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1
00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:04,091
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:56,708
This war has definitely
lost its allure.
3
00:00:56,752 --> 00:00:57,796
[groans]
4
00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,495
My "sediments" exactly.
5
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,149
If we didn't have such
a terrific union here,
6
00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:04,151
I'd put in my
two-week notice.
7
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:05,369
But I'm too weak.
8
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:07,023
My dogs only barked this bad
9
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,547
once before, back
in the cavalry.
10
00:01:09,591 --> 00:01:12,550
I got blottoed and did the
Charleston with a Shetland pony.
11
00:01:12,594 --> 00:01:14,378
Colonel, don't tempt me.
I'm so hungry,
12
00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:16,815
I could eat a horse--
saddle, rider and all.
13
00:01:16,859 --> 00:01:19,209
Which is undoubtedly better
than what's awaiting us now
14
00:01:19,253 --> 00:01:20,384
in the Mess Tent--
15
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:22,343
ptomaine au gratin.
16
00:01:22,386 --> 00:01:24,171
Take heart,
famished friends.
17
00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:26,477
I brought in
after-surgery snacks.
18
00:01:26,521 --> 00:01:31,047
-Actual edibles from Peg.
-Ah, brownies! Dibs! Dibs!
19
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,137
And homemade fruit cocktail
for our peach of a colonel.
20
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:36,879
Ah, sweet cubes of delight.
21
00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:38,750
♪ At last I've found you
22
00:01:38,794 --> 00:01:40,665
What else? Pralines!
23
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:42,450
Ah, pralines!
24
00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:45,105
The South's
only contribution
to civilization.
25
00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:47,368
-Don't be shy, Charles.
-[shouts]
26
00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:51,154
[laughing]
27
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:54,853
Hey, Charles, beware
the perils of praline.
28
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:57,117
-Brilliant, Doctor.
-Dagnabit!
29
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,119
You two should be
ashamed of yourselves.
30
00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:01,208
What's next, whoopee cushions
on the wheelchairs?
31
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:03,123
The true cruelty
of this lame jest
32
00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:04,602
is that there are no pralines.
33
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:06,604
[Margaret screams]
34
00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:08,954
-Did you--
-[screams]
35
00:02:08,998 --> 00:02:12,871
All right. Who left the
dead minnows in my pocket?
36
00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:16,266
They were alive when
I put them there.
You've killed them!
37
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:17,963
[laughing]
38
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:21,184
-Et tu, Winchester?
-Go ahead and laugh, guys.
39
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:23,404
There are plenty
of minnows in the sea.
40
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:27,756
-A Houlihan never forgets.
-"Et three," Margaret?
41
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:30,628
-What's going on here?
-'Tis the season
to be silly, Colonel.
42
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:32,848
-April one-eth is at hand.
-Bushwa!
43
00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:35,155
My Farmer's Almanac
says it's still March.
44
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:36,808
Oh, but Colonel, I mean,
45
00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:38,549
the festive spirit
of April Fool
46
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:41,465
can scarcely be contained
within a mere 24-hour period.
47
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:43,815
And there are only
a few joking days left.
48
00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,817
Okay, okay.
49
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:49,430
But just include me out.
"Understandez" vous?
50
00:02:49,473 --> 00:02:51,475
Colonel, how could
you even think it?
51
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:54,870
-Your persona is truly hallowed.
-And don't you forget it.
52
00:02:54,913 --> 00:02:57,742
Besides which,
I've seen 'em all.
53
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:07,622
Okay, Sparky, I got it.
54
00:03:07,665 --> 00:03:09,624
Ah, the early bird colonel
gets the words.
55
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,495
TWX for you, sir.
56
00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:13,236
-Surgeon General's Office,
8th Army.
-Thank you.
57
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:16,848
Sir, I must protest the rash
of mindless pranks
58
00:03:16,892 --> 00:03:18,763
being perpetrated
around here.
59
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:21,897
Good morning, Padre.
Or should I say "Padress"?
60
00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:24,639
Colonel, there's
no humor in this.
