Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,178
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:55,881
MARGARET: The bleeding
is arrested, Doctor.
3
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,709
HAWKEYE:
Arrested and convicted.
4
00:00:57,753 --> 00:01:00,103
Two counts of attempted
escape with intent to clot.
5
00:01:00,147 --> 00:01:01,713
MULCAHY:
Anyone need fresh gloves?
6
00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,759
B.J.: Not me. I'm waiting
for the after-Christmas sale.
7
00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:05,543
CHARLES:
I could use a pair, Father.
8
00:01:05,587 --> 00:01:07,763
What for? Pretend the germs
are poor and snub them off.
9
00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:11,462
Ha ha, Pierce. The rapier-like
thrust of an armless D'Artagnan.
10
00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:16,119
Oh, Colonel,
you have a visitor.
11
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:18,687
Tell him to come back
during visiting hours.
12
00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:21,951
He's a congressional aide, sir,
all the way from Washington.
13
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,605
He must be
on important business.
14
00:01:23,648 --> 00:01:25,737
Probably heard we were
running low on red tape.
15
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,652
Well, personally, I'm thrilled
16
00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:29,437
to have someone come
all the way from Washington.
17
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,048
I'm not.
Some flunky probably trying
18
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,702
to rustle up votes
for his boss.
19
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,573
Hope he can wait
a couple of years.
20
00:01:35,617 --> 00:01:37,227
Most of these kids
aren't old enough to vote.
21
00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:40,230
Well, he's
waiting outside, sir.
What shall I tell him?
22
00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:42,145
Would you keep him
company, padre?
23
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,799
I can't ask
this kid to wait.
24
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:45,192
Right now he can't hear me.
25
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,542
Very good, sir.
26
00:01:47,585 --> 00:01:50,022
Oh, and if anyone
needs more gloves,
27
00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:51,981
I'll be glad
to give you a hand.
28
00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:54,592
[chuckling]
29
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,420
Pierce, Hunnicutt,
30
00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:58,901
you two have been a rotten
influence on that man.
31
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,339
I'm surprised you didn't
get my letter, Colonel.
32
00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:03,558
I'm not.
33
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:06,126
My regular company clerk
is on R&R.
34
00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:08,084
The fella who's supposed
to be filling in for him
35
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,694
has his own system:
36
00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:12,175
a pile for everything
and everything in its pile.
37
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:13,959
I understand, Colonel.
Believe me,
38
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:15,831
my concerns are more
important than neatness.
39
00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:17,485
So are his.
40
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:20,096
Now I know you didn't come
to Korea for the opera season.
41
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,925
Quite true. You see,
Congressman Daniel Lurie--
42
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:24,927
Are you familiar with him?
43
00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:27,103
I can't, uh, say that I am.
44
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,018
I don't get to read
a lot of papers here.
45
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:31,499
The newsboy keeps throwing 'em
in the minefield.
46
00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:34,415
The congressman is very
interested in the war effort.
47
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,591
He's concerned that
everything goes smoothly.
48
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:39,202
He's intent on getting
our boys the proper support.
49
00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:40,769
And he's up for reelection.
50
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,640
Sir, I think you'll find
that this is more
51
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:44,338
than just political
grandstanding.
52
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:46,078
[chuckles]
53
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:47,863
That's what all you
cloakroom boys say.
54
00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:50,257
Colonel, this is important.
55
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:52,084
I want to talk to your people,
56
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:53,912
study the inner workings
of this unit.
57
00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,784
Well, do what you have to do.
58
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,177
Just don't get in our way
when we're working.
59
00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:58,961
Your people won't
even know I'm here.
60
00:02:59,004 --> 00:03:00,702
Fine. And another thing.
61
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:02,530
Don't expect this to be
a spit-and-polish outfit.
62
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:04,662
We're a little
disorderly here.
63
00:03:04,706 --> 00:03:06,273
But we get things done.
64
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:08,797
Thank you, Colonel.
65
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,799
"Colonel Says Hello
to Visiting Fellow."
66
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:13,149
Klinger, what the devil
are you doing?
67
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,064
Sir, it's for the "Stars
and Stripes" photo contest.
68
00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:18,110
First prize is $500,
two weeks in Tokyo,
69
00:03:18,154 --> 00:03:19,634
and a date with
Marilyn Maxwell.
70
00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:21,636
I got a dress that's
perfect for her.
71
00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:25,205
Williamson, meet my very
temporary company clerk.
