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♪♪ [theme]
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-Not another one.
-I'm afraid so, sir.
3
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[men groaning]
4
00:00:58,710 --> 00:01:00,408
NURSE: Ohh!
5
00:01:00,451 --> 00:01:02,584
Lieutenant, your face is
greener than your fatigues.
6
00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:04,064
Why don't you park it
for a bit?
7
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:06,501
Oh, yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
8
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Come on, Rizzo. I'll steer.
You just move your feet.
9
00:01:09,982 --> 00:01:12,507
Oh, Colonel,
you know how you feel
10
00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:15,075
after you've been out
all weekend
11
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:18,339
drinking cheap booze
and eating chili dogs?
12
00:01:18,382 --> 00:01:21,907
-Yeah.
-I wish I felt that good.
13
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You just hang on to the bunk.
I'll get something
14
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:27,087
that'll put
you and your stomach
back on speaking terms.
15
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:30,046
I can take the truth, sir.
What is it?
16
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,397
Rabies? Was I bit by a rat?
17
00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:36,139
No, it isn't rabies.
We just got the lab report.
18
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,749
Looks like salmonella.
19
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:40,012
Sam and Ella? Who are they?
20
00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:41,797
Rizzo, you're sicker
than I thought.
21
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Get some rest.
22
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:44,713
[man groaning]
23
00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:45,975
Colonel,
what's happened here?
24
00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:47,368
Morning, Padre.
25
00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:49,021
You said we were in for
a quiet Thanksgiving,
26
00:01:49,065 --> 00:01:50,719
or I never would've gone
to the orphanage.
27
00:01:50,762 --> 00:01:52,373
Put him over there.
28
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:54,462
These are our own people,
not casualties, Father.
29
00:01:54,505 --> 00:01:57,073
Let me have your
attention for a minute.
30
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:01,033
Is there anyone here
who did not have some of
the turkey last night?
31
00:02:01,077 --> 00:02:03,253
[all groaning]
32
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:04,907
Well, folks,
33
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:07,301
looks like we were bitten
by the bird that fed us.
34
00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:09,738
I'm afraid we're
in for a siege.
35
00:02:09,781 --> 00:02:11,957
You mean Klinger poisoned us
36
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:14,046
with his
Thanksgiving surprise?
37
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-Looks that way.
-Now I hope I live
38
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:19,356
just so I can kill Klinger.
39
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,879
This is the first time
I can recall
40
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:23,447
giving thanks for missing
Thanksgiving.
41
00:02:23,491 --> 00:02:26,058
-Aren't the others back yet?
-No. I'm alone.
42
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:28,974
I feel like Snow White with
a house full of sick dwarfs.
43
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:30,324
Perhaps I could be of help.
44
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You bet your bottom collar
you can.
45
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-Pick a patient, any patient.
-Good.
46
00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,547
Colonel, Colonel!
Good news--
47
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,549
[men groaning]
48
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:40,986
-Assassin!
-What'd I do?
49
00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:43,424
You poisoned us
with your turkey,
buzzard beak!
50
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,426
What's that
supposed to mean, sir?
51
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:48,820
It turned out your turkeys
gave everybody the trots.
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My turkeys were
first-class birds.
Genuine army issue.
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00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:56,001
Sure. War surplus.
54
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:59,266
They came straight from
Sergeant Thomopoulous at
I-Corps Quartermaster.
55
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:01,616
And if anybody knows turkeys,
it's Thomopoulous.
56
00:03:01,659 --> 00:03:03,531
This was one of
my biggest deals.
57
00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:05,750
You had to go
to Thomopoulous,
didn't you?
58
00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:08,840
I could've got us good turkeys
from a crook you could trust.
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00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,233
Colonel,
it couldn't have been
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00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,409
the turkey
that caused all this.
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00:03:12,453 --> 00:03:16,457
Really? Why?
62
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:19,416
We ate it, too.
Need I say more?
63
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,854
-Did you reach the doctors?