61
00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:28,556
While I was showering,
somebody stole my robe
and left me this...
62
00:03:28,599 --> 00:03:30,340
this... house frock!
63
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:33,517
Better not take it off, Father.
You'll be a defrocked priest.
64
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:37,347
Klinger, how would you like
to get the last rites...
and a few lefts?
65
00:03:37,391 --> 00:03:39,697
Holster thy knuckles, Padre.
This, too, shall pass.
66
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,177
It better.
67
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:45,268
-[wolf whistles]
-Oh, shut up!
68
00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:48,358
Now that Gorgeous George
is gone, can we get back to--
69
00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:50,839
Holy hemostat!
70
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:53,233
-We're in for it now.
-For what, sir?
71
00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:56,192
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker,
lord high executioner
72
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,020
of the surgeon general's
office,
73
00:03:58,063 --> 00:04:00,152
is coming to observe
our medical setup.
74
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,198
Observe doesn't
sound too scary.
75
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,592
This fella can observe
you to smithereens.
76
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:08,030
From what I hear, he's a
fire and brimstone doctor
77
00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:10,032
with a three-second fuse.
78
00:04:10,075 --> 00:04:11,599
A stickler's stickler.
79
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,557
Quotes army medical
regs by memory
80
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:16,038
especially the part
on courts-martial.
81
00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:19,302
Uh, sir, about that three-day
pass I just decided to ask for.
82
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,521
Nix on passes.
83
00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:22,044
This is an A-1,
four-alarm,
84
00:04:22,087 --> 00:04:23,698
red, white
and blue alert.
85
00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:26,875
Allah be praised I was
too stupid to get
into med school.
86
00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:30,052
Yeah, well, you got
enough smarts to shape
up these files.
87
00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:33,273
He's gonna examine everything
from "A" to "Z" and then some.
88
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,057
And medical supplies.
89
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:38,190
Order everything you can order,
including order forms.
90
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,105
But, sir, I'm already
drowning in paperwork.
91
00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:41,977
Well, hold onto your honker and
tread water if you have to,
92
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:43,283
just do it!
93
00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:46,460
KLINGER: Let's go!
Let's go!
94
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:48,462
-Mayday! Mayday!
-Hey.
95
00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:51,291
Big meeting in
the colonel's office.
Everybody up.
96
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,118
Somebody kill
that man, quietly.
97
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,381
I got a million
other things to do.
98
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,252
Come on. Let's go.
Let's get up.
99
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,690
All right. But only long enough
to push your ears together.
100
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:03,651
Klinger, did you see
anybody else lurking
around here earlier?
101
00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:06,697
No. Oh, yeah! I think I saw
Major Houlihan leaving. Why?
102
00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:09,613
Because there's something
besides my foot in my boot.
103
00:05:09,657 --> 00:05:13,051
And from the size of the lumps,
I'd say it was oatmeal.
104
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,792
Word is, this Tucker hombre
105
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:18,187
is tougher than beef jerky
and harder to swallow.
106
00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:22,452
We're talking about a man
who picks his teeth
with a rusty nail.
107
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:26,456
So, for the sake of me
and my eagles
108
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:29,024
which I worked
so hard to get
109
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:33,724
there will be no, I repeat,
nada in the way of larks
110
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:36,423
antics or shenanigans
while he's here.
111
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:37,641
-Got it?
-Got it.
112
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:40,688
Loud and-or clear, sir.
113
00:05:40,731 --> 00:05:43,647
-Pierce?
-Thanks for the
room service, Margaret.
114
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,954
I always did like
breakfast in boot.
115
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:49,305
I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
116
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,525
-Don't worry about me, sir.
-I owe you one.
117
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,527
Wait a minute.
Pierce, are you "deef"?
118
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:56,704
I'm giving your hijinks
the heave-ho, post haste.
119
00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:59,141
I'm the boss here!
I can do that!
120
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:01,622
-I heard you, Colonel.
-And?
121
00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:05,147
And I'll follow your
instructions to the letter.
122
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:08,629
Fine, fine. I knew you wouldn't
let your revered leader down.