72
00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:27,990
Klinger, did I get a letter
from Mr. Williamson?
73
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:32,124
-Oh, uh, yes, sir, Colonel.
-I don't remember seeing it.
74
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:34,170
When it came, sir,
you were out.
75
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,172
So I put it in the "Out" box.
76
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,261
-Course, now that you're in--
-Uh-huh.
77
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:41,090
Now, would you show our visitor
to the V.I.P. tent?
78
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:43,266
Immediately, sir.
I knew right away you
weren't one of us.
79
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,659
Your clothes fit.
80
00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:46,878
As a matter of fact,
I work for a congressman.
81
00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:48,663
Wait a second.
82
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:52,580
Did you say congressman,
as in Washington, D.C.,
83
00:03:52,623 --> 00:03:55,626
-go to Baltimore, take a left?
-Klinger, get moving
84
00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:57,280
or I'm gonna take
a picture called
85
00:03:57,324 --> 00:04:00,152
"Former Corporal
with Camera Up Nose."
86
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,503
I can hardly believe it.
87
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:06,811
I've never been so close
to an actual congressman,
88
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:10,075
a man with his finger
on the pulse of the nation.
89
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:11,512
Well, actually,
I'm not the congressman.
90
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:12,643
I'm just his aide.
91
00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:14,776
Of course,
I do have his ear.
92
00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:18,083
Well, I've never been
so close to a man
93
00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:19,694
who has the ear of the man
94
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,392
with his finger on
the pulse of the nation.
95
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,742
Thank you.
It is important work.
96
00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:27,745
I've always felt that I'm
married to my country first
97
00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:29,094
and my wife second.
98
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:33,490
How nice.
How can I help you?
99
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:35,623
The congressman has asked me
to talk to a few people,
100
00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:37,407
get their impressions
about the war,
101
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,843
and I thought
that you would be
102
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,192
the ideal person
to start with.
103
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:41,455
Ha!
104
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,065
I'm told that you are
105
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,588
especially knowledgeable
about this unit.
106
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:46,111
Well, I guess you might say
107
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:49,419
I have my finger
on the pulse of the MASH.
108
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:52,117
[chuckles] So, tell me
a little about yourself.
109
00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:53,597
How do you feel
about being here?
110
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:55,643
Very proud.
111
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:58,515
I mean, to be a woman
with the rank of major
112
00:04:58,559 --> 00:05:00,909
stationed so close
to the Korean front.
113
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:02,867
It could only happen
in America.
114
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:05,609
What about the staff here?
Is it adequate?
115
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:09,918
The best. You won't
find a better staff
in a stateside hospital.
116
00:05:09,961 --> 00:05:12,094
Oh, I know Pierce
and Hunnicutt, uh,
117
00:05:12,137 --> 00:05:14,052
may be a little short
on military discipline.
118
00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:15,315
Who?
119
00:05:15,358 --> 00:05:17,839
Doctors
Pierce and Hunnicutt.
120
00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:19,319
I haven't had
the pleasure yet.
121
00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:21,712
Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Is that two T's?
122
00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:24,149
Oh, uh, please. I hope
I haven't given you
the wrong impression.
123
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,151
They're both first-rate
surgeons.
124
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:28,066
It's just that they like
to do crazy things.
125
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,851
Oh, really? What do you mean?
126
00:05:29,894 --> 00:05:33,594
Oh, well, they like
to show up for roll call
127
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:35,073
in their bathrobes.
128
00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:37,032
They keep a still
in their tent.
129
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:40,818
They once ran all my
underwear up the flagpole.
130
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,472
But I want you to understand,
131
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:44,996
it's an honor
to serve with these men.
132
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,695
They sound very interesting.
Where would they be now?
133
00:05:47,738 --> 00:05:50,306
I guess Captain Pierce
would be in post-op.
134
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,352
It's right
across the compound.
135
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,876
You can't miss it.
It's filled with
people getting better.
136
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:56,878
[both chuckling]
137
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,488
Over there.
138
00:05:58,532 --> 00:06:00,838
Thank you, Major.
You've been most helpful.
139
00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:03,363
-Glad to be of service.
-KLINGER: Hey, Washington!
140
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:05,930
From your eyes
to the congressman's ear.
141
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:08,933
-Have we met?
-Colonel Potter's office.
Remember?
142
00:06:08,977 --> 00:06:11,022
But you weren't
dressed like this.
143
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:13,547
It's a man's prerogative
to change his mind.
