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[theme music playing]
2
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[rooster crowing]
3
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[dog barking]
4
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I hate the army!
5
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:18,426
Usually, I just can't stand it,but this is different.
6
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This is hate.
7
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Two days in surgery.
8
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I remove enough shrapnelto build a DeSoto.
9
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I evac an entire post-opfull of patients.
10
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Then I go to the mess tentfor my first decent meal.
11
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-You know what they
had for breakfast?
-I'm closed.
12
00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:36,748
Spam omelets withdried fruit cocktail.
13
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How can I eat thatand look my mouth in the face?
14
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,275
Sorry. My pots
and pans are asleep.
15
00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:45,148
Rosie. One quick,nourishing breakfast, please.
16
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Okay. I still got some greaseleft over from last night.
17
00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:51,502
-What'll you have?
-A beer and a bowl.
18
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What?
19
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:56,377
The breakfastof ex-champions.
20
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-Ahh. Listen to that.
-[crackling]
21
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Snap, crackle and burp.
22
00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:09,868
Mmm.
23
00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:15,309
Whatever you got,in a shot glass.
24
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-I might as well open.
-[sighs]
25
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Anything to smoke?
26
00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:24,970
Special today:
Two bits.
27
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-My treat.
-Thanks.
28
00:02:27,973 --> 00:02:29,366
It's got teeth marks on it.
29
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It's a demonstrator model.
30
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Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.And I forget your name?
31
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:37,287
Scully. Jack Scully.
32
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:40,203
Listen, uh,
I don't mean to pry,
33
00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:42,945
but are the Chinese rightoutside the door or something?
34
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Nope. I just came off the lineabout five miles back.
35
00:02:46,949 --> 00:02:49,604
Hell of a battle.When it was over,
36
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:51,562
I decided to go awayfor a little rest.
37
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,434
I've been a-walkin'and thumbin' since sunrise.
38
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You're AWOL?
39
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[exhales]For about three hours.
40
00:02:58,047 --> 00:03:00,310
AWOL? Did I hear AWOL?
41
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:01,833
Sorry, buddy,
but out you go.
42
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,618
I don't want no M.P.sbustin' in on me.
43
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:06,490
-I run a family bar.-I'll vouch for him, Rosie.
44
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:10,407
One M.P.,
and it's your butt.
45
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,409
I've been out therefor six months.
46
00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:14,542
Every day, crawlingand scratching
47
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:17,240
from one lousy foxholeto another.
48
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,939
Watching buddies of mineget clobbered two feet away,
49
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:23,246
knowing there'sno end in sight.
50
00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:24,943
Well, I called time-out.
51
00:03:24,943 --> 00:03:25,944
I'm lucky to have madeit this far,
52
00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:27,381
and I ain't going back.
53
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:28,730
That's the spirit.
54
00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:30,384
This war's over for me, mac.
55
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:32,037
I'm gonna sit right hereand order drinks
56
00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,126
and pay for 'em with whateverI got on my back.
57
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:37,173
I ought to last outa good 10 years.
58
00:03:37,173 --> 00:03:38,522
Refill.
59
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,264
Here. Keep the change.
60
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,832
No. Put that
back in your wallet.
61
00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:46,791
My contribution to
the antiwar effort.
62
00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:49,359
You're spoilin' me.
63
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:52,754
Ah, Hawkeye, there you are.
64
00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:54,364
I don't know why,
but there you are.
65
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,192
Beej, this is
Sergeant Scully,
and vice versa.
66
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,802
Hey, those are real
soldier clothes.
67
00:03:57,802 --> 00:03:59,413
Potter's looking for you.
68
00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:00,849
There's some paperwork
you didn't finish,
69
00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:02,242
like for the
last six months.
70
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,547
Tell him I'm sorry.
71
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:05,114
-No, tell him I'm
not coming back.
-Huh?
72
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,724
In fact,
you can rent out my room.
73
00:04:06,724 --> 00:04:08,248
Scully and I are
staying here forever.
74
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,772
-You're divorcing the army?-Call me fickle.
75
00:04:10,772 --> 00:04:12,382
I'll call you in Leavenworth.
76
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:14,993
Come on. Life is a sewersandwich. Have a shot.
77
00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:17,735
Sorry, I'm on a rigid diet.No alcohol before breakfast.
78
00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:19,911
Rosie'll whip you up
a side of waffles.
79
00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:21,826
Well, okay. One drink.