123
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:13,155
But just in case, check your
joy buzzers at the door.
124
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:16,027
Dismissed.
125
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:18,073
-She who laughs last--
-Yeah.
126
00:06:20,989 --> 00:06:23,078
[chuckles]
I'm gonna get her.
127
00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:25,602
Pierce, you are "deef."
Didn't you hear what
Potter said?
128
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,952
All he said was no jokes
while Tucker's here.
129
00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:29,432
Well, Tucker's
not here yet,
130
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:30,607
so how long you think
it would take us to
131
00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:32,087
fire Margaret
out of a canon?
132
00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:34,132
-[chuckling]
-That's such a good idea.
133
00:06:34,176 --> 00:06:35,569
-What? What?
-Uh, no more.
134
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:36,700
I don't want to get Potter
in hot water.
135
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:38,441
-What?
-No more.
136
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:41,009
Pierce, let's call
a temporary cease prank.
137
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:43,403
Oh, so I'm on my own, huh?
138
00:06:43,446 --> 00:06:46,101
No help will be forthcoming
from the guy who had "Kilroy"
139
00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:48,451
painted on his head
while he slept.
140
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:49,974
Or the fire breathing fellow
141
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:52,803
who found Tabasco
in his mouthwash.
142
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:55,806
All courtesy of
Margaret the menace.
143
00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:57,895
Maybe one more.
144
00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:58,896
-[chuckling]
-Oh, good.
145
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:00,942
Rizzo.
146
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,207
Rizzo.
147
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:10,734
Wake up, Rizzo.
148
00:07:10,778 --> 00:07:13,345
Why? Is it lunch time?
149
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:16,392
-Good, I could use a break.
-No, no, no.
150
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,090
Unfortunately,
some colonel's coming
to look us over,
151
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,483
so I'll need your help
in post-op.
152
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:23,268
Post-op?
Great.
153
00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:25,314
They got real beds
over there.
154
00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:27,708
Boy, nothing gets to you,
does it?
155
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:29,797
Why should it?
156
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,842
I got a good life.
157
00:07:31,886 --> 00:07:36,064
Room, board,
16 hours of sleep a day.
158
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,848
But this place stinks.
159
00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:41,504
Hey, Klinger,
you got it all wrong.
160
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:43,811
Step into my office, son.
161
00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:49,730
Look, the Army is a breeze...
162
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:52,515
once you get the hang
of the Luther Rizzo
163
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:55,649
secret of military success.
164
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:58,173
What is it?
165
00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:01,481
-Never smile.
-Huh?
166
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:04,745
The Army hates
to see a man grin.
167
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:08,226
It makes 'em think
they've failed somehow.
168
00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:10,228
But moan and groan
and carry on,
169
00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:12,230
they'll leave you all
to your lonesome.
170
00:08:12,274 --> 00:08:15,712
Long as they know you're
miserable, they're happy.
171
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:20,412
-You're kidding.
-If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
172
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:23,415
You can do anything
you want in the Army.
173
00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:27,245
Just act like
you don't want to do it.
174
00:08:27,289 --> 00:08:29,552
I'm livin' proof.
175
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:33,904
Hey, play your cards right,
176
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,428
and some day, Klinger,
177
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:39,388
all this can be yours.
178
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:41,912
-That's it.
-What?
179
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:44,480
-Reverse psychology.
-Huh?
180
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,875
-The army always does
the opposite.
-That's it!
181
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:50,573
If a guy wants out,
he should act like
he wants to stay in.
182
00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:52,793
Yeah! Want out?
183
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:55,317
Is your hat on too tight?
184
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,798
Where else can you be a bum
and get paid for it?
185
00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:00,191
-I've been doing it all wrong.
-Yeah.
186
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:03,238
-I'll be the world's
greatest soldier.
-Right.
187
00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:05,762
-Make 'em think
I love the Army.
-Right.
188
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:10,201
Then, and only then,
I'll pull the old switcheroo.
189
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:13,683
-All right!
-Rizzo, you're a genius!
190
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:16,599
-I know, I know.
-Listen, you stay here.
