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[theme music playing]
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[chatter]
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More suction.
4
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:01,931
Margaret, hemostat.
5
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:04,281
-Hemostat.
-[exhales]
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00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:07,589
-Your hemostat, doctor.-Huh? Oh.
7
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After 18 hours in here,
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00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:10,592
the patient is more
coherent than I am.
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Hawk, I'm gettin' drowsy.
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Turn that radio
back on, will ya?
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Certainly. Click.
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♪ In the mornin',
in the evenin' ♪
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♪ Ain't we got fun?
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Could we get another
station, please?
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Better still,yank the plug.
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All right, all right, all right.[imitates telegraph beeping]
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[imitating Walter Winchell]Good evening, Mr. And Mrs. Ship
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and all the Americans at sea.
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Flash--Korea.
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The U.S. Armyhas just declared sleep
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off limits to all surgeons.
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As a result, heads will beworn lighter this winter.
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And now stay tuned
for Burns and Allen
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over most of this same mouth.
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POTTER:
Say good night, Gracie.
26
00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:42,450
-Who ordered the liver?-This table, waiter.
27
00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:46,628
You sure that's a liver?
Looks like Illinois to me.
28
00:01:46,628 --> 00:01:49,892
Father, how many morepoor unfortunateshave we out there?
29
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In round figures,too many.
30
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What were these guys doing,runnin' around in circles?
31
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I've got entry wounds comin'from three different angles.
32
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:57,813
It was a duck shoot.
33
00:01:57,813 --> 00:01:59,989
It seems when the order
to retreat came down,
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one battalion commander
decided
35
00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,993
his men should stay
and fight a little longer.
36
00:02:03,993 --> 00:02:06,213
-Oh, yeah. That's
Colonel, uh...
-Lacy.
37
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:08,998
-Bingo.
-He's become our
chief supplier.
38
00:02:08,998 --> 00:02:10,739
Well, why not?He deals strictly wholesale.
39
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:12,871
Lacy has the highest
casualty rate
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00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:15,352
of any battalion commander
in this sector.
41
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:19,008
H.Q. calls that aggressive.
I call it damn reckless.
42
00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:21,402
Whatever you call it,I'm sick of sewing itback together.
43
00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:24,013
What kind of day did I
have at the office, Radar?
44
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,536
Uh, sir, while youwere in the O.R.,
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you took careof the strength report,
46
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completed the DD-5, uh,series A through C,
47
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and you ordereda new autoclave.
48
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,196
It's amazing
how much I can get done
49
00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:35,198
without even showing up.
Thank you, son.
50
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:36,765
Oh, uh, yes, sir.There's one other thing.
51
00:02:36,765 --> 00:02:38,114
When you were reachin'for the phone,
52
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:39,420
you knocked overyour wife's picture,
53
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:40,986
and you broke the glass.
54
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:43,163
It's okay. I'm sure
I didn't mean to.
55
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Yeah, I know.
56
00:02:45,774 --> 00:02:48,994
-Hey!
-Ungowa! Ungowa.
57
00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:51,127
Moo goo gai pan.
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00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:54,870
Hear me, O Spirit of Darkness.That's the guy.
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Klinger, I'm pooped.
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Ah, it's working already.
61
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All right, I'll bite.What's working?
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My voodoo.
63
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,140
-You do voodoo?
-Ungowa.
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00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:07,230
-[gibberish]
-Hey, come on!
65
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:08,536
Colonel, Colonel,
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00:03:08,536 --> 00:03:10,538
I've tried chicanerymalingering,
67
00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:12,540
and endless flimflammeryto get out of here.
68
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,672
Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
69
00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:17,153
I'm pulling outthe heavy artillery.
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00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,416
Boo-la, boo-la!Chicken gumbo!
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Get away!
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Boy, that better not
be one of mine.
73
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:24,595
-No, no. I got that
from the cook.
-Oh.
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00:03:24,595 --> 00:03:27,598
Colonel, I'm gonna put
such a curse on you,
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00:03:27,598 --> 00:03:28,860
you'll be on your knees
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00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,862
begging me to accept
a Section 8.
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00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:32,124
Uh-huh.
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00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:33,430
Oh, and if thatdon't do it, sir--
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00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:36,607
ha ha--I'll beforced to use this!
80
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:38,914
Oh, come on, Klinger.
Cut out the weird stuff.
81
00:03:38,914 --> 00:03:41,525
I presumethat's a little me?
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00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,179
It ain't Mickey Rooney.
