All language subtitles for The Other Woman (2014)

Where you going?

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

What? Sorry, sorry, sorry.

You're right, you're right.

We barely know each other.

Maybe we should have
a-a drink and talk?

Actually...

my zipper just got
caught on my necklace,

but if you want to talk,
we totally can.

Sure.
-Oh.

Okay, great.

Or we can talk after.

Yeah.
-Yeah.

� I want a

� Sunday kind of love

� A love to last

� Past Saturday night

� And I'd like to know

� It's more than love
at first sight

� And I want a Sunday
kind of love

� Oh, yeah, yeah

� I want a,
a love that's on the square

� Can't seem to find somebody

� Someone to care

� And I'm on a lonely road

� That leads to nowhere

� Oh, and I want a Sunday

� Kind of love

� Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

� I don't want a Monday

� Tuesday or Wednesday

� Or Thursday

� Friday or Saturday

� Oh, nothing but Sunday

� Oh, yeah, yeah

� I want a Sunday, Sunday

� I want a Sunday
kind of love

� Oh, yeah

� Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

� Kind of love.

Come on.
-No.

Just let me tag along
for a drink.

You said I'd like him.

It's too soon.
-No.

Yes, it is.
Once you meet my dad,

and I meet your friends,
they become a part of this,

and I just-just want to stay
in our bubble

just a little longer.

It's been eight weeks.

You keeping track?

Happy anniversary.

I saw it, and I...

and I thought of you.

Open it.

Good morning.

Why do I schedule
breakfast meetings?

Mostly for the bacon, I think.

But you need to lay off of that

until we get your
cholesterol down.

Why not try turkey?

Screw turkey.

I like pig.

Okay, well, I heard
a story on the news

about a guy who ate an
undercooked pork chop...

Mm-hmm.
- ...and he ended up

with a worm

that made his brain
swell up super-fast...

Uh-huh. - ...and then,
to relieve the pressure,

they had to cut out

a chunk of his skull.

Oh, wow.

Like, a triangle
of his skull,

they cut it right
out of his head,

and they had to
implant it in his groin...

Mm-hmm.
- ...so that it wouldn't die...

otherwise, his brain would've
literally, like, just...

he would, like,
his head would've exploded.

Mm-hmm.
-Like, it would...

'Cause the skull was holding

his brain, which was swelling,
and his head would've just...

exploded.

I don't know.

Just think of that
next time you eat pig bacon.

I will.

Here you go.
-Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Aah!

Thunder!

He's got to get trained, Kate.

I know. I'm taking him
to obedience school today.

Good.
-Oh, and we need a check

because the painter's
coming today, too.

Reminds me, I need you
to sign these, honey.

What are they?

Oh, just some stuff
for the accountant.

I don't even
understand this.

Well... -I can't even
read these anymore.

You don't have to.

I already read it for us.
You just have to sign.

No, I really
don't understand this.

Like, I feel like I need to go
to brain camp or something.

What?
-Like, a brain camp.

You know,

where they make you do
exercises for your brain.

You know, when people
who have lazy eyes go...

Oh.
- ...and get their eyes worked out,

so that they don't have
to wear glasses anymore.

Mm-hmm. -They should
have that for your brain.

Like a brain camp.
No, really.

And you could go, and you lay
on a beach and get tan

and drink gingko balboa all day,

and then you come back,
and you're super smart.

It's gingko biloba.

Balboa was Rocky.

Right. See?

See?

That's why I need
to go to brain camp.

Any messages?

I don't think so.

But I've kind of been
in the zone here.

You weren't gonna mention these?

Why would I need
to mention them?

They're the first things
you see.

Micromacks?

I thought that Dave Cohen
was handling this merger.

No. The client said
he was too emotional.

They wanted a ruthless
law robot, so...

Micromacks.

All right,
get Dave on the phone.

I'm gonna need all materials,

and I want to set up
dates for deposition.

I don't know why
you work so hard.

The best part about being pretty
is that you don't have to.

I mean, you don't see me walking
around here

worrying about my job, do you?

Unfortunately, no.

That's because
I have a Stan, okay?

He works.

I come here because it's like

having a hobby
that pays well.

Hmm.
-Oh, and by the way,

your dad called to confirm

that you and he were still on
for drinks with Mark.

Who's Mark?

He's the guy I'm seeing.

Obviously, but which one?

The only one.

There's one guy?

And you're calling him "Mark"?

You never use their names.

What happened to Model Man Boy
and Dr. Not-So-Smart?

Gone.
-And the hot rabbi?

And the hot rabbi's hot cousin?
-Cut 'em loose.

You cleared the whole roster.

I cleared the bench.

Wow.

You haven't dated just one guy
in a long time.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's very new.
-Okay, okay.

No-no jinxies. I get it.

I mean, it's good that Mark
doesn't have a nickname, though.

It means he's still viable.

You haven't rejected him yet.

He's not a donor kidney.

That's not the organ
I was thinking of.

Hello?

Hi. Red or white?

Red or white? Red or white what?

Wine!

You didn't forget, did you?

Forget what?
-Dinner with Phil.

Oh, yeah, but you told me
that was next week.

No, I said it was
next week last week,

which means it's this week.
-I'm sorry, honey.

Tonight's not good;
I gotta work.

What? Again?

But this is the third night
this week.

The guys on the Canadian deal
want to do dinner,

so I'm just gonna stay
in the city tonight.

You know what?

Why don't I meet you
after your meeting?

What? -I'll drive in
to meet you in the city,

and I'll be there for you
after your meeting.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
you don't want to do that.

That... I mean,
it's sweet of you, but...

I don't mind.
We could have so much fun.

We'll go to that little
hot chocolate place

in the morning, and we can
just cuddle and sleep in.

That sounds so nice.
-You know what?

Screw it, I'm coming home.

Really?
-Really.

Aw!

Family comes first, okay?
-Yay!

I'll see you when I get back.
-I'm gonna make steak

and salad and then...

Shit.

Wow, look at you.

Hey.

How are you?
-Not too great, baby.

Oh, what's wrong?

The housekeeper called.

A pipe burst in the bathroom;
I gotta go handle it.

Oh, no.

You're going
to Connecticut now?

I gotta; there's two feet
of water in my basement.

Do you want me to go with you?
That'll be fun.

It's fine.
You-you go see your dad.

Well, I'll just see if he can
do drinks tomorrow night.

I won't be back
tomorrow night.

And what about meeting my dad?

I'm sorry, baby,
I gotta take a rain check.

Yeah, that's okay.

Well, don't be mad.

I'm not being anything.

What do you want me to do?

I want you
to go to Connecticut.

Really?
-Yeah, really.

All right.

Call me when you're
done being pissed.

That might be a while.

Great! That sounds good.

Hi, hon.

Here, you want this?

Oh, yes.

I'm switching to vodka.

Who orders gin?

Uh, well,
I couldn't read the menu

because I left my glasses
at Nina's.

Want to know who Nina is?

Not really.
-Indian girl.

Oh.
-Beautiful.

Very soft skin.

We met at Trader Joe's,

and she told me
about this naan bread.

When did you start
eating naan?

She's 24 and a dance major.

I eat anything she tells me to.

Ew.

Where's your guy?

I think we just broke up.

No.
-Yeah.

How come? -A pipe burst at his house,

and he went back
to Connecticut.

And is there a part
of this story

where he acts like a jerk?

It's the way he handled it.

You're just being paranoid.
-No, I'm telling you.

Something feels off,
and when I get this feeling,

I'm usually always right.
-Oh, please.

Every relationship
I've ever had,

something felt off.

Well, that's probably why

you're wrapping up
divorce number five

with one of my sorority sisters.

You really like this guy, huh?

So forget about all the bullshit
and go surprise him.

It's not bullshit.
-It is.

Put on something sexy,

get your ass
out to Connecticut,

and fix that
young man's plumbing.

�

� Close the door

� Turn the light off,
switch your mind off

� Make it right for me

� Pull the blind down,
try to wind down

� Take the liberty

Don't worry.
You look good.

Thanks.
-He'll love it.

Who?
-Whoever.

Here you go.
Thanks for the ride.

You need me to wait?
-No, I think I got it.

� We're gonna feel alive

� Come and give me your love

� Give your love,
we're gonna feel alive

� Come and give me your love

� Give your love,
we're gonna feel alive

� Come and give me your love

� Give your love,
we're gonna feel alive

� Come and give me your love

� Give me your love

� We're gonna feel alive

� Come and give me your love,
give me your love...

Hi.
-Hi.

I'm... looking for Mark.

Oh. What's this about?

I'm Carly.

You must be his housekeeper.

No, I'm his wife Kate.

Is this some kind
of stripper-gram or something?

Oh.

No. No.

You know,
I have the wrong address.

I'm looking
for a different Mark.

Mark Kink.

Mark King?

No, no, no, no, no.
No, it's...

Do you know...
he's the short guy, bald,

uh, lives a couple streets over,

one or two streets over,
on Clark.

There is no Clark Street.

Anyway, I-I...

Oh, my God!

Shit.

Um, I'll send you a check
for your urn.

Can't forget this.

�

�

What happened?

It's got to be
something big.

You were crazy about him
two days ago.

And it can't be the sex,
because you were a lot nicer

and your hair was
way more shiny.

He's got a wife, okay?
He's married.

And you don't think
you can take her?

