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00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,134
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:57,492
[phone ringing]
3
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:59,102
-[rustling]
-[ringing continues]
4
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,887
KLINGER: MASH 4077.
5
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:04,847
He's asleep, and so am I.
6
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:08,068
[handset clatters]
7
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:12,420
I'm gonna put a "Do Not
Disturb" sign on the phone.
8
00:01:12,463 --> 00:01:15,553
I'm askin'
for time and a half.
9
00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:18,382
[yawns]
Oh, he's gonna kill me.
10
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,653
POTTER:
[yawning] Come in.
11
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:31,874
-Sir, telephone.
-POTTER: Telephone?
12
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:35,138
It's 3:30
in the blessed A.M.!
13
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:37,749
Even the roosters
are comatose.
14
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,925
KLINGER:
So was I a minute ago.
15
00:01:39,969 --> 00:01:41,492
POTTER:
All right, all right.
16
00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:47,933
If this fella
isn't a general,
17
00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:51,807
I'm gonna sing him
a four-letter aria
he won't forget.
18
00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:53,939
You call yourself
a company clerk.
19
00:01:53,983 --> 00:01:55,419
What happened?
Your pencil break?
20
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:57,160
You couldn't take a message?
21
00:01:57,204 --> 00:02:00,294
Don't blame me, sir.
The man said it was
very important.
22
00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:05,125
Potter!
And this better be good.
23
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:09,955
Oh, I see.
24
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,348
That bad.
25
00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:15,918
You're sure?
26
00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:18,442
Well, test results don't lie.
27
00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:22,707
Okay, thanks.
Thanks very much.
28
00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:27,538
Klinger.
29
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:30,976
Snap to, grunt.
30
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:33,022
Klinger, Maxwell Q.
Reporting as threatened, sir.
31
00:02:33,065 --> 00:02:34,415
I gotta head out to Tokyo.
32
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,895
Grab a fistful of phone
and get me a flight out.
33
00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:38,984
Is the colonel suggesting
I do it first thing
in the morning?
34
00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:41,726
The colonel is suggesting
you do it first thing
immediately.
35
00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:43,032
Meantime, I'll go pack.
36
00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,947
Yes, sir. Oh,
just one thing, sir.
37
00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:47,079
While you're gone, who's gonna
be head honcho in charge?
38
00:02:47,123 --> 00:02:49,430
-Uh, Pierce'll do.
-Well, begging your
protocol, sir
39
00:02:49,473 --> 00:02:51,736
but won't that get
Major Winchester's
nose out of joint
40
00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:54,217
-and possibly mine,
when I tell him?
-It's Pierce, Corporal.
41
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,785
I make the decisions
around here.
You just explain 'em.
42
00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:58,917
Yes, sir. Oh, but if we need
you, where will you be, sir?
43
00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:01,268
-Tokyo General.
-Hospital? What for, sir?
44
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,792
I'm gonna visit
a sick friend.
45
00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:06,969
-Oh, Beej, listen!
You hear that?
-[birds chirping]
46
00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:08,710
No. I don't hear a sound.
47
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:10,146
Exactly.
And that's because,
48
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,800
since I assumed
the mantle of command,
49
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:14,629
this place has been humming
along like a well-oiled marine.
50
00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:17,675
Hawk, the only order
you've given in two days
is for a double scotch.
51
00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:21,026
All part of my master plan,
leadership by lack of example.
52
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,376
I command by doing nothing.
53
00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,116
I know the feeling.
Second grade,
54
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,031
I was hall monitor
in a one-room schoolhouse.
55
00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:27,294
Yeah, well,
you better get to work.
56
00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:29,165
Here comes your whole class.
57
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,776
Hi. I'm Betty Halpern,
Red Cross.
58
00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:33,430
We're looking
for some doctors.
59
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,084
What a coincidence.
We're looking
for some patients.
60
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,564
This is Dr. Pierce,
benevolent despot.