-Yes and no.
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00:03:22,898 --> 00:03:25,944
I missed Majors Houlihan
and Winchester at the 8063rd.
65
00:03:25,988 --> 00:03:28,512
-They should be here
in an hour or so.
-That'll help.
66
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:30,253
But I contacted
Captains Pierce
and Hunnicutt
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00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:31,776
at the Kansong
Battalion Aid.
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00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:34,170
Can they get their hands
on the antibiotics we need?
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00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:37,173
Yeah, but it'll be
three or four hours
till they get here.
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00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,176
Well, have to do.
Oh, uh, by the way, Klinger,
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00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,135
for Christmas
we eat out.
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00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,007
HAWKEYE: Will you slow down
to the speed of sound?
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00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:46,313
I can't hear myself scream.
74
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:48,053
B.J.: Klinger said
we had to hurry.
75
00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:50,012
It's only 74 miles
as the jeep flies.
76
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:52,275
Might be more than that.
We're lost.
77
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,930
Lost? As in
"Where the hell are we?"
78
00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:56,888
We're not totally lost.
We're still in Asia.
79
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:58,455
You said
this was a shortcut.
80
00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:00,414
It is a shortcut!
Look how fast we got lost.
81
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:01,676
You nerd! Go back!
82
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:02,851
Back where?
83
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,679
Back where we weren't lost!
84
00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:06,028
-Watch out!
-Hang on!
85
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:13,340
[groans, coughs]
86
00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:15,994
-Are you okay?
-Yeah. You?
87
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:17,300
I think so, yeah.
But remind me to
88
00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:19,084
hang a sign
on your next car:
89
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,782
"Caution: Student Maniac."
90
00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:23,306
Don't complain. I missed
that wreck, didn't I?
91
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,787
Yeah, but I think
you need a little practice
on parallel parking.
92
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,441
Don't be silly.
Give me a hand here,
93
00:04:27,484 --> 00:04:29,573
and we'll get this thing
back on its feet.
94
00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:31,140
Are you sure you know
what you're doing here?
95
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:33,098
No problem. I saw
some M.P.s do it once.
96
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:34,883
We just have
to get it rocking.
97
00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:38,800
Push and rock back.
Push and rock back.
98
00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:43,239
Push and rock back.
Push! Push!
99
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:47,025
-Oh, my God!
-[screams]
100
00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:48,984
Well, what are you
waiting for? Get in.
101
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:53,380
-Very well.
-[men groaning]
102
00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:54,685
There you are.
103
00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:57,166
Feeling better, Rizzo?
104
00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:59,037
-Hey, Father.
-Mm-hm?
105
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:01,083
Can I make a confession?
106
00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,998
Certainly, Sergeant.
107
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:06,480
I murdered somebody...
tomorrow.
108
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,482
Come on.
I'm tryin' to help.
109
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:11,223
You want to help?
Die on your own.
110
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:14,618
Klinger,
how are the belladonna and
the paregoric holding up?
111
00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:16,620
Getting pretty low, sir.
112
00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:18,840
Colonel,
you better go lie down.
113
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You're getting kind of blurry.
114
00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:23,801
-Corpsman!
-Yes, sir?
115
00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:25,368
Oh, right here, sir.
116
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,501
Here's a little poetic
justice for you, Father.
117
00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:29,764
Just put him in this bunk
for a while.
118
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,157
Cover him up.
Check his temp and pulse.
119
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:34,377
-Can you do that?
-Just watch my smoke, Colonel.
120
00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:35,726
[groaning]
121
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,815
Serves you right, you bum.
122
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:41,819
Hey, everybody,
Klinger's got it.
123
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:44,300
[cheering, applause]
124
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:48,173
Well, Padre, looks like
it's down to just you and--
125
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[gagging]
126
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:53,091
HAWKEYE:
Well, Kemo Sabe, now what?
127
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:54,789
Just keep your eyes
and ears peeled,
128
00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:56,530
move along fast,
and keep low.