144
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:17,942
Klinger, you're disgusting.
This man is a
congressional aide.
145
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:20,858
You're telling me?
Now, sir, obviously
a guy like me
146
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:23,426
is unfit to defend his
country,
147
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,123
unless we're attacked
by the House of Dior.
148
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:28,431
-So, uh, what do you think?
-Klinger, you're crazy.
149
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:31,129
Don't coach him.
Let him make his own decisions.
150
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,305
Sir, why don't we run
and phone your boss?
151
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:35,482
Tell him I can be packed
and out of here in two hours.
152
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,353
Make that three--
I'd like to dye my pumps.
153
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,050
Sorry, soldier,
but Section Eights
154
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:42,445
are not within
the congressman's purview.
155
00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:45,056
-Now, if you'll
excuse me, Major?
-Certainly.
156
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:51,367
How do you like that?
All dolled up
and no place to go.
157
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,674
WILLIAMSON:
I hope you don't mind.
158
00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:56,024
Don't be silly.
It's fun answering
all these questions.
159
00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:58,330
Although I should warn you--
military secrets are extra.
160
00:06:58,374 --> 00:06:59,593
Do you have a pen
I could borrow?
161
00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:01,682
No, I'm sorry.
That's a military secret.
162
00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:03,901
Oh, what the heck.
I never could keep a secret.
163
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,599
Well, how are we today?
164
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:10,038
-[speaking Chinese]
-What is he saying?
165
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:12,954
Either he's thanking me
for saving his life
or his shorts are too tight.
166
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:15,783
-Is that Chinese he's speaking?
-That's right.
167
00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:17,828
Do you always treat
enemy soldiers?
168
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:21,963
Of course not.
Only if they're sick.
169
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:24,008
Okay, see you later.
Remember, no bowling
for a week.
170
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:25,488
[speaking Chinese]
171
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,838
Any instructions, Doctor?
172
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:30,928
Yeah. Meet me in X-ray in an
hour and wear something filmy.
173
00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:36,499
Now, that is a very
attractive woman.
174
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,501
Oh, sure, she looks great
in a uniform.
175
00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:41,504
But take it off
and she's wearing nothing.
176
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:45,203
Um, Captain, I'd like to
ask you a few more questions.
May I?
177
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:48,250
Yeah, sure.
I was just on my way
to my tent. Come on.
178
00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:50,295
You've had your shots,
haven't you?
179
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,995
Well, here's the place.
180
00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:59,304
-Nice.
-We're very proud of it.
181
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:01,524
It's just been condemned
by the Board of Swine.
182
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:03,874
Which brings us to my roommate--
B.J. Hunnicutt.
183
00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:06,050
B.J. Hunnicutt,
R. Theodore Williamson.
184
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:08,357
-R, B.J. B.J., R.
-Hi, R.
185
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,402
Now we're on
a first-letter basis.
186
00:08:10,446 --> 00:08:12,404
You guys sure are fast
with the repartee.
187
00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:14,102
Mr. Williamson
is from Congress.
188
00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:16,060
The home office
of the war?
189
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:19,411
Oh, then you'll be happy
to know wounds are up 25%.
190
00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:21,936
Hey, I think I know what that
sense of humor is covering up.
191
00:08:21,979 --> 00:08:24,852
-Oh, really? What?
-Let's be serious.
192
00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:28,420
Is there anything that we
on Capitol Hill can do
to improve things for you?
193
00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:31,336
Yeah, now that you mention it,
we could use a good
dermatologist.
194
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,861
Do you realize we're
sending soldiers to
the front with pimples?
195
00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:37,647
[chuckles]
Now, I'm not gonna be
able to help you guys
196
00:08:37,691 --> 00:08:40,215
if you keep on
cracking jokes.
197
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:41,869
I know the equipment here
is first-rate.
198
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,392
We made sure of that.
199
00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:45,046
But what about the personnel?
200
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:47,135
Is everyone as dedicated
as you are?
201
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,571
Ah, what do we care?
202
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:51,182
Come on, every unit has
its deadbeats,
203
00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:52,270
its malcontents.
204
00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:54,185
Malcontents? Here?
205
00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:57,928
This close to Ouijongbu,
the Hoboken of the Orient?
206
00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:01,105
Okay, okay,
I know it's no picnic.
207
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,934
But let's get back
to the people.
208
00:09:03,978 --> 00:09:07,372
What about the fellow
you share this tent with?