61
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:37,826
I'm Dr. Hunnicutt,
loyal subject.
62
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,871
-Who are your friends?
-Refugees.
63
00:03:39,915 --> 00:03:41,525
Their village was shelled,
burned to the ground.
64
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,658
I'm taking them
south to relocate.
65
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:45,660
Nothing spoils a neighborhood
faster than artillery.
66
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,096
Any serious wounds?
67
00:03:47,139 --> 00:03:48,663
Well, no,
but we had to hide out
68
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,926
in some farmland to avoid
a North Korean patrol.
69
00:03:50,969 --> 00:03:52,580
Wound up in a patch
of thorny bushes.
70
00:03:52,623 --> 00:03:54,103
Scratched everyone up bad.
71
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:55,452
We could use some first aid.
72
00:03:55,496 --> 00:03:56,627
These kids have
a lot of scratches.
73
00:03:56,671 --> 00:03:58,194
Some puncture marks too.
74
00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,891
We better inoculate them
for tetanus, you know.
75
00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:02,372
-Is that really necessary?
-Yeah, I think so.
76
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:03,678
There's probably
a lot of manure around.
77
00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:04,853
We don't want to take
any chances.
78
00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:09,249
All right.
[speaking Korean]
79
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,772
Where do you want us?
80
00:04:10,815 --> 00:04:11,990
You can use the mess tent.
It's right over there.
81
00:04:12,034 --> 00:04:13,862
Just follow the
bouncing meatball.
82
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:16,299
We're inoculating some
Koreans, sir, but that's all.
83
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:19,346
Don't worry. You got me here
to keep things under control.
84
00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:22,914
Buffalo bagels. Did you
get at those weekly reports,
85
00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:26,048
or are you just sitting
there with your feet up,
smoking my cigars?
86
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:30,008
[grunts] Working, sir.
Uh, busy as a beaver.
87
00:04:30,052 --> 00:04:32,402
Uh, got your reports
half finished.
88
00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:36,624
I want them all finitoed
by the time I get back tomorrow.
89
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:39,540
And another thing.
Has a package arrived for me?
90
00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:40,976
Just your laundry, sir.
91
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:42,630
They starched
your shorts again.
92
00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:45,372
Damn! I haven't stopped
chafing from the last batch.
93
00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:46,895
Listen, if that
package comes in,
94
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:49,593
you guard it
with your very life.
95
00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,291
Sounds important,
sir. What is it?
96
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:52,509
Mind your own beeswax.
97
00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:54,729
But if anything happens
to that package,
98
00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:58,950
you'll be peeling spuds
till Idaho makes you
their state bird.
99
00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:00,256
Do you read me?
100
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,954
Loud and fearful,
wrathful leader.
101
00:05:02,998 --> 00:05:04,652
-[laughing]
-Children. Children.
102
00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:06,567
Please.
103
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:09,961
It's not nice for
little boys and girls
to behave like lunatics.
104
00:05:10,005 --> 00:05:12,660
Hey, take it easy, champ.
It's just a simple little test.
105
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,096
[speaking Korean]
106
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:16,794
There. See?
Nothin' to it.
107
00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:19,275
How long before you'll know
if they're allergic?
108
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,363
Just a couple minutes.
109
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:21,364
Oh, good.
110
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:26,238
[speaking Korean]
111
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,153
You're a heartless woman,
Betty Halpern.
112
00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:30,155
Ah. I love kids.
113
00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:32,723
The late Mr. H. and I
raised three.
114
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:35,073
These children are like
a second family.
115
00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:37,641
I'm not having much luck with
these children, Mrs. Halpern.
116
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:39,339
Maybe you can
quiet them down.
117
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:40,905
After all,
you speak their language.
118
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:42,864
Glad to, Father.
119
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:46,302
[whistles]
Okay everybody, pipe down!
120
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,912
-[laughing]
-Eh--
121
00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:49,610
I guess it's all in
the delivery.