83
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,050
Now, you know how this
works, don't you, sir?
84
00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,792
Every day, another pin.
85
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:50,795
Every day, another pain.
86
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,536
Stick it, swami.
87
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,973
You're livingon borrowed time, sir.
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00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:56,975
Come on! You can't talk
to the colonel like that.
89
00:03:56,975 --> 00:03:58,107
And you stay out of it,
90
00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:00,152
or the teddy beargets it next!
91
00:04:00,152 --> 00:04:03,765
-Good morning, Father.
-Father.
92
00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:05,506
Looks like you'll havea full house Sunday.
93
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:10,206
I expect so. I usually do
after a big battle.
94
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:13,470
Out there, when
the fighting is fiercest,
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00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:16,604
a lot of silent promises
get made.
96
00:04:16,604 --> 00:04:19,346
HAWKEYE: Corporal North.What a coincidence.
97
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,651
We're both from
the same blood type.
98
00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:22,174
Oh, skip the
balloon juice, Doc.
99
00:04:22,174 --> 00:04:23,915
Is this one gonna
send me home?
100
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:25,308
I never know how to breaknews like this,
101
00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:27,658
-but you're in good shape.-Damn.
102
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:30,487
They're gonna ship me
right back to that maniac.
103
00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:31,662
Wait, let me guess.
104
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:33,664
The lovely and talentedColonel Lacy.
105
00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:36,972
Doc, I swear, if they ship
me back to that unit,
106
00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:38,408
I'll kill him.
107
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:40,105
Well, not right away.You need some rest first.
108
00:04:40,105 --> 00:04:41,542
[horn honking]
109
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,021
And don't expectto get any here.
110
00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:44,675
[honking continues]
111
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Honk all you want. We'renot moving this hospital.
112
00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:48,244
Who is that idiot?
113
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:50,899
MULCAHY: I've never
seen him before.
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00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:52,248
MARGARET:Or anyone like him.
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00:04:52,248 --> 00:04:53,467
Back up, Margaret.
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00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:55,120
Your hot breathis fogging the window.
117
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:03,215
Colonel Lacy, 163rd.Infantry. Combat.
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00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:06,958
Yeah, uh, O'Reilly, 4077th.
Clerk. Company.
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00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:09,309
Well, just the manI want to see.
120
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,398
Thank you, sir. Why?
121
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:13,878
You run this outfit,don't you?
122
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:16,490
Oh, no, sir. We have
a colonel that does that.
123
00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:19,231
Well, on paper, maybe.I've never seen the unit yet
124
00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,669
where the company clerkwasn't the real man in charge.
125
00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:25,107
Oh, yeah? Oh, well, yeah.
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00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:28,850
O'Reilly, I've got some menlaid up here.
127
00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:31,200
I wonder if it'd be possiblefor me to visit 'em.
128
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:32,549
Oh, I don't know, sir.
129
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:35,030
I have to check
with the doctors.
130
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:37,511
-Oh, I see. Hmm.
-Oh, wait a minute.
131
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:40,209
Well, no.
I can help you out.
132
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:41,906
-Much appreciated.
-Yeah.
133
00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:44,474
We'll go right through
my headquarters here.
134
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:51,568
Uh, Colonel, perhaps
you might be interested.
135
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:54,615
Uh, this is ourcommunication center here.
136
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:55,920
From here I can contactany place in Korea
137
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or every elsewhere.
138
00:05:57,444 --> 00:05:59,054
You do that, son.
139
00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:00,577
Now, where'd you say
my men were?
140
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:01,926
Oh, Colonel Potter,
141
00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:03,580
I'd like you to meet
Colonel Lacy.
142
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:04,886
Nice to meet you.
143
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,757
Colonel Lacy,this is Colonel Potter.
144
00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:08,629
-Heard a lot about you, Lacy.-He's here to see his men.
145
00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,021
Well, all good,
I hope, Colonel.
146
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:12,110
Fact is, I could say
the same for you.
147
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:13,851
I was just, uh, brieflybriefing the colonel
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00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:16,201
about the inner workingsof communications.
149
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:19,553
Yeah, Radar, listen.My desk drawer's stuckagain. Fix it, will ya?
150
00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:22,294
Yes. Uh, yes, I will, sir.Right away.
151
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,427
Uh, Colonel, he'll
take over for now,
152
00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:25,863
-but if you need me--
-Radar.
153
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:26,864
...I'll be gone.