80
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:24,742
♪ ...again and again
81
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:27,658
♪ Once you have found her
82
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:30,574
♪ Never let her go
83
00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:33,447
♪ Once you have found her
84
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:35,971
♪ Never
85
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:39,017
♪ Let her
86
00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:40,671
Aw, let her go.
87
00:04:40,671 --> 00:04:42,847
You know our problem?Our voices are too low.
88
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:44,414
This time,let's be the Andrews Sisters.
89
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:46,286
I'll be Patty, you beMaxene, you be LaVerne.
90
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,810
I'm always LaVerne!
Why can't you be
LaVerne once?
91
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,291
Because I've had itwith making sacrifices!
92
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,466
They sent meto this stinking place,
93
00:04:52,466 --> 00:04:53,771
and they won't
let me go home.
94
00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,033
Sorry, I didn't know.
95
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:56,557
Sure glad
I'm not in your shoes.
96
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,080
Hey, let's nottalk about it.
97
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,386
As long as we're here,
98
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,736
there's no out there.Just us.
99
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,781
No lousy war.No crummy army.
100
00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:06,218
-And the skies are
not cloudy all day.
-Right.
101
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:10,397
You know, Scully makes sense.What he's trying to say is--
102
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:12,790
You stop me if I'm wrong--
103
00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:15,576
-What's he trying to say?-That Rosie's is an oasis,
104
00:05:15,576 --> 00:05:20,276
a bamboo security blanket,a neutral country all its own.
105
00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:24,149
Yeah. Yeah, a country.Why don't we form ourown country?
106
00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:27,065
Yeah, right.
There. You see what
you did, Uncle Sam?
107
00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:28,806
We seceded from the Union.
108
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:30,112
Hey, wait a minute.
109
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:31,722
Don't we gotta giveour country a name?
110
00:05:31,722 --> 00:05:33,855
Otherwise, how can school kidsever study about us?
111
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Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, okay. Uh...
112
00:05:36,858 --> 00:05:40,427
All right, a name.All right, okay. I got it.I got it. How's this?
113
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:42,603
-Canada.
-What?
114
00:05:42,603 --> 00:05:44,344
I think that's
being used.
115
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,823
All right.Then let's name it after--
116
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,042
After the founder Rosie.
117
00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:50,175
How's this?
Rosieland.
118
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:53,918
Rosieland is the name ofa ballroom, not a country.
119
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:56,051
If you let me call itRosieland, I'll be LaVerne.
120
00:05:56,051 --> 00:05:58,358
Rosieland! It's perfect!
121
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,708
Rosie, another round.
122
00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:03,014
Everybody drinking.
Anybody paying?
123
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:04,929
How 'bout a bottle
on the house?
124
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:06,322
We just declared
your crummy saloon
125
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,237
to be a sovereign
new state--Rosieland.
126
00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:10,152
Tsk. I gotta start
watering the booze.
127
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:13,851
Our motto is "Life,
liberty and the pursuit
of happy hour."
128
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:15,244
And we're staying here forever.
129
00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:17,333
Just don't
make a mess.
130
00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:20,162
Oh, there you are.
131
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:22,730
Colonel Potter's gotan all-points bulletinout for you two.
132
00:06:22,730 --> 00:06:23,774
We're not here.
133
00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,733
Oh, I get it. Layin' low.
134
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,735
Well, don't worry.My lips are stapled.
135
00:06:27,735 --> 00:06:29,214
Back in Toledo,
we got a saying:
136
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:31,129
spill the news,and you wear cement shoes.
137
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,392
What a nice wayto put it.
138
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,219
Here you go, LaVerne.
139
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:36,787
Rosie! I understand
Wang Ho is bringing
140
00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:39,181
Korea's finest floatingcrap game right here.
141
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:41,401
-I don't know a thing.-Hey, I gotta get in that game.
142
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,967
I even woremy professional knee pads.
143
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,882
I still don't know a thing.
144
00:06:44,882 --> 00:06:46,797
Right.
145
00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:48,843
-Here you are.
-Another five.
146
00:06:48,843 --> 00:06:50,758
How'd you know?
147
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,412
Just follow me.
148
00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:58,200
Great placeyou've got here!
149
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,289
Banquet facilitiesand everything.
150
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:03,074
When Wang Ho shows up,tell him you got a reservation.
151
00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:06,077
-Good luck, and bring backthe bacon.