122
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,699
What's wrong?
123
00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:53,483
You got a blister
or something here?
124
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:56,051
What is it?
Let me see that.
125
00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:59,271
-Uh-oh. Dr. Pierce.
-HAWKEYE: Yeah.
126
00:05:59,315 --> 00:06:01,752
-Look.
-What is it?
127
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,972
She's having a reaction
to the serum.
128
00:06:04,015 --> 00:06:05,147
Same thing over here, Hawk.
129
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,062
All these people
are reacting.
130
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:09,325
What we need now is
cool, calm leadership,
131
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,719
and thanks
to Colonel Potter's
dubious selection--
132
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:14,330
[chuckles]
we have none.
133
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,462
We have to dilute.
134
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:16,506
Why, what's the problem?
135
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:17,942
Full strength
inoculations
136
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:19,727
could put them into
anaphylactic shock.
137
00:06:19,770 --> 00:06:22,077
I'll make arrangements for
everybody to stay overnight.
138
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,210
I'm really sorry for all this
fuss. I appreciate your help.
139
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:27,299
Well, don't be too grateful.
You haven't eaten dinner yet.
140
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,518
[laughing]
141
00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:30,172
Hey. Hey!
142
00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:32,348
Come on, slugger,
it's time to go beddy-bye.
143
00:06:33,654 --> 00:06:35,046
Put 3, 400 pounds
on this guy,
144
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,787
you got yourself
a great sumo wrestler.
145
00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:39,137
[chuckles] No, thanks.
I'm over-matched at it is.
146
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:41,618
You know, at night,
there's nothing I like
better than
147
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:46,406
to sit back, relax,
and think of these kids
over a good stiff belt.
148
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,190
After a couple of rounds
with these half pints,
149
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,670
I could use a couple of
quarts myself.
150
00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:52,194
-I'm not in shape for this.
-I gotcha.
151
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:54,718
[chuckles] Oh, that was
a nice field run, crazy legs.
152
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:57,852
KLINGER: And he huffs,
and he puffs,
153
00:06:57,895 --> 00:07:00,028
and he can't blow
the house down.
154
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:01,769
And you know what
happens then, Rita?
155
00:07:01,812 --> 00:07:04,902
I call you Rita after
my favorite movie star.
156
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:07,078
You're as pretty as she is.
157
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:08,863
Anyway,
158
00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:13,476
the Big Bad Wolf slides
right down the chimney.
159
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,566
-[whistles descending tone]
-[crying]
160
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:19,177
Hey. Hey, what's wrong?
161
00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:21,353
Oh, don't worry.
162
00:07:21,397 --> 00:07:24,400
Nothing's gonna hurt you here.
163
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,925
Come on now. I'll finish
the story tomorrow night.
164
00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:30,624
Honest.
It has a happy ending.
165
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,846
-KLINGER: Okay.
-HAWKEYE: Night, kids.
166
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:39,284
Sweet dreams, kids.
God knows, you deserve 'em.
167
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:42,897
Thanks for the buggy ride.
168
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,683
[children chattering]
169
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:51,558
What's going on here,
open house?
170
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:53,560
[chattering continues]
171
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:55,562
Klinger, I'm--
172
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:58,478
Who in the name of Annie's
argyles are all these kids?
173
00:07:58,521 --> 00:08:01,263
Ah, sir, welcome back
to the black hole of Korea.
174
00:08:01,306 --> 00:08:03,265
-How's your friend in Tokyo?
-Never you mind.
175
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:05,267
I asked you, who's this?
176
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:07,922
Oh, this is Private Rita,
executive assistant clerk.
177
00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:10,359
Cute as a bug
in a Persian rug,
isn't she, sir?
178
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,361
She's a Korean
Myrna Loy, all right.
179
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:14,668
But what is she
and the Dalton Gang
doing here?
180
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:17,192
I told you about them
on the phone. They came
in here for shots.
181
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:18,585
But things got
a little complicated.