That's not the point.
I don't do married guys.

I don't need to wreck
someone's home for a date.

Not always a wreck.

Stan and I were married
when we met.

We weren't happy.
Now we are.

You wrecked two marriages.

First of all, one of them
was mine, so that doesn't count.

Second of all,

Stan's wife was a fat Canadian

with no sexual charisma.

That marriage was doomed
from the beginning.

It doesn't even count
as cheating.

I don't think
that's how it works.

All I'm saying

is that I think married guys

would be the perfect fit
for you.

I mean, Mark was able to lead
a whole other life

without you even noticing.

I think you need someone
with something

that's gonna keep them busy.

Not a wife!

I don't do this.

I'm too old for this shit.

I've been dating for decades.

I'm over it.
I don't need this anymore.

Okay. Somebody's being negative.

I'm gonna go.

But I'll tell you
what my mother told me,

and these are words to live by:

"Selfish people

live longer."

I'm just saying.

Miss Whitten?
-Yeah?

There's someone here to see you.

Kate King.

Hi.
-Hey.

I'm Kate. I met you on Friday.

Yeah, I remember.

Sorry about your urn.

What are you doing here?

Um, well, I found your number
in my husband's phone.

Um...

Well, actually, the phone bill.

I saw the...

'Cause I couldn't crack the code
on his password,

which is fitting, because
obviously I don't know anything

that's going on in his life.

But, um, anyhow, so I'm here.

Um, I thought maybe
we could talk?

No, we can't.

If you have any questions
about your husband,

you should ask him.

Oh, well, well, I would,

but I'm pretty sure
he's lying to me

and sleeping with you.

So...

Am I right?

Oh.

Am I right?

You're sleeping
with my husband?

Sorry, I had no idea, I swear.

You're sleeping
with my husband?

Could you please keep it down?

Oh, gosh.

Okay.

Oh... oh...

Whoo...

I did not expect this

at all.

I thought that I would
come down here

and you would tell me
that I was crazy.

I did not think

that I would be right...
-Do you...?

...at all.

I mean, maybe a little.

In that too-horrible-
to-be-true kind of way.

You know, when you
say-the-awful-thing-

so-that-the-awful-thing-
doesn't-happen thing?

Whoo... oh...

Does this, um...

Does this open?

This window? Anywhere?

This... There's got to be a...

little latch or something.

Does this window open?

No, it doesn't
and for good reason.

If you're having a panic attack,

you should go outside
and get some fresh air.

You're gonna be fine.
-I'm gonna just

lay down for a minute.

Are you sure this window
doesn't open?

No, and you're
gonna be fine.

Listen...
This window.

Just... just open it a little.
Crack it.

Just crack it.
If you don't mind...

'Cause the br... air.

It's hot in here.

Just crack the window.

Okay, I'll tell
you anything

you want to know
if you just get up and leave.

Anything?

Anything.

Okay.
Here, help me up.

So, how long have you

and my husband
been seeing each other?

I don't know; a couple months.

So when... Did you
just start sleeping together?

Well, we were gonna try
to hold off for prom,

but we kind of got carried away.

We're adults. We had sex.

Okay. -I really don't think
that the details matter.

The details do matter
because there's a difference

between having sex one time

and having sex ten times.

Oh, my God.

Did you do it
more than ten times?

I think specifics
are a bad idea.

Okay, fine.

Gun to my head,

fifty.

50 times?!

Jesus Christ.

50 times?!
-Just...

You had sex with my husband
50 times?

Don't you have a job?

Or hobbies?

What is wrong with you?

Does this mean he's not training
for the marathon?

Yeah, no.

This is not okay.

I am part of Team King.

I quit my job so that
we could focus on his job.

I put off having kids

because he wasn't ready.

I went to China.

Do you have any idea

how far away China is?

Yeah. -And it's not
all Hong Kong either.

Lots of pollution.

So what do I do now?

So I'm, now I'm Barb Melman?

Barb Melman got divorced
and now she has cheek implants

and lives in a condo in Norwalk

and has to go on dates.

I am not equipped

to go on dates.

The last time I was single,
I was 24

and the dating pool
was everyone.

And now it's like
a shallow puddle

of age-appropriate men

who are old and gross

and I don't want to do that.

I know that you think
that it's that bad,

but honestly,

it's a lot worse.

You know why?

Because even
if you meet a nice guy...

and when I mean "nice",

I mean that he's, like,
not an obvious sociopath...

you can't even actually
get excited about it.

You know why?

Because it's just
a matter of time

before someone gets
bored and unhappy

and is saying that it's over,

and that's a happy ending.

A shitty ending is that
there's lying and cheating

and you ambush

Prince Charming's wife.

So you're saying
I should stay with him?

I'm saying that
everything fails eventually,

and monogamy is not natural.

If you can live with that,

like the French,
then go ahead and stay put,

but if you can't, then I suggest
that you get a game plan

and you leave.
-But what about

the people who try
to work it out?

Maybe that would be an option.

Cheaters don't change.

And if you work it out,

he's just gonna do it again,

and you're gonna end up
right back where you started,

wishing that you had left
the first time around.

But that's just me.

He's your husband.

What does your
gut tell you?

Jesus Christ.

That was just a burp.

Can-can I get some napkins?

That was throw-up.

Okay, okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay, great.

Come on, let's
get in the car.

Let's get in the car.
Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Bye! See you later.

Where are you going? -Bye.
See you, see you later.

Bye. I'm gonna go.

Hey.
Hey.

This is a bag full of vomit.

Wait, no.
It's not my first.

Okay, so...

Come on, let's get you
into the car. -Okay.

Let's get into the...
-Okay.

Okay, that's enough.
-Okay.

No, don't go just yet.

Just one kiss.
-Okay, okay.

One kiss and good-bye.
One kiss and good-bye.

Okay, that was it.

Okay, let's go.

All right, let's
get into the car.

Be very careful.
Careful.

No, I don't want to go.

No.
-Just put your foot down.

Please, please go.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, all right.
Let me just...

Wait a second.

How are you doing that?

What?

How are you...
Okay.

This way. Let's go this way.

There you go.

All right,
let me get you over.

It's a step down.

Step down, step down.

Okay, there you go.

You got it.
There you go.

Ow.

It's really nice
what you're doing for her.

Yeah, that's me.

Mistress of the Year.

Okay, Fernando, go, go, go.

Best night ever!

Ever!

Bye-bye!

Yes!

Holy shit.

Call me!

That is so weird.

�

�

�

My husband
likes this pasta.

Milk?

My husband prefers goat.

My husband likes
a meaty sauce.

�

...doing the Benson
depo on Tuesday,

but if we want it on video,

I need to get
a different court reporter...

Yes?
-Kate King is at security.

What?

Kate King.

I've got two
expert witnesses

lined up for
the Turner trial, um,

but I'm working on
getting a third

in case we need backup...
-Excuse me.

What's up, Leonard?

Hey, Miss Whitten.

Ray Charles over here
is trying pass herself off

as a blind woman...
-What?

...so she can get upstairs
with her dog, to see you.

Oh, no, I didn't.
-Really? -Yes.

No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.

Okay, I'll take all this... -I'm wearing
these glasses because I look like shit.

He saw the dog and drew
his own conclusions.

Listen, can you just... -That
did not happen, by the way.

And if I was Ray Charles?
-Okay, just get over here.

I would actually be blind,

and need this dog, so
thanks for making no sense.

...please come over here
for a second?

What is going on?
-I'm not French.

I-I had a little
Edith Piaf moment,

but the idea of worrying
about white shirts

and thin turkey and all of that

while pretending not to know
about his whores

is really, like,
throwing me into, like,

an all-American rage.

And, um, not that
you're a whore.

You're not a whore.

Okay, turn around.
-But you know what I mean.

Turn around.
-But you're not a whore.

Let's go outside.

I'm assuming
that you came here

because you think
that we're friends

and that I care about your
problems, but guess what?

I don't, okay?

I don't care about you or Mark
or your marriage or your dog

or anything in between.

If Edith Piaf rises
out of the grave,

and you have a threesome,
I don't flipping care.

I just wanted to keep you
in the loop.

I want out of the loop.
Take me out.

That's the whole point.

Okay?
-Okay.

Thank you!

Come on, Thunder.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, it's me.

D-Don't be mad.

Um, I just...
I-I just want to talk.

I thought maybe we could have
some dinner.

How do you know where I live?

Um, we followed you home,

but, um, I didn't want
to show up empty-handed,

so I brought some food.

Some food is right here.

How did you get
into my building?

We waited for someone to leave

and then we snuck in.

Hi.

What is your deal?

Do you not get
how weird this is?

I just thought we...
Maybe we could talk,

because, um, I, um,

because...

...because my whole
world just blew up,

and I don't have a job,

and I have no money

of my own,
and I honestly do not know

what I'm gonna do at all,

and I have no friends to talk to

because all of my friends
are Mark's friends,

and they'll blab,

and you are literally
the only person

in the whole world
who knows what's happening

besides me, and if I keep
talking to myself about it,

I'm gonna go crazy.

For real.

Like, really.
-I can't

talk to you
until you stop crying.

I want to.

Let me just...

I'm sorry.

I just am sad.

Then cry on the inside
like a winner.

Okay. -You cannot take care of yourself

unless you toughen up,

and as far as talking
to somebody

who won't blab,
I can give you the names

of three different lawyers.