154
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:33,131
You know, I've done a littlehomework on your unit, Colonel.
155
00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:34,829
97% survival rate.
156
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:36,700
That's a very impressive
statistic.
157
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,311
It's nothing comparedto the casualty rate.
158
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,270
Post-op is right this way.
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00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:50,888
This is the saddest partof war: the cost.
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00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:52,629
Good morning, Colonel Potter.
161
00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:55,545
Colonel Lacy, Major Houlihan,our head nurse.
162
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,852
So you're Colonel Lacy.
163
00:06:57,852 --> 00:06:59,157
And you're the head nurse.
164
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:00,332
I'm surprised.
165
00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:01,464
At what?
166
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:02,683
To find someone so young
167
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,511
in such a responsible
position.
168
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,687
I do my best.
169
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:09,341
Colonel Lacy, CaptainsPierce and Hunnicutt,
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00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:10,734
two of our surgeons.
171
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,214
Doctors, it's an honor.
172
00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:14,346
-The pleasure's all yours.-Nice to meet you.
173
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:16,305
Take a look around
and see what you've done.
174
00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:17,872
Colonel, I'd like
to visit with my men.
175
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,395
Of course.
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00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:20,570
Psst.
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00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:29,405
Do me a favor.As long as he's here, lay off.
178
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,799
-Yes.-That goes for you too.
179
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:35,803
Hello, North.They treating you all right?
180
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,369
North?
181
00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:44,464
I understand, son.You just get better.
182
00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:51,122
Ahem. Men, I, uh...
183
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:53,385
I would like to visit witheach one of you personally,
184
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:55,866
but there isn't enough time.
185
00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:57,607
I want you to know
I'm proud of you.
186
00:07:57,607 --> 00:07:59,957
The battalion is proud of you.
187
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,785
One other thing.
188
00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:03,961
Your performance
over the last few days
189
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:07,269
has given me the confidenceto submit a plan to I-Corps--
190
00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:09,053
a plan for our battalion
191
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:11,360
to spearhead a counteroffensiveup Hill 403.
192
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,146
And this time, men,we are going to take it.
193
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:20,108
I know your good wishes
go with us.
194
00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:22,240
God bless you.
195
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,329
And thanks.
196
00:08:25,461 --> 00:08:28,551
Thanks to all of you.
197
00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:31,380
Impressive.Disgusting but impressive.
198
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,208
Colonel, you left outa lot of good stuff.
199
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,950
What about "Into the valley ofDeath" or "Remember the Alamo"
200
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:37,952
or the ever-popular"Damn the torpedoes"?
201
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:41,869
Doctor, why don't you justtake care of these brave men?
202
00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:44,045
"I have not yet
begun to fight."
203
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,484
Colonel, before you go.
204
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:51,966
I've been in this man'sarmy 30-odd years.
205
00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:55,143
I've never said thisto a line officer before.
206
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:59,147
I wonder if you aren't beinga little careless with your men.
207
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:01,541
Are you aware you havethe highest casualty rate
208
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,021
of any battalion commander?
209
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,589
Why don't you trypulling back a little?
210
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:09,113
You trying to put me
out of my job, Colonel?
211
00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:13,074
No. I guess I'm just trying toget you to put me out of mine.
212
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:15,424
What kind of a diet is this?
213
00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:18,470
Biscuits, gravy,
rice, potatoes.
214
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,863
Evidently they expect us
215
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:22,649
to starch our uniformsfrom the inside out.
216
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,215
Where are the-- Hello.
217
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:26,870
Where are the greenvegetables?
218
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:29,830
The cook had some spinach,
but the rats got to it.
219
00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:32,876
They left a little
if you want some.
220
00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:37,620
Corporal-- uh, Private,you have ruined my appetite.
221
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:40,710
And I am grateful.
222
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:53,375
Oh, Major.I've been looking for you.
223
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:54,724
I'd consider it an honor
224
00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:56,073
if you'd allow meto join you for lunch.
225
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:58,815
-Oh, my pleasure.
-Thank you.
226
00:10:00,556 --> 00:10:03,864
By the way, uh, the talk
you gave in post-op--
227
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:06,083
I was very moved.
228
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,042
Hill 403 is very important.
229
00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:10,087
It's a treacherouspiece of ground.
230
00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,523
It'll be risky,
231
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:14,048
but anything worthwhilealways is, isn't it?
232
00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:15,484
How risky?
233
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:17,051
There'll bea lot of casualties,
234
00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:20,054
but with luck, we can keepthe rate down to 20 or 30%.