-[laughs]
152
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:08,776
Luck has nothingto do with it. It's skill.
153
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:10,691
Back in Toledo,I was such a hot shooter,
154
00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:12,432
even a couple of big-league
scouts approached me.
155
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,999
The mob is always onthe lookout for fresh talent.
156
00:07:14,999 --> 00:07:17,828
Uh-huh. When you're
tap city, let me know.
157
00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:20,396
I got a big waiting listfor your spot.
158
00:07:22,354 --> 00:07:27,229
Hey, what's this?
159
00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:30,101
Oh. That's what happenedto that deadbeat.
160
00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:32,103
I thought he just skipped outwithout paying.
161
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:34,192
Whew! He's a sponge.
162
00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:37,457
Sir, you okay?
163
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,068
Thirty dollars.Liquor and two days' rent.
164
00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:42,200
-Cough it up.
-Don't tempt him.
165
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,943
♪ ["You Make Me
Feel So Young"] ♪
166
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,646
Ah, welcome to Rosieland!
167
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,083
With every drink you getan honorary citizenship
168
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:57,259
and a commemorative pretzel.
169
00:07:57,259 --> 00:08:00,305
Wait! Wait, wait!A little respect for our flag.
170
00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:04,309
Sort of makes youwant to cry, doesn't it?
171
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:11,360
Has anybody explained to youthe philosophy of Rosieland?
172
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,494
No. But somebody wanted to usemy underwear for a flag.
173
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,845
Oh, that would be our
secretary of the interior.
174
00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,629
It's an intimate little
country we have here,
175
00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:22,632
where man's only obligationis to love his fellow woman.
176
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:25,243
So how 'bout it?
You wanna be a patriot
and love me back?
177
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:27,942
Turncoat.
178
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,252
What's going on here?
179
00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:36,646
Aw, Major, we just came infor a little drink.
180
00:08:36,646 --> 00:08:38,996
-We're not on duty,
and everybody's here.
-That's what I mean.
181
00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:41,651
-Why wasn't I invited?
-We didn't think you'd
be interested.
182
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:44,306
-That's gonna cost
you both a drink.
-Well, sit down.
183
00:08:44,306 --> 00:08:46,526
Excuse me, ladies.
I'd like to go
over your head.
184
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,310
Major, would you
care to dance?
185
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:50,094
Oh, thank you,but I'm having a drinkwith my nurses.
186
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:51,922
What would you say
if I told you
187
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,794
you're the prettiest thing
I've seen in six months?
188
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:56,448
Let's hit the floor.And please, call me Margaret.
189
00:08:58,494 --> 00:08:59,887
Oh, sir, thank goodness
you're here,
190
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,192
or I wouldn't
have found you here.
191
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:02,846
Colonel Potter's
really mad.
192
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:04,544
Radar, you can tell Potterwe're not coming back.
193
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,851
Are you crazy? You want me
to tell him that?
194
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:09,592
This morning
he bit through a pencil,
195
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,507
and he wasn't even
wearing his partial.
196
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,640
No, sir. If you're not willingto face the colonel, Captain,
197
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,729
-neither am I.
-Then neither am I.
198
00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:17,295
How about a grape Nehi?
199
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,036
Yeah. I could use one.
200
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:23,606
Who's that?
201
00:09:23,606 --> 00:09:26,174
Klinger found himabout an hour ago.
202
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:28,655
If nobody claims him bytomorrow, he gets to keep him.
203
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,744
Doesn't he have any I.D.?He's gotta have I.D.
204
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:32,310
Just his dog tags.
205
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,748
Major Frank Dorsett,the unknowing soldier.
206
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:36,445
Maybe I bettercheck him out with H.Q.
207
00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,578
Yeah, see if they havea missing drunk.
208
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,276
First I'm gonna have
that Nehi.
209
00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:43,713
Maybe a double.
210
00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:49,371
B.J.: Straight Nehi
for my friend here.
211
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:56,117
Gentlemen. The Wang Ho
crap game is here
for your enjoyment.
212
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:58,293
-Here we go.
-Wait a minute.
213
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:01,078
Neither of you is Wang Ho.How could this be his game?
214
00:10:01,078 --> 00:10:03,341
He sold it to us,
but we get to use his name.
215
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:05,256
Good for business.
216
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:09,391
I'm Cho Kim, and this
is my oldest son Ham.
217
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:12,089
-Ever see two
more honest faces?
-Plenty of times.