Lawyers cost money.

You have money;
you have half of what Mark has.

Okay, thank you.

You're welcome. Are we done?

Done?

That wasn't even a conversation.

You mostly just yelled at me
the whole time.

Okay, look.

Yeah?

All right, if I let you in,
we are not

braiding each other's hair
and drinking cosmos.

No.
-You have one hour.

Okay.
-And I get first dibs

of whatever's in that bag.

Sure thing.

You can have a seat,
but please keep your dog

off of my furniture.

Thunder.

Thunder.

Get down.

Get down...

Get down.

Down.

Wow, okay.

That's great.

He's just a puppy.

Okay...

Well, have a seat.

Okay, well, I don't want
to sit someplace

where you and Mark had sex.

Is the ottoman okay?

Mm...

What about the chair?

If I'm totally being honest...

I just...
-Are you serious?

It's a window.

People can see in here.

Look, you're just gonna have
to pick a spot

and be okay with it.

Just have a seat.

Is that Mark calling?

Yes, it is.

Mark is in Miami, so why is
he calling you from Miami?

I didn't
even know he was in Miami.

Well, why is he
calling you at all?

I don't know that either.
I usually don't

call my boyfriends back
after I find out

that they have a wife.

So you haven't called him
at all, full silent treatment,

and he's still calling you?

I'm pretty certain
that's why he's still calling.

But what if he's calling to say

that he's in love with you

and he wants to be with you.
-I don't care.

Well, what if he's in love
with you and what?

I mean, has he ever said
that he-he loves you

and has he talked
to you like that? Or has he...

I mean, do you think
that he still loves me?

If we're gonna do this,
I-I need a drink.

I get it.
-What do you get?

Okay, you have
the perfect place,

and you are the
perfect girl,

and you could probably take off
all of your clothes right now

and have, like,
no flab and not need a wax

or anything and
just be ready to go.

My situation's pretty situated
at all times.

It's true.

And see, I am not situated.

I-I can't even remember
to shave my legs.

I need, like, at least
a week of prep, minimum.

Doesn't Mark see you naked
all the time?

No.

He doesn't?

No.

It's... No.

What's it like?

Is it, like, a '70s situation?
Is it like a...

It is like...

and I'm totally serious,

like, not...

No man likes that.

It's like a...

Just not...

I'm not saying
that you have to be bald

or anything like that.

I'm talking about, like,
a fig leaf.

That's all they want.

They just need to have

a pretty little patch

of happiness.

You know,

I am, like,

Martha Stewart...

Mm-hmm.

But, like, with big underpants.

Let me tell you something
about Martha Stewart.

She handled prison like a boss.

Thank you.
-That's right.

Right?
-Mm-hmm.

I still think, though,
that I am not ready

to compete with women like you.

Even though, technically,
I have been competing

with women like you all along.

I just didn't know it.

We're not in competition.

We got played
by the same guy.

I call it a tie.

Tequila or vodka?

I can't believe

I'm in the mistress's closet.

I am not a mistress.

A mistress knows that
she's dating a married man.

I... I didn't know,
so I'm not a mistress.

Can you say that, please?

Seriously, can you just please
say I'm not a mistress?

Oh, you're not a mistress.

Thank you.
-Sorry.

Try these on.
-Oh, my God.

These ones are very special.

I don't think we have
the same size foot.

This looks like
a box of bungee cords.

What it does is hold
your tits up.

That's so awesome.

This is like
a logic puzzle.

This would look
so hot on you.

I don't know why men
find these sexy.

Just put these on.

A mouse hammock.

A mouse...

And I'm always like,

why don't I just wear
the good T-shirt?

� Hold...

� We are young

� Ooh, ah, ooh, ah,
ooh, ah

� Heartache to heartache,
we stand

� Ooh, ah, ooh, ah,
ooh, ah

� No promises, no demands

� Ooh, ah, ooh, ah,
ooh, ah

� Love is a battlefield.

Wake up.

You're making out
with your dog.

Wake up.

What is he doing?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no!

I'm sorry.

Damn it!

Do you want me to get it?

I'm really sorry.

I thought I had him
that time.

Just send me
the cleaning bill, okay?

Believe it.

And you'll send me
the names of the lawyers, too?

Yeah, you still want those?

Yeah.
-Well, listen,

Mark's pretty shady, so if he
finds out you have a lawyer,

you're gonna become the enemy.
He thinks you're clueless,

and you have an edge, so use it.

Get your ducks in a row.
-Okay.

Thank you so much
for everything. -Sure.

I really appreciate this.

Yeah, it was fun.

Thank you.

Right.
-Thank you so much.

No problem. You're welcome.

Sure.

Okay.
-Bye.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Shit.

What?

Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

Did you... Why-why...

I thought you'd have
your phone off.

Then why even bother calling?

Well, why'd you leave
your phone on?

What do you need, Kate?

Well, it's not a big deal,

but you know how sometimes
you get, like a...

just like a hint

of a zit,
and then you just, like,

pick at it a little bit

and then you just keep
picking at it

and picking at it
until it becomes, like,

this soul-sucking,

life-ruining face crater

that you absolutely cannot hide?

You're calling me
because you got a zit?

Um, not exactly.

What the hell did you do?

It was an accident.

I, um...
-An accident?

I know.

Were you on PCP?

Okay, here's what happened.

I started digging around.

Everything was locked,
and I started thinking,

maybe he is shady,

and then I just
started thinking, like,

this whole room is filled
with lies and secrets.

And then it was like
this red mist came over me.

So...

You know how I told you

to get your ducks in a row?
-Yeah, I...

Well, this isn't putting
your ducks in a row. -I know.

This is putting your ducks
in a wood chipper.

Hold on.

Oh, shit, he's early.
-Who?

My brother, Phil.

Don't mention the
whole mistress thing.

Why? I feel like it's kind
of an icebreaker.

Hi, hi.
-Hey.

Who's this?

I'm Carmela,

Kate's decorator.

Yeah.
-Oh.

Really? When did
you fire Joel?

Joel? No, I didn't.
-Oh.

No, he's, um...

the... she's doing
all of the stuff in the...

on the feng shui in the house.

Remember? Um, we met
in Hong Kong... I told you...

Yeah, we bonded
over dim sum

and spatial reasoning.
-Yeah.

Two of my favorite things.

That's so smart
and funny.

That's really witty.

Ha-ha. That's funny.

So, um, this is my brother.

Remember?
-Yeah, you said that.

Yeah.
-And he's a contractor.

He's gonna go look...
-Oh, a contractor. Oh.

...at the office while you go...
-Of course.

Unless you want to stay;
I mean, you could help me

check things out.
-I would love to, actually...

No. That's okay.
- ...but it's kind of a tricky...

project.
-Yeah.

and I don't want to
complicate things, so...

Okay.

But it was really nice
meeting you, so...

Yeah, you, too.
I hope I see you again soon.

Carmela? Really?

Did you and Tony have fun
living in Hong Kong?

Or did Big Pussy and Meadow
miss you too much?

You know what? You're gonna
thank me for using a fake name.

You don't want Phil
mentioning to Mark

about your new friend Carly,
do you?

No, you don't,
so you are welcome.

By the way, what is up
with your hot brother?

No!
-What?

No, you can't have my husband
and my brother.

That's... No.

That's being very greedy.
-I think you're being greedy.

I'm being greedy?
-He's your brother.

What are you gonna do with him?

What was it like
in your house?

Was everybody like hot-hot Phil
in your family

or are most of them like you?

I'm cute-cute Kate.

And what about your father?

Leave my dad out of this.

I bet your dad's hot.

You and your vagina
need to just...

Kate?

Surprise!

I started redecorating.

What do you think?

What happened
to just painting it red?

Oh, red is so cliche.

I would expect that
from other guys

in their offices, but not you.

You deserve, you know,
something different.

Something better than that.

Oh.

It's good, right?

I think it's great.

You do?

I love it.

Really?
-Yeah.

Okay, because you know how I get
carried away with all the colors

and I'm doing...

I missed you.

How was Miami?

Miami was amazing.

The guys loved
your gift card swap idea.

SwipeSwitch?

And guess what?
-What?

Guess.
-What...?

What?

They're gonna put in
half a million as seed money.

Really?
-That's right!

We did it, we did it, we did it.

Oh, Team King.

I'll tell you all about it
at dinner.

With me?
-Yes, we're celebrating.

Just let me clean up real quick.

Okay.

Hey.

How's it going?
-Not good.

Why? What's wrong?
-We have a situation.

Okay, listen, if you killed him,
don't tell me.

I can't defend you
if I know you did it.

No, no, no,
I didn't kill him. No.

It's, uh,
something that rhymes with...

"schlintercourse."

What?!

You had sex with him?

No, of course not.

It's barely dark outside.

No, he's just, he's on a high
from the business trip,

and he's...

he's got that look in his eyes.

That...

That... You know?

That...

And I-I just don't know
if I can hold out.

Okay, what is going on
over there?

I don't know. I just...

The-The-There's been wine,

and-and hand holding
during dinner.

And, uh, it just felt so good
to be touched, you know?

Yeah, I do because he used
to touch me, too.

Aah! Why do you say that?
-Yeah.

A lot.
-I don't want to hear that.

Then why are you calling me?

For permission?
-No!