235
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:22,709
-20 or 30%?
-Right.
236
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,319
Uh, you know, a plan--
237
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:26,060
That's at least
a hundred men.
238
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,801
Approximately, yeah.
239
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:31,543
A plan was used inthe Battle of Monte Casino.
240
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:32,893
You see, the Germans--
241
00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:34,285
That's three men
out of every ten.
242
00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:36,070
Has I-Corps
approved this?
243
00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:38,594
Oh, not yet, but I'll--I'll sell it to 'em.
244
00:10:38,594 --> 00:10:40,291
I've wanted that hillfor a long time.
245
00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:42,163
By God, this time,I'm gonna have it.
246
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:44,078
What makes the hill
so important?
247
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,906
Well, getting it.
248
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:48,256
At any rate,the Germans were dug in,
249
00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:49,561
and we knew we werein for it--
250
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:52,652
Excuse me.
I forgot to wash up.
251
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,479
Of course.
252
00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:57,787
Crowded in here today.
Standing retch only.
253
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:59,223
Gentlemen, please sit down.
254
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:11,105
All right, fellas.
What is it?
255
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,368
Let's, uh,
clear the air.
256
00:11:13,368 --> 00:11:16,371
For some reason,
you seem to resent me.
I want to know why.
257
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,329
Colonel, we're just tryingto force down a meal here.
258
00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:21,115
Okay, I've got a highcasualty rate. I know that.
259
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:24,292
Somehow you fellasseem to think I don't care.
260
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:27,295
Well, let me
tell you something.
261
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:31,603
When I saw them lying in there,my own men...
262
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,344
I'm not ashamed
to admit it, no, sir.
263
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:36,043
I felt a real lump in my throat.
264
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:37,566
That lump
was in your head.
265
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:39,786
-I beg your pardon?
-Don't do it, Hawk.
266
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,570
Maybe you can beguile
a bunch of innocent kids
267
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:44,225
with that righteous claptrap,but don't pull it on me.
268
00:11:44,225 --> 00:11:46,009
You're a dangerous man, Lacy.
269
00:11:46,009 --> 00:11:47,315
You love this--
270
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:50,013
the stirring speeches,
the strategy,
271
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:52,189
the execution
with a capital E.
272
00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:53,843
It's all one big
bloody game to you.
273
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,062
And then,
when they're carrying
274
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:56,367
the wounded players
off the field,
275
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:57,499
you become the cheerleader.
276
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,893
-You make me sick.
-You did it.
277
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:04,724
I should chew your tail out,doctor. But I'm not.
278
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:08,292
Besides, it's not you speaking,
it's fatigue.
279
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:11,818
You're worn thin. I know.I deal with it every day.
280
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:14,168
Let me give you
a prescription, doctor--
281
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,647
a week's R & R.
282
00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:17,258
In fact,
283
00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:19,303
I'll recommend it toColonel Potter, if you like.
284
00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:28,660
He's ice. How do you get
to a guy like that?
285
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,314
Simple. You hold him down
286
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:32,882
and drive a peace treatythrough his heart.
287
00:12:37,408 --> 00:12:38,714
Therefore, I firmly believe
288
00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:40,498
that Lieutenant ColonelLacy's record
289
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:42,718
should be reviewed
with the possibility
290
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:45,808
of reassigning himto a noncombat position.
291
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,070
You got all that, Radar?
292
00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:48,506
Uh, all the words, sir.
293
00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:49,812
Later I'll put 'em
in the right order.
294
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:52,206
Be sure you do.
Kindest regards.
295
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,469
Sincerely, Colonel Sherman,blah, blah, blah.
296
00:12:54,469 --> 00:12:56,558
Blah, blah, blah.
Right.
297
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:59,474
Um, uh, Colonel,
can I ask a question?
298
00:12:59,474 --> 00:13:02,129
-What can't you spell?
-Uh, no, sir.
299
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:05,088
Uh, sir, I know you wrote
this and everything,
300
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:07,612
but do you really meanall this about Colonel Lacy?
301
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:08,918
It's true.
302
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,833
He's really this bad?
303
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,574
I mean, he seemed
kind of nice to me.
304
00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,837
Put the pencil down, son.
305
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:17,144
I knew I should've
just said nothing.
306
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:20,234
I know I've never dictateda letter like this before.
307
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,105
That's becauseI didn't have to.
308
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:24,542
But I've thought this outvery carefully,
309
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,631
and I mean every word.