Winchester?
209
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:10,767
Ah, R. Theodore,
there is a true man among men.
210
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:13,422
Absolutely. But more than
a man, he's a prince.
211
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:15,293
-Tell me about him.
-He used to be a frog.
212
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:18,122
Mere words cannot
describe Charles.
213
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,560
Charles must be experienced.
214
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,170
It was the final chukker.
215
00:09:22,213 --> 00:09:24,607
Suddenly, the ball lay frozen
on the turf.
216
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:27,349
It was now or never.
I spurred my horse.
217
00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:28,916
"On, Pegasus!" I cried.
218
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,918
[imitating hoofbeats]
219
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:33,660
I feinted one way,
but I drove the other,
stroked the ball home
220
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:36,924
to put Amherst in its place
once and for all.
221
00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:38,926
That's fascinating, Major.
222
00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:41,929
But I'm really more interested
in your life after Boston.
223
00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:44,932
Mr. Williamson,
there is no life after Boston.
224
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,893
-"Still Life on a Shingle."
-Klinger, get out of my way.
225
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,113
Oh, how about a quick one
of you, Major?
226
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:54,898
-"Head Nurse Stokes
Up for Heavy Duty."
-Klinger, I'm warning you.
227
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:57,945
Even better, "Tempers Flare
as Dinner Approaches."
228
00:09:57,988 --> 00:10:01,035
You want a picture?
Get a close-up of this.
229
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:06,388
Do you want gravy on that?
230
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:09,260
There's enough double-talk
at that table for four
conversations.
231
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:12,873
Williamson's finding out the
most interesting thing about
Charles is he's boring.
232
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:14,962
You know, it's not my nature
to be suspicious,
233
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:18,922
but I found some
of Mr. Williamson's
questions highly personal.
234
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:21,708
-I find his person highly
questionable.
-What did he ask you, Father?
235
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:24,885
Well, he kept prodding me
about the people here.
236
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:27,322
Was I aware of anyone
not performing well,
237
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:30,368
not pulling his weight,
any malingerers.
238
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:32,066
What's wrong with that?
He's just trying
239
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,589
to see that we're
not wasting any money.
240
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,895
I bet that's it.
241
00:10:34,938 --> 00:10:37,027
He's looking for places
to cut the budget.
242
00:10:37,071 --> 00:10:39,073
Truman's decided that
half a buck stops here.
243
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:40,291
Oh, terrific.
A MASH unit
244
00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:41,902
is the perfect place
for a budget cut.
245
00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:44,861
Now you don't know that
that's what he's here for.
246
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:47,472
Why else is he asking
all these questions about us?
247
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:50,171
Maybe everything's going
so well here they've decided
to open a branch war.
248
00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:51,433
Why don't you ask him?
249
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:54,654
The direct approach.
What a sneaky trick.
250
00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:56,612
You should be ashamed
of yourself, Father.
We'll do it.
251
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,488
Well, if it isn't
the Hardy Bores.
252
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,926
Excuse us, Williamson,
but we're on a simple
fact-finding mission.
253
00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:07,667
What the hell
are you doing here?
254
00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:09,146
Why, I'm visiting
throughout the unit,
255
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:10,539
getting to know
you people.
256
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:12,628
You didn't come all this way
just to be folksy.
257
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,325
What are you doing in Korea?
258
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:16,545
We're very concerned
about how you boys
are doing over here.
259
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:19,983
Oh, no, Williamson,
it goes much deeper
than that, doesn't it?
260
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:22,203
Maybe deep enough to cut
a few of our key personnel?
261
00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:29,514
Gentlemen...
262
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:31,212
I think we should finish
this discussion
263
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:32,735
in the presence
of your commanding officer.
264
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,389
Well, if it isn't
budget cuts,
265
00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:37,392
what in Sam Hill
are you here for?
266
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:40,003
Gentlemen, in my work
for Congressman Lurie,
267
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:43,703
I have unearthed some news
that will come to you
as a severe shock.
268
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:47,881
The real enemy we are fighting
is within America itself.
269
00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:51,536
Oh, wait a second.
Suddenly, it all makes sense.
270
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,321
We're in the wrong country.
271
00:11:53,364 --> 00:11:55,584
It's not North and South Korea
who should be fighting.
272
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:56,933
It's North and South Dakota.
273
00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,152
We could be going home
weekends.
274
00:11:58,195 --> 00:11:59,936
Will you two
put a lock on it?
