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1
00:00:01,566 --> 00:00:04,047
♪♪ [theme]
2
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[airplane passing overhead]
3
00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:45,436
You fellas look like
walking advertisements
for rigor mortis.
4
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,916
You feeling all right?
5
00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:49,266
If only I had the strength
to drop dead.
6
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:51,442
If you two would stop
carousing all night,
7
00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,531
you might feel better
in the morning.
8
00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:54,967
For your information,
Margaret,
9
00:00:55,011 --> 00:00:56,665
we went to bed at 10:00
last night.
10
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:59,363
And at 10:15,
10:30--
11
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,800
-What are you talking about?
-Charles snores!
12
00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:04,977
We would have gotten a better
night's sleep at the front.
13
00:01:05,021 --> 00:01:07,371
-Good morning!
-I wouldn't bring that up
for a vote, if I were you.
14
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:09,112
Not unless you want to
see a show of fists.
15
00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:12,246
Charles,
for the sake of our sanity,
which is iffy at best,
16
00:01:12,289 --> 00:01:14,335
why don't you go sleep
someplace else tonight?
17
00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:16,859
-How about the V.I.P. tent?
-Sorry, boys.
18
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:20,732
That room's got
the ocupado sign out for
my son-in-law tonight.
19
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:22,517
Your son-in-law's
coming here?
20
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,563
Who booked his trip,
the Marquis De Sade
Travel Agency?
21
00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:27,478
Nope. He's here
on a business trip.
22
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:30,002
And if Klinger gets
the last of the red tape
tied up,
23
00:01:30,046 --> 00:01:31,526
he'll be here today.
24
00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:34,442
-[chuckling]
-What's so funny about that?
25
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:37,706
Oh, I was just thinking.
26
00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:41,144
Charles Emerson
Winchester III snores.
27
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:44,365
-[continues laughing]
-No, Charles does not snore.
28
00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,280
Since I have never snored
in my entire life,
29
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,282
why would I start
all of a sudden?
30
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:51,589
If, of course, I had.
Which, of course, I haven't.
31
00:01:53,591 --> 00:01:56,464
Good news, Colonel.
I-Corps just cleared
your son-in-law.
32
00:01:56,507 --> 00:01:58,640
Hot po-taters.
When'll he be here?
33
00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,163
He's wrapping up
a little business in Seoul.
34
00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:01,773
He should make it
by lunchtime.
35
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:03,862
Isn't that nice?
I can't wait to meet him.
36
00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:05,560
What kind of business
is he in?
37
00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:08,171
Import gifts.
You know, little doodads
38
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:11,043
that sort of sit around
the house and look cute.
39
00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:13,350
No doubt the sort of
rare treasures displayed
40
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:16,005
at the gift counters
of finer gas stations
everywhere.
41
00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:17,920
Oh, stuff it, Winchester.
42
00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:20,705
Anyway, his company
opened up a branch in Tokyo.
43
00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:23,578
Somebody had to come out and
check the new corporate digs.
44
00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:25,797
So Bob pulled some strings
to get to Seoul,
45
00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:28,104
and I pulled some more strings
to get him here,
46
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:31,716
and now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna get myself spruced up.
47
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,632
I'll get the V.I.P. tent
ready, sir.
48
00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:37,200
Geez, you guys look awful.
49
00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:38,680
You really ought
to get some sleep.
50
00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:41,465
We were up all night
listening to a kazoo concert.
51
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:46,427
Boy, how come I always
hear about special stuff
after it's too late?
52
00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:49,081
-[knocking]
-Coming.
53
00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:51,736
-Oh, it's you.
-Oh, sorry to
disappoint you, sir.
54
00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:54,652
I just thought you might
be wanting your afternoon
son-in-law.
55
00:02:54,696 --> 00:02:57,220
-Bobby!
-Hey, Pop.
It's great to see ya.
56
00:02:57,264 --> 00:02:59,266
Oh, you look wonderful.
57
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:02,138
Klinger, why don't you
take Bob's stuff
over to the V.I.P. tent.
58
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,096
-I'll show him the way later.
-Yes, sir.
59
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:08,188
It will be
an honor and privilege
to carry civilian clothes.
60
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:09,972
Look at you.
61
00:03:10,015 --> 00:03:12,801
You're spiffier than
a petunia in a patch
of chigger weed.