129
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,227
Good idea.
130
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,751
This is the most ridiculous
war I've ever seen.
131
00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:02,666
-[screams]
-[gasps]
132
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:05,974
-[speaking Korean]
-Don't shoot!
133
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:14,504
[speaking Korean]
134
00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:16,854
What's goin' on here, Beej?
135
00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,813
What are you askin' me for?
136
00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:20,902
I think he's surrendering.
Let's put our hands down.
137
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:22,904
Okay.
You go first.
138
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:25,863
Thanks. How about
if we just put one down?
139
00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:28,126
Show some guts.
Put 'em both down.
140
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:30,564
And if he doesn't shoot you,
I'll put mine down.
141
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,957
If he does shoot you,
I'll put yours up again.
142
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,959
Let's put 'em down
together, okay?
143
00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:37,135
-Okay.
-Okay.
144
00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:39,137
On the count of three.
145
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:43,272
One, two, three.
146
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,802
[nervous laughter]
147
00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:54,631
Great moment in
military history, Hawk.
We've all captured each other.
148
00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:56,633
The question is,
what do we do with him?
149
00:06:56,677 --> 00:06:59,027
I'm sorry. We're not
in the capturing department.
150
00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:00,463
That's on the third floor
next to linens.
151
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,465
-[speaking Korean]
-Let's get out of here.
152
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,467
You just wait right here,
153
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,817
and I'm sure there's gonna
be a commando come along
154
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:09,472
any minute now who'd love
to take you home with him.
155
00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:11,561
-Okay. Bye now.
-Bye. See ya.
156
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,824
-[screams]
-No! Don't! Don't do that!
157
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:17,785
[pleading in Korean]
158
00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:19,743
-Very nice. Okay.
-Well, we'll see you later.
159
00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:21,353
We've gotta just
move down the road.
160
00:07:21,397 --> 00:07:23,660
-[shouts]
-Watch it! Watch it!
161
00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,662
-Ah, okay.
-Well, we'll see you
around, okay?
162
00:07:25,706 --> 00:07:26,968
We're just gonna--
163
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:29,971
Hello, Colonel.
[groaning]
164
00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:32,016
Majors,
thank goodness
you're back.
165
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,062
Pleasure to see someone
who isn't squatting,
166
00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,759
doubled up or
lying down.
167
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,544
Colonel, what's wrong?
You look awful.
168
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,850
I'm glad you noticed.
I'd hate to feel this rotten
169
00:07:39,894 --> 00:07:42,331
and have it be
my little secret.
170
00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:45,203
-What's wrong, sir?
-Salmonella!
171
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:46,944
The whole camp's
down with it.
172
00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:48,206
Klinger got
a Thanksgiving deal
173
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:52,123
on some low-mileage...
turkeys.
174
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,212
Colonel,
with all due respect,
175
00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:55,736
any fool would know better
176
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:57,781
than to actually eat
gypsy poultry.
177
00:07:57,825 --> 00:08:01,089
If there's one thing we don't
need around here, Winchester,
178
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:03,483
it's hindsight.
Now let's get to post-op.
179
00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:05,136
Pierce and Hunnicutt
aren't back yet,
180
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:07,008
so Mulcahy's
been doing a solo.
181
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:09,271
He'll be glad
to hand over the reins.
182
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,360
You look like you can use
some rest, sir.
183
00:08:11,403 --> 00:08:12,361
I'll be all right, Margaret.
184
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:13,928
Colonel, I insist.
185
00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:15,712
You won't do any good if
you make yourself weaker.
186
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:18,628
Major Houlihan, don't get
your Irish up with me.
187
00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:21,326
-We can handle it.
-And we shall, Colonel,
188
00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:24,199
just as soon as we've
taken a little time to
freshen up a bit.
189
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,506
Uh, fine.
You do that, Winchester,
190
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,551
and I'll have room service
send you over a nice...