191
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,732
I'll get somebody else
to help in post-op.
192
00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:22,126
Good. And have 'em send
me over a pillow, huh?
193
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,267
[gasps]
194
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:38,534
Those weasels! Oh!
195
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,189
Oh, this time,
they've gone too far!
196
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:48,152
Just--Pierce, get up,
you tent napper!
197
00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:50,807
-[screams]
-[laughing]
198
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:53,375
Good, Margaret.
Very good.
199
00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:56,247
[laughing continues]
200
00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:59,860
-Where is my tent?
-We pitched it somewhere.
201
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:04,821
-You crumbs! You crumbs!
-Margaret!
202
00:10:04,865 --> 00:10:07,258
-Where is my tent?
-We gave it to a dog.
203
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:09,434
-Now it's a pup tent.
-You idiot!
204
00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:11,523
Ah, don't hit a pillow
when it's down!
205
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:12,916
[shouting, laughing]
206
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:34,024
-What's going on here?
-Uh--
207
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:37,027
-These crumbs stole my tent.
-Now, Margaret, let's try
to be accurate.
208
00:10:37,071 --> 00:10:39,682
I'm the only crumb here.
He's a schmo, and he's an idiot.
209
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,032
-No, he's the idiot,
and he's the schmo.
-This is disgraceful.
210
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:44,687
-Absolutely disgraceful.
-You know, you're right.
211
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,863
They just don't make pillows
the way they used to.
212
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:50,693
Please forgive our antics, sir.
A bit of harmless fun.
213
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,695
Uh--Uh, I, uh--
214
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:55,480
I take it our, uh, feathers
don't tickle your fancy.
215
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:59,659
I am Colonel
Daniel Webster Tucker,
216
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,791
8th Army,
Surgeon General's Office
217
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:05,012
here to observe your
medical staff in action.
218
00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:07,231
Now, who in the hell
are you people?
219
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:11,192
-Actually, we're just
the medical staff.
-How are we doing so far?
220
00:11:11,235 --> 00:11:13,716
I want to see your
commanding officer immediately.
221
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,414
I hope he at least is
a responsible professional.
222
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:20,288
What in the name of
Marco Blessed Polo
is going on here?
223
00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:24,335
Oh. How do? Uh--
224
00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:26,381
You would have to be
Colonel Tucker, right?
225
00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:29,906
And you would have to be
Colonel Potter.
226
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:33,910
My God, Potter, what kind of
place are you running here?
227
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,913
Don't you have one
competent person here?
228
00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:38,132
Colonel Tucker, sir.
229
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:40,569
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
reporting.
230
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:43,180
Aide-de-campe
to top brass everywhere.
231
00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:44,660
Sir, your quarters have been
prepared with fresh linen,
232
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,183
fresh fruit and
fresh air.
233
00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:47,663
Also present,
a record player complete
234
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,317
with five
John Philip Sousa albums
235
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,580
several rum-soaked,
precut Cuban cigars
236
00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:54,235
and your favorite
liquid refreshment,
a shot and a beer.
237
00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:56,324
And here, sir, is today's copy
of Stars and Stripes.
238
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:57,760
Well, this is more like it.
239
00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:59,762
If you're ready, sir,
your tent is over there.
240
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,764
Fine, Corporal.
I will turn in now.
241
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:05,289
And I'll see you and your people
tomorrow morning, Colonel.
242
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:13,297
[yawns]
I am kind of sleepy myself.
243
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:15,647
-I think I'll hit
the old sackeroo.
-CHARLES: Capital idea.
244
00:12:15,691 --> 00:12:19,216
Halt! About face!
245
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,788
Oh, you're a peck
of pips, all right.
246
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:28,660
Despite my direct orders,
247
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:32,577
you just had to put
"Be stupid" first
248
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:34,928
on your list of things
to do today!
249
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:37,365
-We're very sorry, Colonel.
-I'm not sorry!
250
00:12:37,408 --> 00:12:41,499
-You're the jackasses
who did this!
-[overlapping dialog]
251
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,545
Silencio!