62
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:14,933
You look pretty terrific
yourself.
63
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:18,198
You know, I always
told Mildred, "You keep
an eye on that boy.
64
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,591
He's gonna be somebody
one of these days."
65
00:03:20,635 --> 00:03:25,074
I seem to remember
something in there
about hell freezing over.
66
00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:27,729
[laughs]
Well...
67
00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:29,644
that was a long time ago,
68
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,689
and we've both done
a lot of growing up.
69
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:33,822
Here. I got a present
for you, Pop.
70
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:36,172
Figured it'd be
a handsome addition to
your Zane Grey library.
71
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,000
Oh.
72
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:40,263
I picked 'em up
at our factory in Seoul.
73
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:42,613
We make all sorts of
brass knickknacks there,
74
00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:44,528
mostly out of melted-down
shell casings.
75
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:46,443
It's too bad they can't
skip the middleman,
76
00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:49,054
make the knickknacks
and throw away the bullets.
77
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:52,536
Thanks, Son.
That's very thoughtful of you.
78
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:54,277
Sit down.
79
00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:58,281
Oh. I've got
something for you, too.
Somewhere around here.
80
00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:00,675
Oh, you didn't have to
get me a present, Pop.
81
00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:04,461
I swear it's someplace here,
and I know you're
gonna love it.
82
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:08,726
It's a little hand-carved
picture frame that
the local folks make,
83
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:11,555
and I put a snapshot in it
of the whole family.
84
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:13,992
Thought it might keep you
from getting lonesome when
you're on the road.
85
00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:15,994
Gee, that sounds great.
Thanks.
86
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:19,563
Uh, I probably stuck it
in my office someplace.
87
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:22,174
Well, don't worry.
I'll find it before you leave.
88
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,351
So, you're enjoying
your trip?
89
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:28,224
Yeah. It's been interesting.
But I'm kinda tired.
90
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,966
I was gonna give you
a tour of the camp right off,
91
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:34,099
but it isn't going anywhere,
so why don't you take
a little nap first?
92
00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:37,015
-Gee, thanks.
-Come on. I'll show you
your bunkhouse.
93
00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:40,280
Unfortunately,
there's more bunk than house.
94
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,674
Eh-- Pardon.
95
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,808
Please be sure to change
Private Grotowski's dressing
every four ho-- [sneezes]
96
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,723
-Bless you.
-Charles, you sneezed.
97
00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:51,508
That's right. You did.
You sneezed.
98
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:52,901
Gentlemen,
how astute of you.
99
00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:53,989
Your years of
medical schooling
100
00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,033
have not gone to waste
after all.
101
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-Flowers.
-An allergy.
102
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:57,993
That could be causing
your snoring.
103
00:04:58,036 --> 00:04:59,908
-Where did these come from?
-I picked them just
this morning.
104
00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:01,344
They're blooming
all over the place.
105
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:02,911
-Are you having trouble
breathing?
-Actually--
106
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,174
You know, that could be why
he's never snored before.
107
00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:07,481
Just take an antihistamine
until the flower season is over.
108
00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:10,048
Gentlemen and Margaret,
as a physician,
109
00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:13,704
I'm fully aware that
pollen can cause certain
allergic reactions
110
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:16,272
which,
in certain circumstances,
can lead to snoring.
111
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,621
-However, in this case,
that cannot be the case.
-MARGARET: Why not?
112
00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:19,101
Because I do not snore!
113
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:21,233
Charles, what is the big deal
about admitting it?
114
00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:23,366
A lot of people snore.
115
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:26,021
A lot of people
dribble soup on their chins
and vote for Democrats.
116
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:29,633
Hey, Doc, you snore?
Did you ever try
sleepin' on your stomach?
117
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,809
[groans]
118
00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,681
♪♪ [ragtime]
119
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POTTER:
Well, here's to you, son.
120
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,078
Huh? Who's in Tucson?
121
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:41,863
Pierce,
if you're so dog tired,
122
00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:43,734
why don't you go back to
the Swamp and sleep?
123
00:05:43,778 --> 00:05:46,346
I'd rather sleep here.
It's quieter.
124
00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:50,262
I'll never forget when Evy
first started bringing
Bob around.
125
00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:54,354
-Which was easier than
bringing you two around.