218
00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:14,091
-Here we go.
-[laughs]
219
00:10:14,091 --> 00:10:15,397
Funny clothes you wear
to shoot dice.
220
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:17,094
Where you gonna put
your winnings?
221
00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:18,748
I got a garter belt
and two B cups.
222
00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,271
You shoot. Ladies first.
223
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:21,621
Okay. Down for 10. Cover me.
224
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,100
[chattering]
225
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,146
Here we go. It's likehanding Liberace a piano.
226
00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:28,453
-Yeah, so you say.-All right. Talk to me,freckle twins!
227
00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:31,021
-Here we go, baby!
-Point is four.
228
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:33,894
-Twenty he won't make it.-Ho-ho! [blows]
229
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:35,852
Come on, four!
230
00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,767
Craps! Mr. Seven is a loser.
231
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:41,858
-[laughs]-Come on, guys. My wholefuture's in your hands.
232
00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:43,991
[cheers, applause]
233
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,953
Ah, another first-timer.
234
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:51,999
Can I get you a table,
baby face?
235
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,218
[chuckles] No, thank you.I won't be staying long.
236
00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:56,351
I'm just here on a mission,as it were.
237
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:59,615
Well, have fun. You look likeyou could use it.
238
00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:01,878
[cheers, applause]
239
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:08,929
B.J., I hate to interruptyou in mid-debauch,
240
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,321
but I'd like a word with you.
241
00:11:10,321 --> 00:11:11,671
You're not going
to tell me
242
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:12,846
that Potter is
still looking for us?
243
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,238
Pardon my French,
244
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,197
but if the Colonel noticeshis diminished ranks,
245
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:17,589
there's gonna be hell to pay.
246
00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,896
You need a drink.
Another beer here!
247
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:23,204
This isn't one of my sermons.I expect you to listen.
248
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:26,468
Father, we're hiding
from the world, not Potter.
249
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:29,732
And every extra minute away
is pure gold.
250
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:32,866
Come on.
Don't tarnish it.
251
00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:36,043
[sighs] Ah, well.I never could play the heavy.
252
00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:40,351
Ah, finally.
A customer with money.
253
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:43,093
I am looking for
an indolent worm.
254
00:11:43,093 --> 00:11:47,315
-You won't find one
in my kitchen.
-[laughs] Oh, no.
255
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:49,883
Get out of my way, honey.
256
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,232
Pierce! Pierce!
257
00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:53,016
No, Charles,
you may not cut in.
258
00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:54,931
You were to have relieved meas officer of the day
259
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:56,237
over two hours ago.
260
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:57,629
Now I demand a full apology,
261
00:11:57,629 --> 00:11:59,196
even though I willnever accept it.
262
00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:01,372
Yeah, well, you can blow itout your Bosko, Winchester,
263
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,853
'cause I'm not apologizing,and I'm not taking O.D. duty.
264
00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,160
If I say apologize,you will apo--
265
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,814
What do you mean you're nottaking officer of the day?
266
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,032
Just what I said.
267
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:11,208
None of your long-windedexcuses, Pierce.
268
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:12,688
You can't toy with me.
269
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:14,211
Now either you take
this badge immediately,
270
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:16,648
or I will have you
court-martialed so fast,
271
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,520
your vacuum-like
head will spin.
272
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,261
Silence! Another word,
273
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:21,828
and I'll have youunder citizen's arrest.
274
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,047
-I am going to count to one.-That's the word.
275
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,746
What are you doing--Pierce, what are you do--You are touching me!
276
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,836
-Pierce! [shouting]
-Get this, will ya?
277
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,272
Pierce, let go!
278
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:33,013
You guys are gonna getyourselves in real trouble.
279
00:12:33,013 --> 00:12:34,449
-Look who's talking.
-Let go of me,
280
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:36,799
or you will neversee your families again!
281
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:40,194
-ALL: [cheering]
-CHARLES: Please!
282
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:46,374
-[dice rattling]
-Okay, okay.
283
00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:48,115
Somethin' right's
gotta happen here.
284
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,812
Hey, stay back.
You're in my luck.
285
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:51,161
The point is six.
286
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,815
-Oh, hello, everyone.
-[speaking Korean]
287
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:54,643
No, no, don't worry, Cho.He's one of us.
288
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:56,253
Have a kneel, Father, while Itry to thaw these dice.
289
00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:57,298
Thank you.
