All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S08E07 - Nurse Doctor (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Okay, Pierce, you've got
15 seconds of water left.

You're kidding. I haven't
washed behind my ears yet.

You can do one today
and one tomorrow.

You'd have tomorrow off
if you were Vincent van Gogh.

-Huh?
-Ten seconds.

Give me a break. Even the water
hasn't had time to get wet.

-Eight.
-This is ridiculous.

Don't get yourself in a lather,
Hawk. You'll never get out.

Five, four,
three, two, one.

-Finito.
-My turn.

Look, I can't walk around
all day foaming at the elbows.

Oh, stop whining, Pierce.

Nobody likes being
short of water.

We've all just gotta
bite the bullet.

I don't mind
biting the bullet.

I just need something
to wash it down with.

-Colonel!
-[screams]

News from I-Corps about the
water trucks we're expecting.

Terrific.
What's the news?

-They're not coming.
-They're not coming?

Don't blame me.
Blame North Korea.

Enemy fire's got the road
closed for at least a week.

-Oh, for cryin' out loud.
-Terrific. That's all we need.

If you gentlemen
will excuse me,

I have one minute
to remove the topsoil.

As you were, Hunnicutt.
Without those trucks
rolling in,

we're gonna have to save
every last drop of water
for the patients.

-Colonel, don't say it.
-Until further notice,

post this watering hole
off limits.

-Aw, Colonel!
-Aw, dry up.

Come on, out, out.

Colonel, what am I
supposed to do?

More importantly,
as the man who sleeps
next to him,

what am I
supposed to do?

Put him in the bunk
that's down wind.

-WOMAN: Lateral--
-Father Mulcahy,
Lieutenant Harris.

Who is obviously
looking for a father figure.

Why? There's nothing wrong
with the figure she has now.

-MULCAHY: Uh-huh.
-That's the lateral
corticospinal tract.

Very good,
very good.

-Rubrospinal tract.
-Mm-hmm.

I hope you know how grateful
I am that you're helping me.

You're the first
person in the army
that's been on my side.

Oh, I love it!

I'm learning so much,

I'm tempted to take
that aptitude test myself.

Good idea. You go
to medical school,

and I'll apply
for the priesthood.

Considering
your determination,

you'd probably
just make that.

You won't let me give up
on myself, will you?

Why, you bet I won't.

With your talent
and my connections
in high places,

we're an unbeatable team.

I'm glad one of us
is so confident.

Are you kidding?

I'm already saving up
old magazines

for your waiting room.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention!
Incoming wounded!

And it's S.R.O.-- stitching
room only.

-Oh, dear. Time for
on-the-job training.
-Yes.

-[indistinct chatter]
-As soon as I'm finished here,

I'm sending myself out with
the laundry.

I don't think you'll
like it, Beej.

They drag you down to the stream
and beat you on a rock.

POTTER: Would work anyhow.

That stream is drier than
a Baptist picnic.

B.J.: Taking an awful chance
scrubbing with alcohol.

I don't want my fingers
to wind up drunk
sleeping in some doorway.

MARGARET: No shortage of
bad jokes here.

CHARLES: Penrose.

Excuse me, Doctor.

What is it now, Harris?

Well, I was wondering

why you're using
the half-inch Penrose drain.

Obviously to provide
the necessary wound drainage.

But in that case,
wouldn't it be better

if we used
the one-inch Penrose?

Lieutenant Harris,
may I have the suture, please?

There is an ancient and
inviolable medical maxim--

too many cooks
spoil the vichyssoise.

But wouldn't the patient
be more comfortable--

Lieutenant, let me say
how fortunate I am

that you are here
to guide me.

My background is limited

to four years
Harvard Medical School,

five years'
surgical residency,

and the attending staff
at Boston General.

-Doctor, I only thought--
-While you,
on the other hand,

are the obvious product
of innumerable hours

of extensive training
as a pom-pom girl!

Sounds like Nurse Doctor's
at it again.

MULCAHY: Doctor,
I'm sure the lieutenant
was just trying to help.

Fine. But from now on,

let her wear her surgical mask
inside her mouth.

Major, there's no need
to get your dander up.

Harris, keep your comments
to yourself.

-Yes, Major.
-And see me right
after surgery.

Don't worry. It's just that
this water shortage

has everyone
a little on edge.