191
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,901
turkey sandwich.
192
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:34,644
So, uh,
you wanna move it now
or move it later?
193
00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:37,517
Oh, moving now, sir. Yeah.
194
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:43,435
I'd love to give you
a hand, Father.
195
00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:46,308
Is it safe for me
to come in there yet?
196
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:51,356
I'd say that's
one vote no, Klinger.
197
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,098
If you need me, Father,
198
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:55,970
I'll be under my bed.
199
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,363
Ah, the Marines
have landed!
200
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,365
Father, you look like
you're pretty busy.
201
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:02,193
Oh, indeed.
202
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:03,630
But, Majors,
I don't mind saying
203
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:05,849
this is an exhilarating
experience.
204
00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:08,504
I've never felt
more useful or needed.
205
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,899
Excuse me.
206
00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:14,162
Apparently the good father's
been most effective, Margaret.
207
00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:17,731
What these, uh, people
appear to need now is
rest and attention.
208
00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:20,821
In other words, nursing.
209
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:24,041
I'll just pop out
for a quick shower
and a short nap.
210
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:25,521
Let me know
if a doctor's needed.
211
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,567
Step one foot outside
that door, buster,
212
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,351
and you'll need a doctor!
213
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,613
There are bedpans
to be cleaned,
214
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,006
linen to be washed.
215
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:33,485
Someone'll have to
turn to in the kitchen.
216
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:34,704
You can start with the linen.
217
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:36,358
Start what with
the linen, Major?
218
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:37,707
Washing it!
219
00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:41,189
Margaret, surely you...jest.
220
00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:43,060
Okay, you can
start with the bedpans
221
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:44,322
and work your way up.
222
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:45,759
Absolutely not!
223
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:48,413
Absolutely and
unequivocally not!
224
00:09:48,457 --> 00:09:52,417
Me wash and clean?
I'm a doctor, not a woman!
225
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:54,550
Hey, Ralph,
you still there?
226
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,987
-[speaking Korean]
-Ralph?
227
00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:59,599
Kathy Harrison's
kid brother.
228
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:02,166
Whenever we wanted to go
for a walk or the movies,
whatever,
229
00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:04,386
there was little Ralphie
tagging along.
230
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:06,867
Maybe if we give him
a quarter, he'll go home.
231
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:10,305
That reminds me, I still owe
that little bandit $300.25.
232
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:12,437
Pull over here.
I think I see
a parking place.
233
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:18,661
All right, now, Beej,
we're gonna sit now.
234
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:21,838
Try not to get lost
on the way down.
235
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:23,927
Hey,
don't worry about it.
236
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:26,016
I got us into this,
I'll get us out.
237
00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,845
[groans]
238
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,369
I got a better idea.
239
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,676
I'm gonna
try my road map.
240
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:39,290
This is this road
right here.
241
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:42,554
You know? These are us.
242
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:43,773
I'm the tall one.
243
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,433
-Ah!
-Hey!
244
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:52,956
I told you
he'd understand.
245
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,960
Okay, we want to go
from here...to there.
246
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:59,659
MASH 4077, see?
247
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:02,357
Ah. [speaking Korean]
248
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:09,407
I told you he'd know
just exactly where to go.
249
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:11,279
It's hopeless.
Let's just go.
250
00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:14,412
Forget the map.
You know how tough
those things are to fold.
251
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:16,763
-[shouts in Korean]
-Wha--?
-Huh?
252
00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:19,156
Uh, Beej, quick.
Give him a quarter.
253
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,682
[shouting in Korean]
254
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,727
Ralph, was it
something we wrote?
255
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:27,687
-[speaking Korean]
-All right. Okay.
256
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:30,733
B.J.: Oh, boy.
257
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:32,692
I think we just got
bigger problems
258
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:33,780
than being lost.
259
00:11:39,002 --> 00:11:40,525
-[shouting in Korean]
-Funny. All of a sudden,
260
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:42,179
I understand him perfectly.