310
00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,155
Now do you understand?
311
00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:30,418
Oh, yes, sir.
But it's just that I--
312
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:31,811
he doesn't seem
like the kind of guy
313
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,203
who could do all this bad.
314
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:35,597
People aren't alwayswhat they seem, Radar.
315
00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:39,253
Sometimes when a man's anxiousto stick out a glad hand,
316
00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:41,472
it's because he's gotsomething up his sleeve.
317
00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:46,347
I guess the more I learn
about Colonel Lacy,
the less I like him.
318
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:48,784
[Klinger chanting gibberish]
319
00:13:48,784 --> 00:13:51,004
Send in the boogie-woogiebugle beak.
320
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:53,006
He wants to talk to you.
321
00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,225
-Foo-raka-saki.
-Same to you.
322
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:57,445
Now, listen, Klinger.
I've had enough of this.
323
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:58,925
Chuck-a, chuck-a,floy-doy.
324
00:13:58,925 --> 00:14:01,753
So help me, you give
one more doy-floy--
325
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,538
-Floy-doy.
-Do you hear me?
326
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:04,669
I'm in a trance.
327
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,236
All right. That's it.
328
00:14:06,236 --> 00:14:07,411
I'm telling the spirits
329
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:09,239
to put your soulin a half-nelson.
330
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,198
Klinger, you want a curse?
I'll give you a curse.
331
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:12,895
You've got guard duty
and K.P.
332
00:14:12,895 --> 00:14:14,505
till further notice,
starting right now.
333
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,159
-Aw, sir--
-Boogie-woogie!
334
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,378
I'm going, I'm going!
335
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:19,467
How come when you say it,it works?
336
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:22,862
Because my bird
is more powerful
than your bird.
337
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:27,867
-Good evening, men.
-The iceman cometh.
338
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,260
Visiting hours are over,Colonel.
339
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:32,523
I've got a little somethingfor the men to cheer them up.
340
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:34,308
Your resignation?
341
00:14:34,308 --> 00:14:36,788
No, their decorations
came in. May I?
342
00:14:41,576 --> 00:14:43,012
-Corporal North.
-Keep it.
343
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:44,927
-Pardon me?
-I don't want it.
344
00:14:46,711 --> 00:14:48,844
-It's your Purple Heart, son.-I know what it is.
345
00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:52,108
-You just keep it
as a reminder.
-Now, listen--
346
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,544
I don't want
anything from you!
347
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:56,721
All right, son.
348
00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:59,028
You feel bitter now,and that's understandable.
349
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:01,335
But later, when you'vechanged your mind,
350
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,511
I'll still have it for you.
351
00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:04,904
I'm gonna throw himout of here.
352
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,731
No, wait a minute.
Let him say his piece,
353
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,429
then I'll throw him out.
354
00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,868
Well, McAvoy.
355
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,217
I thought you mightlike to have this
356
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,958
while you were still here.
357
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:18,047
It's your Purple Heart.
358
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,788
Listen, I just want youto know how proud I--
359
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:21,181
[wheezing]
360
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:24,097
What's wrong, son?Doctor! Doctor!
361
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:25,185
Get out of the way!
362
00:15:28,492 --> 00:15:29,624
Faint pulse,
very erratic.
363
00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:30,712
What's wrong with him?
364
00:15:30,712 --> 00:15:31,843
Irregular heartbeat.
365
00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:34,281
Bicarb solution.
366
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,674
-He was just looking at me.-Bicarb, Doctor.
367
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:38,198
Out of the way,
Colonel.
368
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:39,939
Keep quiet for once,will ya? Just shut up.
369
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,419
Now, just a damn minute.You can't talk to me that way!
370
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:44,073
You've gotta
pull him through.
371
00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:45,335
Yeah, just for you, right?
372
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:46,684
Come on, come on.
Smooth it out.
373
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,208
-Make it, son.
-Cut it out.
374
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:50,645
[quietly]
Make it. Make it.
375
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:52,864
-No pulse.
-Get out of the way.
376
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:55,171
I'm gonna beatthe daylights into him.
377
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,130
-Uhh!
-Listen to this.
378
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:59,567
Come on, come on.
379
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:00,611
No.
380
00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:02,004
Colonel Lacy,
381
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:03,179
Headquarters on
the phone for you, sir.
382
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:04,876
-General Higgins.
-Higgins?
383
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,661
Well, that's my ticket.
I'll be right back.