Thank you, Father.

You'll have to excuse
Charles, Lieutenant,

he was born with
a silver foot in his mouth.

[sarcastic chuckle]
Cut, please, Nurse Harris.

But Major,
all I did was ask him
a few medical questions.

Dr. Winchester happens to be
a first rate surgeon

who knows the proper usage
of a Penrose drain.

I was only
trying to help.

Oh, it's more than just
this one incident, Harris.

Since you
transferred here,

you seem determined
to alienate people.

-Who have I alienated?
-Practically everybody.

When I draw up
the duty roster,

some of the nurses
specifically request

not to be
assigned with you.

But why? I do my job,
I work hard.

I know that.

From what I can see,
you're-- you're too eager,

you're always interfering,
you're always correcting.

[sighs] Look.

You've only got
another six weeks here.

Seven.

Sorry. I--

Harris, your skills as a nurse
are as good as I've ever seen,

but you've got a lot
to learn about

getting along with your
colleagues.

Oh, I've tried
"getting along," Major.

But ever since I decided

to resign my commission
and become a doctor,

other nurses treat me

like I was some kind
of traitor or something.

Don't talk to me, Major.
Talk to them.

Just a moment, Lieutenant.

I am running
a nursing staff here,

and until you came along,
I had it running
at peak efficiency.

-Well, if it's not--
-What it comes down to
is this--

You want to be a doctor,
be a doctor.

Be a tightrope walker
if you want to.

Just don't upset
the routine of this camp.

I won't stand for it.

This is no Brownie troop,
and I'm no den mother.

-But, Major, I--
-Dismissed, Lieutenant.

-I can't look, B.J.
What is it?
-Creamed peas--

-[groans]
-...creamed turnips--

-[groans louder]
-...and creamed beets.

I am so glad
I'm not looking.

Simmer down, boys. Canned milk
is all they have to cook with.

What's that?

Soup. Cream of wienie.

You creamed wienies?

Isn't there a shred of human
decency left in the world?

If I see one more drop
of canned milk,

I'm gonna go find a cow
and make her discontented.

I was in the same ball of wax
one time in World War II.

We were trapped in
a small village in France.

No water in sight.
Only thing we had
to cook with was wine.

Men were running up for
an extra plate of gravy.

Gee, that was a war.

Right now some lucky patient

is washing down his medicine
with genuine water.

Why don't we
go check into post-op
under an assumed wound?

Charles, I don't mean
to offend you,

but you smell wonderful.

-And you look
suspiciously clean.
-[chuckles]

You're holding out on us.
You've got water, you sneak.

Have you been washing your
back behind our backs?

Gentlemen,
what are you suggesting?

There's no water for miles.

Of course. He's having
himself dry-cleaned.

Why, I'm suffering
from this drought

as much as the next fellow.

Oh, by the way,
anyone like my, uh, milk?

I'm not thirsty.

[whistling]

The lesser occipital.

Partially correct.
It's the greater
occipital.

Oh, forget it.
Let's quit.

I can't concentrate.

I'm tired of studying.
I'm tired of fighting.

I'm probably just
wasting my time anyway.

Wasting your time?

If Madame Curie had been
in this man's army,

she'd have never
made it past Nurse Curie.

Now knock that off,
Lieutenant.

You have a genuine talent
for medicine.

A real gift.

And you'd be surprised
at how many people don't.

My cousin Kevin,
for example.

He withdrew from medical
school after one month.

Just didn't have the stomach

for what can be
rather gruesome work.

What did he do?

He became a mortician.

[laughs]
Father, is that true?

Of course not. He's
in roofing and siding.

-I just wanted
to see you smile.
-Thanks.

You know, people react
to you the way they do
because you're different.

They aren't quite sure
how to treat you.

You think that's it?

Absolutely. I have
the same problem myself.

It's always "Hello, Father,"
never just plain "Hi."

Or "Excuse the language,
Father",

or "Present company
excepted, Father."

Nobody ever calls me
by my given name.

What is your name?

Let me see.
Oh, yes, of course.

Well, the whole thing is
Francis John Patrick Mulcahy.

That's much too stuffy.
I like Johnny.

That's funny.

My mother always
called me Johnny.
She was a woman, too.

[sighs]

Well, I'll tell you this.