290
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:58,778
Okay, roll the bones,Klinger.
291
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,301
Come on. I need a six.
292
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:02,042
Baby needs a new girdle.
293
00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:03,347
-Come on, six!
-Come on, six!
294
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:06,568
-Seven!
-Father, I gotta
change my luck.
295
00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:08,526
Please, He won't fail you.
296
00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:10,833
Oh, Klinger.I don't like to callon Him for this.
297
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:13,183
I'll come to church.
I promise.
298
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,707
Oh, well, in that case.
299
00:13:15,707 --> 00:13:18,275
A new shooter.A holy roller!
300
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:19,711
Okay, okay.
Ten on the father.
301
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,931
-You're covered.
-Come on, baby!
302
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:24,629
The cardinal needsa new pair of red shoes.
303
00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:27,023
And none of you
are seeing this.
304
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:29,025
Hey! Craps!
305
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:30,679
Snake eyes. You lose!
306
00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:32,768
You must notlive right, Father.
307
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,335
Klinger,maybe we should quit.
308
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:36,119
Quit? A Klinger
never quits.
309
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:38,208
Surrender or desert,
yes. But quit? Never!
310
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:40,167
Besides, he's got all mySaturday night jewelry.
311
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:41,168
[laughs]
312
00:13:41,168 --> 00:13:43,518
Major?
313
00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:44,998
Major, you gotta get up.
314
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,046
Hey, listen, Major.
315
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:51,221
I know you're havin'a good time and everything,
316
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:52,614
but this is really important.
317
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:04,452
[sighs]
318
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:06,758
Begging your pardon, Major,but you're really disgusting.
319
00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:09,022
Couldn't you find a liveliercompanion, Radar?
320
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:11,938
We got a big problem here.I called H.Q.
321
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:14,331
I had them check this guy outfrom here to Tokyo.
322
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,507
And there's no recordof him whatsoever.
323
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,727
-Who'd want him
in the first place?-He's not listed anywhere.
324
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:20,860
As far as they're concerned,this guy doesn't even exist.
325
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,687
-The army is always right.
-Huh.
326
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,125
It's so refreshingto meet a man like you.
327
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,910
-Oh, really?
-Yes.
328
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,564
The only ones
I get to meet lately
329
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,783
are general officers--
real softies
330
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,742
who hang
their big potbellies
331
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:36,266
over their dinner table
and spout "War is hell."
332
00:14:36,266 --> 00:14:39,356
[laughs] How do I get
a job like that?
333
00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:43,099
[laughs] There's a realstrength about you.
334
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:45,101
I don't mean justthe broad shoulders.
335
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:48,235
It's a real force that'salmost overpowering.
336
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:49,540
You're crushing my hand.
337
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:51,368
Oh. I'm sorry.
338
00:14:53,805 --> 00:14:56,852
So how long do you havebefore you rejoin your unit?
339
00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:59,507
Margaret, I kinda like youexcept for one thing--
340
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,117
you talk a little too much.
341
00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:02,989
That's only because
I'm so interested in you.
342
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:05,600
Shh.
343
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:10,474
You'll never make general.
344
00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:13,347
Colonel Potter!
What an honor.
345
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:16,089
Let me clear outa few of these bumsand get you a table.
346
00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:18,134
That's okay, Rosie.
I just stopped by
347
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,049
to see where my camp went.
348
00:15:22,791 --> 00:15:24,619
Pierce.What's going on here?
349
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,186
I've been losing peopleall day.
350
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:28,362
It's very simple, Colonel.
We quit the war.
351
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:31,060
Uh-huh. When you quit,you're supposed to give notice.
352
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,889
Oh, Colonel. I found Hawkeye.He's over at Rosie's.
353
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,065
You two are deep
in my doghouse.
354
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:38,285
And where's that
officer of the day?
355
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,939
Uh, over here.
356
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,549
He's fit to be tied.
357
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:44,813
It was easy roping him,
358
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:46,597
but it took six of usto get the gag in his mouth.
359
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:48,121
Where do youwant him branded?
360
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:50,210
Why can't you three
learn to play together?
361
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:53,039
Okay, Winchester.
362
00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:56,651
Colonel, I--
[gags, clears throat]
363
00:15:56,651 --> 00:16:00,742
I was raised in a graciousand civilized atmosphere.
364
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:02,962
I was taught the Golden Rule,
365
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,268
and with the exceptionof some few business dealings,
366
00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:06,704
I have learned to live by it.