252
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:49,377
The senior inspecting officer
253
00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:51,945
from the whole Far East
medical command
254
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:54,295
comes in here at full boil
255
00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:57,472
so you jokers
have to turn up the heat.
256
00:12:57,515 --> 00:13:00,823
Guarantees we'll all be wearing
his boot prints tomorrow
257
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:03,391
no matter how spiffy
we carry on!
258
00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:06,437
Thank you all very much!
259
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:12,922
Good grief, Margaret.
260
00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:16,534
Where in the name of
Carrie's corset is your tent?
261
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:25,761
POTTER: Well, Colonel,
didn't take long for you
262
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,024
to get a chance to see
our people in action.
263
00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:30,635
TUCKER:
I saw them in action
last night, Colonel.
264
00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:32,072
-Carry on.
-KLINGER: Good morning, sir.
265
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:33,247
Sorry you were
out of your tent
266
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:34,988
before I could
serve your breakfast.
267
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,599
However,
I did leave the figures
for this week's wounded,
268
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:39,122
a map I drew up
of the camp,
269
00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:41,777
and discount coupons for
the Officers Club on your bed.
270
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,084
Which I made.
With hospital corners. Sir.
271
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,260
BJ: Klinger,
you're groveling
without a license.
272
00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:49,741
TUCKER: You foul balls
could take a lesson from
this fine trooper.
273
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:51,613
KLINGER: I'd blush, sir,
but I don't have the time.
274
00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:55,182
Idle hands are
the devil's workshop.
275
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:57,967
MARGARET: Sir,
I'm really sorry about
what happened last night.
276
00:13:58,011 --> 00:13:59,708
TUCKER: As well
you should be, Major.
277
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:02,885
CHARLES: Ah-ha.
Voila.
278
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:04,844
Nice work, Charles.
279
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:07,890
For a foul ball, you sure
know your way around
the old chest cavity.
280
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,371
[laughs]
Thank you, Hunnicutt.
281
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:12,460
Yes, it was rather
exceptional work.
282
00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:14,984
-Would you agree, Colonel?
-What do you want, a medal?
283
00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:17,334
Hey, he just saved
this kid's life.
284
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:19,249
Isn't that the general
idea here, Doctor?
285
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:20,903
HAWKEYE:
What's the matter, Colonel?
286
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,339
Get up on the wrong side of
the world this morning?
287
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,515
You concentrate
on your patient.
288
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,039
Try to give him
the same attention
289
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,649
you give your pillow fights.
290
00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:31,871
POTTER: Colonel,
I'll admit
291
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,568
we've got a full rack of
eight balls here,
292
00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:36,963
but when it comes to cutting,
these people are the real McCoy.
293
00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:40,836
I should hope so.
I assume they've all been
to medical school.
294
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,664
Oh, I am so sorry.
295
00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:45,928
I should give the good doctors
a round of applause
296
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:47,669
for doing their jobs.
297
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:50,628
Hear, hear, Doctors.
Hear, hear.
298
00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:55,459
Here we are, sir.
Our post-operative unit.
299
00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:58,114
Now, if you'll
excuse me, sir,
300
00:14:58,158 --> 00:15:00,682
I must fill out daily reports
and deliver mail.
301
00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:02,553
Oh, my stars!
302
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:04,773
I've been meaning to lube
and oil the colonel's jeep.
303
00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:05,905
Permission to lube
and oil, sir.
304
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,211
Permission granted.
305
00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:12,302
-That man's a jewel.
-There he is, our very own
ray of sunstroke.
306
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,130
Notice how his sneer
lights up the room?
307
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:15,392
Well, what do you
expect from him
308
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,481
after the impression
we made last night?
309
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:20,658
-Are you tired, Captain?
-As a matter of fact, I am.
310
00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:22,747
I was up very early
performing surgery.
311
00:15:22,791 --> 00:15:25,446
You were also up very
late performing idiocy.
312
00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:30,103
Lieutenant, is there an order
for an I.V. after this one?
313
00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:32,975
-No, sir. But Captain Pierce--
-I'll handle this, Lieutenant.