If you want to have sex
with your husband, just do it.

I'm just wondering,

like, what if I keep
my clothes on

while I'm having sex with him?
-Really?

What if, like, the-the top part
of me hated him,

while the bottom part of me

did all the dirty work.
What if he just put it in

halfway, and-and then I took
a really hot bath afterward

and just really cleaned up.

Kate, you're making a mistake.
-I know!

I'm trying not to.
-No, you're not, not really.

Yes, I am.
-Look, and if you're gonna cave

every time that
he pays attention to you,

then you know what,

just leave me out of it.

You can keep wasting
your own time,

but I'm done.

Fine, be done.

I am done.
-I'm done.

This is me being done.

Fine.
-Okay, good-bye.

Fine, well, forget I called.

Good-bye.

Kate...

you hold it together.

He is awful.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's good.

You taste good.

Oh, my God.

And you smell so good.

Okay, wait,
hold on one second.

What?
-Just one second.

I'll be right back.

Don't move.

�

� Cool jerk

� Cool jerk

� Well, I know a cat
that can really do

� The cool jerk

� I know a cat
that can really do

� The cool jerk.

Hey, baby.

Hi. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm still working.

Well, I'm not working.

And I am so freaking hot.

Um...

� Can you do it, can you do it,
can you do it, can you do it

� Can you do it, can you do it,
can you do it

� Can you do it,
can you cool jerk?

Oh, baby, send me a picture,
will you?

Okay.

Send me a few pictures.

I'll send tons.

We'll have the whole
weekend in the Hamptons

to work that out.

I miss you.

Oh, I miss you, too.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Honey, I-I gotta go.

I gotta go, baby.

Bill, I told you,
don't call me at night.

I'll call you tomorrow.

I'm sorry, honey.

It's okay.
The wine hit me wrong.

I have a splitting headache.

Really?
-Yeah.

Well, maybe I can make it
go away, huh?

Sorry, honey, not tonight.

"Sorry for the tough love.

"Do what you need to do.

I support you."
Yeah, right.

Bitch.

You okay?
-Yep.

You sure? 'Cause you're
talking to your phone.

I'm fine.

So, how's Carmela?

Bad.
-How come?

Because I said so, okay?

Why? Do you like her?
Because she is fired.

What's going on with you?

I... Let me...
Let me take a stab

and say that you
didn't fire her

because you realized
that feng shui is bullshit.

You shouldn't be
paying for that.

Okay, you know what?
Feng shui rules.

And there are so many people
in this world and in China

who love feng shui,

and feng shui is not
what you think it is,

and I hate that you
keep saying... -Katie...

...that it's dumb.
-I didn't mean it.

Feng shui is so good
'cause it's important to know

where to place things...
-Mm-hmm... Okay...

in order to make yourself
feel better.

Katie, sweetheart?

Katie?

What are you doing?
What is that?

See? See?

This is what happens

when Carly makes me cry
on the inside like a winner.

Katie!

Who's Carly?

She's Mark's girlfriend,
and not "friend friend",

like, "boning friend!"

Mark's cheating on you?

Like, 50 times at least.

Are you serious? With who?
-Or more probably.

Carmela, but only
her real name is Carly.

Is this some sort of Tyler
Durden Fight Club thing?

No!
-Are you Carly?

No...
-Is anyone Carly?

Phil, please focus, okay?
-I am focused.

I-I don't want to keep
explaining this to you.

Who... is...?
-Carmela is Carly.

The feng shui spatialist chick,
that girl?

Yes.
-Oh, my God!

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I never liked that guy.

I never liked that guy;
I told you that

before you married him,
didn't I?

I sat you down.
What a piece of shit.

Did you know she
was his mistress

when she was in the house?
When she was working here?

Okay, here's the thing.

I thought she was
his ex-mistress,

but it turns out
they're still seeing each other.

That makes sense.
-So I heard him

on the phone with her,

and then he comes to me,
and he's like,

"Oh, I have to go golfing

in Connecticut

with the Canadian crew."
Right?

Which is code.

For what?

Ca.
-Ca?

Ca.

Ca.
-Car...

Carly. Carmela.
-Carmela.

You're talking about Carmela. -Right.

And then she doesn't even know that
I know that they're still together,

and so she's pretending
to be friends with me,

but she's spying on me
like a double agent.

And you're letting her
pretend because...

Because that's how you run
a double agent.

Oh.
-I don't even know

if she's American.

I don't even know.

Listen, Katie,
if she's full of shit,

call her out on it.

Take care of that.
Deal with her.

And then deal
with the real problem.

Oh, Mark.

Yes, Mark.

Yes.

Okay, right. Mm-hmm.

Where are you going?
-I don't know.

I'm really happy that
we're doing this.

Are you?

How are you feeling?

I don't know;
how are you feeling?

Well, I feel like I owe you
an apology for the other night.

Do you? Hmm.
-Yeah.

I know sometimes I can be
more tough than love, and...

Can you?

Yeah, and I just wanted
to clear the air

and-and say
that whatever happens

between you and Mark
is your business.

Oh, is it?

Yeah. Are you okay?

Are you still sleeping
with my husband?

What?
-You heard me.

This is unbelievable.

No, no, no, no, no...
-I must be crazy to think

I could be best friend
with my ex-boyfriend's w...

You don't get
to ice me out.

No. No. Huh-uh. No.

What? What? What? -You
can't... you can't ice me out.

What are you gonna do?
-I am gonna ice you out.

Look, okay, here's
my ice shield.

What next? Are you
gonna pull out my weave?

Is that what's gonna happen?

Why don't you start
telling me the truth!

What, you want
to know the truth?

Your husband sucks!

I am not sleeping with him.

And the fact that you think
that I would really hurts.

Well, shit!
I don't know!

All I know is
what I heard,

and he's meeting
someone...

Then it's not me, so he must
be cheating on both of us.

Oh, my God, that's it.
He's cheating on us!

No, I was kidding about that.
-Yes! No, no, no.

If he's not seeing you...
which I'm so sorry

I said that, that was...
that was... that sucks,

I'm sorry... but if
he isn't seeing you,

he's seeing someone else.

Think about it, Kate.
Think about it.

Between the two of us,
he has a perfect woman.

What else would he need?

The one thing we're
not giving him: sex.

Kate...

Katie?

Time to go, sweetie.

Okay. Um, are you all packed
for all your business meetings?

I hate working on the weekends.

Oh... I feel bad for you.

Let me walk you out.

�

Bye.
-Mmm. Mmm!

Mwah!

Have a great weekend.

Okay. You, too.

Bye!
-Bye.

You look gorgeous, honey.
-Thanks, honey.

Safe flight!

I'll call you when I get in.
-Okay.

Don't forget.

�

�

Come on, let's go!

He's probably halfway
there already.

We're gonna lose him.

What is Thunder doing?
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Get in the car.
-Are you kidding me? I hate...

No, no! Oh, God!

Sorry.
-Jesus, that was...

I think that was... it
might have been his balls.

No.
-No, that was... Ugh!

�

�

I don't think we
should rush into anything...

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

When you're divvying up
friends in the divorce,

make sure you keep this one.

What are you... doing?

I don't...

You're not gonna see anything
through those hedges.

Get out of there.

You are being a very
negative detective.

Give me a boost up.

Look, he's not
gonna catch us.

Go higher. Go higher.
-Wait... I...

Go higher.
-Just look...

Oh, hell, no!

Now he's crossed
the line!

Come on! -What... what
is it? What's going on?

It's a Jetta.
-What...

It's a Jetta!
-So?

Only young, hot girls
drive Jettas!

I had a Jetta. -That's
what I'm talking about.

All right, okay...

Hi, there.

I just, um, I was out for a jog,
and my hammies locked up.

You know, when that...
happens, I...

I have to stretch.

I'm not Gumby.
-I just pulled over

for a little stretch.

Oh... that feels
so much better.

Yeah.

Yup.

That's, uh, a lot better.

Oh, yeah.

You just got to, like...

stretch it out...

Stretch it out.

Yeah.

That is... That is it!

If we are gonna keep doing this,
you have to tell me

what we're doing
and where we're going

and where we're going
and what's happening,

because I can't
take it anymore!

Let's go!

Oh, God!

Well, well, well,
look who's here...

the wife and the mistress.

I'm not a mistress.

Not technically,
anyway.

And she comes
in peace, so be nice.

All right, all right.

Come on in.

So, can I ask what the hell
the two of you are up to?

And, Katie, don't say
it's a social call,

because you haven't been here
since I've bought the place.

We think Mark has
another mistress,

and we're gonna go find her.
What?!

Mm-hmm.
I...

And-and what exactly
do you plan on doing

if you find this girl?

Don't come at me with
all your weird little

man logic, okay?

This is a one-day-at-time
operation, and today,

it's a light recon day.

A grappling hook?

Really?

Damn.

Look, I don't know
if you're here

out of some... morbid curiosity,

or if you and Kate
are the weirdest friends ever...

We are.
The weirdest friends ever.

But she's a good person.

And even though
Mark's an asshole,

they had something real.

And whenever she's done

running around with you, she's
gonna realize that that's gone.

And it's gonna suck.

So...

try not to make that part
any worse for her.

Okay.

Okay...

they are on the move.

Okay.

Nothing...

Mm...

Okay.

Whoops. He's up.