-Sorry, Colonel.
126
00:05:54,397 --> 00:05:57,748
He came to the house one night
all gussied up in a new suit.
127
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,968
He was friendly.
He was polite.
128
00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,797
Called me sir.
I didn't buy it for a minute.
129
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:06,453
I figured any man
with all that sugar-coatin'
had to be a pill.
130
00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:10,195
You know what's funny?
I wasn't too crazy about you
back then either.
131
00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:11,980
Really?
[laughs]
132
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:14,983
Ain't that a hoot?
Why was that?
133
00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:17,986
Well, I don't know.
I just thought
you were kind of grumpy.
134
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:20,858
[laughing]
He thought you were
kind of grumpy.
135
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:22,991
-Now you wake up.
-Hmm?
136
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:26,516
You'll have to
excuse these two.
They're themselves today.
137
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,911
Sorry, Bob.
But there's an ill wind blowing
all night in our tent.
138
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:33,262
-Listen. What do you say
we go back to the Swamp?
-Huh? What for?
139
00:06:33,305 --> 00:06:36,439
Maybe that ill wind can blow
us some good. Come on.
140
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:39,573
-Come on.
-Good night.
141
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:43,011
Just as well.
We'll have a chance to be alone.
142
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:45,100
I don't know
if I ever told you this.
143
00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:47,319
Knowing me, probably not.
144
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:52,020
My first instincts
about you... dead wrong.
145
00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:54,762
I think Evy got
a damned fine husband,
146
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:56,894
and I got myself
a good friend.
147
00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:03,205
Thanks, Pop.
Anyway, I, uh--
148
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:06,643
It's getting kind of late.
I think I'd like to turn in.
149
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:09,646
Already? Didn't you catch
a nap this afternoon?
150
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,822
I guess I'm just tired
from all this traveling.
151
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:14,085
Well, I know how that is.
We'll put a bookmark here,
152
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,392
and pick up where
we left off tomorrow.
153
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,742
-Good night, son.
-Good night.
154
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:22,006
[snoring]
155
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:39,110
[Charles snoring on tape]
156
00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:42,723
Wha-- What is that
infernal noise?
157
00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:46,074
-[loud snoring]
-You mean this tape recording
of you not snoring?
158
00:07:46,117 --> 00:07:51,906
Pierce, any idiot
can make snoring noises
into a tape recorder.
159
00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:53,821
Charles!
160
00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:57,999
Those flowers are only
gonna be blooming
for a little while.
161
00:07:58,042 --> 00:08:00,654
When they're gone,
your allergy will be gone.
162
00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:04,092
All we're asking is that
you go somewhere else for
a couple of nights,
163
00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:05,920
and let us get some sleep!
164
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:09,663
Me? Let's talk you.
You're the ones with
the problem.
165
00:08:09,706 --> 00:08:13,797
You go somewhere else!
I'd be more than happy
to suggest a place.
166
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:17,584
We live here.
We don't snore.
167
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:19,803
And we're not going
anywhere!
168
00:08:19,847 --> 00:08:23,198
Probably the only three things
we will ever have in common.
169
00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:25,940
Now, if you'll excuse me,
this conversation
is putting me to sleep.
170
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,724
-HAWKEYE: Charles--
-Good night.
171
00:08:29,073 --> 00:08:30,901
Ah.
172
00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:35,906
[phone rings]
173
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,779
MASH 4077.
174
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:42,913
Uh, no, Sparky.
This is not "Fur Face."
It's Colonel Potter.
175
00:08:42,957 --> 00:08:47,048
Come on, at ease.
Now, anything I can do for ya?
176
00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:50,312
What does the Imperial Hotel
in Tokyo want with us?
177
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,358
All right.
Put him through.
178
00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:56,579
Hello.
Yes, this is the 4077.
179
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,494
What can I do for ya?
180
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:02,237
Robert Wilson?
Yes, you can reach him here.
181
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:06,154
What do you mean, his wife
left a silk nightgown
in the hotel room?
182
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:08,765
What wife?
183
00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:13,204
He registered
with Mrs. Wilson?
184
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:16,556
This Robert Wilson,
was he with the Rapahanak
Import Company?
185
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:20,647
I see.
186
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:22,605
No. Uh...
187
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,564
that won't be necessary.