182
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:20,543
Dr. Pierce says no problem.
183
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,066
Fine!
Did my package arrive?
184
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:23,677
No, sir. The mail
hasn't come in yet.
185
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,637
-Ah!
-Sir, this girl is a prodigy!
186
00:08:27,681 --> 00:08:30,858
She just typed "dribnif,"
and correctly, I might add.
187
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,555
Wonderful. Take
a lesson from her.
188
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,775
I'm gonna go unpack
and eat.
189
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:37,081
Don't mind him.
It's his shorts.
190
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:39,431
Wow, how these kids
can pack it in.
191
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:42,347
Yeah, well, I always did enjoy
having breakfast in bedlam.
192
00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:44,698
[chuckles]
193
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:47,048
Hmm. Eggs.
194
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,138
Hey, those are eggs.
195
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:53,663
I guess I need
an interpreter.
196
00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:55,622
[speaking Korean]
197
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:02,629
Well, you have to understand
the Army's sense of humor.
198
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:03,630
[laughing]
199
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:05,283
Hey, the colonel's back!
200
00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,242
Hello, sir! Come over
here and sit with us.
201
00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:09,984
Colonel, welcome back
to P.S. 4077.
202
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:12,639
I'm happy to report
that things are both
hunky and dory.
203
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:14,945
I return your sword
of command, sir.
204
00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:16,468
How's your friend in Tokyo?
205
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,906
I'm not in a talking
mood, Major.
206
00:09:18,949 --> 00:09:20,908
Oh, how do you do,
ma'am?
207
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,040
Oh, Colonel. this is the lady
who brought us all the kids.
208
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,825
Betty Halpern,
Colonel Sherman Potter.
209
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,217
You two have a lot in common.
210
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:27,610
You're both
in charge of children.
211
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,220
-My pleasure.
-How do you do, Colonel?
212
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:30,613
We came here with
quite a problem.
213
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,615
Your people are really
helping us out.
214
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,095
So I hear.
What's the trouble?
215
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:35,444
They all needed
tetanus inoculations,
216
00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:36,880
but they're reacting
to the skin tests.
217
00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:38,621
Every one of them
is allergic to it,
218
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:39,622
and we can't
figure out why.
219
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,145
I'll tell you why.
220
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:42,669
The only meat these folks
get is horsemeat.
221
00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:44,409
It sensitizes
the whole system.
222
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,846
You're using horse serum,
aren't you?
223
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,021
They're allergic to it.
224
00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:48,544
Of course. Given time,
225
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,024
I would have deduced
the same thing.
226
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,373
I kinda doubt that, Charles.
227
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:52,766
You have absolutely
no horse sense.
228
00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:54,681
Clomp your foot twice
if you disagree.
229
00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:56,030
[laughing]
230
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:58,032
Nothing to joke about.
231
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,903
It's a tragedy people
have to eat horses.
232
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:01,513
They're beautiful
animals.
233
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:03,820
You ever take a peek
at a cow or a pig?
234
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:07,171
They're ugly.
We're doing 'em a favor
by eating 'em.
235
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:09,347
Saves them the agony of
looking at their reflections
236
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:10,827
in the trough every morning.
237
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:13,351
But a horse,
that's a noble beast.
238
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,092
Why, in the Cavalry,
239
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:17,704
a man's steed was his best
friend, a real companion.
240
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:20,837
Where do people get off
making pork chops out of 'em?
241
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:23,492
Too much killing
in this world.
Too much death.
242
00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:26,669
No respect for people,
for tradition, for life.
243
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,845
The whole world's
spinning down the tubes,
244
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,368
and nobody
even seems to notice.
245
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:32,196
I don't know. I--
246
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:43,860
Uh, I think I'll go
check on the mail again.
247
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:45,122
Good day, ma'am.
248
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:57,657
Hey! A letter from my
cousin Fatima! [sniffs]
249
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,964
Ahh, everything she touches
smells like jasmine.
