All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S11E13 - Friends and Enemies (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme plays]

[airplane passing overhead]

Ahh!

[sighing]

-♪♪ [symphony]
-[screams]

Charles.

-♪♪ [continues]
-Charles!

Hunnicutt, please.
I'm listening to music.

-So is all of Korea.
-If you don't like it,

you are not only free to leave,
you are encouraged to do so.

Believe me, Charles,
if it weren't for this
ingrown toenail,

I'd be out of here
at the speed of sound.

-Now turn that garbage down!
-Garbage?

That garbage happens
to be by Gustav Mahler,

one of the greatest
composers ever.

-♪♪ [continues]
-Sounds more like
he's decomposing.

-Mail call!
-Please come in!

For you, Major. Careful,
it says "fragile" on it.

-Ah, my records!
-What records?

-More Mahler.
-Ooh, I love Fats Mahler!

No, no. This is his brother,
Gustav.

This is his masterpiece,
"Kindertotenlieder."

Nah, that's not one
of Fats's tunes,
unless that title

-is German for
"Your Feets Too Big."
-No.

It's German for
"Songs on the Death
of Children."

Charles, you're not gonna
play that now, are you?

Of course not.

-This one's not over yet.
-♪♪ [volume increases]

-There it is!
-Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Oh, it's the record player
I ordered!
-Ahh!

Finally! Oh, Klinger!

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Where are the records?
I ordered records with this.

Do you like Fats Mahler
singing about
a kindergarten teacher?

I don't believe this.
It says they're being sent
separately in four to six weeks.

What good is a record
player without any records?

I'm telling you something,
if it's records you need,

Major Winchester just got
some stacks of wax.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Wounded in the compound.

You are hereby called to arms,
broken, shattered and missing.

Well, here we go.

What's a kid from I-Corps
doing at the front?

The only wounds they're supposed
to get are paper cuts.

-Prep him fast.
-Better take this one
P.D.Q., Margaret.

-Corpsman, over here!
-Hey, how's a fella get
any service around here?

Well, I'll be snookered.
Woody Cooke, you old buzzard.

Sherman. You know I've been
planning to pay you
a surprise visit.

-But this isn't exactly
what I had in mind.
-What happened?

I tried to catch a piece
of shrapnel in my leg.
It didn't work.

Don't worry.
I'll get my best leg man
on it right away.

I believe you have
the Epsom salts and water,
straight up.

Just what the doctor ordered,
Father. Thanks. Corpsman!

Well, I hope it helps.
Though I must admit,

these aren't the types of soles
I'm used to dealing with.

Hunnicutt, how is he?

He's just fine, Colonel.
Believe me.

His leg's in a lot better shape
than my foot.

Hard to figure.
Woody's such a tough old coot,

I always thought a bullet
would take one look at him

and hightail it
in the other direction.

-How long have you
known him, Colonel?
-We go back to W.W.I.

Just a couple
of raw kids when we met.

He turned out to be one
of the best friends I ever had.

He also turned out to be lucky,
which is more than I can say
for his driver here.

-How's he doin'?
-Hard to tell.
Next few hours may be rough.

Why were they so close
to the fireworks anyway?

The last time I heard
from Woody,

he was grousing about
being stuck behind
a desk at I-Corps.

I'm happy to report
the joint is empty!

Good. I'm finished here.

If you fellas can get along
without me,

I wanna be with Woody
when he wakes up.

I got some 3-0 silk for you,
Dr. Winchester.

I noticed you were running low.

I shall always cherish
this moment.

Well, Charles,
what are friends for?

Friends? If pressed,
I would say that you
and I coexist.

Now can we skip ahead
to the inevitable small favor
that you are going to ask?

Well, now that you mention it,
I got this new record player,

and I don't have anything
to play on it.

I do.
And you still don't.

Here we go.
[groans]

I saved the bullet for you,
Zurilli.

You ought to make
a charm bracelet.
You lead a charmed life.

-How about my men?
-Nothin' serious.
You're all pretty lucky.

Yeah, I guess
you could say that.