188
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:28,306
I'm sure Mrs. Wilson
can get a new nightgown.
189
00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,713
You know,
Evy and I took Stuart
190
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:46,673
to the horse show over in
Dry Fork last month.
191
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:49,414
Ever since then it seems like
the only word he knows is pony.
192
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,547
Is that so?
193
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:54,898
Yeah. I don't think
we're gonna have any peace
until we buy him one.
194
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:58,380
Evy says we should wait
until he's older,
195
00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:00,382
but seems to me that
it's never too soon.
196
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:02,863
-What do you think?
-That's up to you.
197
00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:05,256
I think it'd be good
for the whole family.
198
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:07,519
Lord knows Evy
could use the exercise.
199
00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:10,479
Maybe she doesn't have time
to keep her girlish
figure anymore
200
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:13,525
because she's so busy
cooking your meals,
cleaning your house,
201
00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:15,658
and taking care of
your child.
202
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:18,356
Hey, Dad, don't get me wrong.
She's terrific.
203
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,445
You're damn right she is.
204
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:24,885
Well, uh, it's gettin'
kind of late.
205
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:26,800
I'm gonna go wash up
for dinner. You coming?
206
00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:29,150
No. I'm not all that hungry.
You go ahead.
207
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:32,240
Okay.
208
00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:34,111
-See ya later.
-Okay.
209
00:10:40,161 --> 00:10:41,771
[knocking]
210
00:10:41,815 --> 00:10:43,686
Come in.
211
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:47,429
Excuse me, Padre.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
212
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:50,258
Well, I was working
on Sunday's sermon.
213
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:52,434
But I could use a break.
214
00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:55,698
I wanted to talk about, uh--
215
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,700
about the personal
belongings inventory
216
00:10:57,744 --> 00:11:01,182
-of the wounded in post-op.
-Oh. I'm sorry.
217
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:03,924
I was planning to bring it by
first thing in the morning.
218
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,839
I didn't know
there was any rush.
219
00:11:05,882 --> 00:11:07,623
Uh-huh.
220
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,321
Yeah.
That looks fine to me.
221
00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:12,846
You sure do have
nice handwriting, Padre.
222
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,761
Well, thank you.
223
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:18,286
I'll certainly sleep better
knowing that.
224
00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:21,202
Colonel, by any chance,
225
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,725
was there something else
you wanted to talk to me about?
226
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:25,249
Since you bring it up,
there is.
227
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:28,470
Uh, come Sunday morning,
228
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:31,516
it might not be a bad idea
229
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,127
if you put away
all that baloney about
230
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:35,782
the one-legged man and
the wheelbarrow,
231
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:38,523
and preach some good,
old-fashioned values.
232
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:41,309
You could start with
a refresher course on
the Ten Commandments.
233
00:11:41,352 --> 00:11:45,705
Hmm. Something tells me
you have a particular favorite.
234
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,010
You bet I do.
235
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:49,012
Earlier today,
I found out that
236
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:51,972
while my son-in-law was
in Tokyo on business,
237
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:54,409
he had himself...
238
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:56,324
uh... a rendezvous.
239
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:59,501
-With a woman.
-No, with a plate of
turnip greens!
240
00:12:01,764 --> 00:12:03,984
I'm sorry, Padre.
It's not your fault
241
00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:05,855
my daughter married
a jackass.
242
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:08,423
This... rendezvous.
243
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,991
Uh, are you sure
it took place?
244
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:14,037
I got a call from
the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo.
245
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:17,301
They said Mrs. Wilson
had left her fancy silk
nightgown there.
246
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:21,349
Mrs. Wilson right now
is back home in Missouri
247
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:24,526
slaving over a hot stove,
cooking dinner for my grandson.
248
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:26,397
Oh, dear.
249
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:29,139
Who knows how long
this kind of thing
has been going on?
250
00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:31,576
This is just one
I happened to catch.
251
00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:33,883
I should have gone
with my first instinct.
252
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:37,017
This boy is
a two-faced scoundrel!
253
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,280
-Where are you going?
-To call Evy.
254
00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:42,152
I'm not going to sit by
and watch her be made
a fool of.
255
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:46,766
Now, Colonel,
before you do anything
you might end up regretting,
256
00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:51,161
why don't you just take
a moment to calm down
and think this over?