250
00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:03,271
Klinger, I'm gonna
scuttle your butt
if you don't move it.
251
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:05,403
Consider it moved, sir.
252
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:09,146
Oh, wait a minute!
Here's something!
253
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:10,626
"To Colonel Sherman Potter
254
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,846
from Smith, Smith and Brown,
attorneys-at-law."
255
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,195
I don't trust
those names, sir.
256
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:15,544
Can the critique
and give me that.
257
00:11:15,587 --> 00:11:17,198
I bet I can guess
what it is. Gimme a hint.
258
00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:19,417
Curiosity KO'ed
the feline, Klinger.
259
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:21,724
I'd take note of that
if I were you.
And in case you don't,
260
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:24,292
I'm locking this up
in my desk.
261
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:25,859
Oh, one other thing.
262
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:28,296
As long as you're doing
postal duty, deliver these.
263
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:31,734
-Sir, may I ask--
-No!
264
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:34,389
Okay, ten shots--
one every two hours.
265
00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:35,912
Ah, a mere 20 hours
266
00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:37,827
until we're released
from the munchkin horde.
267
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:39,524
Charles, have you been
hoarding munchkins again?
268
00:11:39,568 --> 00:11:42,136
-Not worthy of you.
-Hi-ho, medicos.
269
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:44,704
I bring you written greetings
from our inscrutable leader.
270
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:48,055
-Pierce, Hawkeye.
-Ah, undoubtedly
a letter of commendation
271
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,231
for the outstandingly
average manner
272
00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:51,798
in which I ran our unit.
273
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,451
Wrong,
defrocked chieftain.
274
00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:55,149
All the Indians got them--
275
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:56,280
Father Mulcahy,
Major Houlihan,
276
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:58,282
even me,
a lowly brave.
277
00:11:58,326 --> 00:11:59,936
Winchester, Charles.
278
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:01,459
Eh, curiouser
and curiouser.
279
00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:02,983
What does this contain,
Klinger?
280
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,332
Beats me,
and I read mine.
281
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:05,812
Hunnicutt, B.J.
282
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,857
Ah, I'm all aquiver.
283
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:11,731
"You are invited to my tent
tomorrow night at 1900 hours.
284
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:14,559
Cordially, Sherman Potter.
P.S. That's an order."
285
00:12:14,603 --> 00:12:16,126
I don't understand.
286
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:17,998
You won't believe
what was left on my door.
287
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,521
The crowd thickens.
288
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:20,740
Let me guess.
Does it look like this?
289
00:12:20,783 --> 00:12:22,785
-You got one too?
-We all did.
290
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:26,136
Hello, all.
Say, I just received
the most peculiar--
291
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,966
Oh. Does anyone know
what this means?
292
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:31,968
I do. We're all invited
to Colonel Potter's tent
293
00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:33,535
for an after-dinner riddle.
294
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:35,580
Klinger, did he say anything
when he gave these to you?
295
00:12:35,624 --> 00:12:36,930
No. Just ordered me
to deliver 'em
296
00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:38,192
and made a beeline
for his office
297
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:39,889
with that package
he got today.
298
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,761
-Package? What was in it?
-I don't know,
299
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:43,458
but he's been antsy
about getting it
300
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:44,589
ever since
the trip to Tokyo.
301
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:46,461
Came from some lawyers.
302
00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,245
Lawyers?
303
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:50,508
Why would he be hearing
from lawyers?
304
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:52,684
-Divorce?
-That's stupid.
305
00:12:52,728 --> 00:12:54,948
Who would divorce that
sweet, wonderful man?
306
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,688
Maybe it's, uh--
Maybe it's a lawsuit.
307
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:57,864
Tax problem.
308
00:12:57,907 --> 00:13:00,083
Or a will.