261
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:44,268
Remember, only your name,
rank and serial number.
262
00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:45,922
And if they ask nicely,
MacArthur's home address.
263
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,402
[shouts]
264
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:48,708
-Shh!
-Shh.
265
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:55,758
[speaking Korean]
266
00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:57,194
Hi, guys. Nice day.
267
00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:58,892
How about those Dodgers,
huh?
268
00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:02,722
-[shouts]
-[speaking Korean]
269
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:13,384
[speaking Korean]
270
00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:14,777
Beej, the way I see it,
271
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:16,692
they're talking
about shooting us.
272
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,347
Ah, then that explains
the guns.
273
00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:21,828
[speaking Korean]
274
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,786
My entire life
just flashed before my eyes,
275
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,223
and I don't like
the ending.
276
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:28,748
That guy talkin' to Ralph
looks mean.
277
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,662
You don't get that job
because of a winning smile.
278
00:12:30,706 --> 00:12:35,493
-[speaking Korean]
-[laughing]
279
00:12:35,537 --> 00:12:39,149
[continues in Korean]
280
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:51,466
[shouts in Korean]
281
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:03,086
Did what I think
just happened happen?
282
00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:06,133
I think Ralph
just saved our necks.
283
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:09,832
[chuckling]
Oh, Ralphie,
you sneaky devil.
284
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:11,138
When these arms
come down,
285
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:12,704
you're gonna get
a great big hug.
286
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:16,883
The Bowery Boys
are out of sight.
287
00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:21,061
[speaking Korean]
288
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:24,804
This is fantastic!
289
00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:26,370
This is dangerous.
Let's get outta here.
290
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,851
♪ This is the way
we wash our sheets ♪
291
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:31,332
♪ Wash our sheets,
wash our sheets ♪
292
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:33,725
-[whistling]
-[snickers]
293
00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:36,554
♪ So early
in the morning ♪
294
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:37,947
Must you?
295
00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:40,123
Oh, I'm only
too happy to, Major.
296
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:43,823
There just nothing quite
like the feeling of being
needed, is there?
297
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,650
No.
298
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:52,092
This close to China,
and I am doing laundry.
299
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:55,269
Major, when I say
I want clean sheets,
300
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:58,272
I want them clean,
not battleship gray.
301
00:13:58,315 --> 00:14:02,102
Major, I have slaved
over this cesspool
302
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:05,279
until my back aches
and my hands--
303
00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:07,281
my hands are prunes!
304
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:08,760
Please, Major,
at a time like this,
305
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:10,501
the less said about prunes--
306
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,199
Obviously, Major,
307
00:14:12,242 --> 00:14:14,941
I was not put upon this earth
to scrub bed linens.
308
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:17,595
I hereby abdicate
my tub and washboard.
309
00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:20,772
That suits me fine,
Mr. I'm-a-doctor,
not-a-woman,
310
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,339
because there's
a stack of bedpans
311
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,515
outside of post-op
with your name on 'em!
312
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:27,388
Hah!
I'd sooner do the Lindy
with Eleanor Roosevelt.
313
00:14:27,431 --> 00:14:30,608
-Well, a-one and a-two--
-Majors, please!
314
00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:32,262
I'm up to my epaulets
in sick people,
315
00:14:32,306 --> 00:14:34,874
and he whines about
doing a little laundry.
316
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,876
Just a moment.
317
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:40,140
I am trying to remember
that you are a woman,
318
00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:42,142
and a fellow officer.
319
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:44,231
Don't patronize me,
skinhead!
320
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,711
You're not in charge here,
bimbo!
321
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:48,757
-Bimbo?
-[whistles]
322
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,238
Hold it.
No offense, Majors,
323
00:14:51,281 --> 00:14:53,762
but we just can't afford
to act like nincompoops.
324
00:14:53,805 --> 00:14:55,068
There are sick people here,
325
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:57,853
and the three of us
are all we have.
326
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,637
You're absolutely right,
Father.