367
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:10,491
However, in this case,I want these vermin hung!
368
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,362
I want them
buried in anthills,
369
00:16:12,362 --> 00:16:14,625
their bodies smeared
with honey!
370
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,932
-Easy, Major.
-I want them drawn
and quartered,
371
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:19,021
and I want
the pieces arrested!
372
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:21,415
Shush, Winchester.
He's got a case.
373
00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:24,244
I have never beenso humiliated in my life!
374
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,811
In between dances,they come over here and they--
375
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:28,465
they sit on me!
376
00:16:29,814 --> 00:16:31,207
Will you pipe down?
377
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:35,429
I demand you bring chargesagainst all the people--
378
00:16:35,429 --> 00:16:38,736
Okay, Winchester. I'll
take care of everything.
You just relax.
379
00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:40,608
You! Follow me.
380
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:44,873
Colonel, you can't spank us.
381
00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:46,831
Rosie doesn't have
her woodshed.
382
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:48,398
You know, as a commander,
383
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:50,661
I let you two get awaywith a lot around here--
384
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,620
even hog-tying a surgeon.
385
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,187
But if I let youwalk out on me
386
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:55,840
and take the whole campwith you,
387
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,886
there's nothing to command.
388
00:16:57,886 --> 00:17:00,280
I'm afraid I'm gonna haveto shut this wingding down.
389
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,282
Look, Colonel, there area lot of people in there
390
00:17:02,282 --> 00:17:04,023
haven't had a nightlike this in a long time.
391
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,025
I know. I know a thinglike this is needed.
392
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,679
But I needsomething too: respect.
393
00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:11,160
It's supposed to comewith the job and, besides,I've earned it.
394
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,948
Colonel, there were a lotof things we meant to showour disrespect for,
395
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,690
but unfortunately,you got caught in the rush.
396
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,736
To put it another way...We're sorry.
397
00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:24,565
You think that helps,don't you?
398
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:27,481
All right,cut Winchester loose.
399
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:29,874
I'll tell him you wereout of your heads.He'll believe that.
400
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,312
-Appreciate it.
-We'll remember this.
401
00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:34,923
I doubt if tomorrowyou'll remember anything.
402
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:40,276
-Made it!
-Pay the lucky lady.
403
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:42,322
-Finally.-Congratulations, my son.
404
00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:44,672
-Cho, let it ride.
-Let it ride.
405
00:17:44,672 --> 00:17:46,369
Klinger, what's
gotten into you?
406
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:48,371
You made back a few dollars.Be happy with that.
407
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:51,940
For the last time,white collar,leave players alone!
408
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,507
You keep threatening me,young man,
409
00:17:53,507 --> 00:17:55,204
and you'll be wearingthose dice in your nose.
410
00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:58,381
-Ooh, Father.-Klinger, I don't trustthese two.
411
00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,817
I haven't been ableto catch them at it,
412
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,384
but I know they'repulling something.
413
00:18:01,384 --> 00:18:02,907
They're clean, Father.
I thought
414
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,170
they might be exchanging
dice with the money,
415
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:05,519
but I haven't seen nothin'.
416
00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:06,824
Look, my touch
is coming back.
417
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:07,912
They can't beat me now.
418
00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:09,871
Come on. Come on.
Let's go.
419
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:11,481
Okay, okay.
420
00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:14,702
You're in trouble now, boys.
421
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:16,921
Seven-eleven! Ha!
422
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:19,837
-Nine to make!
-It's in the bag.
It's in the bag.
423
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:23,145
Nine, fellas, nine.
Come on, nine!
424
00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:25,974
-A niner!
-Pay the winner!
425
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:29,369
Two in a row.I've never seen such luck!
426
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:31,066
You're short five,old-timer.
427
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,068
What? Sorry.
428
00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:34,939
For an old pit boss,
429
00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:39,161
I'm sure lousy with numbers.
430
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:41,381
-Here you go, Mrs. Luck.-Surprise boys.
431
00:18:41,381 --> 00:18:44,862
-Let it ride again.
-Let it ride!
432
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:46,342
Here we go!
433
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:47,648
Klinger, I'd liketo talk to you.
434
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,084
Father, not now.
I'm on a roll.
435
00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:51,260
-Especially now!
-Father!
436
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,001
There's somethingyou should know.
437
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,785
He's been like this
for hours, Rosie.