309
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:03,521
Uh, I don't wish to sound
ghoulish, and, mind you,
310
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:06,350
I-- I pray I'm assessing
the evidence incorrectly,
311
00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:07,917
but what if--
312
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:10,354
what if the sick friend
with the bad lab report
313
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,487
is a ruse and it's
Colonel Potter who's sick?
314
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:13,531
-No.
-Nah.
315
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:14,663
Don't even think that.
316
00:13:14,706 --> 00:13:16,012
Let's not
jump to conclusions.
317
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:18,710
Agreed, but that would
explain the phone call,
318
00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:20,669
the trip to Tokyo,
his mood,
319
00:13:20,712 --> 00:13:22,105
and the package from
lawyers.
320
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:23,672
Yes, it would.
321
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:28,720
Look, if he's ill,
we'll find out soon enough.
322
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,244
I'm sure he'll tell us
in his own way.
323
00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:31,898
Maybe he is.
324
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:37,860
-Okay, they're ready.
-[children chattering]
325
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:40,254
I told Colonel Potter
we all wanted to talk to him.
326
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:42,256
-And?
-No soap.
327
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,258
He says he'll explain
everything tomorrow night.
328
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:46,434
Until then, he wants
to be left alone.
329
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,001
No news is
frustrating news.
330
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:49,741
Klinger, you're supposed
to be spying on him.
331
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:52,527
-Didn't you find any clues?
-He's too shifty.
332
00:13:52,570 --> 00:13:56,183
Oh, ridiculous.
Surely you know something.
333
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:57,749
What was he doing
when you left?
334
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,708
Nothing much.
Just sitting in his office
335
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:01,623
listening to French records.
336
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:04,234
French records?
That does it,
I'm gonna talk to him.
337
00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:06,454
Relax, Margaret.
You can't be a mother hen
338
00:14:06,497 --> 00:14:08,673
to a man old enough to be
your father, all right?
339
00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:10,675
All right, but the waiting
is killing me.
340
00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:13,461
Okay, step right up.
First come, first shot.
341
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:16,464
-Come on, honey.
-Three doctors, no stalling.
342
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:19,815
♪♪ [violin on phonograph]
343
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:27,518
[chuckles]
344
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:33,916
♪♪ [continues]
345
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:42,838
Wait.
346
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:49,018
Come here, son.
347
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,762
Right over here.
I don't bite.
348
00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:07,907
You like the old Victrola,
huh? Me, too.
349
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:15,784
Yeah, round and round.
That's "Roses of Picardy,"
350
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:18,439
top of the hit parade
in W.W.I.
351
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:24,488
Got some memories
in here too.
352
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:31,974
See? That private is me
in Paris. I was just a kid.
353
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:35,847
Thought the mustache made me
look grown up. Did, too.
354
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:43,638
[chuckles]
That's me, honest.
355
00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:47,120
Course, then, I didn't
have this snow on the roof.
356
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:50,253
Seems like only yesterday.
357
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:52,864
Yep.
358
00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:55,041
Life was a kind of a "now
you see it, now you don't"
359
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:57,434
proposition.
360
00:15:57,478 --> 00:15:59,828
It was all in front
of me then, though.
361
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:02,874
Like it is now for you.
362
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:06,226
You're off to a kind
of a rough start,
363
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:10,099
but I bet you've got some
glorious times ahead of you.
364
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,234
I just pray to God
they stop this war
365
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:17,411
and forget how
to make any more of 'em.
366
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:23,156
Hey, you know what
I picked up in Tokyo?
367
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:26,594
Some fudge.
368
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:30,163
Go on. Try some.
369
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:35,516
It's top-notch, honest.
Watch.
370
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:39,563
Mmm!
371
00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:43,611
♪♪ [continues]
372
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,837
Mmm!
373
00:16:56,798 --> 00:16:58,887
KLINGER:
Okay, kid, this is it.
374
00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:01,759
It was just a brief encounter,
but I'll be thinking about you.
375
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:06,808
I always give
my heart too easily.
376
00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:09,028
-Well, when you gotta go--
-So long, Betty.