384
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:08,924
Anything I can do, sirs?
385
00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:10,317
Yeah. Keep him out of here.
386
00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:11,622
Adrenaline, Doctor.
387
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,849
Keep pushing, Hawk.
388
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:23,025
Come on, McAvoy.
I'm getting tired.
389
00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:27,551
Try Listen. Listen to this.
390
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:28,726
I'm getting a pulse.
391
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:30,772
He's breathing on his own now.
392
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,600
Pulse regular.
393
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,949
Good fight, Hawk.
394
00:16:33,949 --> 00:16:35,646
I thought he had me
in the third round.
395
00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:39,607
General, I know it seemsimpregnable, but it's not.
396
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:42,566
But this time we can take it.Just give me one last chance.
397
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,615
Damn it, General. You cannottake that hill away from me.
398
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:49,312
It's mine. I earned it.
399
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:53,447
All right.
400
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:58,147
No, of course not, General.I understand. I--
401
00:16:58,147 --> 00:17:00,193
I was just hopingI could convince you.
402
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:03,457
Good-bye, sir.
403
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:05,502
Tough luck.
404
00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:07,504
Well,
don't feel bad.
405
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:11,160
Maybe you'll
get ambushed
on the way home.
406
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,945
No problem. I'll, uhI'll get up there yet.
407
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:16,209
You gonna defy orders?
408
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:18,428
Of course not.
409
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:22,432
I'm a soldier.
I don't defy orders.
410
00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:25,609
The general ordered menot to launch an offensive.
411
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:28,438
I don't intend to.
412
00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:31,441
But I still have tosend out reconnaissance,
413
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,617
and patrols usually draw fire.
414
00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,184
And once the bullets
start flying,
415
00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:37,012
nobody knows who started what.
416
00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:38,187
I don't believe him.
417
00:17:38,187 --> 00:17:39,449
You know something,
Colonel?
418
00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:40,450
You're a heck of a guy.
419
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:41,799
You have to
admire a man
420
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:43,410
who won't take no
for an order.
421
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:44,976
-I don't believe you.-No. I mean it, really.
422
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,849
I'm-- [chuckle]--
I underestimated you.
423
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:49,329
Forget it.
424
00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,200
Listen, how 'boutI buy you a drink?
425
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,897
Well, actually,
I was thinking
of buying you one.
426
00:17:52,897 --> 00:17:54,682
Wait a minute. You're gonnabuy him a drink?
427
00:17:54,682 --> 00:17:55,987
Yeah. No, really.
428
00:17:55,987 --> 00:17:57,206
I thought we'd
go back to the Swamp
429
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,642
and, you know,
sit around and relax,
430
00:17:58,642 --> 00:17:59,991
and, uh, you could
talk with the colonel
431
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:03,212
while I, you know,
mix the drinks.
432
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:04,779
-I talk to the colonel?-Yeah, you know,
433
00:18:04,779 --> 00:18:06,302
while I-- while I
mix the drinks.
434
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:07,477
Hmm? Hey, come on.
435
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:08,913
Sure. Who knows?
It might be fun.
436
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:10,132
We'll have
a great time.
437
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:11,525
After you, sir.
438
00:18:11,525 --> 00:18:13,440
By the way, Colonel,McAvoy, he made it.
439
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,050
-Who?
-McAvoy,
440
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:16,704
the kid inside.He's all right.
441
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:19,272
Oh, McAvoy. Listen,
that was good work.
442
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:20,838
That was good work.
443
00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:23,624
[chuckles]We're gonna have a great time.
444
00:18:23,624 --> 00:18:27,236
-Who's ready for round two?
-B.J.: Besides me.
445
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:31,240
Well, maybe one more,
just to settle my stomach.
446
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,329
Oh, you have, uh, a problemwith your stomach?
447
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,549
Ah, it's probably
the lousy chow here.
448
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:37,768
It can't be that.Our food kills instantly.
449
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:41,163
Mm-hmm. Nice and dry.
450
00:18:42,643 --> 00:18:44,384
Justlike the last one.
451
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:45,602
Oh, thank you.
452
00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:46,734
Let me get that,
Colonel.
453
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,127
Thanks, gentlemen.
454
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,825
-One for me and one for you.-Mm-hmm.
455
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:54,176
You know, we're reallynot so far apart.
456
00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:56,265
Right. Opposite sidesof the same fence.
457
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,527
No, he's got a point.
458
00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:59,138
We're all
in the same business.