438
00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:57,048
Don't worry, Radar.
Even if he's dead,
439
00:18:57,048 --> 00:18:58,485
my coffee
will bring him back.
440
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:00,443
-What's in it?
-Just coffee, an egg,
441
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:01,662
and a little gunpowder.
442
00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:04,447
-That's dangerous!
-Yeah!
443
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:07,015
Now, you hold his nose.I'll pour it down.
444
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:09,235
He'll gag a lot,but don't mind.
445
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:12,151
Okay. This is for
your own good, Major.
446
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:17,330
Oh, geez. I can't look.
Ooh! Ooh!
447
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:20,071
Oh, no. I told Hawkeyethere'd be trouble.
448
00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:22,813
Oh, geez.
They're probably here
for Major Dorsett.
449
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:24,641
They'll see this and think
I should know something,
450
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:26,295
but I don't know,
so I'll get blamed.
451
00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:28,167
I'm sorry, sir.
You're on your own.
452
00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,261
Excuse me, fellas.
453
00:19:35,261 --> 00:19:36,871
Where do you think
you're going, Corporal?
454
00:19:36,871 --> 00:19:39,003
Who, me? I'm just going
back to the camp.
455
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,440
I, uh...
I just came over here
456
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,224
for a couple
of bottle of booze.
457
00:19:42,224 --> 00:19:45,184
You know,
west my whittle--
wet my whistle.
458
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,968
Uh-huh. What else?
459
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:49,710
Oh, look. I don't
even know him! Geez!
460
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,233
I'm not even the one
that found him!
461
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,235
He was asleep. I tried
to wake the major up,
462
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:55,324
and he wouldn't be... up.
463
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:57,500
Sit over there and writethe whole thing out.
464
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,849
Right. I'll write.
465
00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:01,417
Jordan, start checking
through the crowd.
466
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:05,247
-I wonder what
they're looking for.
-Probably me.
467
00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:07,423
What? Why?
468
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:10,252
I'm AWOL. I walked off
the line this morning.
469
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:12,515
You deserted? You?
470
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:14,648
I hope that doesn't
make a difference.
471
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,954
Uh, excuse me.What are you guys doing?
472
00:20:16,954 --> 00:20:18,521
Looking for an AWOL.
473
00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:19,870
Oh, uh, yeah. Well,
474
00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:21,872
I'm--I'm your man.I'm the AWOL.
475
00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:24,527
It's all a misunderstanding.I don't own a watch.
476
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:25,876
You don't fit
the description.
477
00:20:25,876 --> 00:20:27,487
Of course not,I'm wearing a disguise.
478
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:29,619
I mean, I know the face lookslike I just threw it on,
479
00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:31,317
but it's the best I could do.
480
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:32,970
Oh, a joker.
481
00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:34,320
You're making a big mistake.
482
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,712
I'm wanted in three other wars.
483
00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:38,933
Could I see some I.D.,
Sarge?
484
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:42,241
Uh, sorry. I don't have any.It just gets me in trouble.
485
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,199
Maybe you'd better
come with me.
486
00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:47,333
CHO: It's a friendly game!
487
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,813
[men shouting]
488
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,162
I'll kill you guys!
489
00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:54,688
Nobody cheats meand gets away with it!
490
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,777
-[glass breaking]
-Nice move.
491
00:20:56,777 --> 00:21:00,259
-[grunts]
-Fight! Fight!
492
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:04,567
Oh, my Lord! Stop!
Stop this, please!
493
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:07,135
-You're all setting
a bad example!
-Aaah!
494
00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:10,878
-[fighting continues]
-[woman screams]
495
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:12,358
Somebody should stop this.
496
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:14,229
What are you girls waitingfor? Get out there!
497
00:21:14,229 --> 00:21:16,013
Incoming!
498
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:19,756
-[man yelling]-[punches being thrown]
499
00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:23,064
All right!Which one of you guysthrew this wood?
500
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,761
[punch being thrown]
501
00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:26,546
Serves you right!
502
00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:28,852
-Get off me!
-[groans]
503
00:21:28,852 --> 00:21:31,115
-Thanks.
-You bet.
504
00:21:31,115 --> 00:21:33,857
Come on!Once the fight clears up,they're gonna take you in.
505
00:21:33,857 --> 00:21:35,555
Margaret!
You're on my side.
506
00:21:35,555 --> 00:21:36,947
I just don't wanna see youget in any trouble.