327
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,248
I'm sorry, Major.
328
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:02,989
-My apologies as well, Major.
-Thank you, Major.
329
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,251
You're welcome, Major.
330
00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:06,122
What'll it be,
sheets or bedpans?
331
00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:11,954
[snorts]
332
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:15,566
♪ Here's the way
we scrub our sheets ♪
333
00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:17,612
♪ Scrub our sheets,
Scrub our sheets ♪
334
00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:22,051
[man yelling in Korean]
335
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:27,143
-Let's get this off quick.
-Ralph, give him a hand here.
336
00:15:27,187 --> 00:15:30,364
-[speaking Korean]
-All right, he's clear.
Put it down.
337
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:36,805
Just our luck--
another foreigner.
338
00:15:36,848 --> 00:15:38,807
-This place is loaded with 'em.
-New rule.
339
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:40,113
From now on,
no invading the country
340
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,462
if you don't speak
the language.
341
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:42,767
Nothing seems to be broken.
342
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:44,247
[speaking Korean]
343
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:45,683
Just relax, farmer.
344
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:46,902
We'll have you back
in the dell in no time.
345
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,425
Allow me to
introduce ourselves.
346
00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:50,079
That's Ralph. I'm Pierce.
347
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,689
This is Hunnicutt.
348
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:53,430
You probably know each other
from driving school.
349
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:54,431
I didn't get your name.
350
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:57,826
[speaking Korean]
351
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,480
Yeah, well, that's a little
tough to remember.
352
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,003
How about if we just
call you Fred for short?
353
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:02,744
Let's see if we can
get him up and try it out.
354
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:04,050
All right, sir?
355
00:16:04,093 --> 00:16:05,965
Put your weight
on this one, all right?
356
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:07,009
Okay, here we go.
357
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:09,011
-Up you go.
-[screaming]
358
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,752
Okay, first thing is, Fred,
you're out of today's game.
359
00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,493
Yeah, and the second thing
is we gotta get him home.
360
00:16:12,536 --> 00:16:14,016
That can't be too far, can it?
361
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,539
How do we do that?
362
00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:17,541
Simple. I figure,
uh, he'll be carried
363
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:20,153
by all those who got us
lost and walking.
364
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:21,850
Ah-ha.
My mother always told me
365
00:16:21,893 --> 00:16:23,025
never to pick up strangers.
366
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:27,464
Ohh! Now I know why.
367
00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,172
Winchester, you creep!
368
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:41,130
[screams]
369
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:42,479
Do you see what
I just did to that tent?
370
00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:44,264
Well, next it's gonna
happen to you!
371
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:46,222
You seem vexed.
372
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:47,702
Three seconds, Mister.
373
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:49,530
If you're not hard at it
in three seconds,
374
00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:51,532
you're gonna drown
in rice gruel!
375
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:54,709
Uh, mistake, Margaret.
A mistake. I swear it.
376
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:57,059
I was making the bed with
those nice, clean sheets--
377
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,843
-One.
-I slipped.
378
00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,367
I know from out there it must
have looked as though--
379
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:02,064
-Two!
-And I'm working.
380
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:04,066
I'm working.
Looking for sick people.
381
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:06,025
Anyone under there
need a doctor?
382
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,070
How dare you!
383
00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:10,986
How dare you sleep while
this whole camp is in bed!
384
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,553
[stammering]
385
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:14,555
You sure he's not
wearing spurs?
386
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:16,644
-[chickens clucking]
-B.J.: Hi.
387
00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:18,994
[shouts in Korean]
388
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,475
Must be Mrs. Fred.
Hi, honey. We're home.
389
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:24,347
His wagon broke
and he took the
4:15 Hunnicutt.
390
00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:27,089
[shouting in Korean]
391
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:30,614
Easy. Easy. Here you go.
Here you go, Fred.
392
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:34,096
-[B.J. groaning ]
-[speaking Korean]
393
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,320
What is this?