257
00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:55,252
Perhaps you should talk
to your son-in-law about it.
258
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:57,733
Whose side are you on?
I thought adultery earned
259
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,866
an express ride
right downstairs.
260
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:02,651
Look, I'm not condoning
what he did.
261
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:06,350
But I've lived in a war zone
for a long time now,
262
00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:10,050
and I've seen
the sixth commandment
take quite a beating.
263
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:13,923
It doesn't necessarily mean
the end of a good marriage.
264
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:16,273
We're not talking about
some lonely soldier
265
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:18,406
who's been stuck over here
for a year.
266
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:22,627
This is a traveling salesman
who's only been away
for one week!
267
00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:25,456
And it's not some army wife
I never met.
268
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:28,068
It's my daughter!
269
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:38,513
-[knocking]
-Come in.
270
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:41,559
Good evening, uh, Fath--
I-- I was just passing by,
saw the light on.
271
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,039
Uh, you busy?
272
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:45,520
Oh, that's all right, Major.
I'm on a break.
273
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:48,479
Oh. Very well.
I see. Uh--
274
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:52,179
Well, Father, as you know,
I'm not a religious man.
275
00:13:52,222 --> 00:13:54,877
However, something
has been bothering me.
276
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,879
And as there's nobody here
who'd be much better,
277
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:59,186
I've chosen to bring
the problem to you.
278
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:03,712
Oh. Thank you, Major.
Your confidence in me
is an inspiration.
279
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,627
Uh, well, what is it?
280
00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:08,760
See, Father--
[clears throat]
281
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:13,243
There is the slightest
possibility that I am not...
282
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:14,984
a true Winchester.
283
00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:17,595
You mean you may be adopted?
284
00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:21,208
Oh, my goodness. No, no.
Much worse than that.
285
00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:24,602
Uh, I'm afraid there is
the possibility--
286
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:26,517
slim though it be--
287
00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:29,825
that I...
[whimpers] snore.
288
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,914
Snore.
289
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:35,613
Oh. Good heavens, Major.
290
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:38,747
What... courage it took
to admit that.
291
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:42,620
Well, Father, I'm afraid
you don't understand.
292
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:45,797
See, all my life,
I have harbored
a secret dread
293
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:48,452
that I may not be worthy
of my name,
294
00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:52,065
that I'm not good enough
to be a Winchester.
295
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:55,895
What if all this malarkey
is true,
296
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:58,854
that I do... snore
297
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,378
like a common
factory worker?
298
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:04,381
What if that's just
the tip of the iceberg?
299
00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,949
What if there are
even more vulgar traits
300
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:08,820
lurking just underneath
the surface?
301
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:11,084
Today... snoring.
302
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:14,652
Tomorrow, sitting in front of
a TV with a cold brew
303
00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:17,090
watching roller derby?
304
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:20,571
What if,
perish the thought,
305
00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:24,575
I am actually the same
as everybody else?
306
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,708
I couldn't live with that.
307
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:28,928
Well, Major...
308
00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:33,410
I certainly am glad
you've confided in me.
309
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:35,499
This shows me
a dimension of you
310
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:38,763
that I had never
fully appreciated.
311
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:39,982
Well, thank you, Father.
312
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:43,203
Speaking as one
whose ancestors
313
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,683
were factory workers,
314
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:50,297
and who likes roller derby
and a good brew,
315
00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:55,563
do I understand you to say
that if you can't be
better than me
316
00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:58,044
then there's no point
in living?
317
00:15:58,087 --> 00:16:00,655
Well, now, don't take it
personally, Father.
318
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,092
Why should I take it
personally?
319
00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:05,138
By the way, did I ever
tell you about the time
320
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:08,010
I was thrown out of
the seminary dorm for snoring?
321
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:11,057
-Uh--
-The truth of the matter is
322
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,928
you're not superior to
any of us
323
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,930
-whether you snore or not.
-Shh!
324
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,802
And at times like this,
I'm not even sure you're equal.
325
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:21,632
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have more important things
326
00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:23,286
to worry about
than your snoring!
327
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,550
I didn't say I snored,
merely that I was
accused of it.
328
00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:29,162
Major, your attitude
gives me the willies!
329
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:30,685
Well, this is certainly
the last time I ever
come to you
330
00:16:30,728 --> 00:16:32,165
with a serious problem.