275
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:02,504
I think this boy's
got something serious
stuck in his craw.
276
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:04,636
Right, Colonel,
this is quite serious.
277
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,509
Congressman Lurie has obtained
incontrovertible evidence
278
00:12:07,552 --> 00:12:10,991
that this MASH unit
is harboring
a Communist sympathizer.
279
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:13,558
One of my people a Commie?
280
00:12:13,602 --> 00:12:15,082
Who are you talking about?
281
00:12:17,954 --> 00:12:19,826
Major Margaret Houlihan.
282
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:23,351
-Margaret Houlihan?
You got to be out of your mind.
-Are you crazy?
283
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:28,660
How could you
say such a thing?
284
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:32,186
I've always done my best
to be a model American!
285
00:12:32,229 --> 00:12:35,406
I'm a commissioned officer
in the United States Army!
286
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,757
For your information,
the Communists have infiltrated
287
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,193
our country
at the highest levels.
288
00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:40,890
We've found them
in the State Department.
289
00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:42,762
We've found them
in the Justice Department--
290
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,547
At Woolworth's,
you'll find them in
the Notions Department.
291
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:46,983
Now, Major...
292
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:51,553
I wonder if you
recall the name
293
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,163
of another model American--
294
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:54,512
one Walter Philip Crichton?
295
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:56,471
You mean Wally Crichton?
296
00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:57,951
Our investigations show
297
00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:01,563
that you and he were
quite... close.
298
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:04,871
We dated.
But that was ages ago.
299
00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:07,308
He was in college,
and I was a student nurse.
300
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,049
Wasn't it more than that?
301
00:13:09,092 --> 00:13:11,616
Were you not constant companions
for two years?
302
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:15,664
Did you not accompany him
to dances, parties... motels?
303
00:13:15,707 --> 00:13:17,884
I resent that implication!
304
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:21,191
We never went to a motel.
Wally had a Nash.
305
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:25,065
Look, sonny,
what's the big deal
about an old fling?
306
00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:27,154
For your information,
Walter Philip Crichton
307
00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:30,244
has been named as a subversive
by the House Committee.
308
00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:32,115
Wally Crichton?
309
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:33,987
What could he have done
that's subversive?
310
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:35,989
Walter Philip Crichton
was a founding member
311
00:13:36,032 --> 00:13:38,818
of an organization
called "Freedom for Tomorrow."
312
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,645
Freedom? Disgusting.
313
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:41,821
Next thing you know,
they'll be threatening us
314
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:44,345
with liberty
and justice for all.
315
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:47,870
This woman had a long-term,
intimate relationship with
a known Communist.
316
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:49,959
Had the same friends,
shared the same interests.
317
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:52,222
There you have it--
ironclad innuendo.
318
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:54,007
Where there is smoke,
there is fire.
319
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:56,705
Yeah.
Just ask Joan of Arc.
320
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:59,926
Williamson, your whole case
is a busload of bushwa.
321
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:03,103
You're talking about
the finest nurse
I've ever scrubbed with.
322
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:05,845
And you haven't said
diddly-squat about
anything she's done
323
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:06,976
to undermine this MASH.
324
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:09,109
I haven't done anything.
325
00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:11,894
Yes, I dated Wally.
326
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:14,679
He was funny.
327
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:18,118
He was a kind, gentle,
decent boy.
328
00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:20,294
There was nothing
subversive about it.
329
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:21,904
Then, it's really
a simple matter.
330
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,558
All you have to do
is tell me
331
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:25,342
who some of Mr. Crichton's
other friends were.
332
00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:26,735
-What do you mean?
-Simple.
333
00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:29,172
I want the names of people
he associated with.
334
00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:30,478
Where they went,
what they did.
335
00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:34,134
That was a long time ago.
336
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:38,051
There were so many friends.
Some were Wally's,
some were mine.
337
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:41,445
I-I can't remember names.
338
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:45,101
What makes her personal life
your business anyway,
Williamson?
339
00:14:45,145 --> 00:14:46,929
Colonel, if the major
really has nothing to hide,
340
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,627
a few simple questions aren't
going to do her any harm.
341
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:52,717
Major, would you
characterize yourself
as a patriotic American?
342
00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:54,502
Absolutely.
343
00:14:54,545 --> 00:14:55,895
And you consider Communism
344
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,548
the principle threat
to our way of life?