-Hey, Doc, who's
your C.O. around here?
-Colonel Potter.

He's right over there.
You want him?

No, never mind.
It'll keep.

Wouldn't it figure?

Thirty-four years in combat
without even a skinned knee,

and two months
after they stick me

with that lousy I-Corps
desk job, I'm a casualty.

So what were you doing
out from behind that desk?

I'm in charge of petroleum
and oil and lubricants.

I had to go up and straighten
out a fuel supply snafu.

That's a pretty hot area.

Why didn't you send
somebody else?

Sherman, you know
how this man's army is.

If you want something done
right, you gotta do it yourself.

Congratulations, Corporal.

I can officially pronounce
you a lifetime member of life.

I was really scared up there.

When the shooting started,
all I wanted to do

was to get our jeep
and get the hell out of there.

Colonel Cooke wouldn't let me.

What do you mean,
he ordered you to stay there?

Well, not exactly.

Uh, before I had a chance
to argue, we got hit.

Next thing I remember
is waking up here.

KELLYE:
Major,

should I keep Private Radatz
on penicillin?

Well, he happens to be a patient
of Dr. Winchester's.

You can ask him, but I'd be
surprised if he were willing
to even share an opinion.

-Ooh! Ooh!
-[gasps]

-Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry!
Is that your bad toe?
-Mm-hmm.

-Are you in terrible pain?
-No, no, Margaret.

I'm brushing up on an old
Mill Valley rain dance.

-[groaning]
-[screams]

Congratulations.
You've just been awarded
the Purple Toe.

From now on I'll look both ways
before crossing post-op.

♪♪ [singing]

That's how they won
all those wars.

-♪♪ [continues]
-They kept singing
till the enemy gave up.

It'd be fine if
the colonel's playmate
would just stick to singing.

What do you mean?

I had a talk
with Cooke's driver.

I got the impression that
when the fighting broke out,

Cooke ordered him to stay
where he was instead of
running for cover.

Is that a fact?
One of my patients told me

Cooke wandered into the area
and started giving orders
to their sergeant.

I'm gonna take a little tour
of the rumor mill.

I'll go with ya.
[gasps, laughs]

Shouldn't you keep that toe
off its feet for the next
couple of days?

Yeah. It's not my feet
I'm worried about.
It's my ears.

I'm gonna be stuck here
for two days with Winchester

and his dead children's
glee club.

Well, if it'll make you feel
any better,

wrap that bandage
around your ears.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

♪♪ [Charles humming]

[turntable spinning,
needle scraping]

♪♪ [humming continues]

♪♪ [humming continues, stops]

[scraping continues]

Hunnicutt, have you been
listening to my records?

You've got to be kidding!

Obviously you left that on
when we went to the O.R.

Oh, good heavens,
this must have been running
for over half a day.

I hope there's no damage.

-♪♪ [symphony]
-My prayers are with you.

[record needle scraping]

-Gee, that sounds
even better to me.
-♪♪ [stops]

This needle
is completely worn down.

My last one! Take me weeks
to get another one.

I can't begin to tell you
how I feel about that.

-[knocking]
-Come in.

-Am I disturbing you?
-Oh, evening, Pierce.

No, I was just tryin'
to track down something
for Woody,

a photo of the two of us
at our old division's
costume party.

We went as Roy Rogers
and Dale Evans.
Oh, here it is.

See? I was Roy.
Woody had better legs.

-Uh-huh.
-[chuckles] Yes, sir.
Those were the days.

Maybe Woody's not ready
to put those days
in his scrapbook.

What are you getting at?

I had a talk with Woody's
driver,

and he told me that he wanted
to get out of that area

when the fighting started,
but Woody ordered him to stay.

Then another kid told B.J.
Woody wandered in

and ordered the company
to defend a ridge.

That's how they all got wounded.

Tried to ask their platoon
leader about it,
but he wouldn't talk at all.

It seems that Woody
caused a lot of trouble
for a lot of people

-in an area where he shouldn't
have been in the first place.
-Is that so?

I know how hard this
must be for you to hear--

What do you know about anything?