Wow. Really?
What's he doing?

Kissing.
Uh-huh.

Probably tongue.
Mm-hmm.

Probably enjoying.
-Great.

Okay, target is moving.
Target is moving.

Target is on the move.

All right.

Oh, look, he's wearing

those cute little shorts
I got him for Christmas.

Those look good on him.
-Okay.

I can't believe you're not
interested in this at all.

Just promise me
when you meet her

that you're not gonna, like,

lose your shit
like you did with me.

And don't say you didn't.
-I lost my shit,

but that's because
I was a mistress-virgin,

and you were the first one.

Now I'm all worn in
like an old glove.

Oh, shit, she's getting up.

Oh, my God.

What? What?!
-Holy shit!

Oh, come on!

What?

What is that?

Let me see.

Let me... let me see!

Okay, but you're
not gonna like it.

Aah!

�

Jesus! She makes me look
like I'm wearing a diaper!

Do you think she had that
made? -Are you kidding me?

No, she didn't have that made.
-That fits her really well.

When you have a body like that,
everything fits you perfectly.

�

Do you know what this is?
This is just

so unoriginal, Mark. -She
has a good stride. Wow.

So cliche.

�

I mean, she's, like, a perfect
ten. -She's pretty good.

Lemon tart, double-D...
-Maybe, like, an 11.

...obviously natural double-D.
-That's a triple-D.

It's, like,
a midlife crises mistress.

She's like a cliche version of
every wife's waking nightmare.

You have to admit
that's pretty good, though.

Seriously. -It's a...
Okay, great, it's fine.

She's beautiful.
But you know what?

Okay, at some point, you say,
"I play tennis", right?

You know what? How are you
not freaking about this?

But if I play against
John McEnroe,

then I expect to lose.

You know what?
-Right?

I am McEnroe!

What are you doing!

Where are you going?
Wait!

No!

Don't...!

�

What happened to being calm!

�

Carly! Carly!

Stop...!

�

I can't believe
he's been cheating on me!

Oh, boo-hoo!
He cheated on me, too!

You're the wife!
He's supposed to cheat on you!

Ow!

Oh, my God!

Ow!

Stop the grappling!

I'm strong when I'm mad...!

What's going on?

Hi.
-Hi.

I just can't believe

he'd lie to me.

I really thought
we were soul mates.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

I can't believe
I just said that.

You're his soul mate;
I'm a whore.

No. -You must hate
me so much right now.

But if it's any consolation,
right now, I hate me more.

I don't hate you.
I don't hate you at all.

I got all of that
out of my system

with that one.
How can you be

so amazing you could be friends
with your husband's mistress?

Yeah, it's like
a dream come true.

Seriously? -You know what, ignore her.

She's just working through
some stuff right now. She's...

she's kind of troubled.

But you smell amazing.
What is that?

I think it's just sweat.

You know what
the worst part

about this is?
You seem so nice,

and this whole time
he had me believing

you were the devil.

Wait, what?
-He said that

you cheated on him
and then asked for a divorce.

He said that I...

I was the cheater?
That's what he said?

Yeah.

Th-That I cheated?
I'm so sorry.

That is so...
Okay, well, that's...

What an asshole!

He's a liar, Kate.
Who cares what he says?

Because it's not fair.
And he made me

the bad guy.
And he's divorcing me?

You know it's not actually
happening, right?

Okay, but he could have
picked any scenario,

and he picks that one?

And he makes me
the villain?

And then divorces me
for fake cheating?

I shouldn't have told you.
I'm so sorry.

Honey, it's not your fault
that I married a monster.

You are innocent
in all of this.

Let's go back to Phil's.
Okay, let's go.

Wait... what am I
supposed to do?

You guys can't just leave me.

Mark's gonna
be back from the gym

any minute.
-We'll get your number.

We'll get your num...
-Can we keep her?

No, we can't keep her!
-We already have a dog at home!

You pulled my hair,
which is totally out of...

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

...you cannot
just make some...

Check this out.
Watch what I taught Thunder.

Thunder,
get me a beer.

Unbelievable.
-Wow!

That's crazy. It's crazy.
-It's a miracle.

That dog is trying to
break me. -He really is.

Good boy. Good boy.
-Thunder. Thunder.

So, how was the stalking?
-Thank you, thank you...

Thunder. Traitor.
- ...thank you, thank you.

How did it go, weirdo?

Oh, it was good.

We took a run on the beach,
we met Mark's new mistress...

Amber.
It was good.

22, super-hot.

Are you jealous?
-No, I'm not jealous.

You are.
-I just don't have, like,

an insane girl crush.

I think it's good
that she's super-hot.

I feel like it brings up
our group average.

This is not frickin'
Sister Wives, honey.

Are you sure that
you're not angry?

Because letting it out
is a whole lot better

than having to tell
the cops you didn't mean

to hug her to death.
-Ha, ha! You're so funny!

Oh, my God!

You'll see when
you meet her.

What? When I meet her?

�

Up high.

Oh, you look so pretty!

You look so pretty.
-It's really...

Bad. It's just bad.

I love your hair...

So, what's that
up there?

That's the best part
of the house.

Yeah.
You're gonna like it.

Come on, I'll show you.

I'm so happy
that I met you.

You're such
a good girl.

Mark's an asshole.
-He is.

�

Right?

Wow.

I know exactly what
I would do with it.

What?

I would put
a coffee table right here,

so that I could have
my morning coffee.

Not there. You can't.
It doesn't work.

There's too much morning sun.
It would blast you.

No, this is where I would
want to exist... right here.

Looking at that.

You sure?

Yeah.

I'll think about it.

You better.

Okay.

� Shortie in the back,
short-shortie in the back

� Short-shortie in the back
of the club

� And she's banging

� Shortie in the back,
short-shortie in the back

� Short-shortie
in the back of the club

� And she's banging
so pretty...

I got to admit,
Kate might actually have a point

about her bringing up
the group average.

� Shortie in the back,
short-shortie in the back...

Do you guys care if I smoke?

No... I kind of
want one, too.

Since when do you smoke?

Since whenever I want to smoke.
-Yeah!

This ought to be good.
-I swear,

if we find any
more mistresses,

I'm gonna have to
send her to rehab.

� Like a blazing light

� Our dreams ignite

� Across the sky

� If you feel it in the air

� Oh, if you feel it
in the air

� Then you're already there.

Don't worry, we
didn't hook up.

We didn't?
-No.

Oh, thank God.
-Nah, you took

your clothes off to
go skinny-dipping.

Really?
-Yeah. You girls started in

on the tequila, and it all
went downhill from there.

I couldn't get you to
keep your clothes on,

so I had to button
you in backwards.

Shut up.
-Yeah.

So let me get this straight.

I came into your bed naked
and tried to molest you,

and then you made
a straitjacket

and a pillow fort
to protect yourself from me.

Yeah.

Oh, my God,
I've hit rock bottom.

Aw, don't
worry about it.

We were pretty out of our heads,

and I like to think
I'm a good guy. So...

So you needed the pillows
to resist me.

Let's say I was hedging
my willpower.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Good morning.
Good morning.

What are you guys doing?

Phil went for a run, and
Amber's making frittatas.

Have you packed
your shit?

'Cause I want to get on the
road before traffic starts.

No. 'Cause that means

I have to go home
and deal with Mark.

You know what sucks?
I was thinking...

is that he should be
the one freaking out,

not me, because
I didn't do anything,

and instead, he's totally fine,
and I'm sitting here

with the two of you,
pretending not even

to know you, and then

on top of it, I have to
get my ducks in a row.

So what do you want to do?
-Okay, this may sound wrong,

but I kind of
want him to hurt.

I want to be the
one who makes him

start a whole new life

because I took it
away from him.

I want him to feel
what I feel, but worse.

So you're talking about
maximum pain, right?

We should kick him in the balls.

You know, that's, like,
a really good thought,

and actually, I like the way
your brain works,

but I think
we're thinking

about... something a little
bit bigger than that. Yeah.

You know what, it doesn't
really matter anyway,

because he's always
gonna wind up on top,

because he's a killer
and I'm not.

That's not true.

You know that.
You're not alone in this.

You have us.
-Exactly.

When you put the lawyer,
the wife and the boobs together,

you got the perfect
killing machine.

I do?
-Yes.

I know how assholes
do asshole-y things.

You do. -And you know
how Mark does everything,

and Amber knows...

We're gonna find out
what Amber knows. Yeah.

Wait a sec, what
are you saying?

What I'm saying is that
if you want to take him down,

then let's
take him down.

We have him surrounded.

Surrounded.
-And if we put

our brains together...
-The three of us.

...the three of us can be
just as shady as he can.

I am in.
-Are you in?

I'm in!
-Yeah!

� I come home
in the morning light

� My mother says, "When you
gonna live your life right?"

� Oh, Mother dear,
we're not the fortunate ones

� And girls,
they want to have fun

� Oh, girls just want
to have fun...

Hi, honey.

Mmm!

Tastes different today.
What'd you do?

Added kiwi.

Mm. I like it.

I'll keep adding it.

� Oh, Daddy dear, you know
you're still number one

Mmm.

� But girls,
they want to have fun

� Oh, girls just want
to have fun

� Huh, huh

� Just want to,
they just want to

� Have fun
� They just want to

� They want to, oh, girls � Girls
just want to have fun...