If I ever do make it
to med school,

I'll have Mrs. Mulcahy's son
Johnny to thank for it.

Well, I'm just glad
I was here to help.

Gail.

Well, let's see.
Where were we?

Something about occipitals,
I believe, huh?

Well, I guess I care more
than I thought.

Perhaps it would be best

if you studied
with one of the doctors.

-But we--
-Gail,

I think you may be
expecting more from me

than I'm able to give.

I see.

I'm sorry...Father.

[sighs]

Hawkeye, have you
got a minute?

Sure. I can give you the one
I was saving for my shower.

I'd like some advice
on a personal matter.

Advice from me?

Aren't we, uh-- Aren't we
doing this backwards?

No, no, we're not.
It involves an area

where you're much better
qualified than I.

-Oh, something medical.
-No.

No?

Well, what else
am I good at?

Being a malcontent?
Silliness? Booze?

Father, have you been nipping
at the sacramental wine again?

No, no, it's-- it's
much bigger than that.

How much bigger?

Well, last night I, uh--

I had to give a girl
the brush-off.

Would you mind
repeating that again?

I think the sun
was in my ears.

It seems strange to me too.

Strange? I thought girls

were on your permanently
given-up-for-Lent list.

Of course they are!

But there wasn't
anything.

-I mean, Gail and I--
-Gail?

You-- As in Gail Harris?
As in nurse of my dreams?

It all happened
quite innocently.

I was helping her study.

We became rather friendly.

However,
last night I realized

that she seems to look
upon our relationship

as much more than academic.

Well, I'm not surprised.

I mean, all any of us can
offer her is a good time.

You can give her eternal life.

As soon as I realized
what was going on,

I put an end
to our sessions.

But I'm afraid
I hurt her quite badly.

She left in tears.

Now she's avoiding me.

Oh, I suspect I've handled
this whole affair quite badly.

Affair?

-Let me put that another way.
-I wish you would, Father.

You've already
got two Commandments
on the critical list.

You're not making this
any easier, Hawkeye.

Well, Father, it's no cinch
for me either, you know.

You see, Gail is planning
to go to medical school.

I've been helping her
study.

It's as simple as that.

At least I-- I
thought it was

until I suddenly found myself
on the receiving end

-of a rather ardent embrace.
-What?

She hugged the stuffing
out of me!

Hawkeye, this is
no laughing matter!

I'm sorry, Father.

I never thought of you

as a love 'em and leave 'em
kind of guy.

Hawkeye, please!

I find this most disquieting.

Ordinarily I provide the comfort
rather than cause the pain.

All right, now look.
Now, Father,

in the first place,
don't be guilty.

I mean, I'm sure
Gail must realize

that she was
making a play for a man
who's already spoken for.

Perhaps. But, well, we
mustn't blame her, either.

She turned to me for help
and understanding.

And now she feels
I've rejected her.

I'm worried that her medical
studies will suffer.

Oh, I see. You want me
to talk to her?

Hawkeye,
I'd be most grateful.

Yeah, well, it's gonna be
kind of tough, Father.

I mean, the poor kid,
on the rebound like that.

Still carrying a torch--
or in this case, a candle.

Hawkeye!

Well, I don't blame her,
Father.

I think you're
as cute as the dickens.

[indistinct chatter]

HAWKEYE:
That's it. That's it. Good.

Fine. I hear
you're leaving the army
to apply to med school.

HARRIS:
Huh? Oh, yes, sir.

Great place,
medical school.

I've always wanted to go
there myself someday.

-Catgut.
-Catgut, Doctor.

Cat got your tongue?
[chuckling]

That joke always went over
great back home

at St. Shapiro's
Presbyterian Hospital

and Christian Science
Reading Room.

Well, Crabapple Cove's
not a very big town.

Perfect for you,
Pierce.

A little fish
in a small pond.

Words to live by from
the biggest fish of all,
Moby Dud.

This boy didn't just take
a few shell fragments.

I think they threw
a whole cannon at him.

Anybody got a free hand?

CHARLES: Sorry, Colonel.
Ruptured spleen here.

Not me. There's this grand
opening I've got to attend.

-Pierce?
-I'm always
the last one picked.

-Can you close
the peritoneum, Lieutenant?
-Sure. Glad to, Doctor.