All you've got is three
flimsy stories based on
a lot of hearsay.

Woody Cooke is
a damn good soldier,

and I'm sure he had
a damn good reason
for what he did!

And it ain't
to be judged by a bunch of
wet-behind-the-ears brats

with chips on their shoulders.

And that goes for you too.

-I'm just trying to--
-That'll be all, Captain.

-Would you at least let me--
-I said good night, Pierce.

[chattering, shouting]

If I don't find a way
to hear some music soon,

I'm gonna lose
what is left of my mind.

Why don't you ask Margaret
to let you play your records
on her new record player?

I'd sooner share my toothbrush
with a Democrat.

Maybe you could go over
to the "O" Club,
play 'em on the jukebox.

Nobody there this early.

That is tantamount
to asking Michelangelo

to paint the ceiling
of Woolworth's.

You know, maybe this is
a blessing in disguise.

I'm stuck here in the Swamp.
You're stuck without your music.

This is a perfect opportunity
for us to get to know each
other.

So tell me, Chuck,
where'd you go to high school?

Mahler on a jukebox.

Hmm.

Koussevitzky will impale
himself on his baton.

[shouting]

Hey, Goldman. Psst!

Come here a minute, will ya?

-Can you do me a favor?
-Sure, Doc. What?

Take this. Throw yourself
a little party in the "O" Club.

-Invite all your friends.
-What's the catch?

Hey, no catch.

It's just a normal,
generous offer from
a fellow human being.

But, uh,
if the subject comes up,

you don't know where
you got the money.

[shouting continues]

Hey, gang, drinks on me!

[shouting]

Hey, Doc, what are you doin'?

Taking out the trash.

Major, I know what kind
of music you listen to.

All that weird stuff by guys
playin' the "philharmonica."

[scoffs] Private,
why don't you toddle back

behind the bar and crush
some ice with your head?

[all laughing]

What a terrific idea, Roy.
A party in the middle
of the day!

Igor, let's have beers
for everyone! I'm buying!

-[all shouting]
-Hey, how 'bout some music?

[shouting, chattering]

♪♪ [symphony on jukebox]

-[groaning]
-WOMAN: Who put that junk on?

Turn off that longhair barf!

Wait, wait.
Now wait, wait.

If you'll just listen
to this music for a moment,

-I'm sure it will grow on you.
-MAN: Ah, man.

-[groaning]
-Ooh, God!

How about listenin' to this?

-♪♪ [stops]
-[cheering]

-[laughing]
-[cheering continues]

Sherman?

Sherman?

Oh. Sorry.

You said I'd be out of here
in a couple of days.

You planning on making
a move before I go?

You know, Woody,
there's still something
I don't quite understand.

-What's that?
-When the fighting broke out,
how come you hung around?

If it was me,
I'd have skedaddled back
to I-Corps where it was safe.

Sherman, it was a damn good
thing I was there.

That unit had
a whole ridge wide open.

Their officers were out
gallivantin' who knows where.

I couldn't leave those kids
without any leadership.

You could have gotten
a lot of people killed,
including yourself.

I had no choice.
But to tell you the truth,
Sherman,

I was doing fine,
just like old times again.

You know, we can still show
those young bucks a trick
or two, huh?

[whispering]
Psst, psst, psst, psst!
Margaret!

Is Major Scrooge there?

No. No, he's not.
As a matter of fact,

that's what I want
to talk to you about.

I don't even want
to talk about that slimy,

selfish,
insensitive gutter worm!

-What is it?
-I just thought
I should warn you

that wormy's planning
to ask if he can borrow
your new record player.

-What?
-I thought you'd want to know.

I don't-- I don't believe
the nerve of that guy.

After the way he talked
to me in O.R.,

-I wouldn't loan him
a cup of air.
-I don't blame you.

You should have heard what
he said about you after O.R.

Oh? And exactly what was that?

Well, when he found out
his record player was broken,

he said, "No problem."

He'd just con you out of yours.

-Oh.
-I believe
his exact words were,

"All it'll take is a few
shiny beads and some
shallow flattery."