I was going crazy without you.

I'm sorry
for being such a jerk.

No. No, no, no.
-You know what?

I overreacted.
-No.

No, I did. I really did.

It was just that you
were coming to meet my dad...

I know.
- ...and I've just been so worried about him.

He's been going through
so much with this divorce,

and I just...

Sorry. Do you mind?
I'll just be a second.

No. That's fine.

Mike.

No, I was setting the mike.

N-Never mind.
What do you want?

I love this tie.
-Thank you.

What is it?

Okay. Hold that thought.

I'm sorry.

Um... where were we?

My dad's divorce.

Right.

You said you're worried
about him. -I am.

Mm. -He's gonna have to give
this woman half of his money,

half of everything he has.
And she does nothing.

She just lays around
the house all day long.

I mean, he has been
working his whole life,

and she is just going
to take half of it.

It's not fair. -But he can't
give away what he doesn't have.

Are you saying that
he should hide his money?

Not hide. Lose.

I don't really understand.

Maybe I should just
tell him in person.

You would do that?

Whoa. The... ah...

Are you okay?
Actually, no.

We should get out
of here. Now.

Please.
Really?

Yeah. Okay.

Come on.

Uh...
You okay?

Something's not right.

Um... you should go.

I'll call you later. -Do
you want me to wait for you?

No.
-I don't mind.

No, it's fine.
It's good, it's good.

Oh, shit! Oh...!

Oh, come on! Oh...

Oh...!

Oh!

Oh...!

Oh, God.

That was painful.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh...

Hey, buddy?

Can you help me out?

I need you to buy me some pants.
-Ah, things

got really tough in there, huh?
-Yeah.

I'm a 34-inch waist
The fit doesn't have

to be perfect.
And I like blue.

Or green!

You still there?

Hello?

What happened to you?

I had a fecal incident.

I needed some pants,
and the only person

who didn't try to rob me
was a hipster.

I'm sorry, did you say
you had a "fecal incident"?

Like you pooped your pants?

Yes, Kate,
exactly like that.

I shit my pants.

And you know what,
sweetheart?

It's about to happen again,
so if you don't mind...

I'm gonna go see if
our toilet can take a punch.

� Don't say sticks and stones,
they might break your bones

� But the nine millimeter,
it will bore your dome

� I'm talking about...

You found it!
I did.

Come on, sit down.

Is your shirt see-through?

Yeah, the girl at the shop
told me that sheer is

the next big thing.

And your Indian girl
didn't veto that?

I haven't seen her.
We didn't have

that twinkle,
you know what I mean?

I like sheer shirts.

Dad, this is Amber.

Hi, Amber.
Hi.

Hi. Um...

Mmm... mmm...

I'm fine, thank you.

I'm, like, really okay.

Thank you.
I hate being touched.

Where are we?
Seriously.

What is this, like, Saigon?
Don't make fun of 'Nam.

Let me tell you something,
best years of my life.

This place is awesome.
My neck was so tight.

What's it called?
No Hands. Isn't it great?

Watch this.

You see? No hands.

Okay, I can't put
my finger on it,

but there's definitely
something very wrong with that.

So, um, okay, what's up?

What's this big mystery
you want me to solve?

Well, hypothetically,

if I wanted to protect
my money by losing it,

what would I do?

Losing it?
Yeah, losing it.

You're not working with the
hypothetical Feds, are you?

No! Why, do you have
a problem with the Feds?

Actually, don't tell me.
What's this guy do?

He develops start-up companies.

Ah, the Chuzzlewit Pinch.

Oh.

He ain't losing money,

he's robbing it.
Mm.

I'll tell you what you do.

Look for blind offshore filings.

Like in Switzerland
or the Bahamas.

If I was gonna "lose" money,

that's where I'd do it.

Can I get another drink?

You okay, baby?

Need my help on this?

No.

I got this.

Stop frowning
before you break your face.

Better?

I don't know.
That's your Evil Genius smile.

Is somebody
about to get screwed?

You screw me, I screw you back.

I'm a lady like that.

�

A three-way?
Yeah.

I don't know.

Please?

Come on,
you'll love Dana.

Dana?

It'll be so hot.

I think it'd be
a game-changer for us.

Oh...

All right,
if you really want to.

Yes! Thank you!

Dana.

Baby, this is Dana.
Hm?

What?

No...

I knew you'd love her.
-God!

Mm...

What the hell?

Kate?

Kate!
Yes?

Look at this.

Oh, looks like you put on
a little bit of weight. Yes.

And have you ever seen
shit like this?

What?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Don't-don't do that.

Are they sensitive? Does that hurt? Yes.

Tune in Tokyo.

It's...

You know what?

It just looks like
you're a little bloated.

Bloated? I have boobs!

These nipples look like
they've done hard time

in Africa feeding
some village.

Okay, I think
you're overreacting.

They're straight
out of the Congo!

Let's just tape them up;
we'll put some tape on them...

No! I can't go to work
with my tits taped!

Where are you going?
To do some push-ups.

Did you want this smoothie?

And he's back
to sexting like a freak.

Oh, my God,

I wish he would stop sending
so many pictures.

Every time I pick up my phone,

it's like getting flashed
on the subway.

Okay, try living under
the same roof with him.

All I get is surprise penis.

What is wrong with him?

It's like his sex drive
is tripled.

Nonstop, right?

I thought you said that
you were giving him hormones.

I am!

Enough for
a pre-op transsexual.

He must be taking Viagra
by the handful.

I don't know how much longer
I can last,

because now that sex
is off the table,

we actually have to speak
to one another,

and I think he's getting
a little suspicious.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, maybe one of us should
just sleep with him.

Are you crazy?

No!
No, just to, like,

let some steam out of
the pot. Please don't.

Please, please,
keep the lid on the pot.

So you don't think
I can handle it?

You know what,
I'll do it.

What?!

Yeah, no,
I'll take one for the team.

No, you think that
he's an evil sociopath.

He is, he is,
but it's better me than you.

I can weather a little hate sex.

I'll do it;
I don't have a lot of feelings.

Come on.

Okay, you guys have
no faith in me.

Oh, my God, I have a friend
who could do it.

No! No, no, no.

We are not gonna hire a hooker
to sleep with my husband.

She's not a hooker,
she's just a slut.

No, okay, we're done here.

I'm gonna do it.

I am gonna do it.

If you do it, I do it.

Yeah, me, too.
Fine.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Winner has sex
with my husband.

Really?

Yep, it's the
only way.

One time,
or two out of three?

One time.

All right.

Well, Amber wins.

You okay with that?

Oh, yeah.

I couldn't be more okay.

What?

� Here I am

� The one that you love

� Askin' for another day

� Understand the one
that you love

� Loves you in so many ways
You are so

full of shit.

� Ooh...

Kate!

Hey!

Where have you been?

Are you okay?

I've been trying you
all day long.

Okay, can you open
the door for me?

Wow.

What is going on?

� I promise this one
will go slow...

Wow.

This is what
it's come to, huh?

I think I'm having
a nervous breakdown.

Is it ever gonna get any easier?

Yeah.

It will.

When?

Well, it's gonna suck
for a little while.

You know?

But then it's gonna
suck a little less,

and then one day,

that ring is
just gonna be a ring.

You're gonna take it off,

and it's just gonna be something
that you used to wear.

I hope so.

Katie?
What's he doing?

He's supposed to be
with Amber. Oh, shit.

Katie, I'm home!
Go in there.

No, there's no room
under the bed.

Okay, I'll go here.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'll go here. I'll go here.

No, I can see you.

Go out the window.

Go out the window.
Get out the window.

Honey?
I'm not getting out the window.

Katie?

Um...

No, you can't get in there.

I'm ticklish, I'm ticklish.

Hi, sweetie, you're home early.

Uh, I-I cancelled.

What-what's all this?

Oh, you know, just, um,

sometimes I like to put on

my dress.

It's pretty.

You do?
Yeah.

You know when you just feel
like, your, like, normal clothes

are, like, blah,
and you're just like,

"Oh, I wish I had a costume"
or something?

You know when you get like that?

No.
No?

Not really. No, but...

Why don't you come to my
investor dinner this weekend?

We'll get dressed up
Mm-hmm.

and you can see firsthand
what I've been doing

with all your great ideas.
Okay!

Okay, I'm gonna get us
a couple of drinks.

Scotch okay?
Oh, yeah.

That'd be perfect. Thank you.

Get out!

Be careful.

Wait, wait, no! Wait!
No, no, no. Okay.

Sorry.

Ow.

Big year, buddy.
Great job.

Thanks. Kate, you remember
my partner Nick.

Yes, hi.

It's been ages.

Good to see you again.
You, too.

This is, uh, Cece.

Kate's the one who gave us
the idea for SwipeSwitch.com.

Oh, my God,
I am obsessed with that idea.

I can't wait for
that site to go up.

Wow, thank you.

That really means a lot.

Thank you, that's nice.

She's my little idea factory.

Maybe you should've picked
her brain about ServiceCircuit.

Is that still circling
the drain?

More like the toilet,

but the potential's there, Nick.

We should try and make it work.

How much?

Two million.

All right, we'll talk about it.

But if the two million
doesn't work,

then we're
gonna shut it down.

Thanks, man.
I-I appreciate it.

Don't sweat it. You made us
a ton of money this year.

