See?
Moving!

Moving!

Come on, Jackie.

You can't make any decisions,
even if they're good for you,

like -- like the website.

Like landing
on one career.

Like finally
dating my brother.

Look, I'm --
I'm only trying to help you.

I don't need your help!

Stop telling me how
to live my life, Roseanne!

Oh, my God.

That was an actual
Freudian slip!

You read about it
in textbooks,

but you never think
you're gonna see one in person.

Could you get
all unhinged again?

I wanna record it
for class.

Uh, excuse me,
Mr. Wellman.

Can we talk?
Yeah, sure, sure.

What can I do for you,
Darlene?

Um, look, I really
appreciate the promotion,

but I would like to go back
to my old job managing the line.

I'm just not comfortable
being a public speaker.

Everyone feels that way
at first. Stick with it.

You'll find your own voice using
the words we provide for you.

Uh, Mr. Wellman,
I'm having a lot of anxiety.

I really need to do this.
Well, I'm sorry, Darlene,

but your old job
has already been filled.

If you don't want the promotion,
I guess you'll have to quit.

Okay.

Um, if you don't fire me,
I'm gonna go to the press

because I found out the truth
about the groundwater.

You do that and we will sue you
and your family

for everything
you're worth.

[ Scoffs ]

What else you got?

My family's been preparing
for this moment for years.

Okay, well,
how about this?

You go to the press, and I will
bury you in legal debt so deep,

it'll keep your kids broke
for the rest of their lives.

Okay. I quit.

Oh, please don't accept
my resignation for two hours.

I gotta go to the dentist
and the eye doctor

and see if I can squeeze
in a colonoscopy.

♪♪

So, we should talk.

Not if you're
gonna scream at me.

Sorry.

Um, today, when you were
telling me

that I couldn't run my own life,
suddenly, I was eight again,

and I was baking a cupcake
in my Easy-Bake Oven,

and I could hear
Roseanne saying,

"No, you're doing it
all wrong.

Now I have to do it
all for you."

And then my mom
would come in and say,

"Don't upset Roseanne --"

I don't think you're
incompetent, Jackie,

and I just got upset
because you were dismissing me.

I only wanted to help.

Well,
it's the way you helped.

Roseanne never listened
to me.

She never cared about
anything I had to say.

Well, I care about
what you have to say,

because I know
how that feels.

The owners at Casita Bonita
would ignore me

every time I tried
to suggest anything.

I thought you would at least
appreciate my ideas.

Oh, I do.
I do appreciate your ideas.

You just have to express them
in a way that I can...

pretend they're mine.

That's all.

Wow.

Where do you come up
with stuff like that?

Yeah. I don't know.
I-I --

I don't even analyze it,
you know?

You know, later on, we will
go grab a glass of wine,

and I'll give you some other
stuff you're gonna come up with.

Oh, you mean like ideas
I've already had?

Still ahead of me.

[ Chuckles ]

You guys
work everything out?

'Cause I was worried
about you.

Aw, don't worry, Becky.
I started dinner.

She thinks I'm her sister,
you think I'm your cook.

Not just that.

You're also the nice lady

we're gonna dump our dad on
when he's old.

Yeah.

Which is...

now.

Well...

I did it.

Quit my job.

Ooh.
Okay.

Let's see
what I taught you.

Dentist?
Check.

Lady parts doctor?

Check.

Upstairs
and downstairs?

Check, and grow up.

I'm gonna be in my bed
for the next week.

Please take
care of my children,

or, you know, sell them
at a fair price.

♪♪

Why can't I be the manager?
'Cause I'm the manager.

I don't need
another manager.

But you're the owner.
So I-I should be the manager.

I like being the manager.

Yeah, but
if I'm the manager,

it takes the pressure
off you being the manager.

Mom, Mom, two more shots.
Mnh-mnh.

She was out after
the first five "managers."

Jackie: Oh, maybe
you could be co-manager.

I'll allow it.