377
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:11,247
Next time you're
in the neighborhood,
drop in for a booster.
378
00:17:11,291 --> 00:17:13,249
[laughs] Thanks, Doctor,
we'll do that.
379
00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:16,296
-You people have been
a real shot in the arm.
-[chuckles]
380
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:18,646
-God be with you.
-I appreciate it, Father.
381
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:21,388
-[grunts]
-We can use all
the blessings we can get.
382
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:24,739
-Good-bye and good luck.
-See ya. Thanks.
383
00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:27,481
-Don't throw any
spitballs at the driver.
-[Charles laughs]
384
00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:28,743
Whatever you do,
don't pick up any snipers.
385
00:17:28,786 --> 00:17:30,223
A good idea.
386
00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:33,226
-[bus engine starts]
-[overlapping farewells]
387
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,271
-Terrific bunch of kids.
-Yeah.
388
00:17:42,365 --> 00:17:46,456
-Well, here we are.
-Sure are.
389
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,416
I guess we can just go on in.
390
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,853
-Uh, that's right.
-Maybe we're early?
391
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:54,769
-Yeah.
-I-I wanna know,
but I don't wanna know,
392
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:58,033
-you know?
-I know, yeah.
393
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,991
Well, we can't, uh,
put this off forever.
394
00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:01,123
Somebody
knock on the door.
395
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:03,125
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
396
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,910
Well, all right,
I'll-- I'll do it.
397
00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:09,479
Entrez-vous.
398
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,309
Father, glad you
could make it.
399
00:18:13,353 --> 00:18:16,312
Margaret, come on in.
Why don't you sit here?
400
00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,314
Pierce, thanks for coming.
401
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,316
-B.J.
-Colonel.
402
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,318
-Klinger.
-Sir.
403
00:18:22,362 --> 00:18:24,842
-Major.
-Sir.
404
00:18:24,886 --> 00:18:27,715
Now, I know I've been acting
a little goofy lately,
405
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,499
but there's
a good reason for it.
406
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:30,587
Colonel.
407
00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:32,894
What's with her?
408
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:35,201
I'd do the same thing
if I didn't think
you'd slug me.
409
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:36,724
What's that
supposed to mean?
410
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,334
We're worried about you,
Colonel.
411
00:18:38,378 --> 00:18:40,945
Rest assured, Colonel.
You have our total support.
412
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:43,165
Right. We're behind you
all the way, sir.
413
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:45,689
No matter what
the problem may be.
414
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:49,954
Thanks, Padre,
I appreciate that, I suppose.
415
00:18:49,998 --> 00:18:52,392
Now, if you'll all put
the tear ducts on simmer,
416
00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:54,698
I'll lay out the whole story.
417
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:57,310
I guess you're wondering
about the old-fashioned getup.
418
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:58,659
Well, now that you
mention it--
419
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:03,925
Yep. Still smells
like mothballs.
420
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:08,843
It was a long time ago--
1917, to be exact.
421
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:13,195
And I've put on a dozen
or so pounds since then.
422
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,718
We were in France,
423
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:18,026
under a heavy
artillery barrage.
424
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:22,030
My buddies and I laid low
in an old French chateau.
425
00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:24,685
We were quite a group,
the five of us.
426
00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,904
Went through hell together
427
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:30,169
and lived to get drunk
about it.
428
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:32,083
What a great bunch of guys.
429
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:37,480
That's us. I'm the one
mugging for the camera.
430
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:41,354
Anyway, there we are
in this chateau.
431
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,878
So Stein finds a cache
of fine brandy,
432
00:19:43,921 --> 00:19:45,706
and we sat up all night.
433
00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:47,142
The shells were screaming,
434
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,624
and we were singing
and toasting our friendship.
435
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,626
Then we got down
to the last bottle--
436
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:59,589
This, uh, very bottle here.
437
00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:02,070
Any of you know
what a tontine is?
438
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:06,117
Yes. A tontine
is a...pledge.