394
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:44,672
-[laughing]
-[speaking Korean]
395
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:46,543
I told you I'd
get us outta here.
396
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:48,415
Lost in the wilds of Korea,
397
00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:50,721
I lead you straight to Honest
Fred's used motorcycle lot.
398
00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:53,246
Vroom, vroom.
399
00:17:53,289 --> 00:17:54,986
Now who are we gonna get
to drive this thing?
400
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:57,119
Pierce,
this is your lucky day.
401
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,121
You're looking at
"Spokes" Hunnicutt,
402
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:01,515
Mill Valley's finest
surviving motorcycle rider.
403
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:05,345
-Oh, yeah?
-We got no problem.
We got one problem.
404
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:08,391
[speaking Korean]
405
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:12,700
Whoo! Whoo!
406
00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:14,049
You wanna take
a slug of this
407
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,572
before you waste it
all in there?
408
00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:17,705
Uh-huh.
409
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:22,405
Ah, Fred, you're
a very generous fellow.
410
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:25,278
-Here you go.
-Okay, thank you, Ralph.
411
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:28,107
-Thank you, Fred.
-[speaking Korean]
412
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:33,503
-[shouts]
-What? What?
413
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:37,986
[speaking Korean]
414
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:40,119
Of course
you can come along.
415
00:18:40,162 --> 00:18:42,947
Would Bob Hope and Bing Crosby
leave without Dorothy Lamour?
416
00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:45,776
We can't break up a set.
Climb aboard.
417
00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:48,301
-Yahoo!
-Thank you.
418
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,303
Climb aboard, Ralph.
Plenty of room.
419
00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:53,044
Just you, me,
and El Destructo.
420
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:56,135
You can teach me
the Korean word for-- Yaah!
421
00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:59,790
-[all screaming]
-Slower!
422
00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:04,969
Ah, Colonel.
Should you be up?
423
00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:06,406
How's it going, Padre?
424
00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:08,538
Oh, couldn't be better,
Colonel.
425
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:09,887
Couldn't be better.
426
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:11,846
Indomitable.
The man is indomitable.
427
00:19:11,889 --> 00:19:13,891
Colonel, am I gonna have
to have a fight with you?
428
00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:15,458
Oh, I hope not, Major.
429
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:17,678
Sir, you really
ought to be in bed.
430
00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:19,723
Major, believe me,
I wouldn't be here
431
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:20,942
if I couldn't handle it.
432
00:19:20,985 --> 00:19:23,031
Things have... stabilized.
433
00:19:23,074 --> 00:19:24,293
Are you sure, sir?
434
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:25,599
-I wouldn't--
-I'm fine.
435
00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:27,644
Now, uh,
any signs of septicemea
436
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:29,603
or any other
complications here?
437
00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:32,083
No. Things seem to be
in hand at the moment.
438
00:19:32,127 --> 00:19:33,911
Well, then maybe
you can take a break
439
00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:36,610
while I watch over
the place for a bit.
440
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:38,960
If you insist, sir.
You can check Igor for me.
441
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:42,093
By the way, uh,
where's Winchester?
442
00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:44,574
Well, he finished
his rounds,
443
00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:47,621
and now he's supposed
to be putting clean sheets
on all the bunks.
444
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:50,885
[laughs]
I'd like to see that myself.
445
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:59,850
Now then, son, feeling
a little more fit, are ya?
446
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:02,810
-I've been better, sir.
-The best way to beat
this thing
447
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:06,117
is just...
put it out of your mind.
448
00:20:06,161 --> 00:20:08,511
Get up on your feet
as soon as you can.
449
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:10,644
You must be feeling
a little better.
450
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:13,429
Except for my stomach, sir.
451
00:20:13,473 --> 00:20:16,780
It's kind of like
being on the ocean.
452
00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:20,219
Up... and down...
453
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:23,787
and up... and down.
454
00:20:23,831 --> 00:20:25,136
Uh-huh.