459
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,140
As surgeons, we'll
sacrifice some tissue
460
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,576
in order to save
the whole body.
461
00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:04,186
You'll sacrifice a few men
462
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:07,146
in order to, uh... to, uh...
463
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,930
What is it you get
out of that again?
464
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:10,801
A hill.You know, a rock.
465
00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:11,889
Oh, yeah, right. See?
466
00:19:11,889 --> 00:19:13,369
We're practically
the same.
467
00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:15,676
Ooh!Oh, boy. That smarts.
468
00:19:15,676 --> 00:19:17,852
-Your stomach again?
-Yeah.
469
00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:20,594
Hmm. Let me see.
470
00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:22,813
-Where does that hurt? Here?-Ooh!
471
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:24,380
-There.
-Oh, boy.
472
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:25,947
Bad case of gastritis.
473
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:27,296
Probably lay you up
a couple of days.
474
00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:28,471
Have you ever hadyour appendix out?
475
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:30,256
-No.
-Appendix?
476
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:31,822
Yeah, acute appendicitis.
477
00:19:31,822 --> 00:19:33,346
That could keep you outfor a week or two.
478
00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:34,477
Two weeks?
479
00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:35,870
They'll take me off the line.
480
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,437
I'll-- [groan]--
lose my battalion.
481
00:19:37,437 --> 00:19:39,656
-Definitely your appendix.-Wait a minute.
482
00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:41,745
You want to open him up
and take out his appendix?
483
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:43,530
Well, I could reach downhis throat and get it,
484
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:44,879
but that would beanother two weeks.
485
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:45,967
Oh!
486
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:48,361
Oh, gee whiz.That sounds bad.
487
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:50,145
What do I have to do, Sherman?
488
00:19:50,145 --> 00:19:53,453
How many schemesdo you think I have left?
489
00:19:53,453 --> 00:19:56,412
Look at me.I'm talking to a stupid doll.
490
00:19:56,412 --> 00:20:00,242
See this?I've a good mind to use it.
491
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:03,202
[chuckles]
Laughing at me, huh?
492
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,942
Don't think I can do it?
493
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:07,206
Well, if nothing else,it'll sure make me feel good.
494
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,033
-Take this, Colonel.
-[Lacy groans]
495
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,513
-Huh?
-B.J.: Here we go.
496
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:11,993
-HAWKEYE: Okay. Come on.-What's going on here?
497
00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:13,473
Holy Toledo!
498
00:20:13,473 --> 00:20:14,909
-Ooh!
-Easy, Colonel.
499
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,389
That's right.He's a colonel too.
500
00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:18,173
Oh, my God!What's wrong with him?
501
00:20:18,173 --> 00:20:19,305
We don't know yet.
502
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:20,523
Acute appendicitis!
503
00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:21,916
May be just gastritis.
504
00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:23,309
But it may be appendicitis!
505
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,789
Anyway, he's real sick.
506
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,228
What have you done?
507
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,360
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
508
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,362
I'm taking out that guy'sappendix in there.
509
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:35,495
You gonna get into
your whites or what?
510
00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:37,366
You're talking aboutremoving a healthy organ.
511
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:39,542
No, I figure
his appendix is about
as sick as his mind.
512
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:40,935
Doctors aren't supposedto take bodies apart.
513
00:20:40,935 --> 00:20:42,589
They're supposed to
put them together.
514
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:45,113
Why? So guys like that can
take them apart again?
515
00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:46,723
You heard him.
516
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:48,072
He's gonna take those kidsup that hill tomorrow
517
00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:49,509
and send them backto us in pieces.
518
00:20:49,509 --> 00:20:51,815
That man is crazy. Thatdoesn't make this right.
519
00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:53,991
Some things are wrong,
and they're always wrong.
520
00:20:53,991 --> 00:20:55,776
Fine. It's wrong.
521
00:20:55,776 --> 00:20:57,647
But there are gonnabe a hundred boysstill alive tomorrow.
522
00:20:57,647 --> 00:20:59,040
Go tell them
how wrong it is.
523
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,128
Damn it!
524
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,521
Why don't you
just stab him?
525
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:03,349
Cutting into a healthy
body is mutilation!
526
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:05,916
[chuckles]
Don't give me that.
527
00:21:05,916 --> 00:21:08,832
There aren't doctors back homewho do unnecessary operations?
528
00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:10,225
You never heard of that?
529
00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:12,619
And for what?
For a few bucks.