439
00:20:06,161 --> 00:20:09,164
Give that man a cheroot.
440
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,732
The five of us made a pledge.
441
00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:13,734
We'd save this bottle,
442
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:16,737
let some legal eagle
stow it for us,
443
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:18,260
and whoever turned out to be
444
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:21,394
the last survivor
of the group,
445
00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:25,136
well, he'd get the bottle
446
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:28,618
and drink a toast
to his old buddies.
447
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:33,928
For good or bad, you're
looking at the last survivor.
448
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:36,887
I got the job when Gresky
passed on in Tokyo.
449
00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:38,280
He had the bottle
sent here,
450
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:40,151
-God rest his soul.
-So that's what it is.
451
00:20:40,195 --> 00:20:42,458
-Thank God I was wrong.
-Colonel, we thought
you were sick.
452
00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:44,025
I was sick,
453
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,680
just thinking how
all my friends are gone now.
454
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:50,205
Felt a little sorry for myself,
too, getting up in years.
455
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:54,122
But I'm looking at things
a bit different now.
456
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:56,777
I've been a very lucky man.
457
00:20:56,820 --> 00:21:02,043
I've had some wondrous,
joyous times.
458
00:21:02,086 --> 00:21:04,959
That's what counts.
459
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:09,180
We were so alive back then.
460
00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:13,054
It was something.
461
00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:17,101
But, as much as my
old friends meant to me...
462
00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:23,412
I think you new friends
mean even more.
463
00:21:28,809 --> 00:21:32,595
So I'd like you to share
this bottle with me.
464
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,249
We'd be honored, Colonel.
465
00:21:40,037 --> 00:21:41,517
Uh, pass it around,
would you, Pierce?
466
00:21:43,214 --> 00:21:45,173
As I recall...
467
00:21:45,216 --> 00:21:48,089
it was mighty smooth in '17.
468
00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:50,134
Well, it should be
magnificent now.
469
00:21:50,178 --> 00:21:54,182
Just one thing. I'd like
to make the first toast solo
470
00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:56,097
to my old buddies.
471
00:21:58,273 --> 00:22:00,319
Here's to you, boys.
472
00:22:00,362 --> 00:22:05,846
To Ryan, who died in W.W.I,
the war to end all wars.
473
00:22:05,889 --> 00:22:09,937
To Gianelli, who died
in the war after that.
474
00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:13,810
To Stein,
the joker of the crowd.
475
00:22:13,854 --> 00:22:16,987
And to Gresky,
my best friend
476
00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:20,121
who just passed away in Tokyo.
477
00:22:20,164 --> 00:22:23,690
You were the friends
of my youth.
478
00:22:23,733 --> 00:22:26,693
My comrades through
thick and thin
479
00:22:26,736 --> 00:22:30,392
and everything in between.
480
00:22:30,436 --> 00:22:33,700
I drink to your memories.
481
00:22:33,743 --> 00:22:35,919
I loved you fellows...
482
00:22:37,617 --> 00:22:39,445
one and all.
483
00:22:47,104 --> 00:22:50,630
Still mighty smooth.
484
00:22:50,673 --> 00:22:54,677
Okay, that's the old.
Now for the new.
485
00:22:54,721 --> 00:22:57,593
To love and friendship.
486
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,262
-Sir! What's--
-Don't ask!
487
00:23:14,305 --> 00:23:16,395
-Just take a memo!
-Yes, sir.
488
00:23:16,438 --> 00:23:19,398
To all laundry personnel.
As of this date,
489
00:23:19,441 --> 00:23:22,705
the use of starch
in laundering clothing
490
00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:26,883
is expressly forbidden,
especially my shorts!
491
00:23:26,927 --> 00:23:28,494
Send it out, quick!
492
00:23:31,105 --> 00:23:34,021
♪♪ [theme]
493
00:23:44,161 --> 00:23:47,164
♪♪ [theme]
37036
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