He said that?
He brings me one shiny bead,

and I'll flatter him
with a steamroller.

-Thanks for the warning.
-Hey, what are friends for?

Lieutenant, can I see the chart
on Sergeant Zurilli?

-Sure, Colonel.
-Oh, that's okay, Colonel.

I just checked him out.
He had a low-grade fever.

I don't want to hear it
from you, Pierce.

I want to see for myself.

Charles, it's simple.
Just go over there
and knock on the door.

Say, "Margaret, you look
ravishing tonight.

"I brought some records
for us to listen to.

I know you're going
to love them."

Hunnicutt,
no matter how desperate,

a Winchester does not grovel.

Don't think of it as groveling.
Think of it as manipulating.

That we do. But don't you think
she's going to be suspicious?

I mean, after all,
I was a trifle abrupt
with her earlier.

Well, don't go
over there empty-handed.

Bring along some insurance.

Hunnicutt, what a good idea!

How'd you do that?
[chuckles]

Last time I was in Tokyo,

I picked up some tacky little
gifts for our cook back home.

Here we are.
See? See? See?

Oh, those are great.
Margaret'll love them.

Really? You think so?

I mean, granted, the woman
is no Rhodes scholar,

-but do you really think
she'll fall for--
-[sprays]

-That?
-Oh, sure.

I mean, she's a real sucker
for, you know,

shiny beads
and shallow flattery.

The antibiotics should take
care of your fever, Zurilli.

-Are you having any pain?
-No, sir.

Headaches?

No, sir.

Sergeant, they tell me
you were in charge when
your unit was attacked.

Yeah. They told me that too,
sir.

Oh? Did something happen
you want to talk about?

No, sir.

Look, Zurilli,
this is very important

for the good
of everybody involved.

I don't know what
you're talking about, sir.

Son, if there were casualties
that could have been avoided,

you owe it to your men
to bring it to light.

Okay.

My C.O. ordered us to keep
clear of that ridge,

the one where we got hit.

Next thing I know,
Colonel Cooke shows up,

tells us to defend it.

I tried to explain
what was going on,

but he gave me a direct order.

We never would have ended up
here if he hadn't taken over.

How come this hasn't been
reported to I-Corps?

What's the use?
Even if we had,

it'd just get whitewashed
along the way

by somebody who's
a friend of Colonel Cooke's.

Then why didn't you report it
to somebody here?

For the same reason, sir.

Oh, what an unusual gift!
I just love it.

Really? Well, Margaret,
the moment I saw it,
I said, that's you.

Oh. [gasps]
Perfume!

Charles, it's...
[sniffs]

Oh, it's just so scented.

You sure do get
your money's worth.

And if I use too much,
I can simply fan away
the excess.

-[laughs]
-[laughs] I do hope
these gestures of goodwill

will make up for any offhand
remark I may have made
in the O.R.

Oh, Charles, really.
You know I'm not one
to hold a grudge.

Of course not.
You're far too gracious
for such pettiness.

In honor of our
renewed friendship,

I've brought along a little
something to play on your
phonograph.

-I'm sure that you're
going to love it.
-How sweet!

Oh, Charles, I think there
is just one thing I should
tell you.

-Yeah?
-You lay one finger
on that record player,

and I'll tie your arms
and legs in a bowknot

and stuff you in my footlocker!

-Beg pardon?
-Shut up!

Do you really think
I'm stupid enough to fall
for this garbage?

Sickening perfume
and a cheesy fan?

[chuckles]
I didn't think the fan
was all that bad.

Take your goodwill gestures
and ship them back to Goodwill!

-But Marg--
-How dare you think
you can con me

with shiny beads
and shallow flattery?

"Shiny beads and shallow
flattery"?

-♪♪ [jazz]
-Evenin', Colonel.
What can I get you, the usual?

Yeah.

You know how it is
with us old folks.

Get our heads set
on something,

and there's no changing
our minds.

I'm sorry I barked
at you like I did.

Forget it.