314
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,630
Thank you.
Can I help, Colonel?
315
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:37,980
Just having a little look-see,
Doctor. That's all.
316
00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:40,156
This is my patient.
You have any questions, ask me.
317
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,376
Why, Doctor, you don't have
anything to hide, do you?
318
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:44,726
Only my outrage. You know,
you really are a sanctimonious--
319
00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:46,858
Hawk, no, let me--
320
00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:49,078
Colonel, I really must voice
my resentment concerning
your attitude.
321
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:52,168
No, you mustn't.
What you really must do
is keep your mouth shut.
322
00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:54,344
-I beg your--
-Sir, we all know
323
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:57,565
that you're really just trying
to do a very difficult job--
324
00:15:57,608 --> 00:16:00,872
-Don't patronize me, Major.
-I was trying to support you.
325
00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:04,572
-I hardly need
the support of a woman.
-[gasps] Wh--
326
00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:07,096
I've had it up to here
with all you people.
327
00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:09,403
I'm gonna go clear my throat
with a shot and a beer.
328
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:11,318
Uh, Colonel,
I wonder if we could have
329
00:16:11,361 --> 00:16:13,885
a four-letter word with you
outside the hospital zone?
330
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:17,411
Fine.
I'm a reasonable man.
331
00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:19,891
-No fists, no fists.
-Save your hands, Pierce.
Use a rock.
332
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:20,980
[chuckles]
333
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:25,810
Tell you what, Colonel.
I'll make a deal with you.
334
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:27,943
We'll stop breaking pillows,
and you stop breaking our butts.
335
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,032
-How about it?
-I don't make deals.
336
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,339
-Then how about
just acting human?
-Better watch it, Captain.
337
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:34,776
Yeah. Be careful, Hunnicutt.
It's against protocol
338
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:37,692
to inform a superior officer
that he is inferior.
339
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:41,043
This man would have to
work his way up to inferior.
340
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,002
Get this: I'm gonna
shape this place up
341
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,047
and I can't think
of a better way to start
342
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:48,094
than barring all of you
from medical service.
343
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:51,706
[laughs] Golly gee, boys
and girls, are we in Dutch.
344
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:53,708
The colonel's gonna make us
stand in a corner of Korea.
345
00:16:53,751 --> 00:16:55,188
And go to bed
without supper.
346
00:16:55,231 --> 00:16:57,059
For which, Colonel,
I shall be eternally grateful.
347
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,626
[chuckles] Yeah.
348
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:00,323
You people think you're
very funny, don't you?
349
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,108
Well, I've had it
with you screwballs.
350
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:04,719
As of right now you're
all on report
351
00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:06,590
for gross insubordination
352
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,592
conduct unbecoming officers,
353
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,159
and anything else
I can think of.
354
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:11,639
I can't believe that.
355
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:14,207
You better
believe it, Major.
356
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:17,645
If I have my way,
you'll all be court-martialed.
357
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:20,430
And since I'm the man
who makes those decisions,
358
00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:23,520
I always get my way.
359
00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:25,783
Let me see you laugh
that one off, gang.
360
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:33,052
Klinger, I want you
to find me a cop--
361
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:42,844
At your service, sir.
362
00:17:44,411 --> 00:17:45,760
What the hell's
going on here?
363
00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:47,501
Well, I'm doing
the daily reports,
364
00:17:47,544 --> 00:17:48,980
Colonel Potter's
correspondence--
365
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:51,679
I'm not talking about that.
366
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:54,116
How could I be
so stupid, sir?
367
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,118
You're worried about
your lube job.
368
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:59,339
I don't understand.
Is there gonna be
a costume party?
369
00:17:59,382 --> 00:18:02,777
Oh, I hope not.
I don't have a thing to wear.
370
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:05,040
Corporal, are you
feeling all right?
371
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,608
Not really, sir.
It's this desert heat.
372
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:11,090
-Even the Sphinx is sweating.
-They've broken you.
373
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:14,136
The only decent soldier here.
They've broken you!
374
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:16,138
This is tragic.
It's tragic.