345
00:14:57,592 --> 00:15:00,203
-Yes, I do, but--
-And if someone known to you
346
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:01,726
supported the Communist cause,
347
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:03,511
would you not,
as a patriotic American
348
00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,817
want to bring that person
to the attention of
the authorities?
349
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:07,036
Yes, of course,
but these people--
350
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,909
Now, we needn't discuss
this here.
351
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:14,000
Take your time.
Think about it.
352
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:16,567
What if she can't
remember any names?
353
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:19,396
The major is an intelligent,
well-motivated woman.
354
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,615
She'll remember.
355
00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:22,269
Okay, let's say
she can remember.
356
00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:23,705
What if she just doesn't
want to tell you?
357
00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:26,316
Well, if she chooses
not to cooperate,
358
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,623
I would have no choice
but to subpoena her
359
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:30,233
to testify
before the committee.
360
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:33,280
Testify before the committee?
361
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:34,368
You've read
about the committee.
362
00:15:34,411 --> 00:15:35,891
They make it very simple
for you.
363
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,458
You can either hang yourself
or your friends.
364
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,460
Or both.
365
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,418
Whatever you do,
just showing up can
cost you your career.
366
00:15:41,462 --> 00:15:44,465
Mm, please.
367
00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:48,121
Wait a minute.
Let me think.
368
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:49,774
Don't tell this
snake anything.
369
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:52,299
Bad advice.
By her silence,
370
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,909
she would be implicating
herself in the Red Menace.
371
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,303
Don't tell us about
the Red Menace.
372
00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:58,174
We're up to our ankles in it.
373
00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:00,220
It comes out of those kids
you keep sending us.
374
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,969
I'm a reasonable man.
375
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:17,019
I'll be here for
two more days.
376
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,803
That should give the major
ample opportunity
377
00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:20,849
to jog her memory...
378
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:23,678
which shouldn't be
too difficult...
379
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,856
for a model American.
380
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,040
Uh, excuse me, miss.
Do youse come here often?
381
00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:41,304
You sure you two
want to be seen with me?
382
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:43,132
Are you kidding?
You think I want to be
seen with him?
383
00:16:43,176 --> 00:16:44,612
He eats with his fingers.
384
00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:47,702
I can't let them eat alone.
385
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:50,009
You know, I've been
thinking about those people
386
00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:51,619
Williamson wants me to name.
387
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:54,883
-I'll bet you have.
-They were all such fun.
388
00:16:56,798 --> 00:17:01,063
George Pfister,
president of his fraternity.
389
00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:03,239
He was pinned to four girls
at the same time.
390
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,415
Must have been murder going
through the revolving doors.
391
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:10,116
Emily Kingsley,
majored in chemistry.
392
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:12,161
Collected Russ Columbo records.
393
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:14,946
Buddy Gurlack.
394
00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:16,774
He was the school
chugalug champ.
395
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:19,212
An obvious threat
to national security.
396
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:20,561
Margaret, I think
it's your duty
397
00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:22,128
to make the world safe
from campus cutups.
398
00:17:22,171 --> 00:17:25,957
Those people meant
an awful lot to me.
399
00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:29,439
How could I put them
through a thing like this?
400
00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:30,919
Hey, you can
fight this guy.
401
00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:32,007
We'll help you
get a good lawyer.
402
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:35,445
I can't do that.
403
00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:37,447
All I can do is resign
my commission.
404
00:17:37,491 --> 00:17:40,102
Fighting would just make
that worse.
405
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:43,279
Are you crazy?
Williamson's case has
more holes in it
406
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:45,847
-than I have in
my combat boots.
-And it doesn't smell as good.
407
00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:47,762
It's not me.
408
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:50,156
It's my father.
409
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:54,334
He was so proud of me
when I made major.
410
00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,858
If I go before
that committee,
win or lose,
411
00:17:56,901 --> 00:18:00,296
I'll be publicly humiliated.
412
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,777
Maybe I could live with that,
413
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:05,388
but I could never live
with what that would do
to my father.
414
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:07,347
Margaret, you can't
just cave in like this.
415
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:08,435
I have no choice.
416
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:11,090
Excuse me.
I've lost my appetite.
417
00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:15,659
[coughs]
418
00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:17,879
What kind of gin do you use?
419
00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,881
The less you know,
the better.
420
00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:22,405
-Three scotches.
-Two scotches, one cognac.
421
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,320
Two scotches, one cognac.
422
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:35,331
-You men seem subdued.
-Huh?
423
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,028
What happened to the jokes?