331
00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:34,689
I'm still waiting
for the first time!
332
00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:36,430
Thanks, operator.
333
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,911
Hello. That you, Evy?
334
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:42,436
It's your dad, honey.
How are ya?
335
00:16:42,479 --> 00:16:44,655
No, no. I'm fine.
336
00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:47,528
I just needed to talk to you
about something.
337
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:49,486
No. Bob's fine too.
338
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:53,055
He's-- Well,
he's asleep right now.
339
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:56,972
Well, he would have
been here with me,
but wouldn't you know it,
340
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,757
by the time the operator
finally got through,
341
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,455
he had turned in.
342
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:05,720
Just tuckered out
from all that travelin',
I suppose.
343
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:10,464
Evy, uh, I was wondering.
Is everything okay
with you and Bob?
344
00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:14,120
Well, that's good.
345
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:18,080
Oh, it's just that
he was telling me about
some flap...
346
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:20,735
over a--
a pony for Stuart.
347
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:25,957
Oh. Well, must have
misunderstood then.
348
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:29,483
But I just want you
to know that...
349
00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:32,921
I think a pony's
a wonderful idea.
350
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:36,011
Wouldn't hurt you to get
some exercise too.
351
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:39,710
And tell Stuart
I have a saddle for him
when he gets bigger.
352
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,932
Yeah.
I'll be sure to tell him.
353
00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:47,631
Yeah. He-- He really
misses both of you too.
354
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:50,460
Well, I'd better go.
355
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:53,985
What?
356
00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:57,119
Oh, nothin', really.
357
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,513
Uh, just that...
358
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,558
I love you.
359
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:04,605
Yeah. That's all.
360
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,955
Give Stu a big hug for me.
361
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:10,263
Okay, honey. Bye-bye.
362
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:18,358
[snoring]
363
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:21,404
[snoring stops]
364
00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:25,321
[snoring continues]
365
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,505
-Eh-- Wh-- What?
-Charles!
366
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:36,811
Oh, no, you don't.
367
00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:39,553
I am sick and tired of
playing this game.
368
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:41,990
Once and for all,
I do not snore!
369
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:43,948
ALL: Oh, yes, you do!
370
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:46,821
We can hear you
all the way over in post-op!
371
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:50,129
Actually, I'm impressed.
Even my schnoz
couldn't honk that loud.
372
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,827
You are giving our position
away to the enemy!
373
00:18:52,870 --> 00:18:54,916
-Now are you convinced?
-Huh?
374
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:58,441
Gentlemen, the fact
that I am leaving
375
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:00,400
is in no way an indication
376
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:04,447
that I am dignifying
this stupidity
with a response,
377
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:07,537
but merely that I am
sick and tired
378
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:11,237
of being subjected
to your pubescent whims.
379
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:14,153
I don't care why you're leaving
as long as you're leaving!
380
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:17,286
-Go suck a grenade!
-Yeah! [laughs]
381
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:19,288
Major, have you tried
sleeping--
382
00:19:19,332 --> 00:19:22,248
One word about my stomach,
and you'll be busted,
383
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:24,467
first your rank,
then your knees.
384
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:26,513
And good night to you, sir.
385
00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:28,776
-[knocking]
-Come in.
386
00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:32,040
-Morning.
-How are ya, Pop?
387
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,564
Your jeep's outside.
Thought I'd see ya off.
388
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:37,437
Hey, thanks.
Well, guess I'm all set to go.
389
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,962
Bob, uh, can you spare
a moment to talk?
390
00:19:42,355 --> 00:19:44,574
Oh, uh... sure. Uh--
391
00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:46,402
Sit down.
392
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:54,628
I got a little story
I think maybe you should hear.
393
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:57,239
It's something I've never
told anybody before.
394
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:01,287
Happened a long time ago.
395
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:04,203
I was just finishing up
my residency,
396
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:08,685
and I was about to start
my first job at the V.A.
in Springfield.
397
00:20:08,729 --> 00:20:11,384
Mildred went ahead
to set up housekeeping,
398
00:20:11,427 --> 00:20:14,865
and I stayed behind
in St. Louis.
399
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:19,566
One night, I was comin' off
a real late shift,
400
00:20:19,609 --> 00:20:23,570
and there was this nurse
who had been workin' with me.