Nobody bats a thousand.
That's true.

On that happy note,
who needs a drink?

I do.

Sweetie, you want another?
-Can I get you one?

I'll have a double. Sure.
Sure, I'll go get it.

See you in a bit.

Okay.

She's lovely.

She is.
Mm-hmm. Is it serious?

Uh, no.
No?

Well, I was sorry to hear
about you and Julie.

Me, too.

But, uh, the lawyers say

it's all very, um, amicable.

So fake it until you make it.

Something like that.

Katie!

Come on.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Wow.

Mmm.

Whoa.
Nice.

This is pretty.

Mmm, did you ever think,
when we had

that shitty little apartment
on Charles Street

that we'd end up here?

That wasn't a shitty apartment.

That was a great apartment.

Don't you remember
how tiny it was?

And remember we had the
bathroom in the kitchen?

And every time I
flushed the toilet,

the shower would
get really cold.

I hated it.

I loved that apartment.

It just seems like everything
was so simple then.

You know?
Mm-hmm.

I was happy.

And I just wanted you to be happy. I am.

Are you?

You can tell me.
I won't be mad.

What? I wouldn't even
be me without you. I...

I might not always
get it right, but...

I'm exactly
where I want to be.

Do you promise?

Hi! Hi!

I'm so glad you're here!

We have so much to tell you.

Major breakthroughs.
Whoa.

Major breakthroughs.
What is all of this?

Amber got Mark's password
off the nanny cam,

hacked into his computer
the night she was supposed

to have sex with him.
So you saw him? Yeah.

He came over after work and
he had his computer with him.

Did you have sex?

No.

I know I said I would,

but you looked so sad
when I won,

and I couldn't do it.
No.

Tell her what you did.
I chickened out,

and I said I had chlamydia.
That's right, bitch, chlamydia!

No.
She gave him chlamydia.

He can't even have any sex

till he finishes his Z-Pak.

Yay.
-Mark's not just

a cheating scumbag,
he's also a thief.

Look what I found.

This is a list of all
of the start-up companies

that Mark has invested in.

Three are offshore, but only
one was a blind filing.

No board of directors.

It has a P.O. box
for an address,

and it's been operating at
a total loss in the Bahamas.

ServiceCircuit.

This is it, Kate.
No, that can't be right.

Mark was talking about
ServiceCircuit last night.

They're putting more money

into it.
That's part of the con.

All we have to do is find out
the bank he's using.

No, I was with the
board last night,

and they seem really happy.

Mark is making them rich.

He's stealing, Kate,
and making money for them

is just one of the ways
that he does it.

Okay, wait, Kate,
what's going on?

Nothing, I just think

that it's more complicated

than we thought.

You slept with him, didn't you?

One night?

You go right back
to being a Stepford?

What am I supposed to do?
That's great.

He must have literally
screwed your brains out.

So what? Maybe you just have
to forgive people

in order to move forward.

But he didn't ask you for
forgiveness, now, did he?

Maybe if you
had something to lose,

you would understand how hard
this is for me? Like what?

Like a cheating husband
of my own?

Both of you, stop.
You know what,

things shifted this weekend.

It was different.

So you don't know.
Really?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna see
if Mark wants to hang out.

What's wrong with you?

Everything.

Everything is wrong with you,

and you know what,
I feel like an idiot right now

for trusting you over him.

I am done.

Kate, wait.

But nothing from
Amber either?

No, and I feel like
if Amber won't talk to me,

then... I obviously
I did something wrong.

I think you're being hard
on yourself.

I don't know, I can't tell.

I care so much,

and-and then it just comes out
so harsh.

Well, you know,
what the hell do you know?

You get it wrong all the time.

Sorry.

I'm usually a fun date.
I am.

I'm having fun.
Yeah?

Not a lot of it, but some.

You should think
about being nicer to me.

'Cause I'm not certain
I really like you yet.

I think you like me.

Do I?

Hey.

Mmm.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

No, don't get too close to me.

I think I'm getting sick.

What's wrong?

I went to the doctor.

He gave me a Z-Pak.

He said there's something
nasty going around,

and that you should
take one, too.

That's for you.

A Z-Pak? I'm not sick, though.

Well, that's why you
take it beforehand,

so you don't get sick.

It's prophylactic.

Oh, honey,

I need you to sign
some papers for me.

If you could do it today,
that'd be great.

There's no need to read it;
it's just the usual stuff.

It's, uh, boring stuff
from the accountant.

ServiceCircuit again.

Also, I'm traveling.

I'm going to Miami
and the Bahamas.

Did you just say something
about the Bahamas?

I'm sorry.

No, I feel so awful.

Well, no, no.

You were right about everything,

and he's still lying to me,

and he's still treating me
like I'm blind, and I'm not.

You're not.
You're not.

Okay, I found this.

They're wire transfer
instructions

for a company in the Bahamas.

Mark is flying down this week.

You said that
all we had to do

was find out where
he banks, right?

So let's go to the Bahamas

and let's get him.

Kate, I'm sorry, but I...

I can't.

I can't stay in this
Mark moment forever.

I can't,
and if I'm investigating him

or if go to the Bahamas,

then I'm still involved, and...

I just can't do that anymore.

I'm sorry.

No, okay, I get it.

No, okay.

Okay, I just, um...

Hey.
Hmm?

Thank you.

For what?

For basically...

forcing me to be your friend.

You wanted to be friends
with me, too.

You just didn't know it.

Yeah, well...

You jumped out
of a window for me.

You pushed me.

I shoved you.

Hard, too.

Okay, I'll keep you
in the loop?

Okay.

Bye.

I'll be damned.

�

Oh...

Ooh, sorry.

Katie! Kate!

You guys came!

You think we could
let a sister down?

We're getting the band
back together.

You know those
bank transfers you gave me?

They were for ServiceCircuit,

and guess whose signature

is all over
the ServiceCircuit paperwork?

Mark's.

No.
Yours. You're the CEO.

He used you to
create the company.

The son of a bitch put
everything in your name.

He's neck-deep in fraud,
and if anything goes down,

Oh, my gosh. they're gonna
come after you first, okay?

Oh, my gosh.
You're his fall guy.

You could even go to jail.

I can't go to jail.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Turn the car around. Nobody's
actually gonna go to jail.

Turn the car around.
No, no, no.

No, I am not Martha Stewart.

I will wind up in gen pop.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, you're not going to.

Turn around.
I'm not gonna let you go.

I can't join a gang! You're
not gonna join a gang.

I don't know how to make shanks.

I have soft hands
and a small mouth!

Okay, okay, seriously.
I will be the bottom.

Where are you going? No,
no, get back. I don't want

to make license plates!
You're not going to jail, okay?

Please, turn the car around!
Okay, come here.

Go back...
I promise!

Go back! You're not gonna go to jail.

Sit down.
My name was all over everything.

Well, that's the good news.

That's the good news.

Your name's on everything.

What are you talking about?

Do you know what she means?
-No.

What I mean is we need
to find Mark and his bank.

I know where he is.
He's at the One & Only.

Perfect.
Then we're halfway there.

� Bubble butt,
bubble, bubble, bubble butt

� Bubble butt, bubble, bubble,
bubble butt

� Bubble butt,
bubble, bubble, bubble butt

� Turn around, stick it out,
show the world you got a

� Bubble butt,
bubble, bubble, bubble butt

� Bubble butt, bubble, bubble,
bubble butt

� Bubble butt,
bubble, bubble, bubble butt

Do you see him?

Not yet.

How do you know he's even here?

GPS does not lie.

You guys, I think
I see a dolphin.

Got him. I got him.

� One bat, two balls,
swing it like cricket

� Pull me locks, slap my ass,
make me show you how me wicked

� Baby, baby, make me tell you
'bout the body, yah...

Right there.
Where?

12 o'clock.

Okay, now what?

What are we looking for?
What's the clue?

How about that clue?

Oh, my God, he's taken
this shit international.

Oh, come on.

I swear to God, every time I
look into a pair of binoculars,

this guy has another mistress.

You think he has more than one
on the island?

Who cares
about the island?

Where else has he traveled?

Please don't tell me Thailand.

Why can't he just stuff it
into a tube sock

like a normal guy?

I have so many
lotions at the house.

� One little boy got kissed
by the other one

� Show me the money or the
money got the other one

� Bang

� Bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang

� One little boy got kissed
by the other one

� Show me the money or the
money got the other one

� Bang

� Bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang

� They say time is precious

� Spend all you want

� As long as you pay up

� No kiss if you don't...

Well, there it is.

The end of the road.

Well, if we don't leave
till tomorrow,

I say it's our turn
to take this shit international.

� All I want
is a bilingual boy

� To love me in both languages

� Talk to me in Spanish

� When we're getting started

� Then English
when we're close to the end

� All I want
is a bilingual boy

� All I want is
my bilingual girl.

Aah!

That was so much fun!

So much fun!

Can we get three punches,
please?

Three punches.

Three punch.

Hey, come join me.

Me?

Yeah, you.

Come on...

What? No.
Come on.

Okay.

Who you sending
that selfie to?

I just started seeing someone.

Mmm! Yeah?

It's completely crazy,

and I don't know
where it's going,

but we just have that twinkle,
you know?

Right.

I do know.

You know what?

I think the best thing to do

is just not think
about it too hard.

As long as it works,

it doesn't really matter why.