507
00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:38,384
Now go on.Go back to your unit.
508
00:21:38,384 --> 00:21:40,037
Tell 'em you got lostin the battle.
509
00:21:40,037 --> 00:21:42,083
That's not the point.
I'm sick of the war!
510
00:21:42,083 --> 00:21:44,172
Who isn't? Jack,we have no time to argue.
511
00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:45,521
Now come on,for heaven's sake.
512
00:21:45,521 --> 00:21:47,262
-Don't be a fool. Go. Now.-Okay, Margaret.
513
00:21:47,262 --> 00:21:49,264
But don't be surprised
if I show up on
your doorstep again.
514
00:21:49,264 --> 00:21:52,354
-I've grown a little
fond of this place.
-Any time.
515
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:54,400
[fighting continues]
516
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,925
Hey, baby! How 'bouta little kiss for me?
517
00:21:57,925 --> 00:22:00,667
-Ooh!
-[crashes]
518
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:03,539
Gimme the money!
Give me the money!
Here. Hold this.
519
00:22:04,758 --> 00:22:06,803
[grunting]
520
00:22:06,803 --> 00:22:09,763
-[laughing]
-Come on. Come on.
Come on. Gimme that.
521
00:22:09,763 --> 00:22:12,331
Ahh. There it is!
522
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,985
Okay, guys. Where's the dice?I'm rarin' to play.
523
00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:18,989
Boy! What a night!
524
00:22:24,734 --> 00:22:27,171
[rooster crowing]
525
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,961
[groans]
Oh. Oh.
526
00:22:33,961 --> 00:22:35,528
What time is it?
527
00:22:35,528 --> 00:22:38,008
About a half past
the 20th century.
528
00:22:38,008 --> 00:22:41,142
We gotta get back.I got duty in post-opthis afternoon.
529
00:22:41,142 --> 00:22:43,231
Yeah, we'll probably gonnastart getting casualties soon.
530
00:22:43,231 --> 00:22:45,538
-It's been too quiet
around here.
-[dog barking]
531
00:22:45,538 --> 00:22:48,279
Good night, Rosie.
Thanks for a great time.
532
00:22:48,279 --> 00:22:49,803
Get lost already.
533
00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:52,283
Could somebody
call me a cab?
534
00:22:52,283 --> 00:22:53,372
What's that?
535
00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:57,071
[object falls to ground]
536
00:22:57,071 --> 00:23:00,204
I've gotta
grab a cab fast.
537
00:23:00,204 --> 00:23:02,555
Uh, I've got a meeting
at Pearl Harbor
538
00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:04,295
in an half--
half an hour.
539
00:23:05,427 --> 00:23:09,300
-He's alive.
-Hey.
540
00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:12,347
This isn't the Halekulani.Where am I?
541
00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:13,653
Where do you think you are?
542
00:23:13,653 --> 00:23:14,871
Honolulu.
543
00:23:14,871 --> 00:23:16,569
I'm stationed
over at Schofield.
544
00:23:16,569 --> 00:23:18,005
I don't think you're
gonna make your meeting.
545
00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:19,180
You're in Korea.
546
00:23:19,180 --> 00:23:21,182
Korea?
547
00:23:21,182 --> 00:23:24,228
Wow. They really
took me seriously.
548
00:23:24,228 --> 00:23:26,883
-What?-I was sitting withsome of my friends,
549
00:23:26,883 --> 00:23:29,277
and we were toasting July 4.
550
00:23:29,277 --> 00:23:32,889
And I was saying how I'd liketo join the fun in Korea.
551
00:23:32,889 --> 00:23:34,848
They must've stuck me
on a transport.
552
00:23:34,848 --> 00:23:37,764
Why would anybody needto get drunk in Hawaii?
553
00:23:37,764 --> 00:23:39,940
Come on.
554
00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:42,421
As long as you're here,we'll show you some of the fun.
555
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:45,424
Then you'll really
need a drink.
556
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:46,947
By the way,
it's not July 4.
557
00:23:46,947 --> 00:23:48,252
It's about August 10.
558
00:23:48,252 --> 00:23:49,602
Well, what do you know?
559
00:23:49,602 --> 00:23:51,647
I've been plastered
for five weeks.
560
00:23:51,647 --> 00:23:53,040
That's a new record.
561
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,824
In Honolulu maybe,but not here.
562
00:24:07,707 --> 00:24:08,925
[theme music playing]
41785
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