-POTTER: Pierce, tempus fugit.
-HAWKEYE: I'm coming, Colonel.

There's a fragment here.
I need help getting it.

You take the high road,
and I'll take the low road.

And I'll get the shrapnel
before ya.

POTTER: You see anything?

HAWKEYE: Nothing but blood.
More suction.

Good work, Lieutenant.

Carry on.

Hi, there. Remember me
from the party?

I was the one
dressed as a doctor.

Hello,
Dr. Pierce.

Listen, you did
a nice job in there.

Thanks.

By the way, if you need
any help studying medicine,

I happen to be
a very good teacher.

I don't take attendance,
I encourage cheating,

and I tolerate no discipline
in my classroom.

Not right now, thanks.

Come on.
I went to doctor school.

I've got an appendix
hanging on my wall.

I know all about those
icky things in people,

like the air things, the--
what do you call 'em-- lungs.

Doctor, why the sudden
interest in helping me study?

Well, you know,
surgery loves company.

You never asked me before.

You've been talking to
Father Mulcahy, haven't you?

Well, uh--

He told you, didn't he?

Isn't it enough I made
a complete fool of myself?

Does he have to tell
the whole camp?

He didn't tell the whole
camp. He told me.

And he was just
trying to help you.

How, by making me
a laughingstock?

I thought priests
took vows of silence.

He told me
because he was upset.

He's afraid
that what happened

is gonna slow down
your studying for
medical school.

Look, you're a surgeon,
not a psychiatrist.

Now why don't you just
leave me alone?

Why doesn't everybody
leave me alone?

Klinger!

Sir?

Keep on the horn with
the other units in the area.

There's gotta be some water
in them there hills.

Yes, sir.
If I stay on that
phone any longer,

I'm gonna get
a cauliflower ear.

-Hello, Colonel.
-You wanted to see us, sir?

Not really, but it's the only
way I can talk to you.

What's this about, Colonel?

Glad you asked.
I'm a very busy man,

so I'll make this
short and sweet.

Lieutenant Harris
dropped by earlier.

Had a little surprise for me.

-A request for
an immediate transfer.
-Oh, dear.

Naturally I assumed
she wanted out

because she couldn't
take a bath.

But that wasn't the reason.

So I said,
"What is the reason?"

And she said, "I made
a damn fool of myself,

and the whole camp knows it."

So I said,
"Well, I don't know it."

And she said, "I'm surprised
Pierce didn't tell you."

What?

So I said, "Why are you
dropping this in my lap?

You should be talking
to your head nurse."

And she said,
"The head nurse hates me."

I do not hate her!

So I said, "Back up a bit.
What is it you did

that's got everybody's
tongue wagging except mine?"

She said, "I had
an unhappy love affair."

So I said,
"Was it one of my doctors?"

And she said,
"No, it was your priest."

Colonel,
you must understand.

She's very upset.

That's what she said.

She was so upset,
she's giving up on med school.

I didn't even know
she was going to med school.

She mustn't give up.

Now, look, folks,
this is none of my affair,

so why don't we
keep it that way?

The woman's only got a few
weeks left in this man's army.

A transfer would be
a waste of good red tape.

So here's what you're gonna do.
You stop talking about her.

You stop hating her.
And you stop dating her.

-[overlapping dialog]
-Love to stay and chat,

but I've got
a water crisis waiting.

Dismissed.

-This is ridiculous.
-Mm-hm.

I'm taking my whiskers off
and putting yours on.

Well, this way you can shave
and get five o'clock shadow
at the same time.

I'm sick and tired
of saving water.

Beej, you gotta put
something aside
for a rainy day.

-Hello.
-Charles, pull up
a razor and sit down.

Oh, thank you.
No, I'm sufficiently shaved.

Wait a second.
Wait a minute.

You are sufficiently shaved.

Is your head going bald
at both ends?

Your hairs are washed too.

Even the dandruff
is cleaned and pressed.

All right, okay,
how did you do it?

Where there's a Winchester,
there is a way.

Oh, excuse me. It's time for
my afternoon constitutional.

Gentlemen.

Methinks
I smell a wet rat.

You're right.
This towel is damp.

And it is not cream
of terry cloth.

Request for transfer denied.

You're being very unfair,
Major.

I'm being unfair?