401
00:20:23,613 --> 00:20:27,878
Well, we were both hungry,
402
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:30,707
and the thought of
having a little
something to eat together
403
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:34,363
certainly seemed harmless
enough at the time.
404
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:39,368
After that,
she suggested...
405
00:20:39,412 --> 00:20:41,240
a nightcap at her place.
406
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,634
And, well...
407
00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:47,594
things got a little
friendlier...
408
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:49,465
than they should have.
409
00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:59,780
When I caught up
with Mildred,
410
00:20:59,823 --> 00:21:02,217
I felt so bad...
411
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:06,743
I couldn't look her
in the face for a week.
412
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:09,659
She never let on
she suspected anything,
but...
413
00:21:09,703 --> 00:21:13,794
somehow I always
felt maybe...
414
00:21:13,837 --> 00:21:15,186
she sensed what had happened.
415
00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:21,280
Took me a long time
to get over it.
416
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:24,761
And I decided
I never wanted to live with
that kind of guilt again.
417
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:29,984
There isn't much
that can make ya feel worse...
418
00:21:30,027 --> 00:21:34,771
than betraying the love
of a good woman.
419
00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:40,386
How'd you know?
420
00:21:40,429 --> 00:21:42,736
That's not important.
421
00:21:42,779 --> 00:21:47,741
The thing is, no matter
how well you keep a secret,
422
00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:50,439
there'll always be
one person who knows.
423
00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:52,659
You.
424
00:22:03,670 --> 00:22:07,587
I never meant for it
to happen.
425
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:12,461
We met on the plane.
We had a couple of drinks
together and it--
426
00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:15,334
She started flirting with me,
and before I knew it...
427
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:19,816
Oh, hell, Pop.
I knew what I was doing.
428
00:22:21,427 --> 00:22:24,212
I've been feeling like dirt
ever since.
429
00:22:25,909 --> 00:22:27,694
Nothing like this
has ever happened before,
430
00:22:27,737 --> 00:22:29,260
if that'll make you feel
any better.
431
00:22:29,304 --> 00:22:33,656
How I feel about it
isn't what matters.
432
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,659
I really love Evy.
And I love Stuart.
433
00:22:36,703 --> 00:22:39,140
And I would never do
anything to hurt them.
434
00:22:39,183 --> 00:22:41,403
I never meant
to hurt you either.
435
00:22:41,447 --> 00:22:44,711
I would give anything
if this hadn't happened.
436
00:22:44,754 --> 00:22:47,757
Yeah, I know.
437
00:22:47,801 --> 00:22:51,152
I'm surprised you didn't
tear me limb from limb.
438
00:22:51,195 --> 00:22:53,850
Came this close.
439
00:22:53,894 --> 00:22:56,157
But, well...
440
00:22:56,200 --> 00:23:01,292
I realized there was
no sense in ruining
three people's lives...
441
00:23:01,336 --> 00:23:03,338
over one slip up.
442
00:23:05,340 --> 00:23:08,125
We all do things
we could kick ourselves for.
443
00:23:09,866 --> 00:23:11,781
Thanks, Pop.
444
00:23:14,654 --> 00:23:17,526
Here. I--
I finally found this.
445
00:23:21,922 --> 00:23:24,185
It's lovely.
446
00:23:24,228 --> 00:23:26,753
You sure you still
want me to have it?
447
00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:28,842
I'm sure.
448
00:23:28,885 --> 00:23:32,411
I just hope you'll always be
in the picture.
449
00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,500
Believe me, Pop,
I will.
450
00:23:41,942 --> 00:23:44,205
[crickets chirping]
451
00:23:47,121 --> 00:23:50,254
B.J.: Told ya you snored,
didn't we?
452
00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:52,256
You didn't believe it.
453
00:23:54,302 --> 00:23:55,651
Got ya on tape.
454
00:23:55,695 --> 00:23:57,653
You didn't listen.
455
00:23:57,697 --> 00:24:02,136
Eh. You just kept snoring,
keepin' us awake.
456
00:24:02,179 --> 00:24:04,747
Have you tried sleeping
on your stomach?
457
00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:08,838
♪♪
458
00:24:20,371 --> 00:24:23,200
♪♪ [theme]
36066
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