You know, when a man
has lived as many years
as I have

and has spent most of them
hoppin' around the world,

he doesn't have a lot
of close friends his own age,

especially friends that go back
as far as Woody and me.

A lot of them have died
or just drifted off.

I really cherish
the friends I got left...

maybe so much that I've
developed a blind spot.

Well, if Woody's really
a friend, isn't it more
important

that you may be saving his life?

It may be more important,

but it sure ain't easy.

All right. That's it!

That ungrateful
bubble-brain bimbo!

-Charles?
-What?

What is it?
Is something wrong?

Well, when you conceived
of your master plan,
Hunnicutt,

you did not include the fact
that the woman is a raving
maniac!

Really? Well, gee, I'm sorry
that didn't work out.

But, you know, I'm sure
that if we put our heads
together,

-we can come up
with another plan.
-[knocking]

-Charles?
-What do you want?

I've come to apologize.

The more I thought about it,
the more I realized

that I behaved
like a raving maniac.

[coughs]
Well, I wouldn't say that.

The least I can do is share
my phonograph with you.

How nice of you.
Margaret!

Isn't that nice of her,
Hunnicutt?

Oh, oh, oh, look.
I wouldn't want to impose
on you two.

Perhaps you'd be
more comfortable

listening to your music
in Margaret's tent.

And leave you in your condition?

B.J., the least we can do
is keep you company.

Yeah. We wouldn't dream
of leaving.

Now, what would you
like to hear, Margaret?

Oh, I don't know, Charles.
Whatever you like.

Anything you like
is fine with me.

-What about one
of those death things?
-What a good idea.

Matter of fact, I have
a particular favorite.

It's called
"Kindertotenlieder."

-Hmm.
-I think you're going
to enjoy this thoroughly.

I know I shall.

-♪♪ [symphony]
-Um...

Isn't that nice?

We can just all sit here
and listen to this lovely
music...

and get to know
each other better.

So, where did yougo
to high school?

Hey, bartender,
what's takin' so long
with the drinks?

Comin' right up.

I think you're stalling.

Can't face another
humiliation at checkers, huh?

To tell you the truth, Woody,

I don't feel much
like playin' tonight.

Yeah. I guess it isn't so much
fun when you lose all the time.

I was thinkin' maybe
we should spend a little
of that time talkin'.

Good.

I'm gonna ship out tomorrow.

Well, who knows when we'll be
able to get another chance
to just sit and chat again.

Here's to you, Sherman,
for being such a good friend

through three wars
and everything in between.

You know, Woody,

you and I have a lot in common.

Yeah. I always thought so too.

Here we sit, two old warhorses

almost at the end of the trail.

From here on out,

if we don't stay on our toes,

it could cost somebody a life.

What are you getting at,
Sherman?

I'm talkin' about what happened
at the ridge, Woody.

Well, what about it?

You stepped in
where you didn't belong,

and some innocent people
had to pay for it.

I did what I had to do,
and I'd do it again.

That's why I belong there.

Those green kids didn't know
what was goin' on.

They knew, Woody.
You didn't.

And that's what I'm gonna
have to say in my report.

Report?

Sherman, you can't be serious.

I'm afraid I am, Woody.

Maybe I did overstep
my bounds a little.

But can't you just let it slide?

There's a kid in post-op
who's sure

I'm gonna let it slide
because I'm your buddy.

And there are two others
who got injured because of you.

You don't understand, Sherman.

With a report like that,

there's no chance I'll
ever get into action again.

That's exactly
why I've gotta do it.

When the chips are down,

who can you count on, Sherman,

if you can't count on
your old friends?

Woody, this has nothing
to do with friendship.

You bet it doesn't.

Not anymore.

Woody, don't you think we've
been through too much

to let it end like this?

I didn't end it.
You did!

-Evening, Colonel.
-Pierce.

-You look like--
-A man who just lost
his best friend.

Sorry.

-So am I.
-♪♪ [symphony]

Makes me appreciate the friends
I got left all the more.

-[Margaret laughing]
-Buy you a drink?

-Nope. You can buy me two.
-[chuckles]

♪♪ [continues]

♪♪ [theme plays]