530
00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:15,448
All right. Suppose
you get him relieved
of his command.
531
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:17,276
What about the guy
they send to replace him?
532
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,494
He's going to be better thanthis guy. He's got to be.
533
00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:20,148
You don't know that
for sure, do you?
534
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:21,367
So I'll take themone at a time!
535
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:22,542
What have I got to lose?
536
00:21:22,542 --> 00:21:23,978
Just your self-respect,
that's all!
537
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:25,327
You're a doctor of medicine.
538
00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:26,372
You cut
into a healthy body,
539
00:21:26,372 --> 00:21:27,590
and you're gonna
hate yourself
540
00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:28,765
for the rest
of your life.
541
00:21:28,765 --> 00:21:30,550
I hate myself right now!
542
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,465
I hate me, and I hate you,
543
00:21:32,465 --> 00:21:34,249
and I hatethis whole life here.
544
00:21:34,249 --> 00:21:36,077
And if I can keepthat maniac off the line
545
00:21:36,077 --> 00:21:37,948
by a simple appendectomy,
546
00:21:37,948 --> 00:21:40,124
I'll be able to hate myselfwith a clear conscience.
547
00:21:40,124 --> 00:21:41,604
All right.
548
00:21:41,604 --> 00:21:43,606
You want to play God,
you do it alone.
549
00:21:43,606 --> 00:21:45,739
Fine. If you're gonnakeep talking about it,put a mask on.
550
00:21:45,739 --> 00:21:48,045
I don't want to runthe slightest riskof infecting him.
551
00:22:05,672 --> 00:22:06,803
So?
552
00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:09,458
It was pink and perfect,
553
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:11,460
and I tossed it
in the scrap bucket.
554
00:22:13,897 --> 00:22:16,639
At least he won't be sendingus any customers for a while.
555
00:22:16,639 --> 00:22:17,901
Uh-huh.
556
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:22,341
Radar was just in here.
557
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:23,820
In about 10 minutes,
558
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:25,431
they're sending usa batch of wounded.
559
00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:27,781
Ten minutes?
560
00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:29,304
Attention, attention,
all personnel.
561
00:22:29,304 --> 00:22:30,914
-Time flies.
-Sorry, folks.
562
00:22:30,914 --> 00:22:34,309
Triage in the compound. Looks kinda heavy.
563
00:22:34,309 --> 00:22:36,050
You treated a symptom.
564
00:22:36,050 --> 00:22:38,444
The disease goes merrily on.
565
00:22:49,933 --> 00:22:51,805
Let's go, Hawk.
566
00:22:51,805 --> 00:22:53,633
[rapid footsteps]
567
00:23:02,903 --> 00:23:04,774
Father, Father, I gottatalk to you. Very important.
568
00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,776
Well, certainly. What aboutthis evening after vespers?
569
00:23:06,776 --> 00:23:08,561
No, no, no. Now.
It can't wait, Father.
570
00:23:08,561 --> 00:23:10,606
You've got to take
these from me.
571
00:23:10,606 --> 00:23:13,304
They're dangerous
in my hands.
572
00:23:13,304 --> 00:23:17,308
What is that that smellslike a dead chicken?
573
00:23:17,308 --> 00:23:19,746
Oh. This dead chicken.
574
00:23:19,746 --> 00:23:21,138
Father,
I hate to admit it,
575
00:23:21,138 --> 00:23:22,618
and I hate myself
for doing it,
576
00:23:22,618 --> 00:23:24,794
but I've dabbled
in the occult.
577
00:23:24,794 --> 00:23:28,755
I see. Still, that doesn'tseem strange from you.
578
00:23:28,755 --> 00:23:32,149
You don't understand.
I put this in this,
579
00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:35,152
and wham! I gave
Colonel Lacy
appendicitis.
580
00:23:35,152 --> 00:23:36,284
But I didn't mean to.
581
00:23:36,284 --> 00:23:37,720
It was meant
for Colonel Potter.
582
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,156
Please, you've gotta
take this from me
583
00:23:39,156 --> 00:23:40,506
before I injure somebody else.
584
00:23:40,506 --> 00:23:43,596
Klinger, that wasjust a coincidence.
585
00:23:44,988 --> 00:23:47,164
But if it'll make youfeel better.
586
00:23:48,731 --> 00:23:50,951
Everything but the chicken.
587
00:23:50,951 --> 00:23:53,344
Oh, okay. I'll give that
back to the cook.
588
00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:07,837
[theme music playing]
42771
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