375
00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:19,228
You need a long rest
far away from this place.
376
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:21,100
I dearly hope you're
not talking discharge, sir.
377
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:22,231
I'd sooner die.
378
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:23,624
I know it breaks
your heart, soldier,
379
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:26,322
but trust me,
it's the only way.
380
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:28,759
With due respect, sir...
381
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,761
as you can plainly see,
I wasn't born yesterday.
382
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:33,155
You're talking
Section Eight.
383
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:35,157
How could you
shame me like that?
384
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:37,159
I'll be the laughingstock
of the Nile!
385
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:41,337
You're ill, son. Deluded.
386
00:18:41,381 --> 00:18:44,210
Now, you lay down
over here and rest.
387
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:46,386
It's not your fault.
388
00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:49,693
I know how hard you've tried
to set an example here.
389
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:51,173
Of course I tried
to set an example.
390
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,740
I am queen of Egypt.
391
00:18:52,783 --> 00:18:55,482
You fought the good fight,
soldier. Now you must rest.
392
00:18:55,525 --> 00:18:57,875
When I leave tomorrow,
you're going with me.
393
00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:00,530
I'm gonna personally see
that your case is expedited.
394
00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:02,489
You'll be stateside
in 72 hours.
395
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,408
Klinger, what
the hell is this?
396
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,410
All hail mighty Caesar.
397
00:19:10,453 --> 00:19:13,108
You look like a furry
Claudette Colbert.
398
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,110
-Get up from there!
-Easy, Potter.
399
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,721
This young trooper has
finally cracked under pressure.
400
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,246
You mean you're
buying this malarkey?
401
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:22,987
Last time,
he was Snow White.
402
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:25,468
You let me worry
about this young lad.
403
00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:26,643
You worry about
your medical staff.
404
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:28,428
I'm bringing them
up on charges.
405
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:31,213
Hold on there, Colonel.
Let's talk this out
in my office.
406
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,868
There's nothing to talk about.
I'm gonna hang the lot of them.
407
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,218
I just thought of something.
408
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:39,352
There is not one more free than
someone with nothing to lose.
409
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:41,354
Catchy, but irrelevant.
410
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,704
Pierce, a truly rational man
does not wax philosophic
411
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:46,968
when his address is about
to be changed to Leavenworth.
412
00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:50,406
Oh, my God.
That's in Kansas.
413
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:53,583
Look, we're already getting
busted for insubordination,
414
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,585
so why don't we go out
in a blaze of glory?
415
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:58,153
-Let the crime
fit the punishment.
-I love it.
416
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,199
-Let's get that twerp.
-Charles?
417
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,591
Pierce,
that is a childish,
418
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:05,160
totally immature and
petulant suggestion.
419
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,075
When do we nail the swine?
420
00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:09,251
-Yes? Yes?
-What? What?
421
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:10,861
He's coming with Potter.
They just left the Mess Tent.
422
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:12,298
Good. Okay, he had dinner.
423
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:13,299
Now he's gonna get
his just deserts.
424
00:20:13,342 --> 00:20:14,822
I still say we
should wait
425
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:17,651
until he's sleeping and
glue his feet together.
426
00:20:17,694 --> 00:20:19,740
I prefer more
colorful action.
427
00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:21,481
Perhaps something
involving a cattle prod.
428
00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:23,352
Nice. Nice touch.
429
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:25,659
-Okay. Come on, Rizzo.
-What?
430
00:20:25,702 --> 00:20:27,835
-We need the table now.
-Why? Is it suppertime?
431
00:20:27,878 --> 00:20:30,098
-Yeah.
-Good. I could use a break.
432
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:32,970
Oh, boy,
is this gonna be great!
433
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:38,324
-Oh, there's a table, Colonel.
-Good.
434
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:40,413
I'll have a shot and a beer.
What'll you have, Colonel?
435
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,415
Uh, Colonel Potter,
can we see you a minute?
436
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:44,808
Uh, excuse me.
Be back in a minute.
437
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,029
-Something's come up.
-What?
438
00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:50,205
-Tucker's number.
-What?