424
00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:38,726
I guess nothing's
funny anymore.
425
00:18:38,769 --> 00:18:41,859
You know, this hasn't been
very pleasant for me either.
426
00:18:41,903 --> 00:18:44,427
I've had to accept
that what I'm doing
can be very unpopular.
427
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:46,647
If you're looking for sympathy,
you're with the wrong crowd.
428
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:48,431
I understand how you feel.
429
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:51,608
You regard Major Houlihan
as a friend.
430
00:18:51,652 --> 00:18:53,610
But in this committee's
fight against treason,
431
00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:55,873
we have learned that
even friends must be suspect.
432
00:18:55,917 --> 00:19:00,051
Sir, I am so conservative
that I make you look
like a New Dealer,
433
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:03,229
and I must tell you that
to suspect Margaret Houlihan
434
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:05,187
of political subversion
is absurd.
435
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:08,625
To suspect Margaret Houlihan
of political anything is absurd.
436
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,671
You're wasting your time, guys.
437
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:13,108
Look, Williamson, Margaret
didn't date a subversive.
438
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,415
She dated Wally. A guy.
439
00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:17,373
She also dated half
the generals in the Pacific.
440
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:18,766
Does that make her
a West Pointer?
441
00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:20,202
Do you expect me to believe
442
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:21,986
that she knew nothing
about Crichton's politics?
443
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:24,467
Be assured, Williamson...
444
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:26,426
Margaret's interest in a man
is kindled by passion,
445
00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:27,688
not by politics.
446
00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:29,864
If Hot Lips dated Joe Stalin,
447
00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:32,214
the only thing
she'd remember about him
is that his mustache tickled.
448
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,912
-Hot Lips?
-Yeah, that's a nickname
she picked up.
449
00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:37,959
-Don't you have that in
your dossier under aliases?
-No.
450
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,917
There's a lot you don't
know about Margaret.
451
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,354
Why don't you
leave her alone
452
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:42,616
and let her do the things
she likes to do,
453
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,139
like nursing
and having a good time.
454
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,794
-Having a good time?
-Having a great time.
455
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:49,623
-[chuckles]
-All very interesting,
gentlemen.
456
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:52,887
But promiscuity is hardly
what I would call a defense.
457
00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:58,893
[knocking]
458
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,377
Mr. Williamson.
459
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:07,075
Major, I-- I hope
I'm not disturbing you.
460
00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:09,338
No, it's--
461
00:20:09,382 --> 00:20:13,168
Please excuse
the way I'm dressed.
I was just going to bed.
462
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,257
This won't take long.
I promise.
463
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:16,693
What is it?
464
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:18,652
You have some rather
staunch friends.
465
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,567
They've been defending
you most avidly.
466
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:23,700
I thought perhaps we should
discuss your case again.
467
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:26,703
-May I come in?
-Well, I suppose so.
468
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:36,931
I haven't sent any papers
to Washington... yet.
469
00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:40,326
Well, you might just as well.
It's all true.
470
00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:44,199
I dated Wally Crichton.
I enjoyed it.
471
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,334
Is that a crime?
472
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:52,207
Major, I know
how you must feel.
473
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,340
Angry, confused, alone.
474
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:58,039
But there are ways
to work these things out.
475
00:20:58,082 --> 00:20:59,214
What ways?
476
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,172
You could get help
from someone
477
00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:02,522
who is experienced
in these matters.
478
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,437
Someone with the right
contacts in Washington.
479
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,612
Who?
480
00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:07,918
Someone who has
a congressman's ear.
481
00:21:07,962 --> 00:21:10,965
You? Would help me?
482
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:14,403
If only I-- I was sure that
you are the sort of person
that everyone says you are.
483
00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:16,144
I am.
I'm just like they say.
484
00:21:16,187 --> 00:21:17,667
But I know
so little about you.
485
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:19,756
I-I need to learn more
than I could
486
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,323
from some cold,
impersonal document.
487
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:23,107
Well, tell me what I can do.
488
00:21:23,151 --> 00:21:24,370
We need to be closer,
Margaret.
489
00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:27,024
Much closer.
490
00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:29,244
-Closer?
-Right.
491
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:36,164
"V.I.P. Makes Major Mistake."
492
00:21:36,207 --> 00:21:38,862
-What was that?
-It's 10:00.
493
00:21:38,906 --> 00:21:40,429
Did someone flash?
494
00:21:40,473 --> 00:21:42,257
Uh! Uh, uh...