455
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:28,139
And then it gets up
into my head,
456
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:32,013
and starts spinning
457
00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:35,538
around and around,
you know?
458
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:37,410
Son, you don't have to--
459
00:20:37,453 --> 00:20:39,020
About the only thing
I can do--
460
00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:40,717
-Private.
-Sir?
461
00:20:42,937 --> 00:20:44,199
Move over.
462
00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:51,467
-[yelling]
-Go away! The other way!
463
00:20:51,511 --> 00:20:52,599
Look out!
464
00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:59,258
You brainless twits!
Look what you've done
to my laundry!
465
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,913
-Your laundry?
-Get this filthy motorcycle
off my sheets!
466
00:21:02,957 --> 00:21:06,134
-[speaking Korean]
-Who is that man?
What's he doing?
467
00:21:06,177 --> 00:21:08,528
Shame on you, Charles.
You don't recognize
468
00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:10,878
the international
signal for touchdown?
469
00:21:10,921 --> 00:21:14,185
That man is a
North Korean soldier.
470
00:21:14,229 --> 00:21:16,144
Right, Charles.
He came to pick up
his laundry.
471
00:21:16,187 --> 00:21:17,972
Good thing it was ready,
or he'd have shot you.
472
00:21:18,015 --> 00:21:20,148
-You're back!
-Did you bring
the antibiotics?
473
00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:22,890
-Margaret, did you miss me?
-It's about time you two
showed up.
474
00:21:22,933 --> 00:21:24,631
What'd you do,
stop off at the beach?
475
00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:27,242
-[speaking Korean]
-Who's this?
476
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,853
-Ralph.
-We've been going crazy here!
477
00:21:29,897 --> 00:21:31,159
I don't know what
all the fuss is about.
478
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:33,204
I thought it was
a piece of cake.
479
00:21:33,248 --> 00:21:35,555
Don't say cake.
480
00:21:35,598 --> 00:21:37,121
Well, you know us.
Neither rain nor sleet
481
00:21:37,165 --> 00:21:38,514
nor snow nor broken jeep.
482
00:21:38,558 --> 00:21:41,343
Nor kidnap nor surrender
nor dark of lost--
483
00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:42,736
The jabbering lamp
is out, boys.
484
00:21:42,779 --> 00:21:44,651
Get over to post-op
post haste.
485
00:21:44,694 --> 00:21:47,218
You better come too, Charles.
We'll need your expertise.
486
00:21:47,262 --> 00:21:48,829
Some of the patients
might need fluffing
and folding.
487
00:21:48,872 --> 00:21:49,830
[snickers]
488
00:21:49,873 --> 00:21:50,961
[shouts]
489
00:21:51,005 --> 00:21:53,050
Well, come on, Ralph.
490
00:21:53,094 --> 00:21:55,705
We've come this far together.
Don't be a stranger.
491
00:21:55,749 --> 00:21:57,098
Besides, there's a whole
ward full of people
492
00:21:57,141 --> 00:21:58,708
you haven't
surrendered to yet.
493
00:22:12,679 --> 00:22:16,117
[panting]
Sparky? Klinger.
494
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,553
Klinger!
495
00:22:17,597 --> 00:22:20,556
Listen. I know.
496
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,254
Hook me through
to H.Q. Supply, will you?
497
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:25,648
And hurry!
498
00:22:28,216 --> 00:22:30,131
Sparky, come on, pal!
499
00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:36,093
Attaboy. H.Q. Supply?
500
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,269
Sergeant Thomopoulous,
please.
501
00:22:41,534 --> 00:22:45,189
Thomopoulous? Klinger.
502
00:22:45,233 --> 00:22:47,931
You know that turkey
you sold me?
503
00:22:47,975 --> 00:22:49,368
Stuff it!
504
00:22:50,238 --> 00:22:53,328
♪♪ [theme]
505
00:23:03,425 --> 00:23:05,775
♪♪ [theme]
37106
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