439
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:53,948
-Here we are, sir.
One shot of whiskey.
-I ordered a shot and a beer!
440
00:20:53,991 --> 00:20:56,342
-Where's my beer?
-Beer's on you, Colonel.
441
00:20:57,734 --> 00:21:01,608
[laughter]
442
00:21:03,218 --> 00:21:05,307
Bull's-eye, Pierce.
Excellent marksmanship.
443
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:06,874
[laughter continues]
444
00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:09,790
You jackasses!
445
00:21:09,833 --> 00:21:12,009
Pierce, you imbecile!
446
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:13,837
Did you know you squish
when you walk?
447
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:17,406
Nobody does this
to Daniel Webster Tuck--
448
00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:21,541
-What is it? What's wrong?
-It's his heart!
449
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:23,934
[people gasping]
450
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:26,633
-Look out. Let me help.
-You get the hell away, Pierce!
451
00:21:26,676 --> 00:21:28,765
-Haven't you done enough?
-Get some blankets!
452
00:21:28,809 --> 00:21:31,115
-Get a cardiac kit!
-Come on, man. Hang in there.
453
00:21:31,159 --> 00:21:33,248
-Pierce--Pierce--
-He's saying something.
454
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,729
-He's asking for you.
-Pierce--
455
00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:38,340
-What is it? I can't hear you.
-Is that you, Pierce?
456
00:21:38,384 --> 00:21:41,038
-Yeah. What is it?
-Just one thing.
457
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,694
April Fool.
458
00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:46,348
What?
459
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:47,915
[laughing]
460
00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:53,137
I gotcha, Pierce!
I got all of you April fools.
461
00:21:53,181 --> 00:21:56,706
-I got you, got you, got you.
-[Tucker laughing]
462
00:21:56,750 --> 00:21:58,621
I even got that hairy cuckoo.
463
00:21:58,665 --> 00:22:03,409
If he thinks he's
got his Section Eight,
he's really crazy.
464
00:22:03,452 --> 00:22:07,108
You were marvelous, Dan.
A regular Lionel Barrymore.
465
00:22:07,151 --> 00:22:09,980
I loved that line:
"What do you want, a medal?"
466
00:22:10,024 --> 00:22:12,418
It was like shooting
fish in a barrel.
467
00:22:12,461 --> 00:22:15,856
"Hey, you want to step outside
for a little four-letter word?"
468
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:20,730
I can't believe this!
469
00:22:20,774 --> 00:22:23,951
-You mean the whole--
-We set this up weeks ago.
470
00:22:23,994 --> 00:22:26,519
I knew if Dan pushed
you hard enough
471
00:22:26,562 --> 00:22:28,825
you'd pull a
stupid trick like this.
472
00:22:28,869 --> 00:22:34,004
-You went for it like
a school of hungry carp.
-[all laughing]
473
00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:37,617
I feel the perfect fool.
474
00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:40,576
Fellow jokers, we are in
the presence of greatness.
475
00:22:40,620 --> 00:22:43,449
-Whew!
-We have been royally had.
476
00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:50,194
-Have a beer.
-Have a real one.
477
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:54,677
So don't feel bad, folks.
You really didn't stand
478
00:22:54,721 --> 00:22:56,375
a snowball's chance
in Guam.
479
00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:58,942
Sherm and I have been doing
this for three wars now.
480
00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:00,596
Of course, things didn't
always work out so good.
481
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,076
Remember the time
we slipped
482
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:04,078
the rubber hamburgers
into the chow line?
483
00:23:04,121 --> 00:23:07,255
Yeah. Trouble was,
nobody noticed.
484
00:23:07,298 --> 00:23:10,650
HAWKEYE:
You guys must have been
the life of the foxhole.
485
00:23:10,693 --> 00:23:13,479
Come on, Colonel.
I want to get home
to see my mummy.
486
00:23:17,047 --> 00:23:18,745
What's so funny?
487
00:23:18,788 --> 00:23:21,574
♪♪ [theme]
488
00:23:31,105 --> 00:23:34,021
♪♪ [theme]
38277
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