495
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,781
There is someone
in that wall locker.
496
00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:46,609
-There is?
-Oh, my. You must--
497
00:21:46,653 --> 00:21:48,611
You're right,
they're everywhere.
498
00:21:48,655 --> 00:21:50,221
Klinger, is there
someone in here?
499
00:21:50,265 --> 00:21:51,745
No, I've been in here
20 minutes,
500
00:21:51,788 --> 00:21:52,876
and I haven't seen anybody.
501
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,401
What is he doing
with that camera?
502
00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:56,880
He appears
to be rewinding.
503
00:21:56,924 --> 00:22:00,406
What, pray tell,
were you doing?
504
00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:02,016
You want to grab her
one more time?
505
00:22:02,059 --> 00:22:03,757
I think
I got your bad side.
506
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,585
What the hell is going on here?
507
00:22:05,628 --> 00:22:07,108
We thought
your wife might appreciate
508
00:22:07,151 --> 00:22:09,110
some photos of
your fact-finding tour.
509
00:22:09,153 --> 00:22:10,459
Suitable for hanging.
510
00:22:10,503 --> 00:22:13,288
Oh-- You wouldn't stoop
to blackmail.
511
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:16,639
What about you,
you lecherous hypocrite?
512
00:22:16,683 --> 00:22:18,380
You're so sure
I'm a Communist,
513
00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:20,426
but for a little tumble,
you'd let me off the hook?
514
00:22:20,469 --> 00:22:22,645
Don't be absurd.
I would never have
let you off the hook.
515
00:22:22,689 --> 00:22:26,910
You mean you were gonna--
and then you--
516
00:22:26,954 --> 00:22:28,303
You creep!
517
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:30,784
Get out of here!
518
00:22:30,827 --> 00:22:32,046
Wait a minute.
519
00:22:32,089 --> 00:22:33,177
It's three poses
for a quarter.
520
00:22:33,221 --> 00:22:34,265
You've still got
two to go.
521
00:22:34,309 --> 00:22:35,832
We could take one
of each face.
522
00:22:35,876 --> 00:22:38,748
Enjoy your jokes, people.
523
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:43,231
But you have been duped
by a Communist sympathizer.
524
00:22:43,274 --> 00:22:45,407
What a coincidence.
So have you.
525
00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:47,757
[all laughing]
526
00:22:54,329 --> 00:22:56,940
I just got
the Stars and Stripes
with the photo contest in it.
527
00:22:56,984 --> 00:22:58,638
The big winner was
a cheesecake shot
528
00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:00,988
of a WAC called
"The Best Body in Seoul."
529
00:23:01,031 --> 00:23:04,426
Obviously good taste
was not a prerequisite.
530
00:23:04,470 --> 00:23:06,515
Must be very brave though.
531
00:23:06,559 --> 00:23:08,735
She's wearing two
Distinguished Service Crosses.
532
00:23:08,778 --> 00:23:12,303
Yeah, and isn't that other one
the Fantastic Conduct Medal?
533
00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:13,479
Revolting.
534
00:23:13,522 --> 00:23:14,958
How'd yours do, Klinger?
535
00:23:15,002 --> 00:23:16,482
Never sent 'em in, sir.
536
00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:18,179
I lost them somewhere between
537
00:23:18,222 --> 00:23:19,746
my "In" box
and my "Out" box.
538
00:23:19,789 --> 00:23:24,141
But I got some
good news, though.
Here, read this.
539
00:23:24,185 --> 00:23:27,014
"Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill.
540
00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:29,190
-"Congressman Daniel Lurie--
-Huh?
541
00:23:29,233 --> 00:23:32,367
"Caught in Washington
love nest with aide's wife.
542
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:36,502
-Ha!
-"'My husband drove me
to it,' sobbed a tearful"--
543
00:23:36,545 --> 00:23:38,939
ALL:
"L. Shirley Williamson."
544
00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:41,985
-[all laughing]
-Listen-- Listen to this.
545
00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:43,857
"I needed more
than a man who's married
546
00:23:43,900 --> 00:23:46,468
to his work first
and me second."
547
00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:47,861
Well, that seems fair.
548
00:23:47,904 --> 00:23:49,166
He had the
congressman's ear,
549
00:23:49,210 --> 00:23:50,429
and she got
everything else.
550
00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:54,476
♪♪ [theme]
551
00:24:03,093 --> 00:24:06,357
♪♪ [theme]
43192
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.