Why didn't you come
to me with this?

Imagine my surprise
when Colonel Potter
informed me that I hate you.

Well, don't you?
Doesn't everybody here?

Oh, yes. "Everybody hates me."
How convenient that is.

You've got an excuse
not to have any friends,

not to carry on
with your studies.

-You're covered.
-I don't need
to listen to this.

Then listen to this.

The duration of your
military service

will be spent
right here in this unit.

And if you think I was
tough on you before,

you're in for seven weeks
of you ain't seen nothin' yet.

You so much as think
of stepping out of line,

your butt is gonna be
tattooed with my boots!

I'm sure you'll be satisfied
with my nursing.

Your nursing duties
will only be a part of it.

The rest of your time
will be spent under
the supervision

of Captain Pierce and
myself in intensive study

-for your medical
aptitude test.
-What?

I know how tough it is for
a woman to become a doctor.

And the army is no help.

But with your background
and talent,

you've got a real chance.

And as long as I'm
your superior officer,

I'm not gonna
let you back out.

Any questions,
Lieutenant?

[chuckles]
No questions, Major.

Dismissed.

♪♪ [Charles Humming
"Ride Of The Valkyries"]

He's in there, Beej.

I knew Charles
would lead us to water.

All we had to do
was follow the drip.

♪♪ [continues]

-All right, Charles,
drop those droplets.
-What is it? Who's there?

Water department.
We're here to read
your meter.

We're living in a dry state!
Why aren't you?

You bilious busybodies.
You followed me.

And we caught you
wet-handed.

Nothing here.
What did you do,

take lessons from
the Arthur Murray School
of Rain Dancing?

This isn't actually water.

Of course not.
You have a pet lake.

Wait a minute.
This stuff tingles.
It's soda.

It is not.

It is imported Vichy water,
sent by my mother.

-My personal stock.
-Oh, I get it.

Private club soda.
Members only.

This'll be good news
for every stinking
person in this camp.

Let's use the P.A. system.
It'll save time.

Ha ha! Bellow to your heart's
content, you grimy clods.

It's my last bottle.

[gasps]
Wait. Give me that!

-What?
-This is an outrage!

Give me--

[women whistling, cheering]

Come on out, Charles.
The water's fine.

Here's soap in your eye,
Bubbles.

Excuse me. I, uh, think
I could squeeze you in
at this table.

Oh, Gail, hello.

Thank you.

I always say grace,

even though there's
not much on this tray
to be thankful for.

Uh, could we talk
for a minute?

I promise, no hugging.

Oh, well, that's all
water under the bridge.

Or more appropriately,
canned milk.

-How are your studies going?
-Fine.

My new tutor's pretty good
with the medical stuff,

but he doesn't have
your sense of humor.

Well, you know, some of us
have it, and some don't.

-[chuckles]
-Thanks, Father.

Call me John.

Hi, there.

-Got room for me?
-Sure.

Hawkeye, please join us.

We were discussing
Gail's work.

Is she doing well?

Are you kidding? She's
in a class by herself.

Listen, why aren't you
deep in study?

I was studying.
I just thought

I'd take a few minutes off
to prevent starving to death.

I'm going right back to work.

Lieutenant,
you've worked very hard,

and done very well at Hawkeye's
College of Medical Knowledge.

-Thank you, Professor.
-You're welcome.

And as a special reward,

you're invited to the first
annual student-faculty mixer

tonight at the dean's tent.

Well, I can't.

Really, I have a lot
of studying to do.

The entire lymphatic
system by tomorrow.

-Remember?
-All right,

but I'm warning you.
I'll live to regret this.

I'll see you later.

Bye, Father.

Father, I need some advice
that only you can give.

Oh, a matter of religion?

Well, no.
As a matter of fact,

I've got stuffing that's
just aching to be hugged.

Well, some guys got it,
and some guys don't.

You.

KLINGER: Attention,
all MASH personnel.

It will please you to know

that the water trucks
have finally finished

-refilling the storage tanks.
-[cheering]

In order to avoid congestion,

as company clerk,
I have devised
the following plan.

I will read a list of all
names in alphabetical order.

You will proceed to the shower
at five-minute intervals,

in an orderly fashion.

Abrams, 17:30 hours to 17:35.

[all shouting]

Baker--

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]