Hey!

Oh, God.

�

� When life has cut too deep

� And left you hurting

� The future you had hoped for
is now burning

� And the dreams
you held so tight

� Lost their meaning

� And you don't know if
you'll ever find the healing

� You're gonna make it

� You're gonna
make it

� And the night can only last
for so long

� Whatever you're facing

� If your heart is breaking

� There's a promise for the ones
who just hold on

� Lift up your eyes and see

� The sun is rising

� The sun is rising

� The sun
is rising

� The sun is rising

� Every high and every low
you're gonna go through

� You don't have to be afraid,
I am with you

� In the moments you're so weak
you feel like stopping

� Let the hope you have
light the road you're walking

� You're gonna make it

� You're gonna
make it

� The night can only last
for so long

� Whatever you're facing

� If your heart is breaking

� There's a promise for the ones
who just hold on

� Lift up your eyes and see

� The sun is rising...

� There's gonna be
some rainy Sunday

� Wishing

� One day I'll

� See you again

� That I'll

� See you

� Again

� Ooh...

� Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh

� Ooh, ooh, ooh.

� Start spreading the news

� I am leaving today

� I want to be a part of it

� New York, New York

� These vagabond shoes

Hi. Can I help you?

I can help you.

Mark King to see Miss Whitten.

Mark? Hi.

Are you the famous Mark?

Well, I must be.

And you are?
Lydia.

Lydia.
I get it.

Things are coming into focus.

Good things, I hope.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Miss Whitten asked
if you wouldn't mind

waiting in the conference room.

Uh...
Right this way.

� And find I'm a-number-one

� Top of the list

� King of the hill

� A-number-one...

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Hi, Mark.

Oh, no.

Hi, Mark.

Oh, boy.

This is awkward.

I want a divorce, Mark.

No.

Don't do this, Kate.
I love you.

It's too late for that.

Please don't do this.

Have I made mistakes? Yes.

Big ones.

Huge ones.

Okay, but when you sleep
with that many people,

it's not a mistake, honey,
it's pathological.

It is, but we can work it out.

I can change.

You can help me change.

How many were there, Mark?

Affairs?

You're looking at it.

Okay, one more.

A couple, maybe.

Uh... I don't know, three?

Five, maybe.

What do you want me to say?

I-I-I get more ass
than a toilet seat.

I'm insecure. I have issues.

But it's not like
I cared about any of them.

They-they were all flings,
and they knew it.

Except for Carly.
We-we were exclusive.

You told me
you were getting a divorce,

and that we were
moving to Tuscany.

I did say that, but nothing
I ever told you was true.

Mark, you're a real piece
of shit.

Yeah.
Yeah.

And no matter how many women
you sleep with,

or how many cars
or clothes you buy,

nothing will ever be enough
to fill up

that hole inside of you

where something real should be.
Yeah... it's big.

You are an empty man.

Mm-hmm.

If you weren't as
disgusting as you were,

I probably would've never known
that I needed to change.

Mm-hmm.
I realized that with you.

You're so much better
now, though. Thank you.

You already changed.
You're so much better.

Anyway, speaking of changes...

What is this?

Divorce papers.

We valued everything
you own, Mark,

and that number at the bottom
is your joint net worth.

You girls think you're gonna
shake me down for all my money,

you're crazy.

Not all, just half.

That's what equal partners get,
50 percent.

Although we did have to
significantly reduce your share.

Whoa, whoa...

whoa, whoa, whoa,
what-what is this?

Why does it say zero?
Why is that even on here?

You mean the money you stole
from ServiceCircuit?

I don't know anything
about that.

Yeah, it's funny.
Neither did I, but apparently,

I'm the CEO.

I'm the CEO
of several companies, actually,

but sadly,
I had to empty those accounts.

So you're broke.
E-E-Empty?

Empty what? What are you...
What are you talking about?

How did you...
-We looked, that's how.

That's what happens
when you piss people off.

Well, uh, so what?

You-you robbed me.

You three girls, you robbed me.

No way. I don't buy it.

You don't have it
in you to rip me off.

No way.

Are you sure about that?
Yes.

Didn't you notice our skin?

That nice Bahamian glow?
-It was incredible.

It was. Husbands, I swear.
-But he didn't even notice.

Honestly, Katie,
I don't know

what the hell's going
on with you. Hmm.

But for your sake,
I hope you're lying,

'cause your signature's the one
that's all over those contracts.

You're the one that liable,
so don't threaten me, honey,

because if you did empty
those accounts,

you're the one
that's going down, not me.

We thought
you might say that,

but then Carly
explained to me

a concept
called restitution.

Think of it as payback.

I mean, that's how
we framed it with Nick.

Oh, you-you framed it with Nick?

Oh, you included Nick.

Bullshit!

Now I know you're...
Hey, Nick!

Hey, man.

I... What?

I...

I don't know what they told you.

They're having some kind
of group breakdown here.

They didn't tell me
anything, Mark.

They showed me.

It's over.

I'm gonna get my ideas

direct from the
factory from now on.

What? From-from her?

What is this?
This some kind of joke?

What-what-what,
you're firing me now?

Firing you?
That's the least of it.

The only reason
you're not going to prison

is because your wife
gave all the money back.

What? Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.
You're all lying.

It's bullshit.
It's bullshit.

Global bullshit.

I call bullshit!

Bullshit!

My wife's not some
criminal mastermind!

She needs freaking brain camp!

That's-that's my money!

Oh!

You know what, Mark?

You're not a very nice person.

Shut up!

Mister... Get away, get away, get away!

That can't be right;
it's a trick.

It's a trick.

No!

No!

No! No! No! No!

That's my money!

You won't get away with this.

You won't get away
with this!

Oh...

Excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, hey, buddy!

I'm here! I'm here! Stop!

It's already hooked.
No, no...

Come on,
it's barely in the red.

It's already in the air, guy.

That's a $300.000 car, asshole!

Well, I guess you
can afford it, then.

Welcome to New York.

You get back here! You...

You...

See?.. this!.. this!

You son of a...!

Oh, could this day
get any worse?!

Really?!

What?

Next time, call a plumber.

� Gold teeth, Grey Goose,
trippin' in the bathroom

� Blood stains, ball gowns,
trashin' the hotel room

� We don't care

There she is!
Hi!

� We're driving Cadillacs
in our dreams...

Hi. Hi!

You, too! Hi!

What a cute dress.

Thank you.

Hmm!

Hi.

Can I make a toast?

Here's to having friends,

friends that love

every part of you. And even
though it brought us together,

let's never sleep
with the same guy again.

Good idea. Never. Ever. Never.

Cheers.
Love you guys.

� I'm... I'm... I'm...

� Coming... coming...

� Out... out...

� I'm coming

� I'm... I'm... I'm...

� Coming... coming...

� Out... out...

� Oh, oh, oh

� Yeah

�

�

�

� I'm coming out

� I want my girls to know

� It's time we take control
� Oh, oh

� Baby, you're coming

� I'm coming out, I'm coming

� I want my girls to know

� It's time we take control

� I'm coming

� For too long
I put up with your lies

� And your lame ass alibis

� No more, no more

� For too long
you kept me in the dark

� I won't let you
break my heart

� No more, no more

� IGGY AZA, yeah, "L" in the
middle like Monie to the EA

� All of my exes
mad 'cause they was playing

� So I hit my homegirls
and told 'em I can't stay in

� Spotlight stuck on me,
that's how it seems

� Stepping out, Diana Ross,
no Supremes

� See it took about an hour
just to fit into these jeans

� And I don't see no end
or future or what it seems

� I bet you're wishing
that you had me back

� And knowing my frame down
when you catch a track

� So could you please tell
anyone to catch a stack?

� And I heard that the new girl
that you have is whack

� I've been where...
what you holler them about?

� Money talk, keep quiet, baby,
let your dollar shine

� And I got what you want,
bet I'm never running out

� Checking in, there is space
in the Benz, I'm coming out

� I'm coming out
� Coming

� I want my girls to know

� It's time we take control
� Oh, oh

� Baby, you're coming

� I'm coming out
� Coming

� I want my girls to know
� Oh

� It's time we take control

� I'm coming

� I was so wrong to think
that you would change

� And I let you run your game
no more, no more

� I was so wrong
to get a second chance

� But I finally understand,
no, no, no

� I'm calling my girls,
I'm calling my girlfriends

� They're all telling me
move on, move on

� Girl, it just ain't worth it

� So be out by the weekend

� Pack up all your...

� I'm gone, I'm gone

� 'Cause you just don't
deserve it

� I'm coming out
� Coming out

� I want my girls to know
� Out

� It's time we take control
� Oh, oh

� Baby, you're coming out.

�

� Drift into the morning

� Lose yourself
within the moment

� Life is so sweet

� Life is so sweet

� Hands to the sky

� Leave your worries
for the night

� Life is so sweet

� Life is so sweet

� Floatin' on a clouds

� My daddy taught me how

� How to shine, shine,
shine, shine, shine

� Passion in the air

� Bodies movin' everywhere

� Paradise

� Party keeps on going

� And the drinks just
keep on flowing

� In ecstasy

� You next to me

� Floatin' on a clouds

� My daddy taught me how

� How to shine, shine,
shine, shine, shine...

� Passion in the air

� Bodies movin' everywhere

